So I am trying to get back on schedule with my exercise program here in An Dachaigh Nua. This has been harder than I thought, first of all because I have had to change locations between moving and visiting An Teaghlach which has not given me a consistent trail to do. The second, more crippling, is the weather.
Frankly, it's hot here. Hot whenever the sun is up - and when it's not up, it's moist. Initially I was running in the evening, but that was simply too hot. I tried going for a walk on Sunday and found that just being in the sun was an experience not to be repeated (although interestingly, once I got onto a park trail with what I would assume is more native vegetation, the heat became bearable because of the shade. Urban jungle indeed).
So my choices are morning or evening before or after the sun appears. To add to this, I'm trying to set a schedule I can keep once An Teaghlach comes, since I would like to be consistent. Given the state of our lives, morning it is.
The mornings here are actually a good time to go. The sun is not up so it's not hot yet, but with only a little effort one can become covered in sweat. In fact, on the mornings when there's cloud cover it is almost cool (almost being the operative phrase there). Also interesting (and new to me) are the amount of birds that live here and how vocal they are at all times of day. The stars still look the same though, and the sky goes the same black-blue as I'm used to. And with yet a new neighborhood to look forward to, I'm sure that being away from a busy street will reveal new wonders - making running (hopefully) another new experience and way I can bond with our living choice.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Budding
I have the sense that I am in the process of undergoing something. The most similar experience I can relate is that of what I was feeling last year about this time, a sense of pushing against barriers inside myself that I could not really see. The barriers do not feel as if they're there this time; it is more of a sense of standing on something as a base and stretching out.
Like so much else that seems to happen inside me, it is hard to explain in concrete terms. Perhaps the sense of a flower bud opening is the closest. In one sense, it probably is natural: I'm starting over ahead of my family in a place I've never been with people I've never known. In a real sense, there is no safety net (or at least, not like I have had in the past with friends near and family no more than two hours away).
In the other sense it is naturally unnatural (there's a puzzler for you): there is a sense that in some ways, I am taking responsibility for parts of my life for the first time. This was a semi-conscious decision (semi-conscious in the fact that if I was going to look for work outside of California, this potential always existed) that I at least thought of when I started down this road.
What do I mean? Simply that there are parts of my life that I still, even at 42, fail to act in an decisive and independent way. I agree that moving doesn't magically "make" it happen - but putting one's self in the position of having to deal more directly with them does.
It's odd - but good in the sense that instead of feeling like I am pushing against boundaries, I feel I am growing up from them.
Like so much else that seems to happen inside me, it is hard to explain in concrete terms. Perhaps the sense of a flower bud opening is the closest. In one sense, it probably is natural: I'm starting over ahead of my family in a place I've never been with people I've never known. In a real sense, there is no safety net (or at least, not like I have had in the past with friends near and family no more than two hours away).
In the other sense it is naturally unnatural (there's a puzzler for you): there is a sense that in some ways, I am taking responsibility for parts of my life for the first time. This was a semi-conscious decision (semi-conscious in the fact that if I was going to look for work outside of California, this potential always existed) that I at least thought of when I started down this road.
What do I mean? Simply that there are parts of my life that I still, even at 42, fail to act in an decisive and independent way. I agree that moving doesn't magically "make" it happen - but putting one's self in the position of having to deal more directly with them does.
It's odd - but good in the sense that instead of feeling like I am pushing against boundaries, I feel I am growing up from them.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day 2009
So here I sit, 1746 miles from home, on Father's Day. Kind of odd, as this is the first Father's Day since becoming a father (10 years) that I have not been with my family.
The day was okay, of course - I'm easy enough to entertain: lunch at Costco ($1.61 Polish Sausage and Drink), trip to Borders for a new paperback (with a 40% coupon), a stroll through Target Greatland to discover that no, I can wait a week to bring Toliet Paper back with me but that their yogurt prices are just as good as Costco, and then back to the apartment to read the afternoon away - which for me absent family, is a fine way to do it.
Still, a little bittersweet - as this whole separation has been. It gives me a very brief insight into what it must be like for those who by service (military) or by circumstance (divorce or separation) are away from their families for long periods of time, especially on special days. They have a whole life going on, a whole web of experiences, which you are absent from - or only experience via second-hand phone calls and e-mails. When you get back together - and I have that to look forward to - it will still only be stories instead of the experiences.
In one month I have gone from being with my children 16 - 24 hours a day to not being with the at all. It is a strange circumstance, one which the most selfish might wish for initially (more time to do what I want) but will come to realize only reminds them of the true value of relationships and the hollowness of time spent without them.
The day was okay, of course - I'm easy enough to entertain: lunch at Costco ($1.61 Polish Sausage and Drink), trip to Borders for a new paperback (with a 40% coupon), a stroll through Target Greatland to discover that no, I can wait a week to bring Toliet Paper back with me but that their yogurt prices are just as good as Costco, and then back to the apartment to read the afternoon away - which for me absent family, is a fine way to do it.
Still, a little bittersweet - as this whole separation has been. It gives me a very brief insight into what it must be like for those who by service (military) or by circumstance (divorce or separation) are away from their families for long periods of time, especially on special days. They have a whole life going on, a whole web of experiences, which you are absent from - or only experience via second-hand phone calls and e-mails. When you get back together - and I have that to look forward to - it will still only be stories instead of the experiences.
In one month I have gone from being with my children 16 - 24 hours a day to not being with the at all. It is a strange circumstance, one which the most selfish might wish for initially (more time to do what I want) but will come to realize only reminds them of the true value of relationships and the hollowness of time spent without them.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Bookends
When I started in this industry in 1996, my first boss was named Mickey. It struck me yesterday that here, 13 years later in a job which in many ways represents as great a change as entering this industry, I have a Mickey reporting to me.
When I gave it some thought, I realized that both of them shared a number of seemingly superficial similarities: both names are shortened for another, both smoke, both are hard workers, both are full of common sense, both have a great grasp of the industry, both have an excellent sense of humor.
It's odd to me that to people with similar names should bookend what is seemingly a section of my life (with, of course, smaller but significant subsections within it), a sort of "Volume VIII of XX" or some such thing. I've often reacted to the idea that life can be easily broken down into "phases" or "seasons" - maybe the lives of others but not my own. Some are simple, of course -high school, or college, or even a family (although this one can transverse several others all on its own) - but others are more complex, especially when we live. Career - which career, the one that you started in, the five you did in between, or the "second" career you picked up after you left the first?
There are interweavings as well, as people, places, and relationships flow in and out of these sections. There are people who are relationships in one geographical place, and those who cover multiple places. There are those you know in one career but never translate to another, and those you know that have no relationship to any career but you know a long time.
Life is complex of course, and more complex everyday. It is gracious of God to remind me that, in the end, all the volumes of our lives are written in His hand. And sometimes, we reach the end of one bookshelf - but we always get to start a new one.
When I gave it some thought, I realized that both of them shared a number of seemingly superficial similarities: both names are shortened for another, both smoke, both are hard workers, both are full of common sense, both have a great grasp of the industry, both have an excellent sense of humor.
It's odd to me that to people with similar names should bookend what is seemingly a section of my life (with, of course, smaller but significant subsections within it), a sort of "Volume VIII of XX" or some such thing. I've often reacted to the idea that life can be easily broken down into "phases" or "seasons" - maybe the lives of others but not my own. Some are simple, of course -high school, or college, or even a family (although this one can transverse several others all on its own) - but others are more complex, especially when we live. Career - which career, the one that you started in, the five you did in between, or the "second" career you picked up after you left the first?
There are interweavings as well, as people, places, and relationships flow in and out of these sections. There are people who are relationships in one geographical place, and those who cover multiple places. There are those you know in one career but never translate to another, and those you know that have no relationship to any career but you know a long time.
Life is complex of course, and more complex everyday. It is gracious of God to remind me that, in the end, all the volumes of our lives are written in His hand. And sometimes, we reach the end of one bookshelf - but we always get to start a new one.
Friday, June 19, 2009
A Useful Tool
We had a client audit yesterday, something which is fairly typical for my industry: clients come in, assess our facilities and our systems, and make a determination whether or not we appear (because after all, they are only a snapshot in time) to be compliant and acceptable for their company's use. We had what sounded like a first for my new employer: an audit by a major company which results in no observations and 4-5 recommendations.
The thing that was really a surprise to me when I went home was how I felt -really good and useful. This after three 12 hour days (two preparation, one audit) was something that I did not expect. Why is this?
Any successful audit, of course, leaves one feeling good. The fact that Quality was praised - and that the President heard and agreed with this statement - is nothing to sneeze at either. But I think the real point for me was the feeling of being useful, of seeing an actual result to all of our effort, to knowing that my opinions and assessments were valued and valuable - like being a tool and being used and knowing that, at that moment, that this is what you were made to do.
Today has come, of course, and fifty other things are sitting on my desk to deal with. But I can now always go back to this moment and say "If I did it here, I can do it again."
The thing that was really a surprise to me when I went home was how I felt -really good and useful. This after three 12 hour days (two preparation, one audit) was something that I did not expect. Why is this?
Any successful audit, of course, leaves one feeling good. The fact that Quality was praised - and that the President heard and agreed with this statement - is nothing to sneeze at either. But I think the real point for me was the feeling of being useful, of seeing an actual result to all of our effort, to knowing that my opinions and assessments were valued and valuable - like being a tool and being used and knowing that, at that moment, that this is what you were made to do.
Today has come, of course, and fifty other things are sitting on my desk to deal with. But I can now always go back to this moment and say "If I did it here, I can do it again."
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Time and Work
I came to the realization this morning (accidentally, as it were) that I am spending approximately 12 hours a day at work. Initially this figure amazed me, but when I sat down and thought about it, suddenly it became quite clear. "Good Heavens" I thought to myself, "12 hours - I mean I expected I would have a learning curve but this is ridiculous!"
But then I sat and thought about it a bit. In reality, I was spending 12 hours at work a year ago, but not in the same way: 1.5 hours driving to work, 8 hours at work, 2-2.5 hours driving home from work. Look: 12 hours, but really only 8 hours.
So I actually gained 4 hours a day.
Which then brought me to the realization that commuting is one of the silliest ideas I have ever heard of - and I should know, because I did it for so long (I have not had a commute of 10 minutes, my current drive time, since 1984). I don't really accomplish anything (except phone calls, of course, and I'm just not really a "Books on Tape" kind of guy), I spend money on fuel, and I have nothing really to show for it - except, apparently, less actually beneficial work for the same amount of time.
A little change will do you good...
But then I sat and thought about it a bit. In reality, I was spending 12 hours at work a year ago, but not in the same way: 1.5 hours driving to work, 8 hours at work, 2-2.5 hours driving home from work. Look: 12 hours, but really only 8 hours.
So I actually gained 4 hours a day.
Which then brought me to the realization that commuting is one of the silliest ideas I have ever heard of - and I should know, because I did it for so long (I have not had a commute of 10 minutes, my current drive time, since 1984). I don't really accomplish anything (except phone calls, of course, and I'm just not really a "Books on Tape" kind of guy), I spend money on fuel, and I have nothing really to show for it - except, apparently, less actually beneficial work for the same amount of time.
A little change will do you good...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Phase II
I have now entered Phase II of my life in New Home: out of the hotel, I am know living in an apartment.
It is unusual for me in a number of aspects: I have not lived in an apartment in 9 years, and I have not lived with a roommate (who was not The Ravishing Mrs. TB) for 17. There's a level of adjustment, of getting used to sharing parts of one's living space with others, that I had quite forgotten was there. It's not bad - just different.
Fortunately for me, between the job and the setup of the apartment (two separate bed/bath rooms) I can come home, make dinner, and disappear into my room to work on and then go to bed.
Ah. Working on. The other part of Phase II. In a way, this is supposedly my ideal environment for doing "thinking things": limited housekeeping, a short commute, few responsibilities, practically zero time spent making meals.
Now, if I could just motivate myself more...
It is unusual for me in a number of aspects: I have not lived in an apartment in 9 years, and I have not lived with a roommate (who was not The Ravishing Mrs. TB) for 17. There's a level of adjustment, of getting used to sharing parts of one's living space with others, that I had quite forgotten was there. It's not bad - just different.
Fortunately for me, between the job and the setup of the apartment (two separate bed/bath rooms) I can come home, make dinner, and disappear into my room to work on and then go to bed.
Ah. Working on. The other part of Phase II. In a way, this is supposedly my ideal environment for doing "thinking things": limited housekeeping, a short commute, few responsibilities, practically zero time spent making meals.
Now, if I could just motivate myself more...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Light Show II
These are the verses I was thinking of:
"The LORD thundered from heaven,
And the Most High uttered His voice.
He sent out arrows and scattered them;
Lightning bolts, and He vanquished them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
The foundations of the world were uncovered,
At the rebuke of the LORD,
At the blast of the breath of His nostrils."
- 2 Samuel 22:14-16
"The LORD thundered from heaven,
And the Most High uttered His voice.
He sent out arrows and scattered them;
Lightning bolts, and He vanquished them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
The foundations of the world were uncovered,
At the rebuke of the LORD,
At the blast of the breath of His nostrils."
- 2 Samuel 22:14-16
Light Show
So I am living through my first severe weather warning/tornado warning storm. It's awesome.
For a Northern California boy, the show is great: flash after flash of lightening, roll after roll of thunder, occasional actual forks of lightning, and a downpour of rain. The wind is whipping the flags at the hotel across the way back and forth, and there was talk (not here yet, anyway) of up to baseball sized hail.
It fascinates me, not just for the light show and rain (which New Home needs badly), but for the fact that it reminds me of the frailty of myself and the overall powerlessness of humans: it's not as if we can stop this storm from moving through, or the lightning striking. It is a real reminder of the majesty and awesomeness of our Creator.
And frankly, it's pretty cool. I love weather!
For a Northern California boy, the show is great: flash after flash of lightening, roll after roll of thunder, occasional actual forks of lightning, and a downpour of rain. The wind is whipping the flags at the hotel across the way back and forth, and there was talk (not here yet, anyway) of up to baseball sized hail.
It fascinates me, not just for the light show and rain (which New Home needs badly), but for the fact that it reminds me of the frailty of myself and the overall powerlessness of humans: it's not as if we can stop this storm from moving through, or the lightning striking. It is a real reminder of the majesty and awesomeness of our Creator.
And frankly, it's pretty cool. I love weather!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Busy Busy
One nice thing about a new job is that you're busy again. One not nice about a new job is that you're busy again.
I'm relatively pleased with my self awareness that I came in having not great expectations about the state of things at the new job - as I told my father, "I'm just assuming things are three times worse than what they told me." Yay. I was right.
The struggle for me is not to immediately get sucked into the state of the system, but maintain a dispassionate eye enough to look at the system and analyze it - not just react to it when things come up, your fellow colleagues roll the eyes and say "Oh no, not this again."
Perhaps I make it sound like it's terrible. It's not - but it needs a great deal of refinement. It is a system designed at a different time, for a different company, conceivably making different products, a system there is enough time to fix problems as they occur but not enough time to sit and design a new solution.
Ah, it's great to be working again...
I'm relatively pleased with my self awareness that I came in having not great expectations about the state of things at the new job - as I told my father, "I'm just assuming things are three times worse than what they told me." Yay. I was right.
The struggle for me is not to immediately get sucked into the state of the system, but maintain a dispassionate eye enough to look at the system and analyze it - not just react to it when things come up, your fellow colleagues roll the eyes and say "Oh no, not this again."
Perhaps I make it sound like it's terrible. It's not - but it needs a great deal of refinement. It is a system designed at a different time, for a different company, conceivably making different products, a system there is enough time to fix problems as they occur but not enough time to sit and design a new solution.
Ah, it's great to be working again...
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Not Home
Tonight denotes my first full week here.. It's an odd anniversary - for all the fact that I'm working at a job, laboring to finding a home and school for An Teaghlach, and looking for a church home, my mind has still not accepted the fact that I for now, this is my future home. It doesn't really seem to know what to do, except that it keeps telling me that this is "Not Home." Every time I walk in the heat, every time I go outside, every time I drive around, my mind says "Not Home". I'm sure (am I sure?) that the mind will adjust to this after a while and come to accept the new concept of home - except that right now, it sure doesn't feel like it.
And then the thought occurred to me: This is how I'm supposed to feel about the world. That it is not my home, that I'm only a pilgrim passing through. That my real home is somewhere else, and no longer how long I'm here, it's not really "home".
It's interesting to me that I can do it for Old Home/New Home but not for World/Heaven. Why is this? One would think that based on what we know of Heaven, this would become even more critical than that of our temporal location.
If I'm honest, it's because I know more about Old Home than I do about Heaven. I know how it feels, how it looks, how it smells. I know who's there, and what we would be doing if we were there. I know the family and friends that would be there. I can picture it in my mind.
Oddly, that should be true about Heaven as well - except the sensory part. I know who's there and I know the family and friends that would be there. I've hints of what we'd do there. The gap that is missing is the sensory input: the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations of being there. How interesting that a spiritual spiritual location seems bound in my mind by physical things! It is as C.S. Lewis said: we are amphibians, half physical and half spiritual.
Now here's the question: how do I feel for the Heaven as I feel for Old Home?
And then the thought occurred to me: This is how I'm supposed to feel about the world. That it is not my home, that I'm only a pilgrim passing through. That my real home is somewhere else, and no longer how long I'm here, it's not really "home".
It's interesting to me that I can do it for Old Home/New Home but not for World/Heaven. Why is this? One would think that based on what we know of Heaven, this would become even more critical than that of our temporal location.
If I'm honest, it's because I know more about Old Home than I do about Heaven. I know how it feels, how it looks, how it smells. I know who's there, and what we would be doing if we were there. I know the family and friends that would be there. I can picture it in my mind.
Oddly, that should be true about Heaven as well - except the sensory part. I know who's there and I know the family and friends that would be there. I've hints of what we'd do there. The gap that is missing is the sensory input: the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations of being there. How interesting that a spiritual spiritual location seems bound in my mind by physical things! It is as C.S. Lewis said: we are amphibians, half physical and half spiritual.
Now here's the question: how do I feel for the Heaven as I feel for Old Home?
Thinking I can turn in
One of the great things (I guess) about completely ripping up your life and relocating it is that it disrupts all of your old patterns, allowing you to reconsider what you've been doing, why you've been doing it, and are there things that simply don't make sense anymore or should make more sense. Sometimes we are too much "in" things to really look objectively "at" things.
One item which has come to my attention in the last few days, really since being here in Austin, is this sense I have that things should come to an end - that there should be a finish line, that I can collapse at after the end and head off to the showers. The reality, I'm finding out, is that I can't. I have trained myself to believe there is an end to doing - in fact, there is not.
How did I get here? Honestly, I believe being good at school really contributed to it. School is a defined term - you go for a fixed period, you do certain things, you get a grade, you go on or take a break. In many cases, activities or hobbies not school related are the antithesis to this: they are not necessarily tied to a particular time or place and are ongoing activities.
The reality is, in this life we never "arrive" at the place where we can throw it all down prior to heaven. Certainly, the mode of what we do may change, the activities may become different - but that is a different thing than ending or stopping.
How would how I conduct my life change if I saw things as a series and continuum of things to be accomplished rather than a one time event to be reached and stop?
One item which has come to my attention in the last few days, really since being here in Austin, is this sense I have that things should come to an end - that there should be a finish line, that I can collapse at after the end and head off to the showers. The reality, I'm finding out, is that I can't. I have trained myself to believe there is an end to doing - in fact, there is not.
How did I get here? Honestly, I believe being good at school really contributed to it. School is a defined term - you go for a fixed period, you do certain things, you get a grade, you go on or take a break. In many cases, activities or hobbies not school related are the antithesis to this: they are not necessarily tied to a particular time or place and are ongoing activities.
The reality is, in this life we never "arrive" at the place where we can throw it all down prior to heaven. Certainly, the mode of what we do may change, the activities may become different - but that is a different thing than ending or stopping.
How would how I conduct my life change if I saw things as a series and continuum of things to be accomplished rather than a one time event to be reached and stop?
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Learning to Fly
I am running the gamut of emotions. On the one hand, it's is very nice to be employed again. My learning curve is going straight through the roof, both for the knowledge as well as the status of the company. It is as if I have come into a play midact and am trying to figure out the characters and their relationships.
On the other hand, I am struggling to not worry. So much else on my mind: the house at home, finding a place to live here (short term and long term), a school for Na Clann, a church; all cast in the deadline of time.
Moments of faith, I suppose, those times when we go where we think were called by God only to finding out the great feeling of confidence go away and we are left only with faith and God. The place where faith grows, I suppose: learning to fly.
On the other hand, I am struggling to not worry. So much else on my mind: the house at home, finding a place to live here (short term and long term), a school for Na Clann, a church; all cast in the deadline of time.
Moments of faith, I suppose, those times when we go where we think were called by God only to finding out the great feeling of confidence go away and we are left only with faith and God. The place where faith grows, I suppose: learning to fly.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Wednesday Morning 8 AM
So here I am in Austin, ready to start my first day of work.
To be honest, I've got butterflies.
Two reasons really: The first is simply that it's been a little while since I've actually worked. It's odd to think of that, but there it is. I'm sure I'll do well once re-entered into the fray, but there is still that nagging feeling, the one of being out for a while and wondering how well I'll perform.
The second, somewhat related, is simply about how I will do. This is one of the those opportunities that doesn't come along too often, the chance to totally reinvent yourself to the extent that you desire to. Just think: no-one knows me here, the good and the bad. It's an exciting opportunity, yet at the same time concerning because I deeply desire to make some changes within myself, both my lifestyle as well as my deportment. I need, in a sense, to be me while not being me.
Hmm. There's a conundrum. A tabula rosa with things written under the surface already, sort of like a Master's painting painted over an older work.
As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." I'll go in and do well. It's just the waiting that's killing me.
To be honest, I've got butterflies.
Two reasons really: The first is simply that it's been a little while since I've actually worked. It's odd to think of that, but there it is. I'm sure I'll do well once re-entered into the fray, but there is still that nagging feeling, the one of being out for a while and wondering how well I'll perform.
The second, somewhat related, is simply about how I will do. This is one of the those opportunities that doesn't come along too often, the chance to totally reinvent yourself to the extent that you desire to. Just think: no-one knows me here, the good and the bad. It's an exciting opportunity, yet at the same time concerning because I deeply desire to make some changes within myself, both my lifestyle as well as my deportment. I need, in a sense, to be me while not being me.
Hmm. There's a conundrum. A tabula rosa with things written under the surface already, sort of like a Master's painting painted over an older work.
As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." I'll go in and do well. It's just the waiting that's killing me.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
James Taylor Song
So today it was offical - discussed a few minor points, got the letter signed and sent off. Wheels which have been slowly turning have suddenly increased speed a hundred fold: leave on Monday, arrive Tuesday, start work Wednesday. And then start the process of rebuilding a life.
I also confirmed with my parents tonight that I accepted and am leaving. Sigh. They are of course happy that I have a job and believe that in the providence of God this will be a good thing, but still are sad. Meeting with friends and allies as well, drinking more coffee over the next five days than is probably good for a person, saying the goodbyes that must be said but are never easy.
It suddenly feels like I'm living in a James Taylor song, something about "Leaving California, my past dwindling faint, future stretched out on a canvas of concrete and paint." Cue guitar solo.
I also confirmed with my parents tonight that I accepted and am leaving. Sigh. They are of course happy that I have a job and believe that in the providence of God this will be a good thing, but still are sad. Meeting with friends and allies as well, drinking more coffee over the next five days than is probably good for a person, saying the goodbyes that must be said but are never easy.
It suddenly feels like I'm living in a James Taylor song, something about "Leaving California, my past dwindling faint, future stretched out on a canvas of concrete and paint." Cue guitar solo.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Gear Shift
I have the vague sensation of my life having downshifted, of hearing a horrible grinding noise which (as I look in the rear view mirror) turns out to be my transmission lying on the freeway.
By this time next week, I will be (hopefully) pulling into Tucson, AZ on my way to Austin. After this, I'll be back three or four times, the last time to move. And that's it. The next time I'm back, it will be as a guest, not as a occupant.
The enormity of it is only starting to fully engulf me. This is my last Monday here. Tomorrow will be my last Tuesday. I've got my list of things I have to do, of things I have to bring, of tasks that need to be accomplished when I arrive. But none of these detract from the fact that my life, in one of those rare occurrences, has changed literally overnight.
I'm sure about three weeks from now, when I've found a small apartment and have started looking for permanent family housing, there is going to be this incredible sense of the extent to which life has changed - especially as the moving date moves closer and our physical presence here will be removed.
How odd to find that thing that I so wanted and needed has changed my life so much.
By this time next week, I will be (hopefully) pulling into Tucson, AZ on my way to Austin. After this, I'll be back three or four times, the last time to move. And that's it. The next time I'm back, it will be as a guest, not as a occupant.
The enormity of it is only starting to fully engulf me. This is my last Monday here. Tomorrow will be my last Tuesday. I've got my list of things I have to do, of things I have to bring, of tasks that need to be accomplished when I arrive. But none of these detract from the fact that my life, in one of those rare occurrences, has changed literally overnight.
I'm sure about three weeks from now, when I've found a small apartment and have started looking for permanent family housing, there is going to be this incredible sense of the extent to which life has changed - especially as the moving date moves closer and our physical presence here will be removed.
How odd to find that thing that I so wanted and needed has changed my life so much.
Friday, May 22, 2009
And Then It Happened
I sit here in front of the computer, having slept 9 of the last 48 hours, my mind sluggishly apprehending the events of the day.
The seemingly to now (Day 110) has happened: I got a job offer. Huzzah! I got a job offer in Austin, Texas. Huzzah!
Oh no!??
It's not as if I did not mentally prepare myself for this eventuality when I left here - in fact, I gave it great deal of thought before I left - if I was going to go to the interview, I would accept the job if it was offered. Still, I have the feeling as some of the 12th century Kievian princes must have as they saw the Mongol hordes pouring across the plains towards them.
Oh dear.
Suddenly, there is so much to be done, and not enough time, and how will this get arranged? Things to be packed, schedules to be arranged..and the house? What will we do about the house? And getting the rabbit and the cats to Texas?
What if? What if? What if?
And then I have to stop, take a really deep breath, and just say "Thank you God. Thank you for providing me with this opportunity. I certainly cannot see all the avenues that need to be pursued, but if this is of you, it will go forward regardless."
The seemingly to now (Day 110) has happened: I got a job offer. Huzzah! I got a job offer in Austin, Texas. Huzzah!
Oh no!??
It's not as if I did not mentally prepare myself for this eventuality when I left here - in fact, I gave it great deal of thought before I left - if I was going to go to the interview, I would accept the job if it was offered. Still, I have the feeling as some of the 12th century Kievian princes must have as they saw the Mongol hordes pouring across the plains towards them.
Oh dear.
Suddenly, there is so much to be done, and not enough time, and how will this get arranged? Things to be packed, schedules to be arranged..and the house? What will we do about the house? And getting the rabbit and the cats to Texas?
What if? What if? What if?
And then I have to stop, take a really deep breath, and just say "Thank you God. Thank you for providing me with this opportunity. I certainly cannot see all the avenues that need to be pursued, but if this is of you, it will go forward regardless."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
New Moon Coffee
A challenge when one wakes up at 0300 is that in the event one wants coffee AND in the event there is not enough coffee ground, one has to grind more. If one has multiple family members asleep AND wants them to stay asleep, this becomes a bit more difficult.
No problem, said the (twice) educated college graduate. I'll just take the coffee, the grinder, and the container and take them out to the front porch. There's a plug out there. I'll grind it up, bring it back in, and brew away. None (but possibly the dog) will be the wiser.
So, armed with my three items in two hands, out I went onto the now-lighted porch to grind my coffee. It was a bit cool, but not overly much, so I bent down and started grinding away, chuckling to myself about my ingenuity.
And then I looked up.
The early morning sky was pierced with light from the new moon. Venus sat off to the lower right, twinkling away, while the stars played a pale myriad of softer light.
I sat for a moment staring, ingenuity and coffee forgotten, looking up over the natural beauty which persisted above the row of houses and the highway noise. How I have missed the moon, having no early morning commute anymore and therefore no reason to see it in the morning.
I went back into the house subdued and started my coffee. An idea tugged at my head - initially I disregarded it (it was a bit cold outside), but finally took hold. And so, snug in my "Grumpy" sweatshirt and with newly brewed coffee in hand, I went out on the porch to have a moon viewing.
I just sat, the warmth of the coffee in my hand and steam of the coffee curling around my noise, staring at the silent moon and Venus floating in the sky. To my surprise, as I stared at the moon, I heard the whale-like song of sparrows singing away (at this time of the morning!) rising above the dull roar of the highway traffic behind me. The moon hovered, Venus twinkled, the sparrows chattered, the coffee steamed, and I just sat in awe. All of this, all that I was enjoying in the morning, was the gift of a good and gracious God, a God who created and sustained all that I was seeing - and its cost to me was a cup of coffee.
That, and getting my eyes off myself and my cleverness for a little while.
No problem, said the (twice) educated college graduate. I'll just take the coffee, the grinder, and the container and take them out to the front porch. There's a plug out there. I'll grind it up, bring it back in, and brew away. None (but possibly the dog) will be the wiser.
So, armed with my three items in two hands, out I went onto the now-lighted porch to grind my coffee. It was a bit cool, but not overly much, so I bent down and started grinding away, chuckling to myself about my ingenuity.
And then I looked up.
The early morning sky was pierced with light from the new moon. Venus sat off to the lower right, twinkling away, while the stars played a pale myriad of softer light.
I sat for a moment staring, ingenuity and coffee forgotten, looking up over the natural beauty which persisted above the row of houses and the highway noise. How I have missed the moon, having no early morning commute anymore and therefore no reason to see it in the morning.
I went back into the house subdued and started my coffee. An idea tugged at my head - initially I disregarded it (it was a bit cold outside), but finally took hold. And so, snug in my "Grumpy" sweatshirt and with newly brewed coffee in hand, I went out on the porch to have a moon viewing.
I just sat, the warmth of the coffee in my hand and steam of the coffee curling around my noise, staring at the silent moon and Venus floating in the sky. To my surprise, as I stared at the moon, I heard the whale-like song of sparrows singing away (at this time of the morning!) rising above the dull roar of the highway traffic behind me. The moon hovered, Venus twinkled, the sparrows chattered, the coffee steamed, and I just sat in awe. All of this, all that I was enjoying in the morning, was the gift of a good and gracious God, a God who created and sustained all that I was seeing - and its cost to me was a cup of coffee.
That, and getting my eyes off myself and my cleverness for a little while.
Sleepless
Up at 0300 this morning. My sleep pattern has been lousy, seemingly for months now (the job loss, you say?). The Ravishing Mrs. TB has had the same complaint of late - it seems that it alternates between the two of us, and one or the other has been up at the time for longer than I care to remember.
What got me up? Not sure today. An odd dream about working in a grocery store with no air conditioning, followed by the thought when I woke up of "The Center Cannot Hold". And then you wake up, of course, and realize that you're not going back to sleep, and you might as well make a go of it and not wake your spouse up by twisting in bed, trying to catch that elusive sleep...
The waiting is grinding. I tried to explain to Uisdean Ruadh once the amount of time it takes to get hired in The Industry. He verbally shook his head in shock, but as I pointed out to him, my previous two jobs took a month or more between first applying and getting hired - and actually as I think about it, it got consistently longer over a 4 year period, from 1 month to almost 2. In my current case as well, the jobs were both applied for in the end of March, and only now are potentially coming to fruition, 2 months later (and it will be 2 months plus by the time I would start one of them - something to bear in mind the next time I get the "urge" to be unhappy).
The sense of lack of control is astounding, something one cannot grasp unless you have been there - in a lot of ways I guess, just like sleep: it comes and goes, sometimes without your conscious participation in the process. You can't really do anything about it except to ride it out - which, I might add, is bitter consolation at 0300...
What got me up? Not sure today. An odd dream about working in a grocery store with no air conditioning, followed by the thought when I woke up of "The Center Cannot Hold". And then you wake up, of course, and realize that you're not going back to sleep, and you might as well make a go of it and not wake your spouse up by twisting in bed, trying to catch that elusive sleep...
The waiting is grinding. I tried to explain to Uisdean Ruadh once the amount of time it takes to get hired in The Industry. He verbally shook his head in shock, but as I pointed out to him, my previous two jobs took a month or more between first applying and getting hired - and actually as I think about it, it got consistently longer over a 4 year period, from 1 month to almost 2. In my current case as well, the jobs were both applied for in the end of March, and only now are potentially coming to fruition, 2 months later (and it will be 2 months plus by the time I would start one of them - something to bear in mind the next time I get the "urge" to be unhappy).
The sense of lack of control is astounding, something one cannot grasp unless you have been there - in a lot of ways I guess, just like sleep: it comes and goes, sometimes without your conscious participation in the process. You can't really do anything about it except to ride it out - which, I might add, is bitter consolation at 0300...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Inside Outside Upside Down
It occurred to me last night that my inner life (my daydreams, my imagination) and my outer life (the way I am day to day) are two completely separate creatures - and therein lies the problem.
I know, I know - much of what passes for my inner life is in places, times, and situations that can never occur (the chances of me being a starship captain now - very small). But it is the person I am in those dreams versus the person I seem to be that is the question, and is the difference.
My inner life, as I thought about it, is not only the product of my imagination, but a reaction to how I feel I am perceived to those around me. Inside, I am a commander, a leader, competent, admired, a "lion" if you will; outside, I feel (important word there) that I'm a cog, a follower, of little import and little regard, using humor to lead.
These two need to be reconciled, as I would propose that one cannot move forward or succeed on some levels in life without this integration.
Why am I here? I think it's because I fell into the trap of allowing myself to think of myself as a follower rather than a leader, to the point that when I got an opportunity to lead, I completely shut down. Also, I had a rough go with a mentor where I thought I was being mentored to lead only to hear that "You're not", but then being told that on the whole we should all aspire to be leaders. Tack onto that some experiences through high school (ah, those bucolic high school years) of finding your always in the support staff but never in the leading role - and suddenly, I get where some of this comes from.
It's the same motivator as those that get caught up in any sort of games, be they role playing or MMORPG or X-Box: The opportunity to be something you're not and something that you will never be.
So fine. How do I fix it? - because there's a lot I like about that guy inside. His poise, his confidence, his ability to make decisions, his competence - something that the guy on the outside often seems to lack. How do I get these two together?
I know, I know - much of what passes for my inner life is in places, times, and situations that can never occur (the chances of me being a starship captain now - very small). But it is the person I am in those dreams versus the person I seem to be that is the question, and is the difference.
My inner life, as I thought about it, is not only the product of my imagination, but a reaction to how I feel I am perceived to those around me. Inside, I am a commander, a leader, competent, admired, a "lion" if you will; outside, I feel (important word there) that I'm a cog, a follower, of little import and little regard, using humor to lead.
These two need to be reconciled, as I would propose that one cannot move forward or succeed on some levels in life without this integration.
Why am I here? I think it's because I fell into the trap of allowing myself to think of myself as a follower rather than a leader, to the point that when I got an opportunity to lead, I completely shut down. Also, I had a rough go with a mentor where I thought I was being mentored to lead only to hear that "You're not", but then being told that on the whole we should all aspire to be leaders. Tack onto that some experiences through high school (ah, those bucolic high school years) of finding your always in the support staff but never in the leading role - and suddenly, I get where some of this comes from.
It's the same motivator as those that get caught up in any sort of games, be they role playing or MMORPG or X-Box: The opportunity to be something you're not and something that you will never be.
So fine. How do I fix it? - because there's a lot I like about that guy inside. His poise, his confidence, his ability to make decisions, his competence - something that the guy on the outside often seems to lack. How do I get these two together?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Calm Before the Storm
A sense of foreboding this evening - not necessarily bad foreboding, just foreboding. The interviews are almost done; by this time next week, it is likely that I will have some resolution as to my career situations, and perhaps a great change in my life.
The thought, as it rolls around in my brain, invokes one of two feelings in me: to either not deal with the thought at all, or to not do the thing I should do, which is pray. It's interesting to me that this are two options, and in both cases, they are a call to non-action.
Why is this? Is my mind, now at the end, shuddering away from the very thing that I have been seeking and refusing to rely on the One who guide my through it? This is also an interesting thought to me, as I have to have done with the inability to tell the truth - to others of course, but primarily myself.
If things go the way they seem to be trending, I will have a brand new life in three months: new city, new home, new church, new school, and have to start building new connections. The sort of "reset" button one keeps thinking one wants in life but seldom gets.
I had coffee with He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN) this morning; he too is closing in on his second interview. I commented to him that as I look over the last 5 years, I can almost see the fingerprints of God on my life: I am currently in a position considering doing what I swore I would never do (leave my state, including family, friends, church, and school), having lost what I thought was a critical friendship (Himself), having tried and failed in doing my own thing (The Firm), having made a decision to leave where I had a safe job to where I had a cutting edge job (and lost it), now going back to a career field I thought seriously about leaving when I got laid off - it's as if, I pointed out, God has been prying my fingers off of what I was clinging to with a crowbar, one finger at a time.
To what end? I can't say for sure. Certainly to rely on Him more (a challenge any day, but more so when you're unemployed) but possibly as well to clear away the cobwebs of my thoughts on where I am and what I am doing, or to realize I have to "be" where I am instead of always dreaming about being somewhere else.
I'm not sure. All I know is very likely by this next Friday, the world, which has been in abeyance these last four months, will come crushing in like a tsunami running through streets.
The thought, as it rolls around in my brain, invokes one of two feelings in me: to either not deal with the thought at all, or to not do the thing I should do, which is pray. It's interesting to me that this are two options, and in both cases, they are a call to non-action.
Why is this? Is my mind, now at the end, shuddering away from the very thing that I have been seeking and refusing to rely on the One who guide my through it? This is also an interesting thought to me, as I have to have done with the inability to tell the truth - to others of course, but primarily myself.
If things go the way they seem to be trending, I will have a brand new life in three months: new city, new home, new church, new school, and have to start building new connections. The sort of "reset" button one keeps thinking one wants in life but seldom gets.
I had coffee with He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN) this morning; he too is closing in on his second interview. I commented to him that as I look over the last 5 years, I can almost see the fingerprints of God on my life: I am currently in a position considering doing what I swore I would never do (leave my state, including family, friends, church, and school), having lost what I thought was a critical friendship (Himself), having tried and failed in doing my own thing (The Firm), having made a decision to leave where I had a safe job to where I had a cutting edge job (and lost it), now going back to a career field I thought seriously about leaving when I got laid off - it's as if, I pointed out, God has been prying my fingers off of what I was clinging to with a crowbar, one finger at a time.
To what end? I can't say for sure. Certainly to rely on Him more (a challenge any day, but more so when you're unemployed) but possibly as well to clear away the cobwebs of my thoughts on where I am and what I am doing, or to realize I have to "be" where I am instead of always dreaming about being somewhere else.
I'm not sure. All I know is very likely by this next Friday, the world, which has been in abeyance these last four months, will come crushing in like a tsunami running through streets.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Hope
So today begins a busy week: one interview today to drive to, then tomorrow on a plane to fly to my second interview on Wednesday. In both cases these are exciting developments (at least exciting for those of us who are unemployed): in both cases they are second interviews, which have not happened to this date (Day 100 of unemployment for those keeping track on Unemployment Bingo).
I have been really trying to prepare for this interviews, reviewing regulations and trying to grasp a part of the industry which I have not previously been involved in. It's good work, as it has focused my mind wonderfully on the (for me) fun side of the industry, not the side it seems like I have to deal with so often, the personal relations/politics/petty tyrants which plague so many companies.
But the odd thing that has been happening around Taigh na Toirdhealbheach Beucail is even as I have been invigorated as I prepare, so has everyone else here. The Ravishing Mrs TB has begun to make plans as if I am going to employed, whether here or far away, and has started planning things as if it is going to happen. Na Clann have discussed with her and myself the possibility of moving, and although they would be sad at leaving family and friends, are somewhat excited about the possibilities that might exist. It's as if a forward energy has moved into the house, giving direction and purpose.
But isn't that what hope does? Brings us out of our despair and feeling that there simply is no purpose to giving us a purpose, a direction, the ability to plan forward and think ahead? One doesn't remember what hope does until one dwells without it for so long.
And the remarkable thing - at least for me - is that this is what the Christian life should be (not the way I seem to live it, but there you go): a life of hope. As Christians, we have the unique hope of the risen Christ, of eternity with God, of the fact that this is the worst things will be. We have hope - a real, risen hope, or as Paul says in Titus 2:13 "...the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ...".
But is also seems to me that is is where we as Christians - let's be fair, I as a Christian - fall down so often: being hopeful. The world craves hope right now: every self-help guru or self-help book or self-esteem laden message is hope - hope that you can be a better person right now. Christians have a better hope: not a hope that we can be better right now or life will be better right now, but that after this life, we have the hope of eternal life with Christ in Heaven, or as Randy Alcorn says, "We were made for a person and a place. Jesus is that person. Heaven is that place."
How can I take the temporal hope I feel right now and make those feelings of action and purpose translate into the same action and purpose for my eternal hope?
I have been really trying to prepare for this interviews, reviewing regulations and trying to grasp a part of the industry which I have not previously been involved in. It's good work, as it has focused my mind wonderfully on the (for me) fun side of the industry, not the side it seems like I have to deal with so often, the personal relations/politics/petty tyrants which plague so many companies.
But the odd thing that has been happening around Taigh na Toirdhealbheach Beucail is even as I have been invigorated as I prepare, so has everyone else here. The Ravishing Mrs TB has begun to make plans as if I am going to employed, whether here or far away, and has started planning things as if it is going to happen. Na Clann have discussed with her and myself the possibility of moving, and although they would be sad at leaving family and friends, are somewhat excited about the possibilities that might exist. It's as if a forward energy has moved into the house, giving direction and purpose.
But isn't that what hope does? Brings us out of our despair and feeling that there simply is no purpose to giving us a purpose, a direction, the ability to plan forward and think ahead? One doesn't remember what hope does until one dwells without it for so long.
And the remarkable thing - at least for me - is that this is what the Christian life should be (not the way I seem to live it, but there you go): a life of hope. As Christians, we have the unique hope of the risen Christ, of eternity with God, of the fact that this is the worst things will be. We have hope - a real, risen hope, or as Paul says in Titus 2:13 "...the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ...".
But is also seems to me that is is where we as Christians - let's be fair, I as a Christian - fall down so often: being hopeful. The world craves hope right now: every self-help guru or self-help book or self-esteem laden message is hope - hope that you can be a better person right now. Christians have a better hope: not a hope that we can be better right now or life will be better right now, but that after this life, we have the hope of eternal life with Christ in Heaven, or as Randy Alcorn says, "We were made for a person and a place. Jesus is that person. Heaven is that place."
How can I take the temporal hope I feel right now and make those feelings of action and purpose translate into the same action and purpose for my eternal hope?
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Self Reliance II
So here's timing for you: I wrote this morning (see below) about the fact that I am grappling with God being in control, and this being on His time frame, not mine. Sure enough, I got a call today from the out of state interview asking me to come down next week for an all day interview. Great I said. Originally it was fly Monday interview Tuesday, but then was changed to fly Tuesday interview Wednesday. About 2 hours later, the more local company called and asked if I could come in to do an interview; would next Monday work for me?
Huh. Well there you go. Now instead of worrying about finding a job, I get to spend the next week getting studied up and mentally prepared for interviewing. What a much better mental place to be.
I wonder, in my heart of hearts, if God was just waiting for that realization to occur...
Huh. Well there you go. Now instead of worrying about finding a job, I get to spend the next week getting studied up and mentally prepared for interviewing. What a much better mental place to be.
I wonder, in my heart of hearts, if God was just waiting for that realization to occur...
Self Reliance
There is a sense in which constant job hunting becomes an exercise in futility and depression - like yesterday. It was one of my "better" days (better in the sense of numbers), but at the same time mentally exhausting because of the fact that at the end, I realized I hit most of my weekly sites as well - so the expectation is that in fact I will find very little for the rest of the week.
But it brings up a bigger issue, as I look at this morning with a half hour search done: how much am I relying on this versus relying on God?
I have found that it is a constant struggle to not confuse the fact that I am to be diligent with the fact that in the end, I cannot "make" a job appear. I can put out a stream of resumes every day, but in the end only God can provide me with the job.
But in reality, it is God who is ultimately providing me with the existence of getting through day to day right now. The bills are still paid, food is still on the table, everyone is in good health - funny, that all seemed to happen without me having a job right now. Like somehow, I'm not really in control of it.
Intellectually I can grasp this. Viscerally it is much more difficult: we are so trained to act, to do, make things occur (if you've worked in the recent past, you know the focus is on "follow-up" and "closeout"), that the idea that doing what we can and relying on someone else (in this case, God) without worry is unnerving to the point of concern. Partially it may stem from the fact that to do this in real life is to realize failure repeatedly (if you've ever relied on someone else to complete something for you and have them forget, you'll understand), but partially it probably stems from our own pride as well, the sense that "I can do what I want. I need not rely on others."
When the job comes (as it will), will I look back on this time and say I was able to relax and see God providing for us, or will I look back and say I spent a great deal of time worrying and being depressed and unhappy trying to accomplish something that was never truly in my ability to accomplish?
But it brings up a bigger issue, as I look at this morning with a half hour search done: how much am I relying on this versus relying on God?
I have found that it is a constant struggle to not confuse the fact that I am to be diligent with the fact that in the end, I cannot "make" a job appear. I can put out a stream of resumes every day, but in the end only God can provide me with the job.
But in reality, it is God who is ultimately providing me with the existence of getting through day to day right now. The bills are still paid, food is still on the table, everyone is in good health - funny, that all seemed to happen without me having a job right now. Like somehow, I'm not really in control of it.
Intellectually I can grasp this. Viscerally it is much more difficult: we are so trained to act, to do, make things occur (if you've worked in the recent past, you know the focus is on "follow-up" and "closeout"), that the idea that doing what we can and relying on someone else (in this case, God) without worry is unnerving to the point of concern. Partially it may stem from the fact that to do this in real life is to realize failure repeatedly (if you've ever relied on someone else to complete something for you and have them forget, you'll understand), but partially it probably stems from our own pride as well, the sense that "I can do what I want. I need not rely on others."
When the job comes (as it will), will I look back on this time and say I was able to relax and see God providing for us, or will I look back and say I spent a great deal of time worrying and being depressed and unhappy trying to accomplish something that was never truly in my ability to accomplish?
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Lessons for Living from my Labrador Retriever
1) Eat early. Eat often.
2) Never be afraid to try new and different foods. Even horse poop can be considered a delicacy if approached properly.
3) If you see a body of water, jump in it.
4) Persistence is crucial. If someone will not immediately give you what you want, continue to be right next to them until they finally cave in.
5) When you meet new people, always greet them immediately (sniffing optional).
6) There is never a bad time to give or receive love.
7) When in doubt, always be the first one to give the wet sloppy kiss.
8) If someone looks at you, smile and wag your tail. It shows people you’re happy and ready to play.
9) When you’re let out, immediately run as hard as you can.
10) When you’re awake, be awake. When you sleep, be asleep. Don’t mix the two.
11) Always be aware when someone looks like they’re getting ready to go out. They might take you too.
12) Accept love from others as they give it. For some, this means petting you. For others, this means rolling on your head. They still both mean the same thing.
13) When driving, stick your head out the window.
14) Not everyone is your friend. It’s okay to growl at those that are not.
15) Be happy always. Who knows when a morsel is suddenly going to drop on the floor?
2) Never be afraid to try new and different foods. Even horse poop can be considered a delicacy if approached properly.
3) If you see a body of water, jump in it.
4) Persistence is crucial. If someone will not immediately give you what you want, continue to be right next to them until they finally cave in.
5) When you meet new people, always greet them immediately (sniffing optional).
6) There is never a bad time to give or receive love.
7) When in doubt, always be the first one to give the wet sloppy kiss.
8) If someone looks at you, smile and wag your tail. It shows people you’re happy and ready to play.
9) When you’re let out, immediately run as hard as you can.
10) When you’re awake, be awake. When you sleep, be asleep. Don’t mix the two.
11) Always be aware when someone looks like they’re getting ready to go out. They might take you too.
12) Accept love from others as they give it. For some, this means petting you. For others, this means rolling on your head. They still both mean the same thing.
13) When driving, stick your head out the window.
14) Not everyone is your friend. It’s okay to growl at those that are not.
15) Be happy always. Who knows when a morsel is suddenly going to drop on the floor?
Friday, May 01, 2009
Rain, Rain
A good day gone horribly awry. I made a trip up to the Ranch today primarily to look at bees - it's two weeks tomorrow, and I want to insure that they're doing okay. The forecast for tomorrow is rain, but I thought that if I went up today, I would beat it.
No such luck. I ended up peering into one and checking out (and well please indeed: larva galore and new comb) but did not get into the second one, as it was just raining too much.
So here I sit on a Friday, stuck inside having planned to do something outside. Not a totally wasted day of course: the hills are still quite green here (and will be more so, thanks to this rain), and I always enjoy watching the rain from inside. Still, it's frustrating: having planned to do something, I find I am unable to do the very thing I came for.
No such luck. I ended up peering into one and checking out (and well please indeed: larva galore and new comb) but did not get into the second one, as it was just raining too much.
So here I sit on a Friday, stuck inside having planned to do something outside. Not a totally wasted day of course: the hills are still quite green here (and will be more so, thanks to this rain), and I always enjoy watching the rain from inside. Still, it's frustrating: having planned to do something, I find I am unable to do the very thing I came for.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Belief and Perseverance and Others
I am coming face to face with the fact that I cannot do anything for someone else.
My problem is that for most things I do or have done or want to do, there is an aspect of wanting approval and notice by others, something that others will notice and praise me for, whether for skill or breadth of interest or knowledge or unusual facts.
That's not bad, I suppose - except that when the support goes away or is not there, so does the interest in doing these things. This would explain the litter of items and projects in my life, prospects started and never finished.
(It strikes me [on a somewhat related note] that this is the reason that "stars" end being excellent performers but often lousy people making lousy choices: they are so programmed for response and approval, they will do anything to elicit them - even bad things.)
Great. So what?
It occurs to me that, based on this, the key to succeeding is 1) Believe you can do it; and 2) Persevere until you do it.
Belief and perseverance: in both cases, this is something which has to come from within. One cannot (nor, it seems, one should not) rely on them being based on the inputs of others, because others cannot maintain that level for long periods of time - and if all you are basing your drive to succeed or excel on is the approval or interest of others, you will inevitably fail.
Actually, not totally true. There is One - the audience of One, God - who can. I get a hint of this idea of working with the audience of One in mind (something Os Guinness speaks to so eloquently in The Call.). Only God can pay attention to what we do, support us at all time, know both the intent of our hearts as well as the outcome of our deeds - and only God can fully reward us, not just here in time, but in eternity. In that sense, working for the support and approval of God is the appropriate place to use this seeming bent for approval.
The other thought that occurs about belief and perseverance is that belief precedes perseverance - one cannot persevere in anything unless you believe that you can succeed in the thing that you are persevering in.
So here's my though to chew on for today: how do I rely more on internal resources (belief and perseverance) towards the audience of One and less (or truly, not at all) on the external resources (interest and approval) of others?
My problem is that for most things I do or have done or want to do, there is an aspect of wanting approval and notice by others, something that others will notice and praise me for, whether for skill or breadth of interest or knowledge or unusual facts.
That's not bad, I suppose - except that when the support goes away or is not there, so does the interest in doing these things. This would explain the litter of items and projects in my life, prospects started and never finished.
(It strikes me [on a somewhat related note] that this is the reason that "stars" end being excellent performers but often lousy people making lousy choices: they are so programmed for response and approval, they will do anything to elicit them - even bad things.)
Great. So what?
It occurs to me that, based on this, the key to succeeding is 1) Believe you can do it; and 2) Persevere until you do it.
Belief and perseverance: in both cases, this is something which has to come from within. One cannot (nor, it seems, one should not) rely on them being based on the inputs of others, because others cannot maintain that level for long periods of time - and if all you are basing your drive to succeed or excel on is the approval or interest of others, you will inevitably fail.
Actually, not totally true. There is One - the audience of One, God - who can. I get a hint of this idea of working with the audience of One in mind (something Os Guinness speaks to so eloquently in The Call.). Only God can pay attention to what we do, support us at all time, know both the intent of our hearts as well as the outcome of our deeds - and only God can fully reward us, not just here in time, but in eternity. In that sense, working for the support and approval of God is the appropriate place to use this seeming bent for approval.
The other thought that occurs about belief and perseverance is that belief precedes perseverance - one cannot persevere in anything unless you believe that you can succeed in the thing that you are persevering in.
So here's my though to chew on for today: how do I rely more on internal resources (belief and perseverance) towards the audience of One and less (or truly, not at all) on the external resources (interest and approval) of others?
Monday, April 27, 2009
What Happens If You Got A Job?
Day 86 of layoff.
Daibhidh Mor had an interesting comment yesterday as we were sitting chatting after bottling beer. "How's it going to feel to go back to work?" he asked.
My initial thought was "Well, of course it's going to feel good". And it will. Forced inaction creates nothing but frustration. At the same time, it will be weird to be on a schedule again - and possibly one not of my own choosing.
Example: If my interview tomorrow is successful and eventually a job is offered, the reality is I will be facing a 2 hour commute going and a 2+ hour commute coming home. It's just that far. Add to that work and a lunch and a reasonable sleep time (and I really can't function with less than 7 hours a night), and that's 20 hours a day right there. The problem is, as soon as I go there, my head immediately fills up with everything that I will not be able to do - i.e. personal life down the tubes. This, as you might imagine, is less than a riveting thought.
On the other hand, I am making a critical error when I think this: that my time is my own. The reality is, it's not. I can't create it, I can't stop it, I can't add more to it, all I can do is use it effectively - that "redeeming the time" that shows up in Colossians and Ephesians. My time is really God's time. He has the right to determine how He uses it, even as He has the right to determine how He uses my life.
And that is where faith comes in. Whatever opportunity comes through, the reality is that it will cost me something. If it is a commuting, it will cost me the time to do things I think are important to me at the moment. I will simply have to have faith that in that case, God is accomplishing His purpose through me by doing things this way and that those things are not as important to Him as the thing that He is accomplishing.
Which is hard. I so want to say that I have control and need to have the freedom to do things because I'm unique and gifted and gosh darn it, I'm more than my job and this commute. How could God do this to me?
Which brings up the second thought: When you use this line of thinking with God, how well has it gone in the past?
Daibhidh Mor had an interesting comment yesterday as we were sitting chatting after bottling beer. "How's it going to feel to go back to work?" he asked.
My initial thought was "Well, of course it's going to feel good". And it will. Forced inaction creates nothing but frustration. At the same time, it will be weird to be on a schedule again - and possibly one not of my own choosing.
Example: If my interview tomorrow is successful and eventually a job is offered, the reality is I will be facing a 2 hour commute going and a 2+ hour commute coming home. It's just that far. Add to that work and a lunch and a reasonable sleep time (and I really can't function with less than 7 hours a night), and that's 20 hours a day right there. The problem is, as soon as I go there, my head immediately fills up with everything that I will not be able to do - i.e. personal life down the tubes. This, as you might imagine, is less than a riveting thought.
On the other hand, I am making a critical error when I think this: that my time is my own. The reality is, it's not. I can't create it, I can't stop it, I can't add more to it, all I can do is use it effectively - that "redeeming the time" that shows up in Colossians and Ephesians. My time is really God's time. He has the right to determine how He uses it, even as He has the right to determine how He uses my life.
And that is where faith comes in. Whatever opportunity comes through, the reality is that it will cost me something. If it is a commuting, it will cost me the time to do things I think are important to me at the moment. I will simply have to have faith that in that case, God is accomplishing His purpose through me by doing things this way and that those things are not as important to Him as the thing that He is accomplishing.
Which is hard. I so want to say that I have control and need to have the freedom to do things because I'm unique and gifted and gosh darn it, I'm more than my job and this commute. How could God do this to me?
Which brings up the second thought: When you use this line of thinking with God, how well has it gone in the past?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday Afternoon
I'm sitting out tonight in the spring early evening, barbecuing a tri-tip. It's actually one of my favourite places around the house when the weather is cooperating. Why? Because I can snuggle up to the lavender bushes and watch the bees land, search for pollen, and take off again. It's Spanish Lavender (Lavandula stoechas) so there is no scent, but I do have the buzzing of the bees as a sound scent.
The afternoon is made doubly good due to the fact that this afternoon, Daibhidh Mor and myself bottled 46 bottles of Munich Helles, 23 bottles apiece of which are sitting in each of our garages, starting the final fermentation process. It's not just the making of beer - in fact, that is secondary to the comraderie and fellowship (dare we use the word koinonia) that we enjoy while we do it, as well as the sense of enjoying the fruits of one's labor (something which we seem, as a modern society, to be so far removed from the end result of what we do for a living).
It is moments like this that reminds me of the vastness and breadth and goodness of God. All that I see, hear, feel, touch, and taste were created by Him - indeed, even the ability to sense and process the information was provided by Him, even as the gift of watching Nighean Dhonn blow and then catch a bubble wanders by me, as Syrah the mighty fruitlessly chases the bees trying to catch them. Not only do we have salvation, we have all this too!
It would be a tragic event, I think, if one only had the universe to thank for all of this instead of a loving God.
The afternoon is made doubly good due to the fact that this afternoon, Daibhidh Mor and myself bottled 46 bottles of Munich Helles, 23 bottles apiece of which are sitting in each of our garages, starting the final fermentation process. It's not just the making of beer - in fact, that is secondary to the comraderie and fellowship (dare we use the word koinonia) that we enjoy while we do it, as well as the sense of enjoying the fruits of one's labor (something which we seem, as a modern society, to be so far removed from the end result of what we do for a living).
It is moments like this that reminds me of the vastness and breadth and goodness of God. All that I see, hear, feel, touch, and taste were created by Him - indeed, even the ability to sense and process the information was provided by Him, even as the gift of watching Nighean Dhonn blow and then catch a bubble wanders by me, as Syrah the mighty fruitlessly chases the bees trying to catch them. Not only do we have salvation, we have all this too!
It would be a tragic event, I think, if one only had the universe to thank for all of this instead of a loving God.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sargasso Sea
This not knowing anything is quite the energy and purpose sapper. Two ongoing threads right now, one here and one away (as in another state away). Both will probably be decided one way or the other about the same time given hiring policies (and we hope at least one is decided the right way, because a job now would be an excellent thing!).
What it does seem to do is simply drain me. Something I had not counted on. I suppose it is a low grade form of depression, although I don't recognize it as such. There is much more of a sense of powerlessness, of going through the motions every day even though the results don't seem to be happening .
And thus, the energy and purpose sapper.
I just need to know. Either one, if they come through, will result in major changes to our schedules (if not our lives) - one potentially would involve a move. But continuing to exist in this twilight land of almost knowing, of waiting for the next interview or next response while the days (and the bank account) tick by - it is maddening.
What it does seem to do is simply drain me. Something I had not counted on. I suppose it is a low grade form of depression, although I don't recognize it as such. There is much more of a sense of powerlessness, of going through the motions every day even though the results don't seem to be happening .
And thus, the energy and purpose sapper.
I just need to know. Either one, if they come through, will result in major changes to our schedules (if not our lives) - one potentially would involve a move. But continuing to exist in this twilight land of almost knowing, of waiting for the next interview or next response while the days (and the bank account) tick by - it is maddening.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Second Star to the Right
Something happened to me this morning that has not happened to me in a long time: I woke up this morning in a good and confident mood.
Weird, huh?
To what, you may ask, can this seeming miracle be attributed? The Ravishing Mrs. TB returning from her cruise? Possibly - although it was not a conscious thought in the morning. Job? Nope. Sudden financial success? Again, Nope.
Then what happened?
The secret, I think, is that I woke up with a purpose this morning: paint. Yes, not my most favorite task and yes, 4.5 years after moving in, but still, with a purpose, something that needed to get done - and something which had a definitive end result, not a general sort like a job search where things go off into the electronic ether and never return.
The same thought process has occurred, interestingly enough, on Facebook. I have engaged in one of their available games Pirates!, and what I have discovered is (surprisingly) what I knew from playing role playing games: when I have a goal, a set endpoint with defined parameters, an experience level which requires x and y to get to, I hit the mark - every time.
So here's my puzzle: how do I translate this into something I can use in my day to day life? How do I transfer how I work - clearly defined goals with definitive rewards and endpoints - into the non-clearly defined area of life?
I understand how to use the Second Star to the Right -the question is, what is there that makes steering for it so important?
Weird, huh?
To what, you may ask, can this seeming miracle be attributed? The Ravishing Mrs. TB returning from her cruise? Possibly - although it was not a conscious thought in the morning. Job? Nope. Sudden financial success? Again, Nope.
Then what happened?
The secret, I think, is that I woke up with a purpose this morning: paint. Yes, not my most favorite task and yes, 4.5 years after moving in, but still, with a purpose, something that needed to get done - and something which had a definitive end result, not a general sort like a job search where things go off into the electronic ether and never return.
The same thought process has occurred, interestingly enough, on Facebook. I have engaged in one of their available games Pirates!, and what I have discovered is (surprisingly) what I knew from playing role playing games: when I have a goal, a set endpoint with defined parameters, an experience level which requires x and y to get to, I hit the mark - every time.
So here's my puzzle: how do I translate this into something I can use in my day to day life? How do I transfer how I work - clearly defined goals with definitive rewards and endpoints - into the non-clearly defined area of life?
I understand how to use the Second Star to the Right -the question is, what is there that makes steering for it so important?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Driving Stakes Through Our Hearts
I have been re-reading some of my farming/gardening/agricultural books since my enforced vacation - partially because it's that time of year and I need to be getting ready, but partially because I am trying to think ahead to a future which, even if a job comes through as it will, will require a constant frugality and undergirding structure. This cannot happen again.
As I do this, I am finding that it is almost physically painful for me to continue reading them after a certain point. Physically painful? Reading a book? Me? Something larger is going on here.
And then, at 0400 this morning when I woke up to drop The Ravishing Mrs. TB off at the airport, the thought popped into my head "Driving Stakes Through Our Hearts". It just hung there, like words on a computer screen, softly blinking on and off.
It hit me later in the afternoon, when I was reeling between ferrying children hither and yon: the stakes we drive through our hearts are the ones we drive through our dreams. That's why reading such things is painful to me, why thinking of such things is painful - because it represents the putting aside or potentially even the death of a dream.
But the funny thing - the thing I never thought of before - is that the only person who, in the end, can drive a stake through our dreams is ourselves. Sure, I can blame other people, circumstances, bad weather, a lack of good coffee - but the reality, if I stop and look at it for just a minute, is that in each and every case, the stake driven into my own heart was done with my one hand on the stake and the other on the hammer.
It's confidence - self confidence, the idea that no matter what the obstacles, if I put my mind to it I can do it. It's that lack of confidence, that fear, that makes one - me - feel like I must kill the dream for some sort of vague sense of security which, given my current circumstances, is shown to simply be as wispy as a light morning fog.
The question: If a stake can be removed, will the hole heal or will it simply be a damaged dream, unable to fully function again?
As I do this, I am finding that it is almost physically painful for me to continue reading them after a certain point. Physically painful? Reading a book? Me? Something larger is going on here.
And then, at 0400 this morning when I woke up to drop The Ravishing Mrs. TB off at the airport, the thought popped into my head "Driving Stakes Through Our Hearts". It just hung there, like words on a computer screen, softly blinking on and off.
It hit me later in the afternoon, when I was reeling between ferrying children hither and yon: the stakes we drive through our hearts are the ones we drive through our dreams. That's why reading such things is painful to me, why thinking of such things is painful - because it represents the putting aside or potentially even the death of a dream.
But the funny thing - the thing I never thought of before - is that the only person who, in the end, can drive a stake through our dreams is ourselves. Sure, I can blame other people, circumstances, bad weather, a lack of good coffee - but the reality, if I stop and look at it for just a minute, is that in each and every case, the stake driven into my own heart was done with my one hand on the stake and the other on the hammer.
It's confidence - self confidence, the idea that no matter what the obstacles, if I put my mind to it I can do it. It's that lack of confidence, that fear, that makes one - me - feel like I must kill the dream for some sort of vague sense of security which, given my current circumstances, is shown to simply be as wispy as a light morning fog.
The question: If a stake can be removed, will the hole heal or will it simply be a damaged dream, unable to fully function again?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ready and Waiting
So we're ready for the bees. My father and I moved the bee yard (I guess I can say I have one of those now) from where it was, behind the upper pasture fence and under some trees, to out in front of the fence, in the sun. My hope is that removing them from under the trees will help to prevent some of the potential moth issues we've had in the past by not putting the bees directly under a resting place for the moths. We'll see. Mixed up syrup for feeding, got the other feeder sealed and ready.It is still remarkably green at the Ranch, and the manzinita and buttercups are in bloom, so there is plenty of hope that there will be a strong nectar flow from Day one of their arrival.
Off to get the bees and install them tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A Peer Into the Dark
Mulling my next steps.
I'm still continuing with the job search, of course. On the other hand, the reality is at this moment I've submitted 174 CVs very places, received 25 replies, only 3 interviews, and no offers. Even when I was using my outsourcing service and asked the question of suggestions, she simply said "It's a numbers game."
I hate numbers games.
Something on my own? An odd but interesting proposition. I've done this before of course, and failed spectacularly - but then again, not sure how much we actually treated it like a business. We were good at what we did, just not so good about tightly managing our money.
The thing of interest to me is that it actually has the power to get me excited, something which the job search is getting tougher and tougher to do. I had a spark of interest the last two days, looking at things, actually maybe dreaming, that kind of thing.
The other thing that is somewhat motivating is simply not being dependent directly on someone else. Yes, of course I know that in the end, someone has to buy whatever you're selling. But now, I am completely waiting for someone to control my employment destiny - and thus, my paycheck. And as recent events have shown, that can go away at moment's notice.
Nothing firm of course - but even planning has got to be more productive than some of the ways I'm spending my job search time right now.
I'm still continuing with the job search, of course. On the other hand, the reality is at this moment I've submitted 174 CVs very places, received 25 replies, only 3 interviews, and no offers. Even when I was using my outsourcing service and asked the question of suggestions, she simply said "It's a numbers game."
I hate numbers games.
Something on my own? An odd but interesting proposition. I've done this before of course, and failed spectacularly - but then again, not sure how much we actually treated it like a business. We were good at what we did, just not so good about tightly managing our money.
The thing of interest to me is that it actually has the power to get me excited, something which the job search is getting tougher and tougher to do. I had a spark of interest the last two days, looking at things, actually maybe dreaming, that kind of thing.
The other thing that is somewhat motivating is simply not being dependent directly on someone else. Yes, of course I know that in the end, someone has to buy whatever you're selling. But now, I am completely waiting for someone to control my employment destiny - and thus, my paycheck. And as recent events have shown, that can go away at moment's notice.
Nothing firm of course - but even planning has got to be more productive than some of the ways I'm spending my job search time right now.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Frustration and Self Non-Belief
A sense of frustration and pointless activity fills my brain. The frustration stems from my notification that I would not be consideration for the job I interviewed for two weeks ago (a general frustration for the loss of the opportunity, not a specific frustration for the loss of the job - I truly think it would have created far more stress in my life). The pointless activity sense comes from the idea that I'm not doing something, or I'm not doing something enough, or there is some aspect that I am missing, that I should be doing.
An interesting thing happened last night as well. As I tried to deal with my frustration and pointless activity, a thought bounced through my head: How about your own business? Not even taking the time to think, I immediately myself over into some resources I had for reading, even starting to make a list of interests, etc. - right up to the point that my inner thought police (apparently) showed up and said "There's no way you can do this. Get real. Apply for more jobs. " And that was that.
The thing that surprised me is that the shut down occurred so quickly - almost as quickly as the trial balloon went up, it came crashing back down to earth.
I'm not arguing for or against my own business. What I am curious about is the almost immediate sense of "I can't do that" or "It just won't work" - as if what I am currently doing is somehow working so much more effectively.
Which wends its way back to belief in self.
I admire Otis in this. He has a towering (in the good sense) sense of belief in himself - certainly which is required given his line of business (sales), but in other things I know about him and his life. What he decides to do, he does. In that sense (so far as I can tell) he is very goal and results oriented. For example, when he decided to run he went out, got educated, got shoes, and started running. He's up to 4 miles every other day now.
Not so much me - partially I suspect because I am not in sales, so I have not had this goal/results combination (in my line of work, you work. Anything you accomplish is always seemingly subsumed into the giant collective and you get the 0.5% bonus once a year plus an occasional "Good Job" back pat.), but also partially because of a significant character impediment within myself - simply put, I've either not directly trained in the goal/result line of thinking or a sense that no matter what I try, it simply will either not work or will not make a difference.
How do I overcome this seeming character deficit? To succeed (in anything), you need to believe that you can. How does one generate the belief that one can? How does one sustain it?
An interesting thing happened last night as well. As I tried to deal with my frustration and pointless activity, a thought bounced through my head: How about your own business? Not even taking the time to think, I immediately myself over into some resources I had for reading, even starting to make a list of interests, etc. - right up to the point that my inner thought police (apparently) showed up and said "There's no way you can do this. Get real. Apply for more jobs. " And that was that.
The thing that surprised me is that the shut down occurred so quickly - almost as quickly as the trial balloon went up, it came crashing back down to earth.
I'm not arguing for or against my own business. What I am curious about is the almost immediate sense of "I can't do that" or "It just won't work" - as if what I am currently doing is somehow working so much more effectively.
Which wends its way back to belief in self.
I admire Otis in this. He has a towering (in the good sense) sense of belief in himself - certainly which is required given his line of business (sales), but in other things I know about him and his life. What he decides to do, he does. In that sense (so far as I can tell) he is very goal and results oriented. For example, when he decided to run he went out, got educated, got shoes, and started running. He's up to 4 miles every other day now.
Not so much me - partially I suspect because I am not in sales, so I have not had this goal/results combination (in my line of work, you work. Anything you accomplish is always seemingly subsumed into the giant collective and you get the 0.5% bonus once a year plus an occasional "Good Job" back pat.), but also partially because of a significant character impediment within myself - simply put, I've either not directly trained in the goal/result line of thinking or a sense that no matter what I try, it simply will either not work or will not make a difference.
How do I overcome this seeming character deficit? To succeed (in anything), you need to believe that you can. How does one generate the belief that one can? How does one sustain it?
Thursday, April 09, 2009
An Idle Thought
So I completed the "What Element are You" quiz on Facebook. This is my categorization for your perusal:
"Congratulations, friend! You are Aether, you rarest and most mystical of all the elements. Metaphysical, otherworldly, supernatural, whichever way you slice it, you are one special soul. Whereas other people have experienced the odd circumstance or random weird event, your life is defined by them. You rely heavily on an intuition that has hardly ever let you down. Sometimes your thoughts and dreams could be considered downright psychic. Having such a unique set of gifts comes at a price though. Mainly a two-way skepticism between yourself and just about everyone else in your world. Finding people who understand you becomes a daily internal struggle and one that follows you wherever you go. Since your element is one supposedly beyond earthly comprehension it is up to you (as well as others) to work to build a bridge of understanding. Your place in the world: You are the ethereal entity blessed (or cursed) with the task of opening the eyes of a closed-minded world to the world they have blinded themselves to."
Although, I would argue, I am an odd circumstance or random event all on my own...
"Congratulations, friend! You are Aether, you rarest and most mystical of all the elements. Metaphysical, otherworldly, supernatural, whichever way you slice it, you are one special soul. Whereas other people have experienced the odd circumstance or random weird event, your life is defined by them. You rely heavily on an intuition that has hardly ever let you down. Sometimes your thoughts and dreams could be considered downright psychic. Having such a unique set of gifts comes at a price though. Mainly a two-way skepticism between yourself and just about everyone else in your world. Finding people who understand you becomes a daily internal struggle and one that follows you wherever you go. Since your element is one supposedly beyond earthly comprehension it is up to you (as well as others) to work to build a bridge of understanding. Your place in the world: You are the ethereal entity blessed (or cursed) with the task of opening the eyes of a closed-minded world to the world they have blinded themselves to."
Although, I would argue, I am an odd circumstance or random event all on my own...
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Orion
I had a Buttercup moment last night (a Buttercup moment, for those unaware, is a moment where the beauty of the natural world pierces us with the glory of the God who created it. My friend Buttercup writes about them often - and a great deal better than I do).
I was out taking my cool down walk after running. We had rain during the day, so the night sky was overcast. I didn't think much about the sky overhead during my run or the walk after, when suddenly I chanced to look up. There, in almost a perfect break in the clouds, was the constellation of Orion, the Warrior. The clouds framed the stars perfectly: you could see the outline of his body with his arm raised and shield, but could not see his opponent to his left (Taurus, for those of you keeping track on Constellation Bingo). I turned off my music and just sat there, marvelling at the the fact that the clouds only revealed this one constellation totally to me at just the time I was walking around at night and of the God who could arrange all of this in its beauty.
Wow. Talk about your messages from Heaven.
No, there was no voice. But it was, I think, a message and reminder none the less.
I was out taking my cool down walk after running. We had rain during the day, so the night sky was overcast. I didn't think much about the sky overhead during my run or the walk after, when suddenly I chanced to look up. There, in almost a perfect break in the clouds, was the constellation of Orion, the Warrior. The clouds framed the stars perfectly: you could see the outline of his body with his arm raised and shield, but could not see his opponent to his left (Taurus, for those of you keeping track on Constellation Bingo). I turned off my music and just sat there, marvelling at the the fact that the clouds only revealed this one constellation totally to me at just the time I was walking around at night and of the God who could arrange all of this in its beauty.
Wow. Talk about your messages from Heaven.
No, there was no voice. But it was, I think, a message and reminder none the less.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Frustration II
Otis called me this afternoon. During our chat, I mentioned my earlier posting and lamented the fact of uncertainty, of not knowing six months from now what was going on. He pointed out "You know, we really don't know if we'll be here at all six months from now."
"Thanks", I replied. "I was trying to avoid any specific lessons from this, although I suppose I'll have to address them now." In that way, I'm much like Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes who tells Hobbes one day "I like my lessons drawn so specifically that I cannot generally apply them to my life."
But the obvious application is there - the one I skirted around this morning.
The reality is, almost everyone builds their lives on shifting sand, making plans based on what they think will happen. “I have certainty" we shout, having a job, a house, good health, money in the bank, and a coffee maker that works – and go around making 5, 10, or 30 year plans based on what we perceive as secure, our lives (and our morning coffee).
However, we build on shifting sands. This is not all there is - although we treat it as such. I laugh at the foolishness of putting in a garden for a house that I may leave – but do I also laugh at putting time and effort and money and resources into the things of this life which I also will leave?
It’s not that there is something wrong with building and planning and putting our resources away, it’s just where we put them.
Am I planting my garden for time, or for eternity?
"Thanks", I replied. "I was trying to avoid any specific lessons from this, although I suppose I'll have to address them now." In that way, I'm much like Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes who tells Hobbes one day "I like my lessons drawn so specifically that I cannot generally apply them to my life."
But the obvious application is there - the one I skirted around this morning.
The reality is, almost everyone builds their lives on shifting sand, making plans based on what they think will happen. “I have certainty" we shout, having a job, a house, good health, money in the bank, and a coffee maker that works – and go around making 5, 10, or 30 year plans based on what we perceive as secure, our lives (and our morning coffee).
However, we build on shifting sands. This is not all there is - although we treat it as such. I laugh at the foolishness of putting in a garden for a house that I may leave – but do I also laugh at putting time and effort and money and resources into the things of this life which I also will leave?
It’s not that there is something wrong with building and planning and putting our resources away, it’s just where we put them.
Am I planting my garden for time, or for eternity?
Frustration
I woke up this morning and realized something had left during the night.
My dreams.
It's a funny thing, to wake up and realize that you simply don't have anything you feel you should be working towards or attempting to achieve. Weird really, and completely not the way it's supposed to be.
So I thought some more. Where did these dreams go? And then I realized my real concern was not dreams, but frustration.
Being unemployed is frustrating on any number of levels, but one of the more subtle levels is that of losing your dreams and goals. Why? Because suddenly there is no platform to put them on. You have no idea where you will be, or when you will be working, or what the nature of your work will be and how consuming it will become between work, commute, and sleep. There's no sense in starting a grand project only to realize that through leaving or scheduling you can no longer complete it. All things fade into nonsensicality, waiting for the determining call that suddenly gives you the frame of reference to start restructuring your life. Anything you take in hand beyond one or two days simply becomes sand pouring through your fingers into the crashing waves.
My dreams.
It's a funny thing, to wake up and realize that you simply don't have anything you feel you should be working towards or attempting to achieve. Weird really, and completely not the way it's supposed to be.
So I thought some more. Where did these dreams go? And then I realized my real concern was not dreams, but frustration.
Being unemployed is frustrating on any number of levels, but one of the more subtle levels is that of losing your dreams and goals. Why? Because suddenly there is no platform to put them on. You have no idea where you will be, or when you will be working, or what the nature of your work will be and how consuming it will become between work, commute, and sleep. There's no sense in starting a grand project only to realize that through leaving or scheduling you can no longer complete it. All things fade into nonsensicality, waiting for the determining call that suddenly gives you the frame of reference to start restructuring your life. Anything you take in hand beyond one or two days simply becomes sand pouring through your fingers into the crashing waves.
Monday, April 06, 2009
The No-Entry Entry
So here it is, 6 days into April and almost 1.5 weeks since I last posted.
Why?
I don't really have a good answer. I could allude to busyness, or a lack of new developments, or even sheer laziness - but I don't know that any of those things would be true.
The reality is, there are times when it seems like you don't have a great deal to say - like the cauldron which is spewing forth ideas gets crusted over to the point that, like a magma chamber which will eventually (I suppose) burst forth in an eruption of words and thoughts and ideas.
You would think I would - I had a job interview last week that left me reeling with either the fear of not being hired, or the fear of being hired; of meeting with He Who Must Not Be Named who laid off the previous week; of going to a local job fair and seeing a line around the building for companies that were just talking and directing people to websites instead of taking resumes or having interviews; having a nice Friday of hiking Mt. Diablo and a Men's retreat.
But no - no sense to write about any of it. Just a sort of "Blah" when the thought comes around, as if there is nothing of significance to write on.
Significance. There's a word that's floated around in my head more than once during this period. If there is anything that being laid off for a period of time helps you realize, it is your relative lack of significance in an world that seems (shockingly) to continue along quite well without your presence, thank you very much. It also brings attention to what I spent my time on at work, performing my job. Just think: all the documents carefully handled according to systems, the audits, the training records filed away in the event of an audit - all of these are just taking up space somewhere in storage, ready for planned destruction or unplanned obsolescence, moldering on a box in a giant storage facility somewhere. Talk about your disincentives to continue in your field - or in a lot of them really, since so many are simply that: creating and managing products or records that will eventually (or not so eventually) pass into the night without a thought.
How do we more fully focus on what is significant when so much of what we do as a part of living in 21st Century America rails against it?
Why?
I don't really have a good answer. I could allude to busyness, or a lack of new developments, or even sheer laziness - but I don't know that any of those things would be true.
The reality is, there are times when it seems like you don't have a great deal to say - like the cauldron which is spewing forth ideas gets crusted over to the point that, like a magma chamber which will eventually (I suppose) burst forth in an eruption of words and thoughts and ideas.
You would think I would - I had a job interview last week that left me reeling with either the fear of not being hired, or the fear of being hired; of meeting with He Who Must Not Be Named who laid off the previous week; of going to a local job fair and seeing a line around the building for companies that were just talking and directing people to websites instead of taking resumes or having interviews; having a nice Friday of hiking Mt. Diablo and a Men's retreat.
But no - no sense to write about any of it. Just a sort of "Blah" when the thought comes around, as if there is nothing of significance to write on.
Significance. There's a word that's floated around in my head more than once during this period. If there is anything that being laid off for a period of time helps you realize, it is your relative lack of significance in an world that seems (shockingly) to continue along quite well without your presence, thank you very much. It also brings attention to what I spent my time on at work, performing my job. Just think: all the documents carefully handled according to systems, the audits, the training records filed away in the event of an audit - all of these are just taking up space somewhere in storage, ready for planned destruction or unplanned obsolescence, moldering on a box in a giant storage facility somewhere. Talk about your disincentives to continue in your field - or in a lot of them really, since so many are simply that: creating and managing products or records that will eventually (or not so eventually) pass into the night without a thought.
How do we more fully focus on what is significant when so much of what we do as a part of living in 21st Century America rails against it?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Finding and Saving
God will speak through His word if we are willing to let Him.
As part of my daily devotionals this year (I think I've mentioned this before), I am taking small blocks of the Gospels and reading them continuously for a month. This month is Matthew 9-12.
As I was reading through Matthew 10:37-39 this morning
"He who loved father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. He who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take up his cross is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it"
I scanned down to look at the commentary (MacArthur Study Bible, NKJV) to look at the cross referenced verses. As I went to the cross references, I noticed a difference. I will use Matthew 16:25 here - "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." - but the same wording is used in Mark 8:34 and Luke 9:24. Note the difference: "finds" versus "saves" or "desires to saves".
Hmm. Maybe a translation issue here. I pulled out my Nestle-Aland 4th Revised edition of the Greek New Testament. Nope. There are really two different words used here: heuron versus sosai or thelei sosai (willingness or desire to save).
Heurisko (heuron), means "to find for oneself, gain, procure, obtain." Sozo (sosai) means (not surprisingly) "to save", in the sense of salvation. Thelema (thelei) means "A will, that which is willed" (All definitions taken from Vines Complete Expositionary Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words).
Now as I've lectured in my work life constantly, words mean things. I carefully choose the words that I send out on an e-mail or use in a document because I want the reader to read them in the spirit and understanding I sent them. So there is a difference here - what is it?
The saving part seems pretty straightforward - Christ is simply saying that anyone that seeks to save his life (and by life here, we mean eternal soul) by an other means than the free gift of salvation, will in the end lose it. Works can't save. Only faith in the atonement of Christ can -but that means denying any ability you have to save yourself, a recognition of my sinfulness and the need for humility (i.e. I can't do it myself and what God says about me is really true).
But the finding - how can I "find" my life and not save it?
I think - and to be fair, this is my opinion and my application - Christ is speaking to those who seek to find their gain or procure their life in anything but Him. This would also be works, certainly, but could be anything to which we would give our lives which is not of God - the good cause or noble work which is more important than doing God's work God's way.
But (and this is perhaps a big but) in our current age, I think this speaks poignantly to us. We hear a great deal about "finding ourselves", "finding our way", "finding the perfect job/mate/lifestyle/coffee flavored drink" for us - as if finding temporal satisfaction will somehow improve our standing with God. "God wouldn't want me to be in a job I don't like" or "God wouldn't want me not to find the way to express myself" we say, and then off we go trying to argue that self actualization plus a form of the Gospel will cut it.
Not so, says Christ.
Remember the previous verses: "He who loves father or mother or son or daughter or will not take up his cross (additionally in the other referenced verses, will not denying himself) - is not
worthy of me." Anything plus Christ for salvation = no salvation.
I write this mostly to myself - I fully know that I can't save myself, but have I grasped the truth that finding myself is equally as non-worthy in Christ's eyes? In a sense, what a relief - I can shed this load of worrying that I'm not doing everything I should with what I think I've been given. If God wants me to use it, He'll provide the outlet. My job is to remain faithful and concerned with ensuring I remain in that state of self death and self denial. On the other hand, what horror the church has created - so often we give the illusion that temporally satisfactions and lifestyles are the equivalent of salvation from Hell.
Will I spend my time more concerned about finding my own life or about losing my life for the sake of Christ and His gospel?
As part of my daily devotionals this year (I think I've mentioned this before), I am taking small blocks of the Gospels and reading them continuously for a month. This month is Matthew 9-12.
As I was reading through Matthew 10:37-39 this morning
"He who loved father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. He who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take up his cross is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it"
I scanned down to look at the commentary (MacArthur Study Bible, NKJV) to look at the cross referenced verses. As I went to the cross references, I noticed a difference. I will use Matthew 16:25 here - "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." - but the same wording is used in Mark 8:34 and Luke 9:24. Note the difference: "finds" versus "saves" or "desires to saves".
Hmm. Maybe a translation issue here. I pulled out my Nestle-Aland 4th Revised edition of the Greek New Testament. Nope. There are really two different words used here: heuron versus sosai or thelei sosai (willingness or desire to save).
Heurisko (heuron), means "to find for oneself, gain, procure, obtain." Sozo (sosai) means (not surprisingly) "to save", in the sense of salvation. Thelema (thelei) means "A will, that which is willed" (All definitions taken from Vines Complete Expositionary Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words).
Now as I've lectured in my work life constantly, words mean things. I carefully choose the words that I send out on an e-mail or use in a document because I want the reader to read them in the spirit and understanding I sent them. So there is a difference here - what is it?
The saving part seems pretty straightforward - Christ is simply saying that anyone that seeks to save his life (and by life here, we mean eternal soul) by an other means than the free gift of salvation, will in the end lose it. Works can't save. Only faith in the atonement of Christ can -but that means denying any ability you have to save yourself, a recognition of my sinfulness and the need for humility (i.e. I can't do it myself and what God says about me is really true).
But the finding - how can I "find" my life and not save it?
I think - and to be fair, this is my opinion and my application - Christ is speaking to those who seek to find their gain or procure their life in anything but Him. This would also be works, certainly, but could be anything to which we would give our lives which is not of God - the good cause or noble work which is more important than doing God's work God's way.
But (and this is perhaps a big but) in our current age, I think this speaks poignantly to us. We hear a great deal about "finding ourselves", "finding our way", "finding the perfect job/mate/lifestyle/coffee flavored drink" for us - as if finding temporal satisfaction will somehow improve our standing with God. "God wouldn't want me to be in a job I don't like" or "God wouldn't want me not to find the way to express myself" we say, and then off we go trying to argue that self actualization plus a form of the Gospel will cut it.
Not so, says Christ.
Remember the previous verses: "He who loves father or mother or son or daughter or will not take up his cross (additionally in the other referenced verses, will not denying himself) - is not
worthy of me." Anything plus Christ for salvation = no salvation.
I write this mostly to myself - I fully know that I can't save myself, but have I grasped the truth that finding myself is equally as non-worthy in Christ's eyes? In a sense, what a relief - I can shed this load of worrying that I'm not doing everything I should with what I think I've been given. If God wants me to use it, He'll provide the outlet. My job is to remain faithful and concerned with ensuring I remain in that state of self death and self denial. On the other hand, what horror the church has created - so often we give the illusion that temporally satisfactions and lifestyles are the equivalent of salvation from Hell.
Will I spend my time more concerned about finding my own life or about losing my life for the sake of Christ and His gospel?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Work Worth Doing
My garden has been a beneficiary of my current unemployment. That has now begun to spill over into my backyard courtesy of Daibhidh Mor, who is the king of "Do it Yourself" - he has been working hard over at his house getting his yard in shape, which has put me to shame.
So now that the garden is basically done (except for planting), I've moved onto the back yard. Mostly little stuff - finishing up trimming the grass where the Ravishing Mrs. TB started doing it, trimming back bushes, working on the back fence (badly in need of repair in at least one spot) - and then sweeping up after the whole thing.
It occurred to me, as I was washing down and sweeping up the dirt around where the garbage cans sit, that this was a moment where the doing of the work was not effort - that in amidst the warm breeze of spring and the sun, that this was work worth doing, whether or not it was paying. It just felt good. In a real sense, it was motto of the Cistercians: Laborare est Orare, to work is to pray, that point at which doing work is actually a prayer - sometimes even more so than a formal prayer service.
I want more work like that.
So now that the garden is basically done (except for planting), I've moved onto the back yard. Mostly little stuff - finishing up trimming the grass where the Ravishing Mrs. TB started doing it, trimming back bushes, working on the back fence (badly in need of repair in at least one spot) - and then sweeping up after the whole thing.
It occurred to me, as I was washing down and sweeping up the dirt around where the garbage cans sit, that this was a moment where the doing of the work was not effort - that in amidst the warm breeze of spring and the sun, that this was work worth doing, whether or not it was paying. It just felt good. In a real sense, it was motto of the Cistercians: Laborare est Orare, to work is to pray, that point at which doing work is actually a prayer - sometimes even more so than a formal prayer service.
I want more work like that.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Fabulous Bentley Brothers
Many of you who know me know how much I enjoy music, especially clever music. On Phil Vischer's new venture JellyTelly, he has a segment called "The Fabulous Bentley Brothers", which is posited on the notion of what would it be like if two brothers did bible songs on an Ed Sullivan style format. The songs are well written and orchestrated and the costumes are great. Here are a couple. You can check on You Tube for more.
One on Judges:
And one on Leviticus:
Enjoy!
One on Judges:
And one on Leviticus:
Enjoy!
What if?
I had coffee last week with An Sagart Eoin, my pastor. I always enjoy having coffee with him, although I don't do it as much as maybe I would like or should, because I'm always conscious that he probably has to talk to a lot of people with problems a lot more serious than mine. He's open and sincere and has a good perspective to offer, often one I don't see myself (and his sermons rock!).
As we were talking through my current situation and where I was looking, etc., he suddenly blurts out "You know, have you ever considered going back to school to get your doctorate in Theology? You'd probably be pretty good at it. I know there's a lot you wouldn't know right now - how to pay for it, etc. - but just a thought."
"Just a thought" - three of the most dangerous words in the English language to end a thought on, because inevitably one chews on them.
So I pondered a bit yesterday on the thought. The initial reaction was sort of exciting. I like going to school. I'm very good at studying. And it is certainly subject matter I enjoy - to teach, I should think, not to be a pastor. I know pastors - and I know the compassion and long suffering they have to have. I, unfortunately, am neither.
But then the follow-on came, as it always does: it's probably another 5-7 years to finish the program (I'd have to get one, maybe two Master's degrees and then the Th.D.), and how would I pay for that, we'd probably have to move, etc. And, to my mind the most constricting, I would worry about going through the process of application and finding out that there are parts of my past that would simply not make it possible.
But the thought still hangs there today, the day after I did all the research and the initial rejection of myself: what if? If not seminary, what if something else? Sure, I don't have any of the details worked out, but if it is the will of God, that will work itself out.
What if?
As we were talking through my current situation and where I was looking, etc., he suddenly blurts out "You know, have you ever considered going back to school to get your doctorate in Theology? You'd probably be pretty good at it. I know there's a lot you wouldn't know right now - how to pay for it, etc. - but just a thought."
"Just a thought" - three of the most dangerous words in the English language to end a thought on, because inevitably one chews on them.
So I pondered a bit yesterday on the thought. The initial reaction was sort of exciting. I like going to school. I'm very good at studying. And it is certainly subject matter I enjoy - to teach, I should think, not to be a pastor. I know pastors - and I know the compassion and long suffering they have to have. I, unfortunately, am neither.
But then the follow-on came, as it always does: it's probably another 5-7 years to finish the program (I'd have to get one, maybe two Master's degrees and then the Th.D.), and how would I pay for that, we'd probably have to move, etc. And, to my mind the most constricting, I would worry about going through the process of application and finding out that there are parts of my past that would simply not make it possible.
But the thought still hangs there today, the day after I did all the research and the initial rejection of myself: what if? If not seminary, what if something else? Sure, I don't have any of the details worked out, but if it is the will of God, that will work itself out.
What if?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Direction
So I've had that "God wants to talk to me" feeling twice within the space of a week. No, not the "I'm hearing God talk to me audibly" or "I had a vision involving avocados and shrimp and I'm sure it was a vision" - just a sort of nudging in the soul, a "Go pray and read - I want to interact with you" - which is, I think, the way it is supposed to work.
It's amazing how easy it is to shove that feeling away - I managed to do it for two hours this morning, buried beneath job searches - looking for the perfect time, yet pretending that somehow my frame of mind after a fruitless search will be as good as starting my search after speaking with the Creator of the universe. Funny how I try to convince myself of the impossible.
I did a combination of things: read 1 Corinthians, underlying commands of Paul for the Christian, read a chapter or two in Created to be God's Friend by Henry Blackaby and a chapter or two of Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. It was all good, but it left me more frustrated than ever. Why? Because I still can't discern what God wants me to do.
I crave direction. I'm in an unusual position at the moment: looking for employment, wondering what to look for and where to look. I don't feel any "sense" that I should move (our church is excellent, I love Na Clann's school, and we're relatively close to family), but at the same time nothing seems to be moving forward here. I've read conflicting opinions about the "Open Door" policy of God - a telling comment by Blackaby that I read today was "We are free to choose - but we must live with the consequences of our choice." For me, a person who doesn't like making decisions anyway, this is almost an absolution - except that by making no choice, of course, we choose.
Proverbs 3:5-8 came to mind as I drifted off to sleep last night:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own insights.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will direct your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will bring healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones."
Notice my part: Trust in the Lord with all my heart, don't rely on my own insights, acknowledge Him in all my ways, don't be wise in my own estimation, Fear God, turn away from evil. His part: He will direct my paths resulting in healing and refreshment.
Seems easy, but oh how hard. The line that stuck with me as I drifted to bed last night was "Do not rely on your own insights." How often have I followed my insights, or disguised an "answer" from God as merely an acknowledgment of a circumstance I set up in my mind knowing it could be met (a very low hurdle). How often I rely on me: God gave me a brain, I'm to use it. Notice also that intelligence or common sense is not addressed: the focus is on God, and looking to Him for guidance.
Which presupposes that He will give and reveal it - but on His terms and in His timing, not ours.
In who am I trusting? Who's wisdom am I relying on? Who am I acknowledging as my expert and guide?
It amazes me how in the midst of this He continues to drive me to Himself.
It's amazing how easy it is to shove that feeling away - I managed to do it for two hours this morning, buried beneath job searches - looking for the perfect time, yet pretending that somehow my frame of mind after a fruitless search will be as good as starting my search after speaking with the Creator of the universe. Funny how I try to convince myself of the impossible.
I did a combination of things: read 1 Corinthians, underlying commands of Paul for the Christian, read a chapter or two in Created to be God's Friend by Henry Blackaby and a chapter or two of Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. It was all good, but it left me more frustrated than ever. Why? Because I still can't discern what God wants me to do.
I crave direction. I'm in an unusual position at the moment: looking for employment, wondering what to look for and where to look. I don't feel any "sense" that I should move (our church is excellent, I love Na Clann's school, and we're relatively close to family), but at the same time nothing seems to be moving forward here. I've read conflicting opinions about the "Open Door" policy of God - a telling comment by Blackaby that I read today was "We are free to choose - but we must live with the consequences of our choice." For me, a person who doesn't like making decisions anyway, this is almost an absolution - except that by making no choice, of course, we choose.
Proverbs 3:5-8 came to mind as I drifted off to sleep last night:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own insights.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will direct your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will bring healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones."
Notice my part: Trust in the Lord with all my heart, don't rely on my own insights, acknowledge Him in all my ways, don't be wise in my own estimation, Fear God, turn away from evil. His part: He will direct my paths resulting in healing and refreshment.
Seems easy, but oh how hard. The line that stuck with me as I drifted to bed last night was "Do not rely on your own insights." How often have I followed my insights, or disguised an "answer" from God as merely an acknowledgment of a circumstance I set up in my mind knowing it could be met (a very low hurdle). How often I rely on me: God gave me a brain, I'm to use it. Notice also that intelligence or common sense is not addressed: the focus is on God, and looking to Him for guidance.
Which presupposes that He will give and reveal it - but on His terms and in His timing, not ours.
In who am I trusting? Who's wisdom am I relying on? Who am I acknowledging as my expert and guide?
It amazes me how in the midst of this He continues to drive me to Himself.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Life as Plant Cuttings
A remarkable thing happened to me this morning - in typical, fashion, as I was doing something most unremarkable, drying dishes.
In the process of removing the dishes from the sink, I was forced to move aside the runners of a plant sitting at the corner of the sink, in the window. It's been there for months now, really I haven't paid that much attention - and suddenly, it grew.
There is a history about this plant. It was given to us as a cutting, a gift for a small group church dinner we were invited too. I remember because that was the nadir of my walk in real estate, when I truly messed up - and then had to hold it together through dinner with people I didn't really know.
The plant came home with us, where it got re-potted and set out. The cats ate it, the kids plucked leaves off of it, it sometimes down to one or two runners - but somehow it always continued to live and struggle back. It became an emblem for me in my life, as real estate failed and the commute to one company got too long, and then when the other company failed: the plant came back, so I can too.
And then one day, looking at the plant, the Ravishing Mrs. TB decided to move it into the kitchen - the darn thing really wasn't do that well. And then, come these days of longer light, the plant is thriving, kicking out growth all over the place (including into our clean dishes).
The thought it triggered this morning as I was moving the runners out of the way is what changed for the plant. Plants, if you don't remember, need three things: light, water, and carbon dioxide. The water was always there (sometimes too much), the carbon dioxide is always present (can't really control that), which leaves (no pun intended) the light. A simple change in one of three elements changed it from survive to thrive.
Now admittedly humans are more complicated than plants, and typically need more input than water, sunlight, and carbon dioxide. But we're not all that complicated that the point is lost. If I feel I am surviving, what are the inputs that I need. What could I change that would move me from survive to thrive? A thriving plant is the kind that eventually we derive all our food and fiber from: plants that are just surviving do not produce fruits or vegetables or fibers because they're struggling just to hang on.
I would therefore posit that if I am not thriving, it's because one of the inputs I need is not sufficient and needs to be tweaked.
What's my input that needs to be changed?
What's yours?
In the process of removing the dishes from the sink, I was forced to move aside the runners of a plant sitting at the corner of the sink, in the window. It's been there for months now, really I haven't paid that much attention - and suddenly, it grew.
There is a history about this plant. It was given to us as a cutting, a gift for a small group church dinner we were invited too. I remember because that was the nadir of my walk in real estate, when I truly messed up - and then had to hold it together through dinner with people I didn't really know.
The plant came home with us, where it got re-potted and set out. The cats ate it, the kids plucked leaves off of it, it sometimes down to one or two runners - but somehow it always continued to live and struggle back. It became an emblem for me in my life, as real estate failed and the commute to one company got too long, and then when the other company failed: the plant came back, so I can too.
And then one day, looking at the plant, the Ravishing Mrs. TB decided to move it into the kitchen - the darn thing really wasn't do that well. And then, come these days of longer light, the plant is thriving, kicking out growth all over the place (including into our clean dishes).
The thought it triggered this morning as I was moving the runners out of the way is what changed for the plant. Plants, if you don't remember, need three things: light, water, and carbon dioxide. The water was always there (sometimes too much), the carbon dioxide is always present (can't really control that), which leaves (no pun intended) the light. A simple change in one of three elements changed it from survive to thrive.
Now admittedly humans are more complicated than plants, and typically need more input than water, sunlight, and carbon dioxide. But we're not all that complicated that the point is lost. If I feel I am surviving, what are the inputs that I need. What could I change that would move me from survive to thrive? A thriving plant is the kind that eventually we derive all our food and fiber from: plants that are just surviving do not produce fruits or vegetables or fibers because they're struggling just to hang on.
I would therefore posit that if I am not thriving, it's because one of the inputs I need is not sufficient and needs to be tweaked.
What's my input that needs to be changed?
What's yours?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Layoffs and Economics
Sorry I haven't written as much. I'm in sort of a funny place, not really feeling like I have anything to write, I suppose. I don't want to be the endless whiner going on about "I cannot continue to find a job", because that just gets awfully boring awfully quick.
Although I did get some more sadness this afternoon. Sigh. I got an e-mail from An Dreathan Ruadh today that she had been notified that she, along with 3o of her colleagues, were being laid off in three weeks. Being herself, she said that she held it together until she heard that her sister was being laid off as well. (You should probably pray for her).
It's sad as well because of a Wall Street Journal blog that states out of 360 small biotechs surveyed (my industry), 120 estimated that they have less than 6 months of cash left, and an "expert" consulted expect over 100 of those to fail. And then you start doing the math, of all the things they won't buy, and then the things the people who sell the things they won't buy won't buy other things...and so it goes.
It's pushing me in some interesting economic directions for food for thought. Thoughts about the nature of economy, the nature of production, all the things we spend our money on versus what is necessary, the nature of producers and consumers.
A thought: If we only spent money on necessities, how long much longer would our money last? What would those who sold non-necessities do? Starve? Go into work that produces something instead of transferring something? The service economy (which we now live in) is essentially a new economic construct of the last 30-40 years - a blip on the timeframe of economic history. Do we truly know what is viable? Do we know what happens if it fails?
Riddles, riddles in the dark...
Although I did get some more sadness this afternoon. Sigh. I got an e-mail from An Dreathan Ruadh today that she had been notified that she, along with 3o of her colleagues, were being laid off in three weeks. Being herself, she said that she held it together until she heard that her sister was being laid off as well. (You should probably pray for her).
It's sad as well because of a Wall Street Journal blog that states out of 360 small biotechs surveyed (my industry), 120 estimated that they have less than 6 months of cash left, and an "expert" consulted expect over 100 of those to fail. And then you start doing the math, of all the things they won't buy, and then the things the people who sell the things they won't buy won't buy other things...and so it goes.
It's pushing me in some interesting economic directions for food for thought. Thoughts about the nature of economy, the nature of production, all the things we spend our money on versus what is necessary, the nature of producers and consumers.
A thought: If we only spent money on necessities, how long much longer would our money last? What would those who sold non-necessities do? Starve? Go into work that produces something instead of transferring something? The service economy (which we now live in) is essentially a new economic construct of the last 30-40 years - a blip on the timeframe of economic history. Do we truly know what is viable? Do we know what happens if it fails?
Riddles, riddles in the dark...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Defining Things
So today I found out more about Uisdean Ruadh's Father in Law's death. Apparently, the house he and his mother in-law lived in was being foreclosed on. His mother in law had no idea there were any money problems whatsoever. His mother in law now has a triple loss: her husband, her home, and all the network and friends she had in her current situation; in a very real sense, her life.
In a horrible way it does not make sense to me, and yet I can fathom where the despair came from: he was of an older generation where such things were considered a personal disgrace. I have been to the edge of such a mindset, where the pain of suicide seems less than the pain of enduring so I can imagine the emotional turmoil he was probably undergoing, the sense of helplessness and loss and inability to make everything right.
But only to the edge. I cannot see beyond that curve in the road.
But what a terrible reminder to the import we can place on those things which have little value in the light of eternity. What is a house, a car, in fact all our things compared to our relationship with God and with others? Losing things does not diminish me as a person. Indeed, even losing my reputation because of situation and circumstance does not diminish me as a person.
But one cannot hold it inside. That is the point at which problems occur. Even with my own (drastically less serious) circumstances, the temptation is to begin to disconnect with others, especially when there is a sense of futility, or depression. At that point, things become a self echoing chamber, and all the bad thoughts we think become self fulfilling prophecies. And the problem with self-fulfilling prophecies is that the finite self cannot see what the infinite God sees, and so makes poor choices.
In my daily life, am I letting the things and circumstances define who I am in Christ? How I see others in Christ? Or will the inanimate determine the value Christ has said I have?
In a horrible way it does not make sense to me, and yet I can fathom where the despair came from: he was of an older generation where such things were considered a personal disgrace. I have been to the edge of such a mindset, where the pain of suicide seems less than the pain of enduring so I can imagine the emotional turmoil he was probably undergoing, the sense of helplessness and loss and inability to make everything right.
But only to the edge. I cannot see beyond that curve in the road.
But what a terrible reminder to the import we can place on those things which have little value in the light of eternity. What is a house, a car, in fact all our things compared to our relationship with God and with others? Losing things does not diminish me as a person. Indeed, even losing my reputation because of situation and circumstance does not diminish me as a person.
But one cannot hold it inside. That is the point at which problems occur. Even with my own (drastically less serious) circumstances, the temptation is to begin to disconnect with others, especially when there is a sense of futility, or depression. At that point, things become a self echoing chamber, and all the bad thoughts we think become self fulfilling prophecies. And the problem with self-fulfilling prophecies is that the finite self cannot see what the infinite God sees, and so makes poor choices.
In my daily life, am I letting the things and circumstances define who I am in Christ? How I see others in Christ? Or will the inanimate determine the value Christ has said I have?
Friday, March 13, 2009
A prayer for Uisdean Ruadh
If you could spare a prayer for Uisdean Ruadh, that would be good. He was notified tonight that one of his ex-father in laws killed himself at home. No other information at this point. Pray for him, his ex-wife's family, and his daughter.
God bless. Hug your spouse a little tighter tonight.
God bless. Hug your spouse a little tighter tonight.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Transposition
I had a reality moment just now - one of those things that just catches the corner of your eye and you initially ignore it, then it slowly works it's way back into your consciousness.
I was going through my e-mails and found an e-mail from the Voice of The Martyrs, a Christian organization which speaks for the persecuted church. I sort of quickly scanned it, as I often do, noted it said something about becoming involved with the persecuted church -wouldn't that be nice? - clicked the link and read it sort of haphazardly, then went back to the e-mail.
And there, as I looked one more time, the advertisement to the left of the text caught my eye: "Get a free Gucci Handbag +Watch" the ad proclaimed - right across from pictures of the persecuted church.
There it was, plain as the (somewhat oversize) nose on my face: the temporal and the eternal, the thing that matter and the things that don't. Persecuted for the faith on one side, free handbag and watch on the other. And so often like myself, both on the same page, as if they were bonded together.
When people read the e-mail of my life, what do they see? Faith or handbag?
I was going through my e-mails and found an e-mail from the Voice of The Martyrs, a Christian organization which speaks for the persecuted church. I sort of quickly scanned it, as I often do, noted it said something about becoming involved with the persecuted church -wouldn't that be nice? - clicked the link and read it sort of haphazardly, then went back to the e-mail.
And there, as I looked one more time, the advertisement to the left of the text caught my eye: "Get a free Gucci Handbag +Watch" the ad proclaimed - right across from pictures of the persecuted church.
There it was, plain as the (somewhat oversize) nose on my face: the temporal and the eternal, the thing that matter and the things that don't. Persecuted for the faith on one side, free handbag and watch on the other. And so often like myself, both on the same page, as if they were bonded together.
When people read the e-mail of my life, what do they see? Faith or handbag?
Stripped
Being unemployed is, I'm finding, a desert experience. Every week - sometimes every day - it feels like another layer of self is peeled away, revealing more of what is actually inside.
It's curious to me how much I can use the interactions of things like jobs and people and phone calls and e-mail and the Internet and radio/CD noise to drown out what is happening inside of me. It seems like only now, that all of that has essentially stopped, that I can in some different way truly see and hear myself.
And frankly, I don't like everything I'm finding.
My inadequacies become more revealed. My sin becomes more apparent. Those things that I manage to cram down beneath the facade of getting through the workday bubble up in a wretched cauldron of foulness. The emotions that I usually seem to be able to manage burst out like a volcano.
All in all, not a pretty picture.
And then I am confronted with the reality of the Gospel: this is what I am without Christ. Look at everything I manage to hold together in my own power - but the reality is, all that is managing this is finite. It's me - and even in the me, it is really only gifts from Him. It's going away. Imagine suddenly facing God with the self - the true self, with none of the aides I use to hold myself in check -revealed. At that point, the foolishness of thinking that I truly controlled myself and my life will be gone - but it will be too late.
But for the reality of the Gospel: That God through His Son did what I could not do and paid the price of my sin, so that when God sees me, He sees the righteousness of His Son, not the mess that I am. Certainly I need to endeavor to deal with my sin - but never in the belief or conclusion that it is under my own power.
Look at the mess I managed to make on my own.
It's curious to me how much I can use the interactions of things like jobs and people and phone calls and e-mail and the Internet and radio/CD noise to drown out what is happening inside of me. It seems like only now, that all of that has essentially stopped, that I can in some different way truly see and hear myself.
And frankly, I don't like everything I'm finding.
My inadequacies become more revealed. My sin becomes more apparent. Those things that I manage to cram down beneath the facade of getting through the workday bubble up in a wretched cauldron of foulness. The emotions that I usually seem to be able to manage burst out like a volcano.
All in all, not a pretty picture.
And then I am confronted with the reality of the Gospel: this is what I am without Christ. Look at everything I manage to hold together in my own power - but the reality is, all that is managing this is finite. It's me - and even in the me, it is really only gifts from Him. It's going away. Imagine suddenly facing God with the self - the true self, with none of the aides I use to hold myself in check -revealed. At that point, the foolishness of thinking that I truly controlled myself and my life will be gone - but it will be too late.
But for the reality of the Gospel: That God through His Son did what I could not do and paid the price of my sin, so that when God sees me, He sees the righteousness of His Son, not the mess that I am. Certainly I need to endeavor to deal with my sin - but never in the belief or conclusion that it is under my own power.
Look at the mess I managed to make on my own.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Crushed
So I heard from the recruiter today. I am out of the running for the interview I did last week.
She was very kind - apologized for leaving a message but knew I wanted to know, that they were inundated with candidates, and had found a couple they felt were more suited to the company culture and their needs.
Surprisingly enough, I was very disappointed by this - I believe one could use the word depressed.
Looking at it clinically, I am somewhat as to why this is the case. Certainly this was no guarantee - in fact, nothing more than a hope, because I knew going in there were plenty of resumes they would be looking at. I also knew that the first interviewee (which was me) is either in a very privileged or unprivileged position by being the benchmark.
Still, deep disappointment.
I think the disappointment comes from the process: this was my first true interview in seven weeks of looking. It took almost precisely a month to get the process to this point - now, it has to be started all over again somewhere else. And the same factors are all in place: many resumes, many skilled people, too few jobs.
Intellectually I know all this; emotionally, it still stings.
She was very kind - apologized for leaving a message but knew I wanted to know, that they were inundated with candidates, and had found a couple they felt were more suited to the company culture and their needs.
Surprisingly enough, I was very disappointed by this - I believe one could use the word depressed.
Looking at it clinically, I am somewhat as to why this is the case. Certainly this was no guarantee - in fact, nothing more than a hope, because I knew going in there were plenty of resumes they would be looking at. I also knew that the first interviewee (which was me) is either in a very privileged or unprivileged position by being the benchmark.
Still, deep disappointment.
I think the disappointment comes from the process: this was my first true interview in seven weeks of looking. It took almost precisely a month to get the process to this point - now, it has to be started all over again somewhere else. And the same factors are all in place: many resumes, many skilled people, too few jobs.
Intellectually I know all this; emotionally, it still stings.
The Forge of God
"But the LORD has taken you out of the iron furnace, out of Egypt, to be His people, an inheritance, as you are this day." - Deuteronomy 4:21
"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." - Isaiah 48:10
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." - 1 Peter 1: 6-7
The realization came to me Saturday night that I am on the forge of God.
This period of waiting, of being between, is not wasted: instead, it is a fire to heat, purify, and mold my life.
The frustration I feel are not those of opposition: they are the hammer blows, shaping me and honing my edge.
The heat of my frustrations and seeming inaction are those of a fire, burning away the impurities and lesser things of my life.
Why here? Why now? That I cannot yet answer - or maybe will never answer in this life. But physical items are beginning to assume their proper role; spiritual matters are rising to to the surface to be dealt with as needed; that which is not critical is being burned away and removed to leave that which is critical.
I do not like being here - but with this realization, there is no place I would rather be.
"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." - Isaiah 48:10
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." - 1 Peter 1: 6-7
The realization came to me Saturday night that I am on the forge of God.
This period of waiting, of being between, is not wasted: instead, it is a fire to heat, purify, and mold my life.
The frustration I feel are not those of opposition: they are the hammer blows, shaping me and honing my edge.
The heat of my frustrations and seeming inaction are those of a fire, burning away the impurities and lesser things of my life.
Why here? Why now? That I cannot yet answer - or maybe will never answer in this life. But physical items are beginning to assume their proper role; spiritual matters are rising to to the surface to be dealt with as needed; that which is not critical is being burned away and removed to leave that which is critical.
I do not like being here - but with this realization, there is no place I would rather be.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Lost
I am adrift without moorings.
I have been nagged over the last week with a feeling of increasing, I do not know how to say it: aimlessness, purposelessness, lack of direction - like the boundaries of one's life have expanded to the point that they simple do not connect one to another, and therefore have no current meaning or ability to guide one.
It's as if the old paradigms of my life no longer make sense. In some ways this seems logical: I don't have a job currently, so the structure of a job and life arranged around that job would of course not be present. But there is a greater sense that the paradigms of my life no longer make sense, as if I am thrust into a world barely hinted at with no instruction except the knowledge that I should be doing something.
The odd thing is that even if I were to get offered a job on Monday (the earliest any such thing could happen), I would not be the same man that left the industry a bare month ago. Something happened, something I cannot fully define except to know that it has occurred - and this colors my perceptions.
It is a damnable thing, this knowing without understanding. It relentlessly drives one to some action, even as it will not suggest the action it requires. It is the sense of great things occurring without and occurring within, and being prevented from truly seeing either one - or what I am to do about them.
It is odd to me because I don't recall this kind of...of...aimlessness and unease the last time I got laid off. I marked time, looked for work, and pretty much went in the same as I went out 1.5 years earlier. This feels different; a month should not make this kind of difference.
It makes one want to scream "Tell me what you want and I'll do it" - to hear only the echo of the request banging through one's brain.
It is a veiled mystery. I do not like veiled mysteries. I like clarity and focus, because that can guide me.
This only seems to leave me in one place, tempted to go five others but not knowing what to do or how to get there.
I have been nagged over the last week with a feeling of increasing, I do not know how to say it: aimlessness, purposelessness, lack of direction - like the boundaries of one's life have expanded to the point that they simple do not connect one to another, and therefore have no current meaning or ability to guide one.
It's as if the old paradigms of my life no longer make sense. In some ways this seems logical: I don't have a job currently, so the structure of a job and life arranged around that job would of course not be present. But there is a greater sense that the paradigms of my life no longer make sense, as if I am thrust into a world barely hinted at with no instruction except the knowledge that I should be doing something.
The odd thing is that even if I were to get offered a job on Monday (the earliest any such thing could happen), I would not be the same man that left the industry a bare month ago. Something happened, something I cannot fully define except to know that it has occurred - and this colors my perceptions.
It is a damnable thing, this knowing without understanding. It relentlessly drives one to some action, even as it will not suggest the action it requires. It is the sense of great things occurring without and occurring within, and being prevented from truly seeing either one - or what I am to do about them.
It is odd to me because I don't recall this kind of...of...aimlessness and unease the last time I got laid off. I marked time, looked for work, and pretty much went in the same as I went out 1.5 years earlier. This feels different; a month should not make this kind of difference.
It makes one want to scream "Tell me what you want and I'll do it" - to hear only the echo of the request banging through one's brain.
It is a veiled mystery. I do not like veiled mysteries. I like clarity and focus, because that can guide me.
This only seems to leave me in one place, tempted to go five others but not knowing what to do or how to get there.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Purpose
Purpose (pÇ”r’pÉ™s): (Middle english purposen< Old French proposer, to intend resolve, or plan) - 1. something one intends to get or do; intention; aim; 2. resolution; determination; 3. the object for which something exists or is done; end in view.
I have been encouraged by Lus a' Chronn Chionn to write about what it means when someone says they have "A Purpose in Life". Something about me being depressed and out of it and retreating into a shell (like that ever happens).
So. For life I'll skip the big definition. Let's just call it the time of our existence for ease. I'm not setting a time frame here (like consciousness or adulthood) as there are those who undoubtedly meet their purpose in life without reaching either.
Then I have three potential meanings:
1) The intention/aim of my life (let's personalize, shall we?).
2) The resolution/determination of my life.
3) The object or end in view of my life; what should be completed by the end of my life.
Interesting that. There are three different things that one's purpose in life could be. It could be argued that all three can be set by an individual, or maybe only one and two.
#1 obviously is set by the individual. I determine the aim or intention of my life - sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. However, I cannot guarantee that I will meet them.
#2 is again set by the individual. I make resolutions or determinations about what I am going to accomplish in my day, my week, my life. Again, I cannot guarantee that I wil meet them.
#3 is not necessarily set by the individual. Again, interesting. I can think I have the object or end of my life in view, but I don't really control that to a great extent, do I? If I don't control it, then I don't necessarily know what it is, do I?
As a Christian though, #3 is not an option for me. The command is to glorify (magnify, make great) God to the world in whatever I do ("Whether you eat or drink or whatever, you do, do all to the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31). That doesn't spell out where I do it or how I do it, only what must be done. And it also sort of spells out how long it should be done - to the end of my life which, since I don't control, could effectively be tomorrow or forty years. Again, relieved of the responsibility of knowing how long I have to do it.
Hmmm. If I think about that, what a lot of freedom I've been granted. As long as I am not doing anything expressly forbidden or something that will cause another to stumble (always parameters), I'm free to do what I want, as long as I glorify God. What a nifty thought - if for no other reason than I would not have wonder if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. If I am magnifying God, I'm doing it. And interestingly enough, if I am magnifying God, I can guarantee that I'm meeting my purpose, even though it may be in something that doesn't seem to possibly be able to glorify God.
Huh. There's a thought for a Wednesday night.
I have been encouraged by Lus a' Chronn Chionn to write about what it means when someone says they have "A Purpose in Life". Something about me being depressed and out of it and retreating into a shell (like that ever happens).
So. For life I'll skip the big definition. Let's just call it the time of our existence for ease. I'm not setting a time frame here (like consciousness or adulthood) as there are those who undoubtedly meet their purpose in life without reaching either.
Then I have three potential meanings:
1) The intention/aim of my life (let's personalize, shall we?).
2) The resolution/determination of my life.
3) The object or end in view of my life; what should be completed by the end of my life.
Interesting that. There are three different things that one's purpose in life could be. It could be argued that all three can be set by an individual, or maybe only one and two.
#1 obviously is set by the individual. I determine the aim or intention of my life - sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. However, I cannot guarantee that I will meet them.
#2 is again set by the individual. I make resolutions or determinations about what I am going to accomplish in my day, my week, my life. Again, I cannot guarantee that I wil meet them.
#3 is not necessarily set by the individual. Again, interesting. I can think I have the object or end of my life in view, but I don't really control that to a great extent, do I? If I don't control it, then I don't necessarily know what it is, do I?
As a Christian though, #3 is not an option for me. The command is to glorify (magnify, make great) God to the world in whatever I do ("Whether you eat or drink or whatever, you do, do all to the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31). That doesn't spell out where I do it or how I do it, only what must be done. And it also sort of spells out how long it should be done - to the end of my life which, since I don't control, could effectively be tomorrow or forty years. Again, relieved of the responsibility of knowing how long I have to do it.
Hmmm. If I think about that, what a lot of freedom I've been granted. As long as I am not doing anything expressly forbidden or something that will cause another to stumble (always parameters), I'm free to do what I want, as long as I glorify God. What a nifty thought - if for no other reason than I would not have wonder if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. If I am magnifying God, I'm doing it. And interestingly enough, if I am magnifying God, I can guarantee that I'm meeting my purpose, even though it may be in something that doesn't seem to possibly be able to glorify God.
Huh. There's a thought for a Wednesday night.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Obedience
I have come to see that obedience is the core of the Christian life.
Obedience to God is simply obeying all that God commands us to. Yes, that includes loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, and strength (and interestingly even that was given as a command), but it also includes loving others, serving others, and obeying what God has commanded. In a sense, Christianity is the most straightforward thing in the world: we know what we are to do, we need merely to do it.
Ah, needing merely to do it. There’s the rub. In a great many ways, it is the rub because simply put, we cannot do it ourselves – only the power of the living God in us through His Holy Spirit will enable us to do it. To the extent that we present Christianity without the empowerment of God, we delude others (and ourselves) into their (or our) ability to be Christ-like. “Be transformed by the renewing of your minds” said Paul in Romans 12:2, not “Be better through your own power”.
But the other rub involves the choices we make to simply ignore what God says. Many now question if we can even know what God has said – which I find unusual in the fact that they would become greatly upset if I applied whatever meaning I wanted to their words. “No, no” they would cry, “we meant this.” Odd that they will not apply the same courtesy and standard to the Book they profess to follow.
God has made it abundantly clear what He wants from His children and requires of us. The Bible is replete with examples of where God’s children failed to obey Him fully, or obey Him at all, and the terrible consequences that came as a result of not obeying Him fully – yet we in our arrogance believe that we are somehow immune to the Divine Mandate.
And we wonder why the Church is powerless.
I say requires purposely. God is God and we are not. Scripture says that every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord. Every knee, every tongue. God is worthy of our praise and worship because of who He is and what He has done – even the damned will be forced on the Day of Judgment to admit God’s worth, holiness, and perfect justice.
But the 21st Century Church does not take obeying Him seriously. In so many ways, we have become the church of Pergamos in Revelation 2:12-17, wanting to have God but also wanting to have the world in our midst.
To be obedient to God is to be sold out to God. But to be sold out to anything means that one is completely consumed by that thing, conforming to whatever it is, ridding one’s self of anything that is not that thing. Anyone who has worldly high achievements – athletes, intellectuals – understands that to achieve a great thing, one needs to be obedient to requirements necessary to make that thing possible.
But we, the church, continue to cling to God and the world – sometimes for “good reasons” (we can’t be thought of as extreme, or unloving), or sometimes for the pure pleasure that a lack of obedience brings (I know it’s not necessarily right, but after all, it’s not expressly forbidden and we are supposed to have some fun, right?). And then we wonder why we are not having a bigger impact on our world.
What will it take for the church – which is really ourselves – to begin to obey God completely, fully, as He both requires and deserves? What will it take for us to, as John Piper says, make much of God and nothing of ourselves? Only that kind of obedience is both worthy of the God of the Universe and is the obedience that He says He will reward.
Obedience to God is simply obeying all that God commands us to. Yes, that includes loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, and strength (and interestingly even that was given as a command), but it also includes loving others, serving others, and obeying what God has commanded. In a sense, Christianity is the most straightforward thing in the world: we know what we are to do, we need merely to do it.
Ah, needing merely to do it. There’s the rub. In a great many ways, it is the rub because simply put, we cannot do it ourselves – only the power of the living God in us through His Holy Spirit will enable us to do it. To the extent that we present Christianity without the empowerment of God, we delude others (and ourselves) into their (or our) ability to be Christ-like. “Be transformed by the renewing of your minds” said Paul in Romans 12:2, not “Be better through your own power”.
But the other rub involves the choices we make to simply ignore what God says. Many now question if we can even know what God has said – which I find unusual in the fact that they would become greatly upset if I applied whatever meaning I wanted to their words. “No, no” they would cry, “we meant this.” Odd that they will not apply the same courtesy and standard to the Book they profess to follow.
God has made it abundantly clear what He wants from His children and requires of us. The Bible is replete with examples of where God’s children failed to obey Him fully, or obey Him at all, and the terrible consequences that came as a result of not obeying Him fully – yet we in our arrogance believe that we are somehow immune to the Divine Mandate.
And we wonder why the Church is powerless.
I say requires purposely. God is God and we are not. Scripture says that every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord. Every knee, every tongue. God is worthy of our praise and worship because of who He is and what He has done – even the damned will be forced on the Day of Judgment to admit God’s worth, holiness, and perfect justice.
But the 21st Century Church does not take obeying Him seriously. In so many ways, we have become the church of Pergamos in Revelation 2:12-17, wanting to have God but also wanting to have the world in our midst.
To be obedient to God is to be sold out to God. But to be sold out to anything means that one is completely consumed by that thing, conforming to whatever it is, ridding one’s self of anything that is not that thing. Anyone who has worldly high achievements – athletes, intellectuals – understands that to achieve a great thing, one needs to be obedient to requirements necessary to make that thing possible.
But we, the church, continue to cling to God and the world – sometimes for “good reasons” (we can’t be thought of as extreme, or unloving), or sometimes for the pure pleasure that a lack of obedience brings (I know it’s not necessarily right, but after all, it’s not expressly forbidden and we are supposed to have some fun, right?). And then we wonder why we are not having a bigger impact on our world.
What will it take for the church – which is really ourselves – to begin to obey God completely, fully, as He both requires and deserves? What will it take for us to, as John Piper says, make much of God and nothing of ourselves? Only that kind of obedience is both worthy of the God of the Universe and is the obedience that He says He will reward.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Silence of the Soul
I have been grappling this week with a silence of the soul; more plainly put, a lack of desire to write (or material to do so).
It's interesting in a way I suppose. This has come up from time to time. It almost the anti-writing period - not so much of a writer's block as a lack of inspiration. Which again strikes me as odd, because one would think that this very period of my life would be chock full of insights and material to write about.
Perhaps in one sense, it's merely a sense of grief. We were notified via e-mail that my former employer is officially defunct. It's very sad - and as at least one person noted, very quick: essentially within a one month period, the company went from fully functioning two trials to everyone either gone or recognizing they were being laid off.
In another sense, perhaps a feeling of futility. I've blogged on this before, but the reality is there is very little I can directly do to secure a job. It takes time and patience. One can search everyday, follow up where possible, hone one's CV and interviewing skills - and then sit until notification occurs. Perhaps in a real way that futility is bleeding over into other parts of my life as well.
In a third sense, perhaps things aren't fully cooked yet. I keep finding things or am giving things to ponder or think about, leaving me with a sense of being the cusp of some big breakthrough, but not there yet.
So I wait. I ponder. And sometimes, I write about why I can't write.
It's interesting in a way I suppose. This has come up from time to time. It almost the anti-writing period - not so much of a writer's block as a lack of inspiration. Which again strikes me as odd, because one would think that this very period of my life would be chock full of insights and material to write about.
Perhaps in one sense, it's merely a sense of grief. We were notified via e-mail that my former employer is officially defunct. It's very sad - and as at least one person noted, very quick: essentially within a one month period, the company went from fully functioning two trials to everyone either gone or recognizing they were being laid off.
In another sense, perhaps a feeling of futility. I've blogged on this before, but the reality is there is very little I can directly do to secure a job. It takes time and patience. One can search everyday, follow up where possible, hone one's CV and interviewing skills - and then sit until notification occurs. Perhaps in a real way that futility is bleeding over into other parts of my life as well.
In a third sense, perhaps things aren't fully cooked yet. I keep finding things or am giving things to ponder or think about, leaving me with a sense of being the cusp of some big breakthrough, but not there yet.
So I wait. I ponder. And sometimes, I write about why I can't write.
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