Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Inside Outside Upside Down

It occurred to me last night that my inner life (my daydreams, my imagination) and my outer life (the way I am day to day) are two completely separate creatures - and therein lies the problem.

I know, I know - much of what passes for my inner life is in places, times, and situations that can never occur (the chances of me being a starship captain now - very small). But it is the person I am in those dreams versus the person I seem to be that is the question, and is the difference.

My inner life, as I thought about it, is not only the product of my imagination, but a reaction to how I feel I am perceived to those around me. Inside, I am a commander, a leader, competent, admired, a "lion" if you will; outside, I feel (important word there) that I'm a cog, a follower, of little import and little regard, using humor to lead.

These two need to be reconciled, as I would propose that one cannot move forward or succeed on some levels in life without this integration.

Why am I here? I think it's because I fell into the trap of allowing myself to think of myself as a follower rather than a leader, to the point that when I got an opportunity to lead, I completely shut down. Also, I had a rough go with a mentor where I thought I was being mentored to lead only to hear that "You're not", but then being told that on the whole we should all aspire to be leaders. Tack onto that some experiences through high school (ah, those bucolic high school years) of finding your always in the support staff but never in the leading role - and suddenly, I get where some of this comes from.

It's the same motivator as those that get caught up in any sort of games, be they role playing or MMORPG or X-Box: The opportunity to be something you're not and something that you will never be.

So fine. How do I fix it? - because there's a lot I like about that guy inside. His poise, his confidence, his ability to make decisions, his competence - something that the guy on the outside often seems to lack. How do I get these two together?

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