Friday, June 28, 2013


Where did you come from,
a tsunami of emotions?

I did not expect to see you here:
I thought that I had safely confined you to a lake bed or canal,
a calm and soothing presence slowly moving,
reflecting the wind.

Now suddenly you are not confined to the place I put you
but have struck out,
tearing the carefully groomed grounds of my life
and washing them away.

My carefully made paths with crushed granite
are now dirt and rock.
The bamboo like green arrows in the quiver of the earth
is now broken and askew,
leaves trailing like broken feathers.
All that seemed carefully controlled
is not.

Only the stones,
grounded in the earth,
speak of permanence.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Sense of Honor

Once upon a time I was consumed with the concept of honor.

It arose out of a study of medieval times and knights and the literature of the High Middle Ages, of courtly love and jousts and deeds of justice.  I tried to hold myself to such a code -hard for a young man with no culture of such around him.  Eventually, I suppose, the passion cooled and I started to "get on" with life as so many others have done.

And now I find myself re-examining the concept as a living, breathing core of my life.

Why?  One is simply the fact that in the world we live in, a sense of honor is something that is seldom seen.  To be honorable, to seek to live and act honorably can actually be seen as being counter cultural as it is rare.

A second reason is that we need people in this time and age who are people of honor.  It does not matter where you are from, what you do, or who you are: the temptations to act dishonorably in an age where the art of "looking after myself" is the modus operandi of so many individuals, which then affects institutions, which then affect nations.

A final reason is simply personal.  A sense of honor is something that gives one a sense of buffering against the vicissitudes  of the world.  It is both the rod that strengthens the inner man by doing right because it is right and the shield that protects the outer man by knowing what one is doing is right when all others think it foolish, antiquated, or obfuscatory.

The boy has become a man, and that sense of honor - of living to a higher standard and purpose - is still there.  It need only have the breezes of thought and action breathed upon it to burst again into translucent flame.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Physical Body of Confidence

I have been working through mind/body associations for the last few days.

I am hardly what one would call a massively built individual.  My interest in sports beyond what I had to do in high school really only starts since our relocation:  first running, then Iaido, and now the Highland Games with the associated weight training.

Certainly my health is better as a result of this, I am in better shape because of this, and (injecting a little bit of vanity) I look as good as I have in some years.  But what I have noticed over this time is I am still carrying myself as if none of these things were true.

I had not really given this a lot of thought before the Highland Games this weekend, where I am surrounded by men in my division who (almost inevitably) larger and heavier than I.  What I realized first of all is that I carry myself differently from them; the second thing I realized was I was the only one who was doing that to myself.

I (and probably most of human history) has associated large and powerful with confident and powerful.  It is not always true of course, but the association is there.  I have never thought of myself in that category at all.  But then I began to wonder:  is it really something random, or is can it be a manifestation from the outside in?  Not all that are confident and powerful carry themselves and strong and not all the strong are confident and powerful.

But for the purpose of this meditation, I am concerned about myself.

How I look on the outside does, at some level, reflect how I feel about myself on the inside:  "Clothes", says Bernhard Roetzel, "are the visiting card of the personality, and should therefore be chosen to match it."  We portray outside how we feel about ourselves on the outside. 

But it is not just clothes, I am coming to realize.  It is the very nature of our health and our bodies that give the same information.

Is our health 100% in our control?  Of course not.  I have had friends and family struck down by cancer, by heart attacks, by rare diseases that less than 50 people living have.  And age, like it or not, comes to us all. 

But even within those things there are elements that we can control.  If we have a genetic predisposition to diabetes (as I do) the continued consumption of food as if I did not is probably not the greatest idea.  If I know that any level of cardiovascular and weight training is better than none at all, best that I should do something.

Yet it is is more.  It is more than meeting the minimum.  Throwing in the Highland Games has been a wonderful experience in so many ways - not just for the experience and the camaraderie, but the very real sense that throwing puts me in a class of athletes known for their strength and power.  Admittedly I am on the lowest rung of that ladder, but I am still on the ladder.

I am trying - when I now look into the mirror - to carry myself not as I have before, sort of slumped down and small, but taller and more proud.  I lift my shoulders and suddenly I am amazed at the difference.  The man staring back at me in the mirror is not one I necessarily recognize.

And that is good - because what I see of that man, willing to go throw and compete with others and be confident in his ability and his right to be out of the field, is something I want more of in whole life.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Different Problems, Same Root

How much are we willing to look at our failures of character and realize that although they manifest themselves in different ways and perhaps even seem different to us they are in fact merely the fruit of a far deeper root?

This thought jarred my last night as I was meandering through my thoughts, taking two seeming different items and linking them together.  What I realized as examined these two thoughts is that they simply sprang from the root of a much more buried item than what I had anticipated.

Why had I never realized this before?  Was it simply blindness on my part?  Was it a willing blindness which I subconsciously rammed into place?  Was it simply that I was simply ignoring what God was presenting in my life and continued to ignore it until, finally frustrated, He simply let me make the discovery in my own painful way?

It certainly humbles one when this is the case.  One's sophistication and a deep analysis of the multiplicity of minor flaws is swept away by the sudden realization that one's issues are not the deep and multi-faceted issues worthy of significant consideration but simply the same simple items manifested in different ways

One has to move beyond this of course if any progress is to be made.  One lets go of the concept that the issues are truly different - good.  One adapts to the idea that they have a common root - better.  But then one deals with them.

There is good news in this too, of course - if there are only a few problems, then dealing with them directly can address a multitude of the issues we face with ourselves.  That is very good news even if it does not seem like it - it means the time we spend dealing with these things can give us the greatest return for our effort, the best return on the personal investment of time and energy.

But the dealing can come in time. The first step - perhaps not the most difficult one but surely one of great difficulty - is the simple acknowledgement that most of our problems and sins are founded in a very few types of basic things which, manifested in different ways, are the root cause of our issues.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Carefully Contrived Fantasies

Fantasies are strange things.

They are the creation solely of our mind yet the act and breathe with the solidity of reality itself.  They have no power but what we give them yet them can be overpowering.  They exist when nothing has actually occurred yet every detail can be recounted precisely.

But fantasies are strange for another reason:  they exist and thrive only in the atmosphere of our minds.  Exposed to the open air of reality they too often fall apart, popping instantly into the "moonbeams and ash" of which all dreams are made of, collapsing into a large cloud which dissipates into the wind.

How do I deal with them?  I ask because so much of my own inner life is based on fantasy without any mooring in reality.  I have experienced exposing enough fantasies to know how quickly they can dissolve - so my solution is to keep them carefully locked up away in my mind.  Every time I try and bring them out and the hint of reality starts to shake their framework I immediately push them back, knowing all too well with the pain of experience what is about to occur:  standing with both hands open, looking at a sparkling cloud of dreams drift into the wind.  And so I live with my fantasies, locked away in the recesses of my mind like a series of old exhibits not on display, stored in a museum warehouse waiting to be brought out.

So what then do I do with these fantasies?  Can such things  be brought into the light of day?  Can such a thing even be done given the nature of their existence?  Or is there any point in even try, to risk bringing all out only to find that in one fell swoop a huge swath of my mind - indeed, my life - is left empty?  There is such power in them, such imagination, such energy that that would add so much to my life if only I could harness it and use it.  The question is, how do I do that without destroying such a fragile construct?

Because I have known reality without fantasy.  It is a cold, grey place devoid of hope.

Friday, June 21, 2013


Am I ruthless enough?

Oh, of course not with other people or things.  I am the guy that walks spiders to the door instead of crushing them whenever possible.  In personal relationships I am more likely not to say something because it might be misinterpreted or may hurt someone than I am to say it.

No, I mean with myself.

Am I ruthless with what is true and right?  Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up in front of others to veil the truth from them?  Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up to veil the truth from myself?  Am I unwilling to speak the truth to myself so that I can hear it (and by hearing, be forced to act) rather than whisper sweet words into my own ear that may make me content but do not institute change in my life.

Be clear that I am not talking about those sorts of self talk that are wrong, the sort of speech that tears one down or constantly seeks to keep one as a small blot on the sidewalk of life.  That is not ruthlessness - that is depression or self deprecation or some third thing that does not accomplish the purpose I am seeking.

Perhaps some may think that I am unusually crazy or even mad for the end of the week.  After all, ruthlessness is not a quality that we typically encourage in ourselves or others.  And used on others it can be a terrible thing that destroys life.

But I wonder if in fact ruthlessness does not reflect Yagyu Munenor's concept of The Life Giving Sword, that the sword can give both death (by killing) and life (by killing those who would harm others).  Ruthlessness - when properly exercised on ourselves - can tear down the veils and illusions we keep in place.  It can quickly cut to the heart of the matter.  It can show us for what we really are and allow us to honestly and truly consider what we need to be to move towards any goal or objective we have identified for ourselves. 

It can tear away the comfortable facades that we love to keep in place to preserve our sense of dignity when such facades only enable us to preserve bad behavior and poor decisions.

Am I ruthless enough with myself?  Probably not.  But if I want to see more growth, I need to prepare to become more uncomfortable with an accurate and penetrating critic:  myself.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


I know that I have written on powerlessness before.  I do not know that I had considered it to be the curse and the demotivator that I find it to be.

Powerlessness strips one of so much. It strips one of the sense of being able to make an impact - if one can be overruled at any time and any stage, one's efforts become meaningless.  It also strips one of drive: the ability to not choose (or at least find yourself enmeshed in previous choices) leaves one with the sense of marching on in a landscape that has no hope of changing.

But the biggest thing that powerlessness (or I suppose let us be fair:  perceived powerlessness) has done for me is thrust my dreams into the outer walls of the night.

There are days that I wake up - such as today - where the sense is that I have very little choice or influence ahead of me. I will go and do my various roles as is required of me.  I can almost map out my entire day and evening before I rise from this chair.

I know, I know.  You do not "have to"  do anything.  "That's loser talk" some will say. You always have a choice.  But if the choice is to create uncertainty and discomfort around you, that hardy qualifies as a legitimate choice.

So if I were to put a positive spin on this, my question would be "How do I regain my power to choose and influence?"  If I could understand that, if I could find a way to reverse the process and begin to reclaim control over my life - not perceived control but real control - ah, that would be the thing that makes the sepia of my existence burst into color.

There is a way - I am sure of it.  I need to ponder and think on it and then do it - before the sepia that is my life fades to black.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


The older I get the more I realize the concept of support from others is underrated.

Do not misunderstand me.  By "support" I do not mean the concept of "It takes a village to do anything".  Communal effort is necessary and we do rely on others frequently for direct and indirect assistance, but in the end things are only done when someone - one person - does one thing.

What I mean by support is the underlying belief from others that you are able to do something, that at your core you are capable.  Capable of what?  Of the things that you are thinking to do.

Why is this so critical?  The first reason is simply because the world and society in general seeks to tear things down rather than support.  The Japanese adage "The nail that sticks up is hammered down" is bitterly amusing because it is true.  Most people will spend more energy tearing something down to their level rather than supporting someone that is trying to get to a new level.  As someone who is trying do anything, we need all the support we can muster.

The second reason is that such belief can inspire and motivate us even when we cannot motivate ourselves.  One of the best quotes I have found in 2013 is "If you believe in someone, even more than they believe in themselves, they will do anything to succeed" by Jessica Fagnan.  This belief in others - especially when they have lost confidence in themselves - is often enough to move them through the period of doubt and dismay and sustain them until they are able to rekindle the spirit themselves.

Interestingly, from the standpoint of human relations there is probably no better way for an individual to become a friend or dear one of another than becoming an ardent supporter of their actions.  Why?  I believe it is because we gravitate towards those who do such things as we recognize instinctively that such support is incredibly rare and that if we are to achieve anything, we will need such people.

Money passes, distances intervene, passions cool, circumstances occur - but the one who supports another in their endeavors will always in the end have great value.  Why?  Because in the face of a world that seeks to make everything uniform, one had someone who held one up in one's quest to be unique and one who accomplishes instead of one who merely carries on.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Missing A Link

There is a disconnect in my life between that which I seek to do and that which I seem capable of.

The manifestation of this occurs virtually every Monday.  When I leave for work coming off the weekend I feel enlivened and in charge of my life.  I have high hopes for what I will accomplish in the week and the direction that I am going to go.  When I return I am, more often that not bludgeoned into the ground by the seeming realities of my actual life.  By the time bed is reached I am no better than where I was the Friday before:  accepting the fact that for all of my dreaming and wishes, such a life is not for me.

In his book Coach Yourself To Win, Howard Guttman wants the reader to start with one intention, one thing which they deeply desire to change.  It can be anything that one wants - as significant as a career change or as simple as learning to cook - but it has to be something that is important to you, important enough that you will commit your intentions to do it.

But how does one commit to change an entire life?

This is the key I am missing.  I am not quite sure what to call it.  Is it having a vision?  Is it having drive?  Or is it some other thing, something that I cannot even see from where I am right now?

I really wish I knew.  All I do know is that I seem to be trapped on an endless loop, constantly coming back to the place I was before without any real sense of how to dismount and get on with things.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Friday, June 14, 2013

Choices and Change II

Choices or Change.  This thought simmered in my thoughts all day after I wrote it.

Am I lover of change?  If you looked at my history, you would say yes.  My average stay at a job since my first job is approximately 24 months.  Prior to (more or less) the last two jobs, I regular switched jobs.  And my interests?  They wander from here to there, as a butterfly landing and then flying off.  My bookshelves, were you to look at them, would seem a disorganized collection of subjects and topics - reflecting my interests and their morphing.  Yet ironically, I would not define myself as someone who likes or enjoys change.  In many other ways I prefer the known to the unknown, the scheduled to the free fall, the older to the newer. 

If I love change, why?  This is probably the real question worth asking.  Figure out why I love change so much and that will tell me why I do what I do, why I am unhappy with what I am unhappy with, and how to figure my way out.

Why understand it?  Because if not, I begin to start trying changes for the sake of changes. I start looking at jobs in locations I probably should not.  I suddenly start coming up with new lines of study when I barely have time for the lines of study that I am currently undertaking.  In other words if it is not channeled, it begins to become destructive.

Which is a little bit frightening.  Because if I am doing it just to do it, it is an instinctual thing which is very powerful indeed.  Power can be good of course when it is properly managed - when not, it becomes a very destructive element.

Why then do I love change?  Or perhaps the better question is, Why then do I feel I must have change?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Choices or Change

"Choices?  There seem to be none.  The only impacts I could make on my life at the moment seem to be ones which would be harmful - suddenly quitting my job for example, or randomly deciding to break relationships."  I wrote that yesterday, scarcely thinking it was a terribly significant thought as I penned it - but it haunted me through the rest of the day.

I would like to say the reality is true: the only choices I feel can make are harmful ones.  But why is that?  Surely if I give it a moment's thought it cannot be true.

One point is that the choices listed above are "easy":  there is no work really involved, just the process of making a decision and executing it.  A "positive" decision, such as starting a business or looking for a new job or going back to school, is much more than just a decision:  it is weeks, months, years of working towards something.  In the short term, nothing would most likely change.

Another point is that such choices are very self centered:  the immediate impact is on me.  That cleverly fails to recognize that there are other people involved (my family might have one or two things to say about suddenly quitting).  The "positive" choices involve the realities of human relationships:  how will we pay for things while you are unemployed or not making a salary, this sort of thing.

But if this is so - if the harder and more difficult choices are the ones which are ultimately the more positive - how do I realistically begin to make those?   I can randomly speak of doing different things, but every time I actually try and execute on one of them real life gets in the way.  A simple example might simply be going back to school to get a new degree:  for me that would be either a 4-6 year run or I would need to drop out and focus.  Either option, in my current environment of employment and family needs, seems very difficult to contemplate:  What do we not eat and what do we not do to fund an education?  What part of time do I steal from my family to make the classes work?

Perhaps maybe it is not choices I am so desperate for as for change:  a change in circumstances, a change in life.  By my definition changes are quite easy to make - and looking at my job history, fairly frequent.  But has every change been for the better?  Almost all change has some aspect of positive associated with it, but in fact not all changes are positive.

Which I suppose gives me something else to ponder: If it is change I want and not necessarily a choice, how do I move towards that change?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Thoughts on Choices and Powerlessness

One of those mornings where I have not the slightest idea what should write about.

I find myself buried in conflicting emotions:  feelings of anger, feelings of being trapped, feelings of powerlessness.  My life feels like - at least today - a cage that no matter how hard I try I cannot break out of.

The realization that no matter what I do in certain aspects of my life has had a debilitating effect.  I was taught and trained that hard work in pursuit of a goal pays off.  Now I am confronted with the fact that hard work in pursuit of a goal can, in fact, produce nothing - but the hard work is still expected.

Have I truly reached my shelf life - not in terms of expiration but in terms of significant change or advancement anywhere in my life?

I guess I kept hoping that there was a catalyst, that something that I would do would trigger the series of changes in my life.  There is no catalyst that I can now see - it is as if life in general is retreating from the edges of my own life, leaving a gap which cannot now be bridged.

The sense of powerlessness is bothersome as well.  My ability to make decisions or impacts on my own life seems to limited, if not gone. My ability to be the agent of determining some aspect of my destiny is stripped away, leaving only the ruts and paths of everyday life to be followed.

Choices?  There seem to be none.  The only impacts I could make on my life at the moment seem to be ones which would be harmful - suddenly quitting my job for example, or randomly deciding to break relationships.  Nothing good, nothing forward looking, nothing involving make a choice for the better.

Is this the end result of a life lived "by the rules"?  A cage of choices and tasks that responsible people do which deprives us of any ability to do anything else?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Self Confidence

Is self confidence possible without a vision?

This is the problem that brought itself to my mind yesterday as I trudged through another day.  At the end of it, having accomplished much of what I wanted to do but not everything and looking forward to another day exactly the same, I suddenly felt abandoned by any sense of forward motion.

Self confidence is the life blood of success - without it, one cannot keep at the day to day activities required in the pursuit of a greater goal.  One deeply has to believe in what one is trying to do and that one has the ability to do them in order to put one's self through the required activities necessarily to accomplish anything of value.

But is this self confidence possible without a vision?

I will be the first to admit that even on a good day I have problems with self confidence.  I may acknowledge myself as skillful and even adequate, but the believe that I am capable to do much of what needs to be done often eludes me.  I do not have a singular cause to pin this on - I do tend to be very goal oriented so that is an issue of course, and struggling through the realization that I am much more of a loyal lieutenant than a true leader can create the conception that I am not competent (although the world is in need of loyal lieutenants as much as true leaders).

But I lack a vision.

If you asked me what I could see myself doing I could give you a host of imagined possibilities - a shepherd, an author, a teacher of swordsmanship, a cheese maker, a vintner, a farmer.  But if you asked me what I truly believed is possible in my life, I would simply sit there and stare at you blankly, start to speak once or twice, and then simply shake my head and say "I can't imagine anything."  There is no vision, only the sense that today and tomorrow and the tomorrow after that will be exactly like yesterday was.

When your vision is simply a long landscape of what has already been and seeing no change to that future, the concept of self confidence becomes elusive - self confidence for what?  To what end?

How do I resolve this?  I am not really sure.   Merely trying to gin up more confidence does not seem to get the job done because it is almost artificially generated and so there is no sustaining mechanism to keep it going.  And my situation is so much of my life, while stable, is hardly the sort of situation that encourages a vision of an achievable future, let alone one I would much more like to be in.

But perhaps I have finally identified the problem.  The question is:  What do I do about it?

Monday, June 10, 2013


As I was getting ready to switch over from my main blog page to writing, I saw the title from my last entry:  "Reality and Attitude".  Just as the page disappeared, a word came into my head:  Realtitude.  It was, of course, immediately followed by a definition:

"Realtitude (n):  The attitude of dealing with reality as we find it, not as we wish to find it."

Life is a a constant challenge to deal with as we find it.  Does this mean that we cannot change life as we find it?  Not at all - every person that has ever met with success done this.  But in the creation of their new reality (which is really what one does when one succeeds), one has to start where one is and with the tools that one has in hand. 

In other words, we must face life with realtitude.

Without acknowledging life as it is (but not necessarily accepting that reality) we cripple ourselves from moving forward in the very beginning.  It is one thing to begin climbing a long stair; it is another thing to try to climb a stair when the first four feet are missing but we pretend that they are not.

Realtitude is acknowledging that I am where I am by the choices I have made.  It is acknowledging that if I want to do something different, I have to pay the price.  It is coming to grips with the fact that life can be much more like what I want, but it is simply not that way at the present time - and no sense of wishing it better will change it.

Realtitude is not the same as optimism - or pessimism, for that matter.  Each of these proposes an outlook on life and its circumstances.  Realtitude merely seeks to establish that the circumstances one is in is really the circumstances one is in.  From there, one can begin to map out the process of growth and moving forward from the reality we are in, not the reality we wish we were in.

Get real with reality.  Get Realtitude.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Reality and Attitude

Reality can be a debilitating thing.

My return to the world of labor has been less spectacular than I had hoped.  I suppose I thought that I would come back in re-energized, ready to see things through to their conclusion.  Have recharged my mind and batteries I would return ready and able to begin the process of productiveness where I had left it before I went away.

But reality can be a debilitating thing.

There is nothing less motivating than a return to a mailbox that is full and projects which - in your absence - failed to move forward at all.  And oh yes - the other small things that you also left on your plate as you left?  They, too, had nothing done on them as well.

Suddenly you begin to look at the effort that you put in prior to vacation:  was it truly worth it?  You put the effort in to free yourself from the chains of concern for a brief time, yet the chains had just gone slack rather than been cut. 

It drains your future efforts as well: where is the point of continuing to pour effort and time - really, pour in your life - to a thing which is less like a garden which is growing and more like a black hole which devours everything and leaves nothing in its wake.  Your incentive to truly do more is left behind as your working self - the zombie-like apparition that commutes and walks through the door - goes about its daily tasks.

Is this resolvable?  I am not quite sure.  I am certain a small part of this remains due to the inevitable post vacation blues.  The rest?  I am not sure.  My attitude is my own, to be sure - but the reality that I work in seems very much to not in my control.

Can attitude overcome reality as it exists?  Certainly - there are too many examples to say otherwise.  But these are always because the attitude of the individual is put towards something greater than the current reality, some great hope or dream that is sought?

Can the same be done when that which is not greater is present?  That remains to be seen.

Thursday, June 06, 2013


It all seems to come back to writing.

It does not matter what other ideas I come up with, what other plans I try to make, what other things I think I want to do:  in the end, I come back to writing as the vehicle for doing what I want to do.

It seems ludicrous on the face of it, of course:  I am not a well known writer by any stretch of the imagination.  My books - such as they are - have made the best seller lists of precisely no-one. My blogs scattered here and there through interest seem to generate occasional interest, but nothing that would give any indication that this is the sort of career I can do.

But I must temper that with the other realities as well.  While I have not sold a million books, I have sold 30 to date in less than a year - 30 which would have never been sold had I never tried.  My blogs - especially this one, but others as well - continue to show modest growth over time as I continue to work on them. 

The ideas are still there and are still coming.  I am still learning, of course - dragging myself into the frame of mind where I enjoy editing, which has always been a chore to me, has proven to be difficult.  But I had the experience yesterday of working on editing and suddenly having an epiphany that what I was doing really was adding value to what I had written before.  There was a sense of improvement.

The greatest sense of possibility I have comes when I write.  Writing requires no equipment except a computer, no investment save time and energy - which is a bit misleading, since the time and energy come from the same pool as everything else that is going on in my life.

I must, however, be honest with myself:  there is limited time left in my days and in my life.  Investing it wisely is a trust that I have been given.  I must go with that which provides me the greatest joy, the greatest reward, the greatest sense of contributing to the world through the growth and (hopefully) the assistance of others to see things and consider things they had not previously done.

And that, it seems, all comes back to writing.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

The Providence of God: House Edition

Yesterday we finally closed on a house - it has been 14 months since we started the process.  We initially found ourselves ready but unable to proceed due to leftover business which pushed us off until January of this year, when we suddenly were launched into a competitive housing market.

And yet, through this entire process, I can see the hand of God:

1)  We were blessed with both a realtor and a mortgage lender who, when they found out we were not an immediate payoff, were none the less willing to work with us - and wait with us - until we could move forward.

2)  When we could re-enter the housing market, rates were even lower than they were when we first started looking.

3)  For the house that we settled on, we were the very first people to walk through the house.  It had been on the market for two hours - and fortuitously I had the day off, so I could look at it. We were also blessed (again) by a tenacious realtor who made sure (on Easter Eve, of all things) that our offer was considered.

4)  Due to our situation, we do not have a definitive move date.  This worked well for the sellers, as they had a need to remain in the house for a while.

5)  Not only were rates low (they have gone up a half point since we locked), but we locked on the precise day that the rebate was the greatest.

6)  We were originally supposed to close on 30 May, but were delayed until 04 June.  Initially this bothered me - until, by the work of our mortgage broker, we were able to delay paying our first mortgage payment until August 2013, which means we will have a very short overlap of paying two mortgages.

There are always those times where I wonder if we did the right thing, if we are where God intended us to be.  Things like this occur, and suddenly it becomes quite evident that we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Changes Beneath The Surface

We hit a sort of dividing line this past week, one of those things about which you get a hint of having a lasting impact on your life but which you can currently only see the hints of the outlines at the time.

Nighean Gheal graduated from 8th grade last week.  It means a host of of things - a new school, a realigning of interests and activities, even a sense that college is not too far distant in the future.  A sense of passing is here, a sense I cannot fully understand.

We are also buying a house - theoretically today.  It is interesting in that it feels different than the two previous house purchases we had undertaken.  The first was the stage of happiness:  "Hey, we're buying a house!".  The second, purchased during the time of The Firm, had the sense of "Hey, we're  buying the house that we want!".  This one has much more of the sense of doing something because it is the sensible thing to do less than with an input of this being a life changing or life enhancing event.

My parents were out to visit this week as well.  Their visit gave me an opportunity to put a temporary hold on virtually every activity that I have been doing lately.  Besides the general sense of letting my body recover (for which it is extremely grateful), it has opened a series of questions for me:  Why am I doing what I am doing?  Should I still be doing it?  Are my beliefs and assumptions about life the correct ones - or do I need to re-examine those as well and from there consider what I need to be doing now?

All of this is swirling around, even as I "enjoy" the last day of my vacation before I go back. 

It nags at my conscious.  It plays at the back of my mind.  It is the sense that things are moving under the surface of my life - and that, soon enough, they will reveal themselves.