Direction

So I've had that "God wants to talk to me" feeling twice within the space of a week. No, not the "I'm hearing God talk to me audibly" or "I had a vision involving avocados and shrimp and I'm sure it was a vision" - just a sort of nudging in the soul, a "Go pray and read - I want to interact with you" - which is, I think, the way it is supposed to work.

It's amazing how easy it is to shove that feeling away - I managed to do it for two hours this morning, buried beneath job searches - looking for the perfect time, yet pretending that somehow my frame of mind after a fruitless search will be as good as starting my search after speaking with the Creator of the universe. Funny how I try to convince myself of the impossible.

I did a combination of things: read 1 Corinthians, underlying commands of Paul for the Christian, read a chapter or two in Created to be God's Friend by Henry Blackaby and a chapter or two of Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. It was all good, but it left me more frustrated than ever. Why? Because I still can't discern what God wants me to do.

I crave direction. I'm in an unusual position at the moment: looking for employment, wondering what to look for and where to look. I don't feel any "sense" that I should move (our church is excellent, I love Na Clann's school, and we're relatively close to family), but at the same time nothing seems to be moving forward here. I've read conflicting opinions about the "Open Door" policy of God - a telling comment by Blackaby that I read today was "We are free to choose - but we must live with the consequences of our choice." For me, a person who doesn't like making decisions anyway, this is almost an absolution - except that by making no choice, of course, we choose.

Proverbs 3:5-8 came to mind as I drifted off to sleep last night:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own insights.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will direct your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will bring healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones."

Notice my part: Trust in the Lord with all my heart, don't rely on my own insights, acknowledge Him in all my ways, don't be wise in my own estimation, Fear God, turn away from evil. His part: He will direct my paths resulting in healing and refreshment.

Seems easy, but oh how hard. The line that stuck with me as I drifted to bed last night was "Do not rely on your own insights." How often have I followed my insights, or disguised an "answer" from God as merely an acknowledgment of a circumstance I set up in my mind knowing it could be met (a very low hurdle). How often I rely on me: God gave me a brain, I'm to use it. Notice also that intelligence or common sense is not addressed: the focus is on God, and looking to Him for guidance.

Which presupposes that He will give and reveal it - but on His terms and in His timing, not ours.

In who am I trusting? Who's wisdom am I relying on? Who am I acknowledging as my expert and guide?

It amazes me how in the midst of this He continues to drive me to Himself.