I am a man richly blessed with friends.
Over the past two days, I have had deep and thought provoking conversations with Bogha Frois, An Polleaneach, and An Quebecois about success, succeeding, and how that applies to my life and what I am doing.
I don't know that I have fully apprehended all that has been said to me - other than I know that I am close, closer than I have been in a very long time.
The two, somewhat intertwined paths are:
1) What does success really mean?
2) What does it take to reach that success?
3) (I lied) What does that mean to my life?
I freely admit that part of my definition, probably true of most men, is tied to financial means. It's an easy way to measure it (I have X, I used to have W, I am moving towards Y) and is often the most immediately noticeable - as Moliere said, "There's no praise to beat the sort you can put in your pocket". Also, given the experience of The Firm, I am not happy when our finances are so close to edge, as they feel to me to be and as the Market has been daily reminding me.
But it is certainly not the best measure, and not the only one. As An Quebecois pointed out to me, you can succeed at business and handily fail at the important things in life - God, Family, doing what your supposed to be doing (which money may only be facilitating by paying your way).
As to the price of success, generally it seems to always rated as worth it by those that succeed, but I wonder. An article, which was the genesis of this discussion, was both carefully questioned by An Polleaneach and An Quebecois, is what the author paid to reach it. It is seemingly apparent to me that the cost of success only truly becomes apparent later in life (perhaps in eternity?) when the outcome of the actions we put in motion have played themselves out.
Which kind of makes a question of value, doesn't it? And we how we assess the value of everything in our life, or perhaps more accurately stated, how well we assess the value of everything in our life.
Maybe that's the key and core and therefore a starting point to consider: success is spending the most time on the things that are truly valuable in your life.
If that's the case, then Bogha Frois's comment of last night is worth considering: You have to make a choice. It can't be anyone making the choice for you, and it doesn't have to be permanent. But you must make a choice on the things that are valuable, and then construct your life in such a way that you support, nurture, and move towards spending more effort and time on these things.
I don't know. But I feel I'm close - closer than I've been in a long time.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Bees and Soccer Balls
My father called tonight. The last bee colony is gone.
He checked, as it looked like there were not a great deal of bees coming out. Sure enough, moths were in the top, and their larvae had chewed up the top deep. He has managed to salvage honey out the bottom deep, and we'll scrape the wax after leaving it well exposed to the sun.
I need to take a class. Something is just not working right - or as my father said, "This is some of the most expensive honey ever."
While poking around online tonight for classes and information on the wax moth (which, by the way, is a native of Asia and can be deterred by a strong hive), the thought occurred to me "Oh well, here we go again." Another thing, started, perhaps done half well, and failed. To some extent, the story of my life.
It makes me think that there is something beneath the something here. It's more than just bees failing, or not following through with my writing, or my gardens that never get quite as grand as I dream them.
It's follow through.
I was reminded of this this weekend as I watched my niece's soccer game (8 years old). The girls would kick the ball, but then would just stand there or watch it go or not kick it again when the opposing team blocked it. "Follow Through" I screamed at the top of my lungs, probably confusing most of the other parents (Who's the guy yelling at my kid) and getting ignored by 8 year old soccer players.
But it occurred to me then, and occurs to me now, that I was yelling at myself.
I have always feared to make choices, to choose one activity over another, because I thought I would limit my choices. Is it limiting my choices, or is it my fear that I could not complete something competently?
There's a hint in my life - I would do something until something went wrong or I failed, and then I don't want to do the thing anymore - it's like I never did it in the first place. Rather than pick up at the point of a failure and move on, I pretend it never happened and move on.
No follow through. Soccer balls flying back at me as I stare stupidly at them.
So now's as good a time as any to start making choices. I can't do everything I will ever want to do. I need to commit - if I want to do something, I will do it until I succeed.
That means being humble enough to admit I don't know everything and being willing to learn. It means being committed enough to keep pushing through, even when I do fail or get discouraged.
It means kicking the ball when it comes back at you. Twice, if you have to.
He checked, as it looked like there were not a great deal of bees coming out. Sure enough, moths were in the top, and their larvae had chewed up the top deep. He has managed to salvage honey out the bottom deep, and we'll scrape the wax after leaving it well exposed to the sun.
I need to take a class. Something is just not working right - or as my father said, "This is some of the most expensive honey ever."
While poking around online tonight for classes and information on the wax moth (which, by the way, is a native of Asia and can be deterred by a strong hive), the thought occurred to me "Oh well, here we go again." Another thing, started, perhaps done half well, and failed. To some extent, the story of my life.
It makes me think that there is something beneath the something here. It's more than just bees failing, or not following through with my writing, or my gardens that never get quite as grand as I dream them.
It's follow through.
I was reminded of this this weekend as I watched my niece's soccer game (8 years old). The girls would kick the ball, but then would just stand there or watch it go or not kick it again when the opposing team blocked it. "Follow Through" I screamed at the top of my lungs, probably confusing most of the other parents (Who's the guy yelling at my kid) and getting ignored by 8 year old soccer players.
But it occurred to me then, and occurs to me now, that I was yelling at myself.
I have always feared to make choices, to choose one activity over another, because I thought I would limit my choices. Is it limiting my choices, or is it my fear that I could not complete something competently?
There's a hint in my life - I would do something until something went wrong or I failed, and then I don't want to do the thing anymore - it's like I never did it in the first place. Rather than pick up at the point of a failure and move on, I pretend it never happened and move on.
No follow through. Soccer balls flying back at me as I stare stupidly at them.
So now's as good a time as any to start making choices. I can't do everything I will ever want to do. I need to commit - if I want to do something, I will do it until I succeed.
That means being humble enough to admit I don't know everything and being willing to learn. It means being committed enough to keep pushing through, even when I do fail or get discouraged.
It means kicking the ball when it comes back at you. Twice, if you have to.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Weight of the Dead
I have come to realize that much of the baggage that we carry around, the things we subject ourselves to, the things we think we should be feeling, are given to us by those who are either years gone from our lives or dead.
If I look in my own life, at behaviors I have, of things that I do in reaction to stimuli that occur, I realize that in many cases I am doing them to please (or avoid) a reaction that occurred long ago - or worse, I am doing it on behalf of someone else, either not physically present (and hasn't been for years) or dead.
An example: I am not a person that enjoys confrontation - to the point that I will not confront even in matters that need to be confronted about. Why? Because in confrontations, I feel that they are attacking me, not the concept or idea I am confronting. Where did this come from? I don't really know. However, like much of the the other things we bear, it can become crippling.
I read somewhere (honestly, I think it was in a scifi/fantasy book from a Dwarf) that "You cannot bear the weight of the dead" meaning that one cannot carry the past of others with us. If anyone suggested that we carry around the bodies of those that had died, what a strange proposition that would be: backs bent beneath rotting corpses, as we drag them around on our daily rounds. Yet non-corporally, this is exactly what we do.
As Christians I think this can be especially difficult, as we have our new life in Christ to live, yet at the same time we are carrying about in this body of sin, with its desire and passions - which, though crucified and dead, can still rise up to tempt us. Have you ever committed a sin, even though it was not really pleasurable, simply on the strength of memories of how good it used to feel to engage in wrath, immorality, drunkenness, or gossip? Are you pleasing a master which no longer has power? In another way, you are bearing the weight of the dead.
The problem is, the dead don't - and can't- forgive. Only the living Christ offers that. And the dead, being non-communicative, can be harsh and driving taskmasters, much like sin, because you can never please them - or it.
What attitudes, opinions, and reactions are you engaging in today that are a result of someone or something that is no longer relevant? How long will you bear the weight of the dead?
If I look in my own life, at behaviors I have, of things that I do in reaction to stimuli that occur, I realize that in many cases I am doing them to please (or avoid) a reaction that occurred long ago - or worse, I am doing it on behalf of someone else, either not physically present (and hasn't been for years) or dead.
An example: I am not a person that enjoys confrontation - to the point that I will not confront even in matters that need to be confronted about. Why? Because in confrontations, I feel that they are attacking me, not the concept or idea I am confronting. Where did this come from? I don't really know. However, like much of the the other things we bear, it can become crippling.
I read somewhere (honestly, I think it was in a scifi/fantasy book from a Dwarf) that "You cannot bear the weight of the dead" meaning that one cannot carry the past of others with us. If anyone suggested that we carry around the bodies of those that had died, what a strange proposition that would be: backs bent beneath rotting corpses, as we drag them around on our daily rounds. Yet non-corporally, this is exactly what we do.
As Christians I think this can be especially difficult, as we have our new life in Christ to live, yet at the same time we are carrying about in this body of sin, with its desire and passions - which, though crucified and dead, can still rise up to tempt us. Have you ever committed a sin, even though it was not really pleasurable, simply on the strength of memories of how good it used to feel to engage in wrath, immorality, drunkenness, or gossip? Are you pleasing a master which no longer has power? In another way, you are bearing the weight of the dead.
The problem is, the dead don't - and can't- forgive. Only the living Christ offers that. And the dead, being non-communicative, can be harsh and driving taskmasters, much like sin, because you can never please them - or it.
What attitudes, opinions, and reactions are you engaging in today that are a result of someone or something that is no longer relevant? How long will you bear the weight of the dead?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Great Uncertainty
So today, we had our call with our government agency. I was not in the call, so I had the privilege and opportunity of reading people's faces without knowing the outcome.
The result: Not good.
We essentially (apparently) capitulated to the agency, moving the timeline for our development project out considerably - to the point that the "Big Orange Line" starts to precipitously dip towards zero. In fact, by the time the data is in, we may be considerably beyond that line.
Am I upset? No, I'm actually feeling quite clear in my mind. For once, I know precisely where we sit and what the risks are. A wake up call? Absolutely. At worst, without in further income for the company, I could potentially be out of work about Christmas next year.
A goal to work towards. I was heartened this week by Am Polleanach and An Quebecois, who have made significant adjustments in their retirement plans based on the the world around them. Heartened because it always seems rare to find people who get information and then act on it.
I have the information. Now I need to act.
The result: Not good.
We essentially (apparently) capitulated to the agency, moving the timeline for our development project out considerably - to the point that the "Big Orange Line" starts to precipitously dip towards zero. In fact, by the time the data is in, we may be considerably beyond that line.
Am I upset? No, I'm actually feeling quite clear in my mind. For once, I know precisely where we sit and what the risks are. A wake up call? Absolutely. At worst, without in further income for the company, I could potentially be out of work about Christmas next year.
A goal to work towards. I was heartened this week by Am Polleanach and An Quebecois, who have made significant adjustments in their retirement plans based on the the world around them. Heartened because it always seems rare to find people who get information and then act on it.
I have the information. Now I need to act.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Shepherds and Incandescence
I have my found my thing.
Well, okay, I did not really find it. Someone else found it for me – Gene Logsdon in You Can Go Home Again. There is was, sitting there –I’d even read it before, but never consciously made the connection:
“But I came home to be a shepherd in another way, also unanticipated. I became a shepherd of homesick humans. I had always seen in the ‘Little Bo Peep’ rhyme more than the literal meaning of the lines: ‘Leave them alone, and they’ll come home, bringing their tails behind them.’ I thought that admonition applied to people in more cases than to sheep, and it certainly had applied to me. From the mail and phone calls I was receiving in mounting numbers, it was obvious that most people were trying to come home, if not literally then to someplace they could make into a true home, a place where they actually lived their lives. Some went home not exactly willingly at first, forced to do so by downsizing, and found that losing their high-paying jobs turned out to be a blessing. Some waited until they retired, when they could escape the mad manacles of wage-slaveocracy. Some waited until the very end and came home in coffins.
Becoming a shepherd of lost souls was unnerving for me. I was a lost soul myself. But I tried to answer all the questions of homesick; replied to all their mail; allowed them to come here even when I doubted that visiting me was going to help their troubled spirits; wrote books that I hoped would inspire those with a true vocation for this kind of living and would discourage those who were only fantasizing. I became a shepherd, calling home those people who should have never left in the first place. How much profit per acre is this worth in accounting terms?”
That’s what it is: Going home to the place you belong. Being and living where you are. Being an integrated whole: as Benjamin Franklin said “What you seem to be, be really.” Not being different parts of yourself in different places: authenticity.
This tied in with a second thought, one I couldn't remember until I got home tonight at midnight, nagging at my mind. It was in today's reading of My Utmost for His Highest:
"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say - "Oh, who am I?" We have to learn the first great stride of God - "I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee." We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew 3:17). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision - "This is what God wants me to do;" but we have not got into God's stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead. " (Emphasis mine).
That's what I want too: the individuality that God has granted me (whatever permutation that may be) to be made incandescent, that light on a hill - not by anything I do or have done, but by God showing Himself through me. That is to be truly authentic, truly whole, and in the end, to be shepherd Logsdon speaks off, guiding people back home.
Well, okay, I did not really find it. Someone else found it for me – Gene Logsdon in You Can Go Home Again. There is was, sitting there –I’d even read it before, but never consciously made the connection:
“But I came home to be a shepherd in another way, also unanticipated. I became a shepherd of homesick humans. I had always seen in the ‘Little Bo Peep’ rhyme more than the literal meaning of the lines: ‘Leave them alone, and they’ll come home, bringing their tails behind them.’ I thought that admonition applied to people in more cases than to sheep, and it certainly had applied to me. From the mail and phone calls I was receiving in mounting numbers, it was obvious that most people were trying to come home, if not literally then to someplace they could make into a true home, a place where they actually lived their lives. Some went home not exactly willingly at first, forced to do so by downsizing, and found that losing their high-paying jobs turned out to be a blessing. Some waited until they retired, when they could escape the mad manacles of wage-slaveocracy. Some waited until the very end and came home in coffins.
Becoming a shepherd of lost souls was unnerving for me. I was a lost soul myself. But I tried to answer all the questions of homesick; replied to all their mail; allowed them to come here even when I doubted that visiting me was going to help their troubled spirits; wrote books that I hoped would inspire those with a true vocation for this kind of living and would discourage those who were only fantasizing. I became a shepherd, calling home those people who should have never left in the first place. How much profit per acre is this worth in accounting terms?”
That’s what it is: Going home to the place you belong. Being and living where you are. Being an integrated whole: as Benjamin Franklin said “What you seem to be, be really.” Not being different parts of yourself in different places: authenticity.
This tied in with a second thought, one I couldn't remember until I got home tonight at midnight, nagging at my mind. It was in today's reading of My Utmost for His Highest:
"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say - "Oh, who am I?" We have to learn the first great stride of God - "I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee." We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew 3:17). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision - "This is what God wants me to do;" but we have not got into God's stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead. " (Emphasis mine).
That's what I want too: the individuality that God has granted me (whatever permutation that may be) to be made incandescent, that light on a hill - not by anything I do or have done, but by God showing Himself through me. That is to be truly authentic, truly whole, and in the end, to be shepherd Logsdon speaks off, guiding people back home.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Going Home versus Serving Here
I am rereading You Can Go Home Again by Gene Logsdon. I like Logsdon, as he is a very good writer/storyteller and he writes about things close to my heart: farms and agriculture, a sense of centeredness, agricultural sanity in a time of global chaos.
This book is especially good, as it is really two books in one: in the first half, Logsdon essentially gives us an abbreviated biography of his life, moving from a path of Catholic priest to farmer and writer. The second part is a series of short stories about life "on the ramparts", as he says from The Contrary Farmer, including softball, Christmas, and living without power during a winter storm of 1978.
The thing that has moved me most on this rereading (I am saving what is left of the book for my flight home, savoring the joy of discovering Christmas and cornhusking and a Ted Nugent concert again) is actually early in the book, when he talks about realizing that he wants to be a farmer, not a priest. It takes him a period of years to realize that in fact it is okay to feel this - that in the end (my words, not his) he has made an excellent farmer and writer but would have made a lousy priest, as you can never truly be good at what you don't love.
The thought boomeranged back to my own life right now, and where I am in my career. I can assure you, although I tolerate the work I do and in some ways enjoy it more than I used to, I do not "love" my job. In many ways, not all intellectually or careerwise, this move was good - if for no other reason than it is simply that, a job, not a personal crisis welling up from day to day to take over my life and take home with me. Still, there is something within me that looks around at all of this and shrugs my shoulders. Truly, if I could do what I wanted, I would walk away from this career field with nary a second thought.
But in that event, what would that do to the mission I field I am in, as Otis notes in his excellent post here? I'm fighting, as the author of The Cloud of Unknowing might say, the struggle between the active and the contemplative life. We serve at the request of God, not Him at ours. What we imagine for ourselves and what He created us for are two different things - but as always, we life in hopes that all those gifts and yearnings that God has given us are there for a purpose and will be realized - if not here, then in Heaven.
This book is especially good, as it is really two books in one: in the first half, Logsdon essentially gives us an abbreviated biography of his life, moving from a path of Catholic priest to farmer and writer. The second part is a series of short stories about life "on the ramparts", as he says from The Contrary Farmer, including softball, Christmas, and living without power during a winter storm of 1978.
The thing that has moved me most on this rereading (I am saving what is left of the book for my flight home, savoring the joy of discovering Christmas and cornhusking and a Ted Nugent concert again) is actually early in the book, when he talks about realizing that he wants to be a farmer, not a priest. It takes him a period of years to realize that in fact it is okay to feel this - that in the end (my words, not his) he has made an excellent farmer and writer but would have made a lousy priest, as you can never truly be good at what you don't love.
The thought boomeranged back to my own life right now, and where I am in my career. I can assure you, although I tolerate the work I do and in some ways enjoy it more than I used to, I do not "love" my job. In many ways, not all intellectually or careerwise, this move was good - if for no other reason than it is simply that, a job, not a personal crisis welling up from day to day to take over my life and take home with me. Still, there is something within me that looks around at all of this and shrugs my shoulders. Truly, if I could do what I wanted, I would walk away from this career field with nary a second thought.
But in that event, what would that do to the mission I field I am in, as Otis notes in his excellent post here? I'm fighting, as the author of The Cloud of Unknowing might say, the struggle between the active and the contemplative life. We serve at the request of God, not Him at ours. What we imagine for ourselves and what He created us for are two different things - but as always, we life in hopes that all those gifts and yearnings that God has given us are there for a purpose and will be realized - if not here, then in Heaven.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Bringing Value
A layover in my flight.
Interestingly, traveling brings back memories of The Firm. That I know of, we never came to here, flying more through the Southwest to the South and Southeast. Still, walking through the airport, seeing Fox Sports Box restaurant, going on Southwest Airlines as I did last week, all brings back The Firm.
We passed Failure Day III this year. I assume I have gotten over this, as it passed without my realizing it this year. The harshest of memories is gone – I can remember what it was like to go weeks without a paycheck, which makes the current economic situation much more doable, if only I can keep it in my mind. Too, finding a job that absorbs my attention more is also assisting.
Still, it is one of the great might have beens. What would have happened if I had stayed? I know my partner has continued on in the business, and from what I can tell, doing so reasonably successfully. But would that have worked with two? Was I truly bringing value to the table?
Perhaps that is lesson tonight, sitting idly in the Central Time Zone. Am I bringing value – first of all, in my relationship to God (more properly asked in that case, am I using what He has gifted me with to bring glory to Him) – but secondly in all my relationships: the Ravishing Mrs. TB, na clann, my circle of friends (Uisdean Ruadh, Otis and Buttercup, An Polleaneach, An Quebecois, Bogha Frois and L’Acadian), my family of believers and the greater family of believers throughout the world, my career? Are they all better for having known me? When I am with them, do I give them 100% of my time and attention – or, like the end of The Firm, do I devolve into doing what makes me feel good?
Interestingly, traveling brings back memories of The Firm. That I know of, we never came to here, flying more through the Southwest to the South and Southeast. Still, walking through the airport, seeing Fox Sports Box restaurant, going on Southwest Airlines as I did last week, all brings back The Firm.
We passed Failure Day III this year. I assume I have gotten over this, as it passed without my realizing it this year. The harshest of memories is gone – I can remember what it was like to go weeks without a paycheck, which makes the current economic situation much more doable, if only I can keep it in my mind. Too, finding a job that absorbs my attention more is also assisting.
Still, it is one of the great might have beens. What would have happened if I had stayed? I know my partner has continued on in the business, and from what I can tell, doing so reasonably successfully. But would that have worked with two? Was I truly bringing value to the table?
Perhaps that is lesson tonight, sitting idly in the Central Time Zone. Am I bringing value – first of all, in my relationship to God (more properly asked in that case, am I using what He has gifted me with to bring glory to Him) – but secondly in all my relationships: the Ravishing Mrs. TB, na clann, my circle of friends (Uisdean Ruadh, Otis and Buttercup, An Polleaneach, An Quebecois, Bogha Frois and L’Acadian), my family of believers and the greater family of believers throughout the world, my career? Are they all better for having known me? When I am with them, do I give them 100% of my time and attention – or, like the end of The Firm, do I devolve into doing what makes me feel good?
Exercising Your Gift
So I had the opportunity to exercise my gift on Sunday. It was nothing like I imagined.
Interestingly, I think we get the idea from somewhere (not sure where) that when we exercise our gifts, we will be in some kind of happy, blissful state, above that which are doing.
Not for me. I could visibly feel myself shaking about halfway through the first stanza, and definitely twitching by the second. By God's grace (or so The Ravishing Mrs. TB said) my voice did not break at all.
It strikes me as odd how caught up we get in using our gifts for God's glory, and then when the circumstance arises to use them, we freak out about how they are being used and whether we'll look good. One always wants to do one's best, of course, but there is a thin line between doing the best for the glory of God and doing one's best so that I will look good glorifying God.
Interestingly, I think we get the idea from somewhere (not sure where) that when we exercise our gifts, we will be in some kind of happy, blissful state, above that which are doing.
Not for me. I could visibly feel myself shaking about halfway through the first stanza, and definitely twitching by the second. By God's grace (or so The Ravishing Mrs. TB said) my voice did not break at all.
It strikes me as odd how caught up we get in using our gifts for God's glory, and then when the circumstance arises to use them, we freak out about how they are being used and whether we'll look good. One always wants to do one's best, of course, but there is a thin line between doing the best for the glory of God and doing one's best so that I will look good glorifying God.
Dreams and Decisions
What constitutes when to follow a dream in the absence of any proof?
I have an opportunity to fulfill one of my lifelong goals (and no, I won't tell you which one. That's not the point). The difficulty is, it is not fulfilling it quite in the way I had planned. Essentially, it requires an upfront investment of money, a thing that is a bit short in supply at the moment.
I struggle - in the vast scheme of things, it may not be much, but right now, it is humanly insurmountable. And to some degree, it feels selfish - I operate not in the context of myself, but in the context of a family unit that depends on me.
The other item is that I do not want to force something that is not the will of God. I've done that, more often that I care to think. If it ever went well, it was only due to the grace of God, not to anything that I did. My model, if I have one, is Phil Vischer, formerly of Veggie Tales. He thought that God had called him to create an entertainment group rivaling Disney, which in the end crumbled (his blog, www.philvischer.com, has an excellent summary. His book, Me, Myself, and Bob, is also very good in this regard [as I've told - haven't got to reading it yet).
The issue I haven't work out is timing. In my experience, opportunities are only exceeded by fish in their ability to go stale in a short period of time. Nothing lasts forever, of course. I need to decide something this week. Of course, I am also a believer (taught by the school of hard knocks) that if any business deal needs to be done in a rush without appropriate analysis, it's probably not worth it.
Look at that - it's pretty much a God thing. Which it should be.
I have an opportunity to fulfill one of my lifelong goals (and no, I won't tell you which one. That's not the point). The difficulty is, it is not fulfilling it quite in the way I had planned. Essentially, it requires an upfront investment of money, a thing that is a bit short in supply at the moment.
I struggle - in the vast scheme of things, it may not be much, but right now, it is humanly insurmountable. And to some degree, it feels selfish - I operate not in the context of myself, but in the context of a family unit that depends on me.
The other item is that I do not want to force something that is not the will of God. I've done that, more often that I care to think. If it ever went well, it was only due to the grace of God, not to anything that I did. My model, if I have one, is Phil Vischer, formerly of Veggie Tales. He thought that God had called him to create an entertainment group rivaling Disney, which in the end crumbled (his blog, www.philvischer.com, has an excellent summary. His book, Me, Myself, and Bob, is also very good in this regard [as I've told - haven't got to reading it yet).
The issue I haven't work out is timing. In my experience, opportunities are only exceeded by fish in their ability to go stale in a short period of time. Nothing lasts forever, of course. I need to decide something this week. Of course, I am also a believer (taught by the school of hard knocks) that if any business deal needs to be done in a rush without appropriate analysis, it's probably not worth it.
Look at that - it's pretty much a God thing. Which it should be.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Winter Garden
This weekend has been the culmination of a two weekend process to replace my summer garden with my winter garden. I got a helpful push from the weather last weekend (cold and rainy), which prompted me to get my tail in action - around here, much beyond the last week of October, you're not able to plant much of anything, as we have entered our rainy season.
It was easier than in years past, partially because I planted less, partially because things were spaced out better. It's also allowed me to reconfigure my garden into a summer side and winter side (based on access to the sun). Currently on the summer side, there's nothing but a couple of leftover pepper plants and some onions and potatoes I missed earlier. I'm planning to dump my compost in today, and then start layering it with what I am able to get from mowing my lawn between now and the end of the season.
On the winter side, I planed wheat, barley, potatoes, onions, spinach, lettuce, cabbage, broccoli (two kinds) and leeks. I have to mulch these as well, but want a fair amount of them to get started, so I'll delay that a bit.
Left to do: reconfigure my compost area (I'm pulling out the system of boards I'm using now, as the dog can dig in it and replacing it with a series of plastic garbage cans with open bottoms) and figure out a low fencing system to keep the dog out of the garden (something cheap and easy to replace - maybe pvc?)
It was easier than in years past, partially because I planted less, partially because things were spaced out better. It's also allowed me to reconfigure my garden into a summer side and winter side (based on access to the sun). Currently on the summer side, there's nothing but a couple of leftover pepper plants and some onions and potatoes I missed earlier. I'm planning to dump my compost in today, and then start layering it with what I am able to get from mowing my lawn between now and the end of the season.
On the winter side, I planed wheat, barley, potatoes, onions, spinach, lettuce, cabbage, broccoli (two kinds) and leeks. I have to mulch these as well, but want a fair amount of them to get started, so I'll delay that a bit.
Left to do: reconfigure my compost area (I'm pulling out the system of boards I'm using now, as the dog can dig in it and replacing it with a series of plastic garbage cans with open bottoms) and figure out a low fencing system to keep the dog out of the garden (something cheap and easy to replace - maybe pvc?)
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Clutter
So I am starting to attempt to remove the clutter and disorganization from my physical and spiritual life.
It's odd - at work I have gotten to the point that I am fairly organized. I am a firm believer in the idea that a clean desk promotes an organized mind and work environment, almost to the point that I become physical uncomfortable if I have too many piles.
However, our home life has never really been that way - not messy per se, just disorganized with a lot of stuff involved. It was like that before na clann arrived, so of course that didn't assist anything.
Why do we hold onto things? If I look around me, at my own stuff, why do I keep the things I do? Some of it is from nostalgia or sentimental value, of course, and some of it is because the things are useful to me. But what about those that are neither sentimental nor useful?
Part of it, I suppose, is a comfort thing. We keep things that make our environment comfortable and soothing to us, a place we want to be. I think, however, I'd probably include this stuff in the useful category, as it is serving a purpose (but can change status as we change our decor, our lives, etc.)
The rest, I think, is simply the fact that we don't really like to give things up. Why? Two reasons: 1) Fear we're going to need it again and not have it; 2) A sort of base materialism that prevents us from getting rid of things, even if we don't need them.
Our greatest challenge is our garage, which is packed full of stuff which we are going to sell in a garage sale. In some cases, the stuff has been there for 6-7 months since our last garage sale. Is there any thought that we will really any money on this? No. But what keep us from just clearing it out and donating it, or simply giving it away? The nagging thought that money is walking out the door.
A third reason pops into my head as I write - keeping things that meant something to us, especially things we used to participate in or do, out of a sense that getting rid of them is getting rid of ourselves. To get rid of those golf clubs or that hobby item that meant so much to us 10 years ago, that we poured so much time into, can be like getting rid of part of ourselves.
It occurs to me that our spiritual lives are just like this: we collect clutter over the years through sin, bad habits, bad ways of living, baggage we carry around, to the point that it prevents us from being effective or useful to God. As hard as it is to get something in a full closet or garage, how much harder to wade through the corridors of the heart looking for love and humility as we're pushing aside boxes labeled "Sins of my youth I never gave over to God" or "Last week's argument with my wife" or "Spiritual laziness"?
Perhaps that's why God will use fire in His judgement of rewards of the believer (1 Corinthians 3:12-15): fire, more than any other physical item, is the one thing that truly reduces all items, both important and unimportant, into something that will blow away in the wind. Only those things within will remain.
It's odd - at work I have gotten to the point that I am fairly organized. I am a firm believer in the idea that a clean desk promotes an organized mind and work environment, almost to the point that I become physical uncomfortable if I have too many piles.
However, our home life has never really been that way - not messy per se, just disorganized with a lot of stuff involved. It was like that before na clann arrived, so of course that didn't assist anything.
Why do we hold onto things? If I look around me, at my own stuff, why do I keep the things I do? Some of it is from nostalgia or sentimental value, of course, and some of it is because the things are useful to me. But what about those that are neither sentimental nor useful?
Part of it, I suppose, is a comfort thing. We keep things that make our environment comfortable and soothing to us, a place we want to be. I think, however, I'd probably include this stuff in the useful category, as it is serving a purpose (but can change status as we change our decor, our lives, etc.)
The rest, I think, is simply the fact that we don't really like to give things up. Why? Two reasons: 1) Fear we're going to need it again and not have it; 2) A sort of base materialism that prevents us from getting rid of things, even if we don't need them.
Our greatest challenge is our garage, which is packed full of stuff which we are going to sell in a garage sale. In some cases, the stuff has been there for 6-7 months since our last garage sale. Is there any thought that we will really any money on this? No. But what keep us from just clearing it out and donating it, or simply giving it away? The nagging thought that money is walking out the door.
A third reason pops into my head as I write - keeping things that meant something to us, especially things we used to participate in or do, out of a sense that getting rid of them is getting rid of ourselves. To get rid of those golf clubs or that hobby item that meant so much to us 10 years ago, that we poured so much time into, can be like getting rid of part of ourselves.
It occurs to me that our spiritual lives are just like this: we collect clutter over the years through sin, bad habits, bad ways of living, baggage we carry around, to the point that it prevents us from being effective or useful to God. As hard as it is to get something in a full closet or garage, how much harder to wade through the corridors of the heart looking for love and humility as we're pushing aside boxes labeled "Sins of my youth I never gave over to God" or "Last week's argument with my wife" or "Spiritual laziness"?
Perhaps that's why God will use fire in His judgement of rewards of the believer (1 Corinthians 3:12-15): fire, more than any other physical item, is the one thing that truly reduces all items, both important and unimportant, into something that will blow away in the wind. Only those things within will remain.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Love in the Time of Financial Chaos
I have been watching the financial roller coaster of the last two weeks with a not unconcerned eye - I obviously have been affected (if you've a retirement account or a house, guess what: you're in!), as have those I know who are retired (my parents, An Quebecois) or those who have lost their jobs (Uisdean Ruadh).
The revealing thing to me is how much this is revealing about the focus of the society that we have created. Simply put, and this will come as a surprise to no-one, we are a society consumed with wealth.
It crosses every conceivable social fracture line in the world. People are concerned about money, where money is coming from, where is the money going, when will the money be back.
The thing it has reminded me of - blatantly - is the matter of priorities.
In Proverbs 23: 4-5 Solomon writes (almost 3000 years ago):
"Do not overwork to be rich;
Because of your own understanding, cease!
Will you set your eyes on that
which is not?
For riches certainly make themselves wings;
They fly away like an eagle toward heaven."
- and yet we have built a society on the very concept of wealth, and that wealth and the earning of it should be a priority in our live, requiring potential sacrifices of ourselves, our families, our relationships, and our service to God.
Could it be that God is smacking our hands now, using a circumstance which many in this country hold as a right (especially the Baby Boomer generation - think of what almost reaching the retirement finish line and then watching it drain away) to call us back to Him?
And for those of us younger or farther away, could this be God reminding us of the futility of substituting any idol for Him?
The revealing thing to me is how much this is revealing about the focus of the society that we have created. Simply put, and this will come as a surprise to no-one, we are a society consumed with wealth.
It crosses every conceivable social fracture line in the world. People are concerned about money, where money is coming from, where is the money going, when will the money be back.
The thing it has reminded me of - blatantly - is the matter of priorities.
In Proverbs 23: 4-5 Solomon writes (almost 3000 years ago):
"Do not overwork to be rich;
Because of your own understanding, cease!
Will you set your eyes on that
which is not?
For riches certainly make themselves wings;
They fly away like an eagle toward heaven."
- and yet we have built a society on the very concept of wealth, and that wealth and the earning of it should be a priority in our live, requiring potential sacrifices of ourselves, our families, our relationships, and our service to God.
Could it be that God is smacking our hands now, using a circumstance which many in this country hold as a right (especially the Baby Boomer generation - think of what almost reaching the retirement finish line and then watching it drain away) to call us back to Him?
And for those of us younger or farther away, could this be God reminding us of the futility of substituting any idol for Him?
Fooling Ourselves
Tonight in our faith group, we talked about Malachi 3:13-18. The first half of this section deals with the hearts of those in Israel who were only obeying God on the surface, essentially for outward gain:
13“ Your words have been harsh against Me,” Says the LORD, “ Yet you say, ‘ What have we spoken against You?’
14 You have said, ‘ It is useless to serve God; What profit is it that we have kept His ordinance, And that we have walked as mourners Before the LORD of hosts?
15 So now we call the proud blessed, For those who do wickedness are raised up; They even tempt God and go free.’”
In other words, "We kept the law, we served you, we even fasted and repented, and nothing! From now on God, we go with the pragmatic and successful, even if they are against you."
It is evident, is it not, that the hearts of those to whom the Lord ascribes His words were never really obedient in the first place? They were serving and keeping the commands of God and repenting, but only outwardly, and really only to seek the physical and financial rewards of God. In other words, their hearts weren't in their relationships with God.
Too often I have made this mistake in my own life, thinking that if only I did the right thing, I would be rewarded. Consider it a legacy (still ongoing) of my intense need to please people and be like by them. If you've ever suffered from this, you know exactly the pain and uncertainty of always trying to gauge the reactions of others for a sign: do they like me? Are they indicating they don't like me? If this drives you crazy, think about trying to gauge the reaction of a God you can't see!
But here is the odd thing: God has actually told us what pleases Him. The problem is we don't take Him at His word. The other problem is that we confuse temporal rewards with eternal rewards. As the Psalmist says, "The fool says in his heart 'There is no God'"(Psalm 14:1), and so they (and too often we) march merrily off seeking the direct cause and effect of the physical world, because if there were a God, He'd sure be rewarding those who obeyed Him (which should have been me) and punishing those who didn't (which, in reality, probably was me, although I fail to see it).
In a real sense, we need to develop our spiritual sense through intensely seeking God through prayer, worship, His word, and other believers. Why? Not so that we can seek some mystical union with God, but so that we become so familiar with and enamoured of Him, that He becomes as real a personality to us through His son Jesus that the reason we obey is not to get a temporal reward, but to please Him and receive an eternal reward. In this, perhaps, the mystics have it right: only as God becomes truly real to me (because for me, I deal poorly in the abstract) will I believe that I am pleasing Him, and will seek to please Him, not in outward behaviour, fooling myself into thinking I am seeking Him, but inwardly in my heart, which will flow outwardly to my actions.
13“ Your words have been harsh against Me,” Says the LORD, “ Yet you say, ‘ What have we spoken against You?’
14 You have said, ‘ It is useless to serve God; What profit is it that we have kept His ordinance, And that we have walked as mourners Before the LORD of hosts?
15 So now we call the proud blessed, For those who do wickedness are raised up; They even tempt God and go free.’”
In other words, "We kept the law, we served you, we even fasted and repented, and nothing! From now on God, we go with the pragmatic and successful, even if they are against you."
It is evident, is it not, that the hearts of those to whom the Lord ascribes His words were never really obedient in the first place? They were serving and keeping the commands of God and repenting, but only outwardly, and really only to seek the physical and financial rewards of God. In other words, their hearts weren't in their relationships with God.
Too often I have made this mistake in my own life, thinking that if only I did the right thing, I would be rewarded. Consider it a legacy (still ongoing) of my intense need to please people and be like by them. If you've ever suffered from this, you know exactly the pain and uncertainty of always trying to gauge the reactions of others for a sign: do they like me? Are they indicating they don't like me? If this drives you crazy, think about trying to gauge the reaction of a God you can't see!
But here is the odd thing: God has actually told us what pleases Him. The problem is we don't take Him at His word. The other problem is that we confuse temporal rewards with eternal rewards. As the Psalmist says, "The fool says in his heart 'There is no God'"(Psalm 14:1), and so they (and too often we) march merrily off seeking the direct cause and effect of the physical world, because if there were a God, He'd sure be rewarding those who obeyed Him (which should have been me) and punishing those who didn't (which, in reality, probably was me, although I fail to see it).
In a real sense, we need to develop our spiritual sense through intensely seeking God through prayer, worship, His word, and other believers. Why? Not so that we can seek some mystical union with God, but so that we become so familiar with and enamoured of Him, that He becomes as real a personality to us through His son Jesus that the reason we obey is not to get a temporal reward, but to please Him and receive an eternal reward. In this, perhaps, the mystics have it right: only as God becomes truly real to me (because for me, I deal poorly in the abstract) will I believe that I am pleasing Him, and will seek to please Him, not in outward behaviour, fooling myself into thinking I am seeking Him, but inwardly in my heart, which will flow outwardly to my actions.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Top Dog II
I had some interesting and thought provoking feedback from Am Polleanach and her husband, An Quebecois based on the Top Dog reflection. The section that got the thought process going was:
"It hit me this morning: Isn't this how we act towards each other? Each of us, in our own way, trying to be "Top Dog" to God? Look at any church body or any church meeting (ever watch the dynamics of before and after church, or a men's breakfast?) and you'll see what I mean: sometimes in subtle, even unconscious ways, we try to "prove" to God that we are more into serving Him than others.
I wonder if God looks on the church with the same frustration that I look upon the dogs. He loves all His children in the church, but we are trying to clamber over each other to get His attention. He has created each of us with spiritual gifts to be used to build up the body - but not all of this are visible and seemingly rewarded in this life. Instead of being what He wants us to be (working hard on conforming to His word and using our spiritual gifts as they have been given), do we try to get His attention by doing visible things to show our devotion and service?"
Am Polleanach e-mailed him saying
"It got me thinking about motivation and why we really do things in church. Of course, because we sing, I look at it from a musician’s point of view."
An Quebecois responded:
"He’s right. We should do our quiet works for God without taking the limelight. We must be humble in His eyes. Service without reward of any kind would be ideal I would think. Now, if we could find a church where it’s people only think of giving without reward. Let’s not give up on that idealism."
The part that created additional thoughts in me are the comments "Of course, because we sing, I look at it from a musician's point of view", and "We should do our quiet works for God without taking the limelight. We must be humble in His eyes. Service without reward of any kind would be ideal I would think. "
As I mentioned before, my primary role of service in my church, and has been for many years, is being involved in music ministry: choir or worship team, instrumentals or vocal solos. When we pray, whether before rehearsal or performance, our Worship Team Leader prays "Let us use the talents you've given us to glorify you, not because we enjoy it but because you're worthy." For a long time I struggled with this, because I sing because I like to sing, I'm moderately good at it, and wherever I've been it's always an area of service churches are looking for.
But I wonder, based on the thoughts from An Quebecois, if we try too hard sometimes. What if in fact God, in His infinite love and grace, would give us to serve in those things we enjoy? There is something for myself in singing, where I simply lose myself in the act of singing. It is not work - it is a pleasure. Before we we begin to agonize over the ways we can't serve God with the gifts and talents we don't have, do we look to the talents and gifts we do have?
I know, I know - setup, or sweeping, or teaching, or a host of things are not necessarily pleasurable to do, but necessary. But even in these, do we lose out on the reward by concentrating more on what we get from the experience than on the joy of serving God, a God who has promised to reward us? And even in the quiet act of physical service, like gardening outside or physical labor, there is a kind of joy. Do we also recognize this as a service for and a reward from God?
"It hit me this morning: Isn't this how we act towards each other? Each of us, in our own way, trying to be "Top Dog" to God? Look at any church body or any church meeting (ever watch the dynamics of before and after church, or a men's breakfast?) and you'll see what I mean: sometimes in subtle, even unconscious ways, we try to "prove" to God that we are more into serving Him than others.
I wonder if God looks on the church with the same frustration that I look upon the dogs. He loves all His children in the church, but we are trying to clamber over each other to get His attention. He has created each of us with spiritual gifts to be used to build up the body - but not all of this are visible and seemingly rewarded in this life. Instead of being what He wants us to be (working hard on conforming to His word and using our spiritual gifts as they have been given), do we try to get His attention by doing visible things to show our devotion and service?"
Am Polleanach e-mailed him saying
"It got me thinking about motivation and why we really do things in church. Of course, because we sing, I look at it from a musician’s point of view."
An Quebecois responded:
"He’s right. We should do our quiet works for God without taking the limelight. We must be humble in His eyes. Service without reward of any kind would be ideal I would think. Now, if we could find a church where it’s people only think of giving without reward. Let’s not give up on that idealism."
The part that created additional thoughts in me are the comments "Of course, because we sing, I look at it from a musician's point of view", and "We should do our quiet works for God without taking the limelight. We must be humble in His eyes. Service without reward of any kind would be ideal I would think. "
As I mentioned before, my primary role of service in my church, and has been for many years, is being involved in music ministry: choir or worship team, instrumentals or vocal solos. When we pray, whether before rehearsal or performance, our Worship Team Leader prays "Let us use the talents you've given us to glorify you, not because we enjoy it but because you're worthy." For a long time I struggled with this, because I sing because I like to sing, I'm moderately good at it, and wherever I've been it's always an area of service churches are looking for.
But I wonder, based on the thoughts from An Quebecois, if we try too hard sometimes. What if in fact God, in His infinite love and grace, would give us to serve in those things we enjoy? There is something for myself in singing, where I simply lose myself in the act of singing. It is not work - it is a pleasure. Before we we begin to agonize over the ways we can't serve God with the gifts and talents we don't have, do we look to the talents and gifts we do have?
I know, I know - setup, or sweeping, or teaching, or a host of things are not necessarily pleasurable to do, but necessary. But even in these, do we lose out on the reward by concentrating more on what we get from the experience than on the joy of serving God, a God who has promised to reward us? And even in the quiet act of physical service, like gardening outside or physical labor, there is a kind of joy. Do we also recognize this as a service for and a reward from God?
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
The Systems of Others
It's amazing to me how truly unsatisfying I can find any job to be. It's almost like I have a gift for not be happy at my jobs.
Not that I have any illusions: one thing I've learned to this point is that the problems of any job never really are different in scope, only in issue and personality.
Part of what I am grappling with is (again) being in the position of realizing that what I have really been hired for is not necessarily my expertise or experience per se, but only so far as that assists my manager in executing the vision that he has for the department.
How is this done, you may ask? Simple. I am asked to create a document or a system. I create a document or a system and send it on for review. What comes back from the review is "Well, this is good, but this is what I was thinking", which really means "This is what I wanted to start out with."
Fine. That's my job. The frustrating part is feeling like one was going to be creating systems and policies, and what one is doing is simply creating the systems and policies of others, which then I am responsible for executing. It makes me feel like a document associate, just moving stuff through the system and occasionally getting the overflow of things that others do not have the time to do or what to do.
So here's the question: How do I change my perspective?
P.S. I suppose on the bright side, the new job and resulting schedule is making it much more easy for me to blog...
Not that I have any illusions: one thing I've learned to this point is that the problems of any job never really are different in scope, only in issue and personality.
Part of what I am grappling with is (again) being in the position of realizing that what I have really been hired for is not necessarily my expertise or experience per se, but only so far as that assists my manager in executing the vision that he has for the department.
How is this done, you may ask? Simple. I am asked to create a document or a system. I create a document or a system and send it on for review. What comes back from the review is "Well, this is good, but this is what I was thinking", which really means "This is what I wanted to start out with."
Fine. That's my job. The frustrating part is feeling like one was going to be creating systems and policies, and what one is doing is simply creating the systems and policies of others, which then I am responsible for executing. It makes me feel like a document associate, just moving stuff through the system and occasionally getting the overflow of things that others do not have the time to do or what to do.
So here's the question: How do I change my perspective?
P.S. I suppose on the bright side, the new job and resulting schedule is making it much more easy for me to blog...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I Want It Now!
I'm having another one of those moments of selfishness. You know them: the blind red rage that rises when something you want is denied you, followed up immediately by "Why? It's not fair?"
Stuart Scott in The Exemplary Husband notes that if a desire, want, or need rises to the forefront above obeying God, even if it is legitimate, we are to temporarily put it aside in favor of obeying God - or, as James says, "The anger of man does not work the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). To sin, even in pursuit of a legitimate goal or want, destroys the bottom line of pursuing anything: to glorify God.
Which is all fine in print, of course, but does nothing when I am in the throes of dealing with it.
But it occurs to me that it is in those times, perhaps above others, that God is working in us: enabling us to deny ourselves, to put aside the things that we want for the thing that He wants (at the bottom of it, of course, is His righteousness and His character that He wants to give us), to give witness to the world about the surpassing glory of God (i.e. we can sacrifice something that the world considers worthwhile for something else - what's up with that?), and to show that, in the end, we are truly dependent on Him for everything.
It is the truly strong person who can say, even it the pursuit of a legitimate goal or desire, "Not my will, but Thine be done, O Lord."
Stuart Scott in The Exemplary Husband notes that if a desire, want, or need rises to the forefront above obeying God, even if it is legitimate, we are to temporarily put it aside in favor of obeying God - or, as James says, "The anger of man does not work the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). To sin, even in pursuit of a legitimate goal or want, destroys the bottom line of pursuing anything: to glorify God.
Which is all fine in print, of course, but does nothing when I am in the throes of dealing with it.
But it occurs to me that it is in those times, perhaps above others, that God is working in us: enabling us to deny ourselves, to put aside the things that we want for the thing that He wants (at the bottom of it, of course, is His righteousness and His character that He wants to give us), to give witness to the world about the surpassing glory of God (i.e. we can sacrifice something that the world considers worthwhile for something else - what's up with that?), and to show that, in the end, we are truly dependent on Him for everything.
It is the truly strong person who can say, even it the pursuit of a legitimate goal or desire, "Not my will, but Thine be done, O Lord."
Monday, September 29, 2008
Uisdean ruadh
I spoke with Uisdean ruadh last night. His spirits are still up - far better than mine would be, given the circumstances. He has officially been off the payroll for 1.5 months now.
I asked him how the job hunt was going: E-mails? None new, beyond the automated "Thank you for your interest" responses. Phone calls? Nope. Regular old style mail? Again, nope.
That is hard. I know something of that, having been without work after the failure of The Firm. But I had relative advantage of not looking in his industry (computer services) in this environment. Still, I remember the days of spending your time looking (and it seemed to get less ever day, as you had already covered more and more websites), doing this and that around the house, punctuated (in my case) by brief moments of sheer panic (What are we going to do?).
But not Uisdean Ruadh. He was the same level headed, methodically planning, taking one day at a time self that he usually is. Admirable, really.
Continue to pray for him and his employment, if you would. In fact, take a moment and pray for all who are unsettled in this time of economic uncertainty, not only for their physical needs, but if their minds are on things other than the God, that He would focus them on Him.
I asked him how the job hunt was going: E-mails? None new, beyond the automated "Thank you for your interest" responses. Phone calls? Nope. Regular old style mail? Again, nope.
That is hard. I know something of that, having been without work after the failure of The Firm. But I had relative advantage of not looking in his industry (computer services) in this environment. Still, I remember the days of spending your time looking (and it seemed to get less ever day, as you had already covered more and more websites), doing this and that around the house, punctuated (in my case) by brief moments of sheer panic (What are we going to do?).
But not Uisdean Ruadh. He was the same level headed, methodically planning, taking one day at a time self that he usually is. Admirable, really.
Continue to pray for him and his employment, if you would. In fact, take a moment and pray for all who are unsettled in this time of economic uncertainty, not only for their physical needs, but if their minds are on things other than the God, that He would focus them on Him.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
New Blog
Nighean gheal has a new blog: http://www.rabbitduchess.blogspot.com/. Go support her.
You. Why are still reading this? Go here.
You. Why are still reading this? Go here.
Top Dog
This weekend we had a visitor: Bandit (my sister's dog). As the Ravishing Mrs. TB was out of town on a retreat and I had Na Clann, I said "Sure - how much more out of control can it be?"
How wrong I was. As it turns out, the dogs were the bigger issues than the kids...
What I observed, up to this point (Sunday afternoon, where both have blissfully collapsed into slumber), was the interaction between the two: partially playing, but partially interacting to see who was the top dog; the jawing/sniffing/runaround to get the advantage on the other one. What I also noticed was that Syrah became jealous unless I first pet her and then moved to Bandit, who was very eager to please with literally her whole body wagging.
It hit me this morning: Isn't this how we act towards each other? Each of us, in our own way, trying to be "Top Dog" to God? Look at any church body or any church meeting (ever watch the dynamics of before and after church, or a men's breakfast?) and you'll see what I mean: sometimes in subtle, even unconscious ways, we try to "prove" to God that we are more into serving Him than others.
I wonder if God looks on the church with the same frustration that I look upon the dogs. He loves all His children in the church, but we are trying to clamber over each other to get His attention. He has created each of us with spiritual gifts to be used to build up the body - but not all of this are visible and seemingly rewarded in this life. Instead of being what He wants us to be (working hard on conforming to His word and using our spiritual gifts as they have been given), do we try to get His attention by doing visible things to show our devotion and service?
My best example is set up and breakdown at church. Every Sunday, a small team of men arrives early and stays late, bringing up the music equipment and setting up the class rooms and then bringing everything back down. There is a small faithful core that comes every week to do this. It is a critical task to the operation of the church - yet seemingly invisible, largely unrecognized and unrewarded. By their silent, faithful service these men are using the gifts and faith God gave them - lifting and moving, and the heart of a servant - to build up and support the church. They are serving God by doing what He has given them to do, rather than promoting themselves as "good Christians".
God gives us all the tenacity and faithfulness to serve where we are, with what gifts He has given us.
How wrong I was. As it turns out, the dogs were the bigger issues than the kids...
What I observed, up to this point (Sunday afternoon, where both have blissfully collapsed into slumber), was the interaction between the two: partially playing, but partially interacting to see who was the top dog; the jawing/sniffing/runaround to get the advantage on the other one. What I also noticed was that Syrah became jealous unless I first pet her and then moved to Bandit, who was very eager to please with literally her whole body wagging.
It hit me this morning: Isn't this how we act towards each other? Each of us, in our own way, trying to be "Top Dog" to God? Look at any church body or any church meeting (ever watch the dynamics of before and after church, or a men's breakfast?) and you'll see what I mean: sometimes in subtle, even unconscious ways, we try to "prove" to God that we are more into serving Him than others.
I wonder if God looks on the church with the same frustration that I look upon the dogs. He loves all His children in the church, but we are trying to clamber over each other to get His attention. He has created each of us with spiritual gifts to be used to build up the body - but not all of this are visible and seemingly rewarded in this life. Instead of being what He wants us to be (working hard on conforming to His word and using our spiritual gifts as they have been given), do we try to get His attention by doing visible things to show our devotion and service?
My best example is set up and breakdown at church. Every Sunday, a small team of men arrives early and stays late, bringing up the music equipment and setting up the class rooms and then bringing everything back down. There is a small faithful core that comes every week to do this. It is a critical task to the operation of the church - yet seemingly invisible, largely unrecognized and unrewarded. By their silent, faithful service these men are using the gifts and faith God gave them - lifting and moving, and the heart of a servant - to build up and support the church. They are serving God by doing what He has given them to do, rather than promoting themselves as "good Christians".
God gives us all the tenacity and faithfulness to serve where we are, with what gifts He has given us.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
It's all about me!
I was impacted yesterday by the thought of dying to self.
It happened innocently enough at work - doing some minor work on some document, essentially word processing, when the thought drifted through my head about checking something out online for just a second. No, I decided, I needed to finish this, even though it was mind numbingly dull.
And then the thought plastered itself on my mind: this is what it means to die to self.
We tend to think of dying to self in big ways, grand deeds, giving up things - and yes, this is part of it, but perhaps not the core of it. It is relatively simple (I won't say easy, as it often is not) to give up a big thing, get support for it, and move on from it. But it occurs to me that when Christ says "Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me" it's not only the big areas but also the smaller ones.
And the smaller ones are more difficult. Why? Because they are often much more things that we only know about, the small and secret things of our lives that it does not feel like doing them or not doing them makes a difference to anyone. It makes no significant difference to anyone else if I choosing to work on a document for another five minutes and complete it rather than do my impulse of looking up something online - but it does impact my both my slothfulness and denial of self, and so is important to God.
If I then apply this standard to my life retrospectively (never a fun task, handle with caution) I realize that much of what I could have done, for Christ or in terms of goals, was constantly set aside for the goal of pleasing myself right now. In particular I think of one girl I dated after college (foolishly, she live halfway across the country) - I could never understand how the goals she had set for herself trumped a dating relationship - after all, this was love! But now, I see that in fact the pleasure of satisfying self (shall we call it the ugly term self gratification) was secondary to the achievement of the things that to her really mattered.
In other words, our selfishness prevents us from truly focusing on what is important. This is part of what Christ is trying to protect us from when He calls on us to deny ourselves.
Think of it - God has given us the opportunity, through saving faith in His son, to live with Him eternally in a place far beyond anything we can possible imagine. Furthermore, He has given us the capability of doing good deeds not that save us but for which He will reward us - and yet, we are far more concerned about making ourselves happy now.
In that sense, death to self can mean not necessarily the drastic "I must die to everything" but the far more insidious "I must die to pleasing myself right now."
For me, it will have to start small - even as small as five minute intervals or denying myself one more small thing - but every stronghold that I hold onto, every right I cling to as mine, everything that is directed toward pleasing myself right now is one more thing that neither brings glory to God nor will be rewarded in eternity.
It happened innocently enough at work - doing some minor work on some document, essentially word processing, when the thought drifted through my head about checking something out online for just a second. No, I decided, I needed to finish this, even though it was mind numbingly dull.
And then the thought plastered itself on my mind: this is what it means to die to self.
We tend to think of dying to self in big ways, grand deeds, giving up things - and yes, this is part of it, but perhaps not the core of it. It is relatively simple (I won't say easy, as it often is not) to give up a big thing, get support for it, and move on from it. But it occurs to me that when Christ says "Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me" it's not only the big areas but also the smaller ones.
And the smaller ones are more difficult. Why? Because they are often much more things that we only know about, the small and secret things of our lives that it does not feel like doing them or not doing them makes a difference to anyone. It makes no significant difference to anyone else if I choosing to work on a document for another five minutes and complete it rather than do my impulse of looking up something online - but it does impact my both my slothfulness and denial of self, and so is important to God.
If I then apply this standard to my life retrospectively (never a fun task, handle with caution) I realize that much of what I could have done, for Christ or in terms of goals, was constantly set aside for the goal of pleasing myself right now. In particular I think of one girl I dated after college (foolishly, she live halfway across the country) - I could never understand how the goals she had set for herself trumped a dating relationship - after all, this was love! But now, I see that in fact the pleasure of satisfying self (shall we call it the ugly term self gratification) was secondary to the achievement of the things that to her really mattered.
In other words, our selfishness prevents us from truly focusing on what is important. This is part of what Christ is trying to protect us from when He calls on us to deny ourselves.
Think of it - God has given us the opportunity, through saving faith in His son, to live with Him eternally in a place far beyond anything we can possible imagine. Furthermore, He has given us the capability of doing good deeds not that save us but for which He will reward us - and yet, we are far more concerned about making ourselves happy now.
In that sense, death to self can mean not necessarily the drastic "I must die to everything" but the far more insidious "I must die to pleasing myself right now."
For me, it will have to start small - even as small as five minute intervals or denying myself one more small thing - but every stronghold that I hold onto, every right I cling to as mine, everything that is directed toward pleasing myself right now is one more thing that neither brings glory to God nor will be rewarded in eternity.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Ukiyo-e
Miyamoto no Yoshitsune (right, 1159-1189) and Saito Mushishibo Benkei (Left, 1155-1189) viewing cherry blossoms. Painting by Yoshitoshi Tsukioka (1839-1892).
Ministry
I have been doing some soul searching over the last two weeks. The point? What am I doing in regards to the ministry I believe God has given me?
I make note of the fact "I believe". I think we can believe a great many things about God that He never said, or that He never did.
To wit: At one time, I had a great belief that I was meant to go into the ministry. At that time, I belonged to a denomination that had a series of interviews that one advanced through, including a psychological exam, to demonstrate fitness. Over a 6 year process, at the end, it was found that based on my psychological test, I was not within the "butterfly pattern" of the traditional pastor
(An amusing sidebar to this story is, of course, that based on their beliefs today, I would never have been happy in that denomination...)
The odd thing is, when I look back, I don't know when I felt "called", although I know a number of people that said "you should". The other thing is that at that time, if I felt called, I certainly did not live like it, and in fact did my best not to do so.
It hit me about two weeks ago that rather than continue to carry around this dream? ambition? that is seemingly beyond my ability to do anything - lets be honest, I'm not going to drop out work now to go to seminary - what are the ministries that I am involved in or can do right now?
Music, for one. I sing on the worship team weekly and have a bit of musical ability - but when was the last time I worked on developing it? Writing like this as well - maybe never a book, but as Am Polleanach has said, who knows who reads this? Teaching - when was the last time I lead my family in a Bible time, or prayed with my wife (there's a scary one!), or used the opportunity of my small but faithful faith group?
My point is that God has given us all an area of ministry, maybe not the one we thought or initially wanted, but the one that is best for His glory and our purposes. I also had to remind myself this week (repeatedly) that we are His creation, His tools: if He puts one up on a shelf to grab another more fit for the purpose, it is no business of ours. We, as tools of the Master, are here to glorify Him, not our own toolness. We celebrate the master craftsman or artist who uses tools to create, not the tools themselves for being used.
Unfortunately, unlike tools, we are far more prone to taking the credit due the Craftsman...
I make note of the fact "I believe". I think we can believe a great many things about God that He never said, or that He never did.
To wit: At one time, I had a great belief that I was meant to go into the ministry. At that time, I belonged to a denomination that had a series of interviews that one advanced through, including a psychological exam, to demonstrate fitness. Over a 6 year process, at the end, it was found that based on my psychological test, I was not within the "butterfly pattern" of the traditional pastor
(An amusing sidebar to this story is, of course, that based on their beliefs today, I would never have been happy in that denomination...)
The odd thing is, when I look back, I don't know when I felt "called", although I know a number of people that said "you should". The other thing is that at that time, if I felt called, I certainly did not live like it, and in fact did my best not to do so.
It hit me about two weeks ago that rather than continue to carry around this dream? ambition? that is seemingly beyond my ability to do anything - lets be honest, I'm not going to drop out work now to go to seminary - what are the ministries that I am involved in or can do right now?
Music, for one. I sing on the worship team weekly and have a bit of musical ability - but when was the last time I worked on developing it? Writing like this as well - maybe never a book, but as Am Polleanach has said, who knows who reads this? Teaching - when was the last time I lead my family in a Bible time, or prayed with my wife (there's a scary one!), or used the opportunity of my small but faithful faith group?
My point is that God has given us all an area of ministry, maybe not the one we thought or initially wanted, but the one that is best for His glory and our purposes. I also had to remind myself this week (repeatedly) that we are His creation, His tools: if He puts one up on a shelf to grab another more fit for the purpose, it is no business of ours. We, as tools of the Master, are here to glorify Him, not our own toolness. We celebrate the master craftsman or artist who uses tools to create, not the tools themselves for being used.
Unfortunately, unlike tools, we are far more prone to taking the credit due the Craftsman...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Turning away
There are times in life when your life is like the entry in a blog, blank, the cursor blinking, just waiting for you to start an entry.
There are times in life when you think you need to write, even though you're not really in the mood and not really sure what to write about.
There is a time when the silence of the soul becomes so deafening that the sheer act of trying to distract one's self seems as a sort of self immolation, trying to distract the thought that is hovering at the edge of the conscience that will not seemingly appear.
How odd, this. There is something that I am turning away from - yet I cannot truly tell you what it is. Only that perhaps subconsciously, I am doing everything in my power to distract myself from it.
It damns me, almost. What is this thing that I will not see or hear? I know God is trying to bring it to my attention even as I try valiantly to submerge it beneath waves of not feeling like doing anything or doing anything but that.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
There are times in life when you think you need to write, even though you're not really in the mood and not really sure what to write about.
There is a time when the silence of the soul becomes so deafening that the sheer act of trying to distract one's self seems as a sort of self immolation, trying to distract the thought that is hovering at the edge of the conscience that will not seemingly appear.
How odd, this. There is something that I am turning away from - yet I cannot truly tell you what it is. Only that perhaps subconsciously, I am doing everything in my power to distract myself from it.
It damns me, almost. What is this thing that I will not see or hear? I know God is trying to bring it to my attention even as I try valiantly to submerge it beneath waves of not feeling like doing anything or doing anything but that.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
Monday, September 15, 2008
Technology is a wonderful thing
So it is far, far too early this morning, and I find myself in the local municipal airport. When I arrived, I was (pleasantly) surprised to find that the airport now offers free wireless Internet access.
What a change. Four years ago, when I first start with The Firm and a laptop, one paid a not insubstantial fee for limited use at the airport. You did it, of course, because that is what you needed to do.
The next step up (at my last jog) was the service, where the company paid for access for a number of hubs throughout airports and cities. Cheaper overall, I'm sure, but still, I (or the company) had to pay. An interesting subversion of this was that ATT/Yahoo also allowed me access through any Starbuck's - at one point, I was doing a work related trip completely out of Starbuck's, because that was where the access was.
And now, here I sit, typing away for free.
An interesting (and for me, within my lifetime) example of the democratizing principles of technology. At first, it is hard to come by, expensive, and and exclusive. Then, as technology becomes more advanced and produced more frequently, the cost goes down and access goes up. Finally, we reach the point where it becomes inexpensive (and available) to many.
Now, if we could only get more free coffee....
What a change. Four years ago, when I first start with The Firm and a laptop, one paid a not insubstantial fee for limited use at the airport. You did it, of course, because that is what you needed to do.
The next step up (at my last jog) was the service, where the company paid for access for a number of hubs throughout airports and cities. Cheaper overall, I'm sure, but still, I (or the company) had to pay. An interesting subversion of this was that ATT/Yahoo also allowed me access through any Starbuck's - at one point, I was doing a work related trip completely out of Starbuck's, because that was where the access was.
And now, here I sit, typing away for free.
An interesting (and for me, within my lifetime) example of the democratizing principles of technology. At first, it is hard to come by, expensive, and and exclusive. Then, as technology becomes more advanced and produced more frequently, the cost goes down and access goes up. Finally, we reach the point where it becomes inexpensive (and available) to many.
Now, if we could only get more free coffee....
Thursday, September 11, 2008
No King over Us
As part of my driving to work yesterday, I listened to my daily part of the Audio Bible on CD. Part of yesterday's listening was 1 Samuel 8, where the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king. The two parts that stuck out in my mind were, first, vv. 7-8 "And the LORD said to Samuel 'Heed the voice of the people in all that they say to you; for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them. According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt, even to this day - with which they have forsaken Me and served other gods - so they are also doing to you.'"; secondly vv. 19-20 "Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said 'No, but we will have a king over us that we also may be like all the nations and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.'"
The thing that sank into me as I pondered this was "How could the Israelites do this? They had God as their king, God to fight for them. God pledged Himself to their physical aid in a way never done to any other people. He promised to hear them and lead them, if only they obeyed His voice." The accompanying text from my study bible (John MacArthur) confirmed this "The problem was not in having a king but rather the reason the people wanted a king i.e., to be like other nations. They also foolishly assumed there would be some greater power in a king leading them into battle (p. 389)." But instead, seeing everyone around them, they wanted to be "just like them."
Pondering this a bit further, the though occurred to me (as it always seems to) "How am I different from them? Really?" Certainly, I'm not in the streets asking for a new ruler, but if I am a child of God and an heir of the kingdom, who else's authority and teaching do I constantly try to put myself under?
I ask this of myself because I am a great believer in books and reading - if I can read it, I can do it. The part that I am questioning is those books I go to for success in living or life. I go to them because I am looking for a better way to be successful, perhaps even to indulge my sins (greed, covetousness) under the banner of Being Better for God.
Is there anything inherently wrong with most of the genre? Not in and of themselves, although many of them seem to have a rather flawed spiritual view. Certainly, I have learned useful organizational tools from them.
But if I am honest, that's not only reason I go. I go because I desperately want the secret, the one thing, the idea that will push me over the top and make me successful. Heaven forfend I should go to God about this - not only are the things sometimes hard to get out of it (Proverbs 6:6-11 has a fine discussion of planning ahead (scheduling) and diligence, but you actually have think about it and there's no handy graph), but that I immediately expose myself to His goals and His authority, which is certainly not what my self love desires.
In a sense, I realized, every time I go somewhere else to seek guidance on life and living, I am telling the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the One who loved us so much that He gave His only son to die for us - that God; I am telling Him "I don't want you to be King over my life."
Oh, I want the salvation. I want to be saved from my sin, to go to Heaven, maybe even to become more Christlike if it improves my life. But how shallow is all that?
It's not that we don't have the weapons of victory in our hands, it's that we fail to pull them out of the sheaths and use them.
The thing that sank into me as I pondered this was "How could the Israelites do this? They had God as their king, God to fight for them. God pledged Himself to their physical aid in a way never done to any other people. He promised to hear them and lead them, if only they obeyed His voice." The accompanying text from my study bible (John MacArthur) confirmed this "The problem was not in having a king but rather the reason the people wanted a king i.e., to be like other nations. They also foolishly assumed there would be some greater power in a king leading them into battle (p. 389)." But instead, seeing everyone around them, they wanted to be "just like them."
Pondering this a bit further, the though occurred to me (as it always seems to) "How am I different from them? Really?" Certainly, I'm not in the streets asking for a new ruler, but if I am a child of God and an heir of the kingdom, who else's authority and teaching do I constantly try to put myself under?
I ask this of myself because I am a great believer in books and reading - if I can read it, I can do it. The part that I am questioning is those books I go to for success in living or life. I go to them because I am looking for a better way to be successful, perhaps even to indulge my sins (greed, covetousness) under the banner of Being Better for God.
Is there anything inherently wrong with most of the genre? Not in and of themselves, although many of them seem to have a rather flawed spiritual view. Certainly, I have learned useful organizational tools from them.
But if I am honest, that's not only reason I go. I go because I desperately want the secret, the one thing, the idea that will push me over the top and make me successful. Heaven forfend I should go to God about this - not only are the things sometimes hard to get out of it (Proverbs 6:6-11 has a fine discussion of planning ahead (scheduling) and diligence, but you actually have think about it and there's no handy graph), but that I immediately expose myself to His goals and His authority, which is certainly not what my self love desires.
In a sense, I realized, every time I go somewhere else to seek guidance on life and living, I am telling the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the One who loved us so much that He gave His only son to die for us - that God; I am telling Him "I don't want you to be King over my life."
Oh, I want the salvation. I want to be saved from my sin, to go to Heaven, maybe even to become more Christlike if it improves my life. But how shallow is all that?
It's not that we don't have the weapons of victory in our hands, it's that we fail to pull them out of the sheaths and use them.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
That Horrible SPLAT sound your hear...
...is the sound of my hopes hitting reality.
I had a conversation with a coworker this morning. My company had a meeting in front of a government agency this morning - a sort of non-binding "Go/No Go" vote - for which I had attended and he had not. I was relating to him in my broken, non-technical way what I understood the decision.
"Well that's good" he said is his slightly Southern drawl that I can't quite place. "This is kind of the last shot on goal for us."
The universe briefly stopped while I rearranged my reality.
One knows this, of course, in coming to a start up - and I've been to more than one. It's just the hearing of it in such stark terms that makes things so darn alarming.
I wouldn't mind so much, but within a week my industry has gotten notice that two employers in my greater geographical area are selling/closing down their plants, potentially affecting 1500 individuals. Yes, it's a good industry to be in, but there are not that many jobs in this area.
It's a wonderful thing to focus the mind.
How do we have? Originally they told me through the end of 2009, barring anything odd happening. That's about a year.
It's good to keep reality in mind.
I had a conversation with a coworker this morning. My company had a meeting in front of a government agency this morning - a sort of non-binding "Go/No Go" vote - for which I had attended and he had not. I was relating to him in my broken, non-technical way what I understood the decision.
"Well that's good" he said is his slightly Southern drawl that I can't quite place. "This is kind of the last shot on goal for us."
The universe briefly stopped while I rearranged my reality.
One knows this, of course, in coming to a start up - and I've been to more than one. It's just the hearing of it in such stark terms that makes things so darn alarming.
I wouldn't mind so much, but within a week my industry has gotten notice that two employers in my greater geographical area are selling/closing down their plants, potentially affecting 1500 individuals. Yes, it's a good industry to be in, but there are not that many jobs in this area.
It's a wonderful thing to focus the mind.
How do we have? Originally they told me through the end of 2009, barring anything odd happening. That's about a year.
It's good to keep reality in mind.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Soybeans
Tonight I harvested my soybeans. Most of the pods have gone the golden brown of harvest, and the pods themselves rattle in the wind as you pull them off the stalk. I had never grown soybeans until two years ago, and found the experience delightful. I like them as edamame, as slowly drying and slightly chewy, and even as dried.
The disappointing part this year is that I did not get that many.
Why? Because my careful allocate rows were overcome by the pumpkin I planted, which overran everything. Part of it is my fault - when I got the pumpkin and planted it, I though I could control the growth. I had no idea it would be so productive.
Actually, the other part is my fault as well. I had a plan for my garden, and I ignored it. The pumpkin was a late addition, something I had not originally planned, and it got up and over everything - my cucumbers, beans, tomatoes, and peppers all suffered because of it.
It reminds me, just as in life, how little things -especially the unplanned, last minute things that we suddenly let in over part of our plan -can overwhelm our life. Sin especially, but even things that are good but are not best - if not rooted out and ignored, they can have a vegetative growth in our lives effect, crowding out the things that are good and shading them to the point that they are stunted and die.
Next year, if I grow a pumpkin, it will be on a trellis, and away from the garden. If only I can remember to trellis the other things in my life as well...
The disappointing part this year is that I did not get that many.
Why? Because my careful allocate rows were overcome by the pumpkin I planted, which overran everything. Part of it is my fault - when I got the pumpkin and planted it, I though I could control the growth. I had no idea it would be so productive.
Actually, the other part is my fault as well. I had a plan for my garden, and I ignored it. The pumpkin was a late addition, something I had not originally planned, and it got up and over everything - my cucumbers, beans, tomatoes, and peppers all suffered because of it.
It reminds me, just as in life, how little things -especially the unplanned, last minute things that we suddenly let in over part of our plan -can overwhelm our life. Sin especially, but even things that are good but are not best - if not rooted out and ignored, they can have a vegetative growth in our lives effect, crowding out the things that are good and shading them to the point that they are stunted and die.
Next year, if I grow a pumpkin, it will be on a trellis, and away from the garden. If only I can remember to trellis the other things in my life as well...
Monday, September 08, 2008
Honey Harvest 2008
This weekend we pulled the honey off our hive. It was a bittersweet experience, because I think the hive has lost it's queen. It may be trying to requeen, or maybe not - either way, I'll have to do something. So in a sense, the honey that we took may be existing beyond the life of the bees.
We got fourteen 12 oz. jars and 2.5 10 oz jars, about 10.5 lbs., which is probably more than enough to last us the year and then some (we still have the 2006 vintage!). This honey is a warm golden color, not like the 2006 which was a much darker gold color, almost opaque. This year's is a lovely translucent gold that you can see through in the bottle.
I also understand, as I related to my niece as she was helping, that I felt a bit like Pooh Bear: I was sticky all over my hands, licking it off, then wiping my hands, and then inevitably getting more on them!
I like honey. I like bees. There is just something about the process, watching them throughout the summer, getting the honey out and packaging it, then knowing that it is there to eat. It's not quite animal husbandry - if everything goes right, the bees are pretty self sufficient - but it's the next best thing.
Now, if we could just keep them alive through the winter...
We got fourteen 12 oz. jars and 2.5 10 oz jars, about 10.5 lbs., which is probably more than enough to last us the year and then some (we still have the 2006 vintage!). This honey is a warm golden color, not like the 2006 which was a much darker gold color, almost opaque. This year's is a lovely translucent gold that you can see through in the bottle.
I also understand, as I related to my niece as she was helping, that I felt a bit like Pooh Bear: I was sticky all over my hands, licking it off, then wiping my hands, and then inevitably getting more on them!
I like honey. I like bees. There is just something about the process, watching them throughout the summer, getting the honey out and packaging it, then knowing that it is there to eat. It's not quite animal husbandry - if everything goes right, the bees are pretty self sufficient - but it's the next best thing.
Now, if we could just keep them alive through the winter...
Golden Morning
We have reached the part of the year where the sun is rising later and later - and thankfully, so am I. As I sit her this morning, looking out the side window of the house, the sky appears as almost a golden white with no blue, the precursor of the sun's coming.
In a conscious effort not to look, I've not actually stood up and looked over the fence - it would spoil the effect of the moment. It is the anticipation of the thing that is producing the mystery and the beauty, not the thing itself. Sunrises I've seen. This, I don't know that I have.
Or have I? One of the terrible things (among many terrible things) about the world of commuting is that we come to ignore most things like this. Part of it, I'm sure, is a simple survival instinct (Look at the sunrise, hit the car in front of you). For three years I made a drive through 30 miles of vineyards and cattle ranges. I saw some things of surpassing beauty - but I bet I missed a thousand more through the sheer need to drive and survive.
We do this every day with our friends, our coworkers, our children, our pets - letting the small snatches of beauty get stolen away from us in the rush of doing the things we think we need to do. If God is that still small voice, how often do we rush over Him as well in the hustle of doing "needful" things?
P.S. Vintage Chick has an excellent post on this matter which is far better. It is here. You should go see it. Now.
Okay. Stop reading this. Go there.
In a conscious effort not to look, I've not actually stood up and looked over the fence - it would spoil the effect of the moment. It is the anticipation of the thing that is producing the mystery and the beauty, not the thing itself. Sunrises I've seen. This, I don't know that I have.
Or have I? One of the terrible things (among many terrible things) about the world of commuting is that we come to ignore most things like this. Part of it, I'm sure, is a simple survival instinct (Look at the sunrise, hit the car in front of you). For three years I made a drive through 30 miles of vineyards and cattle ranges. I saw some things of surpassing beauty - but I bet I missed a thousand more through the sheer need to drive and survive.
We do this every day with our friends, our coworkers, our children, our pets - letting the small snatches of beauty get stolen away from us in the rush of doing the things we think we need to do. If God is that still small voice, how often do we rush over Him as well in the hustle of doing "needful" things?
P.S. Vintage Chick has an excellent post on this matter which is far better. It is here. You should go see it. Now.
Okay. Stop reading this. Go there.
Kleenex and patience
God is teaching us patience.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB has been sick for almost three weeks now, since the middle of August. At first, she acquired Nighean dhonn's strep throat, which she managed to get over after a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics. She seemed on the road to recovery when she then contracted another cold, which turned into a cough, which is what she currently has right now. Originally a bit annoying, it sounds (to me) like it is building back up to something.
For her, it is frustrating: she always seems to get sick in the fall, always about this time, always seriously. This year, she tried to avoid it by consciously taking vitamins (including echinacea, and large doses of vitamin C) and getting rest - all to no avail. She hates to be sick, has a great deal to do, and is just miserable.
For myself, I want my wife to be back healthy. I don't handle other sick people well, especially when it does not fit into my plans. I tend to think "Sick? Then rest and get better!" The problem is that that theory does not work for everybody. I'm even willing to ride the "Let's be a helper" train - but not, it seems, for over three weeks.
It makes me reflect on the difficulty that those who care for loved ones who are chronically ill, or those who are chronically ill, go through. What would it be like to know someone is ill and they will not ever be getting better? Especially if the illness affects not only their physical health, but their mental and emotional being as well, perhaps becoming a different person than the one we originally knew? - because, if you've even been around someone with a long cold, you know how the physical suffering influences their outlook, personality, and emotions.
In a way, I suppose it is lamentable that we have struck "In sickness and in health" from many of our wedding ceremonies. Sickness and health are two conditions that marriage partners face each day - you're sick or you're healthy. The interaction of the two, especially when one is sick and the other is not, is another mechanism that God uses to grow us, especially in patience, self-control, caring, self-sacrifice, and love.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB has been sick for almost three weeks now, since the middle of August. At first, she acquired Nighean dhonn's strep throat, which she managed to get over after a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics. She seemed on the road to recovery when she then contracted another cold, which turned into a cough, which is what she currently has right now. Originally a bit annoying, it sounds (to me) like it is building back up to something.
For her, it is frustrating: she always seems to get sick in the fall, always about this time, always seriously. This year, she tried to avoid it by consciously taking vitamins (including echinacea, and large doses of vitamin C) and getting rest - all to no avail. She hates to be sick, has a great deal to do, and is just miserable.
For myself, I want my wife to be back healthy. I don't handle other sick people well, especially when it does not fit into my plans. I tend to think "Sick? Then rest and get better!" The problem is that that theory does not work for everybody. I'm even willing to ride the "Let's be a helper" train - but not, it seems, for over three weeks.
It makes me reflect on the difficulty that those who care for loved ones who are chronically ill, or those who are chronically ill, go through. What would it be like to know someone is ill and they will not ever be getting better? Especially if the illness affects not only their physical health, but their mental and emotional being as well, perhaps becoming a different person than the one we originally knew? - because, if you've even been around someone with a long cold, you know how the physical suffering influences their outlook, personality, and emotions.
In a way, I suppose it is lamentable that we have struck "In sickness and in health" from many of our wedding ceremonies. Sickness and health are two conditions that marriage partners face each day - you're sick or you're healthy. The interaction of the two, especially when one is sick and the other is not, is another mechanism that God uses to grow us, especially in patience, self-control, caring, self-sacrifice, and love.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Time keeps on slipping...
So this is the end of week two at my new job. I've made a discovery of sorts - that really, I don't have any more time.
Simply put, all the time there is is all the time there is. It is not necessarily a bad thing - it is just a fact.
Realistically put, there is only a finite amount anyone can do. We all work, we all have to sleep, we all have to spend time with the loved ones in our life. After all this, then, is the time we call "ours".
What I've found (and this will come as a shock to no-one who knows me) is that I was stealing time from myself - in my case, through lack of sleep. With the new job, I'm actually doing a little less time at work - 11 hours including commute - but I'm getting more time in sleep (a regular 7-7.5 hours). The thing I'm working on is not cheating my body of the rest or my family of the time that they need.
The upshot? I really don't have as much time as I felt I should have. Not my fault - a simple function of temporal actions.
So there is a finite limit to what I can do. Now I need to figure out, based on what God has given me to do and the talents/gifts He's blessed me with, what is important.
Simply put, all the time there is is all the time there is. It is not necessarily a bad thing - it is just a fact.
Realistically put, there is only a finite amount anyone can do. We all work, we all have to sleep, we all have to spend time with the loved ones in our life. After all this, then, is the time we call "ours".
What I've found (and this will come as a shock to no-one who knows me) is that I was stealing time from myself - in my case, through lack of sleep. With the new job, I'm actually doing a little less time at work - 11 hours including commute - but I'm getting more time in sleep (a regular 7-7.5 hours). The thing I'm working on is not cheating my body of the rest or my family of the time that they need.
The upshot? I really don't have as much time as I felt I should have. Not my fault - a simple function of temporal actions.
So there is a finite limit to what I can do. Now I need to figure out, based on what God has given me to do and the talents/gifts He's blessed me with, what is important.
Seek ye first Part II
Yesterday I had the rare opportunity of practicing what I wrote about in the same day.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB called me around 11 AM - she was at Costco, and the truck had a green puddle under it. My first reaction was "Oh NO - Another radiator leak" after the pain of the Escort and it's $900 repair. I was already upset.
And then I had a choice: do I worry about this (worry being a sin, of course) or do I not worry, trust God, and move on?
I chose to move on.
There is no great spiritual lesson here - I didn't suddenly have a mystical "Seeking the Kingdom" experience or anything of that nature. Just a conscious, obedient decision not to worry.
The upshot? I looked at it last night - turns out a loose hose from the radiator to the reserve tank, easily fixed.
Go figure...
The Ravishing Mrs. TB called me around 11 AM - she was at Costco, and the truck had a green puddle under it. My first reaction was "Oh NO - Another radiator leak" after the pain of the Escort and it's $900 repair. I was already upset.
And then I had a choice: do I worry about this (worry being a sin, of course) or do I not worry, trust God, and move on?
I chose to move on.
There is no great spiritual lesson here - I didn't suddenly have a mystical "Seeking the Kingdom" experience or anything of that nature. Just a conscious, obedient decision not to worry.
The upshot? I looked at it last night - turns out a loose hose from the radiator to the reserve tank, easily fixed.
Go figure...
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Seek ye first
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."- Matthew 6: 33
So peeling off from yesterday's discussion in terms of purpose and doing, perhaps I'll start with those things that Christ Himself said. Today's verse comes from the Sermon on the Mount, where Christ is discussing the various attitudes that will be true of Christians, and that obeying God is a matter of the heart as much as it is a matter of outward actions. The verse above comes at the end of the discussion concerning serving a master - either God or mammon (money). The comparison is made between unbelievers, who seek after money ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?") and the followers of Christ, who are apparently to do something else.
What? Certainly not go naked and hungry through a lack of attention! -Christ says that their Father in heaven knows that they have need of "all these things". But in counter to the question of seeking these things, of serving money (by extension, I suppose, the world and all our own "empire building"), we are seek the Kingdom of God and God's righteous."
In seeking, we are looking for something diligently to find it. In this case, the Kingdom of God - which, God says elsewhere, is not found in eating and drinking but in righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). We are additionally to seek the righteousness of God - as found in God's son Jesus Christ, the offering for our sin, and therefore our salvation.
Do I seek Christ as my salvation daily - to the extent that I am not concerned about more mundane things (concerned to the point of worry)? How does what I perceive I should be doing in my life, about my goals, relate to seeking the kingdom of God (righteousness, peace, joy) and Christ? Are they building up His kingdom, or mine?
So peeling off from yesterday's discussion in terms of purpose and doing, perhaps I'll start with those things that Christ Himself said. Today's verse comes from the Sermon on the Mount, where Christ is discussing the various attitudes that will be true of Christians, and that obeying God is a matter of the heart as much as it is a matter of outward actions. The verse above comes at the end of the discussion concerning serving a master - either God or mammon (money). The comparison is made between unbelievers, who seek after money ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?") and the followers of Christ, who are apparently to do something else.
What? Certainly not go naked and hungry through a lack of attention! -Christ says that their Father in heaven knows that they have need of "all these things". But in counter to the question of seeking these things, of serving money (by extension, I suppose, the world and all our own "empire building"), we are seek the Kingdom of God and God's righteous."
In seeking, we are looking for something diligently to find it. In this case, the Kingdom of God - which, God says elsewhere, is not found in eating and drinking but in righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). We are additionally to seek the righteousness of God - as found in God's son Jesus Christ, the offering for our sin, and therefore our salvation.
Do I seek Christ as my salvation daily - to the extent that I am not concerned about more mundane things (concerned to the point of worry)? How does what I perceive I should be doing in my life, about my goals, relate to seeking the kingdom of God (righteousness, peace, joy) and Christ? Are they building up His kingdom, or mine?
Autumn
Sigh. It has been pointed out to me by Buttercup that I am somewhat too depressing of late, and I need to write something more "happy"...
So Autumn is here. I know it's not officially here, that we have another month or two of warm weather. But if you're a gardener, you know. The pumpkin and bean plants are starting to die off, and larger swaths of the garden are becoming bare earth, awaiting either the covering of fall grass for the the winter or seed coverage for the winter crops. Meanwhile, the fall produce of the garden - beans, pumpkins, dried corn - are preparing themselves for harvest.
It's a good time as a gardener as well because it is a re-energizing time. During the late summer, I become a little complacent: either the garden is producing or not, and either way I can't do anything like plant (kill current plants). Now I can begin to see the start of the next season, get out my seed catalogues and dream, rearrange the garden to hopefully be better put together and more productive next time.
The autumn sunlight hasn't come yet - that slightly hazy, faded feeling that indicates that fall is really here - but it's coming...
So Autumn is here. I know it's not officially here, that we have another month or two of warm weather. But if you're a gardener, you know. The pumpkin and bean plants are starting to die off, and larger swaths of the garden are becoming bare earth, awaiting either the covering of fall grass for the the winter or seed coverage for the winter crops. Meanwhile, the fall produce of the garden - beans, pumpkins, dried corn - are preparing themselves for harvest.
It's a good time as a gardener as well because it is a re-energizing time. During the late summer, I become a little complacent: either the garden is producing or not, and either way I can't do anything like plant (kill current plants). Now I can begin to see the start of the next season, get out my seed catalogues and dream, rearrange the garden to hopefully be better put together and more productive next time.
The autumn sunlight hasn't come yet - that slightly hazy, faded feeling that indicates that fall is really here - but it's coming...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Dissatisfaction
It was pointed out to me yesterday by Am Poleanneach that part of my feelings of inertia may stem from my own dissatisfaction with myself.
The thing is a fait accompli. Dissatisfied with myself - of course I'm dissatisfied with myself; it's almost as instinctive as breathing. But why am I dissatisfied with myself?
Because I feel like I am not living up to the potential and gifts that God has given me and expects of me. If I think about it, going back a long time, there is a sense within myself that I should be doing "great things" and that I am not. I'm not really sure what those "great things" are, just that I am not doing them.
If I work, it's never enough nor do I accomplish everything I should. At home, I should be doing and completing 15 different things, and to let one go is to not use my skills and gifts to the utmost.
My fear, as I have said for many years, is to be that servant in Matthew 25: 14-30 which, when his master returned and it was revealed that he had hid his talent rather than use it productively, heard from his master "And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness" instead of "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a little; enter thou into the joy of thy Master."
But is that the equivalent of being constantly dissatisfied? That is certainly not pleasing to God.
Or even deeper: is my depth of the knowledge of my own sins and failings such that I feel crushed, and it magnifies in my own my mind everything I could have done, but didn't because of that sin and failure? Are lost opportunities more real to me than the possibilities granted by God which remain? Am I so focused on the 1st half of the game and my failures to realize there's still a second half?
The thing is a fait accompli. Dissatisfied with myself - of course I'm dissatisfied with myself; it's almost as instinctive as breathing. But why am I dissatisfied with myself?
Because I feel like I am not living up to the potential and gifts that God has given me and expects of me. If I think about it, going back a long time, there is a sense within myself that I should be doing "great things" and that I am not. I'm not really sure what those "great things" are, just that I am not doing them.
If I work, it's never enough nor do I accomplish everything I should. At home, I should be doing and completing 15 different things, and to let one go is to not use my skills and gifts to the utmost.
My fear, as I have said for many years, is to be that servant in Matthew 25: 14-30 which, when his master returned and it was revealed that he had hid his talent rather than use it productively, heard from his master "And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness" instead of "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a little; enter thou into the joy of thy Master."
But is that the equivalent of being constantly dissatisfied? That is certainly not pleasing to God.
Or even deeper: is my depth of the knowledge of my own sins and failings such that I feel crushed, and it magnifies in my own my mind everything I could have done, but didn't because of that sin and failure? Are lost opportunities more real to me than the possibilities granted by God which remain? Am I so focused on the 1st half of the game and my failures to realize there's still a second half?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
A Little Change...
...will not, as the song says, do you good - or at least feel like it.
The last two week have been an amazing observation in self discomfort. Frankly put, I am out of sorts. I am physically feeling out of it, even though I have been getting far more sleep than I have in years.
I am spiritually feeling out of it - kind of like a fog that seems to come over me. The Word seems dead, and the heavens seem as brass. Motivating myself to prayer seems like a monumental effort, and once it is accomplished, I've nothing to say.
Intellectually, I'm scattered brained and bored. I can hardly keep my mind to a task, often overwhelmed by a feeling of futility.
I had no idea that change would create this much discomfort in my life.
And then I think "I"m a wimp. If only a job change causes this, what about the people who have real change in their lives?" Have I become so ingrained into my life that such a minor thing as a job change turns my world upside down?
The last two week have been an amazing observation in self discomfort. Frankly put, I am out of sorts. I am physically feeling out of it, even though I have been getting far more sleep than I have in years.
I am spiritually feeling out of it - kind of like a fog that seems to come over me. The Word seems dead, and the heavens seem as brass. Motivating myself to prayer seems like a monumental effort, and once it is accomplished, I've nothing to say.
Intellectually, I'm scattered brained and bored. I can hardly keep my mind to a task, often overwhelmed by a feeling of futility.
I had no idea that change would create this much discomfort in my life.
And then I think "I"m a wimp. If only a job change causes this, what about the people who have real change in their lives?" Have I become so ingrained into my life that such a minor thing as a job change turns my world upside down?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Excellence I
Why do we no longer value excellence in what we do? Could it be that as we are not responsible for the final product, we do not feel our part matters?
A thought, not original with me but with Richard Proenneke of One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey:
"I do think a man has missed a very deep feeling of satisfaction if he never created or at least completed something with his own two hands. We have grown accustomed to work on pieces of things instead of wholes. It is a way of life with us now. The emphasis is on teamwork. I believe this trend bears much of the blame for the loss of pride in one's work, the kind of pride the old craftsman felt when he started a job and finished it and stood back and admired it. How does a man on an assembly line feel any pride in the final product that rolls out at the other end?
I realize that men working together can perform miracles such as sending men to walk on the surface of the moon. There is definitely a need and a place for teamwork, but there is also a need for an individual sometime in his life to forget the world of parts and pieces and put something together on his own - complete something. He's got to create." (pp. 211-212)
A thought, not original with me but with Richard Proenneke of One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey:
"I do think a man has missed a very deep feeling of satisfaction if he never created or at least completed something with his own two hands. We have grown accustomed to work on pieces of things instead of wholes. It is a way of life with us now. The emphasis is on teamwork. I believe this trend bears much of the blame for the loss of pride in one's work, the kind of pride the old craftsman felt when he started a job and finished it and stood back and admired it. How does a man on an assembly line feel any pride in the final product that rolls out at the other end?
I realize that men working together can perform miracles such as sending men to walk on the surface of the moon. There is definitely a need and a place for teamwork, but there is also a need for an individual sometime in his life to forget the world of parts and pieces and put something together on his own - complete something. He's got to create." (pp. 211-212)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Calvin and Hobbes
Nighean gheal has discovered the Calvin and Hobbes' books we have, and has started reading them. Which has started both myself and the Ravishing Mrs. TB re-reading them.
I had honestly forgotten how good they are.
I am not one to read the comics - we have not taken a paper for many years, and even at places I have worked that had them, they were very much limited to scanning the ones that I knew. In many ways, I am still a Peanuts man.
But Bill Watterson (Creator of Calvin and Hobbes) is a genius - not only in his ability to draw, using a spartan eye combined with a lush use of surroundings from time to time, but in his dialogue. He's clever. Reading things again, I realize some of the adult concepts he was introducing into the mouth of Calvin that I might have missed before. There is humor in there for both myself and Nighean gheal.
And, I don't have to worry about any inappropriate material...
I had honestly forgotten how good they are.
I am not one to read the comics - we have not taken a paper for many years, and even at places I have worked that had them, they were very much limited to scanning the ones that I knew. In many ways, I am still a Peanuts man.
But Bill Watterson (Creator of Calvin and Hobbes) is a genius - not only in his ability to draw, using a spartan eye combined with a lush use of surroundings from time to time, but in his dialogue. He's clever. Reading things again, I realize some of the adult concepts he was introducing into the mouth of Calvin that I might have missed before. There is humor in there for both myself and Nighean gheal.
And, I don't have to worry about any inappropriate material...
Detox continues
I had the most unusual experience on a weeknight that I have had in a long time:
I was bored.
I had done the things on my list, the Ravishing Mrs. TB was off to a meeting and Na Clann were in bed, and suddenly I realized I was not motivated to do anything.
The funny thing is, given my new job, having this time is more likely to become the norm rather than the exception.
So now I've got to go back to what I need or want to do.
It was the strangest thing...
I was bored.
I had done the things on my list, the Ravishing Mrs. TB was off to a meeting and Na Clann were in bed, and suddenly I realized I was not motivated to do anything.
The funny thing is, given my new job, having this time is more likely to become the norm rather than the exception.
So now I've got to go back to what I need or want to do.
It was the strangest thing...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
And now, we interrupt your daily surfing for sin...
I was reminded last night how quick the the flesh is to come to the fore.
It was quick: a blip on the computer screen in an innocuous place that led to a momentary thought, which was overwhelmed by the force of raw sin - the equivalent to popping the top off a grease trap and suddenly being overwhelmed by the overpowering odor of used grease.
What it reminded me of what how careful I need to be about not only what goes on in my own mind, but in the minds of my children. If I am truly honest, I already tolerate things like what happened last night but I dishonestly cloak them under excuses that I make for myself. No difference, except what I call it in my mind.
It is also a needed reminder that sin is something that is within us, not just something that is around us - Paul's cry of "O wretched man that I am? Who will deliver me from this body of death?" was never more true (Romans 7:24)
It was quick: a blip on the computer screen in an innocuous place that led to a momentary thought, which was overwhelmed by the force of raw sin - the equivalent to popping the top off a grease trap and suddenly being overwhelmed by the overpowering odor of used grease.
What it reminded me of what how careful I need to be about not only what goes on in my own mind, but in the minds of my children. If I am truly honest, I already tolerate things like what happened last night but I dishonestly cloak them under excuses that I make for myself. No difference, except what I call it in my mind.
It is also a needed reminder that sin is something that is within us, not just something that is around us - Paul's cry of "O wretched man that I am? Who will deliver me from this body of death?" was never more true (Romans 7:24)
Scary Adult Land
So the second day of my job has convinced me that careerwise, I could not have left much later.
The reason? In my new position, I really am "it". My manager has stated that he intends to pass everything related to my area of expertise off to me - and he has started doing so.
This is very different from any position I have previously had in my industry. Usually my one above has also had a somewhat present oversight role in what I do. Here, it seems like very little, other than the typical "I think you should look at doing this", which is manager code for "You need to do this pretty much like I am suggesting."
It's scary. It's being an adult in an adult world, where you make decisions and stand or fall on your own. On the other hand it's good, not only because it enables one to confidently on your own, but also that it cuts off the fallback of "I'll ask my manager." You are the manager.
It makes me realize how dependent I have become on others essentially "covering" my decisions, and my inability to make one. Now, I have to.
The reason? In my new position, I really am "it". My manager has stated that he intends to pass everything related to my area of expertise off to me - and he has started doing so.
This is very different from any position I have previously had in my industry. Usually my one above has also had a somewhat present oversight role in what I do. Here, it seems like very little, other than the typical "I think you should look at doing this", which is manager code for "You need to do this pretty much like I am suggesting."
It's scary. It's being an adult in an adult world, where you make decisions and stand or fall on your own. On the other hand it's good, not only because it enables one to confidently on your own, but also that it cuts off the fallback of "I'll ask my manager." You are the manager.
It makes me realize how dependent I have become on others essentially "covering" my decisions, and my inability to make one. Now, I have to.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Changing your mind
So I had a long talk with Bogha Frois tonight about her job. What she indicated to me, in the course of our conversation, is that she is having second thoughts about the career field she has chosen. Essentially, the work environment is not what she had additionally pictured, and although she believed she was up to the stress of the job, she has found that it is more consuming than she had intended.
She's having thoughts: should she pursue her education further? Should she return to the industry she was in? Should she stay where she is and seek a transfer to a location that is more desirable for her family?
But fundamentally, her question comes down to two things: 1) What do I really want to do; and 2) If I decide my current position is not what I want to do, will I look like I'm failing in my ability to persist or make up my mind?
To the first question, my advice was simply think and write it out. It is very hard to be enthusiastic for something when it has nothing to do with nor can lead you to do something with what you love.
To the second question, my comment was "Of course you can change your mind!" We make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. If different circumstances arise, we have the ability - nay, the right - to say "You know, I think this really isn't what I thought it was. I don't enjoy it, I don't like it, and it is not going to lead me anywhere close to what I really like." I've done it - real estate back to my current industry, which was my old industry. I tried it, and then I got more information. In my case, I found that I am simply more security than risk driven.
We should never feel bad about examining career, hobby, or even some relational decisions (keeping in mind Scripture, of course) and, based on the new information we have, make a different - and hopefully better - decision.
She's having thoughts: should she pursue her education further? Should she return to the industry she was in? Should she stay where she is and seek a transfer to a location that is more desirable for her family?
But fundamentally, her question comes down to two things: 1) What do I really want to do; and 2) If I decide my current position is not what I want to do, will I look like I'm failing in my ability to persist or make up my mind?
To the first question, my advice was simply think and write it out. It is very hard to be enthusiastic for something when it has nothing to do with nor can lead you to do something with what you love.
To the second question, my comment was "Of course you can change your mind!" We make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. If different circumstances arise, we have the ability - nay, the right - to say "You know, I think this really isn't what I thought it was. I don't enjoy it, I don't like it, and it is not going to lead me anywhere close to what I really like." I've done it - real estate back to my current industry, which was my old industry. I tried it, and then I got more information. In my case, I found that I am simply more security than risk driven.
We should never feel bad about examining career, hobby, or even some relational decisions (keeping in mind Scripture, of course) and, based on the new information we have, make a different - and hopefully better - decision.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Moving On
So today was my last day at The Company.
It went pretty much as all last days go: a little work, a little packing, a fair amount of talking and saying goodbye. Overall, I'll miss the people greatly.
It's somewhat noteworthy that this job is longest I've been at a company, almost 3 years. Certainly somewhat longer than I had planned to stay, yet somewhat less than I had intended to stay.
Longer yet not intended? Yes. I had essentially conceded that, after May, I was willing to stay. I forgot how disruptive it is to find work while you're working: trying to arrange interviews, trying to stay dedicated to the job yet getting one's hopes up, and the eventually leaking of enthusiasm when you don't hear anything.
And leak it did - between my first interview and my acceptance letter, it was just shy of 2 months. In that sense, I had conceded: I hadn't really looked for anything new and didn't really intend to.
And now here we are.
The happiest feeling I had today was pulling off of the two lane highway merge onto the freeway, knowing in my heart of hearts I would not have to do that one more time. The saddest, the last entry into to the car and firing up the engine, knowing that I would not be there one more time.
It went pretty much as all last days go: a little work, a little packing, a fair amount of talking and saying goodbye. Overall, I'll miss the people greatly.
It's somewhat noteworthy that this job is longest I've been at a company, almost 3 years. Certainly somewhat longer than I had planned to stay, yet somewhat less than I had intended to stay.
Longer yet not intended? Yes. I had essentially conceded that, after May, I was willing to stay. I forgot how disruptive it is to find work while you're working: trying to arrange interviews, trying to stay dedicated to the job yet getting one's hopes up, and the eventually leaking of enthusiasm when you don't hear anything.
And leak it did - between my first interview and my acceptance letter, it was just shy of 2 months. In that sense, I had conceded: I hadn't really looked for anything new and didn't really intend to.
And now here we are.
The happiest feeling I had today was pulling off of the two lane highway merge onto the freeway, knowing in my heart of hearts I would not have to do that one more time. The saddest, the last entry into to the car and firing up the engine, knowing that I would not be there one more time.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Reflections on a Late Summer Evening
Here I sit,
Partially shaded by the smell
of the late summer's lavender,
cooled by the Delta's breeze
but warmed by hot dog's breath
hoping I'll toss the ball one more time.
Sipping an olympiad's old red -
2004: Had I already started real estate?
I flip the steak, enjoying
one of summer's great pleasures:
Barbecuing in the shade,
with the wind at my back
and the shade on my head.
Watching the autumn bees,
returned from who know where
during their commercial pollination tasks
to the relative quiet of rural Here,
I am reminded that the pace of summer,
which energizes and refreshes,
is not always the pace of life.
Partially shaded by the smell
of the late summer's lavender,
cooled by the Delta's breeze
but warmed by hot dog's breath
hoping I'll toss the ball one more time.
Sipping an olympiad's old red -
2004: Had I already started real estate?
I flip the steak, enjoying
one of summer's great pleasures:
Barbecuing in the shade,
with the wind at my back
and the shade on my head.
Watching the autumn bees,
returned from who know where
during their commercial pollination tasks
to the relative quiet of rural Here,
I am reminded that the pace of summer,
which energizes and refreshes,
is not always the pace of life.
Unsettled
I am experiencing a sense of physical and temporal dislocation that I had not anticipated, and I am not really sure where it is coming from.
Physically, I feel out of things. I find myself unable to sleep, ravenously hungering yet rarely energetic, and mentally dimmed, as if I had lost my edge. Mentally, I am feeling restless, almost bored, unable to retain things in my mind, yet not really having interest in doing anything.
The only change I can associate this with the ending of one job and the beginning of another. In all fairness, it's been almost three years since I've come to my current job - almost 4% of my total life (assume an average lifespan of 80), and 12.5% of my working career to date.
I guess I had not anticipated this sort of physical reaction - a sort of unsettled despondency, if there is such a thing. Have I become such a creature of habit that a change of jobs is so unsettling to me?
Physically, I feel out of things. I find myself unable to sleep, ravenously hungering yet rarely energetic, and mentally dimmed, as if I had lost my edge. Mentally, I am feeling restless, almost bored, unable to retain things in my mind, yet not really having interest in doing anything.
The only change I can associate this with the ending of one job and the beginning of another. In all fairness, it's been almost three years since I've come to my current job - almost 4% of my total life (assume an average lifespan of 80), and 12.5% of my working career to date.
I guess I had not anticipated this sort of physical reaction - a sort of unsettled despondency, if there is such a thing. Have I become such a creature of habit that a change of jobs is so unsettling to me?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Uisdean Ruadh
Tonight I had a rather lengthy conversation with Uisdean Ruadh - a conversation I had not intended nor wished to have.
He got laid off last Friday.
He worked in a supporting business to the mortgage industry, and we had spoken from time to time about the possibility of being laid off, implications, etc. Then, last Friday, a half hour after he arrived at work - 0700 - he was called into his manager's office, given his papers, and escorted to the door.
He was upbeat tonight when I talked to him - he has 90 days of a resume service which he is availing himself of, he has already started his job search, got a form of a severance package, and is looking at this as an opportunity to change a job he didn't care for all that much anyway. Still, it's a blow that no-one really wants to have happen.
Two takeaways for myself:
1) This reinforces my opinion that what I am currently doing by leaving and changing is the correct thing to do. Start ups may be less stable than established companies, but that is by no means a guarantee that larger companies will not lay you off in a moment. Company loyalty, in the end, is to the financial shareholders, not to the employees.
2) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself spoke tonight about finances, and making changes congruent with my new position. This just pushes me more to save and reduce debt. You just never know.
Pray for Uisdean Ruadh, both for his spirits as well as finding a position quickly.
He got laid off last Friday.
He worked in a supporting business to the mortgage industry, and we had spoken from time to time about the possibility of being laid off, implications, etc. Then, last Friday, a half hour after he arrived at work - 0700 - he was called into his manager's office, given his papers, and escorted to the door.
He was upbeat tonight when I talked to him - he has 90 days of a resume service which he is availing himself of, he has already started his job search, got a form of a severance package, and is looking at this as an opportunity to change a job he didn't care for all that much anyway. Still, it's a blow that no-one really wants to have happen.
Two takeaways for myself:
1) This reinforces my opinion that what I am currently doing by leaving and changing is the correct thing to do. Start ups may be less stable than established companies, but that is by no means a guarantee that larger companies will not lay you off in a moment. Company loyalty, in the end, is to the financial shareholders, not to the employees.
2) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself spoke tonight about finances, and making changes congruent with my new position. This just pushes me more to save and reduce debt. You just never know.
Pray for Uisdean Ruadh, both for his spirits as well as finding a position quickly.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Zero Sum Planning
In thinking about the new opportunity that is coming my way - indeed, one does not often get the opportunity where a job change enables a schedule change, which can enable do much else - I found myself thinking on a Brian Tracy concept: Zero Sum Planning.
The concept is this: if I had it to do over again, what would I do again? What would I not do again? A corollary which flows from this is we can only do a finite number of things: in order to do one thing, we must give up something else.
A second thing that brought this into focus was on my drive home, I caught Dr. Charles Stanley, whose message today was on the judgement seat of Christ. The part where I wandered in - and stuck - was when he was speaking about the judgement and realizing the opportunities that we missed to serve and honor God more.
So combining these two thought lines together, the question becomes this: if life is to be lived for and in the shadow of eternity and the pleasure of God, what am doing in my life right now that lacks value? How am I being that does not add value?
It may be nothing. It may be all. What I can say is that it seems like there is a lot of things I have been dragging around with me for years - high school or before. Am I doing these things because they add true value to my life, or am I doing them out of inertia, or unwillingness to simply admit that I've moved on?
I had a stark reminder of that today. My parents came down to drop off a load of stuff - things from the shed of their renter, who passed away last month. I went through tubs of craft things and wood objects - things that I think were handmade - and of what use are they now?
Why do I cling to things so much? My garage, my house, indeed my life is filled with bits of this and that, pieces and parts of working things, things that I will get around to "any day now" but never seem to. Again, part of that feeling of not wanting to admit I've moved on, or simply admit that some money is wasted, and don't make that mistake again.
Someday, I'll appear before the judgement seat of Christ, and all of the things I worked for, all of the things I worked on, absent any value to Christ, will vanish as smoke. If this is the case, why do I put such effort into them now?
The concept is this: if I had it to do over again, what would I do again? What would I not do again? A corollary which flows from this is we can only do a finite number of things: in order to do one thing, we must give up something else.
A second thing that brought this into focus was on my drive home, I caught Dr. Charles Stanley, whose message today was on the judgement seat of Christ. The part where I wandered in - and stuck - was when he was speaking about the judgement and realizing the opportunities that we missed to serve and honor God more.
So combining these two thought lines together, the question becomes this: if life is to be lived for and in the shadow of eternity and the pleasure of God, what am doing in my life right now that lacks value? How am I being that does not add value?
It may be nothing. It may be all. What I can say is that it seems like there is a lot of things I have been dragging around with me for years - high school or before. Am I doing these things because they add true value to my life, or am I doing them out of inertia, or unwillingness to simply admit that I've moved on?
I had a stark reminder of that today. My parents came down to drop off a load of stuff - things from the shed of their renter, who passed away last month. I went through tubs of craft things and wood objects - things that I think were handmade - and of what use are they now?
Why do I cling to things so much? My garage, my house, indeed my life is filled with bits of this and that, pieces and parts of working things, things that I will get around to "any day now" but never seem to. Again, part of that feeling of not wanting to admit I've moved on, or simply admit that some money is wasted, and don't make that mistake again.
Someday, I'll appear before the judgement seat of Christ, and all of the things I worked for, all of the things I worked on, absent any value to Christ, will vanish as smoke. If this is the case, why do I put such effort into them now?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
15th Anniversaries and Technology
So we had another one of life's pleasures that seem to come so infrequently: Otis and Buttercup came to visit. They were on their 15th wedding anniversary, and had generously decided to spend at least a part of it with us.
(Otis's blog is here. Buttercup's is here)
There is always a sweetness in the seeing of old friends - although in this case, as we have kept up over the years, there is not as much catching up on old news and more of the exchange of small stories - sort of like gold panning or opal walking on the beach, finding the joy of nuggets or stones mixed among the general conversation that comes up.
It is also a fabulous reminder of how much we need each other - even if we're not there physically. Technology, for all of my Luddite tendencies, has made at least this much true: more than any other time in history, we are able to continue to keep up and be involved in the lives of our family and friends even though we are physically distant from them. So many of my friends that I turn to in joy or sorrow - Otis, Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, HWMNTN - I seldom, if not very infrequently.
And I, at least need people - to bounce ideas off, to listen to my complaints or my triumphs, and to avail myself of doing the same for them. I have never learned so much about listening as I have by forcing myself to listen to my friends, instead of immediately formulating my next response.
So Happy Anniversary Otis and Buttercup, and many more. Your visit was very welcome, and far too short.
You'd think this would encourage us to come visit others more often...
(Otis's blog is here. Buttercup's is here)
There is always a sweetness in the seeing of old friends - although in this case, as we have kept up over the years, there is not as much catching up on old news and more of the exchange of small stories - sort of like gold panning or opal walking on the beach, finding the joy of nuggets or stones mixed among the general conversation that comes up.
It is also a fabulous reminder of how much we need each other - even if we're not there physically. Technology, for all of my Luddite tendencies, has made at least this much true: more than any other time in history, we are able to continue to keep up and be involved in the lives of our family and friends even though we are physically distant from them. So many of my friends that I turn to in joy or sorrow - Otis, Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, HWMNTN - I seldom, if not very infrequently.
And I, at least need people - to bounce ideas off, to listen to my complaints or my triumphs, and to avail myself of doing the same for them. I have never learned so much about listening as I have by forcing myself to listen to my friends, instead of immediately formulating my next response.
So Happy Anniversary Otis and Buttercup, and many more. Your visit was very welcome, and far too short.
You'd think this would encourage us to come visit others more often...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Meditation: Haggai
As I usually have times to write on Saturday's, it would probably be a good thing to begin posting meditations prior to Sunday. In this spirit, these are the conclusions from a talk I gave on the book of Haggai this morning for your consideration:
What are the lessons that Haggai has for believers living under the New Covenant?
1) When faced with difficulties in executing God’s will, what do we do – do we fall away, waiting until an appropriate time to “build the Lord’s temple”, or do we press on in the face of difficulties which God allows into our lives to test us? Matthew Henry says
“There is an aptness in us to interpret providential discouragements in our duty, as if they amounted to a discharge from our duty, when they are only intended for the trial and exercise of our courage and faith. It is bad to neglect our duty, but it is worse to vouch Providence for the patronising of our neglects.”
2) Do we love God and His purposes more than we love our own? God is speaking to the returned Jews of their money and time/effort, but the same is true for us as well? Who has our heart? Whose kingdom are we building – ours or God’s? One last forever with eternal rewards; the other, as Peter says in 2nd Peter 3:10 “both the earth and all the works that are in it will be burned up.” Matthew Henry says “Those are very much strangers to their interests who prefer the conveniences and ornaments of the temporal life before the absolute necessities of the spiritual life, who are full of care to enrich their own houses, while God’s temple in their hearts lies waste, and nothing is done about it.”
3) God uses circumstances in our lives to get our attention. There is no hard and fast rule that says that obeying God in all things will always result in the Christian prospering materially and physically (much to the annoyance of many health and wealth gospel preachers). But it is a general principle throughout the Bible that obeying God brings blessing, disobeying God brings punishment – or, to paraphrase Randy Alcorn “Obeying God is always smart, disobeying God is always stupid.” We also know from God’s character that He loves us as a father loves his children, and He will use circumstances to chasten us for the purposes of discipline and to correct our wandering ways. As Solomon writes in Proverbs 3: 11-12 and the writer of Hebrews quotes in Hebrews 12: 5-6 “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as father the son in whom He delights.
So the question then becomes are there circumstances occurring in our life right now that indicate something is not right in our lives? There is the suffering that God allows to purifying us – absolutely. But there is also the suffering and circumstances that God allows as the result of sin or getting off track from His will. We would find it sad and silly if the driver of a car, when suddenly veering to the lane dividers did not pull back into the lane but said, as you were jostling along “Don’t worry – this will clear up in a minute?. When we knowingly disobey God, when the circumstances come and yet, we have “no idea” why they have occurred, we are no less foolish.
4) Finally, when we are confronted with our failure to serve God’s purposes, do we immediately seek to repent and return to what we were called to, or do we seek to justify ourselves, or come up with reasons that we can’t, or continue with what we were doing before? The quicker we repent and do what the Lord commands, the quicker we can return to area of blessing. Matthew Henry again “Those that have lost time have need to redeem time, and the longer we have loitered in that which is good the more haste we should make when we are convinced of our folly.”
In closing, most of you know the story of Jim Elliot, missionary to the Auca Indians. I won’t recount his story here, but I will finish with a paragraph concerning him from the Holman Old Testament Commentary on Haggai:
“The world probably looked at the death of Jim Elliot as a waste. He had so much promise – the charisma, the talent! He could have accomplished so much in the world. He died so young (not even thirty). He was foolish to have thrown away his life like that. Yet Elliott himself answers such criticisms. In his diary, Jim wrote these classic words: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’ The apostle John put it this way: ‘The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.’(1 John 2:17). Haggai calls on us to put God and His kingdom first at all costs. This is all that will endure. In C.T. Studd’s words, ‘Only one life, ‘twill soon be past; Only what’s done for Christ will last.'"
What are the lessons that Haggai has for believers living under the New Covenant?
1) When faced with difficulties in executing God’s will, what do we do – do we fall away, waiting until an appropriate time to “build the Lord’s temple”, or do we press on in the face of difficulties which God allows into our lives to test us? Matthew Henry says
“There is an aptness in us to interpret providential discouragements in our duty, as if they amounted to a discharge from our duty, when they are only intended for the trial and exercise of our courage and faith. It is bad to neglect our duty, but it is worse to vouch Providence for the patronising of our neglects.”
2) Do we love God and His purposes more than we love our own? God is speaking to the returned Jews of their money and time/effort, but the same is true for us as well? Who has our heart? Whose kingdom are we building – ours or God’s? One last forever with eternal rewards; the other, as Peter says in 2nd Peter 3:10 “both the earth and all the works that are in it will be burned up.” Matthew Henry says “Those are very much strangers to their interests who prefer the conveniences and ornaments of the temporal life before the absolute necessities of the spiritual life, who are full of care to enrich their own houses, while God’s temple in their hearts lies waste, and nothing is done about it.”
3) God uses circumstances in our lives to get our attention. There is no hard and fast rule that says that obeying God in all things will always result in the Christian prospering materially and physically (much to the annoyance of many health and wealth gospel preachers). But it is a general principle throughout the Bible that obeying God brings blessing, disobeying God brings punishment – or, to paraphrase Randy Alcorn “Obeying God is always smart, disobeying God is always stupid.” We also know from God’s character that He loves us as a father loves his children, and He will use circumstances to chasten us for the purposes of discipline and to correct our wandering ways. As Solomon writes in Proverbs 3: 11-12 and the writer of Hebrews quotes in Hebrews 12: 5-6 “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as father the son in whom He delights.
So the question then becomes are there circumstances occurring in our life right now that indicate something is not right in our lives? There is the suffering that God allows to purifying us – absolutely. But there is also the suffering and circumstances that God allows as the result of sin or getting off track from His will. We would find it sad and silly if the driver of a car, when suddenly veering to the lane dividers did not pull back into the lane but said, as you were jostling along “Don’t worry – this will clear up in a minute?. When we knowingly disobey God, when the circumstances come and yet, we have “no idea” why they have occurred, we are no less foolish.
4) Finally, when we are confronted with our failure to serve God’s purposes, do we immediately seek to repent and return to what we were called to, or do we seek to justify ourselves, or come up with reasons that we can’t, or continue with what we were doing before? The quicker we repent and do what the Lord commands, the quicker we can return to area of blessing. Matthew Henry again “Those that have lost time have need to redeem time, and the longer we have loitered in that which is good the more haste we should make when we are convinced of our folly.”
In closing, most of you know the story of Jim Elliot, missionary to the Auca Indians. I won’t recount his story here, but I will finish with a paragraph concerning him from the Holman Old Testament Commentary on Haggai:
“The world probably looked at the death of Jim Elliot as a waste. He had so much promise – the charisma, the talent! He could have accomplished so much in the world. He died so young (not even thirty). He was foolish to have thrown away his life like that. Yet Elliott himself answers such criticisms. In his diary, Jim wrote these classic words: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’ The apostle John put it this way: ‘The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.’(1 John 2:17). Haggai calls on us to put God and His kingdom first at all costs. This is all that will endure. In C.T. Studd’s words, ‘Only one life, ‘twill soon be past; Only what’s done for Christ will last.'"
Labs, Lawn Peeing, and Sanctification
So now, we have a dog. It is somewhat fortunate that I was not overly attached to my backyard, because it has become, well, doggitized. Beyond the joy of Dog poop removal (if I was a clever man, I could figure out how to convert dog poop into renewal energy - I'd be a billionaire!) I now have the joy of large brown spots in parts of my lawn as well as parts of my garden (and a lot of feet of sprinkler hose) becoming dog play toys.
After the spots began appearing on my lawn, I referred to the Internet (Ah, what won't it do) to see if anything could be done. One suggestion I read was that if the lawn is flushed with water periodically, this will help to wash the urine off the grass and dilute it. Fair enough: I've got a timer on my sprinkler, so not a problem.
An unlooked for result of this is that my grass growth has become a lot more lush. It has also highlighted the fact that I have different grasses in my lawn, some which grow better than others.
It was actually a week ago that I noticed that some of the older brown spots had spots of green in them. The more resistant grass has begun to send out shoots, which are now starting to populate the dead areas. Suddenly, it appears that over time I may end up with a more resilient lawn.
The thought then hit me (and it disturbs me that my mind works this way) that this is a lot like the process of sanctification. Sin, if you will, creates the dead spots in the lawn of our lives. God, in His graciousness, begins to send His roots of holiness into our lives. Eventually, they will green up - as long as we continue to be diligent in watering it with the Word, prayer, and God's grace. And, like my lawn, it looks pretty bad now - but in eternity, we'll be glorified, freed from the stains of sin in us.
After the spots began appearing on my lawn, I referred to the Internet (Ah, what won't it do) to see if anything could be done. One suggestion I read was that if the lawn is flushed with water periodically, this will help to wash the urine off the grass and dilute it. Fair enough: I've got a timer on my sprinkler, so not a problem.
An unlooked for result of this is that my grass growth has become a lot more lush. It has also highlighted the fact that I have different grasses in my lawn, some which grow better than others.
It was actually a week ago that I noticed that some of the older brown spots had spots of green in them. The more resistant grass has begun to send out shoots, which are now starting to populate the dead areas. Suddenly, it appears that over time I may end up with a more resilient lawn.
The thought then hit me (and it disturbs me that my mind works this way) that this is a lot like the process of sanctification. Sin, if you will, creates the dead spots in the lawn of our lives. God, in His graciousness, begins to send His roots of holiness into our lives. Eventually, they will green up - as long as we continue to be diligent in watering it with the Word, prayer, and God's grace. And, like my lawn, it looks pretty bad now - but in eternity, we'll be glorified, freed from the stains of sin in us.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Midlife Crisis
So after some thought coming home this evening, I've decided I think I'm going to have a midlife crisis.
"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com
I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"
Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.
When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?
When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"
Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?
Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?
"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com
I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"
Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.
When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?
When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"
Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?
Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Vacation
Back from vacation - which, although we didn't go far, seemed to consume as much time and energy as a traveling one.
During our week, we went shopping at the outlets, attended a minor league baseball game, went to the Grass Valley Fair, to Coloma (discovery site of gold in California), and to Discovery Kingdom. Syrah escaped two days out of three from her kennel (apparently Labradors, once they set their minds to something, do it) - but she stayed around the house.
As usual, I overestimated my ability to get things read, or plan, or write, or catch up on other important matters- not that it's bad, it's just frustrating and something I need to get over. Vacations are for vacating, working visits are for working.
I also got confirmation of my new job and accepted it, looked for my queen bee three times - and couldn't find her, and rededicated myself through writing out a new series of goals and objectives.
Now, I just need a vacation from my vacation...
During our week, we went shopping at the outlets, attended a minor league baseball game, went to the Grass Valley Fair, to Coloma (discovery site of gold in California), and to Discovery Kingdom. Syrah escaped two days out of three from her kennel (apparently Labradors, once they set their minds to something, do it) - but she stayed around the house.
As usual, I overestimated my ability to get things read, or plan, or write, or catch up on other important matters- not that it's bad, it's just frustrating and something I need to get over. Vacations are for vacating, working visits are for working.
I also got confirmation of my new job and accepted it, looked for my queen bee three times - and couldn't find her, and rededicated myself through writing out a new series of goals and objectives.
Now, I just need a vacation from my vacation...
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
Evening at the Ranch
We went for a walk this evening -Syrah, Bandit, and myself. The sun had gone, and the waxing crescent moon was above the horizon as we set out.
The grass by now is the faded straw yellow of summer, the way all grass eventually goes here. But even in the fields of the dessicated, there are still signs of life: wildflowers with names I don't know lifting their pencil lead thin stalks to the sky, and weeds close to the ground.
We took the long walk around the upper meadow. The horse thundered up halfway to meet us, perhaps not enthused about the company of dogs, but it beat being alone. As the dogs pounded ahead of me, they raised small clouds of dust, their paw prints melding in with the turkey, horseshoes, tennis shoe, and bear tracks already there.
As we reached the upper side, we came across nature in action: parts of a deer vertebrae scattered about and nearby, a jawbone. It looked to be a young deer by the wear on the teeth. I picked the jaw up to take back to the house.
There was a moment, when the dogs were ahead of me, that everything was perfectly still. Everything. No wind in the trees, no sounds of cars or dogs nearby, no crickets or frogs, nothing. Just the silent sound of crescent moon beams falling on the meadow.
I love this place. Here, like no other, I can hear God.
The grass by now is the faded straw yellow of summer, the way all grass eventually goes here. But even in the fields of the dessicated, there are still signs of life: wildflowers with names I don't know lifting their pencil lead thin stalks to the sky, and weeds close to the ground.
We took the long walk around the upper meadow. The horse thundered up halfway to meet us, perhaps not enthused about the company of dogs, but it beat being alone. As the dogs pounded ahead of me, they raised small clouds of dust, their paw prints melding in with the turkey, horseshoes, tennis shoe, and bear tracks already there.
As we reached the upper side, we came across nature in action: parts of a deer vertebrae scattered about and nearby, a jawbone. It looked to be a young deer by the wear on the teeth. I picked the jaw up to take back to the house.
There was a moment, when the dogs were ahead of me, that everything was perfectly still. Everything. No wind in the trees, no sounds of cars or dogs nearby, no crickets or frogs, nothing. Just the silent sound of crescent moon beams falling on the meadow.
I love this place. Here, like no other, I can hear God.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Metal Vivaldi
This is just cool. I don't care if you're neither a fan of metal rock or Vivaldi.
http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/07/23/two-guitars-just-two/
(Sorry - if I were smarter, I could just put it in here...)
HT: The Anchoress
http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/07/23/two-guitars-just-two/
(Sorry - if I were smarter, I could just put it in here...)
HT: The Anchoress
Changing jobs is like dying
How's that for an opener?
It hit my last night as I collapsed in a heap, exhausted from an afternoon of essentially being used as a tool to meet the timeline of people who are not necessarily very kind. I know I have an offer in the works. I can grasp that very soon, none of the problems I am currently dealing with will matter - and after the day of the official announcement, they all go away (if you've ever dealt with someone who is leaving a company, especially a bad situation, it's odd how they get that smile on their face...). Yet, I still continue to get worked up about them.
But isn't this the Christian life in a microcosm? In point of fact, this whole life is going away soon (sooner than we think!). As Christians, we know we have an ultimate destination which is far different - and far better - than what we are currently facing. And yet, we continue to get possessed and bothered by the things of this life that we know are passing away.
When we were saved, we essentially announced we have made our arrangements to change our ultimate location. Why aren't we smiling more?
It hit my last night as I collapsed in a heap, exhausted from an afternoon of essentially being used as a tool to meet the timeline of people who are not necessarily very kind. I know I have an offer in the works. I can grasp that very soon, none of the problems I am currently dealing with will matter - and after the day of the official announcement, they all go away (if you've ever dealt with someone who is leaving a company, especially a bad situation, it's odd how they get that smile on their face...). Yet, I still continue to get worked up about them.
But isn't this the Christian life in a microcosm? In point of fact, this whole life is going away soon (sooner than we think!). As Christians, we know we have an ultimate destination which is far different - and far better - than what we are currently facing. And yet, we continue to get possessed and bothered by the things of this life that we know are passing away.
When we were saved, we essentially announced we have made our arrangements to change our ultimate location. Why aren't we smiling more?
Friday, August 01, 2008
Embracing responsibilities
Today our admin, An Pholainneach, took me out to lunch. We went to the Chinese place across the street - which always makes me happy. Mongolian beef makes me even happier.
As we were talking, we were reflecting on the fact that within our department, there are individuals who seek out and embrace new responsibilities (or rather, embrace those which are thrust upon them!) and those who simply refuse to take them up, even when they are put in the position to take them on - repeatedly. It makes harder for the department, of course, as the pool of the willing always seems to shrink, but it would also seem to make it harder for the individual, as they become less able to grow with the company.
It strikes me as odd - after all, if one doesn't do more, one is always doing both loosing out on the present opportunities as well as the future ones. But then again, how many times has God offered me the opportunity to do more or learn more, and I turn it aside? How can I embrace my career and not God?
As we were talking, we were reflecting on the fact that within our department, there are individuals who seek out and embrace new responsibilities (or rather, embrace those which are thrust upon them!) and those who simply refuse to take them up, even when they are put in the position to take them on - repeatedly. It makes harder for the department, of course, as the pool of the willing always seems to shrink, but it would also seem to make it harder for the individual, as they become less able to grow with the company.
It strikes me as odd - after all, if one doesn't do more, one is always doing both loosing out on the present opportunities as well as the future ones. But then again, how many times has God offered me the opportunity to do more or learn more, and I turn it aside? How can I embrace my career and not God?
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