Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Dissatisfaction

It was pointed out to me yesterday by Am Poleanneach that part of my feelings of inertia may stem from my own dissatisfaction with myself.

The thing is a fait accompli. Dissatisfied with myself - of course I'm dissatisfied with myself; it's almost as instinctive as breathing. But why am I dissatisfied with myself?

Because I feel like I am not living up to the potential and gifts that God has given me and expects of me. If I think about it, going back a long time, there is a sense within myself that I should be doing "great things" and that I am not. I'm not really sure what those "great things" are, just that I am not doing them.

If I work, it's never enough nor do I accomplish everything I should. At home, I should be doing and completing 15 different things, and to let one go is to not use my skills and gifts to the utmost.

My fear, as I have said for many years, is to be that servant in Matthew 25: 14-30 which, when his master returned and it was revealed that he had hid his talent rather than use it productively, heard from his master "And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness" instead of "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a little; enter thou into the joy of thy Master."

But is that the equivalent of being constantly dissatisfied? That is certainly not pleasing to God.

Or even deeper: is my depth of the knowledge of my own sins and failings such that I feel crushed, and it magnifies in my own my mind everything I could have done, but didn't because of that sin and failure? Are lost opportunities more real to me than the possibilities granted by God which remain? Am I so focused on the 1st half of the game and my failures to realize there's still a second half?

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