So after some thought coming home this evening, I've decided I think I'm going to have a midlife crisis.
"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com
I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"
Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.
When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?
When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"
Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?
Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?