"To stick to a thing until you are master, is a test of intellectual discipline and power." - Orison Swett Marden
How often do I undertake things with the thought of mastering them? This is something that seems to keep resounding from my reading of An Iron Will by Orison Swett Marden. The book, in case you have never heard of it (or the author), is a 19th century inspirational work about the power of the will, how it matters, and how important it is to adopt one.
But back to mastery. How often do I undertake things with the thought of mastering them? How much do any of us, if I desire to spread the pain a bit? I think the reality is most people -certainly myself - undertake things unthinkingly without the first of thought of coming to master them. We dally with a multiplicity of thing like a dilettante rather than take the time to actual master what we do.
The interesting thing is that our society values mastery but in very odd ways. We recognize Olympic athletes yet we have built an entire industry on "Online Gaming" where people spend the same amount of time and effort mastering that which does not exist as for that the does. We say that we value the level of craftsmanship and performance that comes with anything built by one who has spent the long hours mastering a skill or item, yet would rather spend our money on the cheap and pleasing. We claim that we want our personnel to master what they do, but we refuse to pay the wages for what a mastery of that skill would look like.
Is it wrong to not master everything we put our hand to? Of course not. Experimenting is the great spice of life - without experimenting in different things, I would never have discover many of the activities that I enjoy today. We need to look to different areas, to try, to explore, to find things that are worthy of our time.
But once we find such things we need to make a commitment to them not just to continue to play in the shallows of the knowledge, but to go deeper. It is like swimming: as a child it is wonderful to paddle our way in the shallows but as an adult such paddling looks ludicrous and is counterproductive to actually swimming anyway.
And such commitment - this mastery - is one that requires of us to do a number of things:
1) Focus: Our focus narrows as we continue to learn and practice one things.
2) Effort: The amount of effort required to master something is always greater than the effort to just participate in it.
3) Intellectual Engagement: As we seek to master something, we will find that our minds become consumed by it. It haunts our waking thoughts. It is applied in every situation.
4) Discipline: To become a master of anything is to stick to it until it is mastered. To do this correctly it requires a significant application of discipline, to the task of getting the thing done until it is done.
Focus, Effort, Intellectual Engagement, Discipline - are these not things that make for better people, better lives and better societies?
The benefits of mastery are there - the question is, are we - am I - willing to pay the price?
Monday, January 13, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Thursday, January 09, 2014
Just ________
Driving home yesterday in what was the worst traffic we have had to date this year I began to get frustrated - frustrated with my life, frustrated with my situation, frustrated with my ability to move any part of my life forward "How am I going to accomplish anything trapped in this car as I go back and forth?" I bewailed. "How am I going to do anything of value where I am now?"
And then the answer came back to me "Just Do It." Yes, just like that "Just Do It" from Nike.
Just do it. Just do what you need and intend to do. No excuses. No reasons not to. Just start. Even if you make an inch of progress, just do it.
This thought permeated my brain all the way back to my house. No more obstacles can be used as reasons that I cannot do a thing. I simply need to be about it.
This led directly back to my goals that I have been haphazardly working on over the last two weeks. I thought I had them nailed down but found that there was little enthusiasm for me to move forward on them. So I changed them.
It is a subtle change. Instead of saying "I need to participate in 5 runs at less than 8 minute miles and improve my Highland Athletic personal records" I changed it to "Just lose weight" with four supporting items: Lose sugar (really need to do this), lose weight, run 5 races with less than 8 minute miles, and improve my Highland Athletic personal records"
Or writing. I changed it from the vague listing I had of all the different things I was working on to "Just Write": Blogs, Book.
As I did this, I found that the unanticipated benefit was that I was defining things in terms of action verbs: Just Write, Just Lose Weight, Just Speak, Just Pray. And action is precisely what I need to be taking.
Do I believe this is the panacea to all my goal setting woes and lack of achievement? Not at all. Words without deeds accomplish precisely nothing. But for the first time since I started working on the goals for this year I actually felt a slight degree of anticipation and ownership, of having something that I can work towards and make progress on.
It is easy. Just _________.
And then the answer came back to me "Just Do It." Yes, just like that "Just Do It" from Nike.
Just do it. Just do what you need and intend to do. No excuses. No reasons not to. Just start. Even if you make an inch of progress, just do it.
This thought permeated my brain all the way back to my house. No more obstacles can be used as reasons that I cannot do a thing. I simply need to be about it.
This led directly back to my goals that I have been haphazardly working on over the last two weeks. I thought I had them nailed down but found that there was little enthusiasm for me to move forward on them. So I changed them.
It is a subtle change. Instead of saying "I need to participate in 5 runs at less than 8 minute miles and improve my Highland Athletic personal records" I changed it to "Just lose weight" with four supporting items: Lose sugar (really need to do this), lose weight, run 5 races with less than 8 minute miles, and improve my Highland Athletic personal records"
Or writing. I changed it from the vague listing I had of all the different things I was working on to "Just Write": Blogs, Book.
As I did this, I found that the unanticipated benefit was that I was defining things in terms of action verbs: Just Write, Just Lose Weight, Just Speak, Just Pray. And action is precisely what I need to be taking.
Do I believe this is the panacea to all my goal setting woes and lack of achievement? Not at all. Words without deeds accomplish precisely nothing. But for the first time since I started working on the goals for this year I actually felt a slight degree of anticipation and ownership, of having something that I can work towards and make progress on.
It is easy. Just _________.
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
1000 Cut Drill
Last night we did the Thousand Cut Drill.
The Thousand Cut Drill, for those who have never been exposed, is simply that: 1,000 cuts. The cuts can be of any variety - we tended to do overhand and one handed kiroroshi but anything can be done.
Not so bad, you might think. After all, the bokuto weighs what - 3 lbs? 5 lbs? You might find yourself a little sore but that is probably it. And then you start.
If you are on the middle it is the most intense: one kirioroshi, 180 degree turn, one kirioroshi. This is one cut of 50 (i.e. 100 cuts). If you are on the outer edge, you cut kirioroshi each time the center person turns to you. This is 50 cuts. If you rotate through the cycle you will have done 100 cuts.
The first end is not too bad: you cut and raise overhead back to jodon. Watch the person in the middle, try to time your cut to theirs. Remember to breath out when you cut. You find yourself anticipating their cut. Slow down, match their speed.
Then you move to the middle. Starting out is okay; we have done this before. As you go you notice that your foot is as straight as it should be; try to correct that. Your cuts are not as straight up and down either. Work on that. And then you notice that intersection of your arms and shoulders is beginning tighten up, even to hurt. Your pace is slowly down while the count still goes on: "Forty one, Forty two". By the time you reach 50 your arms are shouting that you should be done.
And then you go to the other side. Fifty cuts again. Your right hand is starting to hurt from holding the tsuba in nigiri no kata - as if your were twisting a towel. As a result your cuts are not s straight as they should be. Sensei calls out to work on the grip. You try to comply but know you do not have it right.
Finally you finish. Move off to the side to rest while others go. Make the count for them. And then enter the cycle again. Your muscles are more sore this time, the foot even a little more off, the cuts not nearly as straight. You are a little slower. But you get through.
Next rotation: right hand only, 25 cuts. Part of the difficulty is finding where to hold the bokuto so you can cut - you have to move your grip up. The count goes as your blade seems to make wider and wider circles.
Then the left hand. This was the worst of all as you very seldom use your left arm for cuts. you should practice more often, apparently - they are wild, your pace is slow, the bokuto seems completely unbalanced in your hand, to the point you are worried it will slip out.
Next rotation: the subarito, the heavier practice blade. Only 10 round (20 cuts) this time: the weight seems heavier because it is, but after the debacle of the left hand it seems better if for no other reason than you have your form back.
Finally to triangle drill, a six cut drill in which you make a triangle: suheigiri cut right, flip the blade over into wakinokimae, cut up on a diagonal right to left shoulder in yokokesa-giri then rotate the blade around your head to cut back right to left in kesa giri. Flip the blade behind you right in wakinokimae, suhei giri cut left, cut up on a diagonal left to right should in reverse yokokesa giri, then rotate the blade around your head to cut back left to right in kesa giri. Flip the blade back into wakinokimae. This is one set.
You start off well but find that your timing is slightly off from your counter. You try to match up with him but then find you are cheating your cuts. All the time as you go your muscles are getting more tired, your cuts a little less precise, your timing a little more off.
And then it happens.
Tired and behind and perhaps in desperation you start making your cuts bigger, more flowing. Your hips are moving more as you reach into the cuts and then fall back into them. Your timing seems to have suddenly taken care of itself as you move with your counter almost in unison In the midst of screaming muscles and imprecise cuts you find the unity of motion the true practitioner always seeks: your body is moving with blade but you are not thinking about the body or the blade. You are merely thinking about the next cut.
For one brief instant four hundred years of swordsmen cut with you in unison.
Sensei calls for a stop. Final count: 1050 cuts. More than last year and now we have a target for the following year.
You are exhausted. Your biceps and shoulders are notifying you that they may consider taking the day off. Your sweat is mingled with the smell of everyone else as they fold up their hakama until next week.
But in your mind as you fumble with your keys in the car door, you do not remember the pain of the preceding 900 cuts. You remember the last 100, when your body flowed.
The Thousand Cut Drill, for those who have never been exposed, is simply that: 1,000 cuts. The cuts can be of any variety - we tended to do overhand and one handed kiroroshi but anything can be done.
Not so bad, you might think. After all, the bokuto weighs what - 3 lbs? 5 lbs? You might find yourself a little sore but that is probably it. And then you start.
If you are on the middle it is the most intense: one kirioroshi, 180 degree turn, one kirioroshi. This is one cut of 50 (i.e. 100 cuts). If you are on the outer edge, you cut kirioroshi each time the center person turns to you. This is 50 cuts. If you rotate through the cycle you will have done 100 cuts.
The first end is not too bad: you cut and raise overhead back to jodon. Watch the person in the middle, try to time your cut to theirs. Remember to breath out when you cut. You find yourself anticipating their cut. Slow down, match their speed.
Then you move to the middle. Starting out is okay; we have done this before. As you go you notice that your foot is as straight as it should be; try to correct that. Your cuts are not as straight up and down either. Work on that. And then you notice that intersection of your arms and shoulders is beginning tighten up, even to hurt. Your pace is slowly down while the count still goes on: "Forty one, Forty two". By the time you reach 50 your arms are shouting that you should be done.
And then you go to the other side. Fifty cuts again. Your right hand is starting to hurt from holding the tsuba in nigiri no kata - as if your were twisting a towel. As a result your cuts are not s straight as they should be. Sensei calls out to work on the grip. You try to comply but know you do not have it right.
Finally you finish. Move off to the side to rest while others go. Make the count for them. And then enter the cycle again. Your muscles are more sore this time, the foot even a little more off, the cuts not nearly as straight. You are a little slower. But you get through.
Next rotation: right hand only, 25 cuts. Part of the difficulty is finding where to hold the bokuto so you can cut - you have to move your grip up. The count goes as your blade seems to make wider and wider circles.
Then the left hand. This was the worst of all as you very seldom use your left arm for cuts. you should practice more often, apparently - they are wild, your pace is slow, the bokuto seems completely unbalanced in your hand, to the point you are worried it will slip out.
Next rotation: the subarito, the heavier practice blade. Only 10 round (20 cuts) this time: the weight seems heavier because it is, but after the debacle of the left hand it seems better if for no other reason than you have your form back.
Finally to triangle drill, a six cut drill in which you make a triangle: suheigiri cut right, flip the blade over into wakinokimae, cut up on a diagonal right to left shoulder in yokokesa-giri then rotate the blade around your head to cut back right to left in kesa giri. Flip the blade behind you right in wakinokimae, suhei giri cut left, cut up on a diagonal left to right should in reverse yokokesa giri, then rotate the blade around your head to cut back left to right in kesa giri. Flip the blade back into wakinokimae. This is one set.
You start off well but find that your timing is slightly off from your counter. You try to match up with him but then find you are cheating your cuts. All the time as you go your muscles are getting more tired, your cuts a little less precise, your timing a little more off.
And then it happens.
Tired and behind and perhaps in desperation you start making your cuts bigger, more flowing. Your hips are moving more as you reach into the cuts and then fall back into them. Your timing seems to have suddenly taken care of itself as you move with your counter almost in unison In the midst of screaming muscles and imprecise cuts you find the unity of motion the true practitioner always seeks: your body is moving with blade but you are not thinking about the body or the blade. You are merely thinking about the next cut.
For one brief instant four hundred years of swordsmen cut with you in unison.
Sensei calls for a stop. Final count: 1050 cuts. More than last year and now we have a target for the following year.
You are exhausted. Your biceps and shoulders are notifying you that they may consider taking the day off. Your sweat is mingled with the smell of everyone else as they fold up their hakama until next week.
But in your mind as you fumble with your keys in the car door, you do not remember the pain of the preceding 900 cuts. You remember the last 100, when your body flowed.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
Traction On The Year II: Work
Yesterday was a lost cause at work.
As usual I came in with the best of intentions: work on things, be productive. What I found by the end of the day was that I was feeling distracted and unproductive. Fine. This has happened multiple times of course; to improve I need to understand exactly what went wrong.
1) Goals: Yes, I know. I have sort of beat this into the ground. But I still have to be honest in that I do not really have any goals for work. I can come up with a plethora of reasons why such goals are very difficult to generate at work (which they are), but in point of fact I do not have any. Why does this matter at all? Because without goals for work I find myself drifting from emergency to emergency or item to item without any drive as to how things will fit into the larger picture - or in my case, how I get up or get out.
2) Focus: I am a social creature. I am also someone who does not deal well with repetitive tasks or boredom. Thus, when I have to do much of what I have to do my mind tends to wander: I get pulled into the conversations of others or "suddenly" have to find out information about this or that. Part of this is a diversion on my own part to keep myself from doing that which is not interesting or informative, the other is an admission that my job is not challenging me at the highest levels. While I feel trapped by my inability to change my current position, this does nothing to enhance my efforts and ability to get out of that position.
3) Talk: As I mentioned above I am a social creature. As such, I like to talk. I enjoy speaking with others (well, at least some others). It is very helpful to my line of work; however, I find that I have the tendency to like to talk. A lot. About things we have already discussed. I took a quick mental note yesterday as I left concerning the amount of time I spent talking and was amazed (not in a good way). What I found was I have the tendency to rehash and smoulder rather than actively work at getting things done.
The underlying problem here is that none of these failings move me any closer to finding something I really want to do. They just act as a mitigation to a situation that I do not particularly care for. I need to realize that these are symptoms of a larger problem - and then move on to address the larger problem.
Otherwise, I will find that this year looks remarkably like the one just past.
As usual I came in with the best of intentions: work on things, be productive. What I found by the end of the day was that I was feeling distracted and unproductive. Fine. This has happened multiple times of course; to improve I need to understand exactly what went wrong.
1) Goals: Yes, I know. I have sort of beat this into the ground. But I still have to be honest in that I do not really have any goals for work. I can come up with a plethora of reasons why such goals are very difficult to generate at work (which they are), but in point of fact I do not have any. Why does this matter at all? Because without goals for work I find myself drifting from emergency to emergency or item to item without any drive as to how things will fit into the larger picture - or in my case, how I get up or get out.
2) Focus: I am a social creature. I am also someone who does not deal well with repetitive tasks or boredom. Thus, when I have to do much of what I have to do my mind tends to wander: I get pulled into the conversations of others or "suddenly" have to find out information about this or that. Part of this is a diversion on my own part to keep myself from doing that which is not interesting or informative, the other is an admission that my job is not challenging me at the highest levels. While I feel trapped by my inability to change my current position, this does nothing to enhance my efforts and ability to get out of that position.
3) Talk: As I mentioned above I am a social creature. As such, I like to talk. I enjoy speaking with others (well, at least some others). It is very helpful to my line of work; however, I find that I have the tendency to like to talk. A lot. About things we have already discussed. I took a quick mental note yesterday as I left concerning the amount of time I spent talking and was amazed (not in a good way). What I found was I have the tendency to rehash and smoulder rather than actively work at getting things done.
The underlying problem here is that none of these failings move me any closer to finding something I really want to do. They just act as a mitigation to a situation that I do not particularly care for. I need to realize that these are symptoms of a larger problem - and then move on to address the larger problem.
Otherwise, I will find that this year looks remarkably like the one just past.
Monday, January 06, 2014
Traction On The Year
I am trying to get some traction on the year.
Doing vacation at the end of the year this year was confusing to me. 1 day on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, 2 days off. And suddenly the first week of the New Year has flown by.
I was lamenting to Snowflake that this whole chain of events bothered me. There was not really a sense of being away from work or being with my family, more of a series of weird days off that weren't quite sick days (so I did not feel like I could truly "loaf about" and rest) nor were the truly vacation days (so I did not feel the urge to do something "fun"). The change from old to New Year was especially troublesome as well: I left work with one set of problems, had a day off, and suddenly it is a New Year and I have the same set of problems. There was no separation, no sense of having reached the end of something and beginning of something else.
And that, I said to Snowflake, impacted getting my goals out the door. Because I am almost obsessive about the concepts of endings and beginnings.
I remember in college when I would go away and it would get to be time to move back, I would have a careful ritual where by I would slowly begin the process of packing things up to get ready to go. My things would go into a smaller and smaller pile and become more and more organized until by the end I had my bed, a change of clothes, and maybe one or two things on the desk for use. Even in living here before everyone else arrived I found that I reverted to that same behavior: as the time came to move to the house, the items got more and more compact until there were none.
I like endings. I like beginnings. I like the the sense of timing and space that they bring. That is why I like having a New Year's Day to have new goals for. There is a sense in which I can say "I am done with the past; here is the future." But to do this, of course, you need to actually have an ending and a beginning, not just a day sandwiched between two significant events to make the transition.
Christmas, I believe, falls on a Thursday this year, which means that the possibility exists that I can get 12 days of vacation for the cost of 5. I will make a serious attempt to reserve that vacation for the end of the year: not just because I need the time off, but because I need the space and sense of ending that such time brings.
Doing vacation at the end of the year this year was confusing to me. 1 day on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, 2 days off. And suddenly the first week of the New Year has flown by.
I was lamenting to Snowflake that this whole chain of events bothered me. There was not really a sense of being away from work or being with my family, more of a series of weird days off that weren't quite sick days (so I did not feel like I could truly "loaf about" and rest) nor were the truly vacation days (so I did not feel the urge to do something "fun"). The change from old to New Year was especially troublesome as well: I left work with one set of problems, had a day off, and suddenly it is a New Year and I have the same set of problems. There was no separation, no sense of having reached the end of something and beginning of something else.
And that, I said to Snowflake, impacted getting my goals out the door. Because I am almost obsessive about the concepts of endings and beginnings.
I remember in college when I would go away and it would get to be time to move back, I would have a careful ritual where by I would slowly begin the process of packing things up to get ready to go. My things would go into a smaller and smaller pile and become more and more organized until by the end I had my bed, a change of clothes, and maybe one or two things on the desk for use. Even in living here before everyone else arrived I found that I reverted to that same behavior: as the time came to move to the house, the items got more and more compact until there were none.
I like endings. I like beginnings. I like the the sense of timing and space that they bring. That is why I like having a New Year's Day to have new goals for. There is a sense in which I can say "I am done with the past; here is the future." But to do this, of course, you need to actually have an ending and a beginning, not just a day sandwiched between two significant events to make the transition.
Christmas, I believe, falls on a Thursday this year, which means that the possibility exists that I can get 12 days of vacation for the cost of 5. I will make a serious attempt to reserve that vacation for the end of the year: not just because I need the time off, but because I need the space and sense of ending that such time brings.
Friday, January 03, 2014
A Season to Change
Every year about this time I get the urge to look for a new position. It has become as regular as clockwork at this point: I work on my annual review, I look around at my job, and I say to myself "I really need to find something else". This year has already been more challenging than others simply from the fact that I only took New Year's Day off: thus, the things I was working on last year became the things I came in to work on this year.
It is somewhat different this year though, in the sense that I would actually like to make a change, not just talk about it. Looking at my review, realizing that I have been almost five years at the same position with little movement and no potential for anything new or any movement is enough to make one think (once again) that there needs to be a change. But this time I really need to make one.
But how do I go about doing this? This is the thing that I need to wrap my arms around. The "old" way of doing things - get a resume, search online, apply - has not worked out for me as I might have hoped. Yes, I understand that there are extenuating circumstances and yes, I understand I am out of state for 49 states, but the results have been negligible.
Am I barking up the wrong tree in believing that I can only do what I do in the industry I am doing it in? Two days ago I would have said no, but I have data suggesting that this is not the case either. People are doing it.
No, the problem seems to come down to something more basic and personal: it is me.
I am not hungry enough for the change. I am not willing to pay the price necessary to bring it about. I say I want change but I hardly put in the effort to make it happen. The result? Every year about this time, I go through the same thought process.
How can I change this to move it from the intellectual and theoretical to the actual? This is the part that constantly eludes me. I need to find the motivation from somewhere other than the usual places to make it happen - and then take the steps to accomplish it.
Because if I am truly honest, everyone around me really is moving on and doing something with their lives. It is time for me to do likewise.
It is somewhat different this year though, in the sense that I would actually like to make a change, not just talk about it. Looking at my review, realizing that I have been almost five years at the same position with little movement and no potential for anything new or any movement is enough to make one think (once again) that there needs to be a change. But this time I really need to make one.
But how do I go about doing this? This is the thing that I need to wrap my arms around. The "old" way of doing things - get a resume, search online, apply - has not worked out for me as I might have hoped. Yes, I understand that there are extenuating circumstances and yes, I understand I am out of state for 49 states, but the results have been negligible.
Am I barking up the wrong tree in believing that I can only do what I do in the industry I am doing it in? Two days ago I would have said no, but I have data suggesting that this is not the case either. People are doing it.
No, the problem seems to come down to something more basic and personal: it is me.
I am not hungry enough for the change. I am not willing to pay the price necessary to bring it about. I say I want change but I hardly put in the effort to make it happen. The result? Every year about this time, I go through the same thought process.
How can I change this to move it from the intellectual and theoretical to the actual? This is the part that constantly eludes me. I need to find the motivation from somewhere other than the usual places to make it happen - and then take the steps to accomplish it.
Because if I am truly honest, everyone around me really is moving on and doing something with their lives. It is time for me to do likewise.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
God as Goal
I was challenged last night by the fact that in my proposed 2014 goals, I seem to have left God out.
This bothered me when I sat down and thought about it for a bit. Here I am, someone who is proclaiming that I am a Christian and that God is central to my life - yet my goals concerning Him are always mushy and ill-defined at best. That struck me as odd, because the rest of the goals in my life for any given year are much more solid and well defined - and, if I were honest, looked forward to with more anticipation.
It is a repeat offense for the problem that I have had in my daily life, trying to fit everything in and then trying to place God in the cracks and crevices on the side in other words where He fits, not where He should fit. I like to pretend that I am doing otherwise, but the ugly truth is not that God is first but that He is more often the thing that I have good intentions about but seldom move forward with.
This needs to change - not only for myself and for the example that I need to provide to my family but to a world where increasingly Christianity is known more by the stereotypes and bad information than by the actual example of knowing a Christian.
How to implement this? I realized as I sat last night that I start by making God one of many goals. What would happen if I reversed this process, if I started from making God the first goal and then worked my way backward from there. What might this look like? How do I fit God in
- in private worship?
- in public worship?
- in daily prayer?
- in service at my church?
- in service to my community?
In answering the questions and then implementing them, I would begin to make God first in my life.
And the other things? This is the difficult part for me. It would become the process I had previously practiced with God: putting things into the cracks. Looking at the things that were previously on the list and admitting that some of them were not going to be accomplished - and being okay with that.
The entire process is a reverse to my typical way of thinking about goals and something that I am struggling my way through. But in considering it I am left with a question, a question that has been at the back of my mind for four years (since we moved): am I growing in my faith or failing in it? And if I am failing in it, what practical steps am I willing to take to reverse that situation?
This bothered me when I sat down and thought about it for a bit. Here I am, someone who is proclaiming that I am a Christian and that God is central to my life - yet my goals concerning Him are always mushy and ill-defined at best. That struck me as odd, because the rest of the goals in my life for any given year are much more solid and well defined - and, if I were honest, looked forward to with more anticipation.
It is a repeat offense for the problem that I have had in my daily life, trying to fit everything in and then trying to place God in the cracks and crevices on the side in other words where He fits, not where He should fit. I like to pretend that I am doing otherwise, but the ugly truth is not that God is first but that He is more often the thing that I have good intentions about but seldom move forward with.
This needs to change - not only for myself and for the example that I need to provide to my family but to a world where increasingly Christianity is known more by the stereotypes and bad information than by the actual example of knowing a Christian.
How to implement this? I realized as I sat last night that I start by making God one of many goals. What would happen if I reversed this process, if I started from making God the first goal and then worked my way backward from there. What might this look like? How do I fit God in
- in private worship?
- in public worship?
- in daily prayer?
- in service at my church?
- in service to my community?
In answering the questions and then implementing them, I would begin to make God first in my life.
And the other things? This is the difficult part for me. It would become the process I had previously practiced with God: putting things into the cracks. Looking at the things that were previously on the list and admitting that some of them were not going to be accomplished - and being okay with that.
The entire process is a reverse to my typical way of thinking about goals and something that I am struggling my way through. But in considering it I am left with a question, a question that has been at the back of my mind for four years (since we moved): am I growing in my faith or failing in it? And if I am failing in it, what practical steps am I willing to take to reverse that situation?
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
An Open Letter to 2014
Dear 2014:
Well, I see you have come. Welcome. We have managed to arrange some sun and blue skies for your arrival today, which I hope make the day go a little better for you.
Let us start with the point that you are an anticipated arrival. People throughout the world - even here - have been looking forward to your arrival. Some have been looking for weeks, some perhaps for months - while others just realized that Christmas went by and something else was following close on.
Why? For some it is that this year has been a year the likes of which they are simply ready for it to be over. For others, they are ready for you not so much because last year was bad but because they want to make a new start. And for a third group last year was a great year for which they want to do even better.
You are a rarity for the human experience: you arrive as a harbinger of hope. You are both a known and unknown entity: known because we know precisely how long you are, unknown because what you bring in that period is shrouded in mystery. We tend to associate the new and unknown with better, even though we we instinctively know better that such is not always the case.
For myself, I have been deeply looking forward to your arrival - not just because the sense of hope you bring but because I have much to do with you this year. Every year I get a little bit better at figuring out what I need to pack inside of you, of what I want to see at the end of you. You offer the ability to live another year, to achieve more, to make more of an impact.
Welcome to you. I think we are going to have a productive and good time together.
Sincerely,
Toirdhealbheach Beucail
Well, I see you have come. Welcome. We have managed to arrange some sun and blue skies for your arrival today, which I hope make the day go a little better for you.
Let us start with the point that you are an anticipated arrival. People throughout the world - even here - have been looking forward to your arrival. Some have been looking for weeks, some perhaps for months - while others just realized that Christmas went by and something else was following close on.
Why? For some it is that this year has been a year the likes of which they are simply ready for it to be over. For others, they are ready for you not so much because last year was bad but because they want to make a new start. And for a third group last year was a great year for which they want to do even better.
You are a rarity for the human experience: you arrive as a harbinger of hope. You are both a known and unknown entity: known because we know precisely how long you are, unknown because what you bring in that period is shrouded in mystery. We tend to associate the new and unknown with better, even though we we instinctively know better that such is not always the case.
For myself, I have been deeply looking forward to your arrival - not just because the sense of hope you bring but because I have much to do with you this year. Every year I get a little bit better at figuring out what I need to pack inside of you, of what I want to see at the end of you. You offer the ability to live another year, to achieve more, to make more of an impact.
Welcome to you. I think we are going to have a productive and good time together.
Sincerely,
Toirdhealbheach Beucail
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The End of 2013
And so we reach the end of 2013.
Am I where I really wanted to be at this date? That is the ruler and metrics I am using this year because these are the ones that matter. When I started out 2013 I (theoretically) had a vision and a plan. How did I do?
Not well. In some cases these were due to items beyond my control, as they always are. In other cases I simply did not reach where I wanted to be. The failures are the most instructive part because they will tell me far more than my successes about what went wrong and why I did not achieve the results I was hoping for. Bottom line? I have what I would like to have happen and then I have what I am committed to making happen. The canyon between these two is where I tend to fall in.
Okay, easy enough to say. How do I fix things, you might ask?
I think one of the single biggest points of failure for myself is my inability to concentrate on a few things. As I have noted before, I am a generalist. It is almost an instinctive need to do a great many things. This is a blessing in know a great deal about a great deal; it is a curse when trying to focus. Therefore, the first point of changing is to narrow (considerably) my list of goals for the year.
The second point - and the harder one for me - is to focus on that mythical five and ten year plan. I am a great tactical person but strategy comes slower to me - partially because I am not in a position in much of my life to be strategic, partially because I lack the learning. I need those plans because then I can link my current goals to that larger plan and goal. What do I want to be, who do I want to be in five and ten years - and even beyond? These pictures need to guide what I am doing today.
The final point is focus on what I am doing. I have fought indolence and sloth and a dislike of practice most of my life. If I had the one big thing I need to get rid of this year (and why is it that we always focus on what we are going to do, not what we are going to get rid of), it would be this. I need to do now what needs doing, not put it off or convince myself in my mind it will take too long or is too hard.
The great thing about the old year passing? It is gone. All that remains lies before us, a golden land of possibilities and probabilities.
Welcome to 2014.
Am I where I really wanted to be at this date? That is the ruler and metrics I am using this year because these are the ones that matter. When I started out 2013 I (theoretically) had a vision and a plan. How did I do?
Not well. In some cases these were due to items beyond my control, as they always are. In other cases I simply did not reach where I wanted to be. The failures are the most instructive part because they will tell me far more than my successes about what went wrong and why I did not achieve the results I was hoping for. Bottom line? I have what I would like to have happen and then I have what I am committed to making happen. The canyon between these two is where I tend to fall in.
Okay, easy enough to say. How do I fix things, you might ask?
I think one of the single biggest points of failure for myself is my inability to concentrate on a few things. As I have noted before, I am a generalist. It is almost an instinctive need to do a great many things. This is a blessing in know a great deal about a great deal; it is a curse when trying to focus. Therefore, the first point of changing is to narrow (considerably) my list of goals for the year.
The second point - and the harder one for me - is to focus on that mythical five and ten year plan. I am a great tactical person but strategy comes slower to me - partially because I am not in a position in much of my life to be strategic, partially because I lack the learning. I need those plans because then I can link my current goals to that larger plan and goal. What do I want to be, who do I want to be in five and ten years - and even beyond? These pictures need to guide what I am doing today.
The final point is focus on what I am doing. I have fought indolence and sloth and a dislike of practice most of my life. If I had the one big thing I need to get rid of this year (and why is it that we always focus on what we are going to do, not what we are going to get rid of), it would be this. I need to do now what needs doing, not put it off or convince myself in my mind it will take too long or is too hard.
The great thing about the old year passing? It is gone. All that remains lies before us, a golden land of possibilities and probabilities.
Welcome to 2014.
Monday, December 30, 2013
30,000
Sometime over the last weekend I exceeded 30,000 hits.
I am surprised - and grateful. I have had this blog since 2005 (yes, the old records are still there) but did not really pick up with writing more regularly until 2008. That has lead to something which is perhaps the longest project I have undertaken - 5 years of semi-regular journaling of my life (this is post 1629).
How many people are legitimate in that 30,000? Probably about 90%. I have had a huge hit ratio on my posting of an Easter Meditation from March 0f 2008 which convinces me that most of that is a spam linked e-mail. I am sure that if I look back I can find the same sort of thing earlier on, before I took steps to prevent the posting of random comments from spammers.
But even with that, that is 27,000 or so views from people that in some shape or form were sincere about reading it. To them - to you - thank you. I sit here 5 days a week in the morning, coffee in hand, writing up whatever comes to my mind. The fact that you take the time to read my musings (or rantings, depending on how you want to look at it) is humbling.
Does this blog do everything I wanted it too? At one point I would have said no - after all, this was going to be the mechanism by which I achieved literary greatness. What I have come to realize is that this is really much more of an online journal, a way to touch bases with people of my life in a form that I might not be able to do. In one or two cases, I have (hopefully) served a purpose in the life of a reader as well, which is sort of what any author ultimately hopes to do.
So again, thank you for your support. It is deeply appreciated and continues to encourage me. On to 100,000 views.
I am surprised - and grateful. I have had this blog since 2005 (yes, the old records are still there) but did not really pick up with writing more regularly until 2008. That has lead to something which is perhaps the longest project I have undertaken - 5 years of semi-regular journaling of my life (this is post 1629).
How many people are legitimate in that 30,000? Probably about 90%. I have had a huge hit ratio on my posting of an Easter Meditation from March 0f 2008 which convinces me that most of that is a spam linked e-mail. I am sure that if I look back I can find the same sort of thing earlier on, before I took steps to prevent the posting of random comments from spammers.
But even with that, that is 27,000 or so views from people that in some shape or form were sincere about reading it. To them - to you - thank you. I sit here 5 days a week in the morning, coffee in hand, writing up whatever comes to my mind. The fact that you take the time to read my musings (or rantings, depending on how you want to look at it) is humbling.
Does this blog do everything I wanted it too? At one point I would have said no - after all, this was going to be the mechanism by which I achieved literary greatness. What I have come to realize is that this is really much more of an online journal, a way to touch bases with people of my life in a form that I might not be able to do. In one or two cases, I have (hopefully) served a purpose in the life of a reader as well, which is sort of what any author ultimately hopes to do.
So again, thank you for your support. It is deeply appreciated and continues to encourage me. On to 100,000 views.
Friday, December 27, 2013
The Trimming and Cutting of Careers
What do I want to do?
I am continuing to struggle with my life's path as I go through this exercise of setting goals. As I sat down last night and worked in a desultory fashion, what I found is that my list covered lots of interests that I have, but hardly anything around actually finding or changing what I do for a living. This is a little counterproductive at first glance as none of these things seems to lead to something that would allow it to replace my primary form of income. Which in itself is bothersome as I truly do not see a long term future - either in personal challenge or in employment - in the field.
So what to do? I cannot force myself to suddenly embrace what I do in a holocaust of interest - I have tried this before with very limited success. It is like pouring charcoal lighter on a fire: big flame, then nothing. Even a longer term slow attempt to find areas of expertise leads to another set of realizations about what is available locally and the thought of having to relocate and re-start all over.
But accepting both of those items leaves me where I find myself today: finding many things of interest which I desire to do or pursue while leaving the largest area of my life at this moment essentially untouched. It is as if I am gardening around a huge tree, knowing that it will block light to the rest of my garden but still continuing to plant in hopes that something will come up.
The tree's the thing of course: it either needs to be trimmed up or cut down. But in either of these examples those trimmings or indeed the entire tree itself cannot sit there: it has to be hauled off to somewhere and either carefully trimmed after that or completely replaced with a new plant. And it is in those things - the trimming or the cutting down and replacing - that I find myself caught.
It all boils down to two simple questions:
1) What do you want to do?
2) How badly do you want to do it?
3) How will replace what you currently have?
I am continuing to struggle with my life's path as I go through this exercise of setting goals. As I sat down last night and worked in a desultory fashion, what I found is that my list covered lots of interests that I have, but hardly anything around actually finding or changing what I do for a living. This is a little counterproductive at first glance as none of these things seems to lead to something that would allow it to replace my primary form of income. Which in itself is bothersome as I truly do not see a long term future - either in personal challenge or in employment - in the field.
So what to do? I cannot force myself to suddenly embrace what I do in a holocaust of interest - I have tried this before with very limited success. It is like pouring charcoal lighter on a fire: big flame, then nothing. Even a longer term slow attempt to find areas of expertise leads to another set of realizations about what is available locally and the thought of having to relocate and re-start all over.
But accepting both of those items leaves me where I find myself today: finding many things of interest which I desire to do or pursue while leaving the largest area of my life at this moment essentially untouched. It is as if I am gardening around a huge tree, knowing that it will block light to the rest of my garden but still continuing to plant in hopes that something will come up.
The tree's the thing of course: it either needs to be trimmed up or cut down. But in either of these examples those trimmings or indeed the entire tree itself cannot sit there: it has to be hauled off to somewhere and either carefully trimmed after that or completely replaced with a new plant. And it is in those things - the trimming or the cutting down and replacing - that I find myself caught.
It all boils down to two simple questions:
1) What do you want to do?
2) How badly do you want to do it?
3) How will replace what you currently have?
Thursday, December 26, 2013
A Certain Reluctance
A quiet day for getting ready for work. No school so of course no-one else is up yet. I myself did not set my alarm even though I knew I had to get up to work. I am banking on traffic being not nearly as terrible as it usually is to get to work. There is also, to be fair, a certain reluctance on my part to get out the door. So I sit here in the early morning twilight with only the light of this year's Christmas Tree to keep me company.
There is a certain reluctance to leaving because I know the world is out there as well. The world and the decisions that leaving the house will necessitate me making. The thoughts that I will have address. The feelings I will have to confront.
Perhaps it sounds overly dramatic. I do not know that I intend it to. At the same time I can say that there are times in one's life where one can sense potential changes and storms awaiting just beyond the horizon and one is possessed with the intense need to simply delay them.
Delay, any good achiever will tell you, is the killer. It is the thing that will cause us to put off things that we should be dealing with. It is the the art of the procrastinator, the realm of those who consistently fail. This habit of delay will create a life of delay.
And it is true. The habit of delay will kill a life.
But arguably not every day is a day of action. There are times and days where perhaps, just for a while, the idea of a certain reluctance has merit to it Time like today where, in the midst of a quiet Christmas tree and colored lights, the fate of a life can be pushed off for a little while.
There is a certain reluctance to leaving because I know the world is out there as well. The world and the decisions that leaving the house will necessitate me making. The thoughts that I will have address. The feelings I will have to confront.
Perhaps it sounds overly dramatic. I do not know that I intend it to. At the same time I can say that there are times in one's life where one can sense potential changes and storms awaiting just beyond the horizon and one is possessed with the intense need to simply delay them.
Delay, any good achiever will tell you, is the killer. It is the thing that will cause us to put off things that we should be dealing with. It is the the art of the procrastinator, the realm of those who consistently fail. This habit of delay will create a life of delay.
And it is true. The habit of delay will kill a life.
But arguably not every day is a day of action. There are times and days where perhaps, just for a while, the idea of a certain reluctance has merit to it Time like today where, in the midst of a quiet Christmas tree and colored lights, the fate of a life can be pushed off for a little while.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas 2013
"For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end,
Upon the throne of David and over His Kingdom
To order it and establish it with judgement and justice
From that time forward, even forever.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this."
- Isaiah 9: 6-7
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end,
Upon the throne of David and over His Kingdom
To order it and establish it with judgement and justice
From that time forward, even forever.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this."
- Isaiah 9: 6-7
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
The Words We Cannot Say
Most people believe that our relationships should be measured by the extent to which we can speak with another person, the discussions that we can ultimately have with them. By this measure, the discussions become an indicator to the extent to which we trust the person.
I wonder if instead most people have this backwards: that our relationships should not be measured by the extent to the which we can speak with them, but rather by the words we cannot say to them.
In most relationships there are a series of areas that we simply cannot address. There are subjects too sensitive, areas too painful, thoughts too revealing. These are the words that we cannot speak, the words that if they are spoken usually create great anxiety and consternation.
We come to instinctively know these words as we discover the bounds of our relationships. We come to understand the areas beyond which we cannot go. Sometimes these barriers are immediately apparent; sometimes these barriers are erected over time. But they are still there, corralling the words we cannot speak from the exposure of that relationship.
Think for a minute: how many times in a fit of anger or melancholy are we willing to reveal to a stranger the innermost secrets of our lives because we are frustrated? How is it that we cannot do the same to people much closer to us? Thus the words that cannot spoken become the measure of our true willingness to be honest, not our so-called willingness to be honest with merely anybody.
How do such words come to be? I truly do not understand it fully myself. I wish I did, because herein lies the great key to true relationships. They start, I suppose, by accident or even intent, the sudden realization that something creates pain or that something is simply "off limits" for a conversation. Once discovered, these areas become protected, like the scar tissue of an old wound, becoming noticeably different than the parts of the relationship around us by its distinctiveness and silence surrounding it. Left alone, these become the obstacles of our relationships as we spend our time threading through them as we try to seek to relate to each other in a way that does not invoke them.
Is there a solution to this? I hesitate to suggest one. Certainly one can make the argument that one should seek to tear away at these barriers, to make true honesty a policy in every one of our relationships. But this does not always work either and too often "true honesty" is simply a pretense for hurting others in the name of exculpating ourselves - the very thing that these inner barriers were created for. Perhaps we could look at doing this - we should always look to deepen relationships instead of constricting them - but always with gentleness and keen eye to when we are beginning to cause pain. Even the greatest scar will in time fade - but it certainly cannot be forced along.
So we take stock of our relationships not be what we can say but by what we cannot, would we find ourselves in the same position of feeling that we are surrounded by true relationships? Or will we discover that we are entrenched in a maze of built up barriers carefully designed to move communication down narrow paths specifically designed to prevent discovering certain things?
I wonder if instead most people have this backwards: that our relationships should not be measured by the extent to the which we can speak with them, but rather by the words we cannot say to them.
In most relationships there are a series of areas that we simply cannot address. There are subjects too sensitive, areas too painful, thoughts too revealing. These are the words that we cannot speak, the words that if they are spoken usually create great anxiety and consternation.
We come to instinctively know these words as we discover the bounds of our relationships. We come to understand the areas beyond which we cannot go. Sometimes these barriers are immediately apparent; sometimes these barriers are erected over time. But they are still there, corralling the words we cannot speak from the exposure of that relationship.
Think for a minute: how many times in a fit of anger or melancholy are we willing to reveal to a stranger the innermost secrets of our lives because we are frustrated? How is it that we cannot do the same to people much closer to us? Thus the words that cannot spoken become the measure of our true willingness to be honest, not our so-called willingness to be honest with merely anybody.
How do such words come to be? I truly do not understand it fully myself. I wish I did, because herein lies the great key to true relationships. They start, I suppose, by accident or even intent, the sudden realization that something creates pain or that something is simply "off limits" for a conversation. Once discovered, these areas become protected, like the scar tissue of an old wound, becoming noticeably different than the parts of the relationship around us by its distinctiveness and silence surrounding it. Left alone, these become the obstacles of our relationships as we spend our time threading through them as we try to seek to relate to each other in a way that does not invoke them.
Is there a solution to this? I hesitate to suggest one. Certainly one can make the argument that one should seek to tear away at these barriers, to make true honesty a policy in every one of our relationships. But this does not always work either and too often "true honesty" is simply a pretense for hurting others in the name of exculpating ourselves - the very thing that these inner barriers were created for. Perhaps we could look at doing this - we should always look to deepen relationships instead of constricting them - but always with gentleness and keen eye to when we are beginning to cause pain. Even the greatest scar will in time fade - but it certainly cannot be forced along.
So we take stock of our relationships not be what we can say but by what we cannot, would we find ourselves in the same position of feeling that we are surrounded by true relationships? Or will we discover that we are entrenched in a maze of built up barriers carefully designed to move communication down narrow paths specifically designed to prevent discovering certain things?
Monday, December 23, 2013
The Count of Monte Cristo
I re-read The Count of Monte Cristo yesterday. It was another one of those things: I started with a remembrance of a particular section, then I sat down to begin to read and before I knew if I was deeply engrossed all day in the novel all over again. It took me all day to read - but is there really any better way to spend a cold winter's day than with a good book?
As I read it touched some deep places inside of me, places of self worth and value. Reading of him I find that he is so much that I am not: action oriented, knowledgeable, purposeful, clever, skillful, commanding, magnetic. In other words, he bears qualities that I wish I had.
But then the thought bedevils me: how do approach such qualities, especially as I am? These things seem so far from my life as to be unapproachable - and even if I tried to integrate them I think I would only find that they create more dissonance in my life than good.
But could I create another life, another person?
This is the thought that tugged at me as I closed the book, then went back and read one or two select sections. Create a new persona. Be, essentially, someone else.
Yes, I am aware that the Internet makes it easier than ever to find out about anyone. Yes, I am aware that my picture is undoubtedly out there. Yes, I am aware there are certain things in which creating a "New You" is patently illegal. I am not talking about that, of course.
What I am talking about is creating a persona, a person somewhat like myself but myself as I wish I could be, to live somewhere out here amongst the electric pluses of the Internet. Someone who could give a platform to try some of the thoughts and behaviors I would like to try, maybe even give them a dry run or two before throwing them out to the wider public.
I have no idea what this gentleman would be called, although creating a back story might be fun. I have no real idea what he wants to do yet or how he wants to make his mark on the world. All I do know is that somewhere behind the real life is the life I want to be, the image I have in my mind - and it is not as I currently am, huddled over a computer screen trying to deal with the minutiae of a small company. It is grander, more elaborate than that.
Who is this other man and how do I find him?
As I read it touched some deep places inside of me, places of self worth and value. Reading of him I find that he is so much that I am not: action oriented, knowledgeable, purposeful, clever, skillful, commanding, magnetic. In other words, he bears qualities that I wish I had.
But then the thought bedevils me: how do approach such qualities, especially as I am? These things seem so far from my life as to be unapproachable - and even if I tried to integrate them I think I would only find that they create more dissonance in my life than good.
But could I create another life, another person?
This is the thought that tugged at me as I closed the book, then went back and read one or two select sections. Create a new persona. Be, essentially, someone else.
Yes, I am aware that the Internet makes it easier than ever to find out about anyone. Yes, I am aware that my picture is undoubtedly out there. Yes, I am aware there are certain things in which creating a "New You" is patently illegal. I am not talking about that, of course.
What I am talking about is creating a persona, a person somewhat like myself but myself as I wish I could be, to live somewhere out here amongst the electric pluses of the Internet. Someone who could give a platform to try some of the thoughts and behaviors I would like to try, maybe even give them a dry run or two before throwing them out to the wider public.
I have no idea what this gentleman would be called, although creating a back story might be fun. I have no real idea what he wants to do yet or how he wants to make his mark on the world. All I do know is that somewhere behind the real life is the life I want to be, the image I have in my mind - and it is not as I currently am, huddled over a computer screen trying to deal with the minutiae of a small company. It is grander, more elaborate than that.
Who is this other man and how do I find him?
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Work Dreams
I woke up this morning dreaming about work.
It was not the cool part of work either - it was a dream about me coming in afterwords to pull some items together for a study and then explaining the background of what I was doing to some other individuals. There were visuals, music, even an experiment or two.
And then I woke up - only to realize that I actually still had to go to work this morning.
There is something fundamentally unfair about this. It seems that this is one of the jokes of the mind that is just wrong. The concept that somehow one would think about something in one's off time that one then immediately gets to get up and do is possibly one of the most depressing things I can think of.
Why not the other way? Why can I never dream of something wonderful - and then wake up to find that I am actually going to do the wonderful thing? Is it that I do not spend enough time thinking about it? (If that is the case, it will never happen as I scarcely spend lots of time at any point thinking about those such things.)
And maybe that is the point. Maybe I need to spend more time thinking about better or more enjoyable things than work. Because waking up to work after dreaming about work is hardly the way I want to spend my life.
It was not the cool part of work either - it was a dream about me coming in afterwords to pull some items together for a study and then explaining the background of what I was doing to some other individuals. There were visuals, music, even an experiment or two.
And then I woke up - only to realize that I actually still had to go to work this morning.
There is something fundamentally unfair about this. It seems that this is one of the jokes of the mind that is just wrong. The concept that somehow one would think about something in one's off time that one then immediately gets to get up and do is possibly one of the most depressing things I can think of.
Why not the other way? Why can I never dream of something wonderful - and then wake up to find that I am actually going to do the wonderful thing? Is it that I do not spend enough time thinking about it? (If that is the case, it will never happen as I scarcely spend lots of time at any point thinking about those such things.)
And maybe that is the point. Maybe I need to spend more time thinking about better or more enjoyable things than work. Because waking up to work after dreaming about work is hardly the way I want to spend my life.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
The Speed of Christmas
Another Christmas when it scarcely feels like Christmas.
When I was growing up I remember Christmas as this magical time that seemed to go on forever, extending from Thanksgiving for some infinite amount of time until the actual day of Christmas. Time, it seemed, continued to slow down until it was moving at a crawl. We had the trappings thereof as well: first the boxes would come down from the attic and the lights would go up on the tree, followed by various and sundry decorations and the presents as Bing Crosby crooned us on towards Christmas Eve.
Now? December seems to move faster and faster every year. Most of it simply seems to be that corporations, no matter how they like to try and extend their schedules across twelve months, always seem to wait until the last one to try to get everything done. They have not heard of the concept of time slowing down into Christmas - instead, they tend to speed it up until it is racing by at a clip as I desperately try to hold on to the passing bumper.
This years seems to have been the worst of all: we have some decorations and the stockings appeared and there may even be lights in front of the house but no Christmas tree has yet graced us: if we are lucky, we can get one five days before Christmas. With everyone in the house whipping in and out for finals and Christmas concerts and parties and random events we seem to be in a blur of motion that does not seem to lend itself to the dignity of the season. Instead it seems to be a race to the day with every day attempting to pick up a little more speed.
But activities and finals and school are winding down; by Sunday all but the last bitter day of work will remain. The season will suddenly come crashing into my consciousness like an avalanche. Who knows - I may even get my shopping done.
It bothers me of course - I keep believing that Christmas should be like I remember it being, a time of quiet wonder and beauty rather than the outward cyclone of activity that it seems to have become. But then I recall the origin of it and realize that for Mary and Joseph things were probably quite busy as well. It is all a matter of what the real purpose of the event was - and is.
When I was growing up I remember Christmas as this magical time that seemed to go on forever, extending from Thanksgiving for some infinite amount of time until the actual day of Christmas. Time, it seemed, continued to slow down until it was moving at a crawl. We had the trappings thereof as well: first the boxes would come down from the attic and the lights would go up on the tree, followed by various and sundry decorations and the presents as Bing Crosby crooned us on towards Christmas Eve.
Now? December seems to move faster and faster every year. Most of it simply seems to be that corporations, no matter how they like to try and extend their schedules across twelve months, always seem to wait until the last one to try to get everything done. They have not heard of the concept of time slowing down into Christmas - instead, they tend to speed it up until it is racing by at a clip as I desperately try to hold on to the passing bumper.
This years seems to have been the worst of all: we have some decorations and the stockings appeared and there may even be lights in front of the house but no Christmas tree has yet graced us: if we are lucky, we can get one five days before Christmas. With everyone in the house whipping in and out for finals and Christmas concerts and parties and random events we seem to be in a blur of motion that does not seem to lend itself to the dignity of the season. Instead it seems to be a race to the day with every day attempting to pick up a little more speed.
But activities and finals and school are winding down; by Sunday all but the last bitter day of work will remain. The season will suddenly come crashing into my consciousness like an avalanche. Who knows - I may even get my shopping done.
It bothers me of course - I keep believing that Christmas should be like I remember it being, a time of quiet wonder and beauty rather than the outward cyclone of activity that it seems to have become. But then I recall the origin of it and realize that for Mary and Joseph things were probably quite busy as well. It is all a matter of what the real purpose of the event was - and is.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Two Tasks
Sometimes I wonder why I continue to do what I do.
I did a calculation last night. I spent about 25% of my time on work on two types of tasks. Just two. In both cases, they are two which are relatively invisible to most everyone else at the company. That was a huge number when I looked at it. One quarter a year - 90 days - I am only working on one of two things.
Is this a way to advance my career? It does not seem so - certainly the number fluctuate, but they are always near the top of my tasks yet I have continued in exactly the same role for 4.5 years now. And while they are certainly some of the most important things I could be doing for the company that importance does not seem to translate into anything concrete.
But back to the question at hand: Why do I do what I do?
Because these two groups of tasks are not easy. They involve long periods of crunching data, presenting data, defending data responding to data. Much of the data I have to respond to are not of my own creation - instead I am synthesizing, analyzing, and calculating. And while they are important - really not only just to myself but to the whole company - they are essentially invisible tasks to 90% of the company.
Where does that leave me? Stressed before it happens. Drained after it happens. Waking up anticipating those days with a sense of not so much anticipation as a mild sense of dread and accepting the fact that even after we have completed the tasks at hand they were be additional work that has to be done before they are truly put to bed.
I keep thinking that somehow I am going to move beyond these things yet I scarcely seem to be able to.
I did a calculation last night. I spent about 25% of my time on work on two types of tasks. Just two. In both cases, they are two which are relatively invisible to most everyone else at the company. That was a huge number when I looked at it. One quarter a year - 90 days - I am only working on one of two things.
Is this a way to advance my career? It does not seem so - certainly the number fluctuate, but they are always near the top of my tasks yet I have continued in exactly the same role for 4.5 years now. And while they are certainly some of the most important things I could be doing for the company that importance does not seem to translate into anything concrete.
But back to the question at hand: Why do I do what I do?
Because these two groups of tasks are not easy. They involve long periods of crunching data, presenting data, defending data responding to data. Much of the data I have to respond to are not of my own creation - instead I am synthesizing, analyzing, and calculating. And while they are important - really not only just to myself but to the whole company - they are essentially invisible tasks to 90% of the company.
Where does that leave me? Stressed before it happens. Drained after it happens. Waking up anticipating those days with a sense of not so much anticipation as a mild sense of dread and accepting the fact that even after we have completed the tasks at hand they were be additional work that has to be done before they are truly put to bed.
I keep thinking that somehow I am going to move beyond these things yet I scarcely seem to be able to.
Monday, December 16, 2013
A Brief Attack of Irrelevance
Somewhere around Saturday evening I had an attack of irrelevance.
It started simply enough, driving along as I was coming home from a Saturday of work in preparation for an important company project. It was a productive day and I left feeling as if I had done everything I could possibly do to prepare for the event.
But then as I drove along, I began to get cranky.
Suddenly visions of possible events - all lousy ones - filled my head. The extra preparation which would go unnoticed if things went well. The extra blame that would be heaped up if things did not go so well. The lack of impact on my year end review because of prejudgements others had made. The fact that I was doing this at all when, in the course of events, it might make no difference at all.
By the time I had gotten halfway home, most of my productive feeling was gone.
I had to consciously pull myself back from this brink of irrelevance. I was predicting events that I had no evidence would actually come to pass. The reality, as I had to remind myself, was that the possibility of everything that I had categorized did have the potential of coming true - but so did the potential of things going right as well. I would know that no more than I would know that the first set of things I saw coming true would happen. I had done what I could, made my preparations. Now I would simply have to live out the event.
I finished the ride home in a better mood - perhaps not quite the mood I had started out in but certainly not the mood I had let myself wander into either. It was simply a matter of realizing my perspective - and being willing to talk myself back out of what I had talked myself in to.
It started simply enough, driving along as I was coming home from a Saturday of work in preparation for an important company project. It was a productive day and I left feeling as if I had done everything I could possibly do to prepare for the event.
But then as I drove along, I began to get cranky.
Suddenly visions of possible events - all lousy ones - filled my head. The extra preparation which would go unnoticed if things went well. The extra blame that would be heaped up if things did not go so well. The lack of impact on my year end review because of prejudgements others had made. The fact that I was doing this at all when, in the course of events, it might make no difference at all.
By the time I had gotten halfway home, most of my productive feeling was gone.
I had to consciously pull myself back from this brink of irrelevance. I was predicting events that I had no evidence would actually come to pass. The reality, as I had to remind myself, was that the possibility of everything that I had categorized did have the potential of coming true - but so did the potential of things going right as well. I would know that no more than I would know that the first set of things I saw coming true would happen. I had done what I could, made my preparations. Now I would simply have to live out the event.
I finished the ride home in a better mood - perhaps not quite the mood I had started out in but certainly not the mood I had let myself wander into either. It was simply a matter of realizing my perspective - and being willing to talk myself back out of what I had talked myself in to.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Humility
Grappling with humility again.
Humility is tough for virtually everyone I suppose. I am no different in that aspect. What is always dogging me is the twin thoughts of 1) I need to be more humble; and 2) The humble are always overrun by those who are not.
As I have reasoned before, much of my life - choice of careers, family, friends - is really (or is really supposed to be) an exercise in servanthood: serving the needs of those I am around. Sounds really noble, does it not? The (at least to my selfish mind) pathetic reality is that being a servant can be depressing: you are always getting "given" actions by others to complete and one can continually be doing things for others - to the point that you will have no time to do anything for yourself. And recognition is often scant, a difficult pill to swallow for someone who loves to be the center of attention.
Another issue - one that perhaps bugs me even more - is that those who are "above" you somehow especially see it as a their job to make sure that you serve them. Tasks that theoretically need to be accomplished as a group or team suddenly become largely your responsibility to orchestrate and accomplish, even though we are a "team" or "group". While theoretically this should correspond to the concept of serving, what it actually does is create the sense of servitude, not servanthood.
But I am called to be humble, to serve others. How do I make this work with my inherent desire to be important and feel noticed rather than to serve and be satisfied with obscurity? How do I live out the Gospel commands to have a servant's heart?
How does one become humble - and be satisfied with it?
Humility is tough for virtually everyone I suppose. I am no different in that aspect. What is always dogging me is the twin thoughts of 1) I need to be more humble; and 2) The humble are always overrun by those who are not.
As I have reasoned before, much of my life - choice of careers, family, friends - is really (or is really supposed to be) an exercise in servanthood: serving the needs of those I am around. Sounds really noble, does it not? The (at least to my selfish mind) pathetic reality is that being a servant can be depressing: you are always getting "given" actions by others to complete and one can continually be doing things for others - to the point that you will have no time to do anything for yourself. And recognition is often scant, a difficult pill to swallow for someone who loves to be the center of attention.
Another issue - one that perhaps bugs me even more - is that those who are "above" you somehow especially see it as a their job to make sure that you serve them. Tasks that theoretically need to be accomplished as a group or team suddenly become largely your responsibility to orchestrate and accomplish, even though we are a "team" or "group". While theoretically this should correspond to the concept of serving, what it actually does is create the sense of servitude, not servanthood.
But I am called to be humble, to serve others. How do I make this work with my inherent desire to be important and feel noticed rather than to serve and be satisfied with obscurity? How do I live out the Gospel commands to have a servant's heart?
How does one become humble - and be satisfied with it?
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Pointless Day
A day of pointlessness awaits.
Not that it is not busy. Essentially I will hit the ground from commuting running, spending the entire day (excepting lunch) in meetings or trainings. While I am in these meetings there is work that needs to be done: documents that need to be reviewed, items that need to be signed, questions that need to be asked - all of which, of course, will have to be filled in around the margins. Then I will commute back home (1.5 hours it took last night) to try and cram in whatever actual life I am trying to have. If I am smart (and I seldom am) I will try to sleep at a reasonable hour, thus further constricting my other time. This is what my life seems to have become.
These are those days when I sincerely ask "Is this it?" Because I can go through the entire day, meet everyone else's expectations of me and still feel as if I have accomplished not one thing. Which of course leaves me completely cold about starting the day at all.
It is not that life is horribly bad, I suppose. It is just that it is so bureaucratic, so layered with tasks and jobs of little seeming importance that must be accomplished that I scarcely feel that it will be anything but a day of life ultimately wasted in the pursuit of trivia.
In other words, a pointless day
Not that it is not busy. Essentially I will hit the ground from commuting running, spending the entire day (excepting lunch) in meetings or trainings. While I am in these meetings there is work that needs to be done: documents that need to be reviewed, items that need to be signed, questions that need to be asked - all of which, of course, will have to be filled in around the margins. Then I will commute back home (1.5 hours it took last night) to try and cram in whatever actual life I am trying to have. If I am smart (and I seldom am) I will try to sleep at a reasonable hour, thus further constricting my other time. This is what my life seems to have become.
These are those days when I sincerely ask "Is this it?" Because I can go through the entire day, meet everyone else's expectations of me and still feel as if I have accomplished not one thing. Which of course leaves me completely cold about starting the day at all.
It is not that life is horribly bad, I suppose. It is just that it is so bureaucratic, so layered with tasks and jobs of little seeming importance that must be accomplished that I scarcely feel that it will be anything but a day of life ultimately wasted in the pursuit of trivia.
In other words, a pointless day
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Hesitation Considered
I am continuing to work towards my in-dojo certification in Iaijutsu. The testing ultimately involves a rather diverse set of knowledge - not only kata but terminology and history as well. It is a rather extensive set of knowledge, much of it behind the scenes for anyone who is a casual observer.
The one part that I have struggled with the most is that open hand kata - in other words, the part where one is use just one's hands to defend one's self (the world pictures this more as "karate" or some other martial art). Some of this is knowledge, of course - I am a slow kinetic learner and so I have to repeat things a multiplicity of times - but some of it seems to be a true mental block on my part to be able to learn things.
This is bothersome to me.
Is it a lack of confidence? Perhaps. I have never really done anything like I am doing now and so (in my heart of hearts) I doubt that I can do it. Is it a feeling that I will never be able to do it correctly (different from self confidence in that it is not my ability to do it but my ability to do it well that is in question)? Again, perhaps - although the great secret of iaijutsu is that in fact we are on all on a journey of constant self improvement, getting incrementally better over the course of our lives. Or could simply be a simple fear that I will accidentally hurt someone in my practicing? Again perhaps - I have accidentally done so before in my life, although in this I can my certain: my jousting partners are far stronger and more experienced than I.
So what is it?
I wish I knew. The nagging doubts constantly assail me, that I will get to the point testing and choke. Visions of a failed test assail me, even more so than the vision of holding the certificate in my hand.
So what to do?
Practice. That is all I can do. Practice and practice again. Move my body in the ways it should until it does what it should be doing, even if my mind continues to suffer from a lack of confidence. Practice until my body is simply able to put my mind aside and carry on.
The reality - something I happily quote to everyone else around me - is that all experts started out as amateurs with no better knowledge base than I have. They just got better.
Time to practice what I preach.
The one part that I have struggled with the most is that open hand kata - in other words, the part where one is use just one's hands to defend one's self (the world pictures this more as "karate" or some other martial art). Some of this is knowledge, of course - I am a slow kinetic learner and so I have to repeat things a multiplicity of times - but some of it seems to be a true mental block on my part to be able to learn things.
This is bothersome to me.
Is it a lack of confidence? Perhaps. I have never really done anything like I am doing now and so (in my heart of hearts) I doubt that I can do it. Is it a feeling that I will never be able to do it correctly (different from self confidence in that it is not my ability to do it but my ability to do it well that is in question)? Again, perhaps - although the great secret of iaijutsu is that in fact we are on all on a journey of constant self improvement, getting incrementally better over the course of our lives. Or could simply be a simple fear that I will accidentally hurt someone in my practicing? Again perhaps - I have accidentally done so before in my life, although in this I can my certain: my jousting partners are far stronger and more experienced than I.
So what is it?
I wish I knew. The nagging doubts constantly assail me, that I will get to the point testing and choke. Visions of a failed test assail me, even more so than the vision of holding the certificate in my hand.
So what to do?
Practice. That is all I can do. Practice and practice again. Move my body in the ways it should until it does what it should be doing, even if my mind continues to suffer from a lack of confidence. Practice until my body is simply able to put my mind aside and carry on.
The reality - something I happily quote to everyone else around me - is that all experts started out as amateurs with no better knowledge base than I have. They just got better.
Time to practice what I preach.
Monday, December 09, 2013
Today
There are days where I feel
that Monday is here and I am ready:
ready to take on the world,
ready to take on work.
But not today.
Today I feel unrested mentally.
Today I feel physically out of sorts:
slept not enough - or too much?
Either way, I got up late.
Today my mind is cloud with debris of the weekend,
letting things of no importance eat away my time:
Avoidance perhaps? Pretending that what I have to do
is not coming?
Perhaps.
But today is here.
And so I try to put aside that which clouds my mind and soul
and be about the business of living.
Tomorrow will be better.
that Monday is here and I am ready:
ready to take on the world,
ready to take on work.
But not today.
Today I feel unrested mentally.
Today I feel physically out of sorts:
slept not enough - or too much?
Either way, I got up late.
Today my mind is cloud with debris of the weekend,
letting things of no importance eat away my time:
Avoidance perhaps? Pretending that what I have to do
is not coming?
Perhaps.
But today is here.
And so I try to put aside that which clouds my mind and soul
and be about the business of living.
Tomorrow will be better.
Friday, December 06, 2013
Idiot
I do not like being called an idiot.
Oh, it is not like this is a common occurrence in my life or ever has been. Certainly no-one has walked up to me lately and said "You know, you are an idiot". But what I do resent - or at least what a thought process lead me to realize I resent - is the implication that I am an idiot.
An idiot? Stupid. Uneducated. Do not know what I am doing - so much so that people take it upon themselves to do the things they have asked me to do.
Where did this come from? Stellar question. I do not really have a good answer to give. I think of specific incidents in my life where such a thing has occurred but never the "first time" that lead to all this. More relevant, of course, is why all of this matters.
Why does it matter? Because of the reaction it generates within me: I become defensive, angry, even sullen in a sort of "drag my feet I will do what you want but as slowly as possibly". Not the sort of reaction one needs if one wants to move forward with one's life.
And why does it make me feel this way? I have given this some thought. The reason seems to be what you are implying when you effectively treat me as an idiot. You demean me. You ignore what I am saying or doing and treat it as it is not important - maybe because it is wrong or not the best way to do it but just as likely because it does not meet the way you want to do it e.g. your ego. If you are really trying to do it effectively, you will do it in public so you can effectively humiliate me in front of everyone else and make look stupid. Or foolish.
Like an idiot.
This realization was actually quite freeing once it happened. Suddenly a great deal of my reactions to certain individuals and certain situations was clearly explained. Why is it that I can freely make and admit errors to some with no shame or reaction - even good humor - why other times such things and the reactions set my teeth on edge? Simple. In one situation it an error, something I have done. In the second, it is an error but the implication is that it is something that I am.
Could pride be involved here? Possibly. I tend to have a vision of how I would like the world to view me and how I see myself and the implication that I am stupid or ignorant or uneducated does not play well with that vision. To that extent, that is something I will need to resolve myself.
But the other part - that part I need to parse out internally - is simply how to avoid reacting that way in those other situations. How do I transfer that sense of being called an idiot away from a personal assessment and into another channel? How do I manage my rising tide of anger and resentment when such a thing happens? Here lies ulimate conquest and power.
Being called an idiot may happen from time to time. Taking it to heart should not.
Oh, it is not like this is a common occurrence in my life or ever has been. Certainly no-one has walked up to me lately and said "You know, you are an idiot". But what I do resent - or at least what a thought process lead me to realize I resent - is the implication that I am an idiot.
An idiot? Stupid. Uneducated. Do not know what I am doing - so much so that people take it upon themselves to do the things they have asked me to do.
Where did this come from? Stellar question. I do not really have a good answer to give. I think of specific incidents in my life where such a thing has occurred but never the "first time" that lead to all this. More relevant, of course, is why all of this matters.
Why does it matter? Because of the reaction it generates within me: I become defensive, angry, even sullen in a sort of "drag my feet I will do what you want but as slowly as possibly". Not the sort of reaction one needs if one wants to move forward with one's life.
And why does it make me feel this way? I have given this some thought. The reason seems to be what you are implying when you effectively treat me as an idiot. You demean me. You ignore what I am saying or doing and treat it as it is not important - maybe because it is wrong or not the best way to do it but just as likely because it does not meet the way you want to do it e.g. your ego. If you are really trying to do it effectively, you will do it in public so you can effectively humiliate me in front of everyone else and make look stupid. Or foolish.
Like an idiot.
This realization was actually quite freeing once it happened. Suddenly a great deal of my reactions to certain individuals and certain situations was clearly explained. Why is it that I can freely make and admit errors to some with no shame or reaction - even good humor - why other times such things and the reactions set my teeth on edge? Simple. In one situation it an error, something I have done. In the second, it is an error but the implication is that it is something that I am.
Could pride be involved here? Possibly. I tend to have a vision of how I would like the world to view me and how I see myself and the implication that I am stupid or ignorant or uneducated does not play well with that vision. To that extent, that is something I will need to resolve myself.
But the other part - that part I need to parse out internally - is simply how to avoid reacting that way in those other situations. How do I transfer that sense of being called an idiot away from a personal assessment and into another channel? How do I manage my rising tide of anger and resentment when such a thing happens? Here lies ulimate conquest and power.
Being called an idiot may happen from time to time. Taking it to heart should not.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
Reflections on a Winter's Morning
As I sit typing this morning the wind is whipping across the chimney and howling down through the fireplace. If I go and stand outside the front door the trees are bending with the force of the front as it blows in. The ground, which betrayed nothing but the appearance of summer yesterday, is now damp from the unheard rain that fell sometimes in the night. After a brief foray back into the Autumn that never seems to be long enough we have careened directly into Winter.
The cold is the thing I like the least. I can certainly deal with rain. I can even deal with the wind (although we never had a great deal like this where I came from). The one thing that I cannot wrap my head around is cold - not just the cold of winter, but the cold that cracks your fingers and makes sure that you are never really that warm, the sort of days you wish you had the covering of snow to at least make the cold worth it.
But these are some of the best days to be inside watching. The trees dance in the wind here unlike anything I have seen before in my life: not the gentle swaying of the pines at the Ranch as the wind blows over the Sierras nor the majesty of the Redwoods of my college days where the trees are so large and tall that they do not seem to move at all. The oaks and cedars here flail back and forth as if shaken by a rather large hand, standing where the larger trees would probably break
It is a privilege - and one I do not feel grateful for often enough - that I have had the opportunity to live in some many places so that I can see and experience such things. That I can look at trees and know that they do not behave the same way other places. That the wind roars down here from Canada where in other places I have lived it roared from over the ocean. They both roar and they both bring rain - but how differently they do so.
How wonderful - and suprisingly different while being the same - is God's creation.
The cold is the thing I like the least. I can certainly deal with rain. I can even deal with the wind (although we never had a great deal like this where I came from). The one thing that I cannot wrap my head around is cold - not just the cold of winter, but the cold that cracks your fingers and makes sure that you are never really that warm, the sort of days you wish you had the covering of snow to at least make the cold worth it.
But these are some of the best days to be inside watching. The trees dance in the wind here unlike anything I have seen before in my life: not the gentle swaying of the pines at the Ranch as the wind blows over the Sierras nor the majesty of the Redwoods of my college days where the trees are so large and tall that they do not seem to move at all. The oaks and cedars here flail back and forth as if shaken by a rather large hand, standing where the larger trees would probably break
It is a privilege - and one I do not feel grateful for often enough - that I have had the opportunity to live in some many places so that I can see and experience such things. That I can look at trees and know that they do not behave the same way other places. That the wind roars down here from Canada where in other places I have lived it roared from over the ocean. They both roar and they both bring rain - but how differently they do so.
How wonderful - and suprisingly different while being the same - is God's creation.
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Giving More Effort
One of the things I find I have difficulties with is giving my all in environments which are less than rewarding. It is one thing, of course, to put your effort in where effort equals outcome. It is quite a different thing to do where effort seems to go nowhere.
But I think I am viewing this incorrectly.
Jeffrey Gitomer at least got met to start thinking in another direction here with his article on customer service. His point, simply put, is as follows:
"KEY POINT OF UNDERSTANDING: Once you understand that you’re serving for yourself, once you understand that your attitude will determine your communication excellence, and once you understand your personal pride will dictate your actions – at once you see your possibilities, and will have the ability to better improve your performance."
It is not about them. That is something of a good reminder for me - them being the company, the client, the management, even other employees. The amount of effort I put in should be somewhat divorced from any immediate results which I might not see because ultimately the level of effort (or service, as Gitomer puts it) that I put in is a benefit to me - whether from my sense of pride about how I act and what I output or from the longer return that may be realized from it )e.g. get trained, work hard, take the experience and move on). It also allows me to work on improving my performance - that is, if I do not know where the edge of what I can do is, the change of me pushing that boundary is very limited.
There is also that indefinable quality that lets one go away from any situation like this and have the feeling that one did the best that one could, that one achieved something even if it was not recognized by anyone else. That may seem a bit quaint for some and certainly may not yield any tangible rewards but it does give one the psychic boost of having worked as hard as one could.
So yes, effort is important even if the situation does not seem to immediately reward it. I simply need to expand my vision to see all the possibilities.
But I think I am viewing this incorrectly.
Jeffrey Gitomer at least got met to start thinking in another direction here with his article on customer service. His point, simply put, is as follows:
"KEY POINT OF UNDERSTANDING: Once you understand that you’re serving for yourself, once you understand that your attitude will determine your communication excellence, and once you understand your personal pride will dictate your actions – at once you see your possibilities, and will have the ability to better improve your performance."
It is not about them. That is something of a good reminder for me - them being the company, the client, the management, even other employees. The amount of effort I put in should be somewhat divorced from any immediate results which I might not see because ultimately the level of effort (or service, as Gitomer puts it) that I put in is a benefit to me - whether from my sense of pride about how I act and what I output or from the longer return that may be realized from it )e.g. get trained, work hard, take the experience and move on). It also allows me to work on improving my performance - that is, if I do not know where the edge of what I can do is, the change of me pushing that boundary is very limited.
There is also that indefinable quality that lets one go away from any situation like this and have the feeling that one did the best that one could, that one achieved something even if it was not recognized by anyone else. That may seem a bit quaint for some and certainly may not yield any tangible rewards but it does give one the psychic boost of having worked as hard as one could.
So yes, effort is important even if the situation does not seem to immediately reward it. I simply need to expand my vision to see all the possibilities.
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
Extroverted Invtrovert
On the way to something else yesterday I suddenly discovered that I am an extroverted introvert.
I actually realized that I like people. I like interacting with them. I like (heaven forfend) talking to them. Not all the time of course. And not unconditionally. But a great deal more than what I thought I did.
I have always considered myself an introvert. But lately what has popped up a couple of times is that introversion is not so much preferring the absence of people as it is how you recharge. Extroverts can charge up in atmospheres with people, introverts need quiet time away to do so.
The quiet time away for recharging has not changed for me - there are weekends where after a typical week all I want to do is crawl into a hole and read. But recharging, as I have to make myself realize, is more of how we regain energy, not how that energy is spent. It is like a cell phone: the energy for it can be used quickly or slowly but it is still used. The phone still has to be plugged in somewhere.
What does this realization mean? It means that I can actually concede that I like spending time with people - and it is okay to mention that to myself. It means that I can give myself permission to seek out others to spend time with. And it certainly means that I can (and need) to work on honing up my conversational and relational abilities to be better at making and carrying conversations.
If I realize this, I am excited to come to grips with what it actually means as move on with this knowledge. Not that it really changes anything - but it would seem that everything changes.
I actually realized that I like people. I like interacting with them. I like (heaven forfend) talking to them. Not all the time of course. And not unconditionally. But a great deal more than what I thought I did.
I have always considered myself an introvert. But lately what has popped up a couple of times is that introversion is not so much preferring the absence of people as it is how you recharge. Extroverts can charge up in atmospheres with people, introverts need quiet time away to do so.
The quiet time away for recharging has not changed for me - there are weekends where after a typical week all I want to do is crawl into a hole and read. But recharging, as I have to make myself realize, is more of how we regain energy, not how that energy is spent. It is like a cell phone: the energy for it can be used quickly or slowly but it is still used. The phone still has to be plugged in somewhere.
What does this realization mean? It means that I can actually concede that I like spending time with people - and it is okay to mention that to myself. It means that I can give myself permission to seek out others to spend time with. And it certainly means that I can (and need) to work on honing up my conversational and relational abilities to be better at making and carrying conversations.
If I realize this, I am excited to come to grips with what it actually means as move on with this knowledge. Not that it really changes anything - but it would seem that everything changes.
Monday, December 02, 2013
Encourager?
What if your purpose in life was to encourage others in their purpose in life?
This is the thought that cross my mind over the course of the weekend - and having crossed my mind of course, refused to go away. What if that was it?
Not a coach, you understand, or a counselor or anything as glorified as that. A cheerleader. An encourager.
Is it something that I enjoy? Yes. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than seeing friends and family succeed in what they are doing, to find their place in the world. There are few things more pleasurable than watching someone discover what they want to do in life and then encouraging them to have the confidence to do it.
The good news? This is something I could start doing now. Today. There is no special equipment I need, no special training I have to acquire. It is as simple as making phone calls or reading e-mails and being supportive.
The bad news? It is not really a paying position.
Am I good at it? I think so. Certainly I can be great encourager to others. I have certainly assisted many of my own friends in trying new things or finding what they really want to do. And trust me - the world is full of people who can tear at one's dreams or rip the ground out from under you. An actual encourager is quite rare.
Professional Encourager. Hmmm. I wonder if there is a title for that?
This is the thought that cross my mind over the course of the weekend - and having crossed my mind of course, refused to go away. What if that was it?
Not a coach, you understand, or a counselor or anything as glorified as that. A cheerleader. An encourager.
Is it something that I enjoy? Yes. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than seeing friends and family succeed in what they are doing, to find their place in the world. There are few things more pleasurable than watching someone discover what they want to do in life and then encouraging them to have the confidence to do it.
The good news? This is something I could start doing now. Today. There is no special equipment I need, no special training I have to acquire. It is as simple as making phone calls or reading e-mails and being supportive.
The bad news? It is not really a paying position.
Am I good at it? I think so. Certainly I can be great encourager to others. I have certainly assisted many of my own friends in trying new things or finding what they really want to do. And trust me - the world is full of people who can tear at one's dreams or rip the ground out from under you. An actual encourager is quite rare.
Professional Encourager. Hmmm. I wonder if there is a title for that?
Friday, November 29, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Ruts
To what extent am I trapped in ruts of thinking?
Readings Inc.'s 2013 Entrepreneur of the year, the 28 year old who created Box.com, I wonder. Do I not think broadly enough? Do I not think widely enough?
Thinking and ruts have dominated my 2014 goal considerations as well. I am contemplating something which I had not really tried before: focusing within.
The thought is that I would not consciously add another new activity to those that I am doing this year. Instead I would work to consolidate my gains in area where I have already made progress. But even these may represent ruts in my thought patterns, consolidations of things that are essentially dead ends. By focusing more deeply, am I merely focusing on things that will keep me in ruts?
I am seemingly held in chains which are largely of my own forging. What if, as part of this exercise, I merely walked through these chains?
Heady stuff. The stuff of the mad. The stuff of legend.
"Common sense will not accomplish great things. Simply become insane and desperate." - Nabeshima no Naoshige
Readings Inc.'s 2013 Entrepreneur of the year, the 28 year old who created Box.com, I wonder. Do I not think broadly enough? Do I not think widely enough?
Thinking and ruts have dominated my 2014 goal considerations as well. I am contemplating something which I had not really tried before: focusing within.
The thought is that I would not consciously add another new activity to those that I am doing this year. Instead I would work to consolidate my gains in area where I have already made progress. But even these may represent ruts in my thought patterns, consolidations of things that are essentially dead ends. By focusing more deeply, am I merely focusing on things that will keep me in ruts?
I am seemingly held in chains which are largely of my own forging. What if, as part of this exercise, I merely walked through these chains?
Heady stuff. The stuff of the mad. The stuff of legend.
"Common sense will not accomplish great things. Simply become insane and desperate." - Nabeshima no Naoshige
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
2014 Goals - II
So I am struggling this morning as I consider the rough draft of my goals for 2014. It revolves around deciding what the next step should be. I have two choices really: continue in what I am doing and go with that or look to something completely different.
Yes, I know that I was toying with the same thought yesterday. It is a bit different though: I need to seriously consider the implications.
Implications? Three. Time, money, and relationships - not necessarily in that order.
1) Time: Whatever I pick up, even if it were to follow something sensible instead of my own heart, will require the investment of time. What would I be willing to put on hold while I pursued this (shadowy at this point) new career?
2) Money: No matter what I might think of doing some kind of investment is likely to be required. Where will the money come from? What sort of investment will it take - and what would I move to the side to do it?
3) Relationships: Following something different would most likely change the time and energy I spend with those closet to me - quite possibly at the time where that energy is most needed here, instead of forging a new path of my own. What are the implications of that reinvestment?
So balancing the two - what I do versus possibly something I might like doing but have to learn - is there a way clear? If I had to sacrifice one to the other, which one would give? I know which one should give - relationships should always trump all. Is there a way that I could make such things work in the context of relationships?
I am not sure - but neither am I convinced that merely trying more, harder, will give me the results I seek.
Yes, I know that I was toying with the same thought yesterday. It is a bit different though: I need to seriously consider the implications.
Implications? Three. Time, money, and relationships - not necessarily in that order.
1) Time: Whatever I pick up, even if it were to follow something sensible instead of my own heart, will require the investment of time. What would I be willing to put on hold while I pursued this (shadowy at this point) new career?
2) Money: No matter what I might think of doing some kind of investment is likely to be required. Where will the money come from? What sort of investment will it take - and what would I move to the side to do it?
3) Relationships: Following something different would most likely change the time and energy I spend with those closet to me - quite possibly at the time where that energy is most needed here, instead of forging a new path of my own. What are the implications of that reinvestment?
So balancing the two - what I do versus possibly something I might like doing but have to learn - is there a way clear? If I had to sacrifice one to the other, which one would give? I know which one should give - relationships should always trump all. Is there a way that I could make such things work in the context of relationships?
I am not sure - but neither am I convinced that merely trying more, harder, will give me the results I seek.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Effort and Self Competition
One of the nice things about vacations is that it gives you time to think. One of the not so nice things about vacation is that it gives you time to think.
Which I needed, I guess. I see thinking and pondering much as I see the sleep which I am sudden catching up on: you can go without it for a while, but in the end the lack of it catches up with you.
Part of the stopping and the thinking is looking at where I am - today, right now. Is this where I had intended to be in any stretch of the imagination? No way - not all of it bad, you understand, just no way. There has been a great deal of bouncing around in my life, of veering from one extreme to the other, of finding things and moving down paths which were never originally thought of but enjoyable.
I wonder, in the surfeit of additional thought, if this is a result of not being happy in what I do. Certainly I have come to put more hope and satisfaction with anything else in my life in anything but my current career choice and there is no way I can possibly imagine that it would result in the sort of deep seated satisfaction with other things in my life. This is a long term disaster waiting to happen, of course, because in the end I cannot simply advance in something that is done half heartedly.
I can argue (in the back of my head) that effort is not really noticed nor worth it, that no matter how hard I try it will not matter. That is remarkably odd, considering the fact that this is the only aspect of my life where I am willing to accept this. In everything else, I follow the very simple formula of effort = achievement. And along with this first axiom, I have the second formula of I am really only competing against myself. If I do better, then I have succeeded. Why can I not apply this to my working life as well?
Is it because I have no control of those things at my work? This is true to some extent - but at the same time, there are definitively things that I do have control over. And certainly if I do something better, I do something better for myself first and then others, no matter what the reward is.
Which leaves me at the point of a decision: Treat work like anything else in my life with the same expectations and results, or abandon it in the realization that this formula does not work. Where would this leave me? I have no idea. But the simple fact that such a bifurcation exists cannot, for my own sense of wholeness, be allowed to continue.
Which I needed, I guess. I see thinking and pondering much as I see the sleep which I am sudden catching up on: you can go without it for a while, but in the end the lack of it catches up with you.
Part of the stopping and the thinking is looking at where I am - today, right now. Is this where I had intended to be in any stretch of the imagination? No way - not all of it bad, you understand, just no way. There has been a great deal of bouncing around in my life, of veering from one extreme to the other, of finding things and moving down paths which were never originally thought of but enjoyable.
I wonder, in the surfeit of additional thought, if this is a result of not being happy in what I do. Certainly I have come to put more hope and satisfaction with anything else in my life in anything but my current career choice and there is no way I can possibly imagine that it would result in the sort of deep seated satisfaction with other things in my life. This is a long term disaster waiting to happen, of course, because in the end I cannot simply advance in something that is done half heartedly.
I can argue (in the back of my head) that effort is not really noticed nor worth it, that no matter how hard I try it will not matter. That is remarkably odd, considering the fact that this is the only aspect of my life where I am willing to accept this. In everything else, I follow the very simple formula of effort = achievement. And along with this first axiom, I have the second formula of I am really only competing against myself. If I do better, then I have succeeded. Why can I not apply this to my working life as well?
Is it because I have no control of those things at my work? This is true to some extent - but at the same time, there are definitively things that I do have control over. And certainly if I do something better, I do something better for myself first and then others, no matter what the reward is.
Which leaves me at the point of a decision: Treat work like anything else in my life with the same expectations and results, or abandon it in the realization that this formula does not work. Where would this leave me? I have no idea. But the simple fact that such a bifurcation exists cannot, for my own sense of wholeness, be allowed to continue.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Dead Headed
My life feels deadheaded.
Deadheading (not the fans of the Grateful Dead, of course) is the activity whereby one removes old and withered flower blossoms to allow the new blossoms to take all the energy. It also creates a more pleasing appearance to the plant: instead of being littered with a combination of dead and living flowers, one sees only the living ones.
My life now feels covered with dead and living flowers.
Most poignant to me at this moment is writing. I have had (in my more fantastic moments) the dream of being an author, of making part of or all of my living writing. I love to do it. Occasionally I like to believe myself talented at it. And then I look at what the sales are for the book I recently wrote and finally published - indeed, for all of the books I have written, and realize that truly I am no author. I might like to write, but am not an author.
And then I go through the list of things in my life - the activities, the relationships, the dreams and the realities - and suddenly realize that I am not really anything that I would believe myself to be or even wanted to be. The reality is that - like it or not - I am pretty much a mid-grade paper pusher with many hobbies that will lead me nowhere. And, given circumstances, all I will ever be is precisely this.
I would love to say that the solution is simply to focus on what I actually do and become really skilled at it. And maybe I should - certainly everything else I am doing seems to be leading nowhere. But to do this almost smells of defeat and has no more guarantee than anything else of fulfillment or joy or even just a certain sense of satisfaction of living.
The frightening thing, then, is that I find myself in the position of possibly needing to deadhead my life - and the fear that, if I do this, there will be almost no blooms left.
And the ones that will be left are the ones I do not want to have.
Deadheading (not the fans of the Grateful Dead, of course) is the activity whereby one removes old and withered flower blossoms to allow the new blossoms to take all the energy. It also creates a more pleasing appearance to the plant: instead of being littered with a combination of dead and living flowers, one sees only the living ones.
My life now feels covered with dead and living flowers.
Most poignant to me at this moment is writing. I have had (in my more fantastic moments) the dream of being an author, of making part of or all of my living writing. I love to do it. Occasionally I like to believe myself talented at it. And then I look at what the sales are for the book I recently wrote and finally published - indeed, for all of the books I have written, and realize that truly I am no author. I might like to write, but am not an author.
And then I go through the list of things in my life - the activities, the relationships, the dreams and the realities - and suddenly realize that I am not really anything that I would believe myself to be or even wanted to be. The reality is that - like it or not - I am pretty much a mid-grade paper pusher with many hobbies that will lead me nowhere. And, given circumstances, all I will ever be is precisely this.
I would love to say that the solution is simply to focus on what I actually do and become really skilled at it. And maybe I should - certainly everything else I am doing seems to be leading nowhere. But to do this almost smells of defeat and has no more guarantee than anything else of fulfillment or joy or even just a certain sense of satisfaction of living.
The frightening thing, then, is that I find myself in the position of possibly needing to deadhead my life - and the fear that, if I do this, there will be almost no blooms left.
And the ones that will be left are the ones I do not want to have.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Discouragement
The problem with writing about encouragement, of course, is that discouragement also exists. Like this morning, when I simply not feeling the slightest bit of desire to do anything.
Discouragement can come from two places. The one that seems to easiest to speak about, based on the writings of the last few days, is that of the external: people who brings you down instead of up. Circumstances that tear away at your desire to do anything, let alone succeed at it. The minor bruises and chips of life that wear us down.
But there is a second, equally pernicious enabler of discouragement: that which comes from within ourselves.
We are often the greatest purveyors of our own discouragement. The circumstances around us do not ultimately determine how we will feel encouraged: we do. We can be shining lights in the midst of darkness - or pools of darkness within the midst of light. We can take every circumstance of good in our life and still only be discouraged about ourselves.
Is it hard? Certainly. Sometimes it seems that there simply is nothing to be encouraged about. Outside circumstances do not go our way. Inner circumstances are not moving forward the way we would like.
And suddenly, discouragement.
The solution? Oh, I wish I had a better one than something that sounds trite like "give thanks" or "just fake it until you make it". Neither of these really seems to work for me on a regular or predictable basis. Instead I just try to hold on, hoping that I can outlast it until I get into a better frame of mind.
Because between the times of encouragement, that is sometimes all you have.
Discouragement can come from two places. The one that seems to easiest to speak about, based on the writings of the last few days, is that of the external: people who brings you down instead of up. Circumstances that tear away at your desire to do anything, let alone succeed at it. The minor bruises and chips of life that wear us down.
But there is a second, equally pernicious enabler of discouragement: that which comes from within ourselves.
We are often the greatest purveyors of our own discouragement. The circumstances around us do not ultimately determine how we will feel encouraged: we do. We can be shining lights in the midst of darkness - or pools of darkness within the midst of light. We can take every circumstance of good in our life and still only be discouraged about ourselves.
Is it hard? Certainly. Sometimes it seems that there simply is nothing to be encouraged about. Outside circumstances do not go our way. Inner circumstances are not moving forward the way we would like.
And suddenly, discouragement.
The solution? Oh, I wish I had a better one than something that sounds trite like "give thanks" or "just fake it until you make it". Neither of these really seems to work for me on a regular or predictable basis. Instead I just try to hold on, hoping that I can outlast it until I get into a better frame of mind.
Because between the times of encouragement, that is sometimes all you have.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Encouragement III- How to Create an Environment of It
So how does one create an environment of encouragement?
It is certainly wonderful if one can wander in to such an environment - but the reality is that such things truly seem to be random. And they are highly dependent on others, who may or may not also be interested creating such an environment. Ultimately the only control that we have over such a thing is to make it ourselves -which also makes sense purely from the idea that we control that which we create instead of being a victim of it. But how do we get from here to there?
The first aspect is the hardest: a change of mind. We simply need to embrace the fact that we are no longer going to engage in the same behavior as those around us, that we are going to seek to become a source of encouragement to ourselves and others rather than a source of discouragement. This decision alone will absorb a great deal of our time as we try to reprogram how we think about the world around us and the environments we are in.
The second aspect is a change of behavior. We consciously need to to choose to use our words and actions to encourage, not discourage. This is, at least for me, a great deal harder than I would like to think it is. My reaction too often in life to discourage right back or sign, shrug my shoulders, and woefully carry on - or seek to get in that "zing" that allows me to feel better about a bad situation by one-upmanship. This needs to all be replaced by the conscious decision to speak encouragingly and act encouragingly to everyone we come across.
The third aspect, a longer term one, is to look for those environments that are encouraging. Lived in long enough, even the most encouraging person will get torn down by the acidic environment of negativity and discouragement. We need to take every opportunity to put ourselves in the right environment - even if it means making change in our own lives.
Encouragement will free us to accomplish more than we every dreamed of. We just need to choose to make in and find it in our own lives.
It is certainly wonderful if one can wander in to such an environment - but the reality is that such things truly seem to be random. And they are highly dependent on others, who may or may not also be interested creating such an environment. Ultimately the only control that we have over such a thing is to make it ourselves -which also makes sense purely from the idea that we control that which we create instead of being a victim of it. But how do we get from here to there?
The first aspect is the hardest: a change of mind. We simply need to embrace the fact that we are no longer going to engage in the same behavior as those around us, that we are going to seek to become a source of encouragement to ourselves and others rather than a source of discouragement. This decision alone will absorb a great deal of our time as we try to reprogram how we think about the world around us and the environments we are in.
The second aspect is a change of behavior. We consciously need to to choose to use our words and actions to encourage, not discourage. This is, at least for me, a great deal harder than I would like to think it is. My reaction too often in life to discourage right back or sign, shrug my shoulders, and woefully carry on - or seek to get in that "zing" that allows me to feel better about a bad situation by one-upmanship. This needs to all be replaced by the conscious decision to speak encouragingly and act encouragingly to everyone we come across.
The third aspect, a longer term one, is to look for those environments that are encouraging. Lived in long enough, even the most encouraging person will get torn down by the acidic environment of negativity and discouragement. We need to take every opportunity to put ourselves in the right environment - even if it means making change in our own lives.
Encouragement will free us to accomplish more than we every dreamed of. We just need to choose to make in and find it in our own lives.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Encouragement II
This thing about encouragement is eating at me (in a good way).
Encouragement equals achievement. I cannot think of a more clear way to state it. To be sure, encouragement can come in many forms - perhaps in the form of self encouragement (the hardest, I am sure), perhaps in the form of a teacher, most definitely in the form of those around us. And is not solely the power of the encouragement alone - although that is a strong motivator. It is the atmosphere that such encouragement creates that creates the place where achievement becomes not only more possible, but likely. But how is such an environment created? Herein lies the thing which, if properly understood, could be the sort of thing that changes individuals, families, companies, even cultures.
Encouragement is not a total blinding to the nature of things as they stand. Instead, it is the underlying belief and resulting atmosphere that while the potential of failure is understood to be present, that the potential to do better is always possible - and likely - as well. If one fails or does poorly, the individual does not collapse into a heap of discouragement without hope nor do those around them pile on. The understanding is that one will - and can - do better next time.
Is such an atmosphere the same as a blind belief that we must support no matter what in order to build the self esteem of others based on nothing more than a sense that they need to feel better about themselves to achieve? Not at all. There are expectations in the encouraging environment to be sure: that one is truly trying their hardest and wants to get better, that lack of effort is not the same as a low level of skill of talent and so will not be rewarded, that one is as interested in getting better as all others present, and that one is able to work within the environment to help others feel the same level of encouragement. There is no free right of support of others in such a place.
But I am coming to believe that such an environment as I have described above is crucial to success. With such things someone can do things they never thought possible because they are in an environment where such things are believed and expected to be possible. That environment, as we have mentioned, can be as little as one person - but that one person makes all the difference in the world.
Which begs the question: how do we find, create, and or nourish such an environment?
Encouragement equals achievement. I cannot think of a more clear way to state it. To be sure, encouragement can come in many forms - perhaps in the form of self encouragement (the hardest, I am sure), perhaps in the form of a teacher, most definitely in the form of those around us. And is not solely the power of the encouragement alone - although that is a strong motivator. It is the atmosphere that such encouragement creates that creates the place where achievement becomes not only more possible, but likely. But how is such an environment created? Herein lies the thing which, if properly understood, could be the sort of thing that changes individuals, families, companies, even cultures.
Encouragement is not a total blinding to the nature of things as they stand. Instead, it is the underlying belief and resulting atmosphere that while the potential of failure is understood to be present, that the potential to do better is always possible - and likely - as well. If one fails or does poorly, the individual does not collapse into a heap of discouragement without hope nor do those around them pile on. The understanding is that one will - and can - do better next time.
Is such an atmosphere the same as a blind belief that we must support no matter what in order to build the self esteem of others based on nothing more than a sense that they need to feel better about themselves to achieve? Not at all. There are expectations in the encouraging environment to be sure: that one is truly trying their hardest and wants to get better, that lack of effort is not the same as a low level of skill of talent and so will not be rewarded, that one is as interested in getting better as all others present, and that one is able to work within the environment to help others feel the same level of encouragement. There is no free right of support of others in such a place.
But I am coming to believe that such an environment as I have described above is crucial to success. With such things someone can do things they never thought possible because they are in an environment where such things are believed and expected to be possible. That environment, as we have mentioned, can be as little as one person - but that one person makes all the difference in the world.
Which begs the question: how do we find, create, and or nourish such an environment?
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Encouragement
I have been much caught up in the process and results of encouragement this year, far more than I had intended to when I started the year. Why? Because I have come to see what a necessity it is to any sort of achievement and what a destructive force the lack of it can be.
I have noticed -especially through my throwing - that encouragement is the thing that makes all the difference. Let us be honest: I am not a man of particular height or build or musculature. My ability to throw - at least now- is, well, less than significant. But what I find -what everyone that steps out onto the Heavy Athletics field finds - is that the fellow athletes on the field are nothing but supportive. Encouragement flows freely. Assistance is more than available if one simply asks. The only criticism that is allowed by unwritten rule is that of self criticism.
The result? I continue to throw - as much encouraged by the fact by the encouragement is there as by the fact I enjoy it so much. And who would enjoy coming to something where one knew that no matter how one was going to do one would be encouraged?
Take the opposite and unfortunate example: a job, for example, where one's efforts and labor are never really noticed. Work that is done simply fades into the background and there is no encouragement provided except the underlying phrase of "If you do not like it, walk". The result? An environment where effort becomes grudging, where individuals begin to quickly consider what their other options are.
My question becomes why. Why can we find some things, such as hobbies or interests, where encouragement seems so freely given and received and other things, the "more important" things of life such as a career, where encouragement is so grudgingly given? The results of encouragement - greater effort, happier people, a better environment - are true no matter where they are done. Why is such a thing not applied universally if there are universal results?
I cannot change situations of course, but I can change myself. I am trying - with greater success - to make sure that I am an encourager to anyone in the circumstances. If they like something they are doing, great. If they do not like they are doing and want to change, I encourage them to find themselves. I want, at least so far as I can, to encourage people, to give them the boost and feeling of accomplishment that others have gifted me with.
It really does make all the difference in the world.
I have noticed -especially through my throwing - that encouragement is the thing that makes all the difference. Let us be honest: I am not a man of particular height or build or musculature. My ability to throw - at least now- is, well, less than significant. But what I find -what everyone that steps out onto the Heavy Athletics field finds - is that the fellow athletes on the field are nothing but supportive. Encouragement flows freely. Assistance is more than available if one simply asks. The only criticism that is allowed by unwritten rule is that of self criticism.
The result? I continue to throw - as much encouraged by the fact by the encouragement is there as by the fact I enjoy it so much. And who would enjoy coming to something where one knew that no matter how one was going to do one would be encouraged?
Take the opposite and unfortunate example: a job, for example, where one's efforts and labor are never really noticed. Work that is done simply fades into the background and there is no encouragement provided except the underlying phrase of "If you do not like it, walk". The result? An environment where effort becomes grudging, where individuals begin to quickly consider what their other options are.
My question becomes why. Why can we find some things, such as hobbies or interests, where encouragement seems so freely given and received and other things, the "more important" things of life such as a career, where encouragement is so grudgingly given? The results of encouragement - greater effort, happier people, a better environment - are true no matter where they are done. Why is such a thing not applied universally if there are universal results?
I cannot change situations of course, but I can change myself. I am trying - with greater success - to make sure that I am an encourager to anyone in the circumstances. If they like something they are doing, great. If they do not like they are doing and want to change, I encourage them to find themselves. I want, at least so far as I can, to encourage people, to give them the boost and feeling of accomplishment that others have gifted me with.
It really does make all the difference in the world.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
A Chance Style Encounter
Profundities occur when we least expect them.
Yesterday I sat for a free hairstyling to help an intern at a friend's salon. It is part of the consideration process they do: they review the final cut to make sure she has the skill level necessary to be a credit to the salon.
The very nice young lady (we'll call her A) surprised me in more that one way. She said she was 19 (but you would not have known it from her carriage and her dress - I know 30 year old individuals that look and seem less mature). She and her boyfriend had moved here from Chicago? Why? He had found a job in his field (a power pole lineman - he is also 19) and so they moved.
I asked her how she had come into hairdressing. She said that it was something that she had always wanted to do but people in her life, including her mother, had discouraged her as they had told her that she would not make enough money at it. She took this at face value for a while until she had the opportunity to learn from someone. She found that she enjoyed it and suddenly made the realization that "she could make money doing hairdressing. You just have to go where the business is". And so she and boyfriend embarked on a lifelong (and lifetime) adventure at age 19.
This is certainly not the conversation I expected to have on a Thursday.
I gave her what counsel I knew to give - that she was actually quite right: if you do what you love, you will find a way to make it (I do not necessarily buy the concept that the money will come but I do believe you will find a way to make it work). And it is far more important to be happy in what you do than just pursue money and hope you find happiness - this hardly every works out.
The conversation left me hopeful in two ways: in the first, that there are young people who are actually going in and doing the work of the world that needs doing; in the second, that there is at least one other person in the universe that understands that doing what you love can be made to work. It renews my hope that others - even myself - can find our way as well.
Yesterday I sat for a free hairstyling to help an intern at a friend's salon. It is part of the consideration process they do: they review the final cut to make sure she has the skill level necessary to be a credit to the salon.
The very nice young lady (we'll call her A) surprised me in more that one way. She said she was 19 (but you would not have known it from her carriage and her dress - I know 30 year old individuals that look and seem less mature). She and her boyfriend had moved here from Chicago? Why? He had found a job in his field (a power pole lineman - he is also 19) and so they moved.
I asked her how she had come into hairdressing. She said that it was something that she had always wanted to do but people in her life, including her mother, had discouraged her as they had told her that she would not make enough money at it. She took this at face value for a while until she had the opportunity to learn from someone. She found that she enjoyed it and suddenly made the realization that "she could make money doing hairdressing. You just have to go where the business is". And so she and boyfriend embarked on a lifelong (and lifetime) adventure at age 19.
This is certainly not the conversation I expected to have on a Thursday.
I gave her what counsel I knew to give - that she was actually quite right: if you do what you love, you will find a way to make it (I do not necessarily buy the concept that the money will come but I do believe you will find a way to make it work). And it is far more important to be happy in what you do than just pursue money and hope you find happiness - this hardly every works out.
The conversation left me hopeful in two ways: in the first, that there are young people who are actually going in and doing the work of the world that needs doing; in the second, that there is at least one other person in the universe that understands that doing what you love can be made to work. It renews my hope that others - even myself - can find our way as well.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Illusion Interrupted
Yesterday was not the best morning.
I became frustrated by the fact that my computer - in fact both of our computers - were acting up. They were acting slow and even when I got here to write the morning entry, they laughed at me with blank web pages and slowly spinning icons. My mood quickly came to match that of the computers: running from room to room I started snarling at everything and everyone.
Why? Because I could not get my morning post written and posted.
Imagine! I, the great blogger of the blogosphere, could not get my thoughts out to my adoring and waiting fans. I was trapped between the hammer of old technology and the anvil of having to run to my "job", the thing I hate to do but have to (when I really should be writing, after all).
The whole thing ate at me: all the way driving in and dropping off Na Clann at school, all the way to the office. My writing, my career, my wisdom - half done and empty.
I hope at this point you grasp the foolishness I only came to see later.
The simple reality - the reality I like to ignore - is that I am not really a writer. I write, yes. I even have some books I have published (self-published, to be fair). I certainly enjoy writing. But none of this should distract from the actual reality that is.
I am a very small fish in a very big sea. I have a core of loyal readership (thank you all very much!) but in no wise do I have some vast horde clamoring for me to express myself. My need to write is simply that: my need. It is not a requirement or a geas laid on me by someone else. Occasionally I touch the life of someone else for which I am grateful - but it is not a sure thing. And it is certainly not anything (based on actual results) that I can argue is some kind of calling from God, something I should be doing to the exclusion of all else.
And an successful author? The bright part (I suppose) is that I have sold enough to cover the cost of my hobby - but it is certainly nothing that is moving me in the direction of this high demand second writing career that I constantly see myself in.
Is it possible for me to improve? Always. Is it guaranteed that such improvement will make me a desirable author or suddenly make my blog one of the top 1,000,000? And (let us be fair) is it something that I have any proof of is a legitimate calling from God? Beyond the raw desire and occasional flashes of insight, no.
Perhaps the point of this whole incident is to remind me - gently the first time around, anyway - that my primary goal in life is not the writings I do or not do or the unseen people I touch or do not touch. Perhaps it is simply to remind me that the mood I am in - the mood of the family that sees me and the coworkers I work with - is more important to their long term memory of myself and what it says about my God than any well crafted text could ever be.
I became frustrated by the fact that my computer - in fact both of our computers - were acting up. They were acting slow and even when I got here to write the morning entry, they laughed at me with blank web pages and slowly spinning icons. My mood quickly came to match that of the computers: running from room to room I started snarling at everything and everyone.
Why? Because I could not get my morning post written and posted.
Imagine! I, the great blogger of the blogosphere, could not get my thoughts out to my adoring and waiting fans. I was trapped between the hammer of old technology and the anvil of having to run to my "job", the thing I hate to do but have to (when I really should be writing, after all).
The whole thing ate at me: all the way driving in and dropping off Na Clann at school, all the way to the office. My writing, my career, my wisdom - half done and empty.
I hope at this point you grasp the foolishness I only came to see later.
The simple reality - the reality I like to ignore - is that I am not really a writer. I write, yes. I even have some books I have published (self-published, to be fair). I certainly enjoy writing. But none of this should distract from the actual reality that is.
I am a very small fish in a very big sea. I have a core of loyal readership (thank you all very much!) but in no wise do I have some vast horde clamoring for me to express myself. My need to write is simply that: my need. It is not a requirement or a geas laid on me by someone else. Occasionally I touch the life of someone else for which I am grateful - but it is not a sure thing. And it is certainly not anything (based on actual results) that I can argue is some kind of calling from God, something I should be doing to the exclusion of all else.
And an successful author? The bright part (I suppose) is that I have sold enough to cover the cost of my hobby - but it is certainly nothing that is moving me in the direction of this high demand second writing career that I constantly see myself in.
Is it possible for me to improve? Always. Is it guaranteed that such improvement will make me a desirable author or suddenly make my blog one of the top 1,000,000? And (let us be fair) is it something that I have any proof of is a legitimate calling from God? Beyond the raw desire and occasional flashes of insight, no.
Perhaps the point of this whole incident is to remind me - gently the first time around, anyway - that my primary goal in life is not the writings I do or not do or the unseen people I touch or do not touch. Perhaps it is simply to remind me that the mood I am in - the mood of the family that sees me and the coworkers I work with - is more important to their long term memory of myself and what it says about my God than any well crafted text could ever be.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
An Unsettling Feeling
Last night we had our first reaction drill at Iaijutsu. In this drill, you are attacked by an opponent - perhaps knowing the strike, perhaps not. It is your job to block the attack and then counterattack.
When sensei announced it I felt a sense of discomfort. I suddenly realized that I had not done a reaction drill since July.
I felt a little discomfort.
I did not really know why. It is not as if I do not train with these people week after week. It is not as what happened was anything other than a true accident. Still, I had a sense of something I had not had in some time. I realized that it was fear.
Fear of what? Fear of being struck? Not really - everyone is very careful, especially now. Fear of not performing well? Possibly - I worry that I am not the best of students and compared to many, I am slow. Fear of looking foolish? See above - I am not a graceful dancer with the bokuto but more of a farmer flailing out his grain. I am not totally sure - all I know is that I self conscious on a level I have not been for been for some time.
I went through the exercise of course. My first round was rough. My cuts were bad, my hands misplaced. My blocks were not the best and I hardly tried to to do anything original or different like I should have. I made the attempt and was not totally disgraced in it, though it was hardly my best effort.
In retrospect driving home I wondered what went wrong. I am in situations which could create this sort of reaction all the time. Why now? The fear of injury? Or the fear that performance will reveal what I fear to be true, that my skill level is not what I want to believe it is.
I am not completely sure. All I can do is practice harder and overcome the fear with competence.
When sensei announced it I felt a sense of discomfort. I suddenly realized that I had not done a reaction drill since July.
I felt a little discomfort.
I did not really know why. It is not as if I do not train with these people week after week. It is not as what happened was anything other than a true accident. Still, I had a sense of something I had not had in some time. I realized that it was fear.
Fear of what? Fear of being struck? Not really - everyone is very careful, especially now. Fear of not performing well? Possibly - I worry that I am not the best of students and compared to many, I am slow. Fear of looking foolish? See above - I am not a graceful dancer with the bokuto but more of a farmer flailing out his grain. I am not totally sure - all I know is that I self conscious on a level I have not been for been for some time.
I went through the exercise of course. My first round was rough. My cuts were bad, my hands misplaced. My blocks were not the best and I hardly tried to to do anything original or different like I should have. I made the attempt and was not totally disgraced in it, though it was hardly my best effort.
In retrospect driving home I wondered what went wrong. I am in situations which could create this sort of reaction all the time. Why now? The fear of injury? Or the fear that performance will reveal what I fear to be true, that my skill level is not what I want to believe it is.
I am not completely sure. All I can do is practice harder and overcome the fear with competence.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Whose Kingdom?
This weekend the teaching at church revolved around Haggai 1, which concerns the rebuilding of the Second Temple after the return of the Jews to Jerusalem. God chastens His people for not working on his kingdom first:
"This people says "The time has not come, the time that the Lord's house should be built." Then the word of the Lord came by Haggai the prophet, saying "Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses and this temple to lie in ruins. Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: "Consider your ways!" (Haggai 1:2-4).
Consider your ways. The Lord then reminds the people of all that they have tried to do to prosper yet have failed at because they did not put the Lord first. They did not build His kingdom.
Am I building God's kingdom? This is the question I find myself confronted with in the middle of my life. I am busier than I have ever been - so busy, in fact, that I am drowning in both my personal and professional life. But am I busy building my own kingdom or God's?
It is not meant as an idle question. I feel like I am doing more than ever yet I am accomplishing less than ever and yet I am not seeing the rewards (not all monetary) that one would expect. Effort is not translating into progress. I almost feel trapped in a wheel I cannot remove myself from.
What is the Lord's prescription for His people of Haggai's time? "'Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build my temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified', says the LORD (Haggai 1:8)". Stop what you are doing. Stop building your little empires and your small dreams and put me first in what I ask, He says. Glorify Me, make Me the center of your life, and see how I will act.
That is a hard prescription to follow, at least for me, trapped in the busyness of a life that seems only to move faster and faster. But, to follow the phrase, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Whose kingdom am I building anyway?
"This people says "The time has not come, the time that the Lord's house should be built." Then the word of the Lord came by Haggai the prophet, saying "Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses and this temple to lie in ruins. Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: "Consider your ways!" (Haggai 1:2-4).
Consider your ways. The Lord then reminds the people of all that they have tried to do to prosper yet have failed at because they did not put the Lord first. They did not build His kingdom.
Am I building God's kingdom? This is the question I find myself confronted with in the middle of my life. I am busier than I have ever been - so busy, in fact, that I am drowning in both my personal and professional life. But am I busy building my own kingdom or God's?
It is not meant as an idle question. I feel like I am doing more than ever yet I am accomplishing less than ever and yet I am not seeing the rewards (not all monetary) that one would expect. Effort is not translating into progress. I almost feel trapped in a wheel I cannot remove myself from.
What is the Lord's prescription for His people of Haggai's time? "'Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build my temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified', says the LORD (Haggai 1:8)". Stop what you are doing. Stop building your little empires and your small dreams and put me first in what I ask, He says. Glorify Me, make Me the center of your life, and see how I will act.
That is a hard prescription to follow, at least for me, trapped in the busyness of a life that seems only to move faster and faster. But, to follow the phrase, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Whose kingdom am I building anyway?
Monday, November 11, 2013
More Time
Balance is key.
I found myself torn this weekend by the multiplicity of things that I wanted - and had to do: Highland Athletics, iaijutsu practice, cleaning the rabbits, writing more for Nanowrimo, running, and even just mowing the lawn. Add to this the other activities I do infrequently - making cheese, making mead, gardening - and those which I wish I did more of - language, even more writing, getting back on the harp, more canning, maybe even bees again - and suddenly I felt overwhelmed. Like I was not going to accomplish anything at all.
This is always a problem for me. My reach is always outstretching my grasp. There is so much more that I want to do than I seem to have the time for that I simply become frustrated. And feel like I cannot do anything at all.
This is ludicrous, of course. In my saner moments I realize that the expectations here are the ones that I am putting on myself. No-one judges my success or my failure in any of these things except myself. I am the only one that feels the disappointment.
In the back of my mind I try to find the linkage between where I am and where I want to be. My hope is always that I can find a way more towards something of this nature - because in these things I find my heart. In these things I find a passion and zest for living.
I will keep trying, of course - the only thing completely failed is the thing which is never tried. And my throws may not be quite as high, my cuts not as straight, my cheese not as round (and my lawn, of course, not as mowed) - but that is okay. Each of these things makes me a better person, makes me more alive.
Even if I do not have all the time in the world to do them.
I found myself torn this weekend by the multiplicity of things that I wanted - and had to do: Highland Athletics, iaijutsu practice, cleaning the rabbits, writing more for Nanowrimo, running, and even just mowing the lawn. Add to this the other activities I do infrequently - making cheese, making mead, gardening - and those which I wish I did more of - language, even more writing, getting back on the harp, more canning, maybe even bees again - and suddenly I felt overwhelmed. Like I was not going to accomplish anything at all.
This is always a problem for me. My reach is always outstretching my grasp. There is so much more that I want to do than I seem to have the time for that I simply become frustrated. And feel like I cannot do anything at all.
This is ludicrous, of course. In my saner moments I realize that the expectations here are the ones that I am putting on myself. No-one judges my success or my failure in any of these things except myself. I am the only one that feels the disappointment.
In the back of my mind I try to find the linkage between where I am and where I want to be. My hope is always that I can find a way more towards something of this nature - because in these things I find my heart. In these things I find a passion and zest for living.
I will keep trying, of course - the only thing completely failed is the thing which is never tried. And my throws may not be quite as high, my cuts not as straight, my cheese not as round (and my lawn, of course, not as mowed) - but that is okay. Each of these things makes me a better person, makes me more alive.
Even if I do not have all the time in the world to do them.
Friday, November 08, 2013
Thursday, November 07, 2013
The Making of Art
So on Monday my friend Carla came over to sketch me. She needed a model and I am pretty good at just sitting there so it seemed like a fine idea.
The making of art, especially visual art, has always fascinated me. This is not a medium I work well in at all (mine is words and the raw materials of fermented foods) so it always interesting to me how it was done. To me it seems the equivalent of magic: the artist looks, works on the paper, and produces a work of art.
Having never sat for a drawing I was interested in what would be requested of me. It turns out nothing much at all: sit there and look out. Try not to move to much. Wait - can you turn the other way towards the light? Good. Just sit there.
And we were off.
The fascinating part to me was that she talked throughout the process. This is very different than writing for me: the more quiet things are, the better I write. Not so with Carla. She simply put her pad down, got out her charcoal, and got to work.
Broad strokes, broad strokes, short strokes, rub rub rub. Look, start sketching something else out. Rub the charcoal more - when she brushes her forehead a random stroke of charcoal stays there as well, matching her hair. Her right index finger becomes dark with dust as she continues to draw. Short stroke, short stroke, broad stroke. She looks again - Are your eyes really that crooked? Yes, I assure her, they really are - bee sting and bokuto scar. She nods and keeps drawing, a running stream of banter going between the two of us as the strokes seem to go as fast as the words. Look up, look down, draw. It is interesting that there are not a great deal of facial expressions as she draws to indicate if she is happy with the work as it is or not. Is this conscious, to prevent her prejudging the work or is she simply in the moment? I wonder as she continues to move back and forth across the paper.
Near the end she starts to draw larger strokes to fill in the background. Finally she looks at it, looks at me, and shows it. I love it of course - it has the bold facial features of a Vulcan or Romulan, something which I have always fancied myself looking like.
All of this with the just a blank piece of paper and charcoal.
How do artists do this? How do they see what we see but then transfer it to a medium that makes it look like it is? How can they draw the essence of a thing outside of themselves and then put it onto paper with the essence of the thing in it?
I cannot understand it. All I can do is simply stand back and be amazed.
The making of art, especially visual art, has always fascinated me. This is not a medium I work well in at all (mine is words and the raw materials of fermented foods) so it always interesting to me how it was done. To me it seems the equivalent of magic: the artist looks, works on the paper, and produces a work of art.
Having never sat for a drawing I was interested in what would be requested of me. It turns out nothing much at all: sit there and look out. Try not to move to much. Wait - can you turn the other way towards the light? Good. Just sit there.
And we were off.
The fascinating part to me was that she talked throughout the process. This is very different than writing for me: the more quiet things are, the better I write. Not so with Carla. She simply put her pad down, got out her charcoal, and got to work.
Broad strokes, broad strokes, short strokes, rub rub rub. Look, start sketching something else out. Rub the charcoal more - when she brushes her forehead a random stroke of charcoal stays there as well, matching her hair. Her right index finger becomes dark with dust as she continues to draw. Short stroke, short stroke, broad stroke. She looks again - Are your eyes really that crooked? Yes, I assure her, they really are - bee sting and bokuto scar. She nods and keeps drawing, a running stream of banter going between the two of us as the strokes seem to go as fast as the words. Look up, look down, draw. It is interesting that there are not a great deal of facial expressions as she draws to indicate if she is happy with the work as it is or not. Is this conscious, to prevent her prejudging the work or is she simply in the moment? I wonder as she continues to move back and forth across the paper.
Near the end she starts to draw larger strokes to fill in the background. Finally she looks at it, looks at me, and shows it. I love it of course - it has the bold facial features of a Vulcan or Romulan, something which I have always fancied myself looking like.
All of this with the just a blank piece of paper and charcoal.
How do artists do this? How do they see what we see but then transfer it to a medium that makes it look like it is? How can they draw the essence of a thing outside of themselves and then put it onto paper with the essence of the thing in it?
I cannot understand it. All I can do is simply stand back and be amazed.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
Expiration Dates
How do you know when you have reached your expiration date? How do you know when you have stayed too long at a thing?
I am tempted to say that everything has a shelf life - but in fact I know that there are some things for which such things merely mean we need to reach deeper within ourselves to grow. But those things are really the few and far between, the essentials, the things of relationships and personal goals that make life worth living.
What of the rest, the things that do not fall into this category? Is there an expiration date and when do you know? It is not as if people smell and spoil when they go bad in their positions or suddenly appear to be covered with mold.
I ask this question not out of theory but out of fact. I am increasingly confronted by the fact that I may have stayed too long at a thing, may have become one of these people that simply starts enduring something - and by enduring, is willing to live with the status quo rather than change it, because either I believe the thing cannot be changed or have given up hoping that it will be.
This is a dangerous thing - not necessarily only for myself and my life but for everyone around me. People who settle become people who fail to try new things, who come to not even maintain the things that are in place, that ultimately become bitter and tired individuals who snap at anyone who suggests that they are really doing what they are supposed to do.
And in a sense they are not. They are there to fulfill a purpose or role, not simply become a space server who is there to maintain a title or a place on the board or an appendix of a skill or interest. The day that becomes true is the day that they become superfluous to the reason that they are there.
It is easy to see this in others. It is much more difficult to see it in ourselves.
I am tempted to say that everything has a shelf life - but in fact I know that there are some things for which such things merely mean we need to reach deeper within ourselves to grow. But those things are really the few and far between, the essentials, the things of relationships and personal goals that make life worth living.
What of the rest, the things that do not fall into this category? Is there an expiration date and when do you know? It is not as if people smell and spoil when they go bad in their positions or suddenly appear to be covered with mold.
I ask this question not out of theory but out of fact. I am increasingly confronted by the fact that I may have stayed too long at a thing, may have become one of these people that simply starts enduring something - and by enduring, is willing to live with the status quo rather than change it, because either I believe the thing cannot be changed or have given up hoping that it will be.
This is a dangerous thing - not necessarily only for myself and my life but for everyone around me. People who settle become people who fail to try new things, who come to not even maintain the things that are in place, that ultimately become bitter and tired individuals who snap at anyone who suggests that they are really doing what they are supposed to do.
And in a sense they are not. They are there to fulfill a purpose or role, not simply become a space server who is there to maintain a title or a place on the board or an appendix of a skill or interest. The day that becomes true is the day that they become superfluous to the reason that they are there.
It is easy to see this in others. It is much more difficult to see it in ourselves.
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Monday, November 04, 2013
Nanowrimo 2013
So I might not have mentioned it yet but I am doing Nanowrimo 2013:
You may remember the challenge from last year: 50,000 words, 30 days. The idea is to get a manuscript written in 30 days. Not a final manuscript necessarily you understand - this is as rough as it gets. The point is to get one writing every day.
My plan was messed up, of course. I had not decided what I was going to write until the last second - good heavens, I had not decided I was going to do it at all until the day before. I was waffling because I did not think that I had the time. It is ridiculous of course - you always have time to do the things you really want to do.
The second impediment was that I thought I was not ready to write what I was going to write. I had it all planned out in my mind: what I was going to write about, the research I needed to do, the plot. But I ran out of time: the book sat unread and the day was approaching. I had a second idea, more of an undeveloped thought than a real thing, that was laying in wait. I grabbed it and ran.
I am about 7300 words in now - like last time, the concept seems to have taken on a life of its own and the characters have started talking amongst themselves without needing much prodding from me. A good way to write, that - as a recorder, not a generator.
Will I finish? I will. I have no idea what it will look like -and having done this last year, I am far more willing to do major editing now that I know that writing all those words is not the same as having a good book (it is okay, I discovered, to cut things out).
But the exercise is good. And I feel better after it. That will make four books I have written in three years.
A bit of a surprise there - somewhere I turned into an author and hardly knew it.
You may remember the challenge from last year: 50,000 words, 30 days. The idea is to get a manuscript written in 30 days. Not a final manuscript necessarily you understand - this is as rough as it gets. The point is to get one writing every day.
My plan was messed up, of course. I had not decided what I was going to write until the last second - good heavens, I had not decided I was going to do it at all until the day before. I was waffling because I did not think that I had the time. It is ridiculous of course - you always have time to do the things you really want to do.
The second impediment was that I thought I was not ready to write what I was going to write. I had it all planned out in my mind: what I was going to write about, the research I needed to do, the plot. But I ran out of time: the book sat unread and the day was approaching. I had a second idea, more of an undeveloped thought than a real thing, that was laying in wait. I grabbed it and ran.
I am about 7300 words in now - like last time, the concept seems to have taken on a life of its own and the characters have started talking amongst themselves without needing much prodding from me. A good way to write, that - as a recorder, not a generator.
Will I finish? I will. I have no idea what it will look like -and having done this last year, I am far more willing to do major editing now that I know that writing all those words is not the same as having a good book (it is okay, I discovered, to cut things out).
But the exercise is good. And I feel better after it. That will make four books I have written in three years.
A bit of a surprise there - somewhere I turned into an author and hardly knew it.
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Terminal Velocity
This is blog of Rocky Smith. He is dying of cancer. And blogging it.
I can only say that I know Rocky tangentially and from a distance. We both were/are involved in the same sport of Highland Athletics (I suspect he was far better than I can ever hope to be). We both the know some of the same people. And I stand humbled in his presence.
I have one definitive memory of him, one that I doubt he remembers as anything other than one athlete helping another. It was at the Arlington Highland Games, where I was making my usual attempts at throwing the caber. I cannot always pick and pull it but I am too stubborn to let go when I should.
He called me aside and advised me that I should just let it go when it falls - he had seen men break their shoulders trying to catch a falling caber. I thanked him for the advice, failed my last two picks, and carried on not giving it a second thought.
Until two weeks ago when someone posted that Rocky Smith was coming to the October Games - probably his last long road trip.
Killing time waiting for a pick up, I went to his blog and read. And was shocked. And humbled. Suddenly I knew who this man with the garbled speech was who shared advice with me. He probably knew he was not doing well in May - and yet he took the time to correct me, time out of a life that literally is measured in days.
I thought of Rocky and his advice when I threw two weeks ago. The caber did not go up, out I stepped away. As the judge said, "No broken shoulders, no broken caber. All is well". And I believe I shall think of him now every time that I throw the caber for as long as I throw the caber - the kindness of a man who gave the thing most precious to him, a gift of time.
I read his blog every day now. I will warn you up front: It is hard. It is honest. It is the last testament of a man who taking a very hard thing in his life, the hardest thing of any of our lives - dying - and turning it into a teachable moment. He might argue it is for himself, but I would argue that it really is for everyone else.
Rocky has entered the last great throw of his life - and in an infinite act of kindness he is letting us peak into what the pick and pull look like.
Throw hard Rocky. Throw far.
I can only say that I know Rocky tangentially and from a distance. We both were/are involved in the same sport of Highland Athletics (I suspect he was far better than I can ever hope to be). We both the know some of the same people. And I stand humbled in his presence.
I have one definitive memory of him, one that I doubt he remembers as anything other than one athlete helping another. It was at the Arlington Highland Games, where I was making my usual attempts at throwing the caber. I cannot always pick and pull it but I am too stubborn to let go when I should.
He called me aside and advised me that I should just let it go when it falls - he had seen men break their shoulders trying to catch a falling caber. I thanked him for the advice, failed my last two picks, and carried on not giving it a second thought.
Until two weeks ago when someone posted that Rocky Smith was coming to the October Games - probably his last long road trip.
Killing time waiting for a pick up, I went to his blog and read. And was shocked. And humbled. Suddenly I knew who this man with the garbled speech was who shared advice with me. He probably knew he was not doing well in May - and yet he took the time to correct me, time out of a life that literally is measured in days.
I thought of Rocky and his advice when I threw two weeks ago. The caber did not go up, out I stepped away. As the judge said, "No broken shoulders, no broken caber. All is well". And I believe I shall think of him now every time that I throw the caber for as long as I throw the caber - the kindness of a man who gave the thing most precious to him, a gift of time.
I read his blog every day now. I will warn you up front: It is hard. It is honest. It is the last testament of a man who taking a very hard thing in his life, the hardest thing of any of our lives - dying - and turning it into a teachable moment. He might argue it is for himself, but I would argue that it really is for everyone else.
Rocky has entered the last great throw of his life - and in an infinite act of kindness he is letting us peak into what the pick and pull look like.
Throw hard Rocky. Throw far.
Friday, November 01, 2013
Computer Frustration
I am having a computer morning.
We have two computers I write on: one, an approximately 2008 HP; the other, a refurbished laptop that I have had for about two years now. They are both in the process of frustrating me to no end at the moment.
The laptop becomes randomly slow at times - like this morning, even though I left it on sleep mode last night. I "woke" it up this morning, and Windows decided that it was time to try and update the system. Ability to write: almost zero. I ended the function and tried again but apparently the system had become unstable at this point. Computers 1, TB 0.
Off to the stand alone computer. Start it up (this seems to go pretty fast). Try to start up the Internet without being patient. Hey look, the Internet is now slow. Open three tabs at one time and if one of them is Facebook, everything stops working for a few minutes until it manages to find its purpose again.
All the time, irretrievable time is fleeing.
It bothers me, of course, because writing is now a part of morning routine, of my life. I do not like feeling frustrated with the amount of time that I have available to write. It impacts how I write and how deep I feel I can go. And without depth, my writing becomes shallow and not what it could be.
Do I have a solution? Not really, outside of a new computer. Try starting the computer when I get up I suppose and give it plenty of time to get its arms around being up in the more. And learn a little more patience as well.
Electronics. The bane and blessing of the modern writer's life.
We have two computers I write on: one, an approximately 2008 HP; the other, a refurbished laptop that I have had for about two years now. They are both in the process of frustrating me to no end at the moment.
The laptop becomes randomly slow at times - like this morning, even though I left it on sleep mode last night. I "woke" it up this morning, and Windows decided that it was time to try and update the system. Ability to write: almost zero. I ended the function and tried again but apparently the system had become unstable at this point. Computers 1, TB 0.
Off to the stand alone computer. Start it up (this seems to go pretty fast). Try to start up the Internet without being patient. Hey look, the Internet is now slow. Open three tabs at one time and if one of them is Facebook, everything stops working for a few minutes until it manages to find its purpose again.
All the time, irretrievable time is fleeing.
It bothers me, of course, because writing is now a part of morning routine, of my life. I do not like feeling frustrated with the amount of time that I have available to write. It impacts how I write and how deep I feel I can go. And without depth, my writing becomes shallow and not what it could be.
Do I have a solution? Not really, outside of a new computer. Try starting the computer when I get up I suppose and give it plenty of time to get its arms around being up in the more. And learn a little more patience as well.
Electronics. The bane and blessing of the modern writer's life.
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