A Hesitation Considered

I am continuing to work towards my in-dojo certification in Iaijutsu.  The testing ultimately involves a rather diverse set of knowledge - not only kata but terminology and history as well.  It is a rather extensive set of knowledge, much of it behind the scenes for anyone who is a casual observer.

The one part that I have struggled with the most is that open hand kata - in other words, the part where one is use just one's hands to defend one's self (the world pictures this more as "karate" or some other martial art).  Some of this is knowledge, of course - I am a slow kinetic learner and so I have to repeat things a multiplicity of times -  but some of it seems to be a true mental block on my part to be able to learn things. 

This is bothersome to me.

Is it a lack of confidence?  Perhaps.  I have never really done anything like I am doing now and so (in my heart of hearts) I doubt that I can do it.  Is it a feeling that I will never be able to do it correctly (different from self confidence in that it is not my ability to do it but my ability to do it well that is in question)?  Again, perhaps - although the great secret of iaijutsu is that in fact we are on all on a journey of constant self improvement, getting incrementally better over the course of our lives.  Or could simply be a simple fear that I will accidentally hurt someone in my practicing?  Again perhaps - I have accidentally done so before in my life, although in this I can my certain:  my jousting partners are far stronger and more experienced than I.

So what is it? 

I wish I knew.  The nagging doubts constantly assail me, that I will get to the point testing and choke.  Visions of a failed test assail me, even more so than the vision of holding the certificate in my hand.

So what to do?

Practice.  That is all I can do.  Practice and practice again.  Move my body in the ways it should until it does what it should be doing, even if my mind continues to suffer from a lack of confidence.  Practice until my body is simply able to put my mind aside and carry on.

The reality - something I happily quote to everyone else around me - is that all experts started out as amateurs with no better knowledge base than I have.  They just got better.

Time to practice what I preach.