Idiot

I do not like being called an idiot.

Oh, it is not like this is a common occurrence in my life or ever has been.  Certainly no-one has walked up to me lately and said  "You know, you are an idiot".  But what I do resent - or at least what a thought process lead me to realize I resent - is the implication that I am an idiot.

An idiot?  Stupid.  Uneducated.  Do not know what I am doing - so much so that people take it upon themselves to do the things they have asked me to do.

Where did this come from?  Stellar question.  I do not really have a good answer to give.  I think of specific incidents in my life where such a thing has occurred but never the "first time" that lead to all this. More relevant, of course, is why all of this matters.

Why does it matter?  Because of the reaction it generates within me:  I become defensive, angry, even sullen in a sort of "drag my feet I will do what you want but as slowly as possibly".  Not the sort of reaction one needs if one wants to move forward with one's life.

And why does it make me feel this way?  I have given this some thought.  The reason seems to be what you are implying when you effectively treat me as an idiot.  You demean me.  You ignore what I am saying or doing and treat it as it is not important - maybe because it is wrong or not the best way to do it but just as likely because it does not meet the way you want to do it e.g. your ego.  If you are really trying to do it effectively, you will do it in public so you can effectively humiliate me in front of  everyone else and make look stupid.  Or foolish. 

Like an idiot.

This realization was actually quite freeing once it happened.  Suddenly a great deal of my reactions to certain individuals and certain situations was clearly explained.  Why is it that I can freely make and admit errors to some with no shame or reaction - even good humor - why other times such things and the reactions set my teeth on edge?  Simple.  In one situation it an error, something I have done.  In the second, it is an error but the implication is that it is something that I am.

Could pride be involved here?  Possibly.  I tend to have a vision of how I would like the world to view me and how I see myself and the implication that I am stupid or ignorant or uneducated does not play well with that vision.  To that extent, that is something I will need to resolve myself.

But the other part - that part I need to parse out internally - is simply how to avoid reacting that way in those other situations.  How do I transfer that sense of being called an idiot away from a personal assessment and into another channel?  How do I manage my rising tide of anger and resentment when such a thing happens?  Here lies ulimate conquest and power.

Being called an idiot may happen from time to time.  Taking it to heart should not.