As the last year has slowly taken shape with my parents - the oft referred to "new normal" - what has evolved is that there are effectively two kinds of visits.
The first kind of visit is what I term "The Okay Visit" (there are never bad visits). In this case there are any number of factors which seem to put the visit in a somewhat awkward mode - when TB The Elder has had a bad night for example and sleeps or my mother is not quite in the mood to visit for one reason another - such as happened the first Saturday my sister and I stopped by. In this case the day was a bit cool and when they had brought Mom out she had a sweater and hat but was complaining of being cold. They brought here another blanket but after a few minutes she said "I am cold" and got up to go inside. The visit was effectively over at that point after 10 minutes.
The second kind of visit is what I term "The Good Visit" - where TB The Elder has had a good night and (apparently) the weather is perfect for the visit and perhaps they are ready for visitors. In this case this was the second Saturday visit (although to be fair, TB the Elder had had a less than optimal night). In this case Mom and Dad are more engaged.
No matter what kind of visit, they always run the same course: my sister and I will talk about our families and what their grandchildren are doing, then essentially just start talking about things going on in our lives, more of just including our parents in the conversation between us. We will often talk about the weather (reliable subject, that) as well as comment on the trees and grass around them. In this case the visits are not substantially longer - 20 minutes is an average visit, 30 minutes is a long one - but I think in the end we at least leave feeling that we have spent some time with them that was meaningful for us and hopefully, in some measure, for them.
We do get small spots of joy still - on the first Saturday visit, it was clear that my father remembered me and remembered the fact that I was not living near. And on the second Saturday visit, my mother turned as she was going back into the living center and said to her caregiver "This is my family, isn't it?".
It is such small moments that still continue to give me hope - not so much that this ends any differently than it likely does, but that in some way these visits are not just an exercise for us but provide some touchstone of their past lives for them. It certainly does make every visit worth anticipating, in hopes such a moment will reveal itself.
It is good to see you and your sister make the effort to stay engaged with them. Do photo albums help stimulate memories or do the photos cause frustration if they cannot recall the faces shown ?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, we have not tried photo albums either yet or for a while. Simply put, my mother cannot really remember anyone, even in the last year or so before she moved (honestly, she does not remember that we have come, even later that day).
DeleteI have started talking about The Ranch again in terms of how things are looking. I am certain my mother does not remember it now (she is convinced where they are now is her home); I worried in the beginning talking about it too much would cause my father pain but think we are in a place where we can talk about it now.
Prayers for you and yours TB that there are more such moments when a connection can be seen on your visits. Even if you can't see them, He can.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Nylon12. We do not always have those moments, but am terribly grateful when we do.
DeleteI have no experience in that department. For me, when I visit elders in care facilities, I just bring up a subject and sit back and let them talk. Even if it is repetitive, or even a false memory, I can understand what they are talking to me about. I've never had to be the one carrying the conversation.
ReplyDeleteEd, it was an adjustment. That said, once we figured it out, things went fine. It is just a readjustment of expectations to the current situation.
DeleteYou and your sister are blessed, TB.
ReplyDeleteI think you Honor your father and mother with your visits.
Thank you Linda. Hopefully they derive some benefit from it.
DeleteThinking about how much I enjoy listening to my grown sons talking with each other, I imagine that somewhere in the recesses of their minds your Mom and Dad surely take some comfort and pleasure in hearing you and your sister share your lives with each other (and in the process, with them).
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that Becki. I find it the same with my children, and hope it to be true for my parents as well.
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