Let Your Plans: A Follow Up Comment

 So in the comments from my Monday blog, Leigh from Five Acres and A Dream had one of those comments that makes sit back and think for a moment:

"I've come to the conclusion that nobody (except my like-minded blogging friends) really gives a fig for what I think and what I do.  But I'm okay with that, since their world is increasingly foreign and non-desirable to me.  Of course, I'm not forced to interact with others through the workforce, which you must still endure.  That necessitates selective communication, doesn't it?"

A response in the "Comments" section did not seem to do justice to the thought.

1) I would concur - in my own life, no-one with the exception of three to five people (my father being one, Uisdean Ruadh my very old friend being another) cares what I think or what I do.  If  mention something like making yogurt or blacksmithing, that would be thought cool of course - but it is not the sort of communication that happens a great deal lately.

To be frank, people are not talking - or not talking much, anyway.  If you are not on the social media, the chances (at least at my age and stage of life) that you are interacting with people on a regular basis is pretty slender because that is not how things are done any more.  Social exchanges in other places - work, church, out and about - have largely disappeared due to The Plague; small talk prior to or during meetings, for example, has essentially disappeared.  There is no gathering to chat before or after church or class:  you go, you do your business, and you go home.

Add to this the zest and excitement of an election year and a rather frightening polarization and it turns out that most people have very little to discuss, at least in a civilized manner.  It would seem - more and more - that anyone you do not fully know, or even those that you may know, are potentially someone who holds an opinion different from yours and would consider you to be a complete fool if they did not know you as a friend. 

I wonder if there is also an element of protecting ourselves for the future:  no matter what happens there will be screaming and unpleasantness; do I really want to give out an opinion or information on myself to someone who may remember it later?

2)  "But I'm okay with that, since their world is increasingly foreign and non-desirable to me."

This is the thought that really rocked me back. 

One does not think of the place one lives as becoming "foreign" to them.  One thinks of foreign as countries and cultures far away, places that are exotic and have amazing pictures (not withstanding that in many ways, we have blended everything into a consumerism that makes everywhere look like here).  Home is, well, home.  Not foreign.

But not so much any more.

I can sense this in my discussion with certain folks - older than myself usually - that express they simply do not understand why what is happening is happening.  I can see it and read it for myself, where people who live geographically in the same locale use thoughts and language that is as foreign to me as any language I have studied.  I can realize it in the way that my interests and activities do not match with where things are announced as to where the future lies (e.g., I like blacksmithing and making things with hands, others are looking at Mars for colonization).

This place, too, is becoming foreign to me as well.

I do not wish so many of their things any more; the stores and InterWeb market places are filled with items that I have no need of.  I do not wish for their words and their entertainment, which has become vulgar and crass.  I do not wish for their spirituality, which in so many ways is wholly divorced from God and is based on how it makes them feel.  I do not wish their morals and mores, which lead to nothing but emptiness, violence, and sadness.

I had expected none of this, but all of this is here.  Perhaps the best thing to do - like, thankfully Leigh has been able to - is recognize that this is so and accept it rather than somehow pretend things are other than they are.

How odd to say, this world is becoming more foreign and undesirable to me as well.  And yet, how relieving to be able to say it.

A Little Bit Of Cooling

 We are having a go at mid-80's weather with a chance of rain over the bulk of the next two weeks.
This is a little unusual for us at this time of year,  as we are usually still in summer and all of it's heat laden glory:  the lawn threatening to give up the ghost after an entire summer of trying to keep it alive, the garden essentially finishing up but not yet cool enough to look towards Winter plantings, the heat and humidity still too much to think about doing all but the most necessary tasks.
And now, maybe, we have a go at Autumn?
The different between 100 F and 87 F  (37 C and 30 C) is, on one hand, not all that significant if you are out in it:  honestly for me, I start noticing a "difference" around 80 F (27 C) or so - although to be fair, the heat will help to drop the humidity some.  The rain, or at least the chance of it, will overall help with the water situation as well, if only in my head.
I do not expect that it will hold, of course:  we always seem to go through some sort of slight cooling before the temperature bumps back up to go through the beginning of October.  And the greatest sign of Autumn to me, the sunlight, has not yet turned to that indefinable quality that lets me know that Autumn has come. Still, something is better than nothing.
How is the weather where you are?

Let Your Plans...

Sadly, I find myself finding the myself reaching the point of the program where I do not talk about my plans.  With anyone - except, I suppose, with all of you.

The level of communication - in general - has become such that speaking about almost anything in a public forum is akin to either waiving the proverbial red carpet in front of a bull or lighting up the last cigarette before the firing squad.  Everything is judged now against any number of criteria, some spoken and some unspoken - and, unfortunately, never the sort that I am bound to come out on the winning side of.

One should never stop planning of course - now more than ever, it matters.  The question is, how one plans and who one discusses them with.  

Sun Tzu has the answer:  Continue to plan.  Just discuss them with no-one until the time for execution has arrived.

A Few Words From...Francis de Sales

"I prefer a simple resolution made four times to four resolutions made once."

"It often happens our passions lie dormant.  If, during that time, we do not lay up provision of strength with which to combat when we wake up, we shall be vanquished."

"Our imperfections ought neither to astonish us nor take away our courage."

"Many make this mistake:  they invent chimeras in their minds, and fancy the road to heaven is strangely difficult.  In this they are very wrong and much mistaken."

"You will not be asked by God whether you have reaped much, but whether you have taken great care to sow."

"Many waste time and thought on useless things and things impossible for them to do. The least harm such wishing does is to prevent the good desires God demands:  to be patient, resigned, self-denying, gentle.

We should not desire to serve God in a way He does not want, but rather to serve Him much better in the way He has appointed."

Some Worthy Goal

I wonder if Frankl's thought represents a lot of what is wrong with so much of society today.

The idea of the tensionless state - a sort of Edenic existence, where all our needs are met and there is no conflict or strife - has been a sort of theoretical construct in Western civilization since at least Plato and The Republic.  The closest state I thin the West can now project on this is the "idle" rich, who have all of their needs met and spend their time doing what they want.

In one sense, the idea of a "worthy goal" has passed:  there are no more great explorations left to be taken on Planet Earth - no terra incognito - and the idea of great causes has passed, to dissolve into petty wars and political maneuvering.  The concept of building - a society, a country, a way of life - has largely passed out of style as well, to be replaced by conforming to the overall economic culture.  And while frontiers remain - scientific and medical for example - these largely remain the preserve of trained and specialized experts with years of education and training, leaving the bulk of humanity behind.

The problem is that we failed to replace the lure of exploring, great cause, and building with anything else that could fire the imagination, that the many - instead of the few - could see themselves doing.  The Old Gods died at Ragnarok and the New Gods to failed to appear.

I submit that we are rapidly approaching a time when all goals will become realigned.  Because in a time of dire need and unrest, goals become very focused on a very few things. 

Who knows.  Perhaps we will discover worthy goals again.

Sword And Resonance

In a world that seems so filled with uncertainty and rage, I find Iaijutsu to be a refuge.

The kata - the forms, the prescribed techniques of using the sword, passed down through 430 years of being enhanced and refined - are beautiful and models of efficiency.  They can become a form of dance or meditation in motion almost accidentally - although in my art, we primarily train with the idea of combative application (as opposed to the term Iaido, which is Iai which is practiced and retained for its meditative purposes).

Iaijustsu - like any martial art I suppose - requires complete focus while you are performing it; thus the temptation to be thinking about other things is impossible.  It allows one to focus, to push things completely out of mind for the thirty to sixty minutes a day I spend with it.

Sometimes,  though, it becomes something more.

This happened to me this week while I was performing my practice at home.  I was outside - thanks to the rain we had received earlier in the day the weather was cool - on the back patio, practicing as I have a thousand times.  Sometimes I have very specific kata that I am working on. Sometimes  I practice a single part or a single action.

This day I started as I had before - but something was different.  There was a stillness in my soul that emanated out, resounding through my training outfit and the bokuto (wooden training sword) to the still somewhat humid and wet back yard, and then came back.  There was a resonance - I can think of no other word to use - between myself and the sword, between the sword and the world, between myself and the world.

The setting seemed completely wrong for such a moment:  a suburban backyard, a concrete patio, surrounded on three sides by houses and oak trees with a half dry brown, half green lawn.  These are not the settings that suggests any sort of deep moments.  But it happened none the less.

When I was finished, I bowed to the sword - to-rei, we name it - and then went inside and sat quietly for a moment, to see if I could find out anything else from what had happened. There was no resonance at that point, as the moment had passed - perhaps a dying echo, but nothing that could be turned into something else for greater thought.

It is said that the great masters of the sword all had a moment of satori, or enlightenment, that changed the way they approached martial arts.  One can only hope, even as spaced out as these moments seem to be, that perhaps I am finally on that path.

The Collapse LIII: Economics Of A Collapse

December 11 20XX

My Dear Lucilius:

It is odd – for many years I told others that if I was given my choice of careers that I would truly love to do, my choice would be to live somewhere isolated, have a very simple lifestyle, and think great thoughts. I now find that in fact I have that simple lifestyle in an isolated locale; whether the thoughts are great or not remains for others to judge.

It strikes me that in all of my thinking and preparing and (may we use the term) plotting, I do not know that I quite imagined the collapse of a society to occur in this particular fashion. History perhaps rhymed in this case, as the saying goes, but only the sort of rhyme that one has to explain to everyone so that they might understand where it happened – which is the least effective sort of rhyme, much as the joke one constantly must explain to demonstrate the humor.

I can see some author preparing to write his overview based on the theory: a long economic decline, a collapsing currency, then suddenly collapsing supply lines, a collapsed currency, and a collapsed economy which causes a collapsed society. He would probably sit there, look at his output, then tears it up and start over with either the Undead, a Plague, or Aliens.

There is something quite pedestrian – if one can use the term to describe the suffering, death, and disaster that is going on out there beyond my sight – about a simple economic collapse. There are no great battles. There are no heroes. There are, perhaps, speeches given that perhaps are worthy of recollection, but they are the speeches of experts with figures and graphs, not the sort of thing to fire men’s blood to action.

And to use the analogy, the frog in the pot boils very slowly indeed. Most may notice that somehow the prices on everything they buy are increasing and quantity and quality may be decreasing but it is never quite enough for anyone to truly complain about or take action on. Salaries are being consumed more and more by fewer and fewer items – a place to live, utilities, transportation, food – but the people and the government themselves never ask after why this is, only make a few noises perhaps about the greed of a few and pass a few laws to make everyone feel that they have done something.

I lived through this economic situation as did you, Lucilius. We both saw and endured the same things. Perhaps the more meaningful question is “Could something different have been done?”

I have given this a great deal of thought. I think the answer is no.

Think of what the alternative would have been. To re-establish the economic foundations, it would have required a multi-prong approach. Government spending at all levels would have had to be cut, taxes would have had to be increased – in both cases to significantly decrease the national debt. Local economies - “making things, growing things, harvesting things (mining, forestry and so on)”

would have had to be encouraged. Those intangible economics – services, technology – would have had to be encouraged as internal developments, not things to be spun out to the world to return here in their finished, most expensive form. We would have had to be willing to pay higher prices for both goods and services that employed our fellow citizens as well as ensured that at some level, the world came to us instead of us going to the world. We would have had to celebrate attitudes and characteristics that have been long set aside: frugality, hard work, success, the concept that those that worked hard should be able to keep the bulk of their success instead of having to surrender it to the government for its own desires. Government would need to be seen for the net consumer of resources it is instead of a net generator of revenue. 

 And finally, our currency would have had to become “worth” something again, however that might be established – by making “full faith and credit” mean something again by building a surplus not a deficit, or by simply tying the currency to some sort of actual value instead of a theoretical construct of value, or some third means of making it valuable that only economists truly understand but which demonstrates the fact that currency means value, not promises.

You and I know the outcome to this, of course. There was no will to do any of these things, just the will to continue to push the problem down the road: accept increased prices, increased spending, increased taxes, increased borrowing, decreased wages – until all of a sudden like a major infection of the human body, the system was just overwhelmed all at once.

To be completely honest with you, I think I would have preferred the Aliens more.

Your Obedient Servant, Seneca

Heat

September has come,

And yet all I feel is

The Wrath of Summer

A Brief Return To The Office

Yesterday I had to go back into the office. 

It was my turn to convert over from our current mail system to the Macrohard system.  I had been putting this off - first because I really did not want to go into the office and then because of a mandated 14 day quarantine period, but technology, it seems, finally caught up with me.

The building I went to at first was the original building that we moved to in 2016, three months or so after I had started with The Company.  As I like to tell the story, there was 31,000 square feet and only 16 of us.  The idea of filling the space up at that time was ridiculous at best.

Fast forward almost 4 years.  The space is completely built out and filled out - in fact, over filled out to the point that we are moving to "open offices" and "hot desking" to accommodate the overflow. 

When I arrived - mind you, this is with only essential staff on site- I walked up to a group holding an outside meeting and realized that I recognized only one of them.  Moving through the facility, I stopped and said hello to folks that I knew, but realized that about 60% of them I did not know. 

The facility was changed as well, 2/3's of the way through the final build out.  I recognized the layout - good heavens, I was involved in the planning and the communication - but to see it was to realize that the building I knew and had worked in for 3.5 years was largely gone.

I then had to go off to the other site, about half a mile down the road.  Here, the building was not different but empty.  Eerily empty.  We rent 50,000 square feet in perhaps a 500,000 square foot building - and there were maybe a dozen of us in there total, including employees, security, and cleaning staff.  The escalators were on, the lights were burning, the air conditioning was keeping us at a temperate 78 F, the flat screens in the lunch rooms were showing videos of home improvement  to empty tables and chairs which, no doubt, had been sanitized sometime during the day.

My office, which I had not been in since the end of March, was stripped of the personal items I took with me leaving only the skeletal framework of computer screens and a docking station looking out over the tops of oak trees and parking lots for an office I officially had less than one month.   All of the items I saw in March that I had to get down were still up on the big whiteboard, waiting to be removed.  I looked.  Most of them had been completed.

I erased everything and left the key on the Office Manager's Desk. 

(Although no-one has yet said it, after A Sort of Hamerfall the office is no longer mine.  It is just easier sometimes to do a thing rather that inconveniencing individuals and setting up embarrassing conversations that can easily be avoided.)

The migration took longer than expected - do they not always? - which gave me plenty of time to think as I worked between teleconferences.  I had hours to sit in my old office - I was not supposed to access e-mail so my ability to do work was limited - and just think.

I realized how changed the company is.  And how isolated I felt.

It was six months, almost to the day, since my change in positions was decided, five months since I started working from home, three months since I transitioned into my new job.  And seemingly, the world - at least my work world - has changed dramatically in that time.

I feel strangely saddened.

I cannot really put my finger on the reason why.  Part of it, perhaps, is simply that the people that I knew and associated and worked with are becoming fewer and fewer, diluted into an onrush of newcomers or simply disappearing from The Company down the HR Memory Hole.  Part of it is that the structures and processes that I knew - in some cases put in place - are slowly being abandoned or transformed - all natural of course with arrival of my replacement and new management, but noticeable.  And perhaps part of it (if I admit to my own vanity) is that I, too, am slipping out of memory and mind, becoming only a ghost in the machine, a sage of a particular place and time who may, occasionally, have information of some value.  At one time I was one in seventeen.  Now, I am one in over two hundred.

When I left, it was with the realization that it was quite likely I would not be in again before the beginning of 2021 and perhaps some time after that.  And that with that amount of time, the changes that I saw were going to become even more pronounced, more noticeable.

There was a time when I saw myself associated with where I work for years and years.  Now, perhaps not so much - not from anything I have done or they have done, but rather that the company I started at and helped shape is gone and the corporation has arrived.

Finally, even ghosts in the machine disappear.

On Not Buying A Book

So this weekend a rather small moment of progress was made, that passed through my consciousness at a frequency too low to register but is actually indicative that maybe something deeper is taking root.

I did not go out and buy a book.

It is a pretty innocuous item that happens around here rather frequently:  I like to buy books.  I like to read books too, but my instinct - not just when I am bored, but when I am frustrated as well - is to go and buy a book. I come to figure out that this is some sort of coping mechanism - a much lighter degree of shopping as a recreational activity.

I sat there and thought about it.  I certainly have the cash and as I shop at used book stores.  And there are certainly books I can find to read (Usually.  Thanks to The Plague, that is a bit hard to come by these days - not enough people selling books due to closed stores and limited hours).  And it is an easy drive.

But I kept coming back to the question "Why"?

Why was it this need - this seemingly burning, intense need - was there? Was it a real need?  Or was it a want? And if a want, why did it need to be exercised.

I thought.  And I thought.  And I ended up staying home, reading a book or two I already had.  Saved the fuel.  Saved the money.  Still was entertained.

It is a minor - very minor - victory on the road to learning to come terms with exercising every little whim and desire that comes up.  From such small mustard seeds, trees grow.

Now I have to fight the urge to reward myself with a book...

The Truth of the Word Of God

"But to deviate from the truth for the sake of some prospect of hope of our own can never be wise, however slight the deviation may be.  It is not our judgement of the situation which can show us what is wise, but only the truth of the Word of God.  Here alone lies the promise of God's faithfulness and help.

It will always be true that the wisest course for the disciple is always to abide solely by the Word of God in all simplicity."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

To Know If The Water Is Hot or Cold...

I love this quote of Yamaoka Tesshu.  It perfectly sums up what is truly required to succeed, really in any field.

Mind you, I am not as good a practitioner of this as I should be.  I am often inherently lazy.  I do not like to practice - or even when I do, it so often feels like I am going through the motions rather than actually drilling (I long ago surrendered the idea that the improvement happens per se in practice.  Practice makes the breakthroughs possible but it is just as much about embedding technique and facts in your muscles and mind for later use).

But that too, I suppose, is part of following the course.

A Plea For Dissolution: A Bit Of An Apology

Apologies if yesterday seemed a bit depressing.  To be completely honest with you, I am about out of hope for any kind of productive resolution to all of this.

If I may use an analogy, it feels the same as The Plague of 2020:  a two week emergency that has extended to almost six months without any kind of an exit plan being provided.  We have progressed from "two weeks to flatten the curve" to "stay away and indoors and wait for the vaccine" to "we may not have a vaccine that works so just keep doing what you are doing."  Apparently forever.

(Note:  It is a real thing.  Trust me.  From the literature, it is still too early to understand some of the long term implications of it.  When my Chief Medical Officer at my job - a smart human being with a great deal of experience - is not worried anymore, then I will not be worried anymore.)

Now apply this across the board:  Politics.  The Economy.  Religion.  Just general social interactions, be they in person or in the InterWeb.

Even my natural ebullience is starting to fade.

The thing that pulls me down is I do not see how we come back after this.

It is not even a discussion of things as a "New Normal" but having any sort of "Normal at all.

 I will use The Plague of 2020 as an example.  Assuming a successful vaccine is  never developed, or even if one is, the world will never be the same.  Too much economic and social damage has occurred - even if we are told it is now "okay" to sit next to strangers on flights or be near them in shopping venues, will we feel comfortable in doing so? (Note: Not me.  Transmissible diseases are a great deal more than The Plague and strangely, we have become rather reckless about such things.)

Lots of impacts come from this:  How we interact as a group (will physical touch become so rare  between humans that it is something literally only shared between family members?), how we interact as a business (social niceties such as handshakes and in-person meetings for the sake of seeing each other are also rapidly going the way of the dinosaur), even how we entertain ourselves. 

I suspect that never again will "dinner and a movie" be a viable option for much of anything unless it occurs in the home.

Again, apply this across every spectrum.  Politics where all we have is screaming at each other - or more and more, acting out.  A economy which is divided into the few "essential industries" and the many "non-essential", which is really a word for "can be shut down without notice at any time
"because".  Religion where not only is meeting together forbidden (it is already happening here) but Scripture is put aside for whatever the pastor feels is the "real" need of society.

Perhaps this is merely the Five Stages of Grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance - with myself somehow having slipped into item four, Depression, without realizing I went through the first three.  And I do not know I would even define it as depression, but rather a long sadness as a world seems to completely dissolve, leaving an unknown country which appears to be nothing but anger, violence, isolation, and the horror of man's inhumanity to man.

At one time I questioned the reason that Monks and Anchorites isolated themselves from the world when they could be doing so much good.  I am coming to understand it was done as much for their own sanity as it was moving away from a world that sought only to tear them from The Way.

A Plea For Dissolution

At the beginning of what promises to be a long, hot, unfortunate two month period, I once again make my plea to seriously consider dissolution of the Union.

The events of the summer - and year to date for that matter - indicate that, simply, we are no longer one people.  We have two very different views of politics, the world, and (in fact) civilization itself.

In point of fact, we are already at the point of two (or more) nations.  Yes, I know, one nation and all that, but in point of fact we face a situation where a segment of the population wants nothing but violence and a very different country and on the other hand, a group of people that - it seems - are being drawn to the point of deciding that if no one else will act on their behalf, they will.

We have been atomized to the point where the two sides really have not a single thing in common.  Nor, it seems, is there any interest any more in finding commonalities. For one side, a desire to just live their lives.  On the other, a desire to enforce by violence a new social order.

And are there any remaining commonalities?  I am not sure, nor am seeing any on the horizon that would change that opinion.  One side calling the other "enemies of the state" and "the side of darkness" is hardly likely to evoke any sense of wanting to let bygones be bygones.

To be clear - this is not meant to be a discussion of race, religion, ethnicity, sexuality, or social background.  These are no longer where the lines appear.  This is a line between people that see violence as progress to the point of gaining power, then violence as a means of enforcing that power and the population as a taxable base to create a Utopian society and those that simply want to live their lives with as little interference from the government as possible.  So let us at least have clarity on that.  It is a disagreement about philosophy and direction instead of any of those other things.

(Usual comment here about how we do not discussion politics et al here.  As usual, we discuss concepts and theories.)

Civil wars have started for less.

We no longer share a national consciousness.  We have ceded the ability to have meaningful discussions about policy and beliefs.  We have carefully discarded, one by one, the ties that bound us together.  And every organization that has the potential to bring us together has either been consciously eviscerated or unconsciously surrendered its power to do so.

I write this with a heavy heart.  I grew up in a nation-state that had unifying characteristics and a sense of "us".  I deplore the use of violence to accomplish an ends - but I equally deplore the idea that one side should sit, endlessly a target of the other with those that should know better doing and saying nothing.

I know - divorces are never easy.  At the best of times, they are unpleasant - legalities, who gets what, which set of friends do you want to keep versus who do I want to keep.  At worst, they are bitter fights full of words of hate.

But a divorce can far exceed the years and years of bitter fighting, unhappiness, and social destruction that can also occur as a result.

Please.  Can we just agree that we no longer want to be together and separate on okay terms instead of continuing to pretend that somehow things will work out when in point of fact we know they will not?

Hirosawa Pond

Pride And Deadlifts

As I think I mentioned here in the past, I train via weight lifting three days a week.  I have done so since 2015, initially starting on my own but converting over (after a pretty short period of time) to my coach, who for writing purposes we will call The Punisher both for his workouts and the delight he takes in them.

Overall I have been very happy with working out with weights. It appeals to my lack of enjoyment in team sports as it can be done on an individual basis and, if one finds the right gym (or has a home gym) one can work out when it is convenient - for me, in the evenings.  It is a relatively short activity span of 30-40 minutes which has made a positive impact in my life.

I do not suffer from a drive to become "strong".  I am realistic in that in my mid-50's I need these body to last another 30+ years, especially things like my knees and back.  Thus, while I strive to improve, I do not attempt to do things exceedingly out of my class - my biggest deadlift single ever was 315 lbs (142 kg) and I sincerely doubt I will ever exceed that.

That said, being "stronger" has numerous benefits.  Plenty of studies show retaining lean muscle mass does all kinds of good things for aging.  It also helps with my Iaijutsu as well as just in life (being able to lift things is a handy skill to have). 

It is all good - except when I allow my ego to get in the way.  And thus, the story.

I work out, as indicated, in the evenings (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) except when I get "lazy" on Fridays and then I go in on Saturdays.  Friday is Deadlift Day, where one pulls the barbell from the floor, back straight, to a standing position.  I have struggled for many years with my form and the only way I know to manage it is to change my position so that I do not directly face the mirror in front of the lifting area but that I can see myself from the side.  It looks dorky and no-one else ever does it, but it does make my form better as I have instant feedback.

As I said, sometimes I go in on Saturdays.  And Saturdays are when the weight coaches at my gym are there.  There is no interference of course - they are training their clients and I am doing my own thing - but always in the back of my head I think that they are watching me, judging me (you know, professional ethic and all that and "What is that idiot think he is doing?").  Nothing is every said, but it is as if I feel their eyes on me.

So on Saturday, I deadlift.  For one moment at the beginning, I think "I need to change my position so I can see myself in the mirror" - then think to myself "that will look stupid" and carry on with the lift.  You guessed it - my back was not correctly flattened, and my muscles had some things to say to me.

The physical pain is there, of course - I have managed through this before, and am at least smart enough to not compound the problem.  Rest, hot showers, stretching - I will be fine.  The real injury that I am trying to understand is the pride that drove me to this in the first place.

I never interact with these people - heck, if I did not go in on Saturdays I would never see them.  So why does seeing them suddenly cause me to have to feel that I have to look more "professional" or skilled?  Am I really that vain?  Or is it that, somewhere deep inside, the part of me that always craved the notice of those I thought experts or "cool" never really went away?

Well, it has to, of course.  I am certainly old enough now that the likelihood that one of these individuals is going to suddenly see me as "the unrealized talent" is far past.

And, of course, my back will think the better of me.

On The Curtain Call Of Parenting

I suppose there comes a moment as a parent when one realizes that the major part of your job is over.

I find myself in this position with Nighean Gheal, our oldest, a senior in college.  We have been remarkably blessed this year in that most of her college is paid for not by us - so much so, we need only supply a little money for rent and board.  But perhaps as a result, the bonds that bound us in that circumstance have become very thin indeed.

She has always been the independent one, and her two years abroad have increased that tendency undoubtedly because she had to become so.  It has certain other impacts which also manifest themselves:  an almost complete dedication to the privacy of her personal life (which apparently she will not even discuss with The Ravishing Mrs. TB), and what seems to be a slowly continuous distancing in other aspects of her life.

The likelihood that she was ever going to be back after college was slim at best as she is a lover of urban environments in a way I cannot possibly comprehend (she sees life and activity and variety, I only see scads of people far too lose to and a natural world completely destroyed) - but certainly not the urban environment we live in currently.  Perhaps given all that the economy is doing now that is a little more likely than before, though I suspect that it will not be by any more choice than before.

All of this is sort of in abeyance of course as we continue to work through college, but after that I suspect it is off she goes without a glance back.

The apotheosis will have become complete. The adult will have arrived.  Fade to black, pull curtains.

Is this normal, I wonder?  The time to consider success or failure is past; I have no more than some kind of general benevolent presence influence at best.    Any thoughts or wishes to have done more or differently have passed as they must, given the nature of time:  always forward, never back.

If all of this is true - and I believe that it is - then why do I still feel as if I somehow have somehow not completed the task?  Or is this the regret all parents have when ultimately the children leave, feeling that something more could have been done, or done differently?

But like the bowman, the arrow has been launched and its zenith passed.  It will land far beyond where my eyes can see.

God's Judgement And The American Church

In a time of ongoing and seemingly endless disasters - a Plague, a failing economy, civil unrest, inclement weather, and fires (and that is only through August!) - one would think that the American Church would be calling for a time of repentance, fasting, and prayer.

You did not miss the call.  I did not either - because it has not come.

I am of an age that I can remember a time when such a thing would happen and while not perhaps being universally adopted, would have been at least universally acknowledged.  We have long passed that point amongst the general population and now, it seems, amongst the Church.

That is not to say that such pleas are not occurring within the Church on a case by case basis.  I know too much of parts of the Church to believe that to be true.  But in large part, they have simply abandoned their posts.

We are increasingly under the judgement of God.  There is no other way to say it.  The list of reasons is rather lengthy and in some cases, exceeds the material that we would discuss here.  But in every sense, we appear to be under the increasing judgement of God.

What do I mean by the judgement of God?  Two types, really (there are much smarter people - like Reverend Paul - that can explain this far better than I can).  The first is what one might call the "Old Testament Wrath of God Judgements" - you know, the ones from the Old Testament where bad things happen:  plagues of gnats and frogs and mice or just flat out sicknesses, darkness, destructive weather that destroys crops and livestock, drouth, conquering armies, servitude, even death.  The "Thou Art Smitten Hip And Thigh" set of judgements.

The second type - arguably far more subtle - is the removal of God's presence and sheltering hand.  In this case, God does not "do" anything except absent Himself from our lives and our circumstances - He just lets Nature "take its course" as it were.  This can physical - the hurricane that hits the coast, the lightning strikes that cause the fires - or mental and spiritual - the people in our lives that just walk away from Him and in a different direction, the increasing decay in a society.

What has the Church done when confronted with these circumstances?  Almost nothing.  Lamented some very social and political causes (beyond the scope of what we talk about here).  Prayed for certain aspects of the community - for example, those displaced by the economic shutdown - while ignoring those that have been displaced by the ongoing civil unrest.  They have pretended that somehow one aspect of culture needs to be focused on while completely ignoring the overall coarsening and debasing of the other 95% of culture.

And somehow, confusing to me, they feel more confident than ever that they are doing the right thing and boldly expanding the Kingdom.

I cannot answer if they are expanding the Kingdom or not; that answer is far beyond me.  What I can conclusively suggest that given the nature of the world around us, evidence suggests that they are only fooling themselves in their supposed relevance to the world and its goings on.

If the Church cannot see God's judgement upon the world, I fear that the Church itself has become as lost as the world it proposes to lead to the knowledge of God.

A Few Words From....Sakai Yusai

"The message I wish to convey is, please, live each day as if it is your entire life.  If you start something today, finish it today; tomorrow is another world.  Live life positively."

- Sakai Yusai, Daigyoman Ajari (Saintly Master of Higher Practice), Monastery of Mt. Hiei, Kyoto, Japan

A Few Words From..Ol' Remus

“Middle class America is no less violent than any other people. They seem passive because they’re results oriented. They rise not out of blood frenzy but to solve the otherwise insoluble. Their methods of choice are good will, cooperation, forbearance, negotiation and finally, appeasement, roughly in that order. Only when these fail to end the abuse do they revert to blowback. And they do so irretrievably. Once the course is set and the outcome defined, doubt is put aside. The middle class is known, condemned actually, for carrying out violence with the efficiency of an industrial project where bloody destruction at any scale is not only in play, it’s a metric. Remorse is left for the next generation, they’ll have the leisure for it. We’d like to believe this is merely dark speculation. History says it isn’t.” – The Late Ol’ Remus

(Hat Tip:  Survival Blog)

(And we do dearly miss him and his wisdom.  Rest well, friend.)