I suppose there comes a moment as a parent when one realizes that the major part of your job is over.
I find myself in this position with Nighean Gheal, our oldest, a senior in college. We have been remarkably blessed this year in that most of her college is paid for not by us - so much so, we need only supply a little money for rent and board. But perhaps as a result, the bonds that bound us in that circumstance have become very thin indeed.
She has always been the independent one, and her two years abroad have increased that tendency undoubtedly because she had to become so. It has certain other impacts which also manifest themselves: an almost complete dedication to the privacy of her personal life (which apparently she will not even discuss with The Ravishing Mrs. TB), and what seems to be a slowly continuous distancing in other aspects of her life.
The likelihood that she was ever going to be back after college was slim at best as she is a lover of urban environments in a way I cannot possibly comprehend (she sees life and activity and variety, I only see scads of people far too lose to and a natural world completely destroyed) - but certainly not the urban environment we live in currently. Perhaps given all that the economy is doing now that is a little more likely than before, though I suspect that it will not be by any more choice than before.
All of this is sort of in abeyance of course as we continue to work through college, but after that I suspect it is off she goes without a glance back.
The apotheosis will have become complete. The adult will have arrived. Fade to black, pull curtains.
Is this normal, I wonder? The time to consider success or failure is past; I have no more than some kind of general benevolent presence influence at best. Any thoughts or wishes to have done more or differently have passed as they must, given the nature of time: always forward, never back.
If all of this is true - and I believe that it is - then why do I still feel as if I somehow have somehow not completed the task? Or is this the regret all parents have when ultimately the children leave, feeling that something more could have been done, or done differently?
But like the bowman, the arrow has been launched and its zenith passed. It will land far beyond where my eyes can see.
I trust you are well positioned to make the change gracefully and with aplomb. You seem well seasoned and grounded.
ReplyDeleteAs that time came for our youngest to leave, I suddenly realized that all the energy my wife put into their raising would be focused on me like distilled sunshine. It was worse than I expected. Disorders became apparent, and now is the Alan Parson's song... Where do we go from here.
STxAR, we have three, so we are going to be going through this for a while. That said, I think the single biggest change will be finding areas of commonality for communication. We are at a bit of an impasse there.
DeleteHmmmmm.
ReplyDeleteLooks like the situation is well in hand, TB! 😊👍
Glen, I am not sure I share your confidence. Maybe it is just the fact I so seldom hear anything anymore, but I wonder.
DeleteI think sometimes what we have to grieve is the loss of our hopes and dreams for our children. Intellectually, we can accept that they are their own persons, with their own talents, abilities, shortcomings, struggles, likes, dislikes, etc., even if they are different from ours. But I think a parent's heart is always hoping for something more, something "better." I reckon we have to grow up right along with them.
ReplyDeleteOh, that is a good thought Leigh - good and challenging. I think your are probably true. I had certainly hopes for how they would grow up and what they would be. It is interesting seeing the parts of me that do show up - it is not consistent amongst the three.
DeleteHowever (and perhaps this is your point) at some point they are adults and live their own lives. At that point it is up to us to do the same.
TB, I agree. But it isn't easy to make the transition from parent-child to adult-adult with our children. We're still the parents, but the relationship changes when they spread their wings and take flight.
DeleteTrue Leigh. Unfortunately I tend to be terrible at transitions....
DeleteMy mom always said that even though her chicks left the nest, they were still chicks in her eyes even if they were considered middle aged with families of their own.
ReplyDeleteEd, I think on one level that is always true. On another level, I wonder. They can become so much different than us and sometimes lack the wisdom of age to be able to negotiate that well.
DeleteI think the letting go will be the most difficult thing. My wife and I are not helicopter parents, but the youngest seems to be chomping at the bit to leave the nest and have a life of her own 'Out There' (presumably far from her parents). Independence runs strong in her as well - I just hope she is prepared to deal with the Cruel World. I guess we will find out sooner than later.
ReplyDeleteThe oldest one is autistic and also wants to leave the nest. He does not have the life skills yet to live independently and my wife and I are not ready to hand over the reins completely to him.
I think so as well Anonymous. I do not know that we hover, but then again the world is a great deal changed since I took my first steps towards independence.
DeleteAutistic can be very hard. The Ravishing Mrs. TB has an autistic cousin who fortunately was able to find a supportive living situation which gives him some level of independence (a job) while providing home care and oversight.
Thanks for stopping by!
Better an independent, well adjusted adult then a whiny, jobless 30 year old still living at home. You have done your job well. Don't worry, let her fly...she will come back.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tewshooz. I think we have at least managed to instill a love of education, taking action, and being mindful of others. Perhaps that is enough for now.
DeleteOur oldest became more distant as he became more liberal.
ReplyDeleteYou do your best and that is all you can do.
God bless you all.
That is all we can do, Linda. Sometimes I forget that.
DeleteOh, this has struck a nerve. My children are grown and gone now, and they don't have a need for me. Most days, I don't think they have any desire at all for me in their lives. It is strange. They are both very successful in their lives and I am a peripheral figure. Sometimes, when I see other people who are close to their grown children, I wonder what happened. But they are good people, very good people.
ReplyDeleteDebby, far be it from me to make a specific from a general sense, but I wonder if our culture has not encouraged this. Independence as an adult means independence from everything, including family. Or sometimes it is just the way people are wired, I suppose.
DeleteGood people is a very good start. Involved people would be more desirable, of course.