Pride And Deadlifts

As I think I mentioned here in the past, I train via weight lifting three days a week.  I have done so since 2015, initially starting on my own but converting over (after a pretty short period of time) to my coach, who for writing purposes we will call The Punisher both for his workouts and the delight he takes in them.

Overall I have been very happy with working out with weights. It appeals to my lack of enjoyment in team sports as it can be done on an individual basis and, if one finds the right gym (or has a home gym) one can work out when it is convenient - for me, in the evenings.  It is a relatively short activity span of 30-40 minutes which has made a positive impact in my life.

I do not suffer from a drive to become "strong".  I am realistic in that in my mid-50's I need these body to last another 30+ years, especially things like my knees and back.  Thus, while I strive to improve, I do not attempt to do things exceedingly out of my class - my biggest deadlift single ever was 315 lbs (142 kg) and I sincerely doubt I will ever exceed that.

That said, being "stronger" has numerous benefits.  Plenty of studies show retaining lean muscle mass does all kinds of good things for aging.  It also helps with my Iaijutsu as well as just in life (being able to lift things is a handy skill to have). 

It is all good - except when I allow my ego to get in the way.  And thus, the story.

I work out, as indicated, in the evenings (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) except when I get "lazy" on Fridays and then I go in on Saturdays.  Friday is Deadlift Day, where one pulls the barbell from the floor, back straight, to a standing position.  I have struggled for many years with my form and the only way I know to manage it is to change my position so that I do not directly face the mirror in front of the lifting area but that I can see myself from the side.  It looks dorky and no-one else ever does it, but it does make my form better as I have instant feedback.

As I said, sometimes I go in on Saturdays.  And Saturdays are when the weight coaches at my gym are there.  There is no interference of course - they are training their clients and I am doing my own thing - but always in the back of my head I think that they are watching me, judging me (you know, professional ethic and all that and "What is that idiot think he is doing?").  Nothing is every said, but it is as if I feel their eyes on me.

So on Saturday, I deadlift.  For one moment at the beginning, I think "I need to change my position so I can see myself in the mirror" - then think to myself "that will look stupid" and carry on with the lift.  You guessed it - my back was not correctly flattened, and my muscles had some things to say to me.

The physical pain is there, of course - I have managed through this before, and am at least smart enough to not compound the problem.  Rest, hot showers, stretching - I will be fine.  The real injury that I am trying to understand is the pride that drove me to this in the first place.

I never interact with these people - heck, if I did not go in on Saturdays I would never see them.  So why does seeing them suddenly cause me to have to feel that I have to look more "professional" or skilled?  Am I really that vain?  Or is it that, somewhere deep inside, the part of me that always craved the notice of those I thought experts or "cool" never really went away?

Well, it has to, of course.  I am certainly old enough now that the likelihood that one of these individuals is going to suddenly see me as "the unrealized talent" is far past.

And, of course, my back will think the better of me.