Why do I make excuses for why I cannot - or will not - look for a new career? This is the outcome of my pondering on yesterday's consideration and going through the process of living through my day at work.
What are my excuses?
- Money, of course. As Pioneer Preppy pointed out so well yesterday, money is a huge consideration. The thought of disrupting the money flow is a terrifying thought at the best of times, and as The Firm proved, making a bad decision about money can haunt you for years after the decision both financially and personally.
- Experience. I argue with myself that I have "invested" 16 plus years in my current line of work and starting from the bottom again will just be an exercise in futility that I do not want to undertake for a second time.
- Difficulty. Yes, it is hard to find a new career field. Lots of searching, lots of applying, lots of rejections.
But in writing them out, those are pretty tame excuses considering my rising level of unhappiness. Not enough money? Find a way to make more. Not enough experience? Be creative - how does your current experience level translate into other areas - or simply learn new skills. Difficulty? Sure, it is difficult - but lots of things that I have done in my life are difficult. What is my point?
The last is the most telling to me. Difficult. But I have done many difficult things - I have sung in front of people, performed on the harp, created and written four books, wrote 50,000 words in 30 days, learned a sword art form, and competed in Highland Athletics. Any one of those things could be considered difficult - yet I have done them all.
It comes down to self belief.
I do not believe that I can do this thing. That is what it is. I do not have the internally energizing belief that I can find a new line of work - or even create one for myself. Always in the back of my mind I see myself as the one with my hand out, begging for a job rather than being desired for one.
How did I end up with such an image in my head? Years of the job process I suppose, always applying for multiple jobs while hoping against hope that someone will say yes, that someone will beneficently agree that you are the one. But in every other example I listed there was no deus ex machina which made it happen. Yes, I have had more help in each of those things than I could have ever dreamed off. But that help would not have made a difference - indeed, would not have been offered - unless I made the effort to do the activity, and believed that I could.
So there is the key - changing my image from a beggar pleading for a career to someone confidently making a career and being a valued resource.
How does one make this happen?
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Job Change and Excuses
The thought of changing jobs keeps haunting my mind.
It occurred again last night when I was tying up the final edits of my next manuscript, waiting for it to upload to CreateSpace. I reminded myself again how much I really enjoy writing (no idea if I am any good at it, but I sure do enjoy it). And then I started going through my list of things that I want to be about this year: two more books, more Highland Games, more God, more Japanese, more Iaijutsu, more gardening and cheese making and mead making, more family.
You will notice what is missing from that list of course. My current employment.
I keep trying to nudge myself that way subconsciously - and then I keep beating myself back, convincing myself that such a thing is impossible. As if my most recent manuscript was not about self imposed limitations (which it is). Just like I thought that Highland Athletics were impossible - until they were not. And writing was - until it was not.
It comes down to that self confidence thing that has bedeviled me for year. A man without self confidence will not do many things if even he can. The man with self confidence will do many things even if he does not know how at the moment.
And a priority. I need to make it priority. Yes, I know that I love to do these things and yes, I know that career changes are never much fun, but what I am finding is that I am subconsciously burying this desire to move on by not making any attempt to change anything. "It's not the right time" I tell myself, "I do not know where to begin." Silly when I type it out of course, because there really is no better time than right now to start anything.
It comes down to this: if you do not love what you do, why are you doing it? Or more precisely, what excuses are you giving as to why you cannot change?
It occurred again last night when I was tying up the final edits of my next manuscript, waiting for it to upload to CreateSpace. I reminded myself again how much I really enjoy writing (no idea if I am any good at it, but I sure do enjoy it). And then I started going through my list of things that I want to be about this year: two more books, more Highland Games, more God, more Japanese, more Iaijutsu, more gardening and cheese making and mead making, more family.
You will notice what is missing from that list of course. My current employment.
I keep trying to nudge myself that way subconsciously - and then I keep beating myself back, convincing myself that such a thing is impossible. As if my most recent manuscript was not about self imposed limitations (which it is). Just like I thought that Highland Athletics were impossible - until they were not. And writing was - until it was not.
It comes down to that self confidence thing that has bedeviled me for year. A man without self confidence will not do many things if even he can. The man with self confidence will do many things even if he does not know how at the moment.
And a priority. I need to make it priority. Yes, I know that I love to do these things and yes, I know that career changes are never much fun, but what I am finding is that I am subconsciously burying this desire to move on by not making any attempt to change anything. "It's not the right time" I tell myself, "I do not know where to begin." Silly when I type it out of course, because there really is no better time than right now to start anything.
It comes down to this: if you do not love what you do, why are you doing it? Or more precisely, what excuses are you giving as to why you cannot change?
Monday, April 14, 2014
Running in Weather
Looking out the door to run this morning I had my usual second thoughts. It was hot and humid, hardly the sort of weather that I enjoy running in - coming back soaked in a shirt is not something that I do not really enjoy. Still, running is running, so I compromised, took off my shirt, and headed out.
The air was warm and a bit sticky but with an underlying hint of cold in it. I rounded my first corner and then my second. The wind was blowing briskly but nothing to significant. It was a pretty good day for a run.
Right until the cold front hit.
I have been inside when cold fronts hit. The wind is amazing - in one case, it sounded like a freight train hit the house.
But being outside is something else.
Suddenly as I turned the corner and headed North I was hit by a huge blast of wind that just blew and blew and blew. The humidity of earlier was blown away in an instant, replaced by sprinkles of rain. It was significant enough that I thought about ending my run earlier and going home but thought "Hey, it is only another mile. How bad can it be?"
The rain started about a quarter mile later. And not "Oooh, I hear laughter in rain" rain. Large, heavy, driving drops that spoke more of the cold weather behind than us in winter than the spring we are supposed to be in. And it just kept coming and coming and coming, until when rounding the final corner it finally let up.
My time was not too bad for a 5K: 25:10. The temperature dropped 11 degrees during the course of that run. The most ironic thing, of course, is that I came home soaking wet - without a t-shirt.
Maybe, on the whole, the T-shirt really does not make the difference.
The air was warm and a bit sticky but with an underlying hint of cold in it. I rounded my first corner and then my second. The wind was blowing briskly but nothing to significant. It was a pretty good day for a run.
Right until the cold front hit.
I have been inside when cold fronts hit. The wind is amazing - in one case, it sounded like a freight train hit the house.
But being outside is something else.
Suddenly as I turned the corner and headed North I was hit by a huge blast of wind that just blew and blew and blew. The humidity of earlier was blown away in an instant, replaced by sprinkles of rain. It was significant enough that I thought about ending my run earlier and going home but thought "Hey, it is only another mile. How bad can it be?"
The rain started about a quarter mile later. And not "Oooh, I hear laughter in rain" rain. Large, heavy, driving drops that spoke more of the cold weather behind than us in winter than the spring we are supposed to be in. And it just kept coming and coming and coming, until when rounding the final corner it finally let up.
My time was not too bad for a 5K: 25:10. The temperature dropped 11 degrees during the course of that run. The most ironic thing, of course, is that I came home soaking wet - without a t-shirt.
Maybe, on the whole, the T-shirt really does not make the difference.
Friday, April 11, 2014
On The Cutting Of Anchors
One of the activities I do five days a week is post a quote on Facebook. I do not know that one can say that posting a quote on something is a "calling", but I like to believe that I am improving the lives of my friends by giving them something to start the day with. Sometimes (at least to me) thought provoking, sometimes humorous, it has actually become a game to find them and post them. You get responses of course: some funny, some with additional words of wisdom, some just "agree" or some such.
Yesterday something happened which has happened before: I received a response from someone that was...sarcastic. Political. And not, in my way of thinking, all that funny.
I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to respond with an equivalent drive-by remark. Part of me did not want to respond at all, as I have learned that arguing on Facebook or in any electronic media leads nowhere. And part of me simply wanted to delete the comment altogether without addressing it, a sort of passive-aggressive response.
I started thinking about it more and realized that the only time this individual seems to respond is with some sort of sarcastic or internally funny comment. Not that this is any indication of the individual, of course: good human being, very caring, has lots going on and has done lots for others. It is just that the interactions we seem to have via electronic media always end up in this sort of intellectual cul-de-sac where nothing can be discussed.
And then I realized: why am I continuing to allow this incident and this person to bother me?
The reality is that, especially since the move, my life is filled with tons of wonderful people. Supportive people, goal oriented people, people who are focused on not only making themselves better but making everyone else around them better. People that are moving forward, not people that seemingly snip at every turn.
And then the thought came: Why are you letting them hold you back?
Is it habit? Is it comfort? Is it holding on to something that passed a long time ago because I am unwilling to realize that I am someone different than what I was and I have found people that fit into that new situation? Or simply the potential regret of cutting back on long time relationships that no longer fill a gap?
I am not sure. What I do know is after thinking about it for a while, I instead let my mind be filled with all of those people who are part of my life, who do enlarge my borders and my make days brighter. There are so many of them in all different walks of my life. And my heart was much happier.
I am still holding the rope to that particular anchor in my hand as I face another morning. I am undecided about what I will eventually do - but I do know this: without releasing the anchor, one cannot sail on.
Yesterday something happened which has happened before: I received a response from someone that was...sarcastic. Political. And not, in my way of thinking, all that funny.
I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to respond with an equivalent drive-by remark. Part of me did not want to respond at all, as I have learned that arguing on Facebook or in any electronic media leads nowhere. And part of me simply wanted to delete the comment altogether without addressing it, a sort of passive-aggressive response.
I started thinking about it more and realized that the only time this individual seems to respond is with some sort of sarcastic or internally funny comment. Not that this is any indication of the individual, of course: good human being, very caring, has lots going on and has done lots for others. It is just that the interactions we seem to have via electronic media always end up in this sort of intellectual cul-de-sac where nothing can be discussed.
And then I realized: why am I continuing to allow this incident and this person to bother me?
The reality is that, especially since the move, my life is filled with tons of wonderful people. Supportive people, goal oriented people, people who are focused on not only making themselves better but making everyone else around them better. People that are moving forward, not people that seemingly snip at every turn.
And then the thought came: Why are you letting them hold you back?
Is it habit? Is it comfort? Is it holding on to something that passed a long time ago because I am unwilling to realize that I am someone different than what I was and I have found people that fit into that new situation? Or simply the potential regret of cutting back on long time relationships that no longer fill a gap?
I am not sure. What I do know is after thinking about it for a while, I instead let my mind be filled with all of those people who are part of my life, who do enlarge my borders and my make days brighter. There are so many of them in all different walks of my life. And my heart was much happier.
I am still holding the rope to that particular anchor in my hand as I face another morning. I am undecided about what I will eventually do - but I do know this: without releasing the anchor, one cannot sail on.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
On Deciding in Writing
I am almost through my backlog of books I am working on.
Just getting to this point is always a struggle for me. I tend to be one that likes to get to a certain point and then immediately move on to the next project, leaving this one almost finished. I have had to set aside the manuscript I was working on to finish proofing the one that I had just finished (editing - not my favorite thing). But that is almost done now and I can move to editing/proofing the manuscript in my possession (the goal is that I finish with that by the end of April).
And then what?
Well, I have one or two projects of course (I always seem to have more than I can do): one more fable and one more theological book (comparing Highland Athletics and what the Church is supposed to be - I kind of like the concept). As with the rest of my writing, these could potentially be done by the end of the year depending on how quickly I write (I am trying to set aside some time on regular basis for that now to make sure that I start consistently doing it).
And then what?
A splendid question and one I do not know I fully have an answer to yet. I have one or two conceptual ideas but at least one of them is something that I have never written before: fiction. Real fiction, not the sort of fable that I have written heretofore. I find that a little daunting, actually - it feels like I would be writing something which is totally beyond my abilities (if you have read good fiction, you know how rare it is). And yet I suppose I should not - 5 years ago I did not believe that I could write anything at all and I have self published 3 books with two more on the way.
So maybe the question is not so much what I will be writing next, but if I am willing to step things up to the next level to do so. After all, I love writing - a great deal. Why would I not try to get better at it?
Just getting to this point is always a struggle for me. I tend to be one that likes to get to a certain point and then immediately move on to the next project, leaving this one almost finished. I have had to set aside the manuscript I was working on to finish proofing the one that I had just finished (editing - not my favorite thing). But that is almost done now and I can move to editing/proofing the manuscript in my possession (the goal is that I finish with that by the end of April).
And then what?
Well, I have one or two projects of course (I always seem to have more than I can do): one more fable and one more theological book (comparing Highland Athletics and what the Church is supposed to be - I kind of like the concept). As with the rest of my writing, these could potentially be done by the end of the year depending on how quickly I write (I am trying to set aside some time on regular basis for that now to make sure that I start consistently doing it).
And then what?
A splendid question and one I do not know I fully have an answer to yet. I have one or two conceptual ideas but at least one of them is something that I have never written before: fiction. Real fiction, not the sort of fable that I have written heretofore. I find that a little daunting, actually - it feels like I would be writing something which is totally beyond my abilities (if you have read good fiction, you know how rare it is). And yet I suppose I should not - 5 years ago I did not believe that I could write anything at all and I have self published 3 books with two more on the way.
So maybe the question is not so much what I will be writing next, but if I am willing to step things up to the next level to do so. After all, I love writing - a great deal. Why would I not try to get better at it?
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
A Change In Doing
I have been giving a great deal of consideration this week to what I should be doing next.
Oh, not the rest of my life. That is going pretty swimmingly, thank you very much - I have more than enough activities that I enjoy to do, An Teaghlach is doing well, and there is really not a great deal to complain about, except that I never seem to have enough time to do things.
Which leads me back to my employment.
This week has been a little rough - not so much from the work side but from the personality side of work. Add to that the fact that by staying late it actually means that the commute is less (but my time is more) and you begin to see the difficulty. It is that sudden realization (or maybe gradually revealing realization) that things really are not going in the direction one would be hoping for and they are not likely to change any time soon.
But what next? Therein lies the rub.
I have come up with a few items. I do not really care to manage people again - I do not mind it, but I find my management style to be primus inter pares, not a hierarchy (which most places are). I would prefer not to spend scads of time driving to and from somewhere - in fact, the less I am in the office facing people the more productive I seem to be. And with the exception of a few particular experiences I have exceeded my limit on learning new things - instead I will be doing the same things over and over if I stay in my current line of work.
But what does that mean? It means that the solution will not be easy because finding something that has those elements is not easy. It probably means figuring out a way to do something outside of the box, something which I excel at in my personal life but not so much in my professional life.
But I can do it. That is the thing. My personal life is a series of events where I have figured out ways to string things together and make them work when there is no real reason to do so. I have grown gardens in the worst of locations, made cheese and sometimes even recovered it, figured out how to recover initially bad batches of mead.
It is not that I cannot, it is merely that I have not applied the same sort of innovation to the other parts of my life.
But guess what? I need to figure this out too. Because coming home feeling defeated and small and trapped is no way to go through life.
Oh, not the rest of my life. That is going pretty swimmingly, thank you very much - I have more than enough activities that I enjoy to do, An Teaghlach is doing well, and there is really not a great deal to complain about, except that I never seem to have enough time to do things.
Which leads me back to my employment.
This week has been a little rough - not so much from the work side but from the personality side of work. Add to that the fact that by staying late it actually means that the commute is less (but my time is more) and you begin to see the difficulty. It is that sudden realization (or maybe gradually revealing realization) that things really are not going in the direction one would be hoping for and they are not likely to change any time soon.
But what next? Therein lies the rub.
I have come up with a few items. I do not really care to manage people again - I do not mind it, but I find my management style to be primus inter pares, not a hierarchy (which most places are). I would prefer not to spend scads of time driving to and from somewhere - in fact, the less I am in the office facing people the more productive I seem to be. And with the exception of a few particular experiences I have exceeded my limit on learning new things - instead I will be doing the same things over and over if I stay in my current line of work.
But what does that mean? It means that the solution will not be easy because finding something that has those elements is not easy. It probably means figuring out a way to do something outside of the box, something which I excel at in my personal life but not so much in my professional life.
But I can do it. That is the thing. My personal life is a series of events where I have figured out ways to string things together and make them work when there is no real reason to do so. I have grown gardens in the worst of locations, made cheese and sometimes even recovered it, figured out how to recover initially bad batches of mead.
It is not that I cannot, it is merely that I have not applied the same sort of innovation to the other parts of my life.
But guess what? I need to figure this out too. Because coming home feeling defeated and small and trapped is no way to go through life.
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Fire
I need to find fire.
No, not the fire as we typically know it, the sort that we warm our toes by or roast marshmallows by or young boys are incredibly drawn to try and make. I am referring to the fire within the soul, the fire that drives us on.
I have found that I am lacking in the fire lately - and it shows. It shows in the activities I do and how I do them - not that I am powerfully driven to do them, but rather that I just go through the motions. This works itself out in the fact that my performance tends to level off and I am somewhat slow and sedate (or lazy, depending on what you want to call it) in execution.
Is it the competitive spirit? Maybe - although I have never been a huge competitor. I trace this mostly to the fact that I have never really been so good at a thing to be in a competitive mode. I am always "second best" - not bad in a world that needs second violins as much as first violins mind you, but hardly the sort of thing that will drive someone on to do better.
Perhaps it is finding that goal, to be driven on to achieve that goal. But what does that goal look like? Most of the things I do hardly result in the sort of thing that a man can handle or hold in his hands or put up on his wall. They are the invisible markers of the soul that exist only in the mind. But even if invisible, there is still that fire that needs to be there.
And is it finding or stoking? Perhaps I am looking at the wrong factor. The fire may certainly be there but what I am doing to make it hotter, brighter, more engulfing? Is it that I cannot build up enthusiasm, or that I fear building up enthusiasm because I fear that I will inevitably fail and reveal my failure to others?
I need to know. As Brian Tracy says, there's only one way to coast - and balloons will only rise with the hot air of fire, not the cooler air of settling expectations.
No, not the fire as we typically know it, the sort that we warm our toes by or roast marshmallows by or young boys are incredibly drawn to try and make. I am referring to the fire within the soul, the fire that drives us on.
I have found that I am lacking in the fire lately - and it shows. It shows in the activities I do and how I do them - not that I am powerfully driven to do them, but rather that I just go through the motions. This works itself out in the fact that my performance tends to level off and I am somewhat slow and sedate (or lazy, depending on what you want to call it) in execution.
Is it the competitive spirit? Maybe - although I have never been a huge competitor. I trace this mostly to the fact that I have never really been so good at a thing to be in a competitive mode. I am always "second best" - not bad in a world that needs second violins as much as first violins mind you, but hardly the sort of thing that will drive someone on to do better.
Perhaps it is finding that goal, to be driven on to achieve that goal. But what does that goal look like? Most of the things I do hardly result in the sort of thing that a man can handle or hold in his hands or put up on his wall. They are the invisible markers of the soul that exist only in the mind. But even if invisible, there is still that fire that needs to be there.
And is it finding or stoking? Perhaps I am looking at the wrong factor. The fire may certainly be there but what I am doing to make it hotter, brighter, more engulfing? Is it that I cannot build up enthusiasm, or that I fear building up enthusiasm because I fear that I will inevitably fail and reveal my failure to others?
I need to know. As Brian Tracy says, there's only one way to coast - and balloons will only rise with the hot air of fire, not the cooler air of settling expectations.
Monday, April 07, 2014
Friday, April 04, 2014
Thursday, April 03, 2014
An Appearing Sadness
After yesterday's strong post today is a letdown: I feel completely sad and defeated.
I have no idea where this feeling came from. It was there when I woke up - in fact, I woke up feeling that way from a dream I had. But then I got up and there it still was. Prayed - could not shake it. Read my morning Bible verses - could not shake it. And so there I sat, my morning routine completely shattered by a feeling I did not understand and could not shake.
I hate it when this happens.
Ideally I would like to be able to track this back to something - some event, some comment, some thing - that I can analyze, look at, and say "Okay, this is coming from that. I just need to resolve this/let this go/do something different and shake the feeling." But that is not happening apparently - instead, I am stewing in the juices of a sadness which I cannot remove from my soul.
The rest of day is looming before me of course and I have not choice but to engage in it. Everyone else and everything else does not stop just because I am under a cloud. I will need to pick myself up and carry on about the day.
But even within this I almost feel my eyes tearing up over the thought. There seems to be something really, really unsettling in my life today.
And I do not seem to understand what it is
I have no idea where this feeling came from. It was there when I woke up - in fact, I woke up feeling that way from a dream I had. But then I got up and there it still was. Prayed - could not shake it. Read my morning Bible verses - could not shake it. And so there I sat, my morning routine completely shattered by a feeling I did not understand and could not shake.
I hate it when this happens.
Ideally I would like to be able to track this back to something - some event, some comment, some thing - that I can analyze, look at, and say "Okay, this is coming from that. I just need to resolve this/let this go/do something different and shake the feeling." But that is not happening apparently - instead, I am stewing in the juices of a sadness which I cannot remove from my soul.
The rest of day is looming before me of course and I have not choice but to engage in it. Everyone else and everything else does not stop just because I am under a cloud. I will need to pick myself up and carry on about the day.
But even within this I almost feel my eyes tearing up over the thought. There seems to be something really, really unsettling in my life today.
And I do not seem to understand what it is
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Wrong Place and Time
I am in the wrong time and place.
At heart I am a man of romance and heroism, a man of noble deeds and glorious causes (some of them lost). I long for causes to lose myself in, evil to fight, great deeds of heroism and romance to accomplish.
Instead I find myself in the role of a bureaucrat, a small man doing small things of little import and little lasting value beyond my stay at the particular place I happen to be.
Not surprisingly this creates a cognitive dissonance in my life.
I know, I know: make the problem statement and then resolve the problem. Fine. The problem statement is this: I feel a calling to something that I simply cannot seem to live. I want to live in a world of great deeds and heroes and romance. I do not.
Okay, so how do I fix this? Surely the world is not going to rearrange its time/space continuum to address my particular need, and my time travel/fabric of space bending powers are simply not what they used to be. So that is not really going to work for me.
The next option, I suppose, is to find a way to live in such a way that this is a possibility. Again, this seems to be a little difficult. Meetings cannot be resolved by whipping out my katana and battling my way to the door. Evil bosses and opposing departments (not that they are really evil or opposing, I suppose) cannot be thrust aside against overwhelming odds, nor will throwing down my gauntlet get a document signed.
That leaves one option: live as if you were this thing.
Live as if you were the thing you seek to be. If I seek heroism and romance and glory, live as if this was the ordinary way life should be. Be a hero in the smallest of things. Be romantic in the largest of ways. If something does not suggest itself as a quest, make it one.
And never give up trying to find a way to make your life even more this way. Because I firmly believe that even in this technologically advanced and seemingly socially disparate age, heroism as a way of life remains possible. Great deeds of glory and romance are still possible - in fact, we still seem to crave them (look at the entertainment industry and tell me they do not understand this). Most people just refuse to acknowledge this.
Be different. Be a person of romance and glory and great deeds.
Be a hero.
At heart I am a man of romance and heroism, a man of noble deeds and glorious causes (some of them lost). I long for causes to lose myself in, evil to fight, great deeds of heroism and romance to accomplish.
Instead I find myself in the role of a bureaucrat, a small man doing small things of little import and little lasting value beyond my stay at the particular place I happen to be.
Not surprisingly this creates a cognitive dissonance in my life.
I know, I know: make the problem statement and then resolve the problem. Fine. The problem statement is this: I feel a calling to something that I simply cannot seem to live. I want to live in a world of great deeds and heroes and romance. I do not.
Okay, so how do I fix this? Surely the world is not going to rearrange its time/space continuum to address my particular need, and my time travel/fabric of space bending powers are simply not what they used to be. So that is not really going to work for me.
The next option, I suppose, is to find a way to live in such a way that this is a possibility. Again, this seems to be a little difficult. Meetings cannot be resolved by whipping out my katana and battling my way to the door. Evil bosses and opposing departments (not that they are really evil or opposing, I suppose) cannot be thrust aside against overwhelming odds, nor will throwing down my gauntlet get a document signed.
That leaves one option: live as if you were this thing.
Live as if you were the thing you seek to be. If I seek heroism and romance and glory, live as if this was the ordinary way life should be. Be a hero in the smallest of things. Be romantic in the largest of ways. If something does not suggest itself as a quest, make it one.
And never give up trying to find a way to make your life even more this way. Because I firmly believe that even in this technologically advanced and seemingly socially disparate age, heroism as a way of life remains possible. Great deeds of glory and romance are still possible - in fact, we still seem to crave them (look at the entertainment industry and tell me they do not understand this). Most people just refuse to acknowledge this.
Be different. Be a person of romance and glory and great deeds.
Be a hero.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
The Heart Speaks
What is that, you say?
My heart wishes to speak?
Excellent, dear friend. It been long
since we have heard from you.
What is that, you say?
Let me think about it:
No no, I think you must be wrong
in the matter.
You speak to me of clouds
and I live on the ground.
You speak to me of wisps
and I live in the rain.
Fine, fine;
I will take your considerations
under advisement.
All advice is welcome.
It just, sometimes,
I find myself troubled
by the suggestions
you give me.
Although I wonder:
Is it because of
expanded fear?
Or contracted vision.
My heart wishes to speak?
Excellent, dear friend. It been long
since we have heard from you.
What is that, you say?
Let me think about it:
No no, I think you must be wrong
in the matter.
You speak to me of clouds
and I live on the ground.
You speak to me of wisps
and I live in the rain.
Fine, fine;
I will take your considerations
under advisement.
All advice is welcome.
It just, sometimes,
I find myself troubled
by the suggestions
you give me.
Although I wonder:
Is it because of
expanded fear?
Or contracted vision.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Dancing With The Sword
Last night I did iaijutsu for fun.
I realized yesterday morning as I was trying to get in some practice before I had to go run to do something else that my entire iaijutsu life for the past year plus period has been completely consumed by my in dojo certification preparation. For that period of time I have been focusing on a very specific group of kata, both sword and open hand. It is important work of course - achieving my certification is something which I need to do at this point - but the I realized something as I practiced in the morning: all the fun had gone out of it.
That is a problem, of course. If we are not doing something we supposedly enjoy for the fun at some level, it simply becomes another chore that we have to accomplish - in other words, the job that we do not really like but know that we need to do. Our hobbies become our work, and then our life becomes all work with scarcely a moment of joy in it.
So in the evening I went out for fun.
I bought myself Pompeii by Bastille, geared up, took my shinken, and went outside to practice. We had some kind of front blowing through so the wind was whistling around my hakama. Drums and chorale arrangements around head, the sky completely dark without a hint of the moon, I danced with the sword.
I made certain that I did not of the kata which I am currently learning. Instead I practiced other kata I had learned or made up my own, practicing cuts and putting them together in ways that are probably as impractical as they are fun. Back and forth, blocks and cuts and footwork, music soaring me away with the wind.
I probably did not accomplish anything formally wonderful last night. My certificate is probably no closer than it was before I started. But for a time I practiced the sword for the joy of practicing the sword, at least in my imagination letting the music chords lift me in the cutting and thrusting to the swordsman I always see in my dreams.
It was wonderful.
I realized yesterday morning as I was trying to get in some practice before I had to go run to do something else that my entire iaijutsu life for the past year plus period has been completely consumed by my in dojo certification preparation. For that period of time I have been focusing on a very specific group of kata, both sword and open hand. It is important work of course - achieving my certification is something which I need to do at this point - but the I realized something as I practiced in the morning: all the fun had gone out of it.
That is a problem, of course. If we are not doing something we supposedly enjoy for the fun at some level, it simply becomes another chore that we have to accomplish - in other words, the job that we do not really like but know that we need to do. Our hobbies become our work, and then our life becomes all work with scarcely a moment of joy in it.
So in the evening I went out for fun.
I bought myself Pompeii by Bastille, geared up, took my shinken, and went outside to practice. We had some kind of front blowing through so the wind was whistling around my hakama. Drums and chorale arrangements around head, the sky completely dark without a hint of the moon, I danced with the sword.
I made certain that I did not of the kata which I am currently learning. Instead I practiced other kata I had learned or made up my own, practicing cuts and putting them together in ways that are probably as impractical as they are fun. Back and forth, blocks and cuts and footwork, music soaring me away with the wind.
I probably did not accomplish anything formally wonderful last night. My certificate is probably no closer than it was before I started. But for a time I practiced the sword for the joy of practicing the sword, at least in my imagination letting the music chords lift me in the cutting and thrusting to the swordsman I always see in my dreams.
It was wonderful.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Hammer Fall II
So it happened again, like it did here. Hammer Fall.
Fortunately (and I use that word advisedly) I was spared as were many of my coworkers. But if you work in any industry, you know the drill. Some were not. Some were friends.
The internal workings of the mind seem to be the same, interestingly enough. First the curious thoughts of seeing certain individuals where they shouldn't be. Then the rumors start: maybe a call. Maybe an e-mail. Maybe actually seeing someone. And the Fear starts.
What is going on? Is it us? Are there more? Who are they? Are they done? Perhaps an e-mail comes out but that does not always relieve the stress - this was not really known before, who knows if this will truly be the end?
One finds out what one can of course and tries to at least communicate to calm a department. Yes, this is happening. No, I do not know who all is affected. Yes, there will be a follow up meeting. Yes, we will sort through it at that time. No, I did not know. Until then, just carry on.
And then the meeting. obviously emotional. The most uncomfortable kind of meeting. Silence. Ironically it is in the same room as where most meetings happen, so in the midst of a very somber tone the faint echos of happier times rebound in the back of one's memory.
Someone speaks, Someone else speaks, the same. Rationale and reasons are given, new direction vaguely discussed (the fallout is not fully understood), and the inevitable "Are there any questions?" is asked. Utter silence ensues. Someone coughs. Lots of looking around at the ceiling, the floor, each other - and maybe towards the individual who asked that question, even as the eyes are carefully shaded to avoid making contact.
The day is pretty much shot of course. One tries to accomplish this or that but it always seems to come back to that single question: What next? And how does it impact me?
I cannot know the future and would not guess if I could. The only thing I can accurately say is that having been through this before there will be a changed environment when I get back. Like it or not, realize it consciously or not, everything will be underpinned by the slightest sense of what happened. Holes in lunches will be noted. A lack of names on e-mails will be a constant reminder. Above it all, the uncomfortable reminder that bad things can really happen to good people - and the unfortunate knowledge that we can do little to prevent it.
Fortunately (and I use that word advisedly) I was spared as were many of my coworkers. But if you work in any industry, you know the drill. Some were not. Some were friends.
The internal workings of the mind seem to be the same, interestingly enough. First the curious thoughts of seeing certain individuals where they shouldn't be. Then the rumors start: maybe a call. Maybe an e-mail. Maybe actually seeing someone. And the Fear starts.
What is going on? Is it us? Are there more? Who are they? Are they done? Perhaps an e-mail comes out but that does not always relieve the stress - this was not really known before, who knows if this will truly be the end?
One finds out what one can of course and tries to at least communicate to calm a department. Yes, this is happening. No, I do not know who all is affected. Yes, there will be a follow up meeting. Yes, we will sort through it at that time. No, I did not know. Until then, just carry on.
And then the meeting. obviously emotional. The most uncomfortable kind of meeting. Silence. Ironically it is in the same room as where most meetings happen, so in the midst of a very somber tone the faint echos of happier times rebound in the back of one's memory.
Someone speaks, Someone else speaks, the same. Rationale and reasons are given, new direction vaguely discussed (the fallout is not fully understood), and the inevitable "Are there any questions?" is asked. Utter silence ensues. Someone coughs. Lots of looking around at the ceiling, the floor, each other - and maybe towards the individual who asked that question, even as the eyes are carefully shaded to avoid making contact.
The day is pretty much shot of course. One tries to accomplish this or that but it always seems to come back to that single question: What next? And how does it impact me?
I cannot know the future and would not guess if I could. The only thing I can accurately say is that having been through this before there will be a changed environment when I get back. Like it or not, realize it consciously or not, everything will be underpinned by the slightest sense of what happened. Holes in lunches will be noted. A lack of names on e-mails will be a constant reminder. Above it all, the uncomfortable reminder that bad things can really happen to good people - and the unfortunate knowledge that we can do little to prevent it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Animal Person
So I am an animal person.
I would love to have some land, something where I could have livestock (sheep - sheep have always attracted me for some reason - or maybe goats, but that would be for cheese) and poultry (chickens - I love chickens). Alas, this is not my life at this point in my history. So we make do.
Our current menagerie is one bird, one hamster, one dog (Syrah the Mighty), three rabbits, and two guinea pigs. I have to admit that my routine with them in the morning has become one of the highlights of my day.
I have a circuit. Start with the guinea pigs (they are new to us, but our previous guinea pig was the same): carrot, check food, hay. For these little guys I like to pick them up and hold them a minute to get them used to us. Then on to Bella, the first rabbit, who already has her head stuck out of the cage. Food, Cheerios, hay and the occasional carrot for her - although what she really wants is the attention, so we spend a few minutes getting pets. Then to the hamster, who is gnawing at the bars of her cage. She likes Cheerios one at a time: pulling them out of my fingers, she gnaws them down delicately and stuffs them in her cheek. Check on the bird, usually who just needs a little bird seed and water. Bella wants another pet, so spend a few minutes petting her again.
Then to the other rabbits, Midnight and Snowball. Snowball starts running around in his cage as soon as he sees me; he wants out. I let him out and he immediately starts hopping around me, wanting to climb up on my leg. Midnight is more sedate: she wants her carrot. I offer it to her and she immediately pulls in from my hand and starts eating. Often I will hold it in my hand to prevent it from falling through the cage; she eats, an act of trust with my hand a few inches from her throat. Snowball is still hopping around for attention. I load up their food as well - food, hay, Cheerios, and another carrot for Snowball - then pick him up. He is happy for the attention, gratefully sitting in my arms with his eyes closed. Sometimes he will look up and me and sniff my nose, his whiskers and breath tickling my face. Midnight will also occasionally come over as well and want pets as well so I sit crouched down and balanced, a white rabbit in my lap and a black rabbit at eye level who is grateful and licks either my hand or the edge of the cage, whatever is convenient (little known fact: rabbits lick as a sign of affection).
The dog, of course, is always happy (black labs are). She knows when to ignore me and when to follow me around in hopes of a small snack - and she certainly knows when it is time for a walk!
I like animals - in fact, I seem to like them a great deal more than people. They are peaceful. They go about their lives. They have small mannerisms and gestures I have come to know. And each, in their own way, knows how to show affection. They fill my life in a way no people seem to be able to.
I would love to have some land, something where I could have livestock (sheep - sheep have always attracted me for some reason - or maybe goats, but that would be for cheese) and poultry (chickens - I love chickens). Alas, this is not my life at this point in my history. So we make do.
Our current menagerie is one bird, one hamster, one dog (Syrah the Mighty), three rabbits, and two guinea pigs. I have to admit that my routine with them in the morning has become one of the highlights of my day.
I have a circuit. Start with the guinea pigs (they are new to us, but our previous guinea pig was the same): carrot, check food, hay. For these little guys I like to pick them up and hold them a minute to get them used to us. Then on to Bella, the first rabbit, who already has her head stuck out of the cage. Food, Cheerios, hay and the occasional carrot for her - although what she really wants is the attention, so we spend a few minutes getting pets. Then to the hamster, who is gnawing at the bars of her cage. She likes Cheerios one at a time: pulling them out of my fingers, she gnaws them down delicately and stuffs them in her cheek. Check on the bird, usually who just needs a little bird seed and water. Bella wants another pet, so spend a few minutes petting her again.
Then to the other rabbits, Midnight and Snowball. Snowball starts running around in his cage as soon as he sees me; he wants out. I let him out and he immediately starts hopping around me, wanting to climb up on my leg. Midnight is more sedate: she wants her carrot. I offer it to her and she immediately pulls in from my hand and starts eating. Often I will hold it in my hand to prevent it from falling through the cage; she eats, an act of trust with my hand a few inches from her throat. Snowball is still hopping around for attention. I load up their food as well - food, hay, Cheerios, and another carrot for Snowball - then pick him up. He is happy for the attention, gratefully sitting in my arms with his eyes closed. Sometimes he will look up and me and sniff my nose, his whiskers and breath tickling my face. Midnight will also occasionally come over as well and want pets as well so I sit crouched down and balanced, a white rabbit in my lap and a black rabbit at eye level who is grateful and licks either my hand or the edge of the cage, whatever is convenient (little known fact: rabbits lick as a sign of affection).
The dog, of course, is always happy (black labs are). She knows when to ignore me and when to follow me around in hopes of a small snack - and she certainly knows when it is time for a walk!
I like animals - in fact, I seem to like them a great deal more than people. They are peaceful. They go about their lives. They have small mannerisms and gestures I have come to know. And each, in their own way, knows how to show affection. They fill my life in a way no people seem to be able to.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Overwhelmed and Gritting
Yesterday as I drove into work I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of work that I knew was waiting for me as I exited the car. Nor was I to be disappointed as I actually walked in the door: 96 e-mails; 1 major audit; and people running me down as I went from place to place asking if I had a moment or two to discuss something with them. By the time the end of the day had come around I was completely drained, driving home almost in a stupor.
The more I seem to try to the more I seem to be completely overwhelmed by everything that has to be done.
For one brief moment I played with the idea of extending my hours just a bit in order to complete some stuff. That is fine of course, except it violates two of my fundamental rules. The first is that if companies regularly depend on employees to work overtime to complete regular tasks they have not appropriately resourced. The second is that working that much is seldom if ever is recognized and really does not result in any actual improvement.
I really wish I knew what to do. Gritting my teeth and carrying on seems to result in precisely nothing except more gritting of my teeth. Yet I cannot seem to think myself outside of this career box that I am in - every time I think of another industry or even another career the answers return "Oh, that will take too much time" or "You cannot really consider doing something else at this point" or some such thought of this nature.
Interestingly I have been down this road before. I know the sense of being overwhelmed by work and feeling like the meetings and due items are overwhelming my ability to perform them or even live a life I am happy with. It seems that every time this happens, something suddenly turns and I am on to something else.
So maybe that is the lesson to take from this: if I am feeling this way and these things have happened in the past, they are likely to happen again in the future. Maybe we really are reaching a turning point.
And maybe at some point that gritting of teeth will turn into a smile.
The more I seem to try to the more I seem to be completely overwhelmed by everything that has to be done.
For one brief moment I played with the idea of extending my hours just a bit in order to complete some stuff. That is fine of course, except it violates two of my fundamental rules. The first is that if companies regularly depend on employees to work overtime to complete regular tasks they have not appropriately resourced. The second is that working that much is seldom if ever is recognized and really does not result in any actual improvement.
I really wish I knew what to do. Gritting my teeth and carrying on seems to result in precisely nothing except more gritting of my teeth. Yet I cannot seem to think myself outside of this career box that I am in - every time I think of another industry or even another career the answers return "Oh, that will take too much time" or "You cannot really consider doing something else at this point" or some such thought of this nature.
Interestingly I have been down this road before. I know the sense of being overwhelmed by work and feeling like the meetings and due items are overwhelming my ability to perform them or even live a life I am happy with. It seems that every time this happens, something suddenly turns and I am on to something else.
So maybe that is the lesson to take from this: if I am feeling this way and these things have happened in the past, they are likely to happen again in the future. Maybe we really are reaching a turning point.
And maybe at some point that gritting of teeth will turn into a smile.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Separation From The World?
"In weighing this question he (George Muller) was impressed with seven reasons or motives, which lead him to these tours....6. To promote separation from the world and deadness to it, and so to increase heavenly-mindedness in children of God; at the same time warning against fanatical extremes and extravagances, such as sinless perfection while in the flesh." A.T. Pierson, George Muller of Bristol: His Life of Prayer and Faith
I have been increasingly aware of the fact that I am seemingly becoming more enamored of the world and engaged in it rather than less.
If I look at my life in the intervening 10 years - and it has been quite a 10 years stretch - I find myself increasingly enmeshed in the things of the world rather than the things of God. Can I honestly say that my life increasingly a testimony to God, that I am growing in holiness and becoming dead to the things of the world? Or, as seems more apparent, am I becoming increasingly more a part of this world rather than less of this?
Are my entertainments and interests more of God or of the world? When I seek to spend time, is the first thought to improve myself or merely to entertain myself? Am I leading my family more towards God or less? Am I mistaken more for a follower of Christ or just another person that is working their way through the world, a sort of fellow traveler?
What I do not seek in any of this is that uncomfortable disapproving holiness that makes people self-conscious and too often is an impediment to the Gospel. What I am seeking is fruit of a believer in Christ, fruit which I should be seeing. Fruit which should be the outcome of a life of separating myself more from the world and worldly amusements rather than seeking them.
Am I willing to pay the cost? Am I willing to cut off those things which do not edify - perhaps not that they are intrinsically bad but rather that the prevent the better, the life of Christ in me? Or when Paul calls us to be in the world but not of, do I merely look at it, consider it another unattainable perfection, and simply carry on?
Ultimately how serious am I about Christ and His mission?
I have been increasingly aware of the fact that I am seemingly becoming more enamored of the world and engaged in it rather than less.
If I look at my life in the intervening 10 years - and it has been quite a 10 years stretch - I find myself increasingly enmeshed in the things of the world rather than the things of God. Can I honestly say that my life increasingly a testimony to God, that I am growing in holiness and becoming dead to the things of the world? Or, as seems more apparent, am I becoming increasingly more a part of this world rather than less of this?
Are my entertainments and interests more of God or of the world? When I seek to spend time, is the first thought to improve myself or merely to entertain myself? Am I leading my family more towards God or less? Am I mistaken more for a follower of Christ or just another person that is working their way through the world, a sort of fellow traveler?
What I do not seek in any of this is that uncomfortable disapproving holiness that makes people self-conscious and too often is an impediment to the Gospel. What I am seeking is fruit of a believer in Christ, fruit which I should be seeing. Fruit which should be the outcome of a life of separating myself more from the world and worldly amusements rather than seeking them.
Am I willing to pay the cost? Am I willing to cut off those things which do not edify - perhaps not that they are intrinsically bad but rather that the prevent the better, the life of Christ in me? Or when Paul calls us to be in the world but not of, do I merely look at it, consider it another unattainable perfection, and simply carry on?
Ultimately how serious am I about Christ and His mission?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Foregoing Facebook
So I'm thinking about taking a Facebook break.
I like Facebook. I have been able to meet and catch up with a number of wonderful people. I get to see pictures, I get to post pictures, I get to laugh and cry and support others - and get support.
But two things have come to my mind recently.
The first is that Facebook is becoming a crutch for me in the sense that if fills that need I have for approval. How many times do I check on my phone or at home a day to see if any one has responded to my comments or mentioned me in a post? Answer: A lot. A lot more than I should be.
The second is a lot more prosaic. I once again veered closely towards engaging in a politico/religious/ethical commentary. I have learned long ago that such things never truly go well. One never convinces another on Facebook of the rightness or wrongness of a position. All one does is create arguments, raise one's blood pressure, and alienate others.
And so, a foregoing. Perhaps not a total foregoing - I find that people have been uplifted by my posting of inspirational quotes. And certainly the picture function is useful for family and friends who are not here. But beyond that, time to take a break. Make my entries and leave.
It is a little crazy to me that I am having the conversation with myself at all. 5 years ago I had barely heard of Facebook - now, I find myself having to tear myself away from it.
But it is so much about me and my - what do people think about my posting, my picture, my thoughts. Are they paying attention to me? At this time of the Christian calendar called Lent, is this not another way that we can somehow deny ourselves?
It seems - to pick up on yesterday's posting - that I have a problem. Time to deal with it now.
I like Facebook. I have been able to meet and catch up with a number of wonderful people. I get to see pictures, I get to post pictures, I get to laugh and cry and support others - and get support.
But two things have come to my mind recently.
The first is that Facebook is becoming a crutch for me in the sense that if fills that need I have for approval. How many times do I check on my phone or at home a day to see if any one has responded to my comments or mentioned me in a post? Answer: A lot. A lot more than I should be.
The second is a lot more prosaic. I once again veered closely towards engaging in a politico/religious/ethical commentary. I have learned long ago that such things never truly go well. One never convinces another on Facebook of the rightness or wrongness of a position. All one does is create arguments, raise one's blood pressure, and alienate others.
And so, a foregoing. Perhaps not a total foregoing - I find that people have been uplifted by my posting of inspirational quotes. And certainly the picture function is useful for family and friends who are not here. But beyond that, time to take a break. Make my entries and leave.
It is a little crazy to me that I am having the conversation with myself at all. 5 years ago I had barely heard of Facebook - now, I find myself having to tear myself away from it.
But it is so much about me and my - what do people think about my posting, my picture, my thoughts. Are they paying attention to me? At this time of the Christian calendar called Lent, is this not another way that we can somehow deny ourselves?
It seems - to pick up on yesterday's posting - that I have a problem. Time to deal with it now.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Resolving Problems
I do not like to deal with problems..
Oh, I know we have discussed aspects of this before. How I like to keep my options open. How I like to think that I have multiple choices and do not want to fence myself in with any one. But this week - literally yesterday - I came to another conclusion: I do not like to resolve my problems.
I do not. I would rather let things ride, hoping that they will work themselves out. In fact, I will go to great lengths to avoid having do to something in the expectation that events will work themselves out.
This is occasionally true, of course. Sometimes things get better. Sometimes the rattle goes away or the calcium deposits dislodge themselves from the water valve or the cut heals.
Sometimes. But not often enough.
The reality is that most of the times problems do not work themselves. They simply become worse. Because nature of problems is that they expand, not contract. Why? Because typically they represent an aberration in the functionality of a system or process which have been caused by factors that are resulting in the problem. Without eliminating the factors that caused the problem the condition will only worsen, not get better.
So why do I refuse to deal with such things? Why do I turn my face away, hoping in hope - often the most vain of any exercises - that something will get better?
Because (if I think about it) dealing with a problem actual has costs and consequences. It can mean time. It can mean money. It can most certainly mean that you were wrong about the way you were addressing the situation and that you need to change. Most importantly, it means that you are actually taking responsibility for the problem, that you will become the point person for resolving the issue. It is far easier to merely sit back and hope that the situation resolves itself - or hope that someone else will see the issue and try to resolve it themselves.
But no more.
My problems - all of them - are not going away by me hoping that they will. They will only get resolved by making a decision and taking action - indeed, taking responsibility - towards their resolution. In some real sense, it means growing up and realizing that you are the one that has to resolve them, not somebody else.
Problems happen. But resolutions will not necessarily do so - unless I make it so.
Oh, I know we have discussed aspects of this before. How I like to keep my options open. How I like to think that I have multiple choices and do not want to fence myself in with any one. But this week - literally yesterday - I came to another conclusion: I do not like to resolve my problems.
I do not. I would rather let things ride, hoping that they will work themselves out. In fact, I will go to great lengths to avoid having do to something in the expectation that events will work themselves out.
This is occasionally true, of course. Sometimes things get better. Sometimes the rattle goes away or the calcium deposits dislodge themselves from the water valve or the cut heals.
Sometimes. But not often enough.
The reality is that most of the times problems do not work themselves. They simply become worse. Because nature of problems is that they expand, not contract. Why? Because typically they represent an aberration in the functionality of a system or process which have been caused by factors that are resulting in the problem. Without eliminating the factors that caused the problem the condition will only worsen, not get better.
So why do I refuse to deal with such things? Why do I turn my face away, hoping in hope - often the most vain of any exercises - that something will get better?
Because (if I think about it) dealing with a problem actual has costs and consequences. It can mean time. It can mean money. It can most certainly mean that you were wrong about the way you were addressing the situation and that you need to change. Most importantly, it means that you are actually taking responsibility for the problem, that you will become the point person for resolving the issue. It is far easier to merely sit back and hope that the situation resolves itself - or hope that someone else will see the issue and try to resolve it themselves.
But no more.
My problems - all of them - are not going away by me hoping that they will. They will only get resolved by making a decision and taking action - indeed, taking responsibility - towards their resolution. In some real sense, it means growing up and realizing that you are the one that has to resolve them, not somebody else.
Problems happen. But resolutions will not necessarily do so - unless I make it so.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Weight of Sin
Most of the time we are very comfortable with our sin.
Sin becomes something that we come accept as do the weight of clothing on our bodies, a thing that we wear every day and so it no longer becomes something remarkable. Certainly there are times when it may wear a little uncomfortably, as with a shirt that has something which is scratching us, but we either cut out the offending item or just adjust it to a different location. In fact, we become so comfortable with it that sometimes we even seem to forget that it exists.
Oh we know that it does. Sometimes we do something or see something and realize "Hey, this is a sin" - but most of the time we find a way to shift it around until it no longer bothers us or merely accept it as part of our human condition, say a short prayer for forgiveness, and carry on.
But occasionally we are brought face to face with it.
This usually happens when there are consequences to an event which we had not anticipated or not foreseen - the real outcome of the actions of course, but something which we never believed would happen. Suddenly the rawness and evil of sin is revealed to us in all of its horrible glory.
The worst part, of course, is that sin cannot be undone. The actions are complete, the outcomes now transparent to ourselves and anyone in the know. The thing we believed was a light weight to be flicked off suddenly becomes the stone we cannot move; the thing that we thought "everyone will understand" is demonstrated to be excuses of our own making for our weakness or inability to face reality.
It is then we realize that what we believed to be light or of little importance was only so because we thought it so in our minds.
Is there a remedy for this? Forgiveness exists, of course, but forgiveness does not eliminate the outcome of the actions that we have taken. Unlike clothing, merely removing it will not undo the consequences of it. We can work to make things better - fill the gaps of our lives, seek to reveal and strengthen the weaknesses we have found, ask for even more grace - but perhaps the greatest thing we can do is simply this: recall the feeling that we had the moment that the sin went from something we thought was weightless to something that found had the weight of a thousand suns, and resolve to never go there again.
Sin becomes something that we come accept as do the weight of clothing on our bodies, a thing that we wear every day and so it no longer becomes something remarkable. Certainly there are times when it may wear a little uncomfortably, as with a shirt that has something which is scratching us, but we either cut out the offending item or just adjust it to a different location. In fact, we become so comfortable with it that sometimes we even seem to forget that it exists.
Oh we know that it does. Sometimes we do something or see something and realize "Hey, this is a sin" - but most of the time we find a way to shift it around until it no longer bothers us or merely accept it as part of our human condition, say a short prayer for forgiveness, and carry on.
But occasionally we are brought face to face with it.
This usually happens when there are consequences to an event which we had not anticipated or not foreseen - the real outcome of the actions of course, but something which we never believed would happen. Suddenly the rawness and evil of sin is revealed to us in all of its horrible glory.
The worst part, of course, is that sin cannot be undone. The actions are complete, the outcomes now transparent to ourselves and anyone in the know. The thing we believed was a light weight to be flicked off suddenly becomes the stone we cannot move; the thing that we thought "everyone will understand" is demonstrated to be excuses of our own making for our weakness or inability to face reality.
It is then we realize that what we believed to be light or of little importance was only so because we thought it so in our minds.
Is there a remedy for this? Forgiveness exists, of course, but forgiveness does not eliminate the outcome of the actions that we have taken. Unlike clothing, merely removing it will not undo the consequences of it. We can work to make things better - fill the gaps of our lives, seek to reveal and strengthen the weaknesses we have found, ask for even more grace - but perhaps the greatest thing we can do is simply this: recall the feeling that we had the moment that the sin went from something we thought was weightless to something that found had the weight of a thousand suns, and resolve to never go there again.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Powerful?
I was out throwing sheaf with The Viking last night.
Monday nights are for heavy sheaf, whereby one takes a fork (a modified pitchfork with either two or three tines), inserts it into a 20 lb burlap bag of twine (mimicking a bag of grain) and tosses it for height. In our class we use 16 lb bags in competition; 20 lb bags are for practice with the heavier bag to get our form right.
Coming from nothing and working with a great sheaf thrower (who has world class in him to my belief) he has helped me make incredible process. He has helped me correct my form, fixed my grip and worked on my timing.
But my sheaves still do not fly.
Oh sure, they can get 14 or 15 feet, but that is it. Hardly the sort of thing I will need to be a better competitor.
Night after night we try. Night after night I fly to the height I fly to. He has even commented that my 20 lb bag flies as high as my 16 lb bag.. Night after night we toss. Night after night it flies low.
Last night, watching me after I had done something to my timing, he said "I know you are powerful than you think you are. I have to find a way to drag it out of you."
That thought triggered a cascade of words and feelings as I let them roll over in my mind.
I do not typically think of myself as powerful. I think of myself as, well, me. Sort of in the background. Competent in a sort of general way, but certainly not to the level of the A class of any activity or sport.
But how much of that is self limiting. How much of that is as much the fact that I do not believe it, that I may hold myself back (consciously or unconsciously) as it is the fact that I do not have the ability? How much of it is me seeing the problem or opportunity, thinking that " I cannot", and then just turning aside to the lesser course?
I believe that within me are abilities and energies of a far greater capacity than what I can drag out and use on a daily basis. I know that they are there. I know that, somewhere down deep inside of me, I am powerful, even though it often feels like the world and those around me do not see it - or do not believe it is possible.
The question is how do I get this power out?
Monday nights are for heavy sheaf, whereby one takes a fork (a modified pitchfork with either two or three tines), inserts it into a 20 lb burlap bag of twine (mimicking a bag of grain) and tosses it for height. In our class we use 16 lb bags in competition; 20 lb bags are for practice with the heavier bag to get our form right.
Coming from nothing and working with a great sheaf thrower (who has world class in him to my belief) he has helped me make incredible process. He has helped me correct my form, fixed my grip and worked on my timing.
But my sheaves still do not fly.
Oh sure, they can get 14 or 15 feet, but that is it. Hardly the sort of thing I will need to be a better competitor.
Night after night we try. Night after night I fly to the height I fly to. He has even commented that my 20 lb bag flies as high as my 16 lb bag.. Night after night we toss. Night after night it flies low.
Last night, watching me after I had done something to my timing, he said "I know you are powerful than you think you are. I have to find a way to drag it out of you."
That thought triggered a cascade of words and feelings as I let them roll over in my mind.
I do not typically think of myself as powerful. I think of myself as, well, me. Sort of in the background. Competent in a sort of general way, but certainly not to the level of the A class of any activity or sport.
But how much of that is self limiting. How much of that is as much the fact that I do not believe it, that I may hold myself back (consciously or unconsciously) as it is the fact that I do not have the ability? How much of it is me seeing the problem or opportunity, thinking that " I cannot", and then just turning aside to the lesser course?
I believe that within me are abilities and energies of a far greater capacity than what I can drag out and use on a daily basis. I know that they are there. I know that, somewhere down deep inside of me, I am powerful, even though it often feels like the world and those around me do not see it - or do not believe it is possible.
The question is how do I get this power out?
Monday, March 17, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Moving Slow
Moving slow this week.
This is the Spring Break in our neck of the woods (The Holiday formerly known as Easter Break), where na Clann have the week off. One of the unlooked for benefits of such a week is that my commute is drastically reduced as apparently over half of the people commuting in New Home are not trying to get to work this week.
The practical outcome of all of this? My mornings have been getting later. I write this to you know have rising less than an hour ago instead of the typical two hours that I would already have been up before writing this.
It means I am not getting as much done in the mornings as I typically would like; for example, my reading and other writing input has really taken a productivity plunge this week. And I do not know that my postings have been up to the usual "standards" I have (whatever those actually are).
Still, it has been kind of nice this week to not have the usual rush of "I need to get out the door" immediately followed by "I am sitting in traffic moving nowhere" feeling. There is a certain relaxed sense to the morning which exists even though I still know that work is waiting at the end of my drive.
One can only dream of what such a morning would be like - every morning.
This is the Spring Break in our neck of the woods (The Holiday formerly known as Easter Break), where na Clann have the week off. One of the unlooked for benefits of such a week is that my commute is drastically reduced as apparently over half of the people commuting in New Home are not trying to get to work this week.
The practical outcome of all of this? My mornings have been getting later. I write this to you know have rising less than an hour ago instead of the typical two hours that I would already have been up before writing this.
It means I am not getting as much done in the mornings as I typically would like; for example, my reading and other writing input has really taken a productivity plunge this week. And I do not know that my postings have been up to the usual "standards" I have (whatever those actually are).
Still, it has been kind of nice this week to not have the usual rush of "I need to get out the door" immediately followed by "I am sitting in traffic moving nowhere" feeling. There is a certain relaxed sense to the morning which exists even though I still know that work is waiting at the end of my drive.
One can only dream of what such a morning would be like - every morning.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Cold Front
Cold fronts in New Home are something I had never experienced heretofore.
In Old Home, cold fronts were not so much events as they were seasonal. Everyone knew that around the end of October it slowly grew colder until it was Winter. Cold fronts were pretty much simply there - at least it felt cold - until March or so when Spring returned.
Here it is a completely different experience.
Cold fronts come blowing in from the North as if driving by a supernatural fury. The wind begins blowing until it is raging through the trees, around houses, and through every crack in a fence or gate it can find. And the wind does not seem to let up: it just blows and blows as it brings the cold air rushing through and around.
Even as I write this morning the cold front - it was 80 F yesterday! - continues to blow as it has since I went to bed last night, almost 7 hours of constant wind moving past the windows and past the house. It makes for a miserable night's sleep of course and woe betide you if you have failed to fully close a gate the night before; it creaks and shakes until, grumbling, someone gets up at 0300 to close it.
Interestingly enough the warm fronts do not arrive with the same sense of zest and power: things simply begin warming up until all of a sudden it is hot. It is only the cold fronts that spit their power and rage in the form of wind for hours on end.
I wonder - in my more lonely moments - what such fronts would have seemed like in the 1800's when there was no electricity and few cities, just small isolated settlements or little towns with the wind howling in the trees and the darkness. It would, I imagine, make for long nights and a great deal of introspection.
I will get up from there and prepare for the drive to work this morning, watching and listening to the wind sing outside my car with songs of the frozen north and mountains I cannot see from here and snow laden plains. I will listen, and I will be glad.
In Old Home, cold fronts were not so much events as they were seasonal. Everyone knew that around the end of October it slowly grew colder until it was Winter. Cold fronts were pretty much simply there - at least it felt cold - until March or so when Spring returned.
Here it is a completely different experience.
Cold fronts come blowing in from the North as if driving by a supernatural fury. The wind begins blowing until it is raging through the trees, around houses, and through every crack in a fence or gate it can find. And the wind does not seem to let up: it just blows and blows as it brings the cold air rushing through and around.
Even as I write this morning the cold front - it was 80 F yesterday! - continues to blow as it has since I went to bed last night, almost 7 hours of constant wind moving past the windows and past the house. It makes for a miserable night's sleep of course and woe betide you if you have failed to fully close a gate the night before; it creaks and shakes until, grumbling, someone gets up at 0300 to close it.
Interestingly enough the warm fronts do not arrive with the same sense of zest and power: things simply begin warming up until all of a sudden it is hot. It is only the cold fronts that spit their power and rage in the form of wind for hours on end.
I wonder - in my more lonely moments - what such fronts would have seemed like in the 1800's when there was no electricity and few cities, just small isolated settlements or little towns with the wind howling in the trees and the darkness. It would, I imagine, make for long nights and a great deal of introspection.
I will get up from there and prepare for the drive to work this morning, watching and listening to the wind sing outside my car with songs of the frozen north and mountains I cannot see from here and snow laden plains. I will listen, and I will be glad.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Cowardly and Cold
We are too often a people too cowardly and too cold.
We cry out for change but we consistently remain the same.
We want bravery and honor in the world but reward cowardice and dishonor.
We say our ideals are more important than any money we can earn and then happily sell our ideals out for money.
We desire understanding but never take the opportunity to understand.
We say we believe in equality and discussion and representation but exercise raw power to enforce our will in our way.
We desire others to look out for interests but seek the interests of ourselves above others.
We wish for love but pursue our lusts.
We are nothing that we claim that we wish to be, yet are shocked that things do not turn out as we believe that we should.
We believe that we are destined for great things, yet will not recognize that that which we choose not to do is what will move us towards those great things.
We cry out for change but we consistently remain the same.
We want bravery and honor in the world but reward cowardice and dishonor.
We say our ideals are more important than any money we can earn and then happily sell our ideals out for money.
We desire understanding but never take the opportunity to understand.
We say we believe in equality and discussion and representation but exercise raw power to enforce our will in our way.
We desire others to look out for interests but seek the interests of ourselves above others.
We wish for love but pursue our lusts.
We are nothing that we claim that we wish to be, yet are shocked that things do not turn out as we believe that we should.
We believe that we are destined for great things, yet will not recognize that that which we choose not to do is what will move us towards those great things.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Appalled
As you probably know, I typically do not comment on politics on this blog. This was a decision I made almost as soon as I started writing regularly as I found that politics tended to fog people's ability to actual discuss and listen to certain issues. (I found other outlets to put those comments into). As a result, for at least seven years the fate of political world has gone virtually unnoticed if you just scanned the contents of what I write about.
That is not about to change with this post either; instead, I want to comment on the reactions to a particular political situation and the impact I have seen in the social media.
The situation: The ongoing soft invasion (I do not see how you can define it any other way) of Ukraine. The Social Media: Facebook.
I admit that am an international relations junkie - so much so that sometimes I find it difficult to disengage my regular life to not follow events. And I admit that I am perhaps more conscious of such things that the bulk of many people I know. But it is with a great deal of sadness and shame I conclude that we as a group have become almost completely narcissistic and perhaps useless.
Facebook, as you may know, trends things. They have also "helpfully" put little news blurbs on the main page now. The listings? Social updates: Bieber meets Selena in Starbucks, death of such and such, someone wins an Oscar. Not once since the situation started in the Ukraine would anyone have an idea that something was going on somewhere else in the world.
And the postings? From an otherwise highly interactive and vocal group about this group's rights or that party's failings, nothing. It's as if the whole situation never happened.
It depresses me deeply.
Why? Because it is indicative of a malaise that runs through the body social and the body politic. We have become so trivialized and so focused on us and our little part of the world and what we believe should be going on that we have lost the ability to look at the larger world around us and realize changes there affect us as well. Oh, many people will argue that we need to be globally active for something like climate change, but we miss the fact that political systems and regimes can have as much impact on our here and now as anything climate based.
Not one person I know has posted anything. Not one person I know has posted anything indicating solidarity with the Ukrainian republic, the same group that will fall over themselves to post graphics for their own chosen political or social cause.
It saddens me. It depresses me. I admit that I am an anachronism, someone that holds that people should living under governments they themselves choose and should be free from inconveniences such as the fear of invasion or economic blackmail.
I admit I am an anachronism. I am just a little shocked that I should find myself to be so alone in my beliefs.
Friday, March 07, 2014
10 Years Ago
10 years ago I was at the Shepherd's Conference in Southern California.
10 years ago I had just quit my job and was going into business myself at The Firm and was never, ever going back to my last industry.
10 years ago I had decided that we would be moving to a different house.
10 years ago I only had two clann.
10 years ago I lived in Old Home and had no intention of leaving (ever).
10 years ago I was sure I understand God's plan for my life.
BUT...
10 years ago I did not have Nighean Dhonn.
10 years ago I did not throw cabers or stones.
10 years ago I did not practice iaijutsu.
10 years ago I had not written a book (or even a blog post!).
10 years ago I did not know half of the people I know now and my life was not the richer for it.
10 years ago I did not have a dog, rabbits, a guinea pig, a hamster, and a bird.
10 years ago I had not been married to The Ravishing Mrs. TB for 10 more years.
10 years ago I did not realize that I could do almost anything that I put my mind to.
It is funny the difference 10 years can make.
10 years ago I had just quit my job and was going into business myself at The Firm and was never, ever going back to my last industry.
10 years ago I had decided that we would be moving to a different house.
10 years ago I only had two clann.
10 years ago I lived in Old Home and had no intention of leaving (ever).
10 years ago I was sure I understand God's plan for my life.
BUT...
10 years ago I did not have Nighean Dhonn.
10 years ago I did not throw cabers or stones.
10 years ago I did not practice iaijutsu.
10 years ago I had not written a book (or even a blog post!).
10 years ago I did not know half of the people I know now and my life was not the richer for it.
10 years ago I did not have a dog, rabbits, a guinea pig, a hamster, and a bird.
10 years ago I had not been married to The Ravishing Mrs. TB for 10 more years.
10 years ago I did not realize that I could do almost anything that I put my mind to.
It is funny the difference 10 years can make.
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Lent 2014
Another season of Lent is upon us.
The workings of Lent are always a mystery to me. I feel as if I should be getting more out the experience than I ever do. Sure, I give up something and take in something else and perhaps add a little bit of extra Scripture and prayer to my daily rounds, but it scarcely feels like something which is impacting my life as radically as I think that it should be.
I know that there are those - especially among the evangelical community - that consider Lent in particular, and the concept of a church calendar in general, as something that is constructed by man instead of inspired by God and therefore a hindrance. I personally disagree with this: we have a normal calendar that follows the seasons of the year. It should be no different for our religious life as well.
And Lent is a good thing. A time of subduing, of consideration of our sin, of denial of pleasures and luxuries is something that the church often claims we need to do more of. Lent, that commemoration of the great denial of Christ in the desert 40 days without food or water, gives many a vehicle to do that in a way that is regular, planned, and helpful.
But that still does not help me with the fact that I do not get everything out of it I should.
Should I deny myself more? Should I seek longer hours in prayer and more time in Scripture? Certainly none of things are bad in and of themselves, but do they really get to essence of what Lent should be? Or do this just (as seems likely) add another set of traditions and works where they do no good?
If Lent is about repentance and meditation on our sin and unworthiness and Christ's great suffering, what can I do that actually makes this more meaningful? The answer, at least for me, is as staggeringly simple as it is difficult: be more like Christ.
Be more like Christ. Seek to root out the sin in my heart. Look at the Beatitudes and truly ask "Is this my desire?" Look around me and say "Am I loving my neighbor as myself?"
Am I denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Christ?
Because here, it seems to me, is the unusual part: If I would simply do this, I would find that focus is truly on Christ and becoming less of a sinner and more like Him.
And that, really, is the point of Lent in the first place.
The workings of Lent are always a mystery to me. I feel as if I should be getting more out the experience than I ever do. Sure, I give up something and take in something else and perhaps add a little bit of extra Scripture and prayer to my daily rounds, but it scarcely feels like something which is impacting my life as radically as I think that it should be.
I know that there are those - especially among the evangelical community - that consider Lent in particular, and the concept of a church calendar in general, as something that is constructed by man instead of inspired by God and therefore a hindrance. I personally disagree with this: we have a normal calendar that follows the seasons of the year. It should be no different for our religious life as well.
And Lent is a good thing. A time of subduing, of consideration of our sin, of denial of pleasures and luxuries is something that the church often claims we need to do more of. Lent, that commemoration of the great denial of Christ in the desert 40 days without food or water, gives many a vehicle to do that in a way that is regular, planned, and helpful.
But that still does not help me with the fact that I do not get everything out of it I should.
Should I deny myself more? Should I seek longer hours in prayer and more time in Scripture? Certainly none of things are bad in and of themselves, but do they really get to essence of what Lent should be? Or do this just (as seems likely) add another set of traditions and works where they do no good?
If Lent is about repentance and meditation on our sin and unworthiness and Christ's great suffering, what can I do that actually makes this more meaningful? The answer, at least for me, is as staggeringly simple as it is difficult: be more like Christ.
Be more like Christ. Seek to root out the sin in my heart. Look at the Beatitudes and truly ask "Is this my desire?" Look around me and say "Am I loving my neighbor as myself?"
Am I denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Christ?
Because here, it seems to me, is the unusual part: If I would simply do this, I would find that focus is truly on Christ and becoming less of a sinner and more like Him.
And that, really, is the point of Lent in the first place.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Not Feeling It
Not feeling it today.
We had the potential of a "wintry mix", which could mean that the roads would be iced over. Na Clann's schools are all delayed two hours. And so, hoping against hope, I looked at the computer and phone. Nothing. Work is on as usual.
I feel completely demotivated.
It is like I am in school again, hoping against hope that something intervenes to keep me from going to work today. Because I really do not want to go.
I have to, of course - meetings are scheduled, deadlines exist, and of course there is that minor thing about salary that needs to be dealt with - in other words, the realities of life do not yield to my minor kvetching about things.
But there is something here, something that I need to latch on to. Something that my brain is trying to tell me - or maybe heart. Because this feeling is becoming more and more common as I rise up in the morning, knowing that on the other side of the door lies a day which has come to be like almost every other day.
Ah well. Delay or no delay, the phone calls and documents await.
Sigh
We had the potential of a "wintry mix", which could mean that the roads would be iced over. Na Clann's schools are all delayed two hours. And so, hoping against hope, I looked at the computer and phone. Nothing. Work is on as usual.
I feel completely demotivated.
It is like I am in school again, hoping against hope that something intervenes to keep me from going to work today. Because I really do not want to go.
I have to, of course - meetings are scheduled, deadlines exist, and of course there is that minor thing about salary that needs to be dealt with - in other words, the realities of life do not yield to my minor kvetching about things.
But there is something here, something that I need to latch on to. Something that my brain is trying to tell me - or maybe heart. Because this feeling is becoming more and more common as I rise up in the morning, knowing that on the other side of the door lies a day which has come to be like almost every other day.
Ah well. Delay or no delay, the phone calls and documents await.
Sigh
Monday, March 03, 2014
Job Search 2014
So I am in the market. This is about as public a declaration I make about such things.
The fact that I state this is not really the point however. The point - really more of a tip - is how I am going about it.
The idea actually originated in a discussion with Bogha Frois as we were talking about different ways to job search and how it never really felt like one was making any progress. We always found ourselves nagged by a sense of guilt that somehow we were not "doing enough", even if we could not find anything at all when we looked.
"Why do we not schedule it?" I suggested.
The core of my idea is this: there are only a finite number of jobs in any one industry and those are only ever listed in certain amounts - for example, in my industry most jobs tend to get published on Sundays (probably true for a lot of jobs). There is not really any point in looking every day for the one or two that will get published in that time; instead, better to conserve one's efforts.
But the world is changing as well. Depending on the state of the industry (and mine is a little shaky, to be honest), one should be expanding into other areas as well. And what about those independent areas, those part time interests or hobbies that we would like to see pay for themselves rather than cost us money? Where do those fit in?
And so I came up with the idea of the schedule, a fixed time where I would look or support different areas. Mine currently looks something like this:
Sunday: Current Industry
Monday: Other Industries
Tuesday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
Wednesday: Other Industries
Thursday: Current Industry
Friday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
Saturday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
I have left my hobbies/self developed business to coincide with both my Iaijutsu on Tuesday nights (learning to someday possibly, maybe teach), Fridays (when my energy tends to be lowest and thus doing something interesting to me is helpful) and Saturdays (when I can carve out several hours of free time).
What will I do? For my current industry it is pretty easy: search the appropriate sites. This will perhaps take an hour on Sunday, much less on Thursday. Other industries are more difficult initially as I have to put together a revised resume and start seeing what is out there. Hobbies/Self Developed Business is the true undiscovered country at this point - when I understand it, I will let you know.
The thing I like about this is that it is a schedule. Every day I am taking action. I can now never allow myself to point at myself and say "I did not do a job search today. I did not not do enough." Did I do what I was supposed to do that day? If so, I can happily tell myself to shut up. I am making progress.
I cannot rely on simple events or the help of those above or around me to make my current situation better - as I have to remind myself almost daily, No One Is Coming. If there is to be change in my life, I will have to go to it - and go after it with regular, practiced action. It will not come to me.
The fact that I state this is not really the point however. The point - really more of a tip - is how I am going about it.
The idea actually originated in a discussion with Bogha Frois as we were talking about different ways to job search and how it never really felt like one was making any progress. We always found ourselves nagged by a sense of guilt that somehow we were not "doing enough", even if we could not find anything at all when we looked.
"Why do we not schedule it?" I suggested.
The core of my idea is this: there are only a finite number of jobs in any one industry and those are only ever listed in certain amounts - for example, in my industry most jobs tend to get published on Sundays (probably true for a lot of jobs). There is not really any point in looking every day for the one or two that will get published in that time; instead, better to conserve one's efforts.
But the world is changing as well. Depending on the state of the industry (and mine is a little shaky, to be honest), one should be expanding into other areas as well. And what about those independent areas, those part time interests or hobbies that we would like to see pay for themselves rather than cost us money? Where do those fit in?
And so I came up with the idea of the schedule, a fixed time where I would look or support different areas. Mine currently looks something like this:
Sunday: Current Industry
Monday: Other Industries
Tuesday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
Wednesday: Other Industries
Thursday: Current Industry
Friday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
Saturday: Hobbies/Self Developed Business
I have left my hobbies/self developed business to coincide with both my Iaijutsu on Tuesday nights (learning to someday possibly, maybe teach), Fridays (when my energy tends to be lowest and thus doing something interesting to me is helpful) and Saturdays (when I can carve out several hours of free time).
What will I do? For my current industry it is pretty easy: search the appropriate sites. This will perhaps take an hour on Sunday, much less on Thursday. Other industries are more difficult initially as I have to put together a revised resume and start seeing what is out there. Hobbies/Self Developed Business is the true undiscovered country at this point - when I understand it, I will let you know.
The thing I like about this is that it is a schedule. Every day I am taking action. I can now never allow myself to point at myself and say "I did not do a job search today. I did not not do enough." Did I do what I was supposed to do that day? If so, I can happily tell myself to shut up. I am making progress.
I cannot rely on simple events or the help of those above or around me to make my current situation better - as I have to remind myself almost daily, No One Is Coming. If there is to be change in my life, I will have to go to it - and go after it with regular, practiced action. It will not come to me.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Send In The Clowns
Isn't it rich? Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air
Where are the clowns?
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air
Where are the clowns?
Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around, one who can't move
Where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns
One who keeps tearing around, one who can't move
Where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns
Just when I'd stopped opening doors
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines, no one is there
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines, no one is there
Don't you love farce? My fault, I fear
I thought that you'd want what I want, sorry, my dear
But where are the clowns, send in the clowns
Don't bother, they're here
I thought that you'd want what I want, sorry, my dear
But where are the clowns, send in the clowns
Don't bother, they're here
Isn't it rich? Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career
But where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns
Well, maybe next year
Losing my timing this late in my career
But where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns
Well, maybe next year
- Stephen Sondheim
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Commandments of God and The Reality of Work II
So my meditations yesterday morning did little to improve the day for me.
I showed up with a sincere attitude of wanting to try to be better. More productive. Have a better attitude. What I got when I arrived was a reminder of the fact that I am a small cog in a larger machine. My roles, as I interpreted them, were answering of questions, reviewer of documents that will never see the light of day, and theoretical holder of opinions that are assumed.
It is hard to keep your spirits up in the face of such seeming irrelevance.
And yet there are the commands I listed yesterday: do not be man-pleasers or work for eye-service but do work willingly and heartily; be submissive; be well pleasing; show good fidelity; adorn the doctrine of God.
And so I tried to carry on. I tried to be cheerful and diligent as I reviewed page after page. I tried to work hard all day. I tried to keep an even keel when problems came to my attention.
And I left feeling utterly useless and forlorn.
Why? Because the reality is that even though I tried (or thought I tried) to adapt a better attitude the reality is that the work did not change at all. My place within the work did not change at all. And my interpretation by those around me did not change at all.
Did I feel the reward of God as I drove home yesterday, the reward that comes from being a good witness or carrying out His Will? I am afraid and ashamed to say no. I went home feeling empty and used, a vehicle for the devices and plans of others. There was no sunlight breaking through the clouds, no sense of the divine invading my space, merely the reality of the drive home as most of my other drives home have been.
But that, of course, does not change the commands. And so I will be at it again, trying my best to meet the commands that God has set out for those that work, in hopes that I have been missing something critical in my own attitude and that, with a little more prayer and practice, the commandments of God can become my reality of work.
I showed up with a sincere attitude of wanting to try to be better. More productive. Have a better attitude. What I got when I arrived was a reminder of the fact that I am a small cog in a larger machine. My roles, as I interpreted them, were answering of questions, reviewer of documents that will never see the light of day, and theoretical holder of opinions that are assumed.
It is hard to keep your spirits up in the face of such seeming irrelevance.
And yet there are the commands I listed yesterday: do not be man-pleasers or work for eye-service but do work willingly and heartily; be submissive; be well pleasing; show good fidelity; adorn the doctrine of God.
And so I tried to carry on. I tried to be cheerful and diligent as I reviewed page after page. I tried to work hard all day. I tried to keep an even keel when problems came to my attention.
And I left feeling utterly useless and forlorn.
Why? Because the reality is that even though I tried (or thought I tried) to adapt a better attitude the reality is that the work did not change at all. My place within the work did not change at all. And my interpretation by those around me did not change at all.
Did I feel the reward of God as I drove home yesterday, the reward that comes from being a good witness or carrying out His Will? I am afraid and ashamed to say no. I went home feeling empty and used, a vehicle for the devices and plans of others. There was no sunlight breaking through the clouds, no sense of the divine invading my space, merely the reality of the drive home as most of my other drives home have been.
But that, of course, does not change the commands. And so I will be at it again, trying my best to meet the commands that God has set out for those that work, in hopes that I have been missing something critical in my own attitude and that, with a little more prayer and practice, the commandments of God can become my reality of work.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The Commandments of God and The Reality of Work
I find myself conflicted in my handling of work.
I am caught. On the one hand I have the commandments of the Bible:
"Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eye service as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; you are serving the Lord Christ." - Colossians 3:22-24
"Bondservants, be obedient to those who are masters according to the flesh with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ, not with eyeservice as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, with goodwill doing service , as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free." - Ephesians 6: 5-9
"Exhort bondservants to be obedient to their own masters, to be well pleasing in all things, not answering back, not pilfering, but showing all good fidelity, that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in all things." - Titus: 2: 9-10
"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of conscience towards God one endures grief, suffering wrongly." - I Peter 2:18-19
On the other hand I have the practical experience of work, which too often these days seems to be that you should be able to do more and more with less and less, accept the fact that you are always going to be behind, and that any potential advancement will be tied less to your actual output and more to your ability to curry the favor of those above you. Not surprisingly, this breeds a certain amount of cynicism in how one approaches there job.
Here is the dilemma; If I truly follow what God commands, then I feel as if I am on the receiving end of whatever the employer can (and wants to) do to me. I have no ability or even right to look at my job and observe issues with it. Instead, I should simply put my trust in God that somehow everything will be rewarded. That is fine as an initial discussion of course; it is much more difficult when you find yourself years into a job or career with no seeming way out and no seeming way forward.
Is this the practical application of faith? Is this where the proverbial rubber meets the road? If so, let me say that I do not find that I like my own ox being gored. The thought of facing work on a daily basis is difficult enough; the thought of doing it with the attitudes and outlook that God calls for in the midst of any absence that it is going to work out well seems virtually impossible.
If I were to do this - if I were to completely abandon myself as God commands and not worry about the outcome - would there come a point where I could say "He kept His promises here as well"? Or is it the great leap of faith, clinging to his words even I find myself mentally and spiritually crushed between a load I cannot seem to bear?
This a practical living out of faith - and one I am finding incredibly difficult.
I am caught. On the one hand I have the commandments of the Bible:
"Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eye service as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; you are serving the Lord Christ." - Colossians 3:22-24
"Bondservants, be obedient to those who are masters according to the flesh with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ, not with eyeservice as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, with goodwill doing service , as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free." - Ephesians 6: 5-9
"Exhort bondservants to be obedient to their own masters, to be well pleasing in all things, not answering back, not pilfering, but showing all good fidelity, that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in all things." - Titus: 2: 9-10
"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of conscience towards God one endures grief, suffering wrongly." - I Peter 2:18-19
On the other hand I have the practical experience of work, which too often these days seems to be that you should be able to do more and more with less and less, accept the fact that you are always going to be behind, and that any potential advancement will be tied less to your actual output and more to your ability to curry the favor of those above you. Not surprisingly, this breeds a certain amount of cynicism in how one approaches there job.
Here is the dilemma; If I truly follow what God commands, then I feel as if I am on the receiving end of whatever the employer can (and wants to) do to me. I have no ability or even right to look at my job and observe issues with it. Instead, I should simply put my trust in God that somehow everything will be rewarded. That is fine as an initial discussion of course; it is much more difficult when you find yourself years into a job or career with no seeming way out and no seeming way forward.
Is this the practical application of faith? Is this where the proverbial rubber meets the road? If so, let me say that I do not find that I like my own ox being gored. The thought of facing work on a daily basis is difficult enough; the thought of doing it with the attitudes and outlook that God calls for in the midst of any absence that it is going to work out well seems virtually impossible.
If I were to do this - if I were to completely abandon myself as God commands and not worry about the outcome - would there come a point where I could say "He kept His promises here as well"? Or is it the great leap of faith, clinging to his words even I find myself mentally and spiritually crushed between a load I cannot seem to bear?
This a practical living out of faith - and one I am finding incredibly difficult.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Were That I Was A Stone
Were that I was a stone,
quiet and round,
hard and settled,
lying on the ground
or in a river,
simply being.
Were that I was a stone,
without a heart
or feelings,
merely existing in
the warm days
and cold nights.
Were that I was a stone,
and simply could accept
life as it comes,
instead of trying to make
life what I think it
should be.
quiet and round,
hard and settled,
lying on the ground
or in a river,
simply being.
Were that I was a stone,
without a heart
or feelings,
merely existing in
the warm days
and cold nights.
Were that I was a stone,
and simply could accept
life as it comes,
instead of trying to make
life what I think it
should be.
Monday, February 24, 2014
A Good Cut
There is something about a good cut.
You know it when you make it. It is the way that the bokuto or katana feels in your hand as it moves through the air, the angle of the blade which is perfectly aligned as it reaches its terminal point, the pull of your muscles as they align in precisely the right way. When it happens, it is a thing of remarkable beauty.
It does not seem to happen very often. For every good cut one goes through many bad cuts, cuts where you hack or chop at the air and the angle of blade is looking up or down (not where it should be) and your your arm finds itself aligned more with some other part of your body. These cuts one also knows as soon as they are executed - even as one holds the blade out or straight, the mental movie of how it got there continues to play through one's mind.
To watch a master is to watch a series of good cuts strung together. It is a thing of grace and exquisite beauty - Elegant, as our soke would say. It is to see everything flowing and moving in a single moment of alignment.
How does one get better cuts? The simple answer, of course, is to take more of them. Hundreds of them - nay, thousands. Draw, cut, align; block, cut, align; cut, cut, align. Movements back and forth across the imaginary plane of attackers and cutting, always seeking that one moment when everything clicks into place. Start, stop, start stop. Step back to the beginning position and start again.
Until...
Until the moment comes again, when everything aligns - or better, when a series of moments arrives where is cut is aligned and perfect, flowing gently in the next until one's movements become a dance of speed and grace with the blade marking time.
I have not reached this point where I can do it on demand and very well never will - but the moments when I have are so peaceful, so graceful, that I can only continue to try until I can.
You know it when you make it. It is the way that the bokuto or katana feels in your hand as it moves through the air, the angle of the blade which is perfectly aligned as it reaches its terminal point, the pull of your muscles as they align in precisely the right way. When it happens, it is a thing of remarkable beauty.
It does not seem to happen very often. For every good cut one goes through many bad cuts, cuts where you hack or chop at the air and the angle of blade is looking up or down (not where it should be) and your your arm finds itself aligned more with some other part of your body. These cuts one also knows as soon as they are executed - even as one holds the blade out or straight, the mental movie of how it got there continues to play through one's mind.
To watch a master is to watch a series of good cuts strung together. It is a thing of grace and exquisite beauty - Elegant, as our soke would say. It is to see everything flowing and moving in a single moment of alignment.
How does one get better cuts? The simple answer, of course, is to take more of them. Hundreds of them - nay, thousands. Draw, cut, align; block, cut, align; cut, cut, align. Movements back and forth across the imaginary plane of attackers and cutting, always seeking that one moment when everything clicks into place. Start, stop, start stop. Step back to the beginning position and start again.
Until...
Until the moment comes again, when everything aligns - or better, when a series of moments arrives where is cut is aligned and perfect, flowing gently in the next until one's movements become a dance of speed and grace with the blade marking time.
I have not reached this point where I can do it on demand and very well never will - but the moments when I have are so peaceful, so graceful, that I can only continue to try until I can.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Speed
I am not a terribly speedy person.
This has become more of an issue of late, both in my professional and personal life. In my professional life, there is some concern that I do not move projects forward quickly enough. In my personal life, I am finding that my activities such as Iaijutsu and Highland Athletics are hampered by it.
It was most clearly presented to me last night when my friend The Viking was working with me on my Sheaf tosses last night (the sheaf, for those who do not know, is a 16 to 20 lbs bag which is tossed for height by a fork). I can do the motion but my height suffers a great deal. He kept having do it again and again, watching me. Finally he said "You need to find a way to speed it up. Without speed you will never get height".
What is it about speed that I lack? I am the first to admit that I am not the sort of person that necessarily acts speedily. Part of that is simply in my nature: I am person who tends to move slowly rather than quickly. Another part is the fact that in some cases my lack of speed is a learned behavior from years of acting too quickly and suffering from bad decisions.
But there is a third part: am I simply reluctant to become speedy?
What is speed? Speed is explosion, it is acceleration, it is execution in a quick manner. It is knowing what you are doing to the point that you can concentrate less on the motions and more on acceleration.
And it is effort. It is pushing yourself beyond what you think are doing to what you think you are capable of doing.
So my speed may be less of an inability and more of a reluctance to push myself to a higher level.
The solution? Relatively easy. Make myself move faster. If there are physical impediments - lack of strength, for example - fix it. If there are mental impediments - I am unsure - master the material. If there is indecisiveness, learn to gather facts more quickly.
But above all, learn to get faster. Learn to be quicker. Learn to move things with the speed of force and let the effort of gravity - physical or mental - do the work.
This has become more of an issue of late, both in my professional and personal life. In my professional life, there is some concern that I do not move projects forward quickly enough. In my personal life, I am finding that my activities such as Iaijutsu and Highland Athletics are hampered by it.
It was most clearly presented to me last night when my friend The Viking was working with me on my Sheaf tosses last night (the sheaf, for those who do not know, is a 16 to 20 lbs bag which is tossed for height by a fork). I can do the motion but my height suffers a great deal. He kept having do it again and again, watching me. Finally he said "You need to find a way to speed it up. Without speed you will never get height".
What is it about speed that I lack? I am the first to admit that I am not the sort of person that necessarily acts speedily. Part of that is simply in my nature: I am person who tends to move slowly rather than quickly. Another part is the fact that in some cases my lack of speed is a learned behavior from years of acting too quickly and suffering from bad decisions.
But there is a third part: am I simply reluctant to become speedy?
What is speed? Speed is explosion, it is acceleration, it is execution in a quick manner. It is knowing what you are doing to the point that you can concentrate less on the motions and more on acceleration.
And it is effort. It is pushing yourself beyond what you think are doing to what you think you are capable of doing.
So my speed may be less of an inability and more of a reluctance to push myself to a higher level.
The solution? Relatively easy. Make myself move faster. If there are physical impediments - lack of strength, for example - fix it. If there are mental impediments - I am unsure - master the material. If there is indecisiveness, learn to gather facts more quickly.
But above all, learn to get faster. Learn to be quicker. Learn to move things with the speed of force and let the effort of gravity - physical or mental - do the work.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Metrics for God
I am trying to work out some kind of metrics for God in my life.
As I am working to get my life in order a.k.a. "Trying to get direction and leadership in my life" I realized that I am getting things backwards. I am trying to put things in first and shoehorn God in around the edges. I realized this morning as I was praying that this does not accord with passages such as "Commit your plans to the Lord and He will establish them" (Proverbs 16:3) and "Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33"?
Am I seeking God first? Am I seeking His kingdom and His righteousness first? Am I committing my plans to Him, or am I huddling in my world, trying to make things work the way I want them to and hoping that they accord with God's will - but not really knowing if I am getting better or if I am more closely conforming with it?
So are there metrics that one could generate for a relationship with God, the same as one would generate for any other sort of activity or action? It could not be solely based on time spent, because that is not a true indicator of spiritual life - yet without time spent and an amount of time that is growing, one can argue that this is not progress.
Is it giving? I should be growing in my tithing, yet again money is no indicator of a growing relationship with God and could simply indicate I am keeping score.
Is it service? Here again it should be something that is increasing as I serve God more actively - but again, it can become another number that makes me feel good but really indicates nothing.
So what is it? What is the metric that will show that I am increasing in my walk with God
A couple of thoughts:
- It has to be life related. There has to be something in my life, some evidence that I am growing or changing.
- It needs to be measurable. Although everything I have listed is a number, none the less what we are discussing needs to able to be tracked and measured against something.
I wonder if such a metric is both time and effort related: not only how much time I am spending with God or on God but how much I am growing and increasing in those areas such as tithing, prayer, service? And what about growth in holiness? Is this something I could track, even in such simple ways as how much less time I am spending in certain activities or with certain people?
And as a family - are we doing the same thing? Are we becoming demonstrably more Christlike, or less? Do we look more like the world or more like Christ?
Not any definitive answers and maybe I will have to think harder. But ultimately here is the item all Christians should be shooting for: can I show I am growing in Christ? And how can I know that?
As I am working to get my life in order a.k.a. "Trying to get direction and leadership in my life" I realized that I am getting things backwards. I am trying to put things in first and shoehorn God in around the edges. I realized this morning as I was praying that this does not accord with passages such as "Commit your plans to the Lord and He will establish them" (Proverbs 16:3) and "Seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33"?
Am I seeking God first? Am I seeking His kingdom and His righteousness first? Am I committing my plans to Him, or am I huddling in my world, trying to make things work the way I want them to and hoping that they accord with God's will - but not really knowing if I am getting better or if I am more closely conforming with it?
So are there metrics that one could generate for a relationship with God, the same as one would generate for any other sort of activity or action? It could not be solely based on time spent, because that is not a true indicator of spiritual life - yet without time spent and an amount of time that is growing, one can argue that this is not progress.
Is it giving? I should be growing in my tithing, yet again money is no indicator of a growing relationship with God and could simply indicate I am keeping score.
Is it service? Here again it should be something that is increasing as I serve God more actively - but again, it can become another number that makes me feel good but really indicates nothing.
So what is it? What is the metric that will show that I am increasing in my walk with God
A couple of thoughts:
- It has to be life related. There has to be something in my life, some evidence that I am growing or changing.
- It needs to be measurable. Although everything I have listed is a number, none the less what we are discussing needs to able to be tracked and measured against something.
I wonder if such a metric is both time and effort related: not only how much time I am spending with God or on God but how much I am growing and increasing in those areas such as tithing, prayer, service? And what about growth in holiness? Is this something I could track, even in such simple ways as how much less time I am spending in certain activities or with certain people?
And as a family - are we doing the same thing? Are we becoming demonstrably more Christlike, or less? Do we look more like the world or more like Christ?
Not any definitive answers and maybe I will have to think harder. But ultimately here is the item all Christians should be shooting for: can I show I am growing in Christ? And how can I know that?
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
The Caber
I hate The Caber.
The Caber is my worst event by far. It is the one event which, after three years of competing more or less, I still have yet to actually complete it (e.g. make a turn).
The Caber is a beast. It is 70-110 lbs and 16- 18 feet (depending on what game you are at for my age group) of wood staring you in the face. Sometimes they are rubbed smooth, sometimes they are covered in fibrous bark (mostly cedar where I am) which comes off in your hands and on your face when you try to throw.
And they are alive. They have nubs and stubs that will scratch and tear at you when you try to throw them. They will cut you and rasp you, leaving marks on your neck or cheek (or even your ear) that will be with you long after the initial throw is gone. They even, in some cases, will try to break your bones if given the opportunity.
For me the Caber is a mental challenge every time I throw it. I can hear the dialogue in my head as I step up: "Okay, this time we are going to do it. It is big, but you are bigger. You can do this." I grasp the caber in my hands, wedge it against my neck, and slowly begin to work my way down the shaft. There at the bottom I wait for a few moments, trying to see how it feels. One, Two Three: Pull with my shoulder and neck and scoop with my hands.
It is at that moment that you know whether or not you have a good pick. With a good one, the caber is more or less balanced upright; with a bad one it is pulling back and around and over trying to reach back to the ground as quickly as possible.
It probably goes without saying that I seldom have good picks.
And thus the dialogue in my head as I get ready: I have done this before, I not done this well before, and this is going to be just like the other times. I can almost feel the Caber falling even as I am reaching down to try to grab it.
There is only one way through this, of course: turn the Caber this year. It is hard, but there are plenty of people that weigh just as much as I do that are doing it. It is not a matter of matter so much as it is a matter of mind.
The Caber is waiting for another season, growling to come and get it.
Cuts and scrapes and rasps aside, I am coming.
The Caber is my worst event by far. It is the one event which, after three years of competing more or less, I still have yet to actually complete it (e.g. make a turn).
The Caber is a beast. It is 70-110 lbs and 16- 18 feet (depending on what game you are at for my age group) of wood staring you in the face. Sometimes they are rubbed smooth, sometimes they are covered in fibrous bark (mostly cedar where I am) which comes off in your hands and on your face when you try to throw.
And they are alive. They have nubs and stubs that will scratch and tear at you when you try to throw them. They will cut you and rasp you, leaving marks on your neck or cheek (or even your ear) that will be with you long after the initial throw is gone. They even, in some cases, will try to break your bones if given the opportunity.
For me the Caber is a mental challenge every time I throw it. I can hear the dialogue in my head as I step up: "Okay, this time we are going to do it. It is big, but you are bigger. You can do this." I grasp the caber in my hands, wedge it against my neck, and slowly begin to work my way down the shaft. There at the bottom I wait for a few moments, trying to see how it feels. One, Two Three: Pull with my shoulder and neck and scoop with my hands.
It is at that moment that you know whether or not you have a good pick. With a good one, the caber is more or less balanced upright; with a bad one it is pulling back and around and over trying to reach back to the ground as quickly as possible.
It probably goes without saying that I seldom have good picks.
And thus the dialogue in my head as I get ready: I have done this before, I not done this well before, and this is going to be just like the other times. I can almost feel the Caber falling even as I am reaching down to try to grab it.
There is only one way through this, of course: turn the Caber this year. It is hard, but there are plenty of people that weigh just as much as I do that are doing it. It is not a matter of matter so much as it is a matter of mind.
The Caber is waiting for another season, growling to come and get it.
Cuts and scrapes and rasps aside, I am coming.
Friday, February 14, 2014
No-One is Coming
No-one is coming.
I have realized (with a lot of help from Bogha Frois) that I have for a very long time - perhaps always?- been waiting for a hero. Someone to come and resolve the unresolvable situations in my life. To save me from the situations that I am seemingly unable to save myself from.
I have done it at work. For how long have I always hoped that someone would come and change a situation that I was involved in? For the last 1.5 years, I can count three different people whom I hoped would change the situation that I am currently in, would somehow sweep in and resolve every issue that I am facing, leaving to deal with the challenges of my job alone.
But no-one is coming.
I have done so in my private life as well. How many times have I find my mind's eye wandering to come and resolve any of the situations that I have faced over their years? If I am honest, more than I can possibly count. Always, my mental vision turns to person - and they have varied over the years - that would make things right.
But no-one is coming.
This is a terribly difficult thought for me. In some ways, perhaps more than I would like to admit, I am a person who likes to have some degree of hope that things will get better. That is fine of course - but it has to hope in something other than someone else.
It makes me wonder as well if I am putting pressure on individuals unnecessarily, unknowingly. By passively hoping that someone will come and make things better I can see where it would put pressure on any sort of relationship because instinctively someone is going to sense that you are looking for something else.
No-one is coming.
What to do? I think that Iai may have the seeds of the answer.
One of the questions/answers of the certification test is thus:
"What is the symbolic meaning of drawing the sword very quickly?
When you have made a decision, act immediately with hesitation."
Here then is the potential antidote:
1) Decide.
2) Act.
3) Repeat.
What do you decide and act? This is the part I have to begin work out for myself. Here we are back to having some level of self confidence in myself, of believing that I can make rational and reasonable decisions - and then acting on them. And doing it again. And accepting that you will make some bad decisions but to keep going.
There is a footnote to this process as well: do not expect anyone to recognize or approve these decisions. Maybe they will someday, after you have begun making progress - but by then, of course, hopefully you will not need their approval. Just keep going, regardless of the notice - or its lack - of others.
No-one is coming.
Time to come to your own rescue.
I have realized (with a lot of help from Bogha Frois) that I have for a very long time - perhaps always?- been waiting for a hero. Someone to come and resolve the unresolvable situations in my life. To save me from the situations that I am seemingly unable to save myself from.
I have done it at work. For how long have I always hoped that someone would come and change a situation that I was involved in? For the last 1.5 years, I can count three different people whom I hoped would change the situation that I am currently in, would somehow sweep in and resolve every issue that I am facing, leaving to deal with the challenges of my job alone.
But no-one is coming.
I have done so in my private life as well. How many times have I find my mind's eye wandering to come and resolve any of the situations that I have faced over their years? If I am honest, more than I can possibly count. Always, my mental vision turns to person - and they have varied over the years - that would make things right.
But no-one is coming.
This is a terribly difficult thought for me. In some ways, perhaps more than I would like to admit, I am a person who likes to have some degree of hope that things will get better. That is fine of course - but it has to hope in something other than someone else.
It makes me wonder as well if I am putting pressure on individuals unnecessarily, unknowingly. By passively hoping that someone will come and make things better I can see where it would put pressure on any sort of relationship because instinctively someone is going to sense that you are looking for something else.
No-one is coming.
What to do? I think that Iai may have the seeds of the answer.
One of the questions/answers of the certification test is thus:
"What is the symbolic meaning of drawing the sword very quickly?
When you have made a decision, act immediately with hesitation."
Here then is the potential antidote:
1) Decide.
2) Act.
3) Repeat.
What do you decide and act? This is the part I have to begin work out for myself. Here we are back to having some level of self confidence in myself, of believing that I can make rational and reasonable decisions - and then acting on them. And doing it again. And accepting that you will make some bad decisions but to keep going.
There is a footnote to this process as well: do not expect anyone to recognize or approve these decisions. Maybe they will someday, after you have begun making progress - but by then, of course, hopefully you will not need their approval. Just keep going, regardless of the notice - or its lack - of others.
No-one is coming.
Time to come to your own rescue.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tilter of Windmills
I am great tilter of windmills.
They litter the landscape of my life, looming sentinels scattered hither and yon. Each of them bears a particular memory: here was the romance I charged that had not a change of succeeding, there is the business idea that was improbable, over there was the great crusade that I intended to undertake. Each one of them a monument to some portion of my life where I spent time and energy chasing the unachievable, dangerous monsters that turned into the commonplace of life.
But of late I have been wondering: Am I really a tilter of windmills?
The activities I have been undertaking of late I have been accomplishing. Yes, perhaps not to the extent of others - my Highland Athletics, of course, will probably never be world class - but that is not really the point. The point is that it was not a pointless charge into an imaginary foe, something that simply could not be defeated because it was not there. Instead, progress was really made. The lance went into something and the foe fell.
I find this strangely remarkable and encouraging. Remarkable because such things are unexpected me. Encouraging because it means that if the thing can be done once, or twice or even thrice, it can be done again. And again.
As I wheel around on my Charger (who I am sure never anticipated actually having to work this hard) I see windmills farther out urging me onward. I also turn behind me to see those windmills behind from long ago which beckon me on as well with the promise that this time, it will be different.
And so, pennons flying in the breeze, I head off. For once I advance not with the spirit of reluctance of failure but with anticipation. The windmills - or have they truly now become giants? - loom in the distance.
And this time, they find me eager and ready.
They litter the landscape of my life, looming sentinels scattered hither and yon. Each of them bears a particular memory: here was the romance I charged that had not a change of succeeding, there is the business idea that was improbable, over there was the great crusade that I intended to undertake. Each one of them a monument to some portion of my life where I spent time and energy chasing the unachievable, dangerous monsters that turned into the commonplace of life.
But of late I have been wondering: Am I really a tilter of windmills?
The activities I have been undertaking of late I have been accomplishing. Yes, perhaps not to the extent of others - my Highland Athletics, of course, will probably never be world class - but that is not really the point. The point is that it was not a pointless charge into an imaginary foe, something that simply could not be defeated because it was not there. Instead, progress was really made. The lance went into something and the foe fell.
I find this strangely remarkable and encouraging. Remarkable because such things are unexpected me. Encouraging because it means that if the thing can be done once, or twice or even thrice, it can be done again. And again.
As I wheel around on my Charger (who I am sure never anticipated actually having to work this hard) I see windmills farther out urging me onward. I also turn behind me to see those windmills behind from long ago which beckon me on as well with the promise that this time, it will be different.
And so, pennons flying in the breeze, I head off. For once I advance not with the spirit of reluctance of failure but with anticipation. The windmills - or have they truly now become giants? - loom in the distance.
And this time, they find me eager and ready.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Interest
Why is what I do so not interesting?
This hit me yesterday as I was meandering about my day at work, attending to this thing that needed to be re-signed and that thing that need resolution and that other thing that needed my review: I am working on nothing of interest. Not at all. No interest to me personally and not much interest to the market.
When I let this thought settle in for a moment I was a bit appalled - after all, a great many of the jobs I have held have all been working on things that for one thing or another were interesting: interesting technologies, interesting applications. Even in the midst of the tasks that I do (which across companies have been very similar and, let us face it, mundane) there was always that element of doing something that that was interesting and innovative.
I miss that. I think that may be part of the reason that I find my energy has slacked off so much for what I do - it is that I am doing it for something for which I find no more excitement or interest. Work has simply become somewhere that I go to do things.
Value, you may say. Are you bringing value? Because f you are bringing value then that is what can motivate you and drive you forward. Work can be interesting or not - it is how you work at it when you are there that is the important item.
I agree in the concept of bringing value. I agree that value should be the ultimate measure. At the same time, I struggle with the fact that value is not recognized as the only universal and lone metric. One can bring all the value in the world and be ignored or put aside because of other elements - here, office politics can play a brutal role. Or simply the bias of some that some functions are more important than others based on a particular view of the market place.
This is where interest can play a crucial role. Interest can push me forward when a lack of recognition cannot. If I am a perhaps bringing value but am not recognized, interest in what I do can keep me moving forward. But a lack of these two - interest and recognition - is a recipe fora long life of sameness.
How do I resolve this? Pretty simple really: find something interesting. Easy to say, difficult to implement as the things that I would find interesting are not in this area.
Which leaves a question: if the choice is between interest and stability, to where does one turn?
This hit me yesterday as I was meandering about my day at work, attending to this thing that needed to be re-signed and that thing that need resolution and that other thing that needed my review: I am working on nothing of interest. Not at all. No interest to me personally and not much interest to the market.
When I let this thought settle in for a moment I was a bit appalled - after all, a great many of the jobs I have held have all been working on things that for one thing or another were interesting: interesting technologies, interesting applications. Even in the midst of the tasks that I do (which across companies have been very similar and, let us face it, mundane) there was always that element of doing something that that was interesting and innovative.
I miss that. I think that may be part of the reason that I find my energy has slacked off so much for what I do - it is that I am doing it for something for which I find no more excitement or interest. Work has simply become somewhere that I go to do things.
Value, you may say. Are you bringing value? Because f you are bringing value then that is what can motivate you and drive you forward. Work can be interesting or not - it is how you work at it when you are there that is the important item.
I agree in the concept of bringing value. I agree that value should be the ultimate measure. At the same time, I struggle with the fact that value is not recognized as the only universal and lone metric. One can bring all the value in the world and be ignored or put aside because of other elements - here, office politics can play a brutal role. Or simply the bias of some that some functions are more important than others based on a particular view of the market place.
This is where interest can play a crucial role. Interest can push me forward when a lack of recognition cannot. If I am a perhaps bringing value but am not recognized, interest in what I do can keep me moving forward. But a lack of these two - interest and recognition - is a recipe fora long life of sameness.
How do I resolve this? Pretty simple really: find something interesting. Easy to say, difficult to implement as the things that I would find interesting are not in this area.
Which leaves a question: if the choice is between interest and stability, to where does one turn?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Environment and Direction
So just like every other time I am away and return, I could feel the enthusiasm and energy drain out of my like a sieve upon my return to work.
This has become a typical occurrence, something that I have come to expect and anticipate as part of where I am currently working - simply put, the return simply brings back all of the issues that never went away while I was gone.
I used to believe it was myself, that there was something that I could do about it, that there was something that I could do about it, some way I could magically will myself into changing my energy levels such that I could reverse the trend and be motivated, become a thermostat rather than a thermometer. Alas, that seems to have passed.
Why? I suppose I underestimated the power of the work environment and the power of a company's directions.
Environment and direction have a powerful impact on morale. With a good environment and an comprehensible direction, the worst of tasks can seem like it at least has purpose because it going in a direction. Without such things, all effort feels wasted, all improvements meaningless, all the hard work trickling away into a pit that has no end. The ability to become better at what one does gets lost in the mire of trying to get through just another day with a long line of tasks that never seem to get closed.
What to do? There are only two options: improve the environment and direction or move on.
Can I improve my personal environment? Possibly. Can I improve the greater environment? Not likely -I simply lack that power. And can I improve the direction of the company? Not really - I am not in a position where such a thing is possible.
Which leaves....
Having said that, I am not sure what that truly means. I do not know what form that will take or even how that works out in the greater areas of my life. What I do know is this: I am not growing and the situation I am in is not helping me grow - at this point, there is only one choice if I want to reach what I am capable of, and it is not waiting here for things to "magically" get better.
This has become a typical occurrence, something that I have come to expect and anticipate as part of where I am currently working - simply put, the return simply brings back all of the issues that never went away while I was gone.
I used to believe it was myself, that there was something that I could do about it, that there was something that I could do about it, some way I could magically will myself into changing my energy levels such that I could reverse the trend and be motivated, become a thermostat rather than a thermometer. Alas, that seems to have passed.
Why? I suppose I underestimated the power of the work environment and the power of a company's directions.
Environment and direction have a powerful impact on morale. With a good environment and an comprehensible direction, the worst of tasks can seem like it at least has purpose because it going in a direction. Without such things, all effort feels wasted, all improvements meaningless, all the hard work trickling away into a pit that has no end. The ability to become better at what one does gets lost in the mire of trying to get through just another day with a long line of tasks that never seem to get closed.
What to do? There are only two options: improve the environment and direction or move on.
Can I improve my personal environment? Possibly. Can I improve the greater environment? Not likely -I simply lack that power. And can I improve the direction of the company? Not really - I am not in a position where such a thing is possible.
Which leaves....
Having said that, I am not sure what that truly means. I do not know what form that will take or even how that works out in the greater areas of my life. What I do know is this: I am not growing and the situation I am in is not helping me grow - at this point, there is only one choice if I want to reach what I am capable of, and it is not waiting here for things to "magically" get better.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Overly Dependent
After a lot of thinking this weekend, I realized that I am exceptionally dependent on the opinions of others.
This has gone on for a very long time- how long, I cannot fully say. What I can say without question is that when I look back over the course of my life, I rely heavily on the opinions of others for my own self image.
This is incredibly crippling, as you might think. It ensures that I will never truly "do" anything as I will always be looking over my shoulder for approval. It ensures that I will never truly be able to move forward because I am constantly looking for the "recognition" (read "approval") of others. It means that opinions and thoughts and dreams of my own become subject to whatever other people think.
I am clever about it too, almost deviously so: I try to get others to share my interests or thoughts so that I am passively getting their support. Random comments thrown out in hopes that I will have them engage support is hardly a sign of independence on my part.
So what to do? It is incredibly easy yet incredible difficult: learn to go on without being emotionally dependent.
It sounds like it should be simple, but there is a certain mental toughness involved - something that I lack at the moment. There is also the very real possibility that those who previously believed that they had a power over you by your emotional dependence will become angered and upset when they realize that are no longer subject to their whims. That you will do what you will do whether or not their emotional support is there.
The possibilities entice me; the level of adjustment to get to it terrifies me. But am in my mid-life and am rapidly reaching a crossroads: spend the second half as I did much of the first, looking to others to make me feel better about myself, or boldly press on in the knowledge that I am truly capable, no matter what others may think.
This has gone on for a very long time- how long, I cannot fully say. What I can say without question is that when I look back over the course of my life, I rely heavily on the opinions of others for my own self image.
This is incredibly crippling, as you might think. It ensures that I will never truly "do" anything as I will always be looking over my shoulder for approval. It ensures that I will never truly be able to move forward because I am constantly looking for the "recognition" (read "approval") of others. It means that opinions and thoughts and dreams of my own become subject to whatever other people think.
I am clever about it too, almost deviously so: I try to get others to share my interests or thoughts so that I am passively getting their support. Random comments thrown out in hopes that I will have them engage support is hardly a sign of independence on my part.
So what to do? It is incredibly easy yet incredible difficult: learn to go on without being emotionally dependent.
It sounds like it should be simple, but there is a certain mental toughness involved - something that I lack at the moment. There is also the very real possibility that those who previously believed that they had a power over you by your emotional dependence will become angered and upset when they realize that are no longer subject to their whims. That you will do what you will do whether or not their emotional support is there.
The possibilities entice me; the level of adjustment to get to it terrifies me. But am in my mid-life and am rapidly reaching a crossroads: spend the second half as I did much of the first, looking to others to make me feel better about myself, or boldly press on in the knowledge that I am truly capable, no matter what others may think.
Friday, February 07, 2014
Letting Go of C
Apparently I have been dragging someone with around with me for twenty five years.
I was not really conscious of it until this week. All of a sudden this person, whom I had though had long ago moved on, reared their head again in my life. The reality is of course this person has long ago forgotten me - I can guarantee that. Yet here I sit with them in my conscious brain as if not a single day has passed.
What do you ask the incoporal: What are you doing here? Why are you still here? Why will you not let me go?
Oddly enough, they will respond, a sort of ghostly hologram running a preprogrammed message: I am here because you keep me here. I cannot tell you why I am here because you cannot tell yourself why I am here. I cannot let you go because you will not let me go.
And there the finger goes, right back at me.
It is a shock, of course, to realize that something buried this deep has been kept there because you wanted it in some way. Oh, you tried to convince yourself that it was gone, that it needed to be gone, that it should be gone - yet it keeps popping it and suddenly you realize you are cliniging to it with a death grip.
Why? Because letting go of an old hurt can be the most painful thing of all.
I thought I had let go - years ago. Uisdean Ruadh and I made an event of it: everything I had that was involved went into the stove, where we burned it. Nothing remained, I thought. Apparently I was wrong - everything important remained. I just dumped the physical manifestation of it.
How do you complete an action that happened so many years ago? How do you simply say "Yup. What I really felt at the time was legitimate. It was awful, but the feelings were legitimate. Sometimes people treat people poorly. It is just the way of it."
I needed the closure. I I guess I was denied it, never having the opportunity to deliver it and so close the gap - and so for all of these years, buried beneath my relationships and my hopes and fears and dreams and fantasies is the C, standing behind and over it all. The bitter part is that I kept them there.
So now I need to let go.
Easier said than done, of course. I have been done this path once before and that apparently was not enough. I am not sure what the letting go will truly look like, nor is something I think I can rush at this point. There is simply too much overlaying it at this point for me to pick a time and shout "I am done!"
But I brought them all this way. I carried them through my life.
And I am the one that will have to let go.
I was not really conscious of it until this week. All of a sudden this person, whom I had though had long ago moved on, reared their head again in my life. The reality is of course this person has long ago forgotten me - I can guarantee that. Yet here I sit with them in my conscious brain as if not a single day has passed.
What do you ask the incoporal: What are you doing here? Why are you still here? Why will you not let me go?
Oddly enough, they will respond, a sort of ghostly hologram running a preprogrammed message: I am here because you keep me here. I cannot tell you why I am here because you cannot tell yourself why I am here. I cannot let you go because you will not let me go.
And there the finger goes, right back at me.
It is a shock, of course, to realize that something buried this deep has been kept there because you wanted it in some way. Oh, you tried to convince yourself that it was gone, that it needed to be gone, that it should be gone - yet it keeps popping it and suddenly you realize you are cliniging to it with a death grip.
Why? Because letting go of an old hurt can be the most painful thing of all.
I thought I had let go - years ago. Uisdean Ruadh and I made an event of it: everything I had that was involved went into the stove, where we burned it. Nothing remained, I thought. Apparently I was wrong - everything important remained. I just dumped the physical manifestation of it.
How do you complete an action that happened so many years ago? How do you simply say "Yup. What I really felt at the time was legitimate. It was awful, but the feelings were legitimate. Sometimes people treat people poorly. It is just the way of it."
I needed the closure. I I guess I was denied it, never having the opportunity to deliver it and so close the gap - and so for all of these years, buried beneath my relationships and my hopes and fears and dreams and fantasies is the C, standing behind and over it all. The bitter part is that I kept them there.
So now I need to let go.
Easier said than done, of course. I have been done this path once before and that apparently was not enough. I am not sure what the letting go will truly look like, nor is something I think I can rush at this point. There is simply too much overlaying it at this point for me to pick a time and shout "I am done!"
But I brought them all this way. I carried them through my life.
And I am the one that will have to let go.
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Finding Courage
I am working to find the courage to write more publicly.
No, not here. This - for the simple fact that this anonymity allows me a certain latitude in what I write - remains my refuge, my testing ground, my sounding board, my lab. Here I can throw out whatever wanders into my mind and feel that at some level I can write without fear. This is, and will remain so as long as I can write, my pet project.
No, I am talking about other places. I do have one, a place where I am started writing in hopes of creating more of a business oriented area. I have kept it up over the years - at least three - but it has been a struggle to provide content for it, not at all like the relative ease it is to write here.
But herein - thanks to Carrie Wilkerson and The Barefoot Executive - lies the problem: if I never develop the public aspect of the work, I will never ultimately have a chance to be rewarded for it. In other words, if I want to begin to try to transition to a new area and hopefully some kind of income from it (it does not take much to make me feel like I am a success!), then I need to start writing and acting more as myself.
My initial reaction was, of course, a sigh. two blogs to keep up. If I wanted to work as hard on that as I did on this, even more writing to do every morning. Learning new technologies like websites and webcams and some thing called Audio Forge to record things.
But then I shook myself a bit. Really? Me - the great learner of obscure facts, shying away from having to learning something new? Me - the guy who has made himself write at least 5 times a week for 5 years now? That guy? I cannot put in a little more effort for the purpose of trying to make my life a little more like I want it?
But that is not the real issue of why I will or will not move forward. The real issue is courage - the courage to write as who I am.
It is easy to write like I do here - some people know who I am, some people do not. But to write as myself, to throw one's name out into the ring of those that write, is to run the risk of criticism. Of seeming trite. Of seeming stupid and sophomoric. Of realizing that one really did not have anything to say - and finding out that others think that too.
But there is the other side, the side I hardly acknowledge: maybe not.
Maybe it turns out I can write to impact somebody's life. Maybe one of the pithy parables I am experimenting with will actually make sense to someone. Maybe I can encourage one more person to move forward in their own life. Heck, maybe I can sell a book or two.
So here is the question: I know what I need to try to do to make it happen. The question is, will I?
Can I find my courage?
No, not here. This - for the simple fact that this anonymity allows me a certain latitude in what I write - remains my refuge, my testing ground, my sounding board, my lab. Here I can throw out whatever wanders into my mind and feel that at some level I can write without fear. This is, and will remain so as long as I can write, my pet project.
No, I am talking about other places. I do have one, a place where I am started writing in hopes of creating more of a business oriented area. I have kept it up over the years - at least three - but it has been a struggle to provide content for it, not at all like the relative ease it is to write here.
But herein - thanks to Carrie Wilkerson and The Barefoot Executive - lies the problem: if I never develop the public aspect of the work, I will never ultimately have a chance to be rewarded for it. In other words, if I want to begin to try to transition to a new area and hopefully some kind of income from it (it does not take much to make me feel like I am a success!), then I need to start writing and acting more as myself.
My initial reaction was, of course, a sigh. two blogs to keep up. If I wanted to work as hard on that as I did on this, even more writing to do every morning. Learning new technologies like websites and webcams and some thing called Audio Forge to record things.
But then I shook myself a bit. Really? Me - the great learner of obscure facts, shying away from having to learning something new? Me - the guy who has made himself write at least 5 times a week for 5 years now? That guy? I cannot put in a little more effort for the purpose of trying to make my life a little more like I want it?
But that is not the real issue of why I will or will not move forward. The real issue is courage - the courage to write as who I am.
It is easy to write like I do here - some people know who I am, some people do not. But to write as myself, to throw one's name out into the ring of those that write, is to run the risk of criticism. Of seeming trite. Of seeming stupid and sophomoric. Of realizing that one really did not have anything to say - and finding out that others think that too.
But there is the other side, the side I hardly acknowledge: maybe not.
Maybe it turns out I can write to impact somebody's life. Maybe one of the pithy parables I am experimenting with will actually make sense to someone. Maybe I can encourage one more person to move forward in their own life. Heck, maybe I can sell a book or two.
So here is the question: I know what I need to try to do to make it happen. The question is, will I?
Can I find my courage?
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
On The Question of Being Great
"Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be." - Charles de Gaulle
Am I determined to to be great?
No no, not the greatness the world so often confuses as greatness: the attention, the money, the glamour, the power over the wavering masses entranced by one's brightness and glory. The greatness I am referring to is that simple greatness where we simply are everything that we can possibly be.
Why is this important? The reality is that greatness as the world defines it will always be a very small percentage of the world, too small for too many things that need doing not to get done. By surrendering to less than greatness, to believing that being great (and therefore doing great things) is reserved for a particular or peculiar few, we cede the power we each have to accomplish anything.
We become the less great, the average, the mediocre, those that exist in the twilight of "The Great Ones", seeking to capture a piece of their limelight or convincing ourselves that we are supremely happy in just being noticed by them or being in their presence. And thus we wander through our lives, hapless shadow beings that never seem to do what we need to or want to and accomplish nothing of significance or benefit, perhaps wondering why our time has never come but sure that greatness is for the great, not for us.
But this revolves around our definition of greatness. If greatness is only achieved by fame and recognition, then this is true. But if it is not- if it is achieved by each of us being the best "us" that we can be, then it is a false statement.
A thing which is otherwise small may great to the one to whom it impacts - even if that one is a single person for which no-one else will recognize or know. The greatness in inherent in us becoming the person to do the great thing, not in the visibility or greatness of the thing.
The world is in desperate need of great deeds to resolve signficant issues and to encourage others that such things are possible.
Determine to do great things. Determine to be great.
Am I determined to to be great?
No no, not the greatness the world so often confuses as greatness: the attention, the money, the glamour, the power over the wavering masses entranced by one's brightness and glory. The greatness I am referring to is that simple greatness where we simply are everything that we can possibly be.
Why is this important? The reality is that greatness as the world defines it will always be a very small percentage of the world, too small for too many things that need doing not to get done. By surrendering to less than greatness, to believing that being great (and therefore doing great things) is reserved for a particular or peculiar few, we cede the power we each have to accomplish anything.
We become the less great, the average, the mediocre, those that exist in the twilight of "The Great Ones", seeking to capture a piece of their limelight or convincing ourselves that we are supremely happy in just being noticed by them or being in their presence. And thus we wander through our lives, hapless shadow beings that never seem to do what we need to or want to and accomplish nothing of significance or benefit, perhaps wondering why our time has never come but sure that greatness is for the great, not for us.
But this revolves around our definition of greatness. If greatness is only achieved by fame and recognition, then this is true. But if it is not- if it is achieved by each of us being the best "us" that we can be, then it is a false statement.
A thing which is otherwise small may great to the one to whom it impacts - even if that one is a single person for which no-one else will recognize or know. The greatness in inherent in us becoming the person to do the great thing, not in the visibility or greatness of the thing.
The world is in desperate need of great deeds to resolve signficant issues and to encourage others that such things are possible.
Determine to do great things. Determine to be great.
Monday, February 03, 2014
The Abandoning of E-mail
I am giving serious consideration to abandoning e-mail.
I looked at my e-mail in-box over the course of this week and realized that I had over 400 unopened e-mails. That seems like a great deal - I mean, I was conscious of the fact that the amount had been growing but it was leaping up exponentially. So I decided to take a look.
My e-mail box was even more of a disaster. I do not know how many e-mails I have in my box at this point but I would estimate it is easily close to a thousand. Trying to locate a specific one is the proverbial needle in the haystack procedure.
How did they all build up? The best of intentions, of course. The exponential growth in e-mails was due to my habit of signing up for lists - "Oh, that sounds interesting. Let's sign up for that - after all, it is just e-mail. It will not take up very much room". Likewise the growth in my in-box was due to my habit of saving things "to get to later": "That is an interesting quote. I cannot write it down now - let me save it for later" or "I need to respond to that. I cannot do it now - let me save it for later."
You are seeing a trend, I hope: It does not take up much space and I will do it later. As sadly true in the rest of my life as it is true in my electronic life.
I went through and deleted a great number or earmarked others for action - in a couple of cases I simple unsubscribed. Well and good. But as did this it was with the unconscious thought that this is only a temporary solution: the avalanche will be back, given one or two days of non-attentiveness.
Which brought up the next thought: what if I just sought to reduce my e-mail presence completely.
What are the legitimate uses of e-mail in my life? Occasional contacts from friends and family. E-mail transfers from home to work (although a thumb drive works as well). And information - scads of information that I thought was important at one time but now threatens to bury me beneath a rigorous program of dealing with it because I hate the thought of deleting it lest I lose some minor critical item.
What if I significantly scaled back my e-mail presence? What if I vigorously reviewed every list I am on, every newsletter I receive for actual use and purpose in my life? My suspicion is that I would see a significant lessening of the daily and weekly e-mails I received - perhaps to the point that I could actually use the ones I have.
Because, oddly enough, 20 years ago most of us had heard of e-mail but it was the stuff of legend and technology, a mystical thing that appeared as if a pronouncement from Mt. Olympus - and most of us survived. And still talked to our friends. And still got things done. It was not what it has become now, an almost mindless exchange of everything that takes no time for someone else to send but valuable time for us to even evaulate if it is important.
I may not completely divorce myself from the medium, but it has certainly reached the point where it is no longer adding significant value in my life. And our lives, being so short, should be filled as much as possible with things of significant value.
I looked at my e-mail in-box over the course of this week and realized that I had over 400 unopened e-mails. That seems like a great deal - I mean, I was conscious of the fact that the amount had been growing but it was leaping up exponentially. So I decided to take a look.
My e-mail box was even more of a disaster. I do not know how many e-mails I have in my box at this point but I would estimate it is easily close to a thousand. Trying to locate a specific one is the proverbial needle in the haystack procedure.
How did they all build up? The best of intentions, of course. The exponential growth in e-mails was due to my habit of signing up for lists - "Oh, that sounds interesting. Let's sign up for that - after all, it is just e-mail. It will not take up very much room". Likewise the growth in my in-box was due to my habit of saving things "to get to later": "That is an interesting quote. I cannot write it down now - let me save it for later" or "I need to respond to that. I cannot do it now - let me save it for later."
You are seeing a trend, I hope: It does not take up much space and I will do it later. As sadly true in the rest of my life as it is true in my electronic life.
I went through and deleted a great number or earmarked others for action - in a couple of cases I simple unsubscribed. Well and good. But as did this it was with the unconscious thought that this is only a temporary solution: the avalanche will be back, given one or two days of non-attentiveness.
Which brought up the next thought: what if I just sought to reduce my e-mail presence completely.
What are the legitimate uses of e-mail in my life? Occasional contacts from friends and family. E-mail transfers from home to work (although a thumb drive works as well). And information - scads of information that I thought was important at one time but now threatens to bury me beneath a rigorous program of dealing with it because I hate the thought of deleting it lest I lose some minor critical item.
What if I significantly scaled back my e-mail presence? What if I vigorously reviewed every list I am on, every newsletter I receive for actual use and purpose in my life? My suspicion is that I would see a significant lessening of the daily and weekly e-mails I received - perhaps to the point that I could actually use the ones I have.
Because, oddly enough, 20 years ago most of us had heard of e-mail but it was the stuff of legend and technology, a mystical thing that appeared as if a pronouncement from Mt. Olympus - and most of us survived. And still talked to our friends. And still got things done. It was not what it has become now, an almost mindless exchange of everything that takes no time for someone else to send but valuable time for us to even evaulate if it is important.
I may not completely divorce myself from the medium, but it has certainly reached the point where it is no longer adding significant value in my life. And our lives, being so short, should be filled as much as possible with things of significant value.
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