Yesterday started out to be the same as the day before, a dreary walk through reality to be concluded by the darkness of sleep. I meandered through the day, occasionally seeing glimpses of sunlight but then watching them flicker and die like embers into a fire.
Until I wandered past Silverline's desk (probably with the intent of getting something signed). I caught her in the midst of eating half a sandwich. She turned from the computer, looked at me, and said "Do you want half a sandwich?"
"No" I replied. "I'm good.
"Really. Take it. It's good."
"I'm good. I already at lunch.
Then she fixed me in her gaze and said "You had spinach for lunch, didn't you?" When my failure to meet her eyes indicated assent, she said "Here. Take it."
So I did. And it was good - some yummy teriyaki chicken thing with fresh vegetables and fresh bread. But the thing that was really good about it was the way I felt about it - not that the sandwich had any magical "sandwich power" (although food always makes me happy), but the kindness of the offer.
My day almost instantly improved.
I think we underestimate the good that we can do in the lives of others. We (or at least I) often think we need to do some great and noble thing. In reality, it is the simple kindnesses - rendered when someone is truly in need - that go farther towards making a difference in the life of another than all the great deeds and public actions combined.
Never underestimate the power of a good deed, and never fail to do them when the opportunity presents itself. You never know how badly the other person may need it.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Depression is Like A Fog
Depression is like a fog,
a dense billowing log that creeps out of nowhere,
seeming to spring up from the ground itself.
The trees and bushes slowly merge into it
and then become swallowed up by it.
Depression is like a fog:
it becomes a barrier
cutting off all inputs of light and song.
Day, night, all become merged into a single monotone grey
with no hint of color or life.
Depression is like a fog:
it bounds my world until all I see and remember
is gray swirling mist.
When even hope and joy have become swallowed up
leaving only the dull ache of hopelessness
and the low moan of despair.
a dense billowing log that creeps out of nowhere,
seeming to spring up from the ground itself.
The trees and bushes slowly merge into it
and then become swallowed up by it.
Depression is like a fog:
it becomes a barrier
cutting off all inputs of light and song.
Day, night, all become merged into a single monotone grey
with no hint of color or life.
Depression is like a fog:
it bounds my world until all I see and remember
is gray swirling mist.
When even hope and joy have become swallowed up
leaving only the dull ache of hopelessness
and the low moan of despair.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Service and Significance
Yesterday at church our pastor used a power video about service and significance. It picture a young man sitting on a set of bleachers, discussing his search for significance in his Christian walk - what God wanted Him to do. Suddenly this hand appears, holding something suggesting teaching. "Oh no" he replies. "My gift is not in teaching children. That's not me. But about me - and my place in the church" - and off he goes again on a discussion of what he is feeling called to. Another hand, holding a sponge. "What - me clean? Wow. I'm dirt freak. Really not my calling" - and off he starts to ramble again.
Our pastor then made the statement - If you want to be significant, if you want to find significance in the church and in God's kingdom (and in your life for that matter), serve. Ah, we may say, of course I'll serve - but I'll set the priorities. I know best what I'm skillful at and can do. Guess, of course, what God says to that.
This was not the most comfortable sermon Sunday.
But that's really the point, isn't it? If we're called to serve (and we are), we serve. Perhaps we've become too enamored of the concept (at least in 21st Century Western Culture) that serving means to serve in what I feel is my calling, the same way I should have a job which comports with what I believe my gifts are. Of course, most of us have jobs which are not in our areas of calling or interest yet we continue to do them because we like to get paid; how come we fail to hold the same standard when it comes to serving? Is it because we believe that serving God is something which is supposed to be intensely personal , not necessarily a matter of obedience? Is it because we believe that we believe we should directly feel good about serving, not that we may feel good as a result of serving? Is it because we believe that even is serving it should be all about us?
"God", said my pastor "made us to be servants. He didn't ask us to be servants." Perhaps much of my angst arises from confusing the two.
Our pastor then made the statement - If you want to be significant, if you want to find significance in the church and in God's kingdom (and in your life for that matter), serve. Ah, we may say, of course I'll serve - but I'll set the priorities. I know best what I'm skillful at and can do. Guess, of course, what God says to that.
This was not the most comfortable sermon Sunday.
But that's really the point, isn't it? If we're called to serve (and we are), we serve. Perhaps we've become too enamored of the concept (at least in 21st Century Western Culture) that serving means to serve in what I feel is my calling, the same way I should have a job which comports with what I believe my gifts are. Of course, most of us have jobs which are not in our areas of calling or interest yet we continue to do them because we like to get paid; how come we fail to hold the same standard when it comes to serving? Is it because we believe that serving God is something which is supposed to be intensely personal , not necessarily a matter of obedience? Is it because we believe that we believe we should directly feel good about serving, not that we may feel good as a result of serving? Is it because we believe that even is serving it should be all about us?
"God", said my pastor "made us to be servants. He didn't ask us to be servants." Perhaps much of my angst arises from confusing the two.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Motivation In The Water
So I'm fighting how to motivate others.
One of the great challenges I am fighting at my current position is a general sense of malaise. As I described it to Fear Beag and Fear Mor it's as if there is a preset level of enthusiasm which occasionally blips up but seems to be constantly held at a steady line and there seems to be nothing that can be done about it. One doesn't want to try negative motivation which works per se for a little while but is not sustainable long term and one does not have the opportunity to try positive motivation (i.e. money) as that is not in the power of middle management.
So here's the question? How do you motivate others? Or to ask it another way, how do you get people to care?
It is a deceptively easy question of course. The easy answer is to say that it simply needs to be something that either matters to people or impacts their lives significantly. But what if the problem should matter to people and does impact their lives significantly and they still don't seem to want to do anything about it?
The real danger is that it begins to pull down your own level of motivation and caring which is critical to your own success in your career and life.
Which then brings up the real question I suppose: How do you sustain your own motivation and caring in the face of vast indifference?
One of the great challenges I am fighting at my current position is a general sense of malaise. As I described it to Fear Beag and Fear Mor it's as if there is a preset level of enthusiasm which occasionally blips up but seems to be constantly held at a steady line and there seems to be nothing that can be done about it. One doesn't want to try negative motivation which works per se for a little while but is not sustainable long term and one does not have the opportunity to try positive motivation (i.e. money) as that is not in the power of middle management.
So here's the question? How do you motivate others? Or to ask it another way, how do you get people to care?
It is a deceptively easy question of course. The easy answer is to say that it simply needs to be something that either matters to people or impacts their lives significantly. But what if the problem should matter to people and does impact their lives significantly and they still don't seem to want to do anything about it?
The real danger is that it begins to pull down your own level of motivation and caring which is critical to your own success in your career and life.
Which then brings up the real question I suppose: How do you sustain your own motivation and caring in the face of vast indifference?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Time Out
I'm taking a bit of time out until the end of the year.
As I am trying to think through where we are and where we're going, I realized that (barring the unusual) nothing will significantly change between now and the end of the year. Nor should it I suppose: Na Clann are in school, any job change at this point may muck up any bonus or promotion I would get (and would not get me anywhere else), and we're not necessarily in a position to go anywhere at the moment.
I've also continued to roll around this concept of building brick by brick - it was Brian Tracy (I believe) that said "Most people overestimate what they can do in one year, but most people underestimate what they can do in five years". I need to be a little more conscious about the decisions I am making and where I am headed.
Some of this work (I think) will involve a conscious process of reviewing and setting my goals. Some of this will involve re-reading the books I have (or in some cases, buying more - Yay!). Some of this will involve writing. Some will simply involve trying to realign my life in terms of direction and time spent on activities.
But my intent in this pause is to enter 2011 and beyond with a clear sense of who I am and where I am going. If I've got those bricks, I need to have that plan to build with.
As I am trying to think through where we are and where we're going, I realized that (barring the unusual) nothing will significantly change between now and the end of the year. Nor should it I suppose: Na Clann are in school, any job change at this point may muck up any bonus or promotion I would get (and would not get me anywhere else), and we're not necessarily in a position to go anywhere at the moment.
I've also continued to roll around this concept of building brick by brick - it was Brian Tracy (I believe) that said "Most people overestimate what they can do in one year, but most people underestimate what they can do in five years". I need to be a little more conscious about the decisions I am making and where I am headed.
Some of this work (I think) will involve a conscious process of reviewing and setting my goals. Some of this will involve re-reading the books I have (or in some cases, buying more - Yay!). Some of this will involve writing. Some will simply involve trying to realign my life in terms of direction and time spent on activities.
But my intent in this pause is to enter 2011 and beyond with a clear sense of who I am and where I am going. If I've got those bricks, I need to have that plan to build with.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
War
"Repay no-one evil for evil." - Romans 12:17
I am fighting having to go to war.
It is not a war I intended to have but it is one which I have seen brewing for some months now. In a way, I suppose it has been a process of self-concealation from myself, an acknowledged closing of my own eyes in hopes that peace and amiability could be maintained. This hope seems to be rapidly receding in the distance, and as Aragorn says to King Theoden in The Two Towers "War already marches upon your land."
What's a Christian to do?
This is where I always come into conflict with myself. On one hand I am commanded as above, "Repay no-one evil for evil" and "If it is possible, so much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18). On the other hand, there is the knowledge of being in the right and having to consistently take one "for the team" to preserve peace, let alone a constant guessing game of what support will come.
So really the question I'm asking is how, in modern social milieus, does a Christian fight? How does one stand up for what is the right, even if it calls for brutal infighting and still maintain one's witness? Is it as simple as conducting one's self in as Christlike as possible ("Be angry but sin not") while battling as hard as possible? Is it possible that in some cases winning is truly the more critical event (I don't think so, but it is worth considering)? Do I just fade from sight and let others live out the consequences of their actions? Or as Sun Tzu says "Anciently the skillful warriors first made themselves invincible and awaited the enemy's moment of vulnerability"?
How does one preserve a witness and prepare for these things at the same time?
I am fighting having to go to war.
It is not a war I intended to have but it is one which I have seen brewing for some months now. In a way, I suppose it has been a process of self-concealation from myself, an acknowledged closing of my own eyes in hopes that peace and amiability could be maintained. This hope seems to be rapidly receding in the distance, and as Aragorn says to King Theoden in The Two Towers "War already marches upon your land."
What's a Christian to do?
This is where I always come into conflict with myself. On one hand I am commanded as above, "Repay no-one evil for evil" and "If it is possible, so much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18). On the other hand, there is the knowledge of being in the right and having to consistently take one "for the team" to preserve peace, let alone a constant guessing game of what support will come.
So really the question I'm asking is how, in modern social milieus, does a Christian fight? How does one stand up for what is the right, even if it calls for brutal infighting and still maintain one's witness? Is it as simple as conducting one's self in as Christlike as possible ("Be angry but sin not") while battling as hard as possible? Is it possible that in some cases winning is truly the more critical event (I don't think so, but it is worth considering)? Do I just fade from sight and let others live out the consequences of their actions? Or as Sun Tzu says "Anciently the skillful warriors first made themselves invincible and awaited the enemy's moment of vulnerability"?
How does one preserve a witness and prepare for these things at the same time?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Bricks and Plans
The imagery of bricks hung around with me all day after my posting.
As I went through my day: work, driving home, being with An Teaglach, going about my activities for the evening - I realized that there really was not a question of great strides of change (although those do happen - I know that better than anyone), but rather than using the our daily lives - our "bricks" - to build towards the events and goals of our lives.
But in building a plan is required. Bricks by themselves do not form themselves into anything (except a pile, of course). And perhaps that is where I have consistently fallen down - not potentially in the activity, but in the plan that activity is supposed to serve. These are, of course, otherwise known as goals.
Why do I have problems setting goals? Because in a sense goals bind you: they put you on one path and exclude others and I have always valued my options to act. Unfortunately you reach a point where by maintaining the options to act, you lose the ability to do anything because you haven't focused, which is where I seem to find myself in so many ways now.
The other problem is simply deciding which set of goals to set. There are plenty of guidances available for types of goals, categories of goals - but I am always dogged by the idea that there are goals I should set, rather than one's I want to set. So maybe that's the root cause I need to address.
How are your bricks? Do you have a plan, or are they merely sitting in a pile waiting to be used?
As I went through my day: work, driving home, being with An Teaglach, going about my activities for the evening - I realized that there really was not a question of great strides of change (although those do happen - I know that better than anyone), but rather than using the our daily lives - our "bricks" - to build towards the events and goals of our lives.
But in building a plan is required. Bricks by themselves do not form themselves into anything (except a pile, of course). And perhaps that is where I have consistently fallen down - not potentially in the activity, but in the plan that activity is supposed to serve. These are, of course, otherwise known as goals.
Why do I have problems setting goals? Because in a sense goals bind you: they put you on one path and exclude others and I have always valued my options to act. Unfortunately you reach a point where by maintaining the options to act, you lose the ability to do anything because you haven't focused, which is where I seem to find myself in so many ways now.
The other problem is simply deciding which set of goals to set. There are plenty of guidances available for types of goals, categories of goals - but I am always dogged by the idea that there are goals I should set, rather than one's I want to set. So maybe that's the root cause I need to address.
How are your bricks? Do you have a plan, or are they merely sitting in a pile waiting to be used?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Walls and Towers
I am struggling mightily with purpose this morning.
Purpose? I continue to smash myself headlong against the walls of my existence. There is such an inner disconnect between what I think I want to be and what I really am, of where I'd like to be and where I really am, of the relationships I am in and what I wish they were, of what I have to care about and what I really wish I could care about. This absorb my time rather than the things I wish I could absorb my time with.
But as I write this, I wonder if I'm looking in the wrong direction.
The visual I used above pictured things on the horizontal plane, a smashing of walls and breaking out into the outside into a new area. But what happens if those walls are more firmly set than I imagine. Is it possible that I should be looking up rather than out?
Up on two levels, I should imagine. On one level, my relationship with God (more often not diligent than diligent) which inevitably gives me more purpose when I concentrate on Him; on the other level, building up upon the walls which surround me rather than trying to breaking through them, a tower rather than a castle.
The reality is, barring a layoff or end of the world as I know it, most change in my life is going to be incremental at this point, not the sweeping arc of destiny that I so often imagine (and desire on some level, I suppose). That being the case, perhaps I need to deal with the fact that I am building brick by brick - or even destroying brick by brick as necessary - rather than large scale destruction and construction. It's not that nothing is going on - it's just slower (more people and animals involved now) and needs to be seen in the web of relationships that my life is encompassed by.
Can I be patient and determined with the same intensity that I am currently trying to batter things down with?
Purpose? I continue to smash myself headlong against the walls of my existence. There is such an inner disconnect between what I think I want to be and what I really am, of where I'd like to be and where I really am, of the relationships I am in and what I wish they were, of what I have to care about and what I really wish I could care about. This absorb my time rather than the things I wish I could absorb my time with.
But as I write this, I wonder if I'm looking in the wrong direction.
The visual I used above pictured things on the horizontal plane, a smashing of walls and breaking out into the outside into a new area. But what happens if those walls are more firmly set than I imagine. Is it possible that I should be looking up rather than out?
Up on two levels, I should imagine. On one level, my relationship with God (more often not diligent than diligent) which inevitably gives me more purpose when I concentrate on Him; on the other level, building up upon the walls which surround me rather than trying to breaking through them, a tower rather than a castle.
The reality is, barring a layoff or end of the world as I know it, most change in my life is going to be incremental at this point, not the sweeping arc of destiny that I so often imagine (and desire on some level, I suppose). That being the case, perhaps I need to deal with the fact that I am building brick by brick - or even destroying brick by brick as necessary - rather than large scale destruction and construction. It's not that nothing is going on - it's just slower (more people and animals involved now) and needs to be seen in the web of relationships that my life is encompassed by.
Can I be patient and determined with the same intensity that I am currently trying to batter things down with?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Common Cup
I have started using the common cup at communion.
For many years - probably over 15? - I've been a "small cup" guy, possibly because that is what they offered at the churches I have attended: the small plastic cup in the holder with the wine (or juice) inside. However, the church that we attend in New Home has two options: the little cups or the common cup.
For almost 11 months I have been using the little cups - mostly out of habit. And then two Sundays ago, on a whim, I went ahead and drank out of the common cup.
I'm not going to pretend there was some kind of deep spiritual significance that occurred, or that somehow the heavens opened up. But what it did do was bring into a deeper sense of communion in the old sense of the word, community -in this case with God and the believers through the centuries that used only the common cup.
On some deep level it mirrors the development of so much of modern Western Christianity - we've stripped out the community from communion and replaced it with our own individual smaller buckets of God. God is no longer us and the community of believers but rather us and God, in a premeasured aliquoted amount with the empty container left behind. Yes I know that small cups have good sensible hygienic reasons but I think the symbolism is more profound than we care to admit.
I'm certainly not going to become hardline on the issue and may use the small cups from time to time (like illness for example - although the wine my church uses would, I suspect, kill any bacteria or viruses!) and yes, I know for many churches such an option is simply not practical. But it's given me a richer experience in communion and I'm the better for it. Besides, for myself what is more important: focusing on Christ's sacrifice or how it is dispensed?
For many years - probably over 15? - I've been a "small cup" guy, possibly because that is what they offered at the churches I have attended: the small plastic cup in the holder with the wine (or juice) inside. However, the church that we attend in New Home has two options: the little cups or the common cup.
For almost 11 months I have been using the little cups - mostly out of habit. And then two Sundays ago, on a whim, I went ahead and drank out of the common cup.
I'm not going to pretend there was some kind of deep spiritual significance that occurred, or that somehow the heavens opened up. But what it did do was bring into a deeper sense of communion in the old sense of the word, community -in this case with God and the believers through the centuries that used only the common cup.
On some deep level it mirrors the development of so much of modern Western Christianity - we've stripped out the community from communion and replaced it with our own individual smaller buckets of God. God is no longer us and the community of believers but rather us and God, in a premeasured aliquoted amount with the empty container left behind. Yes I know that small cups have good sensible hygienic reasons but I think the symbolism is more profound than we care to admit.
I'm certainly not going to become hardline on the issue and may use the small cups from time to time (like illness for example - although the wine my church uses would, I suspect, kill any bacteria or viruses!) and yes, I know for many churches such an option is simply not practical. But it's given me a richer experience in communion and I'm the better for it. Besides, for myself what is more important: focusing on Christ's sacrifice or how it is dispensed?
No Brakes
Yet another vivid dream...
So I am at work with my most recent set of coworkers - yet strangely, I am in the building from my first job where I entered the industry, up to and including going into the room where I started with the glasswashers, oven, and autoclaves present. My current boss is there - he hands me a stack of papers with registrations that need to submitted today while he is apparently practicing softball out the door of his office. Other coworkers as busy whisking by me on tasks, carrying papers or going to lunch, all apparently not talking to me in the pursuit of their tasks. I pass a series of office mailboxes; it looks like they have not been used in a long time ("since the layoffs" my mind says) as there are only a few pieces of mail there, including an old calender with chocolate (which naturally I try to get to).
For some reason I decide I have to leave (it's not quitting time, apparently). As I go to exit I am suddenly not in either New Home or the original location of my job but in Seattle (always Seattle in these dreams) driving down frontage roads.. As I start to drive home, I suddenly realize that I can't seem to brake my car. I look down - there's the brake pedal, it presses down and up - but when I try to engage it driving home all that happens is that I press it to the floor. I either continue to hit green lights or blast through yellow ones as I roll home.
Apparently this is concerning enough that I turn around and go to back to work - although not so concerning that once I am there, I offer to give a coworker a ride home. Again with the hills, the brakes not working. She is obviously getting a little uncomfortable because I am continuing to drive around, not necessarily the direction of home over hills and through tunnels, trying to reduce my speed. I manage to coast the car to a stop on an uphill run into a residential neighborhood and explain to her the difficulties that I'm having, that it's not that I'm some sort of sexual predator (no idea why this comes up) but that my brakes are simply not working. I point down to the floor, show her the pedal and that it is not doing anything. She thanks me, says it wasn't really a concern and that this reminds her of a phrase they were going to put on their website which she then recites (but I can't understand the language), but that she would rather go ahead and call her husband and have him come and get her. I at least offer to give her a ride to a location where I saw a police officer for safety. She says no big deal, it's not far and she can walk. She gets out of the car and I start it up again, ready to drive away.
And then I wake up. All I can remember is the thought "I have no brakes! I have no brakes!"
So I am at work with my most recent set of coworkers - yet strangely, I am in the building from my first job where I entered the industry, up to and including going into the room where I started with the glasswashers, oven, and autoclaves present. My current boss is there - he hands me a stack of papers with registrations that need to submitted today while he is apparently practicing softball out the door of his office. Other coworkers as busy whisking by me on tasks, carrying papers or going to lunch, all apparently not talking to me in the pursuit of their tasks. I pass a series of office mailboxes; it looks like they have not been used in a long time ("since the layoffs" my mind says) as there are only a few pieces of mail there, including an old calender with chocolate (which naturally I try to get to).
For some reason I decide I have to leave (it's not quitting time, apparently). As I go to exit I am suddenly not in either New Home or the original location of my job but in Seattle (always Seattle in these dreams) driving down frontage roads.. As I start to drive home, I suddenly realize that I can't seem to brake my car. I look down - there's the brake pedal, it presses down and up - but when I try to engage it driving home all that happens is that I press it to the floor. I either continue to hit green lights or blast through yellow ones as I roll home.
Apparently this is concerning enough that I turn around and go to back to work - although not so concerning that once I am there, I offer to give a coworker a ride home. Again with the hills, the brakes not working. She is obviously getting a little uncomfortable because I am continuing to drive around, not necessarily the direction of home over hills and through tunnels, trying to reduce my speed. I manage to coast the car to a stop on an uphill run into a residential neighborhood and explain to her the difficulties that I'm having, that it's not that I'm some sort of sexual predator (no idea why this comes up) but that my brakes are simply not working. I point down to the floor, show her the pedal and that it is not doing anything. She thanks me, says it wasn't really a concern and that this reminds her of a phrase they were going to put on their website which she then recites (but I can't understand the language), but that she would rather go ahead and call her husband and have him come and get her. I at least offer to give her a ride to a location where I saw a police officer for safety. She says no big deal, it's not far and she can walk. She gets out of the car and I start it up again, ready to drive away.
And then I wake up. All I can remember is the thought "I have no brakes! I have no brakes!"
Friday, August 20, 2010
Windows
"Opportunities are like windows. They open and close, sometimes quite quickly." - Brian Tracy, Victory
Once not so long ago, a somewhat younger (but quite ebullient ) me made the radical comment "You know, opportunities are everywhere you look. You just have to see them." A somewhat older, less ebullient me might still believe that now, but it seems that I have a harder time seeing them. So maybe in that sense opportunities are also like windows in the sense that they are transparent and can be seen through (and walked into) unless you are looking for them.
If that's the case, why does it feel like I am continually walking into walls with no windows?
A room without windows. What an apt description of how I feel so many days - not that the light doesn't shine in, but that it seems there are no windows to look out of. But the light is coming in, so there must be windows somewhere. Though as the quote says above, they open and close - somtimes with surprising speed, so that I may never recognize that they were ever there.
How do I see these windows of opportunity? Where are they in my life? What am I missing?
Once not so long ago, a somewhat younger (but quite ebullient ) me made the radical comment "You know, opportunities are everywhere you look. You just have to see them." A somewhat older, less ebullient me might still believe that now, but it seems that I have a harder time seeing them. So maybe in that sense opportunities are also like windows in the sense that they are transparent and can be seen through (and walked into) unless you are looking for them.
If that's the case, why does it feel like I am continually walking into walls with no windows?
A room without windows. What an apt description of how I feel so many days - not that the light doesn't shine in, but that it seems there are no windows to look out of. But the light is coming in, so there must be windows somewhere. Though as the quote says above, they open and close - somtimes with surprising speed, so that I may never recognize that they were ever there.
How do I see these windows of opportunity? Where are they in my life? What am I missing?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Making Most of Myself
"Each character is placed in a setting by a novelist; each expands or contracts his part through the choices he makes. Play your part gladly, but do not waste your time trying to make your role more important. The more a player in a drama elevates his part, the less he fulfills it. And the less is written of him in the Book, no matter how much has been written in the Shadowlands." - Marcus, Edge of Eternity (Randy Alcorn)
There are times when I tend to want to grasp responsibility and power, accrue them to myself because (gosh darn it) I deserve it: I'm talented, intelligent, simply wasted in my current position and life. I could be doing great things; instead I feel like I am doing little things that serve no purpose.
The above passage from Edge of Eternity was a good reminder as I re-read the book that I need to focus less on trying to make my role in life more important and simply live out my role in life. It's not that it doesn't mean that I can't do greater things or make a larger difference; what it does mean is it should be a natural progression, not a constant spotlight focused on me saying "Hey, look at what I'm doing! I deserve your attention!".
It's a version of the "You can only focus on one thing at a time." If I focus on drawing attention to me and what I'm doing, this typically detracts from performing my job whereas if I simply do my job (be that in career, family, personal or life), my role will typically increase if for no other reason than I am doing my task competently (let alone any eternal implications!).
So where will my time and attention be today: on making my role important or simply doing the role I have? Perhaps more importantly, what has the greater benefit?
There are times when I tend to want to grasp responsibility and power, accrue them to myself because (gosh darn it) I deserve it: I'm talented, intelligent, simply wasted in my current position and life. I could be doing great things; instead I feel like I am doing little things that serve no purpose.
The above passage from Edge of Eternity was a good reminder as I re-read the book that I need to focus less on trying to make my role in life more important and simply live out my role in life. It's not that it doesn't mean that I can't do greater things or make a larger difference; what it does mean is it should be a natural progression, not a constant spotlight focused on me saying "Hey, look at what I'm doing! I deserve your attention!".
It's a version of the "You can only focus on one thing at a time." If I focus on drawing attention to me and what I'm doing, this typically detracts from performing my job whereas if I simply do my job (be that in career, family, personal or life), my role will typically increase if for no other reason than I am doing my task competently (let alone any eternal implications!).
So where will my time and attention be today: on making my role important or simply doing the role I have? Perhaps more importantly, what has the greater benefit?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Blast From The Past
An Bohemianach seems to think I have some issues regarding my rant this morning. It reminded me of an oldie but goodie here.
A Rant
(Rant on)
I had my first rogue poster on Facebook today.
"Lose weight now with this amazing product! I can't believe how much it did for me! You should try it too!"
I sat there and looked at it as I scrolled through the postings - at first unbelieving, then with a growing sense of offense. This is my page, the page my friends (mostly) and business colleagues (possibly) look at - and this guy thinks it's okay to post junk mail?
It seems to me (after I calmed down and removed him from the list) that this in a microcosm is yet another ill of electronic society: the concept that I can do or say virtually anything I want because I am the most important thing on the planet.
The difference between physical communication and electronic communication is that physical communication (i.e. communication in the presence of another) gives context and body language. Few people would think of blurting out something completely off topic in the middle of conversation - they would be looked at, ignored, and the conversation would continue on. However, electronic communication does not have the same feedback loop: I can post something or send you a junk e-mail and even though you delete it immediately, it still takes time and effort on your part - and the poster feels pretty good, like they've done something.
Where does this come from? This inane notion that what I have to say or do is so important that I will overstretch the bounds of good taste and manners because it's all about me (and my product, service, opinion, etc.). Of course you delete it - it's more important that I get attention to myself. What, expect restraint or good manners of me? Ridiculous. My berry-cobbler-juice- mix will help you lose weight (and, by the way, help me to make money) - It's amazing!
And so friends, as I leave you, be sure to try out Toirdhealbheach Beucail's Amazing Blend of Wisanity (it's wisdom - and insanity!). It's good for you, it's environmentally friendly, it will help you lose weight, improves your dating life, clears your skin, and best of all - it's absolutely free!
(And, all the words are properly spelled. Rant off.)
I had my first rogue poster on Facebook today.
"Lose weight now with this amazing product! I can't believe how much it did for me! You should try it too!"
I sat there and looked at it as I scrolled through the postings - at first unbelieving, then with a growing sense of offense. This is my page, the page my friends (mostly) and business colleagues (possibly) look at - and this guy thinks it's okay to post junk mail?
It seems to me (after I calmed down and removed him from the list) that this in a microcosm is yet another ill of electronic society: the concept that I can do or say virtually anything I want because I am the most important thing on the planet.
The difference between physical communication and electronic communication is that physical communication (i.e. communication in the presence of another) gives context and body language. Few people would think of blurting out something completely off topic in the middle of conversation - they would be looked at, ignored, and the conversation would continue on. However, electronic communication does not have the same feedback loop: I can post something or send you a junk e-mail and even though you delete it immediately, it still takes time and effort on your part - and the poster feels pretty good, like they've done something.
Where does this come from? This inane notion that what I have to say or do is so important that I will overstretch the bounds of good taste and manners because it's all about me (and my product, service, opinion, etc.). Of course you delete it - it's more important that I get attention to myself. What, expect restraint or good manners of me? Ridiculous. My berry-cobbler-juice- mix will help you lose weight (and, by the way, help me to make money) - It's amazing!
And so friends, as I leave you, be sure to try out Toirdhealbheach Beucail's Amazing Blend of Wisanity (it's wisdom - and insanity!). It's good for you, it's environmentally friendly, it will help you lose weight, improves your dating life, clears your skin, and best of all - it's absolutely free!
(And, all the words are properly spelled. Rant off.)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Support Your Local Personality Stand
Another rejection e-mail last night.
I've almost become accustomed to the sense that where I am now is where I am going to be for a while - if for no other reason, to have a career in this economy is a good thing at all. I've managed to take the edge off the concept that a rejection is not a rejection of me or my skills per se, but rather the fact that there are simply a good many number of people out there seeking employment.
Within that framework, I'm attempting to address the fact of "What am I supposed to be doing now?" I'm trying to work with the model of "bloom where you are planted" and "work with what you have" - a sort of personal life "Small/local is beautiful" theory or "Support your local farmer". So based on that, what do I have?
If I go through and make the list, I find that I have much of what I had back in Old Home - in some ways different (less family immediately near, for example) but not significantly the changed. I have some new things as well: a new location, a new set of coworkers and job field, a new church. I also have a new set of time, which is conveniently been given to me by the move, not directly owning a house, and having that extended family far enough away that regular visits are not an option.
So if God has shaken my hand loose on one side, what has He put in the other? And what am I to do with it?
I've almost become accustomed to the sense that where I am now is where I am going to be for a while - if for no other reason, to have a career in this economy is a good thing at all. I've managed to take the edge off the concept that a rejection is not a rejection of me or my skills per se, but rather the fact that there are simply a good many number of people out there seeking employment.
Within that framework, I'm attempting to address the fact of "What am I supposed to be doing now?" I'm trying to work with the model of "bloom where you are planted" and "work with what you have" - a sort of personal life "Small/local is beautiful" theory or "Support your local farmer". So based on that, what do I have?
If I go through and make the list, I find that I have much of what I had back in Old Home - in some ways different (less family immediately near, for example) but not significantly the changed. I have some new things as well: a new location, a new set of coworkers and job field, a new church. I also have a new set of time, which is conveniently been given to me by the move, not directly owning a house, and having that extended family far enough away that regular visits are not an option.
So if God has shaken my hand loose on one side, what has He put in the other? And what am I to do with it?
Monday, August 16, 2010
Off The Treadmill
I've had yesterday's post hanging over my mind since I wrote it, wondering if it was too bold or definitive or an overstatement of what I'm feeling right now. I decided not, as the more that I thought about the more I kept coming back to "Yes, that just about sums it up."
The feeling that I got yesterday after writing the post was the sense of being on a treadmill which is moving, but really going nowhere. So the question, I suppose, is how do I get off the treadmill and get on to a path which is actually going somewhere.
That presumes of course that 1) One is looking for the path and 2) Once one finds the path, one will take it.
But am I looking for that path? Or am I intent on following paths of my own choosing, paths that really just lead me back to the treadmill rather than actually having me walk further down it? If God has determined the way for me to go, what does the fact that I constantly seem to shy away from that path say about me?
I have tried (O Lord have I tried) to constantly negotiate with Him my path within His will, figuring out what would be the best way for me to serve Him instead of listening to what He had for me. I don't know that I did any permanent damage trying this approach but I certainly failed: failed to get to seminary (two times), failed to move into leadership, failed to become the teacher I hoped I would. Every vision I had of how I would serve Him and what I would do for Him failed - and even after those paths ended, there was the other visions of great things I would do as a layman. Those too seemed to fade away, falling faster and faster out of my hands until Old Home became New Home and those dreams seemed to be pulled away as well.
But every path is not blocked. There is at least one open - the one off of the treadmill. I would ask if I could find it, but the reality is it is probably already wide open before my eyes. Is it a question of I can't see it - or that I won't? "Can't" means that it is beyond my ability; "Won't" means that I am voluntarily choosing not to. And if it is "Won't" is it because it is a thing of true fear, or simply because it does not match what my own estimation of what I should be and should be doing?
Am I tired enough of hopelessness, of activity without motion, that I am willing to submit myself to the path laid before me? Or will my pride keep me rigidly in place, hoping that if I just run all the faster the treadmill will suddenly break off and I'll be moving?
The feeling that I got yesterday after writing the post was the sense of being on a treadmill which is moving, but really going nowhere. So the question, I suppose, is how do I get off the treadmill and get on to a path which is actually going somewhere.
That presumes of course that 1) One is looking for the path and 2) Once one finds the path, one will take it.
But am I looking for that path? Or am I intent on following paths of my own choosing, paths that really just lead me back to the treadmill rather than actually having me walk further down it? If God has determined the way for me to go, what does the fact that I constantly seem to shy away from that path say about me?
I have tried (O Lord have I tried) to constantly negotiate with Him my path within His will, figuring out what would be the best way for me to serve Him instead of listening to what He had for me. I don't know that I did any permanent damage trying this approach but I certainly failed: failed to get to seminary (two times), failed to move into leadership, failed to become the teacher I hoped I would. Every vision I had of how I would serve Him and what I would do for Him failed - and even after those paths ended, there was the other visions of great things I would do as a layman. Those too seemed to fade away, falling faster and faster out of my hands until Old Home became New Home and those dreams seemed to be pulled away as well.
But every path is not blocked. There is at least one open - the one off of the treadmill. I would ask if I could find it, but the reality is it is probably already wide open before my eyes. Is it a question of I can't see it - or that I won't? "Can't" means that it is beyond my ability; "Won't" means that I am voluntarily choosing not to. And if it is "Won't" is it because it is a thing of true fear, or simply because it does not match what my own estimation of what I should be and should be doing?
Am I tired enough of hopelessness, of activity without motion, that I am willing to submit myself to the path laid before me? Or will my pride keep me rigidly in place, hoping that if I just run all the faster the treadmill will suddenly break off and I'll be moving?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Hopelessness
Another moment of epiphany this morning.
I was mulling over yesterday, as I walked through the hot and humid day of New Home enjoying our semi-local Animal Theme Park, about the fact that even though it was a weekend and I was spending the day with An Teaglach, I was not really all that happy. Not really unhappy mind you; just not all that happy. Heat, humidity, large crowds of people: certainly I'm not fan of any of them. But below the surface of all that was general silence of the soul: not angry, not upset, just sort of placid and soot colored.
If I thought about it, that tends to reflect my mood most days: not angry or upset, just placid and soot colored. When I get up, when I go to work, when I come home from work, when I interact with my family, when I go to bed: virtually the same.
So why is this? What explains this sort of bland melange of unenthused action and feeling?
A loss of hope.
I've lost hope - temporal hope, anyway. I've essentially lost hope that my life is going to be able to change for the better in any meaningful way.
Meaningful way? It can relate to any number of things: finances, relationships, job, goals, impact. There is just a subconscious crushing sense of the fact that no matter what I do it will make precisely no difference. It's the sense of all your efforts being poured down a hole, washed away forever.
Again, it's not depression (How well I know that feeling!). It's not despondency - although it may share some attributes of despondency in the sense of "the uselessness of further action". It's the sense that no matter what is done, it will simply make no difference.
How does one combat such a thing when it permeates the very air that one breathes? When every time you go for a day, or even a week of not thinking about it you suddenly come crashing back down to earth with the sense of "Nothing is changing, no matter what I do".
How do you soldier on in the face of a desolate landscape when your getting no closer to the edge of the desert?
I was mulling over yesterday, as I walked through the hot and humid day of New Home enjoying our semi-local Animal Theme Park, about the fact that even though it was a weekend and I was spending the day with An Teaglach, I was not really all that happy. Not really unhappy mind you; just not all that happy. Heat, humidity, large crowds of people: certainly I'm not fan of any of them. But below the surface of all that was general silence of the soul: not angry, not upset, just sort of placid and soot colored.
If I thought about it, that tends to reflect my mood most days: not angry or upset, just placid and soot colored. When I get up, when I go to work, when I come home from work, when I interact with my family, when I go to bed: virtually the same.
So why is this? What explains this sort of bland melange of unenthused action and feeling?
A loss of hope.
I've lost hope - temporal hope, anyway. I've essentially lost hope that my life is going to be able to change for the better in any meaningful way.
Meaningful way? It can relate to any number of things: finances, relationships, job, goals, impact. There is just a subconscious crushing sense of the fact that no matter what I do it will make precisely no difference. It's the sense of all your efforts being poured down a hole, washed away forever.
Again, it's not depression (How well I know that feeling!). It's not despondency - although it may share some attributes of despondency in the sense of "the uselessness of further action". It's the sense that no matter what is done, it will simply make no difference.
How does one combat such a thing when it permeates the very air that one breathes? When every time you go for a day, or even a week of not thinking about it you suddenly come crashing back down to earth with the sense of "Nothing is changing, no matter what I do".
How do you soldier on in the face of a desolate landscape when your getting no closer to the edge of the desert?
Friday, August 13, 2010
What's Love Got To Do With It?
It is remarkable to me that life is as sometimes as mysterious and repetitive as it is.
Witness: Another friend, having recently gone through a divorce and with a number of children, has just rekindled a relationship with his girlfriend of almost 30 years ago. This is a thing which, if I thought about it, is too much to be believed. Ah, the power of Facebook.
Love is an odd thing. I've now in my mid-forties, and I've yet to really understand it. Some of the mysteries which I think may be esoteric:
1) What happens to the true romantic over time? At what point does that get crushed out in the word in which we live and the circumstances we confront?
2) How is it we can instantly be back in love with people we've not seen for years, while we too often sputter with the people we have been with for years?
3) What is love really? If it's a verb instead of a noun, how do prevent it from becoming a duty? And if it's a noun instead of a verb, how do you practice it?
4) How is it that people that are together have such different interpretations of what love is and how it is practiced?
5) Given hopelessly romantic me of 30 years ago or experienced, tired and exasperated (but responsible) me of today, which would I truly rather be?
All pretty questions of course and probably worth the thought I will give them on my way to work. But maybe, just for today, I'll revel in the fact that somewhere love is still working in it's mysterious way: beyond time, beyond reason, beyond geography.
Because in the end, it's sort of difficult to logically explain it anyway.
Witness: Another friend, having recently gone through a divorce and with a number of children, has just rekindled a relationship with his girlfriend of almost 30 years ago. This is a thing which, if I thought about it, is too much to be believed. Ah, the power of Facebook.
Love is an odd thing. I've now in my mid-forties, and I've yet to really understand it. Some of the mysteries which I think may be esoteric:
1) What happens to the true romantic over time? At what point does that get crushed out in the word in which we live and the circumstances we confront?
2) How is it we can instantly be back in love with people we've not seen for years, while we too often sputter with the people we have been with for years?
3) What is love really? If it's a verb instead of a noun, how do prevent it from becoming a duty? And if it's a noun instead of a verb, how do you practice it?
4) How is it that people that are together have such different interpretations of what love is and how it is practiced?
5) Given hopelessly romantic me of 30 years ago or experienced, tired and exasperated (but responsible) me of today, which would I truly rather be?
All pretty questions of course and probably worth the thought I will give them on my way to work. But maybe, just for today, I'll revel in the fact that somewhere love is still working in it's mysterious way: beyond time, beyond reason, beyond geography.
Because in the end, it's sort of difficult to logically explain it anyway.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Assigned and Consigned
"You are only as free as your options. You are only as free as your well-developed alternatives to whatever you are doing today. If you have only one choice, or one course of action you can take, you will start to feel trapped. You will feel locked in and out of control of your life or your situation. You will begin to experience what Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania calls 'learned helplessness'. You will feel unable to change or improve your condition. This feeling causes inordinate stress and anxiety." - Brian Tracy, Victory
The quote above resonated with me this morning as I thought over yesterday; surely as night follows day, the minute I say I am almost enjoying my life, I get whacked upside the head.
I can't say I didn't try. I went to work buoyed up with the thought that "Life is really okay". I went through most of the day thinking the same thing, or at least trying to think it. And then, around 4:00, I got double blindsided: on the one hand, I found out that yet another project has suddenly become my responsibility; on the other, I found out that someone unexpected was leaving.
And how does this equate into the quote above, you ask? Simple: in one case, the individual has options which they are going to exercise because they can; on the other hand, I received another (thankless) task because the fact of the matter is I have no other options based on my personal situation than to accept the work with a smile (real or feigned, it matters not).
It's a terrible thing, this concept of "learned helplessness". It drains energy and optimism and leaves in its wake cynicism and the dull roar of depression. It's one thing to say it is better to try and fail than to never try; it is another to live with the fact of having tried and failed and feeling as if you have just been assigned somewhere, but consigned somewhere.
"Always have options" the saying runs. However, actually having and maintaining those options is something which can be a full time job on top of the full time life one already has. But is that truly any less energy that fighting the daily battle of feeling that life cannot change and will not change?
If freedom is measured in options, how free are you? What are your options? How can you get more?
The quote above resonated with me this morning as I thought over yesterday; surely as night follows day, the minute I say I am almost enjoying my life, I get whacked upside the head.
I can't say I didn't try. I went to work buoyed up with the thought that "Life is really okay". I went through most of the day thinking the same thing, or at least trying to think it. And then, around 4:00, I got double blindsided: on the one hand, I found out that yet another project has suddenly become my responsibility; on the other, I found out that someone unexpected was leaving.
And how does this equate into the quote above, you ask? Simple: in one case, the individual has options which they are going to exercise because they can; on the other hand, I received another (thankless) task because the fact of the matter is I have no other options based on my personal situation than to accept the work with a smile (real or feigned, it matters not).
It's a terrible thing, this concept of "learned helplessness". It drains energy and optimism and leaves in its wake cynicism and the dull roar of depression. It's one thing to say it is better to try and fail than to never try; it is another to live with the fact of having tried and failed and feeling as if you have just been assigned somewhere, but consigned somewhere.
"Always have options" the saying runs. However, actually having and maintaining those options is something which can be a full time job on top of the full time life one already has. But is that truly any less energy that fighting the daily battle of feeling that life cannot change and will not change?
If freedom is measured in options, how free are you? What are your options? How can you get more?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Past as Present
There are moments when I almost find I am enjoying my life.
"Good Lord", I scream to myself silently. "Where is this coming from? This is not supposed to be my life as it was going to happen."
It's odd - in approximately 10 years, we have come fully circle in some many areas of our life - financial, employment, relationships. The multiplicity of children is something that had not been intended or anticipated, I suppose (nor for that matter, the increase in the rabbit population here) - but other than that, we seem to be right back where we were in 2000.
I'd argue that's not a good thing for a number of the implications that it carries - and in some ways it is probably not - but in other ways it's not so surprisingly bad.
My job is not ideal - but I have great coworkers. The church we currently attend is not like the one we used to attend - but our family all gets to go together. We don't own our house- but it's bigger and there's a room for everyone and a yard for the dog and in the event we have to move in the future, we don't have to worry about selling it. Certainly my industry knowledge far surpasses where it was 10 years ago. I'm writing regularly now in a semi-public forum - something that was definitely not happening 10 years ago. And I have a wonderful expanded family - something that was dimly forseen (if at all) 10 years ago.
So what have I got to grumble about?
If I've got problems in my life, it's up to me to make them better: if it's work that is not working, I need to fix it (and maybe the company if it comes to that); if it's finances, then it's up to me to make the money; if I'm not doing what I want to be doing, it's up to me to find a way to make it happen.
It's the past as present - except in surprising ways, much better.
"Good Lord", I scream to myself silently. "Where is this coming from? This is not supposed to be my life as it was going to happen."
It's odd - in approximately 10 years, we have come fully circle in some many areas of our life - financial, employment, relationships. The multiplicity of children is something that had not been intended or anticipated, I suppose (nor for that matter, the increase in the rabbit population here) - but other than that, we seem to be right back where we were in 2000.
I'd argue that's not a good thing for a number of the implications that it carries - and in some ways it is probably not - but in other ways it's not so surprisingly bad.
My job is not ideal - but I have great coworkers. The church we currently attend is not like the one we used to attend - but our family all gets to go together. We don't own our house- but it's bigger and there's a room for everyone and a yard for the dog and in the event we have to move in the future, we don't have to worry about selling it. Certainly my industry knowledge far surpasses where it was 10 years ago. I'm writing regularly now in a semi-public forum - something that was definitely not happening 10 years ago. And I have a wonderful expanded family - something that was dimly forseen (if at all) 10 years ago.
So what have I got to grumble about?
If I've got problems in my life, it's up to me to make them better: if it's work that is not working, I need to fix it (and maybe the company if it comes to that); if it's finances, then it's up to me to make the money; if I'm not doing what I want to be doing, it's up to me to find a way to make it happen.
It's the past as present - except in surprising ways, much better.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
To Cherish and Rationalize
"...the Psalmist said, 'If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear.' (Psalm 66:18). To regard wickedness is to cherish some sin, to love it to the extent that I am not willing to part with it. I know it is there, yet I justify it in some way like the child who says, 'Well, he hit me first.'" - Jerry Bridges, The Pursuit of Holiness
The heart is a tricky thing, especially with sin. It can hold on to things and provide every justification about why they are in fact not sin; it can rationalize and protest and reason every day for the rest of one's life about why certain sins must be maintained at all costs - even at the cost of a relationship with God.
My personal favorite is the "If I don't do it this way, it won't happen" school of thought. "If I don't imagine about X, there will be none of it in my life - and after all, everyone needs X in their life." How many times have I veered into places I never should have gone, simply because of this argument?
The reality is this, like many other arguments for sin, is a false choice. In one sense it is true - if I don't do something some ways, they won't happen. The question really should be "If I don't do this, will I really miss it?" This moves the question a step beyond, from debating how to do something to the more fundamental question of whether it should be done in the first place.
And certainly there are plenty of things that need not be done at all by their nature - especially when measuring the cost overall. It's like the addict who cannot give up the thing they are addicted to, even to the extent of destroying everything around them. We cluck our tongues and say "That's a shame when someone is so addicted to something so bad for them" - yet given the same circumstances with our own sins and areas of weakness, we somehow fail to make the connection in our own lives. If the addict cannot give up an addiction for this life, how pathetic are we who cannot give up an addiction (often not a physical craving) for eternity?
When I say "we", I mean "me". I am the foremost offender in this, holding onto things I should have jettisoned long ago, justifying my own failings in the guise of something being better than nothing. Is that always true? Or are there some nothings that are better than somethings?
Perhaps it is time - finally time - to hew down the altars and high places in my own life, to determine that I will no longer sacrifice at altars which are not God's.
Scary? Sure - I say this now but that "If I don't do it this way it will never happen" roars to the forefront, and given my penchant for wanting to do something noble and great and seeing my life in comparison, the temptation will be strong. But - and here's the question - if I don't do things that way, do I then open up another option for God to move those things in and through my life?
Of course if I don't do it, I'll never know.
The heart is a tricky thing, especially with sin. It can hold on to things and provide every justification about why they are in fact not sin; it can rationalize and protest and reason every day for the rest of one's life about why certain sins must be maintained at all costs - even at the cost of a relationship with God.
My personal favorite is the "If I don't do it this way, it won't happen" school of thought. "If I don't imagine about X, there will be none of it in my life - and after all, everyone needs X in their life." How many times have I veered into places I never should have gone, simply because of this argument?
The reality is this, like many other arguments for sin, is a false choice. In one sense it is true - if I don't do something some ways, they won't happen. The question really should be "If I don't do this, will I really miss it?" This moves the question a step beyond, from debating how to do something to the more fundamental question of whether it should be done in the first place.
And certainly there are plenty of things that need not be done at all by their nature - especially when measuring the cost overall. It's like the addict who cannot give up the thing they are addicted to, even to the extent of destroying everything around them. We cluck our tongues and say "That's a shame when someone is so addicted to something so bad for them" - yet given the same circumstances with our own sins and areas of weakness, we somehow fail to make the connection in our own lives. If the addict cannot give up an addiction for this life, how pathetic are we who cannot give up an addiction (often not a physical craving) for eternity?
When I say "we", I mean "me". I am the foremost offender in this, holding onto things I should have jettisoned long ago, justifying my own failings in the guise of something being better than nothing. Is that always true? Or are there some nothings that are better than somethings?
Perhaps it is time - finally time - to hew down the altars and high places in my own life, to determine that I will no longer sacrifice at altars which are not God's.
Scary? Sure - I say this now but that "If I don't do it this way it will never happen" roars to the forefront, and given my penchant for wanting to do something noble and great and seeing my life in comparison, the temptation will be strong. But - and here's the question - if I don't do things that way, do I then open up another option for God to move those things in and through my life?
Of course if I don't do it, I'll never know.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Reverence
As part of my attempt to memorize more Scripture, I have been working on the book of Titus (it's three chapters or about 50 verses, something I think even I can handle). In the course of working my way through Chapter 2 (in which Paul is dealing with personal behaviors of various age groups) I came across a series of repeated commands to be reverent.
Titus 2:2 : "that the older men be sober, reverent..."
Titus 2:3 : "the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior...
Titus 2:7 : "in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility;..."
In Scripture (as in life), things that are repeated are meant to be emphasized. So what is Paul driving at?
To our old friend Merriam-Webster:
Reverent: "Expressing or characterized by reverence; worshipful."
Okay, let's try reverence.
Reverence: "Honor or respect felt or shown; deference; profound adoring awe or respect."
Ah, there it is then: honor, respect, deference, profound adoring awe or respect.
So why would Paul have felt it necessary to insure that three of the four groups he addressed be instructed to demonstrate this? It would seem obvious: they were a group that did not understand what reverence meant.
But we are generally no different. We are not typically a reverent culture as Western Civilization, or (for the most part) a reverent religious people as Christians. There are very few things that are shown the deep honor and respect that reverence entails in our culture; in most cases such things have become flash points between two groups.
But the more alarming part (at least for me as a Christian) is that we don't show reverence to God. We have moved from the concept of God as other than that of what we are to the idea of God as something which is similar to what we are, only better; from Luther's picture of the absurdity of a small thing addressing the Creator of the Universe (and sometimes, yelling at Him) to God as the fulfiller of our plans and, if you will, our "buddy".
Give yourself a test: when was the last time you heard God or the things of God spoken of with reverence? Even more damning, when was the last time you spoke of God or the things of God with reverence? We should expect the world to do so but do we as Christians also not do so?
If I had to take a stab at the core of the matter, it's because we have lost the impact of our salvation and our own lostness. Perhaps we treat salvation as more of a good thing that God has done for us rather than the eternity altering act that it was; perhaps because we make God in our own image rather than letting Him be who He is and conforming our understanding to that. In either case, we try to make God accessible to our finite minds and thus lose His majesty and greatness.
If we proclaim God as being great and awesome but treat Him practically like just another friend or a hobby, how can we expect others to take us (or Him) seriously?
In a world of irreverence, reverence will be noticed. Let us be known for reverence with which we treat God, not for our ability to bring God to our level.
Titus 2:2 : "that the older men be sober, reverent..."
Titus 2:3 : "the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior...
Titus 2:7 : "in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility;..."
In Scripture (as in life), things that are repeated are meant to be emphasized. So what is Paul driving at?
To our old friend Merriam-Webster:
Reverent: "Expressing or characterized by reverence; worshipful."
Okay, let's try reverence.
Reverence: "Honor or respect felt or shown; deference; profound adoring awe or respect."
Ah, there it is then: honor, respect, deference, profound adoring awe or respect.
So why would Paul have felt it necessary to insure that three of the four groups he addressed be instructed to demonstrate this? It would seem obvious: they were a group that did not understand what reverence meant.
But we are generally no different. We are not typically a reverent culture as Western Civilization, or (for the most part) a reverent religious people as Christians. There are very few things that are shown the deep honor and respect that reverence entails in our culture; in most cases such things have become flash points between two groups.
But the more alarming part (at least for me as a Christian) is that we don't show reverence to God. We have moved from the concept of God as other than that of what we are to the idea of God as something which is similar to what we are, only better; from Luther's picture of the absurdity of a small thing addressing the Creator of the Universe (and sometimes, yelling at Him) to God as the fulfiller of our plans and, if you will, our "buddy".
Give yourself a test: when was the last time you heard God or the things of God spoken of with reverence? Even more damning, when was the last time you spoke of God or the things of God with reverence? We should expect the world to do so but do we as Christians also not do so?
If I had to take a stab at the core of the matter, it's because we have lost the impact of our salvation and our own lostness. Perhaps we treat salvation as more of a good thing that God has done for us rather than the eternity altering act that it was; perhaps because we make God in our own image rather than letting Him be who He is and conforming our understanding to that. In either case, we try to make God accessible to our finite minds and thus lose His majesty and greatness.
If we proclaim God as being great and awesome but treat Him practically like just another friend or a hobby, how can we expect others to take us (or Him) seriously?
In a world of irreverence, reverence will be noticed. Let us be known for reverence with which we treat God, not for our ability to bring God to our level.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Online and Time
As part of the periodic nostalgia to which I seem prone from time to time, I decided to try my hand at one of the Online Role Playing Games. I've always been fascinated by the concept since it came out but never wanted to do so; now, with some opportunities for free play available, I thought it would be interesting to try.
It was extremely cool, the very thing that my imagination was longing for all those years. To visually see a world other than this, to visually immerse myself in an adventure, to see the characters and things that had wandered my imagination for years, was a treat indeed.
But as I continued to play, I realized that there was one significant problem: time.
Playing online, like everything else, takes time. And in role playing games, sometimes you lose. The nice thing is that you are never really "gone"; you just come back and have to start over.
But one thing doesn't come back: the time. The time spent playing these games is lost, passing in the breeze. And if you're not careful, you'll find 3 hours have slipped away and you have done nothing but have to go back to the beginning and redo the whole thing.
It's a game. I understand that completely. At the same time, this is a game that I played (in old fashioned paper and imagination!) many years ago, a concept of game that many people continue to play now - so even if the medium is different, the lesson is the same.
The lesson is simply that if for no other reasons, these things teach terrible lessons about time and the way life works.
They teach that that there is a dichotomy that exists between reality and fantasy, that one's actions can be undone and you can go back to the beginning - no harm, no foul. They also teach that time is essentially a thing which doesn't matter so much, at least as long as you're enjoying yourself.
The harsh reality - the reality of mid-forties me looking back - is that time is the thing which matters most. Yes, there's nothing wrong with enjoying one's self, but I cannot pretend that spending time on something means that there is no impact on other things in my life. Other things - critical things, meaningful things - will get pushed aside, goals will not be achieved, relationships will with and die. And unlike online games, one does not get to go back to the beginning - you have to continue forward where you are.
Will I play again? I'm not sure. Ironically, I seem unable to swallow the loss of time (for myself, dare I call it a waste?) based on all the other things I need to do and the time frames I have to do them; this world we call reality has far more to do in it than I can ever get done. It will, however, encourage me to continue to try to teach my children about the importance of time and how, once gone, it never returns. Even the memories of how we enjoyed ourselves doing these things never returns a second of the time we used to do them.
It was extremely cool, the very thing that my imagination was longing for all those years. To visually see a world other than this, to visually immerse myself in an adventure, to see the characters and things that had wandered my imagination for years, was a treat indeed.
But as I continued to play, I realized that there was one significant problem: time.
Playing online, like everything else, takes time. And in role playing games, sometimes you lose. The nice thing is that you are never really "gone"; you just come back and have to start over.
But one thing doesn't come back: the time. The time spent playing these games is lost, passing in the breeze. And if you're not careful, you'll find 3 hours have slipped away and you have done nothing but have to go back to the beginning and redo the whole thing.
It's a game. I understand that completely. At the same time, this is a game that I played (in old fashioned paper and imagination!) many years ago, a concept of game that many people continue to play now - so even if the medium is different, the lesson is the same.
The lesson is simply that if for no other reasons, these things teach terrible lessons about time and the way life works.
They teach that that there is a dichotomy that exists between reality and fantasy, that one's actions can be undone and you can go back to the beginning - no harm, no foul. They also teach that time is essentially a thing which doesn't matter so much, at least as long as you're enjoying yourself.
The harsh reality - the reality of mid-forties me looking back - is that time is the thing which matters most. Yes, there's nothing wrong with enjoying one's self, but I cannot pretend that spending time on something means that there is no impact on other things in my life. Other things - critical things, meaningful things - will get pushed aside, goals will not be achieved, relationships will with and die. And unlike online games, one does not get to go back to the beginning - you have to continue forward where you are.
Will I play again? I'm not sure. Ironically, I seem unable to swallow the loss of time (for myself, dare I call it a waste?) based on all the other things I need to do and the time frames I have to do them; this world we call reality has far more to do in it than I can ever get done. It will, however, encourage me to continue to try to teach my children about the importance of time and how, once gone, it never returns. Even the memories of how we enjoyed ourselves doing these things never returns a second of the time we used to do them.
Three More Dreams
Three more dreams - Whatever my conscious is trying to tell me, it's getting more frantic.
Dream 1) I am with someone in an area with high mountains are rolling valleys. We have a need to get down to the bottom of the valley to a road. In order to do this, we are essentially flying down the mountainside, leaping from what appear to be hovering platforms to hovering platforms. There seems to be a time element involved, because every time I am having to evaluate "Is this the right platform? Will we crash? Where do I jump next?" always with a sense of urgency.
Dream 2) I am living in a college dorm (although apparently I'm no longer in college). I have just completed attending a meeting which apparently I was responsible for setting up. As people leave, I suddenly realize that I have someone's personal items. I'm tortured by what to do, because there are no identifying features. Do I put an ad up somewhere, risking that someone will see it? Do I just leave in the lobby, hoping they will find it? Do I hold on to it, although I'll be able to do nothing with it?
Dream 3) I am living somewhere in a house which I am renting. As I am walking out with Cedric (our cat who died last year) I suddenly realize there's a rattlesnake ahead of us. It's not interested in striking but is going along the ground somewhere. As it's close to a house, I decide something has to be done, so I head back to the house. As I get ready to go in, I realize there's a second, smaller rattlesnake on the porch next to Fergus, another one of our cats that died last year. It too is not interested in striking. I grab a basket, plop it over the snake and whip it to the side as I grab the cats and head indoors.
Dream 1) I am with someone in an area with high mountains are rolling valleys. We have a need to get down to the bottom of the valley to a road. In order to do this, we are essentially flying down the mountainside, leaping from what appear to be hovering platforms to hovering platforms. There seems to be a time element involved, because every time I am having to evaluate "Is this the right platform? Will we crash? Where do I jump next?" always with a sense of urgency.
Dream 2) I am living in a college dorm (although apparently I'm no longer in college). I have just completed attending a meeting which apparently I was responsible for setting up. As people leave, I suddenly realize that I have someone's personal items. I'm tortured by what to do, because there are no identifying features. Do I put an ad up somewhere, risking that someone will see it? Do I just leave in the lobby, hoping they will find it? Do I hold on to it, although I'll be able to do nothing with it?
Dream 3) I am living somewhere in a house which I am renting. As I am walking out with Cedric (our cat who died last year) I suddenly realize there's a rattlesnake ahead of us. It's not interested in striking but is going along the ground somewhere. As it's close to a house, I decide something has to be done, so I head back to the house. As I get ready to go in, I realize there's a second, smaller rattlesnake on the porch next to Fergus, another one of our cats that died last year. It too is not interested in striking. I grab a basket, plop it over the snake and whip it to the side as I grab the cats and head indoors.
Friday, August 06, 2010
The Power of Gratitude
Yesterday another audit was wrapped up at work. The closing meeting occurred after 12 hours of document review, facility tours, walkthroughs and conversations and over 24 hours of pre-audit preparation. The auditors completed their comments and walked out the door. Documents were recovered and moved back to a holding area for further processing and return to their home.
In all of this, nobody thanked anyone.
This thing is a pestilential curse upon every relationship up and down the chain of human existence, this assumption that those that are less than us are here to serve us. The reverse does not appear to be true: when a superior of any kind performs an action or kindness, there almost always seems to be an immediate recognition and thanks. However, more often than not we fail to offer those who serve us the same thing.
The reality is that nothing in modern society gets accomplished without a great deal of moving parts from a lot of different sources. For my own example: the person who cleans the room where the audit is going to be, the person who prepares the room (coffee and water don't provide themselves!), the personnel who greet the auditors, the guides, the subject matter experts, the document retrievers and those who review the documents before they enter the room, the note takers, the re-filers of the documents once they've been used, the responders to the audit, the person who (re)cleans the room after the fact. Each and every part of this process takes people to make it happen, people who are too often presumed that this is "their job."
In one sense of course it is "their job". In another sense it is not fully their job, because very seldom is there a calling to servanthood on any job description, which these sorts of things require.
Gratitude is really recognition. It can be as simple as a "Thanks for all your hard work"; it can be as extensive as a reward of some nature. The reality is that means that someone recognizes the effort that was put into the end result - the effort that, if done correctly, makes the whole process appear seamless to those who do not know better.
Gratitude is a powerful thing, in some ways one of the most powerful social forces. It can cost nothing, so there is never an excuse about the price. It can be as simple as a sincere "Thanks for your hard work", so there is never an excuse about being too difficult. It can be short as a 10 second conversation, so there is never an excuse about the time.
Then why aren't people more grateful?
There are, I think, two reasons. The first is simply that people tend to be focused on themselves, on their needs. It is like our entire lives are in a restaurant where the purpose of everyone in the restaurant is to serve us. Personally. Most people don't acknowledge the Chip Guy, the Table Cleaner, even often the Server beyond the order giving and the perfunctory "Are you enjoying the dinner?" So often we view everyone around us as being here to serve us personally.
The second is a Freudian slip I made in typing this. Instead of typing "Gratitude is a powerful thing" I typed "Gratitude is a power thing". A slip, but I realized it's true. So often showing gratitude is used as a means of power in relationships. If I want something from you or I want you to notice me in the future or I want to indebt you to me, I will express gratitude. It is treated as the gratuity on the bill of life; I will tip you if I feel you have served me (again, that self focus) well, not necessarily if you have served well.
But then we wonder why communication breaks down, why people are less willing to help us, why the expectations in personal relationships becomes that of a third world dictatorship where a form of gratitude becomes the "grease" to get things done than an expression of sincere thanks.
Be different. Be radical. Today, thank people for what they've done, not as a tip for services rendered but out of a sincere gratefulness for other's do to make your life function. Never be stingy in that which costs nothing, takes little time, and is a simple (yet profound) part of every relationship.
In all of this, nobody thanked anyone.
This thing is a pestilential curse upon every relationship up and down the chain of human existence, this assumption that those that are less than us are here to serve us. The reverse does not appear to be true: when a superior of any kind performs an action or kindness, there almost always seems to be an immediate recognition and thanks. However, more often than not we fail to offer those who serve us the same thing.
The reality is that nothing in modern society gets accomplished without a great deal of moving parts from a lot of different sources. For my own example: the person who cleans the room where the audit is going to be, the person who prepares the room (coffee and water don't provide themselves!), the personnel who greet the auditors, the guides, the subject matter experts, the document retrievers and those who review the documents before they enter the room, the note takers, the re-filers of the documents once they've been used, the responders to the audit, the person who (re)cleans the room after the fact. Each and every part of this process takes people to make it happen, people who are too often presumed that this is "their job."
In one sense of course it is "their job". In another sense it is not fully their job, because very seldom is there a calling to servanthood on any job description, which these sorts of things require.
Gratitude is really recognition. It can be as simple as a "Thanks for all your hard work"; it can be as extensive as a reward of some nature. The reality is that means that someone recognizes the effort that was put into the end result - the effort that, if done correctly, makes the whole process appear seamless to those who do not know better.
Gratitude is a powerful thing, in some ways one of the most powerful social forces. It can cost nothing, so there is never an excuse about the price. It can be as simple as a sincere "Thanks for your hard work", so there is never an excuse about being too difficult. It can be short as a 10 second conversation, so there is never an excuse about the time.
Then why aren't people more grateful?
There are, I think, two reasons. The first is simply that people tend to be focused on themselves, on their needs. It is like our entire lives are in a restaurant where the purpose of everyone in the restaurant is to serve us. Personally. Most people don't acknowledge the Chip Guy, the Table Cleaner, even often the Server beyond the order giving and the perfunctory "Are you enjoying the dinner?" So often we view everyone around us as being here to serve us personally.
The second is a Freudian slip I made in typing this. Instead of typing "Gratitude is a powerful thing" I typed "Gratitude is a power thing". A slip, but I realized it's true. So often showing gratitude is used as a means of power in relationships. If I want something from you or I want you to notice me in the future or I want to indebt you to me, I will express gratitude. It is treated as the gratuity on the bill of life; I will tip you if I feel you have served me (again, that self focus) well, not necessarily if you have served well.
But then we wonder why communication breaks down, why people are less willing to help us, why the expectations in personal relationships becomes that of a third world dictatorship where a form of gratitude becomes the "grease" to get things done than an expression of sincere thanks.
Be different. Be radical. Today, thank people for what they've done, not as a tip for services rendered but out of a sincere gratefulness for other's do to make your life function. Never be stingy in that which costs nothing, takes little time, and is a simple (yet profound) part of every relationship.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Ungratefulness
"In 1538 on May the 26th there was a big rain. (Martin) Luther said 'Praise God. He is giving us one hundred thousand gulden worth. It is raining corn, wheat, barley, wine, cabbage, onions, grass, and milk. All our goods we get for nothing. And God sends His only begotten Son, and we crucify Him." - Martin Luther, Table Talk as quoted in Here I Stand: A Life of Martin Luther by Roland H. Bainton
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Courage
How does one gain the verve and spirit to become courageous?
I realize - in multiple parts of my life - that I have essentially developed the art of waiting for permission (or at least acceptance) prior to beginning virtually any activity that involves anyone else. It's as if I wait to get permission to act, rather than act. And from what I can see, it's both disappointing and frustrating to others - as was related to me, "Are you going to do anything, or are you going to just sit there and twitch?"
"Courage is always expressed in the willingness to go forward, to face danger, to take risks with no guarantee of success...Courage is essential to success in all activities that call for risk and daring." - Brian Tracy, Victory
This is something I need to come up with - not only for myself, but for all of those around in the situations I find myself (work and home). People are looking to me to act, to be courageous enough to take a step, to push things through.
But inside I cringe because I'm looking for approval prior to executing the action, not after it succeeds. I don't quite know where the originates from, only that if I look deep within my heart I find it to be true in situation after situation. To think myself brave - to psyche myself into acting like I should act prior to doing so - almost seems the height of fantasy or an illusion that I am knowingly trying to perform, waiting for the balloon to collapse at the first sign of opposition. It's the sensation of putting on a mask and acting unlike yourself and knowing it.
But if it feels uncomfortable (and it often does) is that valid? Or is it the fact that I am so used to acting another way that it is not that it is wrong, but that it simply is different? The two are not the same.
To wait forever for permission is to eventually lose. To go forward without the guarantee of approval is uncomfortable and sometimes risky but may entail winning once in a while.
So what is it today? Twitching - or winning?
"No great battles are ever won on the defensive." - Napoleon
I realize - in multiple parts of my life - that I have essentially developed the art of waiting for permission (or at least acceptance) prior to beginning virtually any activity that involves anyone else. It's as if I wait to get permission to act, rather than act. And from what I can see, it's both disappointing and frustrating to others - as was related to me, "Are you going to do anything, or are you going to just sit there and twitch?"
"Courage is always expressed in the willingness to go forward, to face danger, to take risks with no guarantee of success...Courage is essential to success in all activities that call for risk and daring." - Brian Tracy, Victory
This is something I need to come up with - not only for myself, but for all of those around in the situations I find myself (work and home). People are looking to me to act, to be courageous enough to take a step, to push things through.
But inside I cringe because I'm looking for approval prior to executing the action, not after it succeeds. I don't quite know where the originates from, only that if I look deep within my heart I find it to be true in situation after situation. To think myself brave - to psyche myself into acting like I should act prior to doing so - almost seems the height of fantasy or an illusion that I am knowingly trying to perform, waiting for the balloon to collapse at the first sign of opposition. It's the sensation of putting on a mask and acting unlike yourself and knowing it.
But if it feels uncomfortable (and it often does) is that valid? Or is it the fact that I am so used to acting another way that it is not that it is wrong, but that it simply is different? The two are not the same.
To wait forever for permission is to eventually lose. To go forward without the guarantee of approval is uncomfortable and sometimes risky but may entail winning once in a while.
So what is it today? Twitching - or winning?
"No great battles are ever won on the defensive." - Napoleon
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Trivia and Impact
I realized yesterday how much of our lives is spent on trivia which has no impact on either eternity or the greater good of anyone.
I realized it yesterday as I reorganized over 50 sets of records, preparing them for an audit which will perhaps look at 1/10th of them for a product that probably won't matter 10 years from now; I realized it as I spoke to Uisdean Ruadh about his new job and his specialization in hardware parts that you wouldn't even remember were in a home; I realized it as I overlooked Am Bhan Bhothemeanach as she made minor adjustments to marketing materials that will probably get glanced and and recycled more than they are read.
As we have continued to reach new heights in our 21st Century technological civilization, it has imposed on us a requirement: that as there are more moving parts to do more things, we need to have more people skillful in the subcategories of each of those moving parts to support them. As a result, we become more specialized and skillful at one part or subpart of an industry or profession, which can equal a greater ability to succeed in that profession - but if that profession goes away, more often than not nowhere else.
But this specialization also creates a second issue, perhaps the more damning one for me personally: we become more and more focused upon less and less, until we are experts in that which truly has no significance except what we infuse into it via the amount of time we spend on it.
Think on it: in your work circles, how much conversation, meetings and discussions have you had on a project that eventually died? Do you remember, as the notice comes out about that project, all the paper and effort that was poured into it, the late nights and hurried meals and time away from family and friends to make it important? Have you ever experienced the realization that something was indicated as terribly important was, by the standards of all that truly matters, worthless?
Interestingly for most of us, it is only in those "non-work" activities - be they hobbies, family time or friend time - that we begin to break away from the high degree of specialization and begin to touch on the matters that have more significance, that may have impact beyond ourselves both here on earth and in eternity. Perhaps it is because they are more broad in nature, perhaps it is because they by what they are enable us to get beyond the circle of "me" - but in gardening or changing a rabbit box or doing something with my children, I touch on things that are part of a larger picture, have greater impact, and (perhaps) can change the lives of others.
My question: Why have we allowed ourselves to be sold this concept, this inverse proposal that the trivial is important and the broad and impactful is something to be wedged into our free time? And if this is true, what do we - what do I -do about it?
I realized it yesterday as I reorganized over 50 sets of records, preparing them for an audit which will perhaps look at 1/10th of them for a product that probably won't matter 10 years from now; I realized it as I spoke to Uisdean Ruadh about his new job and his specialization in hardware parts that you wouldn't even remember were in a home; I realized it as I overlooked Am Bhan Bhothemeanach as she made minor adjustments to marketing materials that will probably get glanced and and recycled more than they are read.
As we have continued to reach new heights in our 21st Century technological civilization, it has imposed on us a requirement: that as there are more moving parts to do more things, we need to have more people skillful in the subcategories of each of those moving parts to support them. As a result, we become more specialized and skillful at one part or subpart of an industry or profession, which can equal a greater ability to succeed in that profession - but if that profession goes away, more often than not nowhere else.
But this specialization also creates a second issue, perhaps the more damning one for me personally: we become more and more focused upon less and less, until we are experts in that which truly has no significance except what we infuse into it via the amount of time we spend on it.
Think on it: in your work circles, how much conversation, meetings and discussions have you had on a project that eventually died? Do you remember, as the notice comes out about that project, all the paper and effort that was poured into it, the late nights and hurried meals and time away from family and friends to make it important? Have you ever experienced the realization that something was indicated as terribly important was, by the standards of all that truly matters, worthless?
Interestingly for most of us, it is only in those "non-work" activities - be they hobbies, family time or friend time - that we begin to break away from the high degree of specialization and begin to touch on the matters that have more significance, that may have impact beyond ourselves both here on earth and in eternity. Perhaps it is because they are more broad in nature, perhaps it is because they by what they are enable us to get beyond the circle of "me" - but in gardening or changing a rabbit box or doing something with my children, I touch on things that are part of a larger picture, have greater impact, and (perhaps) can change the lives of others.
My question: Why have we allowed ourselves to be sold this concept, this inverse proposal that the trivial is important and the broad and impactful is something to be wedged into our free time? And if this is true, what do we - what do I -do about it?
Monday, August 02, 2010
Five Dreams
Five vivid and odd dreams last night:
1) I chartered a plane (which I was flying) from Old Home to see Otis in The NW. I had two friends and Nighean Dhonn with me. We arrived there, drove around a bit (for some reason there were lots of hills), and then immediately returned to the airport to leave without seeing Otis. I enjoy the flying and am trying to get a cost of how much a plane is, but can't seem to get anyone to answer me.
2) We're still in The NW, and it's the same group that I flew up with. We are trying to find a restaurant to deliver a prize to. We get there and everyone is all but ignoring us, even though we are here to deliver an award. We finally convince someone of what we're here to do. They thank us, take the award, and disappear. Eventually, the owner finally comes out (as if they figure out we won't leave until we see her) to accept it. It's a quick thing, as apparently they are closing shop to go out and don't want to appear that they're leaving quickly but that they are; that sort of lingering around near the door in hopes that someone will get a clue that it's time to go and leave sensation.
3) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were in a taxi going to visit Otis and Buttercup in The NW. It's a van and we are sharing it with a number of other occupants, who slowly exit as we continue. Unfortunately, the driver failed to ask where we were going and I failed to provide the information. He made his last drop and asked us where we were going. When we informed him, he shrugged. "Back at the beginning?" I asked, at which he nods "yes". However, there are still more passengers so rather than return, he keeps on driving as two ladies in front of us begin to discuss the new apartments that we're driving past.
4) At my high school, a school bus is getting loaded up. Nighean Dhonn is there along with me, walking up the street towards my grandparent's house as a father and son walk by. Suddenly, the father starts pointing and talking excitedly. Here comes Nighean Dhonn down the street, driving on a riding mower. The father was agitated, shouting "pull it over, pull it over" - which she does. As later the two of us walk up the street we see the father and son looking at the mower pulled over to the side of the street.
5) We are still near the high school but it is myself and two friends (one of them is Uisdean Ruadh). It's night, but we walk up to the door to knock. We see that the lights are just turned out as if my grandfather (gone 18 years now) is apparently going to bed. We turn to go, but then the light goes on and he opens up the door. We essentially say hello, say goodbye and then he shuts the door and turns off the light.
Finis
1) I chartered a plane (which I was flying) from Old Home to see Otis in The NW. I had two friends and Nighean Dhonn with me. We arrived there, drove around a bit (for some reason there were lots of hills), and then immediately returned to the airport to leave without seeing Otis. I enjoy the flying and am trying to get a cost of how much a plane is, but can't seem to get anyone to answer me.
2) We're still in The NW, and it's the same group that I flew up with. We are trying to find a restaurant to deliver a prize to. We get there and everyone is all but ignoring us, even though we are here to deliver an award. We finally convince someone of what we're here to do. They thank us, take the award, and disappear. Eventually, the owner finally comes out (as if they figure out we won't leave until we see her) to accept it. It's a quick thing, as apparently they are closing shop to go out and don't want to appear that they're leaving quickly but that they are; that sort of lingering around near the door in hopes that someone will get a clue that it's time to go and leave sensation.
3) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were in a taxi going to visit Otis and Buttercup in The NW. It's a van and we are sharing it with a number of other occupants, who slowly exit as we continue. Unfortunately, the driver failed to ask where we were going and I failed to provide the information. He made his last drop and asked us where we were going. When we informed him, he shrugged. "Back at the beginning?" I asked, at which he nods "yes". However, there are still more passengers so rather than return, he keeps on driving as two ladies in front of us begin to discuss the new apartments that we're driving past.
4) At my high school, a school bus is getting loaded up. Nighean Dhonn is there along with me, walking up the street towards my grandparent's house as a father and son walk by. Suddenly, the father starts pointing and talking excitedly. Here comes Nighean Dhonn down the street, driving on a riding mower. The father was agitated, shouting "pull it over, pull it over" - which she does. As later the two of us walk up the street we see the father and son looking at the mower pulled over to the side of the street.
5) We are still near the high school but it is myself and two friends (one of them is Uisdean Ruadh). It's night, but we walk up to the door to knock. We see that the lights are just turned out as if my grandfather (gone 18 years now) is apparently going to bed. We turn to go, but then the light goes on and he opens up the door. We essentially say hello, say goodbye and then he shuts the door and turns off the light.
Finis
Friday, July 30, 2010
Star and Planet
"They are trying to make me into a fixed star. I am an irregular planet." - Martin Luther
There are days - and today is probably another one of them - where, as I get ready to do the things constitute the daily routine of my life, my spirit rebels. This is not the way things are supposed to be, I protest. I dreamed of doing more in life, of making a larger contribution, of living on the edge and being successful - not being another of a long and glorious line of paper pushers, dealing with stress and crises not of my own making or my concern.
It is as if, to quote Luther, one was a planet and had been roped in invisible line by invisible line into becoming a fixed star, no longer even following an orbit but trapped in location.
Some of these lines are self imposed; as many have come from somewhere else and were put on me. The question is, do I continue to be bound and hold steady, or do the lines break - and what happens after that?
There are days - and today is probably another one of them - where, as I get ready to do the things constitute the daily routine of my life, my spirit rebels. This is not the way things are supposed to be, I protest. I dreamed of doing more in life, of making a larger contribution, of living on the edge and being successful - not being another of a long and glorious line of paper pushers, dealing with stress and crises not of my own making or my concern.
It is as if, to quote Luther, one was a planet and had been roped in invisible line by invisible line into becoming a fixed star, no longer even following an orbit but trapped in location.
Some of these lines are self imposed; as many have come from somewhere else and were put on me. The question is, do I continue to be bound and hold steady, or do the lines break - and what happens after that?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Pre-excitement?
Can our pre-excitement cause something to not occur?
Maybe it's one of my problems with my understanding of God, but I seem to suffer from the sense that if I become too excited about something happening or an opportunity, it never comes to pass - sort of the feeling that Charlie Brown gets every time the ball is ripped out from under him by Lucy.
I don't suppose that's really God's fault, more my perception of Him.
I do believe pre-excitement can cause something not to occur in the sense that we all of a sudden start acting as if something had occurred when nothing has happened - a sort of arrogance about the future, as if we already know what has come to pass. This sort of attitude can turn folks off faster than anything, and suddenly the opportunity is gone before it even arrived.
But the question I am dealing with far more supernatural than that. When we become overexcited about a future opportunity and act as if it has already occurred, are we usurping the prerogative of God? And if so, does He respond to that by shutting that opportunity off because we are more excited about the opportunity than Him?
Or is all of that as well a function of my own will? Something good possibly happens, and I believe that God must be behind it. Then, when circumstances intervene and it suddenly doesn't happen, I ascertain that I must have become too enthusiastic (and arrogant) when in fact that opportunity wasn't any more likely to happen than the fact that it might rain today.
How do I balance anticipation about opportunities with a realistic assessment of how likely they are to occur?
Maybe it's one of my problems with my understanding of God, but I seem to suffer from the sense that if I become too excited about something happening or an opportunity, it never comes to pass - sort of the feeling that Charlie Brown gets every time the ball is ripped out from under him by Lucy.
I don't suppose that's really God's fault, more my perception of Him.
I do believe pre-excitement can cause something not to occur in the sense that we all of a sudden start acting as if something had occurred when nothing has happened - a sort of arrogance about the future, as if we already know what has come to pass. This sort of attitude can turn folks off faster than anything, and suddenly the opportunity is gone before it even arrived.
But the question I am dealing with far more supernatural than that. When we become overexcited about a future opportunity and act as if it has already occurred, are we usurping the prerogative of God? And if so, does He respond to that by shutting that opportunity off because we are more excited about the opportunity than Him?
Or is all of that as well a function of my own will? Something good possibly happens, and I believe that God must be behind it. Then, when circumstances intervene and it suddenly doesn't happen, I ascertain that I must have become too enthusiastic (and arrogant) when in fact that opportunity wasn't any more likely to happen than the fact that it might rain today.
How do I balance anticipation about opportunities with a realistic assessment of how likely they are to occur?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Despondent
I am suffering from despondency this week.
Despondency (n): The state of being despondent; dejection; hopelessness.
That was useful. What is despondent?
Despondent (n): Feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression; a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort.
(www.merriam-webster.com)
Yeah, that covers it pretty well.
It's not really depression, or a lest it doesn't feel like it. It's not really discouragement - although I am feeling discouraged. The last sentence captures it best: a deep dejection (lowering of spirits) arising from a conviction (a strong persuasion or belief) of the uselessness of further effort.
The uselessness of further effort? I feel completely disempowered (is that even a word?) in my life, that whether I put in a great deal of effort or a little effort, I get approximately the same result. If I try and raise the bar, there's nothing to hang that bar on and it often seems that the other side of the bar is merely a cliff over which I go hurling straight down.
I desire clarity: this is not depression. I have known depression - know depression - as well as anyone. This is much more of a general sense of pointlessness of effort in almost all aspects of my life; a sense of futility in that a course has now been set up in my life which I have little control of and cannot impact.
The vicious thing about it seems to be that it is that I'm not sure how to resolve this as I would a depression. A depression I understand: eventually I will pull out of it, and often have small things or incidents or people that will assist me. Depression can often be about one thing in my life; despondency seems to be covering the entire lay of the land. An improvement somewhere does not equate into an improvement overall, as there is that sense that in toto the general outcome is ineffectiveness and the impotence of any further effort.
Depression I can manage. How can I manage this?
Despondency (n): The state of being despondent; dejection; hopelessness.
That was useful. What is despondent?
Despondent (n): Feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression; a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort.
(www.merriam-webster.com)
Yeah, that covers it pretty well.
It's not really depression, or a lest it doesn't feel like it. It's not really discouragement - although I am feeling discouraged. The last sentence captures it best: a deep dejection (lowering of spirits) arising from a conviction (a strong persuasion or belief) of the uselessness of further effort.
The uselessness of further effort? I feel completely disempowered (is that even a word?) in my life, that whether I put in a great deal of effort or a little effort, I get approximately the same result. If I try and raise the bar, there's nothing to hang that bar on and it often seems that the other side of the bar is merely a cliff over which I go hurling straight down.
I desire clarity: this is not depression. I have known depression - know depression - as well as anyone. This is much more of a general sense of pointlessness of effort in almost all aspects of my life; a sense of futility in that a course has now been set up in my life which I have little control of and cannot impact.
The vicious thing about it seems to be that it is that I'm not sure how to resolve this as I would a depression. A depression I understand: eventually I will pull out of it, and often have small things or incidents or people that will assist me. Depression can often be about one thing in my life; despondency seems to be covering the entire lay of the land. An improvement somewhere does not equate into an improvement overall, as there is that sense that in toto the general outcome is ineffectiveness and the impotence of any further effort.
Depression I can manage. How can I manage this?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Motivated?
I am having a great deal of trouble becoming motivated lately.
Motivated: To be provided with a motive; impelled.
Motive (n): Something (as in a need or desire) that causes a person to act. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/)
So my choices (by motive) is that I lack a need or desire. Interesting as well that motivated is to be provided with a motive; I suppose that is where the concept of self-motivated comes from (I provide my own motive).
Lack a need? Surely continuing to support a family and have food, clothes and shelter should constitute a need. The problem with a need is that it only provides the motivation because it has to be completed. Trying to maintain a long term motivation based on filling the lowest common denominator would, I think, eventually prove demotivating in the long run.
Lack a desire? Oh, I have plenty of desires. The difficulty with counting on these as motives is that they do not occur in a vacuum, especially for someone married and with children. Fulfilling these desires always takes place in the context of the shuffling realities of the greater unit around me; thus, I can motivate myself through pictures and "powerful self-imaging" about something that I want - a new car, for example - but the reality of that getting fulfilled based on all the other factors of my life is fairly small.
So maybe this is the question: how does one find a need (okay, purpose qualifies as a need, right?) or desire (could be any number of things) which is something that can continue to provide impetus as a long term need and/or is truly accessible as a desire not fully dependent on other circumstances around it to be fulfilled? In other words, what is a motive that can handle being thrown up against the glass walls of my life again and again and keep its shape and form, ready every morning not just to make it possible to slog through another day, but enthusiastic to do so?
It has to be here, somewhere. It only needs discovering.
Motivated: To be provided with a motive; impelled.
Motive (n): Something (as in a need or desire) that causes a person to act. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/)
So my choices (by motive) is that I lack a need or desire. Interesting as well that motivated is to be provided with a motive; I suppose that is where the concept of self-motivated comes from (I provide my own motive).
Lack a need? Surely continuing to support a family and have food, clothes and shelter should constitute a need. The problem with a need is that it only provides the motivation because it has to be completed. Trying to maintain a long term motivation based on filling the lowest common denominator would, I think, eventually prove demotivating in the long run.
Lack a desire? Oh, I have plenty of desires. The difficulty with counting on these as motives is that they do not occur in a vacuum, especially for someone married and with children. Fulfilling these desires always takes place in the context of the shuffling realities of the greater unit around me; thus, I can motivate myself through pictures and "powerful self-imaging" about something that I want - a new car, for example - but the reality of that getting fulfilled based on all the other factors of my life is fairly small.
So maybe this is the question: how does one find a need (okay, purpose qualifies as a need, right?) or desire (could be any number of things) which is something that can continue to provide impetus as a long term need and/or is truly accessible as a desire not fully dependent on other circumstances around it to be fulfilled? In other words, what is a motive that can handle being thrown up against the glass walls of my life again and again and keep its shape and form, ready every morning not just to make it possible to slog through another day, but enthusiastic to do so?
It has to be here, somewhere. It only needs discovering.
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Blacklist Goals List.
I realized today that I have an Blacklist Goals List.
It's that list of secret goals, the one I don't tell anyone about, mostly because it's not really all the admirable. It's not overtly harmful - laying waste to people or theft is not on mine - but it's the little idylls, the daydreams that I dare not speak of least I appear to be less than what I profess to be.
Mine seem to revolve around hurling away large portions of my responsibilities - to just give up and give in and run away to live the life I always dreamed I could, freed from the responsibility of been sane and sound and doing things the the "right" way.
I mocked this Blacklist tonight as I drove home in traffic, puttering along in my 1997 Protege with the semi-functional air conditioning as I watched the more glamorous zip by in their newer cars. I laughed out loud to myself: the image of a 40-something year old cruising up in his '97 white Protege to "hang with the crowd" and be living the life, struck me as funny. The juxtaposition of these two images, the old Protege and "cool" me, sat in in my mind like an image the aging disco junkie from 20 years ago, gold chains jingling as he tried to make the scene amidst the New Wave dance scene. It's that silly.
I say it's silly, but it's poignantly sad at the same time. Being responsible can, frankly, be a bore most of the time. My days have become incredibly scripted, almost to the minute up to the time I get into bed. The bills are paid, Na Clann and The Ravishing Mrs. TB are provided for, the pets are kept in food and shelter and Cheerios - but there is a huge hole in my life, the hole (or maybe whole?) that used to be filled with possibilities, but is now filled with dates and dollars and paperwork to be filed and other things that the "responsible" do.
But now in the back of mind the list continues to hang there, waiting only for me to pick it up, unroll it, and make one of those chaotic decisions which so often promises a zest for life but most often results in greater misery - conveniently dressed up in a new car and a new life.
Which I suppose is the point of the list: to keep it in my mind rather that out in my life.
Instability can occasionally be okay; chaos, not so much.
It's that list of secret goals, the one I don't tell anyone about, mostly because it's not really all the admirable. It's not overtly harmful - laying waste to people or theft is not on mine - but it's the little idylls, the daydreams that I dare not speak of least I appear to be less than what I profess to be.
Mine seem to revolve around hurling away large portions of my responsibilities - to just give up and give in and run away to live the life I always dreamed I could, freed from the responsibility of been sane and sound and doing things the the "right" way.
I mocked this Blacklist tonight as I drove home in traffic, puttering along in my 1997 Protege with the semi-functional air conditioning as I watched the more glamorous zip by in their newer cars. I laughed out loud to myself: the image of a 40-something year old cruising up in his '97 white Protege to "hang with the crowd" and be living the life, struck me as funny. The juxtaposition of these two images, the old Protege and "cool" me, sat in in my mind like an image the aging disco junkie from 20 years ago, gold chains jingling as he tried to make the scene amidst the New Wave dance scene. It's that silly.
I say it's silly, but it's poignantly sad at the same time. Being responsible can, frankly, be a bore most of the time. My days have become incredibly scripted, almost to the minute up to the time I get into bed. The bills are paid, Na Clann and The Ravishing Mrs. TB are provided for, the pets are kept in food and shelter and Cheerios - but there is a huge hole in my life, the hole (or maybe whole?) that used to be filled with possibilities, but is now filled with dates and dollars and paperwork to be filed and other things that the "responsible" do.
But now in the back of mind the list continues to hang there, waiting only for me to pick it up, unroll it, and make one of those chaotic decisions which so often promises a zest for life but most often results in greater misery - conveniently dressed up in a new car and a new life.
Which I suppose is the point of the list: to keep it in my mind rather that out in my life.
Instability can occasionally be okay; chaos, not so much.
Square Peg, Round Hole
As I was mentally preparing for another week of work last night in bed, I was hit (once again) by the feeling of being square peg pushed into a round hole, more strongly than I have of late.
I want to say that I feel called to something else, some more elusive career - that only God apparently knows. I'd like to say that - but I have no evidence for the existence of any such thing other than my feeling that it is so, that sort of nagging feeling that there is something else.
In one way I am very conscious of God's control in my life right now, as I last year when out of all the resumes I sent out, I only received one job offer (here in New Home) - so I was meant to be here (and, to be fair, circumstances have proven that out). I'm conscious of the fact that in more recent searches nothing has panned out, even things that were quite local. Obviously, when it is time it will appear (not that it excuses me from continuing to be active).
But perhaps part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I am looking within the same field that I am currently in. Perhaps it is as if I keep banging the peg down further into the hole, hoping that it will somehow conform if I keep pushing it hard.
To paraphrase Brian Tracy, "If I was not doing what I am doing now, would I start in it? What would I start instead?"
I want to say that I feel called to something else, some more elusive career - that only God apparently knows. I'd like to say that - but I have no evidence for the existence of any such thing other than my feeling that it is so, that sort of nagging feeling that there is something else.
In one way I am very conscious of God's control in my life right now, as I last year when out of all the resumes I sent out, I only received one job offer (here in New Home) - so I was meant to be here (and, to be fair, circumstances have proven that out). I'm conscious of the fact that in more recent searches nothing has panned out, even things that were quite local. Obviously, when it is time it will appear (not that it excuses me from continuing to be active).
But perhaps part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I am looking within the same field that I am currently in. Perhaps it is as if I keep banging the peg down further into the hole, hoping that it will somehow conform if I keep pushing it hard.
To paraphrase Brian Tracy, "If I was not doing what I am doing now, would I start in it? What would I start instead?"
Saturday, July 24, 2010
What If
What if the job you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you work at it differently?
Would you coast until retirement?
Would you seek to work harder to make it successful
as it is the only one?
What if the marriage you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you treat it differently?
Would you work at working it out more?
Would you constrain wild imaginings as falsehoods instead of options,
flame and ash intead of possibilities?
What if the life you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you seek to live more boldly?
Would you seek to love more fully?
Would you seek to try things more often and with greater zeal
knowing that it might be the only chance you get?
What would happen if this all turned out to be true?
Would you work at it differently?
Would you coast until retirement?
Would you seek to work harder to make it successful
as it is the only one?
What if the marriage you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you treat it differently?
Would you work at working it out more?
Would you constrain wild imaginings as falsehoods instead of options,
flame and ash intead of possibilities?
What if the life you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you seek to live more boldly?
Would you seek to love more fully?
Would you seek to try things more often and with greater zeal
knowing that it might be the only chance you get?
What would happen if this all turned out to be true?
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Ring
I am banging up against the borders of my life again.
There are two items in conflict: my life as I see the possibilities and my life as I see the actualities. One is out there pushing the boundaries of what I want and what I am capable of; the other is firmly grounded on where I am currently and the responsibilities that I have to deal with.
Dreams and responsibilities. Two ends of a spectrum which occasionally someone is able to bend into a circle such that they both meet and can be worn like a ring.
Is that one of the keys to success then? To take our dreams and our responsibilities and forge them into the ring of our life?
As I write this, the picture that leaps to my mind is I the One Ring from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of The Rings. If you recall, it was ring forged for dreams (control of the entire world is a form of a dream I suppose) which eventually destroyed all that wore it. It offered infinite power but (like all evil) came with a high price.
But what I'm thinking about is not an object of evil forged by one seeking world domination, but something that exists by our being alive, and something that some people consciously work on while other people passively accept.
Dreams without responsibility become irresponsible; responsibility without dreams becomes drudgery. Either way, two parts without the whole do not have the power of the whole.
Those who focus purely on their dreams can often leave a trail of misery of the people and things that they have used and discarded in their quest. Those who focus purely on their responsibility can also often leave a trail of misery as duty pushes out any joy or excitement which is transmitted as a dull stifling cloud to all around them.
And perhaps the ring analogy is appropriate: like a skilled ringmaker, we are challenged throughout our lives to forge together these two metals (dreams and responsibility) and make them into one seamless metal, the pattern of our lives.
What are you forging today?
There are two items in conflict: my life as I see the possibilities and my life as I see the actualities. One is out there pushing the boundaries of what I want and what I am capable of; the other is firmly grounded on where I am currently and the responsibilities that I have to deal with.
Dreams and responsibilities. Two ends of a spectrum which occasionally someone is able to bend into a circle such that they both meet and can be worn like a ring.
Is that one of the keys to success then? To take our dreams and our responsibilities and forge them into the ring of our life?
As I write this, the picture that leaps to my mind is I the One Ring from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of The Rings. If you recall, it was ring forged for dreams (control of the entire world is a form of a dream I suppose) which eventually destroyed all that wore it. It offered infinite power but (like all evil) came with a high price.
But what I'm thinking about is not an object of evil forged by one seeking world domination, but something that exists by our being alive, and something that some people consciously work on while other people passively accept.
Dreams without responsibility become irresponsible; responsibility without dreams becomes drudgery. Either way, two parts without the whole do not have the power of the whole.
Those who focus purely on their dreams can often leave a trail of misery of the people and things that they have used and discarded in their quest. Those who focus purely on their responsibility can also often leave a trail of misery as duty pushes out any joy or excitement which is transmitted as a dull stifling cloud to all around them.
And perhaps the ring analogy is appropriate: like a skilled ringmaker, we are challenged throughout our lives to forge together these two metals (dreams and responsibility) and make them into one seamless metal, the pattern of our lives.
What are you forging today?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Enjoyment Versus Desperation
"If you enjoy the process, it's your dream. If you are enduring it, desperate for the results, it's somebody else's." - Laws of Attraction via Twitter
This quote has been rattling around in my head since I read it yesterday - one of those thoughts that just keeps hanging on in a determined fashion, refusing to let go.
The phrase that keeps turning my head is "desperate for the results". This concept has occurred more than once in my life - it occurred at The Firm, it has occurred scattered across the various positions I have currently held in my industry.
At The Firm, I wanted the results that the work would bring. While I enjoyed my work, I can honestly say that my heart was not fully in it (thus, my failure). In my current line of work, I become desperate for the potential financial rewards, not the output of the work as a whole.
"If you enjoy the process, it's your dream." What processes have I enjoyed? I enjoyed teaching, when I did that. I enjoy the various "rural" activities I've done, whether gardening or beekeeping or making and preserving foods (and beer and mead!) from scratch. I enjoy the process of writing - although it drives me to distraction sometimes. I (as I found out this week) enjoy the process of helping people to find their strengths.
I'm not sure what it all means and I'm not sure how to apply it - but the power of the statement speaks to me. Enjoyment versus desperation. Why would anyone choose the one above the other?
This quote has been rattling around in my head since I read it yesterday - one of those thoughts that just keeps hanging on in a determined fashion, refusing to let go.
The phrase that keeps turning my head is "desperate for the results". This concept has occurred more than once in my life - it occurred at The Firm, it has occurred scattered across the various positions I have currently held in my industry.
At The Firm, I wanted the results that the work would bring. While I enjoyed my work, I can honestly say that my heart was not fully in it (thus, my failure). In my current line of work, I become desperate for the potential financial rewards, not the output of the work as a whole.
"If you enjoy the process, it's your dream." What processes have I enjoyed? I enjoyed teaching, when I did that. I enjoy the various "rural" activities I've done, whether gardening or beekeeping or making and preserving foods (and beer and mead!) from scratch. I enjoy the process of writing - although it drives me to distraction sometimes. I (as I found out this week) enjoy the process of helping people to find their strengths.
I'm not sure what it all means and I'm not sure how to apply it - but the power of the statement speaks to me. Enjoyment versus desperation. Why would anyone choose the one above the other?
Not Expected
I'm discovering something as I continue through the chaos that is my employment life right now: I really like helping people discover their strengths, encouraging them, and helping them to believe in themselves.
This is not something I had looked for or even imagined - but I'm finding that it brings me great joy.
As I interact with my coworkers - Fear Beag, Fear Mor, An Bean-Bhohanach, An Bean Bhoidheach, An Fear Gluaistean, even Otis, Songbird, Bogha Frois and Buttercup - and hear of their frustrations, dreams and goals, I find my myself drawn - I can think of no other word - to help them in their quests, which in reality is ultimately a quest to be the best that they can be. Interestingly part of that is something that I cannot seem to do for myself: to look beyond themselves to see what they apparently cannot, and believe in them when they will not.
I am surrounded by great people of whom have I no doubt will go on to do great things. To be with them day in and day out, to see what they do, to hear them talk - all of this creates no doubt in my mind that these are people who can and will do far beyond what they are doing now.
This raises two questions for me:
1) What is this telling me about perhaps what I should be doing?
2) Why don't I have this same level of optimism and belief in myself?
This is not something I had looked for or even imagined - but I'm finding that it brings me great joy.
As I interact with my coworkers - Fear Beag, Fear Mor, An Bean-Bhohanach, An Bean Bhoidheach, An Fear Gluaistean, even Otis, Songbird, Bogha Frois and Buttercup - and hear of their frustrations, dreams and goals, I find my myself drawn - I can think of no other word - to help them in their quests, which in reality is ultimately a quest to be the best that they can be. Interestingly part of that is something that I cannot seem to do for myself: to look beyond themselves to see what they apparently cannot, and believe in them when they will not.
I am surrounded by great people of whom have I no doubt will go on to do great things. To be with them day in and day out, to see what they do, to hear them talk - all of this creates no doubt in my mind that these are people who can and will do far beyond what they are doing now.
This raises two questions for me:
1) What is this telling me about perhaps what I should be doing?
2) Why don't I have this same level of optimism and belief in myself?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
All Eyes On Me
Thwacked on the side of the head yesterday about this whole question of whom I am exalting in my life.
I managed to make a bad joke in a public setting (no, not a rude one, or a dirty one, or one in any way in poor taste - just a bad one) - the sort of thing that everyone looks at your quizzically about and then moves on to another subject of conversation. I was doing it (I assume) to stay involved in the conversation which was about something I have no participation in; what I looked like was just crazy (or stupid). It made me reflect back some years ago where a similar instance happened at earlier job with much the same impact and much the same musings as today, except with the added one of "Have I learned anything?"
Who am I drawing attention to in my life: myself or Christ? That's the bottom line, the bottom level question of my day to day interaction with everyone I do.
It's a difficult question to face - I am by nature flamboyant and loud and almost instinctively seek to have attention on me. But is it the right thing - by putting the attention on me, am I pulling off the One whom I'm supposed to be putting it on?
I compare my actions with that of the apostles in the Book of Acts, especially Paul. Time and time again he ends up being the center of attention - not specifically for what he has done but for his testimony about Christ. And, given the opportunity, he spends that attention he gets on proclaiming Christ.
I'm not Paul, and I am not a full time evangelist (or a part time, or really one at all - not my gift). But the point still remains - when the attention gets focused on me, how is it getting there and what am I doing with it? Am I seeking to make it about myself - or God?
The arguments come up in my mind of course: the "If you don't do that, if you just work and live quietly, nothing will happen in your life"; "People will run over you if you humble yourself (there's that thought again) because this world only works if you push to get ahead; and "If you don't play the game, you don't get the reward".
Fair enough, I suppose - on a worldly level. But that in theory is the difference for the Christian: we put our eggs in the one basket of God. As someone else has said, "Faith is believing in God, knowing that if He doesn't come through, we're lost". We are, by living humbly ourselves and exalting God, to count on God to move us on His time and in His way - not by scrambling to get ahead, but by waiting on Him to move things as He wills.
My example is that of this very blog. I often write not having any idea if there is any difference being made by what I write. I occasionally get updates from friends about liking what I wrote or how it spoke to them, but in general it feels like I write and post things into a hollow Internet space. I sometimes grumble as I see the blogs or writings of others which are more successful or more impactful than my own, wondering "Why can't I be that way and have that impact?"
But this is a compact I made long ago with this blog: it is personal, it is my own thoughts, and I would do nothing commercially (via those ads) or otherwise to promote it beyond letting friends know it is here. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it.
The reality is, that is what my life should be like as well, seeking to live quietly and diligently. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it. We are not called to be anything other than mirrors reflecting the Glory of God. As a mirror has no independent ability to function without something to reflect or a light, so we too are to live and work in such a way that the attention is on the One who is being reflected, not the item which is doing the reflecting.
I managed to make a bad joke in a public setting (no, not a rude one, or a dirty one, or one in any way in poor taste - just a bad one) - the sort of thing that everyone looks at your quizzically about and then moves on to another subject of conversation. I was doing it (I assume) to stay involved in the conversation which was about something I have no participation in; what I looked like was just crazy (or stupid). It made me reflect back some years ago where a similar instance happened at earlier job with much the same impact and much the same musings as today, except with the added one of "Have I learned anything?"
Who am I drawing attention to in my life: myself or Christ? That's the bottom line, the bottom level question of my day to day interaction with everyone I do.
It's a difficult question to face - I am by nature flamboyant and loud and almost instinctively seek to have attention on me. But is it the right thing - by putting the attention on me, am I pulling off the One whom I'm supposed to be putting it on?
I compare my actions with that of the apostles in the Book of Acts, especially Paul. Time and time again he ends up being the center of attention - not specifically for what he has done but for his testimony about Christ. And, given the opportunity, he spends that attention he gets on proclaiming Christ.
I'm not Paul, and I am not a full time evangelist (or a part time, or really one at all - not my gift). But the point still remains - when the attention gets focused on me, how is it getting there and what am I doing with it? Am I seeking to make it about myself - or God?
The arguments come up in my mind of course: the "If you don't do that, if you just work and live quietly, nothing will happen in your life"; "People will run over you if you humble yourself (there's that thought again) because this world only works if you push to get ahead; and "If you don't play the game, you don't get the reward".
Fair enough, I suppose - on a worldly level. But that in theory is the difference for the Christian: we put our eggs in the one basket of God. As someone else has said, "Faith is believing in God, knowing that if He doesn't come through, we're lost". We are, by living humbly ourselves and exalting God, to count on God to move us on His time and in His way - not by scrambling to get ahead, but by waiting on Him to move things as He wills.
My example is that of this very blog. I often write not having any idea if there is any difference being made by what I write. I occasionally get updates from friends about liking what I wrote or how it spoke to them, but in general it feels like I write and post things into a hollow Internet space. I sometimes grumble as I see the blogs or writings of others which are more successful or more impactful than my own, wondering "Why can't I be that way and have that impact?"
But this is a compact I made long ago with this blog: it is personal, it is my own thoughts, and I would do nothing commercially (via those ads) or otherwise to promote it beyond letting friends know it is here. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it.
The reality is, that is what my life should be like as well, seeking to live quietly and diligently. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it. We are not called to be anything other than mirrors reflecting the Glory of God. As a mirror has no independent ability to function without something to reflect or a light, so we too are to live and work in such a way that the attention is on the One who is being reflected, not the item which is doing the reflecting.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Pre-Dawn Humility
Looking out into the predawn light, I contemplate the beginning of another week.
I find myself continually brought back and forth between two positions, wanting to go out there and "tear it up" even while I am trapped by the fact that my enthusiasm would only further the goals of folks other than me and would in the end not make a great deal of difference.
But this is the fact that I was reaching for yesterday as well, the idea of recognition and serving the ends of others, even as they may not recognize that fact.
But in some way we are all serving the ends of others; in the big picture, we are serving the ends of God (consciously or unconsciously).
Yesterday at church, the sermon was on humility. Our pastor noted that every morning, we have two choices: exalt ourselves or humbling ourselves. There is no third option. Every action we take has the effect of doing one or the other.
We want to be noticed. Humility, he stated, handles our needs for notice. By exalting ourselves, we need other's notice. By humbling ourselves, we notice other's needs. What about our needs? As Christians, we leave it to God to notice our needs.
By humbling myself, I definitively turn my eyes towards the needs of others, of meeting their goals. My goals? In some cases it then turns on God to meet those; in others, perhaps it is my goals themselves that need changing.
So in my predawn angst, there's my answer. In whatever I do today, am I seeking to notice the needs of others and serve them? That is the commandment from God, whether in business or personal relations.
Effect? Impact? My own goals and agenda? Those, with humility, I turn over to God. If He does them, He will do them better than I and will receive the glory, not myself.
Which, if you think about it, is the ultimate point of humbling one's self.
I find myself continually brought back and forth between two positions, wanting to go out there and "tear it up" even while I am trapped by the fact that my enthusiasm would only further the goals of folks other than me and would in the end not make a great deal of difference.
But this is the fact that I was reaching for yesterday as well, the idea of recognition and serving the ends of others, even as they may not recognize that fact.
But in some way we are all serving the ends of others; in the big picture, we are serving the ends of God (consciously or unconsciously).
Yesterday at church, the sermon was on humility. Our pastor noted that every morning, we have two choices: exalt ourselves or humbling ourselves. There is no third option. Every action we take has the effect of doing one or the other.
We want to be noticed. Humility, he stated, handles our needs for notice. By exalting ourselves, we need other's notice. By humbling ourselves, we notice other's needs. What about our needs? As Christians, we leave it to God to notice our needs.
By humbling myself, I definitively turn my eyes towards the needs of others, of meeting their goals. My goals? In some cases it then turns on God to meet those; in others, perhaps it is my goals themselves that need changing.
So in my predawn angst, there's my answer. In whatever I do today, am I seeking to notice the needs of others and serve them? That is the commandment from God, whether in business or personal relations.
Effect? Impact? My own goals and agenda? Those, with humility, I turn over to God. If He does them, He will do them better than I and will receive the glory, not myself.
Which, if you think about it, is the ultimate point of humbling one's self.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Recognition
I have a problem with achieving.
Specifically, achieving for the sake of my own personal recognition and not the recognition of others.
This is something that I think comes both from my tendencies to want people to like me and to please them as well as my (relatively long) career in school. From my concern with peoples' opinion of my, I tend to always wanted to be noticed for what I've done - even if it is just a verbal notice. From my years in school, I have come to associate effort with reward i.e. if I do the schoolwork, I will get the grade (and get noticed).
The problem is, this is not the way it seems to work in the real world. More often than not, there is no notice of what I have done - therefore, I often stop doing it. However, the reality is that I do need to continue to do it to move forward both in my career and my life - even though I there is no recognition specifically forthcoming.
This is the core of my problem then - how do I self motivate towards larger goals without the instant gratification of recognition? How do I keep on when it seems no-one else is watching or noticing?
One train of thought, I suppose, is that of attaching your own rewards to the goals: achieve this, reward yourself with that. The only problem with that is usually things that I would reward myself with are far beyond the easy grasp (financially) of what I have available to me, and seldom in a timely manner with the achievement.
Another train of thought would simply be to recognize yourself in your mind and move on. This could work I suppose; the difficulty is that when I do something like that and mentally give myself the "Attaboy", it hardly has any impact on my thinking or my self image - seeing myself as having accomplished something is not something that impacts me.
So how do I do it then? How do I embed what I want to do so deeply that I hold to it, no matter whether recognition comes or not?
Specifically, achieving for the sake of my own personal recognition and not the recognition of others.
This is something that I think comes both from my tendencies to want people to like me and to please them as well as my (relatively long) career in school. From my concern with peoples' opinion of my, I tend to always wanted to be noticed for what I've done - even if it is just a verbal notice. From my years in school, I have come to associate effort with reward i.e. if I do the schoolwork, I will get the grade (and get noticed).
The problem is, this is not the way it seems to work in the real world. More often than not, there is no notice of what I have done - therefore, I often stop doing it. However, the reality is that I do need to continue to do it to move forward both in my career and my life - even though I there is no recognition specifically forthcoming.
This is the core of my problem then - how do I self motivate towards larger goals without the instant gratification of recognition? How do I keep on when it seems no-one else is watching or noticing?
One train of thought, I suppose, is that of attaching your own rewards to the goals: achieve this, reward yourself with that. The only problem with that is usually things that I would reward myself with are far beyond the easy grasp (financially) of what I have available to me, and seldom in a timely manner with the achievement.
Another train of thought would simply be to recognize yourself in your mind and move on. This could work I suppose; the difficulty is that when I do something like that and mentally give myself the "Attaboy", it hardly has any impact on my thinking or my self image - seeing myself as having accomplished something is not something that impacts me.
So how do I do it then? How do I embed what I want to do so deeply that I hold to it, no matter whether recognition comes or not?
Friday, July 16, 2010
Silence
There's an eerie sort of silence in my life right now.
I remember this silence before - the last time was after The Firm collapsed. It's the sound of, well, nothing.
Suddenly e-mails and phone calls for a business or project grind to a halt. There is no communication where there used to be a plethora of it.
There is an initial belief that it is a temporary things, only a day or two at the most. As the situation continues on, the belief turns to panic, as one starts turning to one's e-mail and phone several times a day, hoping that something will magically appear - only to see the same irrelevant e-mails and junk come floating through.
The power and confidence one felt a week ago has been laid waste, leaving nothing in its tracks but a vast inner silence and a quiet sense of desperation.
The difficulty I am having is coming out of this. The discouragement suddenly becomes overwhelming, any sense of self confidence is completely gone and there is a true sense of "Why try?" because it made no difference.
The worst part of it is the seemingly pathetic hopefulness that reasserts itself every time the phone rings or one opens e-mail. "It'll be there" the inner voice says, "just open or answer it. It'll be there."
And in point of fact, it is not.
How does one find confidence and hope in a situation where one controls almost nothing?
I remember this silence before - the last time was after The Firm collapsed. It's the sound of, well, nothing.
Suddenly e-mails and phone calls for a business or project grind to a halt. There is no communication where there used to be a plethora of it.
There is an initial belief that it is a temporary things, only a day or two at the most. As the situation continues on, the belief turns to panic, as one starts turning to one's e-mail and phone several times a day, hoping that something will magically appear - only to see the same irrelevant e-mails and junk come floating through.
The power and confidence one felt a week ago has been laid waste, leaving nothing in its tracks but a vast inner silence and a quiet sense of desperation.
The difficulty I am having is coming out of this. The discouragement suddenly becomes overwhelming, any sense of self confidence is completely gone and there is a true sense of "Why try?" because it made no difference.
The worst part of it is the seemingly pathetic hopefulness that reasserts itself every time the phone rings or one opens e-mail. "It'll be there" the inner voice says, "just open or answer it. It'll be there."
And in point of fact, it is not.
How does one find confidence and hope in a situation where one controls almost nothing?
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Blah
This is the fifth time I have started to type something in this space.
I'm confused - or tired - or lonely - or maybe all three. Everyone else is back in Old Home at this point, so it is just me and the assorted menagerie as we make our way through next week.
My career confuses me this week. I commented yesterday that it feels like there is so much to be done that I don't know where to start, and even if I did I would have no sense that it would accomplish anything worthwhile.
I started to go through making a list of goals last night - specifically around financial goals - and the thought that spewed right back at me was "that's great to make these -how are you going to actuate them starting where you are?" And then I thought again of the big wall of goals on my wall, sighed, and carried on.
What I need, it seems, is a sense of hope. A sense of something to start with, some minor success that I can build on to help me grow in my confidence to solve larger problems.
What one minor thing can I make better today?
I'm confused - or tired - or lonely - or maybe all three. Everyone else is back in Old Home at this point, so it is just me and the assorted menagerie as we make our way through next week.
My career confuses me this week. I commented yesterday that it feels like there is so much to be done that I don't know where to start, and even if I did I would have no sense that it would accomplish anything worthwhile.
I started to go through making a list of goals last night - specifically around financial goals - and the thought that spewed right back at me was "that's great to make these -how are you going to actuate them starting where you are?" And then I thought again of the big wall of goals on my wall, sighed, and carried on.
What I need, it seems, is a sense of hope. A sense of something to start with, some minor success that I can build on to help me grow in my confidence to solve larger problems.
What one minor thing can I make better today?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Disappointment
Disappointment yesterday evening when I arrived home. The opportunity that I hoped was going to be available will not be.
At this point I have no idea why - I've submitted a request for additional information, so we'll see what I can find out. However, it is disappointing (there's that word again) that it did not work out as intended.
Which in some ways puts me right back to the drawing board - but the drawing board with a purpose.
In going through this exercise, I think I got little closer to what I am doing and why I am doing. The thought patterns that I entertained during vacation have helped me move along there as well.
There was a quote I found this morning as I was reading through Victory: Applying the Proven Principles of Military Strategy to Achieve Success In Your Business and Personal Life by Brian Tracy by Sir Francis Bacon: "A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."
Fine. Just because I had everything worked out in my mind didn't mean it work out in real life. That just means I have to try all the harder. This most recent opportunity was one that I found.
I'll just have to work to make some more.
At this point I have no idea why - I've submitted a request for additional information, so we'll see what I can find out. However, it is disappointing (there's that word again) that it did not work out as intended.
Which in some ways puts me right back to the drawing board - but the drawing board with a purpose.
In going through this exercise, I think I got little closer to what I am doing and why I am doing. The thought patterns that I entertained during vacation have helped me move along there as well.
There was a quote I found this morning as I was reading through Victory: Applying the Proven Principles of Military Strategy to Achieve Success In Your Business and Personal Life by Brian Tracy by Sir Francis Bacon: "A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."
Fine. Just because I had everything worked out in my mind didn't mean it work out in real life. That just means I have to try all the harder. This most recent opportunity was one that I found.
I'll just have to work to make some more.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Two Places
Getting ready to trek back from The Ranch this afternoon towards New Home.
I wandered down into the Lower Meadow this morning, the uncut grasses up to my knees as the leftover green grass near the spring which supports the midsummer wildflowers bowed in the wind. The dragonflies were hovering and darting around my head level as lower, bees and butterflies were moving from flower to flower on their own business. Birds were dipping and landing near the horses' path, apparent flying in to get at the insects in the lower levels of grass exposed by the horses' travels.
As I stopped and watched the wonder of it all, I suddenly realized how hard it is to have one's heart in two places at the same time.
I don't know how to reconcile these two halves of my life, the part that I live with most of the year and the part of my life I want to live with most of the year.
All I know is that every time I leave, it feels more and more a balancing act I cannot hold together.
I wandered down into the Lower Meadow this morning, the uncut grasses up to my knees as the leftover green grass near the spring which supports the midsummer wildflowers bowed in the wind. The dragonflies were hovering and darting around my head level as lower, bees and butterflies were moving from flower to flower on their own business. Birds were dipping and landing near the horses' path, apparent flying in to get at the insects in the lower levels of grass exposed by the horses' travels.
As I stopped and watched the wonder of it all, I suddenly realized how hard it is to have one's heart in two places at the same time.
I don't know how to reconcile these two halves of my life, the part that I live with most of the year and the part of my life I want to live with most of the year.
All I know is that every time I leave, it feels more and more a balancing act I cannot hold together.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Ranch Again
It has been a pleasant visit back to The Ranch - even as I write this, the morning breeze bearing the pine-laden scent of what can only be The Mountains and the dirt laden scent of The Ranch waft through the golden highlighted window screens.
It has been a good - but busy- visit here, something that I am not fully comfortable with. I am used to being here without a sense of timekeeping involved a sense of "I have to do this, and this and this - because I have to leave in five days." It gives things much more the sense of a trying to cram everything into a sightseeing tour rather than seeking to moderate time and activities.
It's also always good to see family and old friends - too good actually, as it makes hunger for the relationships and location of Old Home. Not that this makes New Home any worse (or better), it just reawakens the realization that there is not here.
But for now that's all okay. I'll sit here, let the breeze flow through my nostrils and over my body, and just enjoy being here.
It has been a good - but busy- visit here, something that I am not fully comfortable with. I am used to being here without a sense of timekeeping involved a sense of "I have to do this, and this and this - because I have to leave in five days." It gives things much more the sense of a trying to cram everything into a sightseeing tour rather than seeking to moderate time and activities.
It's also always good to see family and old friends - too good actually, as it makes hunger for the relationships and location of Old Home. Not that this makes New Home any worse (or better), it just reawakens the realization that there is not here.
But for now that's all okay. I'll sit here, let the breeze flow through my nostrils and over my body, and just enjoy being here.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
The Five Virtues of the Cock
" While serving under the Duke Ai of Lu, T'ien Jao, resenting his obscure position, said to his master, 'I am going to wander far away like a snow goose.'
'What do you mean by that?' inquired the Duke.
'Do you see the cock?' said T'ien Jao in reply. 'Its crest is a symbol of civility; its powerful talons suggest strength; its daring to fight any enemy denotes courage; its instinct to invite others whenever food is obtained shows benevolence; and, last but not least, its punctuality in keeping the time through the night gives us an example of veracity. It spite, however, of these five virtues, the cock is daily killed to fill a dish on your table Why? The reason is that it is found within our reach. On the other hand, the snow goose traverses in one flight a thousand li. Resting in your garden, it preys on your fishes and turtles and pecks your millet. Though devoid of any of the cock's five virtues, yet you prize this bird for the sake of its scarcity. This being so, I shall fly far like a snow goose.'"
- Ancient Chinese Parables, Yu Hsiu Sen Ed., as quoted by Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power
'What do you mean by that?' inquired the Duke.
'Do you see the cock?' said T'ien Jao in reply. 'Its crest is a symbol of civility; its powerful talons suggest strength; its daring to fight any enemy denotes courage; its instinct to invite others whenever food is obtained shows benevolence; and, last but not least, its punctuality in keeping the time through the night gives us an example of veracity. It spite, however, of these five virtues, the cock is daily killed to fill a dish on your table Why? The reason is that it is found within our reach. On the other hand, the snow goose traverses in one flight a thousand li. Resting in your garden, it preys on your fishes and turtles and pecks your millet. Though devoid of any of the cock's five virtues, yet you prize this bird for the sake of its scarcity. This being so, I shall fly far like a snow goose.'"
- Ancient Chinese Parables, Yu Hsiu Sen Ed., as quoted by Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
The "Working" Manager
Sitting in a business meeting yesterday I made a startling revelation.
I sat there with a group of individuals like myself, manager or project manager types, discussing the investigation and possible procurement of a type of support equipment. As I sat there listening to the ebb and flow of conversation as I was not really impacted by this, I realized that the senior individual in the room, a director-level position, was seemingly the one to whom the meeting was addressed even though it was not initially their problem. By a series of questions from this person others expressed what they knew, and by the end of the meeting this individual had organized an action plan - for which they themselves had no action items.
As I walked back across the business campus mulling this over in mind, I suddenly saw this meeting repeated again and again in my mind: a group of individuals who does the work is brought together, a senior or executive management member reviews the situation, asks a few questions, and offers some comment, and everyone walks away with the individuals having more work and the management members having made the decision.
This is not to suggest that senior/executive managers do not work hard - I know that they do! - but to grapple with the concept of where that line occurs in a career.
In all of my management positions I have been told it's a "working manager" position, the idea apparently being that managers need to "work" as well as "manage" and "make decisions." What I've come to find over time is that this concept of a working manager "works" only sometimes depending on the industry - and almost never in terms of advancement in house.
If the essence of management is learning to make and execute decisions - and by execute at that level, I mean "ensure that it is executed" - then the working manager is always in a bind. They cannot truly focus on executing decisions as they have a quota of work which they're always expected to produce as well as "manage" the work under them. What this creates is a situation that most will never rise to the level of decision maker because they will never have reached that quota of work as well as have made the decisions to manage that they are to have made. Even delegation only goes so far in this case, as one does not want to appear that one is not "working".
How can this be changed to an advantage? I think part of the groundwork has to be laid up front coming into the position by clarifying that "working manager" means that while some work will be done, the management and decision side is equally important both to the company and a future career at it. The next part is probably learning to get better both at managing the tasks and resources at hand. A small group of anyone cannot do everything, so both expectations and output need to be managed accordingly.
Finally, one simply has to start making decisions and seeing that they are executed by yourself or those around you. The only way to learn is to do it, sometimes sanctioned or not.
Decision makers decide. Working managers work. I know where I'd like to be.
I sat there with a group of individuals like myself, manager or project manager types, discussing the investigation and possible procurement of a type of support equipment. As I sat there listening to the ebb and flow of conversation as I was not really impacted by this, I realized that the senior individual in the room, a director-level position, was seemingly the one to whom the meeting was addressed even though it was not initially their problem. By a series of questions from this person others expressed what they knew, and by the end of the meeting this individual had organized an action plan - for which they themselves had no action items.
As I walked back across the business campus mulling this over in mind, I suddenly saw this meeting repeated again and again in my mind: a group of individuals who does the work is brought together, a senior or executive management member reviews the situation, asks a few questions, and offers some comment, and everyone walks away with the individuals having more work and the management members having made the decision.
This is not to suggest that senior/executive managers do not work hard - I know that they do! - but to grapple with the concept of where that line occurs in a career.
In all of my management positions I have been told it's a "working manager" position, the idea apparently being that managers need to "work" as well as "manage" and "make decisions." What I've come to find over time is that this concept of a working manager "works" only sometimes depending on the industry - and almost never in terms of advancement in house.
If the essence of management is learning to make and execute decisions - and by execute at that level, I mean "ensure that it is executed" - then the working manager is always in a bind. They cannot truly focus on executing decisions as they have a quota of work which they're always expected to produce as well as "manage" the work under them. What this creates is a situation that most will never rise to the level of decision maker because they will never have reached that quota of work as well as have made the decisions to manage that they are to have made. Even delegation only goes so far in this case, as one does not want to appear that one is not "working".
How can this be changed to an advantage? I think part of the groundwork has to be laid up front coming into the position by clarifying that "working manager" means that while some work will be done, the management and decision side is equally important both to the company and a future career at it. The next part is probably learning to get better both at managing the tasks and resources at hand. A small group of anyone cannot do everything, so both expectations and output need to be managed accordingly.
Finally, one simply has to start making decisions and seeing that they are executed by yourself or those around you. The only way to learn is to do it, sometimes sanctioned or not.
Decision makers decide. Working managers work. I know where I'd like to be.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Buttercup's Dad: Are You Ready?
Buttercup (she of the noble prose) received a call this weekend that her father had collapsed. Rushed to the hospital and in ICU for Saturday and Sunday, they were informed on Monday that his body was starting to shut down and that it was time to turn the machines off and let him go. Since that time his body has struggled up and down and at the time of this update, the final outcome is still unknown.
I've never met Buttercup's parents; what I know of them I know only through how she acts and behaves (which is all good). I do know that this was not expected; as Otis related, "We knew his heart was not doing well but we didn't think it would be so soon." Soon - at 61.
But none of us know. That's the thing that hammered at my brain last night, that hammered at me when I got up this morning and sat in front of this keyboard. None of us knows the time of our passing - but we always act like we do:
- We plan our futures, financially and relationally, with what we will have in the future and where we will go and what we will do, not knowing if we will arrive at that future.
- We imagine a death in which we pass being able to communicate with our loved ones and making our peace with God, not knowing if death when it comes will be swifter than we imagine or so filled with pain and delirium that we cannot communicate.
- We put off the important of tomorrow for the urgent of today thinking that we can cheat priorities just this one time, only to find that there is a tipping point to such priorities that we never see until too late.
I have two requests of you as you go about your post holiday work week this week:
1) Remember Buttercup, Otis and their families in your prayers. Undoubtedly the outcome of this, whatever it will be, will result in layers of emotion and adjustment.
2) As you go about your day today, as you go about your plans for the future ask yourself "If I died right now, would I be ready? What three things would I leave undone?"
If you're not ready, both temporally and eternally with God, make yourself so. And then get on doing those three things. Because you never know.
I've never met Buttercup's parents; what I know of them I know only through how she acts and behaves (which is all good). I do know that this was not expected; as Otis related, "We knew his heart was not doing well but we didn't think it would be so soon." Soon - at 61.
But none of us know. That's the thing that hammered at my brain last night, that hammered at me when I got up this morning and sat in front of this keyboard. None of us knows the time of our passing - but we always act like we do:
- We plan our futures, financially and relationally, with what we will have in the future and where we will go and what we will do, not knowing if we will arrive at that future.
- We imagine a death in which we pass being able to communicate with our loved ones and making our peace with God, not knowing if death when it comes will be swifter than we imagine or so filled with pain and delirium that we cannot communicate.
- We put off the important of tomorrow for the urgent of today thinking that we can cheat priorities just this one time, only to find that there is a tipping point to such priorities that we never see until too late.
I have two requests of you as you go about your post holiday work week this week:
1) Remember Buttercup, Otis and their families in your prayers. Undoubtedly the outcome of this, whatever it will be, will result in layers of emotion and adjustment.
2) As you go about your day today, as you go about your plans for the future ask yourself "If I died right now, would I be ready? What three things would I leave undone?"
If you're not ready, both temporally and eternally with God, make yourself so. And then get on doing those three things. Because you never know.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Concentration and Focus
"Concentration is a major key to minute-by-minute success in any endeavor." - Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics
I have made an unusual discovery this weekend: I am a man who works best under a schedule carefully planned.
This is a revelation to me. I have always pictured myself as someone who hated the strictures of a schedule, who did his best work under the free-flowing conditions of doing whatever seemed to come to me at the moment. Reality, however, tells me a different story.
Given an average day, by the time I leave for work I have prayed, done my PT, read my morning Scripture reading, worked on Scripture memorization, read Sun Tzu, read my devotional at the time (Currently The Ladder of Perfection by Walter Hilton), read my success reading for the day, studied my Greek, studied my Gaelic, written my blog, and have caught up on one or more of the sites I follow. This is all accomplished in approximately 1.25 hours.
I compare this with weekends or holidays, where I don't have to "get up", and have that time that I don't have to spend on pesky work. The reality is, I am far less productive in all aspects of my life - spiritual, relational, personal - than I am during the week. The difference: I perceive that my time is much more limited, therefore I work to use it as effectively as possible.
The lesson is straightforward: if I want to get the same mileage out of all my time, I need to follow the same pattern.
I have never liked lists, never liked planning (although strategy is something I am coming to grips with). However, I am going to like getting to the end of my life (whether today or 40 years hence) realizing all the time I wasted because I didn't want the "burden" of planning.
I have made an unusual discovery this weekend: I am a man who works best under a schedule carefully planned.
This is a revelation to me. I have always pictured myself as someone who hated the strictures of a schedule, who did his best work under the free-flowing conditions of doing whatever seemed to come to me at the moment. Reality, however, tells me a different story.
Given an average day, by the time I leave for work I have prayed, done my PT, read my morning Scripture reading, worked on Scripture memorization, read Sun Tzu, read my devotional at the time (Currently The Ladder of Perfection by Walter Hilton), read my success reading for the day, studied my Greek, studied my Gaelic, written my blog, and have caught up on one or more of the sites I follow. This is all accomplished in approximately 1.25 hours.
I compare this with weekends or holidays, where I don't have to "get up", and have that time that I don't have to spend on pesky work. The reality is, I am far less productive in all aspects of my life - spiritual, relational, personal - than I am during the week. The difference: I perceive that my time is much more limited, therefore I work to use it as effectively as possible.
The lesson is straightforward: if I want to get the same mileage out of all my time, I need to follow the same pattern.
I have never liked lists, never liked planning (although strategy is something I am coming to grips with). However, I am going to like getting to the end of my life (whether today or 40 years hence) realizing all the time I wasted because I didn't want the "burden" of planning.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Decisions To Be Made
Feeling torn this morning at the Tuning Fork in the road.
I have three possibilities that are presenting themselves: one involves a higher position and more money but separation from my family more often, one involves staying in New Home but a lower position (possibly equal pay), and one involves just staying where I am right now.
I say torn because I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach that I often get when I am facing a decision which I don't know clearly what to do.
I made a list last night of why to stay and why to go. I came up with half a dozen reasons to stay in the location we are in, and only two reasons to change jobs (one of them - be fair - is that I so often have problems at my current location).
But money is not enough of a reason to change - I made that decision twice before, and neither time has it gone very well for me - The Firm, and then the job that indirectly moved us to New Home.
It's good to have opportunities - why am I so reluctant to make a choice?
I have three possibilities that are presenting themselves: one involves a higher position and more money but separation from my family more often, one involves staying in New Home but a lower position (possibly equal pay), and one involves just staying where I am right now.
I say torn because I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach that I often get when I am facing a decision which I don't know clearly what to do.
I made a list last night of why to stay and why to go. I came up with half a dozen reasons to stay in the location we are in, and only two reasons to change jobs (one of them - be fair - is that I so often have problems at my current location).
But money is not enough of a reason to change - I made that decision twice before, and neither time has it gone very well for me - The Firm, and then the job that indirectly moved us to New Home.
It's good to have opportunities - why am I so reluctant to make a choice?
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Tuning Forks in the Road
The thought of a tuning fork occurred to me this morning as I was contemplating not only our first full year in New Home, but the reality of decisions that are upcoming. We are, as they say, reaching forks in the road which, once taken, can never be gone back on.
As I thought about the forks (both real and metaphorical) it occurs to me that really they are not just forks in the road, but tuning forks in the road.
For those of you that have never done music, you may have heard of a tuning fork. It's a metal implement resembling a fork (except with two prongs) which is struck on a surface to produce a pitch by which individuals and instruments can attune themselves to. The clear tone produced gives the performer an audible tone to adjust to, rather than a visual sign by a typical tuning meter. It can be a much more difficult process.
When we treat decisions as forks, we assume that there is a standard by which we are making that decision i.e. money, time, goals, etc. Based on what is going in my life, we say, how can I make the best decision to serve my own goals. But if we treat it purely as an objective decision without any reference to our heart or God's heart, we miss a valuable input into which decision is more correct.
Which is why decisions should be tuning forks in the road. When a decision is a tuning fork, we align our heart not to the externals, but to the internals: if God is resonating in my life (which He should be), what about this decision attunes my heart to the tone that I am hearing? As the process of tuning is one of aligning an instrument to the perfect pitch, so our decision making - our forks in the road - should be a process of attuning ourselves more and more to God and His will for our lives.
It takes practice, of course. Unlike regular decisions, tuning fork decisions require us to learn to listen carefully to the tone provided - and then adjust our lives and decisions to that. It will be awkward as we continue to adjust the various slides that improve our pitch, creating some fairly awful (and irreproducible) noises from our instruments.
But what a wonder to arrive at our destination with our lives in tune with the Master Instrument Maker, ready to perform in a far larger orchestra than any of our earthly decisions could have given us.
As I thought about the forks (both real and metaphorical) it occurs to me that really they are not just forks in the road, but tuning forks in the road.
For those of you that have never done music, you may have heard of a tuning fork. It's a metal implement resembling a fork (except with two prongs) which is struck on a surface to produce a pitch by which individuals and instruments can attune themselves to. The clear tone produced gives the performer an audible tone to adjust to, rather than a visual sign by a typical tuning meter. It can be a much more difficult process.
When we treat decisions as forks, we assume that there is a standard by which we are making that decision i.e. money, time, goals, etc. Based on what is going in my life, we say, how can I make the best decision to serve my own goals. But if we treat it purely as an objective decision without any reference to our heart or God's heart, we miss a valuable input into which decision is more correct.
Which is why decisions should be tuning forks in the road. When a decision is a tuning fork, we align our heart not to the externals, but to the internals: if God is resonating in my life (which He should be), what about this decision attunes my heart to the tone that I am hearing? As the process of tuning is one of aligning an instrument to the perfect pitch, so our decision making - our forks in the road - should be a process of attuning ourselves more and more to God and His will for our lives.
It takes practice, of course. Unlike regular decisions, tuning fork decisions require us to learn to listen carefully to the tone provided - and then adjust our lives and decisions to that. It will be awkward as we continue to adjust the various slides that improve our pitch, creating some fairly awful (and irreproducible) noises from our instruments.
But what a wonder to arrive at our destination with our lives in tune with the Master Instrument Maker, ready to perform in a far larger orchestra than any of our earthly decisions could have given us.
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