Silence

There's an eerie sort of silence in my life right now.

I remember this silence before - the last time was after The Firm collapsed. It's the sound of, well, nothing.

Suddenly e-mails and phone calls for a business or project grind to a halt. There is no communication where there used to be a plethora of it.

There is an initial belief that it is a temporary things, only a day or two at the most. As the situation continues on, the belief turns to panic, as one starts turning to one's e-mail and phone several times a day, hoping that something will magically appear - only to see the same irrelevant e-mails and junk come floating through.

The power and confidence one felt a week ago has been laid waste, leaving nothing in its tracks but a vast inner silence and a quiet sense of desperation.

The difficulty I am having is coming out of this. The discouragement suddenly becomes overwhelming, any sense of self confidence is completely gone and there is a true sense of "Why try?" because it made no difference.

The worst part of it is the seemingly pathetic hopefulness that reasserts itself every time the phone rings or one opens e-mail. "It'll be there" the inner voice says, "just open or answer it. It'll be there."

And in point of fact, it is not.

How does one find confidence and hope in a situation where one controls almost nothing?