A Dream

Over the last week, I have been having a series of amazingly vivid dreams. Mine last night was so vivid - and might even mean something to me -that I am recording it.

For some reason, we were back to living in Old Home State but not Old Home - more along the Northern Coast. I was apparently supposed to be on a religious radio show, one that I recognized. I went by driving, consciously remembering not to take a bridge over a river (which was the shorter way) but drove around.

I arrived at the home of the radio host, which apparently was where the show was broadcast from. It was the host and three guests - one of whom was my current manager. I was surprised by this, but apparently he played the harmonium and so was invited.

The radio program went on. My role in it was subdued - I was asked a couple of questions about some general knowledge, and that was it. One of the subjects of the program was a boating association that maintained a series of houses and docks on the river, and how they were in the process of fighting a legal battle. I remembered the river, because over this river was the bridge that I had not wanted to cross.

During the break, we stepped outside (apparently it was a long break) to look at the mountain chain in the distance. The host asked me where my water supply was coming from. I responded that we did have to depend on runoff, that my parents were low enough in altitude for a water column. The host responded "Don't worry - someday, you'll have that too" or something to that effect.

Then back to the radio program, this time with a studio audience that appeared, but had no interest in myself or my boss, who sat overlooking the entire thing. We were sitting on what resembled a giant sleigh, and at one point we were completely packed in by individuals who really didn't seem to notice that we were there.

When the program ended, I decided to walk home. I was walking along suburban streets and came to the bridge of our discussion. It was built across one of the pine clad mountain canyons from Old Home that I am familiar with. There were low lying houses built on pillars connected by bridges, but I was actually on a large platform (brown, for some reason) with a small shed which led to a long green bridge and a green house and platform on the other side. The bridge itself was wooden and green, about 3-4 feet across without rails and fairly long. I started out on the bridge, got maybe 4 feet, then turned around terrified, feeling like I was going to fall off the bridge and went back to the platform - I actually had to pull myself up on the platform because of my fear of falling.

So I decided to walk home. But apparently, walking home constituted walking through a series of essentially closets, out into the homes of others, looking for the door to the outside. In some cases, their houses were located in the houses of others, so I would open a door into another house. I seemed concerned about worrying people as a thief but the few I saw just directed me to the outside.

Finally I made it outside with Syrah the Mighty, who apparently appeared from nowhere, and off we walked to get home. I was carrying a load of figs which I apparently picked up in some one's house. We turned down one street, saw a car, and had to step to the side, dragging Syrah. It was an overgrown lot with a tree in which the figs got stuck. I remember looking at the overripe figs as they hung there, thinking "I don't even like figs".

A couple walked past. It was an middle aged woman in a robe and hair curlers obviously upset, followed by a man who was apparently upset with her and arguing. I remember seeing them in one of the houses I had gone through.

Finally, by wandering of many streets, I made it home. The Ravishing Mrs. TB began to tell me about Na Clann's school day. They apparently got a new music teacher at school - my boss.

I went and asked him why he was teaching music. His response was that his wife had decided that he needed to do something with his musical talent.

And then I woke up.

Anvil bound

I am feeling the flatness and heat of God's anvil and the relentless pounding of His Hammer. This is not something that I remember asking for (at least consciously, like one of those "Lord, give me patience" prayers) - but then again, I have prayed for God to guide me.

It feels like I am being stripped away, layer by layer: all the things I used to do and enjoy, all the activities I was involved in, indeed many of the people in my life - gone. He is constantly pushing me back to core issues.

Money? Everything I dreamed off almost 6 years ago when we started The Firm has gone. Indeed, when I was talking with The Ravishing Mrs. TB yesterday her comment was "It's humbling". And it is. We are now, for perhaps the first time in six years, seeing our financial lives clearly for what they are.

Involvement? I went from being on the Worship Team of a small church and involved to becoming a member of a much larger church where, for the moment, I am a face in the crowd. Not that that's bad, and you can always get involved later, but it suddenly feels like my usefulness in God's house has abruptly ended.

Dreams? I don't know that I have any at this point. Everything I did dream about was predicated on being in Old Home, or on scads of money. Now both of those are far off, at least for the present time.

Activities? For having moved, I seem to have even less time, even as I am made aware of the fact that Na Clann need me more than ever. And time not being a fungible commodity, for me to do something, I have to surrender something else.

The most dangerous thing in all of this is that I settle for the idea that this is only temporary, always looking for the way out or the end of the trial: "Okay Lord, I've learned enough. Let's get on with the program." The reality is, when the metal goes on the anvil, it does not come off in its own time but in the smith's time, when the project is finally done.

Lord, keep me on the anvil until I am the project you envisioned.

Bondservantship

Between a series of circumstances and conversations, it was brought to my attention that my attitude and actions at work are hardly as Christlike as should be expected. I am somewhat slothful, bitter, and engage in forms of gossip, backbiting, and discontent spreading, all in the name of building relationships and being "honest". It's not Christlike - references include:

"Bondservants, be submissive to those who are your earthly masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; not as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God form the heart, with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is slave or free." - Ephesians 6: 5-8

"Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is now partiality. "- Colossians 3-22-24

"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of the consciences toward God one endures grief and suffers wrongly." - 1 Peter 2: 18-20

- and those were the ones I could bring to mind without trying.

So I tried today. I said nothing negative about anyone. When presented with work, I executed it to the best of my ability instead of complaining about the tasks. I made a real effort to constantly be doing something. I tried to not be bitter.

Was there a perceptible change? I'm not sure. How do I feel?

Exhausted.

Honestly, I had not anticipated h0w emotionally and mentally challenging it would be to not defend myself, do all that I was asked, and not say anything negative about anyone one or. The result was I worked. And worked. And worked. Which, ironically, is precisely what I am supposed to be doing. It's amazing how difficult it becomes to not defend, to say "yes" and nod and then go about it to the best of your ability rather than walk away and complain later or be negative.

How is it that trying to be more Christlike feels more exhausting?

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Message

Joseph floated into my mind last night. "Go look up Joseph in Genesis" was the prompting. "The chapter about him in Potiphar's house and in prison (that would be Genesis 39).

The original reason I had intended to go there was almost because of a counter-reaction to the recent spate of materials I've been reading concerning success and achievement. The thought ran something like this: "Hmmm. I wonder how Joseph, who obviously had access to any kind of literature about how to succeed, yet even in Potiphar's house and in prison, he did. I wonder if there's anything there for me?"

So I went and looked - but got the answer I did not intended at all. Essentially, the chapter says three things: Joseph trusted God, God blessed Joseph, Joseph was diligent ("whatever they did there (in the prison), it was his doing" - verse 22)- and the intermediate reward in both places was prison.

That's not what I really wanted to get out of it.

So I went and grabbed Joseph: A Man of Integrity and Forgiveness by Charles Swindoll and went to those two chapters for additional insight. Surely I had missed something?

Nope. Swindoll actually spends most of the chapters dealing with resisting temptation (Joseph and Potiphar's wife) and Joseph's faith in prison, otherwise known as doing the right thing and then being seemingly forgotten for it - and how he refused to be bitter, but trusted God alone.

From Swindoll's book:

"He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility (or having to be dislocate from your life -TB), but a heart that says 'Lord, God, help me now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this abandonment, this rejection" (pp. 53-54).

It's interesting to me that (once again) the focus is about God, seeing Him and glorifying Him, rather than the situation.

Hmm. Maybe there is a message there - as long as I'm willing to accept it as it is rather than try to pour my own meaning into it.

The Audit

Hello Monday.

Another Monday of client audits. If you've never done a client audit, they're splendid. They come in two varieties: the "We're here to dig through your systems and approve you" audits and the "We're here to find a problem/justify my salary/add notches to my belt" audits.

The flow, over 12 years, is inevitably the same: a brief presentation, followed by a tour, then hours of endless review of documents, then questions, then more documents, then a brief conversation concerning any deficiencies and promises "to respond within 30 days", and then the cleanup - of course, followed up by all the work that you didn't accomplish during the audit.

The worst part of the day is that post-collapse, when the auditor is gone and you collapse with a sigh around the table, hopefully having fended off any observations, and you realize that the very thing you often hope for - change of the system - will not happen once again because you have done everything to defend and explain the system to avoid an observation. It's as if by doing your job, you are thwarting the doing of your job.

My only consolation is that, having spoken with other auditors, it is the same everywhere. We all fight the same battles.

It's just that it makes the exercise of what one is supposed to do very hard.

Whose Life?

Whose life is it?

The question came to me last night as I was fussing about money and time: what to do, what not to do. In my planning and concerns, is it God that I am taking into account or only myself?

Hudson Taylor, the founder of Inland China Mission, was convicted by the fact that in the mid 1800's 12,000 Chinese citizens died every day without Christ. That number has swelled since that time - does it bother me the way it should?

Is it possible that all that we have been provided now is both a blessing and a curse - a blessing for what has been provided that is needful, a curse in what we have lost by following ourselves rather than His guidance?

How do I ensure that it is God's life Have I been used to being "in charge" so long that I have forgotten how? How do I live like the Israelites of old, looking to the cloud and pillar of fire, rather than to the times and the seasons?

Attitude, goals, heart - this thought affects none of those things except to redirect their guidance to coming from God?

Who am I serving this day - in fact, no just in profession?

I Have Decided

I have decided:

- that I will do instead of beg.

- that I will choose my attitude consciously rather than letting my emotions set it for me.

- that I will seek excellence in every part of my life.

- that I will do those things that I am called to do without thought to money or reward.

- that those things I choose to do I will be the best at.

- that I will mature, not grow old.

What is Attitude?

What is an attitude:

Merriamwebster.com: "Attitude: a : a mental position with regard to a fact or state; b : a feeling or emotion toward a fact or state."

I'll be honest - when I got the definition, I just sat and looked at it for a minute. That is not at all what I was expecting as a definition.

Two parts: 1) A mental position or a feeling; 2) a fact or state.

The language implications boggle the mind. Note that the mental position is "with regard" to a fact or state, while the feeling or emotion is "toward" a fact or state. There's a separation there, subtle but present.

Why? I think the reason is that the difference lies in whether the attitude is a mental position or a feeling.

A mental position implies that at least some level of thinking/reasoning has gone into the formation of that attitude (even if it's bad thinking). Feeling is an emotional reaction that more often than not is simply arrived at without thinking/reasoning.

The difference is that emotions can change with one's circumstances, physical state, or even the cast of the sunlight in a particular moment, while mental positions (if correctly done) are not subject to the vicissitudes of such events because they have been founded on a thought or reason which can discount the temporary circumstances because they are focused on the fact or state regardless of temporary interruptions or circumstances.

In that light, how many attitudes have I known - indeed, how many have I personally exhibited - that are based on feelings? How many of these were mistakenly believed to have been built on reason or thinking?

But that of course implies that the attitudes are arrived by thought and reason - can I truly say that I have made that effort in my life? If not, why not?

Heart in It?

In speaking with Otis this afternoon, he relayed a comment to me that Buttercup had mentioned to him after my visit this weekend. "Maybe", she hypothesized in that simple way that she often uses in her writing to cut to the heart of the matter, "he feels disconnected from his job because his heart is not in it. When his heart is in what he's discussing, he's passionate."

The next sound you hear will be that of my head hitting the keyboard at the revelation of a simple truth.

"Yes of course" I say to myself, "that's absolutely true of course. If you're heart is not in something, of course it is not something that you will be passionate about."

But the simplicity of the thought and the statement take my breath away.

When was the last time I truly had my heart in my job - indeed, about anything in my life? I'm ashamed to admit, I cannot truly think of a job I've held where that was the case. And in my life? The list of things is frighteningly small -yet interestingly, they are usually things I end up not doing as much because they're not career oriented.

It's been said that if you identify your passions and do those, the job will follow. I've heard it, but could it possibly be true?

Attitude

Quietly pensive this morning. A little bird at work (whom I greatly respect) wandered by and commented that the change in my attitude at work had been noticed, and not only by her. "You were on fire when you got here, and now you're sliding into bitter" was the comment. "Just so you know."

I've been struggling with that comment, all the way home from work, all the way through the evening, and all the way into this morning as I got up. I've been struggling with two things really: 1) When did my attitude begin to slip; and 2) What can I do about?

When did my attitude slip? I don't know if one can either relate it to a single incident or a general malaise. The incidents tended to center around realizations of my true ability to affect change and my place in the structure. The general malaise came, I think, from a general sense of combined fear due to the economy and seemingly constant need to fight rearguard battles and sell the need of what I do.

What can I do about it? This is the even more confusing part. I've tried contemplating just muscling myself over to a different attitude through sheer willpower. That didn't work. I've tried doing inspirational reading to jump start my attitude, which again did not have the intended effect. I've tried to sell myself on the concept of being a thermostat, not a thermometer. Again, my attitude kind of looked at the concept, gave a disinterested sigh, and turned away.

There is something down deep, below all this, that is waiting to be awakened. I can feel it. My frustration is that I have no idea what I can do to wake it up and have it last.

Training and Education

"Training teaches you how. Education teaches you why." - Jeffrey Gitomer

A gem from last weekend that I have been pondering, especially as a fairly large part of my job involves "training". We train for everything - train on documents, train on processes, train on training in some cases.

However, as I considered what we do and why we do it, I was suddenly confronted by the idea that training is a weak concept, especially for any person or company that seeks to be the best.

When I train on something, I am (as Gitomer notes) merely training on how to do something (presumably correctly). It denotes no sense of understanding why I am doing it, the implications for doing it, the history of where it comes from, or often the impact of doing it. It merely is the execution of a task to success. In contrast, education (in its best form) gives many of these things: an understanding of why I am doing it, the implications of doing it, the history of where it comes from (so often there is a history) and the impact of doing it.

The reality is, so often companies and individuals settle for training - the learning equivalent of "the quick buck". "Tell me", they say, "how to do this. We don't need to clutter the minds of everyone with the whys or wherefores (besides, they get easily bored). Just what they need to do and we'll be off." The problem is, this breeds a mediocre mindset, whether individual or corporate.

Because the reality is most individuals at best only want to be trained instead of educated (better yet, entertained rather than trained). Education calls upon us to understand, to contemplate, to engage in original thought to make those concepts our own. But as it often has no immediate payoff but often costs in terms of time or money, most individuals (and the companies that manage them as resources) simply try to do as little as possible.

Companies I cannot change, except to make note of those that value training above education and act accordingly. For my own role at such companies, I can engage in the practice of education instead of training in everything I do.

But most importantly for myself, I can accept the fact that I should always pursue education. Training has its place to be sure, but it is is a poor substitute for education. Education can subsume training, but training seldom subsumes education.

Am I seeking in my own life to be trained - or educated?

Time Out

I'm calling a time out until the end of the year.

No, not a writing time out (I don't think I could - I'd probably go crazy!), but a life time out. One thing that my fabulous weekend at Otis and Buttercup's made me realize was that I am clinging to a great number of activities and lifestyle things because I always have or think that it is something that I want. One thing that amazed - and surprised - me was how when I was relaxed with not a great deal to think about or really do my creativity burst forth. My journal is full of ideas and haikus, introspections and thoughts - all from a 3 day jaunt, but a jaunt where literally I had nothing to do except read, relax, and think.

Can I get that here in New Home? Not at the same level, of course - Na Clann and The Ravishing Mrs. TB are here of course, as well as work and church. But what does not have to be here, which I can put to the side, is the plethora of activities which I seem to need to drive myself to do.

So it's a time out. I'll continue do exercise of course (if I can get to regular exercise, that alone will be a victory). But the time in the evening will be converted into a time of reading, thinking, and writing. In line with my thinking that this in a great number of ways represents a sort of tabula rosa for us, I want to start 2010 fresh out of the gate with a clear and burning vision of what I am to be about. And now, I believe, I have the key to starting that whole process.

A Brief Update

A brief update as to the weekend:

- I had a fabulous time at Otis and Buttercup's, who were extraordinarily gracious hosts.

- It was one of my best non-vacation vacations ever.

- It was a great seminar - so great, in fact, I have been digesting it for four days.

- A lot to think about, a lot to do.

I promise, more to to come.

Arete

Arete - The Greek word for goodness, excellence, or virtue. Originally it was intertwined with the notion that of fulfillment of function or purpose, of being to greatest extent of one's own potential. It originally dealt in courage and strength, but was later expanded to include a broader range of concepts ( the Wikipedia discussion is here).

Excellence, simply put, is something which we have largely lost sight of. It's something that individuals, organizations, and companies proclaim as their end goal, but fail to back up with words and deeds.

How did we lose this quest for excellence? More importantly, how did I lose this quest?

It starts from two roots: one, when we surrender our own personal quest to achieve excellence because it doesn't immediately provide gratification in a way that we often see those around us enjoying; two, when we realize that if we aspire to less than excellence, the ability to move forward is increased.

Excellence is hard. It requires commitment to something often unseen, often unrewarded, and often contrary to a world where efficiency and urgency are rated as far more important. "Excellence is important" one will often hear; "but we need to be practical and get things done."

Excellence requires thought. It requires planning. It requires persistence toward a goal which is often unseen by others. It requires an unyielding dedication to achieve something which is of infinite worth though not of measurable value.

If I practiced excellence in my life, if I limited myself to those actions and activities where I actively sought to achieve excellence, what would my life look like?

When did I learn to settle for mediocre?

Out Otis and Buttercup's Window

Through my sleep bound eyes
Glistening in the foglight,
Sentinel treetops.

Five Things

That's my goal coming home from Otis-land on Saturday. I need to have five things - five things to do, or five goals in hand, or even just 5 things to change in my life. But I need five things.

This represents the possibility of a great sea change in my life: 3 days without work (but getting paid!), with a great friend, listening to a motivational speaker, then having two days of nothing but conversation, coffee, maybe a little outdoor hiking and used book stores, perhaps a beer or two, and the luxury of thinking through and talking out the issues I see in my own life.

I'm excited. I really am. I have high hopes for the results of this weekend.

Otis-land and Efficiency

So my weekend with Otis rapidly approaches. I'm very excited - mostly at the prospect of seeing Otis, but also at the process of clearing my head.

Even with just a Monday under my belt, I am already feeling the strain of the week. My days have come to be filled (simply) with too much work and too little time. And the work is not added to the special "projects" with which I have been blessed - I am falling into the strange category of having to be both a "working" manager and managing the extra projects to move us towards more efficiency, which seems to guarantee that I am good at neither.

Efficiency. There's a word I've heard a lot of recently, along with the it's sister term interchangeability. It is (apparently) the answer in today's world of economic downturn and instability, a sort of magical "let's make it so" word in which the solution to anything is to time more effectively on the important things (or have the flexibility to allow others to do it). The odd thing is that efficiency presumes well developed processes and no emergencies, which we seem to be sadly lacking in.

And so the trip to Otis-land is all that more eagerly anticipated. As I told him this weekend, it's not so much that I need to "do" things while I there as much as I need to get my head clear about a number issues. As I pointed out to a co-worker, in the course of 11 months I have been employed with a house, been unemployed, been employed in New Home separated from An Teaglach for two months, tried to sell my home, and had to move - it's been a bit of a year!

I keep trying to get my level of motivation up, but the reality is I almost always collapse in a heap at the end of the day, really feeling the urge to do nothing after being pummeled by projects and people all day - and in many ways, projects that do not have a long term impact on the lives of others, let alone my own life. I keep trying to put on my game face, yet continue to keep finding that my game face is not enough to keep me motivated to truly succeed (because I do believe you will only succeed in what you are truly interested in).

Two more days (he said, keeping up the mantra). Two more days...

Pretending to Work

So I did it again this weekend. I brought my computer home for work to "work".

I swore I would be diligent about it. "No worries", I told a co-worker, "I'll just work on things for a couple hours and be ahead." And, sure enough, it sat there in the bag all weekend.

Why do I do this? It seems to stem from two streams within me, one the rather shocking and simple fact that I am not using my time at work as effectively as I should, the other that I feel like I need to compensate with more "work" time.

The reality is this: it's not that I need to spend more time working on work (in fact, I should be spending a little less) but that I need to be more effective when I am at work. I keep confusing activity with action, or as one wag put it, "A rocking chair can move very quickly and exhaust you, but it goes nowhere."

One of the biggest confusions within myself is the role of relationships and work. I work in a position that is highly relationally dependent to be successful. The split I need to make is the difference between building those relationships and using them to keep myself from working on things I don't desire.

First things first: No more bringing work home.

Second things second: How do I change how I work so I don't feel compelled to do this?

Motivation

Motivation is the key.

I find that the tasks I have to do don't really change, but the motivation behind them can. I can do something because I have to do something, I can do something for grudging reasons, or I can do something because it will serve a greater purpose.

Motivation is the key.

Why am I doing what I am doing? Too often it seems like it is out of habit or out of perceived necessity. In some cases - work for example - I will continue to have do the tasks, but I can change the reasons for doing the tasks.

Necessity is a poor long term motivation tool. It leads to shoddy work and shoddy activities because everything gets put to the level of "Good Enough". On the other hand, I've been in the situation of pouring excellent work down an endless tunnel and having it wasted and myself exhausted and drained.

I need to see the next two steps - not only the "Why am I doing this (beyond necessity, of course)" but the "What will this activity or item contribute beyond the immediate reason I'm doing it?"

For example, I practice Iaido not only because I enjoy it and it's an excellent low impact sport and a good workout, but because it is teaching me things about myself, reacting to situations, and how I present myself in life. I enjoy it (so I'm motivated to practice and go), but I'm motivated also because I can see what else I am getting out of it.

How do I translate that into my everyday activity? To the extent that I can do that is the extent to which I will achieve excellence in my life - and motivation.

Administrivia

New Home weather - at least fall weather - is seeming to mirror my moods of late: something with a chance of change.

I have been struck again this week with how I am dealing with stress and my work environment. I'm not sure why the change has occurred - last week, I felt confident, armed with my list of tasks as I checked them off. This week, there is a major loss of momentum, as I struggle to do the most mundane of tasks while freaking about the state of my industry (something which I cannot impact, by the way). I had alluded to a sense of powerlessness yesterday - that feeling seems to continue on.

In the midst of this, where is my faith in God, the One who says "All things work for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose", the One who is sovereign over the whole universe? How do I incorporate that into my daily life - it's fine to say "I believe God is in control" but hard (at least for me) to implement that into a day of paperwork and meetings of seeming little import - the horror of bureaucratic limbo, generating things that generate other things that end up in a box stored away.

As Otis often reminds me, I am to be a light - but I struggle with the fact that I don't just want to be, I want to do/product something where the output is something meaningful, not just useless administrivia to eventually (or not so eventually) be boxed up and shredded.

Stressed

I need to find a new way to handle my stress level.

I have been fighting an increased sense of powerlessness in my life, a sense that I much of what I do on a day to day basis has little or any impact on the outcome of my day, my life, or my output. Yesterday reached what seems to have been a temporary climax - and I melted down near the end.

This cannot continue.

Here is my dilemma: I am in a position on several levels of my life where I am responsible for decisions and outcomes but seemingly have very little power to implement anything to change them - more of a "Here's what you will do" option is presented. In the very worst cases, I end up acting as cover; in the best cases, it seems like I am acquiescing to choice A - or choice A.

My response to this point has been to revert to those things I can control - typically food, but sometimes anger at some nebulous "thing" which I can combat. Neither of these are particularly helpful or useful.

So what do I do?

I can counsel myself to only worry about the things I can control, but that feels like nothing at this moment. I can counsel myself to be bold and sail into the morning breaking doors and taking names, but that will not get the results I desire. There is a third thing here, a thing which touches on one reason I went with the Firm: Control of my own destiny.

Yes I know, there were plenty of things we couldn't control (although how helpful it would have been!), but there was a sense that I could control a great deal of the occurrences in my day: what we did, what results we could harvest, even (though apparently to an illusionary extent) what the direction of our life would be.

How do I use this stress? How do I deal with it? How do I take control, starting with the little things, and moving on to bigger things?

Monday Monday

Yesterday was just one of those days - one of those "There's a pall hanging over the building and I can't quite seem to shake it" days. Part of it could have been the weather, of course - a dark blustery day that made it seem like 0600 until noon. Part of it could have simply been the fact that once again, the weekend seemed far too short (although in fairness, at least weekends feel like weekends now and give me a separation from work).

I think a great deal of it was due to yet another announced merger in my industry and the resulting expected layoffs - with this second one in approximately two weeks, 27,000 + layoffs are expected. I'm not really sure what attracts me to such news - a morbid interest, or simply remembering the pain each and ever time I read of a layoff - but that, combined with a general mood of futility, made for a long - and not productive -Monday.

The other thing I found nagging at my mind is significance. Watching the tide of paperwork rise and then recede from my desk, I was reminded again of the significance of doing something that matters. These papers that I agonize over, cajole for signatures and corrections, and carefully preserve from harm will eventually get thrown into a box, placed off site, and eventually destroyed. The materials that they represent will be consumed, perhaps in testing for the discovery of a major cure, but just as likely for experimentation which will again be forgotten.

I'm finding that as I go, life is going faster and faster not slower, and my need (can we say need?) for performing something of significance becomes deeper, if for no other reason the realization that most of this life consists of dust blowing in the wind, and I am so often too dense to grasp the spiritual realities around me. It makes for an interesting paradox: trapped in a whirlwind of the transient which obscures the permanent.

In such moments, how does one focus?

Downpour

Fall rain on the roof
Overflows into my dreams:
Does it rain dreams too?

Evident to All

"Meditate on these things, give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all." - 1 Timothy 4:16

If we are to live the missionary life in a world that at best is disinterested and at most is hostile, how am we to interpret this? "Evident to all" would suggest not just those who are Christian (who would understand) but those who are not.

It seems that this is a promise as well (if you're curious, the preceding verses 12-14 call for Timothy to be an example in word, conduct, faith, love, spirit, faith and purity, and to give attention to reading, exhortation, and doctrine), that if we meditate on these things and give ourselves entirely to them, our progress will be evident to those around them - an evidence of the Spirit at work in our lives.

Evidence -the thing that so often our testimony lacks. How often have I been guilty of saying one thing and doing another, giving lie to my "Christian" testimony by my actions?

How do I fight against this? I believe that Paul gives us the method. If we are meditating on something (i.e. thinking about it all the time, dwelling on it - see yesterday's post) and giving ourselves entirely to it (really committed to implement it, trying to put it into practice on a daily, even hourly basis), then we will move in the direction of what we consumed with. And the evidence of that change will indeed be right there for everyone to see - it is easy to argue with words, but it is hard to argue with a changed life.

Now the hard part: if I am willing to commit myself with intensity to temporal goals, why do I so often lack the same intensity for eternal goals?

Repeat and Commit

When was the last time I really committed to a goal?

I'm reading The Instant Millionaire by Mark Fisher. I've read the book before actually, so this is more of a reacquaintance with it. Overall I enjoy it (the whole subculture of success stories written as parables is an interesting one) although there are things I think are...well, a bit hokey or even wrong (surprise - me have an opinion!).

Last night I was going through a part where the Instant Millionaire is relating to the Young Man his "secrets". One of them, he states, is that you need to pick a goal, pick a date, and then repeat that goal and that date every day until it burns itself into your brain. Your brain ("the unconscious") will take that input, like any other input, and begin to process it. At some point by essentially hard wiring it, the mind will become convinced that it can.

As I mentioned, I've read this book before so the concept was not foreign to me. But just for fun, I thought I'd try to exercise. So I did it: I picked my goal, I picked my date, and I started repeating it verbally x amount of times a day.

The thing that hit me this morning after I did it was the sudden sense of being committed to that goal, to doing that. Which made me then think "How have I committed to goals in the past? Have I been?"

What is the process of commitment to a goal? I can think of scores of things that I have wanted to have or accomplish as goals, but very few that gave me the sensation of what I have experienced over the last few days - again, that sense of commitment, the sense of "I can". Is it as simple as fooling your mind, or is it something about the process of putting the parts together (goal + time frame) that does it? Yes, of course I know thinking it is not the same as doing, but I also have plenty of experience knowing that without truly being convinced you can, you never will.

And if it's that simple, why haven't I done it more?

Meeting Fear

Yesterday afternoon, within my last 1.5 hours of work, an issue came up - the sort of issue that leaves you dreading coming in the next day because of the e-mails you fear will be in the box and the meeting you inevitably know will be coming.

Yes I know, this is what I get paid for. At the same time, it has been an interesting item to mull over as Syrah the Mighty and I went for our walk this morning.

Initially the thought discussion was all about the (almost inevitable) meeting, where suggestions would be made that we were withholding information, why didn't we bring this up earlier, this affects the timeline, and was this really a big issue? The mind instantly races, finding counter arguments to each and every point, try to defend my concerns, wondering who I can enlist as an ally, and what impact this will have on my career there.

And then my mind did a yottsu te hanasu - a "win by four hands" technique discussed by Miyatmoto Musashi in A Book of Five Rings where he says when opponents are equally matched (as in wrestling), to drop that strategy and win by some other means. My mind went off completely on a seeming tangent: "Why are you so concerned about this and what they think about you? Why are you so afraid and tense with this?"

"What do you mean?" I asked my mind.

"Simply that it seems your focus is on the wrong place. Sure, people will be unhappy and sure, they will say your over reacting and maybe even blame you. But the real issue is your fear."

"My fear?"

"Your fear. Can they physically hurt you? No. Can they spiritually hurt you? No. Can they emotionally hurt you? Possibly, but that's you allowing them to hurt your feelings. The issue is your fear - you're afraid that they will do these things, and you're afraid that this will impact your career."

"Well it might."

"Yes, it might -at least at this company. If that's the case, you have two other questions to answer: What can you do to alleviate that fear, and how do you remove that power from them?"

I thought for a minute. "Hmm. I suppose I can alleviate the fear by ensuring that I am constantly at the top of my knowledge base and a resource. It won't change the situation of course, but at least it will alleviate the fear. As to the second, I'm not sure. What can I do?"

My mind smiled (or I think it did - it's hard to interpret facial expressions of the mind). "Again, two thoughts. The physical one is difficult but easy to say: make sure you reach a position in your life where that is not possible. The mental one is less easy: deny them the power."

"The power?"

"Your fear is based on your perception that they won't like you, won't value you, will mock you, will not value you or your work. The reality is their opinion does not change your self worth. Even it you are overridden, it still doesn't change that - unless you let them change that in your mind. So many other people have no problem acting or expressing their opinions simply because people that suffer from fear like yours allow them to do so. When will you face your fear?"

It has me thinking anyway - if people cannot do physical, spiritual, or emotional harm to me, why do I fear them?

Man of Twilight

"I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory." - Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I have been thinking a lot of the past lately, especially of how I act in day to day life. I seem to be caught with two models, neither particularly helpful: one the somewhat overly silly and perhaps a bit over the top guy (because that's how you got attention), the other one the serious fellow who took to heart a manager's comment that one needed to "act" like management if one wanted to be management. In both cases, these behaviors are seemingly driven by people and circumstances long gone - a sort of "Night of the Living Dead Behaviors".

This comes up in the context of being in New Home, where literally no-one knew me when I arrived. On the one hand I am relishing the freedom of being able to create my own image; on the other hand, I'm alarmed that the image seems to be drawn from two wells, neither of which may be particularly useful or even healthy at this point.

And then this morning, I read Stephen Covey's quote. Or to move it over to the Christian realm, I can live in Christ instead of out of memory.

Somewhere buried in here is a third fellow, neither totally over the top nor totally serious, the man that wanders in the twilight of my imagination. He occasionally comes out, but often seems to take a back seat to those other two. Who is he? He largely seems tied up with living a Christian life but not on the terms of the world, being forced into the mold of what a "Christian" should act like (that thought is a concept rich for meditation). He is that hearkening back to an older, nobler, more honorable sort, the compilation of those that I read of and loved (and still do): John Carter, Walter Scott's heroes, The Forty Seven Ronin, Knighthood in general, the Irish Heroes, Tolkien's Elves, more recently John Galt and Hank Rearden and Francisco D'Anconia. The funny thing is, I thought that I could not bridge the gap between what they represented and the world that now exists and I live in. What a surprise to realize that the boundary is self imposed; "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". (Philippians 4:13) I can be who God calls me to be, that third man on the borders of my mind, instead of what is imposed on others -or indeed, what I impose on myself.

The world needs examples of Christians who are reflecting Christ uniquely, as He designed them. As M. Scott Peck put it (my paraphrase), we are all lanterns uniquely shining God's light. We didn't start the light nor can we maintain it (that is God's doing); all we need do is shine, and in our shining some unique aspect of God or His dealings with the universe will be revealed which could be revealed by no-one else.

Being a unique light bearer of Christ, defined by Him and His creation of me. What could be more desirable than that?

Virtues

"But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge perseverance, to perseverance self control, to self control godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." - 2 Peter 1:5-8

As I have been going through the exercise of memorizing this verse, I was reminded this morning of the fact that it feels like the modern church has abandoned the idea of virtues as a whole. I can think of any number of times that I have heard "Be loving" or "Be holy", but seldom any kind of categorization or additional suggestions as to how to get there.

I love these verses from Peter because, among other things, they are linear: faith, virtue, knowledge, perseverance, self control, godliness, brotherly kindness, love. It's a plan with steps (I love steps). It suggests, on the whole, what virtues we should pursue and apparently in what order.

It also has a promise: if these are ours and abound, we will neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of Christ. Think about it: if I pursue these as I pursue God, He says that I will be fruitful in knowledge and good works, bringing glory to God and honor to myself (Paul pursues this point in 2nd Corinthians 5:10).

So why don't we hear more about them?

If I had to theorize, I would think it is because they are hard. Think about it: how much with the sense of "God made accessible" today would the concept of building the virtues really be accepted? If you've ever tried to develop your faith, virtue, perseverance (there's a tough one) or self control (again, not fun), you know how hard and seemingly unrewarding it can be. If God is accessible and loves me, why should I have to work so hard?

How is it we are more willing to spend time sweating to build up our physical bodies (which will eventually die) than we are to spend time sweating to build up our spiritual virtues (which have eternal rewards)?

Missionary Zeal

I've been grappling with Otis' thought that I really need to look at my job as a missionary endeavor - that I have been placed in this location to be a light for Christ.

I've tended to resist this idea in the past a great deal, mostly from the the thought that I can't believe that God would have me be somewhere less than what I perceive to be the "perfect" job for me. After all, if God had wanted me doing "religious" work, the pastorate thing would have gone a different way.

But as I grappled with the thought further, what I suddenly realized is that it is because it would cause me to have to not be about me.

It seems to me that for any individual to be a missionary anywhere, let alone at work, that it would mean surrendering a great deal of selfishness. For me, that would be surrendering this imaginary or illusory life - call it "fantasy" if you like - about how people look at me, about life as I want to be perceived and living it. In fact, it would require not thinking about any of that at all, instead focusing on how by serving others I can at least demonstrate God's love and God's reality to them.

It would require acceptance of the fact that this life is not my life ("You were bought with a price" says Paul), and that I have no right to ask for anything beyond what I'm given - that my purpose is not about me, or about making my life better or more comfortable, but about making God great. That in the end, the results are not about me or how people think about me, but what they think about God.

"Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me."

The part - beyond the initial "But what about me?" part - that gives me pause is that slightly wicked part of my brain that says "Fine, let's go with that thought. Let's let it be all about God and making Him important. What does that do for you? All you'll end up with is the reality that your life really is small and insignificant. Great and glorious, or small and sticky. And who, in this orgy of being "all about God', will take care of your needs and wants? Trust me, you're not one of the greats, a Hudson Taylor or George Muller or C.S. Lewis. Emptying yourself will simply point to the fact that, in fact, your life is empty . At least with your dreams, you have something to tide you over."

Unflattering thoughts to be sure - but I'd be a liar to say they're not there. If I was a "missionary manager guy" and that's all I was for the rest of my career, never rising above the level I am at now, is that okay? Or is the fact that I struggle with all of this just indicative of the fact that my selfishness and lack of grasping of God's greatness runs much deeper than I like to think?

Write!

There are some moments when one comes to the computer to type, and finds nothing.

How can this be, I ask. Surely there is enough going on in my life - in fact, I know that there is - that would merit a post, a thought, an amusing anecdote? Yet there I sit, the cursor blinking in front of me, saying "Type something. Type something".

I wonder if my lack of typing is created from a true lack of material to type on or a kind of unconscious reticence to write about certain subjects. Not about others - I think long ago I gave up the ability to really concerned about such things, and have reached sufficient ability to speak generally.

No, it's reticence about myself, coming only during periods which seem to mirror when I've discovered either unpleasant truths or pleasant ideas which will require me to act on them.

We will not change until the pain of inaction becomes greater than the pain of action. Some really smart person said that (or words like it) once. How amusing (in a sick sort of way) that I keep getting reminded that it's true.

500

Something funny happened last night when I was on my way to the blog - I hit 500 posts (technically, this is 501).

No-one is more shocked than I, frankly. I am not one who is know for his ability to persevere in an activity for any great length of time - especially if there's not food involved! - so the fact that this has been kept with (more or less) for 4 years is something of a surprise.

So thanks to everyone who has stopped by to read or comment or just snicker. Here's to 500 more!

Monomaniacal

I talked with Otis driving home from work today, trying to begin the process of walking through my experience of the last five years. One comment I had - one that had come up when talking with Uisdean Ruadh the previous night - was that part of thing that surprised me when I thought about the totality of my experience was the vehemence when I began to dwell on the relationship of Himself and me during the experience.

I say vehemence since I have not physically interacted with Himself in for 3.5 years, and not heard from him at all in 3 years. Yet when the subject comes up, I almost become monomaniacal in my sudden need to know, to find out.

At the least, it's not healthy.

Why is this? What is it about this relationship, or about the circumstances surrounding it, that make it so intense? If I have to sit and think about it, what comes to my mind is the need to feel like I ...

I need to be approved.

I have, deep in the bowels of my soul, this incessant need to be liked, to be recognized. When I reflect over the final failure of The Firm and the dissolving of the friendship thereafter - a friendship of 13 years prior spanning 3 states and 5 moves - one of two thing comes to mind: I was either of no use or not enough success minded. Either of this makes me feel like I lacked value - something that someone who desires to be liked cannot bear more than anything. Thus, I seem to cling to shreds of facts, hoping that I can find some clue as to why I was "abandoned".

This is obviously only my side of the story, of course (there are always two), and I am sure that Himself had a set of useful and good reasons why he chose the actions that he did. Much as I like to think of myself as the "practically perfect" friend, I've got flaws running through my soul like faults through the earth.

But if I look at that - this need to be approved - how much of my life and where I am now comes from decisions made on that need? When I started the Firm, why did I go - was it truly for the best reasons, or was it because I felt like if I didn't jump now, I would be abandoned - and thus not approved. Are the other decisions in the last five years - maybe the whole of my life - that relate to this need to be approved?

And if so, how does one combat this? How does one make approval something less than necessary?

"Really? Really?"

I am finding that have two entirely different people living inside my mind: one, an adventurous "Let's go out and live! Take a risk! Do something Exciting" person (Let's call him Pennsylvania TB, shall we?) and a "No no, I'm a quiet life person. Don't make waves. Be diligent, do what your given." (Let's call him The Clerk).

A small yet typical interaction. Yesterday afternoon at work, I was going through a testing procedure that involved Pearson's product moment correlation-coefficient, checking the spreadsheet to make sure that the formula was there. Suddenly, Pennsylvania TB showed up in room screaming "What you are doing? Are puzzling over a formula to a document that no-one will ever look at? Really? Really?"

To which The Clerk quietly replied "It's our job. We need to do it. Be quiet and let me do this."

Frustrating to say the least, especially when I'm driving home and all I can hear in my head is "Really? Really?" and "We need to do it. Be quiet and let me do this."

But so often this seems to be the ebb and flow of my life between this seeming call to excitement and adventure and fulfillment (with no idea how to get there or what it means) versus the doing the work to support my family and life on things that, in my heart of heart, I know simply don't matter - the work that a man could spend his whole life doing and wake up at the end of it to realize that he was capable of more.

How do I integrate these two, the wild eyed adventurer with his zest and risk taking and the clerk with his diligence to do the right thing, even if it's boring?

Reset

I was chatting on the phone last night with Uisdean Ruadh (yes, he is still out of a job and yes, he could still use your prayers) commenting about the state of affairs of my life, the fact that I had been fighting what was a seemingly low grade depression for weeks now. In a flash of obviousness, I said "You know, it's like we are at the end of a long five year process that was kicked off in 2004 by starting the Firm and buying our house. My hope is that by the end of the year, the house will be sold, thus effectively closing out that chapter of our lives."

As I said it, I suddenly realized why I have not been able to get a handle on the problem before: it's breadth. It's almost five years of living a particular situation, followed by the seemingly endless case of a slow motion train wreck, that can't be fully viewed until after the dust settles.

Fortunately for me, I write - I have almost 5 years of journalling and blog entries covering this entire period. The question is, will I mine this resource?

I sat down last night and began making a list of the things I needed to do between now and the end of the year. It is surprisingly light - but that's okay. Hopefully by the end of the year, Old Home will be put to bed - thus drawing a curtain on a long story.

And hopefully, I'll have gleaned the necessary lessons out of it.

Jaw Harp Coolness

Weirdness for a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Thought for a Rainy Friday

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life and don't let the noise of others opinions' drown out your own inner voice. More important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become." - Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement, 2005

For Them Or For You

As I was pondering over the seemingly never ending of work at my desk and the continued thoughts of the future of gnawing at my brain, I suddenly had a flash of inspiration.

For you or for them.

Great, I asked my flash of inspiration. Would you care to elaborate?

No, it replied, as it flitted out of my office down to the coffee machine to get a refill.

Fine. I"ll figure it out on my own.

So I sat and thought about it, the papers slowly sliding around on my desk, migrating from pile to pile, my Microsoft Outlook helpfully going "ping" every time I received a new piece of e-mail. I thought and thought and thought and thought.

And then it hit me: who am I working for?

Yes, of course I know I'm working for a company. But as I've lectured myself and others for years, don't invest all your hopes in any company: they will take all the labor you can give them, be thankful for it, and then let you go at the drop of a hat. Your loyalty may be encouraged, but theirs is not guaranteed.

But I still have to work for them.

Or I still have to work.

The key, as it suddenly became apparent, is that I am working for myself, at a particular company. Am I not getting additional benefits from investing in my career through greater understanding, new skills, or even better at what I do? That's my fault, not theirs. I have a great deal of latitude within my assigned tasks to choose what I do and how I do it - they just care that the work gets done.

And those sometime extra hours and long nights? Again, if I'm getting nothing out of it except what a paycheck, it's for them. If I'm learning something out of the opportunities I'm given, it's for me.

In a somewhat bizarre way, it relates back to that getting and becoming discussion I had here and here. What am I becoming as I do any job that I do: a more skilled employee and well rounded person, or someone who just collects a paycheck and grumbles about it?

Towering Pride

So as a response to my October Thinking post, Songbird wrote:

"What if the recent changes in your life that prompted the decision to move to Austin really are for the benefit of someone other than you? It sounds cold, but what if God is gently manipulating things not to provide you with an amazing new life but to begin to move pieces around in the life/lives of the girls, who are just starting on their life paths?"

"Hmm" I initially thought. "What an interesting idea. Interesting - but of course events in my life center around me, and if other's benefit, so much the better."

And then I looked at it again. And my thought processes. And got repulsed.

I am often so self absorbed that even when I don't think it's about me, I think it's about me. The concept that events might happen in my life not for the benefit of me but for the benefit of others is something I think I can say I have never truly processed.

I probably make a mistake when I assume that God's actions in my life are always to benefit me, directly or no. Sure, I often spout that events are for God's glory and my good - but that presumes that "good" means that it is a benefit to me. The concept that something may directly affect me for the benefit of someone else is, well, bad. Very bad. After all, that might call into question this whole "completed life according to my plan" thing.

Can I consciously and honestly deal with the concept that in the event nothing in my life ever directly occurred to benefit me but benefited those around me, it would be okay? When I say I want the best for Na Clann, do I understand the best to possibly be to my detriment?

The next sound you hear will be my pride tumbling off the Precipice of Humility for a long fall to the ground...

Career Tar Pit

Stumbling in enthusiasm at work again. The "Let's try harder to build a better process" seems to have settled into the "I have a lot to do on my list - what can I get off it today" mode.

It's good to have a list. It's good to have a job. What I guess is disappointing to me the sense at which my job has become simply that, a job, a seemingly endless list of things to take care of before I go home in the evening.

There is a certain sense (at least for myself) of fear. Call it the remaining deposit from my layoff. I am very sensitive both to senior management and what they do, looking for evidence that something may occur or is going on. It tends to create this very bizarre dynamic of feeling like so much of what you do is not relevant even as you work your best on the non relevant in the fear that if a job cut comes, you will not be caught in it.

It also makes me wonder what it takes to break out of such a rut. I'm trying - making sure that I am more action oriented (i.e. the list), reading industry publications and trying to apply them, making an attempting to improve the way the company works, reading in the success stories of others trying to get inspired. Usually that can carry me through the first half of the day; by the second half, I am feeling beat down, tired, and depressed. And always, at the back of my head, is are the thoughts "This is for naught" or "There will be more of the same tomorrow."

How does one break out of the seeming tar pit of a stale career?

Memento Mori

One of those "Life coming to a screeching halt" moments yesterday. When I arrived home from work, I found out that the father of one of Nighean gheal's classmates died on Sunday night of a heart attack. He was 30 years old.

It's facts like this that bring into focus both the poignancy and the brevity of life as well as the total (and probably necessary) consideration of everything I do. Plans that you have or want suddenly come into question. "If I went before God tonight" you wonder, "what would He say about this activity? About that plan? Am I truly spending my life on what matters - or am I just fooling myself?"

It brings sharply into focus as well the concept (nay, the fact) that one does not know how long one has; therefore, why don't we do for God with all our might? So often I fool myself with the reality that life is not what it is, that I will always have the time (and more and more the health as well) to accomplish all these "things" that I want to do.

Which, if you think about it, is exactly where Satan wants us: always convincing ourselves that there will be enough time and resources tomorrow to accomplish things for God; that it is okay to do this now because there will be plenty of time to live for God tomorrow; that great works for God are laid in the seeds we plant today, not in the massive effort we magically make in 20 years.

As I go through my list of activities, interests and relationships it is time to reconsider each and every one in the light of eternity: Is this serving God? If not, why is it in my life? Am I truly spending my time -really, let's be fair, God's time that He has gifted me - in the best way possible? Or am I wasting it and the resources He's granted me on lesser things, things that simple have no true value and will not last?

If I died today, how would I stand with God?

October Thinking

And lo, October is upon us.

The advance of the seasons is weighing heavily upon me this year. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is simply because of the move and the fact that "seasons" here seem to mean a very different thing (Rain? In September? Who heard of such a event?) or perhaps it's simply the sense that being removed from so much that is familiar brings the time of renewal that is the Fall into focus.

I have been reflecting a great deal on the situation of my life at the moment - essentially, where I am, how did I get here, and where do I go from here. The harsh and painful reality is that 40 is not coming again - to make plans as if I had the rest of my life at 20 is both foolish and unproductive (as if, I suppose, I had seriously made plans at 20).

Hmm. Seriously made plans at 20. There's the rub - how effective have I really been at making plans for anything? If you've read here for any length, you know that I have often - perhaps always - struggled with goal setting, both the simple act of it as well as a seemingly incessant need to get the approval of others for my goals (ultimately, the approval of God). And here I am, seemingly at a point which doesn't reflect any goals that I might have had.

This situation cannot continue.

I am reminded of this as I look around at my current job and realize that for the bulk of people there, they seemingly have no aspiration or cares of moving on or where they're going -not that there is anything inherently wrong with that, except that it creates the situation that one becomes dependent on one's employer to determine one's career future - and one's employer, as I have found out, can be extraordinarily fickle.

So what do I do about it?

I'm trying to start some things, even if it is as simple as sitting down daily to think about things, to write stuff down, to get a sense of where I would like to go in my life (God Willing). At least have some sense of planning versus blundering into situation after situation.

God forbid next year I'm at precisely the same place.

Frustration

So yesterday we had Day One of a two day audit from a company - an overseas company, in this case.

An audit, you say? In my line of business, companies verify that their vendors or potential vendors are operating in compliance with appropriate codes and regulations by performing an audit. Typically these are one or two day events which involve a presentation, a tour, and lots of document review. Since I have arrived at New Company, we've had 3-4, with promise of at least three more before the end of the year.

They're a bit of a pain, because of course you have no other focus during the day except the audit. You pull paperwork, you sit, you answer questions, you try to explain some things away, you prepare your responses in your head as they read the observations. Then you go back exhausted (they always eat up a great deal of energy) the next day to put everything back in place, prepare your formal responses, and then catch up on all the work that didn't get done.

Did I mention they're not my favorite thing?

This particular audit has turned out to be more interesting, because I was apparently put in charge of it even though I don't know much about the project and really have no power to do anything. The one in charge apparently assumed that I would take care of everything (it's in my job description, right?) even though I was never allowed to actually talk to the clients or understand the project. Then, when observations are made, it's "Why didn't we catch this?" and "What will we do to fix this by tomorrow?" (the we, of course, being me).

It's very frustrating. It's being made responsible for the conduct and outcome of something you have no control of. It also frustrates me on a grander career level, as these things come and go, yet the fruits of them - that ever popular "results produce good things" - never really seems to pan out. If you're successful, it's taken for granted. If they fail, you're left with fixing failures that you are not really responsible for.

If this is the road to success, I want nothing more to do with it.

Roll of Thunder

The sky has been cracking all this AM. Not with the piddly Old Home thunder booms, with maybe one, then a long silence, then another one, but with the long, rolling booms, the cracks the just seem to carry on and on, the explosions of sound that literally rattle the house.

It was a good reminder this morning of what I was reading last evening, Revelation 6, with the coming of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse - or even an extension of the evening before with Revelation 5. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in myself and my life that I forget the vastness and majesty - and power - of God.

As I read and studied and thought on the matter, what amazed me is the double shortsightedness of myself: one, that I sometimes take the whole character of God for granted (love versus hatred of evil and justice), and two, that if I believe that there truly is an end of the world and judgement (and if you die tomorrow, it's essentially the end of the world for you), that I continue to trifle so often with lesser things and take that which is eternal less seriously than that which is temporal, engaging in the breezes of conversation today ignoring the hurricane that is God's judgement tomorrow.

Such weakness of character shames me.

Picking Up Where I Left Off

Yesterday I did something I truly think I have only done a handful of times.

As I believe I mentioned in August, I lost my planner - or at least misplaced it, since no-one called about it and knowing me, that's quite possible. I have had a very defined path in the past when I fail at something or make what I consider a foolish mistake (or even, if I think about it, when I come to the realization that to be the best, it will take a lot more than where I am at): I simply stop doing it.

In the past, this would have meant that I stopped using the planner, that I shrug and never mention it again, or maybe just talk about it as "In the past, I used to do this."

But, for the first time that I can remember in a long time, I picked up where I left off.

I went to Wal-Mart and picked up another book (I use accounts receivable books - they're cheap and small), and spent part of yesterday getting ready - not just with the basic layout, but with recopying all the information that I typical put in one: quotes, numbers, addresses. I am ready, at least for the last quarter of the year, to continue to document and organize.

Do I still feel foolish about misplacing the other one? Sure I do. But foolish enough to consciously ignore the fact that it is a useful tool and I need to be more organized, not less? I don't think so.

Just because I stumbled does not mean I failed. I only fail if I stop there instead of standing up, dusting myself off, and picking up where I left off.

Morning Walks

I have been taking Syrah for walks in the morning at New Home.

I had not intended to take her originally - morning was really my alone time, so I would try to slip out and walk/run. Unfortunately for my "quiet", Syrah has fine hearing, and one day The Ravishing Mrs. TB requested that I take her with me (or at least shut the bedroom door) because after I left she was a little excited - which, at 5:15 AM, is a bit of a problem.

So out we went.

Walking here is very different than walking in Old Home. We are about a mile from the freeway, which is farther than we used to be, and there are trees and buildings between us and it. The result is that remarkably, walking through our neighborhood in an Urban area feels much more isolated than walking did in our small town. Especially early in the morning, nobody is out (it's a new home thing - people just start later here). We've also been blessed with cool rainy weather (mid 60's), so it is incredibly pleasant. We walk around the neighborhoods, past the legions of oak trees and the homes which are (for the most part) dark, the lawns which are (thankfully here!) green, and occasional garden snake or possum that stumbles across our path.

So we walk, Syrah and I - sometimes run - just enjoying the quiet and the dark and the cool. I used to just value the time with myself and God, but now I think I value the time with myself, God, and Syrah more.

Ticket for an Aeroplane

So I'm going to see Otis and Buttercup in November, actually following up on a plan I made.

Back in January, before the layoff, Otis and I discussed going to see a speaker we both value as he was going to be appearing in Seattle. "Hey", I said, "Why don't I just fly up there and see it with you? We can go, hang out, mock you, say hi to the beautiful Buttercup, and wander on my way?"

"Sounds good, especially the mocking me part" said Otis (or at least, that's how I recall the conversation running).

And then the layoffs came, with all the chaos that ensued. Otis asked me once or twice "Are we still on?" and I'd always answer "Sure".

So then it came to crunch time - this week. Not sure how I was going to pay for it, and was thinking about not doing it. And then the thought hit me: this was a commitment that I made to myself. I would not back out on a commitment I made to others - why do I treat myself with less respect?

How to pay? Suddenly, the thought drifted in my head "You've got miles on United you've never used. How about those?". And earlier in the week, I got my "rebate" from the phone company in the form of a Visa gift card. And there, amazingly enough, my inability to solve the practical side was solved (That whole "God is in Control" thing).

There are a couple of lessons I draw from this:

1) (And I should know this) Keep the commitments you make to yourself. Worry about that foremost. The rest will work itself out.

2) If you want something bad enough, a way will appear. Don't discount the hand of God in our lives.

So off I will go in November to enjoy the cool Pacific Northwest and friends.

And, of course, mocking Otis. He told me it was okay...

Endzones

Part of my attempt to reinvent my life is in my schedule. Simply put, my ability to schedule my own life is appalling, especially in light of the fact that I have some known factors: I know that I need to leave the house by 6:30 AM to arrive at 7:00 AM for work, and I know that it takes me a while to get up in the morning, so I really need to get up around 5:00 AM to manage myself and be sure I'm awake when I drive. I am also one of those individuals which needs at least 7 hours of sleep a night to function - otherwise I am less focused during the day and loss my concentration and energy at night, negating every attempt to do anything else.

So I realized last night that I need to introduce some structure into my life, some fixed points - self discipline, if you will. The first - indeed the easiest - is bedtime. It strike me as interesting because I am always calling on Na Clann to be in bed on time, but don't apply the same standard to myself even though the same natural laws apply to me. So based on all of the above, I set the bedtime: 10:00 PM. I have to be in bed - not in bed with a book, not brushing my teeth to be in bed, not even praying -in bed, lights out at 10.

My thought is that if I can start to ingrain these endzones in my life - when I get up, when I go to sleep- I will not only have energy and a sense of regularity, I will always begin to introduce a greater level of structure to my life. With structure comes discipline and with discipline comes the ability to both achieve more and achieve better.

And, of course, more sleep.

Rawness of Soul

This thought floated through my head this morning as I took Syrah the Mighty for a walk this morning.

"Well Hello" I said. "Where are you from?"

The thought refused to answer me. It just kind of hung there to the edge of my vision at the right, apparently avoiding getting run over by the dog as she investigated the night's scents.

"Okay, fine then. Keep your secrets" I muttered as I continued along. "If you won't co-operate, I'll do it on my own."

So on I walked, the dog straining at her leash back and forth across the road, as I pondered and the thought floated along beside me.

Was my soul feel raw? No doubt about it. What did that mean precisely? A sense of unhappiness and anger running through all my activities; a sense of helplessness in the face of life.

Helpless in the face of life? Yes. How helpless? Helpless in the sense of feeling that I have so very little control over vast swaths of my life and that I am essentially unable to take control - in fact, that even if I got control, I wouldn't know what to do.

Goals, yes, I know. Goals are supposed to help that -except when you seem to have problems setting them, and the ones that you do set seem impossible to achieve the moment you set them.

Which leaves one feeling trapped, a cog in a giant machine, with nothing but more of the same tomorrow - which leads to rawness of soul, become upset at the slightest thing.

"So if that's the idea" I asked, "How do I overcome it?" The thought just kind of drifted off a little more to the right, closemouthed (as so many thoughts are) about anything other than its existence.

But even though it wouldn't talk, the question still remains. I think I have an answer, I'm just not sure how to apply it: For me at least, it just takes one thought to cascade onto a different thought pattern. What is that one thought, that one action, that will be lodestone for a different set of cascading thoughts?

Permission to Succeed

I hit a moment Friday night when I left work 2 hours after I intended to. The reason: at 1615, my boss brought me a presentation which I had created to make to executive management, one he had a week at least. The verdict: it was lacking two things, and therefore we couldn't move it on for review prior to presenting it.

As I drove away, having put something together, my frustration bubbled over in the car. I've been here before, done this before - the whole "Get something together because it's your job but you can't do anything with it". In a real way, it feels like I'm living the same day over and over again at different jobs.

But then a thought rose to the top this morning, as I continued to replay the tape of the whole experience in my head: What am I doing here?

Not in the sense of this job (Been down the "Let's do something different RIGHT NOW!" path. That didn't go so well), but in the sense of my life. I constantly seem to be putting myself in the position of being a worker without decision making power or ability. The fact that more often that not I seem to let it happen in my personal life doesn't help matters either.

And then, floating down gently from where I put it two weeks ago, the thought came down "Why do you not give yourself permission to succeed?"

Permission to succeed? Seems axiomatic, doesn't it? That's the point - we don't go about our life with the intent to fail. Do we?

Success is scary. Striving to succeed means you make a commitment to something, and let other things go. It means that you may have no evidence that you will succeed except for the belief in you. Success means you are constantly trying to move forward, slowly or imperceptibly at times, but forward nonetheless. It means that you grasp that you are the one who has to do this: no-one can (or will) do this for you.

And that is scary. It is far easier to slip into the mode of just showing up, doing what's required of you, and going home - except when the realization gnaws at you that you are capable of more - in my case, than of arguing the case of need for failure rates of quarterly projects.

But one has to get permission from one's self. Otherwise (as I've discovered to my shame) you spend endless amounts of time and energy working yourself up to it only to say "No, I don't really deserve that. I should just be content."

In a very real sense, I need to practice the concept of shinigurai - literally Japanese for "being crazy to die", the idea of leaping into the jaws of death. I need to be crazy - crazy to succeed. As my quote to the right says, "Common sense will not accomplish great things. Simply become insane and desperate (shinigurai arimasu)."

Elsewise, 20 years from now, I will still be preparing reports to be buried in files and forgotten.

One Month

Today represents the one month anniversary of An Toglach being here in New Home, of us being together.

In many ways, it has been good: Na Clann have adjusted, the house has come together nicely (and is continuing to do so), The Ravishing Mrs. TB has started making connections with people, Syrah the Mighty has not tried to dig out of yard once.

And me? I'm hanging in there. Getting used to a commute - although a much reduced one - has been a bit of a challenge, as has getting adjusted to a new schedule of rising. It will be handy to have the house in Old Home taken care of, and hopefully that last step will get started this week.

Honestly, the biggest challenge I am facing this moment is not falling back into the same rut - using this as a springboard to evaluate my life and activities therein, and perhaps make changes (after all, we're only gaining speed downhill now!) instead of just doing what I've always done -or rushing into doing a great many more things. It's odd how much creatures of habit we can become.

Getting and Becoming II

This whole thought? metaphor? of getting versus becoming has really taken off for me as a point of consideration - probably because it is simple enough for my limited mind to wrap itself around. It has given me a peg to hang so many of my daily activities and actions around - "What are you becoming by doing this? What are you not becoming by doing this?" - that it becomes one of those concepts which are deceptively simple but life changing in their application.

But it leads me down the second road, which is "What do you want to become?" Rats - I knew there was some deep effort of thought involved here. I just thought I had moved beyond it.

So what do I want to become? The immediate, I-should-answer-this-way response is "to become more Christlike." Okay, right enough - but what does that mean (again, one of those deceptively simple responses that becomes life changing in their application)? What does that mean on a practical basis in my relationship with God, my relationship with my wife and family and coworkers, with the world at large? (Side thought: I always thank God for what I am getting - do I thank Him for what I am becoming and petition for more?)

In a work sense (since I spend so much time there), what does this mean? Some thoughts:
- What will your next job be?
- Where will it be?
- What will your title be and what will you be doing?
- When will you make the switch?

From here (working backwards), what I should I be in the process of becoming to get to that endpoint?

Or all the other activities in my life: what do I want to become by them? If they are nothing but time fillers, are they needed? Can I work back from the end, get to where I am now, and consider what I need to be doing?

Like I said, deceptively simple but life changing in application.

Getting and Becoming

In digging through my desk drawer at work yesterday rifling through articles that one always saves from industry magazines in the vain hope that one day it will be useful, I suddenly came across one that was useful - but not in the way that I thought.

It was called "Short Term Benefits or Long Term Growth? Are short term rewards keeping you on a career plateau?" The author , one D. G. Jensen, starts by looking at his own career growth, and suddenly coming to the point that he realizes he is valuing the comfort of the known versus increasing his value "because it was the easiest thing to do". He then reflects on those individuals (he's a recruiter) who have been the best candidates, and notes that they are always focusing on long term goals and measuring their opportunities within and without of a company.

He then quotes Jim Rohn from Seven Keys to Wealth and Happiness, who says to ask a question of yourself regularly - not "What am I getting? " (i.e. salary, benefits, "perks"), but "What am I becoming?"

From the article: "He (Rohn) believes that what you become in your career direct influences what you get on the job, and that by keeping you eye on this aspect of your personal development you will be far more richly rewarded. Jim advises that you check back regularly to make certain that you are becoming a person who provides increasing value to whomever employs you."

This article struck a chord in me - not just in my career, for which I needed the reminder, but personally. Getting versus becoming. Too often in my own life, I am more concerned with the immediate gratification - the getting - than the things that take time and effort, but make a difference farther down the road - the becoming.

It also raises the importance and levels of goals - after all, how can you aim for the target that you don't know, don't see, or don't have?

But it comes back to those darn choices again: to do A, I cannot do be. To have some goals, I cannot have others. There are, of course, always things in life that we cannot do - but I am allowing my indecision and the "getting" of the feeling of choice to defeat the "becoming" of achieving something - indeed anything.

Another good question to ask myself during the day: What am I becoming?

Ave atque Vale

Something I failed to write about almost two weeks ago - by choice mostly - was the passing of our last cat, Cedric. I could, I suppose, come up with many rationalizations as to why I didn't write on it; the reality is, it's still a little painful.

Cedric was the first of the cats we got in 1994. We adopted him from the pound: we pulled him out of the cage, he put his paws around my neck, and we were done.

He was a loving cat - he loved to sleep with me and Allison on the bed, loved to get petted. Even later, after he moved out to the garage because of urinating inside, he was still always happy to see us, running up in the morning chirping, ready for his morning food, even tolerating Na Clann to pet him.

He went outdoor sometime around 2003-2004, and seemed to love it: he never wandered too far from the house, loved laying out in the sun, and generally seemed happy. Because he was out during the day, we saw less of each other.

By a fluke of the move (and his travel arrangements), he ended up sleeping in my lap or under my seat most of the drive out here in August. He was already so thin then but still happy. It was a happy experience, as we had not spent so much time together in a while. He purred and was very happy.

I'm not sure if the move, or the change, or even the temperature change (although he was inside) did something, but he suddenly started to decline rapidly - he was, by that time, at least 15 years older if not more. Finally, one Thursday two weeks ago, we made the trip to vets. The vet looked at him and said "It looks like you've gone just about as far as you can go."

And with that, we were done.

He's out on the side of the house now, underneath two irises in the sun he loved to sleep in so much.

Hail and Farewell, Old Friend.

Recognition

I had one of those jarring moments at work about two weeks ago - the kind you look back on and say "Hey, that was a fork in the road and I don't think I missed it - for once."

As I believe I mentioned, we had a quasi-regulatory audit at work. A big deal actually - without receiving a favorable audit report, our ability to sell product here and abroad would be compromised. Myself and my department work incredibly hard to ensure a successful audit, including long hours over two weeks spent to make sure everything was attended to.

After the audit, which was successful, I looked to my manager and asked him if someone was going to publish something to the company (we're 95 people, so it's not as if we're big) mentioning the successful audit. "No" was the response. I kept waiting for someone of higher authority to say something, but I was (apparently) waiting in vain. Finally I went to my boss again and said "Does anyone ever notify anyone here?" Again, the response was "No".

And then suddenly it burst on my consciousness like the rapid dawn that I was looking for something out of work, and life, that I would simply not find: thanks for what was done.

I realized that over my life, I've come to expect to be recognized in some form or fashion for at least results, if not effort. Probably this is a reflection of the fact that I am pretty good at school, which always recognizes effort.

The sad reality (and the one I realized) is that in fact effort will not be realized, and probably not success either - at least by others. Sure, the results may result in something - or they may not. But one shouldn't count on it.

In a sense, how incredibly freeing. Suddenly, I do not have to go around thinking I will be recognized and wondering why I am not - I'm not going to be. On the other hand, it frees me from the tyranny of having to wait for the recognition to begin or to assess my ability to do a good job.

It also means that I've elevated men and women to the place of God: people will not always recognize effort and success; God always will, in eternity if not here.

Whether on earth I move forward or do not, it now lies in my hands. To wait for the approbation or support of others, even though it might be nice, is naive at best and foolish at worst.

Garage Packages

The garage is in its essentially "organized" state pending a further going through by The Ravishing Mrs. TB. I finished it up this morning, as with the rain throughout the day there was not much else to do outside. Pending a little shifting, the Conveyance should be able to fit in there.

It was one of those moments, the kind that seem to come repeatedly when one is packing or unpacking: where did all this stuff come from? Why did we save it? What does it do?

Blame it on my father if you will: he has become increasingly minimalist as he goes, not so much for things which are useful but for things which aren't. I'm trying to become more so myself, always asking (or trying to ask) "Do we need this? What will it do for us?"

Having to unpack items hauled halfway across the country is one thing. Having to look at the value of everything you have (when it was new, of course) and indexed for inflation after trying to crawl your way out from under a business failure and a short sale.

Try to make better decisions, of course. Try to encourage your children to do it to: No, we don't need everything we see. Yes, saving money is not nearly as fun but is far more valuable.

The older I get, the more I tend to value money, not for the money, but for the freedom and independence it represents.

Priorities

God is banging on my life again, trying to get my attention - about time.

As I have come to figure out my schedule here in New Home, and begun to realize the issues of reconnecting the parts that have been disconnected, I realized that 1) I'm not spending the amount and quality of time with God that I should for what I profess, and 2) I'm not spending the amount and quality of time with my family that I should (having been disconnected by distance).

And now, looking at the time that exists combined with moving, it begins to become clear that there is not all the time in the world and that some hard choices have to be made at this juncture.

Three of the choices - My relationship with God, my relationship with my family, and health (i.e. exercise and nutrition) were not at all difficult to make, as they are truly critical (even the health - if you lose that, you can do so much less). The difficulty came when I started looking at the other things.

I gave myself a limit of five: five things to focus my life around and on. Leaving the three aside, I came up with four more for two positions: an independent lifestyle, Japanese (language), writing (for a book), and playing the harp).

The independent lifestyle - financially, and to the greatest point possible materially, took position number four. We - I - need to get serious about that, especially since it is my earnings that will largely be responsible for my family's future, and it gives me the opportunity to practice being more independent.

Which left the one and the three. I have wrestled with each, measuring pros and cons, what do I like to do, what would be the most beneficial to do. And then the thought occurred: Why not let God decide?

So I have given it over to Him. I'll try to do all three just to try but I'm in no hurry; the biggest thing is to continually pray and reflect on them. If I get more than one, great. If I only get one - and that one is what God wants - then that's okay too.

Doldrums

I realized something this afternoon as I was on a date with Nighean dhonn:

I'm depressed.

And how, you might ask, would I realize this from a date with my daughter?

It struck me as we were going through Borders, looking at books - which constitutes virtually one of the perfect activities for me. As I was looking through, toying with the idea of purchasing a book, suddenly the thought came to me "Why? What for? Is it a wise use of your money?"

Suddenly my reading material of the last week and its tendencies - fantasy and sci fi - made total sense to me: escapism. It meshed with the feeling of dissatisfaction I have been fighting for the last month or so: inability to concentrate on things I am doing, a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.

In an odd way, it is not the sense I usually have from depression: a definite sense of downness, of sadness. It's much more of a listlessness's of the soul, a lack of interest in anything.

So here's the question: not having a severe sense of sadness or any motivation, how does one restart one's engine?

The Month That Was

So hello September! August, we hardly knew ye...


August was a whirlwind of activity for numerous reasons:

1) Getting our rental in New Home.

2) Driving back from New Home with the animals

3) Having all our worldly possessions put into our home by movers - and then trying to find them!

4) Having to say goodbye to two old friends (Cedric and Fergus) within 3 weeks of each other.

5) Having The Ravishing Mrs. TB and Na Clann arrive here from Old Home.

6) Having to completely manage my first audit from an NGO that allows us to market product.

Whew!

What strikes me as I now try to dig back out from the rubble of what is my life is what creatures of habit we can become. A little disruption to my schedule, and suddenly all of my good intentions and goals fall apart. Which raises the question: how seriously was I committed to those things anyway?

It's easy to develop a regime and goal living on your own, confining your responsibilities and actions to yourself. It's much more difficult to do the same when you have the reality of life impinging in.

Yet I continue to cling to those things as if I could accomplish them, when in fact it may more be a case of my pride rather than realistic chances.

What are goals? What are meaningful things? What has true value, what is valueless, and what is merely to make me feel better about myself?