Monday, October 05, 2009

October Thinking

And lo, October is upon us.

The advance of the seasons is weighing heavily upon me this year. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is simply because of the move and the fact that "seasons" here seem to mean a very different thing (Rain? In September? Who heard of such a event?) or perhaps it's simply the sense that being removed from so much that is familiar brings the time of renewal that is the Fall into focus.

I have been reflecting a great deal on the situation of my life at the moment - essentially, where I am, how did I get here, and where do I go from here. The harsh and painful reality is that 40 is not coming again - to make plans as if I had the rest of my life at 20 is both foolish and unproductive (as if, I suppose, I had seriously made plans at 20).

Hmm. Seriously made plans at 20. There's the rub - how effective have I really been at making plans for anything? If you've read here for any length, you know that I have often - perhaps always - struggled with goal setting, both the simple act of it as well as a seemingly incessant need to get the approval of others for my goals (ultimately, the approval of God). And here I am, seemingly at a point which doesn't reflect any goals that I might have had.

This situation cannot continue.

I am reminded of this as I look around at my current job and realize that for the bulk of people there, they seemingly have no aspiration or cares of moving on or where they're going -not that there is anything inherently wrong with that, except that it creates the situation that one becomes dependent on one's employer to determine one's career future - and one's employer, as I have found out, can be extraordinarily fickle.

So what do I do about it?

I'm trying to start some things, even if it is as simple as sitting down daily to think about things, to write stuff down, to get a sense of where I would like to go in my life (God Willing). At least have some sense of planning versus blundering into situation after situation.

God forbid next year I'm at precisely the same place.

4 comments:

  1. Interestingly enough, our Pastor touched on this subject in Sunday's sermon. The Sermon was on Luke 1:26-38 and in reference to Mary and the Angel Gabriel coming to her and telling her that she would give birth to Jesus.
    It seems many of us have these plans of how our lives are going to turn out and we have the plans laid out ahead of us for the next month, year, decade, etc. and then God shows up and says something to the affect, "No, I think we are going to go this way.." Although, now that I think about it since you just had a major life change, I am preaching to the choir....

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  2. There's a seemingly delicate balance between the intervention of God and what we are to do ourselves. My fear is that I too often have done nothing "waiting" for God to show me the way, when in fact I should have made decisions and set goals on my own. On the other hand, all the goal setting I did for my life in Old Home have been set by the wayside (and then some), so one wonders what the point of all the planning and scheming was.

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  3. what if the recent changes in your life that prompted the decision to move to Austin really are for the benefit of someone other than you? It sounds cold, but what if God is gently manipulating things not to provide you with an amazing new life but to begin to move pieces around in the life/lives of the girls, who are just starting on their life paths?

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  4. A good point Songbird - so often I get caught up in being the center of my universe (that's the way it is, right?)that I sometimes forget that there are other people involved.

    When that thought finally penetrates my brain, the next thought that comes into my mind is "That's so unfair. What about me? I'm the one that has to put up with...(fill in the blank)." I can certainly get caught in the "I deserve a fabulous life" concept - far too easily, perhaps.

    Hmm. A brand new area of self centeredness. Maybe worthy of a new post...

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