Monomaniacal

I talked with Otis driving home from work today, trying to begin the process of walking through my experience of the last five years. One comment I had - one that had come up when talking with Uisdean Ruadh the previous night - was that part of thing that surprised me when I thought about the totality of my experience was the vehemence when I began to dwell on the relationship of Himself and me during the experience.

I say vehemence since I have not physically interacted with Himself in for 3.5 years, and not heard from him at all in 3 years. Yet when the subject comes up, I almost become monomaniacal in my sudden need to know, to find out.

At the least, it's not healthy.

Why is this? What is it about this relationship, or about the circumstances surrounding it, that make it so intense? If I have to sit and think about it, what comes to my mind is the need to feel like I ...

I need to be approved.

I have, deep in the bowels of my soul, this incessant need to be liked, to be recognized. When I reflect over the final failure of The Firm and the dissolving of the friendship thereafter - a friendship of 13 years prior spanning 3 states and 5 moves - one of two thing comes to mind: I was either of no use or not enough success minded. Either of this makes me feel like I lacked value - something that someone who desires to be liked cannot bear more than anything. Thus, I seem to cling to shreds of facts, hoping that I can find some clue as to why I was "abandoned".

This is obviously only my side of the story, of course (there are always two), and I am sure that Himself had a set of useful and good reasons why he chose the actions that he did. Much as I like to think of myself as the "practically perfect" friend, I've got flaws running through my soul like faults through the earth.

But if I look at that - this need to be approved - how much of my life and where I am now comes from decisions made on that need? When I started the Firm, why did I go - was it truly for the best reasons, or was it because I felt like if I didn't jump now, I would be abandoned - and thus not approved. Are the other decisions in the last five years - maybe the whole of my life - that relate to this need to be approved?

And if so, how does one combat this? How does one make approval something less than necessary?