Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Quietly pensive this morning. A little bird at work (whom I greatly respect) wandered by and commented that the change in my attitude at work had been noticed, and not only by her. "You were on fire when you got here, and now you're sliding into bitter" was the comment. "Just so you know."

I've been struggling with that comment, all the way home from work, all the way through the evening, and all the way into this morning as I got up. I've been struggling with two things really: 1) When did my attitude begin to slip; and 2) What can I do about?

When did my attitude slip? I don't know if one can either relate it to a single incident or a general malaise. The incidents tended to center around realizations of my true ability to affect change and my place in the structure. The general malaise came, I think, from a general sense of combined fear due to the economy and seemingly constant need to fight rearguard battles and sell the need of what I do.

What can I do about it? This is the even more confusing part. I've tried contemplating just muscling myself over to a different attitude through sheer willpower. That didn't work. I've tried doing inspirational reading to jump start my attitude, which again did not have the intended effect. I've tried to sell myself on the concept of being a thermostat, not a thermometer. Again, my attitude kind of looked at the concept, gave a disinterested sigh, and turned away.

There is something down deep, below all this, that is waiting to be awakened. I can feel it. My frustration is that I have no idea what I can do to wake it up and have it last.

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