There are times in life when your life is like the entry in a blog, blank, the cursor blinking, just waiting for you to start an entry.
There are times in life when you think you need to write, even though you're not really in the mood and not really sure what to write about.
There is a time when the silence of the soul becomes so deafening that the sheer act of trying to distract one's self seems as a sort of self immolation, trying to distract the thought that is hovering at the edge of the conscience that will not seemingly appear.
How odd, this. There is something that I am turning away from - yet I cannot truly tell you what it is. Only that perhaps subconsciously, I am doing everything in my power to distract myself from it.
It damns me, almost. What is this thing that I will not see or hear? I know God is trying to bring it to my attention even as I try valiantly to submerge it beneath waves of not feeling like doing anything or doing anything but that.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Technology is a wonderful thing
So it is far, far too early this morning, and I find myself in the local municipal airport. When I arrived, I was (pleasantly) surprised to find that the airport now offers free wireless Internet access.
What a change. Four years ago, when I first start with The Firm and a laptop, one paid a not insubstantial fee for limited use at the airport. You did it, of course, because that is what you needed to do.
The next step up (at my last jog) was the service, where the company paid for access for a number of hubs throughout airports and cities. Cheaper overall, I'm sure, but still, I (or the company) had to pay. An interesting subversion of this was that ATT/Yahoo also allowed me access through any Starbuck's - at one point, I was doing a work related trip completely out of Starbuck's, because that was where the access was.
And now, here I sit, typing away for free.
An interesting (and for me, within my lifetime) example of the democratizing principles of technology. At first, it is hard to come by, expensive, and and exclusive. Then, as technology becomes more advanced and produced more frequently, the cost goes down and access goes up. Finally, we reach the point where it becomes inexpensive (and available) to many.
Now, if we could only get more free coffee....
What a change. Four years ago, when I first start with The Firm and a laptop, one paid a not insubstantial fee for limited use at the airport. You did it, of course, because that is what you needed to do.
The next step up (at my last jog) was the service, where the company paid for access for a number of hubs throughout airports and cities. Cheaper overall, I'm sure, but still, I (or the company) had to pay. An interesting subversion of this was that ATT/Yahoo also allowed me access through any Starbuck's - at one point, I was doing a work related trip completely out of Starbuck's, because that was where the access was.
And now, here I sit, typing away for free.
An interesting (and for me, within my lifetime) example of the democratizing principles of technology. At first, it is hard to come by, expensive, and and exclusive. Then, as technology becomes more advanced and produced more frequently, the cost goes down and access goes up. Finally, we reach the point where it becomes inexpensive (and available) to many.
Now, if we could only get more free coffee....
Thursday, September 11, 2008
No King over Us
As part of my driving to work yesterday, I listened to my daily part of the Audio Bible on CD. Part of yesterday's listening was 1 Samuel 8, where the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king. The two parts that stuck out in my mind were, first, vv. 7-8 "And the LORD said to Samuel 'Heed the voice of the people in all that they say to you; for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them. According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt, even to this day - with which they have forsaken Me and served other gods - so they are also doing to you.'"; secondly vv. 19-20 "Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said 'No, but we will have a king over us that we also may be like all the nations and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.'"
The thing that sank into me as I pondered this was "How could the Israelites do this? They had God as their king, God to fight for them. God pledged Himself to their physical aid in a way never done to any other people. He promised to hear them and lead them, if only they obeyed His voice." The accompanying text from my study bible (John MacArthur) confirmed this "The problem was not in having a king but rather the reason the people wanted a king i.e., to be like other nations. They also foolishly assumed there would be some greater power in a king leading them into battle (p. 389)." But instead, seeing everyone around them, they wanted to be "just like them."
Pondering this a bit further, the though occurred to me (as it always seems to) "How am I different from them? Really?" Certainly, I'm not in the streets asking for a new ruler, but if I am a child of God and an heir of the kingdom, who else's authority and teaching do I constantly try to put myself under?
I ask this of myself because I am a great believer in books and reading - if I can read it, I can do it. The part that I am questioning is those books I go to for success in living or life. I go to them because I am looking for a better way to be successful, perhaps even to indulge my sins (greed, covetousness) under the banner of Being Better for God.
Is there anything inherently wrong with most of the genre? Not in and of themselves, although many of them seem to have a rather flawed spiritual view. Certainly, I have learned useful organizational tools from them.
But if I am honest, that's not only reason I go. I go because I desperately want the secret, the one thing, the idea that will push me over the top and make me successful. Heaven forfend I should go to God about this - not only are the things sometimes hard to get out of it (Proverbs 6:6-11 has a fine discussion of planning ahead (scheduling) and diligence, but you actually have think about it and there's no handy graph), but that I immediately expose myself to His goals and His authority, which is certainly not what my self love desires.
In a sense, I realized, every time I go somewhere else to seek guidance on life and living, I am telling the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the One who loved us so much that He gave His only son to die for us - that God; I am telling Him "I don't want you to be King over my life."
Oh, I want the salvation. I want to be saved from my sin, to go to Heaven, maybe even to become more Christlike if it improves my life. But how shallow is all that?
It's not that we don't have the weapons of victory in our hands, it's that we fail to pull them out of the sheaths and use them.
The thing that sank into me as I pondered this was "How could the Israelites do this? They had God as their king, God to fight for them. God pledged Himself to their physical aid in a way never done to any other people. He promised to hear them and lead them, if only they obeyed His voice." The accompanying text from my study bible (John MacArthur) confirmed this "The problem was not in having a king but rather the reason the people wanted a king i.e., to be like other nations. They also foolishly assumed there would be some greater power in a king leading them into battle (p. 389)." But instead, seeing everyone around them, they wanted to be "just like them."
Pondering this a bit further, the though occurred to me (as it always seems to) "How am I different from them? Really?" Certainly, I'm not in the streets asking for a new ruler, but if I am a child of God and an heir of the kingdom, who else's authority and teaching do I constantly try to put myself under?
I ask this of myself because I am a great believer in books and reading - if I can read it, I can do it. The part that I am questioning is those books I go to for success in living or life. I go to them because I am looking for a better way to be successful, perhaps even to indulge my sins (greed, covetousness) under the banner of Being Better for God.
Is there anything inherently wrong with most of the genre? Not in and of themselves, although many of them seem to have a rather flawed spiritual view. Certainly, I have learned useful organizational tools from them.
But if I am honest, that's not only reason I go. I go because I desperately want the secret, the one thing, the idea that will push me over the top and make me successful. Heaven forfend I should go to God about this - not only are the things sometimes hard to get out of it (Proverbs 6:6-11 has a fine discussion of planning ahead (scheduling) and diligence, but you actually have think about it and there's no handy graph), but that I immediately expose myself to His goals and His authority, which is certainly not what my self love desires.
In a sense, I realized, every time I go somewhere else to seek guidance on life and living, I am telling the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the One who loved us so much that He gave His only son to die for us - that God; I am telling Him "I don't want you to be King over my life."
Oh, I want the salvation. I want to be saved from my sin, to go to Heaven, maybe even to become more Christlike if it improves my life. But how shallow is all that?
It's not that we don't have the weapons of victory in our hands, it's that we fail to pull them out of the sheaths and use them.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
That Horrible SPLAT sound your hear...
...is the sound of my hopes hitting reality.
I had a conversation with a coworker this morning. My company had a meeting in front of a government agency this morning - a sort of non-binding "Go/No Go" vote - for which I had attended and he had not. I was relating to him in my broken, non-technical way what I understood the decision.
"Well that's good" he said is his slightly Southern drawl that I can't quite place. "This is kind of the last shot on goal for us."
The universe briefly stopped while I rearranged my reality.
One knows this, of course, in coming to a start up - and I've been to more than one. It's just the hearing of it in such stark terms that makes things so darn alarming.
I wouldn't mind so much, but within a week my industry has gotten notice that two employers in my greater geographical area are selling/closing down their plants, potentially affecting 1500 individuals. Yes, it's a good industry to be in, but there are not that many jobs in this area.
It's a wonderful thing to focus the mind.
How do we have? Originally they told me through the end of 2009, barring anything odd happening. That's about a year.
It's good to keep reality in mind.
I had a conversation with a coworker this morning. My company had a meeting in front of a government agency this morning - a sort of non-binding "Go/No Go" vote - for which I had attended and he had not. I was relating to him in my broken, non-technical way what I understood the decision.
"Well that's good" he said is his slightly Southern drawl that I can't quite place. "This is kind of the last shot on goal for us."
The universe briefly stopped while I rearranged my reality.
One knows this, of course, in coming to a start up - and I've been to more than one. It's just the hearing of it in such stark terms that makes things so darn alarming.
I wouldn't mind so much, but within a week my industry has gotten notice that two employers in my greater geographical area are selling/closing down their plants, potentially affecting 1500 individuals. Yes, it's a good industry to be in, but there are not that many jobs in this area.
It's a wonderful thing to focus the mind.
How do we have? Originally they told me through the end of 2009, barring anything odd happening. That's about a year.
It's good to keep reality in mind.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Soybeans
Tonight I harvested my soybeans. Most of the pods have gone the golden brown of harvest, and the pods themselves rattle in the wind as you pull them off the stalk. I had never grown soybeans until two years ago, and found the experience delightful. I like them as edamame, as slowly drying and slightly chewy, and even as dried.
The disappointing part this year is that I did not get that many.
Why? Because my careful allocate rows were overcome by the pumpkin I planted, which overran everything. Part of it is my fault - when I got the pumpkin and planted it, I though I could control the growth. I had no idea it would be so productive.
Actually, the other part is my fault as well. I had a plan for my garden, and I ignored it. The pumpkin was a late addition, something I had not originally planned, and it got up and over everything - my cucumbers, beans, tomatoes, and peppers all suffered because of it.
It reminds me, just as in life, how little things -especially the unplanned, last minute things that we suddenly let in over part of our plan -can overwhelm our life. Sin especially, but even things that are good but are not best - if not rooted out and ignored, they can have a vegetative growth in our lives effect, crowding out the things that are good and shading them to the point that they are stunted and die.
Next year, if I grow a pumpkin, it will be on a trellis, and away from the garden. If only I can remember to trellis the other things in my life as well...
The disappointing part this year is that I did not get that many.
Why? Because my careful allocate rows were overcome by the pumpkin I planted, which overran everything. Part of it is my fault - when I got the pumpkin and planted it, I though I could control the growth. I had no idea it would be so productive.
Actually, the other part is my fault as well. I had a plan for my garden, and I ignored it. The pumpkin was a late addition, something I had not originally planned, and it got up and over everything - my cucumbers, beans, tomatoes, and peppers all suffered because of it.
It reminds me, just as in life, how little things -especially the unplanned, last minute things that we suddenly let in over part of our plan -can overwhelm our life. Sin especially, but even things that are good but are not best - if not rooted out and ignored, they can have a vegetative growth in our lives effect, crowding out the things that are good and shading them to the point that they are stunted and die.
Next year, if I grow a pumpkin, it will be on a trellis, and away from the garden. If only I can remember to trellis the other things in my life as well...
Monday, September 08, 2008
Honey Harvest 2008
This weekend we pulled the honey off our hive. It was a bittersweet experience, because I think the hive has lost it's queen. It may be trying to requeen, or maybe not - either way, I'll have to do something. So in a sense, the honey that we took may be existing beyond the life of the bees.
We got fourteen 12 oz. jars and 2.5 10 oz jars, about 10.5 lbs., which is probably more than enough to last us the year and then some (we still have the 2006 vintage!). This honey is a warm golden color, not like the 2006 which was a much darker gold color, almost opaque. This year's is a lovely translucent gold that you can see through in the bottle.
I also understand, as I related to my niece as she was helping, that I felt a bit like Pooh Bear: I was sticky all over my hands, licking it off, then wiping my hands, and then inevitably getting more on them!
I like honey. I like bees. There is just something about the process, watching them throughout the summer, getting the honey out and packaging it, then knowing that it is there to eat. It's not quite animal husbandry - if everything goes right, the bees are pretty self sufficient - but it's the next best thing.
Now, if we could just keep them alive through the winter...
We got fourteen 12 oz. jars and 2.5 10 oz jars, about 10.5 lbs., which is probably more than enough to last us the year and then some (we still have the 2006 vintage!). This honey is a warm golden color, not like the 2006 which was a much darker gold color, almost opaque. This year's is a lovely translucent gold that you can see through in the bottle.
I also understand, as I related to my niece as she was helping, that I felt a bit like Pooh Bear: I was sticky all over my hands, licking it off, then wiping my hands, and then inevitably getting more on them!
I like honey. I like bees. There is just something about the process, watching them throughout the summer, getting the honey out and packaging it, then knowing that it is there to eat. It's not quite animal husbandry - if everything goes right, the bees are pretty self sufficient - but it's the next best thing.
Now, if we could just keep them alive through the winter...
Golden Morning
We have reached the part of the year where the sun is rising later and later - and thankfully, so am I. As I sit her this morning, looking out the side window of the house, the sky appears as almost a golden white with no blue, the precursor of the sun's coming.
In a conscious effort not to look, I've not actually stood up and looked over the fence - it would spoil the effect of the moment. It is the anticipation of the thing that is producing the mystery and the beauty, not the thing itself. Sunrises I've seen. This, I don't know that I have.
Or have I? One of the terrible things (among many terrible things) about the world of commuting is that we come to ignore most things like this. Part of it, I'm sure, is a simple survival instinct (Look at the sunrise, hit the car in front of you). For three years I made a drive through 30 miles of vineyards and cattle ranges. I saw some things of surpassing beauty - but I bet I missed a thousand more through the sheer need to drive and survive.
We do this every day with our friends, our coworkers, our children, our pets - letting the small snatches of beauty get stolen away from us in the rush of doing the things we think we need to do. If God is that still small voice, how often do we rush over Him as well in the hustle of doing "needful" things?
P.S. Vintage Chick has an excellent post on this matter which is far better. It is here. You should go see it. Now.
Okay. Stop reading this. Go there.
In a conscious effort not to look, I've not actually stood up and looked over the fence - it would spoil the effect of the moment. It is the anticipation of the thing that is producing the mystery and the beauty, not the thing itself. Sunrises I've seen. This, I don't know that I have.
Or have I? One of the terrible things (among many terrible things) about the world of commuting is that we come to ignore most things like this. Part of it, I'm sure, is a simple survival instinct (Look at the sunrise, hit the car in front of you). For three years I made a drive through 30 miles of vineyards and cattle ranges. I saw some things of surpassing beauty - but I bet I missed a thousand more through the sheer need to drive and survive.
We do this every day with our friends, our coworkers, our children, our pets - letting the small snatches of beauty get stolen away from us in the rush of doing the things we think we need to do. If God is that still small voice, how often do we rush over Him as well in the hustle of doing "needful" things?
P.S. Vintage Chick has an excellent post on this matter which is far better. It is here. You should go see it. Now.
Okay. Stop reading this. Go there.
Kleenex and patience
God is teaching us patience.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB has been sick for almost three weeks now, since the middle of August. At first, she acquired Nighean dhonn's strep throat, which she managed to get over after a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics. She seemed on the road to recovery when she then contracted another cold, which turned into a cough, which is what she currently has right now. Originally a bit annoying, it sounds (to me) like it is building back up to something.
For her, it is frustrating: she always seems to get sick in the fall, always about this time, always seriously. This year, she tried to avoid it by consciously taking vitamins (including echinacea, and large doses of vitamin C) and getting rest - all to no avail. She hates to be sick, has a great deal to do, and is just miserable.
For myself, I want my wife to be back healthy. I don't handle other sick people well, especially when it does not fit into my plans. I tend to think "Sick? Then rest and get better!" The problem is that that theory does not work for everybody. I'm even willing to ride the "Let's be a helper" train - but not, it seems, for over three weeks.
It makes me reflect on the difficulty that those who care for loved ones who are chronically ill, or those who are chronically ill, go through. What would it be like to know someone is ill and they will not ever be getting better? Especially if the illness affects not only their physical health, but their mental and emotional being as well, perhaps becoming a different person than the one we originally knew? - because, if you've even been around someone with a long cold, you know how the physical suffering influences their outlook, personality, and emotions.
In a way, I suppose it is lamentable that we have struck "In sickness and in health" from many of our wedding ceremonies. Sickness and health are two conditions that marriage partners face each day - you're sick or you're healthy. The interaction of the two, especially when one is sick and the other is not, is another mechanism that God uses to grow us, especially in patience, self-control, caring, self-sacrifice, and love.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB has been sick for almost three weeks now, since the middle of August. At first, she acquired Nighean dhonn's strep throat, which she managed to get over after a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics. She seemed on the road to recovery when she then contracted another cold, which turned into a cough, which is what she currently has right now. Originally a bit annoying, it sounds (to me) like it is building back up to something.
For her, it is frustrating: she always seems to get sick in the fall, always about this time, always seriously. This year, she tried to avoid it by consciously taking vitamins (including echinacea, and large doses of vitamin C) and getting rest - all to no avail. She hates to be sick, has a great deal to do, and is just miserable.
For myself, I want my wife to be back healthy. I don't handle other sick people well, especially when it does not fit into my plans. I tend to think "Sick? Then rest and get better!" The problem is that that theory does not work for everybody. I'm even willing to ride the "Let's be a helper" train - but not, it seems, for over three weeks.
It makes me reflect on the difficulty that those who care for loved ones who are chronically ill, or those who are chronically ill, go through. What would it be like to know someone is ill and they will not ever be getting better? Especially if the illness affects not only their physical health, but their mental and emotional being as well, perhaps becoming a different person than the one we originally knew? - because, if you've even been around someone with a long cold, you know how the physical suffering influences their outlook, personality, and emotions.
In a way, I suppose it is lamentable that we have struck "In sickness and in health" from many of our wedding ceremonies. Sickness and health are two conditions that marriage partners face each day - you're sick or you're healthy. The interaction of the two, especially when one is sick and the other is not, is another mechanism that God uses to grow us, especially in patience, self-control, caring, self-sacrifice, and love.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Time keeps on slipping...
So this is the end of week two at my new job. I've made a discovery of sorts - that really, I don't have any more time.
Simply put, all the time there is is all the time there is. It is not necessarily a bad thing - it is just a fact.
Realistically put, there is only a finite amount anyone can do. We all work, we all have to sleep, we all have to spend time with the loved ones in our life. After all this, then, is the time we call "ours".
What I've found (and this will come as a shock to no-one who knows me) is that I was stealing time from myself - in my case, through lack of sleep. With the new job, I'm actually doing a little less time at work - 11 hours including commute - but I'm getting more time in sleep (a regular 7-7.5 hours). The thing I'm working on is not cheating my body of the rest or my family of the time that they need.
The upshot? I really don't have as much time as I felt I should have. Not my fault - a simple function of temporal actions.
So there is a finite limit to what I can do. Now I need to figure out, based on what God has given me to do and the talents/gifts He's blessed me with, what is important.
Simply put, all the time there is is all the time there is. It is not necessarily a bad thing - it is just a fact.
Realistically put, there is only a finite amount anyone can do. We all work, we all have to sleep, we all have to spend time with the loved ones in our life. After all this, then, is the time we call "ours".
What I've found (and this will come as a shock to no-one who knows me) is that I was stealing time from myself - in my case, through lack of sleep. With the new job, I'm actually doing a little less time at work - 11 hours including commute - but I'm getting more time in sleep (a regular 7-7.5 hours). The thing I'm working on is not cheating my body of the rest or my family of the time that they need.
The upshot? I really don't have as much time as I felt I should have. Not my fault - a simple function of temporal actions.
So there is a finite limit to what I can do. Now I need to figure out, based on what God has given me to do and the talents/gifts He's blessed me with, what is important.
Seek ye first Part II
Yesterday I had the rare opportunity of practicing what I wrote about in the same day.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB called me around 11 AM - she was at Costco, and the truck had a green puddle under it. My first reaction was "Oh NO - Another radiator leak" after the pain of the Escort and it's $900 repair. I was already upset.
And then I had a choice: do I worry about this (worry being a sin, of course) or do I not worry, trust God, and move on?
I chose to move on.
There is no great spiritual lesson here - I didn't suddenly have a mystical "Seeking the Kingdom" experience or anything of that nature. Just a conscious, obedient decision not to worry.
The upshot? I looked at it last night - turns out a loose hose from the radiator to the reserve tank, easily fixed.
Go figure...
The Ravishing Mrs. TB called me around 11 AM - she was at Costco, and the truck had a green puddle under it. My first reaction was "Oh NO - Another radiator leak" after the pain of the Escort and it's $900 repair. I was already upset.
And then I had a choice: do I worry about this (worry being a sin, of course) or do I not worry, trust God, and move on?
I chose to move on.
There is no great spiritual lesson here - I didn't suddenly have a mystical "Seeking the Kingdom" experience or anything of that nature. Just a conscious, obedient decision not to worry.
The upshot? I looked at it last night - turns out a loose hose from the radiator to the reserve tank, easily fixed.
Go figure...
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Seek ye first
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."- Matthew 6: 33
So peeling off from yesterday's discussion in terms of purpose and doing, perhaps I'll start with those things that Christ Himself said. Today's verse comes from the Sermon on the Mount, where Christ is discussing the various attitudes that will be true of Christians, and that obeying God is a matter of the heart as much as it is a matter of outward actions. The verse above comes at the end of the discussion concerning serving a master - either God or mammon (money). The comparison is made between unbelievers, who seek after money ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?") and the followers of Christ, who are apparently to do something else.
What? Certainly not go naked and hungry through a lack of attention! -Christ says that their Father in heaven knows that they have need of "all these things". But in counter to the question of seeking these things, of serving money (by extension, I suppose, the world and all our own "empire building"), we are seek the Kingdom of God and God's righteous."
In seeking, we are looking for something diligently to find it. In this case, the Kingdom of God - which, God says elsewhere, is not found in eating and drinking but in righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). We are additionally to seek the righteousness of God - as found in God's son Jesus Christ, the offering for our sin, and therefore our salvation.
Do I seek Christ as my salvation daily - to the extent that I am not concerned about more mundane things (concerned to the point of worry)? How does what I perceive I should be doing in my life, about my goals, relate to seeking the kingdom of God (righteousness, peace, joy) and Christ? Are they building up His kingdom, or mine?
So peeling off from yesterday's discussion in terms of purpose and doing, perhaps I'll start with those things that Christ Himself said. Today's verse comes from the Sermon on the Mount, where Christ is discussing the various attitudes that will be true of Christians, and that obeying God is a matter of the heart as much as it is a matter of outward actions. The verse above comes at the end of the discussion concerning serving a master - either God or mammon (money). The comparison is made between unbelievers, who seek after money ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?") and the followers of Christ, who are apparently to do something else.
What? Certainly not go naked and hungry through a lack of attention! -Christ says that their Father in heaven knows that they have need of "all these things". But in counter to the question of seeking these things, of serving money (by extension, I suppose, the world and all our own "empire building"), we are seek the Kingdom of God and God's righteous."
In seeking, we are looking for something diligently to find it. In this case, the Kingdom of God - which, God says elsewhere, is not found in eating and drinking but in righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). We are additionally to seek the righteousness of God - as found in God's son Jesus Christ, the offering for our sin, and therefore our salvation.
Do I seek Christ as my salvation daily - to the extent that I am not concerned about more mundane things (concerned to the point of worry)? How does what I perceive I should be doing in my life, about my goals, relate to seeking the kingdom of God (righteousness, peace, joy) and Christ? Are they building up His kingdom, or mine?
Autumn
Sigh. It has been pointed out to me by Buttercup that I am somewhat too depressing of late, and I need to write something more "happy"...
So Autumn is here. I know it's not officially here, that we have another month or two of warm weather. But if you're a gardener, you know. The pumpkin and bean plants are starting to die off, and larger swaths of the garden are becoming bare earth, awaiting either the covering of fall grass for the the winter or seed coverage for the winter crops. Meanwhile, the fall produce of the garden - beans, pumpkins, dried corn - are preparing themselves for harvest.
It's a good time as a gardener as well because it is a re-energizing time. During the late summer, I become a little complacent: either the garden is producing or not, and either way I can't do anything like plant (kill current plants). Now I can begin to see the start of the next season, get out my seed catalogues and dream, rearrange the garden to hopefully be better put together and more productive next time.
The autumn sunlight hasn't come yet - that slightly hazy, faded feeling that indicates that fall is really here - but it's coming...
So Autumn is here. I know it's not officially here, that we have another month or two of warm weather. But if you're a gardener, you know. The pumpkin and bean plants are starting to die off, and larger swaths of the garden are becoming bare earth, awaiting either the covering of fall grass for the the winter or seed coverage for the winter crops. Meanwhile, the fall produce of the garden - beans, pumpkins, dried corn - are preparing themselves for harvest.
It's a good time as a gardener as well because it is a re-energizing time. During the late summer, I become a little complacent: either the garden is producing or not, and either way I can't do anything like plant (kill current plants). Now I can begin to see the start of the next season, get out my seed catalogues and dream, rearrange the garden to hopefully be better put together and more productive next time.
The autumn sunlight hasn't come yet - that slightly hazy, faded feeling that indicates that fall is really here - but it's coming...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Dissatisfaction
It was pointed out to me yesterday by Am Poleanneach that part of my feelings of inertia may stem from my own dissatisfaction with myself.
The thing is a fait accompli. Dissatisfied with myself - of course I'm dissatisfied with myself; it's almost as instinctive as breathing. But why am I dissatisfied with myself?
Because I feel like I am not living up to the potential and gifts that God has given me and expects of me. If I think about it, going back a long time, there is a sense within myself that I should be doing "great things" and that I am not. I'm not really sure what those "great things" are, just that I am not doing them.
If I work, it's never enough nor do I accomplish everything I should. At home, I should be doing and completing 15 different things, and to let one go is to not use my skills and gifts to the utmost.
My fear, as I have said for many years, is to be that servant in Matthew 25: 14-30 which, when his master returned and it was revealed that he had hid his talent rather than use it productively, heard from his master "And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness" instead of "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a little; enter thou into the joy of thy Master."
But is that the equivalent of being constantly dissatisfied? That is certainly not pleasing to God.
Or even deeper: is my depth of the knowledge of my own sins and failings such that I feel crushed, and it magnifies in my own my mind everything I could have done, but didn't because of that sin and failure? Are lost opportunities more real to me than the possibilities granted by God which remain? Am I so focused on the 1st half of the game and my failures to realize there's still a second half?
The thing is a fait accompli. Dissatisfied with myself - of course I'm dissatisfied with myself; it's almost as instinctive as breathing. But why am I dissatisfied with myself?
Because I feel like I am not living up to the potential and gifts that God has given me and expects of me. If I think about it, going back a long time, there is a sense within myself that I should be doing "great things" and that I am not. I'm not really sure what those "great things" are, just that I am not doing them.
If I work, it's never enough nor do I accomplish everything I should. At home, I should be doing and completing 15 different things, and to let one go is to not use my skills and gifts to the utmost.
My fear, as I have said for many years, is to be that servant in Matthew 25: 14-30 which, when his master returned and it was revealed that he had hid his talent rather than use it productively, heard from his master "And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness" instead of "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a little; enter thou into the joy of thy Master."
But is that the equivalent of being constantly dissatisfied? That is certainly not pleasing to God.
Or even deeper: is my depth of the knowledge of my own sins and failings such that I feel crushed, and it magnifies in my own my mind everything I could have done, but didn't because of that sin and failure? Are lost opportunities more real to me than the possibilities granted by God which remain? Am I so focused on the 1st half of the game and my failures to realize there's still a second half?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
A Little Change...
...will not, as the song says, do you good - or at least feel like it.
The last two week have been an amazing observation in self discomfort. Frankly put, I am out of sorts. I am physically feeling out of it, even though I have been getting far more sleep than I have in years.
I am spiritually feeling out of it - kind of like a fog that seems to come over me. The Word seems dead, and the heavens seem as brass. Motivating myself to prayer seems like a monumental effort, and once it is accomplished, I've nothing to say.
Intellectually, I'm scattered brained and bored. I can hardly keep my mind to a task, often overwhelmed by a feeling of futility.
I had no idea that change would create this much discomfort in my life.
And then I think "I"m a wimp. If only a job change causes this, what about the people who have real change in their lives?" Have I become so ingrained into my life that such a minor thing as a job change turns my world upside down?
The last two week have been an amazing observation in self discomfort. Frankly put, I am out of sorts. I am physically feeling out of it, even though I have been getting far more sleep than I have in years.
I am spiritually feeling out of it - kind of like a fog that seems to come over me. The Word seems dead, and the heavens seem as brass. Motivating myself to prayer seems like a monumental effort, and once it is accomplished, I've nothing to say.
Intellectually, I'm scattered brained and bored. I can hardly keep my mind to a task, often overwhelmed by a feeling of futility.
I had no idea that change would create this much discomfort in my life.
And then I think "I"m a wimp. If only a job change causes this, what about the people who have real change in their lives?" Have I become so ingrained into my life that such a minor thing as a job change turns my world upside down?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Excellence I
Why do we no longer value excellence in what we do? Could it be that as we are not responsible for the final product, we do not feel our part matters?
A thought, not original with me but with Richard Proenneke of One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey:
"I do think a man has missed a very deep feeling of satisfaction if he never created or at least completed something with his own two hands. We have grown accustomed to work on pieces of things instead of wholes. It is a way of life with us now. The emphasis is on teamwork. I believe this trend bears much of the blame for the loss of pride in one's work, the kind of pride the old craftsman felt when he started a job and finished it and stood back and admired it. How does a man on an assembly line feel any pride in the final product that rolls out at the other end?
I realize that men working together can perform miracles such as sending men to walk on the surface of the moon. There is definitely a need and a place for teamwork, but there is also a need for an individual sometime in his life to forget the world of parts and pieces and put something together on his own - complete something. He's got to create." (pp. 211-212)
A thought, not original with me but with Richard Proenneke of One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey:
"I do think a man has missed a very deep feeling of satisfaction if he never created or at least completed something with his own two hands. We have grown accustomed to work on pieces of things instead of wholes. It is a way of life with us now. The emphasis is on teamwork. I believe this trend bears much of the blame for the loss of pride in one's work, the kind of pride the old craftsman felt when he started a job and finished it and stood back and admired it. How does a man on an assembly line feel any pride in the final product that rolls out at the other end?
I realize that men working together can perform miracles such as sending men to walk on the surface of the moon. There is definitely a need and a place for teamwork, but there is also a need for an individual sometime in his life to forget the world of parts and pieces and put something together on his own - complete something. He's got to create." (pp. 211-212)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Calvin and Hobbes
Nighean gheal has discovered the Calvin and Hobbes' books we have, and has started reading them. Which has started both myself and the Ravishing Mrs. TB re-reading them.
I had honestly forgotten how good they are.
I am not one to read the comics - we have not taken a paper for many years, and even at places I have worked that had them, they were very much limited to scanning the ones that I knew. In many ways, I am still a Peanuts man.
But Bill Watterson (Creator of Calvin and Hobbes) is a genius - not only in his ability to draw, using a spartan eye combined with a lush use of surroundings from time to time, but in his dialogue. He's clever. Reading things again, I realize some of the adult concepts he was introducing into the mouth of Calvin that I might have missed before. There is humor in there for both myself and Nighean gheal.
And, I don't have to worry about any inappropriate material...
I had honestly forgotten how good they are.
I am not one to read the comics - we have not taken a paper for many years, and even at places I have worked that had them, they were very much limited to scanning the ones that I knew. In many ways, I am still a Peanuts man.
But Bill Watterson (Creator of Calvin and Hobbes) is a genius - not only in his ability to draw, using a spartan eye combined with a lush use of surroundings from time to time, but in his dialogue. He's clever. Reading things again, I realize some of the adult concepts he was introducing into the mouth of Calvin that I might have missed before. There is humor in there for both myself and Nighean gheal.
And, I don't have to worry about any inappropriate material...
Detox continues
I had the most unusual experience on a weeknight that I have had in a long time:
I was bored.
I had done the things on my list, the Ravishing Mrs. TB was off to a meeting and Na Clann were in bed, and suddenly I realized I was not motivated to do anything.
The funny thing is, given my new job, having this time is more likely to become the norm rather than the exception.
So now I've got to go back to what I need or want to do.
It was the strangest thing...
I was bored.
I had done the things on my list, the Ravishing Mrs. TB was off to a meeting and Na Clann were in bed, and suddenly I realized I was not motivated to do anything.
The funny thing is, given my new job, having this time is more likely to become the norm rather than the exception.
So now I've got to go back to what I need or want to do.
It was the strangest thing...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
And now, we interrupt your daily surfing for sin...
I was reminded last night how quick the the flesh is to come to the fore.
It was quick: a blip on the computer screen in an innocuous place that led to a momentary thought, which was overwhelmed by the force of raw sin - the equivalent to popping the top off a grease trap and suddenly being overwhelmed by the overpowering odor of used grease.
What it reminded me of what how careful I need to be about not only what goes on in my own mind, but in the minds of my children. If I am truly honest, I already tolerate things like what happened last night but I dishonestly cloak them under excuses that I make for myself. No difference, except what I call it in my mind.
It is also a needed reminder that sin is something that is within us, not just something that is around us - Paul's cry of "O wretched man that I am? Who will deliver me from this body of death?" was never more true (Romans 7:24)
It was quick: a blip on the computer screen in an innocuous place that led to a momentary thought, which was overwhelmed by the force of raw sin - the equivalent to popping the top off a grease trap and suddenly being overwhelmed by the overpowering odor of used grease.
What it reminded me of what how careful I need to be about not only what goes on in my own mind, but in the minds of my children. If I am truly honest, I already tolerate things like what happened last night but I dishonestly cloak them under excuses that I make for myself. No difference, except what I call it in my mind.
It is also a needed reminder that sin is something that is within us, not just something that is around us - Paul's cry of "O wretched man that I am? Who will deliver me from this body of death?" was never more true (Romans 7:24)
Scary Adult Land
So the second day of my job has convinced me that careerwise, I could not have left much later.
The reason? In my new position, I really am "it". My manager has stated that he intends to pass everything related to my area of expertise off to me - and he has started doing so.
This is very different from any position I have previously had in my industry. Usually my one above has also had a somewhat present oversight role in what I do. Here, it seems like very little, other than the typical "I think you should look at doing this", which is manager code for "You need to do this pretty much like I am suggesting."
It's scary. It's being an adult in an adult world, where you make decisions and stand or fall on your own. On the other hand it's good, not only because it enables one to confidently on your own, but also that it cuts off the fallback of "I'll ask my manager." You are the manager.
It makes me realize how dependent I have become on others essentially "covering" my decisions, and my inability to make one. Now, I have to.
The reason? In my new position, I really am "it". My manager has stated that he intends to pass everything related to my area of expertise off to me - and he has started doing so.
This is very different from any position I have previously had in my industry. Usually my one above has also had a somewhat present oversight role in what I do. Here, it seems like very little, other than the typical "I think you should look at doing this", which is manager code for "You need to do this pretty much like I am suggesting."
It's scary. It's being an adult in an adult world, where you make decisions and stand or fall on your own. On the other hand it's good, not only because it enables one to confidently on your own, but also that it cuts off the fallback of "I'll ask my manager." You are the manager.
It makes me realize how dependent I have become on others essentially "covering" my decisions, and my inability to make one. Now, I have to.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Changing your mind
So I had a long talk with Bogha Frois tonight about her job. What she indicated to me, in the course of our conversation, is that she is having second thoughts about the career field she has chosen. Essentially, the work environment is not what she had additionally pictured, and although she believed she was up to the stress of the job, she has found that it is more consuming than she had intended.
She's having thoughts: should she pursue her education further? Should she return to the industry she was in? Should she stay where she is and seek a transfer to a location that is more desirable for her family?
But fundamentally, her question comes down to two things: 1) What do I really want to do; and 2) If I decide my current position is not what I want to do, will I look like I'm failing in my ability to persist or make up my mind?
To the first question, my advice was simply think and write it out. It is very hard to be enthusiastic for something when it has nothing to do with nor can lead you to do something with what you love.
To the second question, my comment was "Of course you can change your mind!" We make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. If different circumstances arise, we have the ability - nay, the right - to say "You know, I think this really isn't what I thought it was. I don't enjoy it, I don't like it, and it is not going to lead me anywhere close to what I really like." I've done it - real estate back to my current industry, which was my old industry. I tried it, and then I got more information. In my case, I found that I am simply more security than risk driven.
We should never feel bad about examining career, hobby, or even some relational decisions (keeping in mind Scripture, of course) and, based on the new information we have, make a different - and hopefully better - decision.
She's having thoughts: should she pursue her education further? Should she return to the industry she was in? Should she stay where she is and seek a transfer to a location that is more desirable for her family?
But fundamentally, her question comes down to two things: 1) What do I really want to do; and 2) If I decide my current position is not what I want to do, will I look like I'm failing in my ability to persist or make up my mind?
To the first question, my advice was simply think and write it out. It is very hard to be enthusiastic for something when it has nothing to do with nor can lead you to do something with what you love.
To the second question, my comment was "Of course you can change your mind!" We make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. If different circumstances arise, we have the ability - nay, the right - to say "You know, I think this really isn't what I thought it was. I don't enjoy it, I don't like it, and it is not going to lead me anywhere close to what I really like." I've done it - real estate back to my current industry, which was my old industry. I tried it, and then I got more information. In my case, I found that I am simply more security than risk driven.
We should never feel bad about examining career, hobby, or even some relational decisions (keeping in mind Scripture, of course) and, based on the new information we have, make a different - and hopefully better - decision.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Moving On
So today was my last day at The Company.
It went pretty much as all last days go: a little work, a little packing, a fair amount of talking and saying goodbye. Overall, I'll miss the people greatly.
It's somewhat noteworthy that this job is longest I've been at a company, almost 3 years. Certainly somewhat longer than I had planned to stay, yet somewhat less than I had intended to stay.
Longer yet not intended? Yes. I had essentially conceded that, after May, I was willing to stay. I forgot how disruptive it is to find work while you're working: trying to arrange interviews, trying to stay dedicated to the job yet getting one's hopes up, and the eventually leaking of enthusiasm when you don't hear anything.
And leak it did - between my first interview and my acceptance letter, it was just shy of 2 months. In that sense, I had conceded: I hadn't really looked for anything new and didn't really intend to.
And now here we are.
The happiest feeling I had today was pulling off of the two lane highway merge onto the freeway, knowing in my heart of hearts I would not have to do that one more time. The saddest, the last entry into to the car and firing up the engine, knowing that I would not be there one more time.
It went pretty much as all last days go: a little work, a little packing, a fair amount of talking and saying goodbye. Overall, I'll miss the people greatly.
It's somewhat noteworthy that this job is longest I've been at a company, almost 3 years. Certainly somewhat longer than I had planned to stay, yet somewhat less than I had intended to stay.
Longer yet not intended? Yes. I had essentially conceded that, after May, I was willing to stay. I forgot how disruptive it is to find work while you're working: trying to arrange interviews, trying to stay dedicated to the job yet getting one's hopes up, and the eventually leaking of enthusiasm when you don't hear anything.
And leak it did - between my first interview and my acceptance letter, it was just shy of 2 months. In that sense, I had conceded: I hadn't really looked for anything new and didn't really intend to.
And now here we are.
The happiest feeling I had today was pulling off of the two lane highway merge onto the freeway, knowing in my heart of hearts I would not have to do that one more time. The saddest, the last entry into to the car and firing up the engine, knowing that I would not be there one more time.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Reflections on a Late Summer Evening
Here I sit,
Partially shaded by the smell
of the late summer's lavender,
cooled by the Delta's breeze
but warmed by hot dog's breath
hoping I'll toss the ball one more time.
Sipping an olympiad's old red -
2004: Had I already started real estate?
I flip the steak, enjoying
one of summer's great pleasures:
Barbecuing in the shade,
with the wind at my back
and the shade on my head.
Watching the autumn bees,
returned from who know where
during their commercial pollination tasks
to the relative quiet of rural Here,
I am reminded that the pace of summer,
which energizes and refreshes,
is not always the pace of life.
Partially shaded by the smell
of the late summer's lavender,
cooled by the Delta's breeze
but warmed by hot dog's breath
hoping I'll toss the ball one more time.
Sipping an olympiad's old red -
2004: Had I already started real estate?
I flip the steak, enjoying
one of summer's great pleasures:
Barbecuing in the shade,
with the wind at my back
and the shade on my head.
Watching the autumn bees,
returned from who know where
during their commercial pollination tasks
to the relative quiet of rural Here,
I am reminded that the pace of summer,
which energizes and refreshes,
is not always the pace of life.
Unsettled
I am experiencing a sense of physical and temporal dislocation that I had not anticipated, and I am not really sure where it is coming from.
Physically, I feel out of things. I find myself unable to sleep, ravenously hungering yet rarely energetic, and mentally dimmed, as if I had lost my edge. Mentally, I am feeling restless, almost bored, unable to retain things in my mind, yet not really having interest in doing anything.
The only change I can associate this with the ending of one job and the beginning of another. In all fairness, it's been almost three years since I've come to my current job - almost 4% of my total life (assume an average lifespan of 80), and 12.5% of my working career to date.
I guess I had not anticipated this sort of physical reaction - a sort of unsettled despondency, if there is such a thing. Have I become such a creature of habit that a change of jobs is so unsettling to me?
Physically, I feel out of things. I find myself unable to sleep, ravenously hungering yet rarely energetic, and mentally dimmed, as if I had lost my edge. Mentally, I am feeling restless, almost bored, unable to retain things in my mind, yet not really having interest in doing anything.
The only change I can associate this with the ending of one job and the beginning of another. In all fairness, it's been almost three years since I've come to my current job - almost 4% of my total life (assume an average lifespan of 80), and 12.5% of my working career to date.
I guess I had not anticipated this sort of physical reaction - a sort of unsettled despondency, if there is such a thing. Have I become such a creature of habit that a change of jobs is so unsettling to me?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Uisdean Ruadh
Tonight I had a rather lengthy conversation with Uisdean Ruadh - a conversation I had not intended nor wished to have.
He got laid off last Friday.
He worked in a supporting business to the mortgage industry, and we had spoken from time to time about the possibility of being laid off, implications, etc. Then, last Friday, a half hour after he arrived at work - 0700 - he was called into his manager's office, given his papers, and escorted to the door.
He was upbeat tonight when I talked to him - he has 90 days of a resume service which he is availing himself of, he has already started his job search, got a form of a severance package, and is looking at this as an opportunity to change a job he didn't care for all that much anyway. Still, it's a blow that no-one really wants to have happen.
Two takeaways for myself:
1) This reinforces my opinion that what I am currently doing by leaving and changing is the correct thing to do. Start ups may be less stable than established companies, but that is by no means a guarantee that larger companies will not lay you off in a moment. Company loyalty, in the end, is to the financial shareholders, not to the employees.
2) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself spoke tonight about finances, and making changes congruent with my new position. This just pushes me more to save and reduce debt. You just never know.
Pray for Uisdean Ruadh, both for his spirits as well as finding a position quickly.
He got laid off last Friday.
He worked in a supporting business to the mortgage industry, and we had spoken from time to time about the possibility of being laid off, implications, etc. Then, last Friday, a half hour after he arrived at work - 0700 - he was called into his manager's office, given his papers, and escorted to the door.
He was upbeat tonight when I talked to him - he has 90 days of a resume service which he is availing himself of, he has already started his job search, got a form of a severance package, and is looking at this as an opportunity to change a job he didn't care for all that much anyway. Still, it's a blow that no-one really wants to have happen.
Two takeaways for myself:
1) This reinforces my opinion that what I am currently doing by leaving and changing is the correct thing to do. Start ups may be less stable than established companies, but that is by no means a guarantee that larger companies will not lay you off in a moment. Company loyalty, in the end, is to the financial shareholders, not to the employees.
2) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself spoke tonight about finances, and making changes congruent with my new position. This just pushes me more to save and reduce debt. You just never know.
Pray for Uisdean Ruadh, both for his spirits as well as finding a position quickly.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Zero Sum Planning
In thinking about the new opportunity that is coming my way - indeed, one does not often get the opportunity where a job change enables a schedule change, which can enable do much else - I found myself thinking on a Brian Tracy concept: Zero Sum Planning.
The concept is this: if I had it to do over again, what would I do again? What would I not do again? A corollary which flows from this is we can only do a finite number of things: in order to do one thing, we must give up something else.
A second thing that brought this into focus was on my drive home, I caught Dr. Charles Stanley, whose message today was on the judgement seat of Christ. The part where I wandered in - and stuck - was when he was speaking about the judgement and realizing the opportunities that we missed to serve and honor God more.
So combining these two thought lines together, the question becomes this: if life is to be lived for and in the shadow of eternity and the pleasure of God, what am doing in my life right now that lacks value? How am I being that does not add value?
It may be nothing. It may be all. What I can say is that it seems like there is a lot of things I have been dragging around with me for years - high school or before. Am I doing these things because they add true value to my life, or am I doing them out of inertia, or unwillingness to simply admit that I've moved on?
I had a stark reminder of that today. My parents came down to drop off a load of stuff - things from the shed of their renter, who passed away last month. I went through tubs of craft things and wood objects - things that I think were handmade - and of what use are they now?
Why do I cling to things so much? My garage, my house, indeed my life is filled with bits of this and that, pieces and parts of working things, things that I will get around to "any day now" but never seem to. Again, part of that feeling of not wanting to admit I've moved on, or simply admit that some money is wasted, and don't make that mistake again.
Someday, I'll appear before the judgement seat of Christ, and all of the things I worked for, all of the things I worked on, absent any value to Christ, will vanish as smoke. If this is the case, why do I put such effort into them now?
The concept is this: if I had it to do over again, what would I do again? What would I not do again? A corollary which flows from this is we can only do a finite number of things: in order to do one thing, we must give up something else.
A second thing that brought this into focus was on my drive home, I caught Dr. Charles Stanley, whose message today was on the judgement seat of Christ. The part where I wandered in - and stuck - was when he was speaking about the judgement and realizing the opportunities that we missed to serve and honor God more.
So combining these two thought lines together, the question becomes this: if life is to be lived for and in the shadow of eternity and the pleasure of God, what am doing in my life right now that lacks value? How am I being that does not add value?
It may be nothing. It may be all. What I can say is that it seems like there is a lot of things I have been dragging around with me for years - high school or before. Am I doing these things because they add true value to my life, or am I doing them out of inertia, or unwillingness to simply admit that I've moved on?
I had a stark reminder of that today. My parents came down to drop off a load of stuff - things from the shed of their renter, who passed away last month. I went through tubs of craft things and wood objects - things that I think were handmade - and of what use are they now?
Why do I cling to things so much? My garage, my house, indeed my life is filled with bits of this and that, pieces and parts of working things, things that I will get around to "any day now" but never seem to. Again, part of that feeling of not wanting to admit I've moved on, or simply admit that some money is wasted, and don't make that mistake again.
Someday, I'll appear before the judgement seat of Christ, and all of the things I worked for, all of the things I worked on, absent any value to Christ, will vanish as smoke. If this is the case, why do I put such effort into them now?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
15th Anniversaries and Technology
So we had another one of life's pleasures that seem to come so infrequently: Otis and Buttercup came to visit. They were on their 15th wedding anniversary, and had generously decided to spend at least a part of it with us.
(Otis's blog is here. Buttercup's is here)
There is always a sweetness in the seeing of old friends - although in this case, as we have kept up over the years, there is not as much catching up on old news and more of the exchange of small stories - sort of like gold panning or opal walking on the beach, finding the joy of nuggets or stones mixed among the general conversation that comes up.
It is also a fabulous reminder of how much we need each other - even if we're not there physically. Technology, for all of my Luddite tendencies, has made at least this much true: more than any other time in history, we are able to continue to keep up and be involved in the lives of our family and friends even though we are physically distant from them. So many of my friends that I turn to in joy or sorrow - Otis, Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, HWMNTN - I seldom, if not very infrequently.
And I, at least need people - to bounce ideas off, to listen to my complaints or my triumphs, and to avail myself of doing the same for them. I have never learned so much about listening as I have by forcing myself to listen to my friends, instead of immediately formulating my next response.
So Happy Anniversary Otis and Buttercup, and many more. Your visit was very welcome, and far too short.
You'd think this would encourage us to come visit others more often...
(Otis's blog is here. Buttercup's is here)
There is always a sweetness in the seeing of old friends - although in this case, as we have kept up over the years, there is not as much catching up on old news and more of the exchange of small stories - sort of like gold panning or opal walking on the beach, finding the joy of nuggets or stones mixed among the general conversation that comes up.
It is also a fabulous reminder of how much we need each other - even if we're not there physically. Technology, for all of my Luddite tendencies, has made at least this much true: more than any other time in history, we are able to continue to keep up and be involved in the lives of our family and friends even though we are physically distant from them. So many of my friends that I turn to in joy or sorrow - Otis, Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, HWMNTN - I seldom, if not very infrequently.
And I, at least need people - to bounce ideas off, to listen to my complaints or my triumphs, and to avail myself of doing the same for them. I have never learned so much about listening as I have by forcing myself to listen to my friends, instead of immediately formulating my next response.
So Happy Anniversary Otis and Buttercup, and many more. Your visit was very welcome, and far too short.
You'd think this would encourage us to come visit others more often...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Meditation: Haggai
As I usually have times to write on Saturday's, it would probably be a good thing to begin posting meditations prior to Sunday. In this spirit, these are the conclusions from a talk I gave on the book of Haggai this morning for your consideration:
What are the lessons that Haggai has for believers living under the New Covenant?
1) When faced with difficulties in executing God’s will, what do we do – do we fall away, waiting until an appropriate time to “build the Lord’s temple”, or do we press on in the face of difficulties which God allows into our lives to test us? Matthew Henry says
“There is an aptness in us to interpret providential discouragements in our duty, as if they amounted to a discharge from our duty, when they are only intended for the trial and exercise of our courage and faith. It is bad to neglect our duty, but it is worse to vouch Providence for the patronising of our neglects.”
2) Do we love God and His purposes more than we love our own? God is speaking to the returned Jews of their money and time/effort, but the same is true for us as well? Who has our heart? Whose kingdom are we building – ours or God’s? One last forever with eternal rewards; the other, as Peter says in 2nd Peter 3:10 “both the earth and all the works that are in it will be burned up.” Matthew Henry says “Those are very much strangers to their interests who prefer the conveniences and ornaments of the temporal life before the absolute necessities of the spiritual life, who are full of care to enrich their own houses, while God’s temple in their hearts lies waste, and nothing is done about it.”
3) God uses circumstances in our lives to get our attention. There is no hard and fast rule that says that obeying God in all things will always result in the Christian prospering materially and physically (much to the annoyance of many health and wealth gospel preachers). But it is a general principle throughout the Bible that obeying God brings blessing, disobeying God brings punishment – or, to paraphrase Randy Alcorn “Obeying God is always smart, disobeying God is always stupid.” We also know from God’s character that He loves us as a father loves his children, and He will use circumstances to chasten us for the purposes of discipline and to correct our wandering ways. As Solomon writes in Proverbs 3: 11-12 and the writer of Hebrews quotes in Hebrews 12: 5-6 “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as father the son in whom He delights.
So the question then becomes are there circumstances occurring in our life right now that indicate something is not right in our lives? There is the suffering that God allows to purifying us – absolutely. But there is also the suffering and circumstances that God allows as the result of sin or getting off track from His will. We would find it sad and silly if the driver of a car, when suddenly veering to the lane dividers did not pull back into the lane but said, as you were jostling along “Don’t worry – this will clear up in a minute?. When we knowingly disobey God, when the circumstances come and yet, we have “no idea” why they have occurred, we are no less foolish.
4) Finally, when we are confronted with our failure to serve God’s purposes, do we immediately seek to repent and return to what we were called to, or do we seek to justify ourselves, or come up with reasons that we can’t, or continue with what we were doing before? The quicker we repent and do what the Lord commands, the quicker we can return to area of blessing. Matthew Henry again “Those that have lost time have need to redeem time, and the longer we have loitered in that which is good the more haste we should make when we are convinced of our folly.”
In closing, most of you know the story of Jim Elliot, missionary to the Auca Indians. I won’t recount his story here, but I will finish with a paragraph concerning him from the Holman Old Testament Commentary on Haggai:
“The world probably looked at the death of Jim Elliot as a waste. He had so much promise – the charisma, the talent! He could have accomplished so much in the world. He died so young (not even thirty). He was foolish to have thrown away his life like that. Yet Elliott himself answers such criticisms. In his diary, Jim wrote these classic words: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’ The apostle John put it this way: ‘The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.’(1 John 2:17). Haggai calls on us to put God and His kingdom first at all costs. This is all that will endure. In C.T. Studd’s words, ‘Only one life, ‘twill soon be past; Only what’s done for Christ will last.'"
What are the lessons that Haggai has for believers living under the New Covenant?
1) When faced with difficulties in executing God’s will, what do we do – do we fall away, waiting until an appropriate time to “build the Lord’s temple”, or do we press on in the face of difficulties which God allows into our lives to test us? Matthew Henry says
“There is an aptness in us to interpret providential discouragements in our duty, as if they amounted to a discharge from our duty, when they are only intended for the trial and exercise of our courage and faith. It is bad to neglect our duty, but it is worse to vouch Providence for the patronising of our neglects.”
2) Do we love God and His purposes more than we love our own? God is speaking to the returned Jews of their money and time/effort, but the same is true for us as well? Who has our heart? Whose kingdom are we building – ours or God’s? One last forever with eternal rewards; the other, as Peter says in 2nd Peter 3:10 “both the earth and all the works that are in it will be burned up.” Matthew Henry says “Those are very much strangers to their interests who prefer the conveniences and ornaments of the temporal life before the absolute necessities of the spiritual life, who are full of care to enrich their own houses, while God’s temple in their hearts lies waste, and nothing is done about it.”
3) God uses circumstances in our lives to get our attention. There is no hard and fast rule that says that obeying God in all things will always result in the Christian prospering materially and physically (much to the annoyance of many health and wealth gospel preachers). But it is a general principle throughout the Bible that obeying God brings blessing, disobeying God brings punishment – or, to paraphrase Randy Alcorn “Obeying God is always smart, disobeying God is always stupid.” We also know from God’s character that He loves us as a father loves his children, and He will use circumstances to chasten us for the purposes of discipline and to correct our wandering ways. As Solomon writes in Proverbs 3: 11-12 and the writer of Hebrews quotes in Hebrews 12: 5-6 “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as father the son in whom He delights.
So the question then becomes are there circumstances occurring in our life right now that indicate something is not right in our lives? There is the suffering that God allows to purifying us – absolutely. But there is also the suffering and circumstances that God allows as the result of sin or getting off track from His will. We would find it sad and silly if the driver of a car, when suddenly veering to the lane dividers did not pull back into the lane but said, as you were jostling along “Don’t worry – this will clear up in a minute?. When we knowingly disobey God, when the circumstances come and yet, we have “no idea” why they have occurred, we are no less foolish.
4) Finally, when we are confronted with our failure to serve God’s purposes, do we immediately seek to repent and return to what we were called to, or do we seek to justify ourselves, or come up with reasons that we can’t, or continue with what we were doing before? The quicker we repent and do what the Lord commands, the quicker we can return to area of blessing. Matthew Henry again “Those that have lost time have need to redeem time, and the longer we have loitered in that which is good the more haste we should make when we are convinced of our folly.”
In closing, most of you know the story of Jim Elliot, missionary to the Auca Indians. I won’t recount his story here, but I will finish with a paragraph concerning him from the Holman Old Testament Commentary on Haggai:
“The world probably looked at the death of Jim Elliot as a waste. He had so much promise – the charisma, the talent! He could have accomplished so much in the world. He died so young (not even thirty). He was foolish to have thrown away his life like that. Yet Elliott himself answers such criticisms. In his diary, Jim wrote these classic words: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’ The apostle John put it this way: ‘The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.’(1 John 2:17). Haggai calls on us to put God and His kingdom first at all costs. This is all that will endure. In C.T. Studd’s words, ‘Only one life, ‘twill soon be past; Only what’s done for Christ will last.'"
Labs, Lawn Peeing, and Sanctification
So now, we have a dog. It is somewhat fortunate that I was not overly attached to my backyard, because it has become, well, doggitized. Beyond the joy of Dog poop removal (if I was a clever man, I could figure out how to convert dog poop into renewal energy - I'd be a billionaire!) I now have the joy of large brown spots in parts of my lawn as well as parts of my garden (and a lot of feet of sprinkler hose) becoming dog play toys.
After the spots began appearing on my lawn, I referred to the Internet (Ah, what won't it do) to see if anything could be done. One suggestion I read was that if the lawn is flushed with water periodically, this will help to wash the urine off the grass and dilute it. Fair enough: I've got a timer on my sprinkler, so not a problem.
An unlooked for result of this is that my grass growth has become a lot more lush. It has also highlighted the fact that I have different grasses in my lawn, some which grow better than others.
It was actually a week ago that I noticed that some of the older brown spots had spots of green in them. The more resistant grass has begun to send out shoots, which are now starting to populate the dead areas. Suddenly, it appears that over time I may end up with a more resilient lawn.
The thought then hit me (and it disturbs me that my mind works this way) that this is a lot like the process of sanctification. Sin, if you will, creates the dead spots in the lawn of our lives. God, in His graciousness, begins to send His roots of holiness into our lives. Eventually, they will green up - as long as we continue to be diligent in watering it with the Word, prayer, and God's grace. And, like my lawn, it looks pretty bad now - but in eternity, we'll be glorified, freed from the stains of sin in us.
After the spots began appearing on my lawn, I referred to the Internet (Ah, what won't it do) to see if anything could be done. One suggestion I read was that if the lawn is flushed with water periodically, this will help to wash the urine off the grass and dilute it. Fair enough: I've got a timer on my sprinkler, so not a problem.
An unlooked for result of this is that my grass growth has become a lot more lush. It has also highlighted the fact that I have different grasses in my lawn, some which grow better than others.
It was actually a week ago that I noticed that some of the older brown spots had spots of green in them. The more resistant grass has begun to send out shoots, which are now starting to populate the dead areas. Suddenly, it appears that over time I may end up with a more resilient lawn.
The thought then hit me (and it disturbs me that my mind works this way) that this is a lot like the process of sanctification. Sin, if you will, creates the dead spots in the lawn of our lives. God, in His graciousness, begins to send His roots of holiness into our lives. Eventually, they will green up - as long as we continue to be diligent in watering it with the Word, prayer, and God's grace. And, like my lawn, it looks pretty bad now - but in eternity, we'll be glorified, freed from the stains of sin in us.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Midlife Crisis
So after some thought coming home this evening, I've decided I think I'm going to have a midlife crisis.
"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com
I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"
Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.
When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?
When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"
Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?
Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?
"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com
I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"
Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.
When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?
When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"
Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?
Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Vacation
Back from vacation - which, although we didn't go far, seemed to consume as much time and energy as a traveling one.
During our week, we went shopping at the outlets, attended a minor league baseball game, went to the Grass Valley Fair, to Coloma (discovery site of gold in California), and to Discovery Kingdom. Syrah escaped two days out of three from her kennel (apparently Labradors, once they set their minds to something, do it) - but she stayed around the house.
As usual, I overestimated my ability to get things read, or plan, or write, or catch up on other important matters- not that it's bad, it's just frustrating and something I need to get over. Vacations are for vacating, working visits are for working.
I also got confirmation of my new job and accepted it, looked for my queen bee three times - and couldn't find her, and rededicated myself through writing out a new series of goals and objectives.
Now, I just need a vacation from my vacation...
During our week, we went shopping at the outlets, attended a minor league baseball game, went to the Grass Valley Fair, to Coloma (discovery site of gold in California), and to Discovery Kingdom. Syrah escaped two days out of three from her kennel (apparently Labradors, once they set their minds to something, do it) - but she stayed around the house.
As usual, I overestimated my ability to get things read, or plan, or write, or catch up on other important matters- not that it's bad, it's just frustrating and something I need to get over. Vacations are for vacating, working visits are for working.
I also got confirmation of my new job and accepted it, looked for my queen bee three times - and couldn't find her, and rededicated myself through writing out a new series of goals and objectives.
Now, I just need a vacation from my vacation...
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
Evening at the Ranch
We went for a walk this evening -Syrah, Bandit, and myself. The sun had gone, and the waxing crescent moon was above the horizon as we set out.
The grass by now is the faded straw yellow of summer, the way all grass eventually goes here. But even in the fields of the dessicated, there are still signs of life: wildflowers with names I don't know lifting their pencil lead thin stalks to the sky, and weeds close to the ground.
We took the long walk around the upper meadow. The horse thundered up halfway to meet us, perhaps not enthused about the company of dogs, but it beat being alone. As the dogs pounded ahead of me, they raised small clouds of dust, their paw prints melding in with the turkey, horseshoes, tennis shoe, and bear tracks already there.
As we reached the upper side, we came across nature in action: parts of a deer vertebrae scattered about and nearby, a jawbone. It looked to be a young deer by the wear on the teeth. I picked the jaw up to take back to the house.
There was a moment, when the dogs were ahead of me, that everything was perfectly still. Everything. No wind in the trees, no sounds of cars or dogs nearby, no crickets or frogs, nothing. Just the silent sound of crescent moon beams falling on the meadow.
I love this place. Here, like no other, I can hear God.
The grass by now is the faded straw yellow of summer, the way all grass eventually goes here. But even in the fields of the dessicated, there are still signs of life: wildflowers with names I don't know lifting their pencil lead thin stalks to the sky, and weeds close to the ground.
We took the long walk around the upper meadow. The horse thundered up halfway to meet us, perhaps not enthused about the company of dogs, but it beat being alone. As the dogs pounded ahead of me, they raised small clouds of dust, their paw prints melding in with the turkey, horseshoes, tennis shoe, and bear tracks already there.
As we reached the upper side, we came across nature in action: parts of a deer vertebrae scattered about and nearby, a jawbone. It looked to be a young deer by the wear on the teeth. I picked the jaw up to take back to the house.
There was a moment, when the dogs were ahead of me, that everything was perfectly still. Everything. No wind in the trees, no sounds of cars or dogs nearby, no crickets or frogs, nothing. Just the silent sound of crescent moon beams falling on the meadow.
I love this place. Here, like no other, I can hear God.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Metal Vivaldi
This is just cool. I don't care if you're neither a fan of metal rock or Vivaldi.
http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/07/23/two-guitars-just-two/
(Sorry - if I were smarter, I could just put it in here...)
HT: The Anchoress
http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/07/23/two-guitars-just-two/
(Sorry - if I were smarter, I could just put it in here...)
HT: The Anchoress
Changing jobs is like dying
How's that for an opener?
It hit my last night as I collapsed in a heap, exhausted from an afternoon of essentially being used as a tool to meet the timeline of people who are not necessarily very kind. I know I have an offer in the works. I can grasp that very soon, none of the problems I am currently dealing with will matter - and after the day of the official announcement, they all go away (if you've ever dealt with someone who is leaving a company, especially a bad situation, it's odd how they get that smile on their face...). Yet, I still continue to get worked up about them.
But isn't this the Christian life in a microcosm? In point of fact, this whole life is going away soon (sooner than we think!). As Christians, we know we have an ultimate destination which is far different - and far better - than what we are currently facing. And yet, we continue to get possessed and bothered by the things of this life that we know are passing away.
When we were saved, we essentially announced we have made our arrangements to change our ultimate location. Why aren't we smiling more?
It hit my last night as I collapsed in a heap, exhausted from an afternoon of essentially being used as a tool to meet the timeline of people who are not necessarily very kind. I know I have an offer in the works. I can grasp that very soon, none of the problems I am currently dealing with will matter - and after the day of the official announcement, they all go away (if you've ever dealt with someone who is leaving a company, especially a bad situation, it's odd how they get that smile on their face...). Yet, I still continue to get worked up about them.
But isn't this the Christian life in a microcosm? In point of fact, this whole life is going away soon (sooner than we think!). As Christians, we know we have an ultimate destination which is far different - and far better - than what we are currently facing. And yet, we continue to get possessed and bothered by the things of this life that we know are passing away.
When we were saved, we essentially announced we have made our arrangements to change our ultimate location. Why aren't we smiling more?
Friday, August 01, 2008
Embracing responsibilities
Today our admin, An Pholainneach, took me out to lunch. We went to the Chinese place across the street - which always makes me happy. Mongolian beef makes me even happier.
As we were talking, we were reflecting on the fact that within our department, there are individuals who seek out and embrace new responsibilities (or rather, embrace those which are thrust upon them!) and those who simply refuse to take them up, even when they are put in the position to take them on - repeatedly. It makes harder for the department, of course, as the pool of the willing always seems to shrink, but it would also seem to make it harder for the individual, as they become less able to grow with the company.
It strikes me as odd - after all, if one doesn't do more, one is always doing both loosing out on the present opportunities as well as the future ones. But then again, how many times has God offered me the opportunity to do more or learn more, and I turn it aside? How can I embrace my career and not God?
As we were talking, we were reflecting on the fact that within our department, there are individuals who seek out and embrace new responsibilities (or rather, embrace those which are thrust upon them!) and those who simply refuse to take them up, even when they are put in the position to take them on - repeatedly. It makes harder for the department, of course, as the pool of the willing always seems to shrink, but it would also seem to make it harder for the individual, as they become less able to grow with the company.
It strikes me as odd - after all, if one doesn't do more, one is always doing both loosing out on the present opportunities as well as the future ones. But then again, how many times has God offered me the opportunity to do more or learn more, and I turn it aside? How can I embrace my career and not God?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Monday
Lord,
Today was another one of those days
where I wonder
"Are you there?"
I didn't get but two hours of sleep
to face a Monday.
My Inbox was overloaded
and my commute buddy napped.
All morning I looked at documents
that won't matter in five years,
let alone in eternity;
and dealt with people's little issues,
knowing there would only be more
tomorrow.
I left feeling worn, defeated,
only to sit in two hours of traffic -
On a Monday.
And then, I can't log in
to finish my presentation for tomorrow.
Finally, the time I have left for home and family,
I feel nothing but tired and cranky.
I know you say to rejoice in all things,
and obey in all matters, not as eyepleasers
but with sincerity of heart,
But today just feels grey and mushy,
with no hope of tomorrow being better than today.
Today was another one of those days
where I wonder
"Are you there?"
I didn't get but two hours of sleep
to face a Monday.
My Inbox was overloaded
and my commute buddy napped.
All morning I looked at documents
that won't matter in five years,
let alone in eternity;
and dealt with people's little issues,
knowing there would only be more
tomorrow.
I left feeling worn, defeated,
only to sit in two hours of traffic -
On a Monday.
And then, I can't log in
to finish my presentation for tomorrow.
Finally, the time I have left for home and family,
I feel nothing but tired and cranky.
I know you say to rejoice in all things,
and obey in all matters, not as eyepleasers
but with sincerity of heart,
But today just feels grey and mushy,
with no hope of tomorrow being better than today.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Wheat and Chaff
Today I finished the threshing of my wheat. I keep trying to find ways to help along an essentially manual process (I'm far too small for any kind of machinery, and you would think they would make some kind of hand combine for small batches - in that case, you'd be wrong). This time, I took the remainder, threshed it all, then hand dropped it into the bucket to get rid of the worst of the chaff, followed rinsing it. It is now drying in the hot summer sun.
In doing the wheat, as with every year, I am again struck by the image of wheat as used by Christ. Most people, I think, don't really understand what chaff is as it relates to our spiritual lives. We have the idea that it a weighty thing, something that will have some kind of significance in eternity, that will carry some kind of merit. The fact is, chaff is light and blows away easily. Those who process the grain purposely seek to get rid of the stuff. It is only the weighty grain, which falls back into the bucket or on the ground, that has any value to the farmer.
In Psalm 1:4, God compares the way of the wicked to "Chaff which blows away" - which is a good remainder to all of us what our lives are in comparison to God without Christ - little bits of dead plant matter which will whirl away in the first zephyr breeze of the Last Trumpet.
In doing the wheat, as with every year, I am again struck by the image of wheat as used by Christ. Most people, I think, don't really understand what chaff is as it relates to our spiritual lives. We have the idea that it a weighty thing, something that will have some kind of significance in eternity, that will carry some kind of merit. The fact is, chaff is light and blows away easily. Those who process the grain purposely seek to get rid of the stuff. It is only the weighty grain, which falls back into the bucket or on the ground, that has any value to the farmer.
In Psalm 1:4, God compares the way of the wicked to "Chaff which blows away" - which is a good remainder to all of us what our lives are in comparison to God without Christ - little bits of dead plant matter which will whirl away in the first zephyr breeze of the Last Trumpet.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Onions Anyone?
So As I working in the garden this morning, it suddenly struck me that I have never really shown this place that give me so much joy. So welcome!
Here's looking one way..
And here's the other
Squash and potatoes...
Squash and potatoes...
Buried in this is are soybeans, jalapenos, sweet banana peppers, green bell peppers, cucumbers, cantaloupe, soybeans, tomatoes - and a pumpkin that's gone nuts!
A sunflower overhanging my compost pile...
Hides surprises!
Zucchini, Onions, and Garlic
A bucket of spuds and an onlooker:
Thanks for stopping by!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Lab on the Run
Yesterday Syrah got out again.
She has done this three times since she came to live with us. Out the front door, or out the garage, and she's gone like a shot. She thinks it's a big game: running down, running back, stopping to look at you, then tearing away again, as you follow her farther and farther down the street. Each time, it's been a fifteen minute saga of me hollering, her looking at me in that goofy dog way, and then effectively saying "Play with me some more!"
Finally, myself or a very helpful neighbor corrals her, I put on her collar, and then we walk home, grumbling all the away about the dog and why did I ever think of getting one and this will be the last time this happens...
Which is all very fascinating, of course - until I point the finger at myself.
How many times has God given me something, whether a gift, or answer to prayer, or a freedom - and rather than be respectful or grateful or self controlled, I go tearing off with it down the road, looking back, shouting "Thank you! - It's mine!" as I continue to run -right into a building, or a hole, or a sin, or something else bad.
And then God comes, looks at me, picks me up, and puts me back in the fence, to try another day.
The dog simply has no training. What's my excuse?
She has done this three times since she came to live with us. Out the front door, or out the garage, and she's gone like a shot. She thinks it's a big game: running down, running back, stopping to look at you, then tearing away again, as you follow her farther and farther down the street. Each time, it's been a fifteen minute saga of me hollering, her looking at me in that goofy dog way, and then effectively saying "Play with me some more!"
Finally, myself or a very helpful neighbor corrals her, I put on her collar, and then we walk home, grumbling all the away about the dog and why did I ever think of getting one and this will be the last time this happens...
Which is all very fascinating, of course - until I point the finger at myself.
How many times has God given me something, whether a gift, or answer to prayer, or a freedom - and rather than be respectful or grateful or self controlled, I go tearing off with it down the road, looking back, shouting "Thank you! - It's mine!" as I continue to run -right into a building, or a hole, or a sin, or something else bad.
And then God comes, looks at me, picks me up, and puts me back in the fence, to try another day.
The dog simply has no training. What's my excuse?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
What matters
Based on the service on Thursday (see below), I spoke with Bogha Frois on Friday. My thought, as I relayed it to her, was that death (as it always does) tends to focus one's mind wonderfully - especially in this case, where in so many ways, the impact of what is left behind seems small.
Her thought in the matter was that she had been confronting this very issue. She finds herself bogged down in the politics of work, and wishes that she could spend more time with her boys and her husband - to stay home, do something from home, and be there for them.
My thought, in thinking about this, was "Why not?" Life is short, and the one guaranteed job that no-one can do better than you is be a parent to your child. It is the single biggest thing you can do to impact the future.
So often I get caught up in what my impact is, what I am doing, how I can change things - and fail to remember that, like a bowman, I am aiming my children (consciously or unconsciously) towards a horizon that I will never reach (and that horizon keeps creeping closer every day!) so that I can release them. Caught in the present, my present, I shoot towards the future.
Does that mean it's easy? No - it entails sacrifices of various kinds, which anyone who has done it can relate to you - even perhaps the sacrifice of a short term feeling of significance. But the rich rewards of what it can yield may be felt not only here, but in eternity.
Besides - entire sub-industries are dedicated to individuals starting their own businesses. Why not the same sort of enthusiasm and industry to those who are making decisions to actively raise and be there for their children?
Her thought in the matter was that she had been confronting this very issue. She finds herself bogged down in the politics of work, and wishes that she could spend more time with her boys and her husband - to stay home, do something from home, and be there for them.
My thought, in thinking about this, was "Why not?" Life is short, and the one guaranteed job that no-one can do better than you is be a parent to your child. It is the single biggest thing you can do to impact the future.
So often I get caught up in what my impact is, what I am doing, how I can change things - and fail to remember that, like a bowman, I am aiming my children (consciously or unconsciously) towards a horizon that I will never reach (and that horizon keeps creeping closer every day!) so that I can release them. Caught in the present, my present, I shoot towards the future.
Does that mean it's easy? No - it entails sacrifices of various kinds, which anyone who has done it can relate to you - even perhaps the sacrifice of a short term feeling of significance. But the rich rewards of what it can yield may be felt not only here, but in eternity.
Besides - entire sub-industries are dedicated to individuals starting their own businesses. Why not the same sort of enthusiasm and industry to those who are making decisions to actively raise and be there for their children?
Traveling to Eternity
We went to my nephew's father's funeral this last Thursday. It was a very sobering experience.
This makes the second time this year I have attended a funeral of a presumed non-believer. The focus is very different than the ones I am typically used to. In the funeral of a Christian, although there is often sadness, there is always the hope of the resurrection. The service always intertwines both Christ and the memory of the individual, and how that individual showed Christ in their life to the world.
In the funeral on Thursday, his brothers and two friends spoke. It was somber and sad, befitting both the situation as well as individuals which ( I would guess) do not think about eternity frequently dealing with loss.
All concurred that he had a sense of humor and was always able to make others laugh, that he was someone that you could always depend on, and that lots of beer was consumed. The filler between these points were stories by the different individuals, demonstrating these points.
His younger brother hit the point which was closest to dealing with reality, that his brother served as an example - of things not to do, of mistakes to be learned from.
The service was remarkably well attended - standing room only - and bore signs of something which I have noted before to my fellow Christians: there is a sense of taking care of one another, of being there for one another, that often seems absent to me in the same sort of Christian group.
He was fun, he was there for you, and he drank beer. What would this be to present before the throne?
I was speaking with Nighean gheal afterwards, and she asked me about him. My response - the one I first heard from my pastor and I believe - is that there is always hope. He knew the truth, and had been introduced to it from more than one source. We never know, at least on this side, what happens right at death.
Still, it reminded me that it is an important goal - nay, the goal of ever Christian - to ensure that others have more than a faint hope of the resurrection.
This makes the second time this year I have attended a funeral of a presumed non-believer. The focus is very different than the ones I am typically used to. In the funeral of a Christian, although there is often sadness, there is always the hope of the resurrection. The service always intertwines both Christ and the memory of the individual, and how that individual showed Christ in their life to the world.
In the funeral on Thursday, his brothers and two friends spoke. It was somber and sad, befitting both the situation as well as individuals which ( I would guess) do not think about eternity frequently dealing with loss.
All concurred that he had a sense of humor and was always able to make others laugh, that he was someone that you could always depend on, and that lots of beer was consumed. The filler between these points were stories by the different individuals, demonstrating these points.
His younger brother hit the point which was closest to dealing with reality, that his brother served as an example - of things not to do, of mistakes to be learned from.
The service was remarkably well attended - standing room only - and bore signs of something which I have noted before to my fellow Christians: there is a sense of taking care of one another, of being there for one another, that often seems absent to me in the same sort of Christian group.
He was fun, he was there for you, and he drank beer. What would this be to present before the throne?
I was speaking with Nighean gheal afterwards, and she asked me about him. My response - the one I first heard from my pastor and I believe - is that there is always hope. He knew the truth, and had been introduced to it from more than one source. We never know, at least on this side, what happens right at death.
Still, it reminded me that it is an important goal - nay, the goal of ever Christian - to ensure that others have more than a faint hope of the resurrection.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Decisions
I have wondered (in my off hours) what the intent of God is in my life by the circumstances that He places me in. I sometimes wonder if He doesn't shake His head and wonder "Why did he do that?"
Somewhere I read (long ago) that our lives our similar to a football game: once the play is made, you have to move the ball from where you are. Sometimes opportunities and tasks which were choices once are no more, due to our own choices or our own sin.
I counsel my children constantly to make the best choice that they can. Certainly in my own life, I've come to realize the importance of considering decisions in their fullness - not 1 year from now, but 10 or 20 years or even beyond my lifetime.
But doesn't this impact how I make decisions? Yes, unfortunately not always for the better. If you lack the confidence that you can make a good decision, you will tend towards not making any decision at all, lest you make a bad one - which, of course, means that by not making a decision you have made one.
How does one become more confident that the decisions one makes are good ones?
Somewhere I read (long ago) that our lives our similar to a football game: once the play is made, you have to move the ball from where you are. Sometimes opportunities and tasks which were choices once are no more, due to our own choices or our own sin.
I counsel my children constantly to make the best choice that they can. Certainly in my own life, I've come to realize the importance of considering decisions in their fullness - not 1 year from now, but 10 or 20 years or even beyond my lifetime.
But doesn't this impact how I make decisions? Yes, unfortunately not always for the better. If you lack the confidence that you can make a good decision, you will tend towards not making any decision at all, lest you make a bad one - which, of course, means that by not making a decision you have made one.
How does one become more confident that the decisions one makes are good ones?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Onions
So I knocked over some of my onions tonight. It's the first time I've tried it this way - and I'm a little concerned.
Which represents a not uncommon theme in my life, which is that I get stuff to grow or tasks accomplished - and then have no idea what to do.
One of my strengths, I would argue, is that I am willing to try anything - my theory being "If I can read it, then I can do it." I've tried all kinds of things in my gardens - some successfully, some less so. But then, when I am successful, I have no idea what the next step is.
Which probably represents a lack of planning.
Still, to be safe, I grew more onions. You can never be too sure....
Which represents a not uncommon theme in my life, which is that I get stuff to grow or tasks accomplished - and then have no idea what to do.
One of my strengths, I would argue, is that I am willing to try anything - my theory being "If I can read it, then I can do it." I've tried all kinds of things in my gardens - some successfully, some less so. But then, when I am successful, I have no idea what the next step is.
Which probably represents a lack of planning.
Still, to be safe, I grew more onions. You can never be too sure....
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Smarter than this
I find myself feeling discontented and trapped tonight - trapped in my life.
Ye saints and martyrs, I'm smarter than this. I feel trapped by work, trapped by finances, trapped by what I'm doing. This vague sense of "This is not really working - but I've no idea how to change it."
I am growing tired of living in this ever present miasma of fear about the economy and the future. I am not at all happy about the economy, do not misinterpret, nor do I think that my job is immune from it. At the same time, fear is doing nothing. Why am I not smarter about doing something, anything to get out of this rut?
Perhaps the one thing that needs to happen is I (again) need to find a locus, that one thing where I can start making sense of it all. What is the one place I can start at?
I need to something to catapult me out of this bog. Slogging through in ordinary ways is, I think, not going to be effective.
I am smarter than this.
Ye saints and martyrs, I'm smarter than this. I feel trapped by work, trapped by finances, trapped by what I'm doing. This vague sense of "This is not really working - but I've no idea how to change it."
I am growing tired of living in this ever present miasma of fear about the economy and the future. I am not at all happy about the economy, do not misinterpret, nor do I think that my job is immune from it. At the same time, fear is doing nothing. Why am I not smarter about doing something, anything to get out of this rut?
Perhaps the one thing that needs to happen is I (again) need to find a locus, that one thing where I can start making sense of it all. What is the one place I can start at?
I need to something to catapult me out of this bog. Slogging through in ordinary ways is, I think, not going to be effective.
I am smarter than this.
Absconded Bees
So I talked to my father tonight. The second hive of the bees we purchased this year absconded.
(For those of you not in the know, swarming is when a colony splits, absconding is when the whole colony moves out).
I am quite depressed about the whole thing - two weeks ago, when I looked, the colony seemed fine. It's as if nature itself is fighting against me. What don't I know? What I've read suggests it is due to major stress such as bears, starvation, weather changed, etc.
Not sure - but it sure is disappointing.
(For those of you not in the know, swarming is when a colony splits, absconding is when the whole colony moves out).
I am quite depressed about the whole thing - two weeks ago, when I looked, the colony seemed fine. It's as if nature itself is fighting against me. What don't I know? What I've read suggests it is due to major stress such as bears, starvation, weather changed, etc.
Not sure - but it sure is disappointing.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Odd Mood
In an odd mood today. The audit with the regulatory agency, and Syrah, have reset my schedule and my life. I feel out of it, fallen out of a schedule that I can't rightly get back into. Additionally, I took the day off today - it is the Ravishing Mrs. TB's birthday - and due to a confluence of events, I find I am home alone this morning, to think.
Part of my odd mood is the feeling that I am in control of so little of my life. I don't really feel like I have control of very much at all. Events are swirling around me which I cannot influence or control.
And in my own personal life, those things I do for interest or enjoyment are also in flux. I've always had a problem with self discipline and continuing on - but if I continually put off some things, does that mean that I really want to do them?
How do I refocus to go forward?
Part of my odd mood is the feeling that I am in control of so little of my life. I don't really feel like I have control of very much at all. Events are swirling around me which I cannot influence or control.
And in my own personal life, those things I do for interest or enjoyment are also in flux. I've always had a problem with self discipline and continuing on - but if I continually put off some things, does that mean that I really want to do them?
How do I refocus to go forward?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Life takes a Holiday
An odd weekend. Coming home Friday night, I was in a better, but none the less somewhat unhappy mood, feeling late, badgered, and ready to just be home. Then I got home to the Ravishing Mrs. TB out on the front porch, waving me in.
Her mother was on the phone. The father of my younger nephew, Gille Beag Dorcha, had shot himself in the head that morning.
He had had a troubled life of late. My sister in law had asked him to move out some 8 months or so ago, as his lifestyle and lack of job had pushed her to the limit. He had moved back in with his mother, and was staying there. He had difficulties with alcohol, difficulties with keeping a job (and supporting his son), and difficulties with the law. And he was also a victim - a victim of a bad divorce, one that punitively punished him and separated him from his daughter. And so, Friday morning while his mother was watching TV, he took his life.
It certainly changes your perspective on life.
Was he saved? Both my daughters asked me, and I don't have the full answer. I know he knew - probably three times over, as it occurred: we had discussed it once that I recall, I know my sister in law discussed it, and we also found out that it appears he attended Catholic church for some portion of his life with his grandfather. He knew the truth, and this side of death, we'll never know for sure. But the hope, I think, is slim.
The time we discussed it, he told me flat up that he did not believe in God. As I look back now, I wonder what his objection was based on. So often, I think, objections are based on what anyone feels, rather than on any sort of serious investigation of the matter.
How does it change your perspective? On one had, it certainly makes the importance of family that much more important. Every memory is important - because you never know when you will stop making them.
A second part is the criticality of the Gospel. Eternity is real. Every day, men and women are plunging into Hell -certainly from their own volitional will, but perhaps as well because someone, maybe me, failed to raise the issue for reasons that in the light of eternity, will seem silly indeed.
The third part is the nature of the important and the urgent. Life and death, eternal life and death, are important. The souls of men and women are important.
The other stuff will burn with fire as chaff.
Oddly enough, the thing that sticks with me the most is that yesterday, his brothers had to come to his mother's house to clean the room. What a metaphor for our sin - in the end, others end up cleaning up the mess, perhaps even the blood, that we leave behind, splattered all over.
Her mother was on the phone. The father of my younger nephew, Gille Beag Dorcha, had shot himself in the head that morning.
He had had a troubled life of late. My sister in law had asked him to move out some 8 months or so ago, as his lifestyle and lack of job had pushed her to the limit. He had moved back in with his mother, and was staying there. He had difficulties with alcohol, difficulties with keeping a job (and supporting his son), and difficulties with the law. And he was also a victim - a victim of a bad divorce, one that punitively punished him and separated him from his daughter. And so, Friday morning while his mother was watching TV, he took his life.
It certainly changes your perspective on life.
Was he saved? Both my daughters asked me, and I don't have the full answer. I know he knew - probably three times over, as it occurred: we had discussed it once that I recall, I know my sister in law discussed it, and we also found out that it appears he attended Catholic church for some portion of his life with his grandfather. He knew the truth, and this side of death, we'll never know for sure. But the hope, I think, is slim.
The time we discussed it, he told me flat up that he did not believe in God. As I look back now, I wonder what his objection was based on. So often, I think, objections are based on what anyone feels, rather than on any sort of serious investigation of the matter.
How does it change your perspective? On one had, it certainly makes the importance of family that much more important. Every memory is important - because you never know when you will stop making them.
A second part is the criticality of the Gospel. Eternity is real. Every day, men and women are plunging into Hell -certainly from their own volitional will, but perhaps as well because someone, maybe me, failed to raise the issue for reasons that in the light of eternity, will seem silly indeed.
The third part is the nature of the important and the urgent. Life and death, eternal life and death, are important. The souls of men and women are important.
The other stuff will burn with fire as chaff.
Oddly enough, the thing that sticks with me the most is that yesterday, his brothers had to come to his mother's house to clean the room. What a metaphor for our sin - in the end, others end up cleaning up the mess, perhaps even the blood, that we leave behind, splattered all over.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dream
I had another one of those dreams last night - the kind where you truly think that your mind is trying to talk to you.
It came on the heels of a week and a half of audits. The change in my physical pattern is amazing. Up to last night, due to the start time of the audit and the driving distance, I was waking up later - and going to bed later as a result. My sleep pattern was the best it has been in at least 2 years - either didn't wake up at all, or woke up once, in both cases feeling rested. Last night that changed, as I was going back to the Home Office. I woke up three times at least and now type with a headache floating at the forefront of my brain.
In the dream, I was back at a company - A- that I had worked at in the past. I was there, apparently, to interview for a job. as A had been bought out but was hiring. I went through the manufacturing area, speaking with the interviewer about various pieces of equipment and processes I knew ("The waste tank system - did they ever fix that?"), management, and individuals. The location was not truly A, but a mixture of equipment, facilities, and architecture styles from lots of places that I have worked over the years.
The people I interviewed with were as well: of the 5 I remember interviewing with, I think only one or two actually worked at A. The others included someone I've never met, someone from my current job (in a position they do not work in), and an old manager, whom I was not really sure what their role was.
The most interesting feedback I had was from 1) The person who currently works at my company; and 2) someone that I think used to work at A. The person that used to work at my company - we'll call him D - brought to his office, which was apparently much larger inside that out, sat me down, and then started through baseballs against one of those nets that bounces them back. "Why are you looking to come back?" he asked. I responded with the typical answer you give if you've ever re interviewed at a place: Know the system, good opportunity, etc. His comment, as near as I can recall, as he was throwing balls against net, was "Sometimes we just settle for lack of challenge because it's comfortable."
The other individual - call him E - was one that I associate with Company A, though I can't tell you why. His commentary, without even an initial greeting, was a story about a colleague of his from Mexico who, when she heard he was going to Mexico, asked him why he would do something like that. His response at the time was because it was a learning experience.
Finally, at the last step of the interview, I saw my old boss MB. I have not seen or heard from him for almost three years, as it seems he has dropped off the earth. I was really excited to see him - but his response, as he rushed passed to the bathroom, was a sort of rushed cool "Good to see you."
And then I woke up, saw that it was 0400, and realized I should probably get up because my alarm was going off in 30 minutes.
It came on the heels of a week and a half of audits. The change in my physical pattern is amazing. Up to last night, due to the start time of the audit and the driving distance, I was waking up later - and going to bed later as a result. My sleep pattern was the best it has been in at least 2 years - either didn't wake up at all, or woke up once, in both cases feeling rested. Last night that changed, as I was going back to the Home Office. I woke up three times at least and now type with a headache floating at the forefront of my brain.
In the dream, I was back at a company - A- that I had worked at in the past. I was there, apparently, to interview for a job. as A had been bought out but was hiring. I went through the manufacturing area, speaking with the interviewer about various pieces of equipment and processes I knew ("The waste tank system - did they ever fix that?"), management, and individuals. The location was not truly A, but a mixture of equipment, facilities, and architecture styles from lots of places that I have worked over the years.
The people I interviewed with were as well: of the 5 I remember interviewing with, I think only one or two actually worked at A. The others included someone I've never met, someone from my current job (in a position they do not work in), and an old manager, whom I was not really sure what their role was.
The most interesting feedback I had was from 1) The person who currently works at my company; and 2) someone that I think used to work at A. The person that used to work at my company - we'll call him D - brought to his office, which was apparently much larger inside that out, sat me down, and then started through baseballs against one of those nets that bounces them back. "Why are you looking to come back?" he asked. I responded with the typical answer you give if you've ever re interviewed at a place: Know the system, good opportunity, etc. His comment, as near as I can recall, as he was throwing balls against net, was "Sometimes we just settle for lack of challenge because it's comfortable."
The other individual - call him E - was one that I associate with Company A, though I can't tell you why. His commentary, without even an initial greeting, was a story about a colleague of his from Mexico who, when she heard he was going to Mexico, asked him why he would do something like that. His response at the time was because it was a learning experience.
Finally, at the last step of the interview, I saw my old boss MB. I have not seen or heard from him for almost three years, as it seems he has dropped off the earth. I was really excited to see him - but his response, as he rushed passed to the bathroom, was a sort of rushed cool "Good to see you."
And then I woke up, saw that it was 0400, and realized I should probably get up because my alarm was going off in 30 minutes.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Work
Work has been very different these last two weeks. We have had a regulatory agency audit from the agency which regulates our industry (okay, fine, it's the FDA). Due to my boss being out on vacation, I was the one called upon to lead the audit - something which I have never done before.
In my industry, leading an FDA audit is a bit of a big deal. It has ramifications, as any observations or violations of law can carry legal penalties. On a bright note, the regulatory auditors I have dealt with (and it has been nine or ten in the last three years) have without exception been individuals who were tough but fair, and to a person, friendly. They're there to do a job, you're there to do a job. As long as everyone follows the ground rules, and a tense situation is not created by treating as an "Us-Them" relationship, things go along pretty well.
The different thing has been in my schedule and my life. As a result of the audit, I have sleeping 7+ hours a night, getting up with about 1.5 to 2 hours in the morning before I leave and seeing my family in the morning. I've gotten home a little later (that has been the major change there, although that has been due to holiday traffic as much as anything).
Certainly from a stress point of view, it's been much less: working on the audit, you tend to focus on the audit. The real change in this has been being removed from the day to day chaos back at the home office. I monitor it via e-mail and phone, but it is different than someone plopping in your office with "I have a problem you need to solve right now!".
The audit has also made me more intransigent concerning the work I do and what I am associated with. As I have often pointed out to others, it's not what you think, it's what the law means, and how it is applied - so why not do it right the first time. And in terms of association, frankly there's no excuse for sloppy or less than excellent work - we spend so much time correcting problems that could be fixed easily by doing it right the first time, why not just do it right?
It should be interesting when I get back...
In my industry, leading an FDA audit is a bit of a big deal. It has ramifications, as any observations or violations of law can carry legal penalties. On a bright note, the regulatory auditors I have dealt with (and it has been nine or ten in the last three years) have without exception been individuals who were tough but fair, and to a person, friendly. They're there to do a job, you're there to do a job. As long as everyone follows the ground rules, and a tense situation is not created by treating as an "Us-Them" relationship, things go along pretty well.
The different thing has been in my schedule and my life. As a result of the audit, I have sleeping 7+ hours a night, getting up with about 1.5 to 2 hours in the morning before I leave and seeing my family in the morning. I've gotten home a little later (that has been the major change there, although that has been due to holiday traffic as much as anything).
Certainly from a stress point of view, it's been much less: working on the audit, you tend to focus on the audit. The real change in this has been being removed from the day to day chaos back at the home office. I monitor it via e-mail and phone, but it is different than someone plopping in your office with "I have a problem you need to solve right now!".
The audit has also made me more intransigent concerning the work I do and what I am associated with. As I have often pointed out to others, it's not what you think, it's what the law means, and how it is applied - so why not do it right the first time. And in terms of association, frankly there's no excuse for sloppy or less than excellent work - we spend so much time correcting problems that could be fixed easily by doing it right the first time, why not just do it right?
It should be interesting when I get back...
New Blog
Otis's wife has started a blog at vintagechicthoughts.blogspot.com. I've also linked to it on the side. You should go read it. She speaks as well as she writes.
Proving, once again, that Otis married up...
Proving, once again, that Otis married up...
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Welcome to Syrah!
A big greetings to the latest addition to An Clann Toirdhealbheach Beucail, Syrah.
Syrah is a purebred American Field Trials black Labrador retriever, 18 months old, weighing 68 pounds (we know, she went to the vets yesterday). We found her through the Golden Gate Labrador Rescue Group, who does good work finding homes for Labrador's that need rescue. We had to drive to Reno on Saturday to get her - a bit more of a trip than we were anticipating - but she has been a fabulous dog. We have heard her bark precisely twice. She likes to play, and is very kind and loving with all the girls. She has interacted well over the weekend with my sister's dog, and has not chased our cats - although the cats are still trying to process it. She did well getting her first bath on Sunday (although I had to lift her into the tub, she stayed there once she was in). Walking her is not too terrible - she's awfully strong, but she will stop pulling if you stop. She didn't eat a great deal the first two days, but her appetite seems to have picked up yesterday.
We are very glad that she has joined our family!
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Life's Little Pleasures
Tonight I had five minutes of life's little pleasures. Pouring grass clippings from my lawn around my potatoes, hoeing out weeds behind my tomatoes, I drank beer I made last month.
There is something just viscerally satisfying about eating, drinking, or using the output of one's own efforts. I can't really explain why - I'm sure my beer would be considered undrinkable compared to most things I can purchase at Safeway, my sourballs never seem to hold together when I pull them out of the pan (more sour crumbles), and I bet I end up losing money on my garden - but none the less, there is something inside that seems to make me feel like I have actually done something of value.
It's interesting, because it is a feeling which I have scarcely felt in most of the "jobs" that I've ever had.
Interesting.
There is something just viscerally satisfying about eating, drinking, or using the output of one's own efforts. I can't really explain why - I'm sure my beer would be considered undrinkable compared to most things I can purchase at Safeway, my sourballs never seem to hold together when I pull them out of the pan (more sour crumbles), and I bet I end up losing money on my garden - but none the less, there is something inside that seems to make me feel like I have actually done something of value.
It's interesting, because it is a feeling which I have scarcely felt in most of the "jobs" that I've ever had.
Interesting.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Giving God My Best
Currently for our faith group, we are studying the Book of Malachi. Tonight we did Chapter 1:6-14.
Talk about being smacked upside the head.
The point of these verses is the complaint God has about the Jewish Priests during the time when Malachi is writing (circa 432-424 BC). God's complaint is that the priests dishonor Him. How, God rhetorically asks on behalf of the priests. By their dishonoring of His Altar.
How do they dishonor it, they ask? God answers by pointing out to them that they have ignored the commands of the Pentateuch in that all offerings were to be pure, unblemished, males a year of age. Instead, they were accepting animals that were blind, lame, and unfit for sacrifice. God then challenges them: offer them to the Persian governor - would he accept them? Of course not. How much less, then, would the Creator of the Universe.
God challenges them again: If you continue to do wrong, will He accept an offering from their hands - pure or impure? Will He accept them favorably?
He then finishes in verses 12-14, again pointing out that the priests disdain serving the Lord, sniffing or sneering at it and calling it "a weariness". And then He curses those who have that which should be offered to Him -the best - and instead offer something which is less than the best, because (it is implied) they want to keep it for themselves.
Fine and good, I say to myself. Yay Old Testament! Yay Grace instead of Law!
But the question remains: am I giving God my best?
And what is my best? Oh, it includes tithes and offerings (as in the Old Testament), but it includes much more. Do I give my time and talents to serving God - the best, not the leftovers? If I claim to truly love and serve Christ, do I seek to do His will - the low hanging fruit, the things that say "This is the will of God:.....", let alone the stuff that takes more discernment?
More often than not, I fear, I give God the seconds, thirds, or fourths: my energy, plans and life are too often spent on myself, my job, my plans, my family, and then God - maybe, if something else doesn't get in the way first.
An easy place to start is my schedule and my energy (read sleep pattern). I honestly should go to bed an hour to an hour and a half earlier than I typically do. I know I have to get early, and I know that a lack of sleep affects but. But I don't. Why? Because I want to do "my things", and doing them is more "important" than being well rested.
Does it impact me? Of course it does - all day, I'm run down. By the time I get home, my mood is only a little less than sour - and this the typical time I have to spend with my family. Are they seeing God through me there? I doubt it.
This then are two the challenges that God has given me through this study:
1) Am I giving God my best? How often? How much?
2) To do this, I have to come to understand His will more - and seek to do those things, rather than the things that I wish to do without consulting Him.
Talk about being smacked upside the head.
The point of these verses is the complaint God has about the Jewish Priests during the time when Malachi is writing (circa 432-424 BC). God's complaint is that the priests dishonor Him. How, God rhetorically asks on behalf of the priests. By their dishonoring of His Altar.
How do they dishonor it, they ask? God answers by pointing out to them that they have ignored the commands of the Pentateuch in that all offerings were to be pure, unblemished, males a year of age. Instead, they were accepting animals that were blind, lame, and unfit for sacrifice. God then challenges them: offer them to the Persian governor - would he accept them? Of course not. How much less, then, would the Creator of the Universe.
God challenges them again: If you continue to do wrong, will He accept an offering from their hands - pure or impure? Will He accept them favorably?
He then finishes in verses 12-14, again pointing out that the priests disdain serving the Lord, sniffing or sneering at it and calling it "a weariness". And then He curses those who have that which should be offered to Him -the best - and instead offer something which is less than the best, because (it is implied) they want to keep it for themselves.
Fine and good, I say to myself. Yay Old Testament! Yay Grace instead of Law!
But the question remains: am I giving God my best?
And what is my best? Oh, it includes tithes and offerings (as in the Old Testament), but it includes much more. Do I give my time and talents to serving God - the best, not the leftovers? If I claim to truly love and serve Christ, do I seek to do His will - the low hanging fruit, the things that say "This is the will of God:.....", let alone the stuff that takes more discernment?
More often than not, I fear, I give God the seconds, thirds, or fourths: my energy, plans and life are too often spent on myself, my job, my plans, my family, and then God - maybe, if something else doesn't get in the way first.
An easy place to start is my schedule and my energy (read sleep pattern). I honestly should go to bed an hour to an hour and a half earlier than I typically do. I know I have to get early, and I know that a lack of sleep affects but. But I don't. Why? Because I want to do "my things", and doing them is more "important" than being well rested.
Does it impact me? Of course it does - all day, I'm run down. By the time I get home, my mood is only a little less than sour - and this the typical time I have to spend with my family. Are they seeing God through me there? I doubt it.
This then are two the challenges that God has given me through this study:
1) Am I giving God my best? How often? How much?
2) To do this, I have to come to understand His will more - and seek to do those things, rather than the things that I wish to do without consulting Him.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Follow up
I am coming to see that we stay where we are until we learn the lesson we are to learn. Which would mean, of course, that if we stay in our problems, it is become in some form or fashion we are choosing to blatantly ignore the thing we are to learn.
Does this mean that those who suffer bad things that are not their fault are choosing them? No, and don't say that I said that (Yes, you there behind the computer screen). There is sin, and Satan actively makes war both against those who follow Christ as well as those who might think about it but can be turned by circumstances.
What I am speaking of is the less than life threatening situations: the annoying, the depressing, the enervating, where we hold our hands up to God and say "Why can't you fix this?" Perhaps God says back "Why won't you learn what you need to learn?"
A simple proof of my theory is in my own life is my current employment situation. Over the course of a year, I have had 5-6 telephone interviews and 2 face to face interviews. In the case of the face to face interviews, both of the seemed to go exceedingly well. And yet in both cases, nothing.
What is the lesson I think I am supposed to learn from my current job? Follow up, I think.
I am terrible at follow up. I put things in motion, then don't keep them going. I make commitments, then don't fulfill them. Why? Because it's hard, because it's boring, because it's grunt work and seems to go unnoticed.
But what I am noticing in myself is that if I am not careful, I will train my children this way as well. Nighean gheal is evincing interests in various activities, and if I keep saying "Yes, I'll look into it" and never do, she will learn the same thing as I.
The advantage to follow up? Speaking from a purely material point of view, it gets you to accomplish tasks, which will move you forward in whatever it is you are doing.
From a spiritual point of view, it teaches patience, commitment, and a hope for the thing which we cannot see now. Which is the nature of faith in God.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)
Does this mean that those who suffer bad things that are not their fault are choosing them? No, and don't say that I said that (Yes, you there behind the computer screen). There is sin, and Satan actively makes war both against those who follow Christ as well as those who might think about it but can be turned by circumstances.
What I am speaking of is the less than life threatening situations: the annoying, the depressing, the enervating, where we hold our hands up to God and say "Why can't you fix this?" Perhaps God says back "Why won't you learn what you need to learn?"
A simple proof of my theory is in my own life is my current employment situation. Over the course of a year, I have had 5-6 telephone interviews and 2 face to face interviews. In the case of the face to face interviews, both of the seemed to go exceedingly well. And yet in both cases, nothing.
What is the lesson I think I am supposed to learn from my current job? Follow up, I think.
I am terrible at follow up. I put things in motion, then don't keep them going. I make commitments, then don't fulfill them. Why? Because it's hard, because it's boring, because it's grunt work and seems to go unnoticed.
But what I am noticing in myself is that if I am not careful, I will train my children this way as well. Nighean gheal is evincing interests in various activities, and if I keep saying "Yes, I'll look into it" and never do, she will learn the same thing as I.
The advantage to follow up? Speaking from a purely material point of view, it gets you to accomplish tasks, which will move you forward in whatever it is you are doing.
From a spiritual point of view, it teaches patience, commitment, and a hope for the thing which we cannot see now. Which is the nature of faith in God.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Flensing for Me
Flensing, as you'll recall from your late middle school educational period, is the activity of removing the layer of blubber from whales, walruses, or other arctic mammals both to set it aside for use and to get at the meat. Using a "flensing tool", whalers would work the whales over and pull the blubber off in strips for use later.
Why flensing? It occurs to me that this is part of what I am continuing to seek to do, both through this blog, my other writing, and my thoughts: I'm trying to cut away at the interfering layers (as Benjamin Franklin said, "What you seem to be, be really") to get down at the core of who I am and what I want. Time is limited, and I can't really afford the luxury of messing around, continuing to work at the blubber level, thinking that "someday" I'll have the luxury of doing the things that are truly important - the fact is, I really don't have anything beyond the now.
I have a sign in my office that I read somewhere that I try to look at once a day: "Why are you doing this? What is the expected outcome?"
If anything, I should be asking that question more, not less.
Why flensing? It occurs to me that this is part of what I am continuing to seek to do, both through this blog, my other writing, and my thoughts: I'm trying to cut away at the interfering layers (as Benjamin Franklin said, "What you seem to be, be really") to get down at the core of who I am and what I want. Time is limited, and I can't really afford the luxury of messing around, continuing to work at the blubber level, thinking that "someday" I'll have the luxury of doing the things that are truly important - the fact is, I really don't have anything beyond the now.
I have a sign in my office that I read somewhere that I try to look at once a day: "Why are you doing this? What is the expected outcome?"
If anything, I should be asking that question more, not less.
Smoky
Dwelling where I do in Northern California, I am a beneficiary of the 1000+ fires that are going on in this region - not directly, through evacuations or actual burnings, but through smoke. Since Sunday, there has been a smoky haze around my home and all the way on my commute to my job. It's an experience I've not had before.
The only comparison I have to it is fog. The two are quite different - not just in appearance, fog being a sort of dampish grey and the smoke a sort of yellowish brown - but in the appearance the give to the landscape around them. The fog tends to conceal and then reveal, while the smoke just tends to make things disappear. Typically we can clear see 6-8 miles to the next city - now, it's difficult to clearly see a couple of miles up the road.
The other interesting thing to me is that the smoke hasn't cleared. Once it was here on Sunday, I expected it to move out by Monday. Here we are at Tuesday and, if anything, it seems to have gotten worse.
On the bright side, it makes for great sunrises and sunsets...
The only comparison I have to it is fog. The two are quite different - not just in appearance, fog being a sort of dampish grey and the smoke a sort of yellowish brown - but in the appearance the give to the landscape around them. The fog tends to conceal and then reveal, while the smoke just tends to make things disappear. Typically we can clear see 6-8 miles to the next city - now, it's difficult to clearly see a couple of miles up the road.
The other interesting thing to me is that the smoke hasn't cleared. Once it was here on Sunday, I expected it to move out by Monday. Here we are at Tuesday and, if anything, it seems to have gotten worse.
On the bright side, it makes for great sunrises and sunsets...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I Will Go Sailing No More
Out among the stars I sail
Way beyond the moon
In my silver ship
I sail
A dream that ended too soon
Now I know exactly who I am
And what I'm here for
And I will go sailing no more
All the things I thought I'd be
All the brave things I'd done
Vanished like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun
Never more to sail my ship
Where no man has gone before
And I will go sailing no more
No it can't be true
I could fly if I wanted to
Like a bird in the sky
I believe I can fly
Why I'd fly
Clearly I will go sailing, no more
Randy Newman, Toy Story
Way beyond the moon
In my silver ship
I sail
A dream that ended too soon
Now I know exactly who I am
And what I'm here for
And I will go sailing no more
All the things I thought I'd be
All the brave things I'd done
Vanished like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun
Never more to sail my ship
Where no man has gone before
And I will go sailing no more
No it can't be true
I could fly if I wanted to
Like a bird in the sky
I believe I can fly
Why I'd fly
Clearly I will go sailing, no more
Randy Newman, Toy Story
Thursday, June 19, 2008
What's bothering you?
Another one of the those questioning things brought on by Bogha Frois - when confronted with a down mood, she asks "What's bother you?" and then she asks "Why is that bothering you?" and then, "So what's really bothering you?". And on and on it goes.
Friends - they serve the useful purpose of pushing us and punishing us in ways that we would never do to ourselves.
And what has come out of this little exercise? Not the bottom of the hole, I'm sure, but I dredged something out.
I feel alone.
Alone, yet surrounded by people. It's an odd problem, yet one many writers far better than myself have plumbed: the idea that in modern society, we are more than ever surrounded by people, yet we are more than ever isolated.
What do I feel alone from? Those deep relationships that we all hope and hunger for, at some level.
Why? I realized that I am living a separate life. I am essentially living a form of opposite life from my family: I get up early, drive either alone or alone in essence, work all day surrounded coworkers, some of whom are good friends, but many of who are those whom we know because of convenience, rather than desire. At home, a brief time with the family as well as trying to accomplish those things that I want to do, and then bed - in theory by 9:30, although it probably should be earlier.
The other thing - and this is where my imagining comes in - is that I deeply desire the approval of others, especially others whom I think of as desirable or important. That, I realized, is what has driven my (at times) intense desire to be noticed by people whom I would otherwise not worry about: I perceive them as important or valuable or lovely or desirable, and so want them to like me. And when they don't (because, I think like me, they are often thrown together into situations of necessity or convenience rather than choice), I become disappointed or morose about the whole thing.
Is it the bottom? I don't think so, but we're digging down.
Friends - they serve the useful purpose of pushing us and punishing us in ways that we would never do to ourselves.
And what has come out of this little exercise? Not the bottom of the hole, I'm sure, but I dredged something out.
I feel alone.
Alone, yet surrounded by people. It's an odd problem, yet one many writers far better than myself have plumbed: the idea that in modern society, we are more than ever surrounded by people, yet we are more than ever isolated.
What do I feel alone from? Those deep relationships that we all hope and hunger for, at some level.
Why? I realized that I am living a separate life. I am essentially living a form of opposite life from my family: I get up early, drive either alone or alone in essence, work all day surrounded coworkers, some of whom are good friends, but many of who are those whom we know because of convenience, rather than desire. At home, a brief time with the family as well as trying to accomplish those things that I want to do, and then bed - in theory by 9:30, although it probably should be earlier.
The other thing - and this is where my imagining comes in - is that I deeply desire the approval of others, especially others whom I think of as desirable or important. That, I realized, is what has driven my (at times) intense desire to be noticed by people whom I would otherwise not worry about: I perceive them as important or valuable or lovely or desirable, and so want them to like me. And when they don't (because, I think like me, they are often thrown together into situations of necessity or convenience rather than choice), I become disappointed or morose about the whole thing.
Is it the bottom? I don't think so, but we're digging down.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Lake Isle of Inisfree
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
- W.B. Yeats
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
- W.B. Yeats
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Taking Care of Old Business
Today I filled out the submission for my manuscript for the Writer's Edge. They will do a brief editorial check and, if acceptable, it will get sent out to a list of 75 publishers for their consideration.
While obviously I'd like some to happen, I'm just happy that I am finally doing it. This is something that I have worked on for 6 years - and I'm coming to believe that you can't move on until you finish up the business that you have already undertaken.
What happens if nothing happens? I have The Christian Writer's Guide, so I suppose that I can start submitting to publishers that didn't get the listing. Or look at publishing myself. Or, I suppose, even publish on the site.
The important thing is that this is a goal accomplished. On to the next work!
While obviously I'd like some to happen, I'm just happy that I am finally doing it. This is something that I have worked on for 6 years - and I'm coming to believe that you can't move on until you finish up the business that you have already undertaken.
What happens if nothing happens? I have The Christian Writer's Guide, so I suppose that I can start submitting to publishers that didn't get the listing. Or look at publishing myself. Or, I suppose, even publish on the site.
The important thing is that this is a goal accomplished. On to the next work!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sleep and Aloneness
I made a couple of interesting discoveries today concerning fighting with depression and tiredness:
1) Not surprisingly, the importance of sleep. I have been not sleeping well for over a month. I took a bit of a nap this afternoon, and was sufficiently energized enough to complete the day.
2) Aloneness: The Ravishing Mrs. TB granted me a lack of children this evening, as I was not hungry for dinner. I did pretty mundane things: washed cars, mowed, started cutting out old lavender blooms. The interesting thing was that the longer I did them, the better I felt, more ready to come in to reface my life.
I don't think I have been made so conscious about the value of aloneness in my life (similar, I might add, to the value of just thinking in my life). In reconsidering, I have never been more surrounded by people via work, commuting, and home than in most times in my life, yet never more denied time apart from them. I've always believed I enjoyed periods of solitude; I just did not realize how much I need them.
1) Not surprisingly, the importance of sleep. I have been not sleeping well for over a month. I took a bit of a nap this afternoon, and was sufficiently energized enough to complete the day.
2) Aloneness: The Ravishing Mrs. TB granted me a lack of children this evening, as I was not hungry for dinner. I did pretty mundane things: washed cars, mowed, started cutting out old lavender blooms. The interesting thing was that the longer I did them, the better I felt, more ready to come in to reface my life.
I don't think I have been made so conscious about the value of aloneness in my life (similar, I might add, to the value of just thinking in my life). In reconsidering, I have never been more surrounded by people via work, commuting, and home than in most times in my life, yet never more denied time apart from them. I've always believed I enjoyed periods of solitude; I just did not realize how much I need them.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
On Beans
Last night we planted soybeans and garbanzo beans. They're some of the easiest for An Clann to plant, because it's just a matter of how, rake, and then poke holes with the hoe handle for them to drop them into.
I always worry that I bury my seeds to deeply. The instructions say an inch, and I think I get an inch, but sometimes it seems a bit deeper. If they are too deep, they will exhaust their little selves trying to poke up through the dirt.
But is not that true of life and dreams as well - that we secrete them in ourselves so deeply, either hiding them from others, hiding them from ourselves, or "protecting" them from the harsh realities of life that they never make it through the soil into the sunlight?
For the beans, we'll know within a week. For myself, I think I have some hoeing and raking to do first.
I always worry that I bury my seeds to deeply. The instructions say an inch, and I think I get an inch, but sometimes it seems a bit deeper. If they are too deep, they will exhaust their little selves trying to poke up through the dirt.
But is not that true of life and dreams as well - that we secrete them in ourselves so deeply, either hiding them from others, hiding them from ourselves, or "protecting" them from the harsh realities of life that they never make it through the soil into the sunlight?
For the beans, we'll know within a week. For myself, I think I have some hoeing and raking to do first.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Seeking God.
As part of today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest:
"Seek if you have not found. 'You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss...' (James 4:3). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God. '...seek, and you will find...' Get to work - narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ..seek, [focus], and you will find...'"
This is interesting to me, as this is in some ways a complete reversal of both the general move of the self-help/me movement as well as some of the items that I heard this last weekend. "The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God."
The line that caught my attention this morning as I read it was "If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment." This is at the heart of what I heard this weekend, let alone many of the books I have read: that we need to move boldly in the direction of our dreams, and "life" will open up the possibilities.
Which gets back to an earlier thought I had concerning the nature of goals that glorify God: what determines what we will move boldly in the direction of? If self-fulfillment is not the goal, but seeking God is, how do I effectively seek God while having to make my way in life, perhaps even pursuing dreams and goals?
"Seek if you have not found. 'You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss...' (James 4:3). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God. '...seek, and you will find...' Get to work - narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ..seek, [focus], and you will find...'"
This is interesting to me, as this is in some ways a complete reversal of both the general move of the self-help/me movement as well as some of the items that I heard this last weekend. "The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God."
The line that caught my attention this morning as I read it was "If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment." This is at the heart of what I heard this weekend, let alone many of the books I have read: that we need to move boldly in the direction of our dreams, and "life" will open up the possibilities.
Which gets back to an earlier thought I had concerning the nature of goals that glorify God: what determines what we will move boldly in the direction of? If self-fulfillment is not the goal, but seeking God is, how do I effectively seek God while having to make my way in life, perhaps even pursuing dreams and goals?
Sunday, June 08, 2008
A Thought
A brief thought as we prepare to head back to Day Two of our getaway: If an individual or a small group of individuals with enthusiasm is far more able to accomplish anything (change the world), why do we spend so much time trying to influence the large institutions instead of encouraging and empowering individuals and linking up?
A second thought: Those with enthusiasm will, in the end, be more successful than those without it.
A second thought: Those with enthusiasm will, in the end, be more successful than those without it.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Up and Out
An early posting this morning - The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are off to my birthday present, a weekend seminar from motivational speaker Marcia Wieder. The Ravishing Mrs. TB saw her speak at a conference in Las Vegas and very much enjoyed her. She got her book, which she passed on to me to read. I also enjoyed it - not that she said anything specifically different from others that I have read, but the she did have a couple of good practical ideas for moving forward on your dreams and goals.
Which is what I need. I'm getting hopelessly stuck in a rut - and part of my recent battle with my own flesh and imaginings is, I trow, simply the boredom that comes from not feeling like I'm making any progress in any other part of life.
If we work towards goals, we've far too little time to waste on sin.
P.S. Pray for Otis. He got dealt a left hook at work this week, and is fighting hard to get things back on track. Go Otis!
Which is what I need. I'm getting hopelessly stuck in a rut - and part of my recent battle with my own flesh and imaginings is, I trow, simply the boredom that comes from not feeling like I'm making any progress in any other part of life.
If we work towards goals, we've far too little time to waste on sin.
P.S. Pray for Otis. He got dealt a left hook at work this week, and is fighting hard to get things back on track. Go Otis!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Garden Goings
The last of the wheat was pulled out last night. I was still having smaller heads coming up, but I've reached the point that I need the space for something else, so out it came. That only leaves a stand of rye, which seems to ripen even later than wheat - it will probably be the end of June before it is ready.
It's amazing how much cleaner and more organized the garden looks now that the grain is pulled out. The ground is turned over, ready to grow and empty - except for some surprise potatoes popping up from plantings I had done 1-2 years ago, which is a pleasant surprise. It's a form of tabula rasa - the empty slate, ready to be written on - or planted, as the case may be.
What's already planted? Onions (three kinds), garlic, lentils, the potatoes, two tomato plants, three pepper plants, okra, two brussel sprouts, Aztec Blue corn, and two kinds of meat beans: Hidatsa Shield and Anasazi Bush Beans.
Still to plant? More garlic (can't have enough garlic), more onions, soybeans, garbanzo beans, two different kinds of tomatoes, zucchini, radishes, maybe some carrots, maybe some more corn.
It's amazing how much cleaner and more organized the garden looks now that the grain is pulled out. The ground is turned over, ready to grow and empty - except for some surprise potatoes popping up from plantings I had done 1-2 years ago, which is a pleasant surprise. It's a form of tabula rasa - the empty slate, ready to be written on - or planted, as the case may be.
What's already planted? Onions (three kinds), garlic, lentils, the potatoes, two tomato plants, three pepper plants, okra, two brussel sprouts, Aztec Blue corn, and two kinds of meat beans: Hidatsa Shield and Anasazi Bush Beans.
Still to plant? More garlic (can't have enough garlic), more onions, soybeans, garbanzo beans, two different kinds of tomatoes, zucchini, radishes, maybe some carrots, maybe some more corn.
Question for the Day
How does one keep one's focus on one's goals when surrounded by the things that one must do?
Imagination
I sit here at night, eyes burning, nose running;
I should be in bed.
But even in my state, my mind runs away from me,
going back to the old watering holes,
to places it should not be going.
I sometimes ask my:
"Is this a test from God?"
If it is, I must be doing poorly, because I fail
again and again.
If only the fire of my love for God
could burn as hot as the fire of my lust,
or come so easily to mind.
I should be in bed.
But even in my state, my mind runs away from me,
going back to the old watering holes,
to places it should not be going.
I sometimes ask my:
"Is this a test from God?"
If it is, I must be doing poorly, because I fail
again and again.
If only the fire of my love for God
could burn as hot as the fire of my lust,
or come so easily to mind.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Sin is in - again?
Last night, I found myself terrible convicted after our Faith group - which is a bit remarkable to me, since I'm the one that leads it. The problem is, I'm not sure what it is over.
I sat down and made a list of the "garden variety" sins that I can usually pick out pretty quickly, but nothing that jumped right out at me.
Maybe it was the book we are starting: Malachi. A fine book, which I think has plenty to say to the Western Christian church of today about outer obedience versus inner compliance, and ways that we dishonor and disrespect God. Man's sinful nature is, if nothing else, terribly predictable and unchanging.
One thing that came to my mind as I was scrambling through Scripture last night, looking for some answer, was the concept of seeking God. Do I seek God? How does one go about this? God has a great deal to say about seeking Him, both the good and the bad, the rewards and the punishments - but do I really do it, or do I just make half-hearted attempts to go through the motions based on my understanding of God's word rather than what the word really says?
Do I have only outer obedience to the form of religion, or do I have inner compliance in my heart to the commands of God?
I sat down and made a list of the "garden variety" sins that I can usually pick out pretty quickly, but nothing that jumped right out at me.
Maybe it was the book we are starting: Malachi. A fine book, which I think has plenty to say to the Western Christian church of today about outer obedience versus inner compliance, and ways that we dishonor and disrespect God. Man's sinful nature is, if nothing else, terribly predictable and unchanging.
One thing that came to my mind as I was scrambling through Scripture last night, looking for some answer, was the concept of seeking God. Do I seek God? How does one go about this? God has a great deal to say about seeking Him, both the good and the bad, the rewards and the punishments - but do I really do it, or do I just make half-hearted attempts to go through the motions based on my understanding of God's word rather than what the word really says?
Do I have only outer obedience to the form of religion, or do I have inner compliance in my heart to the commands of God?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)