Over the last two weeks, I have being acquainting/reacquainting myself with new friends and old. The new (courtesy of Otis): Mark Driscoll, Senior Pastor of Mars Hill (Vintage Jesus, Death by Love) and Matt Batterson, Lead Pastor of National Community Church (Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity); the old: Francis Schaeffer (Francis Schaeffer: An Authentic Life, He is There and He is Not Silent). It's not the first time I've read Schaeffer, but it is the first time for the others.
The other two - and at least one other author I've read, Joshua Harris (Stop Dating the Church) are, I would argue, indicative of a movement in Christianity: young (late twenties-mid thirties) pastors starting non-denominational missionary churches, culturally seeking young people in the twenties and thirties who have been "turned off" by traditional mainline denominations, seeking to reinvigorate Christianity. I think there is an argument to made that they are the logical extension of Schaeffer, who believed that the church needed to be involved in the culture around it - and influenced.
Based on what I know these gentlemen through secondhand knowledge and biographies, they are successful in attracting the demographic and have (I think -don't know if anyone has studied this) largely pioneered the use of "campus" locations, where the preaching pastor is broadcast to all locations allowing multiple members to benefit from their teaching.
My question - and this is a question not just for these gentlemen, but for all Christianity (especially in the United States) is: Are you effective?
Christian Effectiveness. There's an oxymoron. "We're Christian. We're dealing in spiritual matters. How can you suggest that we 'measure' how we're doing? It's a work of God, after all. It's not a mechanical thing."
That's true. Matters of God never can be precisely placed into categories or units. At the same time, a great deal of time an energy can be spent on a project, only to discover in the end that the project failed to have any impact or do what it was supposed to. One reason: There were no metrics in place to verify how the project was doing.
Let me be clear: I have enjoyed what I have read of this men. They appear to be orthodox, passionately in love with God, and have a heart for people. In the case of Driscoll and Batterson, they lead large groups of people in some of the most Christ-less cities in the nation.
But are they creating effective Christians?
What is an effective Christian? I ask this question in the context of a nation that more and more is pulling away from God rather than towards it. In the Old Testament, a revival in the Jewish faith and service to God is always followed by a societal impact. Time and time again in the Books of Kings and Chronicles, you see where the King of Israel (David, Solomon) and the Kings of Judah (Asa, Jehoshaphat, Joash & Uzziah [at least the first part of their lives], Hezekiah and Josiah) turn their hearts and their hearts of their people towards the Lord. Inevitably, pagan idols are thrown down and wicked practices are halted.
Can the same be said of us today?
Fine. If you want to measure effectivity, you need a metric. What is the Christian metric?
That is a good question - one I'm not sure I have a full grasp on. I have some initial thoughts though:
Matthew 28: 19-20 - The Great Commission:
a) Make disciples of all nations (What's a disciple? How do we make one?)
b) Baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit (What
is baptism? What does it represent? How do we do it in the way that Christ intended?)
c) Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you (What things did Christ
command? What does "observe them" mean?)
Matthew 22: 34-40 (also Mark 12: 28-34) - The Greatest Commandment
a) You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your
mind/strength (What does it mean to love God with all of these?)
b) You shall love your neighbor as yourself? (Who is my neighbor? How do I love myself?
How should I love them?)
Acts 2: 40-47 - Growth of the Church, especially verse 42
"They continued steadfastly in"
a) The apostles' doctrine (What was the doctrine of the apostles?)
b) Fellowship (How is fellowship used here? What does it mean?)
c) The breaking of bread (How do we do communion? How should we do it?)
d) In prayers (How did they pray? What did they pray? How do we do these two things?)
e) How do we "continue steadfastly in these things?
This is an incomplete list to be sure and I've no idea how we would objectively measure or apply these metrics. I suspect that the book of Acts - as the history of the early church - would give us the greatest guidance in what the early church considered an "effective witness of Christ".
But we have to start somewhere. More is not always better, and the Bible clearly teaches that a change in people's hearts is reflected primarily in their lives and secondarily in their culture. To the degree that nothing has changed in ourselves or in our culture, I submit that the church has lost its effectiveness -its qualities of salt and light, and therefore its witness.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Surprise!
This morning it suddenly became time for my periodic blog backup (periodic in the sense that I've only done it once before). It's an unsophisticated process - copying the webpage by month, watching the cursor scroll down to the bottom, then transferring it to a Word document and pasting it. Rinse and repeat.
Out of a sense of curiosity as I did this, I decided to calculate the word count. It's a rough guess of course, and I had to create a calculation to deduct those items that I don't author but blogspot pastes in. Still, I was curious as to the amount of words.
Estmate as of 11 June 2010: 503,130 words.
Surprise!
I say surprise because this actually stuns me. I have convinced myself that I may be able to write small things, but I could never write something as long as a book. Too many words, don't you know.
The reality of this morning is yes, I could. The roadblock I have to get around is that it's not all written at one time, but one word at a time, day by day.
It's not in the parts, but in the whole that we see the sum of our efforts.
Out of a sense of curiosity as I did this, I decided to calculate the word count. It's a rough guess of course, and I had to create a calculation to deduct those items that I don't author but blogspot pastes in. Still, I was curious as to the amount of words.
Estmate as of 11 June 2010: 503,130 words.
Surprise!
I say surprise because this actually stuns me. I have convinced myself that I may be able to write small things, but I could never write something as long as a book. Too many words, don't you know.
The reality of this morning is yes, I could. The roadblock I have to get around is that it's not all written at one time, but one word at a time, day by day.
It's not in the parts, but in the whole that we see the sum of our efforts.
Friday, June 11, 2010
People Who Fight People
I find myself in a constant struggle between how I should act with people and how I do act with people.
I am no different than so many other people: I tend to like and react well to those who like me, and tend to dislike and not react well to those who dislike me. Further, I often find myself in conversations about those with whom I have difficult relations - the "banding together against a common foe."
But in the big picture is that good? Is that Christlike?
There often seems to be a fine line between disagreement and dislike, especially in the employment environment. I can - and often do - disagree profoundly with managers and coworkers, yet it often does not achieve the level of a personal affront or indignity. We get up, we go on our way, and we do our jobs without rancor or distrust.
But other times it results in precisely all of those things: we disagree profoundly, we are affronted, and we leave in rancor or with anger - often not about the situation itself, but about how it was handled.
So what's a Christian to do?
How does one pursue the common calling all Christians while grappling with the extingencies of personal relations on a day to day basis?
The key - perhaps - is grace.
Grace realizes that God has dealt generously with me even though I did not deserve it. Grace realizes that most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are broken and sinful, even as I am broken and sinful. Grace realizes that a host of factors - youth, age, experience, inexperience - contribute to how individuals see others and the world around them. And grace realizes that what's important is not the here and now, not the one upsmanship of daily life, but rather than coming of eternity and where these people we laugh with, laugh at, argue with, amuse, and become angry at are going to be without Christ.
I am far from a master at this, but realization is the first step in dealing with a problem. I need to look through the problems created to see the individuals underneath.
I am no different than so many other people: I tend to like and react well to those who like me, and tend to dislike and not react well to those who dislike me. Further, I often find myself in conversations about those with whom I have difficult relations - the "banding together against a common foe."
But in the big picture is that good? Is that Christlike?
There often seems to be a fine line between disagreement and dislike, especially in the employment environment. I can - and often do - disagree profoundly with managers and coworkers, yet it often does not achieve the level of a personal affront or indignity. We get up, we go on our way, and we do our jobs without rancor or distrust.
But other times it results in precisely all of those things: we disagree profoundly, we are affronted, and we leave in rancor or with anger - often not about the situation itself, but about how it was handled.
So what's a Christian to do?
How does one pursue the common calling all Christians while grappling with the extingencies of personal relations on a day to day basis?
The key - perhaps - is grace.
Grace realizes that God has dealt generously with me even though I did not deserve it. Grace realizes that most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are broken and sinful, even as I am broken and sinful. Grace realizes that a host of factors - youth, age, experience, inexperience - contribute to how individuals see others and the world around them. And grace realizes that what's important is not the here and now, not the one upsmanship of daily life, but rather than coming of eternity and where these people we laugh with, laugh at, argue with, amuse, and become angry at are going to be without Christ.
I am far from a master at this, but realization is the first step in dealing with a problem. I need to look through the problems created to see the individuals underneath.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Flying Home
Venus blazes white
as a ribbon of azure
sits above dark clouds.
Strands of gray cotton
block out the lights of living:
Descending to earth.
as a ribbon of azure
sits above dark clouds.
Strands of gray cotton
block out the lights of living:
Descending to earth.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Priorities
"Courage rather than analysis dictates the truly important rules for identifying priorities:
- Pick the future as against the past;
- Focus on opportunity rather than on problem;
- Choose your own direction - rather than climb on the bandwagon;
- Aim high, aim for something that will make a difference, rather than for something that is "safe" and easy to do."
- Peter Drucker, The Effective Executive (p. 111)
How do we identify priorities in our lives? How do we identify what we will spend our time on?
At least for myself, too often I let my priorities be dictated by either 1) the circumstances around me; and 2) other people. And this is not just true in my work environment - it's true in every aspect of my life.
If I look at the list that Drucker has above, I find that I fall down in all aspects:
1) I tend to focus on the past in the sense that I tend to accrete additional priorities instead of making a list and then discarding ones that are no longer relevant or important. In that sense, I am a "pack rat" of priorities instead of pruning out ones that are no longer relevant.
2) I tend to focus on problems - what can't be done - rather than opportunities - what can be done.
3) I have tended to often jump on the projects and priorities of others rather than choosing my own priorities. The Firm is one example of this: if I truly examine things in the light of honesty, what I find is that a large part of my wanting to do it was the "fear" that I would be left behind in a success rather than being truly convinced that this was the way I should go in my life. Uisdean Ruadh has often commented to me in the regard that I have more often chosen the roads of others than the road of myself.
4) I am often trapped between my desire to want to make a difference and contribution against the reality that I need to be "practical". The two often seem at odds with each other: that which can make a difference is often different from the "safe" path of life.
The good news is, one can change one's priorities.
I find myself at an interesting crossroads of my life: in a place in which we are removed from family yet we like, in a job that is not outstanding but can be borne and improved, in many ways at the point of "restarting" large portions of our spiritual, financial, and personal lives.
What a great time to re-examine my priorities - and take action.
- Pick the future as against the past;
- Focus on opportunity rather than on problem;
- Choose your own direction - rather than climb on the bandwagon;
- Aim high, aim for something that will make a difference, rather than for something that is "safe" and easy to do."
- Peter Drucker, The Effective Executive (p. 111)
How do we identify priorities in our lives? How do we identify what we will spend our time on?
At least for myself, too often I let my priorities be dictated by either 1) the circumstances around me; and 2) other people. And this is not just true in my work environment - it's true in every aspect of my life.
If I look at the list that Drucker has above, I find that I fall down in all aspects:
1) I tend to focus on the past in the sense that I tend to accrete additional priorities instead of making a list and then discarding ones that are no longer relevant or important. In that sense, I am a "pack rat" of priorities instead of pruning out ones that are no longer relevant.
2) I tend to focus on problems - what can't be done - rather than opportunities - what can be done.
3) I have tended to often jump on the projects and priorities of others rather than choosing my own priorities. The Firm is one example of this: if I truly examine things in the light of honesty, what I find is that a large part of my wanting to do it was the "fear" that I would be left behind in a success rather than being truly convinced that this was the way I should go in my life. Uisdean Ruadh has often commented to me in the regard that I have more often chosen the roads of others than the road of myself.
4) I am often trapped between my desire to want to make a difference and contribution against the reality that I need to be "practical". The two often seem at odds with each other: that which can make a difference is often different from the "safe" path of life.
The good news is, one can change one's priorities.
I find myself at an interesting crossroads of my life: in a place in which we are removed from family yet we like, in a job that is not outstanding but can be borne and improved, in many ways at the point of "restarting" large portions of our spiritual, financial, and personal lives.
What a great time to re-examine my priorities - and take action.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Atypical
Today is an atypical morning.
Due to travel arrangements, I did not get up at my usual time of 4:45 AM. I did not begin my rituals of praying, making coffee, reading until 5:30 AM and eating breakfast, nor at 5:30 AM did I feed the rabbits. I didn't get on the computer at 5:40 AM and blog or scan the news, get in the shower at 6:15 AM and leave the house by 6:35 AM.
An atypical morning.
The whole thing is somewhat revealing in its atypicalness - it is amazing how just doing the same things in a slightly different order or at a slightly different time seems to completely upset my state of mind. Instead of traveling in the typical paths, it's as if the mind is off on it's own erratic course: starting out straight then crashing into one curve in the road followed by careening into the other side, all accompanied by fireworks and "The 1812 Overture".
But in atypicality (is that even a word) lies the seeds of brilliance.
A rut, it has been said, is a grave with both ends kicked out. Scheduling is great - in fact, I could use more of it in my work life where I am constantly torn hither and yon by individuals and needs which are not directly my own. At the same time, there's a subtle change - so subtle I wonder if one is conscious of it - that changes a schedule to the way we've always done it, then to a rut, then to a collapse into a heap if one thing is out of order. Only the occasional (or not so occasional) atypical moment stops us in our tracks, makes us halt and look around us - and in that looking, to see possibilities and ideas and the wildflowers on the side of the road that we would never see.
So here I'll sit, drinking coffee long after I would be typically gone from home, looking for that insight and those wildflowers on the side of the road.
Due to travel arrangements, I did not get up at my usual time of 4:45 AM. I did not begin my rituals of praying, making coffee, reading until 5:30 AM and eating breakfast, nor at 5:30 AM did I feed the rabbits. I didn't get on the computer at 5:40 AM and blog or scan the news, get in the shower at 6:15 AM and leave the house by 6:35 AM.
An atypical morning.
The whole thing is somewhat revealing in its atypicalness - it is amazing how just doing the same things in a slightly different order or at a slightly different time seems to completely upset my state of mind. Instead of traveling in the typical paths, it's as if the mind is off on it's own erratic course: starting out straight then crashing into one curve in the road followed by careening into the other side, all accompanied by fireworks and "The 1812 Overture".
But in atypicality (is that even a word) lies the seeds of brilliance.
A rut, it has been said, is a grave with both ends kicked out. Scheduling is great - in fact, I could use more of it in my work life where I am constantly torn hither and yon by individuals and needs which are not directly my own. At the same time, there's a subtle change - so subtle I wonder if one is conscious of it - that changes a schedule to the way we've always done it, then to a rut, then to a collapse into a heap if one thing is out of order. Only the occasional (or not so occasional) atypical moment stops us in our tracks, makes us halt and look around us - and in that looking, to see possibilities and ideas and the wildflowers on the side of the road that we would never see.
So here I'll sit, drinking coffee long after I would be typically gone from home, looking for that insight and those wildflowers on the side of the road.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Sanctified
"And for their sake I sanctify Myself, that they may also be sanctified by the truth." - John 17:19
This verse leapt out at me this morning as I did my morning New Testament reading - again, one of those verses that has been there the whole time, but never spoke to me before.
Sanctification - the process of being set aside and progressively being made more holy - is one which permeates both the Old and New Testament. It is what God seeks of His children, a process in which we participate but do not originate or complete, and enables us to become even brighter lights in a dark world.
So the sanctification aspect did not catch my eye.
What did catch my eye was the statement "For their sakes I sanctify Myself."
I am constantly reminded - indeed overwhelmed - by all that Christ has done for me. But here's another thing - sanctifying Himself, making Himself holy right before his arrest and crucifixion. And why? "That they also may be sanctified by the truth" -as John MacArthur says, "He was totally set apart for the Father's will. he did that in order that believers might be set apart to God by the truth He brought."
Truth. Christ died that we might be set apart by the truth He brought, setting us apart by the death He came to suffer for those who could not save themselves. To mull this over, to realize the implications of a perfect God surrendering His Son to die for the likes of us, should once again overwhelm us with grace and a true sense of unworthiness.
He died to sanctify you.
What have you done for Him today?
This verse leapt out at me this morning as I did my morning New Testament reading - again, one of those verses that has been there the whole time, but never spoke to me before.
Sanctification - the process of being set aside and progressively being made more holy - is one which permeates both the Old and New Testament. It is what God seeks of His children, a process in which we participate but do not originate or complete, and enables us to become even brighter lights in a dark world.
So the sanctification aspect did not catch my eye.
What did catch my eye was the statement "For their sakes I sanctify Myself."
I am constantly reminded - indeed overwhelmed - by all that Christ has done for me. But here's another thing - sanctifying Himself, making Himself holy right before his arrest and crucifixion. And why? "That they also may be sanctified by the truth" -as John MacArthur says, "He was totally set apart for the Father's will. he did that in order that believers might be set apart to God by the truth He brought."
Truth. Christ died that we might be set apart by the truth He brought, setting us apart by the death He came to suffer for those who could not save themselves. To mull this over, to realize the implications of a perfect God surrendering His Son to die for the likes of us, should once again overwhelm us with grace and a true sense of unworthiness.
He died to sanctify you.
What have you done for Him today?
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Friday, June 04, 2010
Managing
In midst of a downhill avalanche of paperwork commonly known as "tasks" at work yesterday, I happened to look at the business card that I keep by my phone to remind of me of my phone number, I happened to catch my title: "Manager".
What, I thought, is a manager? One who manages of course. So what is managing?
Per Webster: "To exercise executive, administrative and supervisory direction of."
Funny I thought, since that doesn't really seem to be what I do.
I am trapped in the role of "working manager", a role that I believe has become more common in the current economic situation. Essentially this is the practice of giving a title of authority while expecting one to function as one being managed as well. It's not just setting goals and directing the overall pace or movement of a department, it's doing the ordinary yet important work of the department as well.
It makes it difficult when pronouncements come down from time to time about "this needs to be done" or "Why haven't you accomplished this - you're X department." In my heart of hearts I want to scream "How can I manage anything when I to busy trying to ensure that things get done?"
It buttressed in my mind my comment yesterday about managing myself because I make the same errors. Managing, at some level, requires an idea of where we are going (that's leadership ) in order to regulate how we get there. No leadership: we tend to follow the path of least resistance. No management: progress towards the goal is lost because no-one is directing how we get there (this paragraph is largely based on Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; I direct you there for a more full discussion).
So what does this mean on a day to day level? I'm not sure - except I have come to the realization that what is happening now is not working and if I want to move on to the next stage of anything, something has to change.
What, I thought, is a manager? One who manages of course. So what is managing?
Per Webster: "To exercise executive, administrative and supervisory direction of."
Funny I thought, since that doesn't really seem to be what I do.
I am trapped in the role of "working manager", a role that I believe has become more common in the current economic situation. Essentially this is the practice of giving a title of authority while expecting one to function as one being managed as well. It's not just setting goals and directing the overall pace or movement of a department, it's doing the ordinary yet important work of the department as well.
It makes it difficult when pronouncements come down from time to time about "this needs to be done" or "Why haven't you accomplished this - you're X department." In my heart of hearts I want to scream "How can I manage anything when I to busy trying to ensure that things get done?"
It buttressed in my mind my comment yesterday about managing myself because I make the same errors. Managing, at some level, requires an idea of where we are going (that's leadership ) in order to regulate how we get there. No leadership: we tend to follow the path of least resistance. No management: progress towards the goal is lost because no-one is directing how we get there (this paragraph is largely based on Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; I direct you there for a more full discussion).
So what does this mean on a day to day level? I'm not sure - except I have come to the realization that what is happening now is not working and if I want to move on to the next stage of anything, something has to change.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Change Your (L)Attitude
"Whether you think you can succeed or think you can fail, you're right." - Henry Ford
Fear Mor had his "Eat with Senior Management" lunch yesterday - one of those items in which senior management has lunch with employees after they've been at the company for a certain amount of time in order to get a sense of what employees are thinking. Being who he is, Fear Mor popped off the question of what the future of the company was, where we were going. What he was met with was silence, followed by stumbling and groping for answer - generalities without any specifics.
Not a confidence builder in any sense of the word.
But important - an important reminder that for any of us as individuals, we cannot (in the end) rely on any other humans to do what we need to do. The question is fair of leadership of any organization - what's our purpose, where are we headed - but the question is equally fair of myself as well - what's my purpose, where am I headed.
It requires a fundamental rethinking of how we view our own lives - a change of attitude, if you will, about the responsibility each of us shares for our own lives. In other words, the responsibility for where I am, and where I am going, is in the end my own.
This is a hard thing for many (including myself) to accept as responsibility is often associated with the power to execute. "I can't do anything about that" one may whine "because I am only a lowly employee/student/person and don't have the power to influence the direction or purpose of my company/school/relationship".
In many cases I'd actually agree with that sentiment - we don't the power to change the place where we are or many of the conditions under which we live or work. But we do have the power to change both our attitude (in the fact that we are responsible for where we're going) and our latitude (where we work, go to school, with whom we have relationships).
I'm not saying it is easy, nor am I saying that changing our attitude or our latitude can happen overnight. But neither is it an accurate and fair statement to say that we cannot change them at all.
Both our attitude and our latitude are either controlled by ourselves or others. In one case we act as free individuals, in the other we act as slaves.
What's your (l)attitude this morning?
Fear Mor had his "Eat with Senior Management" lunch yesterday - one of those items in which senior management has lunch with employees after they've been at the company for a certain amount of time in order to get a sense of what employees are thinking. Being who he is, Fear Mor popped off the question of what the future of the company was, where we were going. What he was met with was silence, followed by stumbling and groping for answer - generalities without any specifics.
Not a confidence builder in any sense of the word.
But important - an important reminder that for any of us as individuals, we cannot (in the end) rely on any other humans to do what we need to do. The question is fair of leadership of any organization - what's our purpose, where are we headed - but the question is equally fair of myself as well - what's my purpose, where am I headed.
It requires a fundamental rethinking of how we view our own lives - a change of attitude, if you will, about the responsibility each of us shares for our own lives. In other words, the responsibility for where I am, and where I am going, is in the end my own.
This is a hard thing for many (including myself) to accept as responsibility is often associated with the power to execute. "I can't do anything about that" one may whine "because I am only a lowly employee/student/person and don't have the power to influence the direction or purpose of my company/school/relationship".
In many cases I'd actually agree with that sentiment - we don't the power to change the place where we are or many of the conditions under which we live or work. But we do have the power to change both our attitude (in the fact that we are responsible for where we're going) and our latitude (where we work, go to school, with whom we have relationships).
I'm not saying it is easy, nor am I saying that changing our attitude or our latitude can happen overnight. But neither is it an accurate and fair statement to say that we cannot change them at all.
Both our attitude and our latitude are either controlled by ourselves or others. In one case we act as free individuals, in the other we act as slaves.
What's your (l)attitude this morning?
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Two Paths
I was confronted this morning as I walked with the specter of two career paths - two paths of which I have not had to choose from for some time.
On one path is the journey of the comfortable, of that which I know today, of working with individuals I enjoy in an environment I know. The chances of achievement are low, in fact probably nil, and the growth that will occur there is minimal, but it is comfortable and known and I like it.
On the other path is the journey of the uncomfortable, of leaving that which is known (and let's be honest - to some extent which I have created), of moving into an environment which will probably be more challenging - but where the chances of achievement are much higher and the growth potential much greater.
I feel that I am facing, in a small way, the initial conceptual challenge that those who move on always feel: do I stay here where I am comfortable, or do I grow? I suppose it's the same concept that moved Lincoln from Illinois or any actor or actress from their hometown to their first theater.
And it's not even a geographical move per se - it's an intellectual move which agrees with and embraces the concept that growth is more important than comfort, and achievement is more important than coasting.
On one path is the journey of the comfortable, of that which I know today, of working with individuals I enjoy in an environment I know. The chances of achievement are low, in fact probably nil, and the growth that will occur there is minimal, but it is comfortable and known and I like it.
On the other path is the journey of the uncomfortable, of leaving that which is known (and let's be honest - to some extent which I have created), of moving into an environment which will probably be more challenging - but where the chances of achievement are much higher and the growth potential much greater.
I feel that I am facing, in a small way, the initial conceptual challenge that those who move on always feel: do I stay here where I am comfortable, or do I grow? I suppose it's the same concept that moved Lincoln from Illinois or any actor or actress from their hometown to their first theater.
And it's not even a geographical move per se - it's an intellectual move which agrees with and embraces the concept that growth is more important than comfort, and achievement is more important than coasting.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Taking It To The Next Level
This whole question of goals, motivation and purpose has been gnawing at my brain all weekend. A lot of it, I gather, is really due to that fabulous video that was in my last post. Some it, I suppose as well, is due to the fact that in two days I will have reached my one year mark at New Job and New Home, thereby meeting all my contractual obligations and setting the stage for investigating new things with a clean conscience if I so desire.
But I suppose that the wretched Otis is also to blame - in working through concepts for a new blog, he commented "So you're ready to take your writing up to the next level?" I had to correct him a bit - the new blog is professionally related and will not be connected with this essentially on-line journal - but his words stuck with me.
Taking it to the next level.
I'm confronted by this at work as well, as I continue to begin to come into contact with those younger than I who have exceeded my position and my education. I look at where I am and what I do and them and their situation, and realize that there is a level of comfort I have allowed to enter my job which is preventing me from moving forward.
Again, taking it to the next level.
How much of our life becomes rote, a rut (also described as "a grave with two ends kicked out), because we become willing to believe that comfort is our end goal, not striving to better ourselves - not just (or even only) in the material sense, but in the personal and spiritual sense as well? If I fail to challenge myself to higher achievement, it follows that I will fail to lift those around me up to that higher level as well.
It's June - almost mid-year, and a fabulous time to reexamine those goals set at the beginning of the year (for a fabulous article by Jeffrey Gitomer about goals, go here). With half the year left, will I take it up to the next level - or wonder why I am still where I am?
But I suppose that the wretched Otis is also to blame - in working through concepts for a new blog, he commented "So you're ready to take your writing up to the next level?" I had to correct him a bit - the new blog is professionally related and will not be connected with this essentially on-line journal - but his words stuck with me.
Taking it to the next level.
I'm confronted by this at work as well, as I continue to begin to come into contact with those younger than I who have exceeded my position and my education. I look at where I am and what I do and them and their situation, and realize that there is a level of comfort I have allowed to enter my job which is preventing me from moving forward.
Again, taking it to the next level.
How much of our life becomes rote, a rut (also described as "a grave with two ends kicked out), because we become willing to believe that comfort is our end goal, not striving to better ourselves - not just (or even only) in the material sense, but in the personal and spiritual sense as well? If I fail to challenge myself to higher achievement, it follows that I will fail to lift those around me up to that higher level as well.
It's June - almost mid-year, and a fabulous time to reexamine those goals set at the beginning of the year (for a fabulous article by Jeffrey Gitomer about goals, go here). With half the year left, will I take it up to the next level - or wonder why I am still where I am?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Motivation, Mastery and Purpose
I was introduced Wednesday night to a wonderful online video lecture about companies, motivation, and success. It is apparently part of a largely lecture, but the video has been set to a cartoonist illustrating it as the lecture goes, so it's a pleasure to watch as well as to to listen to. It's about 10 minutes, but it is well worth your time to contemplate what motivates people in their careers - and in their personal lives, as well. It's a great video to contemplate as we go into the weekend.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Computer Glitch - Please Stand By
Computer problems this morning have cornered me into a short post, so today it will a be a series of questions:
1) What were 3 of your goals last year?
2) Did you achieve them?
3) Why or why not?
4) What are 3 of your goals this year?
5) At approximately 50% of the year, are you on your way to achieving them?
6) Why or why not?
7) At approximately 50% of the year, do your goals still correspond to where you want to go?
8) If not, why not?
9) If you're not happy with where you are on your goals, what will you commit to do about it today?
1) What were 3 of your goals last year?
2) Did you achieve them?
3) Why or why not?
4) What are 3 of your goals this year?
5) At approximately 50% of the year, are you on your way to achieving them?
6) Why or why not?
7) At approximately 50% of the year, do your goals still correspond to where you want to go?
8) If not, why not?
9) If you're not happy with where you are on your goals, what will you commit to do about it today?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Discouraged
I am just utterly discouraged this morning, the sort of discouragement that stems from the realization that in a large segment of my life, my role is that of window dressing, rather than actually accomplishing anything.
It is a horrible realization, the sensation that suddenly comes when you realize that your knowledge and opinions are valued only to the extent that they can provide the appearance of doing something right, rather than actually doing something right. The policies that you were brought in to put in place, the things that you constantly preach, the examples that you demonstrate - all of these are nothing except a tick mark on the box of things that need to be in place.
You are suddenly confronted with the realization -with any soft lighting or pastel tones - that the things you hoped to instill are actually viewed as nothing more than bolt on, something that can be put in place or removed at the whim of someone else.
And yet, the day faces you and the minutes tick by and you prepare to go do this thing yet again.
It's a sort of Alice In Wonderland experience, this being in place for something that can apparently be turned off at will - and your job is smile, nod benignly, and say "That's okay. It'll all be fine."
It is a horrible realization, the sensation that suddenly comes when you realize that your knowledge and opinions are valued only to the extent that they can provide the appearance of doing something right, rather than actually doing something right. The policies that you were brought in to put in place, the things that you constantly preach, the examples that you demonstrate - all of these are nothing except a tick mark on the box of things that need to be in place.
You are suddenly confronted with the realization -with any soft lighting or pastel tones - that the things you hoped to instill are actually viewed as nothing more than bolt on, something that can be put in place or removed at the whim of someone else.
And yet, the day faces you and the minutes tick by and you prepare to go do this thing yet again.
It's a sort of Alice In Wonderland experience, this being in place for something that can apparently be turned off at will - and your job is smile, nod benignly, and say "That's okay. It'll all be fine."
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A Nagging Feeling
I had the nagging feeling that God wanted to teach me something last night.
I am starting to be confronted by the reality that my contractual obligations are reaching their end here in New Home and I am about to (once again) begin to have options. I've been torn, as on the one hand we continue to enjoy New Home but not my current job, while the thought of where we came from always stays in mind - but to once again uproot everyone to move precipitiously strikes me as the height of foolishness.
So last night, home and exhausted, I suddenly had the feeling that God wanted to - needed to - teach me something last night. If you've ever had that feeling I suspect that you know what it is: a sense that you need to stop doing what your doing and focus on God, a sense that the feeling is so wispy that that if you choose to ignore it you could, even as it a powerful sense of "You should do this now" in your chest.
And for once, I obeyed. Oh not as quickly as I probably should have - I can always come up with something else to do - but I finally did.
This is the part where I'd love to say that some great revelation occurred. I'd love to - except it didn't happen. Yes, I read God's word and a bit of a devotional. Yes, I tried to pray (almost ended up falling asleep!). Yes, I searched (apparently in vain) for an answer to the questions that are vexing me. But nothing (due much more to the listener than the teacher, no doubt).
But maybe that wasn't the point.
Perhaps the point was simply a question of obedience - like I was writing about yesterday, the question of self-will versus self-control: when presented with a sense of God, what was I going to do? Would I, as I so often have, act with self-will and mute the volume and go about my day? Or would I stop what I was doing, exercise self control and listen?
If nothing else, there is a sense that God is there, watching and listening - if only I will pay attention to Him when He calls.
I am starting to be confronted by the reality that my contractual obligations are reaching their end here in New Home and I am about to (once again) begin to have options. I've been torn, as on the one hand we continue to enjoy New Home but not my current job, while the thought of where we came from always stays in mind - but to once again uproot everyone to move precipitiously strikes me as the height of foolishness.
So last night, home and exhausted, I suddenly had the feeling that God wanted to - needed to - teach me something last night. If you've ever had that feeling I suspect that you know what it is: a sense that you need to stop doing what your doing and focus on God, a sense that the feeling is so wispy that that if you choose to ignore it you could, even as it a powerful sense of "You should do this now" in your chest.
And for once, I obeyed. Oh not as quickly as I probably should have - I can always come up with something else to do - but I finally did.
This is the part where I'd love to say that some great revelation occurred. I'd love to - except it didn't happen. Yes, I read God's word and a bit of a devotional. Yes, I tried to pray (almost ended up falling asleep!). Yes, I searched (apparently in vain) for an answer to the questions that are vexing me. But nothing (due much more to the listener than the teacher, no doubt).
But maybe that wasn't the point.
Perhaps the point was simply a question of obedience - like I was writing about yesterday, the question of self-will versus self-control: when presented with a sense of God, what was I going to do? Would I, as I so often have, act with self-will and mute the volume and go about my day? Or would I stop what I was doing, exercise self control and listen?
If nothing else, there is a sense that God is there, watching and listening - if only I will pay attention to Him when He calls.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Self Will versus Self Control
As an exercise (and something that I should be doing anyway), I have been working to memorize Titus 1. As I was working through the qualifications of a bishop (vv. 6-9), I was struck by a contrast.
In verse 7, Paul is listing the the negative qualities of an elder, things that he should not be: not self willed, not quick tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money. In verse 8, he lists the positive qualities: hospitable, a lover of good, sober minded, just, holy, self controlled.
As I have continued to roll these verses over in my mind, a contrast began to develop: self willed verses self controlled.
Both of these qualities deal directly with self, not a quality of self as the others are. Both of them deal directly with actions taken by the self. Both of them involve the management of self. Yet one is listed as as undesirable (self will) and one as a virtue (self control).
What is the difference?
Self willed is, pretty simply, running my own life. Whatever my wants or desires are, that's what I do. My thoughts, plans and actions are based around what is good for me - in some cases what is good for me at the moment.
Self control is, interestingly enough, also similar to self willed. It involves thoughts, plans and actions -but they are held accountable to something higher than my need for the moment. Whether it is something simple, like denying myself a dessert to manage my weight or something more involved like avoiding something entirely which is legitimate for others because I tend to sin with it, it involves the placement of all parts of me at the service of a higher purpose - instead of merely serving myself.
Interestingly, the world has adopted both as positives. Self will has become redefined as being true to myself, living my dreams, making goals and achieving them. Self control exists as well, but has been stripped of its higher purpose - to be self controlled for God - and has been reduced to self control for the purpose of serving my self will.
So as I go about my business this morning, am I being self willed - concerned only about my own existence and goals? Or self controlled in pursuit of a higher calling?
In verse 7, Paul is listing the the negative qualities of an elder, things that he should not be: not self willed, not quick tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money. In verse 8, he lists the positive qualities: hospitable, a lover of good, sober minded, just, holy, self controlled.
As I have continued to roll these verses over in my mind, a contrast began to develop: self willed verses self controlled.
Both of these qualities deal directly with self, not a quality of self as the others are. Both of them deal directly with actions taken by the self. Both of them involve the management of self. Yet one is listed as as undesirable (self will) and one as a virtue (self control).
What is the difference?
Self willed is, pretty simply, running my own life. Whatever my wants or desires are, that's what I do. My thoughts, plans and actions are based around what is good for me - in some cases what is good for me at the moment.
Self control is, interestingly enough, also similar to self willed. It involves thoughts, plans and actions -but they are held accountable to something higher than my need for the moment. Whether it is something simple, like denying myself a dessert to manage my weight or something more involved like avoiding something entirely which is legitimate for others because I tend to sin with it, it involves the placement of all parts of me at the service of a higher purpose - instead of merely serving myself.
Interestingly, the world has adopted both as positives. Self will has become redefined as being true to myself, living my dreams, making goals and achieving them. Self control exists as well, but has been stripped of its higher purpose - to be self controlled for God - and has been reduced to self control for the purpose of serving my self will.
So as I go about my business this morning, am I being self willed - concerned only about my own existence and goals? Or self controlled in pursuit of a higher calling?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Intention and Action
"There is no way of knowing how far intention and action can take you. This world offers not guarantees, only opportunities and vicissitudes. When you reach for the stars you may not get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either." -Michael Michalko, Thinkertoys
Intention and action. Two necessary sides of the same coin.
Without intention, I spend my days wandering in and out of tasks that may or may not have meaning, if I even do those those tasks themselves. Without action, I spend my days dreaming and plotting but never actually doing.
But without intention, there is usually no action. At least in the things that matter, I have to intend to do something before I will actually do it.
So which do I struggle with more? I'd typically say action, as most people probably would. I'm not doing nearly enough on a day to day basis towards ideas and goals beyond the basic efforts of existence.
But if I stop and think about it, I'm forced to confess that a lack of intention is probably my greater weakness.
For years I've maintained that people find the time to do what is important to them. Even in the press of a busy life, there are always those things which are so important to us as individuals that we will manage to eck out time - often sacrificing meals or sleep - to do them.
I could say that I have many intentions, things I'd like to do or want do - but how many of these am I serious about, and how many of them are things I like to dream about but will never do.
A powerful intention will always lead to action. If there is no action, I have to question the claim of the intention behind it.
So what do I intend - not just dream about, but intend. "Well begun is half done" was a saying of Augustus Caesar. If the initiation of beginning is the intention to do, how well begun am I?
Intention and action. Two necessary sides of the same coin.
Without intention, I spend my days wandering in and out of tasks that may or may not have meaning, if I even do those those tasks themselves. Without action, I spend my days dreaming and plotting but never actually doing.
But without intention, there is usually no action. At least in the things that matter, I have to intend to do something before I will actually do it.
So which do I struggle with more? I'd typically say action, as most people probably would. I'm not doing nearly enough on a day to day basis towards ideas and goals beyond the basic efforts of existence.
But if I stop and think about it, I'm forced to confess that a lack of intention is probably my greater weakness.
For years I've maintained that people find the time to do what is important to them. Even in the press of a busy life, there are always those things which are so important to us as individuals that we will manage to eck out time - often sacrificing meals or sleep - to do them.
I could say that I have many intentions, things I'd like to do or want do - but how many of these am I serious about, and how many of them are things I like to dream about but will never do.
A powerful intention will always lead to action. If there is no action, I have to question the claim of the intention behind it.
So what do I intend - not just dream about, but intend. "Well begun is half done" was a saying of Augustus Caesar. If the initiation of beginning is the intention to do, how well begun am I?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A Visit With Fear
"I never take counsel of my fears." - General George Patton
I am a fear counselee. Good Lord, I'm so much a fear counselee that I have a permanent appointment and couch in Fear's office.
As I plopped down on that couch yesterday evening for my daily appointment, Fear looked up from his desk. "Give me a minute" he said. "I've got a few things to take care of here - loss of jobs and potential failures of various things to sign off on."
"No problem" I sighed, settling into the raised pattern of cushions I knew so well as he continued to quietly type away while humming under his breath, until at last he smiled at the screen and hit the "Enter" key with a triumphant hand.
"My apologies for that" he purred as he turned to face me fully. "What can I help you with today?"
"I've got a problem" I replied uncomfortably, not really sure how to begin. "I...I.."
"Go ahead" replied Fear soothingly, his eyes almost seeming to glow at the opportunity. "What is it? Don't -if I may make a pun - be afraid?"
I sighed, mustering my courage. "I'm not having as much fear as I used to. This worries me."
Whatever smooth smile that was on Fear's face was instantly wiped away, replaced by an attitude of concern. "This sounds serious" he said. "Let's discuss this. Surely you're missing something."
I shook my head. "I don't know that I am. I'm just not having as much fear as I used to. It's like I'm trying to deal with my problems instead of hiding from them or allowing them to be bigger in my mind than they are."
Fear shook his head. "That's not it at all. Sounds to me like you're just not seeing things realistically enough. Look at you: Far away from home and family, in a job you're not really in control of, slowly digging your way out financially, in a world of unsettling times - and your relationship with God: is He there, does He care? Let's not start, shall we?" He grabbed for his every present notepad and said "Where shall we begin?"
I shook my head again. "No, I'm pretty certain on this. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. Some, sure, but I'm working on that too."
I thought for a minute in the resulting silence, as the second hand marched across the clock and Fear sat in his desk facing me, fidgeting with his pen. "You know" I said, breaking the silence, "in fact I think I'm better. I'm canceling my appointment for tomorrow."
"But-"
"No no old chap" I said more confidently as I stood up, brushing my pants off, "I can't bother you anymore. I see now that I've got to deal with them, rather than talking about them. It's okay - don't bother to get up. I can see my way to the door."
The last thing I saw before I left the room was Fear sitting in his desk, his eyes staring off into space - looking, of all things, afraid.
I am a fear counselee. Good Lord, I'm so much a fear counselee that I have a permanent appointment and couch in Fear's office.
As I plopped down on that couch yesterday evening for my daily appointment, Fear looked up from his desk. "Give me a minute" he said. "I've got a few things to take care of here - loss of jobs and potential failures of various things to sign off on."
"No problem" I sighed, settling into the raised pattern of cushions I knew so well as he continued to quietly type away while humming under his breath, until at last he smiled at the screen and hit the "Enter" key with a triumphant hand.
"My apologies for that" he purred as he turned to face me fully. "What can I help you with today?"
"I've got a problem" I replied uncomfortably, not really sure how to begin. "I...I.."
"Go ahead" replied Fear soothingly, his eyes almost seeming to glow at the opportunity. "What is it? Don't -if I may make a pun - be afraid?"
I sighed, mustering my courage. "I'm not having as much fear as I used to. This worries me."
Whatever smooth smile that was on Fear's face was instantly wiped away, replaced by an attitude of concern. "This sounds serious" he said. "Let's discuss this. Surely you're missing something."
I shook my head. "I don't know that I am. I'm just not having as much fear as I used to. It's like I'm trying to deal with my problems instead of hiding from them or allowing them to be bigger in my mind than they are."
Fear shook his head. "That's not it at all. Sounds to me like you're just not seeing things realistically enough. Look at you: Far away from home and family, in a job you're not really in control of, slowly digging your way out financially, in a world of unsettling times - and your relationship with God: is He there, does He care? Let's not start, shall we?" He grabbed for his every present notepad and said "Where shall we begin?"
I shook my head again. "No, I'm pretty certain on this. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. Some, sure, but I'm working on that too."
I thought for a minute in the resulting silence, as the second hand marched across the clock and Fear sat in his desk facing me, fidgeting with his pen. "You know" I said, breaking the silence, "in fact I think I'm better. I'm canceling my appointment for tomorrow."
"But-"
"No no old chap" I said more confidently as I stood up, brushing my pants off, "I can't bother you anymore. I see now that I've got to deal with them, rather than talking about them. It's okay - don't bother to get up. I can see my way to the door."
The last thing I saw before I left the room was Fear sitting in his desk, his eyes staring off into space - looking, of all things, afraid.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Working with What We Have
What if this was as good as things got?
The thought occurred to me yesterday as I was going about the conduct of one aspect of my job, thinking about ways to resolve systemic failure issues. I realized that one of my underlying assumptions is that at some point, new resources would become available to expand the systems in place. Suddenly I realized that this was an assumption that I was making - that I had, in fact, always been making: that things are inevitably always on a path up.
But what if they are not? What if this was truly as good as things got?
What if this was job were the only job I have for the rest of my life (I assume and strive for others)? What if the house we rent became our only house (I assume and strive that we will buy one day)? What if my time, talents, and treasures never grow more than they do today, and the resulting time and effort I have for my family never expands beyond what it is?
Does any of this (truly) change my relationship with God or my effectiveness for Him?
The truth is, I (and perhaps many others) have believed that our path in life is on an arc upward, always improving and moving forward, and perhaps in some benevolently sinister way we have come to believe that this is both an indicator of God's pleasure as well as that things will constantly get better for us personally. The reality is, we tend to confuse these circumstances of life with it's reality.
The reality is, as Phil Vischer says quoting Henry Blackaby, that he who has God plus everything does not have more than he who has God alone.
Which is why I need to take a fresh look at things, not towards some day of change or improvement which may never come but in the light of the concept that what is now is what may always be. Given that, and given that those circumstances are no indicator of what I have or do not have through God, what am I doing to live out His will in my daily life - not with what I would like to have or hope to have, but with what I do?
The thought occurred to me yesterday as I was going about the conduct of one aspect of my job, thinking about ways to resolve systemic failure issues. I realized that one of my underlying assumptions is that at some point, new resources would become available to expand the systems in place. Suddenly I realized that this was an assumption that I was making - that I had, in fact, always been making: that things are inevitably always on a path up.
But what if they are not? What if this was truly as good as things got?
What if this was job were the only job I have for the rest of my life (I assume and strive for others)? What if the house we rent became our only house (I assume and strive that we will buy one day)? What if my time, talents, and treasures never grow more than they do today, and the resulting time and effort I have for my family never expands beyond what it is?
Does any of this (truly) change my relationship with God or my effectiveness for Him?
The truth is, I (and perhaps many others) have believed that our path in life is on an arc upward, always improving and moving forward, and perhaps in some benevolently sinister way we have come to believe that this is both an indicator of God's pleasure as well as that things will constantly get better for us personally. The reality is, we tend to confuse these circumstances of life with it's reality.
The reality is, as Phil Vischer says quoting Henry Blackaby, that he who has God plus everything does not have more than he who has God alone.
Which is why I need to take a fresh look at things, not towards some day of change or improvement which may never come but in the light of the concept that what is now is what may always be. Given that, and given that those circumstances are no indicator of what I have or do not have through God, what am I doing to live out His will in my daily life - not with what I would like to have or hope to have, but with what I do?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Rain and Troubles
We suffered a serious weather condition last night.
I'm used to rain in Old Home: long periods of gray with steady rain, sometimes heavy, sometimes tapering off, but always in an orderly fashion with a known and observable pattern of clouds approaching.
Last night in New Home, we had our first true downpour of the year.
It was awe inspiring. The entire day was clear and hot until about 6:00, when a series of clouds came swooping in: large thunderheads raising their heads high into the evening sky. By 6:30 the rains came.
And came. One minute nothing, the next minute a torrent of rain that obscured the outside from the windows and sent water cascading down the parking lots. It continued, increasing and decreasing in intensity, for over an hour accompanied by thunderous booms and flashes of lightening in the twilight sky.
Within an hour and a half it was gone. As I drove on my street, all I could see was the semi-clearing sky, the wet ground, and curls of steam coming off of the pavement.
The point? I've come to expect problems in my life, both spiritual and otherwise, to be like the rainstorms I'm used to: easy to spot, a known pattern, long but predictable periods of rain in prescribed volumes, and then moving away. What I am finding now - at least in my own spiritual life - is that these troubles do not only come in that fashion: they also come out of a sky that seems largely clear for long periods of time, suddenly pouring down in huge volumes with visible and audible demonstrations - and then vanishing. It's not that they're worse - they're just more intense for shorter periods of time. Something to bear in mind during this point of spiritual dryness.
A lesson on spiritual drought through a downpour: what an odd thing.
I'm used to rain in Old Home: long periods of gray with steady rain, sometimes heavy, sometimes tapering off, but always in an orderly fashion with a known and observable pattern of clouds approaching.
Last night in New Home, we had our first true downpour of the year.
It was awe inspiring. The entire day was clear and hot until about 6:00, when a series of clouds came swooping in: large thunderheads raising their heads high into the evening sky. By 6:30 the rains came.
And came. One minute nothing, the next minute a torrent of rain that obscured the outside from the windows and sent water cascading down the parking lots. It continued, increasing and decreasing in intensity, for over an hour accompanied by thunderous booms and flashes of lightening in the twilight sky.
Within an hour and a half it was gone. As I drove on my street, all I could see was the semi-clearing sky, the wet ground, and curls of steam coming off of the pavement.
The point? I've come to expect problems in my life, both spiritual and otherwise, to be like the rainstorms I'm used to: easy to spot, a known pattern, long but predictable periods of rain in prescribed volumes, and then moving away. What I am finding now - at least in my own spiritual life - is that these troubles do not only come in that fashion: they also come out of a sky that seems largely clear for long periods of time, suddenly pouring down in huge volumes with visible and audible demonstrations - and then vanishing. It's not that they're worse - they're just more intense for shorter periods of time. Something to bear in mind during this point of spiritual dryness.
A lesson on spiritual drought through a downpour: what an odd thing.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Struggling
I'm feeling distant from God.
This has been a development over the last few months, perhaps even as much as the last year - which is about the time that I moved. I'm not sure what is driving it, except that I feel unenthused and unenthusiastic.
My prayer life seems - let's be honest, is - much less than it used to be and when I do pray, it feels...forced. Dead. My prayers are pedestrian, and even making those seems like a huge burden.
My time in the Word is in some ways better - I seem to be paying more attention - but even in that I am missing a sense of the communion with God through His Word.
Some Sundays it's been a huge effort to get out the door to church, which is something that is inconceivable to me a year ago. It's not that church is bad - I just get lazy and feel like it's too much effort, although it's no more distant than Old Home church was.
What is wrong with me? And more importantly, what do I do about it?
As Chuck Swindoll would say, it's as if your driving a car and see the "Check Engine" light go on. You don't take a hammer to the light and keep driving - you pull over and see what's wrong.
I can start with the easy things of course: What sin is in my life? What have I not given over to God? How am I acting at counterpurposes with His will?
But a sense of something else permeates my soul, nags at my mind like a dog worrying a toy.
About a week ago I had a dream which is probably significant. In it, I was kneeling before Christ. I've no idea the why-to's or what-for's, but there I was with Him. His question for me was "Have you served me?" "No Lord, I have not" came my response. He nodded, we both acknowledged the truth of the situation - and then like that, I was banished from His presence.
The odd thing is that I feel no less outside of His will than before - after all, the fact that we ended up in New Home at all is a sign that He acted, as this was the only opportunity that came in. The ease of finding a new home, of a new school, a new church - all these speak to me of God sovereignly acting in my life to bring us here.
But now, nothing.
"Create in me a clean heart,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence
And take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me."
- Psalm 51: 10-12
This has been a development over the last few months, perhaps even as much as the last year - which is about the time that I moved. I'm not sure what is driving it, except that I feel unenthused and unenthusiastic.
My prayer life seems - let's be honest, is - much less than it used to be and when I do pray, it feels...forced. Dead. My prayers are pedestrian, and even making those seems like a huge burden.
My time in the Word is in some ways better - I seem to be paying more attention - but even in that I am missing a sense of the communion with God through His Word.
Some Sundays it's been a huge effort to get out the door to church, which is something that is inconceivable to me a year ago. It's not that church is bad - I just get lazy and feel like it's too much effort, although it's no more distant than Old Home church was.
What is wrong with me? And more importantly, what do I do about it?
As Chuck Swindoll would say, it's as if your driving a car and see the "Check Engine" light go on. You don't take a hammer to the light and keep driving - you pull over and see what's wrong.
I can start with the easy things of course: What sin is in my life? What have I not given over to God? How am I acting at counterpurposes with His will?
But a sense of something else permeates my soul, nags at my mind like a dog worrying a toy.
About a week ago I had a dream which is probably significant. In it, I was kneeling before Christ. I've no idea the why-to's or what-for's, but there I was with Him. His question for me was "Have you served me?" "No Lord, I have not" came my response. He nodded, we both acknowledged the truth of the situation - and then like that, I was banished from His presence.
The odd thing is that I feel no less outside of His will than before - after all, the fact that we ended up in New Home at all is a sign that He acted, as this was the only opportunity that came in. The ease of finding a new home, of a new school, a new church - all these speak to me of God sovereignly acting in my life to bring us here.
But now, nothing.
"Create in me a clean heart,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence
And take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me."
- Psalm 51: 10-12
Friday, May 14, 2010
Weather
A hot, humid morning in New Home - 40% chance of rain (which here means that it will rain 40% of the time).
Weather is one of those funny things that you try and plan for when you move, but I don't know that you are ever able to really do so. I knew what the weather was supposed to be like when I came here, and mentally prepared myself for it. In very many ways it lived up to exactly what I thought it would be.
But the thing I failed to prepare for was the overarching effect weather has on all activities. Even inside, weather becomes an issue, especially in summer - do we sweat or run the A/C at 82 F, which makes it tolerable but raises the electric bill. And outside - enjoying things even in the shade with humidity is definitely different than just dealing with the heat itself.
But it's good in an least one sense: it forces me to face another excuse that I can make to myself about not doing something i.e., the weather. The reality is, the weather is always there. To continue to put something off because the weather is "different" or "just humid" is to admit that on some level, I didn't really want to do it. It's the same with everything else I do or want to do: do I immediately look for excuses, or knuckle down and move forward? It's only in the going when you don't want to or can't seem to that character is built.
So I'm off to build character. I'll just need to shower off this sheen of humidity induced sweat first...
Weather is one of those funny things that you try and plan for when you move, but I don't know that you are ever able to really do so. I knew what the weather was supposed to be like when I came here, and mentally prepared myself for it. In very many ways it lived up to exactly what I thought it would be.
But the thing I failed to prepare for was the overarching effect weather has on all activities. Even inside, weather becomes an issue, especially in summer - do we sweat or run the A/C at 82 F, which makes it tolerable but raises the electric bill. And outside - enjoying things even in the shade with humidity is definitely different than just dealing with the heat itself.
But it's good in an least one sense: it forces me to face another excuse that I can make to myself about not doing something i.e., the weather. The reality is, the weather is always there. To continue to put something off because the weather is "different" or "just humid" is to admit that on some level, I didn't really want to do it. It's the same with everything else I do or want to do: do I immediately look for excuses, or knuckle down and move forward? It's only in the going when you don't want to or can't seem to that character is built.
So I'm off to build character. I'll just need to shower off this sheen of humidity induced sweat first...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Goal Mountains
"We are built to conquer the environment, solve problems, achieve goals, and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve. People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no worthwhile goals."
- Dr. Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics
This passage spoke to me this morning as I got out bed, mulling over the sort of sad mess that was yesterday and the pile of things that are on the plate today. This made total sense to me - but at the same time, I realized that I was missing these sorts of goals.
Dr. Maltz talked about a patient who had received a promotion and suddenly lost his confidence:
"However, once he got the promotion, he ceased to think in terms of what he wanted, but in terms of what others expected of him, or whether he was living up to to the people's goals and standards. He was like a mountain climber who, as long as he looked upward at the peak he wished to scale, felt and acted courageously and boldly. But when he got to the top, he began to look down and became afraid. He was now on the defensive, defending his present position, rather than acting like a goal striver and going on the offensive to attain his goal. He regained control when he set himself new goals and began to think in terms of, 'What do I want out of this job? What do I want to achieve? Where do I want to go?'"
Maltz's solution?:
"Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Decide what you want out of a situation. Always have something ahead of you to look forward to - to work for and hope for. Look forward, not backward. Develop a 'nostalgia for the future' instead of for the past."
Among many of the things listed above (they're good quotes - go re-read them) is the phrase "always have something ahead of you to look forward to." That resonates with me because right now, I really don't have that in a temporal sense (for salvation possibly - but even looking forward to Heaven holds some of the same difficulties for me). Every day to me seems like it will be like every other. There is nothing to look forward to to suggest that tomorrow will be any different.
But that's my fault, Maltz suggests. Nothing is going to magically appear to suddenly give me something to look forward to - that's job. Yes, it may be hard to see right now, but just because it is hard to see does not make it any the less important - if it is hard to see, then I need to do everything I can to make it real.
But that pre-supposes a first thing: one needs to have a goal or goals.
- Dr. Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics
This passage spoke to me this morning as I got out bed, mulling over the sort of sad mess that was yesterday and the pile of things that are on the plate today. This made total sense to me - but at the same time, I realized that I was missing these sorts of goals.
Dr. Maltz talked about a patient who had received a promotion and suddenly lost his confidence:
"However, once he got the promotion, he ceased to think in terms of what he wanted, but in terms of what others expected of him, or whether he was living up to to the people's goals and standards. He was like a mountain climber who, as long as he looked upward at the peak he wished to scale, felt and acted courageously and boldly. But when he got to the top, he began to look down and became afraid. He was now on the defensive, defending his present position, rather than acting like a goal striver and going on the offensive to attain his goal. He regained control when he set himself new goals and began to think in terms of, 'What do I want out of this job? What do I want to achieve? Where do I want to go?'"
Maltz's solution?:
"Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Decide what you want out of a situation. Always have something ahead of you to look forward to - to work for and hope for. Look forward, not backward. Develop a 'nostalgia for the future' instead of for the past."
Among many of the things listed above (they're good quotes - go re-read them) is the phrase "always have something ahead of you to look forward to." That resonates with me because right now, I really don't have that in a temporal sense (for salvation possibly - but even looking forward to Heaven holds some of the same difficulties for me). Every day to me seems like it will be like every other. There is nothing to look forward to to suggest that tomorrow will be any different.
But that's my fault, Maltz suggests. Nothing is going to magically appear to suddenly give me something to look forward to - that's job. Yes, it may be hard to see right now, but just because it is hard to see does not make it any the less important - if it is hard to see, then I need to do everything I can to make it real.
But that pre-supposes a first thing: one needs to have a goal or goals.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Knowing a Destination
If you don't have a goal, how do you know when you arrived?
I was speaking with Fear Mor yesterday morning about some of my job musings, about the industry I'm working in, and what I am thinking about careers. As the discussion arose, I got to talking about the fact that in other companies I've worked, we tended to work on products that were trying to meet a specific and real need. That was somewhat motivating, I realized: it was a sense of doing good and working for a greater cause.
Then it hit me (these things always seem to, right on the old noggin) that I don't know that I've ever consciously thought of doing this at a company, that I have had the presence of mind to say "Hey, that's something important to me." As I thought and pondered over the subject more, I realized that my work goals heretofore has been pretty much "Money". Trust me - it's important, but not enough to carry you through a career.
It was at that point that the image which I have used before hit me: an actor starting their career. Yes, they originally start out in "B" movies or in small playhouses, but the ones that want to succeed, they don't stay there. They use that experience, train to become better, and move on.
But the other side of that coin is that they know where they are headed. I'm not sure how they do this, but at some level in their brains they have a vision of what they want to do and where they want to be. Jim Carrey, it is said, wrote out a slip of paper as a $1,000,000 check to himself, and often looked at it to remind him of his goals.
So what do I have in my mind of where I want to be? If I want to stay in this industry (and there are perfectly good reasons for doing so), what is the type of place I want to work at? What is it I want to be doing?
If I can see those, then I can see where I am and what I need to do to get to the next level.
I was speaking with Fear Mor yesterday morning about some of my job musings, about the industry I'm working in, and what I am thinking about careers. As the discussion arose, I got to talking about the fact that in other companies I've worked, we tended to work on products that were trying to meet a specific and real need. That was somewhat motivating, I realized: it was a sense of doing good and working for a greater cause.
Then it hit me (these things always seem to, right on the old noggin) that I don't know that I've ever consciously thought of doing this at a company, that I have had the presence of mind to say "Hey, that's something important to me." As I thought and pondered over the subject more, I realized that my work goals heretofore has been pretty much "Money". Trust me - it's important, but not enough to carry you through a career.
It was at that point that the image which I have used before hit me: an actor starting their career. Yes, they originally start out in "B" movies or in small playhouses, but the ones that want to succeed, they don't stay there. They use that experience, train to become better, and move on.
But the other side of that coin is that they know where they are headed. I'm not sure how they do this, but at some level in their brains they have a vision of what they want to do and where they want to be. Jim Carrey, it is said, wrote out a slip of paper as a $1,000,000 check to himself, and often looked at it to remind him of his goals.
So what do I have in my mind of where I want to be? If I want to stay in this industry (and there are perfectly good reasons for doing so), what is the type of place I want to work at? What is it I want to be doing?
If I can see those, then I can see where I am and what I need to do to get to the next level.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
What is Happiness?
What is happiness?
Yes, I know what happiness is, but do I really? It is obviously more than the absence of sadness - I can be not sad but not happy. It can have multiple causes - something that may make me happy last week may not do anything for me this week, or something which probably shouldn't make me happy does. And it cannot necessarily be forced: I can "choose" to be happy but fail to be able to implement it?
So what is happiness?
Webster's says that happiness is "A state of well being and contentment" or " a pleasurable or satisfying experience." Interesting. When I'm happy, I don't think that I define it as a "state" of anything. I just define it as being happy.
Well being and contentment? Again, that sounds like something a lot more involved than what I am looking for on a daily basis. Those I often associate with the outcome of some greater decision or feeling in life. Possibly I could think about happiness as a pleasurable or satisfying experience, but that makes it experientially based, when what I think I need is something dependent not on an experience (how many times do I have non-satisfying experiences but still seem to be "happy"?).
But is happiness what I truly need?
I need something which does in fact create a state of well being and contentment, that is a pleasurable and satisfying experience, but does not necessitate an event to create the state or make the experience - in a sense, I need happiness which is not based on an event that creates it.
Is it happiness I'm seeking, or is it joy? And if so, what is the difference?
Yes, I know what happiness is, but do I really? It is obviously more than the absence of sadness - I can be not sad but not happy. It can have multiple causes - something that may make me happy last week may not do anything for me this week, or something which probably shouldn't make me happy does. And it cannot necessarily be forced: I can "choose" to be happy but fail to be able to implement it?
So what is happiness?
Webster's says that happiness is "A state of well being and contentment" or " a pleasurable or satisfying experience." Interesting. When I'm happy, I don't think that I define it as a "state" of anything. I just define it as being happy.
Well being and contentment? Again, that sounds like something a lot more involved than what I am looking for on a daily basis. Those I often associate with the outcome of some greater decision or feeling in life. Possibly I could think about happiness as a pleasurable or satisfying experience, but that makes it experientially based, when what I think I need is something dependent not on an experience (how many times do I have non-satisfying experiences but still seem to be "happy"?).
But is happiness what I truly need?
I need something which does in fact create a state of well being and contentment, that is a pleasurable and satisfying experience, but does not necessitate an event to create the state or make the experience - in a sense, I need happiness which is not based on an event that creates it.
Is it happiness I'm seeking, or is it joy? And if so, what is the difference?
Monday, May 10, 2010
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
The Ravishing Mrs. TB asked me last night "Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?"
I stared at her in the dark (the sort of thing that creates no effect because, well, it's dark) and asked "Have I what?"
"Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up" she said again. "You need to be happier. If your job is the issue, what is it that you want to do?"
I sighed. "I suppose what I'm doing now is it. The pay is good, and the career path is not too bad. The company - yeah, the company I don't care for so much but that's people, not really the career. Besides, I can't really change right now."
"No" she replied, "but you could start doing it in small steps."
I clonked off to sleep sometime soon after that but the thought was there for me to pick up when I got up this morning. If I was to do something else, what would it be?
Interestingly enough, I had been thinking around that thought earlier in the evening. I came up with five things (in no particular order):
1) Writer
2) Farmer
3) Swordsman
4) Musician
5) Theologian
The odd thing is, all of these are currently present in one form or another in my life, just as hobbies or part of hobbies. So it's not so much a question of not doing them, it's a question of doing them more.
How would one get from here to there? That I'm not sure of. The reality is, my current career field could (over time) fund a transfer over to any one of these careers (except swordsman, I suppose - not much calling for that these days) - and with a little effort on my part, I'm willing to bet that even earning with this field could be significantly improved.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? What am I willing to do to get there?
I stared at her in the dark (the sort of thing that creates no effect because, well, it's dark) and asked "Have I what?"
"Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up" she said again. "You need to be happier. If your job is the issue, what is it that you want to do?"
I sighed. "I suppose what I'm doing now is it. The pay is good, and the career path is not too bad. The company - yeah, the company I don't care for so much but that's people, not really the career. Besides, I can't really change right now."
"No" she replied, "but you could start doing it in small steps."
I clonked off to sleep sometime soon after that but the thought was there for me to pick up when I got up this morning. If I was to do something else, what would it be?
Interestingly enough, I had been thinking around that thought earlier in the evening. I came up with five things (in no particular order):
1) Writer
2) Farmer
3) Swordsman
4) Musician
5) Theologian
The odd thing is, all of these are currently present in one form or another in my life, just as hobbies or part of hobbies. So it's not so much a question of not doing them, it's a question of doing them more.
How would one get from here to there? That I'm not sure of. The reality is, my current career field could (over time) fund a transfer over to any one of these careers (except swordsman, I suppose - not much calling for that these days) - and with a little effort on my part, I'm willing to bet that even earning with this field could be significantly improved.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? What am I willing to do to get there?
Friday, May 07, 2010
A Moment
Looking back in my life, I can see points where corners turned, where a decision - a single decision in a single moment- changed the course and outcome of my life.
The interesting thing to me is that if I look back, I can consciously see that at the time those decisions were made there was a sense of "I shouldn't be doing this" - but I went ahead and did it anyway.
I am rapidly approaching another one of those decision points in my life, not so much a major decision of direction but a choice of ethics, a choice that I am (theoretically) paid to do.
I have to be careful. I have this tendency to overdramatize these things, making every event the equivalent of The Charge of Light Brigade. None the less, this time I think it qualifies.
A single decision in a single moment.
As with any question of ethics, is it worth the outcome of the decision? Is it worth the inevitable nagging and haggling, the "You're too conservative" and "You don't really understand" and (my most favorite) "You must obey"?
What is my honor and my ethics worth? A paycheck? Or something more?
The interesting thing to me is that if I look back, I can consciously see that at the time those decisions were made there was a sense of "I shouldn't be doing this" - but I went ahead and did it anyway.
I am rapidly approaching another one of those decision points in my life, not so much a major decision of direction but a choice of ethics, a choice that I am (theoretically) paid to do.
I have to be careful. I have this tendency to overdramatize these things, making every event the equivalent of The Charge of Light Brigade. None the less, this time I think it qualifies.
A single decision in a single moment.
As with any question of ethics, is it worth the outcome of the decision? Is it worth the inevitable nagging and haggling, the "You're too conservative" and "You don't really understand" and (my most favorite) "You must obey"?
What is my honor and my ethics worth? A paycheck? Or something more?
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Two Different Places and Rambling
I heard from one of my old bosses this morning, who has finally (after over a year) secured a position in Seattle.
It's always nice to hear from old co-workers, especially when they've secured new employment. You of course ask a bit about the new company, are they moving and selling/renting their house, how things are going in general, etc. - and then follow up with a short update of your own. You make the generic comments about "Hope to see you again" - although in this case, I actually do go to Seattle from time to time and have a chance of running into him again.
Contrast this with a random thought yesterday: on a whim, I went to look up someone I knew while doing business at The Firm. Turns out she has done well for herself; so well, in fact, that she has moved to the next level of licensing and could potentially go out on her own if she so desires. She has done very well for herself since she entered the industry 8 years ago.
I bring these two up in juxtapose as I consider my own career path 20 years later. I've changed careers 4 times and moved around a great deal, but I continue to hold the title and responsibility I hold the same as I have for 8 years. Have I truly advanced in this field? Have I truly moved forward? Or do I just do the same thing at different places? Could that be part of my dissatisfaction?
The reality is that for what I do now, there is no real end game. The only path is up, with decreasing positions and similar responsibilities. Is that what I want? Is the fact that more of the same is not that attractive driving me to this contradiction of seeking that which I subconsciously don't want to seek?
It's always nice to hear from old co-workers, especially when they've secured new employment. You of course ask a bit about the new company, are they moving and selling/renting their house, how things are going in general, etc. - and then follow up with a short update of your own. You make the generic comments about "Hope to see you again" - although in this case, I actually do go to Seattle from time to time and have a chance of running into him again.
Contrast this with a random thought yesterday: on a whim, I went to look up someone I knew while doing business at The Firm. Turns out she has done well for herself; so well, in fact, that she has moved to the next level of licensing and could potentially go out on her own if she so desires. She has done very well for herself since she entered the industry 8 years ago.
I bring these two up in juxtapose as I consider my own career path 20 years later. I've changed careers 4 times and moved around a great deal, but I continue to hold the title and responsibility I hold the same as I have for 8 years. Have I truly advanced in this field? Have I truly moved forward? Or do I just do the same thing at different places? Could that be part of my dissatisfaction?
The reality is that for what I do now, there is no real end game. The only path is up, with decreasing positions and similar responsibilities. Is that what I want? Is the fact that more of the same is not that attractive driving me to this contradiction of seeking that which I subconsciously don't want to seek?
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
One Thing At A Time
I made a mighty effort yesterday to focus at work.
I typically do not have the luxury of choosing my days or how to spend them: as the primary opinion leader for the bulk of many decisions by mid and lower level employees, I am regularly visited by them for opinions, signatures or reviews. I don't mind this function, both for the fact that it keeps me in contact with the daily flow of events and thoughts as well as having people ask before they execute (and we then have to discuss how to solve bigger problems). However, the consequence of this is the ability to focus singlemindedly on a task is often nil.
But yesterday I did it to a large extent. I chose one area of my job and tried to work to get everything involving that area under control.
I made great progress - although I still have as much as a second days' worth of work to do. But oddly enough, I did not feel accomplished when I left for the evening.
Not accomplished? How can that be? You said that you made an effort to accomplish things around one task and you did.
True enough. But what I realized as I focused in this one area were the 10 other areas that were not getting focused on and things not getting accomplished while I worked in this one area. It was if one part of the garden were properly hoed and prepared while every other section was weedy and continuing to sprout even as I said "Job well done" and went back into the house.
I'm honestly not entirely sure what this shows, other than 1) the power of focus and 2) the reality a system which may very well be out of control. I suppose it also goes to show that doing too much with not enough will in the end create a system in which much time is spent careening from problem to problem instead of managing towards a fully functioning system.
But the other thing this experience indicates to me is that the concept of accomplishing something is in itself not necessarily indicative of a thing or a system (or even a life) that is truly healthy. Not merely accomplishment, but accomplishment in balance is the key. Accomplishing anything is not in and of itself indicative of a success; it is only when the whole is viewed that the success of the accomplishment can be measured.
I typically do not have the luxury of choosing my days or how to spend them: as the primary opinion leader for the bulk of many decisions by mid and lower level employees, I am regularly visited by them for opinions, signatures or reviews. I don't mind this function, both for the fact that it keeps me in contact with the daily flow of events and thoughts as well as having people ask before they execute (and we then have to discuss how to solve bigger problems). However, the consequence of this is the ability to focus singlemindedly on a task is often nil.
But yesterday I did it to a large extent. I chose one area of my job and tried to work to get everything involving that area under control.
I made great progress - although I still have as much as a second days' worth of work to do. But oddly enough, I did not feel accomplished when I left for the evening.
Not accomplished? How can that be? You said that you made an effort to accomplish things around one task and you did.
True enough. But what I realized as I focused in this one area were the 10 other areas that were not getting focused on and things not getting accomplished while I worked in this one area. It was if one part of the garden were properly hoed and prepared while every other section was weedy and continuing to sprout even as I said "Job well done" and went back into the house.
I'm honestly not entirely sure what this shows, other than 1) the power of focus and 2) the reality a system which may very well be out of control. I suppose it also goes to show that doing too much with not enough will in the end create a system in which much time is spent careening from problem to problem instead of managing towards a fully functioning system.
But the other thing this experience indicates to me is that the concept of accomplishing something is in itself not necessarily indicative of a thing or a system (or even a life) that is truly healthy. Not merely accomplishment, but accomplishment in balance is the key. Accomplishing anything is not in and of itself indicative of a success; it is only when the whole is viewed that the success of the accomplishment can be measured.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Torn
I am struggling with my heart torn in two.
On the one hand, my heart continues to be at The Ranch. Speaking with my parents this weekend, they related how the unusually wet winter has lead to the meadows being green with grass, the streams running high, geese wandering around the meadow, the bees are doing well, and the garden that my father has put in is moving along. I would love to be able to go there this weekend, look at the bees, see the meadows, and plan my inevitable "big plans" for what can be done up there.
On the other hand, what seems to best for my family at this time is for us to stay in New Home. Na Clann have a wonderful school, I have a good paying job and we are able to contemplate rebuilding our financial lives. For so many practical reasons, this seems like the place to be right now.
So how do I merge my heart and my necessity? How do I keep from constantly not being here? It seems that most things that I truly want to do are there, not here. Do I surrender those dreams and (at least in my own mind) settle for here, or do I continue to hope and dream perhaps ending in tilting at windmills?
On the one hand, my heart continues to be at The Ranch. Speaking with my parents this weekend, they related how the unusually wet winter has lead to the meadows being green with grass, the streams running high, geese wandering around the meadow, the bees are doing well, and the garden that my father has put in is moving along. I would love to be able to go there this weekend, look at the bees, see the meadows, and plan my inevitable "big plans" for what can be done up there.
On the other hand, what seems to best for my family at this time is for us to stay in New Home. Na Clann have a wonderful school, I have a good paying job and we are able to contemplate rebuilding our financial lives. For so many practical reasons, this seems like the place to be right now.
So how do I merge my heart and my necessity? How do I keep from constantly not being here? It seems that most things that I truly want to do are there, not here. Do I surrender those dreams and (at least in my own mind) settle for here, or do I continue to hope and dream perhaps ending in tilting at windmills?
Monday, May 03, 2010
Work and Work
Yesterday I realized that I have placed a barrier in my life which does not need to be in place.
For years I have separated "work" into three categories: the work that I do to get paid (my "job"), the work that I do for which I am not paid but which needs to happen (family, home, etc.), and then the work I do which is for me (hobbies, goals). I have carefully segregated this time, ensuring that one does not carry over into the other and that my own time (especially) is focused specifically on me.
What I realized yesterday is that this creates two levels of difficulty for getting anything done: 1) There is a constant sense of having to start up and stop any one of these three areas with the resulting loss in time; and 2) I have learned to associate great amounts of effort and diligence with my job that do not carry over into the other two areas, because I have come to believe that family/home/hobbies/goals should be enjoyable, and enjoyable means by default not working like at my job, which I often do not enjoy.
If you have children you probably already have a fine subconscious understanding of this: when your children, who were two minutes before excited playing outside or using their imaginations, are turned to the task of their homework, what do they do? Do they embrace it with the same enthusiasm, or do they suddenly become unenergetic, complaining, whiny, wondering why they "have" to do this?
(I'll carefully not point the same finger at myself, although I know it to be true.)
The reality is, we are always "working", both in the sense of moving forward in performing tasks on any number of fronts as well as training ourselves to become more diligent and learning to accomplish tasks.
In this sense, "work" simply rotates between these three areas, all of which should have the same level of importance in our lives: if we excel at our job but have no personal development or hobbies, we wither as individuals; if we excel at our job but fail to make efforts at home and with our family, we have family relationships not worth emulating by our children, overgrown lawns, and cars needing maintenance; If we excel at home/family and goals but are poor at performing our jobs, our paychecks will reflect this.
If work is viewed not as tasks but as an attitude to accomplish, suddenly this barrier breaks down. I'm accomplishing different things of varying importance, but the effort has not changed; what the effort is being expended on has. I should think that this would help to bring balance to my own life, as suddenly items in all three areas are moving forward, instead of one.
And relaxation? That still remains a part of life, although even in that the same level of effort should be made (the old phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard" comes to mind).
If I truly made this kind of effort (as I will this week), what would my life look like? What would I be accomplishing that I am not right now?
For years I have separated "work" into three categories: the work that I do to get paid (my "job"), the work that I do for which I am not paid but which needs to happen (family, home, etc.), and then the work I do which is for me (hobbies, goals). I have carefully segregated this time, ensuring that one does not carry over into the other and that my own time (especially) is focused specifically on me.
What I realized yesterday is that this creates two levels of difficulty for getting anything done: 1) There is a constant sense of having to start up and stop any one of these three areas with the resulting loss in time; and 2) I have learned to associate great amounts of effort and diligence with my job that do not carry over into the other two areas, because I have come to believe that family/home/hobbies/goals should be enjoyable, and enjoyable means by default not working like at my job, which I often do not enjoy.
If you have children you probably already have a fine subconscious understanding of this: when your children, who were two minutes before excited playing outside or using their imaginations, are turned to the task of their homework, what do they do? Do they embrace it with the same enthusiasm, or do they suddenly become unenergetic, complaining, whiny, wondering why they "have" to do this?
(I'll carefully not point the same finger at myself, although I know it to be true.)
The reality is, we are always "working", both in the sense of moving forward in performing tasks on any number of fronts as well as training ourselves to become more diligent and learning to accomplish tasks.
In this sense, "work" simply rotates between these three areas, all of which should have the same level of importance in our lives: if we excel at our job but have no personal development or hobbies, we wither as individuals; if we excel at our job but fail to make efforts at home and with our family, we have family relationships not worth emulating by our children, overgrown lawns, and cars needing maintenance; If we excel at home/family and goals but are poor at performing our jobs, our paychecks will reflect this.
If work is viewed not as tasks but as an attitude to accomplish, suddenly this barrier breaks down. I'm accomplishing different things of varying importance, but the effort has not changed; what the effort is being expended on has. I should think that this would help to bring balance to my own life, as suddenly items in all three areas are moving forward, instead of one.
And relaxation? That still remains a part of life, although even in that the same level of effort should be made (the old phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard" comes to mind).
If I truly made this kind of effort (as I will this week), what would my life look like? What would I be accomplishing that I am not right now?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Stress
Stress walked into the room this morning and sat down on the couch.
I was already a bit grumpy due to the fact that I had to be up early this morning and had not gotten a great deal of sleep anyway. Fantastic, I thought: just one more fabulous way to start the morning.
"So how's it going?" Stress asked in the rising tone which indicates a person knows very well how its going as he stretched out, nearly knocking over my coffee in the process.
I grimaced as I rescued my coffee from nearly going over. "Fine, fine" I said. "To what do I owe the honor of this visit?"
Stress smiled broadly again. "Oh, nothing I suppose. You've just been spending a great deal of time with me lately in work, in not sleeping, in your personal life. I just thought that with all this time, we should probably just make a day of it."
I looked at the clock and sighed. I did not have time for this along with everything else I had to do today. "Look", I started, "today's a bit much for me and I'm really not going to have a lot of time to speak with you. Anything in particular, or just your usual 'Hey, the world is ending' routine?"
Stress smiled languidly. "I'll not be that easily deterred. You're under a lot of stress right now. You're eating up your personal life to make other parts of your life work. It's good for me, of course, because I thrive on this stuff. I actually just stopped by to tell you to keep it up."
I started to rebuke him, then stopped. He was right, of course: my entire personal life, my spiritual life, my family life, my romantic life - all of it was becoming sacrificed to the great tyranny of the urgent and stress.
"Leaving me with what?" I said out loud, forgetting anyone else was in the room with me.
Stress smiled again. "Oh, with nothing really - except me, of course."
He slowly stood back up. "Guess I'm done here" he remarked as he stretched back and forth. "Hopefully I'll see you again today. Maybe not."
And with that he was gone, leaving me to mull over my life through stress's prism as seen through a half warm cup of coffee.
I was already a bit grumpy due to the fact that I had to be up early this morning and had not gotten a great deal of sleep anyway. Fantastic, I thought: just one more fabulous way to start the morning.
"So how's it going?" Stress asked in the rising tone which indicates a person knows very well how its going as he stretched out, nearly knocking over my coffee in the process.
I grimaced as I rescued my coffee from nearly going over. "Fine, fine" I said. "To what do I owe the honor of this visit?"
Stress smiled broadly again. "Oh, nothing I suppose. You've just been spending a great deal of time with me lately in work, in not sleeping, in your personal life. I just thought that with all this time, we should probably just make a day of it."
I looked at the clock and sighed. I did not have time for this along with everything else I had to do today. "Look", I started, "today's a bit much for me and I'm really not going to have a lot of time to speak with you. Anything in particular, or just your usual 'Hey, the world is ending' routine?"
Stress smiled languidly. "I'll not be that easily deterred. You're under a lot of stress right now. You're eating up your personal life to make other parts of your life work. It's good for me, of course, because I thrive on this stuff. I actually just stopped by to tell you to keep it up."
I started to rebuke him, then stopped. He was right, of course: my entire personal life, my spiritual life, my family life, my romantic life - all of it was becoming sacrificed to the great tyranny of the urgent and stress.
"Leaving me with what?" I said out loud, forgetting anyone else was in the room with me.
Stress smiled again. "Oh, with nothing really - except me, of course."
He slowly stood back up. "Guess I'm done here" he remarked as he stretched back and forth. "Hopefully I'll see you again today. Maybe not."
And with that he was gone, leaving me to mull over my life through stress's prism as seen through a half warm cup of coffee.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thought for the Day
"Grant me, Lord, to know all that I should know, to love what I should love, to esteem what most pleases You, and to reject all that is evil in your sight. Let me not judge superficially by what I see, nor be influenced by what I hear from ignorant men, but with true judgement to discern between things spiritual and material, and to seek Your will and good pleasure at all times and above all else." - Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Self Death
"There is hardly anything in which we have such a need to die to self as in seeing and suffering things that are contrary to our wishes, especially when we are ordered to do what appears inconvenient and useless." - Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
I have been slowly reading my way through The Diary of David Brainerd, Missionary to the Indians (1718-1747). He was a contemporary of Jonathan Edwards. The diaries were edited by Edwards after Brainerd's death (likely from tuberculosis) at age 29. He dated his conversion to an event at the age of 21, so he had only 8 years of service (and life).
To read his diary is slow going, both for the denseness of the text as well as trying to actually absorb it. What emerges (at least what emerges so far) is a man who was passionately in love with God, hyper-aware of his own sinful nature, and often very depressed. Yet in spite of his sinfulness and depression and the conditions under which he labored (literally in the forest in 18th century colonial America), he stayed faithfully at his post until he literally could no longer serve.
I juxtapose this with the above quote from Thomas A Kempis because it seems to represent the other side of the same coin. I have often talked and thought about the concept of dying to self but don't know how to do it; here, A Kempis shows one of God's primary methods of doing it. By seeing and suffering things contrary to our wishes, by doing this which appear inconvenient and useless as commanded by others, A Kempis suggests that we are building up our ability to die to what we want in a practical fashion.
It's not that it sounds pleasant, nor is it from my experience. But that does give a different slant on things that occur in my day: maybe the purpose of at least some of them is not so much that I accomplish anything because of them but that I embed in my character how to die to self - so that in some greater circumstance (the extreme being Brainerd), such things will not seem so onerous or undoable but merely an extension of what I have already done.
I have been slowly reading my way through The Diary of David Brainerd, Missionary to the Indians (1718-1747). He was a contemporary of Jonathan Edwards. The diaries were edited by Edwards after Brainerd's death (likely from tuberculosis) at age 29. He dated his conversion to an event at the age of 21, so he had only 8 years of service (and life).
To read his diary is slow going, both for the denseness of the text as well as trying to actually absorb it. What emerges (at least what emerges so far) is a man who was passionately in love with God, hyper-aware of his own sinful nature, and often very depressed. Yet in spite of his sinfulness and depression and the conditions under which he labored (literally in the forest in 18th century colonial America), he stayed faithfully at his post until he literally could no longer serve.
I juxtapose this with the above quote from Thomas A Kempis because it seems to represent the other side of the same coin. I have often talked and thought about the concept of dying to self but don't know how to do it; here, A Kempis shows one of God's primary methods of doing it. By seeing and suffering things contrary to our wishes, by doing this which appear inconvenient and useless as commanded by others, A Kempis suggests that we are building up our ability to die to what we want in a practical fashion.
It's not that it sounds pleasant, nor is it from my experience. But that does give a different slant on things that occur in my day: maybe the purpose of at least some of them is not so much that I accomplish anything because of them but that I embed in my character how to die to self - so that in some greater circumstance (the extreme being Brainerd), such things will not seem so onerous or undoable but merely an extension of what I have already done.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday
Happy Birthday.
This is one of the oddest birthdays I can think of - for no other reason that more than any year previous, it simply feels neither festive nor like a birthday.
(Yes, I'm aware it's 0545 and things seldom seem festive then).
Maybe it's related to the fact that my life has been overwhelming both in terms of sheer volume of things to be done and my relative lack of enjoyment of most of it. Maybe it's due to fact that I'm grappling with the fact that everything I wanted to do seems out of touch and out of reach now and there's nothing to really fill the vacuum. Maybe it's because every day is becoming more and more a repeat of the one that went on before, so that one is not so much living life as marking time.
Maybe it's because Tuesday's are the least festive of all days of the week to have a birthday on.
I'm not sure, and possibly there is no good reason. What I do know is that of many of the birthdays I can remember, this one seems the least fraught with the expansiveness of possibilities of another year.
This is one of the oddest birthdays I can think of - for no other reason that more than any year previous, it simply feels neither festive nor like a birthday.
(Yes, I'm aware it's 0545 and things seldom seem festive then).
Maybe it's related to the fact that my life has been overwhelming both in terms of sheer volume of things to be done and my relative lack of enjoyment of most of it. Maybe it's due to fact that I'm grappling with the fact that everything I wanted to do seems out of touch and out of reach now and there's nothing to really fill the vacuum. Maybe it's because every day is becoming more and more a repeat of the one that went on before, so that one is not so much living life as marking time.
Maybe it's because Tuesday's are the least festive of all days of the week to have a birthday on.
I'm not sure, and possibly there is no good reason. What I do know is that of many of the birthdays I can remember, this one seems the least fraught with the expansiveness of possibilities of another year.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Decisions
I made a decision yesterday.
It was not a truly significant one: after months of having to borrow a mower, I decided to go out and buy one.
The decision was made as I stood at our neighbor's door, knocking to borrow the mower (again). I suddenly made the decision that I wasn't going to borrow anyone's mower anymore. And back to the house I went to go out and buy one.
It felt good, making that decision. And then it hit me: my life is a series of not making decisions.
When asked, I defer. When pressed, I demur. In all cases, I tend to not make decisions rather than make them, even in such non-threatening things as lunch.
Where does this extreme reluctance to make decisions come from? Admittedly I've never been a great decision maker, but this has reached the point of insanity.
On one hand I'd say it was The Firm. That was a decision that I made - and the repercussions of it still continue to echo through my life. If anyone desired a case study of "Decision gone bad", that is it.
The other one is my fear of not doing what God wants me to do. This is an even longer running saga between what I perceived was my calling in my youth (Ministry) and where that led me, which was anywhere but. I have always feared that by choosing something, I would choose the thing that I was not supposed to do. What this tends to breed over time is not just a looking to God for direction (which is good) but a slavish reliance on signs - any kind of sign - whether a decision is the correct one or not. One starts looking for flights of birds or the slant of sunlight or even the voice in the night. Again, taking too far this leads to constantly waiting on others to indicate action.
So how does one overcome this - because it felt so yesterday to make a decision, so empowering and visceral and in-control? The secret, it seems, is simply to do it: no, not necessarily go off and make a life altering decision based on minor circumstances, but just start getting into the habit of making a decision when a decision is called for.
If one makes decision after decision, who knows where it will lead?
It was not a truly significant one: after months of having to borrow a mower, I decided to go out and buy one.
The decision was made as I stood at our neighbor's door, knocking to borrow the mower (again). I suddenly made the decision that I wasn't going to borrow anyone's mower anymore. And back to the house I went to go out and buy one.
It felt good, making that decision. And then it hit me: my life is a series of not making decisions.
When asked, I defer. When pressed, I demur. In all cases, I tend to not make decisions rather than make them, even in such non-threatening things as lunch.
Where does this extreme reluctance to make decisions come from? Admittedly I've never been a great decision maker, but this has reached the point of insanity.
On one hand I'd say it was The Firm. That was a decision that I made - and the repercussions of it still continue to echo through my life. If anyone desired a case study of "Decision gone bad", that is it.
The other one is my fear of not doing what God wants me to do. This is an even longer running saga between what I perceived was my calling in my youth (Ministry) and where that led me, which was anywhere but. I have always feared that by choosing something, I would choose the thing that I was not supposed to do. What this tends to breed over time is not just a looking to God for direction (which is good) but a slavish reliance on signs - any kind of sign - whether a decision is the correct one or not. One starts looking for flights of birds or the slant of sunlight or even the voice in the night. Again, taking too far this leads to constantly waiting on others to indicate action.
So how does one overcome this - because it felt so yesterday to make a decision, so empowering and visceral and in-control? The secret, it seems, is simply to do it: no, not necessarily go off and make a life altering decision based on minor circumstances, but just start getting into the habit of making a decision when a decision is called for.
If one makes decision after decision, who knows where it will lead?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Where Have All The Dreams Gone?
The ever supportive Otis and I were having an e-mail conversation this week about the earlier posting (here) involving Himself. Otis' point was that he was in for the long haul, not only to be there but to help achieve the dreams I had.
The whole comment about dreams got me to thinking and pondering - mostly to the extent that I suddenly realized that I don't think I have any anymore.
"What?" you may say in shock. "You? The great dreamer, the great imaginer of many different things? No dreams? How can this be? Is it the result of your apparent mid-life crisis?"
I don't really know - I just know that at Otis' prompting I suddenly turned around and looked and the horde of dreams that used to follow me around were completely gone, leaving a desolate mental wasteland to my mind's eye.
Why have the gone? A couple reasons, I would submit. One, of course, was that many of the dreams I had were just that: dreams, imaginings that could (and would) never come true.
A second reason - not that 's any better - is that the choices that I have made have ruled some of them out. As we choose a career, a marriage, and children, we simply have less original choices available, and many of those dreams become unattainable as we work within the consequences of those choices.
The third reason - and the one that is most bothersome - is that I have simply seem to have given up. Those dreams that I have tried for generally failed. As a result of my choices, I have responsibilities which must be fulfilled. Dreams become subsumed by responsibilities and choices, until one's day, one's week and one's life becomes a long list of things that must be done and expectations that must be met. Any hope one had of changing that seems to grow more and more distant every day, leaving only the dull ache of duty in it's place.
How does one come about new dreams? I'm not sure I would even know where to start. As a child, one acquires them as a result of what one wants; now, it is all hedged with the starting knowledge what one actually has to do in life - which immediately comes up every time a dream is proposed: "Yes, but..." and "That would be nice, but here's what I have to do..."
Have to. Must. Responsibility. Duty. Dream killers all.
So here is my question: What is the catalyst to reawaken the dreamer and dreams? How does live change from an adventure to be lived instead of a duty to be endured?
The whole comment about dreams got me to thinking and pondering - mostly to the extent that I suddenly realized that I don't think I have any anymore.
"What?" you may say in shock. "You? The great dreamer, the great imaginer of many different things? No dreams? How can this be? Is it the result of your apparent mid-life crisis?"
I don't really know - I just know that at Otis' prompting I suddenly turned around and looked and the horde of dreams that used to follow me around were completely gone, leaving a desolate mental wasteland to my mind's eye.
Why have the gone? A couple reasons, I would submit. One, of course, was that many of the dreams I had were just that: dreams, imaginings that could (and would) never come true.
A second reason - not that 's any better - is that the choices that I have made have ruled some of them out. As we choose a career, a marriage, and children, we simply have less original choices available, and many of those dreams become unattainable as we work within the consequences of those choices.
The third reason - and the one that is most bothersome - is that I have simply seem to have given up. Those dreams that I have tried for generally failed. As a result of my choices, I have responsibilities which must be fulfilled. Dreams become subsumed by responsibilities and choices, until one's day, one's week and one's life becomes a long list of things that must be done and expectations that must be met. Any hope one had of changing that seems to grow more and more distant every day, leaving only the dull ache of duty in it's place.
How does one come about new dreams? I'm not sure I would even know where to start. As a child, one acquires them as a result of what one wants; now, it is all hedged with the starting knowledge what one actually has to do in life - which immediately comes up every time a dream is proposed: "Yes, but..." and "That would be nice, but here's what I have to do..."
Have to. Must. Responsibility. Duty. Dream killers all.
So here is my question: What is the catalyst to reawaken the dreamer and dreams? How does live change from an adventure to be lived instead of a duty to be endured?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thought for the Day
"It is a small thing to endure hard words from time to time, if you are not yet able to bear hard blows. The reason why you take such trifles to heart is that you are still worldly, and pay greater regard to men's opinions than you ought. Because you fear their contempt, you do not like to be corrected for your faults, and you take refuge in excuses." - Thomas A' Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Dreaming Again
Another wretched night: up at 3 AM, last known dream about work, last know dream about work being laid off from work.
This is becoming a trend.
Of the three, I don't know which is the most annoying: The fact that I cannot sleep past 3 AM on a workday (weekends: no problem) is annoying and somewhat physically degrading. The fact that I dream about work is annoying because I do it but it at least is not consciously controllable. The whole "I get laid off thing" - that, I have nothing for.
Something is going on - something inside my head, or something inside my life that I'm either ignoring or not conscious of. How do I figure out what this is? How do I act on whatever I is eating at me?
What am I trying to say to myself? Why can't I hear it?
This is becoming a trend.
Of the three, I don't know which is the most annoying: The fact that I cannot sleep past 3 AM on a workday (weekends: no problem) is annoying and somewhat physically degrading. The fact that I dream about work is annoying because I do it but it at least is not consciously controllable. The whole "I get laid off thing" - that, I have nothing for.
Something is going on - something inside my head, or something inside my life that I'm either ignoring or not conscious of. How do I figure out what this is? How do I act on whatever I is eating at me?
What am I trying to say to myself? Why can't I hear it?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friendship and Fish
I've been thinking about Himself again.
I don't know really why. This year marks the fourth anniversary of last contact, and the fifth anniversary of the failure of The Firm. It's not as if I have moved on in time and space from that event, but there it is.
I go through this periodically. I'm not quite sure what to call it: Nostalgia? Regret? A nagging sense of guilt? A restless sense of failure? A need for closure that is not there?
This isn't about The Firm. That has been long closed out in my mind and in my soul - and given the current state of that industry, the fact that I am still not in it has more than likely greatly reduced my stress level.
No, it's more the personal aspect and side of an relationship that (if I live long enough) will arguably encompass 13% -20% of my lifespan. Not many relationships last that long (good heavens, many marriages don't last that long!). A relationship that for many years was the standard against which I judged the relationships of myself and others, a relationship that withstood the test of different locations, different states, different jobs, and different life experiences.
But either could not take the stress of business - or the stress of a friendship with business.
But then my mind asks itself, "If contact were to come, what would you say? 'How's your job going? What are the kids doing?' Be honest, the contact would be no more than reconnecting on Facebook with someone you went to school with 20 years ago." And in that my mind is probably right: there are some relationships that seem to pick up where they left off, even after a long period of time. However, there are others which lie there flopping on the pavement like fish out of water, gasping for air, counting the moments until they can be pulled out of this uncomfortable situation and plunged back into their regular environment.
I used to believe that friendship was a resilent thing, taking time and tide without fail. What I've found is that it is far more like an aquarium fish: pH, temperature, and water quality all affect the quality of it, even though they are not visible to the outside.
What prevents me from going back into that aquarium? I don't know which is more powerful, fear or shame: fear, that I will either be rejected or hear the feedback I don't want to; shame, because of this incessant need to find out why and how and the neediness it may be indicative of.
I don't know really why. This year marks the fourth anniversary of last contact, and the fifth anniversary of the failure of The Firm. It's not as if I have moved on in time and space from that event, but there it is.
I go through this periodically. I'm not quite sure what to call it: Nostalgia? Regret? A nagging sense of guilt? A restless sense of failure? A need for closure that is not there?
This isn't about The Firm. That has been long closed out in my mind and in my soul - and given the current state of that industry, the fact that I am still not in it has more than likely greatly reduced my stress level.
No, it's more the personal aspect and side of an relationship that (if I live long enough) will arguably encompass 13% -20% of my lifespan. Not many relationships last that long (good heavens, many marriages don't last that long!). A relationship that for many years was the standard against which I judged the relationships of myself and others, a relationship that withstood the test of different locations, different states, different jobs, and different life experiences.
But either could not take the stress of business - or the stress of a friendship with business.
But then my mind asks itself, "If contact were to come, what would you say? 'How's your job going? What are the kids doing?' Be honest, the contact would be no more than reconnecting on Facebook with someone you went to school with 20 years ago." And in that my mind is probably right: there are some relationships that seem to pick up where they left off, even after a long period of time. However, there are others which lie there flopping on the pavement like fish out of water, gasping for air, counting the moments until they can be pulled out of this uncomfortable situation and plunged back into their regular environment.
I used to believe that friendship was a resilent thing, taking time and tide without fail. What I've found is that it is far more like an aquarium fish: pH, temperature, and water quality all affect the quality of it, even though they are not visible to the outside.
What prevents me from going back into that aquarium? I don't know which is more powerful, fear or shame: fear, that I will either be rejected or hear the feedback I don't want to; shame, because of this incessant need to find out why and how and the neediness it may be indicative of.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Deceit of Sin
"If we say we have not sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from unrighteousness." - 1 John 1: 8-9
The thing about sin that I find so amazing (if in fact one should consider something about sin amazing) is the multiple layers of it within my own life, and how easily I am deceived by it.
I can start out with the best of intentions and discover sin lurking there. I peel that layer off, ask for forgiveness, and move on. Right underneath it is another layer, slightly better hidden but still there. Peel that one off and move on. And then, when I think I'm starting to reach the core of altruism, there's another layer, heavily spiced with good intentions and "thinking of others".
The reality is, sin is warp and woof of who we are: it's permeated into everything that we do. Without Christ, the attempt to act with sin is simply that: an attempt, one that will eventually lead nowhere.
Even with Christ it is difficult for the Christian to live on a day by day, moment by moment level without sin trying to run (and ruin) anything. Unless focused, the mind runs away with itself; unless constantly reminded of my true purpose here on earth, I can easily become enamoured of lesser things that lead not to Christ and His glory but me and my satisfaction - all the time vehemently protesting that I am not thinking of myself but Christ.
But for the Christian it starts with what John says above: that if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and have no truth in us. Ponder that for a second: Christians, who say that they follow the truth, can have no truth in them. It's only when we acknowledge the fact that sin by confessing it (for to confess something, you have to know you have something to confess) that we receive the cleansing and forgiveness we so desperately need.
In a way it's a frightening thought: everything I think and everything I do has the potential to be a carrier of sin to myself or others. But at the same time, it's a liberating thought: I have the power through Christ to be forgiven and overcome that sin on a moment by moment, day by day basis.
I need only acknowledge The Truth.
The thing about sin that I find so amazing (if in fact one should consider something about sin amazing) is the multiple layers of it within my own life, and how easily I am deceived by it.
I can start out with the best of intentions and discover sin lurking there. I peel that layer off, ask for forgiveness, and move on. Right underneath it is another layer, slightly better hidden but still there. Peel that one off and move on. And then, when I think I'm starting to reach the core of altruism, there's another layer, heavily spiced with good intentions and "thinking of others".
The reality is, sin is warp and woof of who we are: it's permeated into everything that we do. Without Christ, the attempt to act with sin is simply that: an attempt, one that will eventually lead nowhere.
Even with Christ it is difficult for the Christian to live on a day by day, moment by moment level without sin trying to run (and ruin) anything. Unless focused, the mind runs away with itself; unless constantly reminded of my true purpose here on earth, I can easily become enamoured of lesser things that lead not to Christ and His glory but me and my satisfaction - all the time vehemently protesting that I am not thinking of myself but Christ.
But for the Christian it starts with what John says above: that if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and have no truth in us. Ponder that for a second: Christians, who say that they follow the truth, can have no truth in them. It's only when we acknowledge the fact that sin by confessing it (for to confess something, you have to know you have something to confess) that we receive the cleansing and forgiveness we so desperately need.
In a way it's a frightening thought: everything I think and everything I do has the potential to be a carrier of sin to myself or others. But at the same time, it's a liberating thought: I have the power through Christ to be forgiven and overcome that sin on a moment by moment, day by day basis.
I need only acknowledge The Truth.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Eternity
I spent the afternoon and evening last night reading Beyond The Khyber Pass: The Road to British Disaster in the First Afghan War by John H. Waller. It covers the history of the British in the Punjab and the initial British involvement in Afghanistan leading to the First Afghan War culminating in the virtual destruction of a British Army corps and their camp followers (16,500) in retreat.
The book is the kind of history book I best enjoy: well written, giving the historical back story, showing the many small points and people that went into a very poor decision. It’s also the kind of book that makes one think, both about current events (for obvious reasons) as well as the scope and focus of one’s life.
To read of these characters – British, Russian, Afghan, Indian, Sikh, and wandering adventurers – and to read of their plans and goals and dreams and machinations is look through the mirror of history 160 years. Of these matters of great import – the “Great Game” – where are the nations that played it now? Of those who sought to advance goals and plans for corporate, national, or personal enrichment, how did they turn out? Where are they now?
It gives a moment’s pause in reflection to look upon my own life now, my own aspirations and goals. Where will these be in 50 years? In 100 years? I can tell you that they will be in the same place that the Queen’s Own 44th Foot is today: scattered and buried in the brown earth, forgotten and having no impact.
This may initially sound morbid. It is not. It is a clarion call to the fact that anything we do here on earth that is not mingled with Christ’s purpose – anything – can have no lasting impact in the light of eternity. It is only when we turn our purposes and goals away from ourselves – to “deny ourselves, take up our cross daily, and follow Christ” – that we put our lives into something that lasts. It is the difference between spending and investing in something. In the first case, we receive a good now but that is all; in the second case, we work now to receive something better in the future.
We desire, we crave impact – Christians and non-Christians alike. But we set our sights too meagerly on impact: we only look to this world, the here and now, while Christ wants us to look for eternity.
If I were to truly deny myself – if I were (as John MacArthur writes) to “invest totally in His kingdom, unconditional surrender all rights, retain no privileges, make no demands, safeguard no cherished sings, treasure no earthly possessions, and cling to no secret self indulgences” – and seek my impact and goals in Christ’s, what would my life look like? What would eternity look like?
The book is the kind of history book I best enjoy: well written, giving the historical back story, showing the many small points and people that went into a very poor decision. It’s also the kind of book that makes one think, both about current events (for obvious reasons) as well as the scope and focus of one’s life.
To read of these characters – British, Russian, Afghan, Indian, Sikh, and wandering adventurers – and to read of their plans and goals and dreams and machinations is look through the mirror of history 160 years. Of these matters of great import – the “Great Game” – where are the nations that played it now? Of those who sought to advance goals and plans for corporate, national, or personal enrichment, how did they turn out? Where are they now?
It gives a moment’s pause in reflection to look upon my own life now, my own aspirations and goals. Where will these be in 50 years? In 100 years? I can tell you that they will be in the same place that the Queen’s Own 44th Foot is today: scattered and buried in the brown earth, forgotten and having no impact.
This may initially sound morbid. It is not. It is a clarion call to the fact that anything we do here on earth that is not mingled with Christ’s purpose – anything – can have no lasting impact in the light of eternity. It is only when we turn our purposes and goals away from ourselves – to “deny ourselves, take up our cross daily, and follow Christ” – that we put our lives into something that lasts. It is the difference between spending and investing in something. In the first case, we receive a good now but that is all; in the second case, we work now to receive something better in the future.
We desire, we crave impact – Christians and non-Christians alike. But we set our sights too meagerly on impact: we only look to this world, the here and now, while Christ wants us to look for eternity.
If I were to truly deny myself – if I were (as John MacArthur writes) to “invest totally in His kingdom, unconditional surrender all rights, retain no privileges, make no demands, safeguard no cherished sings, treasure no earthly possessions, and cling to no secret self indulgences” – and seek my impact and goals in Christ’s, what would my life look like? What would eternity look like?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Demanding Success of Others
"Therefore a skilled commander seeks victory from the situation and does not demand it of his subordinates." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War
How often do I demand that others create my success rather than myself?
I write this both as a manager and as one who is managed, who is responsible for and responsible to individuals. I hate the feeling myself, when I am expected to perform a task on behalf of a superior knowing that I am doing his or her work - but do I do the same thing to others? And is insuring they get credit enough?
But is that true of my personal life as well - do I want to involve others in my ideas (or, let's be fair, crazy schemes) not simply because I enjoy doing things with others (which is true) but because at worst I want to share the labor or at best I want someone else to do the work?
I would point to things that I do, to projects that I get involved in. Is it something that gets done by me, or is only when other people are "involved" that something happens?
Sun Tzu here seems to be pointing the fact that a great commander gains his victory from the situation, not placing the burden of the success on those reporting to him. This does not mean that the commander does not employ the individuals working for him or that there are expectations from them. What it does mean is that the commander understands the nature of the situation and his goal and uses those to create the victory. It's a subtle difference, I suppose much like the idea of lifting a rock by yourself versus using a lever to do it. You and the rock are the same participants in both situations; the lever changes the situation by moving your success to it rather than yourself.
It's a good thought and one to be cognizant of, especially if you manage others: are you making them responsible for your success, or the situation which you're in? One is tyranny, the other the mark of a great leader.
How often do I demand that others create my success rather than myself?
I write this both as a manager and as one who is managed, who is responsible for and responsible to individuals. I hate the feeling myself, when I am expected to perform a task on behalf of a superior knowing that I am doing his or her work - but do I do the same thing to others? And is insuring they get credit enough?
But is that true of my personal life as well - do I want to involve others in my ideas (or, let's be fair, crazy schemes) not simply because I enjoy doing things with others (which is true) but because at worst I want to share the labor or at best I want someone else to do the work?
I would point to things that I do, to projects that I get involved in. Is it something that gets done by me, or is only when other people are "involved" that something happens?
Sun Tzu here seems to be pointing the fact that a great commander gains his victory from the situation, not placing the burden of the success on those reporting to him. This does not mean that the commander does not employ the individuals working for him or that there are expectations from them. What it does mean is that the commander understands the nature of the situation and his goal and uses those to create the victory. It's a subtle difference, I suppose much like the idea of lifting a rock by yourself versus using a lever to do it. You and the rock are the same participants in both situations; the lever changes the situation by moving your success to it rather than yourself.
It's a good thought and one to be cognizant of, especially if you manage others: are you making them responsible for your success, or the situation which you're in? One is tyranny, the other the mark of a great leader.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Writing With No Subject
There are mornings (like this one) that nothing springs to mind or to my fingers as I sit at the keyboard. This is the third time of typing; the previous two got were one or two sentences long, then quietly got deleted with the rapid tap tap tap of the "Delete" key.
How do ideas germinate for writing? I couldn't really tell you. Sometimes they appear in my head the night before; sometimes something I read in the morning speaks to and through me. Sometimes simply beginning the process initiates the winding trail of finding a subject for that morning.
But there are also times - like today - where none of that happens. Whatever part of the brain starts the writing process just sits there looking at me with a dazed expression, as if to say "I've got nothing. How about you?"
Is writing communication or an exercise? It's both, really. I'd like to think that it is the process of me communicating to my theoretical readers things that I find important or useful or even silly upon occasion.
But I have also come to appreciate that it is just as much an exercise, or a series of exercises. It's an exercise in collecting one's thoughts and laying them out. It's an exercise in creativity to some extent, finding something to write on every day. However, mostly importantly (for me, anyway) it's become an exercise in persistence, in 5 days a week sitting down at something and creating - even if it is not good, even if it is not what I had intended. One of the great struggles in my life has always been keeping with something overtime. In some small way, this blog helps me along that path.
So writing, then, is about persistence and keeping a commitment to myself.
Hey look, I found a subject after all.
How do ideas germinate for writing? I couldn't really tell you. Sometimes they appear in my head the night before; sometimes something I read in the morning speaks to and through me. Sometimes simply beginning the process initiates the winding trail of finding a subject for that morning.
But there are also times - like today - where none of that happens. Whatever part of the brain starts the writing process just sits there looking at me with a dazed expression, as if to say "I've got nothing. How about you?"
Is writing communication or an exercise? It's both, really. I'd like to think that it is the process of me communicating to my theoretical readers things that I find important or useful or even silly upon occasion.
But I have also come to appreciate that it is just as much an exercise, or a series of exercises. It's an exercise in collecting one's thoughts and laying them out. It's an exercise in creativity to some extent, finding something to write on every day. However, mostly importantly (for me, anyway) it's become an exercise in persistence, in 5 days a week sitting down at something and creating - even if it is not good, even if it is not what I had intended. One of the great struggles in my life has always been keeping with something overtime. In some small way, this blog helps me along that path.
So writing, then, is about persistence and keeping a commitment to myself.
Hey look, I found a subject after all.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday Morning
The Morning silence
again invades my senses:
dog quietly snoring,
refrigerator humming,
the slightly humid air slowly swirling.
A cool cup of coffee sits at hand,
waiting to be washed down and then refilled
with the overhot coffee in the pot.
It is a moment of background noise
yet intense quiet, the day waiting to begin:
a welter of thoughts and actions struggle
in my consciousness trying to get out and take action
before their time.
But I will sit here, at least for a few more minutes,
enjoying the peace that is not silence
and the state of relaxing
before the coming storm.
again invades my senses:
dog quietly snoring,
refrigerator humming,
the slightly humid air slowly swirling.
A cool cup of coffee sits at hand,
waiting to be washed down and then refilled
with the overhot coffee in the pot.
It is a moment of background noise
yet intense quiet, the day waiting to begin:
a welter of thoughts and actions struggle
in my consciousness trying to get out and take action
before their time.
But I will sit here, at least for a few more minutes,
enjoying the peace that is not silence
and the state of relaxing
before the coming storm.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Gossip
So I have this problem with gossip.
Mostly, it's at work. I am a junkie for information, for data, for theories, for then taking all of that information and working out grand schemes about people and policies and directions and motives. I collect data like some collect baseball cards: carefully filed away by player and knowing the statistics on the top twenty cards.
And I use it. I use it the way nerds in high school use magic tricks to gain acceptance, demonstrating my industry experience, my knowledge and my ability to call a person or situation as a freshman would make a handkerchief disappear. It buys me currency in the realm of popularity and solidarity against those who often (it feels) treat me poorly or have my fate in their hands without any consideration of me.
But is it right?
The acid test is this, I suppose: Would I mention that information if they were in the room? Not the "Oh sure, in my mind I would do it (wind blowing in hair, courageous music playing in background) but "Would I do it and feel good about it if they were in the room but out of my sight (no wind, no music, just piles of paper and fluorescent lighting)?"
Done too long, this becomes an acidic canker in the soul, always eating away at every perceived intention and comment, carefully weighing words and motives to put them in the worst light or the light which is most helpful to my theories, not the reality - until one reaches the point that all motives and all theories are suspect except my own.
I was reminded this morning of 1 Peter 2:18: "Servants (employees, in this case), be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the kind and good but also to the harsh." Submissive, among other things, is not engendered ill will among others. Paul goes even further in Chapter 3 of Colossians by stating "But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth" (verse 8). It's as if Christ was whacking me over the head, saying "Does this engender respect of your leaders of work? Does this build a more cohesive work environment, or one where you get to be the most popular at the cost of the respect of others?"
And that most damning question of all, "Is it Christlike?"
I'm going to try an experiment: for one day, I'll say nothing involving gossip or negative language about my work situation or those in it. One day. Perhaps not much, but maybe it's a start.
Mostly, it's at work. I am a junkie for information, for data, for theories, for then taking all of that information and working out grand schemes about people and policies and directions and motives. I collect data like some collect baseball cards: carefully filed away by player and knowing the statistics on the top twenty cards.
And I use it. I use it the way nerds in high school use magic tricks to gain acceptance, demonstrating my industry experience, my knowledge and my ability to call a person or situation as a freshman would make a handkerchief disappear. It buys me currency in the realm of popularity and solidarity against those who often (it feels) treat me poorly or have my fate in their hands without any consideration of me.
But is it right?
The acid test is this, I suppose: Would I mention that information if they were in the room? Not the "Oh sure, in my mind I would do it (wind blowing in hair, courageous music playing in background) but "Would I do it and feel good about it if they were in the room but out of my sight (no wind, no music, just piles of paper and fluorescent lighting)?"
Done too long, this becomes an acidic canker in the soul, always eating away at every perceived intention and comment, carefully weighing words and motives to put them in the worst light or the light which is most helpful to my theories, not the reality - until one reaches the point that all motives and all theories are suspect except my own.
I was reminded this morning of 1 Peter 2:18: "Servants (employees, in this case), be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the kind and good but also to the harsh." Submissive, among other things, is not engendered ill will among others. Paul goes even further in Chapter 3 of Colossians by stating "But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth" (verse 8). It's as if Christ was whacking me over the head, saying "Does this engender respect of your leaders of work? Does this build a more cohesive work environment, or one where you get to be the most popular at the cost of the respect of others?"
And that most damning question of all, "Is it Christlike?"
I'm going to try an experiment: for one day, I'll say nothing involving gossip or negative language about my work situation or those in it. One day. Perhaps not much, but maybe it's a start.
Monday, April 12, 2010
What is Personal Growth?
So what is personal growth?
I'm 631 posts and 5 years into this blog plus 20 years (this year) of journaling, spending a fair amount of time looking into my life and the actions around my life. Am I any better or different for having done so?
I don't know. I certainly don't feel like it - more that whatever changes have occurred have taken place as a result of circumstances I've been rather than some conscious choice to change or improve.
It hounds me a bit because my pits and flaws and failures only seem to become more self evident to me, while the changes and improvements made seem few and far between and hardly noticeable at all. Any effort to try more almost feels doomed to the same sense of failure.
Which is why I bother to ask the question at all: What is personal growth? What are the signposts, the roadmarks, that indicate that progress is truly being made? Am I truly as stagnant as I feel, or is there evidence that such growth has occurred, even if it is not visible to me?
Do I have too great a hope for personal growth or change? Perhaps I'm laboring under the illusion that it will be like high school or college, where change was swift and felt as such. Perhaps the very nature of change is more subtle as one grows older, not that it is not present.
I'm not sure - all I know is that for all my jottings, I should feel, I don't know, different.
I'm 631 posts and 5 years into this blog plus 20 years (this year) of journaling, spending a fair amount of time looking into my life and the actions around my life. Am I any better or different for having done so?
I don't know. I certainly don't feel like it - more that whatever changes have occurred have taken place as a result of circumstances I've been rather than some conscious choice to change or improve.
It hounds me a bit because my pits and flaws and failures only seem to become more self evident to me, while the changes and improvements made seem few and far between and hardly noticeable at all. Any effort to try more almost feels doomed to the same sense of failure.
Which is why I bother to ask the question at all: What is personal growth? What are the signposts, the roadmarks, that indicate that progress is truly being made? Am I truly as stagnant as I feel, or is there evidence that such growth has occurred, even if it is not visible to me?
Do I have too great a hope for personal growth or change? Perhaps I'm laboring under the illusion that it will be like high school or college, where change was swift and felt as such. Perhaps the very nature of change is more subtle as one grows older, not that it is not present.
I'm not sure - all I know is that for all my jottings, I should feel, I don't know, different.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Bang Your Head
I have been mulling over the night Otis's comment from yesterday post. I include the relevant comment here:
"I would challenge you as I have in the past that maybe the reason you are at your current job or industry isn't to necessarily accomplish things on paper as strange as that sounds. Maybe you are there for a different reason. How can you be an influence and as an example to those who you interact with on a daily basis? This can maybe help you adjust your thought process and attitude away from the tasks. Just a thought."
It's a fine thought, and probably a good one. The fact that it makes me bang my head is probably not relevant.
Questions, always questions. If influence is the question, why this situation? Why couldn't I influence people in a situation that I might enjoy more - you know, as a writer or maybe in this industry but not in a pressure cooker? If I'm an example, what am I an example of - how to slowly go mad, or perhaps how to question your career choice 12 years after you made it?
(Banging of head commences)
Somewhere inside of me, I know I should be grateful - as The Ravishing Mrs. TB pointed out, at least I'm not in a job where the ceiling literally collapses on you and buries you underground, and I certainly know the pain of not having a job to go to. At the same time, I grow weary of going to a job that I tolerate not because of some esoteric attachment or even because it's actually doing some good somewhere, but because that's what I do now and the possibility of changing to something else is remote at the time. I would, as I have only a few times in my life, like to get up to go to work with a sense of excitement and pleasure, instead of the dull sense of necessity that propels me out the door virtually ever morning.
If an influence or example, it would at least feel helpful to see some of that in my daily existence, instead of not seeing or feeling the impact - if ever. Probably the only thing worse than spending time in any activity which serves no purpose is the illusion that you spent your time there to fulfil a useful purpose, only to find that you were wrong after the fact.
"I would challenge you as I have in the past that maybe the reason you are at your current job or industry isn't to necessarily accomplish things on paper as strange as that sounds. Maybe you are there for a different reason. How can you be an influence and as an example to those who you interact with on a daily basis? This can maybe help you adjust your thought process and attitude away from the tasks. Just a thought."
It's a fine thought, and probably a good one. The fact that it makes me bang my head is probably not relevant.
Questions, always questions. If influence is the question, why this situation? Why couldn't I influence people in a situation that I might enjoy more - you know, as a writer or maybe in this industry but not in a pressure cooker? If I'm an example, what am I an example of - how to slowly go mad, or perhaps how to question your career choice 12 years after you made it?
(Banging of head commences)
Somewhere inside of me, I know I should be grateful - as The Ravishing Mrs. TB pointed out, at least I'm not in a job where the ceiling literally collapses on you and buries you underground, and I certainly know the pain of not having a job to go to. At the same time, I grow weary of going to a job that I tolerate not because of some esoteric attachment or even because it's actually doing some good somewhere, but because that's what I do now and the possibility of changing to something else is remote at the time. I would, as I have only a few times in my life, like to get up to go to work with a sense of excitement and pleasure, instead of the dull sense of necessity that propels me out the door virtually ever morning.
If an influence or example, it would at least feel helpful to see some of that in my daily existence, instead of not seeing or feeling the impact - if ever. Probably the only thing worse than spending time in any activity which serves no purpose is the illusion that you spent your time there to fulfil a useful purpose, only to find that you were wrong after the fact.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
The Wan Downslide of the Soul
So here it is, Thursday. One would think that I would be more excited - after all, we've entered the downhill side of the week, we made it through Wednesday, and there are only two workdays left (in a four day work week, no less) until the weekend.
One would think.
Part of this is simply due to the time at work - it's my cycle to work late, so I'm spending 10.5 hours a day work plus the commute time so it easily becomes 12 hours a day, so by the time I get home, have dinner with An Teaglach, put Na Clann to bed, my energy is low. Things I would like to finish or even do seem inevitably to fall off my list.
Another thing that I think is impacting me is the follow-on that always seems to come after I sit down for a goal setting/life improvement thinking session. I walk away from those with great energy and great thoughts, only to get slammed by the reality of my life (and in this case, an extra heaping of work). It seems that every time I do this, I crawl home that evening almost in tears, painfully aware of the huge gap between anything that I would like to accomplish and the reality of my life as it is. The mental discussion with myself then slides one of two ways: either I am foolish to perform those kind of activities based on the realities of life (24 hours in a day, work at least 8, need to sleep at least 7) or I am a failure because I can't do those things so therefore I must lack the will to do them. This will again somehow end in tears and frustration at my life.
The sort of surprising thing that happened yesterday was the thought "Let's just leave it all. Just pick up and go."
A surprising and not altogether happy thought - but it brings into vivid belief for myself the "Mid-Life crisis", that time culturally speaking for American males that they see to go off the deep end, seeking a lifestyle of youth or even something extremely risky or different. Why?
If they are in a version of the same situation as I (and I suspect many of them are), they simply feel trapped by the lives they are in. They've reached the beginning of what are typically the prime earning years, usually are well ensconced in their marital and child rearing relationships, and have many of the accouterments of having worked for years - but come to the screeching realization that the life they have is probably now the life they will ever have, and the thought of another 20 years of living in the same mold is suddenly revealed for the long tunnel it really is.
And so the urge to find something completely new and different, live differently, live without responsibilities at time when they seem oppressively bearing down on the soul of the youth inside of them who was a poet or a writer or an explorer, a desire to taste again (for some length of time) the excitement of discovery or living extemparenously or doing what one wants to do -instead of the rigid schedule, unchanging responsibilities, and drab realities of life.
In their heart of hearts, maybe they grasp that the promise is not there, that shucking large portions of a life they've built for 20 years is neither as simple or as rewarding as it appears and that the damage done by living for themselves is brutal to those around them and probably does not deliver what they are hoping for.
Maybe.
But sitting in the car, commuting in the dark for the umpteenth time to a career of shuffling papers without impact, feeling trapped by the life one is in without the hope that writing a series of "100 things to do before I die" will make difference doesn't really seem to be a viable option either.
One would think.
Part of this is simply due to the time at work - it's my cycle to work late, so I'm spending 10.5 hours a day work plus the commute time so it easily becomes 12 hours a day, so by the time I get home, have dinner with An Teaglach, put Na Clann to bed, my energy is low. Things I would like to finish or even do seem inevitably to fall off my list.
Another thing that I think is impacting me is the follow-on that always seems to come after I sit down for a goal setting/life improvement thinking session. I walk away from those with great energy and great thoughts, only to get slammed by the reality of my life (and in this case, an extra heaping of work). It seems that every time I do this, I crawl home that evening almost in tears, painfully aware of the huge gap between anything that I would like to accomplish and the reality of my life as it is. The mental discussion with myself then slides one of two ways: either I am foolish to perform those kind of activities based on the realities of life (24 hours in a day, work at least 8, need to sleep at least 7) or I am a failure because I can't do those things so therefore I must lack the will to do them. This will again somehow end in tears and frustration at my life.
The sort of surprising thing that happened yesterday was the thought "Let's just leave it all. Just pick up and go."
A surprising and not altogether happy thought - but it brings into vivid belief for myself the "Mid-Life crisis", that time culturally speaking for American males that they see to go off the deep end, seeking a lifestyle of youth or even something extremely risky or different. Why?
If they are in a version of the same situation as I (and I suspect many of them are), they simply feel trapped by the lives they are in. They've reached the beginning of what are typically the prime earning years, usually are well ensconced in their marital and child rearing relationships, and have many of the accouterments of having worked for years - but come to the screeching realization that the life they have is probably now the life they will ever have, and the thought of another 20 years of living in the same mold is suddenly revealed for the long tunnel it really is.
And so the urge to find something completely new and different, live differently, live without responsibilities at time when they seem oppressively bearing down on the soul of the youth inside of them who was a poet or a writer or an explorer, a desire to taste again (for some length of time) the excitement of discovery or living extemparenously or doing what one wants to do -instead of the rigid schedule, unchanging responsibilities, and drab realities of life.
In their heart of hearts, maybe they grasp that the promise is not there, that shucking large portions of a life they've built for 20 years is neither as simple or as rewarding as it appears and that the damage done by living for themselves is brutal to those around them and probably does not deliver what they are hoping for.
Maybe.
But sitting in the car, commuting in the dark for the umpteenth time to a career of shuffling papers without impact, feeling trapped by the life one is in without the hope that writing a series of "100 things to do before I die" will make difference doesn't really seem to be a viable option either.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Work Dream
Work dreams are the worst. There is nothing less fun than waking up from a dream about work only to realize that you have to get up to go to work. There is very little that is more demotivating.
And this one was one of the better ones. Simply put, I got fired.
Oh, it wasn't that straightforward, of course. The people involved were a combination of individuals I have worked with throughout my career: a coworker from my first job in the industry, an HR person from two companies ago, a Vice President from 3 companies ago, my current boss, and a current coworker.
The crux of the dream was the fact that I was fired.
Fired by my current boss (he was the one in the dream). The ironic part was that he didn't remember that he had fired me and could not remember the reason that he did. One of my coworkers (the current one) couldn't believe I had been fired; the other one (the one from long ago) continued on working on his tasks, even as he had no clue either why it had happened to me.
My last day there, my boss came up to me and asked me if I had scheduled my going away lunch. I looked at him somewhat strangely and said no, I hadn't. He wondered if I should.
I went to HR as my last stop, which was strangely my old college. I struggled to get HR's attention but finally got it; when I told them I was fired, they couldn't believe it and hadn't been informed. They called in the president (my old VP) who assured me that I wasn't fired - show up for work tomorrow. She then drifted off, leaving me to my own devices, to wander back to my home.
Finally, I called my boss. "Why aren't you here?" he asked. "I got fired" I replied. "Fired? No-one was fired" he replied. "When do you leave for your audit?"
At that point I woke up, rolled over to see the clock was at 4:53 AM, and then had that sinking feeling realizing "Hey, now I get to go to work and really live it!"
And this one was one of the better ones. Simply put, I got fired.
Oh, it wasn't that straightforward, of course. The people involved were a combination of individuals I have worked with throughout my career: a coworker from my first job in the industry, an HR person from two companies ago, a Vice President from 3 companies ago, my current boss, and a current coworker.
The crux of the dream was the fact that I was fired.
Fired by my current boss (he was the one in the dream). The ironic part was that he didn't remember that he had fired me and could not remember the reason that he did. One of my coworkers (the current one) couldn't believe I had been fired; the other one (the one from long ago) continued on working on his tasks, even as he had no clue either why it had happened to me.
My last day there, my boss came up to me and asked me if I had scheduled my going away lunch. I looked at him somewhat strangely and said no, I hadn't. He wondered if I should.
I went to HR as my last stop, which was strangely my old college. I struggled to get HR's attention but finally got it; when I told them I was fired, they couldn't believe it and hadn't been informed. They called in the president (my old VP) who assured me that I wasn't fired - show up for work tomorrow. She then drifted off, leaving me to my own devices, to wander back to my home.
Finally, I called my boss. "Why aren't you here?" he asked. "I got fired" I replied. "Fired? No-one was fired" he replied. "When do you leave for your audit?"
At that point I woke up, rolled over to see the clock was at 4:53 AM, and then had that sinking feeling realizing "Hey, now I get to go to work and really live it!"
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Work Tuesday
And here it is, Tuesday.
I am sitting here in the cool overcast New Home darkness, the wind rustling the trees as I mentally and spiritually prepare for the work week ahead. It's a form of willing suspension of disbelief, as I consciously ignore the problems and issues I know await me there.
Which begs the question: is this the way things are supposed to be?
I know, I know: all work, at some level, involves toil and struggle, and I certainly do not labor under the fact that it is otherwise. Still, I have to wonder if this level of essentially ignoring the way things are going to be is the way things have to be - or is this an aberration?
Certainly now, due to contractual obligations, I am not in a position to do anything about it - but I can begin to plan to do something about it.
The interesting thing is that, when I ponder it, every time I have made the determination that I am going to find a new position - truly find one, not just dabble - I have. So much for "I can't do it". The other reality is, I seldom have traded up in my positions. In responsibility, in job function, in the state of the companies I come to, all things tend to be the same. So is the the fault of where I go, or is it the fault of how I choose, what I am, and how I present myself.
The reality is that in any industry, the very best (in the sense of most competent and most skilled) always have employment. It's the second tier, the third tier, that is constantly struggling to find another position, find a higher position - who are trapped.
I hate feeling trapped in a job, that there are no options, that I must stay. It's then that the compromises of character and ethics begin to take place -"I have to do this, or else I'll lose my job."
Not for me - at least, not anymore. I will compromise neither character nor ethics for a person or a position.
The job is replaceable. The character and ethics are not.
I am sitting here in the cool overcast New Home darkness, the wind rustling the trees as I mentally and spiritually prepare for the work week ahead. It's a form of willing suspension of disbelief, as I consciously ignore the problems and issues I know await me there.
Which begs the question: is this the way things are supposed to be?
I know, I know: all work, at some level, involves toil and struggle, and I certainly do not labor under the fact that it is otherwise. Still, I have to wonder if this level of essentially ignoring the way things are going to be is the way things have to be - or is this an aberration?
Certainly now, due to contractual obligations, I am not in a position to do anything about it - but I can begin to plan to do something about it.
The interesting thing is that, when I ponder it, every time I have made the determination that I am going to find a new position - truly find one, not just dabble - I have. So much for "I can't do it". The other reality is, I seldom have traded up in my positions. In responsibility, in job function, in the state of the companies I come to, all things tend to be the same. So is the the fault of where I go, or is it the fault of how I choose, what I am, and how I present myself.
The reality is that in any industry, the very best (in the sense of most competent and most skilled) always have employment. It's the second tier, the third tier, that is constantly struggling to find another position, find a higher position - who are trapped.
I hate feeling trapped in a job, that there are no options, that I must stay. It's then that the compromises of character and ethics begin to take place -"I have to do this, or else I'll lose my job."
Not for me - at least, not anymore. I will compromise neither character nor ethics for a person or a position.
The job is replaceable. The character and ethics are not.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Charting a New Course
I've had a delightful time with my parents being here this weekend - although it's been an interesting period of introspection for me.
I'm a man trapped in two places: New Home and Old Home. I find that both of them are holding attractions for me, in different ways: New Home in the fact of what opportunities it has afforded Na Clann, Old Home in the fact that my heart lies in the Ranch.
But in either event, I've come to realize that the possibilities that exist in either - or both - locations are not going to happen unless I make them happen. Doing what I've continued to do will not get me any closer to any of the things that I would like to accomplish. In other words, I've got to work on changing things.
And things within me. I've realized that I'm working for people that are more educated than I, but not smarter. The learning can be had.
My contractual obligations are coming up on their conclusions, and my ability to chart a new course in my career will become open.
The date cannot find me unready to act.
I'm a man trapped in two places: New Home and Old Home. I find that both of them are holding attractions for me, in different ways: New Home in the fact of what opportunities it has afforded Na Clann, Old Home in the fact that my heart lies in the Ranch.
But in either event, I've come to realize that the possibilities that exist in either - or both - locations are not going to happen unless I make them happen. Doing what I've continued to do will not get me any closer to any of the things that I would like to accomplish. In other words, I've got to work on changing things.
And things within me. I've realized that I'm working for people that are more educated than I, but not smarter. The learning can be had.
My contractual obligations are coming up on their conclusions, and my ability to chart a new course in my career will become open.
The date cannot find me unready to act.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Maundy Thursday
Maundy Thursday.
What was Christ thinking as He prepared for this morning, His last morning before His Trial, Crucifixion, and Death?
Was He exhausted as He woke up?
Was His mind filled with things that He still had to do?
What did He think when He saw Judas that morning? Peter?
Was He already walking through the Last Supper in His mind?
Did He hear the snap of the whips, feels the spikes?
As He walked through Jerusalem and saw the Passover lambs, did He think of the task before Him?
Did He already see the glory set before Him?
Did He already hear the "Well done" of His Father?
What was Christ thinking as He arose to die?
What was Christ thinking as He prepared for this morning, His last morning before His Trial, Crucifixion, and Death?
Was He exhausted as He woke up?
Was His mind filled with things that He still had to do?
What did He think when He saw Judas that morning? Peter?
Was He already walking through the Last Supper in His mind?
Did He hear the snap of the whips, feels the spikes?
As He walked through Jerusalem and saw the Passover lambs, did He think of the task before Him?
Did He already see the glory set before Him?
Did He already hear the "Well done" of His Father?
What was Christ thinking as He arose to die?
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