Realizing the fact was a sort of shock: I had accepted the interview last week but had somehow gotten the impression it was for another position. I was wrong: different name, my current title.
For some reason this makes me rather depressed and emotional.
I knew this day was coming, of course. In two weeks it will be two months since the news of my job change was broken to me. I have openly been working on my transition plan.
And yet....
And yet, the sudden reality of the thing saddens me. It is almost like I have been working in this bubble for the last two months where such a thing does not exist, a sort of dream or memory - and then it is brought to crushing, vibrant life.
To be fair, my enthusiasm has slowly been trickling out over that time, a slow leak in my career that is almost at the point of activating the "low tire" light. It has been difficult - far more than I had imagined - to enthusiastically continue to build systems and start initiatives knowing in the back of your mind that these are just as likely to be discontinued by the incoming person as they are to be sustained. Beyond that, hovering just in the wings, is the inevitable turn of events where major parts of what you spent the last four years of your life putting together are torn down and either reconstructed or simply destroyed.
And you being around to see and hear it all.
It is that moment that one grapples with the fact that one's usefulness - at least in this capacity - may really be at an end. That having reached what was arguably the pinnacle of your career, you have tipped over the side and are increasing your downward speed.
I will sit through interview, of course. I will be pleasant. I am not really sure what I will ask, and may just spend the bulk of the interview as a resource - after all, the best way to come to understand someone is to listen to the questions they ask. I will listen, and be part of the focus group, and perhaps after listening to others opinions give the one that seems to be the one expected of me.
At one point in this process someone asked me why I am staying through this. There are a number of reasons, of course, with family and current situation being two of them. But the one I told them is that I am doing this because our culture has very few examples of people who can gracefully be replaced.
I just did not expect it to be this jarring.
*Hugs* ❤️
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda. It is all good. Just jarring, that is all.
DeleteThat particular ride may not be over yet, TB - when you get pitched over the side of the boat, it's a looooooong slow sink to the bottom... :)
ReplyDeleteFor me, I am one of those guys that used to worry about things like this and - once they were done and over with - kick myself for getting worked up over trivialities. I hope that's what this turns out to be for you.
Thanks Glen. Do not mistake my emotional reaction for concern: that fight has disappeared long ago and far away at this point. I really just want to be done with the whole thing at this point.
DeleteI am completely ready in the event that I get heaved over the side - in fact, I kind of expect it at this point. As you say, no reason worrying over it at this point.
One the one hand I do not know if I'd have the fortitude to stick around, but on the other I would look at mortgage payments and recurring bills and think better to have some kind of job, especially in the see difficult times. I don't envy you.
ReplyDeleteSongbird, to become perfectly honest I find myself overall being less and less enthused about my current position - frankly, I just want it to be over at this point. On the other hand - yes, the income needs are still there.
DeleteI had three goals coming out of this: the first was to keep my job through end of the school year (June this year), second to keep a job through the end of this year (start of the last big tuition cycle), and third to keep my job through next June (Oldest graduates). If I can manage that, I have accomplished my initial goal and lots of other things become possible.