Strategic Thinking

Another thing has come up in terms of things I finding I don't like to do: strategic thinking.

Oh, not the strategic thinking of my life or even of my potential life's work. That I enjoy, even as I need to work on implementation. I enjoying playing with figures, changing numbers, saying "What if" - it's almost like it's a secret joy of those that think a lot.

No, the strategic thinking I'm speaking of is that enforced by others: the thinking that strategic thinking can occur effectively without the ability to take the steps to actually take action on them.

Case in point: I am charged with thinking more strategically in my current position. It's a good idea and a fine plan. However, it seems that any thinking and planning I do is always swept away by the course of daily events, which leaves those plans crinkled up in a ball by my desk. When one has the inability to set policy, strategic thinking and initiation becomes an exercise in futility: when faced with improvement or income, most companies (indeed, most people) will probably take the income.

It's sad. It's silly. It's counterproductive. It leads individuals to learn to not take initiative until essentially they have been "informed" by leaders what the boundaries are.

So I may have learned two things: 1) I can't do it in this environment; 2) If I want to do true strategic thinking, I need to do it in the context of being able to implement it. And that would mean being in charge.

Resource Deficient?

I think I've reached the limit of my internal CPU.

I acknowledged last night as I drove home from work that I my mind has not been as sharp as of late. Part of it I have been addressing as a lack of sleep (as noted before, a lack of sleep tends to degrade my abilities).

Then it occurred to me as I went that I almost literally spent the entire day being given more tasks to do without actually accomplishing anything. It's as if my mind finally reached the point of saturation and said "No more, I'm done - thank you very much."

Accomplishing tasks is one thing. Using the time we have efficiently and wisely is another. But when one has reached the point where tasks simply come faster than the ability to deal with them, one of two things has occurred: Resources are not what they should be, or the ship is simply sinking faster than you can pump.

The part that I am finding discouraging is the fact that I am taking this as my failure: I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm not keeping up. I am not trying hard enough. Which if I sit and think about it, simply is not true. Could I use my time more efficiently? Yes, if I wanted to break all interactive ties with the very individuals I'm expected to interact and succeed with.

Ironically, the very people who are the most efficient at any company, often the individuals that rise to senior positions, are the very individuals that are the least liked.

Be efficient? Sure. Be mindful of my time? Absolutely. But consider myself failing because I am not resourced appropriately? Not anymore.

Joy

"Finally brethren, rejoice in the Lord." - Philippians 3:1

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice." -Philippians 4:4

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So here is the challenge: simply put, I am not a joyful person. Never have been - funny yes, occasionally gregarious of course, but joyful: nope. Which is is concerning the above referenced verses.

Paul was a man of joy - that much flows from all of his letters. More amazingly (I suppose to me) he was a man of joy in the face of all circumstances: persecution, death threats, travel extremities, working as a tent maker, and finally death itself. Or Christ as another example, who "for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross..." (Hebrews 12:2a).

The reality is a lack of joy is severely impacting my life. I notice it. The Ravishing Mrs. TB notices it. Na Clann notice it. I suppose all those around me notice it as well - great testimony for Christ, huh?

The other reality - at least from what I can glean from Scripture - is that joy is something which comes from God. It's listed as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. It's based on our relationship with Him, not within our circumstances.

(That's easy to write of course - it's much more difficult to live out on a daily basis when in so many aspects of your life, you feel out of water and trapped.)

So if true joy is not something one can manufacture but it is something we are commanded to do, and joy is a gift from God, how does one reconcile the two in one's life? How do I create that which feels so often to be manufactured?

Ask? Is it as simple as that? But the commands from Paul are for us to be active: "Rejoice", "Rejoice Always". And the writer of Hebrews notes that Christ saw the joy before Him.

The key is there - I just need to find it.

Not An Empire

So naturally, I made the simple request of God over the last two nights "What do you want me to do?" Foolish, in the sense that I realized that I probably did not expect a response - and got several.

The one that arises to my mind this morning is that of my relationships at work. Simply put, I don't really enjoy managing people or being responsible for them or their work.

It's a fine distinction, because for a great while I have been of the opinion that I don't really care for people. I don't think that's it totally: I am finding that I am consciously enjoying relationships that I am involved it; what I am not enjoying is the managerial accessories that come along with it.

It's an interesting puzzle, because that is so much of what industry is built on: work your way up the ranks, acquire more responsibility and more people/power (and therefore more money), and aspire to even more dizzying heights.

But as I think about it - as I asked God about it -what I got is this sense that I am simply not interested in this. I've no interest in building an empire or commanding the loyalty of others. I certainly don't mind what I do, but I'm not interested in the career track - without an interest in a career track, you eventually (at least here) go nowhere.

That's okay - I don't know that I have to do anything about today. I just need to be conscious of it for the moment, to ponder it and then figure out how to incorporate it into my career.

Why?

I'm sitting here at 21:10 at night. The house is quiet: The Ravishing Mrs. TB is off at a conference in Florida, Na Clann are all in beds, exhausted either from a sleepover or cramming into bed with dad (and the resulting lack of sleep), Syrah is downstairs sleeping. The rain we had last night is gone but the clouds are back, leaving the cloudy silence that always seems to come. In a thought, I'm alone with my thoughts.

And alone with my writing.

I've been questioning my writing these last three days, especially in conjunction with this blog: why do I write, why do I write what I write about, am I having any impact by writing this.

Why do I write? Two reasons I suppose: one is that I simply have to write. I can't not do so, at least not for long periods of time. The other reason is that I write because I have hope that I can make some kind of impact.

Impact? That gets to the second question for writing, which is what I write about. Of this, I am not so sure. Originally when I started this blog, I had the idea I would write about God and my experiences with nature. If I look over time, that has morphed considerably into sometimes involving God and more often involving introspection about myself, or my circumstances, or even my life. I don't know if that is as impactful as I would have hoped it would be.

So why do I continue to write? If I had to try and reign in these octopus arms of writing, what would I try to do? If I want to have an impact (and what kind of impact is another question), what should I be focusing on?

Responsibilities, Options, and Time

Coming back to goals again - my goals particularly.

I'm finding (or maybe finally becoming aware) that I simply cannot balance the idea of being an involved husband and father and completing all the goals I things I want to do on a daily basis. Nope. Can't get here from there. One of three things happens:

1) I make a valiant attempt to do everything on Monday. It gets done, but I have to stay up later to meet everything. Tuesday I'm tired, but still try. By Wednesday, things are falling off the list. By Friday, nothing gets done because I'm tired and depressed that I can't stay focused.

2) I do everything, but spend my evenings essentially by myself accomplishing my goals and not interacting with my family.

3) I try to do very little and make sure that my mood is good (that would be the sleep thing), but end up feeling like I am not doing anything.

So either my expectations are too high, they're too low, or I simply am not doing what I should be doing.

Some facts that are known:

1) I require 7 hours of sleep a night. Less quickly degrades my ability to function quickly.

2) The time I get up for work, leave for work, and work are fairly set. My ability to change that is limited, and the time I have leading up to that is now effectively used.

3) Doing the time math, that leaves a finite amount of time after I get home to eat/do chores/interact with family/interact with pets/do "my" goals.

Knowing all that, how do I best evaluate my responsibilities and options?

"I Can" versus "I Am"

I've identified a flaw in my thinking: "I can" versus "I am".

Upon reflection this week, peppered by Jeffrey Gitomer, I became aware that it seems I have always confused my ability to be capable with my inherent nature. To think myself capable was to extend it to all aspects of my reality, including my nature as a sinner - which then made me react against it, knowing the fact that I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of salvation on my own merit. I have often ended up in this bizarre feedback loop, tacking back and forth from "I can" to "I can't" like a small sailboat on Sunday afternoon in the San Francisco Bay.

But in thinking about it yesterday, I had a glimmer that the truth lies with both: yes, I am a sinner in need of a Savior, but as a person God have made me capable - that my status as a sinner does not prevent me from accomplishing things - indeed, being competent and able to do (at least on earth) far more than I consider myself capable of.

This is a novel thought for me, something I have not considered in a long time: that I am capable of things, that thinking "I can" and believing that I can is not in itself a sinful thought.

Suddenly, the vistas of this life are greatly expanded and the thoughts of what I can do are no longer immediately shut down to essentially the interior ends of my mind.

Begging Him to Depart

"And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus. And they saw Him they begged Him to depart from their region." -Matthew 8:34

The story is a familiar one: Jesus casting demons out of two demon possessed men in the country of the Gergasenes (or Gadarenes, depending on the translation). The demons (who were so many in the man that the referred to themselves as "Legion") begged to be sent into a herd of swine rather than cast into their final destination, the Lake of Fire. Jesus does so, at which they take the herd of swine over a cliff into the Sea of Galilee.

The locals arrive. They see the demon possessed men (Matthew says one man, but commentators think that the explanation for two is that one man was the primary speaker) clothed, sitting calmly in their right mind. Here is the Son of God in the midst, the great teacher Jesus, giving a demonstration of His power to back up His claim that He is the Son of God and can forgive sins.

Their response? They "begged Him to depart from their region."

Why? It could have been that they were frightened by the disruption of their ordinary lives, or that they rued the economic loss of a herd of swine, or that simply as ungodly people they did not want the presence of a power Higher than they in their midst. In any event, they bid the Son of God to leave them.

"Fools" we snort and then continue on to Matthew 9. But are we truly any better? When God reveals His power or His authority to us, how do we respond? Do we stop to listen to Him, to amend our lives, to seek His forgiveness? Or do we, like them, because it is inconvenient or economically disruptive (more true than we care to admit) or emphasizes the sin we do not want to part with, beg Jesus to depart from us as well?

There is a post script here as well. The main speaker of the two (at least) who Jesus cured wanted to follow Him (Mark 5:19) but Christ denied Him, saying "Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you." Even after rejection Christ's compassion for the lost still showed through.

He is still moving in our lives, still having compassion on us. Do we hear Him as well, or are we too busy watching the swine herds of our lives plunge over the cliff and being more concerned for the loss it represents to us than His power and forgiveness of our sins?

Friday Thought

"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory." - George S. Patton

Believe in Me?

Am I capable of doing anything right?

I talked through my epiphany yesterday morning to Fear Beag and Fear Mor at work. Both of them came back with the same conclusion that I did: yes, they could see the intellectual implications of needing to believe one could succeed in a potentially failing situation but could not see any more than I a way to reconcile the two different poles.

I have been trying (as part of my New Year resolutions) to make a habit of doing some success-based literature reading every morning. Recently this has been Jeffrey Gitomer's The Little Red Book of Selling (via a kind loan by Otis). In reading this morning, which was re-reading yesterday morning, the question of believing in yourself came up, of believing that you are capable, that you can actually succeed (Gitomer eventually extends this into his concept of "YES" attitude).

Which brought me to the question above: Am I capable of doing anything right, or more correctly, do I believe am I capable of doing anything right?

It's self belief, something which I gather I've always had problems with as a Christian balancing between the fact that the heart is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9), esteeming others better than yourself (Philippians 2:3), and acknowledging the fact that God has created me as a unique being with gifts and talents. The outcome, I think, seems to have always been weighted to the side of "I'm not worthy, I can't, and I shouldn't try. That's pride."

But that's not really pride, is it?

It's (at least to me) always been a struggle to believe that I can succeed - not at things like writing or singing or beekeeping (If I can read it, I can do it) but at "larger" things, like career or job (or even parenting, for that matter). I could shrug it off on authority figures who have out ruled me, or bad decisions I made which turned out to be true, or my perceived inability to make changes. But in reality, it really comes back to the belief that "I can't" - I can't succeed, I can't make changes, I can't do what "successful" people do.

My next question: how as a Christian do I inculcate a proper view of self which acknowledges my place before God yet gives me the believe that I can based on what I have been given?

Schizophrenic Success and Failure

I realized yesterday driving home that I am caught in the midst of a conundrum at work: I want to succeed at my job, yet I have sincere doubts that my company will succeed.

Once this thought had rolled around in my mind for a while, I realized that it put in me in a interesting (and somewhat precarious) intellectual position: how do you truly try to succeed at a something you think is doomed to fail?

I say succeed because in point of fact, I've also come to the realization that my ability to set and meet goals is not good at all (in the vernacular, I "stink") - which is somewhat of an issue in my present position, as I am rapidly finding (two days into the work year) that I could easily be here another year and not get one step closer to accomplishing anything.

Which suggests, of course, that something has to change: either I have to change my opinion about the future of my employer, or work to find a new one. The difficulty there is that I realized that in fact, I have had this subtle backflow of believing my employers will not do well - could it even be said hoping they don't so I'm right? - is a theme that has been present for a long time.

Why? Why this thought that I think they'll fail, I hope they'll fail, and then the grim satisfaction when they do? Perhaps it's related to the realization that at some point, no matter how hard I worked, that I was never truly "moving" forward - not that that's the company's fault as much as my own, but I sought to affix blame (it couldn't be my fault) somewhere. Perhaps it's simply that I am not in the right industry, and so I subvert my dislike of what I do into wondering if the company will succeed.

I don't fully know. All I have come to realize is that I cannot hope to succeed and fail and the same thing and realize anything other than a schizophrenic response that keeps me running in circles.

Let Your Light Shine

"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven." - Matthew 5:14-16

Is my life shining before men? That was the question that came to me this morning as I was reading through Matthew 5:1-26. It initially arose in the context of my career, where I seem to find myself stymied and mired, feeling like I am spinning my wheels which leads to the incentive to not do much, which leads to me being not as productive as I should be at work.

The thing that caught my eye was the reason that we are to shine: not that it serves us primarily in any way but that it will bring glory to God in Heaven from others through what we do. The focus is not to primarily be on myself and my life, but on glorifying God through my life.

I realize that this is a relatively foundational level Christian truth and pretty vanilla-like in the context of spiritual truths in the modern world. But it seems as if it's one of the easiest ones to forget, at least for me. How often - often as in almost every day - do I wonder why I'm here, what I'm to do? Yes, it's perhaps not a complete answer but it's an answer, and if I can't do the simple things, how can I expect to do the big things?

The second thing present in this passage is the presumption that we will in fact be about "good works". One could fill in the blank here - it seems to me that part of what has bedeviled the Church is that so often "good works" are defined as a specific list of activities, and those which fall outside of them (typically charitable, not that those are not good) are considered "less good". But isn't part of good works doing "good work", work that is significantly better/more complete than that which the world does? In a sense we should do this in everything, because as Christ points out, we're really doing everything with two objectives: one the objective of the task at hand, the other the objective of glorifying God.

And look at the intensity of our work which is assumed: Let your light "so shine". Not just flicker, not just glimmer, not even just be present. Our light, our witness, our good work and good works are to be a blazing beacon to those around us - in the verses preceding this, Christ talks about His followers as "the light of the world", "a city on a hill", "a lamp on a lamp stand" - in other words, a light which cannot be hidden or ignored, a light which is useful by giving light to all around it.

Do I shine with that intensity every day? Do I do good works and good work not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of shining a lamp on God? Or when others look at me, am I a lamp under a basket consumed with my own petty struggles, of little use to anyone and not so shining to glorify God? Am I too focused on my life to let God shine through my life?

New Year's Resolutions

I spent this weekend working on New Year's resolutions. Interestingly, these were not as difficult as I had anticipated, which was both good and bad. Good, because it means that (maybe) I'm learning something about goal setting and how I work best; bad, because it means that I realized that in some ways setting goals is meaningless.

Meaningless you say? Yes, in the sense that we can set goals based on circumstances and things that are out of our control. If I look at my goals for the previous year, there were several that were centered around the assumption that we would continue to live in Old Home, I would have the same job, and that our finances would be the same. Obviously, none of that occurred, so to the extent that I set goals based on those circumstances, I failed.

However, what it did bring to mind is that I have the opportunity to set goals based on things that I can control: My time, my interests, my sense of what I am being called to do, the family and resources that I have been blessed with. Could these change? Yes, but time is time, my sense of being called to the things that interest me have truly not changed in many years, my family is not going anywhere, and the resources I have here now are (barring the collapse of society) not likely to go away.

Did I stretch? Yes - in someways my goals and resolutions this year are more aggressive than ever and will involve me having greater management of my time than ever, along with truly attempting to get to the heart of what is important and what is not. But in working through these resolutions and goals this weekend, what came to my attention is that time is continuing to march resolutely on, and the only person that is hurt by continued failure to move forward, make the hard choices, and achieve is me - and the calling and responsibilities I have been given by God. The time will pass - it's how I'm using it that matters.

Or as Musashi said, "Do nothing that is of no use."

The New Year with Musashi

"This is the Way for men who want to learn my strategy:

1) Do not think dishonestly.
2) The Way is in training
3) Become acquainted with every art.
4) Know the Ways of all professions.
5) Distinguish between gain and loss in worldy matters.
6) Develop inituative judgement and understanding for everything.
7) Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
8) Pay attention even to trifles.
9) Do nothing which is of no use.

- Miyamoto No Musashi, A Book of Five Rings, The Ground Book.

A Thought on the Role of Religion in Civilization

"The truth, however, is clear from his Enquiry: Even before coming to India (William) Carey had understood that nothing but the Gospel could dispel the social darkness of India. Carey knew the Gospel to be the only effective antidote to social evils. This conviction sustained Carey's chief labor: to make the Bible available to the Indian masses in their own language.

It is worth repeating: Our mistake today is that some who believe the Gospel look upon it merely as a means of private salvation, for going to heaven. They do not seem to realize that the gospel is the God-given "public truth" - the means of organizing a decent society. Therefore, their faith becomes privately engaging but publicly irrelevant. On the other hand, those "Christian" activists who not believe the basic truth of the Gospel, that Jesus Christ died and rose again for our sins, attach themselves to ideologies that are most popular in their day....

Unfortunately, many Christians today who are sincerely trying to serve society are oblivious to the power that God has already given to us to dispel darkness. They tend to put their hope for social change primarily in their own projects....

Why have we sunk to this level? I suggest that we have done so as a result of the materialistic presupposition of our age. Since the time of Karl Marx, many have assumed, often unconsciously, that material reality is basic and that the moral/intellectual/spiritual aspects of reality are secondary - that they are mere by-products of economic reality. Carey, on the other hand, believed that the real battle is in the mind. False beliefs lead to wrong behavior and harmful culture. Therefore, Carey strove to fill the Indian mind with the truth of God's Word. That, he understood, was conversion - the cornerstone in the task of civilizing."

- Vishal and Ruth Mangalwadi, The Legacy of William Carey: A Model for the Transformation of a Culture, pp. 129-130.

That Was The Year That Was

And so another year - indeed, another decade grind to an end. I sit here in New Home as I write this evening, the sound of fire crackers punctuating the windy, cold evening silence.

And what a year it has been: laid off in January, getting a new job in a new state in June, living alone until August, moving the family to New Home in August, selling the house in Old Home in December. Almost entirely in a single year, the warp and woof of my life has been completely altered in ways that I suspect will only make their impact known in the years to come looking back.

A humbling year as well. I have never been in the position of losing my job not by choice, nor of the futility of not having another one just "pop" into place - indeed, almost feeling like one was begging to get one. It was humbling as well to have to rent a room, living in a space that was not in anyway my own, away from my family for 2.5 months. And the whole house sale - being completely dependent on the bank to make their decision to allow the sale of my house to go through -was not only a good reminder of the Biblical adage "The borrower is the slave of the lender" but, again, a humbling experience of coming with hat in hand.

It is of passing note for introspective purposes that in fact our net worth is actually less than when we entered this decade. Even in the financial realm, it's as if a great wave washed through and washed out the last ten years.

A great wave. It's an apt metaphor perhaps for the Greatest Wave of all: The Sovereignty of God.

Because, deep down, I am forced to confront the fact that in spite of all that I have done and not done, of the errors created and successes achieved by me, all of this has occurred according to God's plan. I cannot see it, nor can fully ascertain (if I ever will be) what all has occurred.

But it does give some comfort that, surrounded by change in virtually every aspect of my life, that God is still in control of this as well, guiding things for His eternal glory and my temporal benefit, even if I cannot see it. And it fills me with a sense of anticipation for next year, to see why God brought us here and disrupted (from a human standpoint) our lives.

And I suppose that is not an entirely unfitting thought to end the 2009 blog year - a year of change but a year of God's sovereignty revealed.

Bookstore Bonanza

Yesterday evening I did what for me is the equivalent of binge drinking: I went to a used book store having a 20% off sale by myself, with no timetable.

Dear Lord, the intoxication of it all.

I have reached the point at which used bookstores hold a greater hold on me than new bookstores. Why? One of course is price: a used hardcover can be had for $6.00? $7.00? Try that at a new bookstore.

The other - and perhaps the more engaging reason - is that it's a great adventure. I can pretty well predict what I will find in any new bookstore; used bookstores, not so much. Who knows what editions I will find, what off the wall subjects I will suddenly become interested in, what old books from 30 years ago I will suddenly remember by seeing a cover and triggering a memory? The voyage of discovery alone is worth it.

And 20% off? Try that at a new bookstore.

I ended up acquiring my usual miscellany of subjects: Lew Wallace's Ben Hur, Japanese Fortified Temples and Monasteries, Osaka 1614-1615: The Last Samurai Battle, Writing the Breakout Novel by Donald Maass, The Japanese Art of War by Thomas Cleary, and The Legacy of William Carey: A Model for Transformation of a Culture by Vindal and Ruth Mangalwadi. It will keep me busy over this long holiday weekend with a lot of reading and pondering.

There is not a better feeling in the world than walking out to the car with a pile of books you paid only $26.00 for.

Except for the thought, "You know, the sale runs until tomorrow..."

Virtual Monday

So it's arrived: The virtual Monday of the last work week of the year.

I could tell I was back by the fact that my ability to sleep through the night magically went away and I woke up far before the alarm instead of gracefully coming out of sleep.

In a way, I can tell my time away was a good one simply because I did not think of work once. Not a single time - no "I forgot to take care of this" or "There are five things I have to do when I get back". Which is great for vacation of course - but it all comes rolling down on your head all the harder when you get back.

Which, I suppose, should tell me something else.

I read Gene Logsdon's The Last of the Husbandmen: A Novel of Farming Life which I got for Christmas yesterday. I love anything that Logsdon writes so that alone was a pleasure; the fact that the book chronicles the fictional life of a young man who essentially comes back to traditional farming as a career and the life he and his extended family live over a forty five year period. There is something in reading his books, even in going up to The Ranch, that gives me a deep sense of rootedness that I fail to get when I contemplate leaving this computer and getting ready to go to work this morning.

Just random thoughts on a virtual Monday I suppose. But the thought still nags me: in the past decade, I've had 6 different jobs, bought two houses and sold one at a loss, and now lived in four different locations. For guy that (apparently) values rootedness and stability, I don't seem to be living my conviction.

Old Home Farewell

On 24 December 2009 at 1030, I left the last part of 5 years of my life behind. We packed up the last garden items into the truck and left Old Home for good. The house recorded later that day.

It was a bizarre feeling: we walked through the house one last time, where 4.5 of our lives had been spent. Going through sparked different memories: a spirograph that Nighean gheal had left on her window when we moved; the dirty spot right above the baseboard in our closet where my desk was and where I rested my feet; the bedroom that I had painted and then told The Ravishing Mrs. TB "You watch - we'll have to move out of state; the asparagus in back, dormant for the winter, waiting to be cut back and then be cut in spring for the first time. All of this mingled in the background of family events and Thanksgivings and Christmases and Nighean dhonn's birth, loomed over by the specter of The Firm, which had made it all possible.

And so out the door we went, shook hands with our Realtor, got in the truck, and drove away.

I've been asked numerous times since then "You must feel a great sense of relief". My response is always the same: "Not really. It's been so distant to me for so many months now, sort of dragging on out of my control, that it's less a sense of relief than a sense of 'one more thing off the list.' As an event, it simply is not registering."

But there is a sense I suppose - a sense that is not quite fully registered yet - of finally being at an end: an end of The Firm, an end of 5 years of self-imposed financial instability, an end (if I think about it) of a period of whipsawing back and forth between careers and directions. 2010 will be, if nothing else, a year of new beginnings.

And perhaps that in itself is a reason for rejoicing.

Passionlessness

I am fighting with a bout of passionlessness this week.

About everything: work, home, family, relationships, activities, just life in general.

Let me clear: it is not depression - or at least, not directly. It's a sense of doing things - anything- and taking no pleasure about it.

It is what drives mid life crises, I thing: a combination of realizing that the payoff to almost everything we do in our day is much less than we thought it would be, a knowledge that the things that we believed when younger which we would have turned to to stave off these feelings will not change things significantly as we used to believe they would, but the desire to feel about the things in our life the way we used to.

I am realizing that I want to be passionate in my life. I want passion: raw, throbbing passion. I want to be excited about life, not simply existing in it from day to day. I want to be enthused, to be touched in the deep core of my being instead of just exist from day to day on the outskirts of myself, going through the motions of daily living .

It's as if I feel like I am disconnected from my own emotions, that they have gone into some big void in my center and have not come out, replaced by the ability to get through each day - maybe even a defense mechanism created by these same emotions to deal with the fact that they lament where I am in my life now.

But passion is not emotion. I can still experience emotion - more often anger or depression than anything else these days - without any greater sense of being passionate after the fact. In some ways it almost feels like an semi-automated response.

But it's a fair statement to say I have no desire to go on this way. It's like digging through the rind of an orange which only seems to continue to get thicker every day without getting to the fruit.

Again, I think it is was drives the middle age crisis - especially for men: that grasping after something, maybe indefinable for them, that they felt the experienced once but can no longer feel, and the desperation to do anything - anything!-to find that passion once again.

The House

We got word today: House in Old Home will close on Thursday. An ironic Christmas present?

Ironic? Yes. This is forcing me to confront (once again) all of my old ghosts from The Firm.

Simply put, this was not the way things were supposed to end. This house was emblematic of my new career and new started: the house (paid off by now, of course, due to superior planning), a successful fellow in my new field, well on my way to achieving financial independence.

Needless to say, things have taken a different path. As a point of comparison, our net worth now is less than it was 10 years ago.

I just feel...spent. Collapsed. Happy...Happy? Happy is not really the word. Not even relief, I suppose - just a weary sort of sense that it's done. At last. A tired end to a five year saga.

What happens now? I don't really know. I have been consistently shocked by the amount of damage my unemployed period did to our finances. I had thought that it was blip in our year; the reality is, we had redlined things so much that it will take us far longer than I had anticipated to dig ourselves back out.

Another house? I laugh to myself. I figure at this point, my credit is somewhere next to that of a change machine in a supermarket.

Which is an odd place to find myself again. It's as if the one thing that I have desired, stability, has been moved out of my life.

Or pride perhaps. Going through this process has been a humbling experience - although probably not humbling enough! You become dependent on so many things: the buyer, the bank, the kindness of so many that have helped this process go through.

I'm undecided if I'll go back to see the house one last time as we visit Old Home this Christmas. In so many ways, it represents a failure to me - not only a failure to hold the line, to provide, but a failure of dreams and aspirations.

And those are the hardest failures of all.

Christmas Again

And so here we are at the week of Christmas again.

In speaking with The Ravishing Mrs. TB this weekend as she made her trek back to Old Home, she commented that she would be driving by where we vacationed last January and could she Na Clann the area we were in. Her comment was "Wow, a lot has sure changed in a year."

Her comment gave me pause for thought as I sat here in New Home with myself, the dog and the rabbits, waiting to trek myself. A huge amount of things have changed this year - if we're blessed, by the end of the year our lives will essentially have completely made over in the course of a year.

Made over? We live in a different place, attend a different church and different schools, have a different job, are separated from our families which for most of our lives have been within 2 hours of us, and are (finally) digging out of the last elements of a decision with the Firm made 5 years ago.

And then comes Christmas.

Christmas, the annual of reminder of Emmanuel (God with us), God reaching down from Heaven to us, reaching us where we are.

Where we are. Even if we're not where we've been, even if the rhythm of our celebrations is completely changed, even if it doesn't "feel" right.

It's a guide beacon for the year, even as Sunday is a guide beacon for the week: a place and time that brings us back to something beyond ourselves, forcing out the year and its events back to the back of our consciousness for a time, forcing us to focus on the realities which exist beyond those things which are our daily (or annual) grind.

May this Christmas find each of us stopped in our lives, even as the shepherds were, looking at The Star.

Idleness

"I do think one of the worst sins a man can be guilty of in this world is to be idle. I can almost forgive a drunkard, but a lazy man I do think there is very little pardon for. I think a man who is idle has as good a reason to be a penitent before God as David had when he was an adulterer, for the most abominable thing in the world is for a man to let the grass grow up to his ankles and do nothing. God never sent a man into the world to be idle. And there are some who make a tolerably fair profession, but who do nothing from one year's end to the other." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Star Trek and Better

I watched the most recent addition to the Star Trek last night which came out this year. I was not necessarily interested in seeing it - I am a child of the original series, so of course everything that thinkers with the original concept is always a bit suspect in my book -but none the less (at The Ravishing Mrs. TB's prompting) went ahead and watched it.

How pleasantly surprised I was - beyond the effects (which were very cool), I found a relatively engaging story that was (I think) pretty true to the original concept of the franchise. Yes, I know, they've overused the time travel thing a bit, but at least less so than they did in the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.

But the thing that was most engaging to me - almost surprisingly - was the concept of James T. Kirk as a young man who, wandering off into the land of wasted dreams, is challenged by Captain Christopher Pike to live a better life "Your father saved 800 lives. You can do better."

It had a strong resonance within me, especially as I look at my day to day existence, where (especially at work) I can almost palpably feel the bar setting getting set lower, as the realities of completing things seem to take over those "lines in the sand" that I continually draw. It's as if I am settling lower, not higher, in my daily existence.

But I should tell myself with Pike "You can do better."

Fog

I wish I had something meaningful to say, Lord:
Something of value, something of glory to you.
But instead, today, I have gray.
Big puffy clouds of gray that swirl with moisture and humidity,
or maybe with my tears and frustration.

That's what it feels like, Lord: A fog.
A sightless, amorphous fog
which obscures shapes and clouds vision,
deadening sound and light,
leaving only a sense of oppression of spirit.

As the sun behind the clouds,
shining though not seen,
so too are you here now Lord,
are present behind all that is now.

But right now, I cannot see or feel that:
I can only feel the clinging dampness
and smell the mustiness
and see, not the Son shining in glory,
but only gray.

Integrating the Whole

I'm locked in a battle this morning as I sit here this morning: on the one hand, the load of all I have to do this week is mounting up; on the other, the sense that I need to choose to react differently.

React differently? By the time I get to work, get the computer on, and make coffee, the fix is generally already in: too much to do, too little time to do it, what won't I get done today, what emergencies will occur, how long will I have to stay. And I haven't yet logged in.

What that creates, it occurs to me, is a sense of futility in work (and to a lesser extent, in life) as well as preparing my mindset to be in the defensive mode. What I need to do is change that to something else (I won't be bold enough to say positive at this point - just something else).

So here's the crux: how do I do that?

I can assure you that PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) is not enough. That has been tried numerous times, and inevitably gets wiped out as soon as the first big emergency occurs.

Scripture works better - maybe holds out until Tuesday, until it, too, gets overtaken by the realization that trying to have an attitude as a good worker does not make the work any more interesting or even doable.

So what is it? I think I know.

Perhaps it is simply the process of not investing ourselves so totally in our work that we only come to confuse our work with our lives.

By the time I am midway through the day, I am equating myself with my ability to complete everything on my plate. My whole world is essentially focused around this sliver of life (I say sliver because, when I go [as inevitably will happen], all the effort that is not self knowledge will simply turn to paper dust) instead of life as a totality, an integrated whole.

And I want that so badly - that life as an integrated whole - that perhaps I try to substitute the activity that I spend the most time at as that integration instead of putting work into the larger context of my life.

Wow. That's a pretty deep thought for 0600 in the morning.

But that's it, isn't it - or maybe part of it anyway. An integrated life. A sense that who I am and what I do are internally consistent, instead of trying to straddle parts and collapsing into the middle.

So how does one integrate - or in my case, step away from the cliff?

Time and Money

I had mentioned last week that I have been working more - closer to 50 hours a week than the standard 40 - and feeling a bit run down, behind the eight ball, and just downright miserable - but after all , you have to do it: you know, take one for the team, not getting paid by the hour, etc. etc.

It bothered me to the point that I started noodling figures around in my head. So I did a little subtracting and dividing. And gave myself the shock of my life: for every week I "donate" my time, I cut my hourly pay and salary by 21%.

I say the shock of my life. I mean it. If someone came up to me and said "Hey, I have an investment that will yield 21% less than what you put into it" I'd call them a fool. Apparently when I do the deed myself, it's no big deal.

The other thing that shocks me is that I willing to put 20% more effort into someone else's pocket but not my own. What is it about me that enables me to not do the one instead of the other?

Confidence maybe. Ease of taking the road more traveled: work is laid out and I know what I have to do. Personal things engage me 100%, including providing leadership and tasks for myself (which again is a confidence thing: if you're not confident you can make good decisions, you tend not to make them).

I'm not sure, but this bears more thought -and action. Donating 20% of my potential salary to someone else will run my bank account - and personal energy account - down quickly.

The Telltale Coffee

Yesterday I came up with the single greatest indicator of how any company truly functions. I believe it can be applied across the board to any company, any industry, any size.

It's coffee.

More specifically, it's the coffee supply, be it in a pot, a carafe, or an airpot.

How can this be, you ask? How can a simple liquid in a simple container tell me everything I need to know about a company?

It's how often it gets filled.

Think about it. What did you learn in kindergarten (I mean, other than naptime is at 1:00)? The lessons that were reinforced at home: If you use something, put it back. If you make a mess, clean it up. Treat others as you would be treated.

But this rule apparently does not apply to coffee.

Think about it: how many times have either come to a coffee dispenser or simply watched one and found that it was empty? What was the reaction of the user - did they stop and make another pot, or did they just continue down the line of coffee dispensers (finding them all empty), shrug their shoulders in disgust, and walk on?

More often than not, they walked on. Because making coffee is not something that "important" people do - and by default, most people in their mind are "important".

If people will not do the simplest of tasks (coffee, filter, water, button) - especially after they use up the last bit - they communicate both that their needs, wants, and goals are primary and that service which may not directly benefit themselves is not a critical issue.

Too simplistic, you argue? My response is simply to look at the business or place of employ: where is the focus of the employees? Is it on service - both to customers and fellow workers - or is it merely those things which will advance first the individual involved and then the company, with fellow employees or customers being last (yes, "service" can be included in here, but it's not sincere)?

Watch carefully. And then go look to their coffee pots.

Time and Priority

I met with An Dagda Mor yesterday concerning the task list I had provided him the day before. I was hopeful that it would allow some items to be removed from it, lessening my work load.

That is not what happened.

He first of all thanked me for putting the list together ("very useful") and then showed me his redline assignations of priority levels: 1, 2, 3. His comment was "Do them in priority of the number. 1 before 2, then three." He suggested a column for "action", listing what action would be taken. We talked about blocking out sections of time, even closing the office door to get things done.

You've noticed by now that nothing has come off of the list.

He then said a comment in passing that I just let lie there "You could also work a few more hours a day". He didn't dwell on it, I didn't point it out (I already work more than the standard every day), and we went on. I didn't think much of it until speaking with Fear Mor and Fear Beag, when Fear Mor said "I don't think that was an idle comment but a suggestion."

My afternoon went somewhat downhill from there.

Priorities. The priorities of life. The priorities that I set - and the priorities that are set for me. Time is finite and there are only so many hours in a day (24) or week (168) to accomplish anything.

If you're familiar with Stephen Covey, you'll know his four quadrant system: Urgent and Important, Not Urgent and Important, Urgent and Not Important, and Not Urgent and Not Important. Under this system, the priority of the item (urgency and importance) should determine what amount of time we spend on it. Covey's point is that the most people live in the crisis mode (always fighting the Urgent and Important) or the retreat from reality (the Not Urgent and Not Important). Only by pulling time from the other areas in quadrant II, the Not Urgent but Important, can we begin to be truly effective.

Which is where it breaks down for me. How do I tell people "Hey, your urgency does not trump my important. I'll get around to it". You know what happens: they go make commentary, and suddenly you're getting the call or the e-mail from a superior "You need to make this happen."

Likewise, how do you effectively tell work "Hey, my family takes priority" when the constant fear of not having a job looms over your head?

Like everything else, theory is great: how do I turn it into practice?

Time and Efficiency

A windy morning as I sit here in front the computer in New Home.

The wind seems to match my mood this week: blown hither and yon by elements beyond my control. There's a very real sense in my life that I am so often in very small control of events that impact it, and more often it's riding the waves rather than directing them that is the task of the day.

I know. This disagrees with most of the success literature you will read: "Control your time! Do high value items! Choose what you engage in for maximum effectiveness"! And so on. And maybe that's true in some things. But not nearly most of them.

I had to do something yesterday I have seldom (if ever) had to do: talk to my boss about work load, simply saying that "I can't do everything that I've been tasked with." I hated doing it - it's like an admission of guilt, of laziness, of failure - of putting myself one step closer to that line of being first in the event of a layoff.

But the reality is that I simply can't. Thanks to keeping track of time (see yesterday's post), I've got a better of sense of how long things take - and guess what, they inevitably take longer than someone thinks. However, I seem to consistently carry around this burden of guilt that I should be able to, or can - that somehow I can increase my efficiency to 110%, which I suppose I could do if I cut off every activity not directly related to accomplishing a needed task.

The ironic thing about that last thought is that even if I did that, it still would not necessarily correlate to efficiency. Why? Because I am still at the mercy of those winds not of my choosing.

And there is nothing sillier than being efficient at a useless task of no importance.

Use of Time

In an exercise partially driven by anger (look, there it is again) I started tracking my time at work. Nothing too complex, just 10 or 12 categories covering my general job duties. I wanted to have something to throw up the next time "how I'm using my time" came up.

What has been revealed is (to me, anyway) nothing short of amazing: I can't do everything I'm asked to do. There simply isn't enough time.

The thing that has really become evident is the extent to which those things which require time that you wouldn't expect. For example, I have a category for my direct reports. I spend about 5% of my time a week interacting with them: not necessarily about work per se, but about items of work or not even work related. Sure, I could gain back this 5% (2 hours a week, if you were counting) if I wanted - but I would lose the relationships that both make work a pleasure as well as keep the wheels greased for when emergencies truly arise and we need to call forth the extra effort.

Or the popular "other" category"- getting a drink, visiting the local restroom, even just getting up and moving around. Again, about 5% a week. Could I cut that down to 1 hour? Would it matter if I did?

What leaps out at me is that even as I look at my use of time, what I find is that time can never be used as productively as one might think when 1) You are not really in control of it; and 2) When you cannot dictate your own priorities.

"Work on higher value activities" the books say. This tends to work if you can determine your own higher value activities rather than have them determined for you.

The other thing it raises is that I may be creating an impossible situation for myself with impossible hopes: I cannot do everything. I cannot do close to everything. I can only do what I can do. More efficiently? Yes, possibly. But no level of efficiency will make all things possible, or doable - or more importantly, build the relationships that are the most important when those things disappear.

Christ and Motivation

Where is Christ in my daily life?

I get so bogged down in the "realities" of dealing with life and business - schedules and timelines that have to be met, things that have to be accomplished, even trying to get a decent amount of sleep - that it feels like He often gets removed from my life -or at least shrugged off.

I suppose part of it is my own problem - after all, am I truly trying to integrate God into my day and "Live for the glory of God" in a conscious way, or do I seek to put Him into the cracks or even try to integrate Him at all?

It so often feels hard - the slowing down of activity for even a second just consciously think "God, what would you have me do here?" Or then I just get frustrated with everything that is going on, somehow associate this "fault" with God's will, and say "Fine then, I"ll just slog on through", muttering "Glory to God in the Highest" through clenched teeth.

I try to make myself angry, because at least anger I can feel and it pushes me to do something. God wants me to motivated, but not angry. The problem is, motivation is a much more difficult target because I have to find something to be motivated about. Anger, I can self create pretty effectively.

So how do I compile these two items - living to glorify God consciously in my daily life, and being motivated, not angry? I don't know, but at these two lies the fork in the road between a useful life to God and a wasted life.

A thought: What if my circumstances have been created for me to take action and I misinterpret them as being given to me to suffer through? Does God always require submission to the circumstances or action against them?

Job Fear

Another blazing light in the trail of things that are/are not important to me in a career: I don't like living in fear.

Not the general fear of business, you understand. The fear of the market, the fear of not making payroll, the fear of being laid off (although see below). These are all just part and parcel of the whole employment experience.

No, the fear I'm referring to is that fear of not performing well and being let go. Not performing well? Surely you jest - after all, I've never had a less than good review, and am generally respected and liked by my coworkers. Surely I can't be referring to me?

But I am. There is a sense at my current employment, something I've not (ever) sensed before, of always being on the radar, of the good not being recalled and the bad being emphasized, of being one step away from receiving a box for your personal things. In a kind of small way, it feels like The Terror in Jacobin France, never knowing at what hour one could get dragged away.

But to be fair, maybe feeding into this is the fear of layoff. I am surprised at the visceral reaction I have to the concept of another layoff. I understand it could happen, but there is again almost a sense of sheer terror when I contemplate it. Part of that, I suppose, is due to to where we are, which is not in a nearly as good position as in January - and the ramifications of that. But the other is a sense of helplessness that stems from the fact that it may happen again, and I can do nothing about it.

So what? Well, I think it means that I need to pay attention to another two things when I am considering a job or any career:

1) What is the history of the company? Is there open communication? Recent departures? How many and why?

2) What is the state of this industry and the company? Position of strength or weakness? What do they do and is there a demand for the next five years? Have they had layoffs, or their industry? Why?

People or Position

I made an importantish (as C.S. Lewis would say) discovery yesterday about my career: I don't want (or need) to be a senior level executive.

(Yes, I know, you ask why I say this now in my lowly position. Stick with me.)

The realization burst on my consciousness yesterday as I was sitting amongst some coworkers at lunch, chatting about different items. Suddenly I realized: anyone above a managerial level doesn't get this.

They never get to eat lunch with the people that work under them - and when they do, the conversation is so often not free flowing but forced. They often really don't understand what is actually going on at a company: they set policy and goals, but too often don't have a pulse for what is going on beneath them, like living in California but not knowing what the slow but steady tectonic plates are doing underground.

Simply put, they just lose touch with people.

And that is actually part of my job that I like - not so much the enforcement that goes along with it, but the being able to stop by anywhere and simply have people be themselves as you interact with them, not suddenly becoming stiff or fearful or just clamming up.

Does that mean I don't ever want to be in charge? No, not saying that. I enjoy being responsible - but as long as I have the authority to go along with the responsibility. So being in charge of myself or a few others is not something to continue to work for - it's just where I do it.

What it does mean is that the idea of me continuing in industry with the hopes of rising to the senior "C" level is against the grain of what I value in human interactions and therefore not a direction to pursue.

Excellence

"Excellence, like mediocrity and poor performance, is a habit. Quality breeds quality. Do one thing well, and you will want the rest to come up to the same standard. Make habit of cutting corners, and you may begin to doubt whether you are capable of doing quality work. This is one reason why it is vital that you do your best, even if you do not view the work you are currently doing as important or meaningful. Once made, habits are difficult to break." - Laurence G. Boldt, How to Find the Work You Love

Excellence - a concept that transcends what you do, or where you do it, or with whom you do it.

And yet how seldom practiced in my own life. How often do I do something "with excellence"?

Excellence: The quality of being excellent

Excellent: Superior (archaic use); very good of its kind: eminently good.

(Both definitions from merriamwebster.com)

Part of the problem for myself personally is that perhaps I think that excellence should be recognized and rewarded by others. The sad fact is that in fact excellence is seldom rewarded.

But that's not a reason to do it - as David Eddings' character Silk says "Sloppiness makes bad habits". If I allow myself to be guided only by what others will recognize, mine would be a pathetic life indeed.

The one place that it may impact my life immediately is the excellence of those around me i.e. do I work in a place (or have I ever done so) where excellence was the goal? More often than not, I'm forced to respond that the answer is usually no; the goal was to do the minimum in order to meet whatever requirements were there. Has there ever been somewhere I worked where excellence was the goal?

Once. Long ago, when I was doing performance music as a part of a musical group. We expected that we would do our best. We aimed towards that and were satisfied with nothing less.

Possibly my first two industry jobs as well, where I was a manufacturing grunt. But that (as I think about it) was largely driven by my managers, who had high expectations. And maybe my first job after The Firm, where again my manager would have been the driver. The companies were perhaps much less driven than I thought.

But those are both long gone, 10-15 years ago. Since then, it seems that it has been a stream of companies (including The Firm) where excellence was proclaimed but acceptability was the accepted standard.

Yes, excellence is something that I need to choose and practice (and write more about, perhaps) - but what does that say about how I choose employment now, even as I start to work my way through my spot in life?

Swift

"Those who postpone the hour of living as they ought are like the fool who waits for the river to pass before crossing; the river glides, and will forever." - Horace

Two reminders yesterday -as if I needed more - that life is swift:

1) One of my old senior manager's husband passed away last week. He was 64 years old.

2) In Old Home, an acquaintance of The Ravishing Mrs. TB was killed in a car crash yesterday. He had five children, including a baby.

Swift indeed. Memento mori - Remember you will die.

Which makes living each day to the fullest extent possible all that more important.

Work and Despair

Wretched Songbird and Uisdean Ruadh! This is all their fault!

In a burst of epiphany last night at 10 PM, I think I figured out why we're here in New Home, why we picked up and moved halfway across the country - or at least one of the many reasons we did so.

It all started with Songbird on Thursday night. "I'm worried" she told me. "You're sad. I can see it in your writing. You're cyclical too. Maybe the big "D" word - depressed."

Depressed? Me? Other than the fact that The Ravishing Mrs. TB would confirm that in a heartbeat, and (apparently) I meet most of the criteria for a melancholic major depressive event (8 of the 9 items), I had no idea what she was talking about.

Depressed about what, I wondered.

Enter Uisdean Ruadh last night.

"I think I'm depressed" I said.

"Really? Odd, I hadn't noticed" he replied. "Give me some of the signs."

I went through the list. "You know" he said, "You've had most of those since I first met you 28 years ago."

"Your point?"

"You've had this problem for a long time. Trying to live the dreams of others, coast on the enthusiasm of others. Of all the things you've tried, there's one - your harp playing - that has always impressed me the most."

"My harp?"

"Yes, because it was the one thing that you did for yourself. No-one else was doing it and you decided to join in. You just picked it up and went with it yourself."

Silence from my end. "You know I don't really care for my career field."

"I've known that since you started in it " was the semi-smug reply.

"Kind of unfortunate, it being a recession/depression and all to figure this out."

"Yes, but tell me: how is your family life? How are you?"

"Not good. Not good at all."

"Then it's not really worth it, is it?

Compounding this sense of a fork in the road was a book that I picked up yesterday called "How to Find the Work You Love by Laurence G. Boldt. Yes, I know I always go bonkers over new books, but it came at the right time for me. Essentially, the book posits the truth that we will never be truly happy until we find the work that reflects who we are - quoting Aristotle, "Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation."

A few so far:

"Spending most of your life doing something you don't enjoy or believe in to buy a little freedom on the weekends seems a terrible bargain indeed."

"The individual who continues in work that he hates, is bored with, or is merely indifferent to, or who resigns himself to being treated like a cog in a machine loses self-respect. His self-confidence evaporates. He beings to feel bitter and resentful or beaten and depressed."

"We are not here to be someone else or just to be with someone else. We're here to be ourselves, to make our unique contributions to the world".

Yes, I know that this is not the end all/be all to my problems - but is it conceivable that, failing to get my attention any other method, God decided to uproot everything to make me focus?

Thanksgiving 2009

So here it is: Thanksgiving 2009. A very different Thanksgiving than one I've ever had.

I've had a few unusual ones. The year I was in Ireland for school and one of our fellow students organized a Thanksgiving feast (apparently finding some of the trimmings overseas was a bit of a task). The year we celebrated at Carl's Jr. on our way back from Disneyland (burgers are no substitute for Turkey).

But this one is different indeed. Different because for the first time, a family Thanksgiving is going forward without us - all the family as it turns out, as my in-laws are going to have dinner with my parents at The Ranch.

In a way it is very relaxing - very little to get prepared for. Instead of scrambling around trying to get things ready to leave, I'm lounging in our front room on my laptop, listening to Handel's Messiah, with a sense of almost relief. Syrah the Mighty has been laying behind me looking out the front window, but then abandon me as Na Clann came thundering through, hoping their course lay for the kitchen and snacks, then wandering back sadly as her hopes are not realized.

"Glory to God in the Highest" sings the choir as I write this.

It's sometimes hard to keep perspective on thankfulness, because I so often equate thankfulness with my feeling good and fulfilled. But we truly have so much to be thankful for: I have a job that continues to pay well, even if it's not what I really want to be doing; we have a place to live and food repeatedly on the table; we're all in good health; The Ravishing Mrs. TB is doing well in her business and will get to go to Mexico next year; Na Clann have good schools and have adapted quite well to New Home; we are attending a good church; it appears the house in Old Home will finally close in December; our extended families continue to enjoy good health. In a word or two, our lives have completely changed in the course of 12 months but nothing bad has really happened.

And that in itself is a thankful.

A Dream

Over the last week, I have been having a series of amazingly vivid dreams. Mine last night was so vivid - and might even mean something to me -that I am recording it.

For some reason, we were back to living in Old Home State but not Old Home - more along the Northern Coast. I was apparently supposed to be on a religious radio show, one that I recognized. I went by driving, consciously remembering not to take a bridge over a river (which was the shorter way) but drove around.

I arrived at the home of the radio host, which apparently was where the show was broadcast from. It was the host and three guests - one of whom was my current manager. I was surprised by this, but apparently he played the harmonium and so was invited.

The radio program went on. My role in it was subdued - I was asked a couple of questions about some general knowledge, and that was it. One of the subjects of the program was a boating association that maintained a series of houses and docks on the river, and how they were in the process of fighting a legal battle. I remembered the river, because over this river was the bridge that I had not wanted to cross.

During the break, we stepped outside (apparently it was a long break) to look at the mountain chain in the distance. The host asked me where my water supply was coming from. I responded that we did have to depend on runoff, that my parents were low enough in altitude for a water column. The host responded "Don't worry - someday, you'll have that too" or something to that effect.

Then back to the radio program, this time with a studio audience that appeared, but had no interest in myself or my boss, who sat overlooking the entire thing. We were sitting on what resembled a giant sleigh, and at one point we were completely packed in by individuals who really didn't seem to notice that we were there.

When the program ended, I decided to walk home. I was walking along suburban streets and came to the bridge of our discussion. It was built across one of the pine clad mountain canyons from Old Home that I am familiar with. There were low lying houses built on pillars connected by bridges, but I was actually on a large platform (brown, for some reason) with a small shed which led to a long green bridge and a green house and platform on the other side. The bridge itself was wooden and green, about 3-4 feet across without rails and fairly long. I started out on the bridge, got maybe 4 feet, then turned around terrified, feeling like I was going to fall off the bridge and went back to the platform - I actually had to pull myself up on the platform because of my fear of falling.

So I decided to walk home. But apparently, walking home constituted walking through a series of essentially closets, out into the homes of others, looking for the door to the outside. In some cases, their houses were located in the houses of others, so I would open a door into another house. I seemed concerned about worrying people as a thief but the few I saw just directed me to the outside.

Finally I made it outside with Syrah the Mighty, who apparently appeared from nowhere, and off we walked to get home. I was carrying a load of figs which I apparently picked up in some one's house. We turned down one street, saw a car, and had to step to the side, dragging Syrah. It was an overgrown lot with a tree in which the figs got stuck. I remember looking at the overripe figs as they hung there, thinking "I don't even like figs".

A couple walked past. It was an middle aged woman in a robe and hair curlers obviously upset, followed by a man who was apparently upset with her and arguing. I remember seeing them in one of the houses I had gone through.

Finally, by wandering of many streets, I made it home. The Ravishing Mrs. TB began to tell me about Na Clann's school day. They apparently got a new music teacher at school - my boss.

I went and asked him why he was teaching music. His response was that his wife had decided that he needed to do something with his musical talent.

And then I woke up.

Anvil bound

I am feeling the flatness and heat of God's anvil and the relentless pounding of His Hammer. This is not something that I remember asking for (at least consciously, like one of those "Lord, give me patience" prayers) - but then again, I have prayed for God to guide me.

It feels like I am being stripped away, layer by layer: all the things I used to do and enjoy, all the activities I was involved in, indeed many of the people in my life - gone. He is constantly pushing me back to core issues.

Money? Everything I dreamed off almost 6 years ago when we started The Firm has gone. Indeed, when I was talking with The Ravishing Mrs. TB yesterday her comment was "It's humbling". And it is. We are now, for perhaps the first time in six years, seeing our financial lives clearly for what they are.

Involvement? I went from being on the Worship Team of a small church and involved to becoming a member of a much larger church where, for the moment, I am a face in the crowd. Not that that's bad, and you can always get involved later, but it suddenly feels like my usefulness in God's house has abruptly ended.

Dreams? I don't know that I have any at this point. Everything I did dream about was predicated on being in Old Home, or on scads of money. Now both of those are far off, at least for the present time.

Activities? For having moved, I seem to have even less time, even as I am made aware of the fact that Na Clann need me more than ever. And time not being a fungible commodity, for me to do something, I have to surrender something else.

The most dangerous thing in all of this is that I settle for the idea that this is only temporary, always looking for the way out or the end of the trial: "Okay Lord, I've learned enough. Let's get on with the program." The reality is, when the metal goes on the anvil, it does not come off in its own time but in the smith's time, when the project is finally done.

Lord, keep me on the anvil until I am the project you envisioned.

Bondservantship

Between a series of circumstances and conversations, it was brought to my attention that my attitude and actions at work are hardly as Christlike as should be expected. I am somewhat slothful, bitter, and engage in forms of gossip, backbiting, and discontent spreading, all in the name of building relationships and being "honest". It's not Christlike - references include:

"Bondservants, be submissive to those who are your earthly masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; not as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God form the heart, with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is slave or free." - Ephesians 6: 5-8

"Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is now partiality. "- Colossians 3-22-24

"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of the consciences toward God one endures grief and suffers wrongly." - 1 Peter 2: 18-20

- and those were the ones I could bring to mind without trying.

So I tried today. I said nothing negative about anyone. When presented with work, I executed it to the best of my ability instead of complaining about the tasks. I made a real effort to constantly be doing something. I tried to not be bitter.

Was there a perceptible change? I'm not sure. How do I feel?

Exhausted.

Honestly, I had not anticipated h0w emotionally and mentally challenging it would be to not defend myself, do all that I was asked, and not say anything negative about anyone one or. The result was I worked. And worked. And worked. Which, ironically, is precisely what I am supposed to be doing. It's amazing how difficult it becomes to not defend, to say "yes" and nod and then go about it to the best of your ability rather than walk away and complain later or be negative.

How is it that trying to be more Christlike feels more exhausting?

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Message

Joseph floated into my mind last night. "Go look up Joseph in Genesis" was the prompting. "The chapter about him in Potiphar's house and in prison (that would be Genesis 39).

The original reason I had intended to go there was almost because of a counter-reaction to the recent spate of materials I've been reading concerning success and achievement. The thought ran something like this: "Hmmm. I wonder how Joseph, who obviously had access to any kind of literature about how to succeed, yet even in Potiphar's house and in prison, he did. I wonder if there's anything there for me?"

So I went and looked - but got the answer I did not intended at all. Essentially, the chapter says three things: Joseph trusted God, God blessed Joseph, Joseph was diligent ("whatever they did there (in the prison), it was his doing" - verse 22)- and the intermediate reward in both places was prison.

That's not what I really wanted to get out of it.

So I went and grabbed Joseph: A Man of Integrity and Forgiveness by Charles Swindoll and went to those two chapters for additional insight. Surely I had missed something?

Nope. Swindoll actually spends most of the chapters dealing with resisting temptation (Joseph and Potiphar's wife) and Joseph's faith in prison, otherwise known as doing the right thing and then being seemingly forgotten for it - and how he refused to be bitter, but trusted God alone.

From Swindoll's book:

"He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility (or having to be dislocate from your life -TB), but a heart that says 'Lord, God, help me now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this abandonment, this rejection" (pp. 53-54).

It's interesting to me that (once again) the focus is about God, seeing Him and glorifying Him, rather than the situation.

Hmm. Maybe there is a message there - as long as I'm willing to accept it as it is rather than try to pour my own meaning into it.

The Audit

Hello Monday.

Another Monday of client audits. If you've never done a client audit, they're splendid. They come in two varieties: the "We're here to dig through your systems and approve you" audits and the "We're here to find a problem/justify my salary/add notches to my belt" audits.

The flow, over 12 years, is inevitably the same: a brief presentation, followed by a tour, then hours of endless review of documents, then questions, then more documents, then a brief conversation concerning any deficiencies and promises "to respond within 30 days", and then the cleanup - of course, followed up by all the work that you didn't accomplish during the audit.

The worst part of the day is that post-collapse, when the auditor is gone and you collapse with a sigh around the table, hopefully having fended off any observations, and you realize that the very thing you often hope for - change of the system - will not happen once again because you have done everything to defend and explain the system to avoid an observation. It's as if by doing your job, you are thwarting the doing of your job.

My only consolation is that, having spoken with other auditors, it is the same everywhere. We all fight the same battles.

It's just that it makes the exercise of what one is supposed to do very hard.

Whose Life?

Whose life is it?

The question came to me last night as I was fussing about money and time: what to do, what not to do. In my planning and concerns, is it God that I am taking into account or only myself?

Hudson Taylor, the founder of Inland China Mission, was convicted by the fact that in the mid 1800's 12,000 Chinese citizens died every day without Christ. That number has swelled since that time - does it bother me the way it should?

Is it possible that all that we have been provided now is both a blessing and a curse - a blessing for what has been provided that is needful, a curse in what we have lost by following ourselves rather than His guidance?

How do I ensure that it is God's life Have I been used to being "in charge" so long that I have forgotten how? How do I live like the Israelites of old, looking to the cloud and pillar of fire, rather than to the times and the seasons?

Attitude, goals, heart - this thought affects none of those things except to redirect their guidance to coming from God?

Who am I serving this day - in fact, no just in profession?

I Have Decided

I have decided:

- that I will do instead of beg.

- that I will choose my attitude consciously rather than letting my emotions set it for me.

- that I will seek excellence in every part of my life.

- that I will do those things that I am called to do without thought to money or reward.

- that those things I choose to do I will be the best at.

- that I will mature, not grow old.

What is Attitude?

What is an attitude:

Merriamwebster.com: "Attitude: a : a mental position with regard to a fact or state; b : a feeling or emotion toward a fact or state."

I'll be honest - when I got the definition, I just sat and looked at it for a minute. That is not at all what I was expecting as a definition.

Two parts: 1) A mental position or a feeling; 2) a fact or state.

The language implications boggle the mind. Note that the mental position is "with regard" to a fact or state, while the feeling or emotion is "toward" a fact or state. There's a separation there, subtle but present.

Why? I think the reason is that the difference lies in whether the attitude is a mental position or a feeling.

A mental position implies that at least some level of thinking/reasoning has gone into the formation of that attitude (even if it's bad thinking). Feeling is an emotional reaction that more often than not is simply arrived at without thinking/reasoning.

The difference is that emotions can change with one's circumstances, physical state, or even the cast of the sunlight in a particular moment, while mental positions (if correctly done) are not subject to the vicissitudes of such events because they have been founded on a thought or reason which can discount the temporary circumstances because they are focused on the fact or state regardless of temporary interruptions or circumstances.

In that light, how many attitudes have I known - indeed, how many have I personally exhibited - that are based on feelings? How many of these were mistakenly believed to have been built on reason or thinking?

But that of course implies that the attitudes are arrived by thought and reason - can I truly say that I have made that effort in my life? If not, why not?

Heart in It?

In speaking with Otis this afternoon, he relayed a comment to me that Buttercup had mentioned to him after my visit this weekend. "Maybe", she hypothesized in that simple way that she often uses in her writing to cut to the heart of the matter, "he feels disconnected from his job because his heart is not in it. When his heart is in what he's discussing, he's passionate."

The next sound you hear will be that of my head hitting the keyboard at the revelation of a simple truth.

"Yes of course" I say to myself, "that's absolutely true of course. If you're heart is not in something, of course it is not something that you will be passionate about."

But the simplicity of the thought and the statement take my breath away.

When was the last time I truly had my heart in my job - indeed, about anything in my life? I'm ashamed to admit, I cannot truly think of a job I've held where that was the case. And in my life? The list of things is frighteningly small -yet interestingly, they are usually things I end up not doing as much because they're not career oriented.

It's been said that if you identify your passions and do those, the job will follow. I've heard it, but could it possibly be true?

Attitude

Quietly pensive this morning. A little bird at work (whom I greatly respect) wandered by and commented that the change in my attitude at work had been noticed, and not only by her. "You were on fire when you got here, and now you're sliding into bitter" was the comment. "Just so you know."

I've been struggling with that comment, all the way home from work, all the way through the evening, and all the way into this morning as I got up. I've been struggling with two things really: 1) When did my attitude begin to slip; and 2) What can I do about?

When did my attitude slip? I don't know if one can either relate it to a single incident or a general malaise. The incidents tended to center around realizations of my true ability to affect change and my place in the structure. The general malaise came, I think, from a general sense of combined fear due to the economy and seemingly constant need to fight rearguard battles and sell the need of what I do.

What can I do about it? This is the even more confusing part. I've tried contemplating just muscling myself over to a different attitude through sheer willpower. That didn't work. I've tried doing inspirational reading to jump start my attitude, which again did not have the intended effect. I've tried to sell myself on the concept of being a thermostat, not a thermometer. Again, my attitude kind of looked at the concept, gave a disinterested sigh, and turned away.

There is something down deep, below all this, that is waiting to be awakened. I can feel it. My frustration is that I have no idea what I can do to wake it up and have it last.

Training and Education

"Training teaches you how. Education teaches you why." - Jeffrey Gitomer

A gem from last weekend that I have been pondering, especially as a fairly large part of my job involves "training". We train for everything - train on documents, train on processes, train on training in some cases.

However, as I considered what we do and why we do it, I was suddenly confronted by the idea that training is a weak concept, especially for any person or company that seeks to be the best.

When I train on something, I am (as Gitomer notes) merely training on how to do something (presumably correctly). It denotes no sense of understanding why I am doing it, the implications for doing it, the history of where it comes from, or often the impact of doing it. It merely is the execution of a task to success. In contrast, education (in its best form) gives many of these things: an understanding of why I am doing it, the implications of doing it, the history of where it comes from (so often there is a history) and the impact of doing it.

The reality is, so often companies and individuals settle for training - the learning equivalent of "the quick buck". "Tell me", they say, "how to do this. We don't need to clutter the minds of everyone with the whys or wherefores (besides, they get easily bored). Just what they need to do and we'll be off." The problem is, this breeds a mediocre mindset, whether individual or corporate.

Because the reality is most individuals at best only want to be trained instead of educated (better yet, entertained rather than trained). Education calls upon us to understand, to contemplate, to engage in original thought to make those concepts our own. But as it often has no immediate payoff but often costs in terms of time or money, most individuals (and the companies that manage them as resources) simply try to do as little as possible.

Companies I cannot change, except to make note of those that value training above education and act accordingly. For my own role at such companies, I can engage in the practice of education instead of training in everything I do.

But most importantly for myself, I can accept the fact that I should always pursue education. Training has its place to be sure, but it is is a poor substitute for education. Education can subsume training, but training seldom subsumes education.

Am I seeking in my own life to be trained - or educated?

Time Out

I'm calling a time out until the end of the year.

No, not a writing time out (I don't think I could - I'd probably go crazy!), but a life time out. One thing that my fabulous weekend at Otis and Buttercup's made me realize was that I am clinging to a great number of activities and lifestyle things because I always have or think that it is something that I want. One thing that amazed - and surprised - me was how when I was relaxed with not a great deal to think about or really do my creativity burst forth. My journal is full of ideas and haikus, introspections and thoughts - all from a 3 day jaunt, but a jaunt where literally I had nothing to do except read, relax, and think.

Can I get that here in New Home? Not at the same level, of course - Na Clann and The Ravishing Mrs. TB are here of course, as well as work and church. But what does not have to be here, which I can put to the side, is the plethora of activities which I seem to need to drive myself to do.

So it's a time out. I'll continue do exercise of course (if I can get to regular exercise, that alone will be a victory). But the time in the evening will be converted into a time of reading, thinking, and writing. In line with my thinking that this in a great number of ways represents a sort of tabula rosa for us, I want to start 2010 fresh out of the gate with a clear and burning vision of what I am to be about. And now, I believe, I have the key to starting that whole process.

A Brief Update

A brief update as to the weekend:

- I had a fabulous time at Otis and Buttercup's, who were extraordinarily gracious hosts.

- It was one of my best non-vacation vacations ever.

- It was a great seminar - so great, in fact, I have been digesting it for four days.

- A lot to think about, a lot to do.

I promise, more to to come.

Arete

Arete - The Greek word for goodness, excellence, or virtue. Originally it was intertwined with the notion that of fulfillment of function or purpose, of being to greatest extent of one's own potential. It originally dealt in courage and strength, but was later expanded to include a broader range of concepts ( the Wikipedia discussion is here).

Excellence, simply put, is something which we have largely lost sight of. It's something that individuals, organizations, and companies proclaim as their end goal, but fail to back up with words and deeds.

How did we lose this quest for excellence? More importantly, how did I lose this quest?

It starts from two roots: one, when we surrender our own personal quest to achieve excellence because it doesn't immediately provide gratification in a way that we often see those around us enjoying; two, when we realize that if we aspire to less than excellence, the ability to move forward is increased.

Excellence is hard. It requires commitment to something often unseen, often unrewarded, and often contrary to a world where efficiency and urgency are rated as far more important. "Excellence is important" one will often hear; "but we need to be practical and get things done."

Excellence requires thought. It requires planning. It requires persistence toward a goal which is often unseen by others. It requires an unyielding dedication to achieve something which is of infinite worth though not of measurable value.

If I practiced excellence in my life, if I limited myself to those actions and activities where I actively sought to achieve excellence, what would my life look like?

When did I learn to settle for mediocre?

Out Otis and Buttercup's Window

Through my sleep bound eyes
Glistening in the foglight,
Sentinel treetops.

Five Things

That's my goal coming home from Otis-land on Saturday. I need to have five things - five things to do, or five goals in hand, or even just 5 things to change in my life. But I need five things.

This represents the possibility of a great sea change in my life: 3 days without work (but getting paid!), with a great friend, listening to a motivational speaker, then having two days of nothing but conversation, coffee, maybe a little outdoor hiking and used book stores, perhaps a beer or two, and the luxury of thinking through and talking out the issues I see in my own life.

I'm excited. I really am. I have high hopes for the results of this weekend.

Otis-land and Efficiency

So my weekend with Otis rapidly approaches. I'm very excited - mostly at the prospect of seeing Otis, but also at the process of clearing my head.

Even with just a Monday under my belt, I am already feeling the strain of the week. My days have come to be filled (simply) with too much work and too little time. And the work is not added to the special "projects" with which I have been blessed - I am falling into the strange category of having to be both a "working" manager and managing the extra projects to move us towards more efficiency, which seems to guarantee that I am good at neither.

Efficiency. There's a word I've heard a lot of recently, along with the it's sister term interchangeability. It is (apparently) the answer in today's world of economic downturn and instability, a sort of magical "let's make it so" word in which the solution to anything is to time more effectively on the important things (or have the flexibility to allow others to do it). The odd thing is that efficiency presumes well developed processes and no emergencies, which we seem to be sadly lacking in.

And so the trip to Otis-land is all that more eagerly anticipated. As I told him this weekend, it's not so much that I need to "do" things while I there as much as I need to get my head clear about a number issues. As I pointed out to a co-worker, in the course of 11 months I have been employed with a house, been unemployed, been employed in New Home separated from An Teaglach for two months, tried to sell my home, and had to move - it's been a bit of a year!

I keep trying to get my level of motivation up, but the reality is I almost always collapse in a heap at the end of the day, really feeling the urge to do nothing after being pummeled by projects and people all day - and in many ways, projects that do not have a long term impact on the lives of others, let alone my own life. I keep trying to put on my game face, yet continue to keep finding that my game face is not enough to keep me motivated to truly succeed (because I do believe you will only succeed in what you are truly interested in).

Two more days (he said, keeping up the mantra). Two more days...

Pretending to Work

So I did it again this weekend. I brought my computer home for work to "work".

I swore I would be diligent about it. "No worries", I told a co-worker, "I'll just work on things for a couple hours and be ahead." And, sure enough, it sat there in the bag all weekend.

Why do I do this? It seems to stem from two streams within me, one the rather shocking and simple fact that I am not using my time at work as effectively as I should, the other that I feel like I need to compensate with more "work" time.

The reality is this: it's not that I need to spend more time working on work (in fact, I should be spending a little less) but that I need to be more effective when I am at work. I keep confusing activity with action, or as one wag put it, "A rocking chair can move very quickly and exhaust you, but it goes nowhere."

One of the biggest confusions within myself is the role of relationships and work. I work in a position that is highly relationally dependent to be successful. The split I need to make is the difference between building those relationships and using them to keep myself from working on things I don't desire.

First things first: No more bringing work home.

Second things second: How do I change how I work so I don't feel compelled to do this?