Schizophrenic Success and Failure

I realized yesterday driving home that I am caught in the midst of a conundrum at work: I want to succeed at my job, yet I have sincere doubts that my company will succeed.

Once this thought had rolled around in my mind for a while, I realized that it put in me in a interesting (and somewhat precarious) intellectual position: how do you truly try to succeed at a something you think is doomed to fail?

I say succeed because in point of fact, I've also come to the realization that my ability to set and meet goals is not good at all (in the vernacular, I "stink") - which is somewhat of an issue in my present position, as I am rapidly finding (two days into the work year) that I could easily be here another year and not get one step closer to accomplishing anything.

Which suggests, of course, that something has to change: either I have to change my opinion about the future of my employer, or work to find a new one. The difficulty there is that I realized that in fact, I have had this subtle backflow of believing my employers will not do well - could it even be said hoping they don't so I'm right? - is a theme that has been present for a long time.

Why? Why this thought that I think they'll fail, I hope they'll fail, and then the grim satisfaction when they do? Perhaps it's related to the realization that at some point, no matter how hard I worked, that I was never truly "moving" forward - not that that's the company's fault as much as my own, but I sought to affix blame (it couldn't be my fault) somewhere. Perhaps it's simply that I am not in the right industry, and so I subvert my dislike of what I do into wondering if the company will succeed.

I don't fully know. All I have come to realize is that I cannot hope to succeed and fail and the same thing and realize anything other than a schizophrenic response that keeps me running in circles.