Adrift

Feeling lost in my life this week.

This schedule change for work has begun a process whereby everything has fallen into disarray. Part of the disruption of the schedule is that the carefully constructed way that I run my life has become completely unhinged. My body is trying to react to one schedule, my mind to another.

The schedule change has affected the way I work as well. Seemingly, this thin line has started to come between myself and my reports as our schedules now don't overlap as they once did. Suddenly, that difference between "bosses" and "workers" which I have seen on other places (and participated in) has happened to me as well.

Within myself, I seem to suffering from a personal sense of inertia that I wrote about yesterday. Simply put, I'm not really feeling the time or energy or enthusiasm to really do much of anything.

The problem is that I cannot tell: do I find myself bound in by fear? By depression? Or by some third thing that I cannot name?

I feel that I am flailing in my life - flailing for direction, flailing for traction, even (to some extent) flailing for meaning itself. Every direction seems to lead nowhere, every effort seems to peter out, every activity seems to be empty upon completion.

If there is a direction to my life at this point, a tack across the wind towards a distant continent - I simply cannot see it at this point. I just see miles and miles of empty sea with only a harbor I had known receding in the distance.