Vacation Views

So I have finally managed to finagle the photos off of my phone of my vacation.

I have been trying to figure out a way to organize or display them, as I was not always the regular photographer (The Ravishing Mrs. TB fills this role) and so there are some odd gaps in my photographic record.  What I have breaks down into 3 or 4 discrete areas and the random photos that seem to defy description.  To that end, I present (as the first installment) Vacation Views:  views of various places on the trip.

From Colorado:

From Wyoming (Parts of far Northwest Wyoming are very beautiful):

Montana:

Montana Tech, Butte:

From the town where we stayed:

And some of the views that are my favorites:

Madison Valley:

Jefferson Valley:

And driving home, a rainstorm in the Rockies in Colorado:

Intellectual Honesty

So during the drive home during the trip we had "The Conversation" - the uncomfortable one, charged with potential emotional potential and misunderstanding, that conversation that some many dread:

What did I think of the election?

Sigh.  I knew it was coming sooner or later.

How I attempted to approach it - which is how I attempt to approach everything - was not through the the lens of policies or personalities, which tends to be based on the emotions and presumptions of the listener, but rather through the lens I try to live my live through:  Intellectual Honesty.

I believe in intellectual honesty.  I believe that if you hold positions, you must apply them throughout your world view, not just to those portions of the world that you would like to apply them to - otherwise you are nothing more than a child of opinion, no better than the followers of the latest fad.

So I told them  "The question to ask yourselves and others is are you applying your beliefs across the board.  If you consider dishonesty to be lamentable and bad, do you excuse it in your candidates - or do you find reasons to justify it in your mind as being a different issue? This is the difference between those who are adults and those who are children."

Relevant example:  If you believe in the democratic process and the fact that the people voting should elect the candidate, then you as a Bernie Sanders supporter should have no truck with the Democratic party at this point.  I would not say whom you should vote for, only that you cannot support Hillary Clinton who was not truly elected by the voters for the election.  Any other course simply indicates that you have disengaged your intellectual honesty.  And if this is the case, you have no cause to complain of other failures in democratic processes.  After all, you have already conceded it is okay.

Or (to be fair to the other side)  if you believe in true capitalism (Freedom of Capital, best products for the lowest price) then you should question Trump's disavowal of trade agreements while supporting "Capitalism".  If you support true free trade, then to be intellectually honest you either do not vote for Trump or you have conceded that statism in economics - like they practice in China, for example - is okay.

Who am I voting for?  Not telling, of course - we are not political here and I am truly not sure.  But be assured that whomever I vote for, it will be as a result of attempting to be intellectually honest.

At least as honest as I can be given the current crop of candidates...

The Backup Key

During our recent trip, The Ravishing Mrs. TB asked a seemingly bizarre question:  "Do you know where the backup key to The Cabin is?"

As it turns out, I did happen to know - my father had told me earlier during the visit.  There is a two step process but yes, I said, I did know where the key was.

"Good" she replied.  "We might need to come up here.  The world is a mess."

My wife has never said such a think before in all our marriage.

I am as hard a Doomer as they come.  I have been seeing the end of everything - or at least the slow, gradual decline - for more years than I can count.  It is a combination of a rather pessimistic view of the world combined with a knowledge of how fragile a thing civilization really is.  But I have never expected to hear this from my wife.

There are a lot of practical outcomes of this in terms of preparation and lifestyle change of course, but that is not really where my thought immediately went on this.  In a way, it made me very sad.

We are in a transition phase - maybe longer than my lifetime to be sure, but a transition phase between what the world was and is to what the world is becoming.  And it strikes that if current events and ways of thinking and acting are any indication, it is not the sort of place that most people ever thought or imagined they would be.

A passing of innocence of sorts.

Which happens to all of us at some point, I suppose.  At that point, it is better to prepare for the worst and be surprised.

But always know where the backup key is.

I Am Back

So I am back.

It was a good two weeks.  So much happened in the intervening period time (to me - I am aware that significant events took place and are taking place even as I type).  Some of the highlights:

1)  Montana is insanely beautiful.  We spent hours and hours driving to and from and hit a lot of the state.

2)  We stayed in a place that was 20 miles in either direction from a town that had a grocery store and 90 miles from a "city"  with chain stories.  Amazing how little I missed them.

3)  Temperature was in the high 80's during the day but feel to the mid 40's at night.  Guess what?  I found out that I do not miss humidity at all.

4)  I had a great deal of time to think - about the world, about myself, about what I want and need to do.  Hopefully that will come through in the coming days.

5)  Yes, I am ready to move.  And maybe, I am moving The Ravishing Mrs. TB in that direction too.

6)  Most importantly (at least in the short term), I have a new job.

(Insert excited emoji here)

It is an equivalent laterally move pay wise (essentially they pay for benefits so that was deducted from my salary), but this will drop my overall income so less taxes.  Of greater gain is the change in title and environment (from Manager to Senior Director and at a much smaller - 20 person - company).  Best of all, it is half the distance and reverse commute so I estimate (besides halving my gas and maintenance and extending the life of my car 50% and thus avoiding a new car that much loner)  I will get 5 to 8 hours a week back in my life.  I cannot put a price on that kind of time.  And regular bimonthly paydays again as well, which makes for all kinds of excellent budgetary planning.

So to summarize:  I got a new job, had an amazing vacation with my family, and came back to only having to face two weeks at the current work environment.

God has been amazingly good to me and mine.

Fin de Siecle

Last day of vacation.  As you read this, I am probably rolling through Wyoming at this point headed home.

One thought that has occurred to me as I was setting this vacation up and then as events in my own personal life developed is that everything is sort of reaching a crescendo of sorts, a fin de siecle, an end of the age sort of thing.

Maybe not right at the moment I walk back into my real life of course, These things never come together quite as cleanly as we would like to imagine.  But there is definitely a sense hanging over me that the next turning is around the corner, that the last seven years or so have been a long transition, partially from The Firm but also from being buffeted in my career field to actively choosing my course in my career field.

I am excited about the other areas of my life as well.  The last seven years has been truly amazing in terms what I have attempted to do and learned to do.  Even within these areas, there is a sense of moving forward towards greater ability and (hopefully) greater autonomy.

I would not say that future looks bright.  I know enough not to say that.  But I can say that the future looks as good as it ever has.

On Fishing

One of my regrets is that I have never kept up with fishing as I might have.

I grew up fishing with my maternal grandfather, who was a mighty fisherman.  My earliest memories of fishing were in Montana, fishing for trout not too far from the cabin that I am staying at while we are there.

We fished for trout in Montana and for Bluegill and the occasional Bass in Old Home.  He would patiently take me out, teach me how to bait the hook and set the line (sinkers and bobbers for a young child), pull them in, and then clean them.

He taught me other things through fishing as well:  patience, a willingness to be alone and silent, of enduring until you reach the final goal.  Being responsible where you fish.  And fish as much as you need, but eat everything that you catch.

He tried to teach me how to fly fish but this was almost at the end of my fishing life and I never really took to it the way I did earlier. I drifted away from fishing after that as high school and then college overtook my time and interest.

I have never really been interested in fishing here in New Home; catfish and bass do not interest me all that much (and I am not really a fan of them, especially catfish unless blackened or fried).  But trout....trout is still something worth fishing for.

I have seen my friend Jambaloney's posts on his fishing over at Framboise Manor and makes me hungry again for those times of silence and patience and the possibility of fresh fish at the end of it.

Perhaps hungry enough to try and learn again.

Summer Humidity

The wind-touched tree leaves,

say "cool" but belie the hot

moisture laden air.

Planning Out The Rest of My Career

As I posted two weeks ago or so,  one of the factors that I have noticed creeping into my own life is a lack of continuing education on my part, largely driven by my distaste of aspects of my current career.

Which brings up a second sort of useful question:  What does my career path forward look like?

Belying my earlier post on robots, I suspect that my career field will at least be viable throughout my working career (in my world defined by another 20 years or so).  The rather unfortunate reality is that while I can improve on my current skill set and knowledge my ability to directly migrate over to a completely new career field (at least, one I would have to do rather than want to do) is rather limited.
I think I have one, maybe two more moves in me.  This is predicated on the concept that at least one of those moves would be for a career related reason and one for a final relocation reason (no idea what that would look like).  I am sensitive to the fact that in my own personal world we are in an era of transition: quite likely within 10 years there will only be two of us back at home. This creates certain options that may not be apparent now.

In the happiest of worlds (or at least the happiest I can come up with)  I have two more positions, each of 8-10 years, ending in some form of executive management.  I believe this to be within my power:  in my line of work (at least currently) experience still merits a certain level of respect and desirability.

If I start with that as a thought - and assume that I find two positions that I enjoy - I can begin to work backwards with the knowledge base and experience base that I would need (yes, it really is rather that easy). Throw in some language study (keep the options open) and I may have the hint of a working plan.

But what of Ichiryo Gusoku, my philosophy on living and sustainability, you might ask?  Legitimate Question. I believe that a plan of this nature preserves my options for this, assuming that (for now) I keep them in a tight circle around feasibility and what I can do given my location (Cheese and Garden Yes, Bees Maybe, Larger Livestock No).

I find it exciting, in a certain sort of odd way.  Having a sense of purpose and control can bring some level of calm to the chaos and inevitable lack of control of so many parts of one's career.

Differently

Sometimes I wonder
what I would have done differently
given the chance.

It is hard to know:
Would I have stayed as a Japanese major
instead of coming home?
Would I have stayed with my first girlfriend
instead of saying "Let me try something else?"

Would I have gone back to school a second time?
No school, no Ravishing Mrs. TB,
no marriage, no children.

Would I have continued to teach instead of
doing what I do now?
No travel, no New Home, no writing,
no iai.

Hard to know are the paths not taken;
easy only to see all the mistakes looking back.

Rise Of The Machines

One has often heard the discussion of the increasing attractiveness of robots in the fast food industry as the agitation for higher wages for what were once considered entry level jobs has occurred.    But in an article from The Burning Platform, guest author Fred Reed posts a rather inclusive listing of where robots currently are:

"Navy building autonomous sub-hunting submarine.Robots deliver food to your door. China’s use of robots set to surge. Amazon uses 30,000 robots in warehouses. AMBER lab robot jogs like human.Japanese farming robots.  Burger-flippingrobot. World’s first sex-robot. China’s robot cop. China’s road to self-driving cars. Bloomberguses robot story-writers. In theme park, robotsmake food and drinks. SCHAFT unveils new robot in Japan. Boston Dynamics has several ominous robots paid for by the Pentagon. Robot does soft-tissue surgery better than humans. Robotic KFC outlet in Shanghai. And of course everybody and his dog are working on self-driving vehicles."

(Add Amazon here is as well with their robotic warehouses)

But with all of those, I do not believe I have ever been quite as vaguely discomforted as I have by watching the video above. It is about 3 minutes.  Watch it.  And then give us 10 years, and tell me where you think we are really going to be.

The more futures I see, the more bleak they seem to appear.

Bastille Day

Prise de la Bastille by Jean-Pierre Houel (1735-1813)

Perhaps not unreasonably, I find myself much in The Storming of the Bastille, which is today.

I have a sense that we are moving towards uncharted ground, both as a nation and as a world.

I do not say this happily, by any stretch of the imagination.  "Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable" said John F. Kennedy.  But I fear that the combination of rhetoric and animosity shared (at this point) by all sides leads to nothing but sadness.

"Is it a revolt?"  asked Louis XVI the morning after the Storming of the Bastille to Duc de la Rouchefocauld, to which he replied "No sire, it's not a revolt, it's a revolution."

On Hiatus

Greetings, readers of the Fortyfive Nation!  As you are reading this, I am (hopefully) on the road.  For what, you might ask?  For family vacation.

We have not taken a true vacation as a family in...hmmm...4 years?  5?  We have certainly done things and even occasionally gone places overnight but have not actually gotten away in some time.

We are going to Montana for about a week overall, with two days driving on either side.  I am making the whole trip with Na Clann; The Ravishing Mrs. TB will be flying up to met us for part of the time and then fly back.

What are going to do?  Driving.  Lots and lots of Driving.  Museums.  Yellowstone, of course (very excited about that - I have not been in 30 years).  And seeing my parents.

Thanks to wonders of technology, I have decided (rather than break my habit of posting every day) to pre-load a number of postings for my absence.  No idea (at the moment) what it will be on, and it may turn out to be badly out of touch with any major happenings.  For this, I beg your forgiveness.

I am not sure of the coverage between here and there so any comments may take some time in appearing (again, your pardon) and I will certainly try and post if I get the opportunity.

See you on the other side of relaxation (or in my case, endless driving)!

So Close

So I think I am very close to an offer.

So close.  Trying not to psyche myself out about it:  be too eager, be too impatient.

And especially, trying to keep myself currently engaged.

I find my mind wandering a great deal now.  I am more and more disengaged from most of the activities that I am confronted with.  To be fair, my circle of responsibilities has continued to shrink until all I seem to be doing is answering questions and word processing.  Reasonable signs, I think, that my thinking on the matter is correct and the time has come.  

The challenge, of course, is not to act as if I am almost out of here (and pretty much out of here mentally).  To remain the hard worker, finishing the tasks set before me and planning for future.

Even as I patiently wait for the  world to change...

The Original Twilight Zone

Netflix now has the original episodes of The Twilight Zone.

I have only seen parts of them almost 35 years ago, reruns during the late night Fridays and Saturdays when nothing else on.  I vaguely remember parts of them, or particular episodes.  But I have not seen them since then.

And now I get to relive them in living black and white.

They are wonderful.  I have forgotten how wonderful they are.  Not just the visions they give into late 1950's/early 1960's society (the formal dress.  And the cigarettes.  Everywhere).  The stories.  That sense of old style science fiction back when it really something novel and new and unknown.  The ability to completely paint a tale of slight oddness in under 25 minutes.

(And pay phones.  That only cost a dime.)

And they make you think.  Every one I have watched so far has made me think.  As I was explaining to Na Clann, there was always a slight twist at the end, something that made you stop and take note at the end.

I would argue that it is so different from television of today, but in fact I have scarcely seen television of today in the last 7 years.  But my sense is that we do not nearly do anything as intellectual and thought provoking as that anymore.

Thanks Rod Serling, for your gravely voice and your imagination and your vision.

Volunteer Pumpkin

Volunteer pumpkin,

not knowing any better,

grows as if planted.

A Brief Meditation on Death

Death is much in my mind this day.

I have two people in my larger circle that are both dying or have died within the last week:  one an acquaintance from college I have not seen is 26 years (and would not have known about except for social media), the other one a coworker with whom I am somewhat acquainted with at work.  Both dying of cancer.

It is moments like these that tend to snap one back from the world that we all dwell in, the day to day matters which we get caught up with.  The minor power struggles, the tiny empires we build, the annoyances which attain monumental proportions in our mind.  Almost everything which, for me at least, my day seems to get caught up in.

I have read the writings of those who are dying, both at least on of the people listed above as well as friend I met through the Highland Games that I only knew after cancer had destroyed his palate and he could not talk.  Perhaps not unstrangely, their writings and meditations become largely free of the things we tether our lives to and become about mediations on life, their condition, or their loved ones.
That is about it.

How do I get that perspective now, while I live?  How do I let go of the things temporal and fix them on the things eternal?  Could it be as simple as mediation on life (God for me) and my loved ones (assuming condition should not be covered right now)?

Or is it simply asking the question, every time something comes up, "Is this something that will matter when I am dying?" and making the next move based on that?

"No Intent of Wrong Doing"

I have finally given up hope.  I really have.

I work in an industry where any attempt to destroy, hide or lie about information will be treated badly.  As a crime.  Intention has no consideration in that calculation.  Wrong doing - especially hiding wrong doing - will get you into nothing but trouble.

I have abandoned any and all hopes that justice is at all applied equitably anymore.

A Thought On Preventable Disease

So my father in law had his left lower leg amputated today.

It was not a total surprise.  He has diabetes (Type II) and had already had his lower right leg amputated 10 years or more ago.  Decreased circulation leads to increased risk of infection.  He had non-healing wounds which would not respond to antibiotics and so....

He came out of surgery as well as can be expected (for which we are all grateful), but the doctors are giving him even odds for healing.

As I mentioned, this was not a surprise.  He has not taken the best care of himself over the years, especially after he was confirmed diabetic.  He will admit it.  And the hardest thing in the world is having someone you love have a condition which you know ends badly and they will do nothing about it.

Is all diabetes controllable?  No.  Type I comes on with no help at all.  But Type II can be very much be lifestyle driven.

But so are other things.  Just yesterday, doing some background research for a job interview, I read (via Wikipedia, your mileage may vary) that there are 448 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections every year.  That is new.  Every year.  Not existing.  And, apparently, even one case of gonorrhea increases a man's chance of prostate cancer.

(I know - weird research, right?)

32% of cancer deaths are related to cancers due to (wait for it)  tobacco use and poor physical condition (obesity, poor diet, lack of exercise, overuse of alcohol - again, Wikipedia).

So here is my point:  we know what causes these things.  We know what we can do to avoid them.  And yet, we do nothing.

448 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections a year.  That works out to one in every sixteen  people.  Dear Lord, we know how these things spread.  We know what causes them. And we know very simple ways of preventing them.  We have within our power the ability to, by behavior, greatly diminish them within the population.

And yet we do nothing.

I suppose for some cases there is not much many can do directly, especially in poorer parts of the globe.  But we are the First World.  We are supposed to know better.

Why do we do nothing?  Because it is hard.  Because is means self denial.  Because it may mean living in a way radically different than what we expected or wanted to.

There are many facing health challenges they never intended.  They ate right, lived right, exercised, and the bad news came anyway.  My message is not directed at you.

But it is directed at the rest of us, those of us who know better and can do better and instead do very little.  A lot, this is directed at myself who knows better.

I know we have fantastic medicine and I know we are making progress in fighting all kinds of conditions and diseases.  I work in the industry; it is one of the reasons that I continue to do so.  And there are really serious conditions - ALS, Alzheimer's Lupus, all kinds of CNS and genetic diseases, diseases of the Third World like Malaria and Hepetitus and Tuberculosis - and even Diabetes  - that we need to give attention to.

Can w at least all make the commitment to do what we can to get the easy wins out of the way?

July4th 2016 - The Declaration of Independence

There are not a great deal of traditional posts here at The Forty-Five, but one that I always do is the Declaration of Independence on July 4th as a reminder of why we have a concept of  "The consent of the governed" at all.  The phrase "hat whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness"  has some special meaning this year.


When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained, and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the  conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776

The Awkwardness Of Imposed Work Culture

As part of the current job environment, we are going through a "Culture Change". Apparently The Powers That Exist have decided the culture that was here when they arrived was not conducive to the way they wished to redirect the company.  And so, we getting a culture makeover.

Not that I can successfully say no to their opinion.  The previous culture, the one that existed the first 5 years that was here, was abysmal.  Very top down, very argumentative, very looking for people to blame, very stuck on the privilege of executives to overrule.  No tears to be shed over that.

But the make over is all wrong.

The only way I can explain it is imposed culture.  Suddenly we have this team and that team.  Suddenly we have fancy whiteboards and more "cozy" places to meet each other.  Suddenly we are very concerned about the goings on in other locations right across the parking lot.  Suddenly we hear a great deal about making sure people are being used to the best of their interests and abilities.

It is all reasonable, of course.  It just does not seem real to me.

Culture is something that develops organically, not something that is imposed from another source.  That can happen of course (as it is here) but then one ends up with two cultures:  the official culture (the one posted on the website for recruiting purposes) and the actual culture, the one that lives on in cubes and work areas.  They can be quite different with their own sets of rules.

The official culture lives on, of course, and every employee will nominally adhere to it lest they be singled out.  But often such adherence seems to be lip service, the minimum we need to get by.  Change key personnel or executive management and the official cultures lapses, sometimes towards the actual culture - the one where most people live and spend their working lives.

It is awkward not only for the foreignness of it but also for the ambassadors for it. There is usually a sense that this "must" be adopted.  It can be said in the nicest of ways and with a great many incentives, but the bottom line is the same.  Everyone else knows what is going on.  Maybe the ambassadors do as well - but if so, they hide it well.

Am I advocating never changing corporate culture?  Not at all.  As I indicated above, some need to be changed and this is only done by individuals.  But the changes, to be successful, need to spring from  the actual culture (or at least be adapted from them) to truly take root and be adopted - otherwise, like a transplanted organ, they may be rejected at the first sign that they can be rejected.

Do you wish to make a different corporate culture?  By all means, make it - but make it in such a way that people engage in it, not suffer through it.

The alternative?  To have a corporate culture that will end up be a mile wide and an inch deep, ready to give way at the first sign of stress or opportunity.

Back In The Learning Again

So today I had one of those interviews that makes one scramble after the fact, thinking to see what one can do to move forward on it to get the job.  Good things about it:  It is a promotion, it is a greater area of responsibility, and it is local (which in my line of work do not come up too often).

One thing that moments like these do is make me realize that I have fallen behind in doing the study that I need to be doing.

If you are a long time reader of this blog, you know that I love to do a lot of very different activities.  I love generalization.  I love to know a great deal about a great many things.  But this falls down when I comes to what I do for living:  I scarcely have an interest in learning more except when it relates directly to what I do.

This contradicts one of my basic premises of course, that all knowledge is useful and can be related to almost any circumstance given enough thought about the matter.  You should think that I would have more interest in the larger issues that surround my income (and trust me, there are many avenues that I could explore).  But  I do not.

Why?  I do not wonder that it is somehow connected with the sense of distaste I have come to associate with my job, or rather with people associated with my job.  I do not mind so much what I do, but I often mind who I do it with - or rather, who I do it for.

Which is a bit short-sighted if you truly consider the matter - after all, people will come and go but the career field will remain.  I could have another 20-25 years easily doing what I am doing now.  So why am I not working to maximize those opportunities.

And so I picked up the texts again tonight.  There is no time like the present to begin working on the future.

Summer 2016 Garden Planted

So I got the rest of my garden in this weekend.

I have drastically (at least this year) cut back the among of space I am growing in.  This for two reasons.  The first is practicality:  With this space (the long strip in back behind the house) I can more easily manage it for weeds and care.  The second is financial:  I can easily water this strip (and with a little creative arrangement, catch my citrus trees as well) in one fell swoop instead of having to water multiple places.

What did I plant?  Beans.  Lots and lots of beans.  Some peppers (three kinds).  Okra. Corn (every year with the corn, even if I have not yet hit on the combination that will grow for me).  Some lettuce  some hot weather greens.  And Black Eyed Peas (which have already sprouted).

It is certainly not the biggest garden I have grown.  And (if pressed) I will confess I have limited anticipation of a truly successful harvest.  But this is an experimental garden in a number of ways.  The soil has been greatly overlain with the outcome of the rabbits cages (broken down wood pellets, hay, and rabbit poop) and I have more to add.  The area means that I can daily control for weeds and growth. It is exposed to direct sun for most of the growing day.  And the watering is as about as controlled as I can get it this point (barring an automatic sprinkler and drip sprinkler heads).

So I am hopeful, in nothing else perhaps that I am starting to work a little more towards a sustainable garden that I can manage.  If I can get to the starting point here, I can more intensely manage.

I hope, anyway.  If not, hope springs eternal.  And fall is not too far away.

On Recent Economic Turmoil

I long ago gave up any pretensions to predicting anything.  I have been through my own set of "The Sky Is Falling" scenarios which have seldom manifested themselves in anything other than my mind.  As a result of this hard won experience, I have been less inclined to give my thoughts on any such matters (or really, much of anything at all any more), content to watch and listen and quietly nod as other opine.

And neither am I an economist.  I sat through Micro and Macro economics and to be honest, all I really learned is 1)  what elastic and inelastic are; and 2)  The the modern economy is a very fragile thing, a thousand connections built in such a way that potentially a failure in one are will ultimately break the entire mechanism.

As a result of all of this, I do not really understand the financial shenanigans that have erupted following the Brexit vote.  I do grasp the fact that markets do not like uncertainty and there is plenty of that right now, but the loss of value - around the world - escapes me.

But I do get the fact that there are connections and implications.  I do not necessarily understand what is causing this, but I do understand the results of it - and none of them work out well for us in the end.

More practically for myself, market turmoil means less products from my company are being sold.  If less products are being sold, that means that that eventually our revenue stream falls.  At best it means that we will have a minimal bonus or maybe no bonus at all; at worst it means that a number of  us will be looking for jobs in an environment where a lot of people will be.

All of sudden everything takes on a new cast.  At work, I begin to carefully watch the activities of those around me, looking for signs that decisions are being made or signs are being given off about cut backs (having been laid off once, I am especially sensitive to anything that looks like management is tightening its belt - and usually that includes lay offs); at home, I begin to question expenditures - including my own - in the context of "Do we really need it?, of looking more closely within to fill the time instead of to without.

It is not that I have a sense of immediate financial doom; I have long ago given up on that.  What I am left with is that rather omnipresent sense of dread that follows one around everywhere, the sense that we are constantly living on a precipice.

And that one day we - or at least I - will go over.

A Little Gomez Adams Monday

You know, we do not do humor a lot here at The FortyFive.  A friend of mine sent this to me and I greatly enjoyed it.  So instead of everything that is undoubtedly going on during a Monday, both the  usual items as well as the continued activities from the Brexit, enjoy this instead.  RIP, Raul Julia

Depth of Soul

There are veins that run within our souls,

veins that if we follow them lead to either

the very depths of thought

or the doors of despair.

It takes strength to go deep:

to look inside a soul and see the failures,

the weaknesses, to be reminded

of every single thing that has ever gone

wrong.

To ponder such things; to think on them.

To wrap our hands into them and weave them,

warp and woof,

into a useful tapestry of our lives.

This is the challenge of depth.

Any fool can look into the mirror of the soul,

sigh, and walk away.

But only a person of depth can look into such a mirror,

sigh - and then continue to stare until the blurry

becomes clear.

On Depth

One thing that reflecting this week has brought to my attention is that I lack depth.

I lack of depth of knowledge - about my career, about my family, about my varying hobbies, even about God.

Oh, I have a great deal of knowledge, some of it rather detailed.  I study a lot of things.  I have a lot of experience.  But what I find is that I missing the depth that it would feel like such study and experience should bring.

Depth is frightening to me, of course.  Depth indicates that one is going to take a period of time - years, in most cases - to really come to understand a subject.  In some cases, it means sacrificing new information in exchange for concentrating on the things that are currently in one's life.

Perhaps make my Rule of Five started this process. For the first time in perhaps a long while - maybe ever - I have a road map of the sorts of things that I want to spend the rest of my life working on.  It is right there: the subject, and by extension the knowledge about the subject.

Take my career, for example.  I have done it over 18 years now.  But do I really know what I should know about it?  Or do I too often skate around the fringes, trying not to burden myself too much with knowing about something that I perceive as not being that relevant to my life?  (Except, of course, it pays for everything).

Depth is costly.  Depth means that investment - perhaps of money, most certainly of time - needs to made.  It is road of choices, of moving beyond the off ramps because the thing has not been pursued to its limit.

Rhetorical question:  What would it look like if I took the items on my Rule of Five and subjected them to a depth test, a listing of what I really needed to know to exhaust the issue, to become an expert?  Not for the sake of being recognized as such of course, but to truly come to a knowledge of these things?

I know the answer, of course.  Investment of time.  Investment of energy.  A willingness and a commitment to persevere until the knowledge is obtained, the expertise achieved.

Rhetorical question two:  And what would such a thing feel like, to truly know instead of knowing around the fringes?

Rhetorical question three;  If insane is defined as doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome, why do I choose to pursue insanity?

Open Hand

Last night at Iai we did open hand.

Open hand is the equivalent in our art of karate (which, literally, means "Empty Hand") and is the extension of our art into the realm of hand to hand combat.  The belief of our Soke is that if one knows the sword, one will know all other weapons.

So last night was open hand.

Open hand is largely blocks and punches and falls and locks.  Lots of locks:  ankle locks,wrist locks, arm locks.  Falls and recoveries.  Up and down,

As you can imagine, I am a bit sore.

It is good.  I love the ebb and flow of open hand.  Frankly (and perhaps oddly), I love being taken down for the sheer sake of learning.  I especially love being hip thrown - there is something above being flipped over onto a mat that is just mesmerizing to me, even after so many years.

It is a mental challenge for me of course.  Prior to 2009 I had never really performed martial arts and so the concept of engaging someone in combat is always a little difficult for me.  I worry about injuring others unknowingly or accidentally.  But this is part of training as well, not just learning to trust others but to trust yourself and to learn control.

When this publishes, I will probably be creaking out of bed in the morning and muttering about sore muscles.

I foresee a great deal of stretching in my immediate future.

But life is very good.  Martial arts has made a very positive impact on my life.

Being Glad To Be Small

There are days like today when I am glad I am small.

I have the sense that the world is moving quickly to a conclusion that does not work out well for anyone.  There seem to be so many places where one small thing - one thing - need only go slightly wrong and I fear the world as we know it begins to ignite.

On days such as these it is a relief to be small and know the problems of the world are not mine to solve - or worry on.

Arguably it is a humble life - and probably will be for the rest of it, to be honest.  In mapping out my Rule of Five for my life, I realized that I have mapped out everything I pretty much want to work on for the next 30 years that is realistic for me to do.  Remarkably, most of them are doable right now, just where I live. We could stay here and I could still make most of them work.

Our needs, beyond living, are few.  My wants are few as well - I have the "bigger ticket" item like I suppose most of us do, but mine are within the realm of reaching with a little economy and patience.  Beyond those, there is not much to want - except more of the time to do them and less overhead to pay for.

In such days, to be big - to be noticeable - is to be responsible for things beyond one's control.  It is to be higher up on the radar of others, to be one of the first to be focused on instead of one of the last.

Maybe tomorrow will ignite.  I cannot fully know.  But now I - for perhaps the first time, or at least certainly for the first time in a while - get that where I am right now makes my life both possible and attainable.

That is not a bad place to be.

Rule of Five

In my constant attempts to 1) Simplify my life and 2) Work on the process of goal setting, I have realized that I am setting my own bar far too high - not with what I am capable of, but what I can actually capable of doing within a year, my typical time frame.

What I realized is that I need less, not more.  I have been working on constructs to help me with this, so I came up with The Rule of Five.

Five things.  Five Areas.  That is what I am capable of working on at one time.  Convenient, because 5 is also the number of fingers on my hand.  Look at my hand, remember the things (I am simple that way).

For example, the Five Areas of My Life where all my goals fall:  Faith, Family, Financial, Fitness, Future  (the letters matching are not required of course, but make a spiffy mnemonic device).  Within each of these areas are sub-tasks of course - but I now have a framework to look at anything I am currently doing, look at my hand, and say "Does this fit into one of these?  If not, why am I doing it?"

Or the Five Attitudes I need to practice:  Godliness, Humility, Kindness, Self Discipline, Commitment.

And so on.

I am sure this idea is not new to me, as I am (generally) going behind others reinventing the wheel.  But what this has done for me given me a framework to attach what I should be working on in a way that always sticks with me and does not require me to be grabbing for a planner or notebook to see what is next.

It is simple.  And I am man always in search of a little more simplicity.

The Wheat Thief

Behold the Wheat Thief:

I may miss the wheat growing,

but I love his coat.

The Culling Of Facebook

So I am about done with Facebook. Finally.

This weekend finally pushed me over the edge - well really, this weekend and the political campaign in general to date.  

There is a perfectly legitimate reason of course - Facebook (and Twitter) have completely destroyed the ability to discuss an issue in a meaningful sense.  They have "dumbed down" the discourse of the day into - at its worst - 140 characters.  Hardly the sort of thing that makes for the society of ideas that we claim ourselves to be.  And rather amusing (in a dark sort of way) that easy connectivity has lead only to an inability to speak among ourselves.

But recent events have pushed it further - now, unless you specifically come out in favor of or against something, you are on the other side.  There is no more "neutral" ground to be held.  And frankly, the level of hate - yes, that is the word I used - has become unsustainable.

I suppose there are options, like significantly changing whom I see - but frankly that seems like a lot of work for not a lot of benefit.  Just easier  and more realistic to cut the cord all at once.

I will probably still keep it for a bit - oddly enough, for something that has only become a part of my life for the past 9 years I am surprised how difficult the concept is of quitting for me to warp my head around.  But already I am checking it much less than I was; very soon I suspect I will not check it at all.

It strikes me as a little odd that I consider life without the thought of seeing the so many I do every day.  But let us be honest - if 90% of the seeing is causing me more pain and anger than joy, is it really worth it just for that 10%.  

But the fact of the peace that comes over me when I think about it tells me it is probably the right thing to do.

The Silence

Silence is a palpable thing for me.

I write to you in silence now - not just the silence of a lack of noise with everyone gone, but the silence of a house with limited activity.  The two are completely different - the first indicates merely a lack of vocal activity, the second a peace that infuses the atmosphere.

There are no electronics on right now except for mine, no light except the one that I write on.  I can hear the chirping of crickets outside and the hum of  something electric inside, with the occasional sound of traffic flowing by. The only sound beyond that here is the click-clack of my keyboard and the swoosh that my feet make when I move them on the carpet.

Were I in other rooms, I could tell you the sounds I would hear if I were there:  the quiet crunch crunch of the rabbits eating their hay or pellets, or the louder crack of the guinea pig eating his guinea pig chow (guinea pigs are louder than rabbit.  I never thought about that before).  In another room, the occasional rustle of the parakeet as she resettles on the perch or moves; from the garage, the occasional cry of the male quail, confused by the light from outside, thinking it morning at 11 PM.  Beyond that, perhaps the hum of the refrigerator.

And nothing else.

This is a version of true silence, the silence I hear differently at The Ranch when I walk and only the wind blows throw the trees.  I can hear things there I cannot hear anywhere else; perhaps the same is true on a lesser scale here in the midst of urbandom.

It is this silence, this peace, that I treasure more than anything else.  This is rest and refuge to me; this is the thing I desire so much.  In this peace I can do many things and still be at peace:  practice cuts, pull weights, write, garden, read, pluck strings, think thoughts.

At this silence is my core - the inexpressible part of me that flows out through activities, that thrives (ironically enough) within the lack of activity and sound around it.

The burdensome question:  how do I take this silence with me wherever I go so that I can do out there what I can do in here?

A Giant Hole

This Saturday I tried an exercise I cannot remember ever trying:  I completely stayed in.

No trips anywhere.  No talking to anyone.  Except for a quick check on Facebook to see where everyone was, no current events.  No shopping.  No spending money.  Just me alone in the house.

The silence was very revealing.

Oh, I did things.  Cleaned the house.  Mowed the lawn.  Changed the quail.  Completed harvesting my garlic.  Read.  Watched some low budget movies.  Practiced Iai.

And was taken by the huge silence in my soul.

Here it is, the perfect opportunity, the one so many people dream about.  A day completely available to do whatever you want.  Anything.  No requirements on what to do or having responsibilities to complete.  Just time available for the filling.

And yet, nothing seemed to satisfy.

This got me to think as I was into the evening.  Activity after activity was engaged in and then stopped, trailing off into "I am bored".  It was if I was trying to fill a hole that could not be filled by anything that I had available.

What hole?  A good question, as I was not aware of its existence.  But as I thought about it, it suddenly made sense.  This sort of activity is not unknown for me and often represents my modus operandi:  get involved in an activity, follow it for a while, and then stop.  As if I had total lost interest - or as if I was trying to fill something up and, realizing that such an activity would not work, moving to the next one.

I do not know that I have a name for this hole.  I have ideas, but no names.

But now I have something to think on.  After all, it is not often that a heretofore unknown gap exists in one's life, one that is suddenly revealed to hold so many other things in its orbit.

A Heartfelt Plea for Salvation

This is not the post that I originally wrote for today.  I wrote one, but felt compelled - I have no other word - to write another instead.

This weekend, at least fifty people died in Florida in two shootings, one in a nightclub (the majority) one a single shooting somewhere else - a young singer with a promising career gunned down.  (No, I am not going to discuss the whys and wherefores - that is for other sites and other discussions.)

My topic this morning is eternity.

I am willing to bet that every one of those people woke up on the morning of their death with not a thought in their mind that this day was going to be their last.  They more than likely got up and went about their day as they did every day, with perhaps (like so many) a thought of the coming week or coming summer on their mind.

For them, eternity came all too soon.

I am burdened as I write tonight by the real sense that world is becoming far more chaotic, far more destruction oriented, than it has ever been my in my lifetime.  Certainly some will say I am overreacting, that people have always said such things.  And (I must concede the point) they are true.

But for fifty people, chaos and destruction engulfed them in a horrible moment.

Eternity is closer than we think.  Seldom does one arise thinking "Today, tonight - perhaps at 7 PM - I will die".  Seldom do we dwell on the awesome thought of what is after this life - or if we do, we think of it in generic terms we learned long ago or our ideas of what it should be like.

I am a Christian.  I have (I hope) never made any claims otherwise or persuaded you who read and do not believe that I am either overly zealous or practice a false righteous. I am a flawed man - badly flawed - and have my own share of struggles and sins.

But I plead with you friends:  be saved.

The best description of the Gospel I ever heard or read was from a book by Ben Patterson called Waiting:  Finding Hope When God Remains Silent in which a friend of his, asked to explain the Gospel in 10 words or less said "We're all b_stards  but God loves us anyway."

Harsh language (for me at least) but I do not, in this one instance, apologize for it.  That is what a sinner is:   a terrible, terrible bearer of evil who simply cannot, ultimately, do enough good for their salvation.  We can try.  We can pretend that we can earn our way into God's good graces (after all, is that not how the rest of life works?) or even pretend that He accepts our best efforts.  But are sinners - dead, as it were, a corpse, unable to give ourselves (or anyone around us) life.

We cannot.  But we do not have to.

The second part of the sentence states the miracle:  but  God loved us anyway.  Loved us even though we as His creation rejected Him.  Loved us so much that He paid the price - the sinless sacrifice - that we could not pay for ourselves.

"For God so loved the world that He sent is only Son into the world that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved.  He who believes in Him is not condemned, but he who does not believe in him is condemned already because he has not believed in the name of the only Begotten Son of God."  John 3:  16-17

"Now when they heard this, they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles "Men and brothers, what shall we do?"  Then Peter said to them "Repent, every one of you, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." - Acts 2:37-38.

It is simple and yet so profound:  Repent - turn away from both the sins (and every one of us has them, not only the ones common to all but the ones we love best) and your hope that you can, by your good deeds, earn your salvation.  And believe - believe that Christ paid the price of your sins and that He is the Son Of God, The Lord and Saviour of the world.

I have no special knowledge, friends, and am hardly anything to bear such news.  I am a broken man, a coward that too often hides behind a passive silence, a man who constantly struggles against his own sin and so often fails.

But there is a Heaven and Hell, a fate that awaits all of us.  And Hell is not the picture of the fantasies that we have allowed ourselves to make it, merely a hot place where "Well, I'll at least be with all my buddies".  It is a place of unending - eternal - torment, a place that humanity was never originally designed to go.   (I would be remiss in the regard if I did not refer you to Jonathan Edwards sermon Sinners In The Hand Of An Angry God.)

My friends, you may think me simple in posting this, or over-reactionary.  You may think me a religious kook or a simpleton believing fairy tales.

Life goes quickly.  Even if you are young and feel that death and old age is a long way off, I can assure you that it is not.  Time flies faster than the fleetest bird, running quicker than the antelope with the cheetah pursuing.

And ultimately, as 50 people found out this weekend, death finds us all and finds most of us unexpectedly and most likely unprepared.  As I mentioned above, most of us do not rise from bed in the morning thinking that today will be our last day.

But today or 70 years hence, death will find us.  There is no safe space from it, nowhere we can go to outrun it or hide from it.  Eternity is closer for most of us than we think.

I pray you, friends, give heed to the eternal destination of your souls.  Tomorrow is vouchsafed for none.

Disappearing Wheat

Headless stalks betray

the love of rabbits for wheat:

a convenient snack.

The Sound Of Rolling Dice

Change is in the air, darn it.

I cannot see it.  But I can feel it.

The feeling is washing over me more and more.  And there are real, practical outcomes of this.

For the first time in forever, I contradicted a superior in a meeting.  Laughed out loud at a suggestion they made which was 10 times more difficult and less relevant than the one that we had come to weeks before.  And when I mean out loud, I mean shockingly so.  There is no forward there now, only the establishing of hard won positions.

I have openly begun discussing the possibility of not being there much longer at my current place of employment.  I have begun - oh, how I have been down this road before - of beginning to look at the activities and things in my life, to begun to ask the question "Would I still do this?  How will I do this?"

There is nothing of course, nothing but the sense that a corner has been turned.  The dice are rolling, even if I cannot see where they end up from my view of the table.

But hearing the sound, I know they will eventually stop.

And I want to be ready to leap when they do.

A Little Solitiude

So it turns out I have a little bit of a break.

The entire household has shipped out to The Happiest Place on Earth today, leaving me all alone for a week.

In a way this is always very odd to me.  One gets used to the hustle and bustle of a house filled with people, going about their business.  Now the house is strangely silent, the sounds of crickets and the neighbor's air conditioner all that fills the night.

People always ask "What are you going to do with yourself?"  After all, being alone theoretically offers one a great deal of possibilities.

Not really for me, though.  I am rather a homebody.  The quiet suits me.

I have reading planned of course, and the normal chores that I have around the house (the rabbits and guinea pig appreciate the attention).  Maybe a little gardening now that the weather has (hopefully) dried out.  Plenty of time to think of course, and maybe to do a little forward planning.  It feels, after all, as if we are on the cusp of change.

A little solitude is actually a welcome thing.

Loneliness

Ruby Red wine glows
in the glass, but stings my throat
like a broken heart.

Back To It

So today is the first day back in the office after almost two weeks.

The two week period has been a natural break of sorts for me.  The change in the work environment has been so palpable, such a divide between before and after, that the break has created a closing chapter of sorts to seven years worth of work.

Our pastor this morning, in a sermon about work and living it out, made a point that we needed to make a point about work not owning us, owning our lives.  In that sense this break - away auditing to see other companies, practicing my sword art - has been a good and needed reminder and break that my work is not my life.  It cannot be, now:  my hands have been pried off of all that responsibility and roles and reduced to a (yet unknown) position.

Perhaps a relief.  I need no longer worry about (at least so long as I am here) the problems of office politics or greater strategies for getting ahead or even trying to make a better impression.  That is all removed from my power now.

Two courses now.  The first is to look for new opportunities.  The second is to look to those parts of my life that are beyond the eight hours a day and work on those.

It was a good seven year run.  I am looking forward to the next chapter.

On Seminar

Seminar is over.  

This is my fourth time training with Soke.  Every time I do it has seemed a little bit different.

The very first time I went it was within my first year of starting Iai. I was completely out of my element and was more concerned with not embarrassing myself than with anything else.

The second time I went it was two years later, and I went without my own sensei.  This time the concern was very much around representing my dojo well - and not being an embarrassment.

The third time was an additional two year later/ 5 years into my journey.  Here I actually did manage to embarrass myself (unintentionally of course, but still) and spent the greater part of Seminar desperately trying to not call any more attention to myself.

And now the fourth time is complete.

This time there was much less concern about embarrassing myself (other than the general sense of not sticking out as being so bad)  and much more concern about learning to do things the right way, about paying attention to what Soke was doing and then trying to replicate that.

We talked a great deal (more than I remember in past Seminar, but maybe I am just paying attention differently)  about the importance of our spirit when we practice, of the expressions we carry on our faces when we cut, of the spirit of Iai and its place in the larger place of things.

It was good.

I have a great deal to work on until the next time I see Soke again:  technique (always technique), expression, and spirit.  But I am coming to anticipate these visits rather than fear them - after all, it is becoming less about how I appear and more about how much I am learning.

This, I think, represents the progress that Iai truly means to teach.

More June Rains

There is so much rain

"Waterworld" may not be

just a fantasy.

Could Be, Who Knows

As I sit here and write at 2300 hours on Tuesday night, I am exhausted.  We finished Embu tonight, a public demonstration of Iai.  This is the end of the third day of the Seminar,  the end of 14 hours of training.  My calves are sore and my right knee is starting to say unkind things to me.  By all rights, I should be asleep already.

And yet, my mind is racing and sleep seems to be the farthest thing from my mind.

I feel a great current moving underneath my life, as if things are shifting around me in ways I cannot see or understand.  It is that sense that an ending of something is approaching and the beginning of something else is at hand.

I cannot define this thing completely.  I cannot say what the nature of the changes are.  I can sense hints, like something moving in murky water which only the currents of the water speak to something being there.

I know that changes are occurring at work and maybe that is part of the feeling.  I know that being away for almost two weeks removes someone from the fray.  I know that when I eventually have to return to real life all that I previously faced will be there.

But circumstances are changing.  Or at least I feel they are changing.  Or maybe it is just that I am changing.

But, to quote West Side Story, "Could it be?  Yes it could.  Something's coming, something good.  If I can wait."

Here is to the change I can sense even if I cannot now see it.