I cannot change people.
Oh, I know. This should not be a news flash to anyone, even myself. Someone could (and probably has) made a living of writing a number of self-help books around this entire subject: titles such as "You Can't Change Anyone But You" and "Hoping To Change Someone Else? Hope Again." litter used books stores under the appropriate sections.
But there is always this lingering hope, perhaps even a forlorn one, that if I simply perform the right series of events I will find the hidden combination which I seek.
Admitting - really admitting - that you cannot change people is actually a rather large step. It is surrendering the concept that you have a certain kind of power. It is conceding that people are really independent beings from yourself and not simply extensions of your own will. It is admitting that you have much less power than you liked to think you had.
Can people change their behavior? Of course. Can you even be a part in that behavior change? Again, of course - but by first surrendering the concept that you can make them do anything.
People will only change as a response to changes in you. You can possibly still be the casual agent you think you should be - but in a much less direct way than you think possible.
This thought is not nearly as exciting, of course. This moves the actual work of the change to a much different purview: yourself. And change - true change - is never very easy.
But I suspect there is a hidden outcome to this which is not readily visible from where we often sit.
I believe (although I have little to back this up in my own experience) that the very process of change in ourselves will modify the change we thought we wanted in others. By the time we have changed to a new way of behavior what we may discover is that the very thing that we thought was so important to us - this person's approval, that person's buy in, the other person's interest - is much less critical to us than we first thought it to be. Or, even if the change we wanted comes, we can view it through a very different lens than we were first using.
But it all has to begin with that very simple, very humbling admission: I can change no-one.
Except myself.
Friday, July 05, 2013
Thursday, July 04, 2013
Why We Remember the Fourth of July
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people
to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another,
and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal
station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a
decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should
declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained, and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.
He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.
He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.
He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:
For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing taxes on us without our consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:
For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:
For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.
We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained, and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.
He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.
He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.
He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:
For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing taxes on us without our consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:
For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:
For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.
We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Who?
Who is this man that has been creeping out from time to time:
confident, aggressive, no nonsense?
I cannot say that I recognize him.
We share something, of course:
a body, five senses, the same brain -
but I do not believe I have met him before.
He claims to have much the same experience as I:
same upbringing, same education, same family.
But there is something different about him.
He is what I seem not to be:
He simply wades through things, determining and commanding
as he goes.
He seems to be so much of what I think I need -
hard to believe the lips he uses
are my own.
Who is this man that has been creeping out from time to time:
confident, aggressive, no nonsense?
I cannot say that I recognize him -
But I want to know him more.
confident, aggressive, no nonsense?
I cannot say that I recognize him.
We share something, of course:
a body, five senses, the same brain -
but I do not believe I have met him before.
He claims to have much the same experience as I:
same upbringing, same education, same family.
But there is something different about him.
He is what I seem not to be:
He simply wades through things, determining and commanding
as he goes.
He seems to be so much of what I think I need -
hard to believe the lips he uses
are my own.
Who is this man that has been creeping out from time to time:
confident, aggressive, no nonsense?
I cannot say that I recognize him -
But I want to know him more.
Monday, July 01, 2013
Spray Nozzle
My spray nozzle for my hose is broken.
Oh, it had been going for a long time. The plastic ring which secures the handle to body and allows the pressure to be applied (thus producing water) has been slowly slipping for months now. I noticed it every time that I used it, it was slipping more side to side. Finally, one day it simply broke.
One would think that I would just go get a new spray nozzle. I am too economical for that; after working with it I figured out that if I held it a certain way and made sure that I applied pressure directly to the trigger point it works just fine. If I slip a little to one side or the other, I suddenly lose pressure.
Wonderful. I saved myself $3.00 or so. But last week, as I struggled to get it aligned again, I suddenly realized that this was reflective of my life as well.
Over time the ring of my life - the ability to fulfill a purpose, to do something -wears away as we constantly face the realities of daily life. We learn to do what we have to, perhaps not what we like. It keeps wearing, we keep going - until the ring breaks. Then what? For me, I suddenly realized that I start learn to compensate. Rather than go ahead and fix the process (it is not as if I can run to a garden supply store and buy a new life), I learn to compensate: apply pressure right here and life will continue to work.
The difficulty, of course, is that one has to spend greater and greater time applying pressure to that one point - to the point that the effectivity and efficiency of the process is lost by the time spent trying to make the thing work.
My life (unlike the nozzle) is not made of cheap plastic. I believe it to be able to be repaired. The question is by mechanism.
If purpose is the ring which secures the effort of our lives (the handle) to the effort of our lives (the nozzle) then how do I re-discover it to reattach the handle?
Oh, it had been going for a long time. The plastic ring which secures the handle to body and allows the pressure to be applied (thus producing water) has been slowly slipping for months now. I noticed it every time that I used it, it was slipping more side to side. Finally, one day it simply broke.
One would think that I would just go get a new spray nozzle. I am too economical for that; after working with it I figured out that if I held it a certain way and made sure that I applied pressure directly to the trigger point it works just fine. If I slip a little to one side or the other, I suddenly lose pressure.
Wonderful. I saved myself $3.00 or so. But last week, as I struggled to get it aligned again, I suddenly realized that this was reflective of my life as well.
Over time the ring of my life - the ability to fulfill a purpose, to do something -wears away as we constantly face the realities of daily life. We learn to do what we have to, perhaps not what we like. It keeps wearing, we keep going - until the ring breaks. Then what? For me, I suddenly realized that I start learn to compensate. Rather than go ahead and fix the process (it is not as if I can run to a garden supply store and buy a new life), I learn to compensate: apply pressure right here and life will continue to work.
The difficulty, of course, is that one has to spend greater and greater time applying pressure to that one point - to the point that the effectivity and efficiency of the process is lost by the time spent trying to make the thing work.
My life (unlike the nozzle) is not made of cheap plastic. I believe it to be able to be repaired. The question is by mechanism.
If purpose is the ring which secures the effort of our lives (the handle) to the effort of our lives (the nozzle) then how do I re-discover it to reattach the handle?
Friday, June 28, 2013
Wild
Where did you come from,
a tsunami of emotions?
I did not expect to see you here:
I thought that I had safely confined you to a lake bed or canal,
a calm and soothing presence slowly moving,
reflecting the wind.
Now suddenly you are not confined to the place I put you
but have struck out,
tearing the carefully groomed grounds of my life
and washing them away.
My carefully made paths with crushed granite
are now dirt and rock.
The bamboo like green arrows in the quiver of the earth
is now broken and askew,
leaves trailing like broken feathers.
All that seemed carefully controlled
is not.
Only the stones,
grounded in the earth,
speak of permanence.
a tsunami of emotions?
I did not expect to see you here:
I thought that I had safely confined you to a lake bed or canal,
a calm and soothing presence slowly moving,
reflecting the wind.
Now suddenly you are not confined to the place I put you
but have struck out,
tearing the carefully groomed grounds of my life
and washing them away.
My carefully made paths with crushed granite
are now dirt and rock.
The bamboo like green arrows in the quiver of the earth
is now broken and askew,
leaves trailing like broken feathers.
All that seemed carefully controlled
is not.
Only the stones,
grounded in the earth,
speak of permanence.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
A Sense of Honor
Once upon a time I was consumed with the concept of honor.
It arose out of a study of medieval times and knights and the literature of the High Middle Ages, of courtly love and jousts and deeds of justice. I tried to hold myself to such a code -hard for a young man with no culture of such around him. Eventually, I suppose, the passion cooled and I started to "get on" with life as so many others have done.
And now I find myself re-examining the concept as a living, breathing core of my life.
Why? One is simply the fact that in the world we live in, a sense of honor is something that is seldom seen. To be honorable, to seek to live and act honorably can actually be seen as being counter cultural as it is rare.
A second reason is that we need people in this time and age who are people of honor. It does not matter where you are from, what you do, or who you are: the temptations to act dishonorably in an age where the art of "looking after myself" is the modus operandi of so many individuals, which then affects institutions, which then affect nations.
A final reason is simply personal. A sense of honor is something that gives one a sense of buffering against the vicissitudes of the world. It is both the rod that strengthens the inner man by doing right because it is right and the shield that protects the outer man by knowing what one is doing is right when all others think it foolish, antiquated, or obfuscatory.
The boy has become a man, and that sense of honor - of living to a higher standard and purpose - is still there. It need only have the breezes of thought and action breathed upon it to burst again into translucent flame.
It arose out of a study of medieval times and knights and the literature of the High Middle Ages, of courtly love and jousts and deeds of justice. I tried to hold myself to such a code -hard for a young man with no culture of such around him. Eventually, I suppose, the passion cooled and I started to "get on" with life as so many others have done.
And now I find myself re-examining the concept as a living, breathing core of my life.
Why? One is simply the fact that in the world we live in, a sense of honor is something that is seldom seen. To be honorable, to seek to live and act honorably can actually be seen as being counter cultural as it is rare.
A second reason is that we need people in this time and age who are people of honor. It does not matter where you are from, what you do, or who you are: the temptations to act dishonorably in an age where the art of "looking after myself" is the modus operandi of so many individuals, which then affects institutions, which then affect nations.
A final reason is simply personal. A sense of honor is something that gives one a sense of buffering against the vicissitudes of the world. It is both the rod that strengthens the inner man by doing right because it is right and the shield that protects the outer man by knowing what one is doing is right when all others think it foolish, antiquated, or obfuscatory.
The boy has become a man, and that sense of honor - of living to a higher standard and purpose - is still there. It need only have the breezes of thought and action breathed upon it to burst again into translucent flame.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Physical Body of Confidence
I have been working through mind/body associations for the last few days.
I am hardly what one would call a massively built individual. My interest in sports beyond what I had to do in high school really only starts since our relocation: first running, then Iaido, and now the Highland Games with the associated weight training.
Certainly my health is better as a result of this, I am in better shape because of this, and (injecting a little bit of vanity) I look as good as I have in some years. But what I have noticed over this time is I am still carrying myself as if none of these things were true.
I had not really given this a lot of thought before the Highland Games this weekend, where I am surrounded by men in my division who (almost inevitably) larger and heavier than I. What I realized first of all is that I carry myself differently from them; the second thing I realized was I was the only one who was doing that to myself.
I (and probably most of human history) has associated large and powerful with confident and powerful. It is not always true of course, but the association is there. I have never thought of myself in that category at all. But then I began to wonder: is it really something random, or is can it be a manifestation from the outside in? Not all that are confident and powerful carry themselves and strong and not all the strong are confident and powerful.
But for the purpose of this meditation, I am concerned about myself.
How I look on the outside does, at some level, reflect how I feel about myself on the inside: "Clothes", says Bernhard Roetzel, "are the visiting card of the personality, and should therefore be chosen to match it." We portray outside how we feel about ourselves on the outside.
But it is not just clothes, I am coming to realize. It is the very nature of our health and our bodies that give the same information.
Is our health 100% in our control? Of course not. I have had friends and family struck down by cancer, by heart attacks, by rare diseases that less than 50 people living have. And age, like it or not, comes to us all.
But even within those things there are elements that we can control. If we have a genetic predisposition to diabetes (as I do) the continued consumption of food as if I did not is probably not the greatest idea. If I know that any level of cardiovascular and weight training is better than none at all, best that I should do something.
Yet it is is more. It is more than meeting the minimum. Throwing in the Highland Games has been a wonderful experience in so many ways - not just for the experience and the camaraderie, but the very real sense that throwing puts me in a class of athletes known for their strength and power. Admittedly I am on the lowest rung of that ladder, but I am still on the ladder.
I am trying - when I now look into the mirror - to carry myself not as I have before, sort of slumped down and small, but taller and more proud. I lift my shoulders and suddenly I am amazed at the difference. The man staring back at me in the mirror is not one I necessarily recognize.
And that is good - because what I see of that man, willing to go throw and compete with others and be confident in his ability and his right to be out of the field, is something I want more of in whole life.
I am hardly what one would call a massively built individual. My interest in sports beyond what I had to do in high school really only starts since our relocation: first running, then Iaido, and now the Highland Games with the associated weight training.
Certainly my health is better as a result of this, I am in better shape because of this, and (injecting a little bit of vanity) I look as good as I have in some years. But what I have noticed over this time is I am still carrying myself as if none of these things were true.
I had not really given this a lot of thought before the Highland Games this weekend, where I am surrounded by men in my division who (almost inevitably) larger and heavier than I. What I realized first of all is that I carry myself differently from them; the second thing I realized was I was the only one who was doing that to myself.
I (and probably most of human history) has associated large and powerful with confident and powerful. It is not always true of course, but the association is there. I have never thought of myself in that category at all. But then I began to wonder: is it really something random, or is can it be a manifestation from the outside in? Not all that are confident and powerful carry themselves and strong and not all the strong are confident and powerful.
But for the purpose of this meditation, I am concerned about myself.
How I look on the outside does, at some level, reflect how I feel about myself on the inside: "Clothes", says Bernhard Roetzel, "are the visiting card of the personality, and should therefore be chosen to match it." We portray outside how we feel about ourselves on the outside.
But it is not just clothes, I am coming to realize. It is the very nature of our health and our bodies that give the same information.
Is our health 100% in our control? Of course not. I have had friends and family struck down by cancer, by heart attacks, by rare diseases that less than 50 people living have. And age, like it or not, comes to us all.
But even within those things there are elements that we can control. If we have a genetic predisposition to diabetes (as I do) the continued consumption of food as if I did not is probably not the greatest idea. If I know that any level of cardiovascular and weight training is better than none at all, best that I should do something.
Yet it is is more. It is more than meeting the minimum. Throwing in the Highland Games has been a wonderful experience in so many ways - not just for the experience and the camaraderie, but the very real sense that throwing puts me in a class of athletes known for their strength and power. Admittedly I am on the lowest rung of that ladder, but I am still on the ladder.
I am trying - when I now look into the mirror - to carry myself not as I have before, sort of slumped down and small, but taller and more proud. I lift my shoulders and suddenly I am amazed at the difference. The man staring back at me in the mirror is not one I necessarily recognize.
And that is good - because what I see of that man, willing to go throw and compete with others and be confident in his ability and his right to be out of the field, is something I want more of in whole life.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Different Problems, Same Root
How much are we willing to look at our failures of character and realize that although they manifest themselves in different ways and perhaps even seem different to us they are in fact merely the fruit of a far deeper root?
This thought jarred my last night as I was meandering through my thoughts, taking two seeming different items and linking them together. What I realized as examined these two thoughts is that they simply sprang from the root of a much more buried item than what I had anticipated.
Why had I never realized this before? Was it simply blindness on my part? Was it a willing blindness which I subconsciously rammed into place? Was it simply that I was simply ignoring what God was presenting in my life and continued to ignore it until, finally frustrated, He simply let me make the discovery in my own painful way?
It certainly humbles one when this is the case. One's sophistication and a deep analysis of the multiplicity of minor flaws is swept away by the sudden realization that one's issues are not the deep and multi-faceted issues worthy of significant consideration but simply the same simple items manifested in different ways
One has to move beyond this of course if any progress is to be made. One lets go of the concept that the issues are truly different - good. One adapts to the idea that they have a common root - better. But then one deals with them.
There is good news in this too, of course - if there are only a few problems, then dealing with them directly can address a multitude of the issues we face with ourselves. That is very good news even if it does not seem like it - it means the time we spend dealing with these things can give us the greatest return for our effort, the best return on the personal investment of time and energy.
But the dealing can come in time. The first step - perhaps not the most difficult one but surely one of great difficulty - is the simple acknowledgement that most of our problems and sins are founded in a very few types of basic things which, manifested in different ways, are the root cause of our issues.
This thought jarred my last night as I was meandering through my thoughts, taking two seeming different items and linking them together. What I realized as examined these two thoughts is that they simply sprang from the root of a much more buried item than what I had anticipated.
Why had I never realized this before? Was it simply blindness on my part? Was it a willing blindness which I subconsciously rammed into place? Was it simply that I was simply ignoring what God was presenting in my life and continued to ignore it until, finally frustrated, He simply let me make the discovery in my own painful way?
It certainly humbles one when this is the case. One's sophistication and a deep analysis of the multiplicity of minor flaws is swept away by the sudden realization that one's issues are not the deep and multi-faceted issues worthy of significant consideration but simply the same simple items manifested in different ways
One has to move beyond this of course if any progress is to be made. One lets go of the concept that the issues are truly different - good. One adapts to the idea that they have a common root - better. But then one deals with them.
There is good news in this too, of course - if there are only a few problems, then dealing with them directly can address a multitude of the issues we face with ourselves. That is very good news even if it does not seem like it - it means the time we spend dealing with these things can give us the greatest return for our effort, the best return on the personal investment of time and energy.
But the dealing can come in time. The first step - perhaps not the most difficult one but surely one of great difficulty - is the simple acknowledgement that most of our problems and sins are founded in a very few types of basic things which, manifested in different ways, are the root cause of our issues.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Carefully Contrived Fantasies
Fantasies are strange things.
They are the creation solely of our mind yet the act and breathe with the solidity of reality itself. They have no power but what we give them yet them can be overpowering. They exist when nothing has actually occurred yet every detail can be recounted precisely.
But fantasies are strange for another reason: they exist and thrive only in the atmosphere of our minds. Exposed to the open air of reality they too often fall apart, popping instantly into the "moonbeams and ash" of which all dreams are made of, collapsing into a large cloud which dissipates into the wind.
How do I deal with them? I ask because so much of my own inner life is based on fantasy without any mooring in reality. I have experienced exposing enough fantasies to know how quickly they can dissolve - so my solution is to keep them carefully locked up away in my mind. Every time I try and bring them out and the hint of reality starts to shake their framework I immediately push them back, knowing all too well with the pain of experience what is about to occur: standing with both hands open, looking at a sparkling cloud of dreams drift into the wind. And so I live with my fantasies, locked away in the recesses of my mind like a series of old exhibits not on display, stored in a museum warehouse waiting to be brought out.
So what then do I do with these fantasies? Can such things be brought into the light of day? Can such a thing even be done given the nature of their existence? Or is there any point in even try, to risk bringing all out only to find that in one fell swoop a huge swath of my mind - indeed, my life - is left empty? There is such power in them, such imagination, such energy that that would add so much to my life if only I could harness it and use it. The question is, how do I do that without destroying such a fragile construct?
Because I have known reality without fantasy. It is a cold, grey place devoid of hope.
They are the creation solely of our mind yet the act and breathe with the solidity of reality itself. They have no power but what we give them yet them can be overpowering. They exist when nothing has actually occurred yet every detail can be recounted precisely.
But fantasies are strange for another reason: they exist and thrive only in the atmosphere of our minds. Exposed to the open air of reality they too often fall apart, popping instantly into the "moonbeams and ash" of which all dreams are made of, collapsing into a large cloud which dissipates into the wind.
How do I deal with them? I ask because so much of my own inner life is based on fantasy without any mooring in reality. I have experienced exposing enough fantasies to know how quickly they can dissolve - so my solution is to keep them carefully locked up away in my mind. Every time I try and bring them out and the hint of reality starts to shake their framework I immediately push them back, knowing all too well with the pain of experience what is about to occur: standing with both hands open, looking at a sparkling cloud of dreams drift into the wind. And so I live with my fantasies, locked away in the recesses of my mind like a series of old exhibits not on display, stored in a museum warehouse waiting to be brought out.
So what then do I do with these fantasies? Can such things be brought into the light of day? Can such a thing even be done given the nature of their existence? Or is there any point in even try, to risk bringing all out only to find that in one fell swoop a huge swath of my mind - indeed, my life - is left empty? There is such power in them, such imagination, such energy that that would add so much to my life if only I could harness it and use it. The question is, how do I do that without destroying such a fragile construct?
Because I have known reality without fantasy. It is a cold, grey place devoid of hope.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Ruthlessness
Am I ruthless enough?
Oh, of course not with other people or things. I am the guy that walks spiders to the door instead of crushing them whenever possible. In personal relationships I am more likely not to say something because it might be misinterpreted or may hurt someone than I am to say it.
No, I mean with myself.
Am I ruthless with what is true and right? Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up in front of others to veil the truth from them? Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up to veil the truth from myself? Am I unwilling to speak the truth to myself so that I can hear it (and by hearing, be forced to act) rather than whisper sweet words into my own ear that may make me content but do not institute change in my life.
Be clear that I am not talking about those sorts of self talk that are wrong, the sort of speech that tears one down or constantly seeks to keep one as a small blot on the sidewalk of life. That is not ruthlessness - that is depression or self deprecation or some third thing that does not accomplish the purpose I am seeking.
Perhaps some may think that I am unusually crazy or even mad for the end of the week. After all, ruthlessness is not a quality that we typically encourage in ourselves or others. And used on others it can be a terrible thing that destroys life.
But I wonder if in fact ruthlessness does not reflect Yagyu Munenor's concept of The Life Giving Sword, that the sword can give both death (by killing) and life (by killing those who would harm others). Ruthlessness - when properly exercised on ourselves - can tear down the veils and illusions we keep in place. It can quickly cut to the heart of the matter. It can show us for what we really are and allow us to honestly and truly consider what we need to be to move towards any goal or objective we have identified for ourselves.
It can tear away the comfortable facades that we love to keep in place to preserve our sense of dignity when such facades only enable us to preserve bad behavior and poor decisions.
Am I ruthless enough with myself? Probably not. But if I want to see more growth, I need to prepare to become more uncomfortable with an accurate and penetrating critic: myself.
Oh, of course not with other people or things. I am the guy that walks spiders to the door instead of crushing them whenever possible. In personal relationships I am more likely not to say something because it might be misinterpreted or may hurt someone than I am to say it.
No, I mean with myself.
Am I ruthless with what is true and right? Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up in front of others to veil the truth from them? Am I unwilling to hide behind the excuses that I throw up to veil the truth from myself? Am I unwilling to speak the truth to myself so that I can hear it (and by hearing, be forced to act) rather than whisper sweet words into my own ear that may make me content but do not institute change in my life.
Be clear that I am not talking about those sorts of self talk that are wrong, the sort of speech that tears one down or constantly seeks to keep one as a small blot on the sidewalk of life. That is not ruthlessness - that is depression or self deprecation or some third thing that does not accomplish the purpose I am seeking.
Perhaps some may think that I am unusually crazy or even mad for the end of the week. After all, ruthlessness is not a quality that we typically encourage in ourselves or others. And used on others it can be a terrible thing that destroys life.
But I wonder if in fact ruthlessness does not reflect Yagyu Munenor's concept of The Life Giving Sword, that the sword can give both death (by killing) and life (by killing those who would harm others). Ruthlessness - when properly exercised on ourselves - can tear down the veils and illusions we keep in place. It can quickly cut to the heart of the matter. It can show us for what we really are and allow us to honestly and truly consider what we need to be to move towards any goal or objective we have identified for ourselves.
It can tear away the comfortable facades that we love to keep in place to preserve our sense of dignity when such facades only enable us to preserve bad behavior and poor decisions.
Am I ruthless enough with myself? Probably not. But if I want to see more growth, I need to prepare to become more uncomfortable with an accurate and penetrating critic: myself.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Powerlessness
I know that I have written on powerlessness before. I do not know that I had considered it to be the curse and the demotivator that I find it to be.
Powerlessness strips one of so much. It strips one of the sense of being able to make an impact - if one can be overruled at any time and any stage, one's efforts become meaningless. It also strips one of drive: the ability to not choose (or at least find yourself enmeshed in previous choices) leaves one with the sense of marching on in a landscape that has no hope of changing.
But the biggest thing that powerlessness (or I suppose let us be fair: perceived powerlessness) has done for me is thrust my dreams into the outer walls of the night.
There are days that I wake up - such as today - where the sense is that I have very little choice or influence ahead of me. I will go and do my various roles as is required of me. I can almost map out my entire day and evening before I rise from this chair.
I know, I know. You do not "have to" do anything. "That's loser talk" some will say. You always have a choice. But if the choice is to create uncertainty and discomfort around you, that hardy qualifies as a legitimate choice.
So if I were to put a positive spin on this, my question would be "How do I regain my power to choose and influence?" If I could understand that, if I could find a way to reverse the process and begin to reclaim control over my life - not perceived control but real control - ah, that would be the thing that makes the sepia of my existence burst into color.
There is a way - I am sure of it. I need to ponder and think on it and then do it - before the sepia that is my life fades to black.
Powerlessness strips one of so much. It strips one of the sense of being able to make an impact - if one can be overruled at any time and any stage, one's efforts become meaningless. It also strips one of drive: the ability to not choose (or at least find yourself enmeshed in previous choices) leaves one with the sense of marching on in a landscape that has no hope of changing.
But the biggest thing that powerlessness (or I suppose let us be fair: perceived powerlessness) has done for me is thrust my dreams into the outer walls of the night.
There are days that I wake up - such as today - where the sense is that I have very little choice or influence ahead of me. I will go and do my various roles as is required of me. I can almost map out my entire day and evening before I rise from this chair.
I know, I know. You do not "have to" do anything. "That's loser talk" some will say. You always have a choice. But if the choice is to create uncertainty and discomfort around you, that hardy qualifies as a legitimate choice.
So if I were to put a positive spin on this, my question would be "How do I regain my power to choose and influence?" If I could understand that, if I could find a way to reverse the process and begin to reclaim control over my life - not perceived control but real control - ah, that would be the thing that makes the sepia of my existence burst into color.
There is a way - I am sure of it. I need to ponder and think on it and then do it - before the sepia that is my life fades to black.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Support
The older I get the more I realize the concept of support from others is underrated.
Do not misunderstand me. By "support" I do not mean the concept of "It takes a village to do anything". Communal effort is necessary and we do rely on others frequently for direct and indirect assistance, but in the end things are only done when someone - one person - does one thing.
What I mean by support is the underlying belief from others that you are able to do something, that at your core you are capable. Capable of what? Of the things that you are thinking to do.
Why is this so critical? The first reason is simply because the world and society in general seeks to tear things down rather than support. The Japanese adage "The nail that sticks up is hammered down" is bitterly amusing because it is true. Most people will spend more energy tearing something down to their level rather than supporting someone that is trying to get to a new level. As someone who is trying do anything, we need all the support we can muster.
The second reason is that such belief can inspire and motivate us even when we cannot motivate ourselves. One of the best quotes I have found in 2013 is "If you believe in someone, even more than they believe in themselves, they will do anything to succeed" by Jessica Fagnan. This belief in others - especially when they have lost confidence in themselves - is often enough to move them through the period of doubt and dismay and sustain them until they are able to rekindle the spirit themselves.
Interestingly, from the standpoint of human relations there is probably no better way for an individual to become a friend or dear one of another than becoming an ardent supporter of their actions. Why? I believe it is because we gravitate towards those who do such things as we recognize instinctively that such support is incredibly rare and that if we are to achieve anything, we will need such people.
Money passes, distances intervene, passions cool, circumstances occur - but the one who supports another in their endeavors will always in the end have great value. Why? Because in the face of a world that seeks to make everything uniform, one had someone who held one up in one's quest to be unique and one who accomplishes instead of one who merely carries on.
Do not misunderstand me. By "support" I do not mean the concept of "It takes a village to do anything". Communal effort is necessary and we do rely on others frequently for direct and indirect assistance, but in the end things are only done when someone - one person - does one thing.
What I mean by support is the underlying belief from others that you are able to do something, that at your core you are capable. Capable of what? Of the things that you are thinking to do.
Why is this so critical? The first reason is simply because the world and society in general seeks to tear things down rather than support. The Japanese adage "The nail that sticks up is hammered down" is bitterly amusing because it is true. Most people will spend more energy tearing something down to their level rather than supporting someone that is trying to get to a new level. As someone who is trying do anything, we need all the support we can muster.
The second reason is that such belief can inspire and motivate us even when we cannot motivate ourselves. One of the best quotes I have found in 2013 is "If you believe in someone, even more than they believe in themselves, they will do anything to succeed" by Jessica Fagnan. This belief in others - especially when they have lost confidence in themselves - is often enough to move them through the period of doubt and dismay and sustain them until they are able to rekindle the spirit themselves.
Interestingly, from the standpoint of human relations there is probably no better way for an individual to become a friend or dear one of another than becoming an ardent supporter of their actions. Why? I believe it is because we gravitate towards those who do such things as we recognize instinctively that such support is incredibly rare and that if we are to achieve anything, we will need such people.
Money passes, distances intervene, passions cool, circumstances occur - but the one who supports another in their endeavors will always in the end have great value. Why? Because in the face of a world that seeks to make everything uniform, one had someone who held one up in one's quest to be unique and one who accomplishes instead of one who merely carries on.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Missing A Link
There is a disconnect in my life between that which I seek to do and that which I seem capable of.
The manifestation of this occurs virtually every Monday. When I leave for work coming off the weekend I feel enlivened and in charge of my life. I have high hopes for what I will accomplish in the week and the direction that I am going to go. When I return I am, more often that not bludgeoned into the ground by the seeming realities of my actual life. By the time bed is reached I am no better than where I was the Friday before: accepting the fact that for all of my dreaming and wishes, such a life is not for me.
In his book Coach Yourself To Win, Howard Guttman wants the reader to start with one intention, one thing which they deeply desire to change. It can be anything that one wants - as significant as a career change or as simple as learning to cook - but it has to be something that is important to you, important enough that you will commit your intentions to do it.
But how does one commit to change an entire life?
This is the key I am missing. I am not quite sure what to call it. Is it having a vision? Is it having drive? Or is it some other thing, something that I cannot even see from where I am right now?
I really wish I knew. All I do know is that I seem to be trapped on an endless loop, constantly coming back to the place I was before without any real sense of how to dismount and get on with things.
The manifestation of this occurs virtually every Monday. When I leave for work coming off the weekend I feel enlivened and in charge of my life. I have high hopes for what I will accomplish in the week and the direction that I am going to go. When I return I am, more often that not bludgeoned into the ground by the seeming realities of my actual life. By the time bed is reached I am no better than where I was the Friday before: accepting the fact that for all of my dreaming and wishes, such a life is not for me.
In his book Coach Yourself To Win, Howard Guttman wants the reader to start with one intention, one thing which they deeply desire to change. It can be anything that one wants - as significant as a career change or as simple as learning to cook - but it has to be something that is important to you, important enough that you will commit your intentions to do it.
But how does one commit to change an entire life?
This is the key I am missing. I am not quite sure what to call it. Is it having a vision? Is it having drive? Or is it some other thing, something that I cannot even see from where I am right now?
I really wish I knew. All I do know is that I seem to be trapped on an endless loop, constantly coming back to the place I was before without any real sense of how to dismount and get on with things.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Choices and Change II
Choices or Change. This thought simmered in my thoughts all day after I wrote it.
Am I lover of change? If you looked at my history, you would say yes. My average stay at a job since my first job is approximately 24 months. Prior to (more or less) the last two jobs, I regular switched jobs. And my interests? They wander from here to there, as a butterfly landing and then flying off. My bookshelves, were you to look at them, would seem a disorganized collection of subjects and topics - reflecting my interests and their morphing. Yet ironically, I would not define myself as someone who likes or enjoys change. In many other ways I prefer the known to the unknown, the scheduled to the free fall, the older to the newer.
If I love change, why? This is probably the real question worth asking. Figure out why I love change so much and that will tell me why I do what I do, why I am unhappy with what I am unhappy with, and how to figure my way out.
Why understand it? Because if not, I begin to start trying changes for the sake of changes. I start looking at jobs in locations I probably should not. I suddenly start coming up with new lines of study when I barely have time for the lines of study that I am currently undertaking. In other words if it is not channeled, it begins to become destructive.
Which is a little bit frightening. Because if I am doing it just to do it, it is an instinctual thing which is very powerful indeed. Power can be good of course when it is properly managed - when not, it becomes a very destructive element.
Why then do I love change? Or perhaps the better question is, Why then do I feel I must have change?
Am I lover of change? If you looked at my history, you would say yes. My average stay at a job since my first job is approximately 24 months. Prior to (more or less) the last two jobs, I regular switched jobs. And my interests? They wander from here to there, as a butterfly landing and then flying off. My bookshelves, were you to look at them, would seem a disorganized collection of subjects and topics - reflecting my interests and their morphing. Yet ironically, I would not define myself as someone who likes or enjoys change. In many other ways I prefer the known to the unknown, the scheduled to the free fall, the older to the newer.
If I love change, why? This is probably the real question worth asking. Figure out why I love change so much and that will tell me why I do what I do, why I am unhappy with what I am unhappy with, and how to figure my way out.
Why understand it? Because if not, I begin to start trying changes for the sake of changes. I start looking at jobs in locations I probably should not. I suddenly start coming up with new lines of study when I barely have time for the lines of study that I am currently undertaking. In other words if it is not channeled, it begins to become destructive.
Which is a little bit frightening. Because if I am doing it just to do it, it is an instinctual thing which is very powerful indeed. Power can be good of course when it is properly managed - when not, it becomes a very destructive element.
Why then do I love change? Or perhaps the better question is, Why then do I feel I must have change?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Choices or Change
"Choices? There seem to be none. The only impacts I could make on my
life at the moment seem to be ones which would be harmful - suddenly
quitting my job for example, or randomly deciding to break
relationships." I wrote that yesterday, scarcely thinking it was a terribly significant thought as I penned it - but it haunted me through the rest of the day.
I would like to say the reality is true: the only choices I feel can make are harmful ones. But why is that? Surely if I give it a moment's thought it cannot be true.
One point is that the choices listed above are "easy": there is no work really involved, just the process of making a decision and executing it. A "positive" decision, such as starting a business or looking for a new job or going back to school, is much more than just a decision: it is weeks, months, years of working towards something. In the short term, nothing would most likely change.
Another point is that such choices are very self centered: the immediate impact is on me. That cleverly fails to recognize that there are other people involved (my family might have one or two things to say about suddenly quitting). The "positive" choices involve the realities of human relationships: how will we pay for things while you are unemployed or not making a salary, this sort of thing.
But if this is so - if the harder and more difficult choices are the ones which are ultimately the more positive - how do I realistically begin to make those? I can randomly speak of doing different things, but every time I actually try and execute on one of them real life gets in the way. A simple example might simply be going back to school to get a new degree: for me that would be either a 4-6 year run or I would need to drop out and focus. Either option, in my current environment of employment and family needs, seems very difficult to contemplate: What do we not eat and what do we not do to fund an education? What part of time do I steal from my family to make the classes work?
Perhaps maybe it is not choices I am so desperate for as for change: a change in circumstances, a change in life. By my definition changes are quite easy to make - and looking at my job history, fairly frequent. But has every change been for the better? Almost all change has some aspect of positive associated with it, but in fact not all changes are positive.
Which I suppose gives me something else to ponder: If it is change I want and not necessarily a choice, how do I move towards that change?
I would like to say the reality is true: the only choices I feel can make are harmful ones. But why is that? Surely if I give it a moment's thought it cannot be true.
One point is that the choices listed above are "easy": there is no work really involved, just the process of making a decision and executing it. A "positive" decision, such as starting a business or looking for a new job or going back to school, is much more than just a decision: it is weeks, months, years of working towards something. In the short term, nothing would most likely change.
Another point is that such choices are very self centered: the immediate impact is on me. That cleverly fails to recognize that there are other people involved (my family might have one or two things to say about suddenly quitting). The "positive" choices involve the realities of human relationships: how will we pay for things while you are unemployed or not making a salary, this sort of thing.
But if this is so - if the harder and more difficult choices are the ones which are ultimately the more positive - how do I realistically begin to make those? I can randomly speak of doing different things, but every time I actually try and execute on one of them real life gets in the way. A simple example might simply be going back to school to get a new degree: for me that would be either a 4-6 year run or I would need to drop out and focus. Either option, in my current environment of employment and family needs, seems very difficult to contemplate: What do we not eat and what do we not do to fund an education? What part of time do I steal from my family to make the classes work?
Perhaps maybe it is not choices I am so desperate for as for change: a change in circumstances, a change in life. By my definition changes are quite easy to make - and looking at my job history, fairly frequent. But has every change been for the better? Almost all change has some aspect of positive associated with it, but in fact not all changes are positive.
Which I suppose gives me something else to ponder: If it is change I want and not necessarily a choice, how do I move towards that change?
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Thoughts on Choices and Powerlessness
One of those mornings where I have not the slightest idea what should write about.
I find myself buried in conflicting emotions: feelings of anger, feelings of being trapped, feelings of powerlessness. My life feels like - at least today - a cage that no matter how hard I try I cannot break out of.
The realization that no matter what I do in certain aspects of my life has had a debilitating effect. I was taught and trained that hard work in pursuit of a goal pays off. Now I am confronted with the fact that hard work in pursuit of a goal can, in fact, produce nothing - but the hard work is still expected.
Have I truly reached my shelf life - not in terms of expiration but in terms of significant change or advancement anywhere in my life?
I guess I kept hoping that there was a catalyst, that something that I would do would trigger the series of changes in my life. There is no catalyst that I can now see - it is as if life in general is retreating from the edges of my own life, leaving a gap which cannot now be bridged.
The sense of powerlessness is bothersome as well. My ability to make decisions or impacts on my own life seems to limited, if not gone. My ability to be the agent of determining some aspect of my destiny is stripped away, leaving only the ruts and paths of everyday life to be followed.
Choices? There seem to be none. The only impacts I could make on my life at the moment seem to be ones which would be harmful - suddenly quitting my job for example, or randomly deciding to break relationships. Nothing good, nothing forward looking, nothing involving make a choice for the better.
Is this the end result of a life lived "by the rules"? A cage of choices and tasks that responsible people do which deprives us of any ability to do anything else?
I find myself buried in conflicting emotions: feelings of anger, feelings of being trapped, feelings of powerlessness. My life feels like - at least today - a cage that no matter how hard I try I cannot break out of.
The realization that no matter what I do in certain aspects of my life has had a debilitating effect. I was taught and trained that hard work in pursuit of a goal pays off. Now I am confronted with the fact that hard work in pursuit of a goal can, in fact, produce nothing - but the hard work is still expected.
Have I truly reached my shelf life - not in terms of expiration but in terms of significant change or advancement anywhere in my life?
I guess I kept hoping that there was a catalyst, that something that I would do would trigger the series of changes in my life. There is no catalyst that I can now see - it is as if life in general is retreating from the edges of my own life, leaving a gap which cannot now be bridged.
The sense of powerlessness is bothersome as well. My ability to make decisions or impacts on my own life seems to limited, if not gone. My ability to be the agent of determining some aspect of my destiny is stripped away, leaving only the ruts and paths of everyday life to be followed.
Choices? There seem to be none. The only impacts I could make on my life at the moment seem to be ones which would be harmful - suddenly quitting my job for example, or randomly deciding to break relationships. Nothing good, nothing forward looking, nothing involving make a choice for the better.
Is this the end result of a life lived "by the rules"? A cage of choices and tasks that responsible people do which deprives us of any ability to do anything else?
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Self Confidence
Is self confidence possible without a vision?
This is the problem that brought itself to my mind yesterday as I trudged through another day. At the end of it, having accomplished much of what I wanted to do but not everything and looking forward to another day exactly the same, I suddenly felt abandoned by any sense of forward motion.
Self confidence is the life blood of success - without it, one cannot keep at the day to day activities required in the pursuit of a greater goal. One deeply has to believe in what one is trying to do and that one has the ability to do them in order to put one's self through the required activities necessarily to accomplish anything of value.
But is this self confidence possible without a vision?
I will be the first to admit that even on a good day I have problems with self confidence. I may acknowledge myself as skillful and even adequate, but the believe that I am capable to do much of what needs to be done often eludes me. I do not have a singular cause to pin this on - I do tend to be very goal oriented so that is an issue of course, and struggling through the realization that I am much more of a loyal lieutenant than a true leader can create the conception that I am not competent (although the world is in need of loyal lieutenants as much as true leaders).
But I lack a vision.
If you asked me what I could see myself doing I could give you a host of imagined possibilities - a shepherd, an author, a teacher of swordsmanship, a cheese maker, a vintner, a farmer. But if you asked me what I truly believed is possible in my life, I would simply sit there and stare at you blankly, start to speak once or twice, and then simply shake my head and say "I can't imagine anything." There is no vision, only the sense that today and tomorrow and the tomorrow after that will be exactly like yesterday was.
When your vision is simply a long landscape of what has already been and seeing no change to that future, the concept of self confidence becomes elusive - self confidence for what? To what end?
How do I resolve this? I am not really sure. Merely trying to gin up more confidence does not seem to get the job done because it is almost artificially generated and so there is no sustaining mechanism to keep it going. And my situation is so much of my life, while stable, is hardly the sort of situation that encourages a vision of an achievable future, let alone one I would much more like to be in.
But perhaps I have finally identified the problem. The question is: What do I do about it?
This is the problem that brought itself to my mind yesterday as I trudged through another day. At the end of it, having accomplished much of what I wanted to do but not everything and looking forward to another day exactly the same, I suddenly felt abandoned by any sense of forward motion.
Self confidence is the life blood of success - without it, one cannot keep at the day to day activities required in the pursuit of a greater goal. One deeply has to believe in what one is trying to do and that one has the ability to do them in order to put one's self through the required activities necessarily to accomplish anything of value.
But is this self confidence possible without a vision?
I will be the first to admit that even on a good day I have problems with self confidence. I may acknowledge myself as skillful and even adequate, but the believe that I am capable to do much of what needs to be done often eludes me. I do not have a singular cause to pin this on - I do tend to be very goal oriented so that is an issue of course, and struggling through the realization that I am much more of a loyal lieutenant than a true leader can create the conception that I am not competent (although the world is in need of loyal lieutenants as much as true leaders).
But I lack a vision.
If you asked me what I could see myself doing I could give you a host of imagined possibilities - a shepherd, an author, a teacher of swordsmanship, a cheese maker, a vintner, a farmer. But if you asked me what I truly believed is possible in my life, I would simply sit there and stare at you blankly, start to speak once or twice, and then simply shake my head and say "I can't imagine anything." There is no vision, only the sense that today and tomorrow and the tomorrow after that will be exactly like yesterday was.
When your vision is simply a long landscape of what has already been and seeing no change to that future, the concept of self confidence becomes elusive - self confidence for what? To what end?
How do I resolve this? I am not really sure. Merely trying to gin up more confidence does not seem to get the job done because it is almost artificially generated and so there is no sustaining mechanism to keep it going. And my situation is so much of my life, while stable, is hardly the sort of situation that encourages a vision of an achievable future, let alone one I would much more like to be in.
But perhaps I have finally identified the problem. The question is: What do I do about it?
Monday, June 10, 2013
Realtitude
As I was getting ready to switch over from my main blog page to writing, I saw the title from my last entry: "Reality and Attitude". Just as the page disappeared, a word came into my head: Realtitude. It was, of course, immediately followed by a definition:
"Realtitude (n): The attitude of dealing with reality as we find it, not as we wish to find it."
Life is a a constant challenge to deal with as we find it. Does this mean that we cannot change life as we find it? Not at all - every person that has ever met with success done this. But in the creation of their new reality (which is really what one does when one succeeds), one has to start where one is and with the tools that one has in hand.
In other words, we must face life with realtitude.
Without acknowledging life as it is (but not necessarily accepting that reality) we cripple ourselves from moving forward in the very beginning. It is one thing to begin climbing a long stair; it is another thing to try to climb a stair when the first four feet are missing but we pretend that they are not.
Realtitude is acknowledging that I am where I am by the choices I have made. It is acknowledging that if I want to do something different, I have to pay the price. It is coming to grips with the fact that life can be much more like what I want, but it is simply not that way at the present time - and no sense of wishing it better will change it.
Realtitude is not the same as optimism - or pessimism, for that matter. Each of these proposes an outlook on life and its circumstances. Realtitude merely seeks to establish that the circumstances one is in is really the circumstances one is in. From there, one can begin to map out the process of growth and moving forward from the reality we are in, not the reality we wish we were in.
Get real with reality. Get Realtitude.
"Realtitude (n): The attitude of dealing with reality as we find it, not as we wish to find it."
Life is a a constant challenge to deal with as we find it. Does this mean that we cannot change life as we find it? Not at all - every person that has ever met with success done this. But in the creation of their new reality (which is really what one does when one succeeds), one has to start where one is and with the tools that one has in hand.
In other words, we must face life with realtitude.
Without acknowledging life as it is (but not necessarily accepting that reality) we cripple ourselves from moving forward in the very beginning. It is one thing to begin climbing a long stair; it is another thing to try to climb a stair when the first four feet are missing but we pretend that they are not.
Realtitude is acknowledging that I am where I am by the choices I have made. It is acknowledging that if I want to do something different, I have to pay the price. It is coming to grips with the fact that life can be much more like what I want, but it is simply not that way at the present time - and no sense of wishing it better will change it.
Realtitude is not the same as optimism - or pessimism, for that matter. Each of these proposes an outlook on life and its circumstances. Realtitude merely seeks to establish that the circumstances one is in is really the circumstances one is in. From there, one can begin to map out the process of growth and moving forward from the reality we are in, not the reality we wish we were in.
Get real with reality. Get Realtitude.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Reality and Attitude
Reality can be a debilitating thing.
My return to the world of labor has been less spectacular than I had hoped. I suppose I thought that I would come back in re-energized, ready to see things through to their conclusion. Have recharged my mind and batteries I would return ready and able to begin the process of productiveness where I had left it before I went away.
But reality can be a debilitating thing.
There is nothing less motivating than a return to a mailbox that is full and projects which - in your absence - failed to move forward at all. And oh yes - the other small things that you also left on your plate as you left? They, too, had nothing done on them as well.
Suddenly you begin to look at the effort that you put in prior to vacation: was it truly worth it? You put the effort in to free yourself from the chains of concern for a brief time, yet the chains had just gone slack rather than been cut.
It drains your future efforts as well: where is the point of continuing to pour effort and time - really, pour in your life - to a thing which is less like a garden which is growing and more like a black hole which devours everything and leaves nothing in its wake. Your incentive to truly do more is left behind as your working self - the zombie-like apparition that commutes and walks through the door - goes about its daily tasks.
Is this resolvable? I am not quite sure. I am certain a small part of this remains due to the inevitable post vacation blues. The rest? I am not sure. My attitude is my own, to be sure - but the reality that I work in seems very much to not in my control.
Can attitude overcome reality as it exists? Certainly - there are too many examples to say otherwise. But these are always because the attitude of the individual is put towards something greater than the current reality, some great hope or dream that is sought?
Can the same be done when that which is not greater is present? That remains to be seen.
My return to the world of labor has been less spectacular than I had hoped. I suppose I thought that I would come back in re-energized, ready to see things through to their conclusion. Have recharged my mind and batteries I would return ready and able to begin the process of productiveness where I had left it before I went away.
But reality can be a debilitating thing.
There is nothing less motivating than a return to a mailbox that is full and projects which - in your absence - failed to move forward at all. And oh yes - the other small things that you also left on your plate as you left? They, too, had nothing done on them as well.
Suddenly you begin to look at the effort that you put in prior to vacation: was it truly worth it? You put the effort in to free yourself from the chains of concern for a brief time, yet the chains had just gone slack rather than been cut.
It drains your future efforts as well: where is the point of continuing to pour effort and time - really, pour in your life - to a thing which is less like a garden which is growing and more like a black hole which devours everything and leaves nothing in its wake. Your incentive to truly do more is left behind as your working self - the zombie-like apparition that commutes and walks through the door - goes about its daily tasks.
Is this resolvable? I am not quite sure. I am certain a small part of this remains due to the inevitable post vacation blues. The rest? I am not sure. My attitude is my own, to be sure - but the reality that I work in seems very much to not in my control.
Can attitude overcome reality as it exists? Certainly - there are too many examples to say otherwise. But these are always because the attitude of the individual is put towards something greater than the current reality, some great hope or dream that is sought?
Can the same be done when that which is not greater is present? That remains to be seen.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Writing
It all seems to come back to writing.
It does not matter what other ideas I come up with, what other plans I try to make, what other things I think I want to do: in the end, I come back to writing as the vehicle for doing what I want to do.
It seems ludicrous on the face of it, of course: I am not a well known writer by any stretch of the imagination. My books - such as they are - have made the best seller lists of precisely no-one. My blogs scattered here and there through interest seem to generate occasional interest, but nothing that would give any indication that this is the sort of career I can do.
But I must temper that with the other realities as well. While I have not sold a million books, I have sold 30 to date in less than a year - 30 which would have never been sold had I never tried. My blogs - especially this one, but others as well - continue to show modest growth over time as I continue to work on them.
The ideas are still there and are still coming. I am still learning, of course - dragging myself into the frame of mind where I enjoy editing, which has always been a chore to me, has proven to be difficult. But I had the experience yesterday of working on editing and suddenly having an epiphany that what I was doing really was adding value to what I had written before. There was a sense of improvement.
The greatest sense of possibility I have comes when I write. Writing requires no equipment except a computer, no investment save time and energy - which is a bit misleading, since the time and energy come from the same pool as everything else that is going on in my life.
I must, however, be honest with myself: there is limited time left in my days and in my life. Investing it wisely is a trust that I have been given. I must go with that which provides me the greatest joy, the greatest reward, the greatest sense of contributing to the world through the growth and (hopefully) the assistance of others to see things and consider things they had not previously done.
And that, it seems, all comes back to writing.
It does not matter what other ideas I come up with, what other plans I try to make, what other things I think I want to do: in the end, I come back to writing as the vehicle for doing what I want to do.
It seems ludicrous on the face of it, of course: I am not a well known writer by any stretch of the imagination. My books - such as they are - have made the best seller lists of precisely no-one. My blogs scattered here and there through interest seem to generate occasional interest, but nothing that would give any indication that this is the sort of career I can do.
But I must temper that with the other realities as well. While I have not sold a million books, I have sold 30 to date in less than a year - 30 which would have never been sold had I never tried. My blogs - especially this one, but others as well - continue to show modest growth over time as I continue to work on them.
The ideas are still there and are still coming. I am still learning, of course - dragging myself into the frame of mind where I enjoy editing, which has always been a chore to me, has proven to be difficult. But I had the experience yesterday of working on editing and suddenly having an epiphany that what I was doing really was adding value to what I had written before. There was a sense of improvement.
The greatest sense of possibility I have comes when I write. Writing requires no equipment except a computer, no investment save time and energy - which is a bit misleading, since the time and energy come from the same pool as everything else that is going on in my life.
I must, however, be honest with myself: there is limited time left in my days and in my life. Investing it wisely is a trust that I have been given. I must go with that which provides me the greatest joy, the greatest reward, the greatest sense of contributing to the world through the growth and (hopefully) the assistance of others to see things and consider things they had not previously done.
And that, it seems, all comes back to writing.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
The Providence of God: House Edition
Yesterday we finally closed on a house - it has been 14 months since we started the process. We initially found ourselves ready but unable to proceed due to leftover business which pushed us off until January of this year, when we suddenly were launched into a competitive housing market.
And yet, through this entire process, I can see the hand of God:
1) We were blessed with both a realtor and a mortgage lender who, when they found out we were not an immediate payoff, were none the less willing to work with us - and wait with us - until we could move forward.
2) When we could re-enter the housing market, rates were even lower than they were when we first started looking.
3) For the house that we settled on, we were the very first people to walk through the house. It had been on the market for two hours - and fortuitously I had the day off, so I could look at it. We were also blessed (again) by a tenacious realtor who made sure (on Easter Eve, of all things) that our offer was considered.
4) Due to our situation, we do not have a definitive move date. This worked well for the sellers, as they had a need to remain in the house for a while.
5) Not only were rates low (they have gone up a half point since we locked), but we locked on the precise day that the rebate was the greatest.
6) We were originally supposed to close on 30 May, but were delayed until 04 June. Initially this bothered me - until, by the work of our mortgage broker, we were able to delay paying our first mortgage payment until August 2013, which means we will have a very short overlap of paying two mortgages.
There are always those times where I wonder if we did the right thing, if we are where God intended us to be. Things like this occur, and suddenly it becomes quite evident that we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.
And yet, through this entire process, I can see the hand of God:
1) We were blessed with both a realtor and a mortgage lender who, when they found out we were not an immediate payoff, were none the less willing to work with us - and wait with us - until we could move forward.
2) When we could re-enter the housing market, rates were even lower than they were when we first started looking.
3) For the house that we settled on, we were the very first people to walk through the house. It had been on the market for two hours - and fortuitously I had the day off, so I could look at it. We were also blessed (again) by a tenacious realtor who made sure (on Easter Eve, of all things) that our offer was considered.
4) Due to our situation, we do not have a definitive move date. This worked well for the sellers, as they had a need to remain in the house for a while.
5) Not only were rates low (they have gone up a half point since we locked), but we locked on the precise day that the rebate was the greatest.
6) We were originally supposed to close on 30 May, but were delayed until 04 June. Initially this bothered me - until, by the work of our mortgage broker, we were able to delay paying our first mortgage payment until August 2013, which means we will have a very short overlap of paying two mortgages.
There are always those times where I wonder if we did the right thing, if we are where God intended us to be. Things like this occur, and suddenly it becomes quite evident that we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Changes Beneath The Surface
We hit a sort of dividing line this past week, one of those things about which you get a hint of having a lasting impact on your life but which you can currently only see the hints of the outlines at the time.
Nighean Gheal graduated from 8th grade last week. It means a host of of things - a new school, a realigning of interests and activities, even a sense that college is not too far distant in the future. A sense of passing is here, a sense I cannot fully understand.
We are also buying a house - theoretically today. It is interesting in that it feels different than the two previous house purchases we had undertaken. The first was the stage of happiness: "Hey, we're buying a house!". The second, purchased during the time of The Firm, had the sense of "Hey, we're buying the house that we want!". This one has much more of the sense of doing something because it is the sensible thing to do less than with an input of this being a life changing or life enhancing event.
My parents were out to visit this week as well. Their visit gave me an opportunity to put a temporary hold on virtually every activity that I have been doing lately. Besides the general sense of letting my body recover (for which it is extremely grateful), it has opened a series of questions for me: Why am I doing what I am doing? Should I still be doing it? Are my beliefs and assumptions about life the correct ones - or do I need to re-examine those as well and from there consider what I need to be doing now?
All of this is swirling around, even as I "enjoy" the last day of my vacation before I go back.
It nags at my conscious. It plays at the back of my mind. It is the sense that things are moving under the surface of my life - and that, soon enough, they will reveal themselves.
Nighean Gheal graduated from 8th grade last week. It means a host of of things - a new school, a realigning of interests and activities, even a sense that college is not too far distant in the future. A sense of passing is here, a sense I cannot fully understand.
We are also buying a house - theoretically today. It is interesting in that it feels different than the two previous house purchases we had undertaken. The first was the stage of happiness: "Hey, we're buying a house!". The second, purchased during the time of The Firm, had the sense of "Hey, we're buying the house that we want!". This one has much more of the sense of doing something because it is the sensible thing to do less than with an input of this being a life changing or life enhancing event.
My parents were out to visit this week as well. Their visit gave me an opportunity to put a temporary hold on virtually every activity that I have been doing lately. Besides the general sense of letting my body recover (for which it is extremely grateful), it has opened a series of questions for me: Why am I doing what I am doing? Should I still be doing it? Are my beliefs and assumptions about life the correct ones - or do I need to re-examine those as well and from there consider what I need to be doing now?
All of this is swirling around, even as I "enjoy" the last day of my vacation before I go back.
It nags at my conscious. It plays at the back of my mind. It is the sense that things are moving under the surface of my life - and that, soon enough, they will reveal themselves.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Heavier and Lighter
This Monday I finally finished re-wrapping my tsuka-ito..
This has been a long process - longer than I had initially intended. My last wrap of my hilt was not as tight as I needed it to be because it kept slipping over the folds. I kept meaning to get to it but kept finding reasons not to - it takes an afternoon to do it and I have always felt that my skills in this area are lacking.
As a result, I have found myself without my shinken for the better part of two months. In lieu of the shinken for practice I have been using my new bokuto - the longer version more reflective of the swords used in our style. I have been somewhat grumpy about this process: the bokuto is 3 inches longer and some pounds heavier than my previous version so my technique seems to have all come undone: my nukituske (draw) is much harder, with the sword not coming out like it is supposed to much of the time. My draw time is slower, my blocks less firm. It has put a certain amount of "unfun" in my daily practice.
But over the weekend I finally found the time I needed to finish my rewrap. I got it on the tsuka, let the knot dry, and then yesterday prepared to practice.
And was totally surprised.
The shinken was like a feather in my hand. My cuts flowed, my blocks were effortlessly. The drawing and sheathing of my shinken was like I have often tried to visualize it in my mind: smooth, quiet, almost reverent.
Suddenly the months of struggling through practice with the blade that was a little beyond me appeared as it really was: not just an exercise in learning to do the same activity better in a different way, but training the muscles in the use of something heavier and more bulky such that when the actual item is present, it was remarkably easy.
Will my bokuto practice immediately become easier? Of course not. I need to train to the heavier and longer blade - and besides, now I will have to consider a longer shinken (of 33 inches) to match my style. But now as I continue to try to cut and thrust, to block and sheathe, to see the blade dip low or move more slowly I can take comfort in the fact that it is not an exercise in futility. It is merely another exercise in training.
This has been a long process - longer than I had initially intended. My last wrap of my hilt was not as tight as I needed it to be because it kept slipping over the folds. I kept meaning to get to it but kept finding reasons not to - it takes an afternoon to do it and I have always felt that my skills in this area are lacking.
As a result, I have found myself without my shinken for the better part of two months. In lieu of the shinken for practice I have been using my new bokuto - the longer version more reflective of the swords used in our style. I have been somewhat grumpy about this process: the bokuto is 3 inches longer and some pounds heavier than my previous version so my technique seems to have all come undone: my nukituske (draw) is much harder, with the sword not coming out like it is supposed to much of the time. My draw time is slower, my blocks less firm. It has put a certain amount of "unfun" in my daily practice.
But over the weekend I finally found the time I needed to finish my rewrap. I got it on the tsuka, let the knot dry, and then yesterday prepared to practice.
And was totally surprised.
The shinken was like a feather in my hand. My cuts flowed, my blocks were effortlessly. The drawing and sheathing of my shinken was like I have often tried to visualize it in my mind: smooth, quiet, almost reverent.
Suddenly the months of struggling through practice with the blade that was a little beyond me appeared as it really was: not just an exercise in learning to do the same activity better in a different way, but training the muscles in the use of something heavier and more bulky such that when the actual item is present, it was remarkably easy.
Will my bokuto practice immediately become easier? Of course not. I need to train to the heavier and longer blade - and besides, now I will have to consider a longer shinken (of 33 inches) to match my style. But now as I continue to try to cut and thrust, to block and sheathe, to see the blade dip low or move more slowly I can take comfort in the fact that it is not an exercise in futility. It is merely another exercise in training.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
More and More
What do you do when everything you give is not enough?
I left work yesterday. I had just completed a SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) for an upcoming series of events. Looking at the presentation - which, while fun to create, consumed almost an hour - I suddenly was overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to performed to make all of that happen.
And then I started considering the (rather long) list of items I still have to accomplish to be able to "take" a vacation next week when we visitors. At this point it is almost a given that I will have to work one or more days this weekend just to clear out my inbox and desk, let alone to make any progress towards the SWOT analysis listed above.
In others words, I am tired. And I have a great deal that is expected of me - so much, in fact, that it seems that the only way to accomplish it all is to work semi-heroic hours to make it all happen.
To what end? This is the part that bothers me. There is really no carrot here, only a series of stick avoidance techniques. If I am successful in doing everything that needs to be done? It will tend to disappear back into the woodwork of daily activities. The time sunk in will be time lost forever, memories faded as soon as the next emergency arises. A new set of tasks, equally as critical, equally as many, will appear on the horizon. And, ultimately, this work will fade into the pastiche of my life of things I have worked on and companies I have worked for which no longer exist.
And if by the grace of God I am able to accomplish all of this, does this become the new "level" of expected activity?
Where does such a thought process end? Is the expectation that one will simple continue to double and triple down until, weighed down by the inability to go further, one is cast aside? Or is that one works to the point of failure - mental, physical - and attempt on the back side to recover from the aftermath?
I sense myself be drawn in to what I have to do. What I enjoy doing, what I would like to do, seems to be receding at a faster and faster pace for the reality of my life.
Perhaps this is simply the nature of things. But I seem to be unable to see the ultimate benefit of it.
I left work yesterday. I had just completed a SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) for an upcoming series of events. Looking at the presentation - which, while fun to create, consumed almost an hour - I suddenly was overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to performed to make all of that happen.
And then I started considering the (rather long) list of items I still have to accomplish to be able to "take" a vacation next week when we visitors. At this point it is almost a given that I will have to work one or more days this weekend just to clear out my inbox and desk, let alone to make any progress towards the SWOT analysis listed above.
In others words, I am tired. And I have a great deal that is expected of me - so much, in fact, that it seems that the only way to accomplish it all is to work semi-heroic hours to make it all happen.
To what end? This is the part that bothers me. There is really no carrot here, only a series of stick avoidance techniques. If I am successful in doing everything that needs to be done? It will tend to disappear back into the woodwork of daily activities. The time sunk in will be time lost forever, memories faded as soon as the next emergency arises. A new set of tasks, equally as critical, equally as many, will appear on the horizon. And, ultimately, this work will fade into the pastiche of my life of things I have worked on and companies I have worked for which no longer exist.
And if by the grace of God I am able to accomplish all of this, does this become the new "level" of expected activity?
Where does such a thought process end? Is the expectation that one will simple continue to double and triple down until, weighed down by the inability to go further, one is cast aside? Or is that one works to the point of failure - mental, physical - and attempt on the back side to recover from the aftermath?
I sense myself be drawn in to what I have to do. What I enjoy doing, what I would like to do, seems to be receding at a faster and faster pace for the reality of my life.
Perhaps this is simply the nature of things. But I seem to be unable to see the ultimate benefit of it.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
20th Anniversary
The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I had our 20th anniversary yesterday.
In my more lucid moments I wonder what I would have thought that a twenty year anniversary would look like. I am not sure that I particularly had a Hollywood view of marriage in my mind - in fact, I probably did not have much of a vision at all. Did I expect to married at 20 years? However, I am sure that whatever I visualized owed far more to the perceived image I had of marriage and less of the examples I had around me.
Interestingly anniversaries - beyond the first few and the very significant - seem to be a reflection of the life you are actually leading at the time. Last night was an example: wedged between tryouts (which were rescheduled), a senior management presentation, and finals we had an anniversary. We passed each other on the way home - she out to pick up, I inbound to get home. I was greeted by the Pest control guy, there to spray. Syrah the Mighty going crazy upstairs, the clock ticks well past seven before The Ravishing Mrs. TB got back. Dinner? Yes, we had better have that too. Blackened catfish and brown rice. By the time we got done with dinner and cleaning up, it was time for bed. After all, tomorrow is still a weekday.
Again, this is (I suppose) not what I pictured.
But what the society pictures (if not myself) is hardly the reality of life. By my sister-in-law's count we have been married something like 7,305 days. That is a long time - by my count, there are now only a handful of friends I am in contact with that I have known longer. And we have been through a great deal: the birth and raising of three children, home purchases, job losses, relocation, vacations, days where we probably did not care for each other a great deal and days that we did.
The reality of 20 years of marriage is that it is a very rich textured pattern of living - something which the idealized version of marriage simply cannot do justice to. In a way it dwells far more in the realm of science fiction and fantasy than that of romance - who can visualize at the time of marriage the actual realities of life being married?
So Happy Anniversary to The Ravishing Mrs. TB and many thanks for a life which, while perhaps unimagined and unexpected in many ways, has been far more than I ever could have imagined.
I Love You.
In my more lucid moments I wonder what I would have thought that a twenty year anniversary would look like. I am not sure that I particularly had a Hollywood view of marriage in my mind - in fact, I probably did not have much of a vision at all. Did I expect to married at 20 years? However, I am sure that whatever I visualized owed far more to the perceived image I had of marriage and less of the examples I had around me.
Interestingly anniversaries - beyond the first few and the very significant - seem to be a reflection of the life you are actually leading at the time. Last night was an example: wedged between tryouts (which were rescheduled), a senior management presentation, and finals we had an anniversary. We passed each other on the way home - she out to pick up, I inbound to get home. I was greeted by the Pest control guy, there to spray. Syrah the Mighty going crazy upstairs, the clock ticks well past seven before The Ravishing Mrs. TB got back. Dinner? Yes, we had better have that too. Blackened catfish and brown rice. By the time we got done with dinner and cleaning up, it was time for bed. After all, tomorrow is still a weekday.
Again, this is (I suppose) not what I pictured.
But what the society pictures (if not myself) is hardly the reality of life. By my sister-in-law's count we have been married something like 7,305 days. That is a long time - by my count, there are now only a handful of friends I am in contact with that I have known longer. And we have been through a great deal: the birth and raising of three children, home purchases, job losses, relocation, vacations, days where we probably did not care for each other a great deal and days that we did.
The reality of 20 years of marriage is that it is a very rich textured pattern of living - something which the idealized version of marriage simply cannot do justice to. In a way it dwells far more in the realm of science fiction and fantasy than that of romance - who can visualize at the time of marriage the actual realities of life being married?
So Happy Anniversary to The Ravishing Mrs. TB and many thanks for a life which, while perhaps unimagined and unexpected in many ways, has been far more than I ever could have imagined.
I Love You.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Truth
Is telling truth to yourself or others more difficult?
I ask this question pending the upcoming Truth Telling meeting that I perform as part of my employment, a time where I present metrics to management and say "This is what it is". In theory this is a truth telling moment, a chance to lay bare all the bad - and good - of what is going on.
The effectiveness of a meeting such as this - any meeting such as this - is dependent on two factors. The first, the willingness of people to receive the truth, is beyond my control. The second, the telling of the data as it lies, is within my control. But so often I stumble, fall short of what I could be doing? Why is this?
Truth is a pernicious thing. It is sharp. It is deadly. It can be a tool of healing - but it needs to presented to be effective. Truth that is never brought forth is no better than the lie that is.
But which is more difficult: telling the truth to one's self or to others?
I am too often tempted - as with the greater world around me- to come down on the first side. Telling the truth to one's self is never an easy thing. At its best it can be a cleansing tool or a freeing agent. But we are so often clever about the truth to ourselves - or so we are told. We like to evade the truth. We like to create walls the keep it from us, shade it in ways that make us feel better. We see it through eyes that make failures into successes, that make flaws into facets.
Much of this is true, of course. We do have ways to make the truth about ourselves less than full. We justify, we slide, we worm around. There is no doubt that telling the truth to one's self is a difficult and sometimes dangerous thing.
But after consideration, I believe I have come to the conclusion that it is the telling of truth to others that is the more difficult task.
We have to want to speak the truth in order to tell it to others. There is a sort of double vesting involved: we have to want to tell it and we have to tell it. Doing one or the other - wanting to tell it but not telling it or not wanting to tell it but telling something - will not accomplish the true work of the truth.
Also, telling the truth to one's self never involves a third party. Telling the truth to others does. And not just a third party - often a third party that has some ability to bring us weal or do us harm. They may control our careers, our personal lives, or relationships. Their opinions - and their actions - can make our lives a heaven or hell. It would be a lie to say that every time we engage in such an exercise, the thought of that control does not cross our minds.
How many times have I been confronted with the situation of telling the truth when I know that it will create issues for me? The history of such endeavors in my own life is not such to convince me that telling the truth results in the actions that I would hope for or desire.
But we desperately need the truth. Truth is to human relationships and interactions what data are to science: the building blocks by which we learn and move forward. Without data we cannot get to the true root cause of a problem or make a true advance; with truth we can also do neither of these things.
How will my meeting go? I am not really sure. But I do know that I sit today in a different place than I sat yesterday. My job - in my career as in my life - is to speak truth and be truthful.
Even if no-one, including myself, always listens.
I ask this question pending the upcoming Truth Telling meeting that I perform as part of my employment, a time where I present metrics to management and say "This is what it is". In theory this is a truth telling moment, a chance to lay bare all the bad - and good - of what is going on.
The effectiveness of a meeting such as this - any meeting such as this - is dependent on two factors. The first, the willingness of people to receive the truth, is beyond my control. The second, the telling of the data as it lies, is within my control. But so often I stumble, fall short of what I could be doing? Why is this?
Truth is a pernicious thing. It is sharp. It is deadly. It can be a tool of healing - but it needs to presented to be effective. Truth that is never brought forth is no better than the lie that is.
But which is more difficult: telling the truth to one's self or to others?
I am too often tempted - as with the greater world around me- to come down on the first side. Telling the truth to one's self is never an easy thing. At its best it can be a cleansing tool or a freeing agent. But we are so often clever about the truth to ourselves - or so we are told. We like to evade the truth. We like to create walls the keep it from us, shade it in ways that make us feel better. We see it through eyes that make failures into successes, that make flaws into facets.
Much of this is true, of course. We do have ways to make the truth about ourselves less than full. We justify, we slide, we worm around. There is no doubt that telling the truth to one's self is a difficult and sometimes dangerous thing.
But after consideration, I believe I have come to the conclusion that it is the telling of truth to others that is the more difficult task.
We have to want to speak the truth in order to tell it to others. There is a sort of double vesting involved: we have to want to tell it and we have to tell it. Doing one or the other - wanting to tell it but not telling it or not wanting to tell it but telling something - will not accomplish the true work of the truth.
Also, telling the truth to one's self never involves a third party. Telling the truth to others does. And not just a third party - often a third party that has some ability to bring us weal or do us harm. They may control our careers, our personal lives, or relationships. Their opinions - and their actions - can make our lives a heaven or hell. It would be a lie to say that every time we engage in such an exercise, the thought of that control does not cross our minds.
How many times have I been confronted with the situation of telling the truth when I know that it will create issues for me? The history of such endeavors in my own life is not such to convince me that telling the truth results in the actions that I would hope for or desire.
But we desperately need the truth. Truth is to human relationships and interactions what data are to science: the building blocks by which we learn and move forward. Without data we cannot get to the true root cause of a problem or make a true advance; with truth we can also do neither of these things.
How will my meeting go? I am not really sure. But I do know that I sit today in a different place than I sat yesterday. My job - in my career as in my life - is to speak truth and be truthful.
Even if no-one, including myself, always listens.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Tron
Tron has always fascinated me.
My fascination with the movie started long ago when it first came out. I was in high school and on the fringes of the budding video game revolution. I was one of those who went to pizza parlors not necessarily to eat pizza but to engage in battles with Defender, Beserk and a horde of games now lost.
I loved Tron the first time I saw it - not so much for the wonder of the computer graphics (which was the actual boundary pusher of the film) so much as for the concept: life inside of a computer. What child of that era would not have been excited by the concept of spending an entire lifetime playing video games (ignoring the part about deresolution and death, of course)?
I am largely alone in my fascination in my household. Na Teaghlach will tolerate watching the movie from time to time, if grudgingly. It is, I suppose, interesting in a clinical fashion that their interest is not nearly that of mine: the graphics are (by now) 30 years old and the story (stripped of its graphics) is no more unusual than a score of other fiction: a young hero from somewhere else arrives to fight the archenemy of freedom who seeks to control everything.
When Tron: Legacy came out we trooped off to watch that as well. While the enjoyment was there (and the visit to Flynn's old archive with the vintage video games and the Journey soundtrack was nostalgia personified) the movie was different to me. Part of this, of course, is simply the change of time for both the movie and myself. The main character (Flynn) is no longer the hot shot programmer and saviour of the Grid but is now almost 30 years older, a man - the Creator of the World, as it were - trapped in the system away from his son and his life. The movie now revolves much less around the fight for freedom (although it is there) and much more about a man considering how he has spent the last 20 years of his life, encased in a world he created but cannot escape. The thoughts, oddly enough, reflect on thoughts of my own: the brevity of life, the importance of how we spend it, and the realization that sometimes getting what we wanted was not really what was best.
Now I am watching Tron: Uprising with Nighean Dhonn. This is yet a different reboot of the franchise. The concept of Tron and the fight for freedom is still there but this goes a step further by concentrating much more on the life and feelings of a single character, Beck, who has been selected and trained by Tron. Again the action and fighting is still there but in this incarnation there is a greater sense of actual life on the grid and the observation of some character development. Even as I watch it with her now there is a greater sense of wisdom as I watch it - not just the excitement of living in a computer game, but real thoughts about freedom and interactions of individuals within an authoritative system.
Will there be more Tron? Rumors drift on the web of course but nothing certain comes to life. Still, I find it interesting that after 30 years I can still find action and excitement in something from long ago - and not just action and excitement, but enjoyment and a thought provoking exercise.
My fascination with the movie started long ago when it first came out. I was in high school and on the fringes of the budding video game revolution. I was one of those who went to pizza parlors not necessarily to eat pizza but to engage in battles with Defender, Beserk and a horde of games now lost.
I loved Tron the first time I saw it - not so much for the wonder of the computer graphics (which was the actual boundary pusher of the film) so much as for the concept: life inside of a computer. What child of that era would not have been excited by the concept of spending an entire lifetime playing video games (ignoring the part about deresolution and death, of course)?
I am largely alone in my fascination in my household. Na Teaghlach will tolerate watching the movie from time to time, if grudgingly. It is, I suppose, interesting in a clinical fashion that their interest is not nearly that of mine: the graphics are (by now) 30 years old and the story (stripped of its graphics) is no more unusual than a score of other fiction: a young hero from somewhere else arrives to fight the archenemy of freedom who seeks to control everything.
When Tron: Legacy came out we trooped off to watch that as well. While the enjoyment was there (and the visit to Flynn's old archive with the vintage video games and the Journey soundtrack was nostalgia personified) the movie was different to me. Part of this, of course, is simply the change of time for both the movie and myself. The main character (Flynn) is no longer the hot shot programmer and saviour of the Grid but is now almost 30 years older, a man - the Creator of the World, as it were - trapped in the system away from his son and his life. The movie now revolves much less around the fight for freedom (although it is there) and much more about a man considering how he has spent the last 20 years of his life, encased in a world he created but cannot escape. The thoughts, oddly enough, reflect on thoughts of my own: the brevity of life, the importance of how we spend it, and the realization that sometimes getting what we wanted was not really what was best.
Now I am watching Tron: Uprising with Nighean Dhonn. This is yet a different reboot of the franchise. The concept of Tron and the fight for freedom is still there but this goes a step further by concentrating much more on the life and feelings of a single character, Beck, who has been selected and trained by Tron. Again the action and fighting is still there but in this incarnation there is a greater sense of actual life on the grid and the observation of some character development. Even as I watch it with her now there is a greater sense of wisdom as I watch it - not just the excitement of living in a computer game, but real thoughts about freedom and interactions of individuals within an authoritative system.
Will there be more Tron? Rumors drift on the web of course but nothing certain comes to life. Still, I find it interesting that after 30 years I can still find action and excitement in something from long ago - and not just action and excitement, but enjoyment and a thought provoking exercise.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Finding The Time
As an exercise this week I constructed a list of what had to occur at work in the next 45 days. The list, which ran to three pages when I was done, did not have the direct impact I was hoping for in some people but it did give me pause to stop and think about everything that I had to do.
I then went ahead and started to map out my calendar for the next 45 days. Suddenly, with a vacation and a seminar and two audits, my 45 days had dwindled down to something more like 33. And that is business days - my actual weekdays became something more like 25.
Obviously this is a little less time than I had intended to have.
But the work is still there. And, as has been politely pointed out to me, this work will have a significant impact on my short and midterm future - so it needs to get done. And so a shift has occurred in my thinking at work, from how much there is to do to how am I going to get this all done.
It is a subtle thing, this accepting of things that they are and then trying to figure out how they are going to get done. The energy that I have has been redirected into moving forward on items - or, in a surprise to me, starting to meaningfully delegate items to others for completion and then following up with them on those issues.
It has also changed how I view hours - in other words how I find the time. By treating certain things, such as my vacation and seminar, as inviolate and something that cannot be changed (and something which I intend to think about work or daily tasks as little as possible) I readjust my thinking to how I can extract the maximum amount of work out of the time I have.
Am I truly more efficient? I do not know that I can say that yet - ask me in 45 days. What I can say, at least for now, it that some sort of corner seems to have been turned in how I view time and accomplishments, at least in the work setting. It remains to be seen if this change is of a permanent nature- and if it will grant the rewards it is hinting at.
I then went ahead and started to map out my calendar for the next 45 days. Suddenly, with a vacation and a seminar and two audits, my 45 days had dwindled down to something more like 33. And that is business days - my actual weekdays became something more like 25.
Obviously this is a little less time than I had intended to have.
But the work is still there. And, as has been politely pointed out to me, this work will have a significant impact on my short and midterm future - so it needs to get done. And so a shift has occurred in my thinking at work, from how much there is to do to how am I going to get this all done.
It is a subtle thing, this accepting of things that they are and then trying to figure out how they are going to get done. The energy that I have has been redirected into moving forward on items - or, in a surprise to me, starting to meaningfully delegate items to others for completion and then following up with them on those issues.
It has also changed how I view hours - in other words how I find the time. By treating certain things, such as my vacation and seminar, as inviolate and something that cannot be changed (and something which I intend to think about work or daily tasks as little as possible) I readjust my thinking to how I can extract the maximum amount of work out of the time I have.
Am I truly more efficient? I do not know that I can say that yet - ask me in 45 days. What I can say, at least for now, it that some sort of corner seems to have been turned in how I view time and accomplishments, at least in the work setting. It remains to be seen if this change is of a permanent nature- and if it will grant the rewards it is hinting at.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Stepping up
There is a thin line between stepping up and being used, a line of which I am trying to ascertain the location.
Stepping up, of course, it that series of events that occurs when one is called upon to go above and beyond. It can be in the pursuit of a higher position or goal or it can simply be because one is suddenly called to greater efforts for a particular need. Being used, on the other hand, is that series of events in which someone else takes the effort and work and uses them to further their own goals, neither recognizing the effort nor respecting the one who performed it.
The difficulty is in the recognition of that effort. I can make heroic efforts believing myself to be in the spirit and practice of stepping up; others may simply see it (and use it!) as an expectation of what they wanted rather than a form of additional effort. Expectations, it seems, can be moving targets dependent as much on the person who determines what the actual target is as on the circumstances in a situation.
How do I resolve this? As I have pondered before, I am reaching a crossroads one way or the other in my career: on one road I restart a climb up the road to higher position (one which has been sorely delayed), on the other I become one of the "untouchables", someone who has been in a position so long that they become unpromotable, trapped in a position from which they can never escape. I want to step up of course, but in my mind I look back over the last period of time and wonder how much more I can step up than what I already have. Certainly there are areas that I can make difference in but those seem few and far between as my days are already full.
Or is it the audience? Need I play to a different crowd than the one I am currently dealing with? Perhaps it is not so much that my efforts are not enough as they are unseen. Sometimes much of what we do gets lost when we allow it to wander through filters not of our own making, through individuals who have a vested interest in making sure they look good - even if the labor comes from someone else.
Perhaps stepping up is not so completely a matter of effort as I had originally imagined. It is the combination of effort plus audience. And perhaps the takeaway is that if you desire a greater recognition of your increased efforts, play to a larger audience.
Stepping up, of course, it that series of events that occurs when one is called upon to go above and beyond. It can be in the pursuit of a higher position or goal or it can simply be because one is suddenly called to greater efforts for a particular need. Being used, on the other hand, is that series of events in which someone else takes the effort and work and uses them to further their own goals, neither recognizing the effort nor respecting the one who performed it.
The difficulty is in the recognition of that effort. I can make heroic efforts believing myself to be in the spirit and practice of stepping up; others may simply see it (and use it!) as an expectation of what they wanted rather than a form of additional effort. Expectations, it seems, can be moving targets dependent as much on the person who determines what the actual target is as on the circumstances in a situation.
How do I resolve this? As I have pondered before, I am reaching a crossroads one way or the other in my career: on one road I restart a climb up the road to higher position (one which has been sorely delayed), on the other I become one of the "untouchables", someone who has been in a position so long that they become unpromotable, trapped in a position from which they can never escape. I want to step up of course, but in my mind I look back over the last period of time and wonder how much more I can step up than what I already have. Certainly there are areas that I can make difference in but those seem few and far between as my days are already full.
Or is it the audience? Need I play to a different crowd than the one I am currently dealing with? Perhaps it is not so much that my efforts are not enough as they are unseen. Sometimes much of what we do gets lost when we allow it to wander through filters not of our own making, through individuals who have a vested interest in making sure they look good - even if the labor comes from someone else.
Perhaps stepping up is not so completely a matter of effort as I had originally imagined. It is the combination of effort plus audience. And perhaps the takeaway is that if you desire a greater recognition of your increased efforts, play to a larger audience.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Accountable but Not Responsible
How does one manage when one is not in charge but is held accountable as if one is?
This is the situation that I faced yet again for the X-teenth time at work: a project which was supposedly critical and needed to be done - demanded, actually - for which, when a plan is presented, is promptly torn apart, red-lined, told how to be executed without offering any support in executing it, and then promptly left with the "This is what we should do." All with a 40 minute meeting to discuss the thing.
The takeaway for me: I am to be given all the responsibility and accountability for being in charge, but I actually have no authority to make my own decisions to design and/or execute on the plan. My job is to create the work, patiently wait for my betters to "fix" it, and then humbly accept that I will do all the work. Oh yes, and that they will get all the credit.
I cannot tell you how unbelievably discouraged I was as I walked back to my desk. Staring at the pile of work that was already present, I sighed deeply in frustration. It is as if I have no ability to actually influence my job or even my career - instead, I am a small cog who has been robbed of even the causality of actions. My job, it seems, is to shut up, thank my betters, and work harder. And to accept responsibility for things that I had nothing to do with.
My question is how to deal with this. This is not the first time this has happened since my arrival here. Certainly there seems to be no change come from any other quarter and I really have no other option in terms of others to go to. Do I simply be quiet and seethe as I continue to try to make headway? Do I (once again) raise the issue as a point of discussion, risking looking like "that nagging employee who is never happy"? Or do I simply quash any sense of aspiration or self worth and accept that I am tool to be used by above me, having no independent thought or action but being completely willing to be sacrificed when something goes wrong?
How does one change the course of one's work life?
This is the situation that I faced yet again for the X-teenth time at work: a project which was supposedly critical and needed to be done - demanded, actually - for which, when a plan is presented, is promptly torn apart, red-lined, told how to be executed without offering any support in executing it, and then promptly left with the "This is what we should do." All with a 40 minute meeting to discuss the thing.
The takeaway for me: I am to be given all the responsibility and accountability for being in charge, but I actually have no authority to make my own decisions to design and/or execute on the plan. My job is to create the work, patiently wait for my betters to "fix" it, and then humbly accept that I will do all the work. Oh yes, and that they will get all the credit.
I cannot tell you how unbelievably discouraged I was as I walked back to my desk. Staring at the pile of work that was already present, I sighed deeply in frustration. It is as if I have no ability to actually influence my job or even my career - instead, I am a small cog who has been robbed of even the causality of actions. My job, it seems, is to shut up, thank my betters, and work harder. And to accept responsibility for things that I had nothing to do with.
My question is how to deal with this. This is not the first time this has happened since my arrival here. Certainly there seems to be no change come from any other quarter and I really have no other option in terms of others to go to. Do I simply be quiet and seethe as I continue to try to make headway? Do I (once again) raise the issue as a point of discussion, risking looking like "that nagging employee who is never happy"? Or do I simply quash any sense of aspiration or self worth and accept that I am tool to be used by above me, having no independent thought or action but being completely willing to be sacrificed when something goes wrong?
How does one change the course of one's work life?
Monday, May 13, 2013
Clearing Out Paper
Yesterday came the cleaning out paper.
There is a process which always seems to happen (or at least should happen) each and every time one contemplates a move. It is called The Cleaning. It can also be known as The Clearing, The Mucking Out, or even The Great Piling for The Even Greater Fire (or Yard Sale, depending on flammability). It is the process by which one goes through and begin to evaluate and dispose of everything that came with one from the last location.
As always, I am amazed by the types and amounts of paper that we store. It is not just the items you would expect - tax receipts and paperwork from old businesses, old bills - but things that just over run your filing and your piling: manuals to things you now longer have, checkbooks from 4 years ago, benefits paperwork from 3 years ago. Piles and piles of materials that were given to you as important which you, in turn, carefully preserved in locations hidden away and thereby forgotten.
Paper is recyclable - which is good, I suppose. The bad part is that we seem to feel the need to get and print out so much of it, treasuring it to ourselves as a precious items when it fact so much of it is merely for informational purposes or even worse, really for nothing at all.
Every time we seem to do this it serves as a reminder to me of what I am trying to do with preserving all of this paper - indeed, with so much of what we keep and store. Am I doing this out of habit? Am I doing this out of some deep need to hold on to items? Or am I simply being lazy up front, not questioning each and every thing as it touches my hands?
I am not like this at work at all. Except when I am quite busy (and so lose the time to organize) my desk and draws are clean and virtually empty. I hate clutter. I hate losing things on my desk only to find out that they were needed later and being "that person" - the person that held something up because it was lost. And yet seemingly this personal behaviour gets left at the work door.
We are done with paper at this point so I imagine we will be moving on to other items, other boxes, other tubs to review and clean. My hope is that with the paper, we can once again begin to make some space amidst the clutter - not only for the physical benefit of not moving it, but for the sense of serenity and peace it brings to the mind.
There is a process which always seems to happen (or at least should happen) each and every time one contemplates a move. It is called The Cleaning. It can also be known as The Clearing, The Mucking Out, or even The Great Piling for The Even Greater Fire (or Yard Sale, depending on flammability). It is the process by which one goes through and begin to evaluate and dispose of everything that came with one from the last location.
As always, I am amazed by the types and amounts of paper that we store. It is not just the items you would expect - tax receipts and paperwork from old businesses, old bills - but things that just over run your filing and your piling: manuals to things you now longer have, checkbooks from 4 years ago, benefits paperwork from 3 years ago. Piles and piles of materials that were given to you as important which you, in turn, carefully preserved in locations hidden away and thereby forgotten.
Paper is recyclable - which is good, I suppose. The bad part is that we seem to feel the need to get and print out so much of it, treasuring it to ourselves as a precious items when it fact so much of it is merely for informational purposes or even worse, really for nothing at all.
Every time we seem to do this it serves as a reminder to me of what I am trying to do with preserving all of this paper - indeed, with so much of what we keep and store. Am I doing this out of habit? Am I doing this out of some deep need to hold on to items? Or am I simply being lazy up front, not questioning each and every thing as it touches my hands?
I am not like this at work at all. Except when I am quite busy (and so lose the time to organize) my desk and draws are clean and virtually empty. I hate clutter. I hate losing things on my desk only to find out that they were needed later and being "that person" - the person that held something up because it was lost. And yet seemingly this personal behaviour gets left at the work door.
We are done with paper at this point so I imagine we will be moving on to other items, other boxes, other tubs to review and clean. My hope is that with the paper, we can once again begin to make some space amidst the clutter - not only for the physical benefit of not moving it, but for the sense of serenity and peace it brings to the mind.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Demands of Time and Task III
How do I believe in the tasks that I set for myself, that such are as important and achievable as anything that is set before me in the professional environment? This is the problem I must confront and address if I am to be able to make a commitment that is as firm to doing my own items as it is to dedicating extra time to the demands of others.
Ultimately it comes from a core - a core that at it center states "I can do this". "This" can be defined as any number of things - including things which I have never attempted or accomplished before. But even not having attempted them before, the core maintains the assertion that if I try something, I can do it.
Do I have a history of this? I do, if I sit and think about it for a minute. There are many things that I have tried and done - perhaps with varying levels of success, but in every case with some level of success. In fact if I sit and think about it, the times that I have completely failed at something are very few.
But they are always in my mind. Here is a second issue. The failures always seem to rise to the top far quicker than the successes do as if rushing to make themselves seen and heard. And it they do not immediately make themselves there, the partial successes come to take their place - those things that I tried and perhaps did not completely fail at but did not completely succeed in the way that I had thought.
How to combat it? The only thing I can think of is to begin to build a mental binder of successes.
The Woodsman in Build A Bridge says the same thing:
"But remember what I just told you - you need to ensure that you take a moment to recognize the fact that you have completed what you started out to do. This is the true reward, not just the destination that you are reaching. You will build many bridges and go to many destinations; every completed bridge will become a picture in your mind until you have a gallery of bridges which will mark you progress through life."
When those thoughts of failure leap up I need to combat them with pictures of successes. When thoughts of driving myself away from those tasks I want to accomplish to I need to go back to those pictures of the times I have accomplished and dwell not just on the accomplishment but how I felt when I achieved it, because the feeling of achieving an accomplishment is inevitably much greater than the degraded sense of relief I feel checking another thing off my work "to do" list.
I cannot control the demands made on me by the outside. What I can control is what I see and adhere to as a vision on the inside. The choice to dwell and believe on that which I can do rather than that which I cannot is not something that anyone can make me do even as it is not something anyone can do for me. In the end, demands of time and task are deterimined not so much by those making the demands as they are by what I am willing to believe in - and in believing, to accomplish.
Ultimately it comes from a core - a core that at it center states "I can do this". "This" can be defined as any number of things - including things which I have never attempted or accomplished before. But even not having attempted them before, the core maintains the assertion that if I try something, I can do it.
Do I have a history of this? I do, if I sit and think about it for a minute. There are many things that I have tried and done - perhaps with varying levels of success, but in every case with some level of success. In fact if I sit and think about it, the times that I have completely failed at something are very few.
But they are always in my mind. Here is a second issue. The failures always seem to rise to the top far quicker than the successes do as if rushing to make themselves seen and heard. And it they do not immediately make themselves there, the partial successes come to take their place - those things that I tried and perhaps did not completely fail at but did not completely succeed in the way that I had thought.
How to combat it? The only thing I can think of is to begin to build a mental binder of successes.
The Woodsman in Build A Bridge says the same thing:
"But remember what I just told you - you need to ensure that you take a moment to recognize the fact that you have completed what you started out to do. This is the true reward, not just the destination that you are reaching. You will build many bridges and go to many destinations; every completed bridge will become a picture in your mind until you have a gallery of bridges which will mark you progress through life."
When those thoughts of failure leap up I need to combat them with pictures of successes. When thoughts of driving myself away from those tasks I want to accomplish to I need to go back to those pictures of the times I have accomplished and dwell not just on the accomplishment but how I felt when I achieved it, because the feeling of achieving an accomplishment is inevitably much greater than the degraded sense of relief I feel checking another thing off my work "to do" list.
I cannot control the demands made on me by the outside. What I can control is what I see and adhere to as a vision on the inside. The choice to dwell and believe on that which I can do rather than that which I cannot is not something that anyone can make me do even as it is not something anyone can do for me. In the end, demands of time and task are deterimined not so much by those making the demands as they are by what I am willing to believe in - and in believing, to accomplish.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Demands of TIme and Task II
Why do I so easily conform to the demands of extra time when placed upon me by work and am so willing to surrender time which is to spent on myself even though I believe that one will not improve my life over time and the other will?
I can make the simple argument of reality, that one directly pays me a salary and one does not has a noticeable and realistic impact on my decision making. And to some extent that is true: I need money to survive. But the frequency and the reckless abandon with which I seem so willing to do this suggests something more than mere economics at work.
What I am wondering is that if, in my heart of hearts, I truly do not believe that what I am trying to do is going to move me forward at all.
There is an argument to made for this. Only effort in my career area has moved me forward in parts of my life, no matter how fitful that progress has been. Certainly many of the activities I have tried in the past and even some career choices never produced any more than a brief change to my life, if not a series of unintended negative consequences. And anything I consider at this point is quite likely years away from producing anything more than a sense of satisfaction doing something I enjoy.
And yet I still so easily turn away.
The irony of the situation is that the additional efforts spent in pursuit of my "career" seem equally as unproductive in the long run. The work is always followed by additional work; the effort is effaced in the cascading tasks that continually flow across my desk. The only thing that additional effort seems to supply is the fact that such effort is available and can be used with more frequency.
This is the core of the issue then: what do I believe in? Do I believe in myself such that saying "No" and drawing boundaries and putting the time into the "Yes" something else is something that I can do? Or have I become so ingrained with the division of work/life and the evidence that I cannot really do what I set out to do that I am subconsciously compensating for the fact - that I am willing to say "yes" because in my heart I know the other will lead to nothing?
If true - that I have no confidence in myself and my abilities and that I am compensating - then this is worst of all possible worlds: wanting something else desperately yet not having the belief that such a thing can be accomplished. Allowed to run roughshod and free it will continue to create a situation where the guilt of not doing on the one hand and the perception of not being able to on the other will always create a hammer and anvil of despair: always wanting to be more but never believing such a thing is possible.
How do I overcome this?
I can make the simple argument of reality, that one directly pays me a salary and one does not has a noticeable and realistic impact on my decision making. And to some extent that is true: I need money to survive. But the frequency and the reckless abandon with which I seem so willing to do this suggests something more than mere economics at work.
What I am wondering is that if, in my heart of hearts, I truly do not believe that what I am trying to do is going to move me forward at all.
There is an argument to made for this. Only effort in my career area has moved me forward in parts of my life, no matter how fitful that progress has been. Certainly many of the activities I have tried in the past and even some career choices never produced any more than a brief change to my life, if not a series of unintended negative consequences. And anything I consider at this point is quite likely years away from producing anything more than a sense of satisfaction doing something I enjoy.
And yet I still so easily turn away.
The irony of the situation is that the additional efforts spent in pursuit of my "career" seem equally as unproductive in the long run. The work is always followed by additional work; the effort is effaced in the cascading tasks that continually flow across my desk. The only thing that additional effort seems to supply is the fact that such effort is available and can be used with more frequency.
This is the core of the issue then: what do I believe in? Do I believe in myself such that saying "No" and drawing boundaries and putting the time into the "Yes" something else is something that I can do? Or have I become so ingrained with the division of work/life and the evidence that I cannot really do what I set out to do that I am subconsciously compensating for the fact - that I am willing to say "yes" because in my heart I know the other will lead to nothing?
If true - that I have no confidence in myself and my abilities and that I am compensating - then this is worst of all possible worlds: wanting something else desperately yet not having the belief that such a thing can be accomplished. Allowed to run roughshod and free it will continue to create a situation where the guilt of not doing on the one hand and the perception of not being able to on the other will always create a hammer and anvil of despair: always wanting to be more but never believing such a thing is possible.
How do I overcome this?
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Demands of Time and Task I
How should I allocate my time?
I am faced with a dilemma. The workload I now balance is becoming increasingly precarious due to the fact of increased activities and acting in the place of two positions at once. As a result of this I am confronted with the issue that in order to do the work that needs to be done I have to increase my time spent at work by approximately 10-15 hours a week. Where would this extra time be drawn from? From working on my own projects, on those things I hope can someday sustain me beyond what I now do.
This frustrates me on two levels. The first one is obvious: whenever a position requires significantly more time and effort than what is typical for a position, frustration mounts because the expectation is that the work will get done, no matter where the effort comes from. The fact that there tends to be disinterest where that effort comes from detracts somewhat from the drive to see the things accomplished.
But the deeper frustration, the one which haunts me, is the assumption by myself that this is what I will do.
This is a recurring theme in my life. When required to do so by outside influences, I inevitably seem to "dig deep" and get the task accomplished. When confronted by the same concept in my own life - tasks which need significant amounts of time and effort to accomplish - I often cannot muster the same amount of drive. Worse, I am willing to sacrifice them for the demands of the tasks generated from the outside.
Why is this? Is is that I do not value what I am trying to do? I should - after all, what I am working on is ultimately designed to benefit my life (in theory anyway). Effort spent in that arena will, with the appropriate time spent, result in direct benefits to my physical and psychic health. Effort spent in the first arena will at best remove a monkey from my back which will be quickly replaced by another one requiring similar demands.
In the first scenario - demands generated by outside influences - I can legitimately say that the ultimate accomplishment of the tasks resulted in nothing significant or lasting in my life. Those from the second scenario I have taken through to conclusion have almost always done so.
Which leads me back to my question: Why do I easily do one and refuse to do the other?
I am faced with a dilemma. The workload I now balance is becoming increasingly precarious due to the fact of increased activities and acting in the place of two positions at once. As a result of this I am confronted with the issue that in order to do the work that needs to be done I have to increase my time spent at work by approximately 10-15 hours a week. Where would this extra time be drawn from? From working on my own projects, on those things I hope can someday sustain me beyond what I now do.
This frustrates me on two levels. The first one is obvious: whenever a position requires significantly more time and effort than what is typical for a position, frustration mounts because the expectation is that the work will get done, no matter where the effort comes from. The fact that there tends to be disinterest where that effort comes from detracts somewhat from the drive to see the things accomplished.
But the deeper frustration, the one which haunts me, is the assumption by myself that this is what I will do.
This is a recurring theme in my life. When required to do so by outside influences, I inevitably seem to "dig deep" and get the task accomplished. When confronted by the same concept in my own life - tasks which need significant amounts of time and effort to accomplish - I often cannot muster the same amount of drive. Worse, I am willing to sacrifice them for the demands of the tasks generated from the outside.
Why is this? Is is that I do not value what I am trying to do? I should - after all, what I am working on is ultimately designed to benefit my life (in theory anyway). Effort spent in that arena will, with the appropriate time spent, result in direct benefits to my physical and psychic health. Effort spent in the first arena will at best remove a monkey from my back which will be quickly replaced by another one requiring similar demands.
In the first scenario - demands generated by outside influences - I can legitimately say that the ultimate accomplishment of the tasks resulted in nothing significant or lasting in my life. Those from the second scenario I have taken through to conclusion have almost always done so.
Which leads me back to my question: Why do I easily do one and refuse to do the other?
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Plans, Goals, Change
"If you go to work on your goals, your goals will go to work on you. If you go to work on your plan, your plan will go to work on you. Whatever good things we build, end up building us." - Jim Rohn
Goals and plans are funny things. We tend to think of them as third party objects which we create and execute on. There may be physical executions and the outcome of the goals may be real things but the goals and plans remain (in our mind) something we have thought our or written out on paper, brought to life ex nihilo of our minds.
The reality is that goals and plans are in fact imbued with a certain amount of life. Perhaps not life as we know it, but life.
We as people are not unchanging items in a universe of change but are in fact equally as malleable as any other living thing. We may believe that we are not - we are "pessimists" or "optimists" or "really not good at anything" - but as we move through time we realize that our opinions of ourselves, much like photos, are merely a snapshot in time. It is the whole of the life that must be considered.
And this is where those goals and plans come in.
By working on the plans and goals, what we find - maybe only after the fact - is that we are molded by that for which we are working for. For example, I may start out wanting to do Highland Athletics. What I may find is not only do I get better at Highland Athletics but that I also learn to make connections with others in an environment very different from the one I typically work in; in other words I develop social skills.
Or take Iaido. I learn to use the bokuto and the shinken; what I learn by learning is the hard art of practicing and the concept of continual improvement. These concepts begin to impact other areas of my life as well: I do not just throw at Highland Games to throw, I throw to make a new personal best that may be measured only in inches; my cheese making becomes not the pursuit of one perfect cheese but the continual improvement of my cheese making art.
This concept is a subtle one and certainly not one I personally appreciated (or even knew about) growing up but I believe was (and is) evident in the minds of my teachers and the meaningful adults in my life. They knew, as they know now, the outcome of such goals and plans; I believe they understood then (as I only understand now) that one of their tasks is imbue this into the lives of their students, even if unconsciously.
I cannot promise that every goal or every plan will change one dramatically; certainly within my own life there are plenty of accomplishments which seem not to have scratched the surface of my personality. But I can only believe that like those that have consciously impacted my behavior these also in time will give rise to results that will make me say "I am glad I decided to do that. Look at what it did in my life."
Goals and plans are funny things. We tend to think of them as third party objects which we create and execute on. There may be physical executions and the outcome of the goals may be real things but the goals and plans remain (in our mind) something we have thought our or written out on paper, brought to life ex nihilo of our minds.
The reality is that goals and plans are in fact imbued with a certain amount of life. Perhaps not life as we know it, but life.
We as people are not unchanging items in a universe of change but are in fact equally as malleable as any other living thing. We may believe that we are not - we are "pessimists" or "optimists" or "really not good at anything" - but as we move through time we realize that our opinions of ourselves, much like photos, are merely a snapshot in time. It is the whole of the life that must be considered.
And this is where those goals and plans come in.
By working on the plans and goals, what we find - maybe only after the fact - is that we are molded by that for which we are working for. For example, I may start out wanting to do Highland Athletics. What I may find is not only do I get better at Highland Athletics but that I also learn to make connections with others in an environment very different from the one I typically work in; in other words I develop social skills.
Or take Iaido. I learn to use the bokuto and the shinken; what I learn by learning is the hard art of practicing and the concept of continual improvement. These concepts begin to impact other areas of my life as well: I do not just throw at Highland Games to throw, I throw to make a new personal best that may be measured only in inches; my cheese making becomes not the pursuit of one perfect cheese but the continual improvement of my cheese making art.
This concept is a subtle one and certainly not one I personally appreciated (or even knew about) growing up but I believe was (and is) evident in the minds of my teachers and the meaningful adults in my life. They knew, as they know now, the outcome of such goals and plans; I believe they understood then (as I only understand now) that one of their tasks is imbue this into the lives of their students, even if unconsciously.
I cannot promise that every goal or every plan will change one dramatically; certainly within my own life there are plenty of accomplishments which seem not to have scratched the surface of my personality. But I can only believe that like those that have consciously impacted my behavior these also in time will give rise to results that will make me say "I am glad I decided to do that. Look at what it did in my life."
Monday, May 06, 2013
Scottish Athletics as Church
Participating in the Highland Games as I did this weekend I was struck by the similarity between Highland Games Athletes and the Church.
(I know. It is not something I ever thought about either).
Similarity, you might ask? Surely I jest. There is little that is the same between the Church, the living body of Christ and a group of men and women gathered together for the purpose of throwing heavy objects long distances - if for nothing other reason the religion is not quite the first topic of choice at one of these gatherings.
But the thought hit me as I drove home that the similarities were there.
Like the Church, Heavy Athletics is a collection of people who otherwise have no relationship to each other. They are people who likely I would never meet in my life if I were not participating because they live completely different lives than myself. The differences are somewhat jarring initially, but after three hours of throwing everyone becomes supportive: after all, although we are competing we are really all there to do the same thing: our best.
The Church is like that too, although I suspect that after two thousand years we have become a little numb to it. We tend to expect people in Church that are like ourselves - in fact, we often go out of our way to find churches that are like that. There's nothing inherently wrong with that I suppose - after all, I have my own preferences of worship just like everyone else - but we cannot be so set that seeing someone who seems completely contrary to ourselves sets us off and makes us uncomfortable.
Since I have started throwing I have encountered a wonderful cast of characters: semi-professional athletes, law enforcement officers, heavy equipment operators, the retired, college athletes, computer programmers, administrators. The range of types and characters runs from the highly health minded to those who alternate Monsters and Bud Lights, from the heavily tattooed to those without them, from 250+ lbs of solid muscle to 140 lb lightweights.
All in kilts. All pulling for the same them. All (eventually) pulling for each other.
It does not matter where you are from, what you do, what you look like, what your skill level is. If you are there, you are there to compete. And you are accepted solely on the basis of that fact.
Like church there are rules (NASGA rules instead of the Bible), those that guide (referees instead of pastors), and share praise and encouragement (mostly shouting at each other to "Get it out here!"). True, we are not in worship - but we are all intensely focused on one thing while we are there. The world has been shut out for a period of time and only where we are and what we are doing is important.
I do not expect heavy athletics to become the norm at church services even as I do not expect the next Heavy Athletics event I participate in to break out into worship. What I do expect - of myself if no-one else - to step back for a moment and see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ the way I see my fellow athletes: without bias to how they look or seem but focusing only on the common goal of what we are there to do, worship and glorify God - and how I can help them (and myself) to accomplish that as we all seek to do and be our best for God.
(I know. It is not something I ever thought about either).
Similarity, you might ask? Surely I jest. There is little that is the same between the Church, the living body of Christ and a group of men and women gathered together for the purpose of throwing heavy objects long distances - if for nothing other reason the religion is not quite the first topic of choice at one of these gatherings.
But the thought hit me as I drove home that the similarities were there.
Like the Church, Heavy Athletics is a collection of people who otherwise have no relationship to each other. They are people who likely I would never meet in my life if I were not participating because they live completely different lives than myself. The differences are somewhat jarring initially, but after three hours of throwing everyone becomes supportive: after all, although we are competing we are really all there to do the same thing: our best.
The Church is like that too, although I suspect that after two thousand years we have become a little numb to it. We tend to expect people in Church that are like ourselves - in fact, we often go out of our way to find churches that are like that. There's nothing inherently wrong with that I suppose - after all, I have my own preferences of worship just like everyone else - but we cannot be so set that seeing someone who seems completely contrary to ourselves sets us off and makes us uncomfortable.
Since I have started throwing I have encountered a wonderful cast of characters: semi-professional athletes, law enforcement officers, heavy equipment operators, the retired, college athletes, computer programmers, administrators. The range of types and characters runs from the highly health minded to those who alternate Monsters and Bud Lights, from the heavily tattooed to those without them, from 250+ lbs of solid muscle to 140 lb lightweights.
All in kilts. All pulling for the same them. All (eventually) pulling for each other.
It does not matter where you are from, what you do, what you look like, what your skill level is. If you are there, you are there to compete. And you are accepted solely on the basis of that fact.
Like church there are rules (NASGA rules instead of the Bible), those that guide (referees instead of pastors), and share praise and encouragement (mostly shouting at each other to "Get it out here!"). True, we are not in worship - but we are all intensely focused on one thing while we are there. The world has been shut out for a period of time and only where we are and what we are doing is important.
I do not expect heavy athletics to become the norm at church services even as I do not expect the next Heavy Athletics event I participate in to break out into worship. What I do expect - of myself if no-one else - to step back for a moment and see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ the way I see my fellow athletes: without bias to how they look or seem but focusing only on the common goal of what we are there to do, worship and glorify God - and how I can help them (and myself) to accomplish that as we all seek to do and be our best for God.
Friday, May 03, 2013
Early Morning Productivity
I sit here this morning with my cup of "Texas Style" coffee at hand, tasting faintly of "cinnamon, chocolate and vanilla" pondering what I am going to write.
The day has already been a full one at 0630: dreams last night of a car with failing brakes (where did that come from?) ensured that my sleep was disrupted. I have performed my bible reading, prayed, did my study of New Testament Greek (Did you know there are at least four ways you can identify a pluperfect in New Testament Greek? Neither did I.), Gaelic, and Old English ("Here waes Eadward gehalgod to cinge..."). I ran: two days ago I came home drenched in sweat and today I had to run with a sweatshirt because of the weather change. I have packed lunch, eaten breakfast (half a grapefruit [ why grape-fruit? They look nothing like grapes.], one egg, 1/2 cup of dry oatmeal with yogurt), published and posted. I need only finish this, feed the rabbits, and I am on my way.
Why is this so often the most productive piece of my day?
It is not an idle question. I wish that I could be this productive throughout my day - in 1.5 hours I have accomplished more than I may in the next 10 hours. What is it that makes this a time of real production instead of just going through the motions?
What I am doing is one item. Everything I listed (with the exception of making lunch) are items which are me, which engage me, which brighten my world. By doing them I believe I am attempting to keep the "world" (so defined as the work world and my "adult" life) at bay, to maintain a shred of individuality that is still me.
Another element is time. This is the time I have to do these things - if not now, they will never find their way into my day as they will be swamped and thrust aside by more "important" issues that probably do not matter that much in the long run.
The final element, as strange as it seems, is success. I do these things because at some level I believe them to something that will give me a greater life in the end. Right or wrong I perceive that each of these activities will in the the course of my life better me, empower me, give me something which will allow me to move forward.
I look at the bottom of my coffee cup: gone but for the residual fumes. The rabbits are hopping about in the other room, patiently waiting for someone to feed them. The magical time has passed; the world is closing in.
And I wonder: what if all of my life could be spent on such useful things? How productive could I be then?
The day has already been a full one at 0630: dreams last night of a car with failing brakes (where did that come from?) ensured that my sleep was disrupted. I have performed my bible reading, prayed, did my study of New Testament Greek (Did you know there are at least four ways you can identify a pluperfect in New Testament Greek? Neither did I.), Gaelic, and Old English ("Here waes Eadward gehalgod to cinge..."). I ran: two days ago I came home drenched in sweat and today I had to run with a sweatshirt because of the weather change. I have packed lunch, eaten breakfast (half a grapefruit [ why grape-fruit? They look nothing like grapes.], one egg, 1/2 cup of dry oatmeal with yogurt), published and posted. I need only finish this, feed the rabbits, and I am on my way.
Why is this so often the most productive piece of my day?
It is not an idle question. I wish that I could be this productive throughout my day - in 1.5 hours I have accomplished more than I may in the next 10 hours. What is it that makes this a time of real production instead of just going through the motions?
What I am doing is one item. Everything I listed (with the exception of making lunch) are items which are me, which engage me, which brighten my world. By doing them I believe I am attempting to keep the "world" (so defined as the work world and my "adult" life) at bay, to maintain a shred of individuality that is still me.
Another element is time. This is the time I have to do these things - if not now, they will never find their way into my day as they will be swamped and thrust aside by more "important" issues that probably do not matter that much in the long run.
The final element, as strange as it seems, is success. I do these things because at some level I believe them to something that will give me a greater life in the end. Right or wrong I perceive that each of these activities will in the the course of my life better me, empower me, give me something which will allow me to move forward.
I look at the bottom of my coffee cup: gone but for the residual fumes. The rabbits are hopping about in the other room, patiently waiting for someone to feed them. The magical time has passed; the world is closing in.
And I wonder: what if all of my life could be spent on such useful things? How productive could I be then?
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Social Facade
We live in a social media era. We live in an era of careful crafted and controlled personal appearances and perceptions. More and more it often seems the case that what we want to live and been seen as is our Facebook updates or online avatars, where generally we do no wrong, our teeth are straight and our kids are doing well in school. But the reality is in fact that we are the same people we ever were, with the faults and flaws that we carry inside. We just kid ourselves that they are less relevant.
However there come moments where the facade is removed by others - often unsuspectingly - and the soft underbelly is revealed.
Such an incident happened to me yesterday. It was a chance conversation that I was tangentially involved in - but one for which the words stuck in my heart like arrows.
I reeled back in internal confusion for a moment. Not me - I was not this way. I mentally started making a list of all the ways I did not seem like that and all the ways I did not share those characteristics. The instant justification and vociferous voicing of my inner defender surprised me with its intensity.
And then I stepped outside of myself for a minute and tried to look at myself, not as I would from a social media standpoint (how carefully we choose our pictures of ourselves that we want to show to others) but simply from the cold hard facts of the words. And looking at it that way, there were shared similarities.
It is odd how we couch the evil in ourselves as not as a bad as it really may be.
It provoked a good afternoon of thought which was needed. But what it really provoked was a re-examination of my own life - not as I present it to others, but as it would be presented if my own thoughts and internal dialogues were put on display for the world to see.
In such a case, I fear my social media facade would scarcely match the internal things - the "me" that I like to gloss over" - that I know are within me.
However there come moments where the facade is removed by others - often unsuspectingly - and the soft underbelly is revealed.
Such an incident happened to me yesterday. It was a chance conversation that I was tangentially involved in - but one for which the words stuck in my heart like arrows.
I reeled back in internal confusion for a moment. Not me - I was not this way. I mentally started making a list of all the ways I did not seem like that and all the ways I did not share those characteristics. The instant justification and vociferous voicing of my inner defender surprised me with its intensity.
And then I stepped outside of myself for a minute and tried to look at myself, not as I would from a social media standpoint (how carefully we choose our pictures of ourselves that we want to show to others) but simply from the cold hard facts of the words. And looking at it that way, there were shared similarities.
It is odd how we couch the evil in ourselves as not as a bad as it really may be.
It provoked a good afternoon of thought which was needed. But what it really provoked was a re-examination of my own life - not as I present it to others, but as it would be presented if my own thoughts and internal dialogues were put on display for the world to see.
In such a case, I fear my social media facade would scarcely match the internal things - the "me" that I like to gloss over" - that I know are within me.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Cursor
Back and forth, back and forth
the cursor wanders the linear paths:
filling the void with words,
then hurrying back to erase the electrons.
First the words seem to form a thought -
but no, they are banished to the netherworld
of the unrealized.
Now a haiku - Wait!
Too many syllables; again the cursor performs
its destructive dance
Back and forth, back and forth
the cursor wanders the linear paths,
trying desperately to create
but seeming only to destroy.
the cursor wanders the linear paths:
filling the void with words,
then hurrying back to erase the electrons.
First the words seem to form a thought -
but no, they are banished to the netherworld
of the unrealized.
Now a haiku - Wait!
Too many syllables; again the cursor performs
its destructive dance
Back and forth, back and forth
the cursor wanders the linear paths,
trying desperately to create
but seeming only to destroy.
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