Thursday, May 09, 2013

Demands of TIme and Task II

Why do I so easily conform to the demands of extra time when placed upon me by work and am so willing to surrender time which is to spent on myself even though I believe that one will not improve my life over time and the other will?

I can make the simple argument of reality, that one directly pays me a salary and one does not has a noticeable and realistic impact on my decision making.  And to some extent that is true:  I need money to survive.  But the frequency and the reckless abandon with which I seem so willing to do this suggests something more than mere economics at work.

What I am wondering is that if, in my heart of hearts, I truly do not believe that what I am trying to do is going to move me forward at all.

There is an argument to made for this.  Only effort in my career area has moved me forward in parts of my life, no matter how fitful that progress has been.  Certainly many of the activities I have tried in the past and even some career choices never produced any more than a brief change to my life, if not a series of unintended negative consequences.  And anything I consider at this point is quite likely years away from producing anything more than a sense of satisfaction doing something I enjoy.

And yet I still so easily turn away.

The irony of the situation is that the additional efforts spent in pursuit of my "career" seem equally as unproductive in the long run.  The work is always followed by additional work; the effort is effaced in the cascading tasks that continually flow across my desk.  The only thing that additional effort seems to supply is the fact that such effort is available and can be used with more frequency.

This is the core of the issue then:  what do I believe in?  Do I believe in myself such that saying "No" and drawing boundaries and putting the time into the "Yes" something else is something that I can do?  Or have I become so ingrained with the division of work/life and the evidence that I cannot really do what I set out to do that I am subconsciously compensating for the fact - that I am willing to say "yes" because in my heart I know the other will lead to nothing?

If true - that I have no confidence in myself and my abilities and that I am compensating - then this is worst of all possible worlds:  wanting something else desperately yet not having the belief that such a thing can be accomplished.  Allowed to run roughshod and free it will continue to create a situation where the guilt of not doing on the one hand and the perception of not being able to on the other will always create a hammer and anvil of despair: always wanting to be more but never believing such a thing is possible.

How do I overcome this?

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