Trivia and Impact

I realized yesterday how much of our lives is spent on trivia which has no impact on either eternity or the greater good of anyone.

I realized it yesterday as I reorganized over 50 sets of records, preparing them for an audit which will perhaps look at 1/10th of them for a product that probably won't matter 10 years from now; I realized it as I spoke to Uisdean Ruadh about his new job and his specialization in hardware parts that you wouldn't even remember were in a home; I realized it as I overlooked Am Bhan Bhothemeanach as she made minor adjustments to marketing materials that will probably get glanced and and recycled more than they are read.

As we have continued to reach new heights in our 21st Century technological civilization, it has imposed on us a requirement: that as there are more moving parts to do more things, we need to have more people skillful in the subcategories of each of those moving parts to support them. As a result, we become more specialized and skillful at one part or subpart of an industry or profession, which can equal a greater ability to succeed in that profession - but if that profession goes away, more often than not nowhere else.

But this specialization also creates a second issue, perhaps the more damning one for me personally: we become more and more focused upon less and less, until we are experts in that which truly has no significance except what we infuse into it via the amount of time we spend on it.

Think on it: in your work circles, how much conversation, meetings and discussions have you had on a project that eventually died? Do you remember, as the notice comes out about that project, all the paper and effort that was poured into it, the late nights and hurried meals and time away from family and friends to make it important? Have you ever experienced the realization that something was indicated as terribly important was, by the standards of all that truly matters, worthless?

Interestingly for most of us, it is only in those "non-work" activities - be they hobbies, family time or friend time - that we begin to break away from the high degree of specialization and begin to touch on the matters that have more significance, that may have impact beyond ourselves both here on earth and in eternity. Perhaps it is because they are more broad in nature, perhaps it is because they by what they are enable us to get beyond the circle of "me" - but in gardening or changing a rabbit box or doing something with my children, I touch on things that are part of a larger picture, have greater impact, and (perhaps) can change the lives of others.

My question: Why have we allowed ourselves to be sold this concept, this inverse proposal that the trivial is important and the broad and impactful is something to be wedged into our free time? And if this is true, what do we - what do I -do about it?

Buttercup Is Writing Again!

Go here.

YAY!

Five Dreams

Five vivid and odd dreams last night:

1) I chartered a plane (which I was flying) from Old Home to see Otis in The NW. I had two friends and Nighean Dhonn with me. We arrived there, drove around a bit (for some reason there were lots of hills), and then immediately returned to the airport to leave without seeing Otis. I enjoy the flying and am trying to get a cost of how much a plane is, but can't seem to get anyone to answer me.

2) We're still in The NW, and it's the same group that I flew up with. We are trying to find a restaurant to deliver a prize to. We get there and everyone is all but ignoring us, even though we are here to deliver an award. We finally convince someone of what we're here to do. They thank us, take the award, and disappear. Eventually, the owner finally comes out (as if they figure out we won't leave until we see her) to accept it. It's a quick thing, as apparently they are closing shop to go out and don't want to appear that they're leaving quickly but that they are; that sort of lingering around near the door in hopes that someone will get a clue that it's time to go and leave sensation.

3) The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were in a taxi going to visit Otis and Buttercup in The NW. It's a van and we are sharing it with a number of other occupants, who slowly exit as we continue. Unfortunately, the driver failed to ask where we were going and I failed to provide the information. He made his last drop and asked us where we were going. When we informed him, he shrugged. "Back at the beginning?" I asked, at which he nods "yes". However, there are still more passengers so rather than return, he keeps on driving as two ladies in front of us begin to discuss the new apartments that we're driving past.

4) At my high school, a school bus is getting loaded up. Nighean Dhonn is there along with me, walking up the street towards my grandparent's house as a father and son walk by. Suddenly, the father starts pointing and talking excitedly. Here comes Nighean Dhonn down the street, driving on a riding mower. The father was agitated, shouting "pull it over, pull it over" - which she does. As later the two of us walk up the street we see the father and son looking at the mower pulled over to the side of the street.

5) We are still near the high school but it is myself and two friends (one of them is Uisdean Ruadh). It's night, but we walk up to the door to knock. We see that the lights are just turned out as if my grandfather (gone 18 years now) is apparently going to bed. We turn to go, but then the light goes on and he opens up the door. We essentially say hello, say goodbye and then he shuts the door and turns off the light.

Finis

Star and Planet

"They are trying to make me into a fixed star. I am an irregular planet." - Martin Luther

There are days - and today is probably another one of them - where, as I get ready to do the things constitute the daily routine of my life, my spirit rebels. This is not the way things are supposed to be, I protest. I dreamed of doing more in life, of making a larger contribution, of living on the edge and being successful - not being another of a long and glorious line of paper pushers, dealing with stress and crises not of my own making or my concern.

It is as if, to quote Luther, one was a planet and had been roped in invisible line by invisible line into becoming a fixed star, no longer even following an orbit but trapped in location.

Some of these lines are self imposed; as many have come from somewhere else and were put on me. The question is, do I continue to be bound and hold steady, or do the lines break - and what happens after that?

Pre-excitement?

Can our pre-excitement cause something to not occur?

Maybe it's one of my problems with my understanding of God, but I seem to suffer from the sense that if I become too excited about something happening or an opportunity, it never comes to pass - sort of the feeling that Charlie Brown gets every time the ball is ripped out from under him by Lucy.

I don't suppose that's really God's fault, more my perception of Him.

I do believe pre-excitement can cause something not to occur in the sense that we all of a sudden start acting as if something had occurred when nothing has happened - a sort of arrogance about the future, as if we already know what has come to pass. This sort of attitude can turn folks off faster than anything, and suddenly the opportunity is gone before it even arrived.

But the question I am dealing with far more supernatural than that. When we become overexcited about a future opportunity and act as if it has already occurred, are we usurping the prerogative of God? And if so, does He respond to that by shutting that opportunity off because we are more excited about the opportunity than Him?

Or is all of that as well a function of my own will? Something good possibly happens, and I believe that God must be behind it. Then, when circumstances intervene and it suddenly doesn't happen, I ascertain that I must have become too enthusiastic (and arrogant) when in fact that opportunity wasn't any more likely to happen than the fact that it might rain today.

How do I balance anticipation about opportunities with a realistic assessment of how likely they are to occur?

Despondent

I am suffering from despondency this week.

Despondency (n): The state of being despondent; dejection; hopelessness.

That was useful. What is despondent?

Despondent (n): Feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression; a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort.
(www.merriam-webster.com)

Yeah, that covers it pretty well.

It's not really depression, or a lest it doesn't feel like it. It's not really discouragement - although I am feeling discouraged. The last sentence captures it best: a deep dejection (lowering of spirits) arising from a conviction (a strong persuasion or belief) of the uselessness of further effort.

The uselessness of further effort? I feel completely disempowered (is that even a word?) in my life, that whether I put in a great deal of effort or a little effort, I get approximately the same result. If I try and raise the bar, there's nothing to hang that bar on and it often seems that the other side of the bar is merely a cliff over which I go hurling straight down.

I desire clarity: this is not depression. I have known depression - know depression - as well as anyone. This is much more of a general sense of pointlessness of effort in almost all aspects of my life; a sense of futility in that a course has now been set up in my life which I have little control of and cannot impact.

The vicious thing about it seems to be that it is that I'm not sure how to resolve this as I would a depression. A depression I understand: eventually I will pull out of it, and often have small things or incidents or people that will assist me. Depression can often be about one thing in my life; despondency seems to be covering the entire lay of the land. An improvement somewhere does not equate into an improvement overall, as there is that sense that in toto the general outcome is ineffectiveness and the impotence of any further effort.

Depression I can manage. How can I manage this?

Motivated?

I am having a great deal of trouble becoming motivated lately.

Motivated: To be provided with a motive; impelled.

Motive (n): Something (as in a need or desire) that causes a person to act. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/)


So my choices (by motive) is that I lack a need or desire. Interesting as well that motivated is to be provided with a motive; I suppose that is where the concept of self-motivated comes from (I provide my own motive).


Lack a need? Surely continuing to support a family and have food, clothes and shelter should constitute a need. The problem with a need is that it only provides the motivation because it has to be completed. Trying to maintain a long term motivation based on filling the lowest common denominator would, I think, eventually prove demotivating in the long run.

Lack a desire? Oh, I have plenty of desires. The difficulty with counting on these as motives is that they do not occur in a vacuum, especially for someone married and with children. Fulfilling these desires always takes place in the context of the shuffling realities of the greater unit around me; thus, I can motivate myself through pictures and "powerful self-imaging" about something that I want - a new car, for example - but the reality of that getting fulfilled based on all the other factors of my life is fairly small.

So maybe this is the question: how does one find a need (okay, purpose qualifies as a need, right?) or desire (could be any number of things) which is something that can continue to provide impetus as a long term need and/or is truly accessible as a desire not fully dependent on other circumstances around it to be fulfilled? In other words, what is a motive that can handle being thrown up against the glass walls of my life again and again and keep its shape and form, ready every morning not just to make it possible to slog through another day, but enthusiastic to do so?

It has to be here, somewhere. It only needs discovering.

The Blacklist Goals List.

I realized today that I have an Blacklist Goals List.

It's that list of secret goals, the one I don't tell anyone about, mostly because it's not really all the admirable. It's not overtly harmful - laying waste to people or theft is not on mine - but it's the little idylls, the daydreams that I dare not speak of least I appear to be less than what I profess to be.

Mine seem to revolve around hurling away large portions of my responsibilities - to just give up and give in and run away to live the life I always dreamed I could, freed from the responsibility of been sane and sound and doing things the the "right" way.

I mocked this Blacklist tonight as I drove home in traffic, puttering along in my 1997 Protege with the semi-functional air conditioning as I watched the more glamorous zip by in their newer cars. I laughed out loud to myself: the image of a 40-something year old cruising up in his '97 white Protege to "hang with the crowd" and be living the life, struck me as funny. The juxtaposition of these two images, the old Protege and "cool" me, sat in in my mind like an image the aging disco junkie from 20 years ago, gold chains jingling as he tried to make the scene amidst the New Wave dance scene. It's that silly.

I say it's silly, but it's poignantly sad at the same time. Being responsible can, frankly, be a bore most of the time. My days have become incredibly scripted, almost to the minute up to the time I get into bed. The bills are paid, Na Clann and The Ravishing Mrs. TB are provided for, the pets are kept in food and shelter and Cheerios - but there is a huge hole in my life, the hole (or maybe whole?) that used to be filled with possibilities, but is now filled with dates and dollars and paperwork to be filed and other things that the "responsible" do.

But now in the back of mind the list continues to hang there, waiting only for me to pick it up, unroll it, and make one of those chaotic decisions which so often promises a zest for life but most often results in greater misery - conveniently dressed up in a new car and a new life.

Which I suppose is the point of the list: to keep it in my mind rather that out in my life.

Instability can occasionally be okay; chaos, not so much.

Square Peg, Round Hole

As I was mentally preparing for another week of work last night in bed, I was hit (once again) by the feeling of being square peg pushed into a round hole, more strongly than I have of late.

I want to say that I feel called to something else, some more elusive career - that only God apparently knows. I'd like to say that - but I have no evidence for the existence of any such thing other than my feeling that it is so, that sort of nagging feeling that there is something else.

In one way I am very conscious of God's control in my life right now, as I last year when out of all the resumes I sent out, I only received one job offer (here in New Home) - so I was meant to be here (and, to be fair, circumstances have proven that out). I'm conscious of the fact that in more recent searches nothing has panned out, even things that were quite local. Obviously, when it is time it will appear (not that it excuses me from continuing to be active).

But perhaps part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I am looking within the same field that I am currently in. Perhaps it is as if I keep banging the peg down further into the hole, hoping that it will somehow conform if I keep pushing it hard.

To paraphrase Brian Tracy, "If I was not doing what I am doing now, would I start in it? What would I start instead?"

What If

What if the job you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you work at it differently?
Would you coast until retirement?
Would you seek to work harder to make it successful
as it is the only one?

What if the marriage you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you treat it differently?
Would you work at working it out more?
Would you constrain wild imaginings as falsehoods instead of options,
flame and ash intead of possibilities?

What if the life you had was the only one you would ever have?
Would you seek to live more boldly?
Would you seek to love more fully?
Would you seek to try things more often and with greater zeal
knowing that it might be the only chance you get?

What would happen if this all turned out to be true?

The Ring

I am banging up against the borders of my life again.

There are two items in conflict: my life as I see the possibilities and my life as I see the actualities. One is out there pushing the boundaries of what I want and what I am capable of; the other is firmly grounded on where I am currently and the responsibilities that I have to deal with.

Dreams and responsibilities. Two ends of a spectrum which occasionally someone is able to bend into a circle such that they both meet and can be worn like a ring.

Is that one of the keys to success then? To take our dreams and our responsibilities and forge them into the ring of our life?

As I write this, the picture that leaps to my mind is I the One Ring from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of The Rings. If you recall, it was ring forged for dreams (control of the entire world is a form of a dream I suppose) which eventually destroyed all that wore it. It offered infinite power but (like all evil) came with a high price.

But what I'm thinking about is not an object of evil forged by one seeking world domination, but something that exists by our being alive, and something that some people consciously work on while other people passively accept.

Dreams without responsibility become irresponsible; responsibility without dreams becomes drudgery. Either way, two parts without the whole do not have the power of the whole.

Those who focus purely on their dreams can often leave a trail of misery of the people and things that they have used and discarded in their quest. Those who focus purely on their responsibility can also often leave a trail of misery as duty pushes out any joy or excitement which is transmitted as a dull stifling cloud to all around them.

And perhaps the ring analogy is appropriate: like a skilled ringmaker, we are challenged throughout our lives to forge together these two metals (dreams and responsibility) and make them into one seamless metal, the pattern of our lives.

What are you forging today?

Enjoyment Versus Desperation

"If you enjoy the process, it's your dream. If you are enduring it, desperate for the results, it's somebody else's." - Laws of Attraction via Twitter

This quote has been rattling around in my head since I read it yesterday - one of those thoughts that just keeps hanging on in a determined fashion, refusing to let go.

The phrase that keeps turning my head is "desperate for the results". This concept has occurred more than once in my life - it occurred at The Firm, it has occurred scattered across the various positions I have currently held in my industry.

At The Firm, I wanted the results that the work would bring. While I enjoyed my work, I can honestly say that my heart was not fully in it (thus, my failure). In my current line of work, I become desperate for the potential financial rewards, not the output of the work as a whole.

"If you enjoy the process, it's your dream." What processes have I enjoyed? I enjoyed teaching, when I did that. I enjoy the various "rural" activities I've done, whether gardening or beekeeping or making and preserving foods (and beer and mead!) from scratch. I enjoy the process of writing - although it drives me to distraction sometimes. I (as I found out this week) enjoy the process of helping people to find their strengths.

I'm not sure what it all means and I'm not sure how to apply it - but the power of the statement speaks to me. Enjoyment versus desperation. Why would anyone choose the one above the other?

Not Expected

I'm discovering something as I continue through the chaos that is my employment life right now: I really like helping people discover their strengths, encouraging them, and helping them to believe in themselves.

This is not something I had looked for or even imagined - but I'm finding that it brings me great joy.

As I interact with my coworkers - Fear Beag, Fear Mor, An Bean-Bhohanach, An Bean Bhoidheach, An Fear Gluaistean, even Otis, Songbird, Bogha Frois and Buttercup - and hear of their frustrations, dreams and goals, I find my myself drawn - I can think of no other word - to help them in their quests, which in reality is ultimately a quest to be the best that they can be. Interestingly part of that is something that I cannot seem to do for myself: to look beyond themselves to see what they apparently cannot, and believe in them when they will not.

I am surrounded by great people of whom have I no doubt will go on to do great things. To be with them day in and day out, to see what they do, to hear them talk - all of this creates no doubt in my mind that these are people who can and will do far beyond what they are doing now.

This raises two questions for me:

1) What is this telling me about perhaps what I should be doing?
2) Why don't I have this same level of optimism and belief in myself?

All Eyes On Me

Thwacked on the side of the head yesterday about this whole question of whom I am exalting in my life.

I managed to make a bad joke in a public setting (no, not a rude one, or a dirty one, or one in any way in poor taste - just a bad one) - the sort of thing that everyone looks at your quizzically about and then moves on to another subject of conversation. I was doing it (I assume) to stay involved in the conversation which was about something I have no participation in; what I looked like was just crazy (or stupid). It made me reflect back some years ago where a similar instance happened at earlier job with much the same impact and much the same musings as today, except with the added one of "Have I learned anything?"

Who am I drawing attention to in my life: myself or Christ? That's the bottom line, the bottom level question of my day to day interaction with everyone I do.

It's a difficult question to face - I am by nature flamboyant and loud and almost instinctively seek to have attention on me. But is it the right thing - by putting the attention on me, am I pulling off the One whom I'm supposed to be putting it on?

I compare my actions with that of the apostles in the Book of Acts, especially Paul. Time and time again he ends up being the center of attention - not specifically for what he has done but for his testimony about Christ. And, given the opportunity, he spends that attention he gets on proclaiming Christ.

I'm not Paul, and I am not a full time evangelist (or a part time, or really one at all - not my gift). But the point still remains - when the attention gets focused on me, how is it getting there and what am I doing with it? Am I seeking to make it about myself - or God?

The arguments come up in my mind of course: the "If you don't do that, if you just work and live quietly, nothing will happen in your life"; "People will run over you if you humble yourself (there's that thought again) because this world only works if you push to get ahead; and "If you don't play the game, you don't get the reward".

Fair enough, I suppose - on a worldly level. But that in theory is the difference for the Christian: we put our eggs in the one basket of God. As someone else has said, "Faith is believing in God, knowing that if He doesn't come through, we're lost". We are, by living humbly ourselves and exalting God, to count on God to move us on His time and in His way - not by scrambling to get ahead, but by waiting on Him to move things as He wills.

My example is that of this very blog. I often write not having any idea if there is any difference being made by what I write. I occasionally get updates from friends about liking what I wrote or how it spoke to them, but in general it feels like I write and post things into a hollow Internet space. I sometimes grumble as I see the blogs or writings of others which are more successful or more impactful than my own, wondering "Why can't I be that way and have that impact?"

But this is a compact I made long ago with this blog: it is personal, it is my own thoughts, and I would do nothing commercially (via those ads) or otherwise to promote it beyond letting friends know it is here. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it.

The reality is, that is what my life should be like as well, seeking to live quietly and diligently. If it is God's will that it prospers and has impact, so be it. We are not called to be anything other than mirrors reflecting the Glory of God. As a mirror has no independent ability to function without something to reflect or a light, so we too are to live and work in such a way that the attention is on the One who is being reflected, not the item which is doing the reflecting.

Pre-Dawn Humility

Looking out into the predawn light, I contemplate the beginning of another week.

I find myself continually brought back and forth between two positions, wanting to go out there and "tear it up" even while I am trapped by the fact that my enthusiasm would only further the goals of folks other than me and would in the end not make a great deal of difference.

But this is the fact that I was reaching for yesterday as well, the idea of recognition and serving the ends of others, even as they may not recognize that fact.

But in some way we are all serving the ends of others; in the big picture, we are serving the ends of God (consciously or unconsciously).

Yesterday at church, the sermon was on humility. Our pastor noted that every morning, we have two choices: exalt ourselves or humbling ourselves. There is no third option. Every action we take has the effect of doing one or the other.

We want to be noticed. Humility, he stated, handles our needs for notice. By exalting ourselves, we need other's notice. By humbling ourselves, we notice other's needs. What about our needs? As Christians, we leave it to God to notice our needs.

By humbling myself, I definitively turn my eyes towards the needs of others, of meeting their goals. My goals? In some cases it then turns on God to meet those; in others, perhaps it is my goals themselves that need changing.

So in my predawn angst, there's my answer. In whatever I do today, am I seeking to notice the needs of others and serve them? That is the commandment from God, whether in business or personal relations.

Effect? Impact? My own goals and agenda? Those, with humility, I turn over to God. If He does them, He will do them better than I and will receive the glory, not myself.

Which, if you think about it, is the ultimate point of humbling one's self.

Recognition

I have a problem with achieving.

Specifically, achieving for the sake of my own personal recognition and not the recognition of others.

This is something that I think comes both from my tendencies to want people to like me and to please them as well as my (relatively long) career in school. From my concern with peoples' opinion of my, I tend to always wanted to be noticed for what I've done - even if it is just a verbal notice. From my years in school, I have come to associate effort with reward i.e. if I do the schoolwork, I will get the grade (and get noticed).

The problem is, this is not the way it seems to work in the real world. More often than not, there is no notice of what I have done - therefore, I often stop doing it. However, the reality is that I do need to continue to do it to move forward both in my career and my life - even though I there is no recognition specifically forthcoming.

This is the core of my problem then - how do I self motivate towards larger goals without the instant gratification of recognition? How do I keep on when it seems no-one else is watching or noticing?

One train of thought, I suppose, is that of attaching your own rewards to the goals: achieve this, reward yourself with that. The only problem with that is usually things that I would reward myself with are far beyond the easy grasp (financially) of what I have available to me, and seldom in a timely manner with the achievement.

Another train of thought would simply be to recognize yourself in your mind and move on. This could work I suppose; the difficulty is that when I do something like that and mentally give myself the "Attaboy", it hardly has any impact on my thinking or my self image - seeing myself as having accomplished something is not something that impacts me.

So how do I do it then? How do I embed what I want to do so deeply that I hold to it, no matter whether recognition comes or not?

Silence

There's an eerie sort of silence in my life right now.

I remember this silence before - the last time was after The Firm collapsed. It's the sound of, well, nothing.

Suddenly e-mails and phone calls for a business or project grind to a halt. There is no communication where there used to be a plethora of it.

There is an initial belief that it is a temporary things, only a day or two at the most. As the situation continues on, the belief turns to panic, as one starts turning to one's e-mail and phone several times a day, hoping that something will magically appear - only to see the same irrelevant e-mails and junk come floating through.

The power and confidence one felt a week ago has been laid waste, leaving nothing in its tracks but a vast inner silence and a quiet sense of desperation.

The difficulty I am having is coming out of this. The discouragement suddenly becomes overwhelming, any sense of self confidence is completely gone and there is a true sense of "Why try?" because it made no difference.

The worst part of it is the seemingly pathetic hopefulness that reasserts itself every time the phone rings or one opens e-mail. "It'll be there" the inner voice says, "just open or answer it. It'll be there."

And in point of fact, it is not.

How does one find confidence and hope in a situation where one controls almost nothing?

Blah

This is the fifth time I have started to type something in this space.

I'm confused - or tired - or lonely - or maybe all three. Everyone else is back in Old Home at this point, so it is just me and the assorted menagerie as we make our way through next week.

My career confuses me this week. I commented yesterday that it feels like there is so much to be done that I don't know where to start, and even if I did I would have no sense that it would accomplish anything worthwhile.

I started to go through making a list of goals last night - specifically around financial goals - and the thought that spewed right back at me was "that's great to make these -how are you going to actuate them starting where you are?" And then I thought again of the big wall of goals on my wall, sighed, and carried on.

What I need, it seems, is a sense of hope. A sense of something to start with, some minor success that I can build on to help me grow in my confidence to solve larger problems.

What one minor thing can I make better today?

Disappointment

Disappointment yesterday evening when I arrived home. The opportunity that I hoped was going to be available will not be.

At this point I have no idea why - I've submitted a request for additional information, so we'll see what I can find out. However, it is disappointing (there's that word again) that it did not work out as intended.

Which in some ways puts me right back to the drawing board - but the drawing board with a purpose.

In going through this exercise, I think I got little closer to what I am doing and why I am doing. The thought patterns that I entertained during vacation have helped me move along there as well.

There was a quote I found this morning as I was reading through Victory: Applying the Proven Principles of Military Strategy to Achieve Success In Your Business and Personal Life by Brian Tracy by Sir Francis Bacon: "A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."

Fine. Just because I had everything worked out in my mind didn't mean it work out in real life. That just means I have to try all the harder. This most recent opportunity was one that I found.

I'll just have to work to make some more.

Two Places

Getting ready to trek back from The Ranch this afternoon towards New Home.

I wandered down into the Lower Meadow this morning, the uncut grasses up to my knees as the leftover green grass near the spring which supports the midsummer wildflowers bowed in the wind. The dragonflies were hovering and darting around my head level as lower, bees and butterflies were moving from flower to flower on their own business. Birds were dipping and landing near the horses' path, apparent flying in to get at the insects in the lower levels of grass exposed by the horses' travels.

As I stopped and watched the wonder of it all, I suddenly realized how hard it is to have one's heart in two places at the same time.

I don't know how to reconcile these two halves of my life, the part that I live with most of the year and the part of my life I want to live with most of the year.

All I know is that every time I leave, it feels more and more a balancing act I cannot hold together.

Ranch Again

It has been a pleasant visit back to The Ranch - even as I write this, the morning breeze bearing the pine-laden scent of what can only be The Mountains and the dirt laden scent of The Ranch waft through the golden highlighted window screens.

It has been a good - but busy- visit here, something that I am not fully comfortable with. I am used to being here without a sense of timekeeping involved a sense of "I have to do this, and this and this - because I have to leave in five days." It gives things much more the sense of a trying to cram everything into a sightseeing tour rather than seeking to moderate time and activities.

It's also always good to see family and old friends - too good actually, as it makes hunger for the relationships and location of Old Home. Not that this makes New Home any worse (or better), it just reawakens the realization that there is not here.

But for now that's all okay. I'll sit here, let the breeze flow through my nostrils and over my body, and just enjoy being here.

The Five Virtues of the Cock

" While serving under the Duke Ai of Lu, T'ien Jao, resenting his obscure position, said to his master, 'I am going to wander far away like a snow goose.'

'What do you mean by that?' inquired the Duke.

'Do you see the cock?' said T'ien Jao in reply. 'Its crest is a symbol of civility; its powerful talons suggest strength; its daring to fight any enemy denotes courage; its instinct to invite others whenever food is obtained shows benevolence; and, last but not least, its punctuality in keeping the time through the night gives us an example of veracity. It spite, however, of these five virtues, the cock is daily killed to fill a dish on your table Why? The reason is that it is found within our reach. On the other hand, the snow goose traverses in one flight a thousand li. Resting in your garden, it preys on your fishes and turtles and pecks your millet. Though devoid of any of the cock's five virtues, yet you prize this bird for the sake of its scarcity. This being so, I shall fly far like a snow goose.'"

- Ancient Chinese Parables, Yu Hsiu Sen Ed., as quoted by Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power

The "Working" Manager

Sitting in a business meeting yesterday I made a startling revelation.

I sat there with a group of individuals like myself, manager or project manager types, discussing the investigation and possible procurement of a type of support equipment. As I sat there listening to the ebb and flow of conversation as I was not really impacted by this, I realized that the senior individual in the room, a director-level position, was seemingly the one to whom the meeting was addressed even though it was not initially their problem. By a series of questions from this person others expressed what they knew, and by the end of the meeting this individual had organized an action plan - for which they themselves had no action items.

As I walked back across the business campus mulling this over in mind, I suddenly saw this meeting repeated again and again in my mind: a group of individuals who does the work is brought together, a senior or executive management member reviews the situation, asks a few questions, and offers some comment, and everyone walks away with the individuals having more work and the management members having made the decision.

This is not to suggest that senior/executive managers do not work hard - I know that they do! - but to grapple with the concept of where that line occurs in a career.

In all of my management positions I have been told it's a "working manager" position, the idea apparently being that managers need to "work" as well as "manage" and "make decisions." What I've come to find over time is that this concept of a working manager "works" only sometimes depending on the industry - and almost never in terms of advancement in house.

If the essence of management is learning to make and execute decisions - and by execute at that level, I mean "ensure that it is executed" - then the working manager is always in a bind. They cannot truly focus on executing decisions as they have a quota of work which they're always expected to produce as well as "manage" the work under them. What this creates is a situation that most will never rise to the level of decision maker because they will never have reached that quota of work as well as have made the decisions to manage that they are to have made. Even delegation only goes so far in this case, as one does not want to appear that one is not "working".

How can this be changed to an advantage? I think part of the groundwork has to be laid up front coming into the position by clarifying that "working manager" means that while some work will be done, the management and decision side is equally important both to the company and a future career at it. The next part is probably learning to get better both at managing the tasks and resources at hand. A small group of anyone cannot do everything, so both expectations and output need to be managed accordingly.

Finally, one simply has to start making decisions and seeing that they are executed by yourself or those around you. The only way to learn is to do it, sometimes sanctioned or not.

Decision makers decide. Working managers work. I know where I'd like to be.

Buttercup's Dad: Are You Ready?

Buttercup (she of the noble prose) received a call this weekend that her father had collapsed. Rushed to the hospital and in ICU for Saturday and Sunday, they were informed on Monday that his body was starting to shut down and that it was time to turn the machines off and let him go. Since that time his body has struggled up and down and at the time of this update, the final outcome is still unknown.

I've never met Buttercup's parents; what I know of them I know only through how she acts and behaves (which is all good). I do know that this was not expected; as Otis related, "We knew his heart was not doing well but we didn't think it would be so soon." Soon - at 61.

But none of us know. That's the thing that hammered at my brain last night, that hammered at me when I got up this morning and sat in front of this keyboard. None of us knows the time of our passing - but we always act like we do:

- We plan our futures, financially and relationally, with what we will have in the future and where we will go and what we will do, not knowing if we will arrive at that future.

- We imagine a death in which we pass being able to communicate with our loved ones and making our peace with God, not knowing if death when it comes will be swifter than we imagine or so filled with pain and delirium that we cannot communicate.

- We put off the important of tomorrow for the urgent of today thinking that we can cheat priorities just this one time, only to find that there is a tipping point to such priorities that we never see until too late.

I have two requests of you as you go about your post holiday work week this week:

1) Remember Buttercup, Otis and their families in your prayers. Undoubtedly the outcome of this, whatever it will be, will result in layers of emotion and adjustment.

2) As you go about your day today, as you go about your plans for the future ask yourself "If I died right now, would I be ready? What three things would I leave undone?"

If you're not ready, both temporally and eternally with God, make yourself so. And then get on doing those three things. Because you never know.

Concentration and Focus

"Concentration is a major key to minute-by-minute success in any endeavor." - Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics

I have made an unusual discovery this weekend: I am a man who works best under a schedule carefully planned.

This is a revelation to me. I have always pictured myself as someone who hated the strictures of a schedule, who did his best work under the free-flowing conditions of doing whatever seemed to come to me at the moment. Reality, however, tells me a different story.

Given an average day, by the time I leave for work I have prayed, done my PT, read my morning Scripture reading, worked on Scripture memorization, read Sun Tzu, read my devotional at the time (Currently The Ladder of Perfection by Walter Hilton), read my success reading for the day, studied my Greek, studied my Gaelic, written my blog, and have caught up on one or more of the sites I follow. This is all accomplished in approximately 1.25 hours.

I compare this with weekends or holidays, where I don't have to "get up", and have that time that I don't have to spend on pesky work. The reality is, I am far less productive in all aspects of my life - spiritual, relational, personal - than I am during the week. The difference: I perceive that my time is much more limited, therefore I work to use it as effectively as possible.

The lesson is straightforward: if I want to get the same mileage out of all my time, I need to follow the same pattern.

I have never liked lists, never liked planning (although strategy is something I am coming to grips with). However, I am going to like getting to the end of my life (whether today or 40 years hence) realizing all the time I wasted because I didn't want the "burden" of planning.

Decisions To Be Made

Feeling torn this morning at the Tuning Fork in the road.

I have three possibilities that are presenting themselves: one involves a higher position and more money but separation from my family more often, one involves staying in New Home but a lower position (possibly equal pay), and one involves just staying where I am right now.

I say torn because I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach that I often get when I am facing a decision which I don't know clearly what to do.

I made a list last night of why to stay and why to go. I came up with half a dozen reasons to stay in the location we are in, and only two reasons to change jobs (one of them - be fair - is that I so often have problems at my current location).

But money is not enough of a reason to change - I made that decision twice before, and neither time has it gone very well for me - The Firm, and then the job that indirectly moved us to New Home.

It's good to have opportunities - why am I so reluctant to make a choice?

Tuning Forks in the Road

The thought of a tuning fork occurred to me this morning as I was contemplating not only our first full year in New Home, but the reality of decisions that are upcoming. We are, as they say, reaching forks in the road which, once taken, can never be gone back on.

As I thought about the forks (both real and metaphorical) it occurs to me that really they are not just forks in the road, but tuning forks in the road.

For those of you that have never done music, you may have heard of a tuning fork. It's a metal implement resembling a fork (except with two prongs) which is struck on a surface to produce a pitch by which individuals and instruments can attune themselves to. The clear tone produced gives the performer an audible tone to adjust to, rather than a visual sign by a typical tuning meter. It can be a much more difficult process.

When we treat decisions as forks, we assume that there is a standard by which we are making that decision i.e. money, time, goals, etc. Based on what is going in my life, we say, how can I make the best decision to serve my own goals. But if we treat it purely as an objective decision without any reference to our heart or God's heart, we miss a valuable input into which decision is more correct.

Which is why decisions should be tuning forks in the road. When a decision is a tuning fork, we align our heart not to the externals, but to the internals: if God is resonating in my life (which He should be), what about this decision attunes my heart to the tone that I am hearing? As the process of tuning is one of aligning an instrument to the perfect pitch, so our decision making - our forks in the road - should be a process of attuning ourselves more and more to God and His will for our lives.

It takes practice, of course. Unlike regular decisions, tuning fork decisions require us to learn to listen carefully to the tone provided - and then adjust our lives and decisions to that. It will be awkward as we continue to adjust the various slides that improve our pitch, creating some fairly awful (and irreproducible) noises from our instruments.

But what a wonder to arrive at our destination with our lives in tune with the Master Instrument Maker, ready to perform in a far larger orchestra than any of our earthly decisions could have given us.

Halfway

Today is June 30th (pretty much everywhere, except if you are on a different planet in this solar system and even then, it would still be June 30th here). What's the significance, the gentle reader may ask?

Simple. 2010 is halfway over today (Again, I realize that it's not truly halfway; it's only 181 days so the true "halfway point" will be July 4th. In months it is the halfway point. Deal with it).

Everything I intended to do this year is either halfway complete (highly unlikely) or is going to get truncated into the last 6 months (more likely). All the grandiose plans I had in January are, for the most part, still grandiose and (apparently) still stuck in January, waiting for me to engage the winch of activity and haul them up to the rest of the year.

How about you, dear reader? Where are your plans and goals? How about those items you intended to get to this year, that you made a commitment (dreaded words) to do? Were the milestones mapped out, the daily, weekly and monthly items in place as signs of where you were? Or, like me, did you just suddenly realize that it became a jumbled pile of things you wanted to do like the pile of clothes which, have run out of time to sort, you just starting cramming into the washer hoping the colors don't bleed?

Take heart. There's still half a year (or a bit more if you count by days). Get busy.

Carpe Diem.

The Fingerprints of God

I'm sensing the fingerprints of God running over my life right now.
It's not something that I can directly point to:
No Red Sea split asunder, no fire from Heaven.
Instead, it's a gentle sense of things moving
in one direction seamlessly.

Seamlessly?
Exactly.
The effort that is may be intense, but there is no sense of the striving
that comes when I push things myself.
Just little petals opening on their own
until the fully bloomed flower has appeared, as if by magic.

It is amazing how that,
by letting God have His way,
life flows like a river
insteading of chopping like a sea.

The Sound of Silence

Running late yesterday morning to Sunday School, I elected to drop off Nighen Gheal and step into a classroom to avoid disturbing my usual class. I picked up on my theme of courage, prayed, and opened my Bible.

As I sat there, reading in Exodus and Acts, I suddenly realized how quiet it was - beyond the hum of the air conditioning, nothing. I next realized how focused I was on God's Word, how my inner dialogue had quieted down and I was focused on what I was reading.

How is this? I have time at night and in the morning to read the Bible, with a quiet house when I do - yet I do not reach this quiet attitude of trust and focus.

I realized it is because when I am home reading God's word and praying are just another two items on my "To Do" list. I know I need to do it - but I also know that there are many other things that I "need" to do, so I push through as quickly as possible to get on to the next thing.

And I wonder why I feel so destitute of God so much of the time. He's become another "To Do" item to complete, rather than a relationship to build and enjoy.

Which says something about my priorities - and how they need to change.

Courage

"The mark of the great commander, the excellent leader, the tremendously successful person is courage, and courage is always expressed in the willingness to go forward, to face danger, to take risks with no guarantee of success. All great success is achieved as the result of offensive action, doing something different, and usually faster and more forcefully than your competitor can react. Fortunately, courage is a virtue that can be developed by exercising and practicing it whenever it is required." - Brian Tracy, Victory

Where is the concept of courage in the 21st Century? Where is the concept of courage in 21st Century Christianity? In our politics? In our morals? In our daily lives?

Among the aspects of a free people is the courage to be free. Freedom to believe, freedom to speak, freedom to act are not passive things. Inherently they are active - even the noun freedom indicates a state in which something can be done.

But we have come to treat them as one more item on a list that are heirs to rather than things to be exercised and preserved.

Courage is a difficult thing. It means going forward when all others may be against you, when circumstances may be against you, for that thing which is right and noble and just. As Christians, we should (above all) have courage, both because we know the Creator of the story and we know the ultimate ending.

But too often I find myself quiet when I should be speaking, laughing when I should remain silent, and standing still when I should be acting. Why? Because in the end, I too often lack the courage of my convictions.

Where is the witness of courageous Christians? Not somewhere overseas being persecuted (which is happening all too frequently these days), but here? And not the "poster child" types which the media takes glee in promoting as representative, but garden variety style Christians being true (but bold) for the Gospel?

I realize that they will never make the press the way the flamboyant (and easy targets) will, but surely we should hear something more of them?

Is it possible that we have relegated courage only to certain things and certain areas, or that we have been trained to do so? "Exercise your courage for this thing (which is noble because we as society define it so), but passively accept this (again, because we define it so)."

Could it be that we have traded relevance for courage, hoping that this will accomplish God's work? If so, we have taken a fool's bargain: if there are any historical or social movements where such a philosophy has worked, I cannot bring it to mind.

If so, then we need to repent - like we do for any other sin. We have placed too much trust in our methods, and not enough in our God. God commands us to be courageous, not relevant, and makes no promises as to the temporal results: the apostles were bold in testimony but were beaten, persecuted, and mostly martyred.

Am I willing to be courageous for the Gospel?

Pettiness

I continue to be amazed at how petty I can be.

Oh, I'm better than I used to be of course - I don't hang on to things for hours on end like I used to do, grinding my teeth in frustration every time that person walks by or that situation is brought up again. I'm not as sharp with my tongue about things as I used to be, giving at least some semblance of thinking before I speak.

But none the less, pettiness continues to ooze out the ground of my soul. I find myself not just disagreeing, but attacking; not just unhappy, but combative; not just decisive, but reprimanding.

Why is this? Am I so insecure in my own skin that I need to have the "oneupsmanship"? Do I need vindication every time - if not in fact, then in word? Do I so need to be respected that I will engage in pettiness just to get sympathy or fit in?

When I write it like that, I am reminded of a character from C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce of an individual who has complained so much through life that they have literally turned into a grumble. By continuing to engage in pettiness, do I continue to become more petty until I am nothing but a petty, a small insignificant soul shrunken by my preoccupation only able to speak of the things that others do wrong?

I'm seen its opposite in pride: a bold pride, which tolerates no element of perceived slight or injustice or sense of being wrong. What it creates is a person who is passionate and bold of action but is (ironically) shrunken as a person: small, mean, often picking at the littlest of details or imagined slights.

Is life not grand enough - is God not majestic and glorious enough -am I not forgiven enough - that I have the need to focus on the smallest and least significant things?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Quote: "Within 5 years, 80 percent of all products or services offered today will either be obsolete or significantly modified from their current form." - Brian Tracy, Victory

What is changeless and what is changing? This is a question which runs me over from time to time, especially brought to the forefront of my mind from quotes like the one above.

I've also read elsewhere that a similar ratio - 70-80% - of everything one learns in college has the same shelf life i.e. with 5 years, it has become obsolete or overridden. For me this was poignantly demonstrated in 1990, when Eastern Europe fell apart and the semester of class I took on Communist Party Structures fell into the waste heap of history.

In the business world with the advent of globalization this has become equally apparent: challenges and new products are coming from everywhere, 24 hours a day. Educated individuals - the "knowledge workers" - have the ability to easily move around, thus porting their knowledge from one location (or country) to another.

In the midst of this seeming cycle of change, adapt, or die how does one figure out what to keep and what to change?

Surely jettisoning everything old simply because it is new is not the answer. As Os Guinness has said, when the church attempts to become culturally relevant, it ties itself to the culture of the time and when the culture changes, the church will only speak to that particular culture, thus dooming itself to a slow and irrelevant death.

In education, the shunning of old ways of teaching for new does not seem to have significantly improved the output of students. Indeed, we are putting out more students which are less prepared than ever for a world where education and preparation is everything.

At the same time, old is not necessarily bad. Certainly in agriculture, local farms and the "organic food" movement have demonstrated that things can be done profitably, without some or all of the benefits of modernization, and still produce a quality product. And not all technology has gone on to significantly improve our lives - or even function correctly.

And this does not even touch on the most important items, the core values which we all hold as individuals - whether consciously or not. As The Preacher said in Ecclesiastes, "There is nothing new under the sun" - every potential for new social movements or new beliefs has been followed in history; we need only study it to learn from it.

So how do we navigate this brave new world, between the Scylla of "Change, Adapt or Die" and the Charybdis of "Change for the sake of change is not always good?"

We have to stop and think.

To simplify, it's exactly likes choosing a new technology. There are four questions to ask:

1) Why am I doing this? Will this result in an improvement, or am I just doing it because I want to look cool/be relevant/have the latest?

2) What am I replacing? Is what I am discarding truly obsolete?

3) What does history or experience tell me about this change? What are the potential or probable effects of this change?

4) Is it right? In my case, does this help me glorify God more or less?

Change is not bad and not in and of itself to be feared. But when we change for the sake of change, when we change for the sake of external appearance, when we change without pondering the impact, we will still change - but for the worse.

Realigning My Time and Objectives

I am struggling this week with (yet another) reorganization of how I use my time and how I schedule my goals at work.

One outcome of this reading I've doing on personal development and business (all thanks to Otis!) is that I am coming to see O So Clearly how I continue to fall short of the mark. Simply put - and every book you read on personal development or management will tell you this -you are a lot less effective and time savvy than you think.

As part of this exercise, I have restarted the practice at work of logging my time in increments. I've divided what I do into 10-12 broad categories and track it in 5 minute intervals. The results have been astounding - both in what takes my time up (3 broad areas have absorbed 75% of my time in the last two weeks) and how I spend my time (who knew that I liked to talk to people so much?).

The other thing this exercise has revealed is how truly abominable I am - and in fact, most everybody is - at sticking to objectives and goals while working in a dynamic environment. Things range from the "fire-fighting" mentality of dealing with the problem at hand to the "laser" mentality of focusing on one item to the exclusion of all other items that need attention. In both cases what has gone missing is the ability to accomplish a multitude of tasks over a variety of fronts for a long period of time - in other words, I have some ability to plan a strategy but apparently no ability to execute it.

The other interesting thing about this exercise is that I find that this is exactly reflected in my own personal life. My ability to manage my time and manage towards goals is no different at home than it is at the office - in other words, the perceived flaws are consistent throughout my life.

So here's the question: now that I have started to get a handle on how I spend my time, how do I align what I do with the level of importance that items should merit?

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm.

It's lacking at my current place of work - not just among one or two people, but across departments and buildings. You can see it a number of ways: how early people show up (and how much more at an ordinary time they do now), how quickly they leave at the 8 hour mark, how items which used to not cause friction generate a considerable issue now.

So what is enthusiasm? How does one get it - or lose it?

Enthusiasm, per the www.merriam-webster.com definition, is "a strong excitement or feeling; something inspiring zeal or fervor." The root Greek word entheos literally means "in god", the idea that God is in you inspiring you.

So let's rephrase the question: what inspires strong excitement, feeling, zeal or fervor?

- Emotions.
- A Mission.
- A Purpose.
- Things we care about (whether significant or banal: sports, for example, can inspire a great deal of enthusiasm).

Interestingly, the common theme apparent to me as I look at these is that it involves a relationship between a person and something outside them, a connection in between their hearts and an idea or item that they feel, that becomes or is made important to them.

Is that is? That in our work, our lives, our relationships and our Christian walk we have failed to build a connection or relationship, that we presume that something important to us is important to all? Or could it be that we have become too lazy to build that relationship, seeking to substitute authority and power?

Be not mistaken. Building enthusiasm in others is hard. In essence, you are building that bridge between them and the thing that you want to create enthusiasm about. You have to convince different people of different backgrounds and concerns that this item is worthy of the relationship and worthy of the time that it will take to build it and the cost of getting there. It's finding new ways of restating the same thing, of finding different connections to help others connect with what you see.

It's difficult. It's long. But try going without the benefit of an enthusiastic group for a while and you discover how high the cost is for not building it in.

Mine! Mine!

I was reminded yesterday that my life is not my own - hasn't really been for a long period of time.

Yesterday, getting into the car to spend my carefully hoarded birthday money, the air conditioning on my car started to make a horrible grinding noise when idling. This was added to the starter on the van suddenly quitting the day before.

I had felt okay about it on Saturday - initially freaking out, I went through our finances and suddenly was feeling better about everything. Then, yesterday comes and I'm right back where I started from.

Initially I was angry, although I tried to control it. "It's mine, mine!" I screamed in my mind driving around yesterday thinking grim thoughts about other places that we could cut to make sure the work was paid for and I got to salvage something. Then I was reminded of a saying Larry Burkett used: "God promises to meet our needs, but not necessarily our wants". The very reason that I had that money may be to pay for this without crippling our family budget.

But those wants - picking up a theme I had been mulling over this weekend - extended not just to money but to fundamental root of life itself, time. I tend to regard my time at work as my own, the payment that I get for having to commute to and work at a place I don't particularly care for. The reality is (much like my money) my time is not really for me: it's for my God and my family. That's the reason I have it.

If I start from that perspective it changes everything: when I leave for work, what I do before work, what I do after work (i.e. what do I do while my kids are still awake), what goals I set for myself with hope of achieving.

If I don't get to do all my projects before I die, it has little eternal impact. If I fail to serve God and lead my family, it has a huge eternal impact.

Thought for the Day

"Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeliness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, no so much for the sake of my own happiness (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities."
- Diary of David Brainerd, entry for 17 May 1747; The Life and Diary of Daivd Brainerd, Missionary to the Indians by Jonathan Edwards

Family Goals

The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were talking, among other things, about goals for our family - and how we don't seem to have any.

It's a bit of a bizarre thing to consider - your family is, by default, something you spend much of your time immersed in, sort of like a fish living in the very thing that he breathes and draws nourishment from: he doesn't think of it as something outside of the way he lives every day. And sometimes we get so busy with what we think family goals are - earning a good living, having well behaved children, praying on a regular basis, spending "time" with our spouse - that we forget those are really activities, not goals to achieve; metrics, if you will, of "how" we're doing, not "what "we're doing.

The next curious thing is that even if we have goals, we may have them only internally to ourselves while thinking that they are best for the family. A goal is not a goal - really - unless all the participating parties are invested in it. I can say "I'd like to go to Disneyland" but unless everyone agrees and thereby makes the sacrifices to make it happen, it won't happen - even though I want it to and will act in my own way to see it fulfilled.

The final curious thing is that it's not something that is widely thought, I think. Businesses have goals, individuals have personal goals - but families often seem exempt or immune from this idea that "unless you know where you're going, you'll never get there". This is one thing I appreciate about Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He emphasizes goals ("Begin with the end in mind") not only for individuals, but for families as well.

So your family goals? Got them? Know them? Have written them down?

Fasting

I'm trying a fast today.

One thing I have realized as I have been reading and thinking this last week is that some spiritual activities in my life - prayer, reading Scripture - have come to take a great deal less importance than maybe they should have and certainly less than they should.

Along with these considerations, fasting came to the forefront, both for decision making as well as in general for seeking the will and guidance of God. Interestingly, most pre-20th century authors and biographies of Christians I have read used this practice - another example of something that seems to fallen off the bandwagon in the 20th Century.

So what am I fasting for? Guidance, of course - always guidance. But also an attempt, in my own broken way, to seek God's face more closely.

Rebellion and Submission

I had an interview yesterday.

It was for a manager position at a company located about 17 hours away. It was a good interview - in fact, the second best interview of my life in its challenges and questions.

In the end, the discussion came down to two things: 1) What guarantee is there that I won't move away again (I have a history of short stays at companies)? ; 2) What is my industry background and how do I compensate for the lack of a typical one?

We left the conversation at a "Let's think about it and touch bases next week." However, driving home after that, I had a keen sense that God wanted to talk to me about it - one of those "I don't know how, I just know" things.

So after dinner, after dishes, after the rabbits and grocery shopping, I came home and read the last two chapters of Lord, Change my Attitude Before It's Too Late by James MacDonald. The last two chapters were "Replacing an Attitude of Rebellion..." "...with an Attitude of Submission".

Ouch.

There it was, written by someone other than me. The key to my unhappiness, to my constant job changing, to a plethora of things I had faced at my previous church. Rebellion and Submission.

I have always thought that my job moves were normal, that they were good and necessary and smart on my part. Could it be that I changed jobs so much because I was in rebellion towards those who were over me?

Could it be that when I went to The Firm, it was in rebellion, ultimately to God, about where I was and what I was doing?

Could my job change from the last but one be the same thing?

And church in Old Home - how I clung to the idea of being an elder, or a deacon, or even a teacher. In ever case, they didn't work out - in fact, I clung to teaching even after I was told I would not be officially sponsored, even turning down opportunities to co-lead a larger group? Was it a rebellion against authority?

MacDonald makes the point that if we are in rebellion, we are ultimately in rebellion against God. If in rebellion, then we are out from His authority and if out from under His authority, we place ourselves in a position of great risk. Says MacDonald:

"I'm amazed at how many people's lives are nothing more than the sum total of decisions they've made to get out from under worthy authority - bad choices and their consequences that follow, often for the rest of their lives."

That's me.

My life is more defined by jobs I've left than jobs I've remained at, losses rather than gains (first The Firm, then our house - at a not unsubstantial sum of money), and ministries removed by God than exercised.

And here I am - miles from family and friends, no permanent home that we own, redlining financially - contemplating moving again? Uprooting my family even as they attempt to become established where they are?

Why? I can come up with lots of justifications: not liking the current sub-field of my employment, ethics, boredom, lack of resources, my management. But for a great many reasons, I'm forced to admit that I am simply in rebellion to the fact that I am not in charge and not "happy" or "fulfilled" on a daily basis.

So what do I do about this?

In a way it's amazingly simple: repent. In a way it's amazingly hard. Submit.

Submit. Submit to where God has placed me, under whom God has placed me. Submit to the fact that this "need" to move is simply a dream, a feeling, a real version of the rich inner fantasy life I have always had. There are no dragons to slay or worlds to explore; neither are there perfect jobs to be had.

Of course I rise up within myself as I write this. Submit? Oh, indeed submit: submit to a job that dead ends, to a life of a job that you can tolerate and leaders who will command poorly. Submit to never getting ahead, of being what you are for the rest of your working life. Submit to whatever dreams you may have being laid waste in a foreign desert.

But that's where faith comes in.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path.
Be not wise in your own eyes:
Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." - Proverbs 3:3-5

By submitting, one is putting one's faith in God. Faith that He can (and will) see and hear us. Faith that by bearing up, He is glorified - and we are rewarded.

I fear, of course. Fears of being trapped, fears of being useless, fears of (frankly) never getting financially ahead, fears of never doing anything that I want.

But God is good. The question is, will I submit - or continue in rebellion?

To Become the Enemy

"To become the enemy" means to think yourself in the enemy's position. In the world people tend to think of a robber trapped in a house as a fortified enemy. However, if we think of "becoming the enemy", we feel that the whole world is against us and that there is no escape. He who is shut inside is a pheasant. He who enters to arrest is a hawk. You must appreciate this.
In large scale strategy, people are always under the impression that the enemy is strong, and so tend to become cautious. But if you have good soldiers, and if you understand the principles of strategy, there is nothing to worry about.
In single combat you must put yourself in the enemy's position. If you think, "Here is a master of the Way, who knows the principles of strategy", then you will surely lose. You must consider this deeply." -Miyamoto Musashi, The Water Book, A Book of Five Rings.

How often do we let the perceptions of our opponents - be they people, things, movements, or our emotions - control how we react to them? How often do I let what I think they will do or what power I believe they have control what I do?

Often I build up events or forces or people to the point that I either fear to act or every time I act it is a great battle ready to be enacted. How seldom have I looked at their view - not precisely in empathy, but in seeing how they view me and the same circumstances we are in. Could it be in some situations - nay, in most - I am ceding the ability to act through my fear?

"He who is shut inside is a pheasant. He who enters to arrest is a hawk."

I must appreciate this.

Christian Effectiveness

Over the last two weeks, I have being acquainting/reacquainting myself with new friends and old. The new (courtesy of Otis): Mark Driscoll, Senior Pastor of Mars Hill (Vintage Jesus, Death by Love) and Matt Batterson, Lead Pastor of National Community Church (Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity); the old: Francis Schaeffer (Francis Schaeffer: An Authentic Life, He is There and He is Not Silent). It's not the first time I've read Schaeffer, but it is the first time for the others.

The other two - and at least one other author I've read, Joshua Harris (Stop Dating the Church) are, I would argue, indicative of a movement in Christianity: young (late twenties-mid thirties) pastors starting non-denominational missionary churches, culturally seeking young people in the twenties and thirties who have been "turned off" by traditional mainline denominations, seeking to reinvigorate Christianity. I think there is an argument to made that they are the logical extension of Schaeffer, who believed that the church needed to be involved in the culture around it - and influenced.

Based on what I know these gentlemen through secondhand knowledge and biographies, they are successful in attracting the demographic and have (I think -don't know if anyone has studied this) largely pioneered the use of "campus" locations, where the preaching pastor is broadcast to all locations allowing multiple members to benefit from their teaching.

My question - and this is a question not just for these gentlemen, but for all Christianity (especially in the United States) is: Are you effective?

Christian Effectiveness. There's an oxymoron. "We're Christian. We're dealing in spiritual matters. How can you suggest that we 'measure' how we're doing? It's a work of God, after all. It's not a mechanical thing."

That's true. Matters of God never can be precisely placed into categories or units. At the same time, a great deal of time an energy can be spent on a project, only to discover in the end that the project failed to have any impact or do what it was supposed to. One reason: There were no metrics in place to verify how the project was doing.

Let me be clear: I have enjoyed what I have read of this men. They appear to be orthodox, passionately in love with God, and have a heart for people. In the case of Driscoll and Batterson, they lead large groups of people in some of the most Christ-less cities in the nation.

But are they creating effective Christians?

What is an effective Christian? I ask this question in the context of a nation that more and more is pulling away from God rather than towards it. In the Old Testament, a revival in the Jewish faith and service to God is always followed by a societal impact. Time and time again in the Books of Kings and Chronicles, you see where the King of Israel (David, Solomon) and the Kings of Judah (Asa, Jehoshaphat, Joash & Uzziah [at least the first part of their lives], Hezekiah and Josiah) turn their hearts and their hearts of their people towards the Lord. Inevitably, pagan idols are thrown down and wicked practices are halted.

Can the same be said of us today?

Fine. If you want to measure effectivity, you need a metric. What is the Christian metric?

That is a good question - one I'm not sure I have a full grasp on. I have some initial thoughts though:

Matthew 28: 19-20 - The Great Commission:
a) Make disciples of all nations (What's a disciple? How do we make one?)
b) Baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit (What
is baptism? What does it represent? How do we do it in the way that Christ intended?)
c) Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you (What things did Christ
command? What does "observe them" mean?)

Matthew 22: 34-40 (also Mark 12: 28-34) - The Greatest Commandment
a) You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your
mind/strength (What does it mean to love God with all of these?)
b) You shall love your neighbor as yourself? (Who is my neighbor? How do I love myself?
How should I love them?)

Acts 2: 40-47 - Growth of the Church, especially verse 42
"They continued steadfastly in"
a) The apostles' doctrine (What was the doctrine of the apostles?)
b) Fellowship (How is fellowship used here? What does it mean?)
c) The breaking of bread (How do we do communion? How should we do it?)
d) In prayers (How did they pray? What did they pray? How do we do these two things?)
e) How do we "continue steadfastly in these things?

This is an incomplete list to be sure and I've no idea how we would objectively measure or apply these metrics. I suspect that the book of Acts - as the history of the early church - would give us the greatest guidance in what the early church considered an "effective witness of Christ".

But we have to start somewhere. More is not always better, and the Bible clearly teaches that a change in people's hearts is reflected primarily in their lives and secondarily in their culture. To the degree that nothing has changed in ourselves or in our culture, I submit that the church has lost its effectiveness -its qualities of salt and light, and therefore its witness.

Surprise!

This morning it suddenly became time for my periodic blog backup (periodic in the sense that I've only done it once before). It's an unsophisticated process - copying the webpage by month, watching the cursor scroll down to the bottom, then transferring it to a Word document and pasting it. Rinse and repeat.

Out of a sense of curiosity as I did this, I decided to calculate the word count. It's a rough guess of course, and I had to create a calculation to deduct those items that I don't author but blogspot pastes in. Still, I was curious as to the amount of words.

Estmate as of 11 June 2010: 503,130 words.

Surprise!

I say surprise because this actually stuns me. I have convinced myself that I may be able to write small things, but I could never write something as long as a book. Too many words, don't you know.

The reality of this morning is yes, I could. The roadblock I have to get around is that it's not all written at one time, but one word at a time, day by day.

It's not in the parts, but in the whole that we see the sum of our efforts.

People Who Fight People

I find myself in a constant struggle between how I should act with people and how I do act with people.

I am no different than so many other people: I tend to like and react well to those who like me, and tend to dislike and not react well to those who dislike me. Further, I often find myself in conversations about those with whom I have difficult relations - the "banding together against a common foe."

But in the big picture is that good? Is that Christlike?

There often seems to be a fine line between disagreement and dislike, especially in the employment environment. I can - and often do - disagree profoundly with managers and coworkers, yet it often does not achieve the level of a personal affront or indignity. We get up, we go on our way, and we do our jobs without rancor or distrust.

But other times it results in precisely all of those things: we disagree profoundly, we are affronted, and we leave in rancor or with anger - often not about the situation itself, but about how it was handled.

So what's a Christian to do?

How does one pursue the common calling all Christians while grappling with the extingencies of personal relations on a day to day basis?

The key - perhaps - is grace.

Grace realizes that God has dealt generously with me even though I did not deserve it. Grace realizes that most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are broken and sinful, even as I am broken and sinful. Grace realizes that a host of factors - youth, age, experience, inexperience - contribute to how individuals see others and the world around them. And grace realizes that what's important is not the here and now, not the one upsmanship of daily life, but rather than coming of eternity and where these people we laugh with, laugh at, argue with, amuse, and become angry at are going to be without Christ.

I am far from a master at this, but realization is the first step in dealing with a problem. I need to look through the problems created to see the individuals underneath.

Flying Home

Venus blazes white
as a ribbon of azure
sits above dark clouds.

Strands of gray cotton
block out the lights of living:
Descending to earth.

Priorities

"Courage rather than analysis dictates the truly important rules for identifying priorities:

- Pick the future as against the past;
- Focus on opportunity rather than on problem;
- Choose your own direction - rather than climb on the bandwagon;
- Aim high, aim for something that will make a difference, rather than for something that is "safe" and easy to do."

- Peter Drucker, The Effective Executive (p. 111)

How do we identify priorities in our lives? How do we identify what we will spend our time on?

At least for myself, too often I let my priorities be dictated by either 1) the circumstances around me; and 2) other people. And this is not just true in my work environment - it's true in every aspect of my life.

If I look at the list that Drucker has above, I find that I fall down in all aspects:

1) I tend to focus on the past in the sense that I tend to accrete additional priorities instead of making a list and then discarding ones that are no longer relevant or important. In that sense, I am a "pack rat" of priorities instead of pruning out ones that are no longer relevant.

2) I tend to focus on problems - what can't be done - rather than opportunities - what can be done.

3) I have tended to often jump on the projects and priorities of others rather than choosing my own priorities. The Firm is one example of this: if I truly examine things in the light of honesty, what I find is that a large part of my wanting to do it was the "fear" that I would be left behind in a success rather than being truly convinced that this was the way I should go in my life. Uisdean Ruadh has often commented to me in the regard that I have more often chosen the roads of others than the road of myself.

4) I am often trapped between my desire to want to make a difference and contribution against the reality that I need to be "practical". The two often seem at odds with each other: that which can make a difference is often different from the "safe" path of life.

The good news is, one can change one's priorities.

I find myself at an interesting crossroads of my life: in a place in which we are removed from family yet we like, in a job that is not outstanding but can be borne and improved, in many ways at the point of "restarting" large portions of our spiritual, financial, and personal lives.

What a great time to re-examine my priorities - and take action.

Atypical

Today is an atypical morning.

Due to travel arrangements, I did not get up at my usual time of 4:45 AM. I did not begin my rituals of praying, making coffee, reading until 5:30 AM and eating breakfast, nor at 5:30 AM did I feed the rabbits. I didn't get on the computer at 5:40 AM and blog or scan the news, get in the shower at 6:15 AM and leave the house by 6:35 AM.

An atypical morning.

The whole thing is somewhat revealing in its atypicalness - it is amazing how just doing the same things in a slightly different order or at a slightly different time seems to completely upset my state of mind. Instead of traveling in the typical paths, it's as if the mind is off on it's own erratic course: starting out straight then crashing into one curve in the road followed by careening into the other side, all accompanied by fireworks and "The 1812 Overture".

But in atypicality (is that even a word) lies the seeds of brilliance.

A rut, it has been said, is a grave with both ends kicked out. Scheduling is great - in fact, I could use more of it in my work life where I am constantly torn hither and yon by individuals and needs which are not directly my own. At the same time, there's a subtle change - so subtle I wonder if one is conscious of it - that changes a schedule to the way we've always done it, then to a rut, then to a collapse into a heap if one thing is out of order. Only the occasional (or not so occasional) atypical moment stops us in our tracks, makes us halt and look around us - and in that looking, to see possibilities and ideas and the wildflowers on the side of the road that we would never see.

So here I'll sit, drinking coffee long after I would be typically gone from home, looking for that insight and those wildflowers on the side of the road.

Sanctified

"And for their sake I sanctify Myself, that they may also be sanctified by the truth." - John 17:19

This verse leapt out at me this morning as I did my morning New Testament reading - again, one of those verses that has been there the whole time, but never spoke to me before.

Sanctification - the process of being set aside and progressively being made more holy - is one which permeates both the Old and New Testament. It is what God seeks of His children, a process in which we participate but do not originate or complete, and enables us to become even brighter lights in a dark world.

So the sanctification aspect did not catch my eye.

What did catch my eye was the statement "For their sakes I sanctify Myself."

I am constantly reminded - indeed overwhelmed - by all that Christ has done for me. But here's another thing - sanctifying Himself, making Himself holy right before his arrest and crucifixion. And why? "That they also may be sanctified by the truth" -as John MacArthur says, "He was totally set apart for the Father's will. he did that in order that believers might be set apart to God by the truth He brought."

Truth. Christ died that we might be set apart by the truth He brought, setting us apart by the death He came to suffer for those who could not save themselves. To mull this over, to realize the implications of a perfect God surrendering His Son to die for the likes of us, should once again overwhelm us with grace and a true sense of unworthiness.

He died to sanctify you.

What have you done for Him today?

New Home Afternoon

Bowed under weightless,
A plant stem touches the soil:
Butterfly takes off.

Managing

In midst of a downhill avalanche of paperwork commonly known as "tasks" at work yesterday, I happened to look at the business card that I keep by my phone to remind of me of my phone number, I happened to catch my title: "Manager".

What, I thought, is a manager? One who manages of course. So what is managing?

Per Webster: "To exercise executive, administrative and supervisory direction of."

Funny I thought, since that doesn't really seem to be what I do.

I am trapped in the role of "working manager", a role that I believe has become more common in the current economic situation. Essentially this is the practice of giving a title of authority while expecting one to function as one being managed as well. It's not just setting goals and directing the overall pace or movement of a department, it's doing the ordinary yet important work of the department as well.

It makes it difficult when pronouncements come down from time to time about "this needs to be done" or "Why haven't you accomplished this - you're X department." In my heart of hearts I want to scream "How can I manage anything when I to busy trying to ensure that things get done?"

It buttressed in my mind my comment yesterday about managing myself because I make the same errors. Managing, at some level, requires an idea of where we are going (that's leadership ) in order to regulate how we get there. No leadership: we tend to follow the path of least resistance. No management: progress towards the goal is lost because no-one is directing how we get there (this paragraph is largely based on Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; I direct you there for a more full discussion).

So what does this mean on a day to day level? I'm not sure - except I have come to the realization that what is happening now is not working and if I want to move on to the next stage of anything, something has to change.

Change Your (L)Attitude

"Whether you think you can succeed or think you can fail, you're right." - Henry Ford

Fear Mor had his "Eat with Senior Management" lunch yesterday - one of those items in which senior management has lunch with employees after they've been at the company for a certain amount of time in order to get a sense of what employees are thinking. Being who he is, Fear Mor popped off the question of what the future of the company was, where we were going. What he was met with was silence, followed by stumbling and groping for answer - generalities without any specifics.

Not a confidence builder in any sense of the word.

But important - an important reminder that for any of us as individuals, we cannot (in the end) rely on any other humans to do what we need to do. The question is fair of leadership of any organization - what's our purpose, where are we headed - but the question is equally fair of myself as well - what's my purpose, where am I headed.

It requires a fundamental rethinking of how we view our own lives - a change of attitude, if you will, about the responsibility each of us shares for our own lives. In other words, the responsibility for where I am, and where I am going, is in the end my own.

This is a hard thing for many (including myself) to accept as responsibility is often associated with the power to execute. "I can't do anything about that" one may whine "because I am only a lowly employee/student/person and don't have the power to influence the direction or purpose of my company/school/relationship".

In many cases I'd actually agree with that sentiment - we don't the power to change the place where we are or many of the conditions under which we live or work. But we do have the power to change both our attitude (in the fact that we are responsible for where we're going) and our latitude (where we work, go to school, with whom we have relationships).

I'm not saying it is easy, nor am I saying that changing our attitude or our latitude can happen overnight. But neither is it an accurate and fair statement to say that we cannot change them at all.

Both our attitude and our latitude are either controlled by ourselves or others. In one case we act as free individuals, in the other we act as slaves.

What's your (l)attitude this morning?

Two Paths

I was confronted this morning as I walked with the specter of two career paths - two paths of which I have not had to choose from for some time.

On one path is the journey of the comfortable, of that which I know today, of working with individuals I enjoy in an environment I know. The chances of achievement are low, in fact probably nil, and the growth that will occur there is minimal, but it is comfortable and known and I like it.

On the other path is the journey of the uncomfortable, of leaving that which is known (and let's be honest - to some extent which I have created), of moving into an environment which will probably be more challenging - but where the chances of achievement are much higher and the growth potential much greater.

I feel that I am facing, in a small way, the initial conceptual challenge that those who move on always feel: do I stay here where I am comfortable, or do I grow? I suppose it's the same concept that moved Lincoln from Illinois or any actor or actress from their hometown to their first theater.

And it's not even a geographical move per se - it's an intellectual move which agrees with and embraces the concept that growth is more important than comfort, and achievement is more important than coasting.

Taking It To The Next Level

This whole question of goals, motivation and purpose has been gnawing at my brain all weekend. A lot of it, I gather, is really due to that fabulous video that was in my last post. Some it, I suppose as well, is due to the fact that in two days I will have reached my one year mark at New Job and New Home, thereby meeting all my contractual obligations and setting the stage for investigating new things with a clean conscience if I so desire.

But I suppose that the wretched Otis is also to blame - in working through concepts for a new blog, he commented "So you're ready to take your writing up to the next level?" I had to correct him a bit - the new blog is professionally related and will not be connected with this essentially on-line journal - but his words stuck with me.

Taking it to the next level.

I'm confronted by this at work as well, as I continue to begin to come into contact with those younger than I who have exceeded my position and my education. I look at where I am and what I do and them and their situation, and realize that there is a level of comfort I have allowed to enter my job which is preventing me from moving forward.

Again, taking it to the next level.

How much of our life becomes rote, a rut (also described as "a grave with two ends kicked out), because we become willing to believe that comfort is our end goal, not striving to better ourselves - not just (or even only) in the material sense, but in the personal and spiritual sense as well? If I fail to challenge myself to higher achievement, it follows that I will fail to lift those around me up to that higher level as well.

It's June - almost mid-year, and a fabulous time to reexamine those goals set at the beginning of the year (for a fabulous article by Jeffrey Gitomer about goals, go here). With half the year left, will I take it up to the next level - or wonder why I am still where I am?