Action and reaction

Today, a total random incident which provoked a serious thought: In the course of my normal work environment interaction, I responded to a coworker with what is often my satirical dry wit at my place of employment. Her reaction was less enthusiastic. Then, later in the day, I reacted in a calm, pleasant, positive manner, and got a distinctly different reaction.

This led to another thought: how am I interacting with everyone around me? How am I interacting with the Ravishing Mrs. TB? Is it as an adult, or do I still act and react according to a behaviour or maturity level that used to work for me, and I still believe it does?

The question is not an idle one. If much of an individual's response to me is how I present myself to them, and I am presenting myself to them in a way that gets the responses that I have always gotten, and therefore associate with "Okay", is it real or am I just continuing to play music off an 8 Track in an MP3 world and thinking the sound quality is great?

In speaking with Bogha frois about this issue tonight, I hypothesized that it was a question of behaviour and maturity, that one could change one's maturity and have a modified for of behavior, or not change behaviour and maturity. Bogha frois disagreed, presenting a couple of example where if the maturity level did not change, the behavior did not change, but instead got transmuted into age appropriate situations - boys who love toy cars have real, large, expensive toy cars; girls who loved to gossip about others in their social circle of friends becoming women (homemakers or professionals) who loved to gossip about others.

I think the jury is still out for me on this, as I can see both sides: there are forms of behavior I have changed as my situation has changed and I have matured, but are still recognizable echoes of myself (but are they good), and there are behaviors that have stuck with me all these years, as they have transformed with my life and situations (oddly enough, mostly bad habits).

If I interact with the Ravishing Mrs. TB as I interacted with her as a girlfriend and newlywed, I am not likely to get the same response as if I examined my level of maturity and changed my behavior to act accordingly. One example is that while I think that the help that I give around the house is a demonstration of my love, or being "hopelessly romantic" in hopes of getting my way, a more practical method might be to do the things that it is evident need to be done, but that she has not been able to do - the things I selfishly don't like to do, like paint, or trim bushes, or put laundry away. This represents a maturity level - moving out of my self-centeredness - and resulting in a change in my behaviour.

I'll continue to think about it. Odd how a single incident can prompt such a string of thoughts.

Quiet Space

An evening where I felt quiet. Not for any reason that I can divine - often times these are brought on by depression or sadness, but neither of these things am I consciously aware of.

But you come home and you have quiet space - not feeling the need to communicate, not feeling the need to participate, just feeling the need to be solitary inside - "as an oyster", as Dickens said of Scrooge.

Perhaps it is an unconscious thing, a realization underneath that something has occurred which is great import, but is not recognized as such by your mind (if it happened today, I've no idea what it was). Oftentimes my own mind will run off on tangents, places I have no idea where it is going, because it sees a thought or connection it needs to complete to make sense.

I'm not sure - all I know is that tonight, there is quiet space within me, that vaguely ominous feeling that something occurred and I missed it.

And, unfortunately, the silence doesn't speak of its own accord....

Da Derga

I was going to write about something today, but now I'll write about something else.

It will surprise those who know me over the last 5-10 years that prior to then, I had a very different life. Some of it you know, in part: college professor, teacher, retail worker extraodinaire, water and coffee exporter, dreamer. The part you probably don't know is that at one time, I had a musical career.

Da Derga, the fabulous harp/vocal/bodhran group of Toirdhealbheach Beucail and Cleasiche fionnadh, which existed form 1994 -1995. We did music from all six of the Celtic Countries (Yes, as a side note, I play the harp - but not as well as I used to, probably part of the problem). We did shows, we sang in both English and in Celtic tongues (Toirdhealbheach Beucail is actually Old Gaelic for "Booming, Thundering, Roaring X" [X, of course, being my real name], in the sense of a roaring or booming cannon, which if you know me, know this is true: I'm loud!). I played the harp, and Cleasiche fionnadh sang and played the bodhran.

Why do I puzzle this now? Because it was something I loved to do. I practiced every day, I walked around muttering obscure languages, I actually got paid for playing!

Why do I write this? Because we made a decision at some point: tour or stop. Essentially, I entered the work force, moved to the South Bay, and got "A real job". Do I regret this? No, in many ways - that job, and the jobs that have resulted from it, have enabled me to travel, to support myself and my family, and given me greater income opportunities that I would have otherwise believed.

But still there is a part of me, the lyrical, musical, fantasy part, that was turned away that day - and is powerful. How do I connect that part with the reality of today?

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself went away for the weekend to the South Bay - just us, no kids. It was remarkable - we talked about our lives, and where we wanted to go; we ate meals and didn't fight over eating or sharing crayons - in one event, we just appetizers and dessert for dinner, and lingered over our meal for two hours!; we shopped without chasing kids under the clothing racks.

We even lingered in bookstores.

At which, for the first time in almost a year, I purchased a book from a bookstore- and a book just based on my review of it in the store: The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching! by Jeffrey Gitomer.

But all vacations must end. I felt myself tensing up as we got closer to home, and Mrs. TB was doing the same. For myself, it was the dread of work coming towards me.

In reading my new book, one of the author's points is that you have to believe in yourself and your product to sell it. If I am my product, do I believe in myself? Do I present that way?

This prompted me to review my CV, and having seen a lot of CVs lately, I can tell you that mine looked like everyone else's: each job, dates, name of company, followed by the summary description of what I did (which looked like the previous one) in order to build a "history" of experience.

Blah. The darn thing looks blah. I wouldn't hire me - and I'm stuck with me.

Jobs? Not a problem, no matter my own perception and excuses. On a job website for my industry, 8 pages of jobs under a version of what I currently do.

(Start Aside)

On a side note (and worthy of discussion at a later time) is that pessimists tend to be pessimistic (in other news, Sun rises in East. News at 11). People thrive physically, spiritually, and financially in all circumstances, including potentially bad economic ones. Instead of looking at the headlight of the oncoming train and thinking "Hmmm, that looks weird", shouldn't you at least get off the track?

(End Aside)

I have set my sights too low, settled for what I could get without struggle rather than tried to see how far I can reach. There is a brave new world in my industry, and I'm stuck in the 1980's - because I choose to remain there.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because who knows what's on the other side.

Talking to your wife

I realized the other day the my conversations with the Ravishing Mrs. TB are not near to the level of my interactions with other females I interact with, primarily through my job. Why is this, I wondered? It's not as if I have any more personal relationship that that with my wife, nor that one more enduring (think about it - how many coworkers do you work with in a lifetime?)

Is it the intellectual "content" of the conversations? Perhaps - but tell me how the discussion of matters that don't matter in five years is somehow "intellectual".

A two part problem, perhaps, one caused both by the habit of not talking to each other due to schedules to the point you feel you have nothing to speak about once the basics of communication are complete.

The other is a direct failure on my own part: how much do I seek to truly cultivate the art of conversation with my wife? How much do I seek to discuss with her matters of import to me, or matters of interest to her? How much do I eek to engage directly in the issues of the date and the future? How much do I share about myself?

How come this list seems to focus on my own shortcomings?

Probably because they are so manifest...

God getting your attention

God got my attention yesterday:

1) I got an e-mail from at work indicating that I was the holdup on a major project at work. Senior management was carbon copied on the e-mail.

I felt like being two steps away from screaming "I quit". I know why it was done - someone needed the item taken care off, and chose to go this route to get it done.

I was angry because already that day I had been doing things to support clients - getting documentation into order to support projects, catching up on old projects, etc. My reward: You're the roadblock.

I came home and spent an hour at night ensuring that everything was in order, dreading the thought as I did it "You missed X" - but it could not afford not to be done.

I get angry just writing about it.

But did it serve me well? What did I desire, what was I denied?

Respect. Acknowledgement - indeed, worship. validation. To be seen as respected - not treated as recalcitrant.

I struggled today with going in, being Christlike, not showing anger, meeting everyones' requests humbly, not asking for recognition.

I hate it. I want to be respected and desired so badly, I could cry

Finding a Life

Coming to work this morning, I could just sense myself coming down. I need to find a new career field.

I asked both the Ravishing Mrs. TB as well as Bogha frois what they could picture me doing. The Ravishing Mrs. TB said she could picture me doing a lot of things - farming, writing - but they wouldn't make a living. Bogha frois asked me a couple of thought questions - Make an impact on a few vs. making impact on many; would what I'm doing matter if it was making a major contribution in the industry I'm in versus what I doing in the industry now (not making a major contribution) - and said she'd get back to me.

I hunger for something that has impact and effect, something I can look back on and feel I made impact for good - not just a job, but a calling

Depression

Another one of those days - the kind where you sort of collapse at the end of the day, worn out, not seeing anything but more of the same tomorrow.

I don't know what causes it - is it the onset of fall, is it the ordinariness of one's life, is it the feeling of no control over one's circumstanced? I cannot fully answer, perhaps all. All I know is that dark curtain called depression has returned.

And no, for those of you wondering, merely "changing your thoughts" is not enough...

They are different than they used to be - not nearly as black, not nearly as depressing. More of a general malaise, a feeling of futility, that nothing will change and nothing will improve and good heavens, here's the five bad things that will happen tomorrow and now let's extrapolate about how those five bad things will spin into five worse things and scar you for life....

And so it goes...depression as a James Joyce novel...

It will pass - they always do, and the singular light of God's presence will return. I suppose one could make the argument that the darkness makes the stars brighter - although, I would hasten to add that this is generally said by people in their nice warm lighted houses looking out the window....

....not by those in the howling darkness.

Making Decisions

I had a consulting appointment for a personal coach which turned out not as all like I had planned.

I had my phone conference with a project manager, after my initial screening. It went as I had expected: challenging, focus, look to the future. We then got down to brass tacks: the promises to me, expectations of me, and, of course, the finances - about $3300 for a 5 month session. We then got to closing the deal: the credit card number ("We recommend people use a line of credit so they can pay it off a little at a time"). I was honest with the project manager - I wanted to ask my parents for the money as a loan. We agreed to talk on Monday.

I was unsettled when I left for work. I called Bogha frois to talk about it. Her thought was that price someone else, see what the reates were - in essence, do more research.

It hit me during the day that I had been heavily sold that morning. Looking back, I could track it: what were my wants, look to the future (to what could be done), the challenge, the buy-in from me, the extension of the offer (like getting into an exclusive clb), the promises to me, the commitment ("What would it take to move you from a 7 to a 10 of commitment?"), and then the request for the sale. Only by the grace of God did I not go further, just because it cost a little too much to finance.

And then, I felt used. Icky, I described it. Like an incident long ago, where I was used by someone else. I felt dirty and unclean.

Why? Because I fell for it. I can see it now, but I still allowed myself to be sold.

Which lead into an interesting discussion with Bogha frois about decisions, good and bad. There are decisions I have made that were bad, but I clung to them - rode them down the rails to their bitter end - and usually regretted them. Theere other ones which did not have the same sense of "DECISION", that were not that difficult, that turned out fine.

What was the difference? I'm not sure - Bogha frois thought it was pride, that one worked one's self up to a diecision where one usually would not, and once one was decided, one was damn well going to follow through, because decisions were difficult, and one shouldn't listen to one's fears - even when they lead one nowhere. To turn aside, to adimit one wasn't ready, to go back requires humility.

I wrote in my journal that I need to ponder this more. How is the process of making decisions different between the two senses that I described? How can I engage in more of the decisions made not from pride, but from humility?

The Inner Critic

I was speaking today with Bogha Frois on the way home today. She said she had intended to comment on the blog, but she wrote and unwrote a comment four times, finally not commenting at all. I asked her why, she said didn't think she put the words together right. I gently nudged her about the inner critic, and why did she let it get in the way.

From here we had a fruitful discussion about the inner critic. The thing that came out of our discussion was that the inner critic can become real not only from those who we have long associations with (often family) as we come to accept the folibles and lackings of those we honor and love, but (I think) more often from our friends and acquaintances, those whom we engage with as equals, whom we develop relationships with and give advice to and take advice from. What happens when those whose opinions we value react badly to heartfelt dreams or advice which we give with the best intentions.

I say this struggling with it myself - even in writing, I so fail to write at all - or speak at all - because I don't think things are good enough or make enough sense. But what am I critical of?

And is it I, or the voices of others long gone, whose only power only now lies in their ability to self-censor myself

Sin

How do I continue to cling to sin in my life?

Sometines I feel that I am in a state of stasis: not shedding my sin, but maybe not collecting "new ones" either. Some just seem to bubble to the surface, like anger or language. Some are always there, like sloth or lust. Some (by the grace of God) I seem to get a handle on, like covetousness or greed.

How is this? How is it determined?

Is it something that I do? Could I forsake more of my sin if I walked closer to God, confessed my sin, and tried harder?

Is it something that God is doing, working through them in a pattern random to me but sensible to Him?

Am I what is holding back becoming more like the Lord Jesus through my lack of dedication and sinfulness? If so, how can I more completely deal with my sin?

Winterizing the Bees

The Bees - the one colony that survived the summer - is now set (as far as I can make them) for the winter. This was not a stellar year - of the three colonies (one overwintered, two purchased, plus a new queen) only one survived - either Minnesota Hygenic or Carniolan, I'm not sure.

This year we did everything we knew to do: serviced for varroa mites, prepared winter syrup, placed a pollen patty in for extra nutrition, treated for foulbrood, and (of course) buttoned up the entrance to the smallest hole. I know not what else to do.

Next year I'm planning to order another three hives - if the overwinter one survives, so much the better, we just have to get another hive. That's okay. This is a hobby which, by failing, I seem to be getting sucked into more.

I love beekeeping!

The Future

Nighean gheal and I had a brief interesting dicussion on the future. It began when nighean bhan asked what a fortune teller was. I told her it was someone who purported to tell the future, and that we, as Christians and followers of Jesus, were not to engage in such practices (Deuteronomy 18: 9-14, Isaiah 8: 18-19). Only God knows the future, I told her.

Then nighean gheal said "Sometimes I think that the future won't be good." I responded "Yes, but we know God is there through it. He says He will always be with us." "I'll try and remember that" she said, and then we had moved on.

Good enough, and I hope she does - but do I?

I get terribly upset and concerned about things over which I have no control. I worry about the future world of my children. But do I account for God in the future? Do I try and remember that?

Depression

I apologize for the absence, but have been fighting a deep depression over the last two weeks.

Partially, I think it's due to the fact that I have let work get out of control. My associate leaving has created a work load to be distributed between myself and one other. Looking at the piles depressed me, depressing me caused the work to seem even larger, and what I accomplished even more insignificant.

This then feeds into the equation of feeling that one's life is being wasted. What am I truly accomplishing (in the big picture) by doing what I do? I don't save lives, I don't convert souls, I don't truly feel like I am contributing anything, that I am a little person performing useless tasks which will have no meaning 10 years hence, let alone 100.

And then I more depressed, and then I eat (using food as the one thing I can control), and then I get more depressed.

So I cried and yelled at God. Alot. Then I fasted today, and prayed that God would help me see some hope.

Did anything drastic change? No. We had a nice birthday dinner for nighean bhan, she went to AB, nighean gheal stayed home watching a movie (she felt ill - probably too much sugar and fat), and nighean dhonn got read and went to bed. Nothing earthshattering I fear - except the knowledge that this is what I have been given - and certainly the lives (and spiritual destinies) of my children and my wife will last far beyond 100 years - eternally, in fact.

So thankful none the less - and hopeful to boot!

Seed Day

I received my seeds in the mail yesterday - 2 kinds of broccoli, cabbage, leeks, and an ancient (low gluten) wheat.

It is odd how something relatively simple (and cheap) can give a person so much pleasure. The cost was under $10.00. The anticipation of what I can do with them is, as they say, priceless.

The lesson here, I think, is that cost never total equals enjoyment - or usefulness. Done right, these seeds will lower some of our food costs, and be another sample of doing something which directly contibutes to my family - which makes me feel good.

And the challenges which come from there - planting early, doing my composting better, trying different amendments to the garden (not always successfully, I'll add) - give me pleasurable work, far removed from that which seemingly grabs so much of my time now.

Driving to Work

Traffic to work has seemingly been getting worse - it takes a fully 90 -100 minutes to get to work, where previously it took 80-85 minutes. The worst part of it is simply the fact that I don't look forward to the arrival.

It hit me this morning that this is an intolerable thing. I recall doing The Firm, and in that, for all the things I didn't like, I can honestly say I actually anticipated going to work in the morning. E fhein still does that line of work, and I can guarantee you that with all the problems inherent in that line of work, he still looks foward to doing it every day.

And, said a very wise man, you can't be truly successful in a career you don't love.

I'm mulling this over. As I think I've said before, part of what keeps me from truly pursuing a new position is the sense that if I go somewhere else, the situation will become the same in about two years - my average stay in a job in this industry.

What would make me want to get up to go to work in the morning? What makes me get up now with excitement when I don't have to work? If I could hone and focus that, therein probably lies my answer.

Harvesting Corn

I harvested my corn this weekend. Yes, it's late in the season, and no, I can never seem to time it right to actually eat anything that I grow. I grow it mostly for the corn stalks for my wife to decorate with and the kernels to make corn meal with - and, I suppose, the ever present hope that this year, I'll get some...



It was one of the mornings where you can tell that autumn is here: the air is a little crisp, the sunlight has that slight haze that indicates that the fall is coming hard. I moved through, pulling the ears off the the stalks, putting them to the side, then cuttin off the corn at the roots, piling the larger stalks to one side for shocking, the smaller ones to the left for eventual composting. I could hear the voices of my family coming out from the open windows as I worked away in the quiet morning air.



There is something about harvesting that satisfies my soul in a way that I cannot fully or rationally explain. Maybe its the thought that I had a (small) hand in coaxing the Nature that God created, perhaps it's the feeling of knowing I can grow something that is useful, perhaps it is a harkening back to the First Garden before the Fall. I cannot explain it, but only enjoy it - as is true of all truly good pleasures.



The corn now hangs in my garage drying, the cornstalks are in the garden (probably knocked over by the wind - again!) drying as well, another autumn season well begun.

Goal Setting

I am struggling within myself as to the place of goals in the Christian's life.

The problem: To what extent do the goals I determine represent God's will?

No, I'm not talking about those things which are proscribed by Scripture (those are generally obvious), but those things which seem to be left to the decision of the individual based on their relationship with Christ.

For example: What career field should I transfer to? Should I practice this, or that? This is allowed by Scripture, but is it a worthy goal?

At the moment, this is my grid:

1) Is it glorifying to God?
2) Is it Scriptural? (Does it represent something which is definite sin, or is it allowable?)
3) Will increase or decrease my pursuit of holiness?
4) Will it cause another to stumble?
5) Is it making the most of my time?

Urban Survival

I hate Big Cities. I don’t like the numbers of people, I don’t like the traffic, I don’t like the built-uppedness of it all (yes, when words don’t work, make them up), and I don’t like the expense. It’s not my normal habitat, so I immediately feel on guard.

So, naturally, I got sent to a Big City for work.

Lessons I have learned:

1) Don’t plan to use credit cards in taxis. They grumble, won’t do it willingly, and may try to take advantage of you (processing fee, don’t you know).
2) Don’t eat in the hotel. Get there early enough to walk or drive around a bit, to see what else is available.
3) Take the pro-offered local food if recommended by locals. Today I had something I never had before, and it was quite yummy.
4) Always signal the bus. They don’t stop if you don’t.
5) Use the gym and pool if they have it. It makes you feel better.
6) Always miss your wife and family and tell them so.

Struggling

I'm on the eve of a journey cross country tonight, struggling.

1) I realized, in reading my year through the bible reading this morning, that one of my cherished goals is gone - and I never knew it. I was the one deluding myself. I disqualified myself years ago, and never realized it - or never wanted to realize it. There is a role and a place for me to play, but the one I had imagined is not it.

2) I am struggling with my job. It has become terribly difficult to wake up to go in to work in the morning. The commute is bad enough, but the feeling of emptiness, of doing that which has no eternal value (perhaps little temporal value?) is wearing on me. I continually try to hold in front of me that I am doing the right thing - but is the whole sum of one's career to be suffered through, rather than enjoyed?

What does it mean? I don't know. My career field is the same no matter what company I am at - which should tell me something. But what else to do? I collect quotes about following one's dreams, of working hard - but they never discuss the realities of life. Accomplishing goals do not occur in a vacuum; one has to surrender something to get something, and one does not always know up front if the trade is worth it.

But being this way cannot be right either.

Sovereignty

I had one of those wake up calls today, the kind God gives where He says "It's not enough to meet the appearance of obedience; you must be obedient."

I am insatiably curious about my work environment in terms of finance, senior management decisions, etc. - I suppose you could tie this to my general distrust of senior management (at every company I have worked at prior to this one, senior management has treated the employees poorly through bad decisions, company failures, and feathering their own nests). I try to keep my ear to the ground, looking at things publicly available, just trying to get a feel of what is going on.

So this afternoon, I found an interesting document, printed it out, and planned to take it home when I left to read. I'm 3o minutes into my commute, go to find it, and suddenly realized that I can't find it. I call mathair (mom, our admin), who goes and looks and finds it sitting in the work room by the pretzels I had stuffed myself with before I left. The rest of the drive I am tortured with "who saw it, did they connect me with it, will I get in trouble."

And then, in another one of those moments, God spoke to me through His word:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they laboreth in vain that build it; unless the Lord keep the city, the watchment waketh but in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He giveth unto His beloved sleep." (Psalm 127 1-2)

Whom do I trust in? Myself ("Can you make hair of your head black or white?") With all my scheming and "Need to Know", am I truly trusting in God's hand, or in my own maneuvering to get my way? Am I being a good employee, or am I edging towards the line of delving into things I shouldn't?"

If I were to suffer consequences, and they are not because of any Christian witness I might have, I have failed to be a good witness and there is no benefit (1 Peter 2:20, 4:15). How does that benefit the glory of God?

Is Christ really the Lord of my Life? Do I truly trust Him in everything (Romans 8: 28-29)?

Fear and Action

I had a fabuluous coffee this weekend with HWMNBN and spoke with Bogha Frois as well. The thoughts and news, in sync with my own thoughts, are pushing me to action:
- In 2003, when Gold was at $200, I distinctly rememer having a conversation in which I felt that gold was an asset, and should start buying some. I didn't - gold is now at $665 an ounce.

- In 2004, when we purchased our house, I was tagged by the nagging sense that we shouldn't do it for financial reasons (although I really do like my house and am not sorry on that account). I balked - and now we are on the edge.

- In 2005, rather than stick to my guns and get out of a business when I thought it wasn't working, I stayed in due to pride. The result: financial chaos costing around $100,000.

The point is, I see what to do, and fail to trust in my judgement.

And here we are again. I fear that the business for which I work, in the next 9-12 months, is in for some serious changes (by one estimate, my industry has indicated they will lay off 43,000 over two years). Part of me screams to prepare as much as I can, part of me says "Don't be silly."

Based on my past ignoring of choices, can I afford to do it again?

Feeling Fey

Reading the news of Countrywide's annoucement today (HT CNNFN.com) combined with Amgen's annoucement of layoffs (HT CNNFN.com), I kind of get that goose walking over my grave feeling (fey, the old Gaels would call it). Countrywide is one of the largest mortgage companies, and certainly Amgen is a giant in the industry I am in. When problems start appearing here, it becomes a little worrisome.

When does a system, a civlization, a way of life, realize that it is on the way out. Was Rome in 409 cognizant of the fact? Constantinople in 1452? Europe in March 1914? Antebellum South in March 1861? The day before it happens, do they truly believe it will happen?

In John Christopher's book No Blade of Grass (A fabulous end of civilization novel from a British point a view) the two protagonists, having information few else have, that the end is imminent, are having a conversation in a pub:

" John let his gaze travel again beyond the open door of the inn. On the green on the other side of the road, a group of village boys were playing cricket. Their voices seemed to carry to the listener on shafts of sunlight.
'We're probably both being a bit alarmist' he said. 'It's a long cry from the news that Phase 5 is ou t and about to a prospect of a potatoe diet or famine and cannibalism. From the time the scientist really got to work on it, it only took three months to develop 717.'
'Yes,' Roger said, 'that's something that worries me too. Every government in the world is going to be comforting itself tonight with the same reassuring thoughts. The scientists have never failed us yet. We shall never really believe they will until they do.'
'When a thing has never failed before, it's not a bad presumption that it won't fail now.'
'No,' Roger said, 'I suppose not' He lifted his nearly empty glass. 'Look thy last on all things lovely every hour. A world without beer? Unimaginable. Drink up and let's have another.'"

Would those on the other side of civlization changing events be able to truly say that they knew the day it happened? Will we?

Marketing Skunks

Have you ever reached the point of great frustration, where you so badly want something to move forward, impatient that it will not?

I am slowly becoming like He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN) at work. Many people remember him - he'd been there five + years, through some terrible times, had held things together on a string and a prayer for a place that had not really recognized him.

Near the end, it became apparent that HWMNBN had been there a bit too long - one of those things that can happen, and one wishes not to happen. He'd become cynical about the ability to move forward, known for his (correct) frustration at knowing how things were to be done, but being ignored, in some cases becoming confrontational to the point that it politically hurt him. He left, eventually, moving on to a place more in tune with him.

And now, it's me and it can't happen soon enough.

But the thing that kills is impatience, that need for immediate gratification that overcomes the need for patient, consistent effort. If I think too much, more and more I am reaching towards becoming frustrated because things don't seem to be changing - at least not quickly enough, and at least not in my favor.

Like marketing skunks: trying to sell something that looks and smells unappealing as some it is not.

Time Management

I am a miserable time manager. I have more often than not been a poor manager of time - oh, for short periods of time I can motivate myself, but for long periods, I'm miserable.

And yet, time keeps slipping away.

Time to make a new commitment - to be a time miser. An interesting quote from Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IDEA: "Time is your most important asset. Split your life into 10 minute units, and sacriifce as few as possible to meaningless activity."

Or Musashai, the Kensai of Japan, who said in Go Rin No Sho (A Book of Five Rings) "Do nothing that is useless."

This, of course, presumes goals, a second thing I have trouble setting, although I have been working harder on them.

My commitment to the blog: This week, to the greatest extent possible, I will divide my day in 10 minute increments. Let's see what happens.

Loving the Unlovable

I was confronted with a question today from Bogha-frois: how do you interact with someone who is essentially hostile to you and refuses to do what you ask them to?

I pondered a while, then suggested that when confronted by the individuals in question, you simply respond "I love you".

That's the great thing about giving advice - you so seldom have to take your own.

Is that how I respond? With love? In most instances, no. To my neighbor - literally my next door neighbor, as we move by and around each other in a sort of an agreed bubble of individualism? To the relatives whom I love, but don't really like sometimes - even when they try to engage me? To those at my work, when they challenge me or make my work difficult, let alone when they try to be "helpful"?

"But I say to you love love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you, that you may sons of your Father in heavean; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethern only, what more do you do than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." - Matthew 5: 43-48

Do I love like this?

The Blues

I woke up this morning and had the blues - that indefinable feeling of depression, of sadness, of something wrong that you can't define. It was overcast and foggy, to be sure, but the weather wasn't enough.

And then I realized midway through the day I was remembering.

Two years ago, I didn't have a job, and at that moment, didn't have a thought of where I was going to get a job. Yes, I had faith in God that He would supply a job, but no idea of where it would come from. When I look back now, this was about the time the realization that the business had failed really set in.

Things are much better now - there is light at the end of the tunnel finally, after another year of slowly sorting out the rubble of our financial and physical lives - and there is much to be thankful for.

But it's a good reminder none the less, to remember where I was, and where the grace and provision of God met me.

Harvesting Grain

The second (and final) part of my harvest occurred today of the two kinds of wheat.

An interesting day to do it: the wind blew a great deal, which tended to mess up my use of the fan to blow the chaff. I actually did the threshing 2 weeks ago, so I only had to use the breeze or fan to remove the chaff from the grain (I thought).

The Kemmer Wheat (also known as Polish wheat) was problemated. The grain got caught in the in the chaff, so it wasn't a clean blow. I lost more than I had intended as I poured between two buckets, let the airflow remove the chaff - in some cases, I blocked the wind, in others, the wind actually blew counter to the fan.

The durum wheat did much better - smaller heads, or perhaps I figured out how to do it.

For final removal, this year instead of trying to piece through the grains for remaining chaff, I washed the whole lot. I did in a bottom half of a Tupperware combination (top half is a colander), using a smaller strainer to catch the overflow for any potential wheat. This method worked pretty well, as most of the chaff floated up. Finally, I put them on cooking sheets and placed them in the sun for final drying. I would guess at least 2 quarts of the Kemmer wheat, and perhaps a gallon of the Durum. Not a lot, I know, but my durum harvest is double last year.

I think I'll only plant the Durum this winter (along with rye, barley, and perhaps oats). The Kemmer wheat, while beautiful to look at, was easily knocked over by the wind and was the more difficult of the two to thresh.

I just really enjoy growing grain. I had no idea that it could be so pleasant and rewarding, and a great use of garden space in the winter.

A peaceful morning

This morning, showered, shaved, and Bible reading done, I sat for a moment with Laurel after she woke up. She drank her juice, then quietly played with a cell phone as I sat there in the silence, reading short meditations and enjoying the time together - time we seemingly so seldom have.

Life is good. God is good.

Thoughts on the Pumphouse Spring

Focus on serving God, not what man would have you do.
Fear Him, Honor Him, Obey His Word.
Demonstrate His excellencies to an unbelieving world
that fools itself as to its relevance and its satisfaction:
Hollow shells with the essential core gone out.

Lift Him up, demonstrate His goodness,
Be satisfied with Him.
Glorify Him that hath made the universe:

He spoke, and it was.

Cast aside all that is not of Him,
That He might have all of you.

Who is like the Lord our God?
Who is like Him in Majesty and Strength?

How majestic , O Lord, is Thy name in all the earth!

- Written 16 July 2007

Happy Failure Day II

Yesterday was the Second Annual Failure Day.

It was a tough week for it - a Government Agency Audit, a client audit, long traffic hours and just general busyness. No sooner had I made plans for the future then they got smashed by the reality of life.

I mentioned my complaint to Bogha-frois on one of our afternoon commute converstations. Her response - "You have to keep trying, to have some goal to work for, because it will give you the feeling of accomplishment" was true enough.

The challenge comes when your exhausted, late, don't feel like doing anything, and don't feel like it will make a difference.

But I have to take the good with the bad - if nothing else, these last two years have been slowly edging me towards taking more reponsibility, of being a leader - even if done so kicking and screaming. They have also forced me to really evaluate my priorities and my goals - not having infinite amounts of time and money will do that for you (Now I need to find the focus and will to do them).

So Happy Failure Day! Go out and contemplate all that has not worked out in your life, and then think of all that has gone right, and then be thankful.

Feeling Thankful

I had another one of those "There but for the grace of God go I" moments. Johnson and Johnson announced yesterday that they were shedding 3-4% of their workforce, including about 600 people at their ALZA headquarters in Mountain View. Another 200 would get reassigned.

I worked at ALZA. I probably know some of those people.

One of the things that is really good about my industry (biopharmaceuticals) is that I have been able to succeed far beyond what a typical political science major could do (in that way, it is similar to high tech in the mid nineties). One of the bad things is that more and more (or has it always been this way?), it seems like these things happen (Perhaps another post for another day is the nature of the biopharmaceutical business. Only now are we reaching a timeframe where we have 20-30 years of an industry. What is the average company life? What is the average product life? Is it sustainable?)

The two things it impresses on me is 1) Continue to be thankful that I have been blessed with a job to support my family; and 2) One needs to seek ways to be able to weather such storms and control one's financial and work life.

There are people affected at ALZA who are truly suprised by this, had no idea, and today are wondering how they will make it.

I've been there. It won't happen again.

Thoughts

I was convicted this week of the attention I focus on myself instead of God. Confronted through the book The Exemplary Husband, I realized that I focus my attention on my own decisions, rather than the sovereignty of God. If I believe that God is supreme and sovereign (which I do), then all that has occurred in my life - even the times when I suffered from my own sin and bad decisions - were because He allowed me to. Even in my life now, God is in control - I am to be content with the situations He puts me in, not be discontent and questioning.

Where has God put you?

Buy this album!

My friend Vie has put out his solo album. It's very good. It's so good that, in fact, you should stop reading and click here to learn about him, his music, and to buy an album.

Strike that. Click here and order 3, and give them to two friends.

It's scriptural, heart-felt, rock. Honor God, support a great musician, and enjoy lyrics you can actually listen to.

And yes, he did do all the instrumentation and the vocals - and wrote almost all the songs on their. He's that good.

Ephesian 5:15-16

I heard one of the best sermons I believe I have heard my pastor preach today about the above.
"See then that you walk circumstpectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, becuase the days are evil (NKJV)".

The key part, for me, was the confronting statement by my pastor concerning what he would do if he found out he had only one to two years to live. His comments:

- Pray more
- Turn off the TV
- Read a lot more, both Bible and great Christian authors
- Study harder
- Pray harder
- Sacrifice more for my family
- Personally disciple my girls
- Personal and passionate evangelism
- Fight for Holiness and Purity
- Do more with family
- Show love to my wife
- Prepare the church
- Do everything I could

The challenge is for me - and for you: Am I redeeming the time? Am I doing all I can for that that matters in eternity?

Good work and GOOD WORK

Yesterday I had a virtually perfect work day - on a Saturday, of all things.

What did I do? I worked inside and outside the An Taigh Thoirdhealbeach Bheucail, catching up on things I have been needing to do for weeks:

- Attempted (the jury is out) on parboiling the rice I grew last year to dehull it.

- Threshed my Teff (small grain from Africa, used in Ethiopian cusine to make injera, their version of flatbread. "It smells like molasses, while cooking, and if mixed with buttter, it tastes like cake" says The New Joy of Cooking).

- Hand shelled my blue corn for planting and grinding.

- Hand prepared my garden, including mixing in horse manure from The Ranch

- Made borsch with beets I grew in my garden (and homemade sauerkraut from my aunt -YUM!).

- Drove the truck!

- Got my smog certification on the truck (Yea, we passed!)

- Went to my local Nugget (A fine shopping experience), and bought myself a roll and an Imperial Stout for dinner.

- Went to Home Depot and got the last bit for my sprinkler set up for my garden, and a new handle for my pick.

- Went to Wal-Mart, got my oil changed, and got plants for the garden.

- Mowed and edged the lawn (not my favorite, especially edging, but got mulch for my garden)

- Prepared seeds for planting, including seeds I grew and saved from last year.

- Had a hearty and satisfying dinner of homemade borsch, dutch crunch roll, and Imperial Stout.

Now what, one might ask, is so satisfying about a day like this?

It's the sense I got at the end of the day, the sense of accomplishment. There is something - I don't know how to define it - that comes along with a good day of outdoor or manual labor that I have never achieved in my indoor work or white-color job. It is the sense of both mind and body laboring, feeling exhausted because of the labor, and having something accomplished. I went to bed with a good tired, not the collapse of exhaustion from lack of sleep.

The other aspect is the sense that, in some small way, I'm accomplishing one of my goals. To prepare the garden with horse manure from the Ranch (by default organic, I guess) and grass from home, preparing to use seeds that I grew last year, and preparing a meal out of what one has grown, gives me a small sense of providing for myself and working towards becoming more agricultural (and conservationist to boot).

C.S. Lewis in his book The World's Last Night And Other Essays in his article titled "Good Work and Good Works" notes:

"Granted the departure from the primitive condition in which every one makes things for himself, and granted, therefore, a condition in which many work for others (who will pay them), there are still two sorts of jobs. Of one sort, a man can truly say 'I am doing work which is worth doing. It would still be worth doing if nobody paid for it. But as I have no private means, and need to be fed and housed and clothed, I must be paid to do it'. The other kind of job is that in which people do work whose sole purpose is the earning of money; work which need not be done, ought not to be done, or would not be done by anyone in th whole world unless it were paid."

and

" If we have any 'choice of a career' (but has one man in a thousand any such thing?) we shall be after the sane jobs like greyhounds and stick there like limpets. We shall try, if we get the chance, to earn our living by doing well what would be worth doing even if we had not our living to earn. A considerable moritification of our avarice may be necessary. It is usually the insane jobs that lead to money; they are often also te least laborious."

Yesteday I did the work I would do if it were not paid (as it is not, at least economically).

It was a good day.

Bee Update

Well, the bees and we had a successful visit:

1) The Italians (overwintered last year, requeened this year) showed evidence of producing brood. I removed one deep to help them concentrate on the other, as they appear to be expanding slowly.

2) The Minnesota Hygenic queen was located, but they had a tragic die off: the feeder we used accidently let the bees in, and literally hundreds got trapped inside and died - at least an inch deep.

3) The New World Carniolan were did not even use all their syrup (we gave it to the Italians). They seem very strong, although I was unable to locate the queen.

I think part of my problem (in all three cases) in locating brood was the fact that we are located directly beneath a pair of large pines, which shades the hives from summer sun, but also cuts down on the light available to look for eggs and larva.

Also, in all three cases, there was evidence that honey is being gathered. All in all, a respectable start to the bee season!

Bee Update 2007

The Bees are back! The following developments have occurred:

1) The hive that I had survive the winter was failing. The queen was only laying drone eggs (books and pictures - you can't have enough of them!), so it was time to replace her. I got a new queen, put the old one in the empty hive (so at least she'd have access to food), and put a new Italian queen in. She was accepted by the new hive, but at last check, no progress was noticeable.

2) We are also the proud owner of two new types of bees: Minnesota hygenic and New World Carnolian. We got a package of bees and queens at the end of April (a supposedly easy jaunt that turned out as a 200 mile 6 hour extravaganza), and put them in the hive.

I hope to have a report after this weekend!

Back from the Wilderness

A long absence, for which I apologize. I would use the term back from the wilderness only because it is true.

Not a physical wilderness, but an emotional one. It has been a challenging 3 months - not from any real physical aspect, but more from spiritual and situational aspects, leading me to question what I have been doing heretofore and where I am going.

Another perspective - probably the one forcing me back - is the fact that I turned 40 this month. This in itself has caused a great deal of thought - mostly that of eternity, spending time wisely, legacy leaving, and activity participation (i.e. what were doing twenty years ago that you are doing now? Is that the way you want it to be in another twenty years?)

So pardon my absence. My thoughts for intially writing might have been good but flawed, but upon thinking about it, one thing I do is write well, and I should being doing that.

Greatness

I have often dreamed
of being a leader,
one of The Great Ones:
Mover of Deeds,
Commander of Destinies,
Admired and Revered by all;
The proverbial "catch".

But in Your work, O Lord,
I find that greatness is not in being great,
but in serving.
"He who would be greatest of all", You say,
"must be servant of all",
As You were, Lord,
Servant of all, served by few.

Father, crush within me all that
is not of You:
The need to be served;
The need to be recognized;
The need to be adored.
Help me love humility and obscurity
and serving, O Lord,
as You do.

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

A Random Thought Compendia:

- After approximately one month of what I would consider true goal setting and follow up, I am both rewarded by progress and somewhat set back by the fact that I am suddenly aware that for things in five years, I have to also start moving now. Maybe this is why I have failed heretofore in chess: an inability or unwillingness to plan ahead.

- Do not think that the enemies of the free world are not viewing the protests this weekend and the continued discussion concerning any Senate resolution with anything but glee. As Osama bin Laden predicted, it appears that if you kill enough Amercians, they will go home.

What happens when they start killing you at home? Where will you go then?

- My part of California continues in a relative dry spell (pushing record lack of rain). The last serious drought we had in California (late 1970's) the population was not nearly as large as it is not. How will folks react this time?

- At least one hive of bees is alive - discovered by my father last week as he accidently disturbed them changing their entrance......

NRSC Pledge

I am not overly political by nature, but I have just finished reading The Looming Tower by Lawerence Wright. If you have not read this book, you should -it clearly defines the nature of our enemy, who will correctly interpret any senate resolution as a sign of weakness, resulting in renewed resolve to kill American here.

Sign the Pledge

Happy New Year

A belated (but none the less sincere) Happy New Year. A big year for me, of sorts - this is the year that I turn 4o.

Not that the number itself is important, but rather what it implies. Statistically, my life is half over - and what have I done with it? What have I spent my time on that matters? Of these great plans that I have, what have I done to bring them to pass?

The problem is that I lack the ability to persist in what I start. I even lectured my daughters last week, when Nighean gheal was complaining that life should always be fun and entertaining, like playing Lego Star Wars II was. "Real progress", I opined, "is not as fast or fun as it is in games, but far more rewarding".

Yeah. I should take my own advice.

On my list of things to do this year, I have 45 items: some with specific dates ( a first for me), some which are to stretch over the year. I will undoubtedly have to reallocate my time to them, as work and home continue to leave me with limited time - but pruning is not necessarily bad either.

You find time to do what you want to.

Immanuel - God with Us (Isaiah 9: 6-7)

“This child, the son, this Son of God, this Son of man, that is given to us, is in a capacity to do us a great deal of kindness, for he is invested with the highest honor and power, so that we cannot but be happy if he be our friend.” – Matthew Henry

Don't Waste your life

I'm annoyed this evening - with myself. A combination of things: the refusal to view the current conflict as the threat to Western Civilization that it is; Pearl Harbor Day; and a general frustration with work and it's minutiae.

It's one of those screaming out loud moments, muttering under your breath, "Why I am doing this? Why am I wasting my life?"

There are matters of real importance and import occuring around me - and I, I argue about documents no-one will see, products that have little value.

I am frustrated, frustrated by my seeming inability to get anything done of import, of rising early, compensating for the Ravishing Mrs. T.B. to be gone in the evening by making a hobby out of doing dishes, of spending time dreading dealing with things that I know don't matter.

It makes me angry. But where do I put the anger? How do I use it constructively?

Tomorrow is not the given you think it is

Three items of seeming unconnectedness:

1) I spoke with an old friend today from a previous company. We were talking about life in general, and then she mentioned that her father, who had Parkinson's, had passed away this Monday. I expressed my condolences and she said "It wasn't unexpected." I commented that in the long term, none of our deaths are unexpected.

2) In speaking with my friend, she also mentioned she had received an e-mail from a coworker at a previous company we had both worked at. She asked me if I remembered a coworker, Dr. Sima Faris Young. I thought for a minute, and then said yes, I did remember her - short, with dark hair, as I recall. My friend then read the e-mail to me: she had passed away this weekend at age 41 from complications from liver cancer. (Her obituary is here.)

3) The political fallout from yesterday has affected me - initially with concern and disappointment, then with renewed enthusiasm. I am not one to quote my political beliefs at length here (so don't hold your breath), but I do believe that those who would seek to destroy us today received confirmation that if you kill enough Americans, you will cause them to retreat. I fear for the future, as the terrorists will not stop unless destroyed, but we will. Action is called for.

My point in these three seemingly unrelated points is that the ability to do good and act is far more limited than we believe. We can believe that we will survive until our eighties as the averages tell us, but it could be with a debilitating disease when old, or simply cut off when young, or even with a loss of the ability to affect change which we thought we would always have.

Do Good Now. Serve God Now. Act Now. Spend Your Time On Things That Edify, Not Just Entertain. Spend Time On Things Of Eternal Value Now.

Tomorrow is not the given you think it is.

The Pursuit of Excellence

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit" - Aristotle

"He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much; and he who is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much." - Luke 16:10

In comparing two working environments - one a professional arena and one a customer service arena - the question of job enjoyment and satisfaction arose. The thought occurred through discussion that if there is no reward or recognition for success and no results or consequences for failure, there eventually comes no incentive to particularly put in effort for anything.

Reaching for purpose

I am confronted with a dilemna about life, specifically my own - from whence, I'm not sure.

I am struggling to reconcile the requirements of life with the realities of the workplace.

My work, which pays the bills and provides food, shelter, clothing, education, and utilities for my family, is not going well now. Not badly, just not well - the most telling point is that in over a year, I have not learned a new skill.

The thing that bothers me is that there are events of great import going on in the world, work that can have an affect on the future. Unfortunately, my job is not one of these.

I hunger for employment with purpose, employment that will somehow affect the world we live in. I understand and grasp that my real hope is not to be realized until the return of Christ (1 Peter 1: 4-5). My conflict is that I don't think that this life should be wasted either, even as one strives to not become entangled in the things of this life. (1 Timothy 6: 6-10), that even in the raising of my family, loving my wife, and serving my God through His church, these things are those that have both temporal and eternal significance.

The problem is, my family, my children, and my church is not where I spent most of my time. It's at my job, which as noted above, hardly has significance in the great scheme of things.

"Do all to the Glory of God" Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:31; but I fail to see how pushing papers that more often than not will result in nothing accomplishes that.

We went down the career change path before, and that ended badly. Do I go there again? Do I not? How do I make my life more signficant now and in eternity?

The Visitor

Yesterday we received a visitor. I received a call from The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. on the way home, asking me "What would you put a turtle in?". "A box with some water, to start with", I answered, thinking this a rather inane question.

Foolish me.

When I got home, I found we had a visitor - a box turtle. Apparently he was in the midst of crossing our semi-rural suburban street when Nighean gheal saw him and called The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. , who ran into the street to get him. The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. noted that the turtle "took off" when it realized she was coming for him.

So, for now anyway, we have a new visitor to our house until we figure out what to do with him.

Nighean gheal is also excited because apparently a truck (with large tires) came very soon after the rescue occurred. She was quite excited, telling me she saved turtle.

I'm glad for two reasons: One, my daughter had the presence of mind to see a problem, recognize the solution, and know what to do; Two, that she appreciates the value of life.

And Three, that she got to be an animal rescuer like she wants to.

Love

I completed reading The God Who is There by Francis Schaeffer this weekend. In reading it, I realized that we have a great deal to do with love

Love, as understood by the Christian, is to be αγαπε - the willing of good for another, even without the expectation of return - as God loved us. The thing that challenges me is that it seems, at least in my limited way, to make love into a duty - something I should do.

I also understand love is seen in action (See 1 John), that things that truly express love are not the material: time spent, consideration, showing concerning, listening.

The question is within me - I don't feel like I am loving, nor can I apprehend the true reason why I do love, or sometimes what that even means.

CS Lewis in Mere Chrisitanity says that if we do not have a quality, we should act as if we do, and eventually, through God's grace, it will become real.

The problem seems to be that I do it because I feel I have to, or am commanded to, rather than from any "feeling" of true "Love" inside of me? Hormonal? Only seeking what I can get in return?

Then I get more puzzled: do other people feel this? Am I defective in my understanding of love? Too self centered?

I think this translates into some of my difficulty with God's love. I think He loves like I do, out of some duty He feels to His creation rather thatn freely and completely, loving us while we were still strangers and enemies to Him.

How do I revist and renew my understanding of love as something flowly freely from within, flowing out of the overflow of a thankful heart to God, driven from the well of Christ?

Unified Field Theory

It has occurred to me over the last few days that my life lacks coherence, a unified whole. 

All the different things I do, all the different things I would like to do, are just pieces and parts - they do not build towards something, nor are the controlled by something. It feels as if I have a fragmented life. 

 How do I honor Christ in this? 

If the point of my life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, and He is to control all that I do in my life, and my life is to honor Him in all that I do, how do I apply that to daily living? 

 What I need is a unified field theory of living - as described in Wikipedia, it is "An attempt to unify all the fundamental forces and the interactions between elementary particles into a single theoretcical framework; a theory which would explain the nature and behaviour of all matter." 

Francis Schaeffer, in The God Who Is There, seems to approach this by suggesting the relationship between philosophy, literature, art, music, theology, and how they interlock as a general indicator of the culture at large - something he seems to do as well in A Christian Manifesto. I need the same thing - that all of my activities, or things I would like to do or feel called to do or have to do (I made a list and came up with 45 separate items) are directed towards the goal of serving and honoring God, instead of being stand alone one-offs - I do something, and it is finished. It relates to nothing else. 

 The key, as I ruminate on this, is what my purpose or mission statement is. 

By knowing the statement and purpose, one can plug in the various ideas as it relates each part of the purpose. If I take honoring God, serving God, and enjoying God as my purpose, and my primary subgroups are my family and my church family, and most of the activities in my life have either fallen into the learning or creating categories, how do I evaluate each activity versus the goal? 

This is my struggle.

Being One's self

When did I stop feeling able to be truly myself?

The thought occurred to me driving home today, mostly in opposition to what is usually the case during most of my day.

Throughout growing up, high school, undergraduate and graduate work, and into adult life, I always had several individuals with whom I felt I could be myself without retribution or concern - individuals to whom I could say, and from whom I could hear, virtually anything - and not be concerned about appearing any less in their eyes.

The breakdown occurs, I think, when we are put in the position that something we have told someone essentially in confidence, or something deeply personal, is used against us. Myself, I tend to tighten up a little bit. Then, as we acquire relationships and positions, it becomes even less comfortable, as to open up, or "be ourselves", as the consequences become too deeply concerning or potentially upsetting. To truly be open, or speak one's mind and then get rejected or ignored simply becomes too painful to risk.

It further occurs to me (at least personally) that this can be one of the most deadly things to infest any church body, the feeling that one has to "be" something, or at least appear to be something (the origin of the Pharisees, perhaps?). If any one of us were truly honest about our week or our life in our churches (oddly enough, the one place where we should feel free to be ourselves is tightly wedged into a one or two hour period a week, ignoring the other 164 hours), would we want to come back the following week? Would we feel comfortable coming back?

I write this, I suppose, due to the fact that one received that shock (a welcome one, in this case), that an acquaintance has slipped into a friendship (Bogha-frois, ta shiu air an Lion gu bráth). The change in this from many of the ordinary interactions is as shocking to the system as an ice water batch, acting as a foil to what we usually do every day of every week.

If people are like this, can I dare to believe and experience the exponential manifold reality of God receiving sinners like this? Do I truly believe it? Do I let it impact my life?

When did I stop feeling able to be truly myself?

Happy Failure Day

Today is the one year anniversary of the failure of the Firm. I've decided to memorialize it in my life as "Failure Day" - that day which I commemorate the dead.

Very bittersweet - Even last night, the Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were discuss what if: what if the last deal had closed? Would things have been different? (In my mind no, as the failure occurred long after the die was cast).

I suppose the greatest disappointment - other than the financial impact - is the feeling that one is trapped, that a career in a field that is not of personal interest is okay because of your responsibilities and the security, that such things as "enjoying your job" are beyond one until retirement, if and when that occurs....

Have we been provided for? Yes, sometimes in miraculous ways - even today, the Ravising Mrs. TB called to tell me that an anonymous donor had paid her fee for the women's retreat. We continue to eat, have power, wear clothes, and have cars that work. Have we had to tighten our belts? Moderately - but only in ways that are truly non-impacting - again, we still eat, have power, wear clothes, etc.

Perhaps the point of Failure Day is to remind us of how blessed we are?

Dog Days of Gardening

We've entered that period of the garden which seems to occur during every time I garden. It's that odd time after the excitement of the inital harvest, where the late summer vegetables are coming in, or not coming in well (my cucumbers) or too well (my zucchini). My tomatos have been a disappointment to date - but my soybeans have done marvelously. My chick peas have been attacked by some kind of caterpillar, which eats into the bean pods - and what didn't get hit by the caterpillars seems to have molded.

It's interesting because it helps to focus one on what is important and transient. In the late spring, my garden became my focus. I constantly paid attention to what was growing, how it was going - the visions of the overflow of produce, and what one would do with it, and maybe starting a truck farm. Now in the middle of it, with nature taking its course (as nature did before - only initial blooming is far more interesting!), my interest is much cooled. Life has continued on, and those important things of character, which would have mattered all along, are still here - as are my devoured, mold infested chick peas. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Finishing Journals

I completed another journal this morning.

There is always something comforting about filling in the last page of a journal - a completion of an empty book (this for the perfectionist in me). I seem to start counting down about halfway through any given journal, for a reason that is beyond me - perhaps anxious to fill it in?

I have journal entries going back to 1991, and writings beyond that (not specifically journal entries) going back to 1989. I fear they can be rather spotty - the great thing about journals, rather than diaries, is that journals can be left aside for days and re-entered without the dreaded feeling of "missing a day". True, this means you miss entries and recording thoughts on a daily basis, but at least you write.

I am undecided what to do with them. I honestly hate reading things that I have written for a reason unknown to me, perhaps internal criticism. Do I eventually transpose them into electronic form? Do I continue to gather them - in 15 years, including travel journals, I don't even have one shelf's worth - another 40 years should give me 2.5 shelves?

How does one effectively use the recordings and musings of one's past?

The Firm Reconsidered

We are approaching the one year anniversary of my leaving The Firm. It has given me some pause for thought this morning, sort of a distillation of the process of the last 2 years.

The biggest distillation is I can safely say that making that decision was a poor one for myself and my family. If I look at the results currently in my life, in terms of other poor decisions we made, in terms of finances, in terms of the personal fallout, I can safely say that it was a decision not fully made with blessing of God.

Why? The decision to go was largely based on greed, covetousness, and fear on my own part - greed for wanting more, and covetousness for seeing what "the sucessful" had and desiring it, and fear that my business partner would succeed and I would be left behind.

Invoking the "Life is 20/20 looking back" theory, the thing I deplored earlier in this blog - my decision making ability - is the biggest. I shot from the hip in choosing a life direction because I wanted to shoot from the hip. I got enchanted, even drunk, with the power to resolve problems instantly, be they a malfunctioning car, desiring a new house, or time and money, that moved me down the easy wide road - not remembering the general principal that things simply do not come easily like that, that the price must be paid either up front or at the end, with interest.

Up to now, in my arrogance and pride, I have been trying to put the spin of the world on it: "You have to fail before you succeed", "I'm not sorry I did it", "I can't tell what the future would have held if I remained where I was", "I lost money but learned a great deal", etc.

But was it God's will?

Looking back, at a failed business, failed friendship, and financial stress, I think I can admit that I simply made a selfish, bad decision. All those things my father warned me about (and being a kindly and wise man, did not lecture me on after the collapse) came to pass.

If God's will is found only by seeking, patience, and waiting, then I failed. An expensive and painful lesson to learn the hard way.

Supering the bees

Saturday past (July 1) we supered both hives. We are trying something different this year - on one hive, we are using two traditional shallow supers; on the other hive, we are using a regular deep. It will be interesting to see if there is any difference in the yield.

In putting the supers on, I first took the opportunity to look into the hives. There is lots of activity - but fortunately our smoker is working better (Using the commercially available cotton and a slow burning firestick really makes a differenced; the only difficulty is that if you don't use it for longer periods of time, it tends to burn down). In looking at the frames, I was amazed - as I was last year - about the activity of the bees. It is amazing that from the initiation of the hive, they have to completely build up the comb from basic sheets, then fill it with honey, then cap it.

I did not see the queens this time, although I pulled almost every frame out of one hive. Their evidences were there though - eggs and grubs in several combs. I got the unusual sight of seeng a baby bee eating its way out of the comb which it had been capped in.

Now, we wait. In a couple of weeks, I'll go back and look and see what the progress is.

Threshing Oats

I threshed my oats today, something I had been putting off. Oats are different than wheat - the heads are such that it seems that the simple threshing method I used for wheat (an aluminum bat on plastic) wouldn't work - and in some cases, didn't. It was much more of a threshing by hand, certainly not efficient for large scale work.

But the de-chaffing was much easier. Oat chaff far more easily floats away, born by even a gentle breeze. The heavier remainder than remains was much more easily sieved and rethreshed than wheat. In the end, I ended up with probably two cups - although in rinsing the oats off inside, I managed to dump them on Nighean Dhonn's head. It was quite a comedy of errors.

I put aside at least as much as I received last year from Bountiful Gardens (whom I simply cannot recommend enough - they have a great variety of product, they are prompt, and quite reasonable), and put the rest in the refrigerator. Now on to flour.

I also planted millet yesterday - another one of those I'm not sure why, but let's try it anyway.

Tomorrow, we super the bees. I'll give an update.

Harvesting Garlic

I harvested the last of my garlic this evening. I'm never quite sure when to harvest garlic - depending on whom you read, you should pull it out 1) Before it flowers; 2) After it flowers, 3) When it falls over; 4) When 50% of leaves have; i.e. Use your best judgement.

Pulling the last group tonight, I figured out the best way to do it. For the previous two times, I struggled to remove the garlic. First I tried to pull it out (But the stalks wouldn't take it, so the broke). Next I tried to dig it out by digging around it, and then pulling it out. This took quite a bit of effort - For a relatively small bulb, garlic bulbs rootlets are tenacious and thick.

Tonight, it went well. I dug in on one side, leveraged the bulbs, and out they came. I also let them stay a couple more days in the ground, letting the bulbs possibly dry down a bit. It was smooth, and I got done in twenty minutes what it took me forty minutes to do before.

Life's like that sometimes - once you work with the thing in question, rather than brute force, things go quite nicely.

And, you get garlic bulbs for eating as a bonus...

Wheat Harvest Part II

The wheat harvest is done. The second time around, I got smarter - I packed the entire second container into the bucket, beat out the grain, then poured in out, getting rid of the gross chaff and pulling out the partially threshed heads, then starting over with those, then putting the mass in.

Then came the removal of the chaff. You need wind to do it effectively, and there seems to be a right distance to pour the wheat so that the distance allows the chaff to blow away. I got out the fan, and experimented with distance. I finally managed to get it down, about twice as much as before in about the same amount of time - 2 hours. My sum total was about 4-6 cups of wheat. I 'll keep one or two cups for next year's planting, and grind the rest.

Also, today was the first harvest of cucumbers and squash. My tomatos have not yet turned, but my soybeans are putting on pods and the chick peas are blossoming.

To cover my experimentiaton in agriculture, I close with a quote from Marcus Terentius Varro, a 1st Century BC writer:

"Imitate others and attempt by experiment to do some things in a different way, following not chance but some system" - Marcus Terentius Varro

Small Blessings

A riveting weekend at the T. Beucail household. On Friday, as my wife was driving back from a last day of school swim party with the kids, the van started making a noise. She called me, indicating it was coming from the transmission - then the horrible grinding noise started, and she said she called me back.

Two mechanics later, it's a new transmission. Now here's the surprising thing - in this whole thing, I see the blessings and hand of God:

1) When she came to a halt, she was at the exit to our house off the interstate. It could have happened 10 miles away.

2) I was at work, and the tow truck only had room for two adults. She was able to call a friend, who was able to come over and get her and the kids - because fortuitiously, her husband was home, so she could leave the kids.

3) We wanted to have it towed to our mechanic, but she didn't think she had her wallet. As she was getting out of the van, her wallet dropped out of the van.

4) I was able to leave work immediately and come home, allowing her to be able to go do her home show.

5) Our mechanic called with honesty - it was beyond his shop -but didn't charge us for it.

6) We have a third vehicle - a 1987 Ford Ranger. It's not pretty and gets poor gas mileage, but it did allow her to have a vehicle which will fit her and the kids and get them around town.

7) On Monday, I was able to come into work late and take care of the care.

8) The mechanic called with an estimate at least $1,000 beneath what it could have been.

9) I have to rearrange, but we have the money to pay for it.

10) Our other car, the Fabulous Ford Escort (1991) can also fit all of us.

Again, no one wants to pay $2100 for a new transmission - but if I look at the thankfuls, how can I be anything but thankful to God?

A Simple Question

When was the last time that I changed? Not just a change of circumstances , like a job or living somewhere else, or outer things, but truly changed inside - like a habit, a believe, or as something which makes me better and advances me towards my goals?

When was the last time I truly made a decision?

When did I last love differently?

When did I last truly take something up - or let something go?

When did I last improve my work?

Threshing Wheat

So today, as part of the general goodness that is Father's Day, the vivacious Mrs. TB allowed me to thresh my wheat as part of my "time".

I wil never look at bread the same way.

Intially, I got a towel, put it on the back lawn, put some wheat heads down, and started whacking with a child's aluminum bat. The bat worked fine, but the towel was obviously too small, scattering wheat chaff and berries everywhere. Then I moved to a sheet, which worked better but the grass is too yielding, so you don't crack all the chaff releasing the wheat - which I had to do by hand.

Then one has to remove the chaff. Ideally, this happens by moving the wheat berries and chaff into the air, where the breeze while blow the chaff away while leaving the wheat. Again, this works if a) You have a fairly short drop (i.e. one can't hurl it into the air) and b) you have a breeze. I moved from sheet to paint tray to small Tupperware to try to get the right thing, which is moving the chaff away from the wheat - and even then, you lose some berries and keep the chaff.

In the evening, after dinner, I got a little more advanced: using a cat litter pail (I had to try it twice - the first time I had a raised bottom, which tended to drop the heads into the trough around it), I used the bat - which did get most of the berries off the heads and released much quicker. I had a bit of a breeze, so by shaking (similar to gold panning), dumping the wheat from bucket to paint tray and back again (multiple times), and simple blowing, I got most of it removed - but again, not all.

Two hours for maybe 1.5 cups of wheat - and I've got half again as much to do.

It certainly makes me appreciate what it really takes to make bread - let alone a civlization. How long and how much would anyone have to thresh to provide enough for a day? a week? a year? And that's not including other ingredients.

The other thing I learned is the patience of the thresher. You need to do it muliple times. You need to be careful, lest you loose the fruit of your labors in your haste to be done - several times, I picked individual wheat berries off the cement or ground, because I don't want to lose them now, after 8 months of work! And even then, one must sift and clean again, to remove the final chaff. It brings to mind Luke 22:31-32, where Jesus says "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he mike sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and when you have turned again, strengthen the brethren". I always thought of sifting as a gentle shaking, or running your fingers through. What I did tonight was violent, lengthy - and not yet done.

The other other thing I learned is that chaff is worthless. It sticks in your hands, it goes in your nose, it flies everywhere, and it has no function. When David refers to sinners as "but are as chaff which the wind drives away" in Psalm 1:4, I now have a mental picture. Chaff cannot resist the wind: it has not weight, it has little substance, it is dry and brown and flies at a gentle puff of breath. And to the chaff of Matthew 3:12 where John the Baptist compares the wicked, I can now see how flammable it is, and how easily it would burn - let alone with unquenchable fire.

Do I fill my days with wheat? Or chaff?

Evening Ride

I took a ride on my bike tonight, about 9:30 PM. I've had the concern, especially as I near the magic 40th year, of my health - my job does not lend itself to activity, I tend to overeat, and I have the usual run of bad stuff in my family: diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems.

My problem has been when to do it. If I do it in the morning, I feel better going to work - but I have to wake up at 0430, which is darn hard - so hard, in fact, I as often feel drained throughout the day. Evening is better - but cuts into my time after nighean gheal, nighean bhan and nighean dhonn have gone to bed to do "my stuff". And to do it in the morning is to run, which I seem to hate (bad for the knees too), while evening is biking, which at least moves me faster - and is easier on the knees.

But evenings work better- if for no other reason than I hate getting up early....

At any rate, I am fortunate enough to live somewhere where I have a multiplicity of street lights and new sidewalks, so I neither get hit nor go over sidewalk edges.

I'm glad I went. It's cool enough in the evenings to exercise. The traffic makes a dull background roar. The sky is slowly filling with stars, the sky to west slowly dimming into that brief color of palest blue green you only see at night after sunset and before sunrise.

The other thing I noticed is smells. I don't know what seems to make the dark make smells more intense for me - but they do. You fly by, your gears clicking by the houses, and scents drift in and flow by you: honey suckle, the wet smell of recent watering, flowers, perhaps a late night barbecue, cigarette smoke, car exhaust - the panorama of modern suburban life, as seen by smell.

One of my pet fears is that I should lose my sense of smell as I grow older. Hearing and sight you can affect or preserve, but for smell, there is no way I know of to protect it - like sunglasses or ear plugs. It either stays or goes, I suppose.

The power of smell is like the power of music - to hear a particular smell is take you back to a person, a place, a moment in time. For me, like music - to hear songs of a certain period - say 1979 - 1987 or even later for certain music - is to take a time machine somewhere where it seems life was simpler, maybe more enjoyable (or was I less aware and more self centered?), where the blank canvas of life stared one in the face, even as one did not realize it was there.

I'll ride again, more as I am able. The pale green sky is the most exquisitely beautiful color I know, and it's a free show, every night.

Besides, maybe one night I'll pass a radio playing and see a younger me riding on the other side of the road....

Wheat

I pulled my wheat down this Saturday. I have never paid attention to wheat being grown - indeed, I'm not sure I would have know what it looked like. I had to look on the internet to figure out what it looked like, and what you're supposed to do with it when you're done.

The thing that amazed me most - other than fact that it is incredibly productive - is how it increased my understanding of the parables of Jesus. When Christ talked about the tares and wheat in Matthew 13: 24-30, it was entirely new to me - in winter, the wheat truly looks like weeds - and if you didn't know better (I probably did not), you might pull up the one without the other (as an interesting sidenote, wheat is allelopathic, which means after a certain stage, it produces toxic substances which suppress other plants. Spiritual food for thought...). When Christ talked about the fields being white for harvest (John 4: 35), I can see it - the wheat, when ready, is almost white. When it speaks about the disciples rubbing heads of grain together in their hands, (Luke 6: 1), I can understand what they did, how little effort it truly was, and how it confirmed the Pharisees misuse of the Sabbath Laws. When Christ speaks of a grain of wheat needing to die in order to bear much fruit (John 12:24), I can see it in the plants where each head bears 10 plus seeds, at three to four heads or more a stalk. And when in Psalm 1: 4 it speaks of the wicked being blown away like chaff, and John the Baptist speaking of Christ pulling out the wheat into the granary and burning the chaff with unquenchable fire, I can see how insubstantial and useless the chaff is - and how easy it is to blow and burn when the wheat is removed.

My wheat is cut and curing now (A small plot - no scything for me this year, but maybe next - I really want one of these). My mill came this week. When cut, my straw will be returned to the field. The foray into self sufficiency - and indirectly, closer to God - has begun.

Gardening

Okay - there's some needed whacking here about length of time between posts. I'd like to say it's because I'm thoughtful - but really it's because I'm lazy....

My vegetable garden is mostly in now - corn, tomatoes, cucumbers, zuchinni, radishes, peas, beans, lettuce, onions, and spinach. I put in rice and buckwheat this year as well, to complement my wheat and oats (I am experiencing a strange fascination with cereal crops, of which I tried a stand [buckwheat] at the Ranch to see if it would grow). I have yet to get chickpeas, potatoes, and soybeans in the ground.

It's better than last year, but not great. My spacing still leaves much to be desired, and in some cases, I'm not even sure when the vegetable is ready - broccoli, I've discovered, is the flowering head of the broccoli plant. Wait too long, and the plant flowers...Oh well - I've decided to let it grow to the end, just to see what it does. I need not to make the same mistake with the brussel sprouts.

I've decided I really quite enjoy gardening. It is restful, a relief from having to think about the weighter matters of life, and gives one both physical labor and physical reward. There's also a happy sideline, that of imagining what will come out, or planning ahead (In my mind, I've already increased my wheat and oats by regulating their rows more closely...).

And, it's another reason to marvel at God's creation - to look at the size of some of these seeds, like broccoli or brussel spourts, and to see the resulting plant, is to marvel at His creative genius. I am sprouting out some tomatoe seeds right now. To see the first two leaves, and to know the resulting plant that will come, is simply awe inspiring and amazing.

The new bees should arrive next week. Stay tuned....

Career Failure Redux?

I am working through the issue of employment after failure. As I have noted before (and for the record), I was involved in the Biopharmaceutical Industry for 8 years. At that time, I jumped off a cliff and went into Commercial Real Estate Consulting. While the company was successful in the sense that it made money, it was unsuccessful in the sense that it didn't make enough money -after 16 months, and an additional 2 of job hunting, I re-entered the job force in the Biopharmaceutical Industry. In a sign of both God's provision and God's sense of irony, my pay was exactly what it was when I left.

Am I sorry I did it? Did I put enough thought into it? Initially my reaction was that of course I'm not sorry, that it provided me a number of growth opportunties. On the other side, I find that I am approximately $60,000 out of pocket directly (not counting the lost money in 401k, cashed in annuities, and lost stock options), having to take this year to slowly rebuild our financial structure. The friendship that started the business relationship is far more distant than it was. I lost another 2 years of experience in a career field which, although not glamourous, definitely is generous in pay, benefits, and career advancement.

My big concern, and biggest take away, is that I did not think through the issue enough (and certainly did not seek God enough). The decision was presented as a bit of "take it now or it goes away forever". I, being somewhat greedy and not wanting to be left behind, made essentially a split-day (as opposed to a split-second) decision and went ahead. It was quite an emotional high. I can assure you that not getting paid for 9 months out of 16 is not.

If I had it to do over again, I would more serverly question my own motives, think through all the consequences, and then move ahead.

God was gracious - we are not, it appears, irreparably harmed. If we had waited due to my pride or some kind of fantasy, it would have been much more difficult.

Happy New Year

Bliadhna Mhath Ur Dhuibh! A Happy New Year to all - a very odd New Year for our household: no New Year's Eve party (third child at six months old will do that to you), no Bowl Game day, no snacks, no Rose Parade (that would be tomorrow).

We sit ensconced, almost fortress-like, in the inclement weather. We are in Northern California, and while we have not been directly damaged by the weather, it is all around us: in neighboring Vacaville, flooding over at least one major road with flooding in apartments; overflows onto I-80 between Vacaville and Fairfied. This does not count the greater flooding in the Napa/Sonoma region, or the flooding around Sacramento.

Yesterday, we took a drive along the Yolo Causeway and the Sacramento Levee. The causeway was amazing: the thing looks like a lake, probably up about two feet from our previous drive up of the day before (they opened the weirs at 0830 rather than 1400, as they intended to do). The levee was interesting as well: houses, some of them undoubtedly multi-million dollar homes, backed up against the river - or rather the river was backed up against them! No whole homes had flooded, but there was water in garages and darn near them. One of them had a "For Sale" sign out in front - not a fine piece of advertising! The rains and winds hit again today, especially the winds - I don't remember such winds in my five years in this area.

The thing it made me realize (again) is our relative impotence against nature. We can only prepare for it and perhaps channel it; we cannot modify it or change it in any meaningful way. Nothing could have prevented this storm. The measures against flooding on the rivers is temporary at best (things eventually crumble or silt up) - yet people go back to live year after year.

The other reminder I got was about preparing. Our power went out for about 2 hours during lunch. No microwave to heat lunch. No electric ignition for gas (thank goodness you can light things by match!). If it had been at night, no light or heat; no opening the refrigerator or freezer (to preserve cold); perhaps no phone (ours worked); no communication (TV, radio, etc.) except by what was battery powered or in the cars.

The powerless of ourselves against the creation should stimulate us to think of our true powerlessness against the Creator - except on His terms.

Echos of the past

We attended the memorial for my great aunt this afternoon, A. Born 12/10/1919, died 12/19/2005. A sad and somewhat melancholy day: sleeting rain and wind all day, as if the weather itself mourned her passing.

She was a kind and gentle woman; as one of her granddaughters said: "She believed that everything and everyone had a purpose and place". Housewife, mother, service nurse (USN, WWII). She rafted in her mid seventies, rode an elephant for the first time at 82, became a clown late in life, survived 6 months later than the doctors gave her.

She was a link to an increasingly disappearing past: Born a gold miner's daughter, one of six children (her next oldest sister, Edna, was my grandmother), raised until age 11 on a ranch 2 miles from the nearest town (in this case a slowly dying gold mining town) at 3500 ft., growing up without so many of the conveniences I take for granted (Her younger sister Claire said that they didn't have many toys to play with, but they had hillside!). She and her surviving sisters, are a link to a increasing dim echo of the California past; indeed, my past.

I have been up to the location of the Ranch, where they grew up. I have stood where there front porch was, walked down in the meadow where the barn was and my grandmother's donkey, seen the glory of the Canyon in the sunset played out before me, had the fleeting thought (as did my forefathers who mined before) that there was gold to be had there.

Anna E, one of the keepers of that flame, was buried in body today. Her soul rejoices even now in the throne room of heaven, where Christ himself serves her for all her faithful labor. The world is lesser for her going.

But we, the survivors, have a job to do as well.

I think perhaps this year I will go up, maybe hunt for the gold, take my daughters with me, and see if we can all hear the echo and make it go a little longer.