Struggling

I'm on the eve of a journey cross country tonight, struggling.

1) I realized, in reading my year through the bible reading this morning, that one of my cherished goals is gone - and I never knew it. I was the one deluding myself. I disqualified myself years ago, and never realized it - or never wanted to realize it. There is a role and a place for me to play, but the one I had imagined is not it.

2) I am struggling with my job. It has become terribly difficult to wake up to go in to work in the morning. The commute is bad enough, but the feeling of emptiness, of doing that which has no eternal value (perhaps little temporal value?) is wearing on me. I continually try to hold in front of me that I am doing the right thing - but is the whole sum of one's career to be suffered through, rather than enjoyed?

What does it mean? I don't know. My career field is the same no matter what company I am at - which should tell me something. But what else to do? I collect quotes about following one's dreams, of working hard - but they never discuss the realities of life. Accomplishing goals do not occur in a vacuum; one has to surrender something to get something, and one does not always know up front if the trade is worth it.

But being this way cannot be right either.