Making Decisions

I had a consulting appointment for a personal coach which turned out not as all like I had planned.

I had my phone conference with a project manager, after my initial screening. It went as I had expected: challenging, focus, look to the future. We then got down to brass tacks: the promises to me, expectations of me, and, of course, the finances - about $3300 for a 5 month session. We then got to closing the deal: the credit card number ("We recommend people use a line of credit so they can pay it off a little at a time"). I was honest with the project manager - I wanted to ask my parents for the money as a loan. We agreed to talk on Monday.

I was unsettled when I left for work. I called Bogha frois to talk about it. Her thought was that price someone else, see what the reates were - in essence, do more research.

It hit me during the day that I had been heavily sold that morning. Looking back, I could track it: what were my wants, look to the future (to what could be done), the challenge, the buy-in from me, the extension of the offer (like getting into an exclusive clb), the promises to me, the commitment ("What would it take to move you from a 7 to a 10 of commitment?"), and then the request for the sale. Only by the grace of God did I not go further, just because it cost a little too much to finance.

And then, I felt used. Icky, I described it. Like an incident long ago, where I was used by someone else. I felt dirty and unclean.

Why? Because I fell for it. I can see it now, but I still allowed myself to be sold.

Which lead into an interesting discussion with Bogha frois about decisions, good and bad. There are decisions I have made that were bad, but I clung to them - rode them down the rails to their bitter end - and usually regretted them. Theere other ones which did not have the same sense of "DECISION", that were not that difficult, that turned out fine.

What was the difference? I'm not sure - Bogha frois thought it was pride, that one worked one's self up to a diecision where one usually would not, and once one was decided, one was damn well going to follow through, because decisions were difficult, and one shouldn't listen to one's fears - even when they lead one nowhere. To turn aside, to adimit one wasn't ready, to go back requires humility.

I wrote in my journal that I need to ponder this more. How is the process of making decisions different between the two senses that I described? How can I engage in more of the decisions made not from pride, but from humility?