Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Catching Up Is Hard To Do

The great initial "catching up" is done:  all comments responded to (as always, thank you all for conducting yourselves with dignity and reserve - best commenters on the face of the InterWeb), some catching up done (with a lot more to do on blogs - you all have been very productive!), laundry done and packed up, The Ranch more or less put in order for my departure.

I started a list of potentially posts based on the hike.  I think I came up with something like 30 different post titles, which is a bit stunning (and is going to take me more time than I anticipated - there is a lot I am not conscious of yet that happened on the hike).



Less happy things done as well:  TB The Elder's initial obituary written and waiting to be posted along with a picture when I get the word from the Funeral Home, funeral arrangements more or less made (writing and contacting left), burial arrangements made.

It really has been a month, more or less.  And yet, things will not be the same.


Things happened within that month - not just the obvious thing like losing a parent and being faced with the reality not of only of my own mortality, but that of the future. Things like, for the first time, starting to make really decisions about what and when relocation would look like, and what it would take to truly be at The Ranch and hold the property. Things like what happens when one achieves a difficult physical goal, proving that one can do such a thing - and what that really means for everything else that somehow "seems" unachievable right now.

And the plethora of items that fill one's life consisting of the flotsam and jetsam of things that eat one's time, but do not really matter.


Something happened out there on the trail, something that I cannot yet quantify but I need to.  The world is going to come screaming back at me tomorrow, trying to fit me back into its mold of before I left.  I am working to implement the decision that this simply cannot happen - because there is not going back.  Something happened up on that peak and over those miles, something that separates me from the person that entered into the wilderness.  Somewhere down in this morass of a personality is the diamond hard initiative that literally pulled me up to the summit because I said I was going to do it.

There is indeed catching up to do and be done - but there is also an outpacing of the world that would simply view this as "a nice climb" and encourage me to get back into the chrysalis.



Except, of course, that the chrysalis is rent apart.  There can be no return.  In that sense, hopefully, I have already flown.


12 comments:

  1. I'm intrigued! An awakening? A revelation? Profound personal events seem to present themselves best when the man-made clutter is gone and it's only Self and the natural creation. I'm looking forward to your thoughts and words about your experience. And good job on treating us to more amazing photos in this post.

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    1. Leigh, I am struggling to put it into words. An awakening? Maybe. Certainly clarity on some things, which actually started before the trip itself.

      I sat down on the plane this week and made a spreadsheet - yup, 30 potential posts (including the ones that I have already written). That is more than I have had from any other single event. Something is up, even if I do not fully comprehend what it is.

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  2. I can understand the mindset of marking a change like that. I'm reminded of A Man Called Horse. There was a challenge accepted, and a gauntlet to be run through. After he did, he carried the marks of his decision. Almost like a right of passage that left permanent scars. Not encouraging a tattoo. :/

    I don't know if you took a token from the trip. But it may serve as a reminder of the trip your character took, as well as the one your body did. And when it becomes hard and steep to do what you've set out to do, you can take courage that you will complete the task, as you did on Whitney.

    I have a few "scalps" on my lodge pole. Reminders of battles fought and won. I should dig them out and display them. I have felt the need to steel myself this year more than times than I care to remember. Those are coup that remind me I have done and can do again.

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    1. STxAR, I have a picture of myself on the summit with the sign that is up there. I look worn out and a little sick - because I was a little worn out and sick - but I hold that up every time this week that I am feeling that worn down by events. I remind myself I did the highly unlikely once, and can do it again.

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  3. Nylon128:51 AM

    Losing a parent and a trek into the Wild........of course I can see something Happening. Life goes on and changes occur, now it's up to you to adapt to them. Prayers out for you and your family TB.

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    1. Thank you Nylon12. I certainly believe that the timing of all of this had nothing to do with me just "deciding" to go on a hike; it was much more deliberate on God's part than that.

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  4. I can't wait to hear more of the details.

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    1. Ed, it is a funny thing: they are literally still spilling out of my brain, almost a week after the hike officially "ended". I am trying to give myself time to process them.

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  5. What Leigh wrote I relate to very much. Some life decisions made clear when the clutter of my life were stripped away by profound events. The first being when my mother died. I am intrigued and am looking forward to reading more of what you've experienced, TB.

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    1. Becki, things certainly feel as if (in some cases) they have been stripped away, leaving me with sharp decisions that have to be made (this or that, for example).

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  6. We are, as ever, in flux. We can't go home again, because home isn't the same, and neither are we.

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    1. John, one of the great struggles I am finding is realizing that while I ultimately hope to "go home" - at least to The Ranch anyway - it will not be the same, ever. I am working to accept what that means.

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