Out Of Sorts

Is it wrong to confess to you that I feel a bit lost and out of sorts?

Coming back to "work" has been not quite the new adventure that I imagined it would be - at the moment, new tasks are slowly coming online and all of my previous tasks have been transferred over.  This is, I suppose, not really all that different than starting a new job anywhere else - that initial first period of getting up to speed - except that in this case, perhaps mistakenly, I feel I should be more up to speed than I currently am.

Not that I am regretting the choice - I got pulled into a discussion from what would be my previous life this week and 30 minutes of that discussion was enough to remind me (rather forcibly) that this change really was for the best.  Even I had wanted to stay, my heart is not longer in that line of work.

But what is it in, then?

That is what I find myself slogging through at the moment.  I feel...well, lost.

The world around me is changing and morphing in ways I can scarcely understand or take in.  My religion  has gone off into places that 20 years ago I would have never thought possible.  My job, as mentioned, has become completely different.  The future I thought I was planning for is not the future that arrived at all, which means that the future that I might plan for 20 years hence will be even more different.    It feels in some ways as if the world - my world - has rapidly collapsed in on itself in any number of ways since I came home from Japan in February of this year, be it my job, The Plague and all of its social and economic impacts, even just the world in general.

My dreams this week were all of me been in circumstances and situations but not having any ability to change or influence them.  Art reflecting life indeed.

The difficulty- the thing I am trying to fight my way out of - is that I feel like any change I might make, any additional activities I might undertake, anything I might do will impact precisely nothing in the larger picture.  That I have somehow now enter a racecourse that has no options and no directions except one - one I cannot see and one that I cannot change.

Perhaps this is all idle thought on my side and will change soon enough.  But it puzzles me - I have never felt so powerless to change my condition of feeling out of sorts.