"Disillusionment", said John MacArthur, "is the product of illusion." Find out what you are disillusioned about and you will discover what your illusions are.
This thought has been on my mind over the last week as I have contemplated and reflected. There is a certain disdain around my soul, a certain sort of quiet anger about the state of my life, which I have come to realize is due to the fact that I am disillusioned - I feel cheated of things that I somehow felt like I had been promised or led to believe were within my grasp.
As I sat down and considered it more, what I came to realize was that my illusions were in every case large things in my life: A job that was personally rewarding and deeply engaging, a position of leadership, relationships that were always full and what I desired, reaching the pinnacle of a career and then moving into a second career of my choosing in a location of my choosing. All of these things - and others - I have clung to as things that were going to happen, that were in some ways bound to happen if I worked hard enough or believed strongly enough.
But in fact, they are all illusions, false images that were created in my mind for one reason or another and came to be interpreted as things that were owed me, that had to occur - that were destined to occur. My discontent can easily become anger when I feel I am cheated out of something which I had been promised.
So I had to make a decision, last night as I rethought over these issues. I can either continue in the illusion, or completely accept that it all was an illusion and get back to perhaps what actual reality was. And reality, when I sat down and looked at it, seemed to be a great deal like various pieces of thoughts I have voiced here earlier.
Love God. Love others.Work whole heartedly at the job you have. Live your life quietly and work with your hands. Give. Love your wife and sacrifice for her - and your family. Learn to be content.
(If all of these sound a lot like the Apostle Paul, that is because he wrote all of them in the Epistles).
In other words, live quietly, humbly, and slowly fade to black.
Part of living quietly, of course, is learning to be untroubled by the world. It is accelerating the withdrawal from social media and from what media I follow. It is accepting that any one the things that I had thought would happen might happen - but if they never do that means I am no less of a person for them.
I will say that having made this decision - at least the first 24 hours - there a great sense of not striving and inner solitude. Not that any of the work of life has gone away - in fact, it seems to have increased. But having stripped myself of the illusions, I am finding that there is a greater peace. Things, situations and people cannot disappoint - because demands of them are illusions as well.
It brings to mind the concept that much of life is not how much you are able to keep, but how much you are able to surrender.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
The Chains Of Social Media
I have almost reached the tipping point of social media to where I simply walk away from 90% of my contacts.
I know, I know - many of you do not have the darn thing at all, or have advised me in the past to get rid of it. And to a large extent, I have tried to moderate the amount of time I spend on it - and succeeded. But one thing that has consistently remained with me is my unwillingness to "ignore" or "unfriend" people.
(To the uninitiated: "ignore" is where you no longer see their postings. "Unfriend" is where you no longer follow them at all.)
I like people. I do not want people to thing ill of me. And so I tend to keep them on my list. I try to overlook opinions I disagree with or posts I do not consider appropriate. But more and more I am finding myself highly aggravated by what I read people posting.
The problem - as people far more clever than I have posted - is that the InterWeb in general and social media in particular is not a place to make an argument or have a discussion. In many ways it has become the Western Front of World War I, where artillery shells are fired back and forth and occasionally people lead charges across no-man's land which ultimately result in nothing. It has become a vast, pock-marked landscape devoid of any life.
Oddly enough, some of the people that I hang on to are in fact not really any part of my life any more - have not been for years. In a sense this is the microcosm of the issue of social media: rediscovering relationships which one may have had years ago or for years only to find out that you have both moved significantly apart. In fact, you may very well be strangers in every sense of the word except for a relationship that has become nothing but a hollow shell.
And as I have come to understand, is this not in fact something which can ultimately limit us all? If we are only concerned with the opinions of those that no longer matter to us we are no longer self directed but directed by their will. We have become servants of that which is nothing but the greatest of all straw men, Public Opinion.
So what do to?
I have started at the only place I know: by beginning to systematically hide the posts of anyone whom I know longer have an active, on-going relationship with. It is not a lot, to be sure. But I will start with 10. And then another 10. And perhaps over time, I will begin to rediscover the power of being an individual instead of a servant to demands I can never achieve.
I know, I know - many of you do not have the darn thing at all, or have advised me in the past to get rid of it. And to a large extent, I have tried to moderate the amount of time I spend on it - and succeeded. But one thing that has consistently remained with me is my unwillingness to "ignore" or "unfriend" people.
(To the uninitiated: "ignore" is where you no longer see their postings. "Unfriend" is where you no longer follow them at all.)
I like people. I do not want people to thing ill of me. And so I tend to keep them on my list. I try to overlook opinions I disagree with or posts I do not consider appropriate. But more and more I am finding myself highly aggravated by what I read people posting.
The problem - as people far more clever than I have posted - is that the InterWeb in general and social media in particular is not a place to make an argument or have a discussion. In many ways it has become the Western Front of World War I, where artillery shells are fired back and forth and occasionally people lead charges across no-man's land which ultimately result in nothing. It has become a vast, pock-marked landscape devoid of any life.
Oddly enough, some of the people that I hang on to are in fact not really any part of my life any more - have not been for years. In a sense this is the microcosm of the issue of social media: rediscovering relationships which one may have had years ago or for years only to find out that you have both moved significantly apart. In fact, you may very well be strangers in every sense of the word except for a relationship that has become nothing but a hollow shell.
And as I have come to understand, is this not in fact something which can ultimately limit us all? If we are only concerned with the opinions of those that no longer matter to us we are no longer self directed but directed by their will. We have become servants of that which is nothing but the greatest of all straw men, Public Opinion.
So what do to?
I have started at the only place I know: by beginning to systematically hide the posts of anyone whom I know longer have an active, on-going relationship with. It is not a lot, to be sure. But I will start with 10. And then another 10. And perhaps over time, I will begin to rediscover the power of being an individual instead of a servant to demands I can never achieve.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Memorial Day 2018
A simple thank you to all those who made the ultimate sacrifice so I can sit here in front of my screen and type.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Thursday, May 24, 2018
On The Reading Of Other Blogs
One of my guilty pleasures in these days of hyper-activity is reading all of your blogs.
It usually happens around later in the evening, one of my last rituals just before I go to bed. I click over to see if I had any comments, and then start clicking through the updates since the last time I looked.
Some of my blogging friends no longer post, their last posts standing like mile markers along a lonely load. I get it - blogs require an investment of time and energy, especially if (like most of us) one is doing this as a labor of love rather than as a financial generator. But I am fortunate in that there others that post every day or every other day or every three days.
And so every evening I get to walk through other people's pastures and gardens and see parts of the country I will probably never get to and hear stories, little windows into the lives of others. Sometimes I am encouraged, sometimes I am saddened - but I am always pleased to read of the lives of others.
And there are others, of course - some that for one reason or another I follow for the sheer joy of following although they are not necessarily on my list. Sometimes these turn out to be the gems - surprising things I never though possibly and sometimes things that make me shake my head.
So thanks to all of you that stick with it, who keep putting your writing out there, launching words into the blogosphere without ever knowing where they will land or what good they will do. Take it from me - they are making an impact.
It usually happens around later in the evening, one of my last rituals just before I go to bed. I click over to see if I had any comments, and then start clicking through the updates since the last time I looked.
Some of my blogging friends no longer post, their last posts standing like mile markers along a lonely load. I get it - blogs require an investment of time and energy, especially if (like most of us) one is doing this as a labor of love rather than as a financial generator. But I am fortunate in that there others that post every day or every other day or every three days.
And so every evening I get to walk through other people's pastures and gardens and see parts of the country I will probably never get to and hear stories, little windows into the lives of others. Sometimes I am encouraged, sometimes I am saddened - but I am always pleased to read of the lives of others.
And there are others, of course - some that for one reason or another I follow for the sheer joy of following although they are not necessarily on my list. Sometimes these turn out to be the gems - surprising things I never though possibly and sometimes things that make me shake my head.
So thanks to all of you that stick with it, who keep putting your writing out there, launching words into the blogosphere without ever knowing where they will land or what good they will do. Take it from me - they are making an impact.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Today's Lack of Post....
...is brought to you by a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, which a local lake was cruised, a local skyline observed, half a million bats made their way skyward, and Mexican food was consumed. In keeping with this theme, I give you Bat Before The Moon by Biho Takashi (1910):
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Twenty Five Years Of Marriage
So today we celebrate 25 years of being Mr. and Mrs. TB.
I do not know that I can honestly say I had a clue what I was doing when I got married. I do not precisely think the phrase "There was no chance in the world it work" applies, but arguably the odds were reasonably against us: even at the tender age of 26 I had a fair amount of growing up left to do: I had two degrees, college debt, and no idea what in the world I was going to do with my life. I still contend that I probably had nothing particularly wonderful to offer.
We have lived through seven moves, three births, three houses, a rather varied number of careers, nine cars, and rather large collection of pets. We have lost and gained friends. We have found a number of new interests and lost a number of old ones.
Marriage, in case you do not know, is hard. It is probably by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. As I described it once to an unmarried friend, "It is not as if you can take your ball and go home. You are already home." And I have come to understand over the years how many marriages do in fact fall apart - I suspect in the current environment it is even more difficult because there is so much in the world that tries to drag us apart. In an age of selfish gratification, being willing to surrender your wants and desires for the sake of the other person really is an act of rebellion.
I do not really have any great advice for how to stay married, other than "Do not give up." Which seems a bit trite. After all, not giving up is not a particularly elegant thing (and it sure would not sell books). But it is that commitment to not giving up, to staying in the relationship for no other reason than you promised you would, that makes things work (e.g. listening to your "feelings" at those moments is not particularly helpful).
We will have a quiet evening tonight, going out for dinner - perhaps one that is a little nicer, perhaps - and reflecting on 25 years of life together. Not a wholly poor way to spend a milestone.
I do not know that I can honestly say I had a clue what I was doing when I got married. I do not precisely think the phrase "There was no chance in the world it work" applies, but arguably the odds were reasonably against us: even at the tender age of 26 I had a fair amount of growing up left to do: I had two degrees, college debt, and no idea what in the world I was going to do with my life. I still contend that I probably had nothing particularly wonderful to offer.
We have lived through seven moves, three births, three houses, a rather varied number of careers, nine cars, and rather large collection of pets. We have lost and gained friends. We have found a number of new interests and lost a number of old ones.
Marriage, in case you do not know, is hard. It is probably by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. As I described it once to an unmarried friend, "It is not as if you can take your ball and go home. You are already home." And I have come to understand over the years how many marriages do in fact fall apart - I suspect in the current environment it is even more difficult because there is so much in the world that tries to drag us apart. In an age of selfish gratification, being willing to surrender your wants and desires for the sake of the other person really is an act of rebellion.
I do not really have any great advice for how to stay married, other than "Do not give up." Which seems a bit trite. After all, not giving up is not a particularly elegant thing (and it sure would not sell books). But it is that commitment to not giving up, to staying in the relationship for no other reason than you promised you would, that makes things work (e.g. listening to your "feelings" at those moments is not particularly helpful).
We will have a quiet evening tonight, going out for dinner - perhaps one that is a little nicer, perhaps - and reflecting on 25 years of life together. Not a wholly poor way to spend a milestone.
Monday, May 21, 2018
2018 Spring Garden update
As you might remember, when we last left the garden it was fenced in but with a trio of lettuce and some garlic in place:
We had a planting event about two weeks ago - and we are growing!
Jalapeno (purchased, not from seed) has some peppers on it already!
The lettuce is putting out flowers for seed heads and the garlic is falling over:
This year's volunteer - a pumpkin, I assume:
Beans and Black Eyed Peas (and the local help):
My Painted Corn is making a promising start:
Tomato plant has some flowers already. Maybe I can get a few this year:
My two poor lime trees are trying to recover, along with some irises from Old Home that Poppy destroyed the planter on (but have come back nicely):
And finally, a mint plant I bought to go along the side of the house. For some reason things seem to grow pretty well here without too much extra watering - so I hope it does well:
So far the progress of my sectioned off garden has been so good, I am considering sectioning off other parts of the yard as well for other self contained gardens.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
On The Paring Of Activities
My days have become very focused of late.
With work eating up a great deal more time than I had anticipated, I have had to become a lot more selective and regimented about what I do and when I do it. The time I have that is not wrapped up in work or family has become precious and something which simply cannot be aimlessly wasted.
What gets packed in? Writing (of course), journaling in the morning and blogging at night. My Bible and inspirational reading, of course. Iai (practice or class) and workouts (on the days I do not have class). Icelandic, to prepare for August. Watering my garden and trying to keep tabs on the pests in it. A chapter a night and a little Japanese packed in along the side. The pup and the rabbits get some loves.
And that seems to be about it.
Oh, there is a bit more time on the weekends for some longer developed activities, like cheese or more extensive yardwork or the hint of home improvement. But frankly, right now, that seems to be about all the time there is.
I have pondered in the past what would rise as the most important activities in the event that my time became constrained. Turns out, I seem to have discovered what they are.
With work eating up a great deal more time than I had anticipated, I have had to become a lot more selective and regimented about what I do and when I do it. The time I have that is not wrapped up in work or family has become precious and something which simply cannot be aimlessly wasted.
What gets packed in? Writing (of course), journaling in the morning and blogging at night. My Bible and inspirational reading, of course. Iai (practice or class) and workouts (on the days I do not have class). Icelandic, to prepare for August. Watering my garden and trying to keep tabs on the pests in it. A chapter a night and a little Japanese packed in along the side. The pup and the rabbits get some loves.
And that seems to be about it.
Oh, there is a bit more time on the weekends for some longer developed activities, like cheese or more extensive yardwork or the hint of home improvement. But frankly, right now, that seems to be about all the time there is.
I have pondered in the past what would rise as the most important activities in the event that my time became constrained. Turns out, I seem to have discovered what they are.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Where Is Holiness?
It strikes me that holiness is something you almost never hear anything about in church anymore.
It saddens me more than I can possibly express - not because I am fan per se of judgment, but that it (to my mind anyway) demeans the nature of God. Suddenly God is much more concerned with other things - social justice, environmentalism, _____ rights. These, we are told, are what the gospel is really about. Sin is at at best alluded to, at worst not mentioned at all. We are "saved", but from some nameless thing we cannot verbalize.
Mind you, I understand the root of the complaint. Holiness as it has been interpreted by lots of periods of time has simply become a list of things that a person should not do, sometimes without any root in Scripture. Yet holiness, we are told, is a command of God - "Be ye holy, as I am holy" (Leviticus 11:44, 1 Peter 1:15). It is a thing that we are told without which we will not see God.
But think about it: holiness was valued by the prophets, valued by the apostles, valued by Christ himself (see Matthew chapters 5-7 to get a glimpse of what Christ said holiness looks like). And yet the modern church, for the most part, seems to have turned its eyes away for the clear commands of God in the matter for other things.
Just plug in your favorite cause - "Be ye Diverse, for I am diverse; be ye environmentally friendly, as I am environmentally friendly". Oddly enough, you will not find those verses in Scripture (although it is fair to say they are discussed or implied. But holiness is commanded.
I have to ask myself: where is the cry for holiness from the church? Where are the models of holiness in her ranks? Where are the people - not saints of far away lands and times but those that live near us - that we can look to as role models of holiness?
Holiness, said one preacher, is "to think as God thinks and will as God wills." Do we true aspire to think as God thinks? Or do we think as we would like to think that God thinks, sprinkled with our own flavor of interpretation.
Every successful religious movement of the Old and New Testament, even to our day, had holiness its root. Where is the cry to discover that root in our own churches today?
Social movements and trends will fail us. Feelings will be betrayed, relationships will be broken. Only holiness has the enduring power of God in it to sustain us when the going get rough.
Where are the cries for holiness today?
It saddens me more than I can possibly express - not because I am fan per se of judgment, but that it (to my mind anyway) demeans the nature of God. Suddenly God is much more concerned with other things - social justice, environmentalism, _____ rights. These, we are told, are what the gospel is really about. Sin is at at best alluded to, at worst not mentioned at all. We are "saved", but from some nameless thing we cannot verbalize.
Mind you, I understand the root of the complaint. Holiness as it has been interpreted by lots of periods of time has simply become a list of things that a person should not do, sometimes without any root in Scripture. Yet holiness, we are told, is a command of God - "Be ye holy, as I am holy" (Leviticus 11:44, 1 Peter 1:15). It is a thing that we are told without which we will not see God.
But think about it: holiness was valued by the prophets, valued by the apostles, valued by Christ himself (see Matthew chapters 5-7 to get a glimpse of what Christ said holiness looks like). And yet the modern church, for the most part, seems to have turned its eyes away for the clear commands of God in the matter for other things.
Just plug in your favorite cause - "Be ye Diverse, for I am diverse; be ye environmentally friendly, as I am environmentally friendly". Oddly enough, you will not find those verses in Scripture (although it is fair to say they are discussed or implied. But holiness is commanded.
I have to ask myself: where is the cry for holiness from the church? Where are the models of holiness in her ranks? Where are the people - not saints of far away lands and times but those that live near us - that we can look to as role models of holiness?
Holiness, said one preacher, is "to think as God thinks and will as God wills." Do we true aspire to think as God thinks? Or do we think as we would like to think that God thinks, sprinkled with our own flavor of interpretation.
Every successful religious movement of the Old and New Testament, even to our day, had holiness its root. Where is the cry to discover that root in our own churches today?
Social movements and trends will fail us. Feelings will be betrayed, relationships will be broken. Only holiness has the enduring power of God in it to sustain us when the going get rough.
Where are the cries for holiness today?
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
The New Dark Ages
Last week I noticed an article that certain schools were starting to discontinued the use of "face" clocks in their classrooms, because some of their students could only interpret digital readouts.
Sign of the times, I suppose. But then I got to thinking about the arguments that are being had in some districts about the teaching of cursive writing at all, or the use of hand written calculations or formulas instead of calculators.
Again, a minor point - one would argue that if one can write in block letters one need not write in cursive. But with the growth of typing as a medium, the same argument could be made - probably will be made - within my lifetime.
Such things are probably all within the the context of the timeline of civilization - after all, blacksmithing used to be the only way to get forged metal and leather working was the plastic manufacture of its day - but it also betrays an increasingly disturbing trend, at least to my way of thinking. We used to put skills aside for technology; now we are putting aside the basic means of the transfer of knowledge.
One of the great advances from semi-permanent to permanent societies (besides that whole "farming" thing) was the development of the ability to maintain and understand knowledge in the form of records. Suddenly a person did not have to remember everything; it could be record for posterity and recovered via reading it.
But we are moving backwards in this, it seems. Oh, not visibly - after all, digital clocks do exist and people do still write. But ask yourself: where is the growth of knowledge now? In means that are transferable without technology such as books, written records, and the like? Or in visual and written forms that are completely reliant on technology to make them possible? Which is all fine, of course - until the technology fails or is wrenched away.
In my nightmares, I see a society surrounded by knowledge but with the people unable to read or write to access it, screens of darkness with no letters on them and digital clocks that only ever show the time as blank even as the sun sinks into the evening. A people starving for knowledge that is locked away as solidly as if it was behind iron bars and concrete walls.
There is a new Dark Age coming - maybe not quite yet, but coming fast. I check the time on my hand winding, Roman numeral bearing watch. The sunset is not yet, but will be here soon.
Sign of the times, I suppose. But then I got to thinking about the arguments that are being had in some districts about the teaching of cursive writing at all, or the use of hand written calculations or formulas instead of calculators.
Again, a minor point - one would argue that if one can write in block letters one need not write in cursive. But with the growth of typing as a medium, the same argument could be made - probably will be made - within my lifetime.
Such things are probably all within the the context of the timeline of civilization - after all, blacksmithing used to be the only way to get forged metal and leather working was the plastic manufacture of its day - but it also betrays an increasingly disturbing trend, at least to my way of thinking. We used to put skills aside for technology; now we are putting aside the basic means of the transfer of knowledge.
One of the great advances from semi-permanent to permanent societies (besides that whole "farming" thing) was the development of the ability to maintain and understand knowledge in the form of records. Suddenly a person did not have to remember everything; it could be record for posterity and recovered via reading it.
But we are moving backwards in this, it seems. Oh, not visibly - after all, digital clocks do exist and people do still write. But ask yourself: where is the growth of knowledge now? In means that are transferable without technology such as books, written records, and the like? Or in visual and written forms that are completely reliant on technology to make them possible? Which is all fine, of course - until the technology fails or is wrenched away.
In my nightmares, I see a society surrounded by knowledge but with the people unable to read or write to access it, screens of darkness with no letters on them and digital clocks that only ever show the time as blank even as the sun sinks into the evening. A people starving for knowledge that is locked away as solidly as if it was behind iron bars and concrete walls.
There is a new Dark Age coming - maybe not quite yet, but coming fast. I check the time on my hand winding, Roman numeral bearing watch. The sunset is not yet, but will be here soon.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Thursday, May 10, 2018
On Success Books
So as I have often written, I have a little bit of a problem with books - in that I have a fairly large collection of them. My solution - to almost anything - is when in doubt, to buy a book. So today, when I was reading an article that recommended a book on goals and success, you can imagine what my initial reaction was.
I like books on success. I have one or two. My favorites are the ones by Jeffrey Gitomer and Seth Godin and Steven Pressfield. Reading them, I can always feel more empowered and focused.
I clicked over to Amazon, looked at the book and the reviews, did the math, and put into into my cart.
And then I stopped and thought for a moment.
The reality is, the message of all books on success and succeeding and goals is - really - the same: Get Goals. Plan. Persevere. Achieve. Essentially that is it, filled in with a little bit of stories and humor and encouraging words. But not much different than that. Because really, the nature of success is a path well worn by those before it. It is not a question of more knowledge or more power or even more books, but rather a question of simply putting in the work until you arrive at your goals.
Which in a sense, eliminates the question of buying any other book on success (except if I really like the name or cover). After all, one can only watch so many re-runs until one turns off the TV and simply goes outside and does something.
I like books on success. I have one or two. My favorites are the ones by Jeffrey Gitomer and Seth Godin and Steven Pressfield. Reading them, I can always feel more empowered and focused.
I clicked over to Amazon, looked at the book and the reviews, did the math, and put into into my cart.
And then I stopped and thought for a moment.
The reality is, the message of all books on success and succeeding and goals is - really - the same: Get Goals. Plan. Persevere. Achieve. Essentially that is it, filled in with a little bit of stories and humor and encouraging words. But not much different than that. Because really, the nature of success is a path well worn by those before it. It is not a question of more knowledge or more power or even more books, but rather a question of simply putting in the work until you arrive at your goals.
Which in a sense, eliminates the question of buying any other book on success (except if I really like the name or cover). After all, one can only watch so many re-runs until one turns off the TV and simply goes outside and does something.
Wednesday, May 09, 2018
Tuesday, May 08, 2018
Monday, May 07, 2018
On Re-Invention Of The Self
The thought occurred to me that it might be time to re-invent myself.
We all go through periods of micro reinvention. We sometimes call it "getting a new hobby" or "In A Relationship" or "Out Of A Relationship" but in each case, they involve changing something about ourselves and our presentation to the world.
On even rarer occasions we go through major reinventions, where our lives and ourselves significantly change. This is as varied as "becoming a parent" or "getting married" or "finishing school" or even something as mundane as "purchasing a house". These are more much more significant in that large portions of our lives have to shift to accommodate the new change.
But these all have one thing in common: the reinvention is almost invisible to us, brought on by events which in some measure we have chosen. The idea of consciously, out of the blue for no reason reinventing ourselves, is a much more difficult and perilous thing.
Difficult? Changes that take place in the middle of normal living can be tough to sustain. There is no precipitating event to kick them off nor a continuing event to keep them going until they are on auto-pilot. It is only the force of will that is going to keep them in place and moving forward until they become automatic.
Perilous? Change is always difficult on everyone around you when it comes, and especially when it seems to come from nowhere. Sometimes reinvention comes simply because it has to - as the title of one too many books and articles has stated, "What Got You Here Will Not Get You There". Sometimes this is self evident to everyone, but sometimes (more often than not, I am coming to believe) we are the only ones that realize it. We can try to explain it when something is noticed which is different about we are making the changes - but I wonder if someone else can truly understand a change taken for the sake of the change itself.
What would re-invention look like for me? I am not terribly certain at this point. But the one thing I do understand is that it cannot just happen on a whim. That is the sort of thing that will never sustain itself. Without a plan of what you want to change and why and how, it just becomes a disjointed exercise that does not accomplish the underlying goal: to change for the better.
But like the flashes of lightning in the clouds not so distant, change is coming. I just need to manage it rather than get washed away by the storm.
We all go through periods of micro reinvention. We sometimes call it "getting a new hobby" or "In A Relationship" or "Out Of A Relationship" but in each case, they involve changing something about ourselves and our presentation to the world.
On even rarer occasions we go through major reinventions, where our lives and ourselves significantly change. This is as varied as "becoming a parent" or "getting married" or "finishing school" or even something as mundane as "purchasing a house". These are more much more significant in that large portions of our lives have to shift to accommodate the new change.
But these all have one thing in common: the reinvention is almost invisible to us, brought on by events which in some measure we have chosen. The idea of consciously, out of the blue for no reason reinventing ourselves, is a much more difficult and perilous thing.
Difficult? Changes that take place in the middle of normal living can be tough to sustain. There is no precipitating event to kick them off nor a continuing event to keep them going until they are on auto-pilot. It is only the force of will that is going to keep them in place and moving forward until they become automatic.
Perilous? Change is always difficult on everyone around you when it comes, and especially when it seems to come from nowhere. Sometimes reinvention comes simply because it has to - as the title of one too many books and articles has stated, "What Got You Here Will Not Get You There". Sometimes this is self evident to everyone, but sometimes (more often than not, I am coming to believe) we are the only ones that realize it. We can try to explain it when something is noticed which is different about we are making the changes - but I wonder if someone else can truly understand a change taken for the sake of the change itself.
What would re-invention look like for me? I am not terribly certain at this point. But the one thing I do understand is that it cannot just happen on a whim. That is the sort of thing that will never sustain itself. Without a plan of what you want to change and why and how, it just becomes a disjointed exercise that does not accomplish the underlying goal: to change for the better.
But like the flashes of lightning in the clouds not so distant, change is coming. I just need to manage it rather than get washed away by the storm.
Friday, May 04, 2018
Article: Staying Hidden Online
I ordinarily do not post links to articles, but today I would like to commend one to your attention from Survivalblog.com: Staying Hidden Online.
Honestly, I am probably pretty late to this party. I am not, on the whole, very tech savvy and have probably managed to litter the landscape over the years with bits and pieces of me. I have been slowly trying to undo the damage in the last year or so, but the recent social climate is such that it is too much of a chance to take anymore.
The thing that managed to put me close to the edge was Amazon and their ads. All of a sudden before I knew it, things I have had to research at work starting showing up on my personal accounts as suggestions for me to be. I did not cross the streams between work and home - how did this happen? Someone was obviously working overtime to gather data on me and what I was up to.
But the thing that has put me over the edge was reading a report that FaceBook had tested an function whereby others can vote on whether or not your posting is "appropriate". Suddenly, the mob now determines what is acceptable. And if they see you there, they will start to run you down everywhere else you are on the InterWeb.
Not that they seem to make it easy, it seems. Trying using a non-common web browser and all you get is "We do not recognize this log on". Every time. The Very Large Internet Companies very much prefer you use their tools, not others.
I am sure on the whole this will not make a great deal of difference in the long run - but at least, in my own mind, I am doing what I can to prevent the commercialization and probable eventual demonization of....me.
Thursday, May 03, 2018
On The Ending Of Friendships
I wish we taught the ending of friendships as a skill.
It is awkwardly learned skill, one most of us stumble into without any sort of guidance whatsoever. Initially we all learn the same way as children: "I am not your friend" we shout and that is that. But as we grow older, we find that are making attachments that are not so nearly easy to break.
Technology, of course, has made this even more ridiculous as now things can go on for months after any real interaction has taken place. Like a snowcloud that occasionally spits snow in hopes of a blizzard, we check in and out in fits, leaving calls or messages and then waiting to see if they are responded to. If yes, the friendship must still exist; if no, then maybe things are closed down - until we get the next message out of nowhere.
I am more prone, I suppose, because at some level I feel like friendships that die (and they do) is the equivalent of abandoning someone that might need me. In my mind, I am being entire too tough or quietly waiting in the wings (For what? Some undefined emergency to come, I suppose).
But then it really happens: the responses stop all together.
I panic at first, impatiently waiting - "They are busy" or some such. Then I (inevitably) retry to make contact as if somehow the first one got missed or that a lack of response sometime in the past caused this. The cycle probably repeats two or three times until I finally admit to myself that it truly is gone.
The reality is that these are no more my fault than the other persons. It is simply that the friendship served its purpose and now, like spring wildflowers, is withering away as it distributes its seeds.
I have tried to make a virtue of such things, working on willingly surrendering without becoming panicky or concerned. I struggle a little less than before - not that it seems to hurt any less mind you, just that we make a little more progress every time.
But part of me wonders - five years, ten years - will the friendship live at all in their mind? Or is it simply another example of leaving others even as we meet, always saying goodbye every time we shake a hand.
It is awkwardly learned skill, one most of us stumble into without any sort of guidance whatsoever. Initially we all learn the same way as children: "I am not your friend" we shout and that is that. But as we grow older, we find that are making attachments that are not so nearly easy to break.
Technology, of course, has made this even more ridiculous as now things can go on for months after any real interaction has taken place. Like a snowcloud that occasionally spits snow in hopes of a blizzard, we check in and out in fits, leaving calls or messages and then waiting to see if they are responded to. If yes, the friendship must still exist; if no, then maybe things are closed down - until we get the next message out of nowhere.
I am more prone, I suppose, because at some level I feel like friendships that die (and they do) is the equivalent of abandoning someone that might need me. In my mind, I am being entire too tough or quietly waiting in the wings (For what? Some undefined emergency to come, I suppose).
But then it really happens: the responses stop all together.
I panic at first, impatiently waiting - "They are busy" or some such. Then I (inevitably) retry to make contact as if somehow the first one got missed or that a lack of response sometime in the past caused this. The cycle probably repeats two or three times until I finally admit to myself that it truly is gone.
The reality is that these are no more my fault than the other persons. It is simply that the friendship served its purpose and now, like spring wildflowers, is withering away as it distributes its seeds.
I have tried to make a virtue of such things, working on willingly surrendering without becoming panicky or concerned. I struggle a little less than before - not that it seems to hurt any less mind you, just that we make a little more progress every time.
But part of me wonders - five years, ten years - will the friendship live at all in their mind? Or is it simply another example of leaving others even as we meet, always saying goodbye every time we shake a hand.
Wednesday, May 02, 2018
The Vanishing Usefulness Of My Smart Phone
I have had my Smart Phone for approximately five years. It was a gift from The Ravishing Mrs. TB, something to get me "plugged in" to real world from the previous Flip Phone.
The Modern Smart Phone is a miracle of replacement technology. Without using any of its communication features it has successfully replaced the watch (pocket and wrist), the calculator, the music storage and playing device (a.k.a. The Walkman), the physical notepad, the camera, and the pocket flashlight (by far the most useful feature). It makes all kinds of communication, written and verbal, possible. It allows one to check in on one's children in a way my parent's generation must have only dreamed of. Add to that its functionality as a entertainment and knowledge center - literally, the world is right at your fingertips - and you have essentially poured all of the human experience into something you can hold in your hands.
And yet I am considering it to be more and more of a paperweight.
The Smart Phone has changed our behavior. We are now a people that spend most of our time with our heads downward facing our screens, a pack of hollow eyed zombies stumbling over curbs and into walls as we walk. We interact with the phone - through selfies, through conversation, through laughing at what we see - as much or more so than with actual people at this point. The world slowly becomes invisible except as viewed through a screen.
It has also changed how we respond to each other. In days past, responses were largely a result of personal interaction. Now, the omnipresence of the Smart Phone and the power of text make everything a "right now" response. If you are not responding "right now", something is obviously wrong or you are simply not paying attention. The sender has now become the most important person in the room - by not being in the room.
But for me, the question has become very much about how I actually use the phone - as a communication device. Frankly, I really do not any more. The handful of calls I make or get outside of family are either recruiters or people trying to sell me something. My texts, which originally seemed to replace the calls, are simply an extension of this as well.
In other words, I scarcely use my communication device to communicate anymore.
Will I ditch the phone immediately? Of course not. It works, it is paid for, and it does have that rather useful flashlight. But I am reaching zero initiative on getting a replacement model if and when this one perishes. I can do a lot of what the phone does on my computer. I can get an actual phone for people who actually want to call me (or text, I suppose).
I will sure miss the flashlight though.
The Modern Smart Phone is a miracle of replacement technology. Without using any of its communication features it has successfully replaced the watch (pocket and wrist), the calculator, the music storage and playing device (a.k.a. The Walkman), the physical notepad, the camera, and the pocket flashlight (by far the most useful feature). It makes all kinds of communication, written and verbal, possible. It allows one to check in on one's children in a way my parent's generation must have only dreamed of. Add to that its functionality as a entertainment and knowledge center - literally, the world is right at your fingertips - and you have essentially poured all of the human experience into something you can hold in your hands.
And yet I am considering it to be more and more of a paperweight.
The Smart Phone has changed our behavior. We are now a people that spend most of our time with our heads downward facing our screens, a pack of hollow eyed zombies stumbling over curbs and into walls as we walk. We interact with the phone - through selfies, through conversation, through laughing at what we see - as much or more so than with actual people at this point. The world slowly becomes invisible except as viewed through a screen.
It has also changed how we respond to each other. In days past, responses were largely a result of personal interaction. Now, the omnipresence of the Smart Phone and the power of text make everything a "right now" response. If you are not responding "right now", something is obviously wrong or you are simply not paying attention. The sender has now become the most important person in the room - by not being in the room.
But for me, the question has become very much about how I actually use the phone - as a communication device. Frankly, I really do not any more. The handful of calls I make or get outside of family are either recruiters or people trying to sell me something. My texts, which originally seemed to replace the calls, are simply an extension of this as well.
In other words, I scarcely use my communication device to communicate anymore.
Will I ditch the phone immediately? Of course not. It works, it is paid for, and it does have that rather useful flashlight. But I am reaching zero initiative on getting a replacement model if and when this one perishes. I can do a lot of what the phone does on my computer. I can get an actual phone for people who actually want to call me (or text, I suppose).
I will sure miss the flashlight though.
Tuesday, May 01, 2018
Asking The Work Stress Question
I will posit a question: at what point do you determine the stress level of your career is enough to make you walk away from it?
To be clear, I do not think I am quite there yet. I still enjoy my job and the people that I work with. But there is a growing sense of stress in my day to day operations. I have slowly seen my hours increase from 40 to 50 or more. Weekend work is not required at this point - but it seems more and more that such work is required in the sense that it allows you to keep up with what you needs to happen.
But if things do not significantly change for the better in the not too distant future, hard questions may start to have to be asked. It is never really the time to be without a job, of course - but as hours creep up, the average hourly wage starts to fall down. This year I found that my hourly wage actually drop 6% based on the hours I currently keep.
But the stress factor is the one that worries me the most. As it stands, I feel like I cannot afford to not check my e-mail in the evening and on weekends. I dream of work. And working a "regular" day almost feels like cutting out early.
So is there a threshold where one simply says "I am at my limit" and moves on?
To be clear, I do not think I am quite there yet. I still enjoy my job and the people that I work with. But there is a growing sense of stress in my day to day operations. I have slowly seen my hours increase from 40 to 50 or more. Weekend work is not required at this point - but it seems more and more that such work is required in the sense that it allows you to keep up with what you needs to happen.
But if things do not significantly change for the better in the not too distant future, hard questions may start to have to be asked. It is never really the time to be without a job, of course - but as hours creep up, the average hourly wage starts to fall down. This year I found that my hourly wage actually drop 6% based on the hours I currently keep.
But the stress factor is the one that worries me the most. As it stands, I feel like I cannot afford to not check my e-mail in the evening and on weekends. I dream of work. And working a "regular" day almost feels like cutting out early.
So is there a threshold where one simply says "I am at my limit" and moves on?
Monday, April 30, 2018
Over 50 And Focusing The Mind
So this weekend officially moved me over the 50 line definitely in the 50+ category.
Starting to grasp that you are at the latter half of your life tends to focus the mind wonderfully. It helps to being to (perhaps finally) cut through the layers of debris that one has allowed to clutter one's life up over the years. One comes to realize - perhaps a little late but none the less - that one really does not have the sort of time one imagined (at least here on earth, anyway) to accomplish everything.
At least for me, life is very much becoming measured in hours: how much I spend at work (too much, really), how much I sleep (not enough), and the remaining hours that are left over to pack in life (which really need to be growing in importance, not shrinking). It also means that I have been doing some level of rigorously examining the current ongoing activities in my life, in terms of time and energy and money.
Some changes are already being made. I have (realistically) the ability to really focus on two or possibly three things at a time with the hope of getting better at them. For me it means prioritizing Iai (which I have a decent chance of getting better at) at the expense of Highland Games (which I have probably just about maxed out what I can accomplish), or prioritizing a few languages I want to know better (such as Japanese and Icelandic) over the many I have always claimed that I want to know. And given the choice of running or weight lifting, I have gone with weightlifting (and walking) to save my knees.
Money tracks with all of this as well, of course. I have realized what I have blogged about many times, that I am surrounded by things for which (in most cases) I would rather have the money that I spent on them. I cannot get that money back of course, but I can make sure that I do not continue to pour good money after bad.
So change really can be good - as long as it focuses the mind.
Friday, April 27, 2018
This Is A Solvable Problem
One of the things I respect most about my current boss is that for him, everything is a solvable problem.
I cannot think of a time in the past almost two years when there has been a problem which I have brought to him or seen him with that has not, in some form, been resolvable. Yes, the resolution may very much look like more work or a different way around or more time or more money or even simply stopping, but there is always a resolution.
As I have processing this over this time, what I have come find is that such an attitude it built on a certain set of core beliefs and principles. One of them, of course, is simply the belief that nothing is unsolvable. But the second of them, equally as important, is a view that the world works a certain way and that as such, solutions are always out there. It is a certain level of optimism in the possibility of future outcomes.
To this point, this has generally not been my outlook. I am the most dour of pessimists, always seeing reasons why nothing will work and why problems, once presented, most often represent mountains that simply cannot be climbed.
But I am working on this, because of course we all absorb the environment we are in (eventually if not sooner). And today, unbidden from my brain, popped out "This is a solvable problem".
Just saying it does not always make it so, of course. But saying it changes the proposition from "there is nothing that can be done" to "there is something that can be done."
And if something can be done, it is merely a problem of discovering it.
I cannot think of a time in the past almost two years when there has been a problem which I have brought to him or seen him with that has not, in some form, been resolvable. Yes, the resolution may very much look like more work or a different way around or more time or more money or even simply stopping, but there is always a resolution.
As I have processing this over this time, what I have come find is that such an attitude it built on a certain set of core beliefs and principles. One of them, of course, is simply the belief that nothing is unsolvable. But the second of them, equally as important, is a view that the world works a certain way and that as such, solutions are always out there. It is a certain level of optimism in the possibility of future outcomes.
To this point, this has generally not been my outlook. I am the most dour of pessimists, always seeing reasons why nothing will work and why problems, once presented, most often represent mountains that simply cannot be climbed.
But I am working on this, because of course we all absorb the environment we are in (eventually if not sooner). And today, unbidden from my brain, popped out "This is a solvable problem".
Just saying it does not always make it so, of course. But saying it changes the proposition from "there is nothing that can be done" to "there is something that can be done."
And if something can be done, it is merely a problem of discovering it.
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
On Alcohol
So I have an issue that I need to discuss and that I have recently actually been willing to admit to:
I have a small problem with alcohol.
It is not big in the sense that it is a problem 7 days a week. It is not big in the sense that I hide my drinking. But it is big that when I do, I cannot have just one.
(To be clear, this is a bit embarrassing and humiliating to write. After all, I am over 50 at this point and should have things better in hand.)
I have always had a somewhat tempestuous relationship with alcohol - mostly because, like a great many people, once I start drinking I do not want the feeling of lack of inhibition to stop (to those who do not know, there is a reason they call it "Courage In A Bottle"). I have managed to avoid serious harm to myself and others but have occasionally embarrassed myself and some of those around me.
I have always rejected the slice of Christianity that rejects alcohol out of hand (I am pretty clear on what Scripture does and does not say in this regard) and, being somewhat stubbornly myself, have always felt that such a thing which was not clearly forbidden by Scripture but enforced as if it was to be the worst sort of authoritarianism and going beyond what God clearly states. And I still believe that.
At the same time, I find myself in the position where my self control (which is also something that God clearly speaks about) is being consistently overwhelmed when I do have a drink. And if my self control is overwhelmed there, it will undoubtedly be overwhelmed in other areas as well.
Why is this becoming an issue now? It has always been there, of course, but I do not wonder if the struggles I am going through right at moment - and in some cases finding myself at a loss for what to do in general - are pushing me towards some kind of "stress" relief.
The whole point of this, of course, is that it needs to stop. Pretty quickly.
I have never (and will never) criticize or comment on other people's ability or willingness to enjoy a glass of beer or wine. But I have reached the point where such a thing, which may be allowed for others, can no longer be allowed for me.
I have a small problem with alcohol.
It is not big in the sense that it is a problem 7 days a week. It is not big in the sense that I hide my drinking. But it is big that when I do, I cannot have just one.
(To be clear, this is a bit embarrassing and humiliating to write. After all, I am over 50 at this point and should have things better in hand.)
I have always had a somewhat tempestuous relationship with alcohol - mostly because, like a great many people, once I start drinking I do not want the feeling of lack of inhibition to stop (to those who do not know, there is a reason they call it "Courage In A Bottle"). I have managed to avoid serious harm to myself and others but have occasionally embarrassed myself and some of those around me.
I have always rejected the slice of Christianity that rejects alcohol out of hand (I am pretty clear on what Scripture does and does not say in this regard) and, being somewhat stubbornly myself, have always felt that such a thing which was not clearly forbidden by Scripture but enforced as if it was to be the worst sort of authoritarianism and going beyond what God clearly states. And I still believe that.
At the same time, I find myself in the position where my self control (which is also something that God clearly speaks about) is being consistently overwhelmed when I do have a drink. And if my self control is overwhelmed there, it will undoubtedly be overwhelmed in other areas as well.
Why is this becoming an issue now? It has always been there, of course, but I do not wonder if the struggles I am going through right at moment - and in some cases finding myself at a loss for what to do in general - are pushing me towards some kind of "stress" relief.
The whole point of this, of course, is that it needs to stop. Pretty quickly.
I have never (and will never) criticize or comment on other people's ability or willingness to enjoy a glass of beer or wine. But I have reached the point where such a thing, which may be allowed for others, can no longer be allowed for me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Monday, April 23, 2018
On The Preaching Of God's Word
This is the second time I have written this post for today.
The first time, it was a frankly a rant - on the condition of the sermon I heard yesterday, on the condition of Christianity in my larger circle, on the seeming attractiveness of other forms of belief. It was bitter, angry - and completely un-Christian. So I decided I would have to start over.
What I would write about, instead, is the whole counsel of God.
We now live in an age where (at least here in North America) the Church has largely abandoned the practice of expository preaching, of preaching through the Bible or even books of the Bible in their totality, going verse by verse and bringing out the meaning of the verses as they were written. Under this method it can take years to get through a single book of the Bible - but within this style one captures the whole of the book, the good and the bad, embarrassing and unworthy.
What we have moved to - seemingly in larger and larger part - is topical preaching. In this method, one chooses a topic and then finds passages or verses around it. Another version - none better, in my view - is to preach through a book of the Bible but to do it selectively: skip some verses here, a chapter there, all in the pursuit of the underlying topic you are trying to communicate.
As you may guess, I am a fan of the first and not the second.
Why? Because the first gives the whole counsel of God's word. It does not choose a point to emphasize which is often one important to the speaker but a minor contextual note but instead paints the tapestry of God's Word in all its fullness. It can also create odd gaps in the understanding of the hearers and their relationship to God: they know they need to be saved for example, but are not sure what they need to be saved from (the answer, of course, is sin).
Improperly wielded, topical preaching makes the Church a victim of the age it lives in. Suddenly God's word seems to speak to the particular conditions of our times (which it can, of course - it is God's word) but in such a way that our modern sensibilities are pleased (until they have to be redefined for the next generation's "modern" sensibilities). The word then becomes void, merely a social action pamphlet of one sort of another. And the people of God, instead of being fed true food, are given the sort of things that make them feel full but will disappear as quickly as sugar rush on Easter when the tough times come.
Strangely enough, I am not overcome with fear at this development. Sadness, yes - God's word is so rich and we allow ourselves to only grasp the barest minimum and I believe there are many that will be unable to stand when the social currents they ride now suddenly turn against them. But in reality, Our Lord always said this day would come as it has countless times before over the centuries. And it gives us a principle which any good small holder would embrace: it is not enough to rely on someone else. In this, as in all else, we need to be as involved as we are in any other activity.
The first time, it was a frankly a rant - on the condition of the sermon I heard yesterday, on the condition of Christianity in my larger circle, on the seeming attractiveness of other forms of belief. It was bitter, angry - and completely un-Christian. So I decided I would have to start over.
What I would write about, instead, is the whole counsel of God.
We now live in an age where (at least here in North America) the Church has largely abandoned the practice of expository preaching, of preaching through the Bible or even books of the Bible in their totality, going verse by verse and bringing out the meaning of the verses as they were written. Under this method it can take years to get through a single book of the Bible - but within this style one captures the whole of the book, the good and the bad, embarrassing and unworthy.
What we have moved to - seemingly in larger and larger part - is topical preaching. In this method, one chooses a topic and then finds passages or verses around it. Another version - none better, in my view - is to preach through a book of the Bible but to do it selectively: skip some verses here, a chapter there, all in the pursuit of the underlying topic you are trying to communicate.
As you may guess, I am a fan of the first and not the second.
Why? Because the first gives the whole counsel of God's word. It does not choose a point to emphasize which is often one important to the speaker but a minor contextual note but instead paints the tapestry of God's Word in all its fullness. It can also create odd gaps in the understanding of the hearers and their relationship to God: they know they need to be saved for example, but are not sure what they need to be saved from (the answer, of course, is sin).
Improperly wielded, topical preaching makes the Church a victim of the age it lives in. Suddenly God's word seems to speak to the particular conditions of our times (which it can, of course - it is God's word) but in such a way that our modern sensibilities are pleased (until they have to be redefined for the next generation's "modern" sensibilities). The word then becomes void, merely a social action pamphlet of one sort of another. And the people of God, instead of being fed true food, are given the sort of things that make them feel full but will disappear as quickly as sugar rush on Easter when the tough times come.
Strangely enough, I am not overcome with fear at this development. Sadness, yes - God's word is so rich and we allow ourselves to only grasp the barest minimum and I believe there are many that will be unable to stand when the social currents they ride now suddenly turn against them. But in reality, Our Lord always said this day would come as it has countless times before over the centuries. And it gives us a principle which any good small holder would embrace: it is not enough to rely on someone else. In this, as in all else, we need to be as involved as we are in any other activity.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
A Few Words From...Awa no Kenzo
"I must warn you of one thing. You have become a different person in the course of these years. For this is what the art of archery means: a profound and far-reaching contest of the archer with himself. Perhaps you have hardly noticed it yet, but you will feel it very strongly when you meet your family and friends again in your own country: things will no longer harmonize as before. You will see with other eyes and measure with other measures. It happened to me too, and it happens to all who are touched by the spirit of this art." - Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery
Friday, April 20, 2018
Not Fitting In Part II
Today's excursis is the result of a comment PeteForester left on yesterday's blog:
"I'm going through the same thing, TB; a strange sense of disconnect from family, career, church, etc; a profound sense of burnout. I've prayed, and have gotten the same things back: "Trust in Me. "Rest in Me." It seems like a frustratingly vague answer, but when you think about it, trusting in God is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life. Everything else is secondary.
When you get an answer like this, you know two things; God is there, and you're exactly where He wants you to be at this particular moment. So go with the answer to your prayers, TB, and don't forget; Jesus felt disconnected at times as well... "The stone the builders rejected...""
"I'm going through the same thing, TB; a strange sense of disconnect from family, career, church, etc; a profound sense of burnout. I've prayed, and have gotten the same things back: "Trust in Me. "Rest in Me." It seems like a frustratingly vague answer, but when you think about it, trusting in God is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life. Everything else is secondary.
When you get an answer like this, you know two things; God is there, and you're exactly where He wants you to be at this particular moment. So go with the answer to your prayers, TB, and don't forget; Jesus felt disconnected at times as well... "The stone the builders rejected...""
The response I got today when I asked the question was no different than the one I got yesterday: "Trust Me". Along with a second item: "Accept where you are and what you are experiencing."
I know - at least intellectually - that Pete's answer is the correct one: that God is in every situation, even this one, and that He has total control over the situation. But emotionally, in my heart, things feel very different indeed.
We - and maybe I mean "We Americans" but perhaps this applies to other cultures as well - are fundamentally taught not to settle. We should always be reaching and striving for more: for more things, for more social station, for more improvement, for larger muscles, for better relationships. To not do this does not at all bear the sense of contentment or even acceptance; instead, it reeks of defeatism and laziness. You at worst a fool and at best an underachiever.
At the same time, one has be careful about reading too much into the fact that the circumstances are occurring now. Part of what makes something bearable - humanly speaking anyway - is that we have a hope that someday the situation will change. Someday things will turn around - good heavens, is that not what God promised? (Ultimately yes; temporally, not necessarily - in case you were wondering) That hope buoys us through the weeks and months and even years of the desert and dark valleys.
But by thinking this we create the risk of putting boundaries on God and His ability to act. If we look constantly for the time to end, we can become frustrated and lose faith when the situation does not change in a time frame such as we had "allowed" for. It is one thing to go through a year of a poor personal close relationship or a crushing work environment or a disease; it is another thing when it extends to 10.
Today for practice, I tried the a rather Stoic philosophy style exercise that I have tried before: "What if X never changed?" What if the job, the career, the church, the relationship, the income, the sense of belonging - what if that all stayed exactly the same as it is today? How would that feel? Would I be okay with it? I tried it with Pete's comments in mind - and it did help somewhat. Accepting that something is happening and that (as God is in control) it is happening on His time frame, I could almost (at least for several seconds at a time) get over my anger or frustration. It was a simple acceptance of the fact that it was the way it was because God desired it so.
Two other things came out of this process as I sat and pondered them:
1) Accepting that things are in God's will and are what they are can drive us to Him and Heaven all the more. Ultimately all of this is a blip on the line of eternity; looking at the "okay" now can make me hungry for Heaven - if I allow it.
2) Accepting the situation as it exists means accepting the fact that, possibly, I did not cause it. Yes, I understand that much of what occurs in our lives is the result of our own actions, but I am becoming equally convinced of the opposite, that much of what occurs in our lives are not the results of our actions. People pulling away or activities falling aside or a church that no longer wears quite right or a job that is a grind rather than the joy it was are not just because we made it that way. Sometimes it is the result God intervening: pulling those people or activities away or giving us a deeper or different hunger for a more authentic worship and sermon or causing drudgery to be our daily lot may be in fact equally the inscrutable hand of God acting in our lives for reasons and ways we will only see in eternity.
And if I look at this as God actively moving in my life - even if it is in staid situations where everything seems to be moving away while I am standing still - suddenly I have a very different perspective indeed.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Not Fitting In
If I have not clearly stated it before, I am clearly going through a phase of not fitting in at all in my current life.
I do not fit in where I go to church. Increasingly I do not feel like that in at my career place. I do not fit in at Throwing like I used to. I have not (for a while) felt like I fit within my circle of friends.
(For the record, I do still fit at Iai and and the Rabbit Shelter - but rabbits are pretty pleasant companions). In almost ever aspect of my life, I do not feel like I fit in. The sense is that my life is slowly being compacted and pushed off a ledge over a cliff from which I can hear the waves of the raging sea.
The problem seems to be that I am not really fitting in anywhere else either. If there are other places that I might fit in, these have not readily come to mind or readily presented themselves (not that there seems to have been time for that of late, however). Instead, it seems the lamps of my life are slowly being extinguished one by one while I wait for a dawn which I hope is coming - think is coming - but have no real guarantee is coming.
I asked God about it tonight walking Poppy - really, let us be fair, it was someone more of an accusation. "When, God? When do things clear up? When do I find the path forward?"
The answer I got was "Trust Me."
Not, as you can imagine, the clearest sort of answer I was hoping for. A time frame gives us something to framer expectations and efforts around but simple trust is something that says an event can go for five minutes or fifteen years. And there is no really hint of such a trust dawn except to pay careful attention to the world around you for the dim lightning which suggests that it may be finally coming.
But this was the only answer offered.
And so I wait in the gathering gloom of nightfall. I can feel that there is a next step but, like a man in a cave, I can make no progress without injuring myself - until the dawn arrives.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
A Slow Moving Cultural Wreck
There are days and weeks - like this week, it seems - where I go through a sort of general sense of hopelessness about the future. It just feels as if things are not getting better and have no chance at all of getting better, at least in my lifetime.
It has been said before by others more eloquent than I, but I cannot remember a time where the vitriol of one to another has ever been so high. It is if we have abandoned even the pretense of trying to get along and have become embroiled in a one act monologue where the only subject covered are the idiocies and the meanness of the other side.
It has reached the point where it seems we are not just trying to fray the bounds that bind us together as a society but we are actively tearing them apart as fast as we are able in hopes of....
In hopes of what? That is perhaps the most troubling part of the equation. To anyone who has built a culture, be it business or religious or non-profit or even a club or role-playing group, it is understood how difficult it is to do such a thing. Culture is something that has to be carefully nourished and protected to grow and flourish and then (once existing) has to be weeded and pruned and watered as carefully as any garden. Forget any of these and the cultures begins to die and once dying, is usually very hard to bring back to life.
So I suppose their hopes are to destroy things to the point that something new, something "better" can be built? Utopianism at its finest I suppose - but a simple study of history will demonstrate the perils and usual outcomes of such a thing (check out Nazi Germany Soviet Russia or The Killing Fields of Cambodia or Communist China in its Great Leap Forward or Cultural Revolutions Phases [or even now, really]) for a sense of what "new cultures built on the ruins of the old" actually looks like. It is a bloody, destructive affair that leaves a wake of death and destruction behind it.
The saddest part to me is that I am watching this happening, observer of a slow motion train wreck that is coming down the tracks at me - and all I can do is watch in horrified anticipation as it seems to gain sped.
It has been said before by others more eloquent than I, but I cannot remember a time where the vitriol of one to another has ever been so high. It is if we have abandoned even the pretense of trying to get along and have become embroiled in a one act monologue where the only subject covered are the idiocies and the meanness of the other side.
It has reached the point where it seems we are not just trying to fray the bounds that bind us together as a society but we are actively tearing them apart as fast as we are able in hopes of....
In hopes of what? That is perhaps the most troubling part of the equation. To anyone who has built a culture, be it business or religious or non-profit or even a club or role-playing group, it is understood how difficult it is to do such a thing. Culture is something that has to be carefully nourished and protected to grow and flourish and then (once existing) has to be weeded and pruned and watered as carefully as any garden. Forget any of these and the cultures begins to die and once dying, is usually very hard to bring back to life.
So I suppose their hopes are to destroy things to the point that something new, something "better" can be built? Utopianism at its finest I suppose - but a simple study of history will demonstrate the perils and usual outcomes of such a thing (check out Nazi Germany Soviet Russia or The Killing Fields of Cambodia or Communist China in its Great Leap Forward or Cultural Revolutions Phases [or even now, really]) for a sense of what "new cultures built on the ruins of the old" actually looks like. It is a bloody, destructive affair that leaves a wake of death and destruction behind it.
The saddest part to me is that I am watching this happening, observer of a slow motion train wreck that is coming down the tracks at me - and all I can do is watch in horrified anticipation as it seems to gain sped.
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Plugging The Hole Of Self Acceptance With Others
I am shocked at the extent to which I have tried to plug the holes of my own feelings of lack of self-acceptance with the lives of others.
It is something that has only become a matter of realization in the last week or so, precipitated by the realization that I really am not quite the central figure in the lives of others that I imagined I was. As I slogged through the degrees of grief that occur with any relationship of worth, I realized that in point of fact I was not so much grieving their moving on as I was grieving a very real sense that a hole had been exposed once again.
It is easy to understand now that I can see it. I have always struggled with acceptance: my own acceptance of myself, and certainly God's acceptance of me. My solution has been to find a way to make that feeling go away by finding others who I can draw close to help fill in the gaps that I feel I cannot close myself.
It is not a great solution of course, as it both manages to eventually alienate the other person (trust me - I have the wasteland of former friendships to prove it) as well as driving me away from the probable sources of the solution that would actually fix the problem: my own acceptance of self, and my acceptance of God's view of me.
Living feeling as if you are continually performing below what you should be doing is a terrible burden to bear. It is doubly hard when the person that administered that burden is yourself: you can never really let yourself be pleased with your performance because, after all, you are the harshest critic of yourself. Outside people theoretically remove this issue from you: by being outside of you and "not you", they somehow have legitimacy the make you feel that sense of acceptance - after all, if they are receiving you, are you not okay?
The reality is that in fact in any relationship - any healthy one anyway - both sides are deriving a benefit. When that benefit becomes one sided it either simply becomes a charitable event (and if you have never been a relationship charity, you do not know the pain of realizing it after the fact) or something that is on its way out the door.
Is there a solution? The one I should tell you is "learn to accept yourself". But that is the very thing that is the hardest, is it not? I am no more likely to accept myself simply because I tell myself so than I am to fly by jumping off a roof flapping my arms. There is a thing there, a thing I am missing - and my fear is that the road to recovery lies directly back through that gaping hole I am trying to fill.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Fencing The Garden
As I mentioned last week, my temporary solution of light plastic fencing for my garden was fairly ineffective once Poppy figured out she could go through it:
The time had come to get a few more posts:
And an actual fence:
I do not know that this will definitively keep Poppy out - she is a pretty clever dog. The best I am hoping for at this point is that it will difficult and unpleasant enough that she will give up.
(On a happier note, the recycled wood pellets and rabbit manure have turned into an amazing top soil. Pretty excited about that.)
The time had come to get a few more posts:
And an actual fence:
I do not know that this will definitively keep Poppy out - she is a pretty clever dog. The best I am hoping for at this point is that it will difficult and unpleasant enough that she will give up.
(On a happier note, the recycled wood pellets and rabbit manure have turned into an amazing top soil. Pretty excited about that.)
Friday, April 13, 2018
Of Leek Pie
Wednesday night we had leek pie. We have had leek pie before; the thing that made this one different was that it was leeks from our garden.
I was not quite prepared to take the out, but Poppy the Mighty had figured out that 1) She could go through the light fencing I had put up, and 2) Things sticking out of the ground make a pretty good chew toy. So it was pull them or lose them.
As we were eating it last night, I was suddenly struck by the fact that (with a little work) most of the ingredients were things that I could generate, if I had the room and time: Leeks, eggs, wheat flour (for crust). Bacon and Milk/cream/butter could be had at a little more effort and expense (or traded for). But the thing could be done, with a little effort and ingenuity.
It is moments like this (mostly, finishing up the leftover piece) that makes me think and realize how much more possible such things are. Yes, my reach always seems to exceed my grasp in such areas - I am still struggling after nine years of living here to get a garden I can actually eat out of - but occasionally there are moments that remind me that the future is out there, if I can just apply myself a little more creatively and be a little more patient.
And yes, the leek pie out here is delicious.
I was not quite prepared to take the out, but Poppy the Mighty had figured out that 1) She could go through the light fencing I had put up, and 2) Things sticking out of the ground make a pretty good chew toy. So it was pull them or lose them.
As we were eating it last night, I was suddenly struck by the fact that (with a little work) most of the ingredients were things that I could generate, if I had the room and time: Leeks, eggs, wheat flour (for crust). Bacon and Milk/cream/butter could be had at a little more effort and expense (or traded for). But the thing could be done, with a little effort and ingenuity.
It is moments like this (mostly, finishing up the leftover piece) that makes me think and realize how much more possible such things are. Yes, my reach always seems to exceed my grasp in such areas - I am still struggling after nine years of living here to get a garden I can actually eat out of - but occasionally there are moments that remind me that the future is out there, if I can just apply myself a little more creatively and be a little more patient.
And yes, the leek pie out here is delicious.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
You Giant Weirdo
We love the bunnies around here (third most abandoned pet after cats and dogs. Live 9-12 years. Smart as a cat, and well managed, not nearly the smell of a litter box). Sunday, which for Nighean Dhonn and myself is Bunday at our local rabbit shelter, is always a day of happiness. It is, however, important to keep perspective:
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Buying New And Selling Old
This evening I made a trip to the local used book store.
We have been slowly compiling a bag of books that were no longer ones that we read - which turned into two bags, which then became three. To be fair, most of them belonged to The Ravishing Mrs. TB, but over the past week I have started to become almost maniacal in my need to downsize things. For me, it was probably maybe 20 books - but the fact that I would part with any of them should indicate the height of my energy. They were all books that I had kept for years but had never gone back and read for one reason or another, so into the bag they went.
The grand total for a haul of three bags worth of books? $12.00 (That is $15.36 to my Canadian friends).
Hardly seems worth it, does it? Mind you, I would guess that well over $300 went into those books over the years as they were purchased. And everything is driven by the market, of course (and I suspect cookbooks and some Christian books, which were in the mix, are hardly the sorts of things that sell well these days). Still, as I pointed out to her, it is $12.00 we did not have yesterday and a little bit of additional space in the house.
What it did impress on me once again is the foolishness of buying new and selling old.
Buying new books is not the thing it used to be for me, once upon a time - I have not set foot into the last remaining Major Bookstore Box Marketer in probably three years. Why? Because the mark up compared to Amazon is stupid. But even on Amazon, I more often will try to get the new rather than the older because, in my mind, I am "gaining value" by not paying the postage. Fool! What is more important - stretching those book dollars or just getting a slightly used one, like I would if it in the local used book store?
And selling old - once you have something that is not immediately usable or disposable, it seldom increase in value. Yes, I can understand moving things out to make room or cut down on clutter, but never do it on the basis that somehow you are going to make back anything compared to what you put out for them.
Really, a lesson for almost anything you spend money on: very few things are best new, and almost nothing is quite as good selling old.
We have been slowly compiling a bag of books that were no longer ones that we read - which turned into two bags, which then became three. To be fair, most of them belonged to The Ravishing Mrs. TB, but over the past week I have started to become almost maniacal in my need to downsize things. For me, it was probably maybe 20 books - but the fact that I would part with any of them should indicate the height of my energy. They were all books that I had kept for years but had never gone back and read for one reason or another, so into the bag they went.
The grand total for a haul of three bags worth of books? $12.00 (That is $15.36 to my Canadian friends).
Hardly seems worth it, does it? Mind you, I would guess that well over $300 went into those books over the years as they were purchased. And everything is driven by the market, of course (and I suspect cookbooks and some Christian books, which were in the mix, are hardly the sorts of things that sell well these days). Still, as I pointed out to her, it is $12.00 we did not have yesterday and a little bit of additional space in the house.
What it did impress on me once again is the foolishness of buying new and selling old.
Buying new books is not the thing it used to be for me, once upon a time - I have not set foot into the last remaining Major Bookstore Box Marketer in probably three years. Why? Because the mark up compared to Amazon is stupid. But even on Amazon, I more often will try to get the new rather than the older because, in my mind, I am "gaining value" by not paying the postage. Fool! What is more important - stretching those book dollars or just getting a slightly used one, like I would if it in the local used book store?
And selling old - once you have something that is not immediately usable or disposable, it seldom increase in value. Yes, I can understand moving things out to make room or cut down on clutter, but never do it on the basis that somehow you are going to make back anything compared to what you put out for them.
Really, a lesson for almost anything you spend money on: very few things are best new, and almost nothing is quite as good selling old.
Monday, April 09, 2018
Friday, April 06, 2018
Thursday, April 05, 2018
Rebuilding My Life
A' Chailin Rua sent me this quote the other day: "If you knew how hard it was and how long it took to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness then you would understand why I'm so picky about who I allow into my life."
As I looked at the quote and thought about it (and how much I agreed with it), the thought suddenly hit me that I am in the process of rebuilding my life.
It was not something that has intentionally happened - it is not as if I sat down and said "I am going to completely change my life." But what seems to have occurred is that my life has been changing, first at the fringes and now more and more at the core. Who I was a mere nine years ago - good heavens, a mere two years ago - has changed, and somewhat drastically. And while I do not completely understand the nature of the changes or what it means, I am conscious that they are present and that I have to adapt to them.
As I have written earlier, it was made more than obvious to me when I started doing the count of people in my life that are not passing associates at work or someone I see or speak to once in a while. That number is low - and controlled to specific areas. And as I considered that and considered my activities, I suddenly found that many of my interests had changed over time as well. Not all of them, mind you: the bedrock still seems to be there along with some of the things I have picked up along the way (Iaijutsu for example), but a lot of the other things have either completely disappeared or are receding quickly from view.
As I go through the exercise of slowly excising my presence from the InterWeb, I am discovering that I have filled my life with a great many things that while at the time may have been entertaining or important, no longer seem to hold any interest or importance.
I made my list on what I wanted to focus on for the next few years. While it was not in many ways that different from a list I would have made 25 years ago, what was different was the distinct lack of "being social and connected" that was on it (or, as it is known, the social economy). It seems I have passed the point of expansion, at least there, and am moving into a phase of significant contraction from all of that and much that the world has to offer.
And so I find, perhaps almost accidentally, that at a half century I am effectively rebuilding a life - or perhaps better put, removing the superstructure and rebuilding on the original foundation.
As I looked at the quote and thought about it (and how much I agreed with it), the thought suddenly hit me that I am in the process of rebuilding my life.
It was not something that has intentionally happened - it is not as if I sat down and said "I am going to completely change my life." But what seems to have occurred is that my life has been changing, first at the fringes and now more and more at the core. Who I was a mere nine years ago - good heavens, a mere two years ago - has changed, and somewhat drastically. And while I do not completely understand the nature of the changes or what it means, I am conscious that they are present and that I have to adapt to them.
As I have written earlier, it was made more than obvious to me when I started doing the count of people in my life that are not passing associates at work or someone I see or speak to once in a while. That number is low - and controlled to specific areas. And as I considered that and considered my activities, I suddenly found that many of my interests had changed over time as well. Not all of them, mind you: the bedrock still seems to be there along with some of the things I have picked up along the way (Iaijutsu for example), but a lot of the other things have either completely disappeared or are receding quickly from view.
As I go through the exercise of slowly excising my presence from the InterWeb, I am discovering that I have filled my life with a great many things that while at the time may have been entertaining or important, no longer seem to hold any interest or importance.
I made my list on what I wanted to focus on for the next few years. While it was not in many ways that different from a list I would have made 25 years ago, what was different was the distinct lack of "being social and connected" that was on it (or, as it is known, the social economy). It seems I have passed the point of expansion, at least there, and am moving into a phase of significant contraction from all of that and much that the world has to offer.
And so I find, perhaps almost accidentally, that at a half century I am effectively rebuilding a life - or perhaps better put, removing the superstructure and rebuilding on the original foundation.
Wednesday, April 04, 2018
Spring Blog Cleaning
Over the weekend, I finally closed out my other major online presence.
It was an old blog, one that had been started after this one and one that was "published" under the auspices of my real, actual name. Originally I was following the idea of Otis, who had published a business related blog writing about his career field. Sounded like a good idea, I thought. I should do the same.
Like most of my ideas, this was the one that was going to "take" me on to fame and fortune. This was the blog that was going to put my keen insight on my career field and success on display for the world to see as me. This was going to move the goal posts forward (finally) on my writing career.
As you can suspect by the fact that I shut it down, it did not quite live up to my extraordinarily high expectations.
It would perhaps be fair to say that my writing on such things is not all that unique. To succeed in the world of career and business or achievement blogging, you need to provide solutions. I am not so much of a solution provider as I am a theoretical thinker. I can take the thoughts and words of others or even myself, but I would just as soon theorize as I would provide solutions.
Oh, I got hits - far more than I ever received here. But the tracking device revealed the unique hits were no more than I have done here over the years; I had become a magnet for spammers trying to post links to their products.
I did get some good out of it: I learned to write fables pretty well. Articles I am not so good at; fables are much more challenging and yet easier. If I did no other good, I did that.
So this weekend I carefully archived everything to my computer (we never lose writing here), and then quietly began the process of eliminating and shutting down the blog and all its links.
Besides just tying up another loose end online, I was surprised by the sense of relief that flooded me when I was done. It was like I had been carrying around this burden of an old project that had never been completed but not really sure what to do with it. The situation has been rectified, as with any good spring cleaning. The InterWeb Desert, if you will, has once again wiped the slate clean.
It was an old blog, one that had been started after this one and one that was "published" under the auspices of my real, actual name. Originally I was following the idea of Otis, who had published a business related blog writing about his career field. Sounded like a good idea, I thought. I should do the same.
Like most of my ideas, this was the one that was going to "take" me on to fame and fortune. This was the blog that was going to put my keen insight on my career field and success on display for the world to see as me. This was going to move the goal posts forward (finally) on my writing career.
As you can suspect by the fact that I shut it down, it did not quite live up to my extraordinarily high expectations.
It would perhaps be fair to say that my writing on such things is not all that unique. To succeed in the world of career and business or achievement blogging, you need to provide solutions. I am not so much of a solution provider as I am a theoretical thinker. I can take the thoughts and words of others or even myself, but I would just as soon theorize as I would provide solutions.
Oh, I got hits - far more than I ever received here. But the tracking device revealed the unique hits were no more than I have done here over the years; I had become a magnet for spammers trying to post links to their products.
I did get some good out of it: I learned to write fables pretty well. Articles I am not so good at; fables are much more challenging and yet easier. If I did no other good, I did that.
So this weekend I carefully archived everything to my computer (we never lose writing here), and then quietly began the process of eliminating and shutting down the blog and all its links.
Besides just tying up another loose end online, I was surprised by the sense of relief that flooded me when I was done. It was like I had been carrying around this burden of an old project that had never been completed but not really sure what to do with it. The situation has been rectified, as with any good spring cleaning. The InterWeb Desert, if you will, has once again wiped the slate clean.
Tuesday, April 03, 2018
Losing Emotional Baggage
This weekend some of my emotional baggage got lost.
It is not particularly attractive emotional baggage, you understand - probably 25 years old in faded tan and black colors. No rollers on the bottom either, so you had to lug the things from place to place. My name and address were attached at the top on some old Disneyworld luggage tags, the address crossed out for every time that I had changed locations.
But it was my luggage, luggage that I had lovingly packed initially and then, over time, continue to pack until I could barely get anything else in there. Arguably it was overpacked: I never really go rid of the things that were in there but just kept pushing them to the bottom.
What was my hope, dragging this quite above the weight limit, overfilled, old luggage with me? A fool's errand, mostly. A belief that somehow this luggage held the key to something - happiness, if you must know the truth. I kept moving it from place to place even as the rest of my life expanded because of a belief that my happiness - my fulfilling, true happiness, was right around the corner and I had to be ready to go when that moment showed up. A whole subset of dreams and wants were packed into it, old ones being pressed down by new ones as the years went on and the previous ones faded.
And then, this weekend, I lost the luggage.
I showed up at the next point of entry and went to find my luggage on the carousel but it was not there. I stood there, watching the last two bags slowly make their transit again and again with nothing else coming out, before I gave up.
I had my luggage tickets and showed them at the "Lost" counter. The attendant slowly shook his head after looking at the computer screen. They had a record of the luggage but no record of where it has gone. It was, truly, lost.
Which makes for a very odd feeling.
For the first time in 25 years I do not have that luggage striking at my heels every time I stop. All of the things I put in there are no longer available for me to pull out or push back in at my leisure. Everything in there that represented an investment of time and thought is gone.
And now I find myself at the edge of the airport arrivals section with nothing more than a small carry on of emotional items and without any real idea what the next step is supposed to be. The outside world seems strangely barren and yet potentially full of possibilities at the same time.
And perhaps most strangely, I feel lighter.
It is not particularly attractive emotional baggage, you understand - probably 25 years old in faded tan and black colors. No rollers on the bottom either, so you had to lug the things from place to place. My name and address were attached at the top on some old Disneyworld luggage tags, the address crossed out for every time that I had changed locations.
But it was my luggage, luggage that I had lovingly packed initially and then, over time, continue to pack until I could barely get anything else in there. Arguably it was overpacked: I never really go rid of the things that were in there but just kept pushing them to the bottom.
What was my hope, dragging this quite above the weight limit, overfilled, old luggage with me? A fool's errand, mostly. A belief that somehow this luggage held the key to something - happiness, if you must know the truth. I kept moving it from place to place even as the rest of my life expanded because of a belief that my happiness - my fulfilling, true happiness, was right around the corner and I had to be ready to go when that moment showed up. A whole subset of dreams and wants were packed into it, old ones being pressed down by new ones as the years went on and the previous ones faded.
And then, this weekend, I lost the luggage.
I showed up at the next point of entry and went to find my luggage on the carousel but it was not there. I stood there, watching the last two bags slowly make their transit again and again with nothing else coming out, before I gave up.
I had my luggage tickets and showed them at the "Lost" counter. The attendant slowly shook his head after looking at the computer screen. They had a record of the luggage but no record of where it has gone. It was, truly, lost.
Which makes for a very odd feeling.
For the first time in 25 years I do not have that luggage striking at my heels every time I stop. All of the things I put in there are no longer available for me to pull out or push back in at my leisure. Everything in there that represented an investment of time and thought is gone.
And now I find myself at the edge of the airport arrivals section with nothing more than a small carry on of emotional items and without any real idea what the next step is supposed to be. The outside world seems strangely barren and yet potentially full of possibilities at the same time.
And perhaps most strangely, I feel lighter.
Monday, April 02, 2018
Sunday, April 01, 2018
Happy Easter 2018!
Now Mark 16:1–8; Luke 24:1–10; John 20:1–8after the Sabbath, as the first day of the week began to dawn, Mary Magdalene Matt. 27:56, 61and the other Mary came to see the tomb. And behold, there was a great earthquake; for Mark 16:5; Luke 24:4; John 20:12an angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat on it. Dan. 7:9; 10:6; Mark 9:3; John 20:12; Acts 1:10His countenance was like lightning, and his clothing as white as snow. And the guards shook for fear of him, and became like Rev. 1:17dead men.
But the angel answered and said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is risen, Hos. 6:2; Ps. 16:10; 49:15; Matt. 12:40; 16:21; 17:23; 20:19as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. And go quickly and tell His disciples that He is risen from the dead, and indeed Matt. 26:32; 28:10, 16; Mark 16:7He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him. Behold, I have told you.”
So they went out quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to bring His disciples word.
And as they went to tell His disciples, behold, Mark 16:9; John 20:14Jesus met them, saying, “Rejoice!” So they came and held Him by the feet and worshiped Him. Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell Ps. 22:22; John 20:17; Rom. 8:29; (Heb. 2:11)My brethren to go to Galilee, and there they will see Me.”
- Matthew 28: 1-10, NKJV
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