FOTB (Friend of This Blog) Becki, who posts at Field Lilies, posted a thought which made me sit back in my chair and think for a bit:
"Do you get into those uncomfortable states of mind - where the busy and the good needs of life of life slowly conflict with the pull of slowly creating things? They feel like polar opposite values to me, and yet, they are both very much part of who I am."
It made me think because it quite described a conflict that seems to have arisen over the last few months: I am both overly busy and yet not busy enough.
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Looking at the face of things, this seems ridiculous to me. After all, in some ways my life is simpler than it has been in years. My family responsibilities are essentially minimal at this point. I have a few weekly activities, but nothing like I had back in New Home. My work is less than 10 minutes away by car. I have zero home owner responsibilities: no yard, no repairs, and cleaning the house now takes 30 minutes a week.
In theory, I should be bursting with time for projects and energy to do things. Yet somehow, neither of these things is really true.
My days feel more rushed than ever. By the time I get home, have dinner, maybe do one or two things that are on my "list", it is time for bed already. I have had to concede that my very brief experiment in getting up earlier to do more neither helped me do more nor made me feel better - I was just a lot more tired throughout the day with even lower energy.
This math does not make sense. I should have more time than I have had for years. Yet I seem to have less than I ever did.
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I do not know that there an answer to this problem, because I do not really have a working problem statement. "Why do I have less personal time than ever?" might be the problem statement, but I am not sure that is it. Because it does not just feel like a time thing. It feels like a "weight of the world" thing.
Which makes sense, to a certain extent. I have a lot more involvement with people at work in ways that I have managed to not have for years - much more direct coaching, much more being a shoulder to cry on, much more listening, much more trying to move 100 balls forward at the same time. That can certainly drain you. A lot of me after work now is me being quiet and listening to the silence, something that frustrates The Ravishing Mrs. TB to no end.
Added to that is the fact while I am not as busy as I was, I am also not seeing as many people in a social setting as I did. Old Home friends are much more phone call conversations now, New Home friends online, and New Home 2.0 friends event specific or extensions of work.
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It is tempting to say I just need down time - but what does down time look like? It is odd to me now how much I struggle with the idea of doing very little, or do something that while important to me is not "productive". Part of that is work likely - we always need to be producing something - but part of that is that my thinking has somehow changed as well.
I do not fully understand this tension and, not understanding it, struggle to resolve it.
Your statement about "a lot more involvement with people" is important, some people can be a real drain on the psyche not to mention the situations they can create. You're getting an early taste of what it's like to be retired TB when you're "not productive"......perhaps helping others can fill that space, it did for me.
ReplyDeleteNylon12, the surprising thing to me is that I bracket the line of extroverted introvert. I can be "on" all day - I have to be somewhat, given my job. And then the inevitable collapse comes. Yet at the same time, I have to be real enough to admit that I am not good living a solitary life.
DeleteI think service is the way to go. Now that The Ranch is done, I feel more comfortable starting to look at commitments.
I wonder if time itself is changing. I've heard of a "quickening", where people notice time moves faster. And it's beyond just the old age thing. Even younger ones notice it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's part of the "redeem the time" verse. Time is invest-able.
STxAR - That is certainly a possibility. Or I wonder if, with the instant 24/7/365 world we live in where we are "on" all the time, our perception of time moves much faster because much of everything else "moves" faster. I say "perception" because the earth's rotation and sun's movement have not changed significantly; we have.
DeleteTime is investable, as you point out. One of the great questions of Scripture is "Are you investing it wisely?"
My husband wonders about this as well, that perhaps time has sped up somehow. In Matthew 24 it talks about the days being shortened. But I don't think there would be a way to objectively prove this.
DeleteLeigh, I think it would be hard to prove. After all, a second hand moves as it every did. But my perception of time has speeded up immensely.
DeleteI have come to realize that people are different in how we manage and think about time. My wife is uneasy with idle time. She always has to be doing something. I on the other hand, crave idle time and dislike having so many things scheduled that I must honor with my presence in some way. I don't look at idle time as a waste of time but merely a time to not think about other things for awhile and allow my internal batteries to recharge. It can come in the form of reading, watching some television show which I will barely recall next week or even surfing the web reading blogs. If I don't get my idle/recharge time in, I can go all day and feel really busy even if on paper, I didn't accomplish much to others who think of time differently.
ReplyDeleteEd - I agree. The Ravishing Mrs. TB is the same as your wife. And I am more often than not like you.
DeleteI am sure that somewhere there is a people/non-people ratio for introverts to recover.
Seek rest, not busyness. This is a gift from the Lord. Busyness is just around the corner. Notice the little things. Note your blessings. A piece of Scripture says, "seek peace and pursue it". You will need this in preparation for what is coming. There is always something coming. The Lord is calling you to sit at His feet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, be careful of how many are crying on your shoulder. It feels good to help in the beginning. Soon it can turn into using you, seeking sympathy when they don't measure up at work, or a distraction from work. Are you picking up the slack for them? Are you carrying their burdens home and thinking about their latest in your off time? I know from experience, my friend...🙏
Anon - As I am working my way through our 10 week course Rooted, one thing that is continually coming to mind is how much I need to have an image or purpose I claim as my own and am known for: "TB The X", as it were. Some of that bleeds over into the staying busy as it is connected to who I might perceive myself to be.
DeleteI was made aware of the fact this week - it was probably always there - that I have the gift of encouragement. To your point, encouragement can bleed over into unmerited support if one is none too careful. It is not a balance I have overdone - yet - but something to be aware of. Thank you for the reminder.
I can relate to this. Chores and needs of the garden, animals, etc, are a strong pull in one way. My desire to do creative projects in the house pull another. I don't have a solution other than remembering my life is seasonal, and I must attend to the needs of the moment. Accepting that I will always have a longer to-do list than time just comes with the lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteAh yes the push-pull I know too well. When I am most at peace and in “the zone” or “the flow” state of mind I am at my best in all aspects of life.
DeleteBut alas this is fleeting by nature, the gift of whimsy is not meant to become The operating system but rather a phase.
Yet it is so harmonious with nesting, building, making of space and things of our intimate lives that it is oh so tempting to chase it.
But of course the symphony of life, a real masterpiece that moves our souls to truth and beauty, requires dissonance; the tension and tempo and tenor that carves the approach to those little summits where we get to enjoy the release of that tension into some work of congruence.
There is no consonance without dissonance.
Together they are grand. On their own they invite all matters of anxiety and spiritual decline.
I think some of us, perhaps gifted (often feeling cursed!) with some constellation of creative drive and drift and propensity toward dreaming, idealizing, etc simply “feel” the effect of this two oppositional states more than others.
As an artist and deep thinker (not in a brag, I often put this in the cursed camp) I cannot be whole without making things beautiful. Creating and modifying space, bringing comfort and joy to others through this work.
And yet as a farmer and self-employed maker I have a foundry of many irons that garner no economic utility according to the modern economy and its moral orientation and so suffer the knife’s edge of economic serfdom.
So there is great toil that produces futility in light of what nature so readily destroys and decays. Just to play another hand to a push with the dealer requires more energy than I have. Or so I think.
I just keep going.
My cope has been to entwine heart work with my grunt work. This does no favors to my “ADD” as the kids say but it’s what I require. I know myself.
So I plow and dig and then some hours later put the machines down and take up something small and pretty and form it with my hands with no particular plan. Freedom.
The summation is a lovely place that people enjoy but have no idea the real toll it takes on a man to produce such a place or appreciation for the many ways this puts him at odds with the synthetic modern life of man as well as God and his plan and the wilds of a nature that is cruel and kind in equal measure.
Such is life. The great works are so often left behind. Most of my shade and fruit put into the dirt will be enjoyed by the next man. My reward is the work. Good Work is a blessing.
Just as I will someday shake this broken body loose and embrace that joy that I’ve been chasing in all its fullness for ever and ever, God willing.
Leigh - You have often written on the seasonality of the homestead life, and it is one of the things that is missing from modern living. With climate control and enclosed spaces, seasonality of activities is something that almost never impacts us, and thus there is not that rise and fall of various tasks. I wonder if it has created some of the disconnect we feel today with modern life.
DeleteAnon - Thank you for such a thoughtful response.
DeleteIt is interesting to me that write of the pulls of creativity, labour, and the realization that many do not appreciate the effort it takes to make or grow a thing, let alone the fact that it will not last for long years or will be picked up by someone else not of your choosing. It has always been so, yet modern work culture is so focused on producing things which truly have no existence beyond the modern world which they are made for (or, like computer code, do not exist at all in real space. Pre-industrial man had things they knew would not last, but also built things which we would stand the test of time, both because of their durability and the fact that they were things of beauty that should be cherished and saved.
I have often reminded the "younglings" of my current employment that a 25+ year career in my industry is reduced to boxes of papers (or nowadays, computer files) patiently waiting their retention periods to be destroyed. The long nights, the long meetings, the "this must be done now else the world ends" - all forgotten, all unimportant in the cast of time except what it made of ourselves and how we treated those around us.
A good reminder, perhaps, why God wants us to invest our time and treasure in the things that will last, not the things that will not.