(Editor's note: Apologies, we will return to Turkey next week. My heart is just not in it this week.)
"A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls." - Proverbs 25:28
I have always struggled with self-control.
Self-control is one of those funny sorts of skills. It is incredibly important to many different aspects of life, but it is something that some people are born with, some people are able to learn, and some are neither born with it or learn it at all. In that sense, perhaps, it strikes me that it almost a skill like music or athletics: some people are born naturals, some people can learn it and do okay, and some people have neither the ability nor the interest no matter how often they train or practice.
It is also one of those skills that serves as an indicator of other issues: have a problem with self control in one thing and it is quite likely that you have a problem with self control in a great many other things. Why? Because the issue that the self control does not exist with is not the thing itself, but the personality trait which inevitably appears in other areas of our lives.
Self control can also be subtle. For many I suspect - at least for me - it is pretty easy to point at some of the major issues that people have issues with and sort of smugly think "Well, that is not a problem for me". And yet - if I look deeper at myself anyway - I find that the same impulses are there, just in less obvious and perhaps even more socially acceptable ways.
Humility feeds into this equation as well. In our pride, we can often overlook those subtle signs that indicate that we have a problem. It can be as simple as "Well, this (fill in the blank) is completely justifiable and not illegal or immoral. It is fine" or as complicated as "Well, I need (fill in the blank) and if I do not get it, bad things will happen" - and by bad things, we often mean minor inconveniences instead of truly life altering situations.
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Perhaps obviously, this is the sort of thing that has been on my mind this week.
None of these issues where there were slips in self control were illegal or immoral. All were, arguably, completely justifiable for most if not many people. The place where I crossed over from "not a problem" to "a problem" was when rather giddily could not say "no" to myself.
If I am honest, this happens a lot more than I care to admit.
For example, as I have discussed in the past, I am long time nail chewer who only in the last few years have managed to stop tearing my nails down to the quick. But I have not completely stopped the habit; I still tear away small chunks. "It is fine", I tell myself. "I am not chewing."
Or something as innocuous as the candy basket at my new place of work. There is no reason I need to be back again and again for another mint LifeSaver (my favorite flavor) but there I am. "It is fine", I tell myself. "They are low calorie."
You get the idea.
Ultimately, this all stems from the simple inability to say "no" to myself - not because these things are wrong or bad but because I should have control over my feelings and impulses, not having them dictate to my conscious mind what is to be done.
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I guess in this, what is the goal?
I remember one episode of M.A.S.H where one of the principal characters Hawkeye swore off drinking for a period. He received the inevitable ribbing from his colleagues (he was portrayed as a bit of an inveterate drinker) and struggling through points where it would have been the typical thing he would have done. Near the end of the episode, he "reaches" his goal of a period of time without drinking. A drink is put down on the bar as someone says something like "You need it". He looks at it and then pushes it away. "I will have it when I want it, not when I 'need' it" he responded.
It can be alcohol or uncontrollable purchasing of an item or nail chewing or even the innocuous little white rings of minty goodness. If I cannot say "no" to myself - not just once, but until I am in a place where I can pick it up or lay it down at will - I remain, as the writer says, a city broken into and left without walls.
And cities without walls are ripe for destruction.
Oh man......this topic at this time of the morning? Reading this post is getting the sleep outa the eyes. Been keeping a local bakery in business since the time the pandemic started rather than buy COOKIES at the local supermarket chain. COOKIES!!! Self-control.....(snort)........ :)
ReplyDeleteNyon12, it sounds like you are supporting a local business, which of course is a noble and just course of action...
DeleteI wouldn't be to hard on your self. There are lots of scientific studies these days showing that there are brain chemistry differences between people so that one might be able to see a mint lifesaver and walk on by and the other can't resist. We are all wired a bit differently. I know I have urges that I fight all the time too. The key is finding a way to disrupt things so that you don't receive the urges in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ed. The odd thing (to me) is that I know when I am in the stage of just having something because it is there and the "Nope, I am going to over-rule my better sense and do it". For me, the difference is quite mentally noticeable, and I am trying to key on that to make progress.
DeleteI'm guessing everyone struggles with self-control because I think it's pretty much contrary to human nature, which basically puts Self first. I don't know if it's a skill one can have naturally, but it can certainly be learned. And taught. I think it's somewhat related to patience. And habits. I wish I was better at it but I am glad that my parents used some forms of discipline when I grew up. I think that helped teach me that self-control was a useful skill.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, there are some people that seem effortlessly self-disciplined - but to your point, I have no idea of that was natural or taught by their parents, teachers, and mentors.
DeleteIt can be learned. I continue to struggle with learning it - but I do find that the ability to say "no" to myself in small things helps strengthen me in the bigger things. Which I believe is one general message the Orthodox church has as part of their fasting protocols: by learning to deny ourselves of specific foods, we learn the self control of overcoming sin and mastering our lesser urges.
I have the same struggle, TB. Self-control is/was important enough for Paul to include as fruit of the spirit, so it is not insignificant for you to aspire toward it, as we all should. Thanks for another thoughtful post.
ReplyDeleteBob, that is a super good point - It is listed as one of the "Big Ones".
DeleteIt comforts me that we are all struggling with the same thing.