By 2007, our world had changed significantly.
My choice in industry was largely cemented since 1999 (Biopharmaceutical/Medical Devices). I had changed jobs in the industry to Quality, which had allowed a number of things, including purchasing a home not once, but twice in the intervening 8 years. We had added to our family (Nighean Bhan and Nighean Dhonn arriving in that space of time). I had started and failed a business (The Firm).
We had also joined another church.
In this case it was non-denominational church which had split (we followed the split). By going, we got to see the construction of a church from a "we are in a gym" phase to "we are getting offices" phase, watching structure and form materialize. And having been there are long as we were, we slowly integrated ourselves into ministry: I was on the worship team practically every Sunday and had been asked to lead a small group (they have various names, but basically a group of 10-12 people that meet once a week for study and fellowship). We had been - twice - to the large conference that served as much as anything as a denominational meeting.
And then, in last part of 2006, I was asked if I be willing to train as a deacon.
Well of course I would.
And so I started a training with one of the elders, meeting with him weekly as we went through a book and study guide (How To Be A Deacon, or some such title). The study rolled on through the end of 2006 to 2007. Things were going rather swimmingly. I was serving, leading, and on the path to some level of leadership in the church.
Until 26 February 2007.
That morning was a meeting with the elder at Starbuck's, as they had been for the last 5 months or so. I got out my book and workbook, ready to go. "We should set that aside today" was the response "I lost track of where we were".
He then explained to me that following the elder's retreat that previous weekend, the elders had talked about everyone in the deacon program, including me. The decision had be made to discontinue me in the program.
The reasoning behind it was unclear, or at least it remains unclear in my notes. He could not specifically tell me what had changed between the previous August and the previous weekend, only that things had changed, sometime in November or December.
My service was still welcomed of course. My small group could continue, but it would not longer be advertised as possibility for new members (thus, of course, eventually dooming it to extinction) - approved, but not sanctioned as it were. In terms of restarting the process - there was no path forward. Out of the running now meant, it seemed, out of the running forever.
We chatted some more, made a commitment to meet the following week and start some other study. He went on his way, and I left for work. A 40 minute commute, so I had plenty of time to think.
In retrospect - at the time and even now, as I re-read the entry and reflected - the biggest thing that bothered me was the complete lack of feedback. Somehow something changed, and no-one said anything or asked about it at the time. I even went so far as to call the pastor (a friend then, still a friend now) and express my complaint that while I did not question they had the right to decide as they did, I did question the fact that no-one talked to me about it when the first were concerned about it.
Initially after the conversation, I was numb. As it went on, and I moved past my "Why did no-one say anything?", I was crushed - two times in less than 10 years, I had essentially started and been set aside. It made for a long, lonely drive to work.
And with that, any further actions for any sort of leadership in the church - any church - were finished. It was clear to me at least that not only had a door been closed, it had been locked up, boarded up and bolted on the other side.
The small group continued on after that, dwindling in size over time until it was just us and one other couple - to be fair, we were friends (our children were similar in ages) and so that Sunday evening became as much of a social event as it was a study. I continued to prepare for it as I would if there were 20 people there. Perhaps it acted a sop to my conscience, but it still allowed me - at some level - to feel like I was contributing. It continued on from that time forward all the way through 2009, when we moved to New Home, a sort of last morning mist that finally dissipates in heat of the morning sun.
Our feelings become hurt when our enthusiasm to contribute and help move forward have obstructions put in the way on purpose. Especially frustrating when they don't want to elaborate on why they chose this route. You don't know if it was personal via a comment or another person forcing a decision that moving in that direction was deemed unnecessary..
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that occurred in the manner it did. I guess we all have to form some callouses to minimize the hurt felt. I know I sometimes take things too personal myself.
I will say that it was very instructive in that - and I do not know this to be the case before - I am quite careful now to avoid stepping on the enthusiasm of others. I know only too well how much that hurts.
DeleteI would say on the second part - the frustration of not know - that it was simply a lack of training on how to say it. Even now, at least in the business world, managers get as much training in "constructive criticism" as they do in "how to write a review". Simply telling someone "no" without letting them really understand why and if there are things that can be done to change the situation is easier of course - but it ultimately leads the recipient to be able to fix the issue.
I have often taken things far too personally. It is a character flaw that I have been trying to repair my whole life. Honestly, it has been rate limiting in that I do not receive even constructive criticism very well.
Wow, what a crushing blow that would have been to me if I had been in your shoes. I'm not sure I could have continued in the church or even continued to lead the shrinking adult group study. I would have thought that there would have been some study or test BEFORE you started the training to weed out those they felt not fit.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how the Catholics select their deacons. I just know I've never been asked and even if I were, I would decline anyway.
Ed, I think the loyalty to my friends was what kept me at the group - for me, it was almost literally the friend group I had outside of work. And I was in the music ministry at that time, so i still had something there. But the pain was real. One can only hope that they changed the process over time.
DeleteUisdean Ruadh has talked a bit about the Catholic Deaconship. I get the impression it is a lot like joining any fraternal or shadowy organization: one night one gets a knock on the door with an offer. I assume the offer only goes to those that have indicated interest.
So… why did nobody say anything TB?
ReplyDeleteThat is a question I do not have an answer to. Perhaps they felt that beyond the leading of the Holy Spirit, they did not feel they could say anything more. Perhaps they felt that they could not define the issue beyond what they understood.
DeleteSorry TB - I shouldn't have asked, none of my business.
DeleteBut... hell's bells! Those guys are putting pedos in charge of choir boys, there are huge problems with grifters and carpet baggers fleecing their flocks, they actively cover for them and fly interference for them... and a guy like you isn't good enough? And you get no explanation? That stinks to high heaven, IMO.
I have either the opposite or the same problem you did. Our elders want me to take "responsible roles" in our church and I flat out refuse. I am dirty and crass and in my case it is an obviously poor fit.
Judging by the way that was handled I suspect there is something off or below board going on. The whole thing smells. The proper way to do it is to MAKE the Deacon, I would think. Instead of 'sorry fella, ya ain't got what it takes...' the tone should be, "Well TB, ya need to work on your scriptures, or your presentation, or whatever... and once you've done that, you should be good to go..."
If it were me in your sandals I'd shake them off at that lot and hit the road and find a real church...
Are you still interested in such a role? If you have what it takes... don't give up, man.
Glen - In retrospect, I might have pressed further into the issue. That said - I knew the men involved and their faith and credentials were impeccable. I assumed nothing untoward; I simply was not chosen. It could have been that they thought that handling it this was instead of a more public forum was less "challenging", as it were.
DeleteThey had some very general suggestions - or at least "This is when things seemed to change" - but not specific changes.
In terms of changing churches -we did when we moved. I have gone back to visit when I am home from time to time. There are no hard feelings at this point - that is water long under the bridge.
In terms of interest in such a role - honestly, not really at this point. Not that I could not be, I suppose - but I would need a pretty clear "Do This" sign from God to proceed.
If the guys are good, and you are good with their decision all is well I suppose.
DeleteI’m just looking at all this and I see the churches emptying out and numbers are diving… and this kind of thing just makes me shake my head. In their place, I’d be recruiting like mad and would consider a man like you as a God given asset.
Are deacons and vicars and bishops made, or are they born? I just don’t get it…
Glen, we are all cool - two of them have moved on, but the last one- the pastor - is still a friend and I see him from time to time when I go home.
DeleteAs to the rest- it does make one shake one's head a bit, although I suspect what at least I do not see is the churches that are doing it correctly - and growing.
Are they born or made? I suspect they may in some part be chosen by God and get there by the most unusual paths possible.
Wow, that is a failure of LEADERSHIP. Not on you at all. You were already on the road to being a deacon. In Acts, they were the ones already ministering. You were already ministering. It sounds like they were picking members for THEIR private club. That may have been a Godsend.
ReplyDeleteI read the devotional posts a friend puts out via text. Sometimes we discuss a little bit, other times, I just read it. His writing is encouraging. Writing newsletters and devotionals has it's place. Unfortunately, some with long history "in ministry" don't appreciate the movement of God when He starts changing course, and they hammer down any proud nails that happen to be following God and not the "way it's always been".
STxAR - It certainly seemed like a failure of the system. I knew these men. They were all godly men, and I did not doubt that they came to the decision with prayer and thought, nor that particularly there was any "selection" going on. Perhaps it was the first time that they had done it this way, and they realized they needed a better time.
DeleteI am glad your friend is able to write devotionals and they are meaningful to you and others. One of the great failures of the modern church (generalization here) is that there is no real place for the arts beyond the preset roles. I would argue this was one of Francis Shaeffer's big questions: once upon a time Christianity was a driver in all of the arts; now it is a participant at best, if a weak one.
One of the things our current church has from time to time is a dance troupe. I do not get dance - never have - and in some ways it seems out of place. On the other hand, if these dancers could not perform for the church and God, where would they perform? In the secular world?
As usual, I never have answers - only more questions.
To have terminated things so abruptly and without any explanation or feedback is unconscionable. -Kelly
ReplyDeleteKelly, it certainly felt like it at the time. I do not mind telling you it stung for a long time afterwards. But as it turned out, even if that had happened - and nothing else had changed - I would have had to give it up anyway two years later when we moved. In that sense, a crisis never realized.
DeleteThere is no saying that it was Holy Spirit that led them to this. It may have been that they were not truly following Holy Spirit. Too many churches now are not.
ReplyDeleteI can see why this has bothered you for so long. It would me as well.
You all be safe and God bless, TB.
Thanks Linda. Knowing the men involved, I can only assume that they were acting as they felt they were directed. And I suppose part of me finally committing this to electrons is the process of me letting this go.
DeleteMy old congregation invited me to lead a praise band with my guitar and animated enthusiasm. The team grew from me to 6 -7 members. 6 years later I was pushed from the group by the team with my guitar and singing because I was to elaborate with my playing. I chalked it up to a music artist’s quibble. Moved across town to a church with a great pipe organ (same denomination of Lutheran) and found home with the good old hymnal songs.
ReplyDeleteI’ve made some great friends here for ++10 years. God puts us in a a congregation with the souls he knows can help our faith, and whose faith we can strengthen.
Franknbean
FnB - I have been around such quibbles in the past - always strikes me as odd in the church, as it would seem to be the least of our focus.
DeleteThere is nothing better than a glorious pipe organ well played.
"the biggest thing that bothered me was the complete lack of feedback." Bothers me too, TB. But (unfortunately) this sort of thing doesn't surprise me anymore. You have clearly healed from this blow, but I felt your pain as I read, and experienced my own confusion and disappointment in the lack of transparency and clarity that was offered to you. Looking forward to reading Part III.
ReplyDeleteBecki - It certainly bothered me at the time, to the extent that I was actually willing to call someone about it (at the time, that was almost unheard of for me). I will say that it was influential enough that I have tried to make sure I never do the same thing in my own relationships.
Delete