Saturday, June 11, 2022

Solitude And Standards


One of the greatest difficulties - for ourselves and others - is when we change ourselves.

The variables, I assume, are the nature of the change and the nature of the relationship.  For example, I can make a very minor change - say, deciding I will no longer eat potatoes.  To my coworkers and passing acquaintances, it will likely never come up.  For my friends, it may come up in odd ways, like if we go to dinner and in ordering a burger, I do not order fries (which, to be clear, is a tragedy and a farce; this is only an example).  For my family with whom I eat, it likely becomes a point of discussion when I either I keep suggesting recipes that do not include potatoes or my not eating potatoes results in a great many more potato leftovers for someone else to deal with.

Potatoes are a pretty benign (but tasty) example.  Try something a little more challenging, like a change in standards or beliefs or how one views the world.  Suddenly "Would you like fries with that?" is the least of my worries.

Most people tend to not not be the stereotypical Exerciser about whom the joke:  "How do you know someone does X- exercise program?  Because they tell you two minutes into the conversation."  We go about our lives - work, family, relational, personal, spiritual - without necessarily needing to explain every aspect of our beliefs.  

But not explaining, of course, is not the same as practicing them.

As we modify our standards or beliefs or world views, they have an impact on our lives.  We may not be willing to argue about something as much as we used to.  We may choose to do other things.  We may adopt practices - exercising or fasting or a prayer rule - that we go about in place of something else.

Inherently given long enough, this things start to create diversions in our lives.  The basic example is, of course, the alcoholic that no longer drinks.  Such things go both ways, of course:  the recovering alcoholic does not want or need the temptation, and the former alcoholics friends no longer find the alcoholic as "fun" (to be fair, in my own experience the drunk were hilarious at 24.  Not so much now.).  And so, naturally over time, a separation occurs.

There is no reason not to be kind or pleasant, of course - kindness and pleasantness costs absolutely nothing other than time and avoid a lot of senseless encounters and conversations.  But as we go, we find that there is a falling away of sorts - and frankly, it often does leave a greater solitude in its wake.

Our society hates solitude.  For many, I suppose it is uncomfortable (for the introvert, as I am, it is not a problem at all).  But our society has a message that we need to be connected all the time - somehow, someway.  

Solitude is a problem for modern society in any number of ways:  it promotes thought, it strengthens individuality, it makes us internally stronger - the man or woman who can do something for themselves or be alone by themselves has a power that the masses do not.  In a way, solitude is very dangerous - thus, it is only encouraged in very specific ways in the current societal paradigm: A three day "retreat" is okay.  Living one's life as a retreat is not.

I should therefore not be surprised that as I continue to refine my beliefs and practices and (for me, anyway) my religion, I find less of things and people, not more.  The more one climbs, the fewer the climbers - but the more expansive the view.

 

4 comments:

  1. Quite a thought provoking post. (Why I'm a regular, I think) Fewer climbers, better view. I really do agree with that.

    Solitude has really allowed me to focus on past happenings that were moving so fast I couldn't correlate them. I have, over the last two years, cogitated on the conversations with and actions of people that were in my life. Like reading "Red Storm Rising", but only following an individual story arc and skipping all the rest (I really got a kick out of reading the story like that, especially the AF LT that walked the butts off the Marines), I've been able to focus clearly on who,what,where,when and why. That has been priceless.

    One other benefit of the enforced solitude has been the withdrawl from a constant, rough relationship. I found a shrink on YT that calls what I have SLDD. The pathological loneliness was something I experienced over and over. But this time, I made it through. And the attitude that she left with isn't welcome back. I said as much, and that if changes were made, we could work on the relationship. But that wasn't an option, so I am solo. And, for once, it's okay. I don't mind it too much. I do mourn for the 39 years of fruitless effort to make it work, and the little time left for living. But the ability to focus is so welcome.

    God has been the constant help and sustainer. I have no doubt about that. I'm not much more than a wet paper sack without Him. If you are interested in the YT here is a quick overview.
    https://youtu.be/bVpbsZaef8Y

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  2. Thanks STxAR.

    Solitude has the same effect on me. It is only when the "noise" of the outer world and events fades away that I can find the sort of mindful thinking that helps me to process things on a larger scale (one of the reasons, I suppose, that being away once a month has helped in that sense.

    I would agree that there are relationships which, given a choice, we simply are better off without. While not having your experience, there are other relationships where the absence of them is probably a healthier thing even though it leaves gaps. I can learn to live with the gaps; I can no longer live with the poor relationships. And indeed, without God, what are we?

    Thank you for the video link. It was interesting and I have never heard of SLDD before.

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  3. Profound observations, TB.

    I think it takes courage to change oneself and it can create havoc. I'm thinking of a co-dependent family situation where the entire family structure revolved around enabling an addict. If a member decides to cease their roll in the enabling, everything unravels quickly, and usually in a painful way. It's a lonely choice to make.

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    Replies
    1. Change is almost always hard Leigh. It is much harder when one is on their own to do it, without support.

      One observation I would have about modern civilization is the fact that too often our society and culture only encourages the sort of change that serves its purposes, not the individual.

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