For the last week, I have been in a grand funk.
There is no logical reason for this. Two weeks ago, I had a week off. It qualified as an actual vacation. We saw my parents and my in-laws. I was able to be 95% work free. We even did some fun activities. I should have come back refreshed and ready for the second half of the year.
But strangely enough, that was not the case. I was lethargic, bored, and seemingly uninterested in any of my usual activities.
It is not as if anything has changed significantly. The world is still apparently careening towards disaster. My work was neither more or less challenging or boring than it was when I left. And everything else - iaijutsu, the garden, reading, writing - all of these were exactly the same as when I had left.
So what gives?
To be honest, there is this simple sensation that I am seemingly trapped. In a chute heading one particular way with no ability to change course or direction. Or, that most undelightful yet most descriptive of all words, a "rut".
Work feels the same: same rounds of meetings, same sudden changes in direction, same urgency, same scenario planning. And perhaps at some moment -the moment when I sat down on Monday following my vacation and re-opened my e-mail - the realization that this is all that there would be until such time as this job is no longer my own.
And this seems to be the point of view that has permeated to my life. The long narrow tunnel that will only go on and on, until it does not.
Intellectually I know this is not the case - there are markers, some coming up pretty soon, that will represent major shifts in how things are going: for example, the last child leaving home. But all of this seems incredibly distant right now.
One would think that by finally putting some structure on what I wanted to do, this would be less of a thing - after all, I should just know the things I should be about, correct? But even that was not the case; everything seemed the same, a sepia colored life of unremarkable landscapes and unmemorable events.
I am not sure when this will let up - this last Saturday was better - but I am still feeling completely trapped in circumstances and patterns that promise nothing but more of the same.
And that, I am finding, is intolerable.
I recall a story about a monk helping someone with this. The keys seemed to be: tasks to do, some kind words, some time, and the realization that every day is a new beginning. Take heart. Keith
ReplyDeleteBah. You just need to blow some dust out of the old brain box, TB.
ReplyDeleteIt’s easy: do something fun - preferably with the old lady - that you haven’t done in decades. Years ago, faced with years of drudgery at work and drear in the family… the wife and I went out on the bike for a picnic. We dropped in at a nice lake a couple hours out of town and went for a swim. Hadn’t been swimming like that in years… but it sure was a breath of fresh air. You don’t have to do that, though. Anything that reminds you of why you get up and go to work in the morn, or got married will do.
I read with some interest awhile back where you were talking about narrowing your interest and focusing your efforts only on those interests and hobbies that really matter to you. I have done much the same in my life…but… I dunno if that can be mishandled?
Variety is the spice of life, they say… but for me it’s a boot in the seat of the pants. Sometimes a guy needs to remind himself why he’s here and why he does the things he does.
I do not think you are wrong, Glen. And doing something completely different would not be bad - after all, more or less for the last 1.5 years, we have been essentially cut off from a lot of that.
DeleteI have thought about the narrowing of goals as you have as a potential reason for this. I am not sure that is it, but am trying to keep my options open in that regard. Too narrow, and everything gets a into a rut.
My sense - or part of my sense - is just that the path I seem to be on (excluding the focus decision, of course) just seems to be one that runs on into the twilight. That is not an appealing option to me.
I saw your title and thought you had been listening to Grand Funk Railroad...
ReplyDeleteYou need a change of job or scene perhaps.
Who will be homesteading the Home?
God bless you all, TB.
Linda, that is also precisely the thought that came into my mind when I first thought of the title!
DeleteI think a change of scenery and what accompanies it is probably what the doctor ordered - in a great many ways, I think we have done what we can realistically do here.
Acedia. It's a term that fascinates me and, I believe, applies here. I hope you'll share with us how you work your way through your feelings. It might help others in the same situation.
ReplyDeleteThat is precisely the term Kelly, but I cannot remember where I read it. I will definitely follow up, hopefully at the end of the week.
DeleteI know how you feel, TB. I've been there for years. I keep going though, because that's what God wants me to do. That being said, I pray on many occasions for a new "set of orders." I'm a retired military man. When in the military, I'd get a set of orders, which meant a new job in a new place. Be patient, TB, and wait on God. His timing is perfect...
ReplyDeletePete - My friend, you have hit the nail on the head. It feels precisely like I am in a waiting room now, waiting for a new set of orders - and getting impatient while I wait. I do need to focus more on the here and now, but this is a place where I have been before that presages change.
Delete"Only the 'thrown-away' who have descended to the depths will prove useful in the time of need." I'm sure you know where that is from...
ReplyDeleteYou also just went through a strong experience. Some people respond with ennui (not a serious enough word) or a numbing afterward. I hope it is brief, but dig into it and see what you come up with.
Caryn, you have flummoxed me! (Not a bad thing) I do not know the quote, but it expresses a beautiful sentiment.
DeleteI had given some thought to that as well - it has been a rather long six months and even now, things are not fully settled.
I’m there too. Been holding the poopy end of the stick for a long time now. I’m getting near the end of what I had no plan for. I hope I can keep it together past that point. Stress got me on the end of an oxygen line. Not sure when I can go back home. But hopefully soon.
ReplyDeleteI’ll ditto Glen. When the love begins to fade Do some first works.
Stxar
STxAR - I am more than confident that you can keep it together, with God's help. I continue to pray for you, my friend.
DeleteIt's been my experience that a fair amount of learning takes place during times such as this. I suspect that is what will happen for you, and I look forward to hearing more. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bob. Your experience reflects my experience as well, so long as I am able and willing to pay attention to the learning and not the funk.
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