The "Working" Manager

Sitting in a business meeting yesterday I made a startling revelation.

I sat there with a group of individuals like myself, manager or project manager types, discussing the investigation and possible procurement of a type of support equipment. As I sat there listening to the ebb and flow of conversation as I was not really impacted by this, I realized that the senior individual in the room, a director-level position, was seemingly the one to whom the meeting was addressed even though it was not initially their problem. By a series of questions from this person others expressed what they knew, and by the end of the meeting this individual had organized an action plan - for which they themselves had no action items.

As I walked back across the business campus mulling this over in mind, I suddenly saw this meeting repeated again and again in my mind: a group of individuals who does the work is brought together, a senior or executive management member reviews the situation, asks a few questions, and offers some comment, and everyone walks away with the individuals having more work and the management members having made the decision.

This is not to suggest that senior/executive managers do not work hard - I know that they do! - but to grapple with the concept of where that line occurs in a career.

In all of my management positions I have been told it's a "working manager" position, the idea apparently being that managers need to "work" as well as "manage" and "make decisions." What I've come to find over time is that this concept of a working manager "works" only sometimes depending on the industry - and almost never in terms of advancement in house.

If the essence of management is learning to make and execute decisions - and by execute at that level, I mean "ensure that it is executed" - then the working manager is always in a bind. They cannot truly focus on executing decisions as they have a quota of work which they're always expected to produce as well as "manage" the work under them. What this creates is a situation that most will never rise to the level of decision maker because they will never have reached that quota of work as well as have made the decisions to manage that they are to have made. Even delegation only goes so far in this case, as one does not want to appear that one is not "working".

How can this be changed to an advantage? I think part of the groundwork has to be laid up front coming into the position by clarifying that "working manager" means that while some work will be done, the management and decision side is equally important both to the company and a future career at it. The next part is probably learning to get better both at managing the tasks and resources at hand. A small group of anyone cannot do everything, so both expectations and output need to be managed accordingly.

Finally, one simply has to start making decisions and seeing that they are executed by yourself or those around you. The only way to learn is to do it, sometimes sanctioned or not.

Decision makers decide. Working managers work. I know where I'd like to be.

Buttercup's Dad: Are You Ready?

Buttercup (she of the noble prose) received a call this weekend that her father had collapsed. Rushed to the hospital and in ICU for Saturday and Sunday, they were informed on Monday that his body was starting to shut down and that it was time to turn the machines off and let him go. Since that time his body has struggled up and down and at the time of this update, the final outcome is still unknown.

I've never met Buttercup's parents; what I know of them I know only through how she acts and behaves (which is all good). I do know that this was not expected; as Otis related, "We knew his heart was not doing well but we didn't think it would be so soon." Soon - at 61.

But none of us know. That's the thing that hammered at my brain last night, that hammered at me when I got up this morning and sat in front of this keyboard. None of us knows the time of our passing - but we always act like we do:

- We plan our futures, financially and relationally, with what we will have in the future and where we will go and what we will do, not knowing if we will arrive at that future.

- We imagine a death in which we pass being able to communicate with our loved ones and making our peace with God, not knowing if death when it comes will be swifter than we imagine or so filled with pain and delirium that we cannot communicate.

- We put off the important of tomorrow for the urgent of today thinking that we can cheat priorities just this one time, only to find that there is a tipping point to such priorities that we never see until too late.

I have two requests of you as you go about your post holiday work week this week:

1) Remember Buttercup, Otis and their families in your prayers. Undoubtedly the outcome of this, whatever it will be, will result in layers of emotion and adjustment.

2) As you go about your day today, as you go about your plans for the future ask yourself "If I died right now, would I be ready? What three things would I leave undone?"

If you're not ready, both temporally and eternally with God, make yourself so. And then get on doing those three things. Because you never know.

Concentration and Focus

"Concentration is a major key to minute-by-minute success in any endeavor." - Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics

I have made an unusual discovery this weekend: I am a man who works best under a schedule carefully planned.

This is a revelation to me. I have always pictured myself as someone who hated the strictures of a schedule, who did his best work under the free-flowing conditions of doing whatever seemed to come to me at the moment. Reality, however, tells me a different story.

Given an average day, by the time I leave for work I have prayed, done my PT, read my morning Scripture reading, worked on Scripture memorization, read Sun Tzu, read my devotional at the time (Currently The Ladder of Perfection by Walter Hilton), read my success reading for the day, studied my Greek, studied my Gaelic, written my blog, and have caught up on one or more of the sites I follow. This is all accomplished in approximately 1.25 hours.

I compare this with weekends or holidays, where I don't have to "get up", and have that time that I don't have to spend on pesky work. The reality is, I am far less productive in all aspects of my life - spiritual, relational, personal - than I am during the week. The difference: I perceive that my time is much more limited, therefore I work to use it as effectively as possible.

The lesson is straightforward: if I want to get the same mileage out of all my time, I need to follow the same pattern.

I have never liked lists, never liked planning (although strategy is something I am coming to grips with). However, I am going to like getting to the end of my life (whether today or 40 years hence) realizing all the time I wasted because I didn't want the "burden" of planning.

Decisions To Be Made

Feeling torn this morning at the Tuning Fork in the road.

I have three possibilities that are presenting themselves: one involves a higher position and more money but separation from my family more often, one involves staying in New Home but a lower position (possibly equal pay), and one involves just staying where I am right now.

I say torn because I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach that I often get when I am facing a decision which I don't know clearly what to do.

I made a list last night of why to stay and why to go. I came up with half a dozen reasons to stay in the location we are in, and only two reasons to change jobs (one of them - be fair - is that I so often have problems at my current location).

But money is not enough of a reason to change - I made that decision twice before, and neither time has it gone very well for me - The Firm, and then the job that indirectly moved us to New Home.

It's good to have opportunities - why am I so reluctant to make a choice?

Tuning Forks in the Road

The thought of a tuning fork occurred to me this morning as I was contemplating not only our first full year in New Home, but the reality of decisions that are upcoming. We are, as they say, reaching forks in the road which, once taken, can never be gone back on.

As I thought about the forks (both real and metaphorical) it occurs to me that really they are not just forks in the road, but tuning forks in the road.

For those of you that have never done music, you may have heard of a tuning fork. It's a metal implement resembling a fork (except with two prongs) which is struck on a surface to produce a pitch by which individuals and instruments can attune themselves to. The clear tone produced gives the performer an audible tone to adjust to, rather than a visual sign by a typical tuning meter. It can be a much more difficult process.

When we treat decisions as forks, we assume that there is a standard by which we are making that decision i.e. money, time, goals, etc. Based on what is going in my life, we say, how can I make the best decision to serve my own goals. But if we treat it purely as an objective decision without any reference to our heart or God's heart, we miss a valuable input into which decision is more correct.

Which is why decisions should be tuning forks in the road. When a decision is a tuning fork, we align our heart not to the externals, but to the internals: if God is resonating in my life (which He should be), what about this decision attunes my heart to the tone that I am hearing? As the process of tuning is one of aligning an instrument to the perfect pitch, so our decision making - our forks in the road - should be a process of attuning ourselves more and more to God and His will for our lives.

It takes practice, of course. Unlike regular decisions, tuning fork decisions require us to learn to listen carefully to the tone provided - and then adjust our lives and decisions to that. It will be awkward as we continue to adjust the various slides that improve our pitch, creating some fairly awful (and irreproducible) noises from our instruments.

But what a wonder to arrive at our destination with our lives in tune with the Master Instrument Maker, ready to perform in a far larger orchestra than any of our earthly decisions could have given us.

Halfway

Today is June 30th (pretty much everywhere, except if you are on a different planet in this solar system and even then, it would still be June 30th here). What's the significance, the gentle reader may ask?

Simple. 2010 is halfway over today (Again, I realize that it's not truly halfway; it's only 181 days so the true "halfway point" will be July 4th. In months it is the halfway point. Deal with it).

Everything I intended to do this year is either halfway complete (highly unlikely) or is going to get truncated into the last 6 months (more likely). All the grandiose plans I had in January are, for the most part, still grandiose and (apparently) still stuck in January, waiting for me to engage the winch of activity and haul them up to the rest of the year.

How about you, dear reader? Where are your plans and goals? How about those items you intended to get to this year, that you made a commitment (dreaded words) to do? Were the milestones mapped out, the daily, weekly and monthly items in place as signs of where you were? Or, like me, did you just suddenly realize that it became a jumbled pile of things you wanted to do like the pile of clothes which, have run out of time to sort, you just starting cramming into the washer hoping the colors don't bleed?

Take heart. There's still half a year (or a bit more if you count by days). Get busy.

Carpe Diem.

The Fingerprints of God

I'm sensing the fingerprints of God running over my life right now.
It's not something that I can directly point to:
No Red Sea split asunder, no fire from Heaven.
Instead, it's a gentle sense of things moving
in one direction seamlessly.

Seamlessly?
Exactly.
The effort that is may be intense, but there is no sense of the striving
that comes when I push things myself.
Just little petals opening on their own
until the fully bloomed flower has appeared, as if by magic.

It is amazing how that,
by letting God have His way,
life flows like a river
insteading of chopping like a sea.

The Sound of Silence

Running late yesterday morning to Sunday School, I elected to drop off Nighen Gheal and step into a classroom to avoid disturbing my usual class. I picked up on my theme of courage, prayed, and opened my Bible.

As I sat there, reading in Exodus and Acts, I suddenly realized how quiet it was - beyond the hum of the air conditioning, nothing. I next realized how focused I was on God's Word, how my inner dialogue had quieted down and I was focused on what I was reading.

How is this? I have time at night and in the morning to read the Bible, with a quiet house when I do - yet I do not reach this quiet attitude of trust and focus.

I realized it is because when I am home reading God's word and praying are just another two items on my "To Do" list. I know I need to do it - but I also know that there are many other things that I "need" to do, so I push through as quickly as possible to get on to the next thing.

And I wonder why I feel so destitute of God so much of the time. He's become another "To Do" item to complete, rather than a relationship to build and enjoy.

Which says something about my priorities - and how they need to change.

Courage

"The mark of the great commander, the excellent leader, the tremendously successful person is courage, and courage is always expressed in the willingness to go forward, to face danger, to take risks with no guarantee of success. All great success is achieved as the result of offensive action, doing something different, and usually faster and more forcefully than your competitor can react. Fortunately, courage is a virtue that can be developed by exercising and practicing it whenever it is required." - Brian Tracy, Victory

Where is the concept of courage in the 21st Century? Where is the concept of courage in 21st Century Christianity? In our politics? In our morals? In our daily lives?

Among the aspects of a free people is the courage to be free. Freedom to believe, freedom to speak, freedom to act are not passive things. Inherently they are active - even the noun freedom indicates a state in which something can be done.

But we have come to treat them as one more item on a list that are heirs to rather than things to be exercised and preserved.

Courage is a difficult thing. It means going forward when all others may be against you, when circumstances may be against you, for that thing which is right and noble and just. As Christians, we should (above all) have courage, both because we know the Creator of the story and we know the ultimate ending.

But too often I find myself quiet when I should be speaking, laughing when I should remain silent, and standing still when I should be acting. Why? Because in the end, I too often lack the courage of my convictions.

Where is the witness of courageous Christians? Not somewhere overseas being persecuted (which is happening all too frequently these days), but here? And not the "poster child" types which the media takes glee in promoting as representative, but garden variety style Christians being true (but bold) for the Gospel?

I realize that they will never make the press the way the flamboyant (and easy targets) will, but surely we should hear something more of them?

Is it possible that we have relegated courage only to certain things and certain areas, or that we have been trained to do so? "Exercise your courage for this thing (which is noble because we as society define it so), but passively accept this (again, because we define it so)."

Could it be that we have traded relevance for courage, hoping that this will accomplish God's work? If so, we have taken a fool's bargain: if there are any historical or social movements where such a philosophy has worked, I cannot bring it to mind.

If so, then we need to repent - like we do for any other sin. We have placed too much trust in our methods, and not enough in our God. God commands us to be courageous, not relevant, and makes no promises as to the temporal results: the apostles were bold in testimony but were beaten, persecuted, and mostly martyred.

Am I willing to be courageous for the Gospel?

Pettiness

I continue to be amazed at how petty I can be.

Oh, I'm better than I used to be of course - I don't hang on to things for hours on end like I used to do, grinding my teeth in frustration every time that person walks by or that situation is brought up again. I'm not as sharp with my tongue about things as I used to be, giving at least some semblance of thinking before I speak.

But none the less, pettiness continues to ooze out the ground of my soul. I find myself not just disagreeing, but attacking; not just unhappy, but combative; not just decisive, but reprimanding.

Why is this? Am I so insecure in my own skin that I need to have the "oneupsmanship"? Do I need vindication every time - if not in fact, then in word? Do I so need to be respected that I will engage in pettiness just to get sympathy or fit in?

When I write it like that, I am reminded of a character from C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce of an individual who has complained so much through life that they have literally turned into a grumble. By continuing to engage in pettiness, do I continue to become more petty until I am nothing but a petty, a small insignificant soul shrunken by my preoccupation only able to speak of the things that others do wrong?

I'm seen its opposite in pride: a bold pride, which tolerates no element of perceived slight or injustice or sense of being wrong. What it creates is a person who is passionate and bold of action but is (ironically) shrunken as a person: small, mean, often picking at the littlest of details or imagined slights.

Is life not grand enough - is God not majestic and glorious enough -am I not forgiven enough - that I have the need to focus on the smallest and least significant things?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Quote: "Within 5 years, 80 percent of all products or services offered today will either be obsolete or significantly modified from their current form." - Brian Tracy, Victory

What is changeless and what is changing? This is a question which runs me over from time to time, especially brought to the forefront of my mind from quotes like the one above.

I've also read elsewhere that a similar ratio - 70-80% - of everything one learns in college has the same shelf life i.e. with 5 years, it has become obsolete or overridden. For me this was poignantly demonstrated in 1990, when Eastern Europe fell apart and the semester of class I took on Communist Party Structures fell into the waste heap of history.

In the business world with the advent of globalization this has become equally apparent: challenges and new products are coming from everywhere, 24 hours a day. Educated individuals - the "knowledge workers" - have the ability to easily move around, thus porting their knowledge from one location (or country) to another.

In the midst of this seeming cycle of change, adapt, or die how does one figure out what to keep and what to change?

Surely jettisoning everything old simply because it is new is not the answer. As Os Guinness has said, when the church attempts to become culturally relevant, it ties itself to the culture of the time and when the culture changes, the church will only speak to that particular culture, thus dooming itself to a slow and irrelevant death.

In education, the shunning of old ways of teaching for new does not seem to have significantly improved the output of students. Indeed, we are putting out more students which are less prepared than ever for a world where education and preparation is everything.

At the same time, old is not necessarily bad. Certainly in agriculture, local farms and the "organic food" movement have demonstrated that things can be done profitably, without some or all of the benefits of modernization, and still produce a quality product. And not all technology has gone on to significantly improve our lives - or even function correctly.

And this does not even touch on the most important items, the core values which we all hold as individuals - whether consciously or not. As The Preacher said in Ecclesiastes, "There is nothing new under the sun" - every potential for new social movements or new beliefs has been followed in history; we need only study it to learn from it.

So how do we navigate this brave new world, between the Scylla of "Change, Adapt or Die" and the Charybdis of "Change for the sake of change is not always good?"

We have to stop and think.

To simplify, it's exactly likes choosing a new technology. There are four questions to ask:

1) Why am I doing this? Will this result in an improvement, or am I just doing it because I want to look cool/be relevant/have the latest?

2) What am I replacing? Is what I am discarding truly obsolete?

3) What does history or experience tell me about this change? What are the potential or probable effects of this change?

4) Is it right? In my case, does this help me glorify God more or less?

Change is not bad and not in and of itself to be feared. But when we change for the sake of change, when we change for the sake of external appearance, when we change without pondering the impact, we will still change - but for the worse.

Realigning My Time and Objectives

I am struggling this week with (yet another) reorganization of how I use my time and how I schedule my goals at work.

One outcome of this reading I've doing on personal development and business (all thanks to Otis!) is that I am coming to see O So Clearly how I continue to fall short of the mark. Simply put - and every book you read on personal development or management will tell you this -you are a lot less effective and time savvy than you think.

As part of this exercise, I have restarted the practice at work of logging my time in increments. I've divided what I do into 10-12 broad categories and track it in 5 minute intervals. The results have been astounding - both in what takes my time up (3 broad areas have absorbed 75% of my time in the last two weeks) and how I spend my time (who knew that I liked to talk to people so much?).

The other thing this exercise has revealed is how truly abominable I am - and in fact, most everybody is - at sticking to objectives and goals while working in a dynamic environment. Things range from the "fire-fighting" mentality of dealing with the problem at hand to the "laser" mentality of focusing on one item to the exclusion of all other items that need attention. In both cases what has gone missing is the ability to accomplish a multitude of tasks over a variety of fronts for a long period of time - in other words, I have some ability to plan a strategy but apparently no ability to execute it.

The other interesting thing about this exercise is that I find that this is exactly reflected in my own personal life. My ability to manage my time and manage towards goals is no different at home than it is at the office - in other words, the perceived flaws are consistent throughout my life.

So here's the question: now that I have started to get a handle on how I spend my time, how do I align what I do with the level of importance that items should merit?

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm.

It's lacking at my current place of work - not just among one or two people, but across departments and buildings. You can see it a number of ways: how early people show up (and how much more at an ordinary time they do now), how quickly they leave at the 8 hour mark, how items which used to not cause friction generate a considerable issue now.

So what is enthusiasm? How does one get it - or lose it?

Enthusiasm, per the www.merriam-webster.com definition, is "a strong excitement or feeling; something inspiring zeal or fervor." The root Greek word entheos literally means "in god", the idea that God is in you inspiring you.

So let's rephrase the question: what inspires strong excitement, feeling, zeal or fervor?

- Emotions.
- A Mission.
- A Purpose.
- Things we care about (whether significant or banal: sports, for example, can inspire a great deal of enthusiasm).

Interestingly, the common theme apparent to me as I look at these is that it involves a relationship between a person and something outside them, a connection in between their hearts and an idea or item that they feel, that becomes or is made important to them.

Is that is? That in our work, our lives, our relationships and our Christian walk we have failed to build a connection or relationship, that we presume that something important to us is important to all? Or could it be that we have become too lazy to build that relationship, seeking to substitute authority and power?

Be not mistaken. Building enthusiasm in others is hard. In essence, you are building that bridge between them and the thing that you want to create enthusiasm about. You have to convince different people of different backgrounds and concerns that this item is worthy of the relationship and worthy of the time that it will take to build it and the cost of getting there. It's finding new ways of restating the same thing, of finding different connections to help others connect with what you see.

It's difficult. It's long. But try going without the benefit of an enthusiastic group for a while and you discover how high the cost is for not building it in.

Mine! Mine!

I was reminded yesterday that my life is not my own - hasn't really been for a long period of time.

Yesterday, getting into the car to spend my carefully hoarded birthday money, the air conditioning on my car started to make a horrible grinding noise when idling. This was added to the starter on the van suddenly quitting the day before.

I had felt okay about it on Saturday - initially freaking out, I went through our finances and suddenly was feeling better about everything. Then, yesterday comes and I'm right back where I started from.

Initially I was angry, although I tried to control it. "It's mine, mine!" I screamed in my mind driving around yesterday thinking grim thoughts about other places that we could cut to make sure the work was paid for and I got to salvage something. Then I was reminded of a saying Larry Burkett used: "God promises to meet our needs, but not necessarily our wants". The very reason that I had that money may be to pay for this without crippling our family budget.

But those wants - picking up a theme I had been mulling over this weekend - extended not just to money but to fundamental root of life itself, time. I tend to regard my time at work as my own, the payment that I get for having to commute to and work at a place I don't particularly care for. The reality is (much like my money) my time is not really for me: it's for my God and my family. That's the reason I have it.

If I start from that perspective it changes everything: when I leave for work, what I do before work, what I do after work (i.e. what do I do while my kids are still awake), what goals I set for myself with hope of achieving.

If I don't get to do all my projects before I die, it has little eternal impact. If I fail to serve God and lead my family, it has a huge eternal impact.

Thought for the Day

"Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeliness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, no so much for the sake of my own happiness (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities."
- Diary of David Brainerd, entry for 17 May 1747; The Life and Diary of Daivd Brainerd, Missionary to the Indians by Jonathan Edwards

Family Goals

The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were talking, among other things, about goals for our family - and how we don't seem to have any.

It's a bit of a bizarre thing to consider - your family is, by default, something you spend much of your time immersed in, sort of like a fish living in the very thing that he breathes and draws nourishment from: he doesn't think of it as something outside of the way he lives every day. And sometimes we get so busy with what we think family goals are - earning a good living, having well behaved children, praying on a regular basis, spending "time" with our spouse - that we forget those are really activities, not goals to achieve; metrics, if you will, of "how" we're doing, not "what "we're doing.

The next curious thing is that even if we have goals, we may have them only internally to ourselves while thinking that they are best for the family. A goal is not a goal - really - unless all the participating parties are invested in it. I can say "I'd like to go to Disneyland" but unless everyone agrees and thereby makes the sacrifices to make it happen, it won't happen - even though I want it to and will act in my own way to see it fulfilled.

The final curious thing is that it's not something that is widely thought, I think. Businesses have goals, individuals have personal goals - but families often seem exempt or immune from this idea that "unless you know where you're going, you'll never get there". This is one thing I appreciate about Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He emphasizes goals ("Begin with the end in mind") not only for individuals, but for families as well.

So your family goals? Got them? Know them? Have written them down?

Fasting

I'm trying a fast today.

One thing I have realized as I have been reading and thinking this last week is that some spiritual activities in my life - prayer, reading Scripture - have come to take a great deal less importance than maybe they should have and certainly less than they should.

Along with these considerations, fasting came to the forefront, both for decision making as well as in general for seeking the will and guidance of God. Interestingly, most pre-20th century authors and biographies of Christians I have read used this practice - another example of something that seems to fallen off the bandwagon in the 20th Century.

So what am I fasting for? Guidance, of course - always guidance. But also an attempt, in my own broken way, to seek God's face more closely.

Rebellion and Submission

I had an interview yesterday.

It was for a manager position at a company located about 17 hours away. It was a good interview - in fact, the second best interview of my life in its challenges and questions.

In the end, the discussion came down to two things: 1) What guarantee is there that I won't move away again (I have a history of short stays at companies)? ; 2) What is my industry background and how do I compensate for the lack of a typical one?

We left the conversation at a "Let's think about it and touch bases next week." However, driving home after that, I had a keen sense that God wanted to talk to me about it - one of those "I don't know how, I just know" things.

So after dinner, after dishes, after the rabbits and grocery shopping, I came home and read the last two chapters of Lord, Change my Attitude Before It's Too Late by James MacDonald. The last two chapters were "Replacing an Attitude of Rebellion..." "...with an Attitude of Submission".

Ouch.

There it was, written by someone other than me. The key to my unhappiness, to my constant job changing, to a plethora of things I had faced at my previous church. Rebellion and Submission.

I have always thought that my job moves were normal, that they were good and necessary and smart on my part. Could it be that I changed jobs so much because I was in rebellion towards those who were over me?

Could it be that when I went to The Firm, it was in rebellion, ultimately to God, about where I was and what I was doing?

Could my job change from the last but one be the same thing?

And church in Old Home - how I clung to the idea of being an elder, or a deacon, or even a teacher. In ever case, they didn't work out - in fact, I clung to teaching even after I was told I would not be officially sponsored, even turning down opportunities to co-lead a larger group? Was it a rebellion against authority?

MacDonald makes the point that if we are in rebellion, we are ultimately in rebellion against God. If in rebellion, then we are out from His authority and if out from under His authority, we place ourselves in a position of great risk. Says MacDonald:

"I'm amazed at how many people's lives are nothing more than the sum total of decisions they've made to get out from under worthy authority - bad choices and their consequences that follow, often for the rest of their lives."

That's me.

My life is more defined by jobs I've left than jobs I've remained at, losses rather than gains (first The Firm, then our house - at a not unsubstantial sum of money), and ministries removed by God than exercised.

And here I am - miles from family and friends, no permanent home that we own, redlining financially - contemplating moving again? Uprooting my family even as they attempt to become established where they are?

Why? I can come up with lots of justifications: not liking the current sub-field of my employment, ethics, boredom, lack of resources, my management. But for a great many reasons, I'm forced to admit that I am simply in rebellion to the fact that I am not in charge and not "happy" or "fulfilled" on a daily basis.

So what do I do about this?

In a way it's amazingly simple: repent. In a way it's amazingly hard. Submit.

Submit. Submit to where God has placed me, under whom God has placed me. Submit to the fact that this "need" to move is simply a dream, a feeling, a real version of the rich inner fantasy life I have always had. There are no dragons to slay or worlds to explore; neither are there perfect jobs to be had.

Of course I rise up within myself as I write this. Submit? Oh, indeed submit: submit to a job that dead ends, to a life of a job that you can tolerate and leaders who will command poorly. Submit to never getting ahead, of being what you are for the rest of your working life. Submit to whatever dreams you may have being laid waste in a foreign desert.

But that's where faith comes in.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path.
Be not wise in your own eyes:
Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." - Proverbs 3:3-5

By submitting, one is putting one's faith in God. Faith that He can (and will) see and hear us. Faith that by bearing up, He is glorified - and we are rewarded.

I fear, of course. Fears of being trapped, fears of being useless, fears of (frankly) never getting financially ahead, fears of never doing anything that I want.

But God is good. The question is, will I submit - or continue in rebellion?

To Become the Enemy

"To become the enemy" means to think yourself in the enemy's position. In the world people tend to think of a robber trapped in a house as a fortified enemy. However, if we think of "becoming the enemy", we feel that the whole world is against us and that there is no escape. He who is shut inside is a pheasant. He who enters to arrest is a hawk. You must appreciate this.
In large scale strategy, people are always under the impression that the enemy is strong, and so tend to become cautious. But if you have good soldiers, and if you understand the principles of strategy, there is nothing to worry about.
In single combat you must put yourself in the enemy's position. If you think, "Here is a master of the Way, who knows the principles of strategy", then you will surely lose. You must consider this deeply." -Miyamoto Musashi, The Water Book, A Book of Five Rings.

How often do we let the perceptions of our opponents - be they people, things, movements, or our emotions - control how we react to them? How often do I let what I think they will do or what power I believe they have control what I do?

Often I build up events or forces or people to the point that I either fear to act or every time I act it is a great battle ready to be enacted. How seldom have I looked at their view - not precisely in empathy, but in seeing how they view me and the same circumstances we are in. Could it be in some situations - nay, in most - I am ceding the ability to act through my fear?

"He who is shut inside is a pheasant. He who enters to arrest is a hawk."

I must appreciate this.

Christian Effectiveness

Over the last two weeks, I have being acquainting/reacquainting myself with new friends and old. The new (courtesy of Otis): Mark Driscoll, Senior Pastor of Mars Hill (Vintage Jesus, Death by Love) and Matt Batterson, Lead Pastor of National Community Church (Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity); the old: Francis Schaeffer (Francis Schaeffer: An Authentic Life, He is There and He is Not Silent). It's not the first time I've read Schaeffer, but it is the first time for the others.

The other two - and at least one other author I've read, Joshua Harris (Stop Dating the Church) are, I would argue, indicative of a movement in Christianity: young (late twenties-mid thirties) pastors starting non-denominational missionary churches, culturally seeking young people in the twenties and thirties who have been "turned off" by traditional mainline denominations, seeking to reinvigorate Christianity. I think there is an argument to made that they are the logical extension of Schaeffer, who believed that the church needed to be involved in the culture around it - and influenced.

Based on what I know these gentlemen through secondhand knowledge and biographies, they are successful in attracting the demographic and have (I think -don't know if anyone has studied this) largely pioneered the use of "campus" locations, where the preaching pastor is broadcast to all locations allowing multiple members to benefit from their teaching.

My question - and this is a question not just for these gentlemen, but for all Christianity (especially in the United States) is: Are you effective?

Christian Effectiveness. There's an oxymoron. "We're Christian. We're dealing in spiritual matters. How can you suggest that we 'measure' how we're doing? It's a work of God, after all. It's not a mechanical thing."

That's true. Matters of God never can be precisely placed into categories or units. At the same time, a great deal of time an energy can be spent on a project, only to discover in the end that the project failed to have any impact or do what it was supposed to. One reason: There were no metrics in place to verify how the project was doing.

Let me be clear: I have enjoyed what I have read of this men. They appear to be orthodox, passionately in love with God, and have a heart for people. In the case of Driscoll and Batterson, they lead large groups of people in some of the most Christ-less cities in the nation.

But are they creating effective Christians?

What is an effective Christian? I ask this question in the context of a nation that more and more is pulling away from God rather than towards it. In the Old Testament, a revival in the Jewish faith and service to God is always followed by a societal impact. Time and time again in the Books of Kings and Chronicles, you see where the King of Israel (David, Solomon) and the Kings of Judah (Asa, Jehoshaphat, Joash & Uzziah [at least the first part of their lives], Hezekiah and Josiah) turn their hearts and their hearts of their people towards the Lord. Inevitably, pagan idols are thrown down and wicked practices are halted.

Can the same be said of us today?

Fine. If you want to measure effectivity, you need a metric. What is the Christian metric?

That is a good question - one I'm not sure I have a full grasp on. I have some initial thoughts though:

Matthew 28: 19-20 - The Great Commission:
a) Make disciples of all nations (What's a disciple? How do we make one?)
b) Baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit (What
is baptism? What does it represent? How do we do it in the way that Christ intended?)
c) Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you (What things did Christ
command? What does "observe them" mean?)

Matthew 22: 34-40 (also Mark 12: 28-34) - The Greatest Commandment
a) You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your
mind/strength (What does it mean to love God with all of these?)
b) You shall love your neighbor as yourself? (Who is my neighbor? How do I love myself?
How should I love them?)

Acts 2: 40-47 - Growth of the Church, especially verse 42
"They continued steadfastly in"
a) The apostles' doctrine (What was the doctrine of the apostles?)
b) Fellowship (How is fellowship used here? What does it mean?)
c) The breaking of bread (How do we do communion? How should we do it?)
d) In prayers (How did they pray? What did they pray? How do we do these two things?)
e) How do we "continue steadfastly in these things?

This is an incomplete list to be sure and I've no idea how we would objectively measure or apply these metrics. I suspect that the book of Acts - as the history of the early church - would give us the greatest guidance in what the early church considered an "effective witness of Christ".

But we have to start somewhere. More is not always better, and the Bible clearly teaches that a change in people's hearts is reflected primarily in their lives and secondarily in their culture. To the degree that nothing has changed in ourselves or in our culture, I submit that the church has lost its effectiveness -its qualities of salt and light, and therefore its witness.

Surprise!

This morning it suddenly became time for my periodic blog backup (periodic in the sense that I've only done it once before). It's an unsophisticated process - copying the webpage by month, watching the cursor scroll down to the bottom, then transferring it to a Word document and pasting it. Rinse and repeat.

Out of a sense of curiosity as I did this, I decided to calculate the word count. It's a rough guess of course, and I had to create a calculation to deduct those items that I don't author but blogspot pastes in. Still, I was curious as to the amount of words.

Estmate as of 11 June 2010: 503,130 words.

Surprise!

I say surprise because this actually stuns me. I have convinced myself that I may be able to write small things, but I could never write something as long as a book. Too many words, don't you know.

The reality of this morning is yes, I could. The roadblock I have to get around is that it's not all written at one time, but one word at a time, day by day.

It's not in the parts, but in the whole that we see the sum of our efforts.

People Who Fight People

I find myself in a constant struggle between how I should act with people and how I do act with people.

I am no different than so many other people: I tend to like and react well to those who like me, and tend to dislike and not react well to those who dislike me. Further, I often find myself in conversations about those with whom I have difficult relations - the "banding together against a common foe."

But in the big picture is that good? Is that Christlike?

There often seems to be a fine line between disagreement and dislike, especially in the employment environment. I can - and often do - disagree profoundly with managers and coworkers, yet it often does not achieve the level of a personal affront or indignity. We get up, we go on our way, and we do our jobs without rancor or distrust.

But other times it results in precisely all of those things: we disagree profoundly, we are affronted, and we leave in rancor or with anger - often not about the situation itself, but about how it was handled.

So what's a Christian to do?

How does one pursue the common calling all Christians while grappling with the extingencies of personal relations on a day to day basis?

The key - perhaps - is grace.

Grace realizes that God has dealt generously with me even though I did not deserve it. Grace realizes that most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are broken and sinful, even as I am broken and sinful. Grace realizes that a host of factors - youth, age, experience, inexperience - contribute to how individuals see others and the world around them. And grace realizes that what's important is not the here and now, not the one upsmanship of daily life, but rather than coming of eternity and where these people we laugh with, laugh at, argue with, amuse, and become angry at are going to be without Christ.

I am far from a master at this, but realization is the first step in dealing with a problem. I need to look through the problems created to see the individuals underneath.

Flying Home

Venus blazes white
as a ribbon of azure
sits above dark clouds.

Strands of gray cotton
block out the lights of living:
Descending to earth.

Priorities

"Courage rather than analysis dictates the truly important rules for identifying priorities:

- Pick the future as against the past;
- Focus on opportunity rather than on problem;
- Choose your own direction - rather than climb on the bandwagon;
- Aim high, aim for something that will make a difference, rather than for something that is "safe" and easy to do."

- Peter Drucker, The Effective Executive (p. 111)

How do we identify priorities in our lives? How do we identify what we will spend our time on?

At least for myself, too often I let my priorities be dictated by either 1) the circumstances around me; and 2) other people. And this is not just true in my work environment - it's true in every aspect of my life.

If I look at the list that Drucker has above, I find that I fall down in all aspects:

1) I tend to focus on the past in the sense that I tend to accrete additional priorities instead of making a list and then discarding ones that are no longer relevant or important. In that sense, I am a "pack rat" of priorities instead of pruning out ones that are no longer relevant.

2) I tend to focus on problems - what can't be done - rather than opportunities - what can be done.

3) I have tended to often jump on the projects and priorities of others rather than choosing my own priorities. The Firm is one example of this: if I truly examine things in the light of honesty, what I find is that a large part of my wanting to do it was the "fear" that I would be left behind in a success rather than being truly convinced that this was the way I should go in my life. Uisdean Ruadh has often commented to me in the regard that I have more often chosen the roads of others than the road of myself.

4) I am often trapped between my desire to want to make a difference and contribution against the reality that I need to be "practical". The two often seem at odds with each other: that which can make a difference is often different from the "safe" path of life.

The good news is, one can change one's priorities.

I find myself at an interesting crossroads of my life: in a place in which we are removed from family yet we like, in a job that is not outstanding but can be borne and improved, in many ways at the point of "restarting" large portions of our spiritual, financial, and personal lives.

What a great time to re-examine my priorities - and take action.

Atypical

Today is an atypical morning.

Due to travel arrangements, I did not get up at my usual time of 4:45 AM. I did not begin my rituals of praying, making coffee, reading until 5:30 AM and eating breakfast, nor at 5:30 AM did I feed the rabbits. I didn't get on the computer at 5:40 AM and blog or scan the news, get in the shower at 6:15 AM and leave the house by 6:35 AM.

An atypical morning.

The whole thing is somewhat revealing in its atypicalness - it is amazing how just doing the same things in a slightly different order or at a slightly different time seems to completely upset my state of mind. Instead of traveling in the typical paths, it's as if the mind is off on it's own erratic course: starting out straight then crashing into one curve in the road followed by careening into the other side, all accompanied by fireworks and "The 1812 Overture".

But in atypicality (is that even a word) lies the seeds of brilliance.

A rut, it has been said, is a grave with both ends kicked out. Scheduling is great - in fact, I could use more of it in my work life where I am constantly torn hither and yon by individuals and needs which are not directly my own. At the same time, there's a subtle change - so subtle I wonder if one is conscious of it - that changes a schedule to the way we've always done it, then to a rut, then to a collapse into a heap if one thing is out of order. Only the occasional (or not so occasional) atypical moment stops us in our tracks, makes us halt and look around us - and in that looking, to see possibilities and ideas and the wildflowers on the side of the road that we would never see.

So here I'll sit, drinking coffee long after I would be typically gone from home, looking for that insight and those wildflowers on the side of the road.

Sanctified

"And for their sake I sanctify Myself, that they may also be sanctified by the truth." - John 17:19

This verse leapt out at me this morning as I did my morning New Testament reading - again, one of those verses that has been there the whole time, but never spoke to me before.

Sanctification - the process of being set aside and progressively being made more holy - is one which permeates both the Old and New Testament. It is what God seeks of His children, a process in which we participate but do not originate or complete, and enables us to become even brighter lights in a dark world.

So the sanctification aspect did not catch my eye.

What did catch my eye was the statement "For their sakes I sanctify Myself."

I am constantly reminded - indeed overwhelmed - by all that Christ has done for me. But here's another thing - sanctifying Himself, making Himself holy right before his arrest and crucifixion. And why? "That they also may be sanctified by the truth" -as John MacArthur says, "He was totally set apart for the Father's will. he did that in order that believers might be set apart to God by the truth He brought."

Truth. Christ died that we might be set apart by the truth He brought, setting us apart by the death He came to suffer for those who could not save themselves. To mull this over, to realize the implications of a perfect God surrendering His Son to die for the likes of us, should once again overwhelm us with grace and a true sense of unworthiness.

He died to sanctify you.

What have you done for Him today?

New Home Afternoon

Bowed under weightless,
A plant stem touches the soil:
Butterfly takes off.

Managing

In midst of a downhill avalanche of paperwork commonly known as "tasks" at work yesterday, I happened to look at the business card that I keep by my phone to remind of me of my phone number, I happened to catch my title: "Manager".

What, I thought, is a manager? One who manages of course. So what is managing?

Per Webster: "To exercise executive, administrative and supervisory direction of."

Funny I thought, since that doesn't really seem to be what I do.

I am trapped in the role of "working manager", a role that I believe has become more common in the current economic situation. Essentially this is the practice of giving a title of authority while expecting one to function as one being managed as well. It's not just setting goals and directing the overall pace or movement of a department, it's doing the ordinary yet important work of the department as well.

It makes it difficult when pronouncements come down from time to time about "this needs to be done" or "Why haven't you accomplished this - you're X department." In my heart of hearts I want to scream "How can I manage anything when I to busy trying to ensure that things get done?"

It buttressed in my mind my comment yesterday about managing myself because I make the same errors. Managing, at some level, requires an idea of where we are going (that's leadership ) in order to regulate how we get there. No leadership: we tend to follow the path of least resistance. No management: progress towards the goal is lost because no-one is directing how we get there (this paragraph is largely based on Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; I direct you there for a more full discussion).

So what does this mean on a day to day level? I'm not sure - except I have come to the realization that what is happening now is not working and if I want to move on to the next stage of anything, something has to change.

Change Your (L)Attitude

"Whether you think you can succeed or think you can fail, you're right." - Henry Ford

Fear Mor had his "Eat with Senior Management" lunch yesterday - one of those items in which senior management has lunch with employees after they've been at the company for a certain amount of time in order to get a sense of what employees are thinking. Being who he is, Fear Mor popped off the question of what the future of the company was, where we were going. What he was met with was silence, followed by stumbling and groping for answer - generalities without any specifics.

Not a confidence builder in any sense of the word.

But important - an important reminder that for any of us as individuals, we cannot (in the end) rely on any other humans to do what we need to do. The question is fair of leadership of any organization - what's our purpose, where are we headed - but the question is equally fair of myself as well - what's my purpose, where am I headed.

It requires a fundamental rethinking of how we view our own lives - a change of attitude, if you will, about the responsibility each of us shares for our own lives. In other words, the responsibility for where I am, and where I am going, is in the end my own.

This is a hard thing for many (including myself) to accept as responsibility is often associated with the power to execute. "I can't do anything about that" one may whine "because I am only a lowly employee/student/person and don't have the power to influence the direction or purpose of my company/school/relationship".

In many cases I'd actually agree with that sentiment - we don't the power to change the place where we are or many of the conditions under which we live or work. But we do have the power to change both our attitude (in the fact that we are responsible for where we're going) and our latitude (where we work, go to school, with whom we have relationships).

I'm not saying it is easy, nor am I saying that changing our attitude or our latitude can happen overnight. But neither is it an accurate and fair statement to say that we cannot change them at all.

Both our attitude and our latitude are either controlled by ourselves or others. In one case we act as free individuals, in the other we act as slaves.

What's your (l)attitude this morning?

Two Paths

I was confronted this morning as I walked with the specter of two career paths - two paths of which I have not had to choose from for some time.

On one path is the journey of the comfortable, of that which I know today, of working with individuals I enjoy in an environment I know. The chances of achievement are low, in fact probably nil, and the growth that will occur there is minimal, but it is comfortable and known and I like it.

On the other path is the journey of the uncomfortable, of leaving that which is known (and let's be honest - to some extent which I have created), of moving into an environment which will probably be more challenging - but where the chances of achievement are much higher and the growth potential much greater.

I feel that I am facing, in a small way, the initial conceptual challenge that those who move on always feel: do I stay here where I am comfortable, or do I grow? I suppose it's the same concept that moved Lincoln from Illinois or any actor or actress from their hometown to their first theater.

And it's not even a geographical move per se - it's an intellectual move which agrees with and embraces the concept that growth is more important than comfort, and achievement is more important than coasting.

Taking It To The Next Level

This whole question of goals, motivation and purpose has been gnawing at my brain all weekend. A lot of it, I gather, is really due to that fabulous video that was in my last post. Some it, I suppose as well, is due to the fact that in two days I will have reached my one year mark at New Job and New Home, thereby meeting all my contractual obligations and setting the stage for investigating new things with a clean conscience if I so desire.

But I suppose that the wretched Otis is also to blame - in working through concepts for a new blog, he commented "So you're ready to take your writing up to the next level?" I had to correct him a bit - the new blog is professionally related and will not be connected with this essentially on-line journal - but his words stuck with me.

Taking it to the next level.

I'm confronted by this at work as well, as I continue to begin to come into contact with those younger than I who have exceeded my position and my education. I look at where I am and what I do and them and their situation, and realize that there is a level of comfort I have allowed to enter my job which is preventing me from moving forward.

Again, taking it to the next level.

How much of our life becomes rote, a rut (also described as "a grave with two ends kicked out), because we become willing to believe that comfort is our end goal, not striving to better ourselves - not just (or even only) in the material sense, but in the personal and spiritual sense as well? If I fail to challenge myself to higher achievement, it follows that I will fail to lift those around me up to that higher level as well.

It's June - almost mid-year, and a fabulous time to reexamine those goals set at the beginning of the year (for a fabulous article by Jeffrey Gitomer about goals, go here). With half the year left, will I take it up to the next level - or wonder why I am still where I am?

Motivation, Mastery and Purpose

I was introduced Wednesday night to a wonderful online video lecture about companies, motivation, and success. It is apparently part of a largely lecture, but the video has been set to a cartoonist illustrating it as the lecture goes, so it's a pleasure to watch as well as to to listen to. It's about 10 minutes, but it is well worth your time to contemplate what motivates people in their careers - and in their personal lives, as well. It's a great video to contemplate as we go into the weekend.

Computer Glitch - Please Stand By

Computer problems this morning have cornered me into a short post, so today it will a be a series of questions:

1) What were 3 of your goals last year?
2) Did you achieve them?
3) Why or why not?

4) What are 3 of your goals this year?
5) At approximately 50% of the year, are you on your way to achieving them?
6) Why or why not?

7) At approximately 50% of the year, do your goals still correspond to where you want to go?
8) If not, why not?

9) If you're not happy with where you are on your goals, what will you commit to do about it today?

Discouraged

I am just utterly discouraged this morning, the sort of discouragement that stems from the realization that in a large segment of my life, my role is that of window dressing, rather than actually accomplishing anything.

It is a horrible realization, the sensation that suddenly comes when you realize that your knowledge and opinions are valued only to the extent that they can provide the appearance of doing something right, rather than actually doing something right. The policies that you were brought in to put in place, the things that you constantly preach, the examples that you demonstrate - all of these are nothing except a tick mark on the box of things that need to be in place.

You are suddenly confronted with the realization -with any soft lighting or pastel tones - that the things you hoped to instill are actually viewed as nothing more than bolt on, something that can be put in place or removed at the whim of someone else.

And yet, the day faces you and the minutes tick by and you prepare to go do this thing yet again.

It's a sort of Alice In Wonderland experience, this being in place for something that can apparently be turned off at will - and your job is smile, nod benignly, and say "That's okay. It'll all be fine."

A Nagging Feeling

I had the nagging feeling that God wanted to teach me something last night.

I am starting to be confronted by the reality that my contractual obligations are reaching their end here in New Home and I am about to (once again) begin to have options. I've been torn, as on the one hand we continue to enjoy New Home but not my current job, while the thought of where we came from always stays in mind - but to once again uproot everyone to move precipitiously strikes me as the height of foolishness.

So last night, home and exhausted, I suddenly had the feeling that God wanted to - needed to - teach me something last night. If you've ever had that feeling I suspect that you know what it is: a sense that you need to stop doing what your doing and focus on God, a sense that the feeling is so wispy that that if you choose to ignore it you could, even as it a powerful sense of "You should do this now" in your chest.

And for once, I obeyed. Oh not as quickly as I probably should have - I can always come up with something else to do - but I finally did.

This is the part where I'd love to say that some great revelation occurred. I'd love to - except it didn't happen. Yes, I read God's word and a bit of a devotional. Yes, I tried to pray (almost ended up falling asleep!). Yes, I searched (apparently in vain) for an answer to the questions that are vexing me. But nothing (due much more to the listener than the teacher, no doubt).

But maybe that wasn't the point.

Perhaps the point was simply a question of obedience - like I was writing about yesterday, the question of self-will versus self-control: when presented with a sense of God, what was I going to do? Would I, as I so often have, act with self-will and mute the volume and go about my day? Or would I stop what I was doing, exercise self control and listen?

If nothing else, there is a sense that God is there, watching and listening - if only I will pay attention to Him when He calls.

Self Will versus Self Control

As an exercise (and something that I should be doing anyway), I have been working to memorize Titus 1. As I was working through the qualifications of a bishop (vv. 6-9), I was struck by a contrast.

In verse 7, Paul is listing the the negative qualities of an elder, things that he should not be: not self willed, not quick tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money. In verse 8, he lists the positive qualities: hospitable, a lover of good, sober minded, just, holy, self controlled.

As I have continued to roll these verses over in my mind, a contrast began to develop: self willed verses self controlled.

Both of these qualities deal directly with self, not a quality of self as the others are. Both of them deal directly with actions taken by the self. Both of them involve the management of self. Yet one is listed as as undesirable (self will) and one as a virtue (self control).

What is the difference?

Self willed is, pretty simply, running my own life. Whatever my wants or desires are, that's what I do. My thoughts, plans and actions are based around what is good for me - in some cases what is good for me at the moment.

Self control is, interestingly enough, also similar to self willed. It involves thoughts, plans and actions -but they are held accountable to something higher than my need for the moment. Whether it is something simple, like denying myself a dessert to manage my weight or something more involved like avoiding something entirely which is legitimate for others because I tend to sin with it, it involves the placement of all parts of me at the service of a higher purpose - instead of merely serving myself.

Interestingly, the world has adopted both as positives. Self will has become redefined as being true to myself, living my dreams, making goals and achieving them. Self control exists as well, but has been stripped of its higher purpose - to be self controlled for God - and has been reduced to self control for the purpose of serving my self will.

So as I go about my business this morning, am I being self willed - concerned only about my own existence and goals? Or self controlled in pursuit of a higher calling?

Intention and Action

"There is no way of knowing how far intention and action can take you. This world offers not guarantees, only opportunities and vicissitudes. When you reach for the stars you may not get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either." -Michael Michalko, Thinkertoys

Intention and action. Two necessary sides of the same coin.

Without intention, I spend my days wandering in and out of tasks that may or may not have meaning, if I even do those those tasks themselves. Without action, I spend my days dreaming and plotting but never actually doing.

But without intention, there is usually no action. At least in the things that matter, I have to intend to do something before I will actually do it.

So which do I struggle with more? I'd typically say action, as most people probably would. I'm not doing nearly enough on a day to day basis towards ideas and goals beyond the basic efforts of existence.

But if I stop and think about it, I'm forced to confess that a lack of intention is probably my greater weakness.

For years I've maintained that people find the time to do what is important to them. Even in the press of a busy life, there are always those things which are so important to us as individuals that we will manage to eck out time - often sacrificing meals or sleep - to do them.

I could say that I have many intentions, things I'd like to do or want do - but how many of these am I serious about, and how many of them are things I like to dream about but will never do.

A powerful intention will always lead to action. If there is no action, I have to question the claim of the intention behind it.

So what do I intend - not just dream about, but intend. "Well begun is half done" was a saying of Augustus Caesar. If the initiation of beginning is the intention to do, how well begun am I?

A Visit With Fear

"I never take counsel of my fears." - General George Patton

I am a fear counselee. Good Lord, I'm so much a fear counselee that I have a permanent appointment and couch in Fear's office.

As I plopped down on that couch yesterday evening for my daily appointment, Fear looked up from his desk. "Give me a minute" he said. "I've got a few things to take care of here - loss of jobs and potential failures of various things to sign off on."

"No problem" I sighed, settling into the raised pattern of cushions I knew so well as he continued to quietly type away while humming under his breath, until at last he smiled at the screen and hit the "Enter" key with a triumphant hand.

"My apologies for that" he purred as he turned to face me fully. "What can I help you with today?"

"I've got a problem" I replied uncomfortably, not really sure how to begin. "I...I.."

"Go ahead" replied Fear soothingly, his eyes almost seeming to glow at the opportunity. "What is it? Don't -if I may make a pun - be afraid?"

I sighed, mustering my courage. "I'm not having as much fear as I used to. This worries me."

Whatever smooth smile that was on Fear's face was instantly wiped away, replaced by an attitude of concern. "This sounds serious" he said. "Let's discuss this. Surely you're missing something."

I shook my head. "I don't know that I am. I'm just not having as much fear as I used to. It's like I'm trying to deal with my problems instead of hiding from them or allowing them to be bigger in my mind than they are."

Fear shook his head. "That's not it at all. Sounds to me like you're just not seeing things realistically enough. Look at you: Far away from home and family, in a job you're not really in control of, slowly digging your way out financially, in a world of unsettling times - and your relationship with God: is He there, does He care? Let's not start, shall we?" He grabbed for his every present notepad and said "Where shall we begin?"

I shook my head again. "No, I'm pretty certain on this. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. Some, sure, but I'm working on that too."

I thought for a minute in the resulting silence, as the second hand marched across the clock and Fear sat in his desk facing me, fidgeting with his pen. "You know" I said, breaking the silence, "in fact I think I'm better. I'm canceling my appointment for tomorrow."

"But-"

"No no old chap" I said more confidently as I stood up, brushing my pants off, "I can't bother you anymore. I see now that I've got to deal with them, rather than talking about them. It's okay - don't bother to get up. I can see my way to the door."

The last thing I saw before I left the room was Fear sitting in his desk, his eyes staring off into space - looking, of all things, afraid.

Working with What We Have

What if this was as good as things got?

The thought occurred to me yesterday as I was going about the conduct of one aspect of my job, thinking about ways to resolve systemic failure issues. I realized that one of my underlying assumptions is that at some point, new resources would become available to expand the systems in place. Suddenly I realized that this was an assumption that I was making - that I had, in fact, always been making: that things are inevitably always on a path up.

But what if they are not? What if this was truly as good as things got?

What if this was job were the only job I have for the rest of my life (I assume and strive for others)? What if the house we rent became our only house (I assume and strive that we will buy one day)? What if my time, talents, and treasures never grow more than they do today, and the resulting time and effort I have for my family never expands beyond what it is?

Does any of this (truly) change my relationship with God or my effectiveness for Him?

The truth is, I (and perhaps many others) have believed that our path in life is on an arc upward, always improving and moving forward, and perhaps in some benevolently sinister way we have come to believe that this is both an indicator of God's pleasure as well as that things will constantly get better for us personally. The reality is, we tend to confuse these circumstances of life with it's reality.

The reality is, as Phil Vischer says quoting Henry Blackaby, that he who has God plus everything does not have more than he who has God alone.

Which is why I need to take a fresh look at things, not towards some day of change or improvement which may never come but in the light of the concept that what is now is what may always be. Given that, and given that those circumstances are no indicator of what I have or do not have through God, what am I doing to live out His will in my daily life - not with what I would like to have or hope to have, but with what I do?

Rain and Troubles

We suffered a serious weather condition last night.

I'm used to rain in Old Home: long periods of gray with steady rain, sometimes heavy, sometimes tapering off, but always in an orderly fashion with a known and observable pattern of clouds approaching.

Last night in New Home, we had our first true downpour of the year.

It was awe inspiring. The entire day was clear and hot until about 6:00, when a series of clouds came swooping in: large thunderheads raising their heads high into the evening sky. By 6:30 the rains came.

And came. One minute nothing, the next minute a torrent of rain that obscured the outside from the windows and sent water cascading down the parking lots. It continued, increasing and decreasing in intensity, for over an hour accompanied by thunderous booms and flashes of lightening in the twilight sky.

Within an hour and a half it was gone. As I drove on my street, all I could see was the semi-clearing sky, the wet ground, and curls of steam coming off of the pavement.

The point? I've come to expect problems in my life, both spiritual and otherwise, to be like the rainstorms I'm used to: easy to spot, a known pattern, long but predictable periods of rain in prescribed volumes, and then moving away. What I am finding now - at least in my own spiritual life - is that these troubles do not only come in that fashion: they also come out of a sky that seems largely clear for long periods of time, suddenly pouring down in huge volumes with visible and audible demonstrations - and then vanishing. It's not that they're worse - they're just more intense for shorter periods of time. Something to bear in mind during this point of spiritual dryness.

A lesson on spiritual drought through a downpour: what an odd thing.

Struggling

I'm feeling distant from God.

This has been a development over the last few months, perhaps even as much as the last year - which is about the time that I moved. I'm not sure what is driving it, except that I feel unenthused and unenthusiastic.

My prayer life seems - let's be honest, is - much less than it used to be and when I do pray, it feels...forced. Dead. My prayers are pedestrian, and even making those seems like a huge burden.

My time in the Word is in some ways better - I seem to be paying more attention - but even in that I am missing a sense of the communion with God through His Word.

Some Sundays it's been a huge effort to get out the door to church, which is something that is inconceivable to me a year ago. It's not that church is bad - I just get lazy and feel like it's too much effort, although it's no more distant than Old Home church was.

What is wrong with me? And more importantly, what do I do about it?

As Chuck Swindoll would say, it's as if your driving a car and see the "Check Engine" light go on. You don't take a hammer to the light and keep driving - you pull over and see what's wrong.

I can start with the easy things of course: What sin is in my life? What have I not given over to God? How am I acting at counterpurposes with His will?

But a sense of something else permeates my soul, nags at my mind like a dog worrying a toy.

About a week ago I had a dream which is probably significant. In it, I was kneeling before Christ. I've no idea the why-to's or what-for's, but there I was with Him. His question for me was "Have you served me?" "No Lord, I have not" came my response. He nodded, we both acknowledged the truth of the situation - and then like that, I was banished from His presence.

The odd thing is that I feel no less outside of His will than before - after all, the fact that we ended up in New Home at all is a sign that He acted, as this was the only opportunity that came in. The ease of finding a new home, of a new school, a new church - all these speak to me of God sovereignly acting in my life to bring us here.

But now, nothing.

"Create in me a clean heart,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence
And take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me."

- Psalm 51: 10-12

Weather

A hot, humid morning in New Home - 40% chance of rain (which here means that it will rain 40% of the time).

Weather is one of those funny things that you try and plan for when you move, but I don't know that you are ever able to really do so. I knew what the weather was supposed to be like when I came here, and mentally prepared myself for it. In very many ways it lived up to exactly what I thought it would be.

But the thing I failed to prepare for was the overarching effect weather has on all activities. Even inside, weather becomes an issue, especially in summer - do we sweat or run the A/C at 82 F, which makes it tolerable but raises the electric bill. And outside - enjoying things even in the shade with humidity is definitely different than just dealing with the heat itself.

But it's good in an least one sense: it forces me to face another excuse that I can make to myself about not doing something i.e., the weather. The reality is, the weather is always there. To continue to put something off because the weather is "different" or "just humid" is to admit that on some level, I didn't really want to do it. It's the same with everything else I do or want to do: do I immediately look for excuses, or knuckle down and move forward? It's only in the going when you don't want to or can't seem to that character is built.

So I'm off to build character. I'll just need to shower off this sheen of humidity induced sweat first...

Goal Mountains

"We are built to conquer the environment, solve problems, achieve goals, and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve. People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no worthwhile goals."
- Dr. Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics

This passage spoke to me this morning as I got out bed, mulling over the sort of sad mess that was yesterday and the pile of things that are on the plate today. This made total sense to me - but at the same time, I realized that I was missing these sorts of goals.

Dr. Maltz talked about a patient who had received a promotion and suddenly lost his confidence:

"However, once he got the promotion, he ceased to think in terms of what he wanted, but in terms of what others expected of him, or whether he was living up to to the people's goals and standards. He was like a mountain climber who, as long as he looked upward at the peak he wished to scale, felt and acted courageously and boldly. But when he got to the top, he began to look down and became afraid. He was now on the defensive, defending his present position, rather than acting like a goal striver and going on the offensive to attain his goal. He regained control when he set himself new goals and began to think in terms of, 'What do I want out of this job? What do I want to achieve? Where do I want to go?'"

Maltz's solution?:

"Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Decide what you want out of a situation. Always have something ahead of you to look forward to - to work for and hope for. Look forward, not backward. Develop a 'nostalgia for the future' instead of for the past."

Among many of the things listed above (they're good quotes - go re-read them) is the phrase "always have something ahead of you to look forward to." That resonates with me because right now, I really don't have that in a temporal sense (for salvation possibly - but even looking forward to Heaven holds some of the same difficulties for me). Every day to me seems like it will be like every other. There is nothing to look forward to to suggest that tomorrow will be any different.

But that's my fault, Maltz suggests. Nothing is going to magically appear to suddenly give me something to look forward to - that's job. Yes, it may be hard to see right now, but just because it is hard to see does not make it any the less important - if it is hard to see, then I need to do everything I can to make it real.

But that pre-supposes a first thing: one needs to have a goal or goals.

Knowing a Destination

If you don't have a goal, how do you know when you arrived?

I was speaking with Fear Mor yesterday morning about some of my job musings, about the industry I'm working in, and what I am thinking about careers. As the discussion arose, I got to talking about the fact that in other companies I've worked, we tended to work on products that were trying to meet a specific and real need. That was somewhat motivating, I realized: it was a sense of doing good and working for a greater cause.

Then it hit me (these things always seem to, right on the old noggin) that I don't know that I've ever consciously thought of doing this at a company, that I have had the presence of mind to say "Hey, that's something important to me." As I thought and pondered over the subject more, I realized that my work goals heretofore has been pretty much "Money". Trust me - it's important, but not enough to carry you through a career.

It was at that point that the image which I have used before hit me: an actor starting their career. Yes, they originally start out in "B" movies or in small playhouses, but the ones that want to succeed, they don't stay there. They use that experience, train to become better, and move on.

But the other side of that coin is that they know where they are headed. I'm not sure how they do this, but at some level in their brains they have a vision of what they want to do and where they want to be. Jim Carrey, it is said, wrote out a slip of paper as a $1,000,000 check to himself, and often looked at it to remind him of his goals.

So what do I have in my mind of where I want to be? If I want to stay in this industry (and there are perfectly good reasons for doing so), what is the type of place I want to work at? What is it I want to be doing?

If I can see those, then I can see where I am and what I need to do to get to the next level.

What is Happiness?

What is happiness?

Yes, I know what happiness is, but do I really? It is obviously more than the absence of sadness - I can be not sad but not happy. It can have multiple causes - something that may make me happy last week may not do anything for me this week, or something which probably shouldn't make me happy does. And it cannot necessarily be forced: I can "choose" to be happy but fail to be able to implement it?

So what is happiness?

Webster's says that happiness is "A state of well being and contentment" or " a pleasurable or satisfying experience." Interesting. When I'm happy, I don't think that I define it as a "state" of anything. I just define it as being happy.

Well being and contentment? Again, that sounds like something a lot more involved than what I am looking for on a daily basis. Those I often associate with the outcome of some greater decision or feeling in life. Possibly I could think about happiness as a pleasurable or satisfying experience, but that makes it experientially based, when what I think I need is something dependent not on an experience (how many times do I have non-satisfying experiences but still seem to be "happy"?).

But is happiness what I truly need?

I need something which does in fact create a state of well being and contentment, that is a pleasurable and satisfying experience, but does not necessitate an event to create the state or make the experience - in a sense, I need happiness which is not based on an event that creates it.

Is it happiness I'm seeking, or is it joy? And if so, what is the difference?

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

The Ravishing Mrs. TB asked me last night "Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?"

I stared at her in the dark (the sort of thing that creates no effect because, well, it's dark) and asked "Have I what?"

"Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up" she said again. "You need to be happier. If your job is the issue, what is it that you want to do?"

I sighed. "I suppose what I'm doing now is it. The pay is good, and the career path is not too bad. The company - yeah, the company I don't care for so much but that's people, not really the career. Besides, I can't really change right now."

"No" she replied, "but you could start doing it in small steps."

I clonked off to sleep sometime soon after that but the thought was there for me to pick up when I got up this morning. If I was to do something else, what would it be?

Interestingly enough, I had been thinking around that thought earlier in the evening. I came up with five things (in no particular order):

1) Writer
2) Farmer
3) Swordsman
4) Musician
5) Theologian

The odd thing is, all of these are currently present in one form or another in my life, just as hobbies or part of hobbies. So it's not so much a question of not doing them, it's a question of doing them more.

How would one get from here to there? That I'm not sure of. The reality is, my current career field could (over time) fund a transfer over to any one of these careers (except swordsman, I suppose - not much calling for that these days) - and with a little effort on my part, I'm willing to bet that even earning with this field could be significantly improved.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? What am I willing to do to get there?

A Moment

Looking back in my life, I can see points where corners turned, where a decision - a single decision in a single moment- changed the course and outcome of my life.

The interesting thing to me is that if I look back, I can consciously see that at the time those decisions were made there was a sense of "I shouldn't be doing this" - but I went ahead and did it anyway.

I am rapidly approaching another one of those decision points in my life, not so much a major decision of direction but a choice of ethics, a choice that I am (theoretically) paid to do.

I have to be careful. I have this tendency to overdramatize these things, making every event the equivalent of The Charge of Light Brigade. None the less, this time I think it qualifies.

A single decision in a single moment.

As with any question of ethics, is it worth the outcome of the decision? Is it worth the inevitable nagging and haggling, the "You're too conservative" and "You don't really understand" and (my most favorite) "You must obey"?

What is my honor and my ethics worth? A paycheck? Or something more?

Two Different Places and Rambling

I heard from one of my old bosses this morning, who has finally (after over a year) secured a position in Seattle.

It's always nice to hear from old co-workers, especially when they've secured new employment. You of course ask a bit about the new company, are they moving and selling/renting their house, how things are going in general, etc. - and then follow up with a short update of your own. You make the generic comments about "Hope to see you again" - although in this case, I actually do go to Seattle from time to time and have a chance of running into him again.

Contrast this with a random thought yesterday: on a whim, I went to look up someone I knew while doing business at The Firm. Turns out she has done well for herself; so well, in fact, that she has moved to the next level of licensing and could potentially go out on her own if she so desires. She has done very well for herself since she entered the industry 8 years ago.

I bring these two up in juxtapose as I consider my own career path 20 years later. I've changed careers 4 times and moved around a great deal, but I continue to hold the title and responsibility I hold the same as I have for 8 years. Have I truly advanced in this field? Have I truly moved forward? Or do I just do the same thing at different places? Could that be part of my dissatisfaction?

The reality is that for what I do now, there is no real end game. The only path is up, with decreasing positions and similar responsibilities. Is that what I want? Is the fact that more of the same is not that attractive driving me to this contradiction of seeking that which I subconsciously don't want to seek?

One Thing At A Time

I made a mighty effort yesterday to focus at work.

I typically do not have the luxury of choosing my days or how to spend them: as the primary opinion leader for the bulk of many decisions by mid and lower level employees, I am regularly visited by them for opinions, signatures or reviews. I don't mind this function, both for the fact that it keeps me in contact with the daily flow of events and thoughts as well as having people ask before they execute (and we then have to discuss how to solve bigger problems). However, the consequence of this is the ability to focus singlemindedly on a task is often nil.

But yesterday I did it to a large extent. I chose one area of my job and tried to work to get everything involving that area under control.

I made great progress - although I still have as much as a second days' worth of work to do. But oddly enough, I did not feel accomplished when I left for the evening.

Not accomplished? How can that be? You said that you made an effort to accomplish things around one task and you did.

True enough. But what I realized as I focused in this one area were the 10 other areas that were not getting focused on and things not getting accomplished while I worked in this one area. It was if one part of the garden were properly hoed and prepared while every other section was weedy and continuing to sprout even as I said "Job well done" and went back into the house.

I'm honestly not entirely sure what this shows, other than 1) the power of focus and 2) the reality a system which may very well be out of control. I suppose it also goes to show that doing too much with not enough will in the end create a system in which much time is spent careening from problem to problem instead of managing towards a fully functioning system.

But the other thing this experience indicates to me is that the concept of accomplishing something is in itself not necessarily indicative of a thing or a system (or even a life) that is truly healthy. Not merely accomplishment, but accomplishment in balance is the key. Accomplishing anything is not in and of itself indicative of a success; it is only when the whole is viewed that the success of the accomplishment can be measured.

Torn

I am struggling with my heart torn in two.

On the one hand, my heart continues to be at The Ranch. Speaking with my parents this weekend, they related how the unusually wet winter has lead to the meadows being green with grass, the streams running high, geese wandering around the meadow, the bees are doing well, and the garden that my father has put in is moving along. I would love to be able to go there this weekend, look at the bees, see the meadows, and plan my inevitable "big plans" for what can be done up there.

On the other hand, what seems to best for my family at this time is for us to stay in New Home. Na Clann have a wonderful school, I have a good paying job and we are able to contemplate rebuilding our financial lives. For so many practical reasons, this seems like the place to be right now.

So how do I merge my heart and my necessity? How do I keep from constantly not being here? It seems that most things that I truly want to do are there, not here. Do I surrender those dreams and (at least in my own mind) settle for here, or do I continue to hope and dream perhaps ending in tilting at windmills?

Work and Work

Yesterday I realized that I have placed a barrier in my life which does not need to be in place.

For years I have separated "work" into three categories: the work that I do to get paid (my "job"), the work that I do for which I am not paid but which needs to happen (family, home, etc.), and then the work I do which is for me (hobbies, goals). I have carefully segregated this time, ensuring that one does not carry over into the other and that my own time (especially) is focused specifically on me.

What I realized yesterday is that this creates two levels of difficulty for getting anything done: 1) There is a constant sense of having to start up and stop any one of these three areas with the resulting loss in time; and 2) I have learned to associate great amounts of effort and diligence with my job that do not carry over into the other two areas, because I have come to believe that family/home/hobbies/goals should be enjoyable, and enjoyable means by default not working like at my job, which I often do not enjoy.

If you have children you probably already have a fine subconscious understanding of this: when your children, who were two minutes before excited playing outside or using their imaginations, are turned to the task of their homework, what do they do? Do they embrace it with the same enthusiasm, or do they suddenly become unenergetic, complaining, whiny, wondering why they "have" to do this?

(I'll carefully not point the same finger at myself, although I know it to be true.)

The reality is, we are always "working", both in the sense of moving forward in performing tasks on any number of fronts as well as training ourselves to become more diligent and learning to accomplish tasks.

In this sense, "work" simply rotates between these three areas, all of which should have the same level of importance in our lives: if we excel at our job but have no personal development or hobbies, we wither as individuals; if we excel at our job but fail to make efforts at home and with our family, we have family relationships not worth emulating by our children, overgrown lawns, and cars needing maintenance; If we excel at home/family and goals but are poor at performing our jobs, our paychecks will reflect this.

If work is viewed not as tasks but as an attitude to accomplish, suddenly this barrier breaks down. I'm accomplishing different things of varying importance, but the effort has not changed; what the effort is being expended on has. I should think that this would help to bring balance to my own life, as suddenly items in all three areas are moving forward, instead of one.

And relaxation? That still remains a part of life, although even in that the same level of effort should be made (the old phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard" comes to mind).

If I truly made this kind of effort (as I will this week), what would my life look like? What would I be accomplishing that I am not right now?