Action and Inaction

"No captain can do very wrong if he places his Ship alongside that of an enemy." - Admiral Lord Nelson

"But be doers of the Word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." - James 1:22

How often do we spend time wondering what to do instead of doing?

It seems to me that we spend a great deal of time as a society, indeed as a civilization, planning instead of doing. Planning is easy - it takes effort and resources, but it requires no decisions and no commitments up to the final point of making a choice.

Acting is hard. It means actually taking action, committing to a course and in some means, not committing to others. It means doing something rather than doing nothing.

For myself, how often have I spent planning what I will do, or should do, rather than doing? How often have I had the intention to do something great for God, when God really wants is for us to do something? "If you love me, keep my commandments" Christ says in John 14:15 - but keeping is again a form of doing rather than just hearing and pondering.

Life is short - indeed, shorter than any of us knows, and the Enemy of our souls would like nothing better than for us to spend our time thinking and considering and planning - anything but doing and keeping.

What to do? In some cases, the very simplest thing of all. With Nelson's quote, a captain in the British Navy, if he could do nothing else in battle, could at least move alongside an enemy to attack. In our work lives, we can at least do the one thing at hand. In our spiritual lives, we can at least work to do good to one person in the name of Christ.

A place to end? Not at all - there is always more that can be done and that, to the extent we are able, we should do more (time, once gone, cannot be recalled). But a very very good place to start.

Unseen War

As part of my trip last week, I picked up (from a used book store, no less) and read Randy Alcorn's Edge of Eternity. It is an allegory of sorts, a cross between Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan and The Pilgrim's Regress by C.S. Lewis.

It was a good and powerful book, one of those that makes you sit and think - a great deal - after you read it.

It follows the story of Nick Seagrave, a business man who suddenly wakes up somewhere he does not recognize. He discovers that he is on a road, The Red Road, with other travelers, all on their way from the City of Erebus to the City of Charis. It chronicles his backslidings, his meeting with the Woodsman who helps him bridge the Chasm, and once the Woodsman carries him across the Chasm, the trials and tribulations as he travels onward. Eventually, he arrives at Charis, where meeting Elyon (who is the Woodsman and Christ) he is sent back to his life back in this world to serve until such time as he called again.

The part that sat deeply with me (the part I'll write about today, anyway) involved Seagrave as he looks over a field. He suddenly realizes it is a field of battle, with two sets of warriors intensely struggling against each other:

"The plain suddenly became an immense battlefield, full of great gladiators, with eyes of fire, lifting their swords against other warriors, these with cold shark eyes. The warriors of both sides seemed to be of the same stock, as if it was a civil war - the gray city of the east versus the bright city of the west. Some troops fought on the ground, some above it, as if the air had an invisible floor. Sparks flew off their swords and lightning bolts pierced the sky. Swords clashed against shields, and thunderclaps exploded. Even at a distance the noise was almost unbearable.

People, some of whom I'd just seen, walked on the ground underneath the great combatants. Now they appeared translucent, almost invisible. Most of them stepped casually, unguardedly, apparently unaware of the battle raging above and around them. One man was out on the battlefield in his underwear, lying on a recliner, sipping a soda. I laughed, but when I saw a huge warrior with a mace raised over him, I turned away, cringing as I hear a sickening crunch." (pp.73-74)

Seagrave will see this battle in brief time and time again, a sort of bifocal view of the universe, the seen and the unseen.

This passage above, as well as the concept, spoke deeply to me as I hurtled home on the airplane Wednesday night. It speaks of the unseen battle that rages around us over our eternal destiny, even as well blythely continue on without a clue. Paul in 2nd Corinthians speaks of the fact that though we walk in the flesh, "we do not war according to the flesh (10:3), and to the Ephesians he states that "...we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12).

But how often and in how many ways do I wander about this battlefield either uncaring, unaware, or just testing my luck? If I truly grasped the nature of the battle and the nature of the stakes involved - at least on a regular basis - shouldn't this change how I think and what I do? We would consider it an extreme act of foolishness if an individual randomly juggled hand grenades assuming that just because the pin was not pulled it would never go off - but when I, without thinking, allow things into my life which are maybe questionable and certainly not God glorifying, am I not doing the same thing? When I put myself on the precipice, do I grasp that sometimes the cliff crumbles?

God help me - indeed, God help us all - to remember every day the stakes that we are dealing in our own lives and the lives of others.

Purpose and Critical

Ah, Friday. The last day of the work week, giving one the hope that we can make it to the day of not having to get up and face a whirlwind of activity without purpose.

There's that purpose thing again.

And it doesn't have to be important to have purpose - in fact, in many cases there are no direct comparisons between the two. I spend my days at my current position working on things that are "important": critical, timeline driven, help us make the current years goals, etc. The reality is, these critical matters are only critical for a time: they will be accomplished, the timeline will slip, or the project will be halted.

But items of purpose are few and far between, at least at work - and arguably, have little to do with the actual position itself. The things of substance, the things that matter - really the interactions that we have between people - are hardly the "criticality" of one more report, but infinitely of more purpose.

The same is true of home life as well: so much of what occurs here is not "critical" or "timeline driven", but has purpose, whether it be raising of children or communicating with The Ravishing Mrs. TB or even working to know God better. It's here that purpose is made and lived out.

When did we reach a place that critical and having purpose became so opposed to each other?

Fear

Having arrived home after my quick jaunt around the company doing audits, I was confronted by a couple of things as I went and visited other companies and talked about what I do:

1) I seem to move around a lot.

2) I am tired of living in fear.

1) Move around a lot? In the course of my audit conduct, I ran into numerous people that have been in their positions 5, 6, 10 years. I have an average life span (over my entire working life) of just over 13 months; in my current industry, I'm guessing it's about 1.5 years. If I'm moving around so much, is this because I keep trying to find something that is not in those jobs?

2) I realized, as I dealt with the issues of work as I was away doing work, that I spend a lot of time (in regards with my job) living in fear: fear of what my superiors will do, fear of what others will do, fear of having to deal with confrontation, fear of simply not having a job. I literally say that every day, in some fashion, I have to deal with fear as I get out of the car and walk in the door.

Why? I'd love to say that it is due to the fact that I work in difficult personal circumstances (which may be true). Unfortunately, I also think that it is due to the fact that I work with my own issues as well.

I have always struggled with the fact that others are in control of my life - work especially. I have little patience for those that say "Do This" not knowing (or caring) what it requires to do that. I also find that I hate being overruled - either let me do it, or tell me how you want it done, but don't "empower" me and then do it your way.

What this leads to is being afraid: afraid of discussing issues, afraid of making a decision, afraid of doing what you understand is the decision but having the rug jerked out from you at the last second.

Fear drains. Fear depresses. Fear makes you tired and unwilling.

And my fear seems to bleed into #1. Why would I continue to move around if I found what made me happy? Does my fear drive my need to leave every job because I end up freaking myself out?

I'm not sure, but I have a lot of thinking to do. All I know is that I am tired of being afraid.

Tourist in a Familiar Land

I have an opportunity this week that few who have moved so recently do: going back to Old Home for business.

It’s odd, because it’s the first time since I relocated to New Home that I have had the opportunity to return on business: not as a visiting family member, not as a tourist, but as an outsider. For example, it’s the only time that I’ve been at a rental car place and been able to say “No, I don’t need a map. I know my way around.”

The day was a sort of surreal experience as it involved driving through most of the last 10 years of my life – and even farther back in some cases, as I am staying less than a mile away from where I got my graduate degree and am auditing in a town I lived in for a year.

On the one hand it gives one a critical eye, as you can look at things outside of being involved in them. Changes to the landscape are subtle but there: a building torn down, a building put up, a road rerouted, cars from renters parked outside the house that used to be yours.

On the other hand, it gives one a sense of loss because you are passing through the landscape, not staying in it. My prior visits have been to visit family or move; there was a sense of becoming part of what I was seeing. This time I am truly a tourist with a little visiting thrown it: I’ll go do my audits and fly home.

Does it make sad overall about the move? I don’t think so – our financial position is inestimably better than it was a year ago, even with forfeiting the house and (in a lot of ways) financially having to start over. In other ways I feel like I’ve grown in the past 8 months, going down new paths which are only now becoming heightened in my consciousness. Also, having to move throws you squarely back on your family, both for the good and the bad, raising the awareness of strengths as well as presenting weaknesses in a way that they can be no longer ignored.

So I will go do my audit today, have a fabulous dinner with Songbird and Le Quebecois, audit tomorrow and fly home with my heart, if not fully content, at least with peace with where I am.

Better and Worse

Disheartening news this morning. An old friend - falling into that "Old of the Old" category - apparently got married and then unmarried within the space of two weeks.

I weep for my friend - a father of five who already went through his first divorce last year - even as I shake my head. I know my friend, even after all of these years. He is a passionate man, dedicated to his children and the profession he has chosen, and that he feels his emotions deeply, so I am sure that he is in pain that I cannot imagine at the moment, even as his parental responsibilities, indeed his life responsibilities go on and he is expected to function.

But knowing my friend - and again knowing my passion - it is a good reminder to me about the use and abuse of passion.

I am a man of imagination - I spend more time there than most people know, even today. It's not all bad if channeled - apparently I was using "visualization" and "Theater of the Mind" long before it was popular. That said, sometimes the mind tends to run along rills of "What if" or "If only things were different. If only I had made different choices..."

The reality is that as often as I'd like to believe otherwise, the best of all worlds seldom occurs. Life is often far more messy that we expect or give it credit for, and passion (for anything) is often not enough to overcome the reality of life. That's why thinking about all the possibilities carefully before implementing the activity or relationship is so crucial, yet is something that we (especially me) fail to do so often - especially when we are young.

So what's the lesson here? Beyond a request for the pain of a friend, a reminder (again, mostly to me) that an imagined life is often not nearly as much of an improvement over the life we currently have. Imagine, yes. Implement change for the better, of course. But never let the feelings of "Things could be better" overshadow the reality of "No, they could be worse."

Bonus

So something unusual happened yesterday: I got a bonus.

I could, of course, make all the usual complaints: it's not enough, I worked harder than this, etc. However, it's interesting to me because this is the first bonus I've received in two years.

Two years? Last year was due to the layoff - literally weeks before they would have been issued. You don't miss something until it's gone.

And it's good this year because I have a reason to be thankful for it: so many people have lost their jobs, so many are going without the additional compensation, and here in the midst of things, I got free money.

Sometimes we get so caught up in amounts and how we should feel when gratified that we fail to simply be thankful.

Thanks God!

Preparation

"It is a doctrine of war not to assume the enemy will not come, but rather to rely on one's readiness to meet him; not to presume that he will not attack, but rather to make one's self invincible." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

The counterpoint to happiness: preparation.

I think about this in relation to my industry (it's not a question of if a government body will come, but when), but also in life. Counterbalancing yesterday's comments on seeking to be happy in the circumstances one finds now is the reality to now that events will occur. The question is, do I continue in the belief that they won't - that "bad things won't happen to me" theory - or do accept the fact that events that are bad will occur and prepare for them.

The first one is the opinion of the immature - and I've spent plenty of time there. The Firm may be the greatest example of this, but decisions on Old Home, on jobs, on any number of things could fit here as well. It's a sense in which I have consciously made the decision that I will not prepare for the occurrence of certain events, by assuming that they will not occur.

Here's the catch: those things happen. Those events occur. The question is, do I make myself ready for them coming, or am I the deer in the headlights as they briefly light up my face before they run me over.

I write this as half a dozen things float through my mind, whether work or home related. Yes, I don't want to think about them or do them. Yes, I would rather spend time on other things.

But to act as if the possibility of them occurring is null is the height of irresponsibility.

Happiness

"We are never living, but only hoping to live; and, looking forward always to being happy, it is inevitable that we never are so." - Blaise Pascal

"Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen." - Epictetus

These two quotes served me as bookends last night before I went to sleep because they are both true: by looking forward to something in the future, we are never that thing in the present, and even within that present, how we perceive things happen are much more important that what actually happens.

How often have I looked forward to some future occurrence or event in my life thinking that "If that happens, then I will be happy" only to discover that the thing I thinking of really didn't have that power. My immediate response: I suddenly start thinking of the next thing or phase or event or whatever, passing by those day to day occurrences that I can savor and enjoy.

And when events occur in my life, how often have I not just accepted the event as it is but poured my own meaning into it? A simple request can turn into an onerous command by someone who is out to get me; a simple mistake can turn into a well thought out campaign by an enemy; a temporary failure is suddenly evidence that I never should have tried because I never could have done it.

So here's a thought: Instead of looking forward to being happy, why not just be happy now? Instead of pouring meaning into events, why don't I just accept them as they come, learn from them, and move on? Am I so important that the very universe itself is conspiring against me? Or is that I think that I am so?

Don't answer that. I'm just going to take a moment, drink my coffee, and be happy. Any coffee spills are, I'm sure, only my own fault and not that of the universe trying to get me...

Seeking Christ

"If you seek Jesus in all things, you will surely find Jesus. And if you seek yourself, you will surely find yourself, but only to your ruin. For a man who does not seek Jesus does himself greater hurt than the whole world and all his enemies could ever do him." - Thomas A'Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

Well that puts everything on its ear, doesn't it? It is precisely 180 degrees opposite of what virtually all the world says. We essentially have two choices: we can seek after Jesus in everything, or we can seek after ourself in everything. Ourself is far more pleasing than seeking after and serving Christ.

But the reality is that in seeking ourselves - in fact, in seeking anything but Christ - we lose in the end. As A'Kempis says elsewhere, "...you must be parted from them all". Everything stays behind.

What struck me the most as I read this in the morning is the idea that in the end, we are the ones who inflict the greatest harm on ourselves by not seeking Christ, more than any other could do to us. It's a pretty long term form of harm to be sure: waiting for the whole life of an individual for the final punishment. But in the end, if we do not know and seek Christ, the harm that is inflicted on us - eternal separation from God - is truly more severe than any that our enemies could have imagined, dreamed, or schemed. And the irony of the all is that we, in the end, did it to ourselves.

So what will it be today: one more day of preparing harm for ourselves eternally (and giving the enemy of our soul happiness) or seeking Christ?

Advancing the Kingdom

I've being mulling over the statement I posted yesterday (see below or here), especially the following sentence (which is the core of the argument): "..my task in life is to serve to advance the Kingdom of God." I've been mulling because I don't know that I've ever heard it put in such an unadorned and straightforward manner (at least in modern English).

It certainly puts things in black and white, doesn't it? Everything I do, everything I undertake, even everything I think and dream and dwell upon should be in the context of advancing the Kingdom of God.

It's a thought that I shied away from as I thought about it, and am shying away from it right now simply because it is so stark - and puts so much of my own life into the waste bin of eternity. By this standard, how much of what I have done in this life could truly be said to be on behalf of advancing God's Kingdom? Or more correctly, how much of it can be said to be serving myself, either openly or under the guise of "doing the right thing"?

If I just did this for 24 hours, let alone on a daily basis, what would my life look like? What am I now doing that I would scrap? What would I pick up that I am not doing? Interestingly, as I type these lines the response I had expected comes into play: I would quit doing everything I enjoy, and start doing things that I don't enjoy. Not that that is true at all (God is more gracious than we can possibly imagine), but that is my initial (and human) reaction.

Because at the heart of it, these thoughts are really about me - as MacArthur summed it up, fulfilling my own desires, indulging myself, making more money, getting any number of material things that will make me "feel" better or more secure. The thought that I would live my life not in pursuit of my own best interests but that of God's is at best a scary thought, and at worst a condemning one given my own penchant for self-service.

But the real question, the one that I keep weaving from side to side to avoid, is in the presence of God, will all my justifications for how serving myself served God at all be acceptable in the light of doing things to advance the Kingdom of God first? Will I truly be able to say "I advanced Your Kingdom", or will it be "I spent my life seeking to maximize my potential and make the best me; and when possible, advanced Your kingdom"?

In one lies the joy of reward and the pleasure of the Lord, in the other the pain of regret and of opportunities lost.

Concientious Christian Employee

"You're serving men but in serving them best you serve God.

You always have to have that perspective. We're advancing the Kingdom. I'm here not to fulfill my own desires, not to make money, to indulge myself, not to get a bigger car, bigger house, bigger boat, more money, more savings, more security, whatever it is, my task in life is to serve the advance of the Kingdom of God. So on my job I don't lose my testimony in trying to get a raise because my objective in life is not more money, my objective in life is to advance the Kingdom of God so under no conditions would I ever lose my testimony, right?"

- Dr. John MacArthur, The Conscientious Christian Worker (Part 2)

Two Wolves

I'm struggling with two forces that are fighting within me, two things that both clamor for my conscious (and unconscious) attention.

It's an old battle, one that has been going on for years beyond counting. It comes and goes (sometimes at will, sometimes no). I vacillate between valiantly putting it down and being completely consumed by it.

Today during Sunday School a story was related, versions of which I heard before. In this version, an Old Cherokee instructs his grandson about two wolves that live within each person: one wolf is those things that are good and right, the other wolf are those things that are evil and wrong. "How do I make sure the right wolf wins?" the young grandson asks his grandfather. The old man looks for a time at his grandson, perhaps considering his own past history, and then says "Feed the one you want to win, starve the one you want to lose."

Feed the one and starve the other. Simple in concept but difficult in execution: how do starve the evil wolf when all the food seems to be available to it, and feed the good wolf when there is nothing available? More simply put (I guess), why is it so easy to do evil and not good?

There seems to be something in myself that always seems able to find the worst and not the best in any given situation. Tell yourself to put something out of your mind, and it will immediately go there. Try to count your blessings, and they inevitably slip out of your mind like water. Every time your mind wanders mentally and you try to package the thought into a box and crush it, ten more follow on behind it. Look for hope for victory and find only more struggle. Feed it in hopes that it will leave and find is that it becomes even more ravenous.

If it's a case of fall down 99 times, rise 100, what happens when you fall down for the 101st time?

Time Wisdom

Another Friday morning where the sense of the end of the week is not "Hey, it's Friday" but more "Oh look, it's Friday. One more day to make it through."

It makes me to think on the concept of how we measure time.

For example, as a child school seemed to last forever and even summer (once it arrived) was long. Then I reached the point that I worked during the summers, and then the weekends seemed long. Then I worked through the year, and suddenly all days seemed to be both too long (in amount of time) and too short (in the amount of work I had to do).

Now, I've reached the point that even the "ordinary" work week is too short to do all that I have to do, yet the weekends themselves are really just one long day sandwiched between work weeks.

"Time management" and "multi-tasking" (probably another one of those phrases we'll look back upon and say "That was so 1990's)" seems to have become excuses for squeezing the maximum amount of effort of anyone. After all, the first item when confronted with time constraints is not "Is there too much to do?" but "Are you using your time wisely?"

Wisely. Hmm. What is wisdom? In one sense, I suppose, Yes, because I'm using it to do a matter that is important: provide for my family, improve my mind, pray to God. On the other hand, if I'm using it for things of no import or the foolishness of others, I don't know that I am.

So maybe that's the question for today: Is using my time "wisely" really wise?

Thought for the Day

"The unhappiest of mortals are those who insist on reliving the past, over and over in their imagination, continually condeming themselves for past sins." - Dr. Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics.

Sinning and Failing

I was reminded last night of the difference between sinning and failing. I sin and I am a sinner, yet I can fail and not be a failure.

It occurred to me that this is the crux of why often the wisdom of men makes them unable to accept the Gospel. They can instinctively grasp the fact that they can do and action and not be an action (although there are many who can do an action repeatedly yet believe they are not controlled by it i.e. addicts, alcoholics, etc.), but they then founder on the concept that there is a thing - sin - which is so deeply bound up in our spirits and souls that we are the root and cause of the action. We are sinners - yes, we are sinned against, but we sin against as well.

And the Gospel calls us to this basic truth, to accept this basic truth, because only in acknowledging it and accepting the reality of it can the Gospel be seen as the great and necessary gift that it is. If we are not sinners - individuals who at our core are so corrupt that no matter what we do it is tainted and an offense to God - then we do not need a Saviour. But if we are, then the Gospel because the great unmerited gift that it truly is.

And this is, in the end, why all efforts of self-improvement and positive attitudes will break down: we can be many things, but if we cannot grapple with the basic underlying truth, the entire structure is built on a flawed foundation, just waiting for the disaster (natural or otherwise) to make it crack.

Bad Connection

Yesterday morning, as I valiantly rallied out of bed, The Ravishing Mrs. TB caught me as I meandered towards the coffee pot. "The heat's not working" she said. "Can you take a look at it?"

The heat. Hmm. The battery was out the day before so I replaced it and reset the clock. It looked like it was working properly.

"I'll take a look" I responded, thinking it was no more than the settings not being right.

So I went to look at the program. Nope, it was set correctly. Power? Yes, the battery was plugged in (I had replaced it earlier, remember?). I unplugged the battery and replaced it, thinking that I had a bad connection. Power went back on, reset the clock, hit "Run Program". A click, but no heat.

Fine. I walked out to the garage and furnace closet and opened it up. I could hear the pilot light going, so the furnace wasn't out. Closed the door, went back inside, tried to cycle through the programs again, then threw my hands up and said "I've no idea".

Hoping against hope it would magically turn itself on, I went to work. Later, after arriving home and just before bed, I asked again. "No" she responded, "it didn't go on at all today."

So this morning I got up, walked by the thermostat, and mentally decided "I will make it work today." So I performed the same checks: power (On); time (set); no heat. I replaced the new battery with a new battery and performed the same check. Nothing.

So back out to the garage we went. Opened the furnace closet to the sound of the pilot light.

And then I did something I had not done the day before. I reached down and slightly moved the door to the filter and the chamber. Suddenly, it burst into life for a second. I reopened, then reshut and locked in the place the filter door. The warm sound of blasting air greeted my ears.

I shut up the closet door, walked back into the house, and basked under the warm glow of the kitchen register (by far the best flow of air in the house) before wandering back to my previously scheduled morning.

What did I learn in my microcosm of home repair this morning?

1) Check everything. Twice. Physically - not just by listening or looking and thinking things are okay.

2) In any system, the smallest point of bad connection can prevent it from functioning.

Watching Over Me

How to resolve the split in my soul.

On the one hand, I am constantly having to fight being enthused about my life as it is. I do what I do because I am seeking to do the right thing, the thing that supports my family and allows them to enjoy all of the benefits that I see in their lives every day.

On the other hand, I despair of doing those very things. The current job field I am in - not just the actual job (if I'm honest), but the entire career field itself - is not desirable. Yes, the benefits are great and yes, you can make the argument that I am helping someone. But the reality that was smacked over my head (yet again) last Friday is that I am a cog.

Yes, a cog. I am a title with no authority but all the responsibility and accountability. If things go wrong, I will be the first one blamed. If I succeed, it is merely considered what I was supposed to be doing for my job.

It makes me laugh because in point of fact I am supposedly hired for my independence and experience, my previous examples of responsibility. In reality, it appears I am hired for my ability to complete tasks more senior management does not wish to do.

Which again strikes me as odd. What I remember constantly reading and hearing from industry is that they desire individuals who are independent thinkers, who get things done, who bring new perspectives to the industry. Instead (at least in my own experience) what they really want is people who are willing to do things however they are dictated to them: from as broad as reviewing every communication before it is sent (but you must send it, of course; don't want to be "bogged down" in minutia) to choosing font and spacing in documents.

So I guess I've made another discovery: I don't want an overseer. A partner, perhaps, but not an overseer. I'm completely open to having my efforts reviewed and critiqued; what I am not open too (I guess) is being gifted with all the responsibility and accountability but none of the ability to execute.

Dream

I had another one of those dreams last night that makes you wake up, go "Huh", and then not be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

I was apparently living back near Old Home somewhere, renting a room din someone else's house. There were a variety of items - including cattle, three potatoes, and other things that I can't remember - that I had decided I wanted to use for a project up at The Ranch. After waiting for a while and not hearing anything, I loaded them up into a truck - an old 1940's model with the high slat walls - and drove them up to the Ranch.

I arrived back at where I was living only to discover a message from the landlord saying that the very items I had just taken up were going to be taken by the other people that lived house (?) the next morning. Sighing to myself because I just finished, I got back into my truck and drove up to the Ranch, where the items were still in the truck I had driven them up on. I started to drive them back, only to discover that my father had apparently contract to have the driveway fixed and the road up the hill to the house my great aunt and uncle had originally lived in was completely torn up and could not longer be used. As I was looking in frustration at this, a group of people (women as I recall) came riding horse through the property, herding cattle. The earth moving that was changing the driveway was no impediment to them. As I looked down, seeing them ride through the remains of the old road as I stood on the new heights above, I felt an intense feeling of frustration: why didn't I get told not to use the materials before I took them? How was I going to get them back before tomorrow?

And then I woke up.

Strategic Thinking

Another thing has come up in terms of things I finding I don't like to do: strategic thinking.

Oh, not the strategic thinking of my life or even of my potential life's work. That I enjoy, even as I need to work on implementation. I enjoying playing with figures, changing numbers, saying "What if" - it's almost like it's a secret joy of those that think a lot.

No, the strategic thinking I'm speaking of is that enforced by others: the thinking that strategic thinking can occur effectively without the ability to take the steps to actually take action on them.

Case in point: I am charged with thinking more strategically in my current position. It's a good idea and a fine plan. However, it seems that any thinking and planning I do is always swept away by the course of daily events, which leaves those plans crinkled up in a ball by my desk. When one has the inability to set policy, strategic thinking and initiation becomes an exercise in futility: when faced with improvement or income, most companies (indeed, most people) will probably take the income.

It's sad. It's silly. It's counterproductive. It leads individuals to learn to not take initiative until essentially they have been "informed" by leaders what the boundaries are.

So I may have learned two things: 1) I can't do it in this environment; 2) If I want to do true strategic thinking, I need to do it in the context of being able to implement it. And that would mean being in charge.

Resource Deficient?

I think I've reached the limit of my internal CPU.

I acknowledged last night as I drove home from work that I my mind has not been as sharp as of late. Part of it I have been addressing as a lack of sleep (as noted before, a lack of sleep tends to degrade my abilities).

Then it occurred to me as I went that I almost literally spent the entire day being given more tasks to do without actually accomplishing anything. It's as if my mind finally reached the point of saturation and said "No more, I'm done - thank you very much."

Accomplishing tasks is one thing. Using the time we have efficiently and wisely is another. But when one has reached the point where tasks simply come faster than the ability to deal with them, one of two things has occurred: Resources are not what they should be, or the ship is simply sinking faster than you can pump.

The part that I am finding discouraging is the fact that I am taking this as my failure: I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm not keeping up. I am not trying hard enough. Which if I sit and think about it, simply is not true. Could I use my time more efficiently? Yes, if I wanted to break all interactive ties with the very individuals I'm expected to interact and succeed with.

Ironically, the very people who are the most efficient at any company, often the individuals that rise to senior positions, are the very individuals that are the least liked.

Be efficient? Sure. Be mindful of my time? Absolutely. But consider myself failing because I am not resourced appropriately? Not anymore.

Joy

"Finally brethren, rejoice in the Lord." - Philippians 3:1

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice." -Philippians 4:4

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So here is the challenge: simply put, I am not a joyful person. Never have been - funny yes, occasionally gregarious of course, but joyful: nope. Which is is concerning the above referenced verses.

Paul was a man of joy - that much flows from all of his letters. More amazingly (I suppose to me) he was a man of joy in the face of all circumstances: persecution, death threats, travel extremities, working as a tent maker, and finally death itself. Or Christ as another example, who "for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross..." (Hebrews 12:2a).

The reality is a lack of joy is severely impacting my life. I notice it. The Ravishing Mrs. TB notices it. Na Clann notice it. I suppose all those around me notice it as well - great testimony for Christ, huh?

The other reality - at least from what I can glean from Scripture - is that joy is something which comes from God. It's listed as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. It's based on our relationship with Him, not within our circumstances.

(That's easy to write of course - it's much more difficult to live out on a daily basis when in so many aspects of your life, you feel out of water and trapped.)

So if true joy is not something one can manufacture but it is something we are commanded to do, and joy is a gift from God, how does one reconcile the two in one's life? How do I create that which feels so often to be manufactured?

Ask? Is it as simple as that? But the commands from Paul are for us to be active: "Rejoice", "Rejoice Always". And the writer of Hebrews notes that Christ saw the joy before Him.

The key is there - I just need to find it.

Not An Empire

So naturally, I made the simple request of God over the last two nights "What do you want me to do?" Foolish, in the sense that I realized that I probably did not expect a response - and got several.

The one that arises to my mind this morning is that of my relationships at work. Simply put, I don't really enjoy managing people or being responsible for them or their work.

It's a fine distinction, because for a great while I have been of the opinion that I don't really care for people. I don't think that's it totally: I am finding that I am consciously enjoying relationships that I am involved it; what I am not enjoying is the managerial accessories that come along with it.

It's an interesting puzzle, because that is so much of what industry is built on: work your way up the ranks, acquire more responsibility and more people/power (and therefore more money), and aspire to even more dizzying heights.

But as I think about it - as I asked God about it -what I got is this sense that I am simply not interested in this. I've no interest in building an empire or commanding the loyalty of others. I certainly don't mind what I do, but I'm not interested in the career track - without an interest in a career track, you eventually (at least here) go nowhere.

That's okay - I don't know that I have to do anything about today. I just need to be conscious of it for the moment, to ponder it and then figure out how to incorporate it into my career.

Why?

I'm sitting here at 21:10 at night. The house is quiet: The Ravishing Mrs. TB is off at a conference in Florida, Na Clann are all in beds, exhausted either from a sleepover or cramming into bed with dad (and the resulting lack of sleep), Syrah is downstairs sleeping. The rain we had last night is gone but the clouds are back, leaving the cloudy silence that always seems to come. In a thought, I'm alone with my thoughts.

And alone with my writing.

I've been questioning my writing these last three days, especially in conjunction with this blog: why do I write, why do I write what I write about, am I having any impact by writing this.

Why do I write? Two reasons I suppose: one is that I simply have to write. I can't not do so, at least not for long periods of time. The other reason is that I write because I have hope that I can make some kind of impact.

Impact? That gets to the second question for writing, which is what I write about. Of this, I am not so sure. Originally when I started this blog, I had the idea I would write about God and my experiences with nature. If I look over time, that has morphed considerably into sometimes involving God and more often involving introspection about myself, or my circumstances, or even my life. I don't know if that is as impactful as I would have hoped it would be.

So why do I continue to write? If I had to try and reign in these octopus arms of writing, what would I try to do? If I want to have an impact (and what kind of impact is another question), what should I be focusing on?

Responsibilities, Options, and Time

Coming back to goals again - my goals particularly.

I'm finding (or maybe finally becoming aware) that I simply cannot balance the idea of being an involved husband and father and completing all the goals I things I want to do on a daily basis. Nope. Can't get here from there. One of three things happens:

1) I make a valiant attempt to do everything on Monday. It gets done, but I have to stay up later to meet everything. Tuesday I'm tired, but still try. By Wednesday, things are falling off the list. By Friday, nothing gets done because I'm tired and depressed that I can't stay focused.

2) I do everything, but spend my evenings essentially by myself accomplishing my goals and not interacting with my family.

3) I try to do very little and make sure that my mood is good (that would be the sleep thing), but end up feeling like I am not doing anything.

So either my expectations are too high, they're too low, or I simply am not doing what I should be doing.

Some facts that are known:

1) I require 7 hours of sleep a night. Less quickly degrades my ability to function quickly.

2) The time I get up for work, leave for work, and work are fairly set. My ability to change that is limited, and the time I have leading up to that is now effectively used.

3) Doing the time math, that leaves a finite amount of time after I get home to eat/do chores/interact with family/interact with pets/do "my" goals.

Knowing all that, how do I best evaluate my responsibilities and options?

"I Can" versus "I Am"

I've identified a flaw in my thinking: "I can" versus "I am".

Upon reflection this week, peppered by Jeffrey Gitomer, I became aware that it seems I have always confused my ability to be capable with my inherent nature. To think myself capable was to extend it to all aspects of my reality, including my nature as a sinner - which then made me react against it, knowing the fact that I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of salvation on my own merit. I have often ended up in this bizarre feedback loop, tacking back and forth from "I can" to "I can't" like a small sailboat on Sunday afternoon in the San Francisco Bay.

But in thinking about it yesterday, I had a glimmer that the truth lies with both: yes, I am a sinner in need of a Savior, but as a person God have made me capable - that my status as a sinner does not prevent me from accomplishing things - indeed, being competent and able to do (at least on earth) far more than I consider myself capable of.

This is a novel thought for me, something I have not considered in a long time: that I am capable of things, that thinking "I can" and believing that I can is not in itself a sinful thought.

Suddenly, the vistas of this life are greatly expanded and the thoughts of what I can do are no longer immediately shut down to essentially the interior ends of my mind.

Begging Him to Depart

"And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus. And they saw Him they begged Him to depart from their region." -Matthew 8:34

The story is a familiar one: Jesus casting demons out of two demon possessed men in the country of the Gergasenes (or Gadarenes, depending on the translation). The demons (who were so many in the man that the referred to themselves as "Legion") begged to be sent into a herd of swine rather than cast into their final destination, the Lake of Fire. Jesus does so, at which they take the herd of swine over a cliff into the Sea of Galilee.

The locals arrive. They see the demon possessed men (Matthew says one man, but commentators think that the explanation for two is that one man was the primary speaker) clothed, sitting calmly in their right mind. Here is the Son of God in the midst, the great teacher Jesus, giving a demonstration of His power to back up His claim that He is the Son of God and can forgive sins.

Their response? They "begged Him to depart from their region."

Why? It could have been that they were frightened by the disruption of their ordinary lives, or that they rued the economic loss of a herd of swine, or that simply as ungodly people they did not want the presence of a power Higher than they in their midst. In any event, they bid the Son of God to leave them.

"Fools" we snort and then continue on to Matthew 9. But are we truly any better? When God reveals His power or His authority to us, how do we respond? Do we stop to listen to Him, to amend our lives, to seek His forgiveness? Or do we, like them, because it is inconvenient or economically disruptive (more true than we care to admit) or emphasizes the sin we do not want to part with, beg Jesus to depart from us as well?

There is a post script here as well. The main speaker of the two (at least) who Jesus cured wanted to follow Him (Mark 5:19) but Christ denied Him, saying "Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you." Even after rejection Christ's compassion for the lost still showed through.

He is still moving in our lives, still having compassion on us. Do we hear Him as well, or are we too busy watching the swine herds of our lives plunge over the cliff and being more concerned for the loss it represents to us than His power and forgiveness of our sins?

Friday Thought

"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory." - George S. Patton

Believe in Me?

Am I capable of doing anything right?

I talked through my epiphany yesterday morning to Fear Beag and Fear Mor at work. Both of them came back with the same conclusion that I did: yes, they could see the intellectual implications of needing to believe one could succeed in a potentially failing situation but could not see any more than I a way to reconcile the two different poles.

I have been trying (as part of my New Year resolutions) to make a habit of doing some success-based literature reading every morning. Recently this has been Jeffrey Gitomer's The Little Red Book of Selling (via a kind loan by Otis). In reading this morning, which was re-reading yesterday morning, the question of believing in yourself came up, of believing that you are capable, that you can actually succeed (Gitomer eventually extends this into his concept of "YES" attitude).

Which brought me to the question above: Am I capable of doing anything right, or more correctly, do I believe am I capable of doing anything right?

It's self belief, something which I gather I've always had problems with as a Christian balancing between the fact that the heart is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9), esteeming others better than yourself (Philippians 2:3), and acknowledging the fact that God has created me as a unique being with gifts and talents. The outcome, I think, seems to have always been weighted to the side of "I'm not worthy, I can't, and I shouldn't try. That's pride."

But that's not really pride, is it?

It's (at least to me) always been a struggle to believe that I can succeed - not at things like writing or singing or beekeeping (If I can read it, I can do it) but at "larger" things, like career or job (or even parenting, for that matter). I could shrug it off on authority figures who have out ruled me, or bad decisions I made which turned out to be true, or my perceived inability to make changes. But in reality, it really comes back to the belief that "I can't" - I can't succeed, I can't make changes, I can't do what "successful" people do.

My next question: how as a Christian do I inculcate a proper view of self which acknowledges my place before God yet gives me the believe that I can based on what I have been given?

Schizophrenic Success and Failure

I realized yesterday driving home that I am caught in the midst of a conundrum at work: I want to succeed at my job, yet I have sincere doubts that my company will succeed.

Once this thought had rolled around in my mind for a while, I realized that it put in me in a interesting (and somewhat precarious) intellectual position: how do you truly try to succeed at a something you think is doomed to fail?

I say succeed because in point of fact, I've also come to the realization that my ability to set and meet goals is not good at all (in the vernacular, I "stink") - which is somewhat of an issue in my present position, as I am rapidly finding (two days into the work year) that I could easily be here another year and not get one step closer to accomplishing anything.

Which suggests, of course, that something has to change: either I have to change my opinion about the future of my employer, or work to find a new one. The difficulty there is that I realized that in fact, I have had this subtle backflow of believing my employers will not do well - could it even be said hoping they don't so I'm right? - is a theme that has been present for a long time.

Why? Why this thought that I think they'll fail, I hope they'll fail, and then the grim satisfaction when they do? Perhaps it's related to the realization that at some point, no matter how hard I worked, that I was never truly "moving" forward - not that that's the company's fault as much as my own, but I sought to affix blame (it couldn't be my fault) somewhere. Perhaps it's simply that I am not in the right industry, and so I subvert my dislike of what I do into wondering if the company will succeed.

I don't fully know. All I have come to realize is that I cannot hope to succeed and fail and the same thing and realize anything other than a schizophrenic response that keeps me running in circles.

Let Your Light Shine

"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven." - Matthew 5:14-16

Is my life shining before men? That was the question that came to me this morning as I was reading through Matthew 5:1-26. It initially arose in the context of my career, where I seem to find myself stymied and mired, feeling like I am spinning my wheels which leads to the incentive to not do much, which leads to me being not as productive as I should be at work.

The thing that caught my eye was the reason that we are to shine: not that it serves us primarily in any way but that it will bring glory to God in Heaven from others through what we do. The focus is not to primarily be on myself and my life, but on glorifying God through my life.

I realize that this is a relatively foundational level Christian truth and pretty vanilla-like in the context of spiritual truths in the modern world. But it seems as if it's one of the easiest ones to forget, at least for me. How often - often as in almost every day - do I wonder why I'm here, what I'm to do? Yes, it's perhaps not a complete answer but it's an answer, and if I can't do the simple things, how can I expect to do the big things?

The second thing present in this passage is the presumption that we will in fact be about "good works". One could fill in the blank here - it seems to me that part of what has bedeviled the Church is that so often "good works" are defined as a specific list of activities, and those which fall outside of them (typically charitable, not that those are not good) are considered "less good". But isn't part of good works doing "good work", work that is significantly better/more complete than that which the world does? In a sense we should do this in everything, because as Christ points out, we're really doing everything with two objectives: one the objective of the task at hand, the other the objective of glorifying God.

And look at the intensity of our work which is assumed: Let your light "so shine". Not just flicker, not just glimmer, not even just be present. Our light, our witness, our good work and good works are to be a blazing beacon to those around us - in the verses preceding this, Christ talks about His followers as "the light of the world", "a city on a hill", "a lamp on a lamp stand" - in other words, a light which cannot be hidden or ignored, a light which is useful by giving light to all around it.

Do I shine with that intensity every day? Do I do good works and good work not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of shining a lamp on God? Or when others look at me, am I a lamp under a basket consumed with my own petty struggles, of little use to anyone and not so shining to glorify God? Am I too focused on my life to let God shine through my life?

New Year's Resolutions

I spent this weekend working on New Year's resolutions. Interestingly, these were not as difficult as I had anticipated, which was both good and bad. Good, because it means that (maybe) I'm learning something about goal setting and how I work best; bad, because it means that I realized that in some ways setting goals is meaningless.

Meaningless you say? Yes, in the sense that we can set goals based on circumstances and things that are out of our control. If I look at my goals for the previous year, there were several that were centered around the assumption that we would continue to live in Old Home, I would have the same job, and that our finances would be the same. Obviously, none of that occurred, so to the extent that I set goals based on those circumstances, I failed.

However, what it did bring to mind is that I have the opportunity to set goals based on things that I can control: My time, my interests, my sense of what I am being called to do, the family and resources that I have been blessed with. Could these change? Yes, but time is time, my sense of being called to the things that interest me have truly not changed in many years, my family is not going anywhere, and the resources I have here now are (barring the collapse of society) not likely to go away.

Did I stretch? Yes - in someways my goals and resolutions this year are more aggressive than ever and will involve me having greater management of my time than ever, along with truly attempting to get to the heart of what is important and what is not. But in working through these resolutions and goals this weekend, what came to my attention is that time is continuing to march resolutely on, and the only person that is hurt by continued failure to move forward, make the hard choices, and achieve is me - and the calling and responsibilities I have been given by God. The time will pass - it's how I'm using it that matters.

Or as Musashi said, "Do nothing that is of no use."

The New Year with Musashi

"This is the Way for men who want to learn my strategy:

1) Do not think dishonestly.
2) The Way is in training
3) Become acquainted with every art.
4) Know the Ways of all professions.
5) Distinguish between gain and loss in worldy matters.
6) Develop inituative judgement and understanding for everything.
7) Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
8) Pay attention even to trifles.
9) Do nothing which is of no use.

- Miyamoto No Musashi, A Book of Five Rings, The Ground Book.

A Thought on the Role of Religion in Civilization

"The truth, however, is clear from his Enquiry: Even before coming to India (William) Carey had understood that nothing but the Gospel could dispel the social darkness of India. Carey knew the Gospel to be the only effective antidote to social evils. This conviction sustained Carey's chief labor: to make the Bible available to the Indian masses in their own language.

It is worth repeating: Our mistake today is that some who believe the Gospel look upon it merely as a means of private salvation, for going to heaven. They do not seem to realize that the gospel is the God-given "public truth" - the means of organizing a decent society. Therefore, their faith becomes privately engaging but publicly irrelevant. On the other hand, those "Christian" activists who not believe the basic truth of the Gospel, that Jesus Christ died and rose again for our sins, attach themselves to ideologies that are most popular in their day....

Unfortunately, many Christians today who are sincerely trying to serve society are oblivious to the power that God has already given to us to dispel darkness. They tend to put their hope for social change primarily in their own projects....

Why have we sunk to this level? I suggest that we have done so as a result of the materialistic presupposition of our age. Since the time of Karl Marx, many have assumed, often unconsciously, that material reality is basic and that the moral/intellectual/spiritual aspects of reality are secondary - that they are mere by-products of economic reality. Carey, on the other hand, believed that the real battle is in the mind. False beliefs lead to wrong behavior and harmful culture. Therefore, Carey strove to fill the Indian mind with the truth of God's Word. That, he understood, was conversion - the cornerstone in the task of civilizing."

- Vishal and Ruth Mangalwadi, The Legacy of William Carey: A Model for the Transformation of a Culture, pp. 129-130.

That Was The Year That Was

And so another year - indeed, another decade grind to an end. I sit here in New Home as I write this evening, the sound of fire crackers punctuating the windy, cold evening silence.

And what a year it has been: laid off in January, getting a new job in a new state in June, living alone until August, moving the family to New Home in August, selling the house in Old Home in December. Almost entirely in a single year, the warp and woof of my life has been completely altered in ways that I suspect will only make their impact known in the years to come looking back.

A humbling year as well. I have never been in the position of losing my job not by choice, nor of the futility of not having another one just "pop" into place - indeed, almost feeling like one was begging to get one. It was humbling as well to have to rent a room, living in a space that was not in anyway my own, away from my family for 2.5 months. And the whole house sale - being completely dependent on the bank to make their decision to allow the sale of my house to go through -was not only a good reminder of the Biblical adage "The borrower is the slave of the lender" but, again, a humbling experience of coming with hat in hand.

It is of passing note for introspective purposes that in fact our net worth is actually less than when we entered this decade. Even in the financial realm, it's as if a great wave washed through and washed out the last ten years.

A great wave. It's an apt metaphor perhaps for the Greatest Wave of all: The Sovereignty of God.

Because, deep down, I am forced to confront the fact that in spite of all that I have done and not done, of the errors created and successes achieved by me, all of this has occurred according to God's plan. I cannot see it, nor can fully ascertain (if I ever will be) what all has occurred.

But it does give some comfort that, surrounded by change in virtually every aspect of my life, that God is still in control of this as well, guiding things for His eternal glory and my temporal benefit, even if I cannot see it. And it fills me with a sense of anticipation for next year, to see why God brought us here and disrupted (from a human standpoint) our lives.

And I suppose that is not an entirely unfitting thought to end the 2009 blog year - a year of change but a year of God's sovereignty revealed.

Bookstore Bonanza

Yesterday evening I did what for me is the equivalent of binge drinking: I went to a used book store having a 20% off sale by myself, with no timetable.

Dear Lord, the intoxication of it all.

I have reached the point at which used bookstores hold a greater hold on me than new bookstores. Why? One of course is price: a used hardcover can be had for $6.00? $7.00? Try that at a new bookstore.

The other - and perhaps the more engaging reason - is that it's a great adventure. I can pretty well predict what I will find in any new bookstore; used bookstores, not so much. Who knows what editions I will find, what off the wall subjects I will suddenly become interested in, what old books from 30 years ago I will suddenly remember by seeing a cover and triggering a memory? The voyage of discovery alone is worth it.

And 20% off? Try that at a new bookstore.

I ended up acquiring my usual miscellany of subjects: Lew Wallace's Ben Hur, Japanese Fortified Temples and Monasteries, Osaka 1614-1615: The Last Samurai Battle, Writing the Breakout Novel by Donald Maass, The Japanese Art of War by Thomas Cleary, and The Legacy of William Carey: A Model for Transformation of a Culture by Vindal and Ruth Mangalwadi. It will keep me busy over this long holiday weekend with a lot of reading and pondering.

There is not a better feeling in the world than walking out to the car with a pile of books you paid only $26.00 for.

Except for the thought, "You know, the sale runs until tomorrow..."

Virtual Monday

So it's arrived: The virtual Monday of the last work week of the year.

I could tell I was back by the fact that my ability to sleep through the night magically went away and I woke up far before the alarm instead of gracefully coming out of sleep.

In a way, I can tell my time away was a good one simply because I did not think of work once. Not a single time - no "I forgot to take care of this" or "There are five things I have to do when I get back". Which is great for vacation of course - but it all comes rolling down on your head all the harder when you get back.

Which, I suppose, should tell me something else.

I read Gene Logsdon's The Last of the Husbandmen: A Novel of Farming Life which I got for Christmas yesterday. I love anything that Logsdon writes so that alone was a pleasure; the fact that the book chronicles the fictional life of a young man who essentially comes back to traditional farming as a career and the life he and his extended family live over a forty five year period. There is something in reading his books, even in going up to The Ranch, that gives me a deep sense of rootedness that I fail to get when I contemplate leaving this computer and getting ready to go to work this morning.

Just random thoughts on a virtual Monday I suppose. But the thought still nags me: in the past decade, I've had 6 different jobs, bought two houses and sold one at a loss, and now lived in four different locations. For guy that (apparently) values rootedness and stability, I don't seem to be living my conviction.

Old Home Farewell

On 24 December 2009 at 1030, I left the last part of 5 years of my life behind. We packed up the last garden items into the truck and left Old Home for good. The house recorded later that day.

It was a bizarre feeling: we walked through the house one last time, where 4.5 of our lives had been spent. Going through sparked different memories: a spirograph that Nighean gheal had left on her window when we moved; the dirty spot right above the baseboard in our closet where my desk was and where I rested my feet; the bedroom that I had painted and then told The Ravishing Mrs. TB "You watch - we'll have to move out of state; the asparagus in back, dormant for the winter, waiting to be cut back and then be cut in spring for the first time. All of this mingled in the background of family events and Thanksgivings and Christmases and Nighean dhonn's birth, loomed over by the specter of The Firm, which had made it all possible.

And so out the door we went, shook hands with our Realtor, got in the truck, and drove away.

I've been asked numerous times since then "You must feel a great sense of relief". My response is always the same: "Not really. It's been so distant to me for so many months now, sort of dragging on out of my control, that it's less a sense of relief than a sense of 'one more thing off the list.' As an event, it simply is not registering."

But there is a sense I suppose - a sense that is not quite fully registered yet - of finally being at an end: an end of The Firm, an end of 5 years of self-imposed financial instability, an end (if I think about it) of a period of whipsawing back and forth between careers and directions. 2010 will be, if nothing else, a year of new beginnings.

And perhaps that in itself is a reason for rejoicing.

Passionlessness

I am fighting with a bout of passionlessness this week.

About everything: work, home, family, relationships, activities, just life in general.

Let me clear: it is not depression - or at least, not directly. It's a sense of doing things - anything- and taking no pleasure about it.

It is what drives mid life crises, I thing: a combination of realizing that the payoff to almost everything we do in our day is much less than we thought it would be, a knowledge that the things that we believed when younger which we would have turned to to stave off these feelings will not change things significantly as we used to believe they would, but the desire to feel about the things in our life the way we used to.

I am realizing that I want to be passionate in my life. I want passion: raw, throbbing passion. I want to be excited about life, not simply existing in it from day to day. I want to be enthused, to be touched in the deep core of my being instead of just exist from day to day on the outskirts of myself, going through the motions of daily living .

It's as if I feel like I am disconnected from my own emotions, that they have gone into some big void in my center and have not come out, replaced by the ability to get through each day - maybe even a defense mechanism created by these same emotions to deal with the fact that they lament where I am in my life now.

But passion is not emotion. I can still experience emotion - more often anger or depression than anything else these days - without any greater sense of being passionate after the fact. In some ways it almost feels like an semi-automated response.

But it's a fair statement to say I have no desire to go on this way. It's like digging through the rind of an orange which only seems to continue to get thicker every day without getting to the fruit.

Again, I think it is was drives the middle age crisis - especially for men: that grasping after something, maybe indefinable for them, that they felt the experienced once but can no longer feel, and the desperation to do anything - anything!-to find that passion once again.

The House

We got word today: House in Old Home will close on Thursday. An ironic Christmas present?

Ironic? Yes. This is forcing me to confront (once again) all of my old ghosts from The Firm.

Simply put, this was not the way things were supposed to end. This house was emblematic of my new career and new started: the house (paid off by now, of course, due to superior planning), a successful fellow in my new field, well on my way to achieving financial independence.

Needless to say, things have taken a different path. As a point of comparison, our net worth now is less than it was 10 years ago.

I just feel...spent. Collapsed. Happy...Happy? Happy is not really the word. Not even relief, I suppose - just a weary sort of sense that it's done. At last. A tired end to a five year saga.

What happens now? I don't really know. I have been consistently shocked by the amount of damage my unemployed period did to our finances. I had thought that it was blip in our year; the reality is, we had redlined things so much that it will take us far longer than I had anticipated to dig ourselves back out.

Another house? I laugh to myself. I figure at this point, my credit is somewhere next to that of a change machine in a supermarket.

Which is an odd place to find myself again. It's as if the one thing that I have desired, stability, has been moved out of my life.

Or pride perhaps. Going through this process has been a humbling experience - although probably not humbling enough! You become dependent on so many things: the buyer, the bank, the kindness of so many that have helped this process go through.

I'm undecided if I'll go back to see the house one last time as we visit Old Home this Christmas. In so many ways, it represents a failure to me - not only a failure to hold the line, to provide, but a failure of dreams and aspirations.

And those are the hardest failures of all.

Christmas Again

And so here we are at the week of Christmas again.

In speaking with The Ravishing Mrs. TB this weekend as she made her trek back to Old Home, she commented that she would be driving by where we vacationed last January and could she Na Clann the area we were in. Her comment was "Wow, a lot has sure changed in a year."

Her comment gave me pause for thought as I sat here in New Home with myself, the dog and the rabbits, waiting to trek myself. A huge amount of things have changed this year - if we're blessed, by the end of the year our lives will essentially have completely made over in the course of a year.

Made over? We live in a different place, attend a different church and different schools, have a different job, are separated from our families which for most of our lives have been within 2 hours of us, and are (finally) digging out of the last elements of a decision with the Firm made 5 years ago.

And then comes Christmas.

Christmas, the annual of reminder of Emmanuel (God with us), God reaching down from Heaven to us, reaching us where we are.

Where we are. Even if we're not where we've been, even if the rhythm of our celebrations is completely changed, even if it doesn't "feel" right.

It's a guide beacon for the year, even as Sunday is a guide beacon for the week: a place and time that brings us back to something beyond ourselves, forcing out the year and its events back to the back of our consciousness for a time, forcing us to focus on the realities which exist beyond those things which are our daily (or annual) grind.

May this Christmas find each of us stopped in our lives, even as the shepherds were, looking at The Star.

Idleness

"I do think one of the worst sins a man can be guilty of in this world is to be idle. I can almost forgive a drunkard, but a lazy man I do think there is very little pardon for. I think a man who is idle has as good a reason to be a penitent before God as David had when he was an adulterer, for the most abominable thing in the world is for a man to let the grass grow up to his ankles and do nothing. God never sent a man into the world to be idle. And there are some who make a tolerably fair profession, but who do nothing from one year's end to the other." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Star Trek and Better

I watched the most recent addition to the Star Trek last night which came out this year. I was not necessarily interested in seeing it - I am a child of the original series, so of course everything that thinkers with the original concept is always a bit suspect in my book -but none the less (at The Ravishing Mrs. TB's prompting) went ahead and watched it.

How pleasantly surprised I was - beyond the effects (which were very cool), I found a relatively engaging story that was (I think) pretty true to the original concept of the franchise. Yes, I know, they've overused the time travel thing a bit, but at least less so than they did in the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.

But the thing that was most engaging to me - almost surprisingly - was the concept of James T. Kirk as a young man who, wandering off into the land of wasted dreams, is challenged by Captain Christopher Pike to live a better life "Your father saved 800 lives. You can do better."

It had a strong resonance within me, especially as I look at my day to day existence, where (especially at work) I can almost palpably feel the bar setting getting set lower, as the realities of completing things seem to take over those "lines in the sand" that I continually draw. It's as if I am settling lower, not higher, in my daily existence.

But I should tell myself with Pike "You can do better."

Fog

I wish I had something meaningful to say, Lord:
Something of value, something of glory to you.
But instead, today, I have gray.
Big puffy clouds of gray that swirl with moisture and humidity,
or maybe with my tears and frustration.

That's what it feels like, Lord: A fog.
A sightless, amorphous fog
which obscures shapes and clouds vision,
deadening sound and light,
leaving only a sense of oppression of spirit.

As the sun behind the clouds,
shining though not seen,
so too are you here now Lord,
are present behind all that is now.

But right now, I cannot see or feel that:
I can only feel the clinging dampness
and smell the mustiness
and see, not the Son shining in glory,
but only gray.

Integrating the Whole

I'm locked in a battle this morning as I sit here this morning: on the one hand, the load of all I have to do this week is mounting up; on the other, the sense that I need to choose to react differently.

React differently? By the time I get to work, get the computer on, and make coffee, the fix is generally already in: too much to do, too little time to do it, what won't I get done today, what emergencies will occur, how long will I have to stay. And I haven't yet logged in.

What that creates, it occurs to me, is a sense of futility in work (and to a lesser extent, in life) as well as preparing my mindset to be in the defensive mode. What I need to do is change that to something else (I won't be bold enough to say positive at this point - just something else).

So here's the crux: how do I do that?

I can assure you that PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) is not enough. That has been tried numerous times, and inevitably gets wiped out as soon as the first big emergency occurs.

Scripture works better - maybe holds out until Tuesday, until it, too, gets overtaken by the realization that trying to have an attitude as a good worker does not make the work any more interesting or even doable.

So what is it? I think I know.

Perhaps it is simply the process of not investing ourselves so totally in our work that we only come to confuse our work with our lives.

By the time I am midway through the day, I am equating myself with my ability to complete everything on my plate. My whole world is essentially focused around this sliver of life (I say sliver because, when I go [as inevitably will happen], all the effort that is not self knowledge will simply turn to paper dust) instead of life as a totality, an integrated whole.

And I want that so badly - that life as an integrated whole - that perhaps I try to substitute the activity that I spend the most time at as that integration instead of putting work into the larger context of my life.

Wow. That's a pretty deep thought for 0600 in the morning.

But that's it, isn't it - or maybe part of it anyway. An integrated life. A sense that who I am and what I do are internally consistent, instead of trying to straddle parts and collapsing into the middle.

So how does one integrate - or in my case, step away from the cliff?

Time and Money

I had mentioned last week that I have been working more - closer to 50 hours a week than the standard 40 - and feeling a bit run down, behind the eight ball, and just downright miserable - but after all , you have to do it: you know, take one for the team, not getting paid by the hour, etc. etc.

It bothered me to the point that I started noodling figures around in my head. So I did a little subtracting and dividing. And gave myself the shock of my life: for every week I "donate" my time, I cut my hourly pay and salary by 21%.

I say the shock of my life. I mean it. If someone came up to me and said "Hey, I have an investment that will yield 21% less than what you put into it" I'd call them a fool. Apparently when I do the deed myself, it's no big deal.

The other thing that shocks me is that I willing to put 20% more effort into someone else's pocket but not my own. What is it about me that enables me to not do the one instead of the other?

Confidence maybe. Ease of taking the road more traveled: work is laid out and I know what I have to do. Personal things engage me 100%, including providing leadership and tasks for myself (which again is a confidence thing: if you're not confident you can make good decisions, you tend not to make them).

I'm not sure, but this bears more thought -and action. Donating 20% of my potential salary to someone else will run my bank account - and personal energy account - down quickly.

The Telltale Coffee

Yesterday I came up with the single greatest indicator of how any company truly functions. I believe it can be applied across the board to any company, any industry, any size.

It's coffee.

More specifically, it's the coffee supply, be it in a pot, a carafe, or an airpot.

How can this be, you ask? How can a simple liquid in a simple container tell me everything I need to know about a company?

It's how often it gets filled.

Think about it. What did you learn in kindergarten (I mean, other than naptime is at 1:00)? The lessons that were reinforced at home: If you use something, put it back. If you make a mess, clean it up. Treat others as you would be treated.

But this rule apparently does not apply to coffee.

Think about it: how many times have either come to a coffee dispenser or simply watched one and found that it was empty? What was the reaction of the user - did they stop and make another pot, or did they just continue down the line of coffee dispensers (finding them all empty), shrug their shoulders in disgust, and walk on?

More often than not, they walked on. Because making coffee is not something that "important" people do - and by default, most people in their mind are "important".

If people will not do the simplest of tasks (coffee, filter, water, button) - especially after they use up the last bit - they communicate both that their needs, wants, and goals are primary and that service which may not directly benefit themselves is not a critical issue.

Too simplistic, you argue? My response is simply to look at the business or place of employ: where is the focus of the employees? Is it on service - both to customers and fellow workers - or is it merely those things which will advance first the individual involved and then the company, with fellow employees or customers being last (yes, "service" can be included in here, but it's not sincere)?

Watch carefully. And then go look to their coffee pots.

Time and Priority

I met with An Dagda Mor yesterday concerning the task list I had provided him the day before. I was hopeful that it would allow some items to be removed from it, lessening my work load.

That is not what happened.

He first of all thanked me for putting the list together ("very useful") and then showed me his redline assignations of priority levels: 1, 2, 3. His comment was "Do them in priority of the number. 1 before 2, then three." He suggested a column for "action", listing what action would be taken. We talked about blocking out sections of time, even closing the office door to get things done.

You've noticed by now that nothing has come off of the list.

He then said a comment in passing that I just let lie there "You could also work a few more hours a day". He didn't dwell on it, I didn't point it out (I already work more than the standard every day), and we went on. I didn't think much of it until speaking with Fear Mor and Fear Beag, when Fear Mor said "I don't think that was an idle comment but a suggestion."

My afternoon went somewhat downhill from there.

Priorities. The priorities of life. The priorities that I set - and the priorities that are set for me. Time is finite and there are only so many hours in a day (24) or week (168) to accomplish anything.

If you're familiar with Stephen Covey, you'll know his four quadrant system: Urgent and Important, Not Urgent and Important, Urgent and Not Important, and Not Urgent and Not Important. Under this system, the priority of the item (urgency and importance) should determine what amount of time we spend on it. Covey's point is that the most people live in the crisis mode (always fighting the Urgent and Important) or the retreat from reality (the Not Urgent and Not Important). Only by pulling time from the other areas in quadrant II, the Not Urgent but Important, can we begin to be truly effective.

Which is where it breaks down for me. How do I tell people "Hey, your urgency does not trump my important. I'll get around to it". You know what happens: they go make commentary, and suddenly you're getting the call or the e-mail from a superior "You need to make this happen."

Likewise, how do you effectively tell work "Hey, my family takes priority" when the constant fear of not having a job looms over your head?

Like everything else, theory is great: how do I turn it into practice?

Time and Efficiency

A windy morning as I sit here in front the computer in New Home.

The wind seems to match my mood this week: blown hither and yon by elements beyond my control. There's a very real sense in my life that I am so often in very small control of events that impact it, and more often it's riding the waves rather than directing them that is the task of the day.

I know. This disagrees with most of the success literature you will read: "Control your time! Do high value items! Choose what you engage in for maximum effectiveness"! And so on. And maybe that's true in some things. But not nearly most of them.

I had to do something yesterday I have seldom (if ever) had to do: talk to my boss about work load, simply saying that "I can't do everything that I've been tasked with." I hated doing it - it's like an admission of guilt, of laziness, of failure - of putting myself one step closer to that line of being first in the event of a layoff.

But the reality is that I simply can't. Thanks to keeping track of time (see yesterday's post), I've got a better of sense of how long things take - and guess what, they inevitably take longer than someone thinks. However, I seem to consistently carry around this burden of guilt that I should be able to, or can - that somehow I can increase my efficiency to 110%, which I suppose I could do if I cut off every activity not directly related to accomplishing a needed task.

The ironic thing about that last thought is that even if I did that, it still would not necessarily correlate to efficiency. Why? Because I am still at the mercy of those winds not of my choosing.

And there is nothing sillier than being efficient at a useless task of no importance.

Use of Time

In an exercise partially driven by anger (look, there it is again) I started tracking my time at work. Nothing too complex, just 10 or 12 categories covering my general job duties. I wanted to have something to throw up the next time "how I'm using my time" came up.

What has been revealed is (to me, anyway) nothing short of amazing: I can't do everything I'm asked to do. There simply isn't enough time.

The thing that has really become evident is the extent to which those things which require time that you wouldn't expect. For example, I have a category for my direct reports. I spend about 5% of my time a week interacting with them: not necessarily about work per se, but about items of work or not even work related. Sure, I could gain back this 5% (2 hours a week, if you were counting) if I wanted - but I would lose the relationships that both make work a pleasure as well as keep the wheels greased for when emergencies truly arise and we need to call forth the extra effort.

Or the popular "other" category"- getting a drink, visiting the local restroom, even just getting up and moving around. Again, about 5% a week. Could I cut that down to 1 hour? Would it matter if I did?

What leaps out at me is that even as I look at my use of time, what I find is that time can never be used as productively as one might think when 1) You are not really in control of it; and 2) When you cannot dictate your own priorities.

"Work on higher value activities" the books say. This tends to work if you can determine your own higher value activities rather than have them determined for you.

The other thing it raises is that I may be creating an impossible situation for myself with impossible hopes: I cannot do everything. I cannot do close to everything. I can only do what I can do. More efficiently? Yes, possibly. But no level of efficiency will make all things possible, or doable - or more importantly, build the relationships that are the most important when those things disappear.

Christ and Motivation

Where is Christ in my daily life?

I get so bogged down in the "realities" of dealing with life and business - schedules and timelines that have to be met, things that have to be accomplished, even trying to get a decent amount of sleep - that it feels like He often gets removed from my life -or at least shrugged off.

I suppose part of it is my own problem - after all, am I truly trying to integrate God into my day and "Live for the glory of God" in a conscious way, or do I seek to put Him into the cracks or even try to integrate Him at all?

It so often feels hard - the slowing down of activity for even a second just consciously think "God, what would you have me do here?" Or then I just get frustrated with everything that is going on, somehow associate this "fault" with God's will, and say "Fine then, I"ll just slog on through", muttering "Glory to God in the Highest" through clenched teeth.

I try to make myself angry, because at least anger I can feel and it pushes me to do something. God wants me to motivated, but not angry. The problem is, motivation is a much more difficult target because I have to find something to be motivated about. Anger, I can self create pretty effectively.

So how do I compile these two items - living to glorify God consciously in my daily life, and being motivated, not angry? I don't know, but at these two lies the fork in the road between a useful life to God and a wasted life.

A thought: What if my circumstances have been created for me to take action and I misinterpret them as being given to me to suffer through? Does God always require submission to the circumstances or action against them?

Job Fear

Another blazing light in the trail of things that are/are not important to me in a career: I don't like living in fear.

Not the general fear of business, you understand. The fear of the market, the fear of not making payroll, the fear of being laid off (although see below). These are all just part and parcel of the whole employment experience.

No, the fear I'm referring to is that fear of not performing well and being let go. Not performing well? Surely you jest - after all, I've never had a less than good review, and am generally respected and liked by my coworkers. Surely I can't be referring to me?

But I am. There is a sense at my current employment, something I've not (ever) sensed before, of always being on the radar, of the good not being recalled and the bad being emphasized, of being one step away from receiving a box for your personal things. In a kind of small way, it feels like The Terror in Jacobin France, never knowing at what hour one could get dragged away.

But to be fair, maybe feeding into this is the fear of layoff. I am surprised at the visceral reaction I have to the concept of another layoff. I understand it could happen, but there is again almost a sense of sheer terror when I contemplate it. Part of that, I suppose, is due to to where we are, which is not in a nearly as good position as in January - and the ramifications of that. But the other is a sense of helplessness that stems from the fact that it may happen again, and I can do nothing about it.

So what? Well, I think it means that I need to pay attention to another two things when I am considering a job or any career:

1) What is the history of the company? Is there open communication? Recent departures? How many and why?

2) What is the state of this industry and the company? Position of strength or weakness? What do they do and is there a demand for the next five years? Have they had layoffs, or their industry? Why?

People or Position

I made an importantish (as C.S. Lewis would say) discovery yesterday about my career: I don't want (or need) to be a senior level executive.

(Yes, I know, you ask why I say this now in my lowly position. Stick with me.)

The realization burst on my consciousness yesterday as I was sitting amongst some coworkers at lunch, chatting about different items. Suddenly I realized: anyone above a managerial level doesn't get this.

They never get to eat lunch with the people that work under them - and when they do, the conversation is so often not free flowing but forced. They often really don't understand what is actually going on at a company: they set policy and goals, but too often don't have a pulse for what is going on beneath them, like living in California but not knowing what the slow but steady tectonic plates are doing underground.

Simply put, they just lose touch with people.

And that is actually part of my job that I like - not so much the enforcement that goes along with it, but the being able to stop by anywhere and simply have people be themselves as you interact with them, not suddenly becoming stiff or fearful or just clamming up.

Does that mean I don't ever want to be in charge? No, not saying that. I enjoy being responsible - but as long as I have the authority to go along with the responsibility. So being in charge of myself or a few others is not something to continue to work for - it's just where I do it.

What it does mean is that the idea of me continuing in industry with the hopes of rising to the senior "C" level is against the grain of what I value in human interactions and therefore not a direction to pursue.

Excellence

"Excellence, like mediocrity and poor performance, is a habit. Quality breeds quality. Do one thing well, and you will want the rest to come up to the same standard. Make habit of cutting corners, and you may begin to doubt whether you are capable of doing quality work. This is one reason why it is vital that you do your best, even if you do not view the work you are currently doing as important or meaningful. Once made, habits are difficult to break." - Laurence G. Boldt, How to Find the Work You Love

Excellence - a concept that transcends what you do, or where you do it, or with whom you do it.

And yet how seldom practiced in my own life. How often do I do something "with excellence"?

Excellence: The quality of being excellent

Excellent: Superior (archaic use); very good of its kind: eminently good.

(Both definitions from merriamwebster.com)

Part of the problem for myself personally is that perhaps I think that excellence should be recognized and rewarded by others. The sad fact is that in fact excellence is seldom rewarded.

But that's not a reason to do it - as David Eddings' character Silk says "Sloppiness makes bad habits". If I allow myself to be guided only by what others will recognize, mine would be a pathetic life indeed.

The one place that it may impact my life immediately is the excellence of those around me i.e. do I work in a place (or have I ever done so) where excellence was the goal? More often than not, I'm forced to respond that the answer is usually no; the goal was to do the minimum in order to meet whatever requirements were there. Has there ever been somewhere I worked where excellence was the goal?

Once. Long ago, when I was doing performance music as a part of a musical group. We expected that we would do our best. We aimed towards that and were satisfied with nothing less.

Possibly my first two industry jobs as well, where I was a manufacturing grunt. But that (as I think about it) was largely driven by my managers, who had high expectations. And maybe my first job after The Firm, where again my manager would have been the driver. The companies were perhaps much less driven than I thought.

But those are both long gone, 10-15 years ago. Since then, it seems that it has been a stream of companies (including The Firm) where excellence was proclaimed but acceptability was the accepted standard.

Yes, excellence is something that I need to choose and practice (and write more about, perhaps) - but what does that say about how I choose employment now, even as I start to work my way through my spot in life?

Swift

"Those who postpone the hour of living as they ought are like the fool who waits for the river to pass before crossing; the river glides, and will forever." - Horace

Two reminders yesterday -as if I needed more - that life is swift:

1) One of my old senior manager's husband passed away last week. He was 64 years old.

2) In Old Home, an acquaintance of The Ravishing Mrs. TB was killed in a car crash yesterday. He had five children, including a baby.

Swift indeed. Memento mori - Remember you will die.

Which makes living each day to the fullest extent possible all that more important.