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When I was younger, I was not very good at being kind to people with whom I did not agree.
Part of the problem was likely the fact that I suffered from a planet-sized ego (not unusual for young men) and was relatively certain that I had the right of things. When disagreements came, it was as much of a personal attack as it was a discussion of issues.
Part of the problem as well was the fact that, well, the people that disagreed with me were not always kind either (possibly they saw the world in that sense exactly as I saw it). The behaviour ranged the gamut from politely sniffing in conversation to exchanges to the banishment from their circle of contact. Which, of course, continued to justify my own behaviour.
And then one day I realized that kindness exercised by me had little if anything to do with how it was extended to me. It had a great deal, however, to do with how I saw kindness.
It strikes me that sometimes I felt like kindness was a gift that I extended to some but not to others, something that I had the right to dispense as I saw fit. It was in some ways similar to purchasing a round of drinks at the coffee bar: one looks at how many are there and who is there and then decides if one is really feeling that generous.
But kindness - although arguably being seen as a gift - is not something that I should dole out based on the condition of a person or, indeed if I agree with them. Kindness is something that I should - and can - extend, perhaps in spite of what they - or I - believe.
"But they are not kind to you." They were not kind to my Master either, yet He was kind back.
"They see kindness as weakness." Possibly. But if I allow kindness to become weakness, that is really on me then, not on them.
"Your kindness does not matter." Not necessarily in the way one might think. Yes, it might not have an immediate impact (although it might). But the spectacle of the kind, the good, the beautiful, facing off with that which would seek to degrade it or silence it can be quite striking (and telling). And one never knows what impact that kindness might have years from now.
I cannot change circumstances. I cannot change others. I can only manage myself. And I can choose to be kind, no matter whether or not I agree with anyone.
After all, the kind are remembered kindly.
Well said. I think what you describe is a very human problem. We like the sense of power we have by bestowing or withholding things like kindness. I can't help but think that this attitude reflects a certain smallness of spirit. I think perhaps society was better off when we were taught certain social "rules" as children. (I'll never forget how often my mother said "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Things like that really do stick. Eventually.)
ReplyDeleteLeigh - "Power". I had not thought about it in that context, but you are exactly right. It is us clinging to our "power" to withhold or extend things that within my lifetime was an assumed societal practice.
DeleteIt is an accurate statement though. Witness how quickly social media turns on someone that they consider "unworthy" because a single disagreement or incorrect opinion.
"If you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all". That alone would revolutionize modern relationships.
TB, modern social media is a good example because it's made it so easy say things we'd never say to someone's face.
DeleteMy mother's saying saved me more grief than you can imagine. The other one that often comes to mind is "do unto others." I have to ask myself how I would want to be treated if the situation was reversed and try to act accordingly.
I have found that asking myself "How would I look doing this/sound saying this?" has guided my behaviour immensely of late. Humility was a good think to write about last year; I still have a long way to go.
DeleteGood point brought up by Leigh, some practices that society held to seem a bit thin nowadays much to the detriment of everybody. Doing kindness onto others without expecting anything in return, there ya go TB.
ReplyDeleteNylon12, arguably we no longer have a shared set of social practices and values civilizationally or globally other than the towering idol of "Me". This creates all kinds of relational issues.
DeleteTo your point, kindness can now be considered something that needs to be "repaid" - else why practice it? We have created tokens of every sort of behaviour, to be exercised at our whim, not because it is simply the right thing to do.
I remember the statement, "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.". I'd rather be kind and merciful, because I need mercy and kindness, too. The older I get, the more sure I am that I don't know it all. And what I do know, doesn't do anyone any good if it's flung at them with sharp points exposed.
ReplyDeleteSTxAR - Haunting words - or they should be to the Christian, anyway. I am afraid some of my words will not show well on That Day.
Delete"And what I do know, doesn't do anyone any good if it's flung at them with sharp points exposed." There was a Flannery O'Connor short story that contained the phrase "using Bible verses like bullets". That has always stuck with me and to some extent, guided my behaviour. We cannot convince anything of things without the Spirit intervening; us using verses does not make the point any more valid in the minds of others.
It's easier to be nice when I'm right/win.
ReplyDeleteJohn - This made me laugh. To be fair, it feels that way to me as well very often.
DeleteI am convicted or challenged by "They see kindness as weakness". When I have been wronged, and even when I've forgiven another person, the thought rattles around in my head, "if I act like what they did or said wasn't wrong, they may just think I'm too dumb to be offended." That's pretty much literally what I think. But people I most admire are people who are not easily offended. How do I hold these two thoughts in the same head?!? Good post, TB.
ReplyDeleteBecki - Thank you!
DeleteWhat an interesting thought. Although I can certainly see how it would be there, especially if they repeat the offense.
For myself I suppose, I am likely more often offended than perhaps I should be. Although sometimes that "offense" appears as a sort of quiet diffidence in the conversation. Swearing, for example - most people around me do it and I do not make a deal of it at all, although I do not swear. Interestingly, people have come to either self monitor themselves or apologize for it. I have never said a word about it - which, I guess, is how I picture such things working. Sort of "We do not do that in polite society" sort of thing.
I guess I am lucky in the sense that my parents were both really humble people and believed in Leigh's mother's mantra of not saying anything if they couldn't say anything nice... at least publicly. Thus I have grown up pretty much following that rule. I am also somewhat of a believer that it is better to listen than to speak in a lot of discussion type situations. I am reminded of another old adage that went somewhere along the lines of, "it is better to be thought of as ignorant than to open my mouth and remove all doubt."
ReplyDeleteEd - I had Leigh's lesson as well growing up (evidence of growing in a particular age), but have not always been as good when I was in my 20's and 30's of keeping it.
Delete"It is better to be thought of as ignorant than to open my mouth and remove all doubt." I remind myself of this every day; I wish other people did as well.