(Source)
About a month ago, someone approached me after watching me speak for a bit.
"You shrink in when you speak" they noted. "Not your voice so much - you are loud enough - nor your gestures - you keep the audience's attention. But you kind of shrink into yourself as you speak, as if you do not really feel like you belong there. Own your space."
I thanked the individual profusely. It was not something I was aware of.
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One of the concepts from the sword art I practice, loosely translated, is the idea of "Projecting Bigness".
The idea is not simply that of standing taller or pushing one's arms and elbows and chest out. It is just as much about an attitude of occupying the space you are in, of being a presence as you walk or move in training. It should not matter whether or not you have a weapon; the very fact of who you are as a martial artist should be enough.
After nearly 17 years of training, I still struggle to do this at times.
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If the world wishes anything for us, it wishes that we would not take up space.
Oh, it quite loves it if we take up space as part of a crowd, another of a long line of grey drones that march in lockstep, singing from the same songbook. There is no risk in this. In fact, it loves the fact that we are take up space - safe space, space that does not challenge but rather accepts.
But that is not our calling.
Do not shrink into yourself, I have to remind myself every day. Own your space. Project bigness. Be colourful, not muted.
Take up space.
You encapsulate it very well. I've known something similar. The wife calls it Bull-mode. It comes out in crowds, Christmas shopping, though lately its been less effective (old age's a bitch). I didn't even really consciously start doing it until 10-or-so years ago. But man, I can split a crowd, lemme tell ya. Even the young brothers get one look and turn away, look to the ground. I think a part of it is the eyes, because I've seen men (and women) with physically smaller statures have the same impact sometimes. Think small, burly, green beret looking dude with that sparkle, that glint in his eyes. You might stand taller, weigh a few more pounds, reach an inch or two further. But you know, with every cell of your body, NOT to fuck with that guy.
ReplyDeleteAnon - I very much can picture the type - and you are quite right, it has very little to do with size or stature. It is very much an attitude.
DeleteMore than once I can remember you posting of your introvert status, it seems your body has taken that too much to heart perhaps TB? Don't shrink from who you are sir.......:)
ReplyDeleteNylon12, it is not a bad observation. The "inner" part of me very much wants to shrink back. As you say, out to the fore....
DeleteInteresting concept, and honestly something I never thought about, I suppose because I always feel uncomfortable in public spaces, as though I'm in the way. It's like I sometimes have to remind myself that I have the right to occupy my space at the grocery store when I feel like I'm in everybody's way. I'm going to take some time to contemplate "projecting bigness." It's so very opposite of always trying to be invisible.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, the mental picture given to me years ago was that of a rooster, making its way around its yard, full of confidence and its place in the world.
DeleteLike you, I have to remind myself as well that I have just as much right to "be here" as anyone else.
One thing I should have clarified: it is not necessarily a noise filled or loud sort of thing; in fact, often times they are quite silent. Just because is "colourful" and loud does not mean they are taking up space either: they could just be the equivalent of peacock, beautiful and loud and not really useful for much.
I always wore boots when I was young: flat feet. The boots had a steel shank, so it kept my arches supported. Dad taught me to plant my heels when I walk. That kept me from twisting my ankles, I was prone to that, too... Then I noticed if I walk like I have somewhere to be, I didn't need a hall pass. Walking with a mission led to never being approached at job sites or warehouses. I looked like I was busy and folks assumed I belonged there. Head up and chest out in the parking lot, too. I learned in Houston to meet the gaze of everyone. You can see the predators, and a slight nod lets them know you know. That turned the tables. Owning your space, and being present are keys. I'm working to regain that, as the lung issues turned me into a bent over, old target.
ReplyDeleteSTxAR - "I look like I am on a mission" works wonders in any kind of environment. And the meeting people in the eyes....here, too, I struggle. So much to put effort in on.
DeleteMy older sister is a retired inner city high school teacher at a school that historically has had many problems. She taught her students, when answering a question from her or other speaking in class, or even in general, to be “loud and proud”. Many of them seemed to not value what they were going to say, thus presented as being timid and unsure. To this day, she is still “loud and proud”. I’m not sure “loud & proud” is always the way to be (and she drives the rest of us nuts sometimes😉) but I can see the value, somewhat. I prefer something like a gentle strength.
ReplyDeleteWhen in public I try to balance the “gray man” (woman in my case), with the person on a mission, with a kind acknowledgment to others. Phew! I used to balance dinner plates in the circus for a living😂.
AnonJ - I am working on my speaking, and speaking as if you place value on what you say is an important aspect. Perhaps to your point not always the case, but the reverse - quiet and retiring will not be heard - is quite often true.
DeleteMy "public" (as such) persona is perhaps more quiet than my persona in groups I am more familiar with, where I will (and do) speak up more often. But, as you always point out, trying to acknowledge others even if I do not always agree with their point of view.
Although I understand the reasons for wanting to "own one's space", I still feel like I respect/admire more those who speak greatly but appear completely unassuming in the space. Kind of like Roosevelt's, "walk softly but carry a big stick."
ReplyDeleteEd, I do not think the two are misaligned. One can be unassuming but still be completely present in the space they occupy.
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