(Source)
I have found myself in a funk over the past week or so.
It is not really fair to say it is "the world"; if anything, I have less idea than ever about what is going on "out there". Which is likely for the best, I suppose. And if The Ravishing Mrs. TB and Nighean Dhonn were not in The Far Abroad right now, likely I would not see Social Media at all other than my morning grab of encouragement to send on to folks.
So it is definitely something else.
There is a weight, a heaviness to everything that is my life right now, that long sense of a road that has no landmarks, no road signs, and no end.
Is exhaustion a factor? It probably is; with the advent of Nighean Dhonn's cat visiting us for the Summer and the fact that she and A The Cat have a slightly love/highly annoying relationship, her cat has been sleeping in the bedroom with me. And waking me up at least 3-4 times a night to sit on my chest and tell me how grateful she is.
Week-end catchup naps have become a thing.
But I suspect that is not everything.
Work has entered that state that almost every job seems to at some point, where any glamour and excitement is gone and it is simply a grind. Different day, same tasks, sample people, same issues, same arguments, same stresses, same last minute change of plans. If I got two years of not feeling that way at work, that is a pretty amazing thing.
My energy level - maybe because of the two items above? - is low. I cannot really muster up the enthusiasm to do much of anything beyond the chores that I have set for myself (In this sense, the garden has been a blessing of sorts. And the cats and the rabbits ensure that I regularly have some recurring daily tasks.
But I really feel low right now - low energy, low enthusiasm, low confidence.
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Is it - as the above graphic suggests - merely a case of needing patience?
In certain ways, absolutely yes. I am someone that tends to want results now and if results do not come now, I tend to to lose interest. Or revisit a thing some months or years later only to find that not making progress in the meantime means you made no progress at all.
Part of it, I see as well, is not so much patience as it is self confidence. This is a thing I am digging into more deeply, but I seem to genuinely feel that - outside of minor tasks and interests - I cannot really be successful at a great many things. Which leads to not doing much at all - after all, if you think you cannot do a thing, you often do not try at all.
A lack of self confidence seems to easily lead to a lack of enthusiasm - or maybe they reinforce each other. Everything that is not something I have to do seems a chore now, even writing.
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Will I pull out of this? Likely - I certainly have before. What is of especial interest to me in this particular instance is that I do not see what would happen to make that so.
Simply put, there are no more big changes I see on the horizon. Na Clann are effectively launched into the world. My work schedule is largely set, which then sets everything else. And "not working at what I am not passionate about" (Retirement I guess?) seems farther away than ever.
I feel off. And I do not like it.
And patience sure feels like a big ask at the moment
Having sound sleep is important TB especially for a "working stiff" ......:) try a hot shower before hitting the sack and NOT having a pet climb up on your chest more than once a night eh? Interrupted sleep is a biggie. As to developing patience, well......guess you never spent much time out in the field hunting, sitting still or even doing a slow walk looking for game birds, like ruffed grouse say. Learned that as a teenager and maybe it helped during my work efforts....maybe. Also be glad you're still around to notice funks....:) It takes a fair amount of courage to explain about matters like today's post.
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - I have read of the before-bed shower before, although falling asleep does not seem to be my immediate problem. The cat on the chest thing...next step is to go sleep with the rabbit; at least she stays in her cage.
DeletePatience...I can be patient. I have seen it happen before. What seems to be a challenge is patience in the face of nothing seeming to be changing at all.
In terms of writing on this...I struggled a bit with this. It is not something that I necessarily wanted to write about. Still, I have a commitment to being as honest as I can and that means even writing the stuff that can feel hard.
I hate feeling like that. I agree routine helps tremendously. You've been through a lot of major changes in the past couple years. What you're describing now almost sounds like penultimate stage of the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, routine was something that came up in my thoughts as well. I do very well with routines and having things "pre-programmed", as it were.
DeleteThe fourth stage of grief (depression, if I recall my DABDA right). That is an interesting thought I will need to sit with.
Let's see, as far as I can see you have a job, you can pay your bills, your health seems good, you're not homeless or couch surfing like more than a few Walmart friends I know.
ReplyDeleteI suggest as friends have pushed me into when I was doing fine but "in a funk" to do some volunteer time at a food bank or deliver some meals on wheels for some really badly off lonely seniors.
Your get a moral boost for being a working Christian and remember that your life is pretty darn good.
Maybe you need to figure out how to keep sleep disturbing cats out of your bedroom,
Solid advice Michael; I think my men's group is working on such an activity in the not too distant future.
DeleteAt this rate, I may kick myself into another bedroom and leave the cats with the run of the apartment for the night.
May I add another possible contributing factor? Apartment living. You are a long time homeowner with large and small maintenance tasks that set a routine. And the ranch had routines. The routines were performed to maintain or increase value in an asset so they were important. Apartment living has none of that.
ReplyDeleteAs you said, there are really no new and exciting things going on so there is nothing to fill those holes.
Just my two cents …
Anon - That is not an irrelevant point. Other than apartment cleaning, there are no other direct tasks associated with this. My routines here, such as they are, revolve around feeding and cleaning up around animals and going to and from work.
DeleteI am sure there are exciting/new things out there; I just cannot see them right now.
Speaking from experience…
ReplyDeleteLonely years and bouts with depression can truly wear on a person.
With Gods grace, I finally realized that I was not alone in my sadness.
As Gordon Lightfoot wrote in the song “Rainy Day People", you seem to be there for other people whenever you can.
You seem to possess strong instincts and intuition. Just keep showing up on the firing line of life, winners keep on winning.
I’ve always liked the following quote-
Perhaps you can relate.
"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they don't wish to see anyone else suffer the way they did.”
-Jellal Fernandes
Blessings to you. You've got This!
(P.S. I would advise that you NOT pray for the patience, unintended consequences and all) 😏
B - Thank you. I think that is possibly part of it, feeling very much alone in my sadness (or experience).
DeleteI very much resonate with that quote. Thank you for the encouraging and words.
(And yes, likely praying for patience can yield "dodgy" results...)
No advice from me, TB, but there have been some good thoughts above. I tend to think as Leigh. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I find my feelings to be very fickle things. In fact, I was just earlier today considering writing about my own similar (but different) struggle, but I'm not sure I want to deal with (i.e. try to be gracious with) unsolicited advice. I'll pray that this funk you're experiencing passes soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Becki. It is comforting that - although perhaps slightly different, there are folks having similar struggles.
Delete