One of the things that this short series on criticism has caused me to think of - and thanks, as always, for your patience with my sometimes random excurses - is the ability to take criticism. Or in other words, the ability to harden myself to take the criticism and continue on with what I am doing.
I have always struggled in my life with being a people pleaser. Truth be told, I always very desperately want to be liked and will go to great lengths to make that happen. Of course, going to great lengths to make something happen does not always help ones actually mental or intellectual standing - after all, being the doormat or humor providing party member is sometimes done at the cost of something, usually one's self. But to the people pleaser, the price is worth it as long as people 1) are not angry with you; and 2) like you (or at least pretend to).
I have stated in this series and multiple times before that I dislike conflict intensely. It makes me nervous. It makes me nauseous. It makes me get up and walk away from the on-line discussion or out of the room physically.
And yet I am finding that in order to accept this sort of criticism - not the criticism would would desire, but the criticism that we often receive in the world - one has to learn to harden up.
This troubles me.
I have seen too many people become hard to the point of being cynical and uncaring in their personal relationships - sure, you can say literally anything to them without fazing them, but they are just as often the sort of people that one spends the least amount of time that one can with them. And that is surely not how I ever want to be. At the same time, I likely have another 10-15 years in "the real world", and the farther along one goes, the more this sort of thing seems to come up.
To harden, of course, is not necessarily to become hard hearted. It can be as "simple" as learning to not be such a people pleaser (I say that in quotes. To those who do not have this issue, it is much harder to unlearn than you think). Even that little bit of "uncaring" requires almost all of the psychic energy I can muster at this point while managing my emotions: just because I am criticized and sometimes unfairly, I cannot afford get angry at someone or disrespectful or downright mean. That, too, is an undesired part of "hardening" that I want no part of.
Part of this "unlearning", I suppose, is helped by all of the reading I have been doing in the Stoics lately, which place a very great emphasis on what we can control and what we cannot. I cannot control "criticism with no suggestion for remedy" (to paraphrase a quote from a commenter yesterday), but I can receive the criticism, examine it, pluck out the meat in the nut, and cast aside the shell. I can (very definitely) learn to not become emotional. And I can constantly learn to remind myself that I am usually far more concerned with what the critical party thinks of me than what I think of me.
It is a journey, of course, and my carapace is a little more thickened than yesterday, my need to please people a little less than it was the day before. Who knows. In the end, I may end up precisely where I really wanted to be a person in the beginning. It may take me literally my whole life to get there.
Was a bit of a people pleaser when I left University and entered the work world where wanting people to like you can be powerful. Over the years I realized that trying to please people was not a good thing since some people were just .....er.....um.....jerks.......yah that's it....jerks. This group included a few of those responsible for evaluations so more smiles and head nods. Learning to control those emotions can take time, just remember Mr. Spock.
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - It is the same realization here, especially with those most difficult of individuals, the ones (as you say) that influence your career directly or indirectly. To quote the penguin Skipper from the Madagascar series, "Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave".
DeleteWe are on the same plane. No doubt. I really do care about people. Therefore, I really do care about their opinions and how we get along. I usually extend that to people I just met, unless the warning bells are going off. The ones that have proved they won't care about me, I'm able to ignore. But not benignly. There is a distaste of them, too. And I don't have a poker face.
ReplyDeleteI think I am a bit too naive. Too trusting. I'd like to think my position is as a minister of Jesus Christ's Grace to the world. But even Paul the Apostle was a tough old bird. Peter called out Simon the magician for his mercenary / self-promoting bent. A bit harshly too. I wonder why we seem to go to the extremes of behaviour, instead of balanced. It's should be okay to call it how we see it. And yet, "meek and lowly".... Self imposed or taught? It's a pickle.
Thinking about how my own self factors in is uncomfortable. "Am I so bleeding insecure, that I need external validation? Even at the cost of grovelling?" That process is as much fun as scooping up wet pig manure into a wheel barrow. But it's necessary. Explore every avenue. Turn every rock, get the whole picture so you can have an accurate self-evaluation.
Working on things till we die is good. Always room for improvement. I don't know anyone that has "arrived"...
STxAR, I always keep in mind Paul and Silas at Phillip where they were beaten as Roman citizens - and then demanded a full apology. He was a humble man, but he also understood his rights in the system.
DeleteSelf reflection and self-examination are some of the most difficult things in life, which is likely why very few people actually engage in them. It is a hard thing, but as Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living".
Criticism can be a very effective tool for growth, if there is trust (two way). If not, it's just torture.
ReplyDeleteAgreed John. If given in the spirit of improvement, it can be very powerful. If given - or at least feeling to be given - in a spirit other than that, it because counterproductive. I wonder how many people have left something not because they were done, but because the criticism they received suggests they have no future in the business/activity/relationship.
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