One of the things I have tried to commit to in writing here is that I am honest about myself and where I am. In a way, I am also relieved (although saddened as well) that my father will likely not read them: one of the original reasons for doing this more intensely over the last years was as much writing for him as for myself (until all of you lovely people showed, up, of course). But it also relieves a certain need for reticence on my part lest my father worry too much (I know that I can be gloomy and still pull out of it; I do not know that he always understood that).
In that spirit, yesterday I was hit by a wave of discouragement.
It started out innocently enough. I have been working my way through my e-mails partially just to get it done and partially just because of the fact that I currently have not a great deal to do: my projects are all effectively on hold awaiting decisions above my paygrade. I attend a few meetings, take a few supplemental notes - and keep grinding away at my e-mails.
For some reason, it sent me down a rabbit hole of despair.
I am not really sure why. Yes, it is about that time of year last year that I got re-assigned. So for some unknown reason, I had to go through my e-mails to find that letter (yes, thankfully they are all organized now and readily available). Which then sent me down the road of the other people I had known that had left the company, including my friend that I had to let go. So of course I had to go run down that series of e-mails as well (thanks, again, for the wonderful organization).
Which, frankly, left me in a funk.
Yes, I can agree to the fact that the previous evening - for reasons unknown - I lay awake most of the night. And yes, I know that without sleep, I rapidly degrade in functionality. And yes, I am more than willing to acknowledge that the last month has been hard and the going and coming back and going and coming back is leaving me feeling as if I am a bit rudderless and neither "here" nor "there" no really "anywhere".
But at the same time, I keep looking at that stack of e-mails as it continues to dwindle and wonder "What happens after I am done with these and none of my projects restart?"
Yes, I know. "What happens after I am done with these and all of my projects restart?" is just as likely a scenario, and then I will have more than I know what to do with (and a nicely organized in-box to boot). But the feeling of being isolated on the fringes of activities, of quietly staying busy until the next round of busyness comes, and hoping that no-one starts to ask those sorts of questions (again, lesson one: Attract no attention to one's self) are hard to keep at bay.
Is this what obsolescence feels like?
It’s okay to be in a funk. You have a lot on your plate. Sometimes to break out of it I have to force myself to do something fun to snap out of it.
ReplyDeleteYou will prevail, TB.
Glen, I think you are right. The back and forth has not helped, nor the lack of sleep. On the one hand, I am planning to do another blacksmithing class in a couple of weeks which is all 100% fun. On the other, I will be in New Home for a month, so I can get a rhythm back.
DeleteWhen I was a kid, we lived down a dirt road. When it rained, you drove about 3 mph and either cut the first ruts or followed them. As they got deeper, they would throw you around if you went too fast. After it froze hard at night, or the dirt dried, those ruts would kill you, so you straddled them to have a smooth, controllable ride. You could fly, but you better stay out of the ruts...
ReplyDeleteI've found that there is a definite "anniversary effect" to heartache. When it starts to get close on the calendar, I'll be a bit blue. I've also found that if I plan on a special day or two, and keep to it year after year, I can bounce out of the ruts. I can train my mind to look forward to that time of year, not look back at the painful experiences.
Everyone is different, but I'd take a weekend to kidnap the missus and spend a couple days in a motel, eat in or out, and just focus intently on something wonderful...
I will be doing that in a little over a week. I have a fresh anniversary coming up.
STxAR, I think there is something to that. Certainly my mind is remembering things I am not consciously asking it to do. I do need to bear this in mind and see what I can do to counteract this.
DeleteYes, I do think a short vacation - a real vacation, not a working one - is in order.
On my gloomy days I am sure that if you posses a work ethic, flexible skills, and a moral sense of right and wrong, you are indeed obsolete in the modern workplace.
ReplyDeleteI watch a YouTube channel called "Beyond The Press," and I've observed that a great deal of pressure usually breaks things, and it almost never creates diamonds.
As both Glen and STxAR said, you will get into a rut and turning the wheel hard enough to break free isn't easy.
I have slowly begun to accept that the physical and mental decline of my inlaws will continue and the only person that I can change is me.
It's a process and some days I'm not angry and frustrated.
I've also begun equating the fate of the older worker in modern days as being much the same as those cultures that were first displaced by the new, and eventually destroyed.
John, the items you list - work ethic, flexible skills, and moral sense of right and wrong - are not things that are valued on the whole in the modern workplace.
DeleteThat is a good - and true, if I think about it - point about stress. Most anything is never made better by it.
The cultures comment is worthy of some thought as well. We celebrate cultures now, be they Gaelic or Native American, that were crushed by the then-powerful governments who were unyielding in their demands. Given this history, why would anyone trust any government?
Good comments here.
ReplyDelete"the going and coming back and going and coming back is leaving me feeling as if I am a bit rudderless and neither "here" nor "there" no really "anywhere"."
I can relate. *hugs* and God bless.
Linda, thank you. I am extraordinarily blessed with a thoughtful and caring clan here.
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