Greatness

I have often dreamed
of being a leader,
one of The Great Ones:
Mover of Deeds,
Commander of Destinies,
Admired and Revered by all;
The proverbial "catch".

But in Your work, O Lord,
I find that greatness is not in being great,
but in serving.
"He who would be greatest of all", You say,
"must be servant of all",
As You were, Lord,
Servant of all, served by few.

Father, crush within me all that
is not of You:
The need to be served;
The need to be recognized;
The need to be adored.
Help me love humility and obscurity
and serving, O Lord,
as You do.

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

A Random Thought Compendia:

- After approximately one month of what I would consider true goal setting and follow up, I am both rewarded by progress and somewhat set back by the fact that I am suddenly aware that for things in five years, I have to also start moving now. Maybe this is why I have failed heretofore in chess: an inability or unwillingness to plan ahead.

- Do not think that the enemies of the free world are not viewing the protests this weekend and the continued discussion concerning any Senate resolution with anything but glee. As Osama bin Laden predicted, it appears that if you kill enough Amercians, they will go home.

What happens when they start killing you at home? Where will you go then?

- My part of California continues in a relative dry spell (pushing record lack of rain). The last serious drought we had in California (late 1970's) the population was not nearly as large as it is not. How will folks react this time?

- At least one hive of bees is alive - discovered by my father last week as he accidently disturbed them changing their entrance......

NRSC Pledge

I am not overly political by nature, but I have just finished reading The Looming Tower by Lawerence Wright. If you have not read this book, you should -it clearly defines the nature of our enemy, who will correctly interpret any senate resolution as a sign of weakness, resulting in renewed resolve to kill American here.

Sign the Pledge

Happy New Year

A belated (but none the less sincere) Happy New Year. A big year for me, of sorts - this is the year that I turn 4o.

Not that the number itself is important, but rather what it implies. Statistically, my life is half over - and what have I done with it? What have I spent my time on that matters? Of these great plans that I have, what have I done to bring them to pass?

The problem is that I lack the ability to persist in what I start. I even lectured my daughters last week, when Nighean gheal was complaining that life should always be fun and entertaining, like playing Lego Star Wars II was. "Real progress", I opined, "is not as fast or fun as it is in games, but far more rewarding".

Yeah. I should take my own advice.

On my list of things to do this year, I have 45 items: some with specific dates ( a first for me), some which are to stretch over the year. I will undoubtedly have to reallocate my time to them, as work and home continue to leave me with limited time - but pruning is not necessarily bad either.

You find time to do what you want to.

Immanuel - God with Us (Isaiah 9: 6-7)

“This child, the son, this Son of God, this Son of man, that is given to us, is in a capacity to do us a great deal of kindness, for he is invested with the highest honor and power, so that we cannot but be happy if he be our friend.” – Matthew Henry

Don't Waste your life

I'm annoyed this evening - with myself. A combination of things: the refusal to view the current conflict as the threat to Western Civilization that it is; Pearl Harbor Day; and a general frustration with work and it's minutiae.

It's one of those screaming out loud moments, muttering under your breath, "Why I am doing this? Why am I wasting my life?"

There are matters of real importance and import occuring around me - and I, I argue about documents no-one will see, products that have little value.

I am frustrated, frustrated by my seeming inability to get anything done of import, of rising early, compensating for the Ravishing Mrs. T.B. to be gone in the evening by making a hobby out of doing dishes, of spending time dreading dealing with things that I know don't matter.

It makes me angry. But where do I put the anger? How do I use it constructively?

Tomorrow is not the given you think it is

Three items of seeming unconnectedness:

1) I spoke with an old friend today from a previous company. We were talking about life in general, and then she mentioned that her father, who had Parkinson's, had passed away this Monday. I expressed my condolences and she said "It wasn't unexpected." I commented that in the long term, none of our deaths are unexpected.

2) In speaking with my friend, she also mentioned she had received an e-mail from a coworker at a previous company we had both worked at. She asked me if I remembered a coworker, Dr. Sima Faris Young. I thought for a minute, and then said yes, I did remember her - short, with dark hair, as I recall. My friend then read the e-mail to me: she had passed away this weekend at age 41 from complications from liver cancer. (Her obituary is here.)

3) The political fallout from yesterday has affected me - initially with concern and disappointment, then with renewed enthusiasm. I am not one to quote my political beliefs at length here (so don't hold your breath), but I do believe that those who would seek to destroy us today received confirmation that if you kill enough Americans, you will cause them to retreat. I fear for the future, as the terrorists will not stop unless destroyed, but we will. Action is called for.

My point in these three seemingly unrelated points is that the ability to do good and act is far more limited than we believe. We can believe that we will survive until our eighties as the averages tell us, but it could be with a debilitating disease when old, or simply cut off when young, or even with a loss of the ability to affect change which we thought we would always have.

Do Good Now. Serve God Now. Act Now. Spend Your Time On Things That Edify, Not Just Entertain. Spend Time On Things Of Eternal Value Now.

Tomorrow is not the given you think it is.

The Pursuit of Excellence

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit" - Aristotle

"He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much; and he who is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much." - Luke 16:10

In comparing two working environments - one a professional arena and one a customer service arena - the question of job enjoyment and satisfaction arose. The thought occurred through discussion that if there is no reward or recognition for success and no results or consequences for failure, there eventually comes no incentive to particularly put in effort for anything.

Reaching for purpose

I am confronted with a dilemna about life, specifically my own - from whence, I'm not sure.

I am struggling to reconcile the requirements of life with the realities of the workplace.

My work, which pays the bills and provides food, shelter, clothing, education, and utilities for my family, is not going well now. Not badly, just not well - the most telling point is that in over a year, I have not learned a new skill.

The thing that bothers me is that there are events of great import going on in the world, work that can have an affect on the future. Unfortunately, my job is not one of these.

I hunger for employment with purpose, employment that will somehow affect the world we live in. I understand and grasp that my real hope is not to be realized until the return of Christ (1 Peter 1: 4-5). My conflict is that I don't think that this life should be wasted either, even as one strives to not become entangled in the things of this life. (1 Timothy 6: 6-10), that even in the raising of my family, loving my wife, and serving my God through His church, these things are those that have both temporal and eternal significance.

The problem is, my family, my children, and my church is not where I spent most of my time. It's at my job, which as noted above, hardly has significance in the great scheme of things.

"Do all to the Glory of God" Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:31; but I fail to see how pushing papers that more often than not will result in nothing accomplishes that.

We went down the career change path before, and that ended badly. Do I go there again? Do I not? How do I make my life more signficant now and in eternity?

The Visitor

Yesterday we received a visitor. I received a call from The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. on the way home, asking me "What would you put a turtle in?". "A box with some water, to start with", I answered, thinking this a rather inane question.

Foolish me.

When I got home, I found we had a visitor - a box turtle. Apparently he was in the midst of crossing our semi-rural suburban street when Nighean gheal saw him and called The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. , who ran into the street to get him. The Ravishing Mrs. T.B. noted that the turtle "took off" when it realized she was coming for him.

So, for now anyway, we have a new visitor to our house until we figure out what to do with him.

Nighean gheal is also excited because apparently a truck (with large tires) came very soon after the rescue occurred. She was quite excited, telling me she saved turtle.

I'm glad for two reasons: One, my daughter had the presence of mind to see a problem, recognize the solution, and know what to do; Two, that she appreciates the value of life.

And Three, that she got to be an animal rescuer like she wants to.

Love

I completed reading The God Who is There by Francis Schaeffer this weekend. In reading it, I realized that we have a great deal to do with love

Love, as understood by the Christian, is to be αγαπε - the willing of good for another, even without the expectation of return - as God loved us. The thing that challenges me is that it seems, at least in my limited way, to make love into a duty - something I should do.

I also understand love is seen in action (See 1 John), that things that truly express love are not the material: time spent, consideration, showing concerning, listening.

The question is within me - I don't feel like I am loving, nor can I apprehend the true reason why I do love, or sometimes what that even means.

CS Lewis in Mere Chrisitanity says that if we do not have a quality, we should act as if we do, and eventually, through God's grace, it will become real.

The problem seems to be that I do it because I feel I have to, or am commanded to, rather than from any "feeling" of true "Love" inside of me? Hormonal? Only seeking what I can get in return?

Then I get more puzzled: do other people feel this? Am I defective in my understanding of love? Too self centered?

I think this translates into some of my difficulty with God's love. I think He loves like I do, out of some duty He feels to His creation rather thatn freely and completely, loving us while we were still strangers and enemies to Him.

How do I revist and renew my understanding of love as something flowly freely from within, flowing out of the overflow of a thankful heart to God, driven from the well of Christ?

Unified Field Theory

It has occurred to me over the last few days that my life lacks coherence, a unified whole. 

All the different things I do, all the different things I would like to do, are just pieces and parts - they do not build towards something, nor are the controlled by something. It feels as if I have a fragmented life. 

 How do I honor Christ in this? 

If the point of my life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, and He is to control all that I do in my life, and my life is to honor Him in all that I do, how do I apply that to daily living? 

 What I need is a unified field theory of living - as described in Wikipedia, it is "An attempt to unify all the fundamental forces and the interactions between elementary particles into a single theoretcical framework; a theory which would explain the nature and behaviour of all matter." 

Francis Schaeffer, in The God Who Is There, seems to approach this by suggesting the relationship between philosophy, literature, art, music, theology, and how they interlock as a general indicator of the culture at large - something he seems to do as well in A Christian Manifesto. I need the same thing - that all of my activities, or things I would like to do or feel called to do or have to do (I made a list and came up with 45 separate items) are directed towards the goal of serving and honoring God, instead of being stand alone one-offs - I do something, and it is finished. It relates to nothing else. 

 The key, as I ruminate on this, is what my purpose or mission statement is. 

By knowing the statement and purpose, one can plug in the various ideas as it relates each part of the purpose. If I take honoring God, serving God, and enjoying God as my purpose, and my primary subgroups are my family and my church family, and most of the activities in my life have either fallen into the learning or creating categories, how do I evaluate each activity versus the goal? 

This is my struggle.

Being One's self

When did I stop feeling able to be truly myself?

The thought occurred to me driving home today, mostly in opposition to what is usually the case during most of my day.

Throughout growing up, high school, undergraduate and graduate work, and into adult life, I always had several individuals with whom I felt I could be myself without retribution or concern - individuals to whom I could say, and from whom I could hear, virtually anything - and not be concerned about appearing any less in their eyes.

The breakdown occurs, I think, when we are put in the position that something we have told someone essentially in confidence, or something deeply personal, is used against us. Myself, I tend to tighten up a little bit. Then, as we acquire relationships and positions, it becomes even less comfortable, as to open up, or "be ourselves", as the consequences become too deeply concerning or potentially upsetting. To truly be open, or speak one's mind and then get rejected or ignored simply becomes too painful to risk.

It further occurs to me (at least personally) that this can be one of the most deadly things to infest any church body, the feeling that one has to "be" something, or at least appear to be something (the origin of the Pharisees, perhaps?). If any one of us were truly honest about our week or our life in our churches (oddly enough, the one place where we should feel free to be ourselves is tightly wedged into a one or two hour period a week, ignoring the other 164 hours), would we want to come back the following week? Would we feel comfortable coming back?

I write this, I suppose, due to the fact that one received that shock (a welcome one, in this case), that an acquaintance has slipped into a friendship (Bogha-frois, ta shiu air an Lion gu bráth). The change in this from many of the ordinary interactions is as shocking to the system as an ice water batch, acting as a foil to what we usually do every day of every week.

If people are like this, can I dare to believe and experience the exponential manifold reality of God receiving sinners like this? Do I truly believe it? Do I let it impact my life?

When did I stop feeling able to be truly myself?

Happy Failure Day

Today is the one year anniversary of the failure of the Firm. I've decided to memorialize it in my life as "Failure Day" - that day which I commemorate the dead.

Very bittersweet - Even last night, the Ravishing Mrs. TB and I were discuss what if: what if the last deal had closed? Would things have been different? (In my mind no, as the failure occurred long after the die was cast).

I suppose the greatest disappointment - other than the financial impact - is the feeling that one is trapped, that a career in a field that is not of personal interest is okay because of your responsibilities and the security, that such things as "enjoying your job" are beyond one until retirement, if and when that occurs....

Have we been provided for? Yes, sometimes in miraculous ways - even today, the Ravising Mrs. TB called to tell me that an anonymous donor had paid her fee for the women's retreat. We continue to eat, have power, wear clothes, and have cars that work. Have we had to tighten our belts? Moderately - but only in ways that are truly non-impacting - again, we still eat, have power, wear clothes, etc.

Perhaps the point of Failure Day is to remind us of how blessed we are?

Dog Days of Gardening

We've entered that period of the garden which seems to occur during every time I garden. It's that odd time after the excitement of the inital harvest, where the late summer vegetables are coming in, or not coming in well (my cucumbers) or too well (my zucchini). My tomatos have been a disappointment to date - but my soybeans have done marvelously. My chick peas have been attacked by some kind of caterpillar, which eats into the bean pods - and what didn't get hit by the caterpillars seems to have molded.

It's interesting because it helps to focus one on what is important and transient. In the late spring, my garden became my focus. I constantly paid attention to what was growing, how it was going - the visions of the overflow of produce, and what one would do with it, and maybe starting a truck farm. Now in the middle of it, with nature taking its course (as nature did before - only initial blooming is far more interesting!), my interest is much cooled. Life has continued on, and those important things of character, which would have mattered all along, are still here - as are my devoured, mold infested chick peas. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Finishing Journals

I completed another journal this morning.

There is always something comforting about filling in the last page of a journal - a completion of an empty book (this for the perfectionist in me). I seem to start counting down about halfway through any given journal, for a reason that is beyond me - perhaps anxious to fill it in?

I have journal entries going back to 1991, and writings beyond that (not specifically journal entries) going back to 1989. I fear they can be rather spotty - the great thing about journals, rather than diaries, is that journals can be left aside for days and re-entered without the dreaded feeling of "missing a day". True, this means you miss entries and recording thoughts on a daily basis, but at least you write.

I am undecided what to do with them. I honestly hate reading things that I have written for a reason unknown to me, perhaps internal criticism. Do I eventually transpose them into electronic form? Do I continue to gather them - in 15 years, including travel journals, I don't even have one shelf's worth - another 40 years should give me 2.5 shelves?

How does one effectively use the recordings and musings of one's past?

The Firm Reconsidered

We are approaching the one year anniversary of my leaving The Firm. It has given me some pause for thought this morning, sort of a distillation of the process of the last 2 years.

The biggest distillation is I can safely say that making that decision was a poor one for myself and my family. If I look at the results currently in my life, in terms of other poor decisions we made, in terms of finances, in terms of the personal fallout, I can safely say that it was a decision not fully made with blessing of God.

Why? The decision to go was largely based on greed, covetousness, and fear on my own part - greed for wanting more, and covetousness for seeing what "the sucessful" had and desiring it, and fear that my business partner would succeed and I would be left behind.

Invoking the "Life is 20/20 looking back" theory, the thing I deplored earlier in this blog - my decision making ability - is the biggest. I shot from the hip in choosing a life direction because I wanted to shoot from the hip. I got enchanted, even drunk, with the power to resolve problems instantly, be they a malfunctioning car, desiring a new house, or time and money, that moved me down the easy wide road - not remembering the general principal that things simply do not come easily like that, that the price must be paid either up front or at the end, with interest.

Up to now, in my arrogance and pride, I have been trying to put the spin of the world on it: "You have to fail before you succeed", "I'm not sorry I did it", "I can't tell what the future would have held if I remained where I was", "I lost money but learned a great deal", etc.

But was it God's will?

Looking back, at a failed business, failed friendship, and financial stress, I think I can admit that I simply made a selfish, bad decision. All those things my father warned me about (and being a kindly and wise man, did not lecture me on after the collapse) came to pass.

If God's will is found only by seeking, patience, and waiting, then I failed. An expensive and painful lesson to learn the hard way.

Supering the bees

Saturday past (July 1) we supered both hives. We are trying something different this year - on one hive, we are using two traditional shallow supers; on the other hive, we are using a regular deep. It will be interesting to see if there is any difference in the yield.

In putting the supers on, I first took the opportunity to look into the hives. There is lots of activity - but fortunately our smoker is working better (Using the commercially available cotton and a slow burning firestick really makes a differenced; the only difficulty is that if you don't use it for longer periods of time, it tends to burn down). In looking at the frames, I was amazed - as I was last year - about the activity of the bees. It is amazing that from the initiation of the hive, they have to completely build up the comb from basic sheets, then fill it with honey, then cap it.

I did not see the queens this time, although I pulled almost every frame out of one hive. Their evidences were there though - eggs and grubs in several combs. I got the unusual sight of seeng a baby bee eating its way out of the comb which it had been capped in.

Now, we wait. In a couple of weeks, I'll go back and look and see what the progress is.

Threshing Oats

I threshed my oats today, something I had been putting off. Oats are different than wheat - the heads are such that it seems that the simple threshing method I used for wheat (an aluminum bat on plastic) wouldn't work - and in some cases, didn't. It was much more of a threshing by hand, certainly not efficient for large scale work.

But the de-chaffing was much easier. Oat chaff far more easily floats away, born by even a gentle breeze. The heavier remainder than remains was much more easily sieved and rethreshed than wheat. In the end, I ended up with probably two cups - although in rinsing the oats off inside, I managed to dump them on Nighean Dhonn's head. It was quite a comedy of errors.

I put aside at least as much as I received last year from Bountiful Gardens (whom I simply cannot recommend enough - they have a great variety of product, they are prompt, and quite reasonable), and put the rest in the refrigerator. Now on to flour.

I also planted millet yesterday - another one of those I'm not sure why, but let's try it anyway.

Tomorrow, we super the bees. I'll give an update.

Harvesting Garlic

I harvested the last of my garlic this evening. I'm never quite sure when to harvest garlic - depending on whom you read, you should pull it out 1) Before it flowers; 2) After it flowers, 3) When it falls over; 4) When 50% of leaves have; i.e. Use your best judgement.

Pulling the last group tonight, I figured out the best way to do it. For the previous two times, I struggled to remove the garlic. First I tried to pull it out (But the stalks wouldn't take it, so the broke). Next I tried to dig it out by digging around it, and then pulling it out. This took quite a bit of effort - For a relatively small bulb, garlic bulbs rootlets are tenacious and thick.

Tonight, it went well. I dug in on one side, leveraged the bulbs, and out they came. I also let them stay a couple more days in the ground, letting the bulbs possibly dry down a bit. It was smooth, and I got done in twenty minutes what it took me forty minutes to do before.

Life's like that sometimes - once you work with the thing in question, rather than brute force, things go quite nicely.

And, you get garlic bulbs for eating as a bonus...